The HMS Cossack Association

H.M.S. COSSACK
ASSOCIATION
1938
1959
THE COSSACK CHRONICLE
(NEWSLETTER 1/2014 - March)
CONTENTS
Pages
1
Association Officers
2
The Chairman’s Chatter
3-4
Membership Matters
5-8
Obituaries
9
The Reunion
10 - 11 News from our younger
Cossacks (TS Cossack’s
cadets)
Pages
12 - 13 An L03 Model (continued)
14 - 21 The Sherbrooke family visit to
Narvik June 2013
21 - 22 A flag hoist at the Spithead
Review
23 - 25 &
27
On the lighter side
26 - 27 Members E-mail addresses.
Visit our web site at http://www.hmscossack.org
OFFICERS OF THE ASSOCIATION
President
Admiral Sir James Eberle, GCB, DSC
Vice President
Mr. A. Edinborough
Chairman
Shipmate K. Satterthwaite
Vice-Chairman
Shipmate J.F. Price
Secretary/Treasurer
Shipmate E.P. Harrison,
(Accounts, Newsletter)
& Website)
Membership Secretary Shipmate D. Parkinson
& PR Officer
.
Slops Organiser
Mrs J. Taylor
Archivist
Lt.Cdr. K. Batchelor (SCC) RNR
Bosun
Shipmate P. Gaffney
Standard Bearer
Shipmate P.E. Taylor
Committee Member
Shipmate P. Hampstead
1
Chairman’s Chatter
(by Ken Satterthwaite)
Well we are into 2014 and what a wet one so far, I hope none of you
have suffered from this relentless rain other than the inconvenience of
it all. Our front and back garden are like a quagmire what with the
builders and rain, though it could be worse with snow up to our arm
pits.
The 2014 reunion, as I write, is now only six weeks away, so I trust
you have all booked for another grand weekend. The weather is
usually fine for our reunion so hopefully it will have stopped raining
by then.
I have submitted a proposed amendment to our constitution to the
Secretary to be voted on at the forthcoming AGM to accommodate
the fact that an associate member, Debbie Taylor, has volunteered to
take on the duty of Hon Secretary.
Unfortunately there is not much news at the moment other that our
abode improvements are moving along, so this will only be a very
short chatter.
I look forward to seeing you all in early April at the reunion so until
then 'keep her steady'
The Navy’s Here’.
Ken Satterthwaite
2
MEMBERSHIP MATTERS
Report by the Membership Secretary
It’s that time of year again, the beginning of March, when we take
stock as members start to pay their subs for the next year and we look
at our current strength. It is very refreshing to find that 68 of our
132 paying members have already divied up for 2014-15. Many
thanks.
Current membership stands at 148, made up as follows:
Full member
Associate members
Life members
Hon. Members
87
45
11
5
Since 1st May 2013 we have lost a total of 15 members. Of these.
10 were full members, 5 of whom passed over the bar and 5 whose
membership lapsed through non-payment of subs. Of the 5
Associate members, 3 lapsed through non-payment and 2 resigned
because of their care home costs. To be fair, it should be
remembered that we enrol the widows of full members who have
died for one year’s free membership and it is understandable that
some do not take it up for subsequent years.
If there’s anyone counting on their fingers who finds a slight
mismatch from other statements made earlier, please bear in mind
that we sometimes do not get prompt notifications about members
passing of leaving for other reasons, so they get logged in the year
when we get to hear.
Just looking at the Full membership numbers, ie those who actually
served in Cossack, these are very close to the 90 of us on the first
flight to join Comus in Mombasa in January 1957. (We did not get to
Cossack - all shiny from Singapore dockyard - until June 1957). So,
for you mathematicians, we currently have half a crew, or
thereabouts, so it’s getting towards “Watch On”, “Stop On”.
Doug Parkinson
3
It is always a very sad time when we get informed of the passing of
our Shipmates and February this year has been one of those sad
times. We lost three Shipmates from the end of January, although
only one was a member.
Shipmate Ernie Watts was the first and most poignant since we knew
him quite well from all the reunions he and his dear wife Angie had
attended over the years. His obituary is given below.
Some time ago Linda Callaghan, the grand-daughter of one Donald
Holmes who had survived the sinking of L03. emailed Keith
Batchelor to say that our web-site was incorrectly showing that he
had died, whereas he was still very much alive. We of course
amended the site but still Donald never joined the Association.
