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Volume 4, N mber 5 The New, paper for Science Students Wednesday, Oct .31, 1990
Vampires,
Hallowe'en,
and
Histor y
A Caricature Is Born Where Two Legends Mee t
"
`The very place, where he have bee n
alive, Un-Dead for all these centuries, is
full of strangeness of the geologic an d
chemical world. There are deep cavern s
andfissures that reach none know whither .
There have been volcanoes, some of whos e
openings still send out waters of strang e
properties, and gases that kill or make to
vivify.' "
-Brain Stoker, Dracula
The vampire myth has been with humanity, in at least some form, as far back a s
ancient Greece, where but a single legend
bore reference to beings which feasted o n
blood . Still, the primitive similarities to
the mythos developing in later, mediaeval
Europe, is striking . Werewolves, bats ,
and eternal fog surround the Transylvanian creature ; he shuns garlic, mirrors ,
running water, and all things holy . He can
pass through any portal which has onc e
been opened to him, unless it is sealed by
sacred means.
But whence came this development? Why should Vladislav IV, called
Dracula, of Transylvania be immortalized as such a monster? And why on eart h
are kids encouraged to dress up as vampires and meander about the neighbour hood scouting for chocolate?
Vlad, to start with, was not a very
nice man . Dracula means "son of th e
demon ;" and indeed, his tyrannical fathe r
had gone under the nomer Dracul ; fo r
himself, however, he earned the separat e
title of the Impaler . His rule was viciou s
and dictatorial, his people cowed into
submission as if governed by a hypochondriac with achainsaw. When he died,
the barren lands began their trek into
legend .
Death is a funny thing, and all
religions struggle to explain it, eithe r
through afterlife, reincarnation, denial o f
the soul, or other, more bizarre methods .
The notion of a non-death, a condition
where one's husk of a body lives on after
the death of one's soul, keeping the soul
back from its true desserts, is fundamental to that of vampirism . The opposite of
a transcendental state, where the soul ha s
escaped the confines of the body, thi s
walking damnation ties together all form s
of imprisoned souls .
Let it suffice to say that none kno w
what marks the fundamental differenc e
between a body with active brain and
beating heart, and the same shell an instant later, its heart still, its mind silent ,
and its loss grieved . In the myth of vam pires, the fleeing soul would traverse it s
Divine Comedic path, unless some power
halted it.
The bastard offspring of bastard
parents were doomed to become vampires after death, as were werewolves and
heretics . Vlad fit the third category (and,
some said, the second) : so his spirit wa s
said to roam the lands, leeching the life blood from his countrymen . Like a witch,
he could not cross running water; like a
werewolf, he could change shape at will .
Like a wraith, his nocturnal body coul d
not abide direct sunlight. All these attributes combined with those life-sappin g
abilities peculiar to vampirism, and myth
grew .
(Not all vampires are male, of
course: but females are farther between .
Anyone killed by a vampir e ' s attentions
would become a vampire of the next gen eration ; male vampires thus tended to
engender females and vice versa. Despite
Flood of Photocopies
Endangers Several
The nearly overwhelming barrage of
entries to last issue's 432 contest practically threatened to approach overflow o f
some of the SUS office last week . President Catherine Rankel might have said ,
"Whew!" in response had the influx bee n
significantly greater.
As it was, 18 photocopied entrie s
arrived in the tray, and the winner is on e
Captain Physiology by name, for his epic
78-page flip book., Captain Physiology a t
the Australian Open. Mr. Physiology win s
a Body Parts kit from the UBC Book store, with which to do what he will .
The 432
Second prize, a pair of Scienc e
sweatpants, is to be had by Kathlee n
Moore for her replica of a large cluster o f
paper clips and a Brachs' Toffee, en titled, "Feeding Time." And to Elaine
Wong, for her third-place portrait of a
glove, a calculator, two quarters, some
keys, a cassette, a beer ad, and several
other fascinating-looking but less readily
identifiable items, goes a Science T-Shirt .
This issue's new contest is announced on page 6. Deadline for entries is
the Wednesday, November 7th . Results ,
as always, next issue.
1
a vague hideousness common to all Un Dead, the vampire is extraordinarily
beautiful to her or his victim, the jugula r
kiss an erotic fantasy . Already the soul is
being compromised to the evil forces
whose sport it has become .)
Thus in the East; and eventually ,
this version of vampirism became the
dominant telling of the myth, especially
with the publication of Dracula in 1897 .
In the West, meanwhile, an utterly unrelated tradition was gradually developing :
that of Hallowe'en.
As it had transformed the winter
solstice festival, Saturnalia, into Christmas, and a Celtic celebration of the verna l
moon into Easter, the Roman Catholic
Church fastened upon a mid-May traditional Celtic ritual feast during the seventh century. Continuing its unswerving
effort to convert as many people to the
Light with as little pain as possible, it
declared May 13th to be All Hallows '
Day, a feast to all the saints .
Continued on page 5 . . .
The 432 Guide to Chocolat e
Yes, as magazines galore, newspaper s
aplenty, drugstores by the dozen and
friends in bulk cannot possibly have faile d
to remind you, i t ' s that time of year again .
Hallowe'en. And to help celebrate the
true meaning of Hallowe'en, The 432 i s
thrilled to present to you another meticu lously researched, guaranteedly accurat e
survey . Here, then, are the creme de l a
creme, the nougat du nougat, the ten mos t
fabulous chocolate bars available :
#1 — Toblerone
This Swis s
delicacy comes in Milk, Dark, White, and
Bittersweet Chocolate. Stuffed with some
sort of nut, the triangular segments ar e
not that difficult to break off individuall y
and offer to your friends, impressing the
dickens out of them with your fine, Con tinental tastes . A large Toblerone can last
anywhere from a minute and a half to
over a week, depending on one's mood .
#2 — Mars This thick, gooe y
bar is nearly impossible to extricate fro m
one's hair, but if care is taken to store it fa r
from the shampoo, such is not a problem .
The Mars bar has a different recipe de pending which country one is in : continental European Mars bars contain a touc h
of mint, slightly more in the German than
the French, while American Mars bar s
are the bitterest available. The Canadian
recipe, midway between the German and
the American in sweetness but withou t
the mint, was recently scrapped; however, dialing 1-800-MARS will not reac h
a toll-free bring-back-the-old-flavou r
answering-machine hotline .
#3 — Kit Kat Individual wafer s
make this bar another great friend-keeper .
Unlike Toblerone, though, most elemen tary schoolkids have heard of Kit Kat :
hence affecting a posh accent and dealin g
these out in a crowded room will generally not impress people . Kit Kat commercials are also misleading : those who
munch one of these bars and expect th e
flow of time to develop an abrupt anom aly will be sorely disappointed, and likely
feel they've wasted their 75g . Nevertheless, Kit Kat is a fine candy bar at an onl y
slightly generic price .
#4 — Crispy Crunch Yet another perpetrator of misleading advertising — in fact, most Crispy Crunch eater s
have brown hair— this treat also tends to
frighten small children. After all, whe n
one is losing one's teeth, no incentive
from the tooth fairy is going to make one
risk premature dental fallout just over
biting through one lousy chocolate bar .
With the onset of adolescence, however ,
and the accompanying pride in the abilit y
of one's enamel, people return in flocks
to its crispy sensibilities .
Continued on page 5 . . .
