Healing the Loss of a Dream, Part II by Rokelle Lerner

Healing the Loss of a Dream, Part II by
Letting go of a dream that was dear to
us is one of the most difficult circumstances that we encounter as humans.
Yet we need to remind ourselves that
life demands release. We let go when
we go to sleep, when we take a breath
and ultimately when we die. But truly
this takes time and the development of
self-compassion. If not, some of us will
continue to carry the dead corpse of a
past relationship or job around with us
for eternity.
For those in this transition place between dreams, the process is slow and
sometimes it feels like nothing is ever
going to change. But with patience and
compassion, we suddenly notice that the
eggshell cracks, the branch begins to develop a bud and we're ready to enter a
new phase in our lives. During the space
between the death of one dream and
the birth of another, don't be surprised
if it feels like change is non-existent.
Healing the Loss of a Dream, Part II ................. 1,2
The Grieving Journey .............................................. .3
Fall at Cottonwood ................................................ .4
Nacho! .......................................................................4
Nutrition in Recovery:
DASH to the Mediterranean Diet ........................ 5
Mediterranean Bean Salad
with Garbanzo Beans .............................................. 5
Cottonwood's lnnerPath Retreats .........................6
Rokelle Lerne r
The truth is, what's happening is occurring
"underground", deep in our soul. The poet
laureate Juan Ramon Jimenez writes the
following about the process of waiting:
"My boat struck something deep ...
Nothing happened.
Sounds, silence waves ...
Nothing happened.
Or perhaps everything has happened.
And I'm sitting in the middle of my new life."
During the transition between the death
of one dream and the birth of another, we
need to allow the full realm of our despair
and grief, our anger and sadness. If we're
willing to do this, we inevitably reach a
state of grace called acceptance. The following are steps for grieving the death of a
dream and entering into this transcendent
state: ·
some time and we would hope for
their support and patience while we go
through our grieving process. Those of
us who are supporting friends, relatives
or clients in their mourning can help by
asking the right questions and listening
carefully. We need to be mindful and not
analyze or label someone whose grief
won't diminish. Rather, we can gently ask
what dreams they had that surrounded
their loss: "Could it be that you miss
the .dream of the nurturing family?" "Is
it possible that the image of yourself as
the courageous healer has gone?'' My
experience is that when the shattered
dream is acknowledged, it brings forth
tears, perhaps anger, and, ultimat~ly, the
relief that someone finally understands.
Create Safety
Like a butterfly in a cocoon, find some
safety and comfort for yourself. Don't
Name t he Dream
The healing process begins when we can
be honest and name the dream that's been
shattered. Because we're not trained to
notice the dreams that are attached to
our losses, it tal(es gentleness and reflection to discover the underlying vision and
the meaning it held for us.Tools for discovering your dreams include having courageous conversations with trusted friends,
journaling, art, meditation and tending to
your dreams at night.
Educate Your Friends
Once the dream is named, we need to
educate our friends and loved ones about
the nature of our grief. We need to let
them know that our grieving may take
(continued on page 2)
Healing the Loss of a Dream, Part II
throw yourself into situations that
threaten your need for serenity. This
transition time will be an opportunity
for you to discover the art of self-soothing. For some this will mean meditation,
listening to music, prayer, silent walking,
utilizing the creative arts or connecting
with friends.You might check with those
you trust to see what helps them to create sanctuary in their lives. However, it's
our responsibility to explore what form
of comfort will bring us the kind of ease
ahd safety we need. This is valuable information that will sustain you throughout your life.
Tell Your Story
At some point it will be crucial to tell
your story and have it witnessed. Telling our story can move us beyond the
wounding and helps us to process our
grief in ways that can't be done in isola- ·
tion. We need to look into the eyes of
others wh9 hear our lost dreams and
notice their sadness, their compassion
and even their outrage or horror. Storytelling is a powerful form of soul retrieval in every culture on this planet.
When you're able to tell your story, it
honors the past and creates room for
a future . It's a way of cleaning out your
psychological garden to make room for
new growth.
Discover Your Patterns
The way we bring situations, relationships, or dreams to a close is often a
style we've developed for dealing with
endings. Think about the ways you've
learned to say goodbye: Do you hang
on? Do you end abruptly/ Do you linger
before you leave? Do you leave and then
return again and again? The way we let
go of a dream can involve any of these
styles. Sometimes knowing our patterns
can help us to be gentler with our process.
