Lessons Learned from Living from the Heart of Appreciative Inquiry

Transcription

ISSN 1741-8224
February 2006
AI Practitioner
The international journal of AI best practice
CONTENTS
1 Lessons Learned from Living
from the Heart of AI
3 About our Contributors
5 Walking the Talk: The
Principles of AI in Daily Living
9 Judging a Book by Its Cover?
Re-Designing Our Perceptions
of Ourselves and Others from
an Appreciative Perspective
Lessons Learned from Living from the Heart of
Appreciative Inquiry
Ilene Wasserman
iwasserman@icwconsulting.com
37 About the May 2006 issue:
Getting Started: Secrets to
Initiating and Contracting for
Successful Large Inquiries
Introduction
Since people started learning and applying the principles of Appreciative
Inquiry, many of us have shared stories with each other about how AI is
more than a tool: it is a way of being and an orientation toward living.
Two particular questions I have found compelling for some time are:
How does what we learn and develop as we work enhance how we relate
in our personal lives, and how does what we learn in relating with our
families and communities enhance the work we do in the world? These
questions have been the invitation and inspiration for this issue of the AI
Practitioner. As we are a community of practitioners who share a
commitment to a particular approach to our work, the invitation was to
reflect on how we integrate our intentions for being in our work in our
every day personal lives. The responses we had to these questions have
been personal, insightful, and generative.
The contributors to this issue have provided rich examples of how
Appreciative Inquiry, as a paradigm, a social construct and a
methodology provides guidance for being in relationships in ways that
bring life to possibilities be they personal, consultative, managerial or
parental. Living the principles is not something we turn on or off,
depending on the context. Attending to how one engages with people,
circumstances and challenges both in one’s work life and one’s personal
life is mutually reinforcing. Further, the very relationships we foster
become our daily reminders of how our words and our intentions create
the vision of what we are moving toward and generate the social worlds
we aspire to live.
39 AI World Contacts
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What you will find in this issue
We begin with an article by Jackie Kelm, Walking the Talk: The Principles of
AI in Daily Living. Jackie presents a model of appreciating, imagining and
acting and provides personal examples from healthy living as well as
from the relationship with her son. In Susan Belgard’s Judging a Book by
11 Can I “Be” AI and Still Feel
Pain?
15 Appreciative Parenting:
Immediate Impact and Longterm Intent of an Appreciative
Conversation with a Child
20 Being a New Mother as my
Metaphor for Nurturing Lifegiving Forces in my Work
22 Strengthening Boundaries
And Connections As A Parent
Of Teenagers
27 Learning To Live AI In Our
Relationships While Writing a
Book about Living Relationally
29 A Passionate Presence Appreciating Person Centred
Connections
31 Living Our Destiny: One
Group's Story of Forming and
Living Appreciative Practice
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Its Cover? Re-Designing Our Perceptions of Ourselves and Others from an Appreciative Perspective
she shows how “Words Create Worlds” or the Constructionist Principle plays a crucial role
in interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships. With A Passionate Presence – Appreciating
Person Centered Connections Julie Barnes brings together her passion for Carl Rogers' work
and AI. Used together, she says, “I connect with my creative energy and my ideas and
actions flow.”
But is AI only about addressing positive experiences? Where is the place for pain,
struggle, loss, vulnerability and social injustices? These questions frequently arise in our
work. Joan Colleran Hoxsey in Can I “Be” AI and Still Feel Pain? addresses these commonly
asked questions about Appreciative Inquiry in the context of her experience facing a painful
personal tragedy. Cheri Torres and Jackie Stavros share their heartfelt reflections about what
they learned about living AI in their relationship as co-authors of a book, in their article,
Learning To Live AI In Our Relationships While Writing a Book about Living.
Three of the articles in this issue are about parenting. Whether you are a parent, working
with children, or involved with children in some other way, each of these articles engages
you in a conversation about how to nurture growthful relationships with children, and the
association between the quality of relationships we foster with children and making the
world a better place to live. Dawn Dole, in Appreciative Parenting: Immediate Impact and Longterm Intent of an Appreciative Conversation with a Child, talks about her professional work
creating a parenting center and offers us specific questions that invite engaging
conversations with children. Morgan Zantua writes about the magical surprise of becoming a
first-time parent in her 50’s in, Being a New Mother as my Metaphor for Nurturing Life-giving
Forces in my Work. As a peace and justice worker in the global arena, she discusses how
becoming a parent strengthened the imperative to increase the depths of the positive
conversations and sustainable change in her work. In Strengthening Boundaries And
Connections As A Parent Of Teenagers, I focus on the teenage years. Sustaining a positive and
supportive relationship during these years becomes particularly challenging in a sea of
public discourse about teens that is very deficit based. This article suggests that there are
ways of letting go and enabling and fostering a sense of autonomy and independence during
the teen years that both elevates the best of your children, while maintaining the important
parent/child connection.
Finally, we have an inspiring piece from members of the Broccoli Alliance, the
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania based AI group. In this piece, Amy Steffen, Lonnie Weiss, Nancy
Aronson, and Ferne Kuhn, describe the inspiring journey of this group of eleven AI
practitioners in Living Our Destiny: One Group's Story of Forming and Living Appreciative
Practice.
As with all issues of the AI Practitioner, we aspired to provide a diversity of material from
a diverse group of contributors. The diversity of our contributors is found in the span of age
(from late 20's to mid 60's) and stages of life, family and personal life constellations. We hope
you enjoy the ideas and questions that are provoked by this issue and join this conversation
in future issues.
Ilene Wasserman
Guest editor, February 2006
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Ilene Wasserman, PhD leads and supports whole systems change efforts that promote diverse
and inclusive organizational cultures. She works with senior leadership and work teams to bring
to life the possibilities of engagement differences. Ilene is a founding principal of ICW
Consulting Services and an Adjunct Professor at the Fielding Graduate University.
Walking the Talk: The Principles of AI in Daily Living
Jackie Kelm is an author, speaker and life coach who helps people apply AI on a
personal level. Before this, she was a manager in a leadership and organizational change
group for a large consulting firm. She lives in Raleigh, North Carolina with her husband
and two children. www.AppreciativeLiving.com
JKelm@AppreciativeLiving.com
AI Practitioner
About our Contributors – in order of appearance
Guest editor
Judging a Book by its Cover? Re-Designing Our Perceptions of Ourselves and Others
from an Appreciative Perspective
Susan Belgard is a life, business and executive coach, group facilitator, and AI
Practitioner and trainer. Her passions include delivering teleclasses and in-person
workshops using AI and coaching techniques to foster and advance personal and
organizational growth in a variety of contexts, including holistic legal education and law
practice. www.coachingthefullspectrum.com
susan@coachingthefullspectrum.com
Can I "Be" AI and Still Feel Pain?
Joan Colleran Hoxsey D.Min., MS.ed. has over 35 years of experience working with a wide
variety of not-for-profit organizations including governmental and private social service
agencies. Her area of expertise is marriage and family development. She has directed programs
including a governmental project for young children and their families.
relationshipresources@fuse.net
Appreciative Parenting: Immediate Impact and Long-term Intent of an Appreciative
Conversation with a Child
Dawn Dole is Executive Director, the Taos Institute (www.taosinstitute.net), Assistant Director,
the Institute for Advances in Appreciative Inquiry, Weatherhead School of Management and
Knowledge Manager, AI Commons (http://ai.cwru.edu). As a mother of two, she believes
appreciation, affirmation and love are the best gifts we can offer our children as they grow.
coopdole@alltel.net
Being a New Mother as my Metaphor for Nurturing Life-giving Forces in my Work
Morgan Zantua is a consultant, coach, systems designer and trainer for the Center for Learning
Connections. She has BAWB Certification from Case Western and certification through the
Institute for the Study of Systems Renewal. Morgan integrates AI into her work facilitating
organizational change to nurture a vital future.
mzantua@highline.edu
Strengthening Boundaries And Connections As A Parent Of Teenagers
Ilene Wasserman (see above)
Learning To Live Ai In Our Relationships While Writing a Book about Living Relationally
Cheri B. Torres, MBA MA and doctoral student in Educational Psychology/ Collaborative
Learning, is a consultant with MTC Associates, LLC. She works with corporations, community
organizations and schools developing excellence through integration and positive
transformation. She co-designed and patented an award-winning ropes course and has authored
numerous articles and books.
cheri@mobileteamchallenge.com
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Jackie Stavros is an Associate Professor at Lawrence Technological University College of
Management. Jackie has spent the last 12 years incorporating Appreciative Inquiry (AI)
methodologies into her teaching, training and consulting work. She is editor for Taos Institute
Publishing and a Board member of the Positive Change Corps (PCC).
jstavros@comcast.net
A Passionate Presence - Appreciating Person Centred Connections
Julie Barnes is an independent consultant working in research, policy development and practice
improvement in social care. She is a qualified personal counsellor and works with groups and
organisations to facilitate learning and change using Appreciative Inquiry and solution focussed
approaches in the UK.
jebarnes@supanet.com
Living Our Destiny: One Group's Story of Forming and Living Appreciative Practice
Amy Steffen helps her clients develop clarity and commitment to the future they want to create,
provides guidance throughout change initiatives and offers training programs that provide
practical skills and essential insights that enable them to realize their plans. Her firm, Steffen &
Associates, works with business, social profit organizations and multi-stakeholder planning
groups. She is a member of the Broccoli Alliance.
amysteffen@verizon.net
Lonnie Weiss designs and facilitates strategic planning processes, policy development task
forces and systems change initiatives through her firm, Weiss Consulting, Inc. She creates
environments conducive to multi-party collaboration and cross-boundary community building.
She is a member of the Broccoli Alliance.
lonnie@weissconsultinginc.com
Nancy Aronson, Ph.D. is an independent consultant and partner in Arsht/Aronson. In her
consulting work, she brings practical, collaborative methods to organizations and communities
facing complex issues. She is a co-developer of the System Coherence Framework for Change
Leadership and contributing author to Future Search in School District Change: Community,
Connection and Results. She is a member of the Broccoli Alliance.
naronson1@cs.com
Ferne Kuhn is an independent consultant and founder of the Kuhn Consulting Group (KCG).
KCG provides a variety of outcome-oriented organizational and human resource development
services to large corporations, small businesses, healthcare organizations and non-profit groups.
