kanye picks 2020 runningmate - St. Rita of Cascia High School

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VOL. 5...No. 14
T h e N a t i r
Chicago, Illinois OCTOBER 2015
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KANYE PICKS 2020 RUNNINGMATE
HAS BACKING FROM WIFE, AXELROD, POPE
Feds swarm upon SR Gardening Club
DEA says Dowd MIA
WEST MADE HIS VP CHOICE AFTER LONG DELIBERATION
NEIL DALY ‘16
As of late it has become more and more popular for people
to run for office with no political background. Donald Trump,
Dr. Ben Carson, and Carly Fiorina are notable examples. While
others with no politic experience have run for the presidency
before, these type of candidates are gaining more and more
support, and it has brought celebrities to start running for office.
Even though it is still very early in the 2016 election, one
of these types of candidates has already put his name in the
election of 2020—Kanye West. Not only has he made himself
a candidate for the race, but he has already chosen his running
mate for the election.
His pick for Vice President? Himself.
While it may come as a shock to most, if not all of America,
his family said it is the right choice for him.
“Um, yeah I think it’s a good choice,” said his wife, Kim Kardashian. “Kanye has known Kanye’s family a long time, and
we are good friends with them, so I think they’ll work great
together.” She went on to promote her reality T.V. show, even
though she was asked not to.
“I mean I feel like I get along great with myself,” explained
Kanye when asked about why he felt like doing this, “and with
Kanye running both for the presidency and vice presidency, we
would make a dream team that can’t be replicated.
“We are like the ‘92 Olympic basketball team. Completely
unstoppable.”
Many people are confused why he decided to pick his running mate so early, when America hasn’t even yet had the Republican primary for the 2016 election.
“It’s always better to be ahead of the game,” said Kanye.
“With the early choice to pick myself, I feel like I’m in charge,
basically like Jesus.”
It seems Mr. West is getting pretty serious about this campaign as he began hiring legitimate campaign leaders. West
recently hired David Axelrod, known for running Obama’s
campaign, to be his own chief strategist.
“At first I was skeptical,” noted Axelrod. “I mean having
yourself as your own Vice President? That’s trendsetting and
all, but then I saw how great they work together, and truthfully,
I don’t think anybody can get along with Kanye besides himself.”
Even though it is a long way until West’s campaign becomes
relevant, he is gaining support from multiple unexpected followers, including Pope Francis. The leader of the Catholic
Church openly supported West on his recent visit to America.
“He is right for America right now,” preached the Pontiff.
“Not a gold digger, not a Washington insider. We at war with
terrorism, racism, but most of all we at war with ourselves.
God, show him the way because the Devil’s tryin’ to break
him down.”
No doubt this is an unorthodox method in running for president. America and the world will be watching intently to see if
West’s decision will pay off for him.
WACKY TOBACKY? The St. Rita gard (left) before it was destroyed by federal agents, and a pretty
sick, twisted advertisement in the Dining Hall (right).
MICHAEL RUTTER ‘17
St. Rita of Cascia high school released the following statement regarding some unfortunate rumors swirling of late:
“Our school is a bastion of academic development fueled by an abundance of after school activities, elite athletic teams, and an academic program during school hours that encourage all sorts
of intellectual growth. Unfortunately, there is not
always appropriate behavior being demonstrated
to our students. This situation does not reflect the
values of our school nor the quality of the vast majority of faculty and students here.”
This statement was referring to a recent visit
from the United States Drug Enforcement Agency.
The DEA concluded that St. Rita’s Gardening Club
has been growing illicit drugs and crops to produce other contraband. This was confirmed after
an anonymous tip led to a raid on the school-based
drug barons’ farm within the north courtyard.
Two Black Hawk helicopters descended upon the
school, and at least eighteen highly trained agents
secured the area. At the time none of the accused
drug farmers were present and not a single person
was injured. Damages were also kept to a minimum with only a dozen windows shattered and
one lawn mower destroyed as agents randomly
sprayed their automatic weapons and one agent
mistaking a perfectly still machine for “charging
after a DEA agent.”
The report released by the DEA claims, “Twelve
kilograms of marijuana and sufficient quantities
of poppy seeds to supply heroin for a medium
sized suburb.” Gardening Club moderator Mr.
Dowd has yet to comment about the fiasco; however, other members of the club did speak on the
DINING HALL
COUPON
S T R I TA HS .C OM
•
PUBLISHED BY TIM BAFFOE
condition of anonymity.
