The Wildlife of WoW - Professional Slackers

June 2012 – Issue 3
Take a Walk on the Wild Side!
The Wildlife
of WoW
Feature: Animals of Azeroth
Experience the non-humanoid
side of life in the Wow World.
Plus…
The Lord of Blackrock
Azeroth Real Estate
Revenant Slim Bones
The Undying
Slackers are We Poem
The Azeroth Adoption Center
Pornshire
Sandstone Snapshots
and so much more!
Table of Contents
Feature: WoW World Wildlife
Acknowledgements
Wild World of Wow ……………………………..…………………... 3
When Animals Attack! ………………………………………………. 4
Contributors:
Deathanist
How to Deal With Murloc Infestation ………….……………..7
Hemet Nesingwary ..………………………….………..…….……….9
Eldamar
D.E.H.T.A. Animal Protection ………….……..…...…………….13
Slymestra
Azeroth Adoption Center Pet……………….……..……………..16
Unyaven
Greasy Whale Milk Farmers…………………….……………….. 17
The Revenant Slim Bones ……………………….…………………18
Akiradaisuke
Vandrista
Slackers are We Poem ………………………….….……………….19
29 Days Later ………….………….……………….…………..……….20
Dempserk
Gun Shop Imports Sale ………………………..…….….……….. 22
New Lord of Blackrock ………....…..…………………….…….. 24
Jezieneko’s Drawings ………………………….…………………….27
Sandstone Snapshots …….………..…………………….………. 28
Azeroth Real Estate Listings .………………..…..……………. 29
Pornshire Poem ………………….…………..………..……..………32
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Thanks to all of you for
submitting to the third
issue of “Slacker World
News.” More people are
getting involved… but I
still want more, more…
MORE!!!!!

Whether you hunt them, cuddle them, ride them or desperately try to sneak around them so they don’t eat you,
animals are a big part of life in Azeroth, Outlands and Northrend. From the fierce gray worgs of Grizzly Hills to
the venomous scropids of the Tanaris desert, the Wow world is full of creatures that want to kill or maim you in
horrible ways. But not all animals are bent on destruction!
Brave hunters tame acid-spitting worms and charging crag boars to do their bidding. Most folk have a slew of
companion pets, such as parrots, cats and whelplings that follow them around. Whatever you do and wherever
you go… the world is filled with animals.
Learn about some of these creatures, the people who love them and hunt them and more in this issue.
Slacker World News has more new people submitting
this month … THANKS! I want more still! More! More!
Don’t be shy… don’t think you can’t be included. Send
whatever you can think of that’s WoW and creative.
Next month’s issue will feature articles/stories/artwork
about partying (music, party locations, dancing, drinks,
events) in Azeroth and all the WoW lands. Feel free to ask Irx
questions and submit anything Wow-world related and
creative: funny or dramatic.
Enjoy! and visit WowSlackers.com for more info about
this and future magazine issues.
3
Irx
When Animals
Attack!
“I was just walking along, minding my own business and eating a rhino dog with mustard when it came at me out
of the bushes. Four feet tall it was, with glowing eyes and razor sharp fangs! I didn’t have time to think. Should I
run? Should I play dead? All I had time to do was ask the Light for aid before it was on me!” Ellenora had been
enjoying a vacation in Grizzly Hills. She never expected the worg attack that nearly ended her life.
Sitting in the hospital ward, waiting for our interview with Ellenora, we looked around at the people who came
in injured or ill. Some had been blasted with spells or been in battles where impersonal swords or arrows had
done their work. One gnome appeared to be stuck partially inside a very life-like mechagnome who was wearing
a French maid’s cap and apron. But even more had been bitten, slashed, poisoned or mauled by animals.
From stealthy raptors that hunt in packs to swarms of silithids to shore crabs only intent on self-preservation,
the animals of Azeroth are a dangerous lot. This feature article in Slacker World News highlights some of the
most dangerous – and unexpected – creatures in the whole Wow world.
Baron Rivelgaz of the
Steamwheedle Cartel will
welcome you personally to
Booty Bay.
Enjoy your stay, but stay out of
trouble. Goblins, though quite
welcoming to anyone with coin
in their purse, will have no
qualms about cutting your visit
short if you get out of hand…
or run out of money!
4
Danger! Crazy Crayfish in Dun Morogh
Beware the Jaws that
Bite, the Claws that Catch!