In This Issue . . .
Editorial
2
Halloween Reveries
3
That's Trivial!
4
Dik Miller, P.I
6
New Contest
6
Senate Shorts
6
AMS Briefs
7
Drawers of SUS
7
Practice Midterms 7
Beyond Chicklets
8
Paper Monster
8
October 31, 1990
ewe" -~ fv,r
Editorial : Monday
by David W. New
"And God called the light Day, and the
darkness he called Night. And the
evening and the morning were the first
day."
-Genesis 1 :5
Judeo-Christian religion holds that the
universe was created on a Monday.
Before that fateful evening, it seems al l
of existence was hydrogen monoxide ;
the first Day of Creation saw the adven t
of photons . Eventually, of course, came
the Seventh Day, the Sabbath, and the
notion of keeping it holy, coupled wit h
that of the five-day work week, guaranteed that the creation of the universe
would one day be celebrated by the
millionfold ritual of dragging onesel f
out of bed, splashing coffee, tea, Coke,
or other caffeinated substance on one' s
beleaguered face, and stumblin g
through a facade of wakefulness called
Morning.
Oddly, given the Hebrew lore
of a seven-day week in which the Moo n
doesn't make an entrance until Thursday, Monday is named after that celestial body in almost every European
language: lundi — lune-di ; Montag —
Mond-Tag ; the rest of the days are
named either after Roman god(desse) s
or their Norse equivalents. Friday, for
instance, comes from Frieda, as Venu s
leads to vendredi ; Saturday arises
directly from Saturn . (That's not to say
that the correspondence is exact :
Wednesday is Wodin's, yet jeudi ,
Thursday, is Jove's ; Thor, meanwhile, i s
Mars — who governs mardi, Tuesday . )
An exact correspondence come s
when one applies the days of the week t o
the seven planets. The ancients were big
on sevens : they . saw them everywhere.
The Sun, the Moon, Mars, Mercury ,
Jupiter, Venus, and Saturn formed one
such ancient septet . . . and here comes the
tricky part.
Take the 168 hours which make
up a week, and map them out in a 24 x 7
grid, so the days are separated . Then take
the seven planets, and arrange them in
order of increasing speed across the sky :
the Moon is slowest, then Saturn, Jupiter ,
Mars, the Sun, Venus, and Mercury. Now.
Assign each planet in turn one hour,
repeating the list twenty-four times, so
the Moon governs from midnight to
1 :00am, again from 7 :00am to 8 :00am,
and so on on Monday, and somewhat
different times in the rest of the week .
Hey presto — the midnight-to 1 :00am planet, each and every day, is the
one the day is named after. No matter
which pantheon you name the planet s
after; no matter what else the gods govern.
Note that already, even in preChristian, classical times, Monday began
the week . It seems to be a chronic ailment .
Letters to the Editor
Dear Editor ,
As a math professor, I thought I migh t
respond (react violently?) to Aaron
Drake's article wherein he mentions being
surprised that a professor talked to him .
Tell me something Aaron, have you eve r
walked into a room of 30 or more strang ers, broken into groups of two or three ,
and tried to strike up a conversation ?
Now imagine they're all 15 years younger
than you, so that as 5-year-olds, they'll all
yawn with boredom when you talk about
your favorite topics, say cold beer, hot
cars and lukewarm members of the opposite sex in your case. (I suppose they
might get animated about your studyin g
habits, since all the 2-year-olds I kno w
love running around without clothes on.)
Now you have a rough idea of
how easy it is for a prof to talk to the
students in a classroom . Of course, even
profs who talk to one student per clas s
only get through half the class before
term ends . The point of this paragraph
(for all you budding young English instructors who insist on a point to each
paragraph but wouldn't recognize one o f
it put a twinkle in your mouth) is, if yo u
want to talk to your prof, Tuum Est .
In the next paragraph, Aaron attributes his good fortune to sitting in th e
front row, because "you earn the professor's respect when you sit in the front
row." What nonsense. Where did you
learn to read professors' minds? Have
you been spending too much time dow n
on Fourth Avenue amongst the pal m
readers? And I thought you were a physics student .
I've always had more respect for
the back row brigade having been a part
of it myself. (Yes, I too was once an
undergraduate, at this same august institution no less.) A professor's respect i s
much more readily obtained by asking a n
intelligent question, or even any questio n
not about whats on the exam or how th e
marking scheme works . In fact, any indication at all that you actually want t o
learn something, rather than get goo d
grades as a ticket to a high-paying job ,
may well produce an overwhelming flo w
of respect, gratitude and daily conversation . I know, I know, that would interrupt
your doodling, airplane folding and nap ping . By the way, the fact that light trav els faster and farther than sound (Do the y
still teach that in physics?) guarantee s
that if you can hear your prof from the
back row, she can see you .
So make my day . Drop round my
office and ask me a question about som e
math problem which has come up in a
non-math course . But be prepared to work
together on it, since you'll find me appallingly ignorant of anything but math .
Who knows, we might both have fu n
learning something .
John Klippenstein
Mathematics Dept.
SAVING SP/PEE '
Available now at Science Sales, room CHEM 160!
"The silicon chip inside her head
The five-day-on, two-day-of f
schedule of rote life isn't at fault either
-Bob Geldof — when Friday's been a holiday,
Monday is usually even worse tha n
By the time a student reaches her twentiet h normal. Another answer is needed, an d
birthday, she's lived through over a needed before the tea runs out.
thousand Mondays . Now, most events,
Maybe it's genetic . Perhap s
when you've been through them over a humans have an inbred need to rebel
thousand times, become manageable, against consciousness one day out of
trivial, and commonplace . So why are every seven, and that happens to fall on
Mondays such inescapable ordeals ?
Monday. If it landed on Sunday, w e
Perhaps it's societal . Our upbring- might be a saner race: sure, people woul d
ing is a commercial one, wherein Blue sleep through brunch every chance the y
Collar families with two point seve n got, but at least they'd make it to quantu m
children grunt in disgust at the coming mechanics awake.
work week, while White Collar adult s
(Digression : Way back when ,
with only one point nine kids sip glu m when the Julian calendar was replace d
cappucino and drift zombielike to the car by the Gregorian, ten days were
phone . Everyone, but everyone feels arbitrarily declared to have already
horrid on a Monday, so why don't you ? passed. Landlords galore cheated thei r
That's right, it's a peer pressur e tenants by charging them a full month' s
schtick, and like most peer pressure rent; irate peasants marched in protest
schticks, it's trying to argue you int o marches against the aristocrati c
feeling lousy . ("Here, try this cigarette . doughheads who had stolen ten perYou won't cough, you won't get cancer , fectly good days of their lives . So did
you won't suffer withdrawal . Honest .") the day of the week jump from Saturday
Ideally, you should be able to just snap to Wednesday as well, or just move o n
out of it, and live through your morning s as normal? )
wide awake.
(Yes, I've been wondering for a
The trouble with this explanation while. No, I'm not obsessed with trivia .
is that however hard you try to believe it Well, not totally . Not so I don't have a
at 7 :30 in the morning, standing outsid e social life. I mean, there's other reason s
Tortellini's in the brisk air and wonderin g for that.)
what possessed you to get to campus
But regardless of our wills ,
three hours before your first class, you'll unheeding of our desires, Mondays shal l
still fall asleep again by eight, and you'll remain, and it seems that any attempt to
still stumble through your 10 :30 class in rid one's life of them only succeeds i n
a sorry haze, and your notes for the da y fouling up Thursdays and alternat e
will still look like an advanced exercise i n weekends. Such is life, don't you know.
cuneiform hieroglyphics .