However, on the 13th February, Linda again emailed Keith, this time
to tell him that her grandfather had passed away two days earlier.
Keith suggested to her that they might like to have our White Ensign
for the funeral, which was gratefully accepted, and he also asked me
to see if we could get someone to represent us at the funeral. The
funeral was to be held near Irvine, Ayrshire almost on the coast of the
Firth of Clyde, quite a long way from any of our members.
However, Rosalind Hill (whose father was Commander (E) Halliwell
of L03) and her husband Sandy said that they would, subject to the
snow, etc, attend. An obituary created from notes compiled by
Sandy, and some information we already had, is given below.
The third sad event was an email on the 20th from Julie Trotter to
say that her father, Leonard (Razor) Blades, who had been a member
up until 2008 had died. She mentioned that he had last attended a
reunion at Scarborough in 2008. Our records showed that he had
been a member of the 8th Destroyer Association, that we had
contacted him with a view to joining us but had had no response.
However, he was a Shipmate and the least we can do is recognise his
passing. The funeral was too close for us to try to arrange a presence
on our behalf. Julie was sent our condolences and her e-mail was
passed on to the Secretary of the 8th. An obituary for S/M Blades is
also given below.
4
OBITUARIES
S/M E.J.B. WATTS. (1930-2014)
Shipmate Eric (Ernie) Watts sadly passed "Over the Bar" on
January 30th 2014 after a long fight with Emphysema and other problems. Eric joined the R.N. at HMS Royal Arthur, Corsham in 1948,
then did his Sea Training in HMS "Victorious" at Portland. He then
joined another carrier, HMS Campania, which was then sailing around
various Ports in the U.K. promoting the Festival of Britain. He also
served on HMS Bleasdale (Nore Flotilla).
He and I met up in R.N.B. Chatham as we were both being
drafted to the Far East aboard HMS "Unicorn". This was in the Autumn of 1949 and on arrival at Hong Kong we were billeted in the
Seamen’s mission, there being no room at HMS Tamar, our base! We
were then allocated to different M.Ls and M.F.V.s. He served in
M.F.V. 197 and then, after a while, M.L1329.
In 1950 when the Korean War commenced I was drafted to
HMS Cossack and Ernie followed a few months later. He was a Gunnery Rating AA3 in 3 Mess and manned the Starboard 40mm Bofors
gun. Our Captain, Captain V.C. Begg, had his own Bren Gun mounted
on the Bridge. He delighted in using it to blow up Communist floating
mines off the Korean Coast. Ernie was often called upon to explode
the mines with a single shot from his Bofors that Captain Begg could
not manage!
Cossack was a happy ship, and some of the Shipmate Seamen
who come to mind were L/S Alan Quartermaine, 'Soapy" Watson, L/S
Watkins, "Queenie" King, Frank Weedon, Les Taylor, L/S Stevens,
Stan Edgell, Gisby, Westrop (Postie), John Bishop (Tel), George Bye
On returning to the UK Ernie (yet again !)served aboard HMS "
Campania for the first British Atomic Bomb Tests at the Monte Bello
Islands in the Pacific. His last ship was HMS Tyrian. He departed
from the R.N.in 1955. He married Sheila who sadly passed away in
1984 after a long illness. After one or two different jobs he became
the Transport Manager of an Aggregate Company in Canterbury.
Our Sympathies and Condolences go to the family and
particularly, Ernie’s wife Angela, daughter Jane, and stepchildren Lindsay, Andrew and Stephen.
Peter Lee
5
May I and his shipmates offer our condolences to Angie and
family for their loss of Ernie Watts.
It's Good to have Memories.
I first met Ernie on Cossack, with Peter Lee (his life long
Friend), at the end of 1950. We saw service
together in the Korean war and when Cossack paid off
in1951, we were messmates on the troopship
returning to the U,K. We got back just in time to
spend Christmas at home. After a long leave we met up again
in Chatham barracks, where we were drafted to HMS Campania and went out to Australia for the first English atomic
bomb test.
Ernie And I were messmates for the next 2 years, in which
time we had some good runs ashore like Liverpool, Cape
Town, Mauritius isles, Fremantle, Perth, the Monte Bello
Isles, Aden, Gibraltar, Sheerness and London. There we met
up with Peter Lee and our girl friends and went to see some
shows but mostly to the jazz club in Oxford St.