Find Perspective
It will be important to get some perspective in order to see the bigger picture. If you think that the old dream is
(continued)
the best that you'll ever have, you're going
to remain in a cycle of suffering. If we're
consistently focused on what's not working in our lives, we will never develop the
ability to embrace something better. The
gift waiting to be claimed by perspective
is the ability to see the whole picture of
what we've lost: the good, the bad, the precious and the horrible. It's also the best
remedy for self-pity. There is no other
behavior that locks us into misery then
feeling sorry for ourselves. It completely
pulls us away from our connection with
ourselves and t hen all we have is a mass of
toxic resentment. A remedy for self-pity is
to be of service, volunteer your time, and
discuss with others the journey they've
been on and how they were able to focus
their energy on life-giving thoughts.
Borrow Hopefulness
"Our most spectacular answers to prayers
have come when we were so helpless, so out
of control that we could do nothing at all for
ourselves." Catherine Marshall
with you as long as you'd like".
If we are to have meaning in our lives, we
gradually need to try on new dreams. If
we refuse to entertain new visions for
our future, we eventually walk the procession of the living dead. We don't have
to cook up some future fantasy that
doesn't ring true. Rather, we can begin
to journal, draw or even be silent to see
what longing_ is stirring in our hearts.This
is the practice of cultivating the willingness to listen to our deepest desires.
For those who have experienced the
death of a dream, it takes courage to
dream again. Anyone who has experienced this kind of loss understands
the expression, "dare to dream". It's
definitely daring to get our hearts and
minds wrapped around another vision
for us. But if we're willing to take the
chance, it provides a powerful affirmation of life that feeds our spirit.
Sometimes when we mourn, there are · Rokelle Lerner is one of the most sought after
days where it seems impossible to reach speakers and trainers on relationships, women's
issues and addicted family systems. Rokelle is the
any level of optimism for the future. This Clinical Director of lnnerPath Retreats at Cottonis the time when we need to listen to our wood Tucson. She has received numerous' awards
friends who try to influence our state of for her work with children and families including
mind, Instead of negating the positive na- Esquire Magazine's "Top 100 Women in the U.S.
Who Are Changing the Nation," and the National
ture of what people give us, we can literal- Association of Children of Alcoholics · lifetime
ly borrow their hopefulness for the future, achievement award for her work with adult chileven when we have none ourselves.
dren of alcoholics. Rokelle has been an advisor and
A colleague of mi.ne was doing therapy with
a woman who had lost her husband several years previously. This woman wanted
help in creating a new vision for her future.
However, every time this woman would
get close to a new dream, she'd "blow it
off" and become sullen and despairing. My
colleague acknowledged her hopelessness
but also offered her client this gift:"l know
you can't see your way past your grief right
now, but I'm going to remain the container
for your hope and you can 'dip' into this
container when you're ready." Meanwhile,
she encouraged the woman to borrow
some of the optimism she had: "It's free
of charge", she said, "and you can carry it
2
consultant with foreign governments, US agencies,
corporations, schools and hundreds of individuals on relationships, boundary issues and addiction. Rokelle has appeared as a guest consultant
on numerous television shows such as Oprah, Good
Morning America, CBS Morning News and 20120. Her
articles and interviews have been featured in the
Washington Post, New York Times, Newsweek, Time,
People Magazine and Parents Magazine.
Rokelle has published the best selling books Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics, Affirmations for the Inner Child, and Living in the Comfort
Zone: The Gift of Boundaries in Relationships.
Her latest book is The Object of My Affection is in
My Reflection· Coping with Narcissists.
The Grieving Journey
by Dan Stone, MSW, LCSW, LISAC, CT
.Sometimes people may have had an ambiguous relationship with
the deceased. The deceased family member has struggled with
their own issues and inappropriate behavior which also complicates the grieving process. Clients need to be encouraged to talk
about their painful experiences so that healing, forgiveness and
acceptance can be achieved. Working with a counselor can help
the griever address these issues so that resentment and shame
are not suppressed because of a fear of being disrespectful to
the dead.
Everyone grieves uniquely. In the past
it was thought that there are predictable stages that grievers go through to
achieve acceptance of the loss. My personal belief is that one size does not
fit all. In my work as a private counselor and at an inpatient setting, I have
worked with clients who respond to
their losses differently. My work with
clients has also been affected by my
own experience with loss.
In my work at Cottonwood and in my private practice, I begin
with a consultation to assess the client's need and hear their
story. In some cases, the death is a signal event that has profoundly disrupted the life of a client. Prior to the loss, the client
may have enjoyed a fairly contented life. In their world view they
assumed that their children would outlive them, they would enjoy a long life with their partner and that their parents would live
to a ripe old age. Death causes the bursting of our expectations.
Suddenly the world is no longer a safe and predictable place. We
are propelled into a strange and terrifying landscape. Nothing is
the same anymore.