Happy Monday .
Is switched to overload. "
The Academics SUS Aghast a t
Committee
Astonishing
Election Result s
-by Caireen Hanert The Academics Committee is once agai n
here to serve your needs . Our primary
responsibilities are giving out the Teach ing Excellence Award, compiling th e
Black and Blue Review, and dealing wit h
any academic concerns of the Scienc e
Undergraduate population.
Have a complaint about a prof o r
an unfair exam? Come see us and we'l l
try to help you . Meetings are 5 :30p m
every Tuesday in SUS (CHEM 160) . Al l
Science students are welcome to attend .
This year, surveys for the Black
and Blue Review will be distributed dur ing both terms to obtain a better sampling
of classes and profs . If you'd like to fil l
one out, pick one up in CHEM 160 .
The distribution of the Black and
Blue will coincide with the Teaching
Excellence Award nominations . Have a
reasonable and understanding prof?
Nominate him/her for the T .E .A.! Forms
are available in SUS .
The Great 1990 Year and Departmental
Rep By-Election continued to loom . Al l
involved drew involuntary breaths o f
panic at the imminent vote . Posters arose ,
emotions flew hot, pollsters volunteered .
Finally the day arrived . Slowly ,
gradually, like the trickle in the wall o f
the submarine, students marched on th e
booth and demanded to vote.
The hours drew on, and the polling day came to a close. The Election s
Commissioner retreated to her study to
count the ballots, escorted by scrutineers
of every shape and size. But when at las t
the companions emerged from their or deal, the results were still incomplete.
For the Third Year Rep vote was
still in recounts. And will be until just
after this paper comes out . Ah well.
Chemistry
Aileen Ablog
Biology. . .Giovanna Vassone
BIOCHEMISTRY, PHARMACOLOGY & PHYSIOLOGY CLU B
BZZR GARDEN
(Friday, November 2nd, 199 0
4:30-8 :00 PM
SUB 207/209
BZZR $1 .00
CZDER $1 .25
FREE MUNCHIES !
Computer Science
j AC K E T S
Come talk to Anthon i n
Computer Science Room 203 A
if you would like to order a jacket .
TSHIRTS
100% Cotton
$10.00 to members $12 .00 to non-members
Available now — limited quantit y
k,
lk:
00,
Psst . . . Wanna be a Responsible Adult?
Then apply for SUS Academics Coordinator! We offer free
Responsibility Training through our unique step-by-step program.
First, you'll be partially responsible for the Teaching Excellenc e
Award . Then you'll be totally responsible for handing it to th e
winning professor . And finally, you'll be mostly responsible for th e
Black & Blue Review. At the end of the year, why, you'll be a full y
qualified Responsible Adult! So give it a try! You' ll be glad you did .
My fondest
memories o f
Hallowee n
don' t revolv e
;-'~ ►
around can •
dy .Mycandy
was alway s
- poisoned or
stuffed with needles . That's what m y
mother told me :
A
Mother : Aaron, give me that cand y
bar. I've got to check it for razor
blades.
Aaron (looking at candy bar closely):
I don't see any razor blades .
Mother : They 're invisible . Give it here.
Mother : CHOMP!
Aaron : Hey!
Mother : Nope — no razor blades i n
this one either. Better check
another .
My fondest memories revolved around
Tabatha Lucier, the Local Babe. Tabatha was the dream of every fifthgrader in our elementary school. Once,
she came trick-or-treating with me . I
can't even begin to describe the sexual
tension in the air that night. I ended up
giving her all my candy bars . When I
got home, mom was furious that I ate
all the candy bars before she could
check for invisible razor blades an d
grounded me for a week . I didn't care.
I Loved Tabatha.
The funny part was that Tabatha was shaped like a pear . The more
I think about it, there was not that much
about her that was attractive So why
was she the grade five sex symbol? The
best I can figure is that we were all discovering our genitals back then, an d
had no real idea what sexuality was .
There we were, the entire grade five class ,
walking around with quizzical looks ,
staring at our crotches, labels on our
foreheads — Unclear On The Concept .
Grade five is the point where little
boys start to wake up in the morning with
Something Unusual Down There . When
it first happened to me, I thought I ha d
been sleepwalking and had banged it
against the kitchen counter. It didn ' t hurt,
but it was a little swollen . But when it
happened a few more times, I kne w
something was amiss . I was worried —
even though I got this sorta-neato feeling
if I rolled onto my stomach — was thi s
the first symptom of Cooties? (Cooties ,
by the way was the disfiguring diseas e
you got if you were Touched By The
Person Who By General Consensus Wa s
Disliked.) I went to ask my friends:
Me (describing in a scientific fashion) :
It sorta kinda was bigger and
flopped about.
Hugh Freeman ((who beat me up the
year before, but I beat him u p
this year, and he wouldn't admit
it) : You dummy! You got a stiffy !
Boy, are you a dum-dum !
Me : I know you are but what am I?
Hugh : Aaron had a stiffy and didn' t
know what it was! Hey! You're
still a VIRGIN !
Me : Huh? Me? I DONE IT lots !
Hugh : Oh yah, you gunkhead! Who di d
you DO IT to?
Me : Who? I DID IT to . . . Lisa
Grlphlplkrnp .
Hugh : Who? Take your hand away from
your mouth.
Me: Lisa Jenkins. You don't know her.
I DID IT at summer camp .
Hugh : Yah right! You're a liar-poop!
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Me : I know you are but what am I?
Hugh : You're a liar-poop !
Me : I know you are but what am I ?
Hugh : A liar-poop .
Me : I know you are but what am I ?
Hugh : A real cool guy.
Me : I know I am but what are you?
Hugh : (hits Aaron )
I never got the sexy girl, but I
did wind up with the Unsexy girl, Julie
Hogarth,whom I usually scrapped with .
We stood together naked, one afternoon in the bushes by my place and
held hands together . It wasn't that great
and it definitely wasn't worth the agonizing for the next few days over
whether or not I had Got A Girl Pregnant And Ruined Her Life.
I also discovered hickies tha t
afternoon . Hickies are the Instrumen t
Of Satan . What is so damned sex y
about sucking up blood clots? The onl y
purpose they can serve is to mark unsuspecting fifth graders so that they
can be the target of ridicule by their
friends . Julie Hogarth happily showed
her hickies (note the plural — I wa s
having so much fun creating massiv e
welts on her neck that I had to do four
or five. In the end she looked like she
was wearing a peach-pit necklace) to
everyone at school . You want an effec tive method of birth control? How abou t
a fifth grade class laughing at you? Yo u
won't want to hold hands naked for
years after .
Eventually, of course, I got it
right . But the scars from the trials of
grade five are still there. I still get that
funny feeling, whenever I roll over ,
and I can't help but panic for a fleeting
instant, thinking I had been sleep walking. And I never really lost that muddled ,
unsure feeling of vaguery. I just translated it over to my schoolwork .
Happy Halloween . It's so
damned sensual.