She is a member of the Broccoli Alliance.
fernekuhn@comcast.net
About the May 2006 issue: Secrets to Successfully Initiating and Contracting for Whole System
Inquiries
Stephen P. Fitzgerald, PhD specializes in research, consultation and publication on complex
collaboration and strengths-based approaches to systemic change. He has published two books,
Decision Making and Organizational Models, journal articles and book chapters on complex
collaboration and OD. He is Assistant Professor of Business Administration at Touro University
International (www.tourou.edu)
stevefitzg@charter.net
Bernard J. Mohr M.ED, Dipl. Org'n Design, specializes in sustainable change through the cocreation of organizational arrangements that foster meaning, community and dignity. Recent
books include Appreciative Inquiry: Change At the Speed of Imagination and The Appreciative Inquiry
Summit: A Practitioner's Guide for Leading Large-Group Change. www.InnovationPartners.com
bjmohr@InnovationPartners.com
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Jackie Kelm
JKelm@AppreciativeLiving.com
AI Practitioner
Walking the Talk: The Principles of AI in Daily Living
In this article, Jackie Kelm presents a simple model she created to help apply Appreciative
Inquiry in daily living. The model is based on the underlying principles of AI as they
apply at the individual level.
What does it mean to “live” Appreciative Inquiry? What does it really mean to “walk the
talk?” I have spent the last several years exploring this topic at a deep level and my life has
transformed in ways beyond description. I believe the possibilities for personal change and
growth with Appreciative Inquiry are equal to – even greater than – those in organizations.
This article presents a simple three-step model I created to help apply AI in everyday
situations.
The Principles of Appreciative Inquiry
Be like the bird that,
passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight,
feels them give way beneath her,
and yet sings,
knowing that she hath wings.
~ Victor Hugo
My exploration into applying AI at the individual level began with an intense study of the
five original principles created by Cooperrider under the guidance of Srivastva (Cooperrider
& Whitney, 1999), and five emergent ones recently proposed by AI practitioners. I researched
each principle and summarized the essence of it as it applies in personal life:
The Five Original Principles
Applied at the Individual Level
The Constructionist Principle
Reality and identity are co-created
The Poetic Principle
Whatever we focus on grows
The Simultaneity Principle
We live in the world our questions create
The Anticipatory Principle
Our images of the future become our future
The Positive Principle
Focusing on the good and feeling good leads to more
good
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The Five Emergent Principles
The Enactment Principle (Whitney & Trosten-Bloom,
2003, pp. 72-74)
The Free Choice Principle (ibid, pp. 75-79)
The Wholeness Principle (ibid, pp. 69-71)
The Awareness Principle (Stavros & Torres, 2005, pp.
79-83)
The Narrative Principle (Barrett & Fry, 2005)
Applied at the Individual Level
Be the change you wish to see
True freedom comes from inner clarity
We are all inter-connected and part of a bigger
whole
We need to reflect on and be aware of underlying
assumptions
We create stories about our lives and live into them
These ten principles create a broad and deep paradigm from which to live. When I
considered the ideas together as a whole, three basic practices emerged and the AIA Process
was born.
The Appreciating-Imagining-Acting (AIA) Process
The AIA Process
Taking Action
Feeling Good
APPRECIATING
The Present
The AppreciatingImagining-Acting (AIA)
Process is a simple way to
think about integrating the
principles of AI in our
personal lives as shown in
the following diagram
(Kelm, 2005, pp. 145-155):
Appreciating the Present
The first practice in the AIA
process is appreciating the
ACTING
IMAGINING
present. It suggests that we
In Alignment
The Ideal
learn to see the good, the
available learning and the
positive possibilities of
whatever is showing up in
our present experience.
Getting Clear
When difficulties arise this
www.AppreciativeLiving.com
© 2005 J.Kelm
step can be easier said than
done.
People embarking on
this process usually have
the most questions about
this practice. It is easy to see how you can appreciate a beautiful sunset, but how do you
appreciate a hurricane? How can you begin to feel good about a sudden job loss? When we
are conditioned to see the “bad” in these situations, it is quite a task to shift our automatic
thinking to see the good. Finding what’s right with others and whatever shows up in our
lives is a thinking habit that can be learned through experience, but it must be deliberately
learned and practiced.
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There are a variety of ways we can modify our thinking to shift our experience. One way
is to modify our underlying beliefs. If we don’t like what are experiencing, we can look for
alternative ways to make sense of it by choosing to focus on aspects we do like. Another
thing we can do is shift our underlying questions. Rather than asking what is wrong in the
situation, we can ask what is right, or what we want more of. We can also shift our mental
models by viewing the situation through the eyes of an admirer and advocate rather than
those of a judge and executioner.
It is important in this practice to respect negative feelings and not try to bury or ignore
them. This is often a misunderstood aspect within AI. It is not the negative feelings
themselves that we attempt to change in thinking appreciatively, it is the way we make sense
of them and attach to them. Negative feelings tell us we are not focused on what we want,
and that a change in thinking is in order. They sometimes let us know we are in danger. We
learn to find and appreciate the inherent learning and guidance they provide, and move on.
Positive feelings let us know we are focused on what we want and are in an appreciative
space. It can be overwhelming at first to begin thinking this way when we have a lifetime of
critical, problem-focused habits. For now, start small. Just set an intention to find the good or
to appreciate whatever you can in people or situations. One way to begin is by creating a
gratitude list in which you write 3-5 things each day for which you are grateful. Over time
you will begin to notice the good more naturally.
Imagining the Ideal
The next practice in the AIA process is imagining the ideal. The essence of this practice is to
get clear about what you want. On a grand scale, you may create provocative images of your
ideal future dreams using the 4-D cycle. On a small scale, you can create a mental picture of
what you want most in the moment. In either case, the stronger your feelings are about your
images and the clearer your pictures are, the more likely they are to manifest.
I have found imagining the ideal to be a very powerful and practical daily practice. Each
morning I take a quick look at the activities for that day and note what I want most for each
one. This simple exercise helps me get clear about what is really important to me, and it has
been one of the most powerful tools in helping me create a more satisfying and effective day.
If I have something especially important going on, I try to spend a few minutes visualizing
the ideal outcome.
Acting In Alignment
The last practice is acting in alignment, which means taking a small step forward to think or
behave in ways that are consistent with your greatest future images. The change can (and
should) be something small, and does not have to be a physical action. It can be a change of
focus, questions or ways of perceiving.
Questions are an excellent way to begin making change, since we ask and answer
questions all day long. We can become aware of the underlying questions we ask and shift to
ones that bring us more of what we want (Kelm, 2005, p. 55). For example, your decision
about what to eat for breakfast came from an internal question that might have been, “What
can I eat quickly for breakfast today?” Consider what would happen if you asked one
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different question in the morning such as, “What would be the healthiest thing I could eat
this morning that would leave me feeling good about myself and give me the greatest energy
to start the day?” Even if you made the same breakfast choice, it would be done with a
different mindset. If you continued to ask this same new question each morning, at some
point you would begin to change your actions by virtue of your attention.
The key to making this practice work is small change. Small changes give our belief
systems and support structures a chance to grow with us, which makes the change
sustainable. I have also found that change is most effective when I work it from both thinking
and action perspectives. For example, when I wanted to improve the relationship I had with
my young son, I wrote one page a day on all the things I loved about him to shift my
thinking. I also began spending more time with him doing activities that he enjoyed, which
was an action. In less than three days we were closer than ever.
Questions
Here are some questions to consider in any situation to help you move into a more
appreciative space (Kelm, 2005, p. 147):
1. Appreciating: Do I feel appreciative or good about this situation or person? If not, I
know I am not focusing on the good. How can I shift to see more of what I desire?
2. Imagining: Am I clear about what I want and am I giving this my attention? What
images am I holding? My feelings again provide helpful information, because if I’m not
feeling good, I’m not focusing on or visualizing what I want, and I’m impeding its creation.
3. Acting: Do my current actions and thinking align with what I want? Is what I’m saying,
asking and doing consistent with what I desire? If not, what small change can I make that
would help move me just a bit closer to my ideal.
I hope these practices will help you begin a journey towards more joy in your life than
you ever thought possible. For more information on Appreciative Living, or to purchase the
book, please visit www.AppreciativeLiving.com. Best wishes to all of us in finding the
wisdom and courage within to create the life of our dreams!
References:
Barrett, F., & Fry, R. (2005). Appreciative Inquiry: A Positive Approach to Cooperative Capacity Building. Chagrin
Falls, OH: Taos Institute Publishing, 2005.
Cooperrider, D.L, & Whitney, D. (1999). A Positive Revolution in Change: Appreciative Inquiry. Taos, NM:
Corporation for Positive Change. This article was also reprinted in, Cooperrider, D., Whitney D., & Stavros, J.
(2003). Appreciative Inquiry Handbook. Bedford Heights, OH: Lakeshore Publishers.
Kelm, J. (2005). Appreciative Living: The Principles of Appreciative Inquiry in Personal Life. Wake Forest, NC: Venet
Publishers.
Stavros, J. & Torres, C. (2005). Dynamic Relationships: Unleashing the Power of Appreciative Inquiry in Daily Living.
Chagrin Falls, OH: Taos Institute Publishing.
Whitney, D. & Trosten-Bloom, A. (2003). The Power of Appreciative Inquiry. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler.
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of Ourselves and Others from an Appreciative Perspective
Susan Belgard
susan@coachingthefullspectrum.com
AI Practitioner
Judging a Book by its Cover? Re-Designing Our Perceptions
“Words Create Worlds”, the Constructionist Principle, plays a crucial role in
interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships. This article reflects on the similarity
between our “inner critic” and automatic inner dialogue about strangers and new
acquaintances. It offers some suggestions about removing harsh judgments and recasting
self- and other-directed negativity in more positive terms.
The Appreciative Inquiry constructionist principle, “Words Create Worlds”, plays an
enormous role in my everyday judgments of people and objects. Late one night, I awoke
from a deep sleep, needing a glass of water. I padded downstairs to the kitchen, slowly
turned on the faucet, filled a glass and took a drink. A little light filtered in through the
kitchen blinds and my peripheral vision was captured by a small object resting on a
cloud-like formation on the countertop. Still sleepy, myopic and not entirely alert, this
assemblage looked like a beautiful abstract sculpture of birds in flight. Entranced, curious
about where this lovely object had come from, I stepped closer and discovered it was my
step-daughter’s bite plate casually tossed on a crumpled bit of paper napkin. Withdrawing
hastily from this much less appealing sight, a long moment passed before I could
acknowledge how reflexively I created my “reality”.