“The supposed marijuana is actually oregano,”
said a St. Rita sophomore, “and the poppy seeds
are for bagels and hamburger buns. I’m from
North Beverly, so I’ve never seen drugs in my life.”
Should the club’s claims of no wrongdoing be
proven by lab test results of the confiscated crops
and subsequent investigation, it is unclear if the
DEA will continue to press charges and pursue
Dowd, who has been on the lamb since the sting,
according to sources.
Although negotiations are in place between
the school administration and the drug agency,
it is likely all members of the club and the school
representative are still going to face a great deal of
harsh punishment. This is estimated to be a Saturday jug at the minimum and a maximum 3-day in
school suspension for the public embarrassment
brought on the school alone.
The Board for Student Discipline has noted
that the rules applying to such activities on school
grounds are vague, but the previous St. Rita dean’s
administration created a strict ‘no tobacco’ campus and is supposedly seeing if the kale grown in
the garden qualifies.
If the contraband does turn out to be for narcotics purposes, the value of the 12 kilograms
of marijuana is estimated at over $38,000, and
once purified the heroin would be valued at over
$60,000. That’s quite a profitable club and the IRS
is supposedly soon to be involved with questions
regarding the $500 budget for the club. School
officials have argued that any profits the club had
turned through legal sales of crops had gone to the
St. Augustine Missionary Casino of Peru.
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A2• NEWS
THE NATIR • OCTOBER 2015
WAR
Faculty find ally in Freshman class
in ongoing Civil War
SEAN MACANDER ‘17
As the new school year started, St. Rita was still unfortunately in control of the evil faculty and staff (also
known as the Galactic Empire, the Fourth Reich, etc.).
That means the century-old civil war between the students and the faculty would also continue. But for the
first time in history, a group of students decided to ally
with the faculty to help their chances in the war. The
freshmen went under rule by new staff member, Mr.
Gary Gallik, a Sith Lord who used mind tricks while
monitoring the McCarthy Center to convince many
freshmen to join his cause.
The unlikely alliance was most likely caused
by Mr. Gallik and Mrs. Yerkes’ Sith mind tricks, as well
as the massive congregation of freshmen in the McCarthy Center as the school year begins. Upperclassmen
have not infiltrated the base of the freshmen well.
“I’d rather just go home than hangout than play
pool against some try-hard underclassmen,” said senior Teddy McDermott. Those who do loiter have not
been able to gain any advantage for the alliance of
sophomores through seniors, as all communication to
freshmen has been done using secret codes created by
Mrs. Yerkes at the counter of Millie’s Cafe.
The faculty base, a.k.a. the Dean’s Office, has
reacted very positively to the addition of the freshmen
to the alliance.
“The young freshmen have made a very wise decision in the ever long civil war, setting a precedent
we hope future students will follow,” Mr. Partacz, also
known as Darth Dekan, commented. “We will also use
the freshmen to help keep the rebel scum in check, tip
off potential guerilla attacks, etc.”
Some major incidents in the new school year
include the Battle of the Malvern Prep mass, when the
Student Alliance attacked using annoying clapping
techniques and irritating the faculty to the point of
monitored applause in every mass. The faculty replied
by attacking the students home base, the parking lot,
by roping half of it off and hosting a grammar school
reunion, crippling operations of students for a few
days. Many students had to park at great distances
from the door, causing much danger and risk of injury,
including being sniped from the monastery parking
lot. While unconfirmed, three students died on the
trudge into school per reports from the Alliance.
The upperclassmen have had no reaction to
the recent losses, but they are on high alert for a terrorist attack. A Code Yellow was issued by the faculty
administration last week after reports of sandwiches
being flushed down toilets, one guerilla student tactic,
surfaced. The faculty redoubled their efforts by closed
the bathrooms. Many students were forced to use the
washroom in other unlikely places, such as a stairway
leading down into the basement.
The only advantage the upperclassmen have
over the alliance on the Dark Side is that the freshmen
have not learned any battle tactics. Even at this point
in the early year, the school has been so quiet that the
students earned a dress-down day for good behavior,
seen by some as an olive branch by the faculty but others as a trap to lull the students into a false sense of
complacency.
“I wore my uniform in protest that day,” said junior
John Quinn, though conflicting reports suggest he
just forgot it was a dress down day.
Ever vigilant, the upperclassmen hope to retain
sole control of the school soon.
