barefacts010503 - University of Surrey Students` Union

The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper
issue 1056 www.ussu.co.uk
COLOURS BALL: THE INFO
The latest information on the
sporting event
of the year - the
Colours Ball- and
how you can get a
ticket for the biggest event known
to sports clubs at
UniS | page 24
STAG NIGHT CELEBRATIONS
Ben Supper prepares for his best
man’s speech in
the best possible
way by attending
the groom’s stag
night amidst the
smokey nights
of London
Town’s finer
areas | page 7
IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER
The federal statement of intent
The Students’ Unions of the Federal University of Surrey signify their intent to help
with the colloboration News | page 3
What goes on at NUS conference?
Paul Wright provides a delegates perspective on what really goes on during those
four days in Blackpool News | page 5
War at odds with religion
Responding to Graeme Philips’ article on
Iraq before the war, Abdul Saqib offers his
point of view Opinion | page 8
The fun and games of events
The ents planner for the next week and a
sneak preview of what is on at the Union
over the summer semester | page 22
barearts and its Brixton residency
With four gig reviews and plenty of time
spent at Brixton Academy, barearts wonders
where its home is barearts | page 18
Surrey Slingers record first win
The Ultimate frisbee team of UniS win
their first tournament after just 18 months
on the frisbee circuit Sport | page 24
THURSDAY 1 MAY 2003
88p
Minister fails to respond to USSU
THE MINISTER FOR Lifelong Learning and
Higher Education, Margaret Hodge, was
criticised by students from local sixth form
colleges and sabbatical officers from the
University of Surrey Students’ Union for
failing to respond to their questions in a Q &
A session held at the Students’ Union during
the Easter holidays.
The session was arranged to allow
students to question the minister over the
government’s recent paper concerning
the future of higher education funding
but yielded little in the way of clarity and
served only to rile sixth-formers and student
representatives looking for answers to
common student concerns.
Jennifer Hepp – an upper sixth student
from Kings College Guildford – said:
“She didn’t fully listen to our concerns and
brushed them aside immediately.” Jonathan
Williams, also a student at Kings College,
said: “I came hoping to clarify the current
situation regarding university fees and the
potential financial situation [I might face];
unfortunately, all she did was add to my
confusion and frustration.”
Responding to questions, Mrs Hodge
outlined some of the reasoning behind the
government’s decision to introduce topup fees in the next parliament and also
highlighted the investment that higher
education can be to graduates, who can
expect to earn “£400k more than a nongraduate over their lifetime.”
When
questioned about the recent research
published on bbc.co.uk stating that female
graduates can expect never to pay back
their student loan, Mrs Hodge said it simply
“wasn’t true.” Her response to a similar
situation concerning the earnings of arts
graduates being less than school-leavers
with two A-levels was: “Oh – them.”
BY PHILIP HOWARD AND
RICHARD WATTS
Toni
Borneo,
the
Education & Welfare
Officer at the University
of
Surrey
Students’
Union, asked the minister
how the government’s
widening
participation
aims could possibly
be consistent with the
content of the White
Paper.
Mrs
Hodge
replied: “I think you are
doing more damage to
Widening Participation
than the government
is,” following an earlier
response in which the
minister lambasted the
NUS and sabbatical
Above: Margaret Hodge, the government Minister for Lifelong Learning and
officers for campaigning
Higher Education, talking to students at USSU
Photo: Paul Wright
against fees and thus
“putting potential students off.”
did not understand the true reality of
Ms Borneo said: “ All that prospective the situation for current and prospective
students see is more debt which does nothing students,” a sentiment echoed by Toni
to raise their aspirations. It’s not fair to say Borneo: “Hodge’s PR tour achieved nothing.
that people like me are putting people off She spouted rehearsed statistics and didn’t
University. I can see the point of studying hear the students’ genuine concern. It just
but others need convincing. The campaign wasn’t convincing.”
against top up fees isn’t about putting people • A press release issued by the Students’
off, it’s about getting them a better deal.”
Union caused a bit of a flap amongst
Vicky Wilsher, a student of Bishop University officials once it was discovered
Reindorp school, also failed to agree with it had been released immediately after the
the minister: “Her comment about current minister’s visit. The reason for the concern
students discussing finance with potential was later revealed to be a worry that the
students and putting them off was wrong. critical press release might affect some aid
Older students help us rather than put us that the minister had offered the University
off.”
in recouping some funding UniS is yet to
Chris Bailey – a student of Bishop Reindorp receive. The result of her help is not yet
– said of the minister’s visit: “I felt that she
known.
barefacts believes: page 6
UniS alert to Sars epidemic
THE UNIVERSITY HAS started to take reasonable precautions to ensure that campus
remains free of Sars during what many are
terming an ‘epidemic.’ Staff and student
members have expressed concern over the
vulnerability of UniS to the syndrome and
much information has been produced to try
to increase awareness of symptoms of Sars
in order to stop any infection. Information
concerning symptoms and what to do if you
suspect either yourself or a friend has Sars
is available at www.ussu.co.uk and from the
Students’ Union reception.
Students wishing to book campus accommodation to avoid returning home to a
Sars-risk area must contact the accommodation office by the 2nd May deadline.
www.ussu.co.uk/sars
www.bbc.co.uk
2
NEWS
1 May 2003
Student nurses left to cope alone UniS big band win national final
NHS PATIENTS ARE being put at risk because
student nurses are being left in sole charge
of them, a survey suggests. The claim was
made by the Royal College of Nursing
(RCN) after 1,000 student nurses were
questioned by the market research agency
Mori for a survey published to mark the start
of the RCN’s annual conference.
The survey found more than a third had
been left in charge of patients in the absence
of registered nurses and doctors and more
than a quarter of first year students said they
had been left alone in charge of patients.
Half of the student nurses questioned said
they had considered leaving their course,
with one in 10 doing so on a frequent basis,
the main reasons for which being given as
pressure and stress from work. Financial
problems were also raised by more than
a quarter of students but the vast majority
(89%) said they were still intending to work
in the NHS when they had qualified.
Students also complained it was often hard
to find the placements they needed as part of
their training, with 12% saying they had had
placements cancelled. One in 10
BY RICHARD WATTS
BY MARTYN HUMPHREYS
complained they were given a placement
which did not involve any direct contact
with patients - instead, they might be given
a workbook to complete.
RCN president Sylvia Denton said:
“Students on clinical placements should
never be left alone in charge of patients it’s bad for patients and it’s simply wrong
to expect students to take responsibility in
this way.
“A serious lack of registered nurses to
support and guide students is endangering
patient care and short-changing these
urgently needed new recruits to nursing.
The government’s target of 80,000 more
nurses by 2008 is ambitious. But we need to
find new ways of supporting student nurses
right now.
“Improving student nurses’ experiences of
education has to be our top priority. This
means increasing the number of clinical
placements, ensuring there are enough
registered nurses to mentor students, and
a fairer system of funding for all student
nurses.”
A Department of Health spokeswoman said:
“Students should not be put in circumstances
which compromise their learning or place
patients at risk.
“However, indirect supervision is an
entirely appropriate part of clinical learning
if the supervising registered nurse judges
that the student has achieved a level of
knowledge and competence to carry out care
without risk to the patient.”
UNIS BIG BAND walked away with the gold
award at the BASBWE (British Association
of Symphonic Bands and Wind Ensembles)/
Boosey and Hawkes Concert Band Festival
National Finals in Manchester last Saturday,
beating rivals from other universities,
music centres, and adult regional bands.
The band claimed the top marks possible
in every category, and received a glowing
adjudication from the judges.
This accolade tops off a very successful
year for the band, who have performed
numerous gigs on and off campus. The
band will be performing for the Mayor of
Guildford after Easter, and in Chancellors
on campus on Sunday 25th May.
The Band is currently affiliated to both the
University of Surrey Students’ Union and the
School of Performing Arts, and will become
a full USSU Society from September.
For any more information, and pictures of
the event, please do not hesitate to contact
me by email, or on (07941) 151811.
Recycling project hailed as a success
BY PETER BAILEY
THE TRIAL RECYCLING scheme which took
place in eight kitchens in Twyford court
has now come to an end. In all, 85kg of
recyclables were collected in 8 weeks from
8 kitchens, with a landfill tax saving of £3
and a value of the material collected being
£2. The cost of the collection of materials
was £25.
This may not seem like a large saving, and
from these figures it would appear that such
a scheme would be economically unviable.
However, if the scheme were extended
to the whole campus for a whole year, a
significant saving could be made on landfill
tax, and the burden on the environment
that the university causes could be greatly
reduced. Widening the scheme to more than
just cans and plastic would also make a big
difference.
The overall participation from students
varied. Students in house H and one kitchen
in house G gave a high level of participation,
but those in house J and the rest in house G
showed less or no support.
Many prizes were given to the best kitchens
as incentives to recycle, and numerous
posters, designed to make people think
about recycling, were displayed. This,
however, was not enough to persuade more
than half of the students to recycle.
The frightening increase in the amount of
waste being produced, coupled with fast
diminishing space for landfill, is clearly not
an issue that students, and the general public
for that matter, care enough about.
So what can be done to make recycling
happen? Well, changes will not occur
quickly. However, the more awareness
raising projects there are such as the one
carried out, and the more the word is
spread to people, the greater the demand for
recycling facilities will be. Of the students
who answered a follow up questionnaire
about the project, every one of them said
that they would like to see recycling
facilities throughout campus.
With an increase in demand for the facilities,
recycling can become more economically
viable, and a part of every day life, so that
people in the future will not even have to
think about whether to recycle or not. Think
of how raw sewage used to be pumped
into rivers and the sea, and the horror with
which this practice is now viewed. In future
generations, the same sort of views will be
held about the mindlessness of throwing so
much rubbish into landfill sites! Now is the
time to sew the seeds of change.
You can do your bit by taking bottles to
the bottle banks outside Chancellors, and
your newspapers and cans to the banks
in the park and ride car park, near to the
university entrance next to University Court.
Alternatively, you can take your recyclables
to Tesco.
If you would like a grant to do your own
project to promote recycling, or any other
project beneficial to the environment, then
contact the Young People’s Trust for the
Environment on 01483 452 951.
NOTICES
Thurs 1st May - Women’s Football AGM
- Varsity - 8pm
Thurs 14th May - Equestrian AGM Committee Room - 5pm
The world is flat
Chemical Engineering AGM 6th May 1pm
43BC02
Societies Standing 6th May 6pm LTE
St John Ambulance AGM 6th May 8pm
Teaching Block
Chemistry AGM13th May 1pm Grant
Mitchell Committee Room
Postgraduate Association AGM 14th May
7.45pm Wates Bar
Mountain Walking 21st May 1pm
Teaching Block
NEWS
1 May 2003
3
USSU and Roehampton put forward their federal vision
AT THE END of March, the University
of Surrey Students’ Union (USSU) and
Roehampton Students’ Union (RSU) finally
signed the much anticipated ‘Statement of
Intent’ outlining both organisations’ future
commitment to working in partnership.
Signed by USSU President Paul Wright
and his counterpart Chris O’Boyle at RSU,
the statement highlights areas in which the
two students’ unions can combine forces
to promote the relationship that UniS and
Roehampton have and open opportunities
for students at both sites to interact and
benefit from some of the facilities and
projects available across the Federal
University. The signing was witnessed
by the Vice Chancellor, Prof Dowling
- the Rector (Roehampton), Dr Porter and
the Pro-Chancellor of the University of
Surrey & Chairman of Federal Standing
Committee, Mr Douglas Robertson.
To date, the two organisations have
had some noticeable successes including
the Federal Sports Day and the launch
of FUSE (Federal University of Surrey
Entrepreneurs). The origination of the
statement came following a lengthy period
of research funded by the Federal Innovation
Fund in 2002. Following agreement of the
statement by both universities, a timescale
for how the unions will look to strategically
progress has been provisionally laid out and
is currently being formalised.
In year one (2003) the short term objectives
are to be centred around implementing the
BY ANDY BLAIR
federally motivated course representative
system that can be employed at both
campuses. This will also be supplemented
by the introduction of new materials in
the communications and welfare remits of
the two organisations to hopefully include
at least one joint publication, the creation
of some form of online community,
information about each other in freshers
material and production of joint materials
delivering information on welfare issues
and campaigns. Also, both unions at
their respective campuses will continue
to undertake a movement towards the
exploration of entrepreneurship within the
student community through FUSE.
Year two (2004) has been highlighted to
include the development of relationships
between sports clubs and societies between
the two institutions. Sports at Surrey is
more highly developed, offering a range of
opportunities that are currently beyond the
facilities that RSU can offer. Collaboration
between the two on developing a link will be
coupled with the further interaction in areas
of welfare and volunteering as well as the
continuation of year 1 objectives.
Year three (2005) will consider the longerterm objectives that are underpinned
by years one and two. These are set to
include the issue of transportation between
the two campuses in connection with the
development of any joint academic courses.
Students that undertake jointly taught
courses are deemed to expect the same
level of representation whether they are at
the Surrey or Roehampton site, therefore
welfare and representation systems are to
be aligned in some areas, particularly the
www.funkyberry.com
continuing
development of the programme
rep system. Also in this final year of the
current thinking, the question of delivering
entertainments open to both sets of students
Graduate debt rises again says survey
A SURVEY CARRIED out Barclays bank
released last month shows that graduates left
university last year with average debts of
£10,997, an increase of 17% on the previous
year. The majority of students now at
university entered higher education after the
introduction of tuition fees and the abolition
of the grant. Therefore they have had to take
out larger loans to cover those costs.
The National Union of Students is
dismayed but not surprised that debt levels
have increased.
NUS President, Mandy Telford, said:
“Students are being forced to find more
and more money just to keep their heads
above water whilst at university. With every
increase in graduate debt more and more
potential from the most debt-averse sections
of society are put off going to university.
If this government is serious about trying
to open up university to students from the
poorest backgrounds it needs to take urgent
measures to arrest the incessant increase in
student and graduate debt.
The proposals in the white paper to raise
tuition fees to £3,000 will see the cost
BY RICHARD WATTS
of going to university rocket to £30,000
for a three-year course. A move that is in
direct conflict with the Government’s own
widening participation agenda.”
in
SAFE
MANOEUVRES
welcome to collinwood review :: p.11
Above: the rector of the University of Surrey Roehampton, Dr Bernadette Porter and the Vice-Chancellor of UniS,
Professor Patrick Dowling look on as Paul Wright (r) and Chris O’Boyle (l) sign the Statement of Intent
can be addressed and also the need for a
jointly funded sabbatical officer by the
third year has been raised depending on the
successes of the collaboration to this point.
The three-year strategy will be published
in greater detail later this year, including
additional information about the role that
both Unions have to play in the integration
of postgraduate, mature, part-time and
international students within the developing
federal structure. USSU has taken steps to
address the lack of space available for noncommercial provision within the Students’
Union and a redevelopment programme
took place creating a large open area within
Union House to house developing schemes
and open plan offices/meeting points.
This area now houses the sabbaticals, the
DAVE project, Volunteering, the Welfare
& Representation Unit, sports and socities
and the Student Media Centre – along with
suite of UCS PC’s. Also Included in this
development are hot desk facilities to allow
members of Roehampton Union to visit
Surrey and have an area to work and interact
with projects, students and schemes in the
coming years.