It was Mr . Bando, our teacher, that reall y
messed our heads up. He taught us the
compulsory watered-down sex education,
which confused the heck out of us . So w e
knew that we were supposed to be ou t
there procreating and we knew that we
needed something called a condom, bu t
he never really explained what a condo m
was. For the next two years, I had thi s
picture of a small dot a few millimeters in
diameter that we glued to our penis so we
wouldn't Get Girls Pregnant And Destroy Their Lives. Of course, they never
told us what we were supposed to do with
our penises to Get Girls Pregnant An d
Destroy Their Lives . Closest we could
figure (from our discussions in the tree fort in the bushes beside my house where
we would light cigarettes and try not t o
throw up) was that if you got naked and
stood within a critical radius of the girl, i t
would happen.
I never got anywhere with Tabatha, whom we had assigned the virtue
of sexiness by the fact that she was `going
around' with the toughest kid in school ,
Duane Thompson . We were sure that
Duane and Tabatha Did It all the time. I n
my head I had this picture of Tabatha and
Duane standing naked together, facin g
each other, holding hands . To me, that
was Doing It . How I wished I could hold Aaron Drake precisely fits the descriphands with Tabatha while I was naked tion given in several obscure scriptures of the fabled Imminent Antikurt.
and Do It.
The 432
Volume 4, Number 5
October 31, 1990
Editor : David W. New
Writers: Aaron C . Drake
Trent Hammer
Caireen Hanert
Sean Kell y
Orvin Lau
Philip Ledwith
Derek K . Miller
Shiva Mojtabavi
David W . New
Cathy Rankel
Tanya Ros e
Elaine Won g
Cesare Battista
Artists:
Mike Jackson
Patrick Reddin g
Pick-Up : Erik Jensen
That's Trivial !
The Computer Science Students Society
and the Department of Computer Science, UB C
presents
The Official Openin g, of Rick's Apollo La b
.by Tanya Rose Hello again! This week's topic is great
quotes by great people. Try and gues s
who said the following quotes. Good
Luck!
and :.' R BASH .
1-10: Easy — 1 poin t
1.
2.
3.
4.
• Fm stuff is available
(naturally) in limite d
quantity only. First com e
first serve. Afterwards,
the stuff is just CHEAP
(not free).
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11-15 : Medium — 2 points
11.
12.
13.
14.
Printed at College Printers .
Area: 9 .652 x 10 1 m2.
Multiplicity : 3600.
Frequency: 8.267 x 10' Hz .
Average printing speed :
2 .873 x 10- 3 m2ls
No! The 432 is not name d
after three of the last word s
spoken before Voyager I I
lifted off — but you're hal f
right, because "duck" is the
Word of the Day down her e
at the UBC Science Under graduate Society . Celebrate
by chanting with me tha t
All-the-Contents-of-This Paper-Are-©-1990-by-theAuthors,-or-by-SUS-If-NoName's-Given ; Glory Be.
15.
Did you know that throug h
the mindnumbingly simpl e
feat of coming to CHE M
160 some Tuesday at 1 :30,
you too could be a 432
staffer?I thought not .
The SUS News Counci l
consists of Aaron Drake ,
Don Hitchen, Erik Jensen ,
Dave New, Antoni a
Rozario, Jason Russell, and
Elaine Wong . Blame them .
There is no royal road to learning .
I am a jelly doughnut !
How do I work? I grope.
If I have seen farther than Des cartes, it is by standing on the
shoulders of giants .
But it does move.
16-20 : Hard — 3 points
Thursday November 8, 1990
(this time Friday is a Holiday!!! )
16.
17.
Lab Opening Ceremony at 3:30 PM
(Computer Science room 203 )
18.
19.
B–R BLAST from 4 :30PM to 9 :00PM
(Computer Science room 300)
20.
Ubi materia, ibi geometria.
Basic research is what I am doin g
when I don't know what I a m
doing.
Science knows no country .
In questions of science, the authority of thousands is not wort h
the humble reasoning of a singl e
individual .
Research is only ten percent inspiration and ninety percent perspiration .
Bonus Question (5 points) : Watch me .
Sport s
Stuf f
Deadline for submissions :
Wednesday, November 7
Next issue : November 1 4
'The Return of Dan Quayl e
(elusive little devil that he is )
•Our Nifty Regular Feature s
•And much, much more !
God does not throw dice .
I think therefore I am.
Eureka !
Early to bed and early to rise makes
a man healthy, wealthy and wise .
I'll be back .
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Read my lips.
I shall return .
Try to be nice to three women
every day .
Good grief!
BO.QKSTORE
University.;Blvd,~. 22. 8-474 1
BIOCHEMISTRY, PHARMACOLOGY & PHYSIOLOGY CLU B
has old Physiology 301 exams fro m
April 198 7
December 1987
April 198 9
December 1989
December 1986
April 1988
December 1988
April 1990
Term II Registration for Bal l
Hockey, Ice Hockey, and
Volleyball starts in November. If you want to put a tea m
together, or get on a team, go
to your departmental club
office or come to CHEM 16 0
and sign up! (Or register a t
the Intramurals office .
They're in room SUB 66 .)
New for Term I I
with answers !
The first amazing opportunity to buy these will b e
Friday November, 2nd, at the Bzzr Garden advertised two pages ago . Free liquid with each exam !
(Members only.)
—on all events ! —
cto er
Classifieds
Vampire s
Continued from page 1 . . .
GODOT : Where were you? I waited al l
week . I've headed on home to catch up on
A century later, All Hallows' wa s
INFINITELY MANY MONKEYS fo r WANTED: People from all walks of life t o Saturday's Twin Peaks episode . Call me . moved to November 1st, making th e
landmark Psychology/English Literatur e go beer-garden-hopping every Friday.Meet
sunset of October 31st the start of Al l
experiment. Apply to Box Aleph, Kenny in the AMS offices at 2:30 Friday after- MORTIMER : The time grows imminent Hallows' Eve . This night, ran the legend ,
building.
noon, or check room SUB 250 for an agenda . and nigh! See now the Ewoks glow in fuzzy all the evil spirits, the descendants o f
Meetings organiized by Diverse Relations bioluminescence. Remember the avocado
Cain, would roam the land, their last
ATHLETES, STUDENTS, SLOTHS , in Undergraduate Notorious Kinship rations . -Sve n
opportunity before the cleansing saint s
POSTAL WORKERS for Science Intro - (D .R.U .N .K .) .
appeared at dawn.
murals teams . Sign up at SUS or you r
STACEY F . : See "Events." -Don .
c"
Naturally, most people remained
departmental club office -1st term events
;ervice s
get 30% rebate, 2nd term events get 50% .
shut
up
inside, the night of October 31st.
['orSale
GOT A CARD-PLAYING ADDICTION ?
Slowly, the myth developed. B y
OWN A CAMERA? Get cheap thrills and We can help ease the pain of withdrawal . LIONS GATE BRIDGE . Cheap, attrac- the eighteenth century, people would roa m
fawning admirers — be a 432 staff photog- Call 228-3116 and ask for someone from tive, well-lit site, close to woods, convenien t from house to house in odd costumes, and
rapher! Supplications accepted daily i n the Hearts squad.
for commuting. Centre lane extra . Contac t making food offerings to ward off the
CHEM 160.
Box 502, this paper .
ubiquitous and chilling spirits . And over
£;r n i
the next two hundred years, children
SLAVES to reupholster the Pyramids .