It started out as a nice, chilly visit to
the crystalline waters of a Dun
Morogh lake for these six Slacker
friends. Unyaven was all for stripping
down and jumping in, but the others
opted to keep clothed for their
Northrend Bear plunge, which
benefitted the Home for Aging
Slackers charity.
Laughter and comments about the icy
waters quickly turned to shrieks of
pain and squeals of surprise as the
swimmers were set upon by swarms
of Kharanos crayfish. This hearty
species hunts in packs, and is never
scared off by larger prey.
Help! We got crabs!
Slymestra, Xry, Spacegoat, Unyaven,
Bearneked and Jezieneko jumped out
of the water, trying to shake the fierce
crayfish off as Envy and Cuddles, the
two hunter pets, growled and
snapped at the attackers.
Eventually, all the crayfish lay dead on
the snow and the Slackers returned to
Ironforge to get a well-earned hot
chocolate and to find a dwarf who
knew how to cook gumbo.
5
The Noxious Swarm: Silithids
Deep in the musty tunnels of Silithus, the only
light comes from the orange glow of
phosphorescent insects clinging to the walls. A
whirring sound fills the deepest chamber. I don’t
even have time to draw my bow as I step into
the doorway. Three wasps, three times larger
than me, attack instantly, stingers dripping
poison as they jab them in my direction.
Silithus is as unwelcoming as any part of
Azeroth. Above the hard-packed dirt ground,
deadly scorpions, giant worms and fierce
spiders patrol, on the lookout for food. In the
air above, swarming through giant nests and
under your feet are the real horrors of the
sands. Silithids swarm in horrendous
numbers in Silithus.
Whether they are a race descended from the
Nerubians or created as servants of the
ancient Qiraji, Silithids pose a danger to
anyone foolish enough to venture near. They
aren’t just mindless drones. Silithids display
intelligence in their building, hunting and
defense of their tunnels. Each hive also has a
communication crystal at its core, perhaps
used to receive messages from the Qiraji.
6
How to Deal with a Murloc Infestation
by Dempserk
The sounds of gurgles and indecipherable garble flood the sounds of your property. Animals walk away, impaled on shoddy spears and
coated in fish oil and grimy, gray scales that smell like kodo poop left to stew in the heat of Uldum.
Murlocs. Why did it have to be murlocs?
But, before you go hire a random adventurer to kill ten of them and ten only, here are ten useful tips to consider before emptying your
backpack of gold and gear you were saving for your low-levels.
1. Murlocs are not susceptible to small amounts of fire.
Centuries of evolution have rendered them amphibious, and therefore immune to fire. Also, odds are they’ve set up a camp near water,
so if they are soaked in oil and set ablaze, they’ll run into the water. Hellfire, however, is undergoing patenting to become a useful antimurloc weapon.***
2. Murlocs have limited shamanistic capability,
which means that turning one into a frog is not going to intimidate the others into running away. They are aggressive creatures from the
beginnings of Azeroth, not silly Gilnean kaniggits. However, zapping them with lightning, much like hellfire, has proven to be an
effective murloc cure. The only question is: do you like your murloc well done or burnt to a crisp?
3. Murloc tactics can be turned against them.
Archery and shaman magic are the most effective, as murlocs have weak hides. Intimidation and psychological warfare techniques can
also be considered. The author advises against this, as it only works when the entire tribe is outnumbered, and odds are you’re not
going to get fifty of your friends to charge at them with makeshift weapons yelling in indecipherable gibberish. But, if that’s your cup of
tea…
4. Murlocs need to live near a water source.
The amphibious nature of a murloc needs that murlocs
need to live near water to survive. If the water source can be drained,
such as a decorative fish pond, swimming pool, or bathtub,
do so. Nine times out of ten, the lack of water will force the
murlocs away. The tenth time, they just die.
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5. Murlocs are affected by the Scourge Plague.
If you can get your hands on any, Light forbid, it may be useful. However, you’re probably infect the entire land (which is bad, unless
you’re the Lich King). Most diseases, such as the common cold, Gnomish flu, chicken pox, and Plague Strike will finish murlocs quite
easily, as their immune systems are only meant to deal with waterborne disease.
6. Murloc strategy is easily out maneuverable
Murlocs tend to attack in a blind charge, regardless of danger or any casualties sustained in an attack. Common counterattacks
strategies include flanking, guerilla warfare, and a very large line of archers to give them a taste of their own medicine.
7. Murlocs can be starved out.
The diet of a murloc is primarily fish and whatever tends to walk in their encampment. Without a food source, with little to no
knowledge of agriculture, the murlocs will either starve or leave in search of new territory.