A full copy of the statement of intent
is downloadable from www.ussu.co.uk/
federation.
4
NEWS
1 May 2003
Students are un-safe according to Home Office statistics
EARLIER THIS Month the Home Office issued
statistics and advice on students as victims
of crime. An estimated 60% of crime against
students goes unreported, according to the
figures, with 10% of students being burgled
and 12% victims of theft.
A study covering 7 HEIs in the East
Midlands by the Home Office, covering
both urban and suburban areas. Some 33%
of students were victims of crime during the
past year, with 60% experienced by repeat
victims. According to the report “Students
felt most fearful of having their property
stolen on campus at night. They perceived
the least risk and were least fearful of all
forms of intimate partner violence.”
The Home Office subsequently issued a
press release advising VCs and ‘student
leaders’ to give students more advice on
how to avoid becoming a victim of crime.
Home Office Minister Bob Ainsworth said
“Students can take simple steps to protect
themselves and their property. Crime
prevention work is already being done in
universities, but more needs to be done by
students themselves and by those with an
interest in their well being to ensure we
tackle this problem.
“The Government is working closely with
universities and students organisation s to
tackle crime, for example we have set up
a new student crime reduction website. We
have set up a new working party to help
address this issue and are planning two
conferences to raise awareness and promote
‘Campus Watch’ schemes. Crime is falling,
BY RICHARD WATTS
but students should not be complacent.
They should follow crime prevention advice
to avoid their student days being marred
by crime”. The governments’ website
www.good2besecure.co.uk to which the
minister was alluding has previously been
criticised by some for stereotyping students
by including a ‘kebabathon’ flash game in
which the user plays a drunk student trying
to get home.
• There have been several thefts from
students working in the Library recently.
These have included laptops, purses, wallets
and mobile phones. Everyone using the
Library is reminded to keep their valuables
with them at all times and report any
suspicious behaviour to the Information
Desk on Level 1. Many of the thefts have
occurred when students have left their
possessions to get something from another
part of the Library or have gone to get some
food. Library users are reminded that the
general public has access to the building and that may include opportunistic thieves.
Library staff regularly patrol the building,
there is cctv surveillance, and there are
security detectors at the exit, but there
is still a need for all users to be vigilant.
The Library is looking at ways to improve
security in its new entrance plans, and is
working closely with the Security Office
over these incidents, but in the meantime
everyone should keep an eye on their
valuables.
USSU “one of top unions in the country”
Above: Bob Anderson, the Students’ Union general
manager
Mini trade fayre
THERE WILL BE a mini trade fayre in the main
stage area of the Union on Wednesday 7th
May 2003 taking place througout the day.
Stalls will be held by NTL Residential - of
interest to staff & students off campus - the
mobile phone company Phones 4 u and also
the Flight Centre.
A competition of one sort or another will
be held during the day, as well as various
tour companies present to help you plan our
summer vacation. Information concerning
Isic Cards will also be available, as well
as the opportunity to buy phonecards and
USSU clothing.
For more information, please contact
Jacqui Hollis: j.hollis@surrey.ac.uk.
A survey of students’ unions undertaken by
the Association of Managers of Students’
Unions (AMSU) has revealed that the
University of Surrey Students’ Union
(USSU) is currently one of the highest
performers throughout the country.
The survey, carried out by Peacocks on
behalf of AMSU, has shown that catering
at USSU recorded the 2nd largest net
operating surplus during the financial
year 2001/2 and that the entertainments
department was the 3rd largest operation,
behind Salford and Manchester
Universities.
As a nightclub, USSU registered the 7th
largest operation surplus and the gaming
machines – which have all recently
been replaced in the GameZone and
Chancellor’s – generated the 11th biggest
surplus. The bars, which are small
in comparison to many other Unions
throughout the country, came 26th.
The survey was completed by unions
throughout the country and represents
a massive turnaround in the fortunes
of USSU. Three years ago, the flagship
bar Chancellor’s was some £40k in debt
and the commercial aspect of the Union
registered debts totalling much larger sums
but now the Union has reserves nearing
a quarter of a million pounds and has
reduced its dependence on the commercial
side of the Union with the development of
the student development schemes such as
DAVE and the V project. General manager
of USSU, Bob Anderson, said he was
“delighted” with the results of the survey.
Photo: Paul Wright
supervisors
required
£6.50 - £7 p/h :: 28th July - 8th August
FISH is an activity based scheme being run by Guildford
Borough Council for children aged 10-16 this summer
Activities include DJ & graffiti workshops, skiing, climbing, comedy and
much more
We are looking for reliable, enthusiastic,
self motivated individuals to work as supervisors on the programme. Working
closely with the professional facilitators
you will supervise children and help run
the activities.
If you think you have what it takes and you want two weeks
of action packed fun, then contact:
Susan Kelland :: (01483) 444769
for more information.
5
NEWS
1 May 2003
School students “put off by debt” says NUS
A RECENT SURVEY by the National Union of
Students has shown that 85% of students
that would like to go to university would
change their minds if they accumulated a
debt of £20k on graduation. A third said
they would not go to university if fees were
raised to £2000 a year, a figure that rises to
60% if the fee was £5000.
The results are published as the result
of a preliminary report commissioned
by the NUS as part of their Funding the
Future campaign. 1000 year 10 students
in comprehensive schools were questioned
before the publication of the government’s
recent White Paper concerning university
funding and the report will conclude with a
survey of the students’ parents.
More than 90% of the pupils said that
university would give them the skills they
could use in a job and over half expected to
BY RICHARD WATTS
both attend university and earn about half a
million pounds more than someone who did
not go to university.
Addressing the issues of student finance,
the survey found that over 80% of pupils
thought that studying at university is
expensive, though just under half believed
that their living expenses would be under
£100 a week. The annual NUS Costs of
Study survey for 2002/3 in fact estimates
that students spend an average of £159 a
week outside of London, excluding tuition
fees.
Speaking on the report, co-author
Judith Watson said: “This is the first
time independent research has been
commissioned into the higher education
attitudes and aspirations of school children
and their families. It will be a great pity if
young people with high aspirations are put
off university by rising fees and debt. NUS
is right to be concerned by the government’s
funding proposals.”
NUS president Mandy Telford said:
“According to our research fees and debt
will deter the very students the government
wants to attract to university. It is extremely
worrying that 85% of school children would
not go to university if the government goes
ahead with its plans.
“If the government is genuinely committed
to opening up education then they must
remove the threat of top-up fees and debt.
This research only consummate the fact that
under current proposals, less advantaged
children will not have the same opportunities
of access as their richer counterparts.”
www.nusonline.co.uk
Telford re-elected NUS president
98% of UniS graduates employed
MANDY TELFORD WAS re-elected as NUS
president at the annual conference held in
Blackpool by a majority of just three votes.
Following seven rounds of vote transfers,
Ms. Telford warded off Kat Fletcher by 429
votes to 426.
Following her victory, Ms Telford said: ““I
am delighted that [the students] voted for me
once again. I am proud to stand for what I
believe in and now I will fight for it - for an
end to fees and the return of living grants. I
will also continue to fight bigotry and fight
the BNP on campuses across the UK.”
THE UNIVERSITY OF Surrey has once
produced an excellent result concerning the
employment of graduates following their
time studying at the University.
Results from the annual First Destination
survey have shown that 2.3% of the UKdomiciled undergraduate students with a
known destination were unemployed. The
figure compares to 1.9% in the same survey
last year and once again shows a strong
showing from the University with regard to
graduate employment, often attributed to the
strength of the placement year within degree
courses.
Dr Russ Clark, the head of the careers
service, said: “This is a good result in the
light of the continuing recessive economic
climate during which the survey was
conducted.
““I am confident that our marginally higher
unemployment figure will be mirrored
by other institutions and [UniS] should,
therefore, be at or near the top of the
employability league tables once again.”
The only way to find out about conference is to brave Blackpool and experience it first hand
NUS Conference is the sovereign body of
the National Union of Students and the
forum at which national policy is set for
the following year. This year on the agenda
(or order paper) were four main areas of
debate: NUS reform, higher education
funding, student welfare and student
activities.
Each of these areas consisted of a motion
much like those seen at Student Council
and a series of up to seven or eight
amendments that subtly altered the overall
meaning of the complete motion. The
process was that the motion was introduced
and then the first amendment was
discussed and voted upon. If it was passed
then it became part of the substantive of
the final motion, if it fell then the whole
amendment disappeared and conference
moved on to the next amendment until
all had been discussed. At this point the
finished motion was discussed and put to
the vote, all those ‘for’, all those ‘against’
and anyone abstaining.
Of these four the first two were discussed
fully and the third was postponed to the
next meeting of National Council to be
completed.
Finally this year conference acknowledged
that affiliation fees have been a joke
for too many years. The affiliation fee
currently for a union is calculated on the
number of students at that university and
the value of the subvention granted by
the university to the union. Both of these
figures are supplied by the union paying
the affiliation fee and taken
whom this was their first
purely at face value by
conference. They came with
NUS. This conference voted
the naive hope of discussing
to reassess this position
student issues and making
and independently audit
it all the way through the
the figures supplied by
agenda resulting in setting
unions to ensure that every
policy for the coming year.
affiliated union is paying
This view was quickly
a fair fee as the majority
dashed as the factions
PAUL WRIGHT
currently under quote both
emerged, be they the
to result in a lower fee.
speaker in the Conservative
Conference also passed
t-shirt wishing for the
“I’m glad I went to
somewhat controversial
factions to stop slowing
conference, though it’s no the progress of conference
policy to campaign for
great shame I’m ineligible or the Labour Students
non-means tested grants
to go next year.”
(postured by the aptly
pushing for their slate to
named “Campaign for
be elected to the National
Free Education” faction);
Executive or the Socialist
somewhat of a u-turn on previous policy
Worker Student Society (SWSS) visitors in
that was to campaign for grants for those
the upper balcony directing the vote of all
that needed it. Whilst this is a stronger
those wearing “Red Army” t-shirts. Too
ideological viewpoint I personally cannot
many times I saw such delegates unsure
see how this could ever come about. With
of which way to vote hesitantly raise their
this motion came talk of campaigning for
arms looking round for confirmation.
a more progressive tax system to fund
These were sheep, not people voting with
such a system. This again is fine in theory
their conscience. Either they were worried
but when you consider that those who can
of upsetting those running SWSS or too
actually make those changes would be
simple minded to make up their own minds
hit the most then you can see the uphill
on how the thousand students they were
struggle facing the NUS.
supposedly representing would wish to
Some people applauded the factions,
vote.
saying that as a student representation
Conference seemed unable to let go of the
organisation politics should be at the
war occurring in Iraq, at any opportunity
forefront of everything that the NUS do.
speakers seemed determined to remind all
I believe that there was a silent majority
present of the “illegal and immoral war”.
of delegates from apolitical unions for
Regardless of my personal feelings on
the war I felt this was nothing more than
an emotive trick to gain support for the
speaker’s opinion and therefore direct the
voting.
All in all conference was, for me, an
interesting experience. A lot of good came
out of it with the policies that have been
passed for the coming year, the bad was the
use of factions to drive through particular
political agendas.
And for the ugly? Well conference
wasn’t without controversy: one of the
independently organised fringe meetings
managed to secure a talk by the former
Israeli Prime Minister, Shimon Peres.
The ugly aspect came through the protest
outside the venue whilst people were
trying to get in. With armed police, sniffer
dogs and airport style metal detectors the
tension in the air was not helped in any
way by the banner waving and verbal
abuse from pro-Palestine supporters
towards people going into the talk. Even
during the talk there were persistent
interruptions and shouts of “Murderer!”
thereby showing absolutely no basic respect
for the invited guest speaker regardless of
political opinions.
I’m glad I went to conference this year,
though I won’t be too sorry that I’m
ineligible to stand as a delegate next year.
If you have an interest in how student
politics work on a grand scale or see
what the NUS actually do then I would
recommend standing for conference
delegate next year.
6
OPINION
1 May 2003
The irrational fear of maths
THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION
UNION HOUSE
UNIVERSITY OF SURREY
GUILDFORD GU2 7XH
WWW.USSU.CO.UK
We’ve heard all the rhetoric before
and the arguments are running thin
Government Ministers are, for the main part,
intelligent people: the majority have gained
first class degrees from reputable institutions, fulfilled generally successful careers
before moving into politics and made their
names through standing by what they believe in having arrived at their conclusions
by looking at the evidence presented to
them. These are the reasons they are elected
to represent their country.
They are not elected, however, to be obstinate, peremptory and patronising to those
they are supposed to represent. The Minister for Lifelong Learning and Higher Education, Margaret Hodge, is all those things
and more if her performance at USSU is
anything to go by.
Mrs Hodge’s cabinet position would suggest that she respects higher education; indeed it is reasonable to assume she would be
only too happy to encourage people to further their learning lives (in line, of course,
with the government’s widening participation target). Talking to students from local
sixth forms, however, she simply refused to
address the specific issue of how these students can expect to attend university without
burdening themselves with an unreasonable
amount of debt or give clear, respectful
responses to articulate, pertinent questions.
Instead, she covered the old ground and
government rhetoric reserved especially for
occasions on which ministers meet civilians
face to face.
“Why shouldn’t students go into debt?” she
asked incredulously, amazed that she was
being asked the question. “Who should pay
for education if not students?” she inquired,
forgetting she is the one that is supposed to
provide the answer to that particular question. “It’s an investment and you’ll earn
£400k more over your working lifetime than
a non-graduate” she cried, ignoring recent
research results that show arts graduates earn
less than those with 2 A-levels and that girls
will never pay back their debts, let alone the
remarks made dismissing that figure as ‘simplistic,’ ‘misleading’ and ‘obscure.’
Reasonable students are not asking for a
free education - they are simply asking for
straight answers to questions and would like
to participate in finding a solution to the
crisis that is the result of years of neglect
from successive governments concerning
the higher education funding system.
We shall not pretend that the role of government Minister is an easy one to fulfil
- there are many different people with priorities of their own to ensure that a politician
can never please everyone - but to remain
both ignorant to and dismissive of concerns
when presented with them, as was the case
with Mrs Hodge, is simply unacceptable
and, unfortunately, seemingly typical of the
government’s approach to higher education
funding and their own White Paper.
That the two individuals charged with selling the government’s funding proposals to
the public are not willing to listen to what
people say is simply incomprehensible and
certainly not what this paper would expect
of any individual, let alone a government
Minister. It surely isn’t that hard to answer a
question. Unless the questions are the ones
you don’t want to be asked, such as “how
can the target of 50% of 18-30 year olds
have a higher education experience when
the government refuses to rule out charging
fees for courses?”
We are still waiting for an answer, and
£400k extra earnings over a working lifetime is not a reasonable response.
Are you aware of the Sars facts?
It is often easy to dismiss crises abroad, but
the Sars is truly a case that could affect us
here at the University of Surrey. There are
plenty of resources available in order to become better acquainted with the facts about
Sars and in particular the symptoms of the
deadly syndrome.
The symptoms of Sars are similar to that of
the common cold and of flu: they are listed
on the right. The incubation period is believed to be short, around 3-6 days but the
speed of international travel creates a risk
that cases can rapidly spread around the
world and with a proportion of our students
returning to their homes for the holidays in
high risk areas, it is important that we are all
vigilant during the period after these vacations.
