Calm - Oak Meadow

Living
ISSUE 119 WINTER 2015
A PUBLICATION OF
Education
OAK MEADOW
Chaos
& Calm
The Merry Mess of Siblings
In this issue: Littlest Learners • Signs of Spring • Power of Peeps and Peers • Homeschooling
Multiples • Chore Wheels • Leader or Bully • Seeing the Soul • Media Literacy • Puppet Stage
Chaos
Content
4
Littlest Learners
by Rebecca Pickens
9
Earth Cycles: Signs of Spring
12
Power of Peers and Peeps:
Home Educating an Only
by Nina Kilbride Sheehan
16
Homeschooling Multiples
by Lawrence Williams
18
Chore Wheel
22
Leader or Bully: A Look at
Parenting Power
by Devyani Borade
26
Seeing the Soul: An Excerpt
from The Heart of Learning
28
Juggling Act: Meeting the
Varied Needs of
Homeschooled Siblings
by Sarah Baughman
30
Curriculum Spotlight:
Media Literacy
32
Recommended Resources
34
Craft: Puppet Stage
Living
Education
& Calm
The Merry Mess of Siblings
When we set out to create an issue around
the topic of siblings, we knew we wanted
to acknowledge the inherent chaos and
messiness of life with children, not just an
idealized version. In this issue, you’ll find
ideas for including your youngest family
members in your homeschooling day
(“Littlest Learners”) and how to provide peer
interactions for families who are raising only
children (“Power of Peeps and Peers”). Our
article on bullying (“Leader or Bully—A Look
at Parenting Power”) may provoke some
thoughtful introspection. As parents, we may
find ourselves slipping into habits that go
against our vision for productive, supportive
parenting, and, as with everything we do,
young eyes are watching and taking note.
In “Seeing the Soul” (an excerpt from The
Heart of Learning), Oak Meadow’s co-founder,
Lawrence Williams, explains an exceptionally
helpful mindfulness practice that can help us
see past difficult behaviors and into the heart
of our children.
While we can’t guarantee a fuss-free
household, we hope this issue of Living
Education gives you a handful of new tips to
try and a little inspiration along the way.
A publication of Oak Meadow
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info@oakmeadow.com
visit us online at www.oakmeadow.com
LIVING EDUCATION is the educational journal of Oak Meadow and welcomes submissions
from our readers. Send all inquiries and submissions to livingeducation@oakmeadow.com.
We look forward to sharing your story!
We’d love to hear your thoughts! Email
Managing Editor DeeDee Hughes at
dhughes@oakmeadow.com and let us know
what you think of Living Education.
3
littlest
LEARNERS
by Rebecca Pickens
Homeschooling my young sons, ages 3, 6 and
8, brings deeper joy than any adventure I’ve
experienced before. Although no two days are
alike, we’ve established a nourishing rhythm to
our hours together making learning of all kinds
meaningful and rich. When people unfamiliar
with homeschooling incredulously ask, “How do
you do it?” they are often reacting to the range
of ages that I homeschool. “What do you do
with the three-year-old when the older boys are
learning?”
It is a question I’ve often asked myself and
I’ve realized that even the very youngest family
members are cognizant of an absence of
meaningful “work.” My youngest son, Walden, challenges our homeschool routine when his heart
and intellect aren’t being tended to in the same mindful manner as his brothers’.
In the interest of exploring a new math concept or practicing piano with older siblings, it is so
very tempting to distract little ones by pulling out items for the sole purpose of keeping them
busy. I now see this as similar to assigning older children worksheets to kill time while waiting
for their peers to catch up. No one likes busy work. Each of us, regardless of age, wants
assurance that our time is filled with purpose and intention. The toddler is no exception. In fact,
toddlers more than most anyone, intuitively recognize the value of seizing learning opportunities
wherever they may appear. Toddlers don’t wish for distractions, but rather they desire meaningful
engagement with their surrounding environment.
Witnessing the evident joy my youngest feels learning beside his brothers is deeply satisfying.
However, I recognize that the activities in which Walden finds himself immersed are generally
the direct outgrowth of projects designed for his big brothers. There may be nothing inherently
wrong with this; his brothers’ eclectic interests have opened wide so many colorful doors. Still,
being the youngest, Walden’s own interests and passions rarely take center stage or dictate the
shape of a school day.
This changed recently when we enjoyed a spontaneous reversal of roles. While his brothers
occupied themselves upstairs, my youngest and I cozied up on the couch for some snuggles.
After several quiet minutes, Walden’s small voice chirped, “Mom, I’d like try something new
today. I’d like to learn to sew.” I considered his request for a needle and thread, wondering how
best not to squelch his sparkly enthusiasm. As I thought about steering him toward a more
age appropriate craft, I remembered a box of Dino lacing cards I’d been saving for a rainy day
surprise. The cards proved to be the perfect compromise and in no time, orange laces in hand,
the both of us were “sewing.” Walden was enthralled by this process which so reminded him of
the handiwork he had watched his oldest brother enjoy.
This project entertained us both for some time and when the big boys finally came down the
stairs, they saw their little brother thoroughly engrossed in a project and unaware of their
presence. “Can we try this too?” they asked. Each boy was handed a single Dino card. “How do
we do it?” my middle son asked. Before I could answer, Walden was showing the big boys his
wonderfully unconventional method of doing lacing cards. They responded by working alongside
him and for a time the boys were occupied by an activity entirely constructed and led by our
littlest family member. I watched,
fascinated by the seriousness with
which Walden took his role as
teacher.
When the boys tired of the lacing
cards, Walden suggested reading
Beverley Allison’s book, Effie,
the story of a misfit ant that isn’t
accepted by the other ants because
of her extraordinarily loud voice. As
my youngest absorbed the words of
this much loved story, his brothers
joyfully interjected their thoughts
and opinions about Effie’s dilemma.
5
It evolved into a bit of an ethics class, framed entirely around the interests of a three-year-old.
Walden, emboldened by the family’s focus on his reading selection, was quick to offer his own
thoughtful ideas about Effie’s plight. A truly lovely conversation between the three brothers took
shape.