LOCAL
Let’s talk about how annoying
Mr. Baffoe’s Twitter account is
His Twitter can garner more unfollows than your
Twitter can get follows
STEPHEN VIZ ‘18
Set the scene. A nice clear September morning at St. Rita High School and
Ritamen are all walking into school just
about now. You walk into your homeroom and the PA comes on:
“Attention Faculty and Ritamen, the
WiFi is down temporarily.”
Your class erupts in cheers. No iPads,
which means no classwork as the teachers are paralyzed.
And also no Twitter.
Well, the third applies to everyone in
the school except one man. The man behind the desk in Room 204, Mr. Baffoe.
So St. Rita’s WiFi eventually does
come back on, and you are able to scroll
through your Twitter feed. As one of the
over 8,000 lucky people who follow @
TimBaffoe (a.k.a. “mcrib conasewer”)
on Twitter you learn very quickly that no
WiFi shortage will stop him from filling
his daily obligation of getting 8 tweets
per minute or 1 tweet every 7.5 seconds.
If Twitter had a record book, Mr. Baffoe’s Twitter would definitely qualify for
records such as biggest number of ghost
followers, largest amount of sport joke
tweets tweeted and retweeted, and probably the most number of unfollows from
people sick of his saturation. Baffoe, due
to the outrageous number of tweets,
RT’s, pictures of a mutated McRib sandwich, and changing his Twitter name ev-
ery other day had probably led to many
people pressing that one button people
with social media dread the most.
Usually a high number of unfollows
can rattle someone and their Twitter
handle to the bone, but not Sensei Baffoe. He must be given credit for staying
in there and tweeting about the Cubs,
pizza, fantasy football, and McRibs with
Chicken McNuggets and fries stacked
on top (dubbed by users as “The McBaffoe,” if you must know). Usually tweets
about these topics would be acceptable,
but the sheer effort and quantity behind
them is aggravating. When his followers
are getting in their feed, “Now to see if
my 19 point fantasy football lead on a
guy with Aaron Rodgers held up” when
we clearly know it didn’t, we get the gist.
Other tweets like “First fan that walks
by camera as local news broadcasts
outside Wrigley is of course wearing a
DeRosa jersey.” Yeah because we are all
totally watching the Cubs game at the
same time you are and looking for the
specific jersey fans are wearing when
they walk by the camera. So can your
followers be given a break and not have
your opinion about Miguel Montero put
through our heads every 7.5 seconds?
Can we be given a break @TimBaffoe?
Baffoe’s Twitter followers’ lives matter
too, after all.
7
6
5
UNFOLLOW: If you haven’t been pushed to the limit and contemplated clicking it, you’re not
following Mr. Baffoe to begin with.
A3 • LOCAL NEWS
THE NATIR • OCTOBER 2015
HEROES
Tim McCarthy, True American Hero
More than meets the eye with Mustang soccer coach, bon vivant
JACK WOJCICKI ‘17
It is not uncommon to hold two, maybe even
three jobs. Everyone’s gotta make ends meet. In Tim
McCarthy’s case, he still just has no clue what he
wants to do with his life. McCarthy, a 1985 St. Rita
graduate, is the varsity soccer co-head coach as well
as a Chicago Firefighter and artist and owner of McCarthy Fine Arts & Design studio in Evergreen Park.
Those are the three occupations most people know
about. What only a handful of people also know is
that he has a very distinguished past. McCarthy is
a former member of the U.S. Secret Service (where
he heroically took a bullet for President Ronald Reagan), current chief of the Orland Park Police Department, and former sergeant for the Indiana State
Police. He has even done some sailing/exploring for
Ireland. Oh, and he was an astronaut for NASA.
McCarthy doesn’t like the spotlight, so he always
tries to avoid revelling in his past accomplishments.
He doesn’t like to talk about his saving the President’s life or discuss his voyage to the Moon. But,
being his favorite player on the soccer team (yes,
his own son is also on the team), he felt comfortable
with this writer exploring his extraordinarily extraordinary past like he explored the North Atlantic
in his early twenties.
What was Mars like?” “Mars was like nothing I
had ever seen,” McCarthy described. “The only thing
that had ever come close to its magnificence was the
shores of Greenland. I wish I had had my canvas up
there. That would’ve been quite the work of art.”
Does he missed traveling through outer space?
“I’m so glad I got out of the space program. The
training for the missions and the missions themselves took up so much time, I hardly had time for
everything else. Sometimes I would have to do them
at the same time. Painting in zero gravity is not
nearly as fun as playing soccer in zero gravity.”