On Campania we were Chiefs’ and PO's messmen for sometime. While swinging round the buoy at Sheerness I was the
SRE operator. This is where Ernie and I could play our beloved jazz records to our heart content. In1954 I got
drafted to HMS Cockatrice. Ernie and Peter were guests at
my wedding, Sheila & I were also guests at Ernie’s first wedding.
After demob we kept in touch mostly by Christmas cards.
Sorry I could not be there to see you off, but calm sailing Ernie.
S/M Frank Weedon
6
___________________________________
For a number of years he had suffered from COPD, a disease of the
lungs which makes it difficult to breathe. However, in January he
had been diagnosed with mesothelioma, a growth on the lung wall.
His COPD didn’t allow for surgery or for chemotherapy and a high
radiotherapy blast was proposed and accepted by Ernie and Angie as
a way forward. Unfortunately his body couldn’t stand that either
and he passed away soon after.
The funeral service was held at the Charing Crematorium, near Ashford in Kent on 24th February and was attended by both members
from our Association and of the Hong Kong Flotilla Association
who together formed a guard of honour as the coffin was carried
into the chapel. The chapel was filled to capacity with family and
friends, about 130 in all, showing how well regarded Ernie was. I
say Ernie because that is how we in the Cossack Association knew
him but to others he was Eric and to others he was John, both his
proper names. By whatever name he was known our farewells
were said at a beautifully designed service which had been put together by him and Angie.
We were all invited to the Kennington, a carvery, after the service,
again something he had planned.
It was a privilege to join with Ernie’s family and friends to celebrate
his life.
Peter Harrison
7
S/M Donald Holmes
Donald was born 25 May 1923 in St Pancras, London. His father had
been gassed in WW1 and died before Donald was born. His mother had been
unable to cope and, given up for adoption, he became a Barnardo Boy. At
the age of 8 he went to the Naval School, presumably Holbrook, and at the age
of 12 became a Boy at Ganges. Three years later, he joined the RN on 21
Nov 1938 and was onboard Cossack at 28 Sep 1939 when she commissioned,
remaining with her until she was sunk in October 1941.
Earlier in 1941 he had been on a working party on HMS Hood, returning on the last boat before she sailed to her fate. He was the third man to
board the Altmark but broke his ankle and was carried back aboard Cossack
where he continued to man his AA gun to give covering fire.
Surviving the sinking he was one of those who went back aboard the
remains of Cossack still afloat to try to save her. Unable to do so the party
was withdrawn and he was landed at Gibraltar and then discharged to HMS
Victory. He then transferred to the Electrical branch and subsequently retired
from the RN as an EM1 on 13 Oct 1953. He carried on working as an electrician in Glasgow where he lived with his wife Jean and two sons, Donald and
George, before retiring to Troon.
It was a remarkable co-incidence that it should have been Rosalind
Hall who attended the funeral. Her father, Commander (E) Halliwell, was the
leader of the party which went back aboard Cossack to try to save her from
sinking.
S/M Leonard Blades
Len Blades, appropriately known as Razor, served in HMS Cossack as an
Able Seaman (TD3) from 1949 until 1951 before being transferred to HMS
Belfast. According to his daughter Julie he had loved his time in the Navy.
He had joined the 8th Destroyer Association but after attending a reunion at
Scarborough with his grandson Michael in 2008, he became unable to look after himself and allowed his membership to lapse.
Len passed over the bar on 18th February and the funeral was held in
Lanchester, Co. Durham on the 27th. He was survived by his four children,
Fred, Lynn, Karen and Julie, 6 grandchildren and a great-grandchild, to whom
May our departed shipmate find a safe
harbour for ever more
8
THE REUNION
REUNION 2014 - 4th, 5th & 6th April 2013
The number booked for the reunion had reached 67 by the 10th of
this month, still somewhat short of numbers for previous years.
There’s still time but if you haven’t booked yet and intend to do so,
please make it soon.
The same goes for the Cash Prize Raffle. We’ve had a good
response and have easily covered our costs. Remember however
that tickets are only available by post from the Secretary and will not
be on sale at the reunion. So, if you want some, make it quick.
As always, one of the highlights of the reunion is the donated items
raffle for which tickets will only be available at the reunion. Items
being donated may be handed in at Reception and will be gratefully
received.
There will be a Committee meeting held at 10.15 on Saturday 5th
April, before the AGM which will commence at 11.00. The
Chairman asks that existing Committee members and the prospective
new Secretary and the new Newsletter Editor make themselves
available.
