Fire - David Borofka

The well-dressed and happy two year old.
I am envious of the overalls and the smile.
David Borofka teaches composition, literature, and creative writing at Reedley
College in Reedley California. His stories have earned such awards as the Missouri
Review's Editors' Prize and Carolina Quarterly's Charles B. Wood Award for Distinguished Writing, and his collection, Hints ofHis Mortality, won the 1996 Iowa Short
Fiction Award. His novel, The Island, was published by MacMurray & Beck, portions
of which appeared in Gettysburg Review and Shenandoah. New work has appeared in
Image, Southern Review, and Manoa.
FIRE
/
Llavid Borofka
Th
c 61-c.st31-ts in thc h c k bedroonl upstairs.The hedi-oonl no one
ever uses bcc,luse it is stacked floor to ceiling with forty ).ears of
hei- gr;mdiilother's h i r ~mgazines.N o t to inention the boxes of her
grandi~~otllcr's
\\:ip and fills ;111de>itensioi~s.Ai~cietit
s);nthctics,ripe for
;111 explosion. So, while Clleryl Kendell stands on the sidewalk across
the street n ~ i t ha blnnket around her shoulders i l l the cool night air,
she watches t h e firen~enat their wosk and thinks of beehive haisdos
in the heat. Slick pages
fighting f'or their li\.cs. Synthetics co~itsacti~lg
\vith tlleir filding colors c u r l i ~ ~atg the edges.
Flaiues lick ,lpinst the upstairs windows, andTina, Cheryl's nlother,
~ ~ i n i i your ti~ckiiigjunk."She snutfles
sobs f i ~ ~ - i o i ~ s l ~ . " C ; o c l i~t ,i Moin.All
into the blanket she dragged fi-om her bed. "Herr I sworr I'd never
swenr again, and 11mv look.Jcsus. forgive n ~ e . "
Nana has hcen cleaci for tn.o years, butTina still talks to her o n a daily
basis, usu;llly i l l ai-gunuellt.O l d Sri~Jgcs,old scol-cs.The ~indeclat-rdwar
of faulilYlife. N o t even s,dv,~tionc;11 touch the angrr she hels, not 011
this Friday after Thanksgiving when she is already sensitive to irony.
W h e n the firc hrc& through die roof-.sparks shoot upward into the
hlack early ~ n o r n i n gsky likc- the birth of ncxv stars, like the intimatioil of danger, and, despite thc~nsc.lves,they O ( J / L a i ~ ddr with the rest
of thc. onlookc.rs.
and I , t\vo poor s a d s,lili< nit11 ~ L I Iv;u-io~sproblenls. W e \vould suddenly &$(over e;lch other. alld o u r physical union would embody the
enloiional coniplicity w e inlasined in e,lch other. 13ut this i5 not that
kind o f Ttory.
At least I don't think t h ; ~ itt is.
No. N o t exactly.
Help ~ l l eJesus.
?
S i l ~ i eTills's ancient Volks\vagen bul-ned along with everything
else, Cheryl and her nlother t;lke the bus w11e11 the!, return to their
house. Mnggic Anderson \\xtches from her porch as they stand in the
nliddle o f what \\-as ol1c.e their living rooln. Two days have passed
so the g r o u l ~ dhas cooled. With thc toes o f their slloes, they poke
a t the lu111ps of char, thcir life reduced t o its essence.Therc are n o
more offer7 of fiec neighborly shelter.Thcy art' no\\' just n rllotller
aild daughter without ;I holne of thcir o\v11.T h e 11ight of the fire,
a wolnnn ti-on1 the city's scx.ial-service liaison gave them a coupoll
for o n e night a t ,I decent hotel. Still, hy the time the fire cre\LTs
\verc gone and they h;ld fi1lt.d o u t all the papcr\vork, i t wac four
in tht. ~nornillg.ChC1-ylm i l Tina fell into bed by tive, aud by eight
o'clock there were vncuunl cleaners roaring outside their d o o r . T h c
next night thcy r e i ~ t e d1' room t'or the nlonth st the L;lzy Eight on
Motel 111-i\-ein thc clrazic.st p,lrt of OLII- town, two douhlr beds and
a hathroonl, n dysfunc.tion;~ltclc\~isioll,;lnd ;I Gideon's Bible, check
by jowl \vith the railroad tr~c'ks,a n d a t six c.\!er): ~ i r o r n i n gthey hear
the Souther11 Pacific ~rul~rble
through the twilight of t h e k drcanls.
HCI-i n o t h t ~kc~xpct;ilkil~s;lbout grndu;\tiolr,\vt~:~t
tt1r.y will do ol~c-c.
Cheryl h.rs hcr crcdt.rrti:d ;111dt1c.r dcgrrc. Look h i - jobs, both of
tht.111.A first re,rl .job fol- Cheryl, substitute t a c t l i n g at le,~stduring
thc sprillg. A better j o b tor7fina. She zan get o u t of the hxir business
tor good, le,lvc brllinci her mother's l e p c y niaybe train a t a travel
agency All these ycars ~ v l ~ i lCheryl
r'
has been in school-nothing
hut scrilnping ;lnd s;lving and getting by. They've filled out (hd's
own nun1bt.r of ccllolarship applications. H u t low, they'll finally have
some optio~ls.They'll see the value o f higher eclucation.They'll get
some W T I ~ U I for ~ l that
l sacrifice. H i s \\rill be clone. A n ~ e nSo,
. deipite
the fire and their loss o f the Ilousc. her ~ n o t l ~\\.as
e r born in.Ti11,i i\ as
happy as Cheryl has ever seen h u . She sees good tinles around
cornrr, , ~ n dshe wakes up singillg " A I I I ~ I ZGr;~ce."
~ I I ~ Eve11 t h ~ first
t
night when the police kicked in tlic door of the c h dcalcr's
~
pl;lcr
on the second floor.
So how is shc to tell her 111otht.rt h ~ there
t
is still tl~iso n c last paper
to \\rite?
For the burned-out apostate, n o 1ess.Tlit~cliaplai~i\\.it11 the murky
reputation.
Me.