8. Murlocs hate other murlocs.
The xenophobic nature of a murloc does not allow them to associate with other murlocs. However, introducing a new murloc tribe into
the vicinity of another is asking for a murloc turf war that could potentially last months, not a solution of using murlocs to get rid of
murlocs.
9. Murlocs can be intimidated.
Not the same as out strategizing or scaring them out with numbers, murlocs can be scared out like a bad case of the hiccups. The most
common solution is to terrify infant murlocs, and then when they grow up they will run away faster than a Tauren that just saw a
mouse. The author advises against this, as this is a long-term strategy that takes years, not a few weeks.
10. Some murlocs can be reasoned with.
This should be your primary strategy. Some are after food, others land. If possible, try to use diplomacy prior to committing genocide.
Aim before you shoot. If you walk away with spears in your bum, then see strategies Number 1 through Number 9.
***Being able to use and control hellfire generally involves a pact with demons of the Burning Crusade. If selling your soul to demons
whose aim is to eliminate all life to ‘remake’ the universe is what you feel like doing, please, go right ahead. As a Light-fearing citizen,
I would have no choice but to inform the paladins of the Argent Crusade to kill you.
8
A Hunter’s World
The Life and Times of Intrepid Hunter
Hemet Nesingwary!
When I first laid eyes on Hemet Nesingwary, I
said to myself, “Now here’s a dwarf that can
get things done.” Advancing years haven’t
slowed him down or made him soft. His head
may be bald and his beard gray, but Hemet
still has the strength of a kodo and the
cunning of a hecklefang hyena.
Hemet Nesingwary began his rise to fame as
a war hero in his younger years. His bravery
and honor led him to protect three orphaned
Winterspring cubs from human hunters. This
act started his life as a hunter as well, but one
who respects the power of nature and all her
creatures.
Author of “The Green Hills of Stranglethorn”
and various unpublished sonnets, Hemet is an
intelligent man. The books describe his days
hunting in Stranglethorn alongside his trusted
servant and proofreader Bamil Stonepot,
Ajeck Rouak, whose father fought with
Hemet in the wars, and S. J. Erlgadin, a noble
who renounced his title as Count after the
House of Nobles betrayed the Stonemason’s
guild who helped rebuild Stormwind. The
stonemasons reformed as the Defias
Brotherhood, but there is no evidence S. J.
has any ties to that group.
Intrepid hunter or brutal murderer? Hemet
Nesingwary has gotten a lot of attention over
the years from both fans and foes. From his
humble beginnings hunting tigers and
crocolisks in Stranglethorn to his glorious
defeat of rampaging mammoths and fierce
rhinos in Northrend, Hemet Nesingwary has
achieved greatness… but at what cost?
9
Stranglethorn
Hemet
Nesingwary Jr.
His father’s son…
No more tagging along on his father’s hunting trips for Hemet Nesingwary Jr! When Hemet Sr. wanted to travel to the
more exotic locations in Outland and Northrend to hunt the formidable prey there, he left his son in charge of the
Stranglethorn operation. Hemet Jr. seems well suited for the task. He bears a remarkable resemblance to his father,
right down to the style of his clothes and the design of his rifle, though Hemet Sr. prefers the double-barreled variety.
“I’ve always respected my Da,” Hemet Jr. said in a recent interview. “For a while in my rebellious teenage years I
thought… well... maybe a baker or herbalist… but once you bag your first kill, there ain’t no goin’ back.”
10
Nagrand
The Nesingwary Safari has moved
to Nagrand in Outland, settling at
the western edge due to
mechanical aircraft failure and a
crash landing by undead pilot
Marsha. Shado “Fitz” Farstrider,
tauren, Harold Lane, human, and
Kristen Dipswitch, gnome, make
up his entourage. Harold Lane
appears to be a bit of a slacker,
claiming fake injuries. Kristen is
often away from camp hunting
up skins for her collection.
Nagrand provides extreme hunting challenges for Hemet Nesingwary, his crew and any other folk who happen along with
a taste for bloodshed. Fierce wind rocs, such as Gutripper, swoop and strike at your head as you walk between the trees.
Majestic talbuk with, Bach’lor at their lead, graze in the shade… their arching horns a prize for any hunter’s lodge to
display. The wandering clefthoof, including the massive cow Banthar, are prizes for their thick fur and tasty giblets.
The ultimate prize for Nesingwary’s safari in Outland is Tusker, a huge white elekk that wanders the land. Above all else,
Hemet craves her tusks for his trophy case.