LOTS OF NEAT STUFF at Science Sales , became the primary wanderers — s
o
Contact Rameses Jones at Box 501, this TO OUR SPECIAL FRIEND : We con- including sweatshirts, sweatpants, an d
chocolate
turned
into
the
primary
food
gratulate you on . your 27th birthday (omi- sweaters of all description, not to mentio n
paper.
god that's OLD!) and we hope that you're T-shirts, jackets;, and boxer shorts. Call offering. The costumes themselves deFEMALE DIV 1 BALL HOCKE Y around for at least two more perfect cube 228-4235 and ask for Dean, or come b y veloped into replicas of the ghosts, until
GOALIE. Please. Call Rachel at 228 . 4235 . birthdays!! We (love you, Al !
truly a world of evil did roam unhindere d
CHEM 160 and gawk .
on Hallow Even, benignly fulfilling th e
prophesies of the ancient Christians .
Here the legends intersect. The
vampire, a lone spiritual wanderer of th e
night, a shapechanger loath to stray from
t ANATOMY OF THE SW tt
THE PHYSICS OF
the shadows, was a perfect specimen o f
the evil spirits roaming the land that lat e
KINETIC ENERGY (st:ELA6rts5U E
SWORDPLAY
Po i
14712AN.SFERRED FROM TOE
October night ; his distinctive widow' s
ARA Op SHE SWORD WIRER
SINCE THE' £ Efa$NNIN G
TOAVeax IWN EAGe. Tk1 4
peak, pointed canines, and blood-red lip s
OF HISTORY, HUMAN S
a MUtt} euER6Y APPLIED TO SUCH
ru A 5tIAI.c. SURFACE AREA Is
WAVE REUIZ ON WAR made him an ideal candidate for costumsum clown To SeveK RJIER FA2E TO RESOLVE :
ing. And the Hallowe'en vampire outfi t
(ELWtAR t30t1b5 . I'HtS HURTS.
CDMR-MTS. ONE.' OF T1tE
CA4An3, Std tAtr I ,, . .
was born .
OIAEST" Toots WFt sucu
NO T
Influenced by dozens of scree n
AGAIN !
CONFUeT ADYu TP :NTS
interpretations
of S toker's novel and othe r
IS THE' S JoRQ. ITI S
derivatives
of
the legend, the popular
ALSO ONE - OF The MOST
INTeRESTTNO :
conception of vampires has resulted in a
very particular image : clean-shaven, silver-haired, and as tolerant of light as th e
Wicked Witch of the West was to water ,
to name the most blatant contradiction s
of the legend as it existed in the 1800's .
In modern times, another long toothed bloodsucker blends in imperceptibly among the Gothic warriors, the Bart
Simpsons, and the Just Plain Weird getups, and the holiday, the most pagan
finished the bar than one realizes that th e event in the Christian church, has becom e
package contains a second of identica l a series of escapades wherein one at#5 — O Henry The subject o f size, shape, and constituents . To choco- tempts to rake in the most candy from th e
more puns than any other chocolate bar , late bars what Panagopoulos is to pizza , largest area before the fireworks begin .
O Henry also has the best mass-per-cos t Twix has perfected the art of segmenta- "Trick or treat!" — the words ring out
ratio on the market. Whether the author tion to the extent that the user need do no from children, half of whom are hoping to
for whom it ' s named knew or cared about work whatever beyond the simple open - show off their new squirt gun and half o f
its existence is not recorded ; neverthe- ing of the wrap .
whom are hoping you won't call their
less, the reputation of the archetypal Bi g
#9 — Hershey with Almond s bluff. (Starting to sing the Smurfs' them e
Chunk Of Fudge has overshadowed — First, there was Hershey : a bar of choco- song off key worked for me one year .)
indeed, hounded into veritable obscurit y late. Then, there was Hershey with AlFireworks, incidentally, are legal
— much of its lesser competition . A monds : a bar of chocolate with almonds. in Vancouver from October 25th to 31st ,
cylindrical cutaway of this bar look s The precisely descriptive nature of it s but never else in the year. Other displays
positively disgusting, and all readers are name propels this bar well beyond th e must be cleared with the city governmen t
heartily discouraged from the attempt.
ranks of Mirage and Tootsie Roll into th e and supervised by the fire department .
#6— Gotschnasteine Nothing, big time. Ubiquitous, convenient, and Their connection to Hallowe'en, how including the whereabouts or correc t easily munched, Hershey with Almond s ever, is a purely Canadian invention, with
spelling, is known of this chocolate bar . is a sure relief for those lengthy after- no bearing on any mythological history .
That's right : nothing at all . Sorry .
noons when you'd kill for a hunk o f
What is it, though, that so catches
#7 — Peanut Butter Snicker s chocolate with nuts in it .
out interests about the supernatural,
Here, at least, the whereabouts are known;
#10 — York One of very few whether at Hallowe'en or no? Ghosts ,
unfortunately, that location is the States. bars of which Dairy Queen has not yet magicks, poltergeists : studies of their
Sorrowfully unexported, Peanut Butte r made a Blizzard, York is known by it s existence continue to fascinate . And
Snickers have been genetically engineere d distinctive large chunks of solid choco- UFOlogy will continue to commandee r
for the trait of sticking to the roof of one' s late. Prospective buyers must be carefu l its share of the tabloids until there reall y
mouth, and succeed so admirably as to of their chocolate storage temperature : is a First Contact .
defy both belief and speech . Research i s frozen Yorks, being the thick, tombstoneBut until such a time does occur,
continuing as to whether these constitute like slabs that they are, tend to hurt when just have a good Hallowe'en, and be kin d
a cure for cancer of the bone marrow ; impacting one's body at high velocities ; to all those sorcerors, goblins, and Teen prospects, however, seem bleak .
likewise, when melted, these chocolate s age Mutant Ninja Turtles knocking o n
#8 — Twix From the momen t contain no mollifying kibbles of nut or your door.
one bites into a Twix, one is struck by th e caramel to reduce the viscosity . Aside
And remember — those shadows
sensation that al t, here is a chocolate bar from that consideration, though, York i s on your bedroom wall aren't demons o r
with ingredients But the thrill is not to be a good bar .
evil spirits . They're car headlights . I know
destroyed so soon : for no sooner has one
Keep the faith : happy eating .
from experience .
Uiel
n.t.td
Events
L'Incroyable 'Thru
Chocolate : Bacteria Won' t
Touch It ; Why Should You?
Dik Miller, Private Ey e
That's Trivial !
Answers
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
-by Derek K. Miller I had just been rescued, along with hun dreds of other people, from a CFC-producing factory in the Amazon rain fores t
by a group of U .S . military personnel
who had gotten lost on the way to Iraq.
(That was for those of you who didn't
read the first four episodes of this spine chilling drama . By the way, you misse d
the cool part, especially the vegetarian s
being fed rain-forest beef on non-recyclable styrofoam plates . Your loss .) Currently we were on board a transport plane ,
winging its way back to . . . well, back to
somewhere . We'd be able to get home
from wherever it was, I was sure.
A low ranking officer was walking between the rows and rows of rescu ees, asking questions and taking notes o n
a clipboard . He nodded significantly as
he wrote in the way that only people who
have been trained specifically to kill other
people can. He arrived at my seat.