• fever above 38°
• short breath
• breathing problem • appetite loss
• headache
• lethargy
• chills
• confusion
• muscular pains
• rashes
• coughing
• diarrhoea
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.”
JOHANN VON GOETHE (1749 – 1832)
THE NUMBER OF people
their ‘But Why?’ hat find
who are frightened by the
themselves falling behind.
prospect of mathematics is
It is then these students
proportional to the number
that form the majority of
of students who ended their
the mathematically fearful
mathematical
experiences
group mentioned earlier and
at the very first opportunity,
maths continues to suffer
which is to say at GCSE.
from a totally unnecessary
For those who would count
bad image.
RICHARD WATTS
themselves amongst that
Is there a solution to this?
group, proportional to is a
According to Terry Bladen –
phrase that roughly signifies “To wonder how often people the president of the National
employ mathematical concepts
there is a clear relationship
Association of Schoolmasters
after leaving school is to miss
between the former and
Union of Women Teachers
the point completely.”
latter, though the scale of
– maths should no longer be
their extents are different.
a “main subject” at GCSE.
The above manifests itself in the general Speaking at a recent conference, he said:
reaction to the statement “I am studying “I would always argue that pupils should be
maths at university” – a comment always numerate, with numeracy taught throughout
greeted by the unqualifiable “Wow – you all the key stages, but numeracy can be
must be clever” reply. It would surely divorced from mathematics.
never occur to anyone to label a student
“How often do the majority of people need
“thick” simply because they happen to or use mathematical concepts once they
study psychology, for example, so why is it have left school?”
necessary to assume intelligence on behalf
This is absolutely the wrong approach to
of a maths student simply by the choice of adopt. It should surely not be the case that
their subject?
we remove that which is difficult from the
The key here is perception: the experience syllabus in order to accommodate those that
of mathematics for many people is not a struggle. In a similar fashion to the example
pleasant one and many of the approaches of number above, all it would take to make
that concern the teaching of mathematics, maths more approachable is to identify a
paradoxically, do not engage the subject in correlation between the concepts maths
a logical fashion.
employs as a subject and the situations they
Take, for example, the abstraction that represent in the real world, beyond symbols
is number: what does ‘8’ actually mean? and calculators.
By itself, it means nothing – it is just a
That he wonders how often people employ
symbol and thus can only exist if applied to mathematical concepts after leaving school
something countable. Thus ‘8 apples’ or ‘0 is to miss the point completely.
weapons of mass destruction.’ In order to
I was very fortunate to have a maths
teach primary school children the abstract teacher that could divorce the abstraction of
concept of number, therefore, they are A-level maths from the real-world in which
taught to count objects and only then do they number, letter and symbol underpin every
start learning to add or multiply numbers as piece of technology, every moving object
opposed to the objects they count.
and indeed the physical world as we know
At some point up the compulsory education it. That Mr Bladen is a maths teacher raises
ladder, however, this idea of linking the concerns not only for the students that he
abstract concepts of mathematics to what teaches but also for the approach to teaching
they can actually represent gets hidden maths throughout this mathematicallybehind x, y and all manner of funny symbols daunted education system and those that
to such an extent that it is no wonder pass through it.
students who are not willing to put aside
watts_so_hot@hotmail.com
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters
may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: barefacts@ussu.co.uk
Dear barefacts,
Re: ‘Lights, Camera, Action’ letter,
barefacts 1056
Mike Chambers claims that there is enough
money in the Council’s budget to cover the
costs of a subway improvement scheme.
What he fails to mention is that this money
is to be spent over the next three years, and
was allocated for general improvements to
subways across the whole of Guildford. It
will do little to help with the acute problem
we have in the University area, since only
£1000 is available in the coming year.
Liberal Democrats want to resolve this issue
- not score political points by voting for a
scheme which will not solve the problem.
Mike Chambers really should keep up
at the back. If he had, he would know
that improvements to pedestrian safety
are regarded as a matter of urgency by
each of the Vice Chancellor, the Chief
Superintendent of Guildford, the Chief
Executives of Guildford Borough Council
and Surrey County Council and particularly
the Liberal Democrats in Onslow and
Westborough.
Thanks go to Toni Borneo and her colleagues
who have been proactive in working
towards a solution, including approaching
Sue Doughty, MP for Guildford, who has
prioritised the issue. Guildford Liberal
Democrats recognise that sharing the cost of
a scheme between the University, the Police
and the Councils will bring a much faster
solution to this problem.
We want action now, not in 2004.
Regards,
CLLRS. STEVE FREEMAN, TONY PHILLIPS AND
LYNDA STRUDWICK
ONSLOW LIBERAL DEMOCRATS
1 May 2003
I HAVE NO idea what this issue of barefacts
is going to contain, but after the events of
the last six weeks, I predict that what there
is will be generously smattered with warrelated opinions. Everybody has one, and
everybody is embarrassed about how much
their own opinion has had to change since
George Bush went on television in March to
explain that he didn’t care what the United
Nations thought, and consequently that
nobody would ever again.
Well, sod him. Whatever your views, I’ll
wager that the last thing you want to read
about is more war. Call it intuition, but I
think you’d like to read about something
fluffy and parochial to take your mind off
war and politics and George Galloway and
everything. So, this week I shall distract
you from the self-absorbing, all-too-human
monotony of evil versus counter-evil, and I
won’t even mention the war again.
This may just be a personal observation, but
it’s the season for weddings. I’ve reached an
age, two or three years after graduation,
when some of the more eligible women that
I once knew have now declared themselves
permanently, and in the sight of God, to be
way out of my league. Last year I went to
two weddings, and so far this year, I’ve been
to another two. In the latest of these my role
was rather different. I implore you to keep
reading this, lest you ever end up a victim or
a perpetrator.
Now, the best man’s speech is a celebrated
tradition, and an intractible part of the
wedding ceremony. It is as necessary as the
elderly parishioner who complains about
the mess all the confetti is going to make of
the churchyard. In other words, a wedding
wouldn’t be a wedding without it.
The speech is usually delivered thus: ‘The
bride looks beautiful. Where’s my snog,
then?’ Pause for laughter, get none, look
around, slightly embarrassed. ‘Thanks to
X, Y, Z and Alpha for organising this gig.
Terrific. Best wedding I’ve ever been to.
Let’s hope your next one is just as good,
mate.’ Nudge the groom, pause for laughter,
get none. ‘Seriously, folks. It’s not my show
though, it’s his.’ Nudge the groom again.
‘Hey, but you’ve been around a bit, though,
haven’t you?’ Smack the groom playfully
on the head. Rictus grin. ‘Ho ho ho. Well,
charge your glasses and be upstanding,
everybody. Who writes this bollocks? Ha
ha. Really, another drink wouldn’t go amiss.
To the bride and groom. Cheers. Thanks
OPINION
Second-hand morals
Having found out he was to be best man at his best
friend’s wedding, Ben Supper’s mind turned
immediately to the traditional speech. On
reflection, a moment’s thought to the stag night might
have been more beneficial
Blimey.’ Sit down, get congratulated, get
drunk, dance badly.
It was my duty to make the best possible
account of my friend Michael in this way.
For years, Michael has overshadowed me
with his superior confidence, his superior
salaries, and the overwhelming quantity of
women he’s managed to get entangled with
who have messed him up and, in the process,
have been messed up themselves.
Michael is a great friend. He’s pretended
not to notice my envious glances in his
direction. For at least eight years, I’ve had
to be content with second-hand knowledge
of all the valuable post-adolescent sexual
morals that Michael has been able to learn
directly. Nonetheless, I like him and trust
him, and he likes me and trusts me. That is
the definition of friends. So, last January I
said to him, ‘Best man? Of course I will. It’ll
be a great honour.’ As soon as the words had
escaped my lips, I felt like a huge twit.
That said, I did feel honoured. It was also the
hardest thing I’ve had to do for a very long
time. I delivered my appetite-ruining speech
to a room full of after-dinner speakers, most
of whom were from the bride’s side of the
family. I feared they would judge every
ad-lib, every witticism, every vowel, every
inflection, every split infinitive. My fears
were groundless. It wasn’t Keats; it wasn’t
even Cleese; nevertheless, they laughed and
clapped in the right places. It went well.
Anyway, that’s beside the point. A couple
of weekends before all of this, we threw
Michael’s stag party in London. If you’re
planning to spend a Saturday night out in
London, there’s just one thing you need to
know: you must choose between sobriety
and poverty. That was easy in my case. At a
stag night, sobriety is out of the question.
I don’t remember swallowing mouthfuls
of precious jewels, or smashing Faberge
eggs to pieces with a claw hammer. I don’t
remember buying a professional football
team. I don’t even remember having my
wallet and my PIN number elicited from
me by a huge man with a motorcycle chain.
However, if all of these events had happened
that evening, it might explain how I could
have nothing but a two-course meal and four
drinks, but wake up the following morning
with the debt of a Third World country on
my hands.
So, of course, could a certain Performance
Theatre to which we were all inexorably
7
steered. We must have been drunk. Yes,
it opened my eyes, but I shut them really
tight again. The stage was at eye level. The
performers were naked. They squatted low.
What did I learn? That one fuzzy crotch
being waved in your face looks very much
like any other. That even a professional
stripper may only bother to dye half of
herself blonde. That pole dancers move
with all the conviction and sensuality of
animatronic waxworks. That women are
about as erotic as a case of threadworm if
you can’t interact with them unless it’s to
insert ten pounds into a lacy garter belt.
I spent most of our expensive hour
there dodging blinking lights in the
tiny auditorium to read a novel which I
had brought for the train journey. This
happened to arouse the curiosity of a wide,
long-haired, grinning man sitting next to
me. He immediately assumed that I was
reading only because I was petrified and
offended by the entertainment around me.
He quoted famous people. He exuded
platitudes. I realised I had stumbled upon
the strip bar philosopher. I asked, ‘What’s
a philosopher like you doing in a Soho strip
bar at 12.30am?’ ‘Well, I suppose this is a
kind of philosophy ...’ and so continued our
conversation. After a couple of minutes of
needle-sharp rhetoric, he stopped talking
and left me to my paperback.
The next two shows were identical in
everything but woman and soundtrack, and
the one after them didn’t look like it would
be any different, so we retired to the bar.
The lone fortysomething in half a suit was
there. The happy young heterosexual couple
were there, too. Three closely cropped men
in pastel-coloured designer shirts clustered
around a small table, talking loudly in
estuary English about nothing interesting.
The only character missing was the bloke in
the anorak who really likes trains. I suppose
that could have been me.
A stripper caught my eye through the
glazed door. It would have been impolite to
stare, and impolite to look away. Uncertain
about strip club etiquette, I mouthed ‘Good
evening’ at her. She looked away. I helped to
prop up the groom-to-be who was standing
next to me. He was open-mouthed: half
leering, half because he was uncertain about
what to do with most of his face. We finished
our drinks and returned to the theatre, sitting
down with him to watch the last twenty
continued on page 9
8
OPINION
1 May 2003
Freedom and the Qura’n, but what about war with Iraq?
Responding to an article that appeared before the
Easter break, Abdul Saqib discusses some religious
issues concerning the war with Iraq and reveals his
thoughts on people reacting to world events (right)
AN ARTICLE FROM a respectable fellow
with the headline “Why I am not against
the idea of war with Iraq” - which
appeared in the last edition of barefacts
- has inspired me to write a few lines on
that topic. By this, I don’t mean that I am
writing in opposition to the article – the
author expressed some genuine points
concerning the international relations
aspects of the conflict that might be
of interest more to those studying
international relations and politics. This
article is intended to rectify some of his
points concerning religion.
Before talking about the religion, I,
advocating the common people, want to
clarify that we believe all matters could
be resolved avoiding wars which create
more destruction than “(re)construction”.
We don’t favor the Iraqi regime or Iraqi
dictatorship - we just want for ourselves
and for our next generations a war-free
world. We want the UN to be strong
enough to create war-free solutions for
all matters. When I say ‘we’, I do not
include the governments: governmental
policies are more bureaucratic and often
not reflecting well of the opinion of the
masses. This is because of the fact that
true democracy does not exist anywhere.
We can hardly find a government which
is ‘of the people, for the people and by
the people’.
The author of the previous article talks
about the university students taking part
“Perhaps no Islamic
country is opposing
war on the basis of the
Qura’n’s instructions. To
think otherwise could
be seen as misguided.”
in anti war protests. In fact UniS (or any
other uni) students are mature enough to
know what they should do. Everyone
who took part in those protests was
there due to the feelings which I have
described above. I am a UniS student.
I admit that I did not go to the famous
London Protest but I know a person who
is beyond his student life who went there
having travelled 40-50 miles! In fact
the ratio of students to non-students in
these demonstrations must be consistent
with their proportion in the population.
Everyone there had a clear idea in his
mind: “we want a war-free globe”.
While discussing the Gulf countries, the
writer pointed to the verse 4:89 of Qura’n.
I have to say with heavy heart that such
blind references create more difficulty in
uniting the people. Non-Muslims would
think (mostly not finding enough time to
go for the actual verses) that perhaps it
is a religion without freedom of mind.
The verse 4:89 does not talk about the
revertants (people leaving the Islam).
When this verse was revealed to the
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), the city
Madina was a Muslim state, Madina (the
city/region governed by Muhammad)
was a Muslim state. There were some
people (called ‘Munafeqeen’ in Arabic)
in the City who were spying for the
enemies trying to attack and demolish
Madina. We can find the same rule in
today’s World: no country allows any of
its citizens to spy for there enemies.
It is then proposed that a freedom
of religion would mean an en mass
revertation from Islam. Here instead of
presenting an argument myself, I would
like to mention the author’s own point.
He believes ‘UAE’ has a complete
freedom of religion: can the respectable
writer provide the number of people in
UAE who have reverted from Islam?
Suppose there is a certain number -how
many of them has started writing as or
even thinking of themselves as
2002 - 2003
editor in chief | richard watts [comms@ussu.co.uk]
editor
sarah butterworth [mu91sb@surrey.ac.uk]
deputy editor
position vacant
news editor
philip howard [ph02ph@surrey.ac.uk]
music editors
alex read [cs01ar@surrey.ac.uk
simon robinson [ps91sr@surrey.ac.uk]
theatre editor
rachael bemrose [sc92rb@surrey.ac.uk]
film editors
stewart fudge [cs81sf@surrey.ac.uk]
jolyon hunter [cs91jh@surrey.ac.uk]
photography editor
chris hunter [funkyberry@hotmail.com]
literature editor
chris ward [cs21cw@surrey.ac.uk]
sports editor
eddison ruswa [ce21er@surrey.ac.uk]
lifestyle editor
morgan gooch [ph02mg@surrey.ac.uk]
If you would like to write for barefacts, then please get in touch: barefacts@ussu.co.uk
Christians, Jews, Hindus or of belonging
to any other religion (or even agnostic!).
Perhaps not a single one. Many millions
of Muslims are living in countries like
UK and USA which have complete
freedom of religion, but, we can’t see any
signs of en mass revertation from Islam.
Instead perhaps the number of people
coming to Islam is rising everywhere.
Reference is then made to some Islamic
countries who might be refusing war on
Iraq on the basis of Qura’n’s instructions.
This is a misguided thought. Perhaps no
(Islamic) country is doing so on this
basis, because Qura’n never asks to
support cruel regimes. Instead it says
that if you find a state doing cruelties
you all should try jointly stopping it.