Confirmndon o f w h d t 1 suspected cJn1e ;I non nth bcfol-c the begillning of thc €:all semester. My family n r d s gonc. Moll?, and CI;lrk and
Hanii;h left at Easter-llolv irouii tiws t/~at?-and esii.pt h i - n few
desultory plione calls with the children, wt. had little col1t;lit. Molly
alrcady had t : l k e ~up
~ with her yoga instructor. Nothing c o ~ ~ hc
l d u-orse,
and I took come coi~ifortin t l ~ tI . was working i n In): offic?, fi Ili11gi l l
blanks h r the schedule o f ser\,icrs-thc.111~~5,guest sprnkel-j. J I I so
~ 011
for the fdl and spring cemzstcr-s--\vhen Gloria AlbriSl~topencd tlic
door and brought tlie furnace of A L I ~ Lillside.
I S ~ As ])call of Studenti,
Ilr.Albrigl~thad hired me sevrll y a r s t~,lrlit~r.
111 rwicl- t i ~ n t xNow.
~ . the
iip\\;ardly mobile 1)r.Albright \vas the Collcge I'l-esicdtv~ti l l c h r g t ~of
a sizahle M i c i t , and ascol-ding to the cnnipus cc~uttlcbutt.the 1So~rd
of TI-mtees,all of \vhonl were conser\~~tive,
rcnctiol~,lry111c.11.llad ,lppointed her u ~ i \ v ~ l l i n ~She
l y . had only one ~nandntc:b r i n ~tlie colltsge
t o fiscxl respectability 01- lose hei-job i l l the b ~ r g n i nI.f s l ~ c\vas \Llicc\siul she n u d e thc board look likc progressive, forw;rrd-tliitlki11g li1rn;
if she hiled, they fired her, and i t w x just olic Inore proof ,113o~1t
tlie
inadequacy o f t h c fenlnle. So s l ~ ehad n o ~-cnsollt o visit 111cunless c11e
wirs making the rounds in search of :rllics o r firills peoplc in person,
a r ~ dsoniehow I didn't think that ,I cabal was o n 11er niincl.
She didn't wastr time o n the niceticc.
"Pink slips arc going out tomorrmv," she said."The l)o,lrd approved
the list. I thought you sllould k~~o\v."
FJKE
I Glt sol-I-?till- her. J h v e f'elt sorry e ~ l o u g hfor 1 1 1 y ~ ~bctwcen
lf
n
o
\
\
but
.
~
t
the
tinic
I
&It
sorry
for
Gloria
Albrigllt.
as she
thc.11 a ~ i d
t o i ~ c h ~alld
d rctouchctl her hclmet of hair and &livercd the bad ~ie\vs
as though she were a judge . ~ ~ i ~ ~ o u nac sentence.
ing
"You'll have," she said. "until the end of the spring. You'll have ,I
cl>:ulc.c to f i ~ l c lo t l ~ e r~ > ~ ~ ~ p l o y n ~ c n t . "
"A Unptist college \ \ . i t h i l t a nlil~ister,"I s'lid. "I\ll't that some kind
of error? S o ~ ~ l c t h i on
~ l gthe order ot-a college run by a woman?"
S l ~ eig~ioreclthc. t.lunt.
"You c'ui't turli around in this phce \vitliout running into ~ n i i ~ i s ters." She t'nldrd her x m s across her hrcxrs, picked a piece oflint nff
the Inpel ofller blue sult j:ic.ket."Evr~~
thc biologists have mi~iihtcrsin
their ~nidw.Youk n o \ \ that. We'll ~ n a k cdo for a timc."
"Ah. Spiritual lift. o ~ ai rotatins b~sis."
" S ~ > n ~ c t h iIikc
n g tll;lt.Yo~~
~ l l a d ctlic dezisio~leasier h i - the~n."
t
"The divorcc \\xs~i't1 1 1 ~~ ~d r a . "I s i d , "311d Ict's f>cr it, I'ni ~ i o the
o111yo11c \i.l~o's11x1 I 11;iritd diffic~~lties."
Her h c c dcwkcllecl;(~;lorinAlbri~Jltl ~ cspel-iellceci
d
her own problems
~ ~
to ;I partil~gof
in this ~-cg,lrd.S l ~ ca ~ i dh r r Ilusbn~ldhad I I ~ ; I I -come
the w a p . W h o k~lo\\;s\ v h y ? T i ~ passes.
~ ~ c p;~ssiol~s
cool, clrsirrs change.
I ~ L ~11o ac-ade~llic;hc \\,.I.; ;I plulnber, or a pipe fitter, I
Hcr I ~ L I ~ ~ X I i\rns
believe, s o r1it.y \\ere all intcrestil~gn~atcllright il-on1 the start, n ~ i td
W:I> 110 \\under that thcr-e \\:,IS w n l e tcnsioti. Thcrc werc ruliiors of
onc of thoscx n l ~ ~ ~ o s t - a f ilwt\vec~i
; ~ i ~ - s Ilerself nnd a younger tcinporary
Glol-in Albriglit and her husba~id
i11st1-uctori l l foreig~lIn~i~y;igcs.'Tli~t
had patched things up a t the sanlr tinle as the elid of the instructor's
just
appint~ilenw
t ~ purely
c
coincidentall J'ln SUI-e.Tlicrew a s a ri~ne,
nftcr Molly's dcparturcs. \vIicn 1 thought she night be c:~stiiighcr eye
in m). clil-ectio~i.That'sprobably ~ ~ 11n,11e
s t ego talking, 1iowcvt.r. of the
wounded variety, 110 less.
''1 t nasn'r just the divoi-cc."
"Nu?"
"No." She looked at 11le '15 though h e were a coroner, and I \vai a
corpse (xi the slab. "I never wnllted to mention this."
1 had taken a \vct>k of
Just befol-e the cncl of the spring sc~i~iester.
vac,~tiontinlc'. Bis n~istake.Molly and (:lark 'ind Ha1111ah\vtlrc l o 1 1 ~
gone, 1 was holed u p in my little rathole apal-tnlCnt.and I \\,as bored
and restless, but the idea of lenvilig town never cnterecl niy 11ii11d.I
s ~ ~ p p o 1s ethought that if 1 left, I niight 111iss niy h~nily'sretl1rn.Tl1c.y
might come to their senses only to finJ 111c goiic. I tklt so sorry for
111~scIfthat I drank a p i ~ l to f bourbon a i d six nil-linc bottles o f $11,
and then spent the better part o'if'o~~r
hours in the bathroo111 losilig
I I niiserics.