Stepping back and watching my boys navigate this atypical role reversal, I was touched to see
my oldest sons make ample space for Walden’s ideas and observations. In doing so, without
words, they acknowledged and affirmed his interests, intelligence, and value as a member of our
learning community. Much more than lacing and storytelling transpired on that special morning.
Intriguing possibilities arise when you adopt the view that every child, regardless of age, can help
direct their family’s learning. When given the opportunity to do so, helping to guide the direction
of our time together is an empowering and satisfying experience for young children. Likewise,
such a practice develops important traits in older siblings, such as patience, empathy and the
recognition that everyone has gifts to bring to the table.
Here are some fun activities to get your youngest learners started.
As your little ones become interested
in board games, play a round together
and include older siblings. Give your
youngest a chance to make up new
rules to an old game—they’ll love it. I am
amazed at the patience older siblings
show and your littlest learner will revel in
the opportunity to teach their complex
rules to family members.
any age. Let your toddler be the first to discover the basket. The older children will come
running when the music starts. Encourage your youngest to assign instruments to older
family members and to lead the family band. Follow this activity with a story about a
composer or a specific musical piece (“Carnival of the Animals” and “Peter and the Wolf”
both appeal to a wide age-range). Such a plan provides a seamless transition into an
activity that meets the needs of multi-aged learners.
Crafts! The next time your toddler is looking for an activity, pull out the Popsicle sticks, the
cotton balls, and random goodies from an upcycle box. Get the glue sticks and encourage
your child to create an invention, a new toy, or just let inspiration unfold. Encourage your
toddler to invite older siblings to the table to make their own creations. This is an activity
that will inspire creativity in children of all ages. Materials can be modified to suit the
needs of the age group you are working with.
Time in nature is a great equalizer. From the youngest child to the wisest grandparent,
everyone is a student in the woods. Take turns leading the way as you walk along trails.
Toddlers often make stunning observations of wonders that are overlooked by taller family
members. Acknowledge these important observations when they happen. Make space for
them. Call other family members over to enjoy your young explorer’s discoveries.
For those of us homeschooling with toddlers by our sides, the challenges may at times
feel daunting. Slowing down to remember and recognize the needs of our youngest
learners is a genuinely effective act. In doing so, we make our homes more conducive
to meaningful learning for all of our children as they learn to appreciate one another’s
perspectives and honor each other’s interests, skills and passions. Every single day,
siblings can influence each other’s learning in countless wondrous ways.
Rebecca Pickens is a
A good puzzle is a fantastic way to get
older kids and your toddler together for
some fun. Once the puzzles come out,
older siblings are likely to appear on the
scene to help or perhaps do a puzzle of
their own beside their younger sibling.
A well-presented basket of musical
instruments will draw children of most
6
columnist at Home/School/Life
magazine. Her writing appears
in various national publications,
as well as on her blog
steampoweredclassroom.com.
Rebecca lives, laughs, learns and
homeschools her three sons on a
small farm near the Adirondacks.
7
Earth Cycles: Fun in Ice, Snow, and Mud
As winter begins to loosen its grip and spring peeks around the corner, everybody is ready to get
outside. Oak Meadow’s teachers love the outdoors, and offer these ideas for outdoor fun:
If you still have snow on the ground
Make a snow sculpture. The best snow sculpturing comes when the snow is wet and
heavy. Use your imagination to branch out from the traditional snowman: snow dinosaurs, snow rock
band, snow sunbather.
Make giant rainbow ice cubes or ice balls. Fill milk cartons with water and
food coloring and set them outside to freeze. Peel the paper off and use the “bricks” to build a colorful
wall or put them on the porch railing for the sun to shine through. You can also make colored ice balls
using water balloons filled with food coloring.
Look for animal tracks. Try to follow the tracks as long as you can, or walk like the
animal, putting your feet in the animal’s tracks. Try to figure out who made the tracks and make up a
story about that animal.
Make rainbows in the snow. Fill spray bottles with water and food coloring and make
rainbow designs and pictures in the snow.
If mud season has arrived
Go on “signs of spring” excursions in the woods. Look for swollen buds,
insects, water running faster, early flowers, birds who are returning from winter grounds, etc. Use your
senses, and discuss how things are related: “What does the earth feel like underfoot? Muddy! What
does that mean? Thawing. I hear a phoebe! Phoebes are flycatchers. What does that mean? The bugs
are back!” Keep a list of signs of spring on your bulletin board and watch the list grow until you realize
that summer has arrived—slowly but surely!
Mud play is always a hit! If the weather is too cold for really messy mud play, you can
still explore mud using a stick, or just by looking at the different ways and places mud appears. Look
for tracks in the mud (human, machine-made, and animal), or make your own tracks.
Get a start on garden seedlings. You can plant seeds indoors to get a head start
on your garden, or, if the ground is thawed, you can put early season crops, like lettuce, peas and
spinach, right into the ground. Many a child has learned to love spinach by eating baby leaves fresh
from the garden!
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things from a different perspective. They help your child to come up with new and different ways of
seeing situations. Other children are often learning in a different method, maybe public school, which
adds another layer of relationship, learning, and adjustment.
Sometimes the other peeps are those you see regularly. This can be the cashier at the grocery store,
the elderly gentleman who lives next door, or the dog walker who lives down the block. Connecting
with these people and other neighbors on a regular basis provides children relational skills that kids
with siblings may be slower to develop because they always have a sibling to relate to and therefore,
they don’t have to interact with other people as much.
Without siblings, though, there are fewer similar age relational learning experiences for our only
children. While not absolutely necessary, here are three ways to support and “sibling-ize” your only
child, as well as support yourself if you are a solo parent.
1. Partnering With Another Family
A wonderful way to support yourself and your child is to partner
with a family that has a playmate your child gets along with. It helps
if the adults have similar parenting styles or a mutual respect of
each other’s parenting style. Partnering gives you the benefit of
camaraderie for your child, as well as the experience with children
of other ages (unless the other family has an only) and other adults.
Partnering can be tricky, though. Many people are not willing to
“add on” to the family or to share their “human resources”, even if
they are in close proximity to you.
“Oh, you only have one child to homeschool? If I only had one, it would be so easy!” I’ve heard this
more times than I can mention. And while it is different homeschooling an only, it is NOT easy. And in
our case, solo parenting makes it a bit trickier. Though it is more challenging in some respects, it is
just as rewarding.