"Name and place of residence ,
please?" he asked as politely as someone
who has been trained specifically to kill
other people can.
"Dik Miller, Private Eye," I said .
"Vancouver, B .C. "
Albert Einstein
Rend Descartes
Archimedes
Benjamin Frankli n
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as The
Terminator)
Clint Eastwood (as Dirty Harry)
George Bush
Douglas MacArthur
Kurt Preinsperg
Charlie Brown
Euclid, to Ptolem y
John F . Kennedy, mutilating th e
German language
Albert Einstein
Isaac Newton
Galileo Galilei, immediately
after his confession.
Johannes Kepler
Werner Von Brau n
Louis Pasteur
Galileo Galilei
Ernest Rutherford
BQ: Pierre Trudeau, upon being
defied that he could not invoke
the War Measures Act.
t
-- -
~ ._. :f
:i
%;
i
°%
-
.~
' •
' +:i,j~
is
He paused in mid-write . "Where' s from there? "
"Beats me. Pay airfare, I guess ."
"Canada . "
"But none of us have any money! "
"That's north, isn't it? "
"Look, buddy," he scowled, a s
"Depends where you're measur- only someone who has been trained speing from . If you're in Detroit, it 's south . cifically to kill people can, "it's not m y
In Alaska, it's east. "
problem, okay? You'll have to find your
He looked puzzled as only a own way back to your stupid huskies and
someone who has been trained specifi- your stupid snow cave. "
cally to kill other people can . "You guys
"Thanks," I said as he stomped off
have igloos there? "
to interview someone else .
"Uh, no," I replied. "We tie the
I trudged over to the window ,
huskies up outside our snow caves ."
watching the vast expanse of what mus t
"Right. You'll probably be quite have been the Atlantic Ocean but looke d
uncomfortable where we're going, then . " more like a piece of tacky-coloured arboHe smiled as only someone who has been rite . Well, at least I would be able to ge t
trained specifically to kill other peopl e a tan . I resolved that when I got home I
can .
wouldn't do any more of this stupid P.I.
"Where's that?"
stuff, chasing after anti-environmenta l
"Saudi Arabia. "
criminals and nearly getting killed . Maybe
My eyes widened . "What?! I I could get a job with UBC Food Servthought we were going to New York or ices .
something. "
"Excuse me," said a soldier be "No, no," he countered. "We have hind me . I turned and gasped.
a mission, and we can't waste any time . "
"Angela Crisco! "
I sighed. "You have the right map s
this time? We're not going to end up in If you don't remember who Angela Cris co is, read on next issue, and all will
Antarctica or something, are we? "
become clear to you. If you do . . . er . . .
"Nope . The captain dug out his
read it anyway . There'll be lots of fun
Oxford High School Atlas. We know
stuff and humourous parodies of the situwhere we're going this time. "
"Yeah," I said, picturing the lump ation in the Middle East . No really.
of spiced ground beef that must have Derek K. Miller's Cap'n Crunch went
occupied the cavity where his brain wa s soggy just as you were reading this . He' 1 1
supposed to be. "How do we get home be after you now, and armed with a spoon .
that?"
..
Senate Shorts
-by Orvin Lau Seeing that this issue of the paper come s
out on Hallowe'en, I thought I'd write on
something scary . Yes, there are thing s
related to Senate which cause all the
symptoms of fear. sleep loss, cold sweat,
panic, excessive heart rates, and the like .
They are known as midterms and exams .
Midterms : Most of you are probably suffering from the burden of these
right now . . . but better now than later.
Why? Just the word "midterm" implies a
test in the middle of the term, not at th e
end when exams are fast approaching .
Some years ago, Senate made a
regulation that states that midterms may
not be held in the last two weeks of
classes — which means that the last da y
for midterms this year is November 16 .
However, there are a number of prof s
who don't know about or ignore thi s
regulation, so may be planning a midter m
for those last two weeks .
Should this be the case in you r
class, you can tell the prof to cancel the
midterm, and s/he is obliged to do so .
Although this means you can then prepare for exams and finish off term proj ects, watch out for the Catch-22: if the
midterm is cancelled, then your final exam
will weigh more . You'll have to decide
for yourself which is worse.
If your prof won't cancel th e
midterm despite your demands, let some one know. (Like me .)
Exams : The preliminary exa m
schedules are up. Check them now to
make sure you don't have a clash ; if you
do, immediately report it to the Registrar's Office .
I recently talked with the Registrar about difficulties in exam scheduling, and he gave me some info to pass on
lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and
oodles andoodlesandoodles and oodles and oodles andoodles andoodles andoodles
and t s a tons and tons and tons and tons a' ' ans a r ' s and t 'd
at
-ty
and
-ty
and
plenty
;nty
d
p
ty
plenty at .lenty :
nd gobs
gobs ant' as
and gob id gob .a g ar • • d gobs ant'
.d
is
^~'1
lot
and
.as and
and loa end loa and ~d~ u .va. and loac
.
.tdr
ies
multip ties an , ulti
.ttltiplicitiesand .ltipl
and myriads and myriads and myriads and myriads and myriads and myriads an d
expanses and expanses and expanses and expanses and expanses and expanses an d
glops and glops and glops and glops and glops and glops and glops and glops an d
kaboodlesandk~' xdIP
'1knil( td' -xx'' ~nI br
sandkaboodle s
and scads and st ds ant ,ca 3 a
w ~ a . .,. ac ant,„_ is and scads and
. . .
.coe
beaucoup
et aeaueoupet u..aucuup ctbezucottp et beaucoup etbeaucoup etueaucoup
and masses and masses and masses and masses and masses and masses and masse s
and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots
4
t
. pit
'
s s
Yes! That's right! Another contest! Just guess the numbe r
of times the letter "a" appears in this issue of the paper —
or would appear if the words "The 432 contests" weren't
in the way! Closest to the actual number wins !
(Ties will be broken by random draw. Keeners may spend all day counting
letters if they really want to . And the answer is not 432, so don't even think
about submitting that. Okay? Okay. )
•••First•prize•••Dinner•for•two•at•Cugini•Ristorante•• •
••Second•prize•••A•Savings•Spree•Book• •
•Third• prize••• A• Science• T-shirt •
••••••••••Booby•prize•••A•Science•baseball•cap••••••••••
The 432
6
to you. Should you find your exam sched ule really bad, you could go to the Regis trar's Office to complain . However, the
best approach is to go see your prof for th e
course in question . If a large majority of
the class wants the exam moved, it migh t
be done — but don't get your hopes up, as
it's not easy scheduling exams withou t
conflicts in the first place.
Despite all rumours, only clashes
have a formal policy. If you have too
many exams in too short a time, or any
other scheduling problem,
only hope
is that most of your class has the same
problem . Exams are never moved just to
suit one person .
Make sure you read the fmal exam
schedule, and make note of any changes.
Missing an exam is known to cause fea r
symptoms unparalleled by those of the
worse horror flicks, and can be fatal to
your academic health.
It seems students don't much like
how UBC's Remembrance Day holida y
is on Friday, while everybody else's is on
Monday . Although the original decisio n
was made by the Committee of the Deans ,
all academic dates ultimately requir e
Senate approval: every year, Senate approves the next academic year's . An d
with all the protest, Remembrance Day
won't happen on a Friday again. (But
something good was done this year : the
start of second term was moved fro m
January 2 to the next Monday, January 7 .)
your
Orvin Lau woke up one April morning
last year to discover his English 100 final
was already over. Having talked his way
back into UBC anyway, he now considers
it his sacred mission in life to preven t
other students (a superstitious, cowardly
lot)from doing the same.