A short time later, I witnessed my reflexive, less-than-generous judgments about strangers
and people I don’t know well and the worlds those judgmental words created. I was at a
party given by a favorite relative. She is beautiful and intelligent, chatty and outgoing, streetsmart and lively, with a talent for being creatively adorned even in jeans and a t-shirt. I
observed that her guests were quiet looking, somewhat demure and wren-like, and
unequivocally low key. I immediately decided that they were not very interesting and vowed
to spend only a short time talking with a few of them before departing.
The first person I talked to – a quiet young woman sitting somewhat tentatively on the
edge of a sofa – designed software which had been heralded for its ability to render vast
amounts of raw data meaningful in diagnosing the effectiveness of instructional programs. I
was fascinated. Next I spoke to an unprepossessing man I had casually met before and
learned that he had been the chief human resources person of a major organization, charged
with establishing pay equity by standardizing job descriptions. I listened and learned with
admiration. Then I ventured out to the back yard, where I encountered a young man in a
nondescript, non-logo t-shirt and wire-rim glasses who turned out to be a successful stock
trader willing to share all his secrets for amassing great wealth. With my initial
misperceptions still slightly active despite these encounters, I conversed with a few more
people whose stories lurked behind their appearance. Despite all my AI training and
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experience teaching people to reframe to a positive perspective, I had limited my first
impressions of potential encounters with judgments based on outward appearances.
Several days later, while delivering an AI-based teleclass about “inner critic/inner
champion” and waxing eloquent about the pernicious effects of unexamined internal
conversation, I recognized a commonality between inner criticism and negative judgments of
others. In our automatic, unconscious assessments, we often miss the rich magnificence of
the full human being. In this teleclass, I encouraged participants to go beyond their innercritic chatter by consciously reframing that inner dialogue – word by word, invective by
invective and sentence by sentence. For example, my own inner critic has a fondness for
telling me “You’re stupid”. For a long time, I wasn’t particularly aware of the words. I just
felt a sensation of low-grade discomfort right above my belly which I interpreted as dread.
This inner voice haunted me well into adulthood and through many professional
engagements. My internal conversation did not match my actual accomplishments, but was
relentless, recurrent and powerful.
Based on my own experience with my inner critic, I developed an antidote for my
teleclass students and coaching clients. The first step is to identify precisely what the inner
critic is saying – actually hear it and pay attention to it. The second step is to neutralize the
observation by removing all the adjectives and “color commentary”, the words that give you
a sense of discomfort, with a description that is nonevaluative. The third is to reframe the
situation appreciatively and positively.
Now, when my inner critic contends “You’re stupid”, I first acknowledge that I don’t
know or understand something – a far different set of circumstances than being stupid. By
doing so, I move from being mortified and embarrassed, or needing to hide or silence myself
to framing the predicate for actions that are affirmative and positive. By shifting to “I am
very experienced at learning new things and do so easily”, I am able to attract and engage
others who will help me understand.
I highly recommend the same process for working with negative first impressions of
strangers. Simply notice what your mind is saying about the other person. Then leave out all
those descriptive adjectives the inner critic loves to throw in. As you practice this three-step
process, you will begin to notice that your “reflexive” responses migrate to a more benign
and then appreciative universe. The more you practice reframing the inner critic and the
negative judgment of others, the easier it becomes to transition into that appreciative place.
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Joan Colleran Hoxsey
relationshipresources@fuse.net
AI Practitioner
Can I “Be” AI and Still Feel Pain?
This article focuses on using AI in a complex work situation as well as in a family crisis.
While initially not an enthusiast of AI, Joan Colleran Hoxsey found herself drawn to it
when she needed a way for people who had polarized to discover their many strengths and
pull together as a group. AI also helped her and her husband to create positive meaning
out of their experience of facing a painful personal tragedy.
When I first experienced Appreciative Inquiry about 10 years ago I thought it was, quite
frankly, a bunch of baloney. I was attending a daylong workshop prior to a national
conference and was very put off by the demonstration done by the workshop facilitator. I
remember that I gave the facilitator a pretty negative review and chalked AI up in the “nice
idea but…” column.
Moving from Polarization to Working as a Group
Fast forward a few years: I am the director of a very large, public, multi-million dollar project
responsible for two things: determining which agencies got the funds and creating
collaboration between a large number of agencies varying in size and capacity with a long
and difficult history of competition for funds and recognition. To make matters more
difficult, this project was a mandated program which angered many of the participating
agencies. Much polarization had taken place prior to my arrival on the scene and I was
immediately pulled into the polarization by my boss who was feeling hurt and angry. She
had had no input in the design of the program and had taken a lot of criticism for her
attempts to represent the needs of some of the less powerful agencies and their clients.
People had taken up sides and I found myself pulled into one of those sides.
When I recognized how I had been pulled into the controversy I began to look for a
process that would allow this group to focus on the many strengths they each had and what
they had together as a group. I had had training in a number of strength based processes
including Building Family Strengths and Solution Based and Brief Therapy, and was much
taken by the so-called miracle questions that empowered families to look at often untapped
resources and strengths. I thought about Appreciative Inquiry and began to revisit it again
with the thought that maybe I had been too quick to judge its value.
Signing up for a Couples’ Retreat
My friends and family will tell you that I am a big proponent of “twofers”: I love it when I
can get two for the price of one. That little fact is important only in that it explains what I was
thinking when I found a workshop/retreat on the AI Commons calendar (being done by
some couple named Jane and Ralph) I thought “aha, I can go to this with my husband
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Michael (he could use a little positive thinking) and learn the process at the same time.” Of
course, I did not need any changing but these people I was working with and my
not-quite-perfect husband could use a lot of changing. (Ah, the stories we tell ourselves!)
And so, with surprisingly little encouragement from me, Michael agreed to the retreat and
we registered. I wonder if he might have been thinking that I might need a little changing
too…hmmm. We signed up for the retreat in early July for a September date and put the
whole thing out of our mind. Little did we realize what would come our way between the
time we registered for the retreat and the time we would attend.
Sudden Death of our Son
On July 15th, 2002, our beautiful youngest son, James, laid down on his couch to watch the
golf tournament on television. He never woke up! He died of natural causes, most likely an
arrhythmia perhaps caused by apnea. He was thirty-three years old, the apple of his
parents’and his five siblings’ eyes. He was at the top of his game having just successfully
helped his law firm win a major case as, in the words of his boss, the “firm’s brightest
paralegal ever”. He had successfully done the LSAT and was most likely headed to law
school: his girlfriend was a young physician and had just gotten a large bonus and a raise.
To say that we were shocked is such an understatement that it is hard to even write those
words. We were bewildered, dazed, overwhelmed and any other adjectives that describe
desolation that you care to mention. I don’t know how we got through those days. I
remember our second daughter coming to my office and not being able to tell me what had
happened (two of James’ sisters had found him). All I wanted to do was scream and scream
until I had no breath left in me.
The Many Understandings coming from the Couples’ Retreat
When September came around we remembered that we had signed up for a retreat –
somewhere, we weren’t quite sure where. I told Michael that I could not imagine how we
could possibly go. He suggested that maybe some time away would be good and that we
could always leave if things got too difficult. I remember thinking, “I can’t go thirty seconds
without thinking about Jamey, and how in the world can I go to this thing and learn anything
about being positive?” How could anyone even suggest that there might be something
positive about the death of a child? I flashbacked to that AI facilitator I had experienced years
before and thought: “No one is going to tell me to look for the good in this death. There is
nothing that could possibly be positive here.” I did not want to hear about Kubler-Ross’
stages of grief; I knew them all, hell I had taught them! I remember thinking how stupid all
we therapists were; we knew nothing about the things that we talked about. I decided to give
up my license and never wanted to counsel another person about loss. To say I was in a state
of incredible angst is an understatement and to say that both Michael and I were in terrible
turmoil is also an understatement.
Despite all my (our) anxieties and fears about what lay ahead we got in the car and drove
the 500 plus miles from Cincinnati to the beach and this couple named Jane and Ralph. The
old proverb “when the student(s) are ready the teacher will appear” proved to be apt. Jane
and Ralph were the teachers with whom we needed to be.
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What we experienced in those four days is in some ways beyond language. We were not
“talked out of” our pain so much as we talked and cried out our pain in the company of such
loving and gentle people that we found ourselves almost breathless at times. We looked back
over our very long marriage and recounted our gifts, talents, strengths and dreams. We listed
the many things we have overcome and revisited our reasons for being married in the first
place. We talked about how each of us wanted to be comforted in the agony of losing this
child, this living symbol (some say sacrament) of the love and commitment we have tried to
live. And through this conversation with each other and the rest of the couples on the retreat
we began to construct another vision of who we are as couple, as parents, members of a
community and now AI practitioners.
What has followed has been quite extraordinary for both of us and for me, in particular.
Following the retreat we began to think about the AI principles as they apply to our marriage
and have discovered so many things about how we relate to one another and to others. I, for
instance, realized how many stories I made up about how things ought to be or how I think
they are. We began to look at the effect of language on our relationship and realized how
often we have slipped into the culture of making fun of one another. I have begun to realize
how important it is to hold up a positive image of Michael as well as who we are as a couple
as we interact. Are we simply an old couple facing a downhill future or are we a senior
couple with loads of experience and wisdom willing to share what we have learned and are
learning? Our future depends on which image we decide to amplify.
Over the years I had taken on the common belief that a marriage license gave me a
“license to complain.” I feel sad when I think about how often I have complained about
Michael and how few times I have extolled his many virtues. AI has given me a new
perspective when it comes to the complaining I do or the anger I sometimes feel. I now ask
myself the question “what is it that I want? What lies beneath this complaint or this story?” I
think both Michael and I have come to understand how stories of concern are much more
likely to be meaningful in our relationship than complaining ever was.
And what about the grief, the terrible sense of loss? Can one still feel such feelings and be
faithful to principles of AI? Do we have to mask, deny or submerge feelings like grief or
anger in order to be appreciative or positive? I don’t think so. My experience of the last few
years tells me that I must appreciate such feelings for the powerful connectors they are.
While I will never see James’ death as a good or positive thing, I can see that good things
have come about as a result of his death. There is an increased appreciation of our
relationship with each other and our family. We have a deeper appreciation of the pain
others feel when faced with tragedy. We have an incredible appreciation for the preciousness
of life itself and the deepest kind of appreciation for the gift Jamey was and continues to be.
Emerging Appreciations – The Project
And what about the project I was directing? We did create a plan using AI. Are all the
“problems” solved? I don’t think so. There were many families in the project who thanked
me for the opportunity to talk about the gifts, strengths and talents they bring to the
collaboration they enter into when they come into this program. For me, that is the highest
compliment.