So how is educating only one child more challenging, you may wonder? Well, all you parents of solo
kiddos will agree with me that with an only, you are IT. You are the sole distraction. You are the sole
warm body in the home to argue with, complain to, joke with, laugh with, or cry with. And solo parents
are it 24/7.
This highlights the need for peers and other people (peeps) in your child’s world. Peers provide the
friendship and camaraderie that your child needs. At times, they provide a learning partner, to see
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Personally, I find it difficult to ask for help, but I’m learning not to
shy away unless I receive a full-fledged no. It is also important
not to take it personally when requests or suggestions are not
accepted. As children get older (my son is now 12), schedules and
diverging interests make it difficult to get kids together unless the
parents make it a priority. That’s why finding a partner family as
soon as possible is critical as well as agreeing to what that will look
like between the adults. Parents of multiple kids and parents with a
supportive spouse have a hard time fully understanding how critical
it is to form that partnership to support an only child or a solo parent, so it is necessary for us to help
them to understand.
First, let them see what you can offer them—meet their needs first. Then it is easier to get your needs
met. This is along the lines of what Stephen Covey’s fifth habit for highly successful people is: Seek
first to understand, then to be understood. So, seek first to help meet their needs and then seek help
to meet yours. You might offer to take one or more children for a visit so the other parent can have
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more focused time with a particular child. Schedule field trips that may interest them and then go
together so you can help one another corral the group of kids. Or maybe just take one or more of the
kids on an outing by yourself. You could also share your knowledge, offering to instruct one of their
children on a particular subject or hobby. Your only limit is your creativity!
2. Create Your Homeschool Network
There are many active homeschool
networks thanks to a few awesome moms
who have created local, online communities
to share resources and ideas. A group
local to me shares homeschool field trips
throughout the Chicagoland area. People
can post and coordinate a desired field
trip, allowing you create an opportunity
or to tap into and take advantage of what
is offered. There are many local groups
that share ideas, resources and support.
Some are online and some meet in person.
Just search the web for them and start
connecting.
Learning or play cooperatives meet in person and offer another avenue of regular friend and learning
contact. There were many events we would look forward to, especially a yearly camping trip to an
organic farm. Co-ops are wonderful resources to associate with other parents and children, though
as the years pass, the events change, your
children change and you will need to continue
to seek new opportunities. Expanding your
network and looking at programs offered by
local colleges is a great way to discover new
areas of support as your child enters the teen
years. Volunteer opportunities can increase
as the children grow and they can partner
with friends or others whom they meet in their
volunteer activities. Community events offer
more ways for your growing child/teen to
make connections with his/her homeschool (or
schooled) friends
If you don’t have a network, then dig deeper. It may exist and you just haven’t found it yet. If it truly
isn’t there, create your own. Enlist friends to help. Get a homeschool co-op or playgroup going.
Connect with any online groups you can find on Yahoo or Meetup and see who is interested in
meeting in person. Find a meeting place, set some dates and times, set boundaries and guidelines so
everyone knows what is expected of them ahead of time, and then get together and have fun!
3. Focus On What You Have, Not On What You Don’t
Enjoy that special bond your family has.
An only child has many opportunities
to make friends and learn, though you
may have to work harder for it. You will
naturally have a different relationship
with your child. And let’s face it: The road
alone is never easy. You and your child
have different challenges from others, but
there is a special bond you develop with
those you endure challenges with.
Just remember that you may get on each
other’s nerves more easily. You may be
in each other’s way more often than not.
But don’t let that deter you and don’t let that discourage you. Focus on the blessings you have and
celebrate your family, no matter what the size. Create rituals for yourselves and maintain those in age
appropriate ways as your child grows. My son and I read every night. Not deep material at that time
of day, but light, humorous or inspiring topics, just not twaddle, as Charlotte Mason would say. I’m
also trying to carve daytime reading of more challenging content back into our routine. This won’t
take the place of independent reading, but will create the ritual and anchor we had before.
So there you have it. Three concrete ways to “sibling-ize” your only child. Remember, it is NOT easier
to homeschool only one child. It’s just hard in different ways. There are no sibling fights, but any
anger your child has may be directed at you instead. Younger children may have arguments with their
imaginary friends. Have you ever tried breaking up a disagreement with an imaginary friend? It’s been
quite a few years since I have, but it’s quite a challenge. But it’s all part of the journey—your unique
journey. It may be challenging, but reflect upon those challenges. Take time to meditate upon the
solutions. Eventually you will be able to reap the rewards, though it may take a little longer since there
are fewer harvesters.
Nina Kilbride Sheehan is a stay/work-at-home,
home-educating solo parent to an awesome,
soon-to-be teenage boy. She is starting her own
health/wellness coaching business to help those
going through challenging situations to claim or
regain their health and their lives. Contact her at
www.NinaKilbrideSheehan.com.
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Homeschooling Multiples
Homeschooling
Multiples
by Lawrence Williams and DeeDee Hughes
(originally published in Living Education, Winter 2009-2010)
Take a look at the curriculum to see what is next and consider which activities are timespecific (weather observations at the same time each day, for example) or need to happen
outside the home (community service or library research). Think about what supplies you’ll
need, how long each activity will take, and which activities need concentrated attention on
your part. Plan what the other children, particularly younger ones, will be doing during that
time, and then have a backup plan, just in case!
After you’ve planned the next day’s school schedule—take a deep breath and relax. Trust
that the day will unfold in its own way. Flexibility is vital in a family of lively, inquisitive, vibrant
little human beings. It’s important to have a plan, both as a starting point and a fallback
position, but it’s just as important to be able to let it go if something better comes along.
That’s the whole point of homeschooling!
Schedule according to age
and temperament
Families new to homeschooling often wonder if it is possible to successfully homeschool
more than one child at a time. Some parents have several very young children or infants and
are trying to teach one older school-aged child, while other parents are teaching several
children of different ages at the same time. Trying to do this with some measure of success
and grace can be overwhelming at times. There are no simple solutions, but here are some
ideas that might help.