October 31, 1.990
/
Practice Midterm s
-~
*Prizes
.
The Great
Science Sports
T-Shirt Desig n
Contest
Continues !
-by Sean Kelly Some two and a half weeks of midterm s
still remain in the fall term . To help yo u
prepare for your next one, The 432 i s
pleased to be al:>le to supply several sample
exams. For each subject listed below, you
have 50 minutes; no calculators are
allowed . Good luck. Write on one side of
the page only. You may bring in one sheet
of notes, double-sided.
Engineering
Philosoph y
Why is italways a Volkswagen suspende d If eleven people are in a life raft whic h
from the bridge? Does the owner know o r can only save ten people, who should b e
was he double-parked ?
elected to toss the smallest person
overboard ?
English
Bonus Question :
Why isn't this page
DO EITHER
intentionally blank?
1.
Find evidence from Shakespeare' s
work to prove he had a lisp.
Physic s
OR
1.
What is the autoignition tem2.
Show that the marriageofByron's
$5 cash for eac h
Biology
perature and flash point of a Ford
style and Coleridge's poetry would end
If
a
red-eyed
female
Drosophila
with
Pinto?
y
reasonable entr
in divorce .
anorexia nervosa is crossed with a white2 . a) Prove that if the speed of ligh t
(Limit 2/person)
eyed male Gypsy moth with fetal alcohol
decreased by 2%, only three
Mathematics
syndrome andIxisomy 3, what percentage
people would care .
PLUS :
of their progeny will be etherized in first- 1 . a) If you only had 100 square metre s
b) Who are they, and explain wh y
year Biology labs?
of wood and you wanted to build a barn
they have no social life.
(1st) A Science Sports Bonus Question : How many genera- which would hold the most Clearasil ,
what is the point?
Psychology
Jacket and T-shirt
tions will it take to produce a one-eyed,
b) Explain why you couldn't afford
one-homed, flying purple people eater?
Prove by profuse digression that i f
(2nd) Science Boxer
another ten square metres of wood .
Sigmund Freud were alive today, he woul d
c) Wouldn't hiring a professional
Shorts and a T -Shirt
own
a Red Hot Video Store .
History
builder be easier?
(3rd) A T -Shirt
1.
Columbus sailed on the Nina, the
Sean Kelly is majoring in Chemistry ,
Use one of Gauss' theorems to prove
Pinta, andtheSanta Maria. Explai n
which may cast some light on the other your answer.
how the spacetime continuum o f
wise inexplicable bias of this survey . Of
1492 allowed him to be on thre e Bonus Question :
If you have time left course, it might be just another phase
ships at once.
at the end of the exam, build the barn.
he's going through .
2.
What day of the week was it when
Columbus left? When he arrived ?
Bring your designs to
3.
How many Indians saw Columbu s
CHEM 160 !
land? Name them and outline the
psychological history of each.
-by Trent Hammer position .
Due to midterms and assignments, thi s
•All the referenda the other week ,
.
week's AMS Briefs will be very brief about the Health Plan, the SUB Con The meeting of October 17th went ahead , course, and the increase in fees, failed to
and a few important motions went ahead . meet quorum due to pitiful voter turnout .
•The Vancouver School of Theol- We accepted the results and didn't d o
-by Catherine Rankel October 25th : We passed a motion
ogy
voted
a few weeks ago to join th e anything .
OKAY! ! ! Here's the latest update on through Council. to make our own boxes
AMS,
and
is
now represented by one sea t
•Council voted to take the money
SUS business for all you keeners wh o to hold The 432 so you don't have to see
on
Council.
We
welcomed
the
VST
.
budgeted
for food for next meeting and
really want to know . I'm not kiddin g it spread out all over the floor. You'll get
•Back
in
the
Homecoming
Padonate
it
to Unicef. Freeloaders, take
myself into believing that you really want a clean, dry, neatly folded paper instea d
rade,
some
Engineers
overturned
the
Art
s
note!
to read this. I mean, I know that you've of one that's moist, stepped-on, and halfcar and bashed in the windows . The EUS
•Kurt Preinsperg was voted sexibeen just dying to know what your stu- missing.
was
billed
for
80%
of
the
cost
of
cleanup
.
est
man
alive. Really.
dent body has been spending your mone y
-By-election results were apThe
rest
will
be
covered
by
the
AMS
.
and our time doing .
proved — do all. you Chem and Biolog y
•There's another new seat on Trent Hammer buys purple felt markers
students know that you now have departOctober 18th : We voted on a motion
Council, this one non-voting, fora Nativ e whenever there's a sale . He uses them to
mental reps?
regarding policies for club budgets .
-Also, a $500 loan for the BPP Indian rep . Sandy Doxtator is filling the try to convince people he studies History .
Each club gets all of $2 per person in th e club was approved, so they can go ahea d
department it represents .
and start their old exam trade — see th e
•Sports jackets will be available
October 18th notes .
for purchase to anyone with more than 2 0
•A Senate report from Orvin re points, at an undisclosed sum . It'll be at
minded us that any midterms schedule d
cost, oncewe know what cost is .
in the last two weeks of classes befor e
-by Ari Giligsonuseful things the AMS ever did were con•Alan, our External Vice Presiexams are in violation of the University ' s Many years ago -- two, in fact — I use t o cerned with student social interactions ,
dent, has finally gotten commitment fo r
Code and Bylaws. (This is a hint, MIC B sit on AMS Council as Science rep . It not with any sociopolitical comments tha t
two bands to appear at the upcomin g
seemed to me then to be the most impor- we issued, or any anti- or pro-something dance on November 16th, One Big Union 408 students!!! )
•Our Science Week meeting gen- tant organization at the University. There or-other committees that we struck .
and Sarcastic Mannequins. Tickets are
erated two wonderful souls, Chris Sing we were making important decision s
So it has come to be that thes e
on sale at SUS and the SUB Box Office.
and Zubair Ladak, who will be respon- concerning a great amount of money ; days, the AMS takes itself far too seri•Clubs are planning their event s
sible for the Blood Drive. This still leaves striking committees ; following Robert' s ously (in the great Canadian spirit o f
and they're all worth looking out for — room for a Trike Race Coordinator and a Rules and sitting around an impressive taking minor things too seriously), and
like the First Great Annual Micro Gee k Displays Coordinator — see the ad be round table.
what's even more absurd is that som e
Night Out (November 23rd) or the sale o f low.
I would defend AMS points of others, especially some at The Ubyssey,
Biochemistry, Pharmacology, and Physi •And Science Sales needs more views and decisions and read the vile rag have been duped into taking all this even
ology exams through the BPP club .
revenue, so get out and buy some SUS (The Ubyssey) to see how they were slan- more seriously. As far as I know, mos t
•And otherwise, meetings are hap - clothing!
dering us and trying to tear down all the student organizations were founded upon
pening almost every day of the week to
good things we had put together. I went to purely social needs, ie . drinking, dancmake your life exciting and ours pure More updates next issue — that's it fo r all the AMS parties, drank the beer, at e ing, and meeting people .
hell .
now.
the munchies. I wasted much time which
These days I am greatly entermight have otherwise been used for m y tained by the AMS Council. I read Th e
studies and I had a great deal of fun .