McCarthy’s tenure as a part of the U.S. Secret
Service was where he gained the majority of his
fame, thanks to a .38 caliber bullet. Some call him
an American hero for his courage to put his life in the
line of fire to save President Reagan. Who knows, if
the luck of the Irish explorer hadn’t been on McCarthy’s side that day, Coach Bob Kellam might have
to scream at horrible referees by himself. He would
also have to get his own coffee everyday.
Thanks to McCarthy, Reagan went on to be one
of the greatest in U.S. history, according to everyone’s uncle, and brought back the spirit of America.
Everything Reagan did as president is only because
of McCarthy. The Berlin Wall coming down? That’s
because of Tim McCarthy. The fall of the Soviet
Union? McCarthy again. This guy is 1776% a middle
finger of freedom.
McCarthy, now the police chief in Orland Park,
recently retired from the Indiana State Police where
he was a sergeant. He is probably the only Indiana
state trooper to ever be famous. He is known for
having a clever and witty pun about safe driving for
every Notre Dame home football game, which he delivers to fans before the start of the fourth quarter.
Any Notre Dame fan attending games can surely
describe how, at the end of the third quarter, the St.
Rita soccer coach will come over the sound system
and announce, “May I have your attention please?
This is Tim McCarthy with the Indiana State Police…” An especially fan favorite line was during
the November 22, 2014 Fighting Irish vs. Louisville
game.
“Remember: responsible driving will keep you
out of the soup,” quipped McCarthy, “even when
it’s...chilly.” Good ol’ coach.
Tim McCarthy is so busy that sometimes he can’t
make soccer practice because he is at the firehouse
or something. His car is frequently cluttered with
sketches, paint samples, astronaut suits, and NCAA
Awards of Valor, and it’s about time someone recognized his amazing life. Here’s to you, coach: a true
painter of the American landscape.
Even Siri is aware of Coach Tim McCarthy’s greatness.
Like what
you’re reading
here?
Then why aren’t you part of The Natir?
S T R I TA HS .C OM
See Sensei Baffoe today.
•
PUBLISHED BY TIM BAFFOE
A4• SPORTS
THE NATIR • OCTOBER 2015
NAMES IN THE NEWS
Short teacher, big dreams
Palmer to accept new position up north
PETE CONROY ‘19
As the holiday season draws nearer and nearer, one of St.
Rita’s dearest teachers has to leave. Mrs. Palmer, beloved
math teacher, is leaving the school after years of algebrafying young minds. She is moving very far away and will surely be missed during the holiday season. The St. Rita student
body has had many great memories with her, sharing many
laughs, smiles, equations, and step stools.
Palmer applied for a job opening
at Santa’s Workshop
to work as an elf in
June of 2015, and has
finally received her results. A job offer was
made as a toymaker at
North Pole Industries,
and she has to move to
the North Pole at the
end of October to begin work.
“She had a resume
that was extraordinary,” said North Pole Industries CEO
Nick Claus. “I just couldn’t turn her down. She seems like
she will be able to do things that other elves simply cannot
do.” The company was especially impressed by the part of
her resume that included her ability to reach the third shelf
at most grocery stores.
“We’ve been looking to get bigger with our personnel
since the turn of the century,” said grizzled veteran workshop foreman Fuzzy Sugarplum. “I look forward to seeing
her around the shop, hopefully reaching that hammer on top
of the file cabinet we lost three years ago.”
Palmer is sad to be leaving St. Rita. It’s a difficult
career change for her, but she thinks it is ultimately for the
better.
“It will be extremely hard to leave all of the great students,
teachers, and faculty members here at Rita,” she said, visibly
emotional, “however, I will be much happier in the North
Pole. I will be pursuing another dream of mine. Ever since
I was a young girl, people always asked me what I wanted to
be when I grew up. Every time, I told them, ‘I want to be an
elf and make toys for Santa.’ Now I will be. Plus, they have
a union.”
Palmer’s tone became more serious when acknowledging how tired she is of the society we live in, saying that
it is biased in favor of “giants.”
“I am sick of having to climb onto a desk to turn on the
lights of my classroom,” she squeaked. “Every time I try
to take a picture or see anything in a crowd, all I see are
feet. I have to jump to open doors, and have one of my students pass out papers because I cannot reach the surfaces of
desks.”
She went on to lament something about the conditions of
shopping at Babies R Us and missing out on all of the great
rides at Six Flags, but it become difficult to hear her from
down there. Palmer noted that she is looking forward to being able to see out of her window without pulling a stool up
and how “luxurious” it will be to have everything around her
made to her size.