My father died in February of 1986. I was not sober at the time.
My response to the loss was to use more of the substances I had
become addicted to. Throughout the initial mourning rituals of
my religion, I was physically present but emotionally checked out
and unavailable.
In November of 1987 I hit my bottom and began my new journey
of recovery and hope.As my body and mind healed, an interesting
phenomena occurred when I had about three months of sobriety.
I was now remembering my dreams as my sleep pattern began
to normalize.
In one specific session, a client had
-experienced the death of a teen age
One night I dreamt that I was in a
I have described grief as being
son.At the conclusion of sharing the
New York City subway car. The car
assignment
with me she expressed
similar to an old water heater
was empty with the exception of
anger at God for taking her child
wit h a safety valve.
someone sitting next to me. That
from her. As she was religious, the
person's role in the dream was to
thought of anger towards God was
listen to me as I spoke of the new hope I was experiencing in
difficult to express. She felt guilty about being disrespectful. Igenrecovery. In the corner of the car, a person was reading a newstly encouraged her to dialogue with God using an empty chair.
paper. The paper was shielding their face.
After initial reluctance, she was able to go with it. Along with
expressing her anger, she was able to ask questions like, "Why
As I spoke of my new life, the person in the corner put down the
did you do this to me?" and-"When will you give me the strength
newspaper and stood up. It was my father but he was different. It
to go on?" Concluding this exercise the client reported feeling
was not the eighty-two year old who was dying from pancreatic
comforted and relieved. In fact, she reported that afterwards she
cancer. He looked like he did in his twenties, healthy, robust with
felt that her relationship with her Higher Power was healing.
dark hair. I said, "Dad! What are you doing here! You're dead!" He
replied, "I just wanted to tell you to keep doing what you're doing.
I have described grief as being similar to an old water heater
It's going to be ok."
with a safety valve. Periodically we open the valve to let some
water out so the heater doesn't burst. Similarly the griever needs
I woke up with tears running down my face. Shortly afterwards,
to let the feelings out. Alcoholics/addicts and codependents are
I went to the cemetery. Standing by his tombstone I wept as I
notorious for repressing our feelings until they come out sidespoke to him about my life. I went back to my car feeling as if a
ways. I recommend that after the initial grieving period, when the
weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
family and friends are no longer available, that the griever allows
themselves a specific period of time each day to sit quietly with
For the next ten years I continued my recovery as I eventually
their feelings. This allows us to gradually accommodate and reentered my new profession. In 1998, my mother died of a stroke
turn fo~us to the business of life.Above all we need to be 'kind to
at the age of 81. I left Tucson to go to her bedside as she lay in
ourselves and recognize that we have a right and a need to grieve
a coma. During a seven day death vigil, I stayed in touch with my
our losses. Unpleasant events and feelings ~re part of life.
recovery support system and r.eceived support from new friends
Dan Stone, MSW, LCSW, LISAC, CT, is' a Cottonwood Tucson counselor
in Florida. When she died I was there to hold her hand talking to
specializing in relapse prevention, addictions, and grief
her in her final moments.
3
Fall at Cottonwood
Photos courtesy of Lisa Taylor Horn
Nacho!
Well hi there - long time no see!
I've been very busy prancing about
the Cottonwood campus giving
smiles and happy times to patients
and staff, and kisses to those that
let me! I was recently humbled to
receive a lovely collage from one of
my patients and have hung it in a
prominent place in my area of the
office I share with my co-therapist
Karen . I 'hope that you are all well
and coming to know what true joy
is!
4
Nutrition in Recovery:
DASH to the Mediterranean Diet
by Lisa MacDonald, MPH, RD
Dietary advice is a source of confusion
for many. We are absolute ly bombarded
with nutrition information and enticed
by diet du Jour. Diets wi ll deem entire
food groups or at least portions of food
groups as "bad" and other foods are
touted as super foods that wi ll cure a
variety of ailments. One diet approach
often contradicts the next. Ugh! We
are left paralyzed not knowing what to
do with our nutrition. Unfortunately,
much of this advice and information is
not backed by good science. So, what
dietary advice is backed by good science? The DASH (Dietary Approaches
to Stopping Hypertension) Diet and the
Mediterranean Diet are two scientifically sound diets that prot ect against heart
disease, metabolic syndrome (combination of increased blood pressure, increased blood glucose, high cholesterol
and abdom inal fat), some types of cancer, obesity, and diabetes.
The DASH diet originated from a couple
of large studies looking at the impact of
dietary changes (DASH diet) on reduction of high blood pressure. The DASH
diet not only improved high blood pres-
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sure, but also helped to lower LDL ('bad"
cholesterol). Lowering blood pressure
and LDL cholesterol reduces one's risk of
heart disease.