~
This isjlri, I told myself \vhilr lea11i11gover thc toilet,
1 1 ~ ~ 1011~ ' t ~ t ~ f d t l 'IIOIIJ!
o ~ ~ T\VO
hours Intel-, spent ,111d c.sliau+ted. \\liile
lying curled around the cool sten1 of the colnnlode, I had 111). v i h i o ~ ~ :
Tesus lovtd me! T h e whole clichi. iu tecl~nicolor\\.it11 thc white of
the hathroonl porcelain as a bonus.You 1liigl1t be surprised to learli
that Jesus ~ v a s ~ iw
' t w r i n g the ti-aditiorlal wliite rube ~ i l c be~ircl.
j
No,
in my vi,ion he w,is clean-shaven x i d his head n 7 a \ closc.ly cropped,
and for clothes he sported Jr.;lns and aT-shirt. 111ste;ldot'thundcr ~ i i c i
111s prefere~ic-es
lightning: u.e talked bout cvcrythi~ign ~ i d11othi1i~:
ill nioviei, pitchcrs of thc. Natio11;ll Le;~gue.2nd the dciti~ig5iellc.
His particular fmorites were Tlrr. Pririms Britlr. Saildy KouLis; ;111d
dinner followed by a \valk around the duck pond. I n r 3 \ i~iiprcssed.
So dourn to earth! Why hadn't \ve heard this brf;)~-e?0 1 1 , He )aid.
yoti can tell people and tell peoplc until you're b111cill tlic h c e , but
w h o listens? That is so right, I said.Just try i t s o ~ ~ i c t i l ~Hi e ,i'iid. So I
did. 1 hoisted In): carcass froiii the tiled floor. riliseci 111)' h c e , b i - ~ ~ s l ~
~
stood o n the corner of 13lncksto1ie nii<l Sha\\; in
my teeth, ; I I then
frotit of th3t group of right-wing fi~intics\vho ever). Friday iiiSlit
shout their support for- n72r against the rest of the world. Iraq! Syria!
Make the
Nortll Korea! Iran! I h i u b the x i s of evil to .;~iiitlie~-cells.
world safe by destroying :I third of it. F~tlir~~f;)r:q~~,r
tlior~~,~f;~r.
rlrc7)r ~ I I O I I J
,lot. Ilanin f'ascists. Even in ;I \vhisper my voice was a \ d;i~ii,ig~d
ns
Louic Arli~strong'c,a ~ i dniv iernioli o n love a ~ i dtlie consequences
of its opposite \vas seriously conlprolnised, 1'111 surc. I \va~itc.dt o tell
then1 that Jews and his 'l-shirt asked fix 1,etter heliavior. I\esptlct
\vh;it you don't h i o w for sure. My eyes \vew bui-ni11g\\;it11 111). own
convictions ~ v h i l etongues offire danced above 111); hrad. I'e~ltecost
had nothing on me! But the11 a Ions black cnr slid to n stop ;ignllist
the curb and 11s. Albright and hcs French i~istructorboyfrie~ldgot
o u t . W h a t in God's nanle ase you doing? she asked. H e r hands were
o n her hips. Have you complt.lel1. l o s t your 1iiind2 She held out
her cell phont.. I'm alwacly receivilig calls. I thilik I caid,Thc price
of telling the truth is ever \o high. ~r'est-cc.11a.i? A n d thcn I winked
at the boyfriend. a i ~ d1 11~1).li;~vt.\vac<lzd lily f i n ~ c rIn fioiit o f his
t
said. I m q have ~ i s c dsome other pllsaces
nose. Bad boy, I n ~ i g h have
appropriate to the two o f t h e m as \vt.ll. Get in, she wid, and togetlit-Ishe and Picrrc bundled llle i l l t o thc l)ackse;\t of licr To\vn C,lr.You
l
prcacl~iilgtht. o l ~ ctl-LIC f ~ i t l i ,
can't keep ;I ~iiinistero f t h e ~ o \ p r fi-om
I snid.You c,ln. she said, ?peaking over hc.1- .;hoiilcIe~-,if wid ~niilistrr
I wid, a n d scligiour percccuwants t o keep his job.Tliis is tyraii~~y,
tion. I have First A n ~ c ~ i d n l e rights.
nt
I lia\re ac~idelnic-FI-ecdol~r.Shut
LIP, shc said. S I I ~ I ~ I I ~ I ~ IThey
I I I ~took
~ ~ ~ me
I ~ II iIo ~n ~Ie~,~LIIICCI
I I ~ Iliic
.
LIP) the creilkiilg stail-5, ,111dp o ~ ~ r eI Id~ Cillto bed. And \\:lie11 I \ m k e
the I r c l r t ~ ~ l n s n j nnl);
g , headache told nlc t l ~ tllc
t
ill-illki~ignnd the
bathroom of the ~iiglitbefore \vcxl-t. real c ~ ~ ob ~~l tI ~Iloped
~ l ~that
,
s u b s c q ~ ~ e nrvellts
t
were merely the chaos o f dl-can1 alcl ;11~oliolic
niglit~li,~re.
And \vlle~lGlosia Alhrig1it wid ~iotliiligill the days <ind
weeks afier\varil, 1 consolcd ~nyself\\.it11 tllc thought tliat it \\:as o11ly
that, 1' d r c a n ~ ~ l, o t h i ~ inlose,
g
a n d for drealiis, of course, \vc are ~ i o t
held responsible.
However. xvlien Dr. Albsight Gced nle in my office t l i ~ tA L I ~ L I \ ~
morning, I knew that such I1opc. \vas nothirig Illore t h ~ nan illution.
"Oh." I said. holdi~igniy head, for it 11~dbegun to ,~chc,~liuchas i t
had two nlontlls exlier. ''C;OOC~ Lord, 1'111mostitied. L)id I really c d l
you the \vhore of Babylon? 1 seem to recnll that happening."
"1 hate t o d o this,Taylor. I like y o ~ ibut
. you Lvert. out of control h r
a wliilc. Preaching to thc ~ n ~ i l t i t ~ i dIt's
e s ullclcrsta~ld;~blt-,
.
tllc \my you
were acting: but you ca~i'tsay you did~l'tsee it conling."