Ubyssey for light humour (sometimes an
!t ►, . . . .
The funny thing is that although I importantissue actually surfaces, but most
realize now how much fun I had during frequently in the "Letters" section) . And
CO-ORDINATORS FOR SCIENCE WEE K
my stint at the AMS, I thought then that can anyone really complain about th e
my work was relatively serious . And $40.00 fee? I mean, when you consider
oddly, many other councillors thought o f the price of a movie or a video rental ,
their work as even more serious and earth - you'll realize that it's the best entertainPlease see Sandra Mah or leave a message in CHEM 160 . shattering . The truth was that the most ment value in town.
Deadline is Friday,
November 9, 1990.
An/LS Briefs
CommentAr i
WANTED
•Trike Race
•Displays
The 432
October 31, 1990
Life after Chicklet s
-by Elaine Wong It all began in Kindergarten. I remember
it well. It occurred when Katie told me
that baby chickens were called chicklets .
I hate to think how long I believed her ,
how many times I spread this new-found
knowledge to countless other people .
After all, didn't it make sense to call bab y
chickens chicklets ?
Over the years, I've been more
aware of what people tell me . It seem s
that they like to test intelligence by meas uring your gullibility, saying somethin g
subtly ridiculous and noting the reaction .
I know . I'm guilty of it too.
Sometimes the opportunity pops
up for a good joke and you just can't bea r
to let it go wasted. This summer in Rome ,
for instance, my travelling companion s
and I met up with a number of other
tourists, and we started to travel togethe r
to avoid being ambushed or pickpocketed by gypsies . Anyway, it was after a
very filling seven-course Roman fiesta
that someone asked, "Where does spaghetti grow? "
The man seemed fine. His consciousness didn't seem to have been affected by the wine which seemed to go
with every meal we had in Europe . So I
mumbled, "On trees, of course," and
wonder of wonders, he believed me. Not
only that, but so did everyone else excep t
my own travelling group. Yes, they al l
believed me, and wanted me to show
them a spaghetti tree.
The Paper Monste r
-by Philip LedwithAs I go home each night to the comfort of
my luxury hole (residence courtesy o f
Place Vanier), I am faced with a gnawin g
dread . This irrational fear begins abou t
halfway from the Physics building,growing slowly as I make my way past th e
Math buildings and cross West Mall . As
I come into sight of my house, my palm s
are beginning to sweat, and I can hear m y
own heart beating as I trepidly mount the
stairs . Finally, with shaking hands, I forc e
my key into the lock, take a deep breath ,
and step once more into the world of th e
Paper Monster.
The Paper Monster began its lif e
in a humble fashion, as so many of these
things do . I am sure you are aware of the
situation . It is a warm, lazy September
evening . The birds are singing sweetly i n
the trees, and you have just returned fro m
your last class of the day. You open your
cheap and tatty plastic folder and spill th e
contents onto your desk, seeking enlightenment. Enlightenment, however, like s
to go on holidays during term time, so al l
that you actually see is a collection o f
entrails left by a spider that happened to
come across some of your note paper.
After spending an hour or two attemtin g
to dechipher these strange symbols (okay,
maybe it was nearer ten minutes, but it
was a long ten minutes), you decide ,
"These notes would really make load s
more sense after going to the Pit/Benny' s
Bagels/wherever." So you go out to spen d
the last of the money that you don't
actually have, and in your room the dus t
gathers about your berserk rantings o n
paper. And the next day, the proces s
repeats itself. And the day after that.
(Incidentally, Benny's Bagels i s
still the coolest place this side of th e
galaxy to waste an evening, even no w
that the yuppies have moved in and your
combined outfit costs less than the aver age customer's crocodile-skin shoes .
There are two reasons for this : first, by a
freak of quantum mechanics, it is impossible to go to Benny's after midnight an d
not meet at least three friends unless you
are a complete social dweeb ; and secondly, of course, they serve a totally
scrumdiddly New York cheesecake with
hot berries and cream .)
The 432
And slowly, insiduously, a maleftcentprescence enters into your discarded
lecture notes . They begin to think on their
own, and they get ambitious.
The first time I began to notice
something was amiss was the time I awoke
late for a Physics 120 lecture, and discov ered that my latest assignment had grown
overnight to encompass early homini d
evolution, Northrop Frye, Schrodinge r ' s
equations, and the Kama Sutra. (Don' t
even think about asking which course
that came from.) The second time I began
to experience difficulties with the Paper
Monster was the time it decided to cach e
itself on my bed, depriving ne of sleep
until such time as I could be bothered to
move it.
Of course, a creature as malign a s
the Paper Monster could never be conten t
with one mere room . In this respect, at
least, the Paper Monster has much i n
common with the Garbage Monster i n
that it is not content just to be a nuisance ;
it has to make sure that you know its a
nuisance. And to do this effectively, the
Paper Monster has to expand and devou r
your floor, the bed, the shelves, the clothes
drawers, and in fact anywhere at all that
you really didn't want to see yet another
spring-torque-vector-thingy equation .
And so my nightmare grows, currently at the rate of about seventeen page s
a day. I am unable to dislodge the Pape r
Monster from its lair, and neither am I
able to identify any of the material tha t
makes up its bulk anymore . It's life, Jim ,
but not as we know it. So my point to all
of you still considering an academic career out there is this : Beware! For when
the moon is full the Paper Monster ventures forth from its hiding place to feas t
on whatever delights are most essential t o
your midterm review, and to make your
life a misery.
And now I shall return to that dar k
and lonely place where the world ends ,
and soon I shall be placing an advertisement seeking somewhere else to hid e
from the Paper Monster.
Not wanting to reveal my joke ,
my friends and I arranged to decorate a
couple of fig trees with spaghetti trimmings . While I proudly led my disciple s
to view this "spaghetti tree," I fully expected to be uncovered. Excitement rose
as we neared the specimen . Cameras
flashed, forever recording the spaghett i
tree, surely to be shown to friends and
relatives upon everyone's return home .
Of course, when I think about all
the stories I've fallen for, I feel a blush
rising as I imagine what a fool I must have
seemed. I mean, who would ever believe
that a grape vine would grow out of your
skull if you ingested grape seeds? Me. Or
that Joan of Arc was an Anglican, even
after spending a month on Bernard Sha w
in English Lit? Me . Or even that if I wore
shoeboxes as shoes, my feet would stop
growing, since the desire to outgrow m y
shoes would disappear? Me .
More recently, I tried to look up
"schmoo" in the encyclopaedia .
How strange I must have looked ,
as I walked around in shoeboxes wondering why Joan of Arc was fighting any way. Ah, but those days are over. I'm still
wondering why Prince Rainier isn't called
a King, and why the British drive on the
other side of the road, but now I'm afrai d
to ask.
Elaine Wong thinks hamburgers are a
type of food. I mean, can you believe that?
Would you eat one of those things ?
Dentures left i n
Coke overnigh t
will dissolve .
Brush your teeth
after an all-nighter.
A Public Service Message from the Staff of The 432
PhilipLedwith isa foreign frosh who succumbed early to Bloc Physsoc mindwiping experiments . He recently renounce d
ownership of all paper products .
8
October 31, 1990