Although it will be extremely sad, losing Mrs. Palmer will be for the better. All of her hard work and effort
will be properly utilized in the North Pole. Her managerial skills, dictatorial attitude, a fencer’s grace with a meter
stick—all will augment the already strong North Pole Industries. Freshmen should certainly expect a higher quality of
toy this Christmas when Santa visits their homes.
“I am sick
of having to
climb onto a
desk to turn
on the lights
of my classroom,”
she
squeaked.
SO LONG, MRS. PALMER: A life-sized photo of the outgoing Math teacher.
NAMES IN THE NEWS
‘Bowtie Act’ passes in Mustang Store
Kellam, Gilbert proud of victory
TIM REGAN ‘19
Mr. Gilbert and Mr. Kellam have finally succeeded. For several years both Social Sciences teachers have
been trying to accomplish what they refer to as the “The Great Bowtie Act,” which was to allow the sale
of their signature neckwear in the Mustang Store. The school finally
caved, and the ties are now available at the Mustang Store for $20 each.
Gilbert and Kellam are quite happy with this, and their blood, sweat,
and tears have been worth it to get this act passed.
Bowties are of the latest fashion at St. Rita, and several are now visi-
ble on Mass days. Credit must be given where credit is due for the trend.
“As I sit in my classroom,” said Kellam, “I think to myself what a
AIN’T THAT CLASSY?
great job I’ve done. If I can get just one student to dress like me, it’s all been worth it.”
Gilbert has had a similar satisfaction from it all. “When I get home,” he said, “I’m going to reward myself
with another five hours of distance running.”
The St. Rita bowties are navy blue with the letters SR in red all around the bowtie. They’re great for
Chapel Days and really make you look smart and outstanding, potentially the young man you’ve long
dreamed of being, just like Kellam and Gilbert. “These bowties are extraordinary,” beamed Kellam. “You
should get one or six right away. People think that the people with bowties are nerds, but they are sadly
mistaken.”
The people who wear the St. Rita bowties are the ones who are ready to do anything. That’s not to say
that a student needs to purchase a bowtie right away, but that student would be a lot cooler if he did. They
are easier to tie and more elegant than just a plain old tie. Bowties are unique and stylish in their own distinct way. “
“After all the work that we—but mostly I—have done to get the ‘Bowtie Act’ approved, you should seri-
ously consider buying one,” said Gilbert without looking up from his laptop.
If shopping at the Mustang Store anytime soon—and remember that the holidays are coming up—check
out the bowties, which are the most magnificent thing found there. And try to consider all that Kellam and
Gilbert have gone through to get the Bowtie Act approved and to make the student body all the more classy.
Do it for yourself, your family, and most of all for those two heroic teachers. Be sure to hurry before Mrs.
Hopkins has to put some on backorder.
S T R I TA HS .C OM
•
PUBLISHED BY TIM BAFFOE
A5 • SPORTS
THE NATIR • OCTOBER 2015
BREAKING
OPINION
It’s all downhill for them
Mustangs to enter 2018 Olympics
Varsity hockey team
gets a new pet
KYLE LAIRD ‘19
KYLE GUSTAFSON ‘19
St. Rita students have been selected to lead the United
States in one of the sports. Most students assumed it is for
hockey. One Mustang had a very interesting guess.
“Oh it’s definitely figure skating. I can see a bunch of kids
as being pretty good ice dancers.”
Neither of those are the
correct answer. The sport
Did you know???
that St. Rita will be taking
part in, drum roll please,
St. Rita has not hosted is bobsledding.
the Olympic Games
Out of all the exciting winter sports, why is
since the removal of
bobsledding? Can anyits tennis courts.
one even name an actual
bobsledder. Anyway who
will be taking up the sled
to represent the United
States in the Olympics? I
was able to land an exclusive interview with one team member who asked to remain
anonymous for fear of the team being made fun of.
Q: How is the team preparing for the 2018 winter games
in Pyeongchang, South Korea?
A: Well, we have no equipment whatsoever. Most of us
are actually being held against our will to be apart of the
team. None of us even know where Pieonchain (this is how
the student pronounced Pyeongchang) is. Oh, it’s in South
Korea? Does it even snow there? Anyways, we will start to
buy equipment with methods that other students will not be
able to track our purchases and practice at a secret location
hidden pretty good.
Q: Is the secret location one of your backyards?
A: Absolutely not. Actually ye...yes it is (sigh).
Q: How were all of you chosen to be a part of the team?