I t was a freight trai~l,dnd I'd been lyii~g011 the tracks, \vaitirig a ~ i d
waiting fos the blo\v yet to come.
"No, you're right," 1 said. "The writi~lgwas on tlic \v:i11. c \ ~ nif
. .
I couldn't make out the words exactly. A Baptist niinister glvlng a
sernioll o n the street corner-wlnt
was I t h i n k i ~ ~ g
1 lincall Baptist
ministers preacli o n street corners all the t i n ~ ebut
, they usually don't
do so with Jack I ):111ie1s011 their breath."
"I think you'll b e happier doing sonlething else," she wid. "I h n ' t
you?"
As though their \\;IS soiiletliing elst, fix a failed 1 ~ ~ i n i s t c r - ~ l , ~ s l ~ - t c ~
"I nla11~1gec1
to scre\v u p t \ \ u jobs i l l one," I snici. "Wlxlt's left?''
"You c o ~ ~ al\\lavs
ld
try your hand , ~ insul-ance."
t
she said. "or real
estate. It's a boon1 nl,lrket. Look at the interest r:ites.You're not so old
you cou1d11't s\\)itch ~ C J I - Maybe
s.
y o l ~cliould go lm-k to school."
So ~ i o where I W J ~ at
, the c ~ o~f the
d fd1 s c ~ n ~ s t cwith
l - 111). ~ I I L .
class filled \z.ith bitter studc~itsa i ~ dSOLIT, suspicious pal-c~its,;lnd all
aciniinistratio~~
ouly too ivillilig to see tile go.W/,lc it any \vo~ldel-th,it
~ ~ ~first
r , to tht' c-lnssificds t o ri.;ld
\vlien I opened 111)- i ~ c \ ~ ~ s1 pturned
about 111yti~ture!
T\vo weeks after tlir fire. C1it.1-yl \vakt.s ]atc. H c r mother is gone.
Ainid the f;11ls ai1c1p e r m n i ~ t ~ ixt lsd gossip,Tiiia is ~ i b o u hcit I~~o~~I
business. Un\villing though she Inay be. T h e r e 'II-C' custo~net-s\\.Iiose
g r o o n i i ~ l gneeds niu\t bc met; there ai-e bills th:~tmust be paid. Fire
01-n o tire. Cheryl rolls ovcl- and looks ~t t h r arthritic. alarm clock
on the r n d table. Eight fifteen. U); the time she sliowcrs a ~ dresses,
~ d
aiid t h e ~ icatches tlic bus to c-;impus, it \\:ill be ~ l i n ctliil-t); at l c ~ s t .
Just enough time t o seas11 her ten o'clock scniinai-. 13ut why? Slit.
has n o pnprr to turn in, in :rll likelihood she 1levc.r ~villhave a paper
to turn in, and Reverend Tyler-Tq.1or-is
n p n i ~ iin t11c a\s. T h e
Tyler. "A pain in the ass." She sl~oul(in'tsay it, but
R e v r r e ~ ~Tyler
d
there it is. T h e words ninke her giggle. To 1ic;lr them f-om li(-i- omm
niouth. She lies hack against her pillo\v. listening t'or tllose noises
o n the other side of t h r door. T h e ,Cl~y-eClr!q,
mrylr! of a niotol-cyclc
trying but unnble to turll over.The hoarse expletive of its rider. 311d
i y past
the t o o - b r i c j ~ t ,too-brassy laughter of a woliian t o o ~ n ~ i ye;~rs
her p r i m r . Why are they u p so early'! O r are they just now leaving
;i party that has lahted all night? Their voict~?,11-e ,I door\\pay t o 1' lifc
n o t recognized 1
y her ~ n o t h e r . W h a tmust it be likt- t o straddle thc
seat o f a motorcycle, t o ride with her f ~ c ept-esc~.dagainst s o ~ ~ ~ c o n e
h c k , hcr 21-111s X O L I I I ~ his waist? TO wedr lentlier, to taste the \vinJ
a11d her ow11 mortality? S h c hate< licr own tinlidit);. What else has
she never know:^^, protected ac s l ~ ehas beell by her fearful, u~lhappy
mothcl-?W ' l l ~ telse has she yet to discovi.i-?
Hcr hthcr, u111iketlie draft recistcrs of a decade earlier.1eft Iier mother
and her tlvo-ye;lr-old self-t'or crinlinal rather th;ln ideologicnl reasons.
H e used the w4ds of C:a~l.~d.l;is 3 fi-esh st'lrt c ~ g c l i ~L~I-113
~ s t clixges and
his o\vn d e n ~ o ~ l,111ci
s , Ile h u i t d s,llvatio~l,Illlong a c o ~ n n ~ u ~ ot'Ne\v
iity
hgcrs a ~ l dthc IJIISLI;I~C of .lcldictioil therapy H e has \\.ritten Chcryl
; I I I ~I I C ~~ l l o t l l 011
~ r IIUIIICI-OLIS O C ~ ; I S ~ O I I S~,i r g i n gtllt'ni to join him i l l
the Ile\v worlci of Uritisll (:olunlbi:r, but the); Ilever have. not even ill
tlie colltrzt of:^ \ucation. And this is w h ~ she
t thi~lks:evt'r s i ~ ~ her
cc
f~thcr'sd e p r t u r c , h c ~ilotllcr
~
has retreated fill-ther and f:~rtherillti.)
her o\\!11 brand o f f ~ ~ ~ ~ d : ~C~l i nr ies t~i ;~~ ~t ~aasilt ya ch;trn~against ti-&
~ ~ ~ i s i o r t Her
u ~ wvicLii-io~~s
.
L)i-~1sh\\;it11 the illegd hi<lefi her shnkei~,
fe:~rfulof risk, and ati-.lid of the body with its appetites and cr3~1llgs,
it$ ability to o v c ~ - \ \ ~rexo11
l ~ ~ la11d
~ ~ good
~
sense.This is her legacy for
C I I C I - ~And
I . fi-0n1Tina's s t ~ ~ ~ ~ d itp has
o i ~kvorkcd,
~t.