Plan ahead
Planning ahead is one of the best ways to feel ready for a new day guiding busy minds and
bodies who are all moving in different directions at once. Many parents develop their daily
plan the night before, after the household has settled down, or at some point late in the day
when they have a few minutes. Start by thinking over what worked and didn’t work that day,
what avenues are worth pursuing again, and which children need work in certain areas. Oak
Meadow curriculum is very flexible so that you can guide a specific child to a project that
emphasizes a particular skill or focuses on certain knowledge.
When you are planning your day, you will probably automatically take into account the needs
of each child. The baby sleeps from 10:30am–noon, so you know that is a perfect time for
the 6th grader to work on math while you sit down and work on reading with the 2nd grader.
Or the young children have swim lessons on Tuesday afternoons, so that is your library
research time for the older children. Logistics aside, you also know your children, and will
quickly be able to see how and when they learn best. Some need to be right in the thick of
things—front and center on the kitchen counter—and others need to curl up in a beanbag
chair squeezed between the couch and the window. Some children are sharp and ready at
7:00am while others need to come awake slowly and aren’t really ready to think clearly until
after lunch. Every child is different and you can use this to your advantage.
Think of the activities of the day as having a rhythm, and create your daily dance accordingly.
After solving math problems for 45 minutes, don’t expect your children to jump right into
right into another brain activity like research or meticulous note taking. Instead, switch
gears to something active or artistic. Make sure your schedule includes time for individual
and group work. Working together as a family can provide energized, exciting, creative
exchanges, but children also need time by themselves, to ponder, reflect, absorb, and
integrate. Find time each day to sit for a few minutes alone with each child. You might find
that this time alone together becomes the most important teachable moment of the day, and
one of the most delightful.
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Let everyone have a job
Siblings can help each other out so homeschooling doesn’t just fall your shoulders. Called
peer tutoring by educators, older children can help the younger ones with their work, or those
who are better in a particular subject help others who aren’t as good, regardless of age.
Having children work in pairs can free you up to focus on a child who is struggling to acquire
a skill or who needs help with a tricky project.
Older children may need some coaching on how to be patient with a younger child who works
more slowly than they might expect. You can model the type of mentoring you’d like to see,
and comment on how to make the work go more smoothly: “Try letting your brother sound out
the words before you say the word for him—you might be surprised at what he can figure out
on his own.”
Peer tutoring gives children a chance to experience the feeling of satisfaction that comes from
helping someone. It can increase their self-confidence and make them more considerate and
appreciative of others. In addition, it gives them a chance to experience the frustrations of
being a teacher, which can help them become more patient students in the long run.
Making connections across
the grades
Children tend to work together with certain projects, especially hands-on and artistic projects,
and separately on others. You can teach several children at once by having them work on the
same lesson material but at different levels. Known as integrative teaching, you can approach
it in two ways: vertical integration and horizontal integration.
Vertical integration involves adapting the same subject to different children’s abilities. For
example, for U.S. history, you might tell the story of Paul Revere and then have your fifth
grader write a paragraph about the ride of Paul Revere while your first grader writes some
words from the story (sea, tower, horse, lantern) and draws a picture. Your younger child could
be practicing a letter (maybe “B” for British) and drawing a picture.
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With horizontal integration, several subjects
are integrated into one lesson. For instance,
one child might write an essay (an English
lesson) about the Revolutionary War (“In three
paragraphs, write the story of Paul Revere’s
ride, then underline all the verbs”), another child
can solve math problems related to that story
(“If there were 13 companies of British soldiers,
and each company consisted of 75 soldiers,
how many soldiers were there in all?”), while
a third child draws a map to show the relative
locations of Paul Revere, the British troops and
the old North Church (a geography lesson). The
possibilities are endless.
The joy of homeschooling
family_style
Homeschooling multiple children may seem overwhelming at first, but in reality you may find
it easier than you expect. When children have a buddy to work with, they don’t need you to
answer every single question. In a lively, active group, creative juices can flow and ideas spark
off one another.
Children are remarkably ingenious creatures who are internally driven to learn. It’s true
that they may all be going in different directions at once, and all be vying for your attention
at once. You may not be able to reclaim your dining room table for months because the
Jamestown diorama morphed into a multi-grade, multi-subject project. But your children will
learn. It is their nature. So every now and then, take a minute to sit back amid the non-stop
activity and enjoy in the vibrant living and learning that fills your home.
Lawrence Williams is the co-founder and owner of Oak Meadow, and the author of Oak Meadow’s
original curriculum. He and DeeDee Hughes have collaborated on a number of articles and
curriculum materials, including the new 40th anniversary edition of The Heart of Learning.
17
CHORE WHEEL
Does chore time bring on a chorus of complaints? Do your kids need
constant reminders of whose turn it is to do what? Make this easy
chore wheel to help create a fair and hassle-free chore schedule.
1. Choose the chores you’d like to include. Create basic
symbols to accompany the words if you have prereaders
involved.
2. Decide how many people will be doing chores. Mom
and Dad might be on the list or not.
3. Cut out two wheels, one smaller than the other. These
can be made of paper or a lightweight cardboard (like a
cereal box).
4. Divide each wheel into equal sections based on how
many chore doers there are. You can section off the small
wheel first, and then just place it on top of the larger
wheel and extend the lines outward to mark the large
wheel.
5. Write the names on one wheel (it can be the inside wheel or outside wheel).
6. Write the chores on the second wheel.
7. Take some time to make the chore wheel colorful and fun—you’ll want it displayed in a
convenient spot so you’ll be seeing it every day.
8. Connect the two wheels using a brad tack so they will easily spin. If you are putting this
on a bulletin board, you can just use a push pin, connecting the two wheels and securing
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it to the board at the same time. If you want to hang your chore wheel on the wall, you
can punch holes in two sides and attach a string.
9. Your family can decide how often the chores are changed, and who gets to spin the
wheel each time—that’s the fun part! Make sure to specify if the wheel turns clockwise or
counterclockwise.
Depending on how you’ve designed your wheel, each person will get a new chore each
time the wheel turns, or, if there are multiple chores per person and you turn the wheel just
one space at a time, each person will get one new chore and have one or two continuing
chores. Creating a wheel to suit your family will help everyone do their part.