Last, but not least, one of the last wishes of our late shipmate, Ernie
Watts, was that £100 be given to us for the reunion. A cheque has
been received from Angie and no doubt we’ll raise our glasses to the
heavens to toast him up there.
See you there, I hope.
_______________________________________________________
NEWS OF THE YOUNGER COSSACKS
By “younger Cossacks” I of course mean the Cadets of TS Cossack.
This report has been passed to us by their 1st Lieutenant.
9
Southwark Sea Cadets go to France
Southwark Sea Cadets went to France on the first weekend of March
2014, visiting the key ports of Dunkirk and Calais, which are of
significant maritime importance. This trip formed part of the ‘Spirit
of Dunkirk’ Project, which supplemented the military and maritime
history that the cadets learn as part of their sea cadet training.
Accompanied by adult volunteers, the group of young people
journeyed across the English Channel via the Eurotunnel. In Dunkirk,
the cadets visited the Commonwealth War Graves Commission
Memorial located in the Town Cemetery, which was a very humbling
experience. The trip also included visits to local maritime attractions
of the Port Museum and the Belfry, as well as the Malo Les Bains
Beach (above), where over 300,000 Allied troops were evacuated
during the Operational Dynamo retreat in 1940. In Calais, the cadets
visited Parc St Pierre, where the local War Museum is located, and
went up the Calais lighthouse, which is an important maritime aid to
navigation.
10
This was an enjoyable educational experience for the group of young
people, and Southwark Sea Cadets would like to thank Team London
Bridge for their generous support in making this visit possible.
Atop the Calais lighthouse
11
An L03 Model
In the last newsletter we reported that Michael Smith, Anne Smith’s
son was arranging to collect the model in the new year. On 26th
January Michael sent his mother an email
Picked up the Cossack today - see picture. It's a kit, so there
are instructions included which is good - it's about the length of
a canoe, so strapped it to the roof for the drive home
(thankfully the downpours had stopped by then). Stopped for
lunch in Sandbach on the way back, so that was nice. Fed up
with the rain though...
Anne was a bit disconcerted. Where would it go? A bit too big to
go on the window-ledge and sent him back, “Gosh it is big. Poor you
or rather poor us.
All was not what it seemed though. See the next page for the answer
12
From Michael - Actually, that was me messing about - this is the
actual size...
I hope Michael will keep us informed of progress, on the smaller one
of course.
_______________________________________________________
Sherbrooke family visit to Narvik June 2013
In early June 2013, eight descendants of Cdr R StV Sherbrooke,
officer commanding HMS Cossack at the second battle of Narvik,
made their way to Narvik to see for themselves where the action
happened and to help make the stories they had heard since childhood
come to life.
13
Cdr Sherbrooke
Skjelsfjord
The advance party consisted of Rupert (grandson) and Charlotte
Digby together with Trelawny and Olivia (granddaughter) Williams.
They flew to Harstadt airport and after an early start arrived at 15:00
on time. The weather was fine and they hired a car and drove to
Ramberg in the Lofoten islands arriving at 10:30pm. As it was June
above the Arctic circle, it was broad daylight and they easily found
the guesthouse and settled into a beach chalet for the night. The view
across the bay was magnificent as the sun dipped toward the horizon
at midnight and made its way back up like an ensign dipped in salute.
The midnight sun at Ramberg
14
Next day they drove further down the peninsula of islands arriving at
a picturesque fishing village and tourist destination. The Lofoten
landscape was magnificent with massive cliffs and fjords on the
islands linked by bridges and tunnels. Returning to Ramberg, they
visited Skjelfjord and found the war memorial and the HMS Cossack
Association’s seat clean and in good order.
Rupert and Charlotte Digby and Trelawny and Olivia Williams sitting
on theHMS Cossack bench, Skjelsfjord
The third day was as cloudless as the first two and they drove to
Nusfjord and chartered a fishing boat with a 100hp outboard engine
and headed out into OfotFjord. Running west along the coast they
soon came to the mouth of Skjelsfjord and saw for themselves what a
good anchorage it made for HMS Cossack on 1940 where she was
repaired
after the
battle of
Narvik.
15
Despite it being June there was still a little snow in the better shaded
ravines and they looked to match up a photograph of Cossack with
the background of the fjord to confirm her position at anchor with
little success as there were no obvious landmarks visible. With the
fishing boat tied up alongside the pontoon behind the mole on which
the war memorial stands, they paid their respects and gathered for
photographs.