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Our Relationship and our Work
One of the things Michael and I decided as the result of our couples’retreat is to renew our
commitment to a vision of being AI in the world. At the end of the day we write a thank you
note to each other about the things we have appreciated about each other and the day. We
have both had further AI training and I teach an AI Foundations course with my mentors (coelaborators) Chet Bowling, Mark Chupp and Marta Stone. We decided that with Michael’s
love and support, I would do AI consultation in the not-for-profit world and that, as a couple
we would give AI couples retreats. We have written a little book entitled Finding the
ExtraOrdinary Marriage; A Guide to Building Strong, Loving and Compassionate Relationships
Using Appreciative Inquiry. We think James would be proud of us.
We have learned that AI is not about positive thinking, nor a negation of any of the
feelings we humans experience. It is, instead, an affirmation of our humanness and our
ability to construct positive meaning from our experience.
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Dawn Dole
coopdole@alltel.net
AI Practitioner
Appreciative Parenting: Immediate Impact and Long-term
Intent of an Appreciative Conversation with a Child
Parenting is the most important job we have today. We are raising the next generation to
become independent, capable, caring human beings. Through appreciative dialogue with
other parents we gain confidence, insight and energy. Through appreciative conversations
with our children we help them learn and grow along with us. It is the power of the
appreciative questions and dialogue that will change the world.
“Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to the
country and to mankind is to bring up a family.” – George Bernard Shaw
Have you ever thought about the magnitude of this service to the world which we call
“parenting”? Imagine if every child, in every part of the world, no matter what socioeconomic group, class, race, religion or life-style, lived with an abundance of love,
acceptance, appreciation and affirmation? Imagine if we taught every child to see the world
from the perspective of appreciation and affirmation. Imagine if every parent-child
relationship was one of encouragement, positive focus, and strength-based in nature?
When we choose to have children in our lives, whether they are our own, adopted or
through other means (nieces, nephews, grandchildren, neighbors or students) we are
accepting the responsibility to raise them the best we can. Each child is unique with
strengths, skills, assets and foibles. How do we bring out the very best in each child? How do
we teach them to see the positive in themselves, others and the world around them? How do
we teach our children to love, laugh, enjoy and cherish life? How do we love them when
they are most unlovable? When they are struggling with life, school, friends, drugs and the
many challenges that face our children today, how do we as parents guide them to the light
and to new possibilities? Parents are grappling with these questions all the time and often
turn to books that describe “how to” with skills and techniques. I don’t know about you, but
I often feel even more frustrated after reading one of those books. They don’t build me up as
a parent and don’t often bring out the best in me. Appreciative Inquiry is the one thing that
does lift me up, boost my self-image as a parent, give me hope and energy and help me
connect more fully with my children.
Appreciative Conversations with Other Parents
In organizations and workshops when adults learn about Appreciative Inquiry and the
power it holds to bring about positive change, inevitably the next question is: “How can we
do this (AI) in our families and with our children?”, or the next comment is “I wish I had
known about this (AI) when my kids were little.” Four years ago, my friend Jackie Kelm and
I began working with the concepts and principals of Appreciative Inquiry applying it to
parenting. We spent hours talking about ways to apply AI to our relationships with our
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children and families. We then developed an appreciative interview protocol for parents and
set out to do hundreds of interviews. Our hope was to gather data from these interviews to
begin setting up some guidelines, principles and practices for parents. We conducted about
twenty interviews with parents including our friends, relatives, own parents and a few
interviews with parents of families who had become homeless for various reasons and were
participating in a program for homeless families. The interviews and the conversations with
these parents taught me much about appreciating every moment with our children. In the
actual conducting of the interviews, we found that the “process” of AI was much more
important than coming up with best practices, how-to’s and guidelines for parents. The
process of asking the unconditional positive question, the process of dialogue with others,
and the discovery that happened for each person brought about a new perspective. It was the
dialogue, the connecting, the discovery and dreaming that was most important.
I then started presenting Appreciative Parenting workshops in my community, through
my church and other churches. The workshops were anywhere from 1.5 hours up to 9 hours
over three evenings. The most significant part of the workshop was having the participants
do appreciative interviews using a sampling of the questions included later in this article.
Again, the time the participants spent in the appreciative interviews was the most impactful.
The participants will forever remember the stories they shared with each other and the
connections they made during that one hour interview. The appreciative dialogue, discovery
and dreaming helped change the way they viewed their children and their role as parents
and impacted on their everyday relationship with their children.
An Invitation: Begin a Conversation with a Parent
We learn a lot from studying what has gone well in the past and inquiring into the conditions
that allow for success to occur rather than focusing on what’s not working. When we come
from a place of appreciation and gratitude and we feel good about ourselves and our
children, we are most effective as parents.
Today, I encourage you to begin the conversation with every parent you know. (Some
suggested questions are at the end of the article.) Talk with your parents, friends, family
members, your children, neighbors, colleagues, everyone. Ask about parenting successes – things
that people are proud of, most excited about, things that have worked well in their life as a
parent. Learn, be open, explore and discover the best practices in parenting that are all around
you. Having those conversations are transforming in and of themselves. Come away from every
conversation with a renewed energy for nurturing your relationships with your children. Cherish
the new ideas and perspectives that you have discovered about your own role as a parent.
An Appreciative Conversation with a Child
If you ask a child, “How was school today?” you will get, “Fine.” If you ask a child to think
about the best thing that happened that day at school, you might get something like, “It was
really fun in Art because we got to paint.” And if you ask a child, “Tell me all about the thing
you were most excited about today at school and what made it exciting for you”, you might
get a 30 minute, animated, detailed account of something very special that happened that
day in school.
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I now use the 4-D’s (Discovery, Dream, Design and Destiny) to carry on many of the
conversations I have with my children. Last year, my then 10 year-old daughter started
playing soccer on a team after not playing for many years. She was feeling rather insecure
and inadequate as a team member. Half way through the season, after a team victory, I
noticed that she was not feeling excited and proud of the game. She was really down on
herself. On the way home in the car I asked her what she thought was the best thing she did
in the game to help her team to that win. At first she could not think of anything. I waited
and asked again letting her know that maybe it was a small thing. She then started
describing what it was specifically that she did to help her team: she passed the ball, she
played her position, and she had good ball handling. I said great!!! Discovery. Then I asked
her, “If you were to have the very, very best game ever, what would you be doing, what
would the game look like and what would have to happen?” She said, “In my best game
ever, I would make a goal.” Dream. Great, we had a dream with which to begin to work.
Then I asked, “What do you need to do to make a goal in a game?” She then proceeded to
outline exactly what she had to do to make a goal in the next game. Design. And you know
what? In the next game she made three goals for the first time in her life. Destiny.
This conversation not only allowed her to begin to see her strengths, but it also allowed
her to dream and think about how to work towards that dream. I was able to understand
more fully her concerns, insecurities, and then help her lift herself up. This type of
conversation can happen with any child, at any age, within any context.
The Power of Stories
In the new book Dynamic
“I have found the best way to give advice to your
Relationships: Unleashing the Power of
children is to find out what they want and then
Appreciative Inquiry in Daily Living,
advise them to do it.” - Harry S. Truman
(Taos Institute Publication, 2005),
one of the authors, Jackie Stavros,
shares an experience she had with her family one Saturday morning. She asked her two
young children (ages 4 and 6) and husband, “What do you want to do today?” Each one
responded with something different. Her daughter wanted to go pick flowers. Her son
wanted to go on a hike and use his new hiking stick. Her husband wanted to go running and
get some exercise. And Jackie wanted to eat a good breakfast and replace some of the dead
greenery around the house. As they each shared their vision of the morning, it became clear
and her daughter said, “Let’s eat some healthy cereal, and grab our hiking sticks and I will
share mine with mom because she does not have one and climb those hills behind the house
where we can pick flowers and find mom those green things for her planters.” Their
individual visions of the day came together to become a shared family day.
I love hearing stories like these. They give me hope, encouragement, ideas to try and a
sense of security in my own role as a parent. I think about all the conversations I’ve had with
other parents, my husband and my children, and I get a sense of renewed energy. I also look
forward to the many new conversations we can have that will bring out the best in each of
us. I think about how we can bring our collective images of family, relationships, fun, chores
and life together to create the best future possible.
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Questions to help you Look for the Very Special Moment
“Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be”
David Bly
Start each new day with the following questions: Today, how can I see my children with new
eyes, appreciating the very best of who they are and looking for that very special moment
and gift? What is it that is the very best, most worthy, most joyful and most loving about my
children? And then proceed to tell them what you see, what your greatest hopes are for
them, and that you believe in them. Appreciative Parenting is not a set of “how to’s”. It is not
a set of best practices, skills and techniques that you learn from a book. It is a process of
dialogue to continually discover the best in ourselves, our children, our own parents and
other parents.
Here are some more detailed questions to assist you in the many conversations I hope you
will be having over the next few months. Inquire, appreciate, learn, and open yourself to
other’s experiences!
1. Peak Parenting Moment: As parents, we all have experiences that are wonderful and
times when things don’t go so well. Today I’d like to focus on the high points. Think about a
time that really stands out for you as a parent as a peak moment. Recall a time when you felt
most alive, most excited, most proud, most involved in your role as parent. Please tell me
about that time and what it was that made it so special.
z How were you feeling at this time?
z What were you thinking?
z What made it exciting?
z Who was involved?
z What was happening?
z How were you feeling at this time?
z What were you thinking?
z Describe the time in detail.
2. Communication: Communication is so important in any relationship but especially in a
parent/child relationship. Can you think of a time when communication went very well
between you and your child/children? A time when it was open, healthy, and loving?
z What fostered this communication?
z How did this impact your relationship with this other person?
z How did it impact you?
3. Overcoming Difficulty: At times parenting is more rewarding than anything else in the
world and at other times it can be frustrating. Think of a time when a difficult moment was
turned into a loving, relational building, transforming moment. Tell me about that time and
what it was that contributed to or fueled the transformation.
4. Taking Care of Ourselves: Parenting is rewarding and also takes a great deal of our
time, energy and attention. What are some of the things you do now or have done in the past
to build yourself up as a parent, to take care of yourself so you are better able to be there for
your children?
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AI Practitioner
5. Support Systems: There is an expression that it takes a village to raise a child. Think for
a moment about the support that you have had in raising your child/children. It may have
included family members, neighbors, friends, child care, or other organizations or people. As
you reflect on these various types of support, think of one or two that really stand out. Which
ones are they and what is it you appreciate most about them?