1ias11't it? Until thc
night of tlie fire, tllcy 11,lve h i l o n ~ la I-elativcly peacefill life, :llrliough
cl~atpcsace I1;ls hen1 s o ~ ~ l r \ v h ha t; ~ ~ l d - t o - ~ ~ i oi lul tthc
h fi11;111cialst'ilsc.
Hut ~ Y Y V I i l l that reg,lrcl. tllcir povcl-ty, there is a n aftir~nationof God's
plul a l ~ dHis lde\sing of t l ~ epoor. She clings to her beliefs with thc
tenacity of .I H u g ~ ~ c ~ ~ o t .
So, when (:beryl can hear the sou~ltlsof a sho\ver nnd n Inan singing "1 C:ould Have 13:111c.edAll Ni3htn 111 ,I voice so off-key as to ckfy
song, she lihte~~s
;IS t l ~ o u g hshe's Ilcaring another I a n g ~ ~ a gShe
e . knows
that tlie
next door is ;1 divorccd liquor salesnia~ii l l Ilis <ixtics.Why
diould he be singing o n r of Audrey Hepburn's songs from ,Zy I41it.
L d y ? And the drug dealer in the rooill ~ ~ p t a i rout
s , o n bail and n o
more cl~.lstenedt11,11i the day before his htest bust, n u s t have a guest,
bec,lusc the t\vo of tl~clnhavc just c a n m r n c e d a vigorous session of
n l o ~ - n i lo\:e~liaki~i~,
~y
a11d the rhythni of tlirir e s r r ~ i o n sthe
, vibration
of \vindows ; I I I \valls
~
and eelling. is as f~sciiiatingas i t is rc~pulsive.In
another hour she will n o doubt miell tlic smoke of burning cannabis
as i t drifts thro~lg11t l ~ eoptwed windoxvs.
David Borof'ka
Let me tell YOLI about the place where I used to live. It WIS n o t h i 1 1 ~
f ~ ~ caytract
, housc, o n e of five r e p e a t i ~ lnlodel<.
~
If you drovtl d u v n
the street where I L I S ~to live, ~ L Is\ve,u' J it \vas Stephi-(1. I co~ild
h ~ v ctold you u.hei-e every b ~ t h r o o i n\\.;I\ Ioc,lted, ~ 1 1 idl l the \villter
1 lovcxl it
when the trees were b ; w , every roofridge \\.as idei~tic,ll.11~1t
thrre.\Ve had a patio, a n J o n sulniller iiights, w h c i ~t h r l ~ e a tlilige1-ec1
~ ~i ~ n o k eto
past sunset, I b:lrbecued, se~ldillgup 111y own c o l u ~ l iof
join wit11 the rest of iny firr-loving t r i t ~My
. cllild~-ei~
had t11t.11-oivn
I-oonls.aild my- wifc h;ld her \\;,I); u-ith the I~oust''1s 3 \vhole. but the
room nbove the garage m a s minc. T h e \vi~~do\vs
looktd e'lst, ~ O W J I ~
the purple razor o f the Sierra, a i d bcio~-cthe ho~ises\vere built 01)
the other side of the strtxet,bcforc the trws ~ r c wup , ~ n dobsti-ucted
the remainder of the view, 1 could \\.atch the suil fi-ec itself ti-o11ithe
mountains every- morni11g.Then the ~ ~ e i g h b o r h o cch;l~~gecl,
d
a11d our
filmily cllangrd, and none of us lived there anynlore.
111the divorce, Molly took the hoc~se,thinking to keep it: but thc11
out of the blue, sllc sold it: u i ~ dshe ; ~ n dH J I I I I: ~ n~dC1,rrk moved
to N e w Mrsico, and I suppose. they're happy enough i l l tht. 1:111tlof
enchantn~entwith Molly's pottery clnsses a n d Suti dancing a ~ i dher
t l ~ e~ c l ~ o oarc
ls
displaced yoga trainer fi-oin the Bronx. And altl~o~iglr
g l ~ be on
nothitlg special, the kids are happy a n d so011 c ~ ~ o u thcg~'l1
their own.
And this is w h r r r 1 landrd: a one-bedroo111 etliiieilc-y 0 1 1 the tllircl
floor o f a n o l ~ l e building.
r
M y room \\,as jn111111edunder the cmes and
the cciling was filled with the odd corners 2nd L . L I ~ O L I ~of
S its clorlner
windokvs. I >uct work had been wedged b c t ~ v c etlw
~ ~ceili11~
nnd the
walls, late efforts at air conditioning. At least once a weck, 1 stood up
or turned around only to whack mysclf ill the he,~d.1'111 [lot tall, but
the ceiling, with its many impediments, was that short, nild although
I 3111hardly old, I was beginning to walk with a pernlanent stoop.
She Ilas only the vaguest ~ i o t i o iof~ \\;h<ltshe misht do. w l i ~ tshe
might SJ); but if she thinks too specifically nbout wh3t shr; plannii~g,
shr will know hcr ftupidity for \vhai i t is. There's c w r y r;ltional reason
~ chcsn't tliii~k.ifshe lets nature t ; k
why it's the \vroi~gthing. H L Iifsllc
its course, then \ v h is
~ Incwlt to l i , ~ p p e \vill
~ l 11appc.n. S t q loose. she
thinks. B r in the Inonwijt. 1)on't becoine your mother, c1oi1't \vori-y
t l i , ~ thcieverything to tlcath. She wlects the sheer c r ; i ~ ~ l m -blo~rsc
ry
nlother \von't let her \L.CJI-, ;tnd her tightest jea~rs,so oficn \z,asllrd
.
In all of t l ~ eturmoil of
they art, more white t11an blue. h ~ l c white.
, 113s lost tivc P O L I I I ~ S ,2nd l ~ c clo~llcs
r
G-cl ' p o t i , '1s
the p x t ~ v w k sshe
though the): h n e l ~ ~iilade
i l specific.~llyfor her.so tl~erci \ soinetlliii~
to be said hi- die positive effccts of cntastrophe. Hcr blouse ~vit11it$
spark of colol- gl,~ddeilsher, ewii 11s tht. gauzy, we-thi-ough n~atrrial
r
it's ,I
annoys her noth her. Her hair.. . \velI. her hair is c ~ n o t h estory:
mess. it needs to he trininled a ~ i dIr~yereil,solnc lliS1ili:,.ht.; wo~ildn't
hurt, but tllcre's ilotlling to bc done at illis vcry nlonient rxcept pin
it b ~ c kand hope for tlir best. H e r nlother may be a 11,lir stylist, lxit
her inother's dauglitei-'s I i i r is a dis,~stc'r,Iier worst fent~ire.Ic~i'tt i n t
~ ~ 1the
s t \vaJr l i k is?