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Leader or Bully
A Look at Parenting Power
by Devyani Borade
1. Leaders work collectively
Bullies want power
Sometimes parents undermine a child’s work in order to look good
or in command. This often shows up under the guise of humor, at
the expense of the children:
“Look at my picture! I drew it all by myself!”
We’d all like to be good leaders for our children, and
we’d like to teach good leadership qualities to them.
Opportunities for leadership crop up in all walks of life—
from team captain to office boss. There are many qualities
that make a leader and many more that make a great
leader. And where our children are concerned, what better
way to teach them than leading by example?
Yet being a parent automatically puts us in a position of
great power and can easily become a setting for bullying.
In turn, this can set the stage for our older children to learn
habits of domineering behaviour toward their younger
siblings. Just as there is a thin line of distinction between
confidence and arrogance, humility and subservience,
there is just a thin line separating being a leader from being
bossy, and from bossiness to bullying. And if there is more
than one child in the family, being an arbitrator for sibling
feud can put the pressure on the parents to cross that line.
Parents of young children might not see themselves in the scenarios that follow, and might even
wonder what kind of person would act like that. However, many parents might very well recall a time
when words were said that were less than ideal. Particularly as a parent moves into the adolescent
years, in our herculean efforts to guide, motivate, and support our increasingly independent children,
we might find ourselves resorting to desperate tactics. The shifting sands of the pre teen and teen
years can throw a parent so off balance that we grasp at any source of power to reassert authority.
So at what point does your parenting style take off from the straight-and-narrow and start veering
towards more dangerous territory? And how do you recognize the warning signs? Here are some hints
to help you develop a strong leadership style and nurture it in your children.
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“Your tree looks like it is growing out of air! That doesn’t look
right. And is that a bird or a dog in the sky? You should try
harder with your drawing. When I was your age, I knew how to
draw a dog that looked like a dog.”
Children are quick to pick up on this kind of belittling language, and
it can pop up in their interactions:
“I built my tower faster than you. You’re a slowpoke!”
“I’m just more careful, that’s all.”
“Oh yeah? Then why doesn’t it look better? A baby could do better than that.”
Bullies are constantly seeking attention. Bullies need power. They need to control everything. They feel
like they should be the center of everyone’s world and everyone should jump to do their bidding.
Leaders want to take the whole team forward. While they are interested in the collective outcome of
an activity, they also observe and coach individual performances within the team to lift the bar for the
entire team as a whole.
“Look at my picture! I drew it all by myself!”
“Well done! I see a tree, and is that a bird or a dog in the sky? Tell me about your picture.”
Just as children are quick to pick up on negative habits, they will also pick up on
positive ones:
“Look how fast I built my tower!”
“You are fast! I like going slow.”
“Yours looks good. I like how you made that part look like a gate.”
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What you can do to encourage collective work:
• Put the team (your family) first and share the credit. There is no need to unnecessarily underplay
your own contributions, but make sure everyone’s contributions are acknowledged.
• Give your children some freedom to do things their own way. They may fall down a couple of times,
or take longer to do something than if they had done it your way, but they’ll learn from their mistakes
and be the better for it.
2. Leaders use authority responsibly
Bullies take advantage of authority
Do you speak with your child imperiously? Do you often interrupt
him before he has even finished speaking? Do you tend to keep
information to yourself that hinders another’s chances of success?
“I’ve decided I’m going to learn rap music.”
“No you aren’t! I hate that stuff. It’s a bunch of noise. Besides,
it would be a waste of time. When you grow up, you’re going to
work in an office, not in a dance club.”
Bullies misuse their authority. They will play favouritism, and not
only allow themselves special privileges but also take pleasure in
denying privileges to others.
“If parents resort to threats, punishment and yelling, or make mean
comments to or about others, they are role-modelling bullying,” says Dr. Laura Markham, author of
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.
Leaders use their authority with a clear understanding of the responsibilities that go hand-in-hand with
it. Sometimes sharing their authority may yield the best results, and leaders will gladly do this if they
are convinced it’s the right thing to do. “If parents relate to others, including their children, by looking
for win-win solutions instead of resorting to power to solve problems, kids will follow their lead,” says
Markham.
“I’ve decided I’m going to learn rap music.”
“You know our family rules about swearing and disrespect, so you’ll have to choose your music
carefully. Why don’t you draw up a list of songs you’d like to learn that would be acceptable and
I’ll take a look at them?”
What you can do to encourage responsible authority:
• Use your authority wisely and responsibly. No one can help making the wrong decisions now and
again, but strive for valid justifications for each decision you make, and share your reasoning
with others.
• Avoid reprimanding your child in a way that publicly embarrasses your child or draws attention to
him or her in a negative way; go into a corner of the room to have a quiet word.
Keep your tone frank and straightforward to model respect while you instruct your child in appropriate
behavior.
3. Leaders see others’
points of view
Bullies lack empathy
Does your child find it hard to talk to you? Does he or
she clam up as soon as you open your mouth?
“So why did you get a C on your report? You should
have gotten an A.”
“We went to the ball game the day before and—”
“So you’re blaming me? This is all my fault? Did I
twist your arm and make you go?”
Bullies love playing the blame game—nothing is ever their fault. When confronted with a problem, they
will look for someone to blame rather than taking responsibility or looking for a solution. This behavior
is seen in sibling relationships when one child blames another for an issue they are having trouble
handling themselves.
“I got kicked out of the game and it’s all your fault!”
“How is that my fault? You’re the one who talked back to the coach!”
“Well, that’s because you made me so mad when you wouldn’t let me borrow your iPod. You
know that listening to music is how I relax before a game. It’s your fault I went onto the field in
a bad mood.”
One of the biggest and most valuable qualities in a leader is empathy. Leaders always try to take into
account another person’s point of view. Leaders try to look past the problem to the solution.
“So why did you get a C on your report?”
“We went to the ball game the day before and I was really tired the next day when I worked
on it.”
“Well, we’ll have to plan our outings better next time so we make sure you have enough time to
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get your work done and get enough sleep.”
Empathetic behavior shows up in children in similar ways:
“I can’t believe I got kicked out of the game! I should have known better than to go out on the
field when I was in a bad mood.”
“Why were you in a bad mood?”