11
Sholozar Basin
We find Hemet Nesingwary again in the steamy
Northrend jungles of Sholozar Basin along the
banks of the Seabreach Flow river. The ship he
arrived in is nothing more than scattered rubble
all along its banks. His camp has all the comforts
of home, plus many more assistants and camp
followers than he’s had in the past.
Drostan tests his new accurate rifle on Lucky
Wilhem in the picture to the right. Let’s hope the
gnome lives up to his name.
This camp also houses Grimbooze Thunderbrew
and his assistant “Tipsy” McManus, who are using
exotic Sholozar fruits to create new drink
sensations.
Happy
Hunting!
12
D.E.H.T.A.
Druids for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
D.E.H.T.A., a druid organization loosely aligned with the Cenarion Expedition, sets up camp in the
Borean Tundra region of Northrend, a hot-bed of poaching and hunting activity. Welcoming both
night elves and tauren to their ranks, some consider them an extremist group. Their mission
statement is to protect the animals from death and exploitation, but their methods are sometimes
questionable.
While any hunters are on their kill list, they offer rewards for the death of Karen “I don’t caribou”
the Culler, Nedar, Lord of the Rhinos, and Clam Master K. Anyone intent on killing the creatures
near their camp had better beware. Even killing a ground squirrel or tundra rabbit will bathe you in
the creature’s blood. D.E.H.T.A. operatives will descend on you like a pack of… well… bears or cats.
Druids in the organization are eager to talk about their mission and grow suspicious of any
questions about their more brutal methods. Ysiel Windsinger, leader of the Cenarion Expedition in
Zangarmarsh, refused to comment.
13
Fighting Poachers
Poachers are a huge
problem for the wildlife in
the Borean Tundra. Horde
and Alliance folk work
together to pursue game,
brutally hack off any part
that can turn a profit and
escape detection by
D.E.H.T.A. members. In this
picture, an orc and dwarf
work together to take down
a majestic stag. The dwarf
is bathed in the poor
creature’s blood. The stags
antlers will be used for
decoration or in sketchy
love or battle potions.
Some folk, however, question the methods
D.E.H.T.A. uses to stop poaching and trapping.
Is murder an answer? Are the druids of the
organization bathed in just as much blood as those
who slit the throats of animals in the area? Is
collecting ears of their enemies any different than
a hunter collecting antlers or hooves? What
lengths will they go to in order to protect their
four-legged friends?
Since D.E.H.T.A. is all druids, folk who turn into
animals at will, there are those who suspect
questionable activities between the druids and the
animals they swear to protect. Is there something
more than animal protection going on? Reporters
tried to question a few deer and mammoths, but
they, apparently, don’t want to be quoted.
Sweet baby mammoths suffer in vicious traps
set by the poachers of the Borean Tundra.
D.E.H.T.A. operatives rescue up to 12 baby
mammoths each day, and sabotage all the other
traps they find.
14
D.E.H.T.A. Public Enemy #1
Wanted: Hemet Nesingwary
For Crimes Against Nature
Artist's rendition of "The Extinctionator" in his natural habitat:
The burning hellfire of the underworld.
Last wildlife holocaust location: nagrand, outland
Also know as: the great game hunter, the butcher of badlands, the Stranglethorn tipper, old man
death, Hemet, Nessie, ol' dirty, ol' dirty D, father of the bounty, the Extinctionator.
15
Azeroth Adoption Center
AAC Pet Profiles by Vandrista
The Hyacinth Macaw is this month’s Featured Companion
from the Azerothian Adoption Center. This rare but
beautiful bird is seen with its owner Pyaar.
It can be found with Pirates or in the lovely adoption center.
Find all the latest rare pets and companions at the AAC.
Next Month’s Featured Pet: Baby Blizzard Bear!
16
Greasy Whale Milk Farmers
Greasy whale milk, considered a delicacy, is one of the most powerful
mana regeneration drinks available in Azeroth. Originally from the chilly
Northrend seas, the purity and source of greasy whale milk has
changed since its discovery as a beneficial draught.
For the best greasy whale milk, buy
straight from the original source: the
Tuskarr people of Northrend. Their
collection method has been passed
down through the generations.
Hearty Kalu’ak swim for days near a
lactating whale, making soothing
whale calf sounds, until she is eager
to let them milk her. After collection,
they bless the whale and feed her a
few ceremonial fish before returning
to process and package the greasy
whale milk. A much better product
results.