Sllc closes tlle door to their liiotcl I-oo~u\vith the scnsc that s o ~ n c thillg big, sonwthing ~ n o n i e ~ i t o uiss ,on the verge of liappe~iing,but
a t the bus stop she only rep-cts not \\vari~lgher coat.The l)ec.cinbc~sky is clear, the morning fog h,is l x ~ r n e doff, hut the sun is all ligllt
and n o he,lt. And c\:en after shc steps aboard the bus, slir continues
shivering.'l'his i< ~ v h a tv,lrlity \vill do, she thinks, ; l i d the \ Y O I - ~ S cclm
her mother's voice.Va~~ity
3iid ~~1pci-stitioll.
She is hai-dly v,~in;she has
IICWT
had money enough for clothcs to be truly vai11;she Iias always
hnd to make d o with disco~ult-.;torediscoveries: last ycai-'.; tops anJ
skirts, second-hand jeans. I-csoledand sel-vice:~bleshots. 111 lies mother's
mind, their poverty is 3 g ~ ~ a l agr~inst
-d
the I;u-gcr sills. Still, her coat is
terrible: a tllrcadbare canvnc tl~illg\vith c ~ ~ that
f k 'Ire h y c d rind dark
from use. Wearing it wo~11dgive away hel- disguise; the soph~sticated
college student \ v o ~ ~ lbe
d revealed f o r ~ v h a tshe t n i l y iq: ;I penniless
drab just this side of weltkc.
David Borofka
"What?"
"Have you seen Tqdorl I need to talk to hiin."
"He's probably at home."
She inclines her head toward the other side ofthe road t;icing campus,
then writes down an address.
"His apwtn~ent?''
"He won't care. He's lonely. Just knock on the door."
Cheryl thanks the girl, then \wlks past tlle adniiiiistratiorl building
and across the street. All this walking. She's still cold, aiid now there's
;1 heaviness deep in her guts as well. A hint t h t she nlight be gettins
sick. A cup of tomato soup sounds heavenly.
I
Taylor's building is onc ofthose g r m d old houses that has I ) ~ L Y diced
up into cubbyholes, terrible little apnrtnients, and, of coursc, with her
luck, his apartment is on thc' top floor. and with every step she takes.
she can feel a pull in her lower abdonieri as tho~igliextra ~vcigllthas
bee11 attached to her abdon~inalwall \vitli t h u n ~ btacks.
At the top of the third-floor landing, she knocks o n the chaplaill's
door. N o answer. She knocks again, but noxv the p i 1 1 ill her ; i b d o n ~ e r ~
is announcing itself much more insistently: this i j t / l c bot/y.Thc thumb
tacks have become nails and knives, and whatever plcasure she took
in herself earlier this morning is most d e h ~ i t c l ySolle
"Taylor," she cdls. "Taylor. Are you in there!" She k~locksoile last
time."I need to talk to you about my paper.Are you nt honle':"
T h e only sound on the other side of the iloor is the silence of a l d d
breath, she is n o longer able to stand upright. and cven her body has
begun to for111 a question inark.
She imagines the chaplain sitting in his apartrilcnt, waiting for her
to leave.W h y is he hiding from her? she woiders. W h ~ does
t
he have
against her? Is this what Jesus does to those w h o take too niuCh pleasure from their own bodies? And why is a school cliaplai~lnamed fcx
two dead and mediocre Presidents?
And that's w h e r ~she passes out.
I car~celedthe last class of the semester. I hadn't planlied on i t , but
when I arrived o n campus, there was a n cnvclope in my niailbos
FIRE
with the briefest of notes. From Molly. She n:as getting remarried
in January. I shouldn't have been surprised. O u r divorce had gone
through without a hitch, as though even bureaucracy agreed that
we \\:ere no longer nieant to be a match. But opening her letter
knocked me to nly knees. and I said, "Oh, shit. O h , God," loud
enough to alert the angels, and it was lily good fortune that nolie
of my self-righteotls colleagues were ill the niail room just then to
witness i11y discoillfort.
So, without ,I word ofm:nrning or explan,ltion, I posted an announcement 011 111y classrooni door ("No class today; turn in your filial papers
to illy ofiice by Monday at 9:OO a.m.") and then ,I coinpanion note oil
111y office door before I lurched off-campus to the coKeehouse two
doors froni lily building.
"Molly," I kept niuttering. "Molly, Molly, Molly.You have done me
wrong, and soineday you'll realize the depth of your ~nistakes."O u r
marriage was over, alid I was stunned, hut I wonder if I n:as as tornie~ltedas I niisht have appeared.
So why did Molly leave? N o marriage is without co~ilplication.and
ours was no exception.Thr easy answer is that we just ran out of gas.
We woke up one morning, looked at each othcr in the full liglit of day,
and realized that enough was rilough.You know how you can look
at sonlethim-a
picture, a word, your lover's eyes-and if you look
too h x d it no longer makes sense. After sixteen years, two children,
and four debt reconsolidations we knew each other s o well that Lve
didn't know each other at all.
T h e more coniplic'~tedanswer is that we both lost our faith. but we
lost it in different ways. Molly lost her faith in Jesus and she lost her
faith in me. She was jaded, all right, and she k n e ~ vtoo ~ n u c hI. an1 so
pidatnrred t i r d , she said. I a m sick tn dcarlr of all tllcsc piorts. p o t l y - ~ I I J O shoe Baptists ~ r h o s ccycs arc likc knives and their h a r t s arc likr Pink She
was sick of it, and on Sunday mornings when I stepped docvn fi-oil1
the pulpit fresh fi-on1 the delivery of my sermon, I could tell that she
was sick of me. S~rperstitionatrd tnakc-bclieve, she said,jair)~talesjbrji~arjul adults. A n d I S I A P ~ O Z C all tlie Buddhists and M ( ~ s l o ~Hincirrs
s,
a d 1c11?c
are drud u~rotig?