“Because I lost my iPod. You know I like to listen to music to relax before a game. I can’t believe
I made such huge mistake. The coach didn’t have any choice but to suspend me.”
What you can do to encourage empathy:
• Listen with your mind, not just with your ears. Your child’s thoughts and feelings are important! Take
the time to try to understand his or her behavior; give your child the benefit of doubt.
• Engage in a discussion—not a lecture—about how you both can appropriately address a conflict
situation.
4. Leaders inspire and encourage
Bullies use sticks instead of carrots
Do you find yourself resorting to veiled warnings of
unpleasant consequences to get your way? Bullies
prefer to use threats to gain compliance; they don’t really
care about cooperation. They often play on another’s
emotions to extract allegiance.
What you can do to inspire motivation:
• Always be generous in showing appreciation for your child’s cooperation. Make a point of frequently
noticing his or her efforts, no matter how small.
• Take the time to make sure your child understands the goal; it’s easier to gain cooperation when
everyone sees the “why” behind the action that needs to be done.
5. Leaders know and understand their teammates
Bullies are unperceptive
Bullies take no interest in what others think or feel. They are dictators who unflinchingly steamroller
over anyone in their way. Because they don’t bother “reading” others, they are ill-prepared for making
any appropriate responses to challenging situations.
“I’d like to try out for the play, but I’m afraid I’d forget my lines.”
“That’s silly. You won’t forget. If you rehearse enough, you’ll be fine.”
Leaders are highly discerning people. They care enough to find out what makes others tick, whose
strengths will benefit a particular project, and whose weaknesses need to be worked upon for the
desired outcome. They can carefully tease out the root cause of problems and help solve them.
“I’d like to try out for the play, but I’m afraid I’d forget my lines.”
“I can understand that feeling. I think a lot of actors probably feel that way when they are
starting out. I think you have a good memory and you always take the time to be well-prepared
for things. And you can always try out for a non-speaking role the first time, if you want to.”
“Get into the car right now, or no telly for you today!”
Leaders invest time and energy in building up trust.
They earn the respect of others by having an attitude of
inspiration. In his book Talent is Overrated: What Really
Separates World-Class Performers from Everybody Else, author Geoff Colvin suggests “inspiring
authority” is the best way to get the most productivity and efficiency from a team. When goals are
clear and everyone on the team wants to be moving in the same direction, it is easier to sustain the
momentum by rewards and appreciations than by punishments and threats.
What you can do to encourage perceptive behavior:
• Become more aware of your child’s preferences, likes and dislikes, attitudes and opinions, all of
which are constantly evolving. Then use this knowledge to nurture the family dynamics and build
bonds.
• Look for win-win solutions for yourself and your children rather than just asserting your power. Be
sensitive to the reactions of others, and gauge both verbal as well as non-verbal cues.
Take a page from the leadership rulebook and strengthen your own parenting influence. Your children
will follow in your footsteps to becoming strong leaders themselves.
Children will respond better to this approach:
“If you get into the car right now, we’ll be able to finish our errands in time to stop by the park
for some playtime.”
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Devyani Borade is a freelance writer and mum of two. She likes to eat chocolates, read comic books
and try her husband’s patience! Visit her website Verbolatry at devyaniborade.blogspot.com to
contact her and read her other work.
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Seeing the Soul
excerpted from The Heart of Learning
by Lawrence Williams
behavior. The words of Angelo Patri quoted above provide the best overall advice I’ve ever heard
about how to handle difficulties after they arise. A more effective approach, however, is to head off
troubles before they begin.
One of the best ways to do this is to see our children for who they really are, and not be fooled by their
exterior behavior. I first learned how to do this when I was a young teacher in the Waldorf School in
Garden City, New York.
The Story of a Strong Class
When I first applied for a teaching job at the Waldorf School, the faculty chairman, Andy Leaf, tried to
tell me what I was getting into, but I didn’t understand at the time just what he really meant.
“This is a very strong class,” he said. “We’ve been waiting a long time for someone to come along
who was right for this class. With school starting in about two weeks, we were beginning to get
worried that we wouldn’t find someone, and then you called.”
When children try your soul, as they will;
when they cause you grief, as they do;
when they rouse your anger and provoke your wrath, as is their way;
when they reduce you to tears and prayer, as often happens;
love them.
Don’t bother about anything at all
until you have first made clear to yourself
that your love for the child in question
is holding firmly, swelling warmly in your heart.
Then, whatever you do will be as nearly right
as it is possible for human judgment to be right.
Angelo Patri
19th Century Educator, New York City
Although homeschooling is an excellent context for learning, it’s not always easy. Unlike classroom
teachers, home teachers don’t get to walk away from their students at the end of the day, and no
matter how wonderful our children are, sometimes they do cause us grief. When this happens, it’s
very important that we handle it in a way that supports their growth, instead of simply reacting to their
I felt flattered, as if the Council of the Most High had recognized my superior qualities and had chosen
me for this important position, guiding me ever-so-skillfully to this particular class so I could fulfill my
cosmic destiny. It was the end of August, and I had just traveled across country with my family, with
no thought of teaching in this school until just a few hours before, when at a point of despair and
desperation, I decided to call the school to ask if a teaching position was available. Although I didn’t
recognize it at the time, the operative word here was “desperation.”
“What makes the class so strong?” I asked.
“Well,” he replied tactfully, “It’s a large class, and there are several boys in it who are very, uhhhh...
active.” I could see he was choosing his words carefully. “And,” he continued, “there are also several
girls who are not afraid to stand up for themselves. Overall it makes for an interesting mix.” Interesting.
It wouldn’t be the last time I would hear that word.
After the first day with the class, I understood exactly what he was talking about. Yes, it was certainly
an interesting class, just like the Mongol hordes were an interesting group.
After a few months of trying every strategy I could think of, to no avail, I went to see John Gardner,
the director of the Waldorf Institute, hoping that he could shed some light on my predicament. Mr.
Gardner had been the faculty chairman of the Waldorf School for twenty-five years, and during that
time he had become something of an icon in the school. Tall and dignified, with white hair and piercing
blue eyes, he had a reputation for being able to get to the heart of a matter quickly.