A: We were kind of just pulled aside while walking back
from lunch. All of us were brought to some secret room that’s
behind—What are you saying, coach?—oh, yeah, our coach
thinks I’m saying too much. Let’s just say I was lucky to be
chosen for this great team.
Q: What is your goal for the Olympics?
A: Duh, to obviously represent our country and bring
back a gold medal.
Q: What is a realistic goal?
A: To not lose to
the Jamaican bobsled
Ray Manzarek
team. (Very long sigh)
Q: Do you even want
St. Rita’s last Olympic repre- to be part of this team?
sentative was former keyboardAt this point, I was
ist for the rock band The Doors.
forced to leave the
Manzarek won silver at the room while the rest of
1960 games in the 4 x 100 piano the team was crying.
The one student I interrelay.
viewed ran to the door
as I was leaving the
room, asking for me to
take him with me. As
the coach ripped him
off my leg, I left the room. Walking away, I heard a blood
curtailing scream soar throughout the air around me. Good
luck to the St. Rita bobsled team, the most disappointing
team behind my grade school football team, the Saint Barnabas Buckeyes football team, who went a whopping 0-16 in
the past two years.
Look at that face? Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?
In an attempt to be more humane than in
previous years, the St Rita varsity hockey team decided to adopt a puppy. After little-to-no searching they found a run-down, poorly maintained
puppy mill in the nearby area. The team sought
out the youngest, scrawniest pup of the bunch and
took him home in hopes of raising him and giving
him a better life. Rather than giving the mutt a
conventional and cliche name like Cooper or Buddy, the team thought outside the box and named it
“Connor McGrath.”
“I started calling Connor ‘Puppy’ because
he’s a freshman on the varsity team. He’s so much
younger and smaller than everyone else,” said
Ryan Lieber, the captain and alpha-male of the
team. “It’s kind of cute.” The rest of the players
found the name fitting of the 5’8”, 120-something
pound freshman, and now McGrath is referred to
as a young dog by all the players on and off the ice.
However, with a lot more of last year’s varsity
team graduating than would be ideal the team is
forced to accept McGrath as part of the pack earlier than anticipated. Connor wags his tail at the
prospect of this. “I’m excited to play for the varsity
team this year,” he said. “It’ll be some fast-paced,
high-level hockey, and I’m ready for it. It’ll help
improve my game too, which is always a huge plus.”
The young pup will be faced with a challenge,
playing in a league of bloodthirsty hounds - players
that are up to 21 dog years older, half a foot taller,
and 80 pounds heavier than he, and they won’t be
throwing him any bones. McGrath will have some
of the biggest juniors and seniors around taking
runs at him in an attempt to get him to skate back
to the bench with his tail between his legs. Coach
Coleman will need to have a tight leash with Connor to keep him from getting hurt.
This has not been a problem thus far. The
youngster has worked his way onto the team and
earned their respect, refusing to stay at the bottom
of the pack. McGrath has impressed by burying
seven goals in his first seven games, including the
first goals of the season for both JV and varsity. He
has played well in the defensive aspect of the game
as well, fetching and retrieving pucks to start the
breakout back toward the offensive zone.
Although off to a very strong start, Connor
“Puppy” McGrath has a lot of room to improve this
season. He must be trained, disciplined, well-fed
and exercised often. The varsity team has the potential to go very far this year, and McGrath has
not proven he can keep up when the games mean
a little bit more. The team doesn’t need someone
crapping on the bed when the team needs him
most, and if that is the case Puppy will spend a lot
of time learning how to “sit” on the bench this year.
S T R I TA HS .C OM
•
PUBLISHED BY TIM BAFFOE
The Bad, The Worse,
and The Goodell
KYLE LAIRD ‘19
Everyone in America who has a clue
about football has heard sometime or another
about the NFL’s infamous dictator, er, commissioner. Rodger Goodell is the man behind all
the incompetent decisions in the NFL, and the
deserved scapegoat for just about everything.
Who decides that invading a quarterback’s personal pace results in a $1,000,000
fine, and that beating your wife is only a 16play suspension? Yes, a sixteen play suspension. Goodell isn’t the greatest when it comes
to punishments. In fact, the only thing he is
good at is making money. Yet, it isn’t too hard
when he has the power to fine someone for
not wanting to talk to the media or for making
contact with a quarterback.