6. Values: Next I’d like to talk about the positive qualities in yourself and others. This
question has three parts.
z First, without being humble, what do you value most about yourself as a parent?
z Second, what do your children value most about you?
z Finally, what do you value most about your children, and what do you think they
value most about themselves?
7. Our Parents and what we give to our children: As you consider all of your positive
qualities as a parent and as a person, think back to your childhood and adolescence. What
did your parents do to support the development of these qualities and characteristics? How
did their behavior help to create these positive traits? Please give examples.
What are some of the values, characteristics and human qualities that you hope your
children learn from you? What do you do to teach, encourage or foster these?
8. Core Life-Giving Factor or Purpose: What do you see as the core purpose for your role
as a parent? What is it that is most important for you to keep as a parent even as you move
into the future? What is it that you believe you are fundamentally supposed to be and do as a
parent?
9. Hopes for Our Children: As parents we have hopes and dreams for our children as
they grow and develop, even though we know our influence is limited and that our children
must decide and create their own future. What is it that you most hope for as you think
about the future of your children?
z Have you ever spoken to your children about these hopes?
z What do you think your children dream about for their future?
10. Three Wishes: If you were to have a wave a magic wand and could have three wishes
granted for you in your role as a parent, what would they be?
11. Action Items: What one or two things could you do right now that would help move
you in the direction of your wishes?
Additional topics of inquiry:
z Traditions – Please share with me some family traditions that you are especially
proud of or excited about continuing into the future.
z Empowerment – think of a time you did something as a parent that turned out to be
particularly empowering for your child. Tell me about that time.
z As a child – Think of a time when you felt particularly appreciated, acknowledged,
recognized by your parents or other authority figure. What was happening, how did it
impact on you, how did it affect you?
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Being a New Mother as my Metaphor for Nurturing
Lifegiving Forces in my Work
Morgan Zantua
mzantua@highline.edu
When Morgan Zantua became a mother even though she thought she was menopausal, she
started looking at the world through the eyes of her child as well as being ‘childlike’ herself
in her work of creating a more peaceful world. These are her reflections.
Appreciative Inquiry (AI) as a philosophical framework describes how I design and live my
life. I was formally introduced to AI and formal systems thinking while working on my
Master’s Degree in Organizational Systems Renewal/Whole Systems Design. As part of my
personal renewal process, I undertook a holistic nutritional detoxification. I did this to ensure
that the second half of my life would be as or more healthy than my first fifty years. Two and
half months before graduation, I learned I was not menopausal at fifty-one, I was five months
pregnant. Now, living AI in my work and my life has become an imperative for me to make a
better world for my daughter to inherit.
I was blessed with the gift of motherhood when many women my age have grandchildren
older than my daughter. The miracle of her birth has profoundly impacted my worldview. I
look at the world through the eyes of my child — appreciatively, with wonderment and true
curiosity. It is that ‘seeking’with child-like innocence that impassions the work I do in a
broad spectrum of organizational settings.
The gift of mothering my only child, Auriel, is my metaphor for nurturing the life-giving
force so central to the Appreciative Inquiry philosophy. She was 6 weeks old when I came
face-to-face with the imperative to embrace AI as a tool for creating the world my daughter
and her generation will inherit. At 6 a.m. Pacific Standard Time (PST) I woke to the horror of
the September 11th attacks. I had a lunch date that day with three graduate school colleagues
from Boeing. I offered to reschedule, but my friends said, “No, please come and bring the
baby.” When we arrived, people emerged from their cubicles desperate to hold this new life
in their arms. The presence of Auriel, the next generation, was a comfort in our state of shock.
During lunch we asked ourselves, what was our role in creating factions in a world
capable of perpetrating such acts of violence. Since that lunch, I continue to charge myself
with discovering what is working in the world and how I can be a catalyst to create more
positive change in the world.
Whether co-designing a Microsoft sponsored community technology conference or
presenting Appreciative Inquiry training at a Central American peace conference, I seek to
facilitate mapping a group’s positive core to enable them to vision and co-create the future of
their dreams. As I move through this work facilitating recidivism projects for Department of
Corrections or designing a parent engagement workshop, I hear the echo of important values
— the “fabric” that comprises positive cores — resonating among diverse organizations.
These values include respect, trust and collaboration. People value positive communication;
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the ability to listen and understand and the freedom to express their thoughts and feelings.
People want caring and compassion, accountability and honesty.
The more I use AI in my life the more I see positive change taking root in my life and the
lives of the people and organizations with whom I work. I realize when we increase the
depth of the positive conversation in the world, greater is the chance that our children and
generations to come will inherit a world where respect, understanding, trust and open
communication will protect human dignity with care and love. It is this world of peace I
work to co-create as a gift to my daughter.
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Strengthening Boundaries And Connections As A Parent Of
Teenagers
Ilene Wasserman
This article summarizes some of what Ilene Wasserman has learned from her own
experiences and from facilitated conversations with other teens and parents. In the first part
of the article, she highlights the principles that help her feel increasingly comfortable with her
teenagers’ autonomy and independence. In the second part of the article, she sets out the
themes and patterns emerging from facilitated discussions with other parents and teenagers
on the best of boundaries and connections in teen-parent relationships.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you,
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the
path of the infinite, and He bends with you His might that His arrows might go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1943 p. 17
My husband and I read this passage from The Prophet at both my daughter’s and son’s baby
naming ceremonies. I remember at the time, anticipating that the “letting go” part of
parenting would be challenging. Now, eighteen years after the gift of becoming a parent, I
have learned that letting go is not an event, but a process. While this process ebbs and flows
in different ways at different stages of the parent/child relationship, letting go at this time is
something that I find myself reflecting about on almost a daily basis. The principles of
Appreciative Inquiry, positive psychology and the coordinated management of meaning
(CMM – see AI Practitioner, July, 2005), are sources of support and guidance as I seek to
encourage my children’s emerging sense of independence and self-reliance while
maintaining the sense of connection in our relationship.
About 7 years ago, I immersed myself in social construction theory, CMM, and the
principles and practice of Appreciative Inquiry in pursuit of recharging my professional
practice. As I incorporated and played with these new lenses, I also attended to how I was
being in relationship, particularly as a parent of emerging teenagers. I anticipated the
"teenage" years with great sensitivity to the need to balance “letting go” and maintaining
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close connection with my two children. Noticing how I was an integral part of making the
quality of our relationships, I focused on doing so more intentionally.
The public discourse about teenagers creates an image of a group of people who make
poorly informed choices, are rebellious and are to be mistrusted. I strongly believe that
Appreciative Inquiry with its related principles are valuable tools to elevate an alternative
future both in our personal relationships as well as in the larger community. This article
summarizes some of what I have learned from my own experiences and from facilitated
conversations with other teens and parents.
The constructionist principle guides us to notice the generative process of parenting. As
parents there are times of sheer joy and exuberance, times of pain and angst, and the whole
range of experiences and emotions in-between. We amplify and grow that which we notice.
At the times we are most challenged, we need to remind ourselves of that which has given
our relationship a firm foundation, the strengths and attributes of our children and our
relationship and the potential benefits that can accrue from challenges.
Relationships with teenagers are sometimes experienced by their parents as distant.
Conversations often consist of one word answers to questions such as: “How was your day?”
As parents we need to find creative ways of staying connected and noticing the windows of
opportunity to promote conversations, information sharing and personal expression.
Ironically, feeling connected and informed enhances parents’ comfort in supporting freedom
and promoting independence. Moments of communication and connection need to be
initiated by teens and noticed by parents at this stage of parenting.
Last year I felt as if my daughter, though still living at home as a high school junior, was
distant. I struggled with my own feelings of sadness and sense of loss. I vacillated between
wanting to make our relationship different and my own soul searching about how I might
need to revise my inner dialogue, the stories I was telling myself about our encounters and
our relationship. I kept reminding myself that our relationship was a ongoing story in the
making (the poetic principle) and that this was but one chapter that was still being written. I
shifted the central story from one of distance and rejection to a focus on the workload and
pressure my daughter was managing. I shifted my concern for our relationship to my
empathy, even admiration, for how she was handling all her commitments. I recognized that
her style of handling stress was to buckle down and do it all herself. Revising my story
helped me reframe what I said to her from a complaint to appreciating all she was doing,
and to be able to add that I was just missing her.
The positive principle brings our focus to the positive relationship between the
boundaries or limits we provide as parents, and our connection with our teens and their
growth. Boundaries and limits provide the guidance from which our teens can discover
freedom and a sense of self. For sure this process begins much earlier in our relationships
with our children. As with babies, toddlers and children, boundaries and limits can be
reframed from something that is imposed on adolescents to something that serves them.
Both my children have given examples of times when they appreciated limits. My
daughter was invited to a concert on her birthday. That night was an evening we gathered
with family friends on a regular basis. Our friends were expecting to celebrate her birthday.
We discussed her alternatives. While she was conflicted, she preferred to be with our family.
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In this instance, she appreciated the benefit of our imposing the limit. My son’s example also
related to an invitation to a concert. We did not approve his going based on the reputation of
the group and the safety risk. While he did not appear happy at the time, he now says “we
made the right decision”: in each of these instances, the limits were negotiated based on the
articulation of clear reasons and principles. We created trust by amplifying the values that
were the basis of our decisions, that it was about the situation rather than about them.
The anticipatory principle helps us sustain those times when limit setting is most
challenging. I recall many times when, setting limits or in conflict with one of our children, I
would say to myself, “someday we will both look back on this and….” Anticipation of the
potential benefits of our decision despite how unhappy our child might have felt in the
moment, helped us to follow through in those tough moments.
Our relationship with our teens is an emerging story. There will be times when we feel
more connected and other times less connected. Recently I was visiting an old friend with my
daughter. As my friend talked about her parents with great affection, I recalled how this was
a marked contrast to how she talked about her parents as a teenager. My daughter casually
said, “Mom, teenagers always complain about their parents”. I then paused – and as I was
deciding whether to speak, my daughter, hearing my breath said, “What?” I paused… and
then asked…”Do you complain about us?” She replied: “of course!” I responded, “Well, if we
talk about it there is more of a possibility we can do something different!” The conversation
itself helped us take stock of how our relationship was changing, and how we could stay
connected as she was becoming more autonomous. We also created an invitation to a new
channel: complaints can lead to new possibilities.
What I continue to learn from my relationship with my own children is that I feel more
comfortable with their increasing autonomy and independence when we are in contact, and
share key information and together, seek better ways of relating.
Facilitating Conversations between Teens and their Parents
Recently, a colleague and I have initiated a process of facilitating conversations between teens
and their parents on the best of boundaries and connections in teen-parent relationships.