Rupert Digby
skippering the
fishing boat at
Skjelsfjord
Through the Nusfjord boat charter proprietor, they gained an
introduction to Ranveig Myklebust a teacher at Ramberg school and a
colleague. They met in the evening over a drink and discovered that
she has done a project on the Skjelsfjord wartime history, and
published it on facebook at this link: https://www.facebook.com/
pages/Historiske-Skjelfjord-Norges-Scapa-Flow/203668113011898?
fref=ts
With Ranveig Myklebust
at Ramberg
16
Narvik
Next day they drove to Narvik and stayed at the Best Western hotel
which was set back from and above the town, giving a panoramic
view of the docks, Vestfjord and the scene of the action in April 1940.
There they were joined by the rest of the family party from Harstadt
airport in another rental car. This party consisted of the Lady Digby
DBE (daughter of Cdr Sherbrooke), Andrea O’Donnell (grand
daughter), James O’Donnell (great grandson) and Edward Digby
(great grandson).
On day 5 the weather broke and they drove through the rain stopping
at Ankenes point where Cossack ran aground in the battle of Narvik
and noticing the almost submerged wreck of a ship. Driving on, they
came to Ballangen where they laid flowers at the grave of Capt
Bernard Warburton-Lee VC who died of his wounds at the first battle
of Narvik a few days before the second battle. Lady Digby
remembered her father talking warmly of Warburton-Lee who had
been a friend since naval college.
Rupert Digby at the grave of Captain Bernard Warburton-Lee
Returning to Narvik, they visited the Red Cross War museum and
found a model of HMS Cossack on display. Next day they made
contact with the curator of the museum and agreed to meet there the
next evening.
17
They drove to Rombaks fjord nearby where the wreck of a German
destroyer can still be seen aground and jutting out above the waves.
The younger and fitter members of the party climbed aboard and
were joined by a friendly off-duty Norwegian navy petty officer who
was interested in history.
The wreck of the German destroyer George Thiele
Returning to Narvik, the more adventurous members of the party
sampled the delights of the local nightlife, finding a bar with a group
playing a very good rendition of the Pink Floyd’s ‘Wish you were
here’, and marvelling at the incongruity of the bright young things
dolled up for an evening out dancing, walking down the street in
broad daylight at 2am. The local people they met were all working in
Narvik; they could not believe that anyone would go to Narvik on
their holidays…
Next day they walked under the chairlift up the mountainside above
the hotel to a hydroelectric power station that sends up a fountain of
water100ft in the air twice a day like a geyser. Arriving hot and out of
breath and standing in the spray of the fountain was generally agreed
to be an effective if not actually a good cure for a hangover.
That evening they met with the curator, Ulf Eric Torgerson, curator,
at the Narvik War Museum and he showed them an excellent film of
the battles of Narvik in the presentation suite and pointed out that the
wreck that the visitors had seen Ankenes point was in fact the
Bockenheim, a German freighter that was run aground and scuttled
before the battle itself.
18
The Sherbrooke family party handed over a print of a panoramic
view from the bridge of HMS Cossack while she was aground,
showing the Bockenheim aground and listing together with a portrait
of Cdr Sherbrooke. Mr Torgerson was appreciative of this addition to
the Museum’s collection and offered to take a party out to the scene
of the action in his boat the following evening.
UE Torgerson, curator, and the family of Cdr Sherbrooke in front of a model of
HMS Cossack in the Red Cross War Museum, Narvik.
Ankenes point
Most of the party returned to UK as planned the next day, but Lady
Digby, Rupert and Charlotte Digby were returning a day later, so
were delighted to accept. They acquired some red flowers to make a
makeshift wreath and proceeded to the location where Cossack was
aground for 12 hours off Ankenes point. On dropping anchor they
read out the names of the crewmen who died in the action, and
observed a minute’s silence, after which they laid the wreath in the
sea.
Laying a makeshift wreath at Ankenes point where HMS Cossack was aground
19
On the last day, the rear guard of the family party drove up to the
Swedish border and the station at Bjornfjell, passing through more
breathtaking scenery of mountains and lakes. The family learned that
Bjorfjell was a key objective in the subsequent ground campaign as it
controlled the border crossing for the iron ore trains from the mines
in Kiruna Sweden, and the ore was shipped out through Narvik as the
gulf stream keeps it free of ice the year round. Iron ore was of course
critical to the manufacture of tanks and ships and the Ruhr got 90%
of its iron ore from Kiruna. While the allied forces were withdrawn
from Norway after Dunkirk, the lasting effect of the campaign was
that Hitler had to keep 300,000 servicemen and their equipment in
Norway for the rest of the war to counter the threat of invasion from
that direction.