If you want quality, and maximum mana regen, never buy whale milk
bottled by humans. Their collection methods are often brutal and
sometimes they get it completely wrong. What you think might be
greasy whale milk might be some other white fluid.
17
The Revenant Slim Bones
by Slymestra
Bones was created in Undercity and started the
”Temple” in a walled Orc base in Azeroth. He was a
charismatic speaker and soon had many followers.
Bones and his followers later moved to The Sunken
Temple in the Swamp Of Sorrows, and then finally
settled in Dhyanna.
The incident in Dhyanna ranks among the largest
mass suicides in Azeroth history, though most
likely it involved forced suicide and/or murder.
Over 200 children of mixed origin were murdered
at Bonestown, almost all of whom were forcibly
made to ingest ”Whale Nipple Milk” and ”The
Cookies” by the elite Temple members.
In the aftermath of this atrocity, it was later
learned that all of the ”Temple” followers had
given their life savings to Bones, and in the pile of
the dead, Slim Bones and many of his elite guards
bodies were never found. This has prompted a
worldwide search for Bones. In charge of the
investigation is Lieutenant Horatio Laine.
But in the midst of all this chaos, one young child
was found alive among the bodies of the
“Damned”….
The Revanant Slimton ”Slim” Bones was
the founder and leader of the ”Peoples
Temple of The Damned”, a non-racial cult
which is best known for the mass suicide
of 909 ”Temple” members in Bonestown,
Dhyanna, near Zul’Mashar in the Eastern
Plaugelands.
To Be Continued…
18
Slackers Are We
Poem by Unyaven
Professional Slackers are we,
Ragnaros our quest to kill Thee.
Seafood feasts, and Broiled Dragon,
It looks like our DPS is really laggin’.
Sulfuron Spire, Our plans are made.
Our Leader forms a 10 man raid.
Our mage set off the Magma Trap,
With Healers stunned, that was that.
Trash mobs first, Let’s clean this place,
When Shannox comes, We’ll need space.
We’ve lost our Pally and Kings Might,
That’s a wipe, let’s reset this fight.
Your armor is Sundered, Lord Ryolith.
You stomped in your own Magma pit.
One more try, to down this guy.
If we can’t do it, for the night goodbye.
Downed Beth’Tilac and Alysrazor,
No need to fight you anymore.
Our healer has DC’d
And adds cannot be CC’d
Ragnaros we quest to end your life,
Now we are here, let’s start this fight.
For now we let Thee be,
Call it a night and get some sleep.
Your minions’ trials we have passed,
Phases learned, your life will not last.
Professional Slackers are we,
Ragnaros our quest to kill Thee.
You swing center, you swing right,
We quest to slay you Night to Night.
19
The Undying
by Irx
Day One: Smoke on the Wind
Day Two: The Quarry
Ilthivar came in for supper today with leaves in his
hair and a faraway look in his eye. I hadn’t seen
him look like that since the week before Deathwing
came. He can see things these humans we live
amongst can’t see.
We rode out late in the day, preferring dusk and
dark as always, but early enough to track the smoke
that drifted across the farmland. It hung heavy in
the still air. Near the Gold Coast quarry, we reined
in our sabercats.
We picked raspberries to eat with cream for
dessert. Deep in the berry patch, sucking on a
scratched finger, I heard Nevaria call my name.
“Look,” she said, and I looked.
“Elune save us,” Ilthivar whispered as we gazed at
the scene below. A dozen skeletal figures gathered
near a small campfire, crude weapons nearby. The
farms on the other side were charred ruins.
Smoke on the wind. Enough smoke to darken the
sky over the shoreline. Had the farmers finally
given up and set fire to their fallow fields? Was
there an uprising?
Without a sound, he readied his bow and drew an
arrow from his quiver. I scanned the scene below,
my silver eyes narrowing.
“Ilthivar, no.” I put a hand on his arm not a moment
too soon. I pointed.
“Let’s get inside,” Nevaria said, and grabbed at my
hand as if I was ten instead of in my fourth century.
More undead swarmed in the shadows under the
trees…. two dozen… three. More approached from
the west, carrying packs and other gear. One called
a soft greeting to another in their vulgar tongue and
they fell to talking in low voices.
She told Ilthivar about the smoke as she spooned
the berries into bowls. “Could it be the rebels
again?” she asked.
He shook his head. “It’s different this time. It’s
something the human’s never expected.” But he
couldn’t say any more.
“We must tell the human king,” I whispered, and
we turned our cats silently and rode off into the
coming night.