This is also the basis of the UN, which
unfortunately in this case, has not been
utilised as it should be.
The writer uses the term ‘Islamic
countries’. This usage is not unique
to him, and is a common practice. We
should abandon this practice. I would
like to say that in fact no country is
Islamic, Christian, Buddhist etc. No ruler
whether he is Christian, Muslim or else
is taking guidance from religion. The
only driving force is the economics. In
fact when we look at the political, human
rights or any other situation of a country
it is its (economic) region not religion
which best describes it.
My final words I leave to comment about
the ‘large crowd’ of Muslims witnessed
(not by the writer) celebrating on campus
after the 11/9 incident. Although the
writer mentions that he has heavy heart
writing such statements, in my opinion,
he should have avoided reporting such
incidence which are not witnessed by
himself. Even if it was so, what was the
number of those large crowds: 3 maybe 4
or more! Well, let us suppose there were
some ill minded people celebrating,
then it is no more than the celebrations
of a Downs Syndrome person clapping
and dancing upon seeing even his own
house on fire: one might fear of some
‘madness’ from them, but I think that
the realistic approach is to look at the
statistical data and not to worry more
about less important issues – a sentiment
that could be applied to many cases
before acting.
Editor’s note: this article was written
before the Easter break and although
the events of the last five weeks have
made it less current, it is still a relevent
topic and one that was felt best included
as part of the gathering opinion on the
Iraq conflict within barefacts’ pages.
barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is
published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union
Communications Office.
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1 May 2003
9
VOLUNTEERING
Golden Oldies dance away the years with
the V project’s jazz dance
The volunteering project continues to
provide opportunities to help out in the
local community. V coordinator Alli
Cummings reviews the last A-team event and
gives out more details of how to get involved in V
Hi it’s Alli Cummings, the V Project
Co-Ordinator here again to tell you
what has been happening with V lately
and to also give you a few ideas of
new ways to spend some of your spare
time.
First of all, though, the latest update
on what has been happening with V.
The A Team ran the Golden Oldies Jazz
Dance before Easter where around 40
local elderly people from Age Concern,
Guildford Club For The Disabled and
Milford & Villages Day Centre made
their way up to the University for an
afternoon out with a bit of twist. The
volunteers spent the morning dashing
around madly trying to prepare enough
food to feed about 50 people (yes we
fed the volunteers aswell!), decorating
university hall and putting up signs to
show everyone where to go – although
we did manage to get a few people
lost! The afternoon kicked off at 2.00
with the University’s saxophone band
playing a fantastic set to get everyone
in the mood. Then after they had got
everyone’s toes tapping, it was the
turn of the ballroom dancers to strut
their stuff and put on a great show
for everyone. Then after persuading
all that it was really easy the dancers
proceeded to teach those who fancied a
boogey, how to do a fox trot with some
pretty disastrous results from the likes
of me! It was then time to replenish
energy levels and within minutes the
entire buffet had been demolished.
With bellies full it was then time for
Xan from GU2 to start rounding up the
day with a game of Bingo which was
great fun and the prizes such as meal
for two at Lakeside, a fruit basket and
bottles of wine went down a treat. So
how did it go then? Well we all thought
it was a great day but you can never be
quite sure how everyone else feels but
after receiving some thank you cards
this morning I think we can confidently
say that it was a brilliant success - a big
pat on the back to the A Team. Anyway
>> Second row of a strip joint
continued from page 7
minutes of the show.
I sat in the second row. Michael
reclined in a seat in front of me, far
drunker than I’d ever seen him before,
and obliged the lady in front of him
with a portrait of the Queen. In return,
she allowed him to execute a superficial
gynaecological examination. To his
right sat Danny, to whom I had been
chatting civilly not three hours before.
Danny, it transpires, is one of those
people who is not worth talking to after
he’s had a few drinks. I’ve noticed a
similar effect take hold of certain other
people. At some stage in the evening, a
switch clicked in his head from ‘friend’
to ‘arsehole’.
© Ingridt Share
This explains why, just forty minutes
before, Danny had grabbed me by the
shoulder and propelled me into the
theatre, when I was about ready to
catch a night bus and leave them all to
it. He was drinking and drinking, and
getting more and more objectionable.
As if to prove the point, he turned on
another of Michael’s friends, a medical
student who was sitting next to me.
‘Oi! How can you be gay in a place like
this?’ His immediate reply alluded to
the pleasures of anal violation. Danny,
he then informed us, was only being so
belligerent because he was unaware
of the physical rapture that he was
denying himself by remaining straight.
Danny smiled lippily, and looked away.
The medical student turned to me.
There was a short pause.
(I have noticed that pauses of similar
duration are often employed by arthouse
film directors to suggest pregnant
homoeroticism. If a film reviewer raves
about the ‘erotic tension’ of a work, all
that this usually means is that it is
we have all been thanked for our efforts
so it is only fitting that we say thank
you to the Party Shop in Guildford (for
a huge discount on the decorations),
Hospitality & Catering (for supplying
all the catering equipment we needed),
The School of Management (for
donating a meal for two at Lakeside)
and to the Students Union (for letting
us use HRB to prepare the mountains
of food needed).
So if you are thinking you wish you
had got involved with something like
the jazz dance then don’t worry because
it’s never too late to do something and
make a difference.
Have a look at the V website
www.ussu.co.uk/volunteering where
you can find details of all the different
projects in and around Guildford that
are desperate for your help. To get
involved with any V projects then
simply pop into the Students Union
and see me or email me a.cummings@
surrey.ac.uk.
full of awkward five-second pauses in
which the viewer’s attention will shift
to the heavy curls of cigarette smoke
turning artlessly in the torpid air. But
I digress).
‘You don’t look very happy’ he told
me. ‘But I am’, I protested, meaning it
at the time. ‘I don’t think I actually get
happier than this.’ ‘Well, if you ever
want to talk, I’ve got time. Seriously.’
The show’s finale had begun. Three of
the ladies who had entertained us that
evening reappeared, gyrating like dolls
attached to a crankshaft. The fourth
emerged from backstage as soon as she
had put her clothes back on, and peeled
them off again. I looked around at the
audience. In doing so, I was alone.
Each of the four dancers addressed
a particular section of the clientele.
All around were pouts, breasts, slowmotion legwork, and glassy-eyed
men ranked in two rows of seats,
concentrating very, very hard. Alcohol,
sex, and symmetry consumed every
square inch of the theatre, and for five
minutes we found ourselves in a hall of
mirrors. The asymmetry, cold air, and
intimate hubbub of Soho was
Above: dancers of the older
variety enjoying themselves at the Golden Oldies
Jazz Dance and (right) of
the sort Ben Supper found
himself acquainted with in
the not too distant past.
an immediate
relief.
So why am
I telling
you
this?
At
last, I have some
firsthand experience
which
is
worth sharing. This
week, I will leave you with four pillars
of truth. One. Those who are confused
in any way would do well to fear those
who are not. Two. If you want to sort
out your head, don’t go and spend a
Saturday night in London. Three. The
desolation of the stares I witnessed that
night forces me to conclude that people
don’t go to strip clubs for sex. Rather,
they are attracted by the reciprocating
movements of the dancers. It’s so
obvious now: that’s why so many men
are also captivated by steam engines.
Four. Just stay at home. Read the agony
aunt column of some crappy magazine.
It really is easier, and far cheaper, to
learn those valuable post-adolescent
sexual morals second-hand.
Boys night: 7:30pm, 07.05.03, Union
“I looked around at the audience. In doing so I was alone: alcohol, sex and
symmetry consumed every inch of the theatre. The fourth lady emerged from
backstage as soon as she had put her clothes back on.”
10
PROFESSIONAL PAGE
1 May 2003
Folk me: it’s a photographic history of UniS in the 70’s
Continuing the Surrey Alumni
Society’s “blast from the past”
series, Colin Edwards reveals the secret history of
UniS hidden at www.uossnaps.co.uk
WWW.UOSSNAPS.CO.UK IS A
web site with
hundreds of photographs and articles,
about student life, in the first decade of
the University of Surrey.
It all started as a small site, featuring
a few photos from the early 1970’s, just
to amuse the people featured. However
it just keeps slowly growing, as people
find it and send me more material.
Now it rambles over hundreds of badly
indexed pages, with contributions from
dozens of people, covering just about
every aspect of university life.
There are sections about OFU, barefacts
(or Bare Facts as it used to be known),
people, parties, protests, mud wrestling,
societies, rag, an inaccurate FAQ, and
much more (if you can find it).
The site includes: a very small young
lady, being sold off at the Rag ‘Slave
Market’; Stag Hill Morris. Would
you believe it, the students had an
internationally infamous Morris dancing
side. (Pull the other one, it’s got bells
on.) Gryphon playing at the Free
Festival. A water fight on Blackwater 3.
The students union, under construction.
The dapper looking gents, are at Sue
and Jane’s birthday party, by the river
in Guildford.
Remember that this is a whole
generation ago, when the campus was
much smaller. There were only about
2500 students, ten payphones, three
bars, 52 fondue sets and five TV’s.
Things have changed in the last thirty
years, but not that dramatically.
There are the obvious differences, like
a huge improvement in dress sense, but
the basic student experience doesn’t
seem to be that different.
Actually it’s long enough ago, for the
people featured, to now be the parents
of current students. Have a look at the
web site and see if you can spot what’s
changed.
To learn more about the website, contact
Mr Edwards via colin@folk.me.uk.
This is the word-crossing crossword
Everyone is thinking the same
thing: what to do next?
ABOUT THIS TIME every
statistic. Large numbers
year, we hear of a
of Surrey graduates are
number of final year
known to get their jobs
students who say they
by simply writing to an
are worried that they
employer they’d like to
haven’t got something
work for. Once again,
definite to do when
it is far easier to pick
they leave. This is not
up these jobs when you
unusual. We know from
are available to start
DR RUSS CLARK
previous surveys that
work immediately than
half of Surrey graduates
it is while you are still a
are in the same position. “It is not unusual for people student.
Yet we also know that to not have a clue what they There’s also encouraging
six months later nearly are going to do next - nearly news if you are thinking
everybody is either
about postgraduate study.
half don’t know.”
employed or doing some
Once Finals results
sort of further study.
are known, members
There is clear evidence
of academic staff have
that many graduates are choosing to a better idea as to who is eligible for
delay their career search until after awards for postgraduate degrees. If the
graduation.
For example, every student they had provisionally offered
year about 30% of Surrey graduates a place fails to get the required degree,
obtain their first job by replying to an they try to fill the place with someone
advertisement. Since many recruiters else.
This provides unexpected
who place ads expect applicants to be opportunities.
able to start as soon as possible, the
So there are good reasons for not
closer you are to graduation, the better panicking! I would encourage you to
are your chances of success when concentrate on getting the best degree
replying to an advertised vacancy. you can and apply yourself to your
Small and medium-sized employers in career planning when time permits. You
particular are much more likely to look may not have anything fixed up yet, but
for graduates after Finals. That’s why if past years are anything to go by, you
our own Immediate Vacancy Bulletin is shouldn’t have to wait too long before
at its fattest in the summer months.
you do.
Let me encourage you with another
www.surrey.ac.uk/careers
you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semester
Here we are once again with the crossword, back to help you wile away those long
and lonely revision hours. That said, if you are seeking comfort in a crossword,
there’s not much hope for you. The e-mail address is barefacts@ussu.co.uk, by the
way, if you would rather send something in than do the crossword.
MUSIC
COMPETITIONS
four pages of the
your chance to win
coolest, funkiest
a year’s subscription
bands in the world. of to BANG! magazine.
course, you might not next week: an orange
have heard of them... space hopper. super.
Location, location:
welcome to Collinwood
A fine cast and a cameo role for George
Clooney aren’t the only good things
about Welcome to Collinwood. Rich
Watts (left) suggests it might be tIme for
the Coen brothers to move over
TWO BROTHERS GET together, find
themselves with a killer-script, sit
down and direct the movie and wonder
what to do next. So far, so Wachowski.
In fact, so far so Coen, and just
as those two sets of brothers have
contributed wonderfully to the world
of film, so do Anthony and Joe Russon,
directors of Welcome to Collinwood.
It’s excessively quirky and a little
lacking in confidence in its delivery
but otherwise it is witty, funny and
nothing above its station. The bullshit
dialogue is intentionally bullshitty
and all involved greet their job - their
“Bellini” - with wit and sass.
The most dramatically impacting
elements in this movie are William H.
Macy’s sideburns - they’ll give you
nightmares - but the story starts off not
with his charmingly glum, struggling
new father, Riley, but a clumsy con
named Cosimo (Luis Guzman, a
familiar and unforgettable face from
the recent films of Paul Thomas
Anderson, including Punch-Drunk
Love and Collinwood producer Steven
Soderbergh). While Cosimo’s in the
clink for car theft, an old lifer tells
him of a perfect crime just waiting to
be hatched. It involves an old jeweler,
a safe full of dosh and a couple of old
biddies in the apartment next door.
Before any of this, though (and this is
the end of the East Cleveland parlance)
Cosimo must find a “Mullinski” -
someone to fess up and serve his time
for a few grand while he makes good
on the lifer’s long-incubated plot.
The setup is as good as any and
like many a caper it’s here almost
exclusively to let us hang out with
a motley lot of characters striving
to eclipse one another with wacky
characteristics. Cosimo’s moll Rosalind
(Patricia Clarkson) finds Cosimo a fall
guy in truly terrible amateur boxer Pero
(Sam Rockwell), but Pero exhibits a
skill for social manipulation and soon
he’s roaming free with the Bellini plan
and a gang with whom to tap it. There’s
Toto (the splendid Michael Jeter),
who seems incapable of keeping his
pants up let alone following through
on a robbery, there’s hair-trigger
Leon (Isaiah Washington), goofball
ladies’ man Basil (Andrew Davoli)
and poor Riley, who just wants to find
a thousand bucks to get his wife out of
jail. His sideburns are the least of his
problems.
Collinwood is full of surprises and
some of the most outrageous free-form
dialogue the cinema’s heard in a while
(“I will shit in you!” a disagreeable
cop shouts into Pero’s face). But
what’s much stranger is that this baby
delivered by Soderbergh is actually
much more fun than his stiff, largely
joyless remake of Ocean’s 11. That he
helps deliver a style that leads you to
believe in this despotic Cleveland town
– not even deserving of the title of the
film appearing in the opening sequences
– reminds you that it is Soderbergh of
Traffic and Erin Brockovich fame
helping out here, but the new focus
brought by debutant directors serves to
keep the tempo, and the story, up.
Mark Mothersbaugh plays as much
a role in this heist as any of the actors
by laying down a score of delightful
intricacy and mixed-up ethnicity. It’s
Top: the main
cast of Welcome to
Collinwood, without
Clooney or Luis Guzman and (right) the
new kid in town
Sam Rockwell
hard to believe that this is the guy
behind “Whip It” when the mandolins
and bouzoukis keep kicking in. At first
the effect is jarring - with every scene
comes a radically different chunk
of “world music” as if someone put
the Real World catalog on shuffle
- but soon enough the effect feels
like the scatteredness of America’s
uncertain and ever-shifting cities.
Such a soundtrack hasn’t been as
readily representative since The Royal
Tenenbaums.