The Mediterranean Diet is considered
by some to be the best prescription for
a long and healthy life. It is thought to
be more than just a diet. In addition to
dietary guidance, the Mediterranean approach encourages people to enjoy meals
with friends and fami ly. Research shows
when famil ies eat together they are more
content and meals tend to be more nu tritious. The Mediterranean lifestyle also
places importance on daily exercise.
The dietary recommendations from the
DASH diet and the Mediterranean diet are
very similar. They both are plant-based
diets that focus on whole grains, lots of
fruits and vegetables, nuts seeds, and
beans. Both diets advocate for moderate
use of lean animal products with emphasis
on fish and poultry. Not only do these
diets suggest eating in a low fat way, but
also promote choosing healthy fats such
as monounsaturated fats (olive oil, canola
oil). One difference between the two di-
A couple of nice thing about both the
DASH and Mediterranean diet is that
they do not omit any food groups and
they are free in that there is no need
to buy any specialty products or supplements. The only investment is buying
whole, fresh foods . This delicious recipe
for Mediterranean Salad with Garbanzo
Beans presented by Chef Richard Serna,
fits beautifully with both the DASH and
Mediterranean Diets ... Enjoy!
Lisa MacDanald, MPH, RD is the Director of
Nutrition Services at Cottonwood Tucson.
.ft<~- =·
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Mediterranean ·salad with Garbanzo Beans
Recipes Designed by Chef Richard Serna
Presented by Cottonwood Tucson
garbanzo beans (drained and rinsed)
red bell pepper (mediumdiced)
red onion (medium diced)
cucumber (medium diced)
grape or cherry tomatoes (sliced in haiD
kalamata olives (sliced and quartered)
fresh parsley (finely chopped)
f\~
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5
Nutrition Facts
Servln9 Sl;te 1 cup (247g)
Servings Per Container 4
Amo1.mt P&r Serv111g
Calories rrom F'at 70
Calorie10 230
%D~i ly V.. I u ..
Total Fat89
12%
Saturated Fat 1g
Chef Richard Serna
serves as the
Executive Chef at
CottonwoodTucson
Dressing:
~
Y4 cup lemon juice
• I•
3Tbsp plain or Greek yogurt
:, ·~
I tsp
minced garlic
ITbsp olive oil
sugar
I tsp
salt and pepper to taste
Instructions:
In a large salad bowl combine all the salad ingredients and set aside.
In a medium-mixing bowl whisk the lemon juice, yogurt and garlic together.
Slowly whisk in olive oil, and sugar. Season dressing with salt and pepper if
needed. When ready to serve, toss the salad with the dressing and divide
into one cup portions. Enjoy.
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ets is the Mediterranean diet is more
liberal with olive oil and cheese and the
DASH diets put more attention on low
fat dairy products as the calcium in dairy
products plays a role ir.~ lowering blood
pressure. Both diets recommend limiting sugar and salt intake.
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Tral'ls F'at Og
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Cholesterol Omg
go,<,
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10%
Total Carbohydrata 31g
Oietaty F l b~r 6g
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Sugars 5g
Protein 9g
VItamin AiO%
Vf·Ulmin C 60%
Calcium 8%
Iron 10%
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• Prc tei14
4110 West Sweetwater Drive
Tucso n, Arizon a 857 45
COTTONWOOD
tu cs on
520.743.0411
800.877.4520
www.cottonwoodtucson.com
alumni@cottonwoodtucson.com
lnnerPath at Cottonwood offers retreats for individuals and couples who need
to work on codependency, relationships, communication, grief and loss, trauma,
anger, and addictions. Rokelle Lerner, psychotherapist, author and lecturer on
relationships, families and chemical dependency, is the clinical director and facilitator .
for lnnerPath . · Group size limited to 8 and meals and lodging are included in our fees.
Nov I 1-15 • Dec 9-13
Developing Healthy
Relationships
20 14: Jan 13-17 • Feb I0-14
(Couples)
Mar I0-14 • Apr 7-I I
Mar 17-21 •Apr 14-18
Dec 5-8
Jun 9-1 ~ • Sep 15-19
May 19-23 • Jun 16-20
20 14: May 12-16 • Dec 1-5
Oct 13-17
Beginnings & Beyond
Jul 28-Aug I • Sep 22-26
Nov 3-.7 • Dec 8-12
Women's Retreat
Developing Healthy
2014: Jan 6-10 • Feb 3-7
Families
Contact us to schedule
Contact us to schedule at 520 743 2141 or
innerpath@cottonwoodtucson.com