I told him about the situation with my class, recounting the strategies I had used and the failures I
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had experienced. As I described the antics of my students, he
began to smile, then chuckled softly. Obviously he had seen
quite a few interesting classes in his day. When I finished my
dreary tale, he continued to look at me, but his gaze shifted
somewhat, and I felt that he was probing the depths of my
being. Then he said, “It sounds like you’re seeing them as little
personalities. You need to see them as souls. If you want to
reach them, you have to speak to who they really are, not who
they appear to be.”
At the risk of appearing hopelessly shallow, I replied, “How do I
do that?”
He then proceeded to describe an exercise that had been used
effectively for many years by the older teachers in the school,
and he suggested that perhaps my students and I might
benefit from this also. The exercise required setting aside a
period of time each morning when I first arose to review each
child in my mind. He recommended I spend about one minute
with each child, and during this time focus upon each child as a soul. That is, I wasn’t to focus upon
the obvious, outer childish behaviors—the tantrums, the clumsiness, the lack of academic skills—but
instead I should focus upon the essence of each child, that inner, hidden spark seeking to express
itself. I wasn’t supposed to do anything with it, like visualize it becoming anything or changing in any
particular way. I was to just strive to see it consistently every day.
We discussed the particulars of this for a while, so I could be sure I understood exactly what he was
recommending, and then I left. As I thought about it on my way home, I began to understand more
fully what he was saying. By taking time every day to see each child as he or she really is, beyond all
of the external, childish foolishness, we accomplish two things. First, we remind ourselves regularly of
the child’s true nature, so that when we encounter the superficial, annoying behaviors that arise every
day we aren’t as thrown by them. Second, by daily focusing upon the child’s inner being, we help to
draw this hidden spark out into fuller expression as the child grows and develops.
Recognizing the Spark
Since I had nothing to lose, I decided to try it. Every morning, I got up about thirty minutes earlier than
usual, splashed water on my face, and sat quietly in the darkness of the New York winter, reviewing
each child in my mind. There were thirty children in the class, so I spent one minute with each child.
One by one they would pass before me: Manny, Laurel, Michael, Stephanie....on and on....each and
every one, until I had visited with them all. At first, it was a mechanical, superficial process. I kept a
watch in my lap, and I would glance regularly at the watch, envisioning another child each time the
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second hand moved past the twelve. Soon, however, I began to get a feeling for how long a minute
was, so I didn’t have to keep looking at a watch and I could focus upon each child more fully.
At first, a minute seemed too brief a period of time for what I wanted to accomplish. I barely had
time to focus upon a child before the minute was up and I had to move on to the next. But gradually
my ability to focus increased, and I found that a minute was quite sufficient. Since I didn’t know their
true nature, I followed Mr. Gardner’s advice and simply tried to see them in the best light possible.
For some of the children, this was quite easy; their beauty shone so brightly that I could scarcely see
anything else. For others, I had to look more deeply, beyond their rowdiness, their mischievousness,
their obstinacy. But as I would look beyond those outer behaviors, I began to find wonderful inner
traits: strength, courage, idealism, compassion. Little by little, my admiration for them grew and
deepened, and my morning half-hour became an inspiring and uplifting time.
It wasn’t long before my morning review began to affect the
way I related to them in the classroom. Because I had seen
them for who they really were, I wasn’t distracted so easily
by what they did. Sometimes, as I visited with them in the
morning, I would notice something about them changing, and
when I saw them in the classroom I noticed it there also. Then
I would look closer, and I would see something beginning to
arise that had been hidden before.
Gradually, day by day, my relationship with them began to
change. A bond was forming that was deeper than our daily
struggles, and after several weeks I noticed the class begin
to settle and deepen, and an inner stillness began to pervade
the class. There were still outbreaks, but they seemed to lack
the same depth they had previously, and they passed more
quickly.
By the end of the year, the class was clearly different. I had learned the art of “seeing the soul,” and
this profoundly affected the way I saw the world. Since then, I have used this exercise with my family,
friends, and co-workers, and I have found it to be invaluable in helping to deepen relationships.
So as you encounter problems with your children, remember the words of Angelo Patri, but also take
time every day to bring your children before your inner eye, and see them as they really are. By taking
a few moments every day to connect with the inner being of those around us, we not only vastly
improve the quality of our relationships, but we also improve our effectiveness in the world.
Lawrence Williams, EdD, is the cofounder and
president of Oak Meadow. Since 1975 when Oak
Meadow was founded, he has been a pioneer and
innovator in the homeschooling movement.
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Juggling Act
Meeting the Varied Needs of Homeschooled Siblings
by Sarah Baughman
What’s it like to educate siblings at home? I caught up
with three Vermont homeschooling mothers who do
just that. Meghan has six children, aged 11, 9, 7, 6,
and eight month old twins. Michaeline’s children are
7 and 5, and she cares part-time for two additional
children aged 2 and 1. Pam runs an in-home
daycare for three children aged 4, 3, and 1 while
homeschooling her own children, aged 13, 7, and 5.
Q. What first comes to mind when I think of
homeschooling siblings is the difficulty of juggling
different needs, so let’s start with something else:
the positives. What do you see as the benefits of homeschooling children of a wide variety of ages?
Michaeline: Because my kids are so different, it helps the one who isn’t so open-minded to be more
open-minded and be willing to try things because the other is making it look fun. For example, if my son
who doesn’t generally enjoy crafts sees his brother doing them, he’ll be more likely to try them himself.
Pamela: Two benefits pop to mind. First, the kids can work together, which can make it more fun. Second,
you hear a lot of criticism that older kids get stuck teaching younger ones and that isn’t fair. However,
when kids have to teach something to a younger sibling, it really helps solidify the knowledge in their
minds. They really need to understand it in order to teach it.
Meghan: My two older children motivate each other to get better at the opposite subject that they’re not
as strong at—they want to keep up with the other. And the younger ones don’t want to be left behind, so
from the beginning when we were doing any school, they wanted to do it. They wanted to do what the
big kids were doing. My oldest son has been reading to his baby brothers lately, which helps them all; it’s
a great, low-pressure way to practice. The babies don’t care if he makes a mistake, and of course they
benefit from it as well.