Not everything in Collinwood makes
sense but this is an actor’s movie. As
Pero’s mark and sort of girlfriend,
Jennifer Esposito is at her best yet.
There’s also much crackle in the
exchanges between the feisty wouldbe crooks and patent freakishness
when they partake of two cameos
from
wheelchair-bound
veteran
safecracker, Jerzy (George Clooney).
It’s tempting to chide Clooney for
being too ridiculous (in two words:
rabbi disguise), but his clowning only
serves to emphasize the humanity of
the other criminals.
Fittingly, everyone involved is right
on the money, not least of all the Russo
brothers who, with a tale to rival that
of the Big Lebowski in an era-less time
of the downtrodden American classes,
will be leaving their Coen brothers
“How To Direct a Movie” book on the
shelf for future outings.
14
Enormous Trout! Gigantic Salmon!
PERSONALS
THE CHEESE.
Kinky Pinky from 90s Dance Night. You are
cordially invited to the March Pub Crawl.
I have guarundamnteed you’ll be there so
don’t let us down.
I want you Evan....Dead! Y
Did anybody else know that vodka smells like
water, looks like water, but definitely isn’t
water?!
I WANNA SHAG
Could somebody please introduce the
concept of STAIRS to the Hockey Club and
explain their use. Lowell, Lydia and Recess
take note!
a) They are not for sleeping on.
b) They should be negotiated at a relatively
slow speed.
c) They are often very hard, so it is
inadvisable to come into contact with them,
other than with your feet!
does 4 really come between 6 and 8!!
1 tequilla, 2 tequilla, 3 tequilla, 4
5 tequilla, 6 tequilla recess hits the floor!
Wanted: One Jewson’s flag for taking on tour
and covering up Naked Short guy
At time of going to print-only 22 more days
of boredom-to be sung in a Chris Rea stytlee
Hmmm. Is that a skirt or a belt?
Fuzzy Duck, Fuzzy Duck, Duzzy, ermmmm
Jade its your go-F*CK!
LET’s STOP HANGING OUT, LET’s
START HAVING FUN!
Rhys - you know I is better lookin you fat
ugly f***
Rhys - never Ever ask a girl if you can lick
her toes again! It’s just WRONG you sicko
can SOMEONE plz exlain to evan that you
do NOT pick up girls by sitting in AP on the
net at 3 am...GEEK!
1 May 2003
hi ya everyone!!!! how u doing???!!!! since
we came back, we’ve met a few people from
uni... and just wanted to say that i miss u
all!!!! i’m looking forward to seeing to again
soon!!!!
besos desde madrid
End. Advice: If you don’t come fotr the
swimming costumes, you will definitely
come for the models who wear them.
Guess what I did last week?...I got pd:out .
Oh baby YES!!!
Lost Glasses!?!?!?
To the guy/gal wholeft their glasses in the
AA building (Computing) I gave them to
SECURITY in senate house.
www.pdout.com
www.pdout.com
www.pdout.com
www.pdout.com
www.pdout.com
www.pdout.com
www.pdout.com
www.pdout.com
Vishala! - will you, won’t you, get a new boy!
HAHAHAHAH!
Happy Birthday Kinky!!!! Have a great day,
Love from the other 4 perfect girls in the
world!! J,A,K,V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Twomey! - you sick foot fetish, arse sniffing
bastard!
No replys to the wanting for 3 young men....
where are you all??
Sarah Norris - Negligible Sin Day??
Month??? Year??? Lifetime???
Currently recruiting......... Any offers???
So who does CT of CIT thank for the
complement?
Noisy Neighbour Riddhi....the only Bhangra
lover in Guildford!!! Turn it down nobody
cares!!!!.....LL Cool J.....No Way!!!! We
wish....LL Cool Singh!! Oh Well Have Fun!!!!
raise up ya litah ima natural born fitah,elite
lyric writer,stick ur head ina vice n do it real
tite, cos im SO much brighter n in bed ya gal
tell me im mightier.one
Bourne 2 rocks !
I want to thank my girlfriend Tamara for
being sexy and helping me get through my
exams. To the sexiest lady in the world, i love
ya babe x
I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I LOVE
MY BOYFRIEND VERY MUCH, HE
TAKES SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME AND
MY LIFE WOULD NOT BE THE SAME
WITHOUT HIM. I LOVE U BABY XXX
Starry starry night!
over £2000 raised by RAG for The London
Meningitus Foundation! Well done to all the
Raggies that came!
ave some room for later Augustus!
u know who u r.u know what your game was
and unfortunately 4u so do i now...let the real
games commence..
Adam and Sarah - you know you want to, so
just do it!!
could you help me to fine vietnamese student
in sureey university? thanks in advance
CONGRATULATIONS UniS Big Band!!!
Officially the best Big Band in the UK.
hey kinky- sexy here! lets bring the hole back
to life!!
A small quantity of uranium and thorium
chemicals were found in an old farm building
used for storage at Blackwell House, the
Vice-Chancellor’s residence.
well Em and Lou u check each week to chek
this isnt here so this week it is!!!
The accomodation office are a bunch of
useless, lazy arses. Why do we pay our hard
earned money for their services. Personally
I’d rather pay to have my arm chewed off by
a small rabid afghan rebel.
Seeeeedrick We know. we know you are in
looooove
Oiiii I really really like you!!!!! ;) xxx
mel doin a popstar are ya?
wasps are jealous of the bees. there they are,
in their nice warm coats, happily making
useful honey. oh, how the wasps envy them,
which is probably why their so pissed off all
the time, as well as being cold cos their bald...
2 unlimited WERE the best band in the
world ever. So there!
IT’S OFFICIAL ! So you can stop teasing us
now (esp. Scuman the superhuman). Thanx
K.J. & M@ x
TIGER!!!!!!! Where’s my message???? :(
Smell the cupcake Kennard!
to the girl sitting next to me in AP - you are
so fine!
did anyone get a free shot??????????????
cos i didnt
To the fit bird wiv the perfect tits and oh so
sweet arse in the union on friday - Thanx
4 the lovely supprise you gave me in the
gents,U know who you are 8-)
hey Fiona thanks for a great night u dirty
little minx, thats the first time a bird has let
me do that to her.
See John’s Bush! Go to Stag Hill Court
reception, and follow the signs. SEE THE
LEGEND!!!!!!!!
Real Madrid - Not quite REAL WAGES, at
least we have a TROPHY in the cabinet this
season
Dave - it was me that broke your plateLove ?
Home and Away
You’re my honeybun, sugarplum, pumpy
umpy umpkin, you’re my sweety pie. You’re
cuppy cake, gum drop, schnucle-puss
schnuckums, you’re the apple of my eye.
roll up and play the personals lottery: submit
one and see which week’s paper it will
appear in. wahey.
2Pac v Chesney - Chesney wins every time
-Love ‘Wellard’ Kennard
crikey - whats all the fuss about lemons?
99 red balloons does not have a verse in
German BEN, you fool!
Weasel Fest ‘03 - Thursday Main Hall!
Wells 4 v Wells 1 - Bring it on, we’ll ‘ave you.
Jo is Get-Up!
Nick made us WET.....
webmail is not working and i’m geting so
ducking stressed!
Hide the knives Nicks getting drunk tonight.
The cheese has all been nibbled what next?
Dave lives in a trailer!!!
K do you want some stress releving drops?
Kristina...ive seen your sexy ass around, u
know how to look good!
I want Everybody in Nottingham to support
the beautiful Water-Polo girls this Week-
SC you Croydon slag when will you visit me
again!!
15
FILM
1 May 2003
Going underground part III: the
experimental world of underground cinema
THIS WEEK, WE conclude our brief survey
of underground cinema with a look at
three very different filmmakers. In their
very different motives, we can see that the
artists who work within this field are driven
and motivated by very different things.
One works out of an adventurous spirit of
pure experimentation; another appeared
to be mostly interested in exploitation
movies and just happened to produce a set
of extraordinary, surreal short films. And
another seems to be primarily motivated by
his interest in seeing young, fleshy women
get chased around by weirdos. Fair to say,
none of these guys are the regular Academy
Award material. Do they even deserve to be?
Well, maybe.
Anthony Balch is the second man
mentioned, and his film career is mostly
remembered nowadays for the fact that three
of his five direction credits were produced
in collaboration with notorious writer and
critic William S. Burroughs. During the late
1960s, Burroughs’ artistic preoccupations
had shifted away from his homosexuality
and drug addiction, towards cut-ups, which
had been developed by his friend Brion
Gysin. Cut-ups were as they sound – a
set text or newspaper would be carelessly
sliced and then the cutter would read the
new sentences and statements that could be
formed by juxtaposing the
BY JAMES DIBLEY
remaining fragments in various ways. Gysin
was amused by this; Burroughs saw in it
a strategy for aggressively destabilising
reality (which he had always thought to
be an oppressive restriction on individual
freedom). Balch’s films of this time – The
Cut-Ups, Bill and Tony, and especially the
blistering Towers Open Fire are these cutup methods in action, and the effects are
extraordinary. The sensations of unbalance
and danger are palpable to a receptive
viewer. Balch’s other features more closely
reflect his background as an importer and
distributor of European exploitation films.
Neither Dr Bloodbath or Secrets of Sex
sound particularly interesting.
Which brings us to Jess “young, fleshy
women” Franco. In modern times, Jess
Franco is best known for Tarantino’s
judicious steals from his Los Vampyros
Lesbos soundtrack in Jackie Brown.
If there’s any justice, it’ll stay that way.
Artistic preoccupations for Jess Franco are
things along the lines of the way that he tends
to put his wife in most of his movies, naked;
the way that his films combine gratuitous
sex and violence with utterly incompetent,
tactless editing and direction; and the way
that some weirdos seem to go totally crazy
over his movies despite the fact
“Desperately sleazy, weird and - despite proclamations to
the contrary - really not sexy at all, Franco’s films sway
gracelessly between horror and porn.”
that they’re basically soft/hard-core pornos
with occasional grisly horror that’s not
enjoyable either: Eight Legs To Love You,
anyone?
Desperately sleazy, weird and – despite
proclamations to the contrary – really not
very sexy at all, Jess Franco’s films sway
gracelessly between horror and porn, semicompetent B-movie productions and awful,
awful messes. Sometimes the disjointed
narratives, generally abysmal acting, acidrock soundtracks and arrhythmic film
editing can contribute to a weird, surreal
atmosphere that’s something like a fever
dream: most of the time, though, it just
looks horrible and bad. Franco seems to
value quantity over quality: having worked
under around twenty pseudonyms, it would
appear that he has worked on something
approaching a hundred films, with no sign
of flagging yet.
A fair way to go, however, before Franco
catches up with our final filmmaker, Stan
Brakhage. As of this year, the Canadian
Brakhage had completed over 350 feature
presentations, varying in length from 9
seconds to 4 hours. He died two weeks ago,
on the ninth of March. A cult figure perhaps
marginalised by the uniquely personal
vision he’s followed since 1952, Brakhage’s
films are typically abstract, without
dialogue, filled with coruscating visuals
produced by an increasingly esoteric range
of experimental techniques. Producing his
works at home, without major studio
financing, Brakhage was free to indulge his
whims in making films by photography,
>> Classicfilm: if you go down to the woods today
DELIVERANCE (1972) DIRECTED BY John
Boorman, is based on the James Dickey
novel of the same name (he also wrote the
Screenplay for Boorman’s movie). The
story centres around four “city slicker” guys
who take a canoe trip into the American
wilderness before a particular river area
is submerged by an electricity company’s
dam-building efforts. Unofficial leader of
this expedition is Lewis, played by a young
Burt Reynolds. His companions include Ed
(Jon Voight) Drew (Ronny Cox) and Bobby
(Ned Beatty – yup, “Otis” from “Superman”
in his first movie role).
The film starts, and indeed continues for
the majority of its duration, without music.
All we hear is the voiceovers of the main
characters coupled with expansive shots
of the great American outdoors they are
venturing into. Their first run down a set
of rapids goes without a hitch, but on day
2 Beatty and Voight’s characters stop on the
riverbank for a break and are ambushed by
a couple of armed “mountain men” (psycho
hillbillies to you and me). This is where the
film kind of kicks off. Beatty’s character
is sexually assaulted by hillbilly#1 while
hillbilly#2 (“toothless man”) points the
shotgun at Voight’s character (tied to a tree
with a belt round his neck). All fairly
BY JOLYON HUNTER
FILM EDITOR
harsh stuff considering the year this film
was made, although the overall impression
I got from the film was a feeling that this
is all just one big hangover from the 60s.
Then again, that could be said about many
70 films I guess. Anyway, Burt Reynolds
arrives and shoots hillbilly#1 thru the heart
with his trusty bow and arrow… cue moral
dilemma of whether to go to authorities etc.
Drew wants to tell the police but is voted
down by the others and they proceed to bury
hillbilly#1 in the woods.
Drew’s conscience plays on him as they
paddle downstream and he fails to wear
his lifejacket – then he falls in to the rapids
(and is found later, mangled in river debris
downstream). However, all four go over a
small waterfall but in their panic overturn
into the rapids. Reynolds’ character severely
breaks his leg, and in the delirium he asserts
that Drew was shot. The group’s fear and
paranoia sets in, leading them to believe
they are being hunted by hillbilly#2 from
the riverbank. Voight’s character then scales
the cliff-face and shoots (with the bow and
arrow) someone who he thinks is hillbilly#2
– however on closer inspection he has teeth!
It is not hillbilly#2! After returning to the
others below he ties a rock to the corpse and
sinks it… again an emphasis on his change
from Mr pipe-and-slippers to ruthless tamer
of nature (he even loses his shirt for this bit,
just so you’re sure he’s wild now). We later
find out that the guy he has killed is just
some other yokel out hunting.
So after a while they get to the point where
they originally intended to arrive – and
make a pact to tell the same story and not
mention the multiple homicides or psychotic
hillbillies with too much time on their hands.
Voight’s character has a hard time dealing
with the whole affair and ends the movie
waking up from a nightmare where the dead
guy’s hand rises from the man-made lake.
The acting is ok, and the direction serves its
purpose. Much like Boorman’s other notable
movie, “Point Blank” (the Lee Marvin one,
hand-painting film negatives, and scratching
and gouging the emulsion itself. His 1964
masterpiece Dog Star Man is considered one
of the most important films ever made by the
US Library of Congress. The quality of his
films overall is legendary, and characterised
by his willingness to incorporate scenes and
situations from his own life in his movies:
1959’s Window Water Baby Moving is a
documentary of the birth of his first child;
throughout, his films are shadowed by a
brooding darkness, which sits side by side
with an unaffected, genuine appreciation
for nature and life itself. Inspirational and
frequently beautiful, dealing in minute detail
with one man’s life throughout the latter half
of the 20th century, Brakhage’s films are a
lasting, precious testament to the life of a
creative, sensitive man in highly volatile
times.
Right: the director Stan Brakhage.
Below left: a capture of the poster
for this week’s
classic film
which incidentally is much, much better
than this) the film is edgy and sometimes
uncomfortable for the viewer – enhanced by
the lack of soundtrack throughout most of
the picture. It meanders like the river they
travel down and at times it just doesn’t carry
enough clout with its allegorical attempts at
representing the struggle between man and
nature… or maybe watching too much 24hour rolling news had de-sensitised me by
the time I watched this movie. The concept
of man vs. nature, transformation when
one encounters the other, the whole “rape”
metaphor etc are all good starting points
for an intelligent, philosophical look at the
human condition… I just felt it was a bit
half-arsed at times.