David Borqfka
Who was I to argue? Pdy no attetztio~rto that runti bclzirld tlie clrrtilir~.
For by that time, I had traded my spot at the church house door for
niv ofice on the s u n n y side of the cullegc chnpel. I felt fi.audulent
either way, but what was I supposed to do-becollie a travel agent i l l
the ~niddleofnly life? Usc ~illmf~tler
noi?itJyon uJatlt,I said to Molly, u~7'rc
al( jrrst tryir!? to rrrakc orrr umy rlzrougll tllc c-orliplcxiticc (fljfi.
No, she said, rro tnorc ylzoncy balonry I'rrz hrrri~ir;qrrzy briilxc,s, h d d y bo)!.
It's tintc to be horiesr wirlr oursclvcs.
She could no longer tolerate the rigor of our conventional lifr and
while I couldn't conceive of any alternatives.
So I left the house, and then she sold it so she and the kids could
discover the Land of Enchantment. Lif? is what it is. but I h ~ dfol~
I can't say I thought very highly of th? divine at
lowed all t l rules!
that nlon~ent.Whichn n d e i t all the more surprising when Jesus paid
me a visit while 1 languished in the bathroom that night of 111y binge.
Did I mention that I called Molly before I took nly positioii on the
street corner? Although the hour was late and a n hour later for her.
shc answered the phone 011 one ring.
Molly. I said, we're two lost souls, you and I. Why should we be so
unhappy?
There was a pause on the other end of the line. Oh,Taylor, she said,
speak for yoursel< and then she hung up, so quietly I didn't know
right away that she was gone. So I spoke for myself and Jesus in his
T-shirt; is it any wordcr I spoke with such passion that night? She
had ,I life, while I only had a headache, and now she had her yoga
instructor besides.
Since that night, I had spoken with Molly only once, and that ~ v a s
over sorllethirig innocuous: the new owners of our house had called
with some question about the maliufacturer of the living-room carpet,a
question I couldn't hope to answer. And then her letter came. l_)car72ylur,
it read. Ijuxr rho~glltyo14 sliorlld kt~owh@re yulr hcnr it-fiorn rllc kids.. .
In the coffeehouse, I ordered two large cups to go, thinking that
caffeine might be the spark I needed to get nlyself back on track. No
more Mr. Booze for the minister, I decided.The last thing I needed
was an additional headache.
FIRE
I \v~lkedhonle, a cup in each h:nd with steam rising froin the lids, like
twin sinokestacks of grief. So this was the end. O f so nl,lny things.Tlw
end of my mat-riage,lvhich until that nloment I hadn't believed ~vould
finally occur. And then thcre w a s iny job: ;ilthough I had one more
seiiicster left, I 1 1 ~ to
~ 1 u k e stock of \\,hat I n ~ i g h do
t once tlic month
o f l i ~ n e;u-rived. but ; ~ tlie
t iiionic~itI could~i'ttlii~lkof a tlli11g.
Alrd yet.. .
And yet.. .
O L sky,
I ~ \\:liic11 d u r i ~ i gthe S L I I I I I I I C ~is- lx-0~11with dust and the Iieat
of trapped cshn~ist.\vas d i q l y hluc, scoured by the cold wind gustiilg
fiolii the occaii olle Iiulidred n ~ i l e \a1z.a): I t niay have beell the first
time i l l ii~onthsthat I Iind looked at tliirt brilliant blue dolne, seen it
h r what i t \vas, ;uid ;1ppreciated it ;IS the tllrcs11olJ of the divine.
I was such a l l ~ s s .
So Molly I i ~ dfound a Iiew life, a lie\?. love. A new w ~ of
y looking
a t the niystcries of our 1ik.The tone of her letter was happy and optimistic, xid if thcre were ; ~ n ydarker ~ i ~ o ~ n ethey
n t s only calile \vhen
she worried about ho\v I woiild t&e the news.
I \\,as such a n ass.
I \vould Iinve to cl~iitrunni~igin place, hoping that the axe would
not fall. It had dready fdlen,and I would hme to m:rke solue decisions,
take solne steps. '1'lrc.fir.sr r i L ~ yelf tlw re51 cf~ll)). . .etc., etc. What was the
worst that could Ilnppen?
I walked upstnirs with illy coffees, ;lnd that's when I saw her. In a
lieap 011 the Iandi~igin frolit of 111ydoor, with llcrjrans and the inside
and backs of her less str-caked red.
"(:beryl?" I said. I set my coffees down o n the floor and shook her
by the shoulder. "(:JII
y o ~ hcar
i
me?"
She blinked 11~1eyes and groa~red.
"Coine on," I said, "1'11 nnke you soine tea. O r coffee. I bought
extra. 1 tl~ouglrtI ~iecdedtwo, but I guess I was buyiilg it for you 2nd
just didli't kirom- it."
"You wcren't it1 clash," she said ftnally. "I looked for you."
"1'111 playing hooky today." I said."Call i t an early vacation."
"You teachers. My mother thinks you're all lazy as sin."
David Borofka
"It's a wonderf~dlife," I said,"if you can get it."Ar~dI was relilir~ded
all over again that it \vouldn't be mine niucll longer.
" O h , god." she said, sitting up. "I feel awful." She looked dolvn at
herself, and her face a i d throat began tht'ir fan~iliarflush."And totally
stupid."
"I Ii;~vesoule sweat pants you can borrow," I said. "Tl~ty'rctoo big,
of course, but you're w e l c o ~ u eto the111.I thought I w a s going to st~irt
working out, but you kriow how it Soes.Thc.y'\~encvei- left the draww.
So inuch for good intentions."
"011, god." She grinlaced and rolled into a hall or1 t l ~ eHool-.And
then she began to laugh and hiccougli a i ~ dcry. O n e rigllt after tht,
otlier."Can you believe it?"she said.","vly nlother believes the stig~mta
is the nlark of Satan. What would she thiilk of int.?"