Q. When can homeschooling multiple children become difficult?
Pam: It’s hard to find enough time sometimes to meet everyone’s needs, especially if you have a lot of kids
you’re juggling.
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Michaeline: My children both learn differently and are at different levels, so I have to do different activities
for each of them. It’s not like it’s unmanageable, but it is a challenge. I think it would be more challenging if
they were in school though, because it would cause me more anxiety. I’m able to individualize my teaching
in the ways I know they need.
Meg: Since my children are so close in age, I often combine curriculum for each pair. So, the sense of
competition can be a con because they feel like their sibling is doing better [at certain subjects].
Q. What strategies have you found to help mitigate the difficulties of homeschooling siblings?
Meg: I know I can’t have my oldest two do math at the same time. If my daughter starts feeling selfconscious she shuts down and says she can’t do it. But she can do it on her own, so I schedule it at a
different time for her.
Pam: Meg’s response really shows you how individualized [homeschooling] is, because my girls do
everything together. They work at their own level, but they’re doing the same thing. For now it works, but
that may change.
Michaeline: Because my children are so high-energy, I have to do things at the same time too. If I’m not
paying attention to one, things get out of hand.
Pam: It’s good to remember that you have years to get it done, not just today. It’s easy to forget that when
you’re caught up in the moment of the bad day.
Q. What words of advice or encouragement would you offer to other parents who are
homeschooling siblings?
Michaeline: The rewards of homeschooling are really great and outweigh the frustrations. You know your
children best!
Meghan: Life-based learning is the term I’m using now. You have to figure out what works for you. Some
large families probably do really strict homeschooling; we don’t. It’s taken me this long to stop feeling guilty
about what I’m not doing and to feel good about what I am doing. I used to literally not be able to sleep
because of what I wasn’t doing and what they weren’t getting. I’m over that.
Pam: Focus on being flexible. Life isn’t unchanging and neither can your school routine, schedule, or
curriculum be. We have some subjects that are more traditionally school-like but everything else is lifebased. The homeschooling message, whether you have siblings involved or not, is: “do what works.”
Sarah Baughman teaches English for Oak Meadow School. Her creative writing and essays have been
published in several literary journals. She lives in Vermont with her husband and two children.
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Curriculum Spotlight: Media Literacy
While media saturation continues to spread in modern culture, it makes sense to give our children
the tools to make sense of media and be aware of its influence. Oak Meadow is proud to present
our new Media Literacy course for high school students—here’s a sneak peek.
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Links We Love
Nova Natural
At
, part of their mission is to “Inspire creativity by sparking the imaginations
of children and adults with materials that allow them to learn and grow together.” As
experiential educators, we couldn’t agree more. We think you’ll appreciate their beautiful
selection of items available at their online store. They’re blogging, too, with gorgeous craft and
decorating ideas.
Maker Mom
The
was created to raise STEM-loving, maker-friendly kids. AKA Kim
Moldofsky, the maker mom is a grown-up science geek who writes about Science,
Technology, Engineering, and Math topics, as well as about parenting gifted kids, girls in
STEM, and the Maker Movement. Take a peek if your inner geek can relate.
The Association for Library Service to Children sponsors a super useful page,
. It’s a rich reference tool with categorized lists of cool,
legitimate, helpful websites for students of all ages.
Great Websites for Kids
Sparkle Stories is an online resource and subscription service to audio stories for
children. A subscription brings a magical story to your young listener once a week.
STEAM-Powered Classroom
We just discovered
and we love it! The site is bursting
with book and resource recommendations, curricula and project ideas, and practical advice
for anyone who is invested in creating their own educational journey. It’s a serious site, with a
touch of hipness and whimsy.
Looking for a fun outing to supplement your homeschool study? For a real-world history and
business lesson, visit a factory near you!
lists more than 500 places
to visit, organized by state and searchable by category. Ever wonder how a kaleidoscope is
made?
Factory Tours USA
Natural Mother Magazine offers lively articles and blog discussions that focus on
attachment/responsive parenting, ecological responsibility and love of nature, holistic health
practices, and natural learning. Not just for moms.
Simple Homeschool
is a simply wonderful site created by homeschooling mom,
teacher, author, and editor Jamie Martin. The site is content-rich with articles, posts, and
ideas. As Jamie says: “The goal of education is not just making a living--it’s about creating
a life.”
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TWO
What you need
Small table or card table
What to do
1. Turn the small table on its side (a card table on its side with
bottom legs open to support it works well).
2. Your child (or you!) can hide behind it and display the puppets over
the top. If you have a couch that is easily moved away from a wall,
it works too, giving your child a private space from which to display
the puppets.
Pinwheels, Puppets, & Prints 63
THREE
Puppet Stage
When putting on a puppet play, the more, the merrier! It’s a great way for children of different ages
to play together. Construct a simple puppet stage and encourage your children to use puppets or
stuffed animals to act out favorite stories or make up new ones. Making a puppet stage is very
simple. There are many different methods. Here are a few to get your imagination working:
ONE
What you need
Large cardboard box (appliance boxes are great!)
Towel or fabric for curtain
Dowel
What to do
1. Cut away one side of a large cardboard box.
This is so the child can climb inside.
2. Cut a large square in the opposite side.
3. Drape a towel over the opening to be removed when the play
begins. Or attach a dowel to the box which can support two light
pieces of fabric. Draw open like curtains.
4. Your child can crouch inside the box (perhaps with the box elevated
on a table) and present the puppet show from inside.
What you need
Curtain
Dowel or curtain rod
What to do
1. Make a special curtain, or use one you already have.
2. Attach it to a sturdy dowel. A tension rod (of the type used for
many shower or window curtains) would also work well.
3. Hang the curtain between two supports, such as hooks driven into
either side of a doorway.
FOUR
What you need
Curtain or beach towels
Tension rod
What to do
1. Put a tension rod across the bathtub, at a height that would
conceal your child sitting in the tub.
2. Make a special curtain or simply hang two beach towels over the rod.
3. Your child can use the bathtub as her backstage area, and present
her puppet play from there.
FIVE
What you need
Cloth for curtain
What to do
1. For an outdoor puppet play, a cloth draped over the porch railing
can serve as a curtain, separating the puppeteer on the porch from
an audience sitting on the lawn.