This film is perhaps overrated (Best
Picture, Director and Editing nominations
at the 1973 Academy Awards), confused,
and feels unfinished or rushed. It is worth
watching if only so you “get” the jokes that
many US comedians like to make about it…
oh and the banjo bit is some mighty fine
bluegrass, yess sirreee HOO doggy. Scary
thing is, “Duelling Banjos” even reached
#10 in the US charts in 1973.
16
MUSIC
1 May 2003
I’M WITH YOU
| ARISTA/BMG
While the whole world seems to have a strong, unwavering opinion
one way or the other on Avril Lavigne, I can’t bring myself to describe
her musical output in even remotely passionate terms – it is neither
unmissably excellent nor excruciatingly poor, just very mediocre. Her
third UK single, described in the press release as ‘a string-inflicted
emotive ballad’ (sounds painful), is comparable to everything else I’ve
heard by her, with its unemotive string-inflected balladry inspiring
total apathy, along with Avril’s unremarkable vocals and the typically
clinical production job. Average songwriting, average singing, average
arrangement – average score. five | j.d.
AVRIL LAVIGNE
DEFAULT
DENY | TVT RECORDS
They’re from Vancouver. Their
lead singer is called Dallas
and used to work as a sheet
metal cutter. They’re clearly
Real Men, and they make Real
Men’s Music. All of which
immediately brings to mind
everyone’s favourite grunge
resurrectionists, Nickelback
– and, sure enough, the sleeve
notes reveal that a certain
Chad Kroeger is co-credited
with authoring the music and
lyrics, in addition to handling
production duties. It doesn’t
take a great deal of imagination
to work out what the result
sounds like, and although
Deny manages to grate slightly
less than most of Kroeger’s
work, there’s little chance of it
appealing to anyone who would
usually avoid anything he’s
involved with, which I expect
covers most people reading this
review. five | j.d.
SAVING GRACE (MURTO)
BEAT PUSHER FEAT. MIRANDA
BRAINSBY | SERIOUS
Commercial dance. Do I need
to go on? To clarify, this is the
type of dance track you see on
The Box music channel. You
know the sort: video starts off,
an impossibly attractive blonde
woman with a wistful smile
is on a boat or at the beach,
her first words, usually “hold
oooon” or something of that
nature and the wind blows her
hair about while behind her
some grinning twat with a pair
of Oakleys sunglasses pretends
to actually mix something.
There will always be a demand
for this sort of rubbish,
especially in the summer, and
that’s sad fact. Bottom line: I
wouldn’t use this CD to scrape
monkey shit off the walls at
London Zoo. two | a.c.
all words by the very excellent music team who are:
al read | andrew malek
simon robinson | anna wheeler
jonathan darzi | matty b
anthos chrysanthou
jonathan howel l terje tjervaag
jon allen | nick clancy
neil boulton | stu bryce
singles
KARAOKE SOUL
TOM MCRAE | DB RECORDS
It won’t be long before all this
singer/songwriter middle of the
roadness comes to a sticky end. In
the words of the great Mr Miyagi
to Daniel-san: “Squash, like
grape”. six | j.a.
TAKE ME I’M YOURZ
209 | BOHEMIAN RECORDS
Arrrghhh, it’s Linkin Park! Wait
no it’s 5ive with guitars, double
arrgghhh! With the deterioration
of Nu-metal (since the arguable
high point of Korn’s Freak on
a Leash) in its final stages, the
legacy of intelligent bands like
Incubus is left to gargantuan
corporate machines like the ‘park,
who sell ‘the kids’ angst right
back to them in the form of a
soulless McTurd with fries. Still if
someone could construct a decent
rap-rock number maybe some
life could be restored right? Well
these guys haven’t. This is more
rap-metal by numbers. And the
Durst is yet to come… four | a.c.
MESMERIZE
JA RULE FT. ASHANTI | MURDER INC.
This probably says more about
the barefacts music team than
Ja Rule’s artistic credibility,
but in spite of the impact he’s
recently made on both sides of the
Atlantic, this single sat forlornly
on the Media Centre table while
all the CDs around it were picked
out one by one. As a result, the
onerous task of reviewing it fell
upon the last person to be picked
out of the hat – and that person
was me. All I have to say in my
thankfully limited remaining
space is that it sounds like fairly
standard rap/R&B crossover fare,
and is partly redeemed only by
Ashanti’s competent but indistinct
vocals. four | j.d.
NADA
| PIAS RECORDINGS
This dirty lump of sleazy hip-hop
is about how leading excessive
lifestyles can leave you with no
friends. Can’t say I really relate
to that, but it’s still catchy and
original. The best mix on the
single is easily the GC Gold
Remix, with an infectious electro
backing ready to rock your socks.
seven | j.a.
GOLD CHAINS
WONDERING WHY
MJ COLE | TALKING LOUD
MJ Cole (aka Matt Coleman)
has been at the forefront of
the UK garage scene since
its early days of US speed
garage way back in 1996. His
classic production technique
of bumpin funky basslines and
smooth vocals, led him to be
regarded as one of the UK’s
top producers. His new single
Wondering Why sticks to his
4 to the floor style and injects
some much-needed oomph into
the ailing genre. Bring on the
album. seven | j.h.
ABANDONED POOLS
THE REMEDY
Abandoned Pools are the brand
new project from ex-Eels bass
player Tommy Walter. According
to the press release their big indie
rock and killer sound is able to
rival any of Smashing Pumpkins’
greatest hits. A pretty big claim
eh! Well the melody and groaning
vocals certainly show similarities,
but maybe they’re trying to hard.
They just don’t quite pull it off.
five | j.h.
WENDY
| ONE LITTLE INDIAN
Jesse Marlin seems to be more
famous for his friendship with
Ryan Adams than his musical
talents, this surely a crime.
‘Wendy ‘ is a track suited to the
sporting stadiums of the world,
an energetic clap-a-long with
a great vintage feel. If you like
the Marlin magic then check
out Brendan Benson, I’ve been
sent to spread the word, nearly
forgot, this is a Jesse Marlin
single review! ‘Wendy’ is
beautiful. seven | s.b.
JESSE MALIN
REGAINING UNCONSCIOUSNESS EP
NOFX | FAT WRECK CHORDS
The ‘Regaining Unconsciousness EP’ comprises of five tracks, of which four are taken from the forthcoming
album, ‘War On Errorism’. The EP demonstrates just how political NOFX can be. Their opinions on the
current political situation in the USA and further a filed are strong. NOFX may be growing old, but they
sure haven’t lost their ability to write quality punk-rock. This EP is the latest chapter in the life of NOFX,
a story that will hopefully run and run until those guys can’t rock no more. If you don’t purchase this EP,
make sure you get the album out in May ’03, you’ll be missing out otherwise. seven | s.b.
17
MUSIC
1 May 2003
THE HEAVY EP
RELAXED MUSCLE| ROUGH TRADE
IN A WORLD GONE MAD
BEASTIE BOYS | SELF-RELEASED
THROUGH WEBSITE
NEARER THAN HEAVEN
DELAYS | ROUGH TRADE
I hope the promotion for this
single will avoid the “Expect
Delays Soon” idea which sprung
to mind on first hearing the
band’s name. Anyway, Delays
sound a bit like Cast with more
feminine vocals, except the also
sound like Turin Brakes, who
I don’t think sound like Cast
with feminine vocals… The
title track is an airy, vast, yet
familiar, sounding song with a
soft indie sensibility and some
large harmonies in the chorus.
As a song it’d work well on a
summer’s day, it could almost
have been a song spearheaded
by a female solo artist. Way
Smooth, first of the two b-sides,
definitely feels and sounds
very familiar. It would’ve
been nice if the jangly piano
which bookmarks the song
could’ve played a part in the
rest of the song. Over and Out
is a simplistic acoustic number
with no real defining features
apart from the occasional highpitched vocal. Delays sound
competent and the songs are
nice, maybe a bit faceless, but in
the end the single doesn’t sound
like anything new to me, more
re-treading of already trodden
ground. three | n.b
*
Not strictly a release but note
worthy release none the less, In
A World Gone Mad is a track
released by the Beastie Boys
through their website. Basically
it’s the Beastie Boys opinion of
the Iraq situation as a musical
response, they released it early
of their other new material as
they want the song’s message
to be heard. Musically it hasn’t
strayed too far from their last
releases circa Hello Nasty /
Sounds Of Science. It sounds an
awful lot like Alive in structure
and general composition. It’s
still a good song musically with
a nice stop-start tune flowing
through it and ends with a nice
heavy beat. “George Bush you
look like Zoolander, tryin’ to
play tough for the Camera.” It’s
worth a download (4.43MB at
www.beastieboys.com) and a
decent track to boot. six and a
half | n.b.
*
PHILADELPIA FREEWAY
FREEWAY | A ROC-A-FELLA
Freeway is another rap artist from the Jay-Z stable. He has a history of
drug dealing, but has recently decided to refocus his life and begin a
rap career. Each song refers to life in the ghetto, he explains through his
rapping how he changed his life and how hard, but worthwhile it was
to so. Freeway means business, he has collaborated with the likes of
Snoop Dogg, Mariah Carey, Jay-Z and Nelly on ‘On My Own.’ A man
with friends in high places. The first few tracks are great, his lyrics are
interesting, and the beats are of a high quality, but you soon realise that
he just seems to repeating himself. Buy it if you like parrots. five | s.b.
LONG GONE BEFORE DAYLIGHT
THE CARDIGANS | UNIVERSAL
The return of a Swedish band that was ‘the’ well before being ‘the’
was fashionable. Nothing to do with sweaty Kiwis doing AC/DC
impressions however, the cardigans make music for shiny happy
sentimentalists, but this time they’ve drafted in some big name rockers
in the forms of Howlin’ Pele from the Hives and Ebbot Lundberg from
inspired space-rockers the Soundtrack of our Lives. These celebrities
make little impact on the album, which doesn’t ‘rock’ as such, but is a
rosy, organic-sounding affair, slightly country but not excessively so.
This album is essentially a collection of love songs (don’t expect the
pop seduction of ‘Lovefool’ from so many years ago), of which opener
‘Communication’ and single ‘For What it’s Worth’ stand out. Try
before you buy. seven | a.c.
A heavier sound than is expected from the Rough Trade record label
with dark vocals and heavy baseline making up Heavy. The effect is
a whole lot of noise, not in key or ear pleasing makes this title track
disappointing. Verging on dance beats and BRMC blurred vocals
makes Rod Of Iron move into a more promising direction. What is
going on here a single that gets better track after track surely stronger
Branded including slurred chorus and even a xylophone thrown would
have made this a worthier candidate for top slot. five | m.b.
PLAY SOME D
BRASSY | WIIJA RECORDS
Play Some D has recently
been featured in the Motorola
“hellomoto” TV commercials
and apparently this has stirred up
enough interest to warrant this
single re-release. And I, for one,
am glad it did. The title track is
a happy mix of styles with a fair
bit of self-sure attitude – Elastica
crossed with the Beastie Boys is
the best description for it. The
track starts with the catchy organstyle riff and gets driven on by
the strong drum beats and bass
creating a hip-hop-pop-rockdance collision. The B-side are
Here Comes The Style follows
in a similar, albeit in a ‘poppier’
manner with the work of the
bands DJ (DJ Swett) being more
obvious than in the title track.
Also included on the single is
an in-house remix of Play Some
D; which is a more abstract take
on the single with the chorus
sounding part gospel and the
rest sounding like cut-up disco.
Lyrically things are very basic,
the words are sung/rapped out and
all focus on the band’s view of
themselves, which probably won’t
appeal to everyone. However I
think it’s a catchy single worth
checking out. seven | n.b.
albums*
*
THE SOUND OF MOVEMENT
MIXED BY BRYAN GEE
Movement are to the UK
Drum n Bass scene what Pete
Waterman is to pop music.
Their humble beginning in
the small but intimate Bar
Rumba on Shaftsbury Avenue
has allowed them to grow
into a world-renowned name.
With the last CD outing “A
Brazilian Job” typifying the
South American influences
from DJ Marky and Patife at
the time. This new album mixed
by Bryan Gee (V Recordings
owner and Movement founder)
aims to create the current vibe
of the scene in your bedroom.
From fresh dub plates to
smacking bass lines, the DJ
takes you on a smooth yet
refreshing DnB journey. Well
worth the ride. eight | j.h.
18
MUSIC
AWAY FROM THE SUN
3 DOORS DOWN | ISLAND RECORDS
In the press release, 3 Doors
Down are described as having
“Distinctive heavy rock
melodies”. Distinctive, maybe,
but certainly not heavy. The new
album is not much of a departure
from their first, ‘the Better Life’.
The guitar melodies have exactly
the same sound, and it seems that
they are trying to follow in the
footsteps of bore-rockers Creed
by sacrificing original, interesting
music in return for sales. This
is proved by the stand out track
on the album. It’s ‘Kryptonite’
which, incidentally, was the stand
out track on the last album as
well. They’ve tacked it on the end
as a UK ‘bonus’ track. Cheers
guys. six | j.a.
THE SMELL OF OUR OWN
THE HIDDEN CAMERAS | ROUGH
TRADE
albums
This four piece from Canada
use a range of familiar styles
in this hit and
miss album. Ban
Marriage lavishes
in jolly melodies
being upbeat with
joyous overtones
from a choir and
vocals that just
about keep up. A
Miracle relives an
early REM style
with floating lyrics,
twinkling guitars
and backing from a
string quartet. The
Hidden Cameras
cannot be accused
of being one style
and boring but with music that
was at its height many years
ago a revival looks unlikely.
Echo vocals kick in again in
another track you felt you’ve
heard before but reengineered
with lyrics that come and go
without a second glance. On
a more positive note their
musically strong and have bags
of potential with a direction
and that extra quality will
distinguish them from a tribute
band to a band in their own
right. five | m.b.
Unlike many of their American
rock contemporaries Interpol
have chosen to eschew the
rawness of garage-rock in
favour of a more cultured,
post-GCSE sound. The most
immediate reference is lead
singer Paul Bank’s voice and
Ian Curtis from Joy Division,
this is more happy coincidence
than textbook copy; the Interpol
sound is altogether funkier
and more palatable than Joy
Division. A forward-thinker
would suggest it more accurate
to compare Interpol with New
Order as both bands share the
1 May 2003
SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS
PLACEBO | HUT RECORDS
It seems that Placebo are finally
learning the art of putting variety
into an album without half of
the tracks sounding crap. From
the rock instrumental of opener
‘Bulletproof Cupid’ to single ‘The
Bitter End’ and from the superb
‘Special Needs’ to the ballad title
track, we have some excellent
diverse, distinctive material.
Maybe with the exception of one
or two slightly shabby tracks, it’s
definitely worth a listen! eight |
j.a.
>> turin brakes @ brixton academy
>> interpol @ london astoria
same over-energised directness.