20
Day Three: Stormwind’s Night
Day Four: Unwary Scouts
The look Ilthivar gave me as we rode through the dark
under the trees of Elwynn told me all I needed to know.
Even before the gates of Stormwind came into view I
knew what we would find there.
We returned to Westfall before dawn. There was no one
to help in the city, no one to warn about the undead
massing near the shore. If any still lived, hidden in some
dark basement, they already knew what happened and
they were as powerless as we to stop it.
No guards called a greeting from the towers. No weary
merchants prepared camp in the fields surrounding the
gate. Silence reigned. The city was dark, save the evil
red glow that still emanated from Deathwing’s claw
marks on the stone.
Nevaria welcomed us with news of undead ranging
through fields by day, taking animals and gathering wood.
Under cover of darkness, she had gathered a good store
of food and herbs for healing.
And then the smell hit us. Ilthivar lifted his cowl to cover
his mouth and nose. My mount growled low in its
throat. It reeked of death and things long dead.
But I couldn’t just stay locked in the house and wait to see
if we would be spared or not. At night, I ghosted out into
the fields, moving from one patch of cover to the next, till
I again looked down into the quarry.
“We must see if any live,” he murmured. We padded
slowly down the dark street, our long ears straining for
any sound.
Nothing had changed. The undead still crowded around
low fires or slept in the dark under the trees. I watched
for a while, then turned toward home.
Trade district was the site of a slaughter. The stench of
blood and rot lay thick in the air. We picked our way
between body parts and bones. A blonde human child
still gripped a Grindgear gorilla toy. Her belly had been
torn open and her arm wrenched from her body.
I heard no snap of a twig or rustle of cloth, but as I
approached the old wagon movement caught my eye.
One of the foul undead stepped from the brush. My heart
leapt into my chest and forgot how to beat.
“It is too late,” he whispered. Silence was his only
answer.
“Night elf,” he said, his deep voice softer than a breath on
the wind. We stared at each other across the space of a
few minutes. I knew I should attack and end this
abomination but, just as my fingers twitched toward the
dagger at my side, I realized he was silently weeping.
Continued in July’s Issue
21
Boomstick Imports East
SALE!
Free ammo!
Whatever your shooting needs,
Boomstick Imports has you
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hunting or into a battle with a
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elves use. Be a real man!
Single barrel? Double barrel?
Quintuple barrel? Shoot more,
shoot often, shoot everything!
Crafted by the top dwarf gun
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guns will never let you down.
Many models have added
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special on goblin pyrotechnics
this week!) and gnomishdesigned accurate sights.
If you want to kill something…
this is the way to do it!
Boomstick Imports East can be found in the
Come on down to Boomstick
Gun Imports and get ready to
kick a whole truckload of ass.
Old Port Authority shops at Booty Bay.
22
Gun shop sale idea by Deathanist
”Smart” Hunter Tips
by Deathanist
Don’t Be This Hunter:
”There’s a crocolisk up-ahead… one of
the most dangerous wild animals in all
of Azeroth…
I’m gonna go poke it with a stick.”
(Only a blood elf would be this dumb.)
Slacker News
Visit the website WowSlackers.com for info
about the guild, a real life and toon picture
gallery, contests page, forum and all the
rules about who gets to go on raids and
how we roll for loot.
Also see past issues of this magazine and
submit for future issues.
New: the Slacker Store! Show your guild
pride with Professional Slacker t-shirts,
tote bags , thongs :P and mugs.
Squirrel Pic by Jezieneko
How many Worgen Druids does it take to chase a cat up a tree?
Three!
One to be the tree, one to be the cat, and one to be the Worgen.
23
New Lord of Blackrock
by Akiradaisuke
The air was still in the chamber lain into the side of Blackrock Mountain. A large skeleton of a dragon lay piled near the edge,
overlooking both the burning steppes and the searing gorge. The bones of Nefarian were nearly as intimidating as the dragon
himself. Trauk sat kneeling beside the throne that once belonged to the mighty dragon, but was now occupied by another.
Veina, a once believed docile individual, had snatched Nefarian’s empty throne immediately following his death. He wore green
and brown armor, with wooden horns serving as a makeshift crown. The sight betrayed everything except that of a ruler, much
less a ruler of such a dark place. On the arm of the throne sat a young night elf woman named Eldamar, wearing purple and
orange armor following the old design of the Dragonstalkers, with small, draconian heads for shoulders and scale armor
recreating the look of a small purple dragon.