War memorial plaque on Rombaks road
The Norwegian authorities are starting to take their war heritage
seriously and 6 war memorials have been erected around Narvik in
the last few years. The war museum is raising the money to move out
to larger premises as it has more exhibits than it can display. The
family of Cdr Sherbrooke wish them well in this endeavour and trust
that the Cossack section will find a larger space to do it justice.
Thanks
The family would like to express their appreciation to all those who
20
helped in setting up this highly successful visit – to Geirr Haar for a
wealth of local knowledge, Keith Batchelor for advice and copies of
the best of the association’s archives on Cossack and the battle, and
Ulf Eric Torgerson for taking the time and effort to provide a private
tour of the museum and to take the party to Ankenes point in his boat.
Rupert Digby 22/2/14
Editor’s note: As our regular reader’s know, this newsletter doesn’t
do colour! Rupert Digby’s photographs are all in colour and may not
produce well in this issue. If you would like to see this article in full
colour you can do so by accessing the News page on our website,
address given on the front page of the newsletter.
Many thanks to Rupert for this very interesting article.
_______________________________________________________
Now from Shipmate Wes Wesley (D57 1955-56) who, despite having
been a Stoker Mechanic, obviously takes an interest in Signals things.
Whilst at a car boot sale he came across a stall with regimental
badges and trawling through them came across a lapel badge with the
flag hoist INDIA, MIKE. The relevance of that flag hoist will
become apparent later. It brought to his mind an article he had seen
printed in the “Ton Talk” magazine produced by the Ton Class
Minesweeper Association of which he is also a member. He has got
permission for us to copy it. Unfortunately the flags shown will lack
colour but the meaning should be apparent.
Spithead Review:
A glorious summer day; hundreds of yachts are sailing between lines
of anchored warships.
From his quarterdeck an Admiral observes one tiddley craft sailed by
a particularly beautiful young woman and instructs his Flag
Lieutenant to send a suitable complimentary signal.
Flags searches through the International Code book and the flag deck
hoists Delta India November.
21
The signal is acknowledged by the yacht, whose helms-lady is
observed to be shaking, though whether with laughter or indignation
is not clear.
DIN means "I will stay close to you during the night"
Acknowledgement "Make a Signal" by Capt Jack Broome 1955
Editor's note: This story dates from the time when the RN had
enough ships to hold a Review of the Fleet at Spithead. The
International Code of Signals was revised and greatly simplified in
1969. Many of the three-letter groups were abolished, thus reducing
the scope for ribaldry in OOW-OOW signals on a long passage.
Some remain and we will do our best to keep the Buntings on their
toes.
Now you will understand the relevance of
the lapel badge!
22
On the lighter side
There’s something charmingly illogically logical about some of the things that
the Irish say. Here’s a true example:
Just before leaving the RN my wife and I bought a house at Farlington, near
Portsmouth. Our next door neighbours were an Irishman and his wife and
daughter. One day Margaret was out in the back garden, as were Philomena
and her daughter Brona. “Brona not at school today?”, Margaret said over the
fence. “No”, said Philomena. “I’m keeping her home. There’s a lot of ‘flu
going around at the school and I don’t want her to catch it and have to take time
off!”.
The following were sent in by Anne Smith who always seems to find us things
for the lighter side. Thanks Anne.
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
An American tourist asks Paddy:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which Paddy replies:
"They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the
boat."
23
CALL CENTRE CONVERSATIONS
Some more from Anne. Some of these will definitely make you laugh !!
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to
enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, those are our opening hours'.
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to
unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before
cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling
in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the
other side of the car?'
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'..
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------EXCELLENT - - - - - - - BEST SO FAR !
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long
time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true
story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a
recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word
Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (Now I
know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??' Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and
all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?' Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??' Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??' Caller: 'How do I
tell?' Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' Caller: 'What's a
monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor
and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me
if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.' Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you
notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
(Continued on the back page)
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Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.' Caller: 'Okay, here it is.' Operator: 'Follow it for me, and
tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.' Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something
and lean way over??' Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark.' Operator: 'Dark??' Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off,
and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.' Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??' Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in??' Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f##king stupid to own a computer !!!'
That’s it folks!
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE
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