Based on some of these conversations, the following themes and guidelines are emerging:
Be present
Be available for impromptu conversations. Be present and notice unanticipated
opportunities. Be prepared to take advantage of the moment. One parent talked about how
she reframed the inconvenience of her child being sick (having to reorganize her plans, etc.)
to appreciating a connecting opportunity. Sometimes connecting comes in an unusual
package. Ellen Galinsky of the Families and Work Institute shares her research findings:
“I heard teens saying that not only is the amount of time parents spend with their
children important. Particularly important to young people is that there’s time to hang
around together; that it’s not always planned or scheduled… just time to be together.” (2004)
Recognize your teen’s bests instincts
The principles and methodology of Appreciative Inquiry help us shift from deficit and worry
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Notice and support personal learning and play styles and interests
Just as we notice our child’s particular temperament when it comes to learning and play,
teenagers have their own particular style. One might need encouragement loosening up,
while another might need firmer boundaries to foster an internal dialogue. One might deal
with stress by acting agitated, another by shutting down. See your teen as a person to
discover and understand.
AI Practitioner
to assets and possibilities. There was the time when a teen had his first encounter with a
friend smoking pot “Knowing how you trusted me helped me to know being trustworthy”.
“You trust me to make my own decisions and learn from them.” In another example, a
parent told me a story about her daughter knowing when to share confidential information
about her friend, trusting her mother to know when and how to intervene.
Foster a sense of optimism and hope
“The basis of optimism does not lie in positive phrases or images of victory, but in the way
you think about causes.”(Seligman, 1995, p. 52) An optimistic perspective is fostered by
making shortcomings temporary and strengths permanent and pervasive. Hurts and
misunderstandings are understood but not personalized, and disappointments are
opportunities for creating something desirable. As parents, we are in a position to help our
children reframe their experiences. This is particularly important in the teenage years, a time
characterized by drama and intense emotion.
Negotiate clear boundaries to enable autonomy and differentiation
Full and clear communicating fosters trust and commitment, even flexibility. Many parents
experience a decline in communicating with their teens. Less information at the time of
increasing individuation challenges a parent’s sense of trust. In the absence of information
we make up stories. These stories are influenced by stereotypes and the dominant discourse
about teenagers only serving to arouse our worst fears, regardless of who our children are.
One teen complained that her parents were being inconsistent in their need to know
where she was, when, and when she was returning home. Once they took the opportunity to
talk about this, the mother was able to articulate that she was willing to be more flexible
when she felt more informed about the situation, the people and the relationships. The next
day, her daughter turned down an invitation to go out to eat as a family in order to work on
college applications. Given the conversations they had just had, her parents were better able
to respect her choice and not take it personally.
Don’t take it personally – it’s not about you. Acts of separation are part of the process of
growth and development
The feeling of withdrawal and momentary absence of communication are more than likely
not about you. Knowing when not to personalize (as well to sort out when it is) strengthens
your foundation. Remember, this is but a moment in the story of your relationship that
hopefully was preceded by times of connection and trust and will be followed by the same.
Our role as parents is to hold the space and be the constant.
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Despite all these tips, we need an outlet during this time. There will still be moments of
frustration, loss and concern. Sometimes it is difficult to stay optimistic in a culture that tells
a story about teenagers as a group that is secretive, sneaky and not trustworthy. In those
moments it is very helpful to seek the support of a partner or friends to move to the next
moment, to live into the family narrative we seek to create with our children and to remind
us what is delicious about parenting.
The task of teenagers is to push us away and the task of parents is to stay present. One
mother shared that she used to feel like a good parent but now she is not so sure. I asked her
what made her a good parent in the past. She responded: quality time and making her
daughter her priority. I asked, how do you do that differently now? The question helped her
see herself in a different light. Different stages of parenting call for different competencies.
What is probably most important is to feel competent and confident in how you are as a
parent, enjoy it and maintain your sense of humor.
GUIDELINES FOR USING AI WITH YOUR TEEN
DISCOVER:
Personal: Be curious about who your teen is and who they are becoming. Notice when they
are excited. Distinguish what you want them to be excited about from their own sense of
passion.
Relational: Attend to the energy and connection in your relationship. Notice when the
quality of the connection you desire is most present and amplify those moments. Notice
what boundaries and connections are important and let go of others.
DREAM:
Personal: Amplify and reflect back to your teen their most unique qualities.
Relational: Invite conversations that generate and amplify the best of being in relationship at
this time. Expand the possibilities of pursuing new shared interests and commitments.
DESIGN
Personal: Notice the opportunities for connecting in the spontaneous moments and make
those opportunities often.
Relational: Co-construct plans that work and fit who they are and where they are. One
example is regular meals together without exception. Another is to have a designated time
when you share an experience of a community service project. Design principles that work
are staying in contact and sharing information informally and intentionally to promote trust
while supporting autonomy.
DESTINY
Personal: Live into new questions and new possibilities of your relationship – stay curious
and open to surprise. Share in the process of continuous story construction.
Relational: Share in the process of continuous story construction.
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Cheri Torres and Jackie Stavros
cheri@mobileteamchallenge.com and jstavros@comcast.net
AI Practitioner
Learning To Live AI In Our Relationships While Writing a
Book about Living Relationally
As Cheri Torres and Jackie Stavros co-authored their new book, they discovered new ways
of understanding what they thought they knew about dynamic relationships. Living
relationally meant not only working that way with each other, but also with the publisher
after submitting what they thought was an all-but-final draft.
When sharing or teaching Appreciative Inquiry we often hear responses such as “This
changes everything!” or “Whoa, this isn’t just another tool to pull out of my tool bag, this has
repercussions for how I live my entire life in relationships with others!” A trainer responded
with, “This is big. If I’m going to use this and sustain this with any integrity, I have to use it
everywhere in my life.”
Just about anyone who reads through the research on Positive Image/Positive Action has
a similar reaction. The message alerts us to the power of our personal and organizational
stories, the language we use to create meaning and possibilities together, and the ways in
which we regard one another: in other words, the way we make meaning in the world. It
wasn’t until we began to make explicit what this means that we realized how important and
profound the Principles of Appreciative Inquiry (AI) are.
Our Dynamic Relationship Story
Writing about living AI meant discovering a lot about what we thought we knew but didn’t.
AI is so much more than a way to transform organizations. As we co-authored the recently
published Dynamic Relationships: Unleashing the Power of Appreciative Inquiry in Daily Living
(2005) we discovered new ways of understanding what we thought we knew. Our ability to
learn collaboratively – with one another and with the many people who helped us articulate
the ideas for the book – required putting the Principles into practice through cycles of
reflection and action.
Our story began with two women who had an interest in writing a book about AI beyond
organizational life. We first met at an AIC gathering in Annapolis, Maryland in January 2003.
We did not know each other very well when our conversation began. We spent the next six
months exploring our ideas about what it meant to live and sustain AI on a daily basis
through email and phone conversations. In October 2003, we met for a long weekend,
together with our families, to figure out how to co-author a book in our mutual area of
interest. In 2004, the writing began while simultaneously a wonderful and very dynamic
relationship between the two of us was being created.
Our experience was more than just writing a book. It was about experiencing and living
the principles of AI while we wrote and were building a dynamic relationship. We have
shared a journey neither of us could take alone. This collaborative process of writing was a
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relationship beyond the two of us and with our family members, friends, colleagues and the
publishing team. It truly brought home the relational and connective power of the principles.
Using the principles as a paradigm for how to be in a healthy relationship continuously
brought greater insight into deeper experiences of AI and the incredible generative power of
language. For us, the deep commitment has been to practice the principles of AI everywhere
in our lives. We, of course, could see all the places we could practice it long before we
realized that sustaining that way of being in relationship requires more than just seeing that
it’s applicable.
Co-authoring for us meant turning your words and my words into our words. For us this
meant staying constantly open to possibilities, anticipating that together we would come to a
shared understanding, and recognizing the value that each of us brought in the form of
questions, ideas and enthusiasm. In the face of disagreement, it meant staying open.
A powerful learning came for us when we submitted what we thought was the all-butfinal draft of the book to the publisher. When we got it back, it was clearly far from ready to
be published. In fact, entire chapters were crossed out; our approach needed a different
direction. As you might imagine, there was an initial feeling of rejection. Our knee jerk
reaction was to “Take our toys and go find another sandbox to play in.” Another reaction,
however, came right on the heels of the first, “Why? What is it about the way we have things
worded that does not fit with social constructionism?” Then we paused and decided to take
the next 48 hours to reflect upon the facts of the situation and how to best move forward.
This space of time allowed us to reframe the situation and envision the positive possibility of
what could be and what we could learn from the Taos Institute editorial team. This action, of
course, is the one we followed. This second response emerged from our story line that said,
“These people have good intentions, they see something we don’t, let’s listen to what they
have to say.”
What we discovered reinforced our deep appreciation of the principles of AI. Our
interpretation and response to the feedback we received could have gone in any number of
directions; how we responded completely influenced (1) our relationship with the publisher,
(2) the book itself, (3) our understanding and appreciation for the power of AI, and (4) our
practice of living the principles ourselves. We saw the total interconnection of the principles
– the dynamics, if you will. Out of those conversations came the title for the book and a new
understanding that meant a rewrite.
Our Story Continues
As our story continues we have more than a book, we have a genuine friendship and passion
for living the principles in daily life. The co-authoring process called for a commitment to
authenticity. It continues to move us closer toward living in the appreciative paradigm where
living by the principles flows effortlessly.
Stavros, J., & Torres, T. (2005). Dynamic Relationships: Unleashing the Power of Appreciative
Inquiry in Daily Living, Chagrin Falls, OH: Taos Institute Publishing (www.taosinstitute.net or
www.dynamic-relationships.com ).
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Julie Barnes
jebarnes@supanet.com
AI Practitioner
A Passionate Presence – Appreciating Person Centred
Connections
Appreciative Inquiry and person centred practice, based on the work of Carl Rogers, both
offer powerful ways of living, being and working through meaningful relationship and
connection. This article celebrates and reflects on their separate and combined impact in
the life and work of the author.
If I could ask one thing of a crystal ball in any situation, it would not be ‘what’s wrong and
how can we fix it’, but ‘what matters here and who cares?’(Marvin Weisbord, p. 257). I love
this question and use it frequently in my work and in my everyday life. It speaks to me of
hope and possibility, essential ingredients in my work as a person centred therapist and AI
facilitator, and for me personally. I am at my best and most confident when I feel connected
with my positive core and am doing what I love most. Recently, I have been reflecting on the
connections between AI and ‘person centred’ practice, both personally and in my work.