Writing about all of Rodger Goodell’s
mistakes and poor choices would be about as
long as being punished for tackling a person in
the NFL. First off, why try and nail Brady for
cheating? He’s been cheating and winning his
whole life. He’s obviously going to find someway to win in court, probably paying off the
judge or some other way. Even if he were on
a lie detector, Brady would still get away with
cheating. But no one can blame Goodell for not
knowing that Brady would avoid the suspension, because he does live under a rock with
Patrick Star staring at a sand television. But
don’t fault Goodell for losing in court, because
the judge did need Brady for his fantasy team,
so who could blame him for letting Brady play?
Who remembers Dez Bryant’s “no
catch” last year in the playoffs? Coming from a
Packer fan, that was clearly a catch, but since
Rodger Goodell has no clue on how to make
rules, he let the Packers go on to get humiliated
by the Seattle Bandwagoners, er, Seahawks.
What exactly is a “football move” anyways?
If Rodger Goodell were to be asked, it would
probably be along the lines of “paying a fine to
me results in a catch.”
Since Jerry Jones is the one who bribes
Goodell and not Bryant, that must have been
why it was a no catch. And what’s the deal with
these penalties like touching the quarterback or
illegal contact? Players aren’t even allowed to
play thanks to the commissioner. They might
as well just chill on the sidelines watching some
legit European football. Now they know how to
hit.
When will Rodger ever learn how to
properly suspend someone? He just recently
announced that Aaron Hernandez is allowed to
play.
“He’s learned his punishment,” said
Goodell. “He won’t ever forget to come to practice without his I.D.
And how did LeGarrette Blount do the
exact same crime as Le’Veon Bell, but yet get
suspended for three less games? Well according to Goodell, two R.O.S.E. hours equal a
minimized suspension. In reality, Goodell just
wanted Blount back so that Brady might not
get as many play calls instead of Bill Belichick
letting Brady throw a touchdown to Rob Gronkowski every play.
How come Pacman Jones wasn’t even
suspended for smashing Amari Cooper’s head
into his helmet? That seems suspension worthy, especially with the fear of head injuries in
the NFL.
The day Odell Beckham, Jr. drops a
pass is the day Rodger Goodell will finally come
to his senses and just give up. And we all know
Odell can’t miss anything. He’s never missed
an episode of Spongebob Squarepants (unlike
Mr. Baffoe, who spends time on his Twitter
instead of watching Spongebob) or Keeping
Up with the Kardashians. Anyways, the best
chance for Goodell is to get a concussion himself—then he might finally think straight.
Until then, the NFL is just the No
Freakin’ Logic.
A6• SPORTS
THE NATIR • OCTOBER 2015
AROUND THE HORN
CHICAGO BEARS
Secret of Belichick’s
hoodie discovered
The Bird
is a Bear
QUINN COGHLAN ‘19
Has anyone noticed that Belichick has not worn his famous hoodie
once so far this year? There’s a theory floating around that this has to
do with the Deflate Gate. Why has he not worn a hoodie ever since the
whole Deflate Gate case has started?
Sources have informed The Natir that Bill Belichick got in some
bad ways with some even worse people. He supposedly once lost a bet
about the winner of Super Bowl II years ago with a woman who happened to be a witch. Unable to pay up, she cursed him that he would
have sores and cuts all over his body from the neck down. The woman
said that the only way to get rid of the sores was to blow his chances at
winning a Super Bowl by cheating and getting caught.
The sores and cuts all over his body Belichick embarrassed him,
and he did not want anyone to know that he had all the sores on his
body. Bill realized that the easiest way to hide his condition was to
wear a hoodie. Even when he cut the sleeves of his hoodies he still
wore a long sleeve t-shirt underneath it so that no one could tell that he
had anything on his skin. People started believing that the hoodie was
just a good luck charm, but little did everyone know that there was so
much more behind the hoodie than they thought.
Belichick’s Patriots team finally started winning again the witch
realized this was her chance to get him back. Two years later she was
still holding a grudge that Bill had never paid her back, so she went to
Belichick’s house and reminded him about the deal they made. The
coach had to decide between a Super Bowl and a life of being covered
in painful sores. He chose the life without another Super Bowl ring.
The issue then became the way in which Belichick was going to
cheat while getting caught. He decided to deflate the football in the
game before the Super Bowl. When he was caught cheating the witch
lifted the curse, and he no longer had to wear the hoodies. But when
Roger Goodell levied the Deflate Gate penalty Belichick realized that
he could be cured while also getting off the hook for cheating without
punishment. The curse was been lifted, and Belichick will never wear a
hoodie again.
