Bizarro! - The Wake

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CRIKEY!
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vol.3 issue.7
r
r
a
Student Magazine
Finals Issue
-Wakie Out On The Town-A Student Studies In Coffman-President Bruininks...
well...just read it...-Doc Plutonic Ph.D. Candidate-Choose Your Own Adventure!-PR Photos Gone Awry!-
The U’s Fortnightly Student Magazine
December 15, 2004
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Vol.3 Issue 7
THE
Wake
Student Magazine
December 15,
2OO4
-11-13-14-
Editor In Chief
Executive Administrator
Campus Editor
Contributing Editor
Sound & Vision Editor
Bastard Pages
Literary
Voices
Campus
22
Athletics
23
Touch & Feel
Established in 2002, The Wake is an independent
fortnightly magazine, produced by and for students
at the University of Minnesota. The Wake is
too legit to quit.
Managing Editor
WWW.WAKENEWS.ORG
CONTENTS
-4-6-8-
The Wake
12
Literary Editor
Athletics Editor
Art Director
Photo Editor
Web Editor
Copy Editors
16
Business Manager
Advertising Executive
Cover Art
Graphic Design
Can’t tell.
Nope, sorry.
Nope.
Our lips are sealed.
Just stop asking!
Hmpth.
Ok, sorry.
That was kind of . . .
Vindictive?
Yeah?
Well, alright.
No, I left my fightin’
spirit at home.
Yeah, fightin’!
Okay, but for real.
What can be done to
circumvent this pending
violence?
Illustrators/Cartoons
Cover Stories
-6- Wake Out On The Town
-12- A Student Studies In Coffman
-11- President Bruininks...
-10- Doc Plutonic, Ph.D. Candidate
-13- Choose Your Own Adventure
-16- PR Photos Gone Awry!
Photography
Just love us like you
said you would last
night. Remember, the
two of us were alone, in
the warmly lit summer
garden of your bedroom? You told us you
would never leave.
So that’s it then?
Contributing Writers
Well, fine. You want to
know something? We
faked it the whole time.
From the Editors
Dear readers,
A more stringest test of our formulae is supplied to the so-called wide resonance case such as the one
encountered in the 17C(, )160 reaction in massive stars. Here the S -factor deviates considerably from the
polynomial of Eq. (4). In fact the measurement [8] shows that over the energy range 1.3 < Ec.m.(MeV) < 3.5 the
S -factor has a Lorentzian shape. When extrapolated to the relevant astrophysical energy (Gamow energy) of
0.3 KeV (T9 = 0.1 - 0.2 ) using, reasonable theory, the final resulting S -factor has the shape of a Lorentzian
peaked at Ec.m. = 2.4 God, we’re so smart.
Oh, and Bob - thanks for bein’ a real sport. Stay healthy and don’t get too salty on us.
Morgon Mae Shultz, Editor-in-Chief
Frederic Hanson, Managing Editor-
The Wake was founded by
Chris Ruen and James Delong.
The Wake
1313 5th St. SE
Minneapolis, MN 55414
612.379.5952
Send Letters To:
letters@wakenews.org
With letters, please include your name,
year and college. The Wake does not
publish shit. Sorry token idealist.
www.wa kenews.org
© 2004 All Rights Reserved
December 15, 2OO4
ll
Po
-ad
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4
The Wake Asks:
Do you feel as though public art on campus enhances the
aesthetic environment at the University?
Photo Poll By Renee Cattelan and Andy Tyra
“Canʼt say Iʼve had much of
an opportunity. I donʼt get out
much. Itʼs mostly of my own
accord. I mean, you try fitting
through doorways with muscles
like these. Plus, my penis is not
proportional to the rest of my
body. Itʼs embarassing.”
- Large, Naked “Trojan” Soldier Weisman Art Museum
“Some day, I will be appreciated.
And that will be the day that all
engineering students go underground. Theyʼre beginning to,
yʼknow...until then, whatʼs the
point really? Sigh...my arms are
tired.”
- Platonic Figure East Bank near Lind Hall
“I am most definitely an
enhancement. Have you SEEN
this thing Iʼm attached to?
What do you call it? A ʻHall?ʼ
I call it uglier than that really
ugly kid from your freshman
calc class, and THATʼS UGLY!”
- “Prometheus”Anderson Hall
“Now see here, youʼre missing the point. Youʼre talking
aesthetics when you ought to be
talking profits. And does public
art on campus enhance profits
at the University? Well, I uh, I
suppose not. Damn, I now have
low job security.”
- CSOM Sphere -
The Wake Chats With a Guy Just Recently Buried Alive who Has an
Attitude and, Conveniently, an Apple Laptop Computer
thewakeisgood (1:40:49 AM): howʼs non-life?
guyburiedalive (1:41:02 AM): dude, get me out of here
guyburiedalive (1:41:05 AM): this isnʼt funny guys
guyburiedalive (1:41:23 AM): i mean, i know you said itʼd be
a fun joke, and i was all like, “well, if itʼs for the frat,” but now
itʼs just gone too far
guyburiedalive (1:41:30 AM): get me out, come on
thewakeisgood (1:41:32 AM): but like, you donʼt have to
worry about shit like bush down there
guyburiedalive (1:41:53 AM): this is so fucking not funny.
what the fuck? i mean, i know i magically have this computer
in here with me, but get me out!
guyburiedalive (1:41:55 AM): you bastards
thewakeisgood (1:41:57 AM): frat boy, hahahahaha
guyburiedalive (1:42:06 AM): air is leaving
thewakeisgood (1:42:06 AM): they should join our bastard
page.
guyburiedalive (1:42:09 AM): iʼm hypervenilating
guyburiedalive (1:42:15 AM): i canʼt breathe!
thewakeisgood (1:42:15 AM): mooohahahahaha
guyburiedalive (1:42:31 AM): I CANʼT BREATHE. ok. itʼs okay.
slow. slow breaths . . .baby steps
guyburiedalive (1:42:35 AM): baby steps to inhalation
guyburiedalive (1:42:40 AM): baby steps to another
inhalation
thewakeisgood (1:42:43 AM): ya dead yet?
guyburiedalive (1:42:48 AM): yes
guyburiedalive (1:42:51 AM): *dead*
thewakeisgood (1:42:58 AM): damn that took too long
Choose Your Own Adventure Continued From Page 13
You sigh and heave yourself out of bed. “Going tailgating is the right thing to do,
even though I feel like shit,” you tell yourself. Besides, it’s nothing a little coffee and
beer can’t solve. You grab your Gopher