I work as a person centred (client centred) therapist in private practice and at a local
hospice, with patients and carers. My approach is based on Carl Roger’s theory and practice
for therapeutic healing. He believed that the human organism is essentially positive and
creative and will seek its full potential in the presence of three ‘core’ conditions: when we are
listened to empathically by another who is being authentic in the relationship and who
accepts us without condition. Rogers describes therapeutic healing as becoming a ‘fully
functioning person’in which we move from ‘fixity’ to fluidity, being open and responsive to
our own experience, living fully in the moment, being less defensive and trusting ourselves.
Natiello (p136).
If I can meet my clients in this way, I believe they have all the resources and expertise they
need to achieve their own emotional healing and personal development. My role is to be
alongside them in their journey, holding and supporting, not directing or leading. Meeting
someone at this relational depth (Mearns and Cooper, 2005) and trusting them to work
things out for themselves is a respectful, challenging and engaging act.
Rogers is an inspiring writer and I felt a similar delight and optimism on first learning
about Appreciative Inquiry. Having witnessed and experienced the grindingly harsh, and
often futile, attempts at change management in UK public services, I was sure there had to be
a kinder way for organisations and the people in them. Gill Edwards (1991) reminded me
that we create our own reality by the thoughts and words that we use; and that we can
change through joy rather than through suffering. AI training invited me into a world where
people can work together, respectfully and powerfully, to create their own futures from their
combined strengths and successes.
For me, these two approaches create something wonderful and exciting and together they
have provided me with a solid base from which to live and work. Rogers’ theory underpins
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everything I do: in how I relate to myself and in meeting people at a level of connection
which is trusting, authentic and unconditional. This way of being supports me in co-creating
safe environments in which individuals and groups can work freely.
AI builds on this and offers another dimension. When we start our search from what we
know works well, from our best experiences, we can use what we learn to go forward,
tapping into the positive life force of an organisation (or an individual or myself) and using
this knowledge and energy to create positive new futures. In my experience, working with
AI enables people to meet and connect differently. The energy they generate from their very
first conversations feels exciting and wholesome and enables an imaginative, creative and
courageous flow. Out of this connection with each other and ourselves emerge new ideas,
new hope and new connections.
What excites me about these two approaches for change is that they each offer powerful
ways of working collaboratively and respectfully with people, groups and organisations, as
well as offering values for living. Diana Whitney and Amanda Trosten-Bloom discovered
that, for some people, Appreciative Inquiry enhances self-esteem and self-expression (p. 234)
helping one participant to ‘become more of who I’ve always been’. Whitney and Trosten-Bloom
observe that once people have experienced this powerful expression, they are ‘permanently
transformed’. This echoes Rogers (p150) who observed that once clients reach a certain stage
in their growth ‘these moments of immediate, full, accepted experiencing are in some sense
almost irreversible’.
While there are important differences between these approaches, I think they have much
in common and great potential. Both address universal human needs for connection and
relationship; both are interested in providing facilitative conditions for growth and change,
and both are concerned with personal and collective empowerment. From a ‘person centred’
base, I find grounding for myself personally, and a way of being which facilitates others in
their search for growth and change. In AI, I find the joy of creative energy and connection
with others and am interested in its potential for fast-tracking to authentic relationship and
connection with our positive life force. In my experience, both approaches help individuals
and groups to move from fixed ways of being to a more fluid, open and responsive state.
Peggy Natiello (p 155) talks about a ‘passionate presence’ in relationships where there is
‘intense awareness, genuine renunciation of control and a sense of wonderment and
anticipatory attendance’. I experience this in working and living with both of these
approaches.
References
Edwards, G. (1991). Living Magically. Piatkus Books, London.
Mearns, Dave & Cooper, M. (2005). Working at relational depth in counselling and psychotherapy. Sage Publications Ltd. London.
Natiello, P. (2001). The Person-Centred Approach: A passionate presence. PCCS Books, Herefordshire.
Rogers, Carl R. (1967). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Constable, London.
Weisbord, Marvin. (1987). Productive Workplaces: Organizing and managing for dignity, meaning, and community. Jossey-Bass,
San Francisco.
Whitney, Diana & Trosten-Bloom, Amanda. (2003). The Power of Appreciative Inquiry, A Practical Guide to Positive Change.
Berrett-Koehler Publishers Inc., San Francisco.
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Amy Steffen, Lonnie Weiss, Nancy Aronson, Ferne Kuhn
amysteffen@verizon.net, lonnie@weissconsultinginc.com, naronson1@cs.com and
fernekuhn@comcast.net
AI Practitioner
Living Our Destiny: One Group's Story of Forming and
Living Appreciative Practice
The Broccoli Alliance (BA) is a vibrant professional group focused on the practice of AI.
Infused with personal quotes and stories, this article describes how a 4D inquiry catalyzed
the group to live their positive core. Design choices and ritual practices contribute to
succeeding so splendidly in the Destiny phase of AI.
The coffee’s been brewed and the tea kettle starts to whistle. It’s 9:30 on a Wednesday morning, a
typical workday made special by the arrival of a long-awaited meeting. Cars pull up in front of the
house and in ones and twos, ten women enter a colleague’s home, carrying platters of food, soups,
casseroles, tuna salad from an organic market. Hugs and enthusiastic greetings are exchanged as
people catch up on work and life events. After half an hour of schmoozing, someone suggests, “Let’s
get started.” Soon we’re seated in a circle, finding out what cases need to be discussed, who needs time
from the group and who has lessons to share. Potential agenda items are written on a flip chart and
then we settle into our check in.
We’re generous with our time and attention during check in, having learned that magical and
important work gets done when we tune in and listen to each other. As each woman discerns and
articulates what’s important to her right now, the rest of us listen fully. The benefits accrue for the
listeners and the speaker. Jill recalls her experience, “As each person checked in, I felt lighter and
clearer…generous and available … free to be funny and fully present.” The speaker often discovers
something important, a new level of self-acceptance or awareness of what’s truly important in a given
situation. Lonnie captures the spirit of our work together: “We perceive each other’s brilliance. We are
cultivating life with a sense of humor.” Much of the morning may pass in this way, listening to the
essence of work or life situations and affirming the best in each other.
Turning our attention to the common themes that have emerged in the check in, we allot time to
our remaining agenda items. We pause to eat a delicious and nutritious lunch. As we continue
working our agenda, we laugh, we experiment, we have profound insights. All the while, we support
each person to lean into her “best self” as she explores a client conundrum or tests out a technique on
the group. As four o’clock approaches, we reflect on the value of the day and plan our next meeting.
The Broccoli Alliance
This is a snapshot of the Broccoli Alliance (BA), a professional development group that has
been meeting since 1999. We are a group of 11 women, primarily OD professionals, meeting
every 6-8 weeks. We’ve all been trained in Appreciative Inquiry (AI) and our group focus is
living and learning its practice. Over time we have become a vibrant, committed and highly
valued professional network in which AI infuses all we do. Members serve as a think tank on
colleagues’ projects, shadow consult, join each other on engagements and reinforce one
another’s appreciative stance. We all have greater confidence to relax into our most authentic
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selves – professionally and personally. As Bonalyn puts it, “We believe in the wisdom that
can unfold for an individual when given the time. We see another on the brink of something
and encourage her to go further.” This is the essence of who we are as a group being AI.
Unfolding an Appreciative Life
In this article we show how the scenario we described above represents the BA living into
our destiny and living our positive core – the themes and provocative propositions that we
articulated when we launched an inquiry into – the future of our group in 2001. We recount
two anecdotes about our experiences in the group, stories that exemplify the bold claims we
penned four years ago.
In the spirit of AI, we continue by exploring the factors that contributed to us succeeding
so splendidly in becoming an appreciative group. First we look at the inquiry process itself
and what we did to enliven the positive core so it became a palpable reality. We focus on the
iterative nature of the inquiry process and the way Destiny, or living into one’s Dream,
reverberates throughout the 4D cycle. Second, we review how ritualized practices created a
container in which our positive core unfolded.
Destiny: Examples of Living our Positive Core
In 2001 the BA undertook an AI process to define itself and its operating principles. Four
themes emerged from the generic interviews in the Discovery phase. We expanded these
themes into a custom protocol and conducted a second round of discovery interviews. Today,
these themes representing our positive core continue to resonate in our group’s interactions.
Broccoli Alliance Core Themes
Adult Play Group
We have a spirit of adventure and spontaneity and we experience the joy of discovery. Intrinsic to
adult play is allowing for uncertainty as to how to do something or whether it will work. Part of
the discovery is the exhilaration of playing on the edge of our comfort zone.
Generosity of Spirit
Relating to one another with generosity of spirit is a luxurious form of safety and creativity. We
honor each other and our group, no matter how full our plates become. We slow down and are
present with each other. We respond to others with curiosity and encouragement. Something new
is likely to be created: an understanding, deepened trust, a reclaimed sense of wholeness.
The Exquisite Practice of Being Appreciative
The Broccoli Alliance is a source of energy, a touch-point, a place that holds the appreciative space
and allows us to immerse ourselves in the spirit of AI. We commit to working with our clients and
living our lives in an appreciative way. We seek a creative emergence, to make inseparable how we
aspire to be from what we aspire to do.
Working With Heart and Courage
We are courageous with our clients and with one another. We take heart-pounding risk, step
through fear, and have the conversations we need to have. By fully bringing who we are and what
we know to the group, we invent new possibilities.
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Writing this article was an opportunity for us to take stock and conduct new interviews.
How do we experience our “best selves” in the BA? What practices make this possible? All
the quotes and stories that emerged reflected our initial four themes; even micro
propositions we hadn’t reviewed for four years were echoed in the interviews.
We typify Adult Play Group when we are on the edge of not knowing and are willing to
learn through experimentation, when we meet at our favorite coffee shop, go for walks, and
celebrate special events together. Generosity of Spirit is the BA’s most frequently cited
strength. “No matter what you ask for, the group says ‘Okay, we’re here.’“ As independent
consultants, it’s been a life altering experience to ask for help and to witness others asking for
help. As one member put it, “I typically assume I have to do things alone. This group gives
me a sense of belonging, a context for asking and receiving help.” Nearly all of our stories
illustrate the loving stance of The Exquisite Practice of Being Appreciative. Over and over,
members said things like, “We listen and find the kernel of strength in the person” and
“Each person holds the potential of the other’s best self.” Likewise, Working with Heart and
Courage was echoed in many stories; we take heart-pounding risk to talk about difficult
challenges in life and work, to be vulnerable and truthful. Here are two of many stories that
illustrate our positive core in action.