Bears sign Standring to shore up secondary
JIMMY CONROY ‘17
Standring (right) from his days with the Fighting Irish
Desperate times call for desperate measures. The Chicago Bears, in need of some
help in the defensive secondary, have signed
Jay Standring to a maximum contract. Standring will make his professional debut next
Sunday, playing the strong side cornerback
position.
Standring, known to his fans as “J-Bird,”
has always been ready for the NFL. “I’ve
kept myself in great shape over the years,”
said the St. Rita physical education teacher,
“and I think I can not only be the best DB on
the Bears, but the best in the league.”
Standring, a 1966 graduate of Leo High
School, went on to play at the highest collegiate level as part of the defensive secondary at Notre Dame, where he graduated in
1970. His most notable achievement came in
a 1967 game against USC and Heisman trophy winner, O.J. Simpson. Standring tells
his fans that he tackled Simpson and proceeded to talk trash to him.
“So I got up from my tackle and you know
what I said to him?” recalled Standring. “I
said ‘O.J.? See Jay! You should have seen his
face!”
Now, besides teaching duties, Standring is
a football and baseball coach at St. Rita. “I
truly love the kids,” he said proudly. “I enjoy
teaching them sports and giving them advice on how be the best. You have to learn
from the best in order to be the best.”
Standring loves teaching physical education. He plays the role of referee in class,
using his knowledge off all the sports to
teach the game and make it a competitive
experience. He prides himself in being the
inventor of a new sport, too. He claims to
have invented the game speedball, similar
to ultimate frisbee, but played with a volleyball. He has coached some very successful
freshmen football and baseball teams over
the years, leading a slew of teams to Chicago
Catholic League Conference titles. Asked if
he could see himself coaching after his professional career, he replied “You know, the
Bears and (White) Sox aren’t doing so hot. If
they want to call up ol’ Jay, I can give them
some advice.”
Standring may be the answer that the Bears
need in the secondary. He’s a good cover
corner who can tackle. Standring also possesses a set of leadership skills that are second to none. He can fire up just about anyone with his hoots and hollers and can be
distracting to the other team (just visit a St.
Rita football game). Standring can be a leader for this struggling Bears and lead them to
bigger and brighter things. The legend of the
Bird lives on!
Quote of the Week
“Sports sootheth the soul. ”
- Shakespeare probably
S T R I TA HS .C OM
•
Jacksonville Jaguars join
Catholic League
LIAM DALY ‘19
The Jacksonville Jaguars are the laughing stock of the NFL. Ever
since coming into the league in 1995 they have made the playoffs just
five times. Their last playoff win was in 2007 but that was only a Wild
Card win. Their 2014 record was 4-12 led by the 3rd pick in the 2014
draft, Blake Bortles, after Blaine Gabbert showed no sign of improvement in his time at Jacksonville.
After all this failure the Jaguars owner Shahid Khan decided that
the Jaguars no longer belong in the NFL. When asked what league the
Jaguars were joining he readily answered, “In one of the top leagues in
the country, the Chicago Catholic League.”
This statement not only shocked Jacksonville, but the entire sports
world. Asked why the Jaguars would want to leave the NFL to join the
CCL, Khan said, “Plain and simple, we suck. So we thought about joining
college football but starting a college seemed like too much work, plus
we still weren’t good enough. So we decided to join one of the top high
school leagues in the nation which was the Chicago Catholic League.”
“We at the Chicago Catholic League are very excited the Jaguars have
decided to join our great conference,” league president Pat Mahoney of
Loyola Academy said. “We feel their skills are best suited for the White
Division as all the other divisions would be too challenging because of
their low skill level.”
“We know that teams can’t go all the way down to Jacksonville to
play us,” noted Khan. “so we decided to sell our stadium in Jacksonville
and play at Eckersall Stadium on 81st and Yates in the South Chicago
neighborhood. It’s a great stadium in a great location in a great neighborhood. We feel the stadium will be able to handle our fans and how
many people will be there. As for how we will get players we will rely
heavily on high school and college dropouts as well as ex-cons like in
the Longest Yard. Since we are not a high school we cannot recruit high
school students. But we believe that this is even better because our players will be more developed than other school’s players.”
It will be fun to see how well the Jaguars do this season, but according to many analysts it is likely they will go 1-8 with their only win
against St. Ignatius. Only time will tell if the Jaguars made the right decision to join the CCL. If not there is always the possibility of joining the
grade school Southwest Catholic Conference in the next 5 to 10 years.
PUBLISHED BY TIM BAFFOE