This is not the story I had i n t r ~ i d e dto write. I thought 1 would tell
you about how I left the nli~listry-parish as \wll as cducatioiial-almut
how I tried tiiy hand at several things in the ,~ftrrniath.l\eal estate for
,I time, ~ m t i lit became clear that I was completely unsuited f i ~ rthe
house seenietl p ~ r f e to
~t
work, even if i t was a boom market-every
nle, and I couldn't help feeling hurt w h e n buyers didn't w e the same
potential as I did. I made niore Iiloney than I \vas ubcd to. but it seemed
like a bitter way to live.And then landscaping, but I coulclli't sta~ldto
cut things as short as nlost customers wanted. Grass nlust bt. sculpted
into putting greens, buches muht be tidy, and h e d p must bt, boxed.
What's the point of Nature in your front yard if you're only going to
chop it down, trim it into unnatural shapec, clip it co it's ne'ir death!
That seems like an unnecessary need for control, if you ask Ine. 1 sold
lily equipment the day that Dr. Albright c,llled Iiie. It \vas the end of
that nrxt academic year. Finances at the college had been restored--an
a l u ~ nhad died. arid he had been inost generous i l l his will: \vho says die
[icr~sc.u tmc-himl zilding is dead?-and 1lr.Albriglit w,ls gc~ierallyIlailed
as the school'^ savtor since her pourers uf persuasion were respo~~ciblt'
fbr such beneficence. She was calling, she said, to ofi-er 111e;I Job.
"It's nothing great," she said, "but I need a coordin;itor for Student
Activities.You'l1 have to put up with ping-poi13 t o u r ~ ~ a n l e n and
ts
movie nights. car shows and fashion sbo\\-s a l ~ dsoftware exhibits. N o t
to mention tile annual Mission Boards Fair."
"When d o I start?" I said, for the past year had been like a year of
waiting in the desert."Normally I don't take charity, but this time I'll
~nilken i l exception."
There was J nlomrnt of silence het\r.cc~ius, befol-r slie s;~id:"Idoil't
k n o w what you did h r the K e ~ d e l girl.
l but her illother has been i;~llirig all year, denl;lndilig you be rrhired.This '~fter\vCl~~ting
you fired.
What are the odds?"
"Go figure," I said. "I don't h a w a clue."
"Well, whatever it is, can I tell her you'rr back ill the fold?''
"Be lily gliest."
Thc inorlling that I found Cheryl in a 11t-ap 011 my floor, I tried
to help her to her feet, but the niolnent I let go, she slunipcd h c k
down.
"Whoa," she said.O.4 little too soon."
"Maybe you should sit here."
"Yes, inaybe 1 should sit here."
"And n ~ a y b eI s h o ~ ~call
l d a doctor."
"1)on't be ridiculous." She shook her head."Look. 1 think if 1 could
just lie down for a wllile. I'll be fi~lc."
"I don't kilow about that," I said, but 1 put h c r arln across my
shoulders and picked her up; Cheryl wacn't Yery heaby. but I wasn't
too steady either, I havc t o adinit, and I ne,~rIydropped her whell I
opened the door.
"You can lie down tor a little ~vhile,"I said."but ;~fteryou wake up,
I'm dri\riilg you hoilie."
"Fine," $he numbl led apiust rliy shoulder, and then I spread her across
my unmade bed because I'd left nly place in s o n ~ e t l i no f~a <haillbles
that morning. Newspapers on the floor, dishcs in the sink, sheets a ~ i d
blankets in a jumble. I picked up as best I could while she snored. I
found m): sweat pants and laid then1 next t o her k t . She was a mcss.
Molly was getting ~narried,and my kids were a thousand tni1t.s away.
And I was soon t o be unemployed. But then I havc mentioned all of
that previously, haven't I? I didn't know then that Cheryl wouldn't
David Borofka
kvake up until three hours later-a little grogy, but feeling some better,
only a little light-headed-and
she would change into niy sweat pants
and a sweat shirt while my back was turned. I didn't know then the
reception her mother would give me when I delivered her daughter
back to the parking lot in front of their nmtel room, for she was a t
least senii-crazy if not a full-blown lunatic.
"Oh. my god,"Tina cried. She had been looki~igout their window
when we pulled up. and she came charging out, looking back and forth
from me to her daughter as though we were a mystery that ~iecdedto
be solved. "My baby, where have you been?"
" O h , Mom," Cheryl said, "don't go ballistic.You knew I'd be at
school."
"Uut--"
Cheryl stopped her mother before she could get going again:"l had
the kvorst craliips of my life, and PastorTyler brought me home. Look a t
me," slit3 said,"I'm a wreck."And she held out llerjrans which looked
like evidence in a criminal proceeding. Which wx when 1 tried to
excuse myself, but her lnothcr g a b b e d my arm and wouldn't let nie
go?this wornan my own age, w h o was only trying to keep her world
in some kind of order.
"I've been so awful," her mother said, beginning to weep."I've been
so awful."
I didn't know then that her nlother would brlievc (and no argument
to the contrary would convince her otherwise) that my pink slip was
somehow related to her earlier complaint5 about my class, and t h ~she
t
would see my situation as one particular n~issionin her lift.. Getting
me rehired might not get her to heaven, but in her mind at least, it
would keep the divine scales ofjustice evenly balanced.
I didn't know all of that then, but this is what I did know while 1
washed my cereal bowl and watched the blanket covering Cheryl risr
and fall: 1 knew that I'd give Cheryl her C' and exchange acadt-niic
integrity for compassion. 1 mean, what does it really matter in the
Ions run, one p p e r more or less?We all wanted to be through. Done
and done.
Through the dormer window above the sink, I could see the sun
beginning its early llecember descent, a smooth flat disk, a lens into
the future. Throughout the morning while the wind whipped dry
leaves along the sidewalks and gutters, it had shined weakly in the
pure blue ~ k ywithout offering much in the way of heat. But, soon
ei~ough,sumnlrr would coine, and with it the one-hundred-degi-ec
ten~prraturesour coii~n~unity
is known for. We would dash from ,~irconditioned home to air-conditioned car to air-conditioned office,
and still we would sweat. We would bank our blinds against its rays.
We would think of reasons to stay indoors. We would curse the fire
of its zealous and jealous life.
,
-
-1J" LC, ]r(: :;q, ,I) y!
7
mmer Train Stories
Summer 2006