Putting this band intro aside,
the gig tonight comprises all the
arrogance and pent up anger of
debut album Turn on the Bright
Lights with a slightly hesitant
crowd. The result was just short of
the performance threatened. The
accomplished and relevant NYC
incited a brief mosh pit as did the
superb Say Hello To The Angels
which has risen even higher in my
estimation after witnessing it’s
live performance
– if you weren’t dancing to the
outro you’re a boring fuck. The
early start to the gig and the large
number of uselessly pretentious
A-level students conspired to
take the edge off the rock ’n’
roll vibe. Concentration was
restored momentarily when the
slow building catharsis of new
song Love at Length filtered
awkwardly among the established
LP tracks – it was interesting but
very apparently from the same
mould as the older songs. More
obvious highlights included a
blistering Stella Was A Diver And
She Was Always Down and the all
conquering PDA which couldn’t
fail to delight the tie-wearing
Interpol cognoscenti. I can’t finish
this review without mentioning
lead guitarist Daniel’s unerring
Elvis-like appearance that held
my friend Michelle and a group
of female art students (probably
CND members) captivated for the
whole set – I suppose it should be
encouraged? Alex Read
I’ve been a fan of Turin Brakes
for quite a while, but have never
been all that convinced about
how their often fragile sound
would work out live. On March
20th, I bit the bullet and went to
see them at their very first show
at their home town venue, the
Brixton Academy. They were
supported by I Am Kloot, who did
a fantastic job, despite the lead
singer introducing the majority
of the songs as being about
disaster! Their minimalist gloommongering, including guest vocals
from Guy Garvey (of Elbow),
provided a superb introduction for
Turin Brakes to follow. The whole
set was generally a showcase for
their two albums, with only three
songs from each album left off
the set list. They started off with
‘Blue Hour’ before launching into
‘The Door’, containing the most
haunting of slide guitar lines. A
powerful blast through ‘Long
Distance’ followed but the best
was yet to come. I never thought
I would ever see a crowd pogoing
in unison to Turin Brakes but by
gigs
far the best song of the night
provided such a sight. ‘Mind
Over Money’ set Brixton alight,
before the flames were fuelled
by the likes of sci-fi throwback
‘Future Boy’ and the final song,
hit single ‘Painkiller’. With
the strobe lit guitar duel of
‘Little Brother’ and the huge
crowd sing along of ‘Underdog
(Save Me)’ as encores, they
disappeared. Not only had the
venue been filled with Olly’s
exquisite vocals and Gale’s
superlative guitar work, but also
an incredible light extravaganza
forming an astounding aural and
visual assault on the mind. After
such an experience, no gig will
be the same again.
Jon Allen
19
MUSIC
1 May 2003
This turned out to be a well-timed
celebration for the White Stripes,
their latest album Elephant
hit the charts at number 1 the
Sunday before and Jack and Meg
White were clearly enjoying the
moment. The crowd enjoyed it to;
when they look back they should
consider themselves fortunate to
have caught a band at the pinnacle
of their career – the Stripes have
upped the rock ‘n’ roll ante with
Elephant. The set was comprised
primarily of new songs mixed
in with older material like Dead
Leaves and the Dirty Ground.
Sadly there was no room for the
highly acclaimed Fell in Love
with a Girl; it was anticipated
that it might appear late in the
encore…alas no, it missed the cut!
Hotel Yorba did its job early on as
a crowd appeaser in amongst new
material. Fortunately the issue of
difficult first plays of songs wasn’t
a problem – a strong indicator of
how fans have taken quickly to
Elephant. Every classic album
needs a defining song as a kind
of musical coup de grace; Seven
Nation Army unquestionably
>> the white stripes
@ brixton academy
fulfils the role. Songs of Seven
Nation Army calibre blew up
Brixton like cheap firecrackers
with every red and white twist
on the rock ‘n’ roll theme.
Ryan Adams nailed it recently
when he said “motherfucker
knows rock ‘n’ roll like sugar
knows ice cream” – he was of
course referring to Jack White.
The Stripes have chosen a
different route to their musical
luminaries by avoiding political
consciousness in favour of
well-crafted rock mini-dramas.
The juries still out on artistic
responsibility but the result
sees the Stripes cleverly sidestepping the whole Massive
Attack/Blur political movement.
I think the Stripes still have
some musical tricks left in the
locker - whereas your Massive
Attacks and Blur are running
a little low, a fact reflected in
their current doctrinaire attitude
to political music making. The
gig was an unmitigated success
with the magical Meg-sung
In the Cold Cold Night as the
highlight. Alex Read
Photo: Patrick Pantano
comp
ns
o
i
t
i
t
e
This week’s
competition is a
bit of a special one: it gives
you the chance to win one year’s
subscription to the brand new
music magazine Bang.
Bang is the rock’n’roll bible
for a new generation of music
fans turned on by exciting new
groups like The White Stripes,
The Strokes and The Darkness.
The magazine is a vibrant
and exciting blend of articles
featuring major acts and new
talent, echoing
and celebrating
the passion and excitement
generated by this music explosion.
Bang’s editors and visionaries
are The Gloom brothers (Crispin
Parry and Danny Ford). They
have previously created the highly
regarded independent magazine
Circuit, album covers, photo
archives, reviews and design for
the music industry and several
other projects in the underground
UK recording and live music
scene. They are also part-time
members of the Polyphonic Spree
choir.
For your chance to win this
fandabidosi prize, answer the
following question:
Q. who are the editors of Bang?
Send your answers to
barefacts@ussu.co.uk. Closing
date for entries is midnight
on Tuesday 9th May. Judges
decision is final and all that.
Clickety-click:
www.bangmagazine.co.uk
>> massive attack @ brixton academy
Doubts relating to how band with
a computer-orientated approach to
music might sound live dispelled
after oh…ten seconds. This was
the edgiest and most emotion
soaked gig I’d been to for a long
time. From the second Future
Proof’s menacing electric beats
kicked in, aided and enhanced by
the awesome Matrix style bigscreen animations, the Brixton
fuse was burnt to a cinder. With
the rug ripped from under their
feet, every member of the crowd
had their empathy emotion
switched to full. 3D’s pressure
and stress of recent months
dissipated slowly - the first songs
in the set felt the full force and
were consequently the highlight.
The singer Dot Allison deputised
for an injured Sinead O’Connor
on lead
single Special Cases. Although
missed Sinead’s replacement has
performed with Massive Attack
on the current tour and proved a
more than adequate replacement
– she also played the support
slot. The playback of country
by country military spending on
the electronic big screen coupled
with weird CND style strobe
lights ensured Massive Attack’s
anti-war doctrine was never
far from thought. This was the
main achievement of the gig - to
continue the anti-war message in a
way that young people can relate
to. The most famous Massive
Attack classics like Unfinished
Sympathy and Hymn of the Big
Wheel were aired as reward to a
loyal if at times reserved crowd.
The gig was a sell out but it was
still fairly easy to get to the front
even after arriving late. Horace
Andy a long time collaborator
with Massive Attack was on
hand to provide his own take on
the band’s sound; unfortunately
his songs tended to detract
momentum and interest that
was only restored with the
reappearance of 3D and Daddy
Gee. The gig was a success
but Massive Attack must reevaluate their direction now
Daddy Gee has returned to
the band. The next record will
hopefully signal the return of a
slightly less neurotic Massive
Attack. Alex Read
>> next week:
beth orton
jessie malin
earl brutus
singles + albums
INTERACTIVE
Who wants to be a millionaire?
well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down
£100: which German city is associated with a round patty of minced beef served in a bun?
a: frankfurt | b: hamburg | c: bonn | d: berlin
£200: what can be ‘right’, ‘acute’ or ‘reflex’?
a: accent | b: lens | c: angle | d: edge
£300: who won the 1967 Eurovision Song Contest with ‘Puppet on a String’?
a: cilla black | b: petula clark | c: marianne faithful | d: sandie shaw
£500: what nickname was given to the stock market crash that began on 19th October
1987?
a: black monday | b: black wednesday | c: black thursday | d: black friday
£1k: Socrates was a famous philosopher in which civilisation?
a: roman | b: greek | c: egyptian | d: chinese
£2k: what is ‘mal de mer’?
a: headache | b: seasickness | c: homesickness | d: vertigo
£4k: which of these modes of transport travels on rails?
a: velocipede | b: wagon-lit | c: luge | d: litter
£8k: which girl’s name was the title of a top ten single for Kool and the Gang in 1984?
a: michelle | b: maria | c: linda | d: joanna
£16k: in which city was the Prophet Mohammed born?
a: jerusalem | b: medina | c: mecca | d: damascus
£32k: which word follows ‘fire’ to give a gas found in mines?
a: dust | b: dog | c: damp | d: dragon
£64k: what was the full first name of gangster Al Capone?
a: alan | b: alfredo | c: alphonse | d: alberto
£125k: what sort of animal is sometimes called a cooney?
a: raccoon | b: rabbit | c: skunk | d: beaver
Al Capone: crime doesn’t pay, kids.
£250k: what would a person suffering from ‘sitophobia’ fear?
a: glass | b: pins | c: food | d: hair
£500k: who lived at Hughenden Manor in Buckinghamshire?
a: charles dickens | b: benjamin disraeli | c: william gladstone | d: thomas hardy
£1m: the word ‘emmet’ is an archaic term for which creature?
a: ant | b: newt | c: young hawk | d: worm
1 May 2003
Kriss-Kross thingymajiggy
iit’s like an already completed game of scrabble, but harder
Aerie
Aided
Alter
Assam
Badge
Clasp
Delay
Eight
Erase
Ethel
Facts
Field
Fixed
Heidi
Iliad
Islet
Issue
Lasso
Magic
Medic
Needy
Niece
Noose
Ocala
Ocean
Paper
Pinto
Press
Pride
Pylon
React
Reedy
Roust
Ruddy
Sends
Sheaf
Spine
Spoon
Stand
Stays
Stony
Strut
Thumb
Thump
Tiger
Toads
Upend
Upset
Usher
Bowing to intense pressure from the fine readership of this newspaper, barefacts
brings you a kriss-kross (or jig-word if you prefer), a puzzle that involves fitting
each of the words below into the grid above. This week’s puzzle has words that
are all just five letters long so could prove quite tricky. That said, when you are
supposed to be doing revision, the human mind would rather pursue any other
sort of endeavour, so you go right on ahead. The answer might be in the paper
somewhere. We hope you like it. Tell us if you don’t and would rather see the
lyrics quiz back. All those in favour of the kriss-kross and a lyrics quiz all at the
same time should remember you cannot have it all. : barefacts@ussu.co.uk
“
20
I can’t seem to find the words
that’s because this is a word search
“
Letting your guard down applies to prisoners
who perform poorly at their chosen sport
Sexy things, wordsearches, if you have a funny sort of brain. Has the
kriss-kross affected your ability to complete the cross word? Do let us
know, won’t you: barefacts@ussu.co.uk
1 May 2003
Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give
a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings
within Battersea Court Rawson…
HI there. In my last 4 years at University I
don’t really think I’ve ever really had any
“all nighters” the day before a project is
due, so just to make sure that I wouldn’t
leave Uni without this valuable experience
I decided to leave 90% of one project, 100%
of another project and about 60% of my
dissertation right until the week they are all
due in. The 90% project went really well,
and I completed on time. The dissertation
is going ok… got about 1.5 days worth of
hours on that… and the Project that is due
in at 5pm this afternoon I started at 3pm
yesterday- and apart from a quick tea, that is
what I have literally been doing till I started
writing this at 6:18am in the AB computer
labs.
THERE is nothing like a bit of pressure to
focus the mind, but I think I’ve learned my
lesson now…… actually I really doubt it…
but hey. The only other annoying thing is
that I have to try and figure out how to exit
a locked building with a campus card that
is snapped in the corner just making the
metallic strip in operable!
Before the holidays I said that I would tell
you my poem that I wrote for Stalker Kate.
Well here it is. Now I’m not that good with
poetry, and I did try and rebel to start with
any write something like “Roses are white,
Violets are violet”… but it wasn’t going
anywhere…. So here is my final tribute to
Stalker Kate:
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
Your watching Me,
And I’m scared of You.
AHHHHH isn’t that sweet… just like this
really nice bee I saw the other day. Now you
know that most bees have yellow and black
bottoms? Well this bee had a deep reddy
orange bottom! How cool was that! Don’t
worry, I know that in nature animals with
red on are poisonous, so I didn’t try and eat
it. I just took a couple of photos instead…
Right. I am now going to snatch a few
hours sleep before I come back and put the
finishing touches to this masterful project of
mine!
chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter
21
LIFESTYLE
L
ife after the womb
words: rich w
Life After the Womb is of course a law-abiding member of society and would never seek to
involve itself in any activity that could involve the heavy hand of the law knocking on its
door and asking for a brief chat concerning its whereabouts on any particular evening. It is
just not the done thing.
That said, the gun amnesty that the Metropolitan police have recently sustained has come
in very handy due a rather unfortunate stash of implements – both sharp and blunt – and
weapons that have been in LATW’s possession for some time now. The story behind them
would be humourous were it not for the tragedy against which their acquisition is set.
As an only child, playing harmlessly on the local grassy area outside the house with only
an imaginary friend to keep this only child company, it was deemed by the powers that
be (who happened to be the parents) that guns were too dangerous to play with. Not just
bb guns, pellet guns and air-rifles you will understand (which is to say the variety of gun
that can actually cause damage), but all types of guns, including, and this is repeated with
a lump in the throat, water-pistols (which is to say the variety of gun that can only ever
possibly get you wet, making them as dangerous as rain). To an only child attempting to
make friends with the other children of the neighbourhood, mainly perpetrated by either
shooting them or trying to kiss them (innocence deeming that it was not always dependent
on gender who was shot and who was kissed), this was somewhat of a disaster and any
concept of social standing went out the window with the replacement yo-yo.
Dissatisfied with the decree of parents, LATW decided to make its own weapons: if it was
not possible to inflict damage of the eau variety on friends then it would just have to be
catapults, pea-shooters and any other sort of home-made kit to create something more of a
dangerous harmful effect on other children.
Before the days of the internet, LATW would like
to think that children were a little more resourceful.
Whereas now it is possible to wander onto eBay or the suchlike and purchase a powerful catapult or pea-shooter from
some unsuspecting adult, in those days a child was left with
nothing but their imagination, their ingenuity and a block
of wood.
And so it was LATW found itself collecting elastic
bands to deliver the sling-shot action and creeping
downstairs in the middle of the night to procure large knives
from the kitchen. Sure enough, after some serious chiselling
away, the
arm of the catapult started to take shape: all that was need now were the ‘bullets’ and
some way of making a suitably elastic sling-shot.
The latter was easily solved: nip in the father’s shed, take out the soldering iron, apply a
bit of heat here and there to the elastic bands and hey presto: a suitably taut and stretchy
sling-shot, complete with cradle to house the missiles before shooting.
The missiles caused a little more of a problem. Not being content with small wooden
balls, and remembering the ideas of replicating as harmful a weapon as possible as the
Gun That Was Not Allowed Be It Water Or Not, small metal ball-bearings were soon made
using various grinding tools, a metal-sander and a compliant mechanic at the local garage
(bought off for completing his son’s coursework tasks).
Thus it transpired that there was a fully working, but much more importantly dangerous
catapult ready to inflict bruises of the most yellow nature on any individual who dared to
address the delicate situation of a lack of water-pistol.
Before setting out to use said catapult, though, looking on the work-bench soon revealed
that the armoury that had been collected in order to make the weapon was much more vast
and much more dangerous than the catapult could ever be: kitchen knives, soldering irons,
ball bearings, angle-grinder, metal-sander etc. All that was really required was a very long
extension lead and terror could be wielded amongst the neighbourhood’s children as freely
Upside-down answers
as Avon ladies.