Lonnie Asks for Help. Last year, Lonnie was preparing for a meeting with a potential
client. The scope and complexity of the situation created high stakes (and high anxiety)! Her
contact was the top executive in a large statewide organization employing 20,000 workers
and serving many more citizens. A recent spate of negative publicity had added despair to
this already stressed system. This client represented a jump in scale for Lonnie’s consulting
practice, a situation she both welcomed and hesitated to embrace. Lonnie asked the BA for
assistance. The group listened to what she needed and made some specific suggestions, but
basically reminded her of her own strengths. “I knew what to do, yet hearing it from others
cemented it…how to frame questions, how to compose myself, how to focus on the
relationship. In a sense, it was a chance for me to reconnect with my best consulting self.”
The next day she met with her prospective client, established good contact and
demonstrated the AI approach. She was hired and along with a team she formed with other
BA members, went on to facilitate a long-term strategic intervention. Lonnie successfully
stretched herself to fulfill a leadership challenge, an accomplishment that the rest of us
applaud.
Martha’s Leap Forward. Once you risk sharing what you want to grow into, the group
will remind you of your strengths and encourage you to pursue your intentions! As an
example, a few years ago Martha agreed to design and lead us in a session of Authentic
Movement, a modality she had used as a dancer, but not as a consultant. This experience
represented the first time she was bringing it to a professional OD audience, and the BA
became part of her 20-year inner dialogue about how to integrate these two dimensions of
her life work.
As Martha pushed her own learning edge, she opened a new way of being for the rest of
us. Authentic Movement involves moving in a spontaneous, non-choreographed way and
witnessing one another. Group members recall, “It was fun to interact with each other
differently than sitting and talking.” The witness role that Martha taught us shifted our
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interactions. We’ve become more thoughtful and deliberate about what we choose to say to
each other. We are aware of the power and the gift of being a witness, of sharing what is
evoked for us and reflecting what we see in each other.
While the BA clearly grew from the authentic movement experiment, it was also a
watershed moment for Martha. Looking back, she says, “That was a time when I was at a
cusp. I was just beginning to step into my stance and own that I had a gift to bring.” Since
then she has taken major steps to integrate two aspects of herself that she treasures, her
dance/movement self and her OD consultant self. She has conducted Authentic Movement
workshops and incorporated this modality into her OD and coaching practice. We delight in
seeing her soar.
Our recent interviews confirmed that we are doing exactly what we set out to do:
playfully and courageously taking risks, acting generously and appreciatively, growing into
our best selves professionally and personally. We have literally created a container, woven a
fabric of energy and love that envelops us, sustains us, and compels us to experiment. Our
core themes form the basis of the group and our way of being. They are the warp laid on the
loom, determining everything that follows. The initial inquiry undertaken in 2001 established
and enlivened the fabric of this group.
Strength of the Initial Inquiry
Following the blueprint of the 4D cycle, we engaged in an inquiry over several meetings of
the whole group and sub-groups. We began with a basic protocol focused on best group
experiences. From this data we identified the life-sustaining themes of our positive core.
Subgroups developed sections of a custom protocol, writing extensive “lead ins” and
questions for each theme. Next the whole group gathered for the second round of interviews.
Dream and design took place in a highly interactive day-long retreat. Our dream images took
the form of interconnected haiku style poems. We designed with micro propositions that
articulate concrete practices and behaviors implied by the haiku.
As our stories show, the BA strongly owns our positive core. What was it about this
inquiry that enabled us to inhabit our dream and live the destiny we defined? We believe
that high participation and attention to experiential designs for each phase of the 4D cycle
made a difference. For instance, when subgroups crafted the lead-ins for our custom
protocol, we bonded with the intent of our themes (Adult Play Group, Generosity of Spirit, etc.).
We luxuriated in taking the time to have deep dialogue and develop shared meaning. In
addition, we found an aspect of Destiny, of living the positive core, arises during each phase
of an inquiry. Experiential designs foster this strength of AI. We suspect that the more
opportunities people have to live and embody the positive core during an inquiry, the more
successful they will be at unfolding their destiny.
Like any group engaged in AI, the BA had many opportunities to live our destiny
throughout the intervention. Experiencing the feelings, thoughts and body sensations of a
life-affirming episode is at the heart of AI Discovery. It also is the heart of every subsequent
phase in the cycle. In Discovery, we lived the positive core twice by recounting actual
experiences in two sets of interviews. In Dream, we creatively acted out the positive core as if
it were actively happening, thus living the experience. Shifting into Design we wrote
34
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AI Practitioner
provocative propositions, our haiku, in the present tense, again leaning into and living our
chosen destiny. We articulated micro-level propositions to describe simple structures and
behaviors to live out our bold claims and stay aligned with our positive core. The 4D cycle
provided multiple opportunities to energetically experience our positive core in body, heart,
mind and spirit.
The BA’s inquiry firmly established a clear set of operating principles. Our initial inquiry
sprouted our positive core and the iterative nature of the process deepened the roots.
Attention to living into our destiny at each phase allowed the positive core to grow. An
expansive process and active, experiential designs were key to our success.
Ritualized Practices
If our core themes are the warp – the long threads that define the cloth – then our ritualized
practices are the weft laid down over and over, strengthening and expanding the fabric of
our relationships. Routines, processes that are regular, predictable, and reliable, created the
space for our Destiny to unfold.
One of the early practices we adopted was reading our haiku at the beginning of each
meeting. It served as a poetic reminder of our intention. Sometimes we read the theme
The Broccoli Alliance Haiku
Bold Experiment
Sanctuary, crystal heart
Go deep to go far
Spontaneous play
Intentional risk-taking
Magical home base
Ritual gatherings
Commit to nourish our roots
Our great work abounds!
Courageous impacts
Life-affirming community
All is possible
statements from our protocol. Today, we are conversant in the language of our themes. We
often mark significant moments by referring to them. Generosity of Spirit is invoked when
someone experiences the group as kind and giving. Likewise, we recognize when someone
reaches into their core and acts courageously – either within the group or with a client. Those
moments get a nod and Working with Heart and Courage is named.
A second ritual involves nourishing ourselves and meeting in homes. Four years ago we
committed to “...meet regularly and predictably in our homes…” and said we would nourish
ourselves with conversation and case studies. We have done this, and we have added
nourishing ourselves with substantial and truly delicious food.
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AI Practitioner
36
Several of the micro provocative propositions became blueprints for ritual practices. For
instance, “The Broccoli Alliance is committed to self-organizing. We follow our intellectual,
emotional and spiritual energy in an intentional way.” As one member notes, “Today, we
value the way we do things that are planned, and not planned. We go where the energy is.”
BA meetings have a flexible yet reliable rhythm, a simple structure that we can count on. This
balance of ritual and emergent design requires that we declare our wants and needs so
meaningful contact can ensue.
“Check in” has become a central, life affirming custom, a constant medium for our most
intimate sharing and an intentional, disciplined process for finding out what’s important to
us now. It is a practice field for astute listening and deeply affirming witnessing. We’ve
learned to notice themes that emerge and plumb them for meaning. We count on this time to
connect to our own authentic selves and become present to each other. In this way, we create
the space to live our positive core.
Impact and Lessons
The Broccoli Alliance’s story is a testament to the value of AI. It is uncanny how closely our
lived experience tracks with our stated intentions. When we tell people about our group we
often hear, “I would love to be in a group like that!” We believe that AI can be a valuable tool
for creating other professional associations that are deeply life-affirming.
Our experience also suggests a blueprint for working with other systems. We developed
ownership of our positive core because we brought it vibrantly alive in the 4D intervention.
The Exquisite Practice of Being Appreciative and our other themes took shape from that first
round of generic interviews and have continued to unfold in new ways since then. We now
support our clients to live their destiny at every phase of the 4D cycle. We keep our clients
more intimately involved in each step, despite pressure to take short-cuts. We have come to
understand that a system that deeply affirms its positive core is more resilient in the face of
challenges.
Ritual practices literally create an energized field in which the system can unfold its
potential. Reading our haiku and theme statements helped build our “magical home base.”
Our check in process created a reliable time and place in which we could take risks and
receive unwavering support. Emergent design holds us accountable to tune in and attend to
what has heart and meaning. Using these ritual practices, we have repeatedly and
intentionally made the space to live out our destiny.
We’ve learned that Destiny involves an “unintentional intentionality”, living into the
positive core and the bold claims without an action plan! As we look to the future, it’s not
simply about sustaining our group and its progress. It’s about us being a generative group,
continuing to live into our destiny and unfold our potential in new ways.
36
37
Bernard Mohr and Stephen Fitzgerald
bjMohr@InnovationPartners.com and sfitzgerald@aiconsulting.org
AI Practitioner
About the May 2006 Issue
Getting Started: Secrets to Initiating and Contracting for
Successful Large Inquiries
AI success stories in print generally begin at the point of the first set of interviews. Yet before
the agreement for a larger and more complex inquiry is finalized, there is a mysterious
period of contact development, relationship building, mutual education, offer crafting,
exploratory dialogues at various levels, preliminary proposal writing, site visits, pilot
projects, AI and/or other OD processes implemented in sub-systems of the organization, etc.
Areas we would like to see covered
In our May 2006 AI Practitioner issue, we seek to illuminate this typically hidden-from-view
Definition or pre-Definition phase work and would like to explore:
z
The process of developing and nurturing new or expanded existing client
relationships (High point stories of Definition, or even “pre-definition” e.g.
nurturing the possibility for larger and more complex inquiries with prospective
or existing clients over time; which can include inquiries still in the developmental
or Definition stage)
z
The activities, processes, and experiences that led to or contributed to the
client's decision to commit to a major AI engagement
z
Specific Processes, Challenges and Decisions involved in successful large
inquiries, including:
z
z
z
z
z
z
How AI was introduced
Sponsorship, scope, and inquiry architecture, etc.
Which voices to bring into the room and for which activities
Whether and how to deal with “contentious” or “negative”
topics and issues
Topic development
Other key factors, issues, questions, discoveries, and
learning’s regarding the work that occurs before and during
the Definition Phase of whole system inquiries
INTERESTED IN CONTRIBUTING? WE'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU!
Please email your 250 word abstract, by February 15, as a MS Word file to both:
Bernard J. Mohr: bjMohr@InnovationPartners.com
Stephen P. Fitzgerald: sfitzgerald@aiconsulting.org
37
AI Practitioner
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Lessons Learned from Living from the Heart of Appreciative Inquiry

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