Neither of the two had Trauk ever guessed would have desired power, especially such power over a broken, shattered, and
darkened kingdom. Trauk doubted that even his brother Akira would have guessed as much, and yet here he knelt, ready to
serve. All three of them found great irony in his presence, his armor matching that of Deathwing’s the father of Nefarian and
yet now ”Deathwing” was a servant to the Blackrock, to Veina, and a lesser extent to Eldamar.
”It would appear that taking the throne was truly the only excitement to be had here, with Nefarian, Onyxia, Sinestra, and
Deathwing all rotting somewhere there’s no one to challenge us” Veina finally spoke the hint of a sigh. Eldamar’s cat Frost
yawned and stretched, a silent agreement.
Silence followed for another few moments, until Eldamar suddenly shifted her gaze from the sky to the gate hidden behind the
pillars in the middle of the room, Frost also seemed to perk up and moved to stand by Eldamar, ”We have guests”, she said.
Trauk remained where he was, kneeling, half gazing at the floor, half gazing at the vast room laid out before him. A small group
of mixed races walked in, three humans, three elves, two gnomes and two goblins all approached the throne. From where he
knelt he immediately recognized their robes, they were silver and black and they held no weapons and no sign of armor. They
were black dragons.
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When they were but ten yards from the throne they paused, and a gnome walked forward. She stomped her foot and cast
glares at the three of them ”How DARE you place yourself upon the throne of our lord!”
Veina found this quite amusing, as he laughed and waved a hand at the bones nearby, ”Your ’lord’ lies rotting in the corner
over there along with the a goodly portion of your kin who tried to assist him”. Trauk could hear the venom and delight in his
words, and it made him wonder about the man he had assumed Veina to be. ”But you are not here to argue technicalities or
facts with me are you? The simple fact of the ten of you showing up means you hope to overpower us yes?”
The gnome once again stomped her foot and then ten of them changed from their guises and took on their black dragon
bodies. Some were bigger than others, the biggest was the very gnome who stepped forward to speak, coming to about half
the size of Nefarian himself, ”Yes, the throne will once again belong to the black dragonflight!”
Veina frowned then and waved his hand at the dragon assembled before him, ”Do with them what you will, but pay in mind
this room must be kept tidy”.
Trauk changed from his position of kneeling and quickly drew the axe he stole from Nefarian and threw it at the largest
dragon. She shifted her position enough so the axe sailed past, but it did not miss, it was too fast and managed to clip the side
of her neck. A frustrated roar followed and she dove at the throne. Frost leap past her as Eldamar drew her bow, whispering
under her breath ”Close your jaws and judge, Vishanka”.
Trauk reached to his back and drew a sword he had also taken from Chrommagus, a draconic core hound who stood as the
final defense for Nefarian. The blade was purple, black, and silver, and gleamed like a fang ripped fresh from the mouth of the
large beast. He leapt forward, hearing Eldamar whisper under her breath, chanting the name of Vishanka and Kiril, invoking
the dark powers of weapons tainted by Deathwing. Veina sat back, occasionally snapping his fingers, sending a bolt of golden
light sailing towards the group of dragons.
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The fight became a blur, as it always did, and Trauk’s mind became unfocused as he swung and blocked and parried,
moving seamlessly between the dragons. They swung and they slashed and kicked and they clawed, but were always met
with a large metal spike from his shield, a sharpened edge of his sword, an arrow with shifting glows, or an orb of golden
light.
His body stopped, mid swing, ready to deliver the killing blow to the final dragon. His eyes cast around, wondering what
could’ve stopped him. A dark rune lay on the floor, just underneath his right boot, a black aura seeping up and wrapping
itself around his red, fiery armor. He panicked, and realized the snapping and whispering had stopped. He cast his eyes
back towards the throne to see that similar dark runes and black auras had captured Veina and Eldamar, leaving them all
helpless. He swore under his breath, cursing himself for walking into such an obvious trap.
The final dragon stood up, betraying his previously weakened appearance and laughed. Rather than gloat or make prethreats of doom, he immediately turned his attention to Trauk and glared, with a wicked grin crossing his mouth, ”None
shall wear the armor or guise of our father! Least of all you!” A large claw swung at him, striking him square in the chest
and breaking the hold of the rune as he sailed off into one of the pillars, smashing through it and landing heavily on the
floor. He heard the dragon laugh once more and saw him approach once more.
Trauk forced himself to his feet but was met with a swat from the dragon’s tail, sending him flying once more across the
floor. This was it, this was how he was going to die. He knew no one would find their bodies up in this forgotten place, their
bodies would rot away, unable to be brought back by any skill of magic. He closed his eyes, cursing himself once more, and
felt the crushing weight of the dragon’s claws. And the world went black, blacker then when his eyes were closed, for now
there stood an eternal emptiness, a feeling of surrender and abandonment of all hope.
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Artwork by Jezieneko
Sandstone Snapshots
Journey Around the World with Akira, the Sandstone Drake
Akira and Irx catch some far
off worlds in the sky as they
pass through Nagrand.
Akira and Smitty help a
poor little dwarf with a
quest as they pass by.
Brazie's place for zombies
and veggies.
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Real Estate For Sale: Ravenholdt
All real estate listings by Eldamar
Ravenholdt:
Location: Alterac Mountains
COST: 160kg
A particularly grand and lordly facility; this stone compound has been serving as headquarters for a
band of assassins for years (watch out for trap doors and such).
Includes a large quart yard, several large halls, a dining room, a basement for hatching eggs or storage,
and a spacious balcony! Also included is a small additional storage room at the top of the spiral
staircase in the tower.
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Elsewhere on the property we have a
field for growing food or herbs which the
self-reliant type will love. There is also a
well.
A small staging area off to the side has
been used for training but could easily
be used for something else such as
entertaining, ceremonies, or any form of
large gathering (perhaps even some mud
wrestling *wink*).
After all the business with the black
dragonflight and what not, the property
is being sold as none of the previous
inhabitants are interested in returning.
Call Today
for a Tour!
1-800Eldamar
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Real Estate For Sale: Turtle Dock
All real estate listings by Eldamar
Turtle Dock:
Location: Lordamere Lake
COST: 65kg
Small but functional. This one room lake front home is great for those on a budget. You get enormous bang for
your buck!
Just off shore of a positively lovely lake, this home is great for a little weekend getaway or for everyday living. You
will thoroughly enjoy all the activities to be had here, from fishing off the dock to just lounging around in the sun.
The interior includes a large redbrick fireplace and a small dining table (no bed included).
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*Pornshire*
A poem by Irx
He grew up in Westfall
way out by the coast
he hunted coyotes
and cooked goretusk roasts.
He waved his hand to the right
toward some broad wooden stairs
and Wow! what came toward him
in singles and pairs.
It didn't take much ale
to make him reel, his sight blurry
some rogue slipped him a gold piece
and told him to hurry.
His family farmed hops
for brewing and sale
his Pa made him pick it
but hid all the ale.
He saw mageweave pants once
in a scroll his pal found
that his Dad had kept hidden
in a box underground.
A night elf and two draenei
taught him a lot that day
He lasted as long as the gold
then was sent on his way.
One night, in the dark
when Ma and Pa snored
He packed Old Blanchy's bag
and crept out the door.
But scratched drawings on scrolls
even that old gnomish photo
did not do justice
to that Goldshire show.
The thoughts that kept him company
on the road to Stormwind city
were a lot better than hops farming
boars, coyotes and self-pity.
He walked through the night
(the gnoll calls were freaky)
When he reached Elwynn Forest
He knew he was free.
At dawn's first light
road-weary and sore
He came to a town's inn
with Goldshire on the door.
No one was around
it was as quiet as a tomb
He pushed open the door
and entered the room.
The bartender looked up
from polishing a glass
"What'll ya have, friend?" he said
Some ale, rum... or a lass?
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I want to thank all the Slackers who contributed to the third issue of “Slacker World News.” I
had fun putting this little ‘magazine’ together, but hope many more people submit stuff in the
months to come. Thanks especially to all the contributors who sent in artwork, stories,
screenshots, ads and everything else.
Deathanist – Akiradaisuke – Slymestra
Eldamar - Vandrista - Unyaven - Dempserk
Things without a name near them were created by me, just so you know who to blame. :P
Glad more people are getting involved with the mag. I’d love more people to get involved.
“Slacker World News” July issue is in the works!
Please come to the guild website and click on “Magazine” in the top menu and read
about what I’m trying to do here, and submit stuff! Each monthly magazine has a
theme, which can be loosely used to submit anything!
July is dedicated to partying and wild times in Azeroth and the surrounding lands. Think
dancing, music, drinks and hot locations. Send in anything you think fits.
Other things will be accepted for submission as well. We’ll always have jokes, artwork,
stories, poems, parodies and whatever else the Slackers can come up with.
WowSlackers.com
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