Which brings us back to the amnesty. Though not technically weapons
WWTBAM: [£100: b]; [£200: c]; [£300: d]; [£500: a]; [£1k: b]; [£2k:
b]; [£4k: b]; [£8k: d]; [£16k: c]; [£32k: a]; [£64k: c]; [£125k: b];
as such, LATW felt that to own such ‘tools’ when it was plausible they
[£250k: c]; [£500k: b]; [£1m: a].
could be used to inflict harm was not on and that to surrender them,
along with the catapult, was the right thing to do.
A funny thing happened when LATW went to the police station, mind:
in the cue behind stood a man in some sort of army uniform with a beret
and moustache. He looked to be in somewhat of a hurry and when it
came to putting down his weapons, he simply handed over a map with
lots of little red crosses on it.
Intrigued by this – and given the commonality of out visits to the
police station – LATW approached the man and asked if he wanted
to go for a drink. He declined, saying he had to meet some friends of
his, whom he would only name as Mr Lucan, Elvis, Robert Maxwell
and some chap called Dirty Den in an apparently secret location in
South America. LATW presumes these to be nicknames and offers no
explanation of the man, who called himself ‘Bob.’
Suffice to say, it is just relieved to have handed over its weapons.
THE fourth Easter ‘holiday’ of
my
University life has followed a somewhat
predictable pattern, despite being rather
more work-saturated than previous years.
After starting relatively well on the dreaded
coursework/revision/project/recital,
I
somehow descended into the normal ‘film
fest’ that seems to take over the lives on
many students each Easter. Several friends
and I have recently managed to devour
around a film a day… X Men, Roadkill, Red
Dragon, and not to mention the horribly
un-scary Halloween Resurrection have all
graced screens across campus, all courtesy
of the reliable Blockbuster machine outside
the Union.
THE
aforementioned
Halloween
Resurrection must take the prize for the worst
supposedly ‘horror’ film I have ever had the
bad fortune to see. How do you rescue a
failing teen-horror film series? Combine
it with the most overused TV format ever
– reality TV! Safe to say, some astonishingly
bad teen actors, a haunted house, lots of TV
cameras made for an absolutely terrible
movie that was something like Big Brother
crossed with Scream.
THOSE who head home during the holidays
will probably be unfamiliar with the
concept of closure week. This takes place
at predictable times, such as between
Christmas and New Year, but this holiday,
the unfortunate late timing of Easter meant
that although closure week was over the
holiday weekend, it was also in the very
last week of the holidays. Now, despite the
good intentions of lecturers, I know very
few people who actually do their work when
it’s set, and for the majority of my final year
friends, the last week of the holidays saw
the typical mad rush to finish projects and
dissertations. But suddenly – there was no
library, postal delivery, bookshop or One
Stop to fuel those hard earned breaks and
more importantly, no Union or Chancellors
in which to seek refuge! Surely whoever
decided when Easter was could have been a
little more considerate and put it right in the
middle of the holidays?!
‘ickle sarah b
23
SPORT & STARS
1 May 2003
Mountain walking society acting a bit shifty in Cornwall
BY MIKE FIELD
almost accurate astrology
because facts and horoscopes are mutually exclusive
Aquarius Despite the constant
references to going home for
Easter, your decision to remain
at university over the holiday
period will result in your mother cutting
down her weekly phone call time to you.
Which is a relief to you.
Pisces Try to be a little more
positive. For example, “don’t
mind if I do” can become “do
mind if I don’t.” People will
appreciate this turn around in your outlook
and offer you many more invitations to
parties that are certainly “not bad” and
perhaps even “really very good.”
Aries Realising that the
Guildford Four were responsible
for the famous attacks on the
very town in which you have
been attending university for the last three
years is commendable, though a little late.
Fear not, most people still think that Mother
Teresa was a fictional character.
Taurus Having watched the
majority of the World Snooker
Championships over the last two
weeks, you will hear in your
head Willie Thorne and John Virgo being
overly-critical of your every action – this
despite the fact they were neither very good
snooker players or have a clue about your
degree subject.
Gemini Developing your
technique for turning over pages
of a broadsheet newspaper in the
confines of your own bedroom
must translate itself to a real-life situation:
buy yourself that travelcard and climb on
the Central Line during the rush hour and
see how you fare.
Cancer Drinking from cans
of carbonated drink that have
been purchased from a dodgy
newsagents/food vendors and
have ‘trink’ written on their side and the
ingredients in an indistinguishable language
is not the best way of achieving your “5-aday” portions of fruit and vegetables. That
said, neither are tins of soup.
Leo Ignoring the fact that
having rolls of toilet paper in
your room is a fair indication
of how you spend your vacant
hours, stuffing used toilet paper down the
cardboard tube is positively not on and poor
practise. Either use your pocket, find the
bin or flush it down the toilet.
Virgo You will recognise a
famous semi-famous person
walking down the street and
decide that, despite not really
being a fan, it is worth going up to try and
get an autograph. The ‘celebrity’ will be
happy to accommodate your request, but
a little less happy to sign the used tissue,
complete with snot globule.
Libra You will develop a
strange urge to talk to your
friends in the language of a
tabloid newspaper headline
writer. Pun away.
Scorpio Developing the
research you have been
working on for the majority
of your school-life, you will
submit a proposal to the government’s
language development department for the
introduction of a 27th letter to the English
language. The only hurdle now is deciding
on a name for the new letter.
Sagittarius Taking advice
from your Piscean friend, your
decision to approach the object
of your affection and ask them
on a date will result in a visit to the local
pharmacy to purchase a suitable deodorant.
Let us hope the activity during the date will
require its anti-perspirent qualities.
Capricorn Before sitting down
to revise for your exams, take
a moment to mark the syllabus
of each of your module in red
ink and hand them back to your lecturers.
This is likely to have a detrimental effect
on your exam marks but will give you good
grounding in the academic appeal.
WARNING: ASTROLOGY OF ANY SORT MAY
SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH
r.w.
AN EARLY DEPARTURE on Friday in the minibus
that hadn’t been cleaned since our last trip
to Exmoor meant that the journey into the
deepest darkest depths of Cornwall (Truro)
was relatively painless, and completed
mostly in daylight hours, even allowing time
for dinner, in the always-delightful-everfamous-for-affordable-good-quality-food
Burger King at the service station.
We arrived at the rather quaint miniature
caravans sadly just a little past closing time
at the local pub. Evan, Mike and Jamie
promptly set about trying to figure out how
the taps worked in the caravan. Eventually
the conclusion was reached that the water
wasn’t connected to the caravans, at which
point we sat around and drank Tesco value
tea until early in the morning….
A fine breakfast was cooked by celebrity
chef Jamie “Oliver” Newman, and Mike
burned substantial quantities of toast.
When sufficient grease had been consumed,
we started walking along the beautiful
Cornwall coastline, a mixture of spectacular
cliff faces, to shale beaches and tiny fishing
towns not yet spoilt by the 21st century and
the tourist industry. Strong sunshine and
a strong breeze made for perfect walking
weather. Naturally, some Cornish pasties
were purchased and consumed, in a small
town called Lizard just beyond Lizard point
but the Pasties were baked some someone
called Sandy, who we didn’t meet, but she
makes very fine pasties, if you ever have
the good fortune of meeting her. We retired
to the pub in the evening, for dinner and
refreshment. The local bitter was sampled;
Gerrans bitter, it wasn’t recommended by
the Barman, and it tasted a bit crap. At which
point the Barman informed me, it wasn’t
even made in Gerrans, but was produced
by an anonymous mass-production brewery.
The food was very, very nice though.
Sunday provided even more entertainment,
with a brief detour through Camelford,
to see if we could spot any of Jonathan’s
ancestors, followed by a walk of the
coastline surrounding Tintagel. Lunchtime
coincided fortunately with a brief rest on a
hidden beach in a small cove. Mike and Pete
bravely (foolishly) decided to go for a swim
in the sea, and came to the conclusion that
it’s still pretty cold in March.
Heading home we realised how lucky we
were to have some amazing weather in one
of the most beautiful areas of the country.
If you would like to join mountain walking,
please visit our website, www.mountainw
alking.org.uk, email us at mountainwalki
ng@surrey.ac.uk or just turn up to one of
our meetings in the TB foyer at 1pm on
Wednesdays.
Surrey rocks the dancing world
BY NATALIE CROPP
LAST SUNDAY SURREY Ballroom Dancing
Society went off to Watford to take on the
best of the rest at the national Inter Varsity
Dance Competition (IVDC). We had 15
competitors entering both Modern and Latin
in the Beginners, Novice and Intermediate
categories.
The day got off to a great start in the
Modern section with the beginners couples
dancing beautifully in the waltz. Next up
were Siobhan and Tony who stormed into
the quarter final in their Intermediate section
and topping off the mornings success were
Nate and Norman in the Novice section,
who made it to the semi final with their
stunning waltz and quickstep combination.
Next up were the Latin sections, out came
the sexy costumes and on went the Surrey
triumphs. The beginner couples did us
proud especially Melanie and Akhila who
>> ski trip report
continued from back page
four feet off the snow, the supposed captain
himself, yours truly, still managed to come
off with a broken collar bone. Nice. Was it
really all worth it? Hell yeah!
A special mention has to go out to our
resident old-skool Bulgarian, who while
sunning himself, watching the countries
finest prepare their skis and squeeze into
their tight, camp, race suits, went on to beat
most of them and get into the top 25 for GS
(Giant Slalom). Nice one Vasco!
Well, yet another awesome week away
from Guildford for the Ski and Board Club
made it into another quarterfinal this time
for their Jive. In the Intermediate section
we had two couples that both held their own
against stiff competition. In the Novice
section Elena and Hiroshi got recalls for
their fab Cha and Jive, and Gemma and
Luke danced their socks off to get a welldeserved 2nd place in their Novice section,
Surrey’s biggest achievement of the day!
The competition ended with the team match
where our A Team made it into the semi finals
in three of the dances, a great achievement
against some tough competition!
at Surrey. Next stop, Summer Session.
Yes there’s still snow, and if riding the sun
drenched pistes in a T-shirt and shades
doesn’t get your mouth watering then what
will...
24
1 May 2003
SURREY PRIDE
Slingers at it again with Ultimate victory at UEA
THE UNIVERSITY’S VERY own Ultimate frisbee
team has done it again this time winning a
full tournament at the University of East
Anglia (UEA). With many of the country’s
best teams concentrating on the regional’s
Surrey took two good teams to Norwich
with hopes high for a top four place.
On the first day we found Surrey red in
the same pool as favourites mythago, and
Surrey blue in the same group as the strong
and experienced Lemour D, so a tough first
day beckoned. The red’s first match against
mythago was a close loss 9-6, but gave
the confidence for the remaining matches,
beating a UEA team and one from a new
Birmingham university team. The blue’s too
lost against the top seeds in their group, but
like the red’s won their remaining matches.
Winning the crossovers, both the red and
blue teams put themselves into the top half
for the second day.
The tough seedings for both Surrey teams
were carried into the second day where
Surrey blue found themselves facing the
top seeds mythago. A victory for blue would
have set the course for a Surrey-Surrey semi
final. Unfortunately it was not to be and
after a difficult game followed with mythago
finally winning hands down. Blue then
BY TREVOR ASKWITH
faced, once more, Lemour D. A stunning
performance by blue meant retribution was
had and they came out eventual winners
with a last minute juggling catch to avoid
sudden death. Winning the final game
against Brunel University put Surrey blue
an impressive fifth out of 14 teams.
Surrey red’s first game was a very tough
match against Lemour D. Having watched
them play Surrey blue the first day Surrey
red knew just what they were up against.
Lemour D looked very worse for ware after
the celebrations of the night before and this
helped red to victory setting them up for
a rematch against mythago. The game of
the tournament ensued with Surrey finally
overcoming their opposition to win a place
in the final. The prior game seemed to take
it out of Surrey red and the final against the
UEA team who finished third in our group,
was a scrappy affair. After red took an early
lead tiredness and errors set in leading to a
final of attrition. Never letting the early lead
slip, Surrey red came out eventual winners
14-10. Winning the final gave Surrey their
second tournament victory in as many
months, as well as a huge trophy.
2000 students, one ski resort and too
many bars: the annual ski trip
WE ARRIVE IN les Deux Alpes greeted with
the sun shining, more snow than you can
imagine for April and we count the some
thirty plus coaches which have carried
the two thousand who were ready for
BUSC ’03. With all these ingredients from
Southampton to Strathclyde, the British
Universities Snowsports Championships
were ready to rock! Now, traditionally, this
annual event is focused around competing in
both racing and freestyle events. However,
with only 600 of the 2000 down to actually
compete we had other plans...
It was all go from the first night, with
the ‘Tequila Stuntmen’ flying, let’s just
say they hit the sinuses and leave the
eyes stinging...and involve tequila, nuff
said. Despite a modest ‘Surrey Pride’
representation, with a couple of guest
members, it didn’t take long for us to make
BY ANDY FARRELL
our mark with some legendary turbo-shandy
fuelled table top dancing, although not all
appreciated Barry’s rather friendly grass
snake. With the first days skiing ahead, we
decided to head back for a couple hours
sleep, well, pole dancing till gone 4am really
takes it out of you!
The week’s ‘Apres Ski’ program varied
from the Beach Party through to riding the
bucking bronco in the rodeo bar, but by far
the favourite was the Bling bling night. Caps
and visors skewed to the side, sleeveless
hoodies two sizes too big and so much
trashy metal round your neck, Mr T would
be jealous!
One could be forgiven for thinking there
wasn’t much skiing/boarding achieved,
however that was far from the case. Not so
much kept down on the white stuff itself it
has to be said, just check out Stav’s tasty
‘mute grab’-don’t ask where they get the
names for these tricks.
With a much needed dump of fresh snow
half way through the week, the aim of the
game was making tracks in the untouched
powder. Confidence grew, too much on
occasion, some pretty extreme escapes were
required when we would find ourselves
considering rock climbing ahead of skiing
as a way of getting back down the mountain.
All was going well. That was until the last
afternoon where we decided to try out rails
in the snow park. Even though the rails were
no more than
continued on inside page
Above: Alumni, staff and students who came together on Wednesday 19th March to play for The Friend’s
Cup at Farnham Golf Club as part of the Surrey Alumni Society’s annual golf meeting. The student team
captained by Kevin Little (and joined by a few staff players) not only won back the cup, but also Law
student Rhys Twomey won the Carew Smith Longest Drive Flask. Pictured l to r: David Gray, Richard
Kennett (Alumni Captain), Rhys Twomey and Kevin Little (Student Captain)
Photo: Jane Cohen
>> Colours ball info
On Friday 16th May it is the 30th Annual
Colours ball – a formal dinner and dance to
celebrate sport at Surrey. All are welcome,
and tickets are now on sale at the Student’s
Union reception between 12-4pm (mon
– fri). They are the bargain price of £45
for participation fees payers and £50 for
everyone else, this includes transport to
the venue, 4 course dinner, wine, vodka
luge, entertainments, and a free photo. The
coaches leave for Savill Court at 6pm, and
the event finishes at 2am!! It’s one of the
best nights of the year so don’t miss out!!
sports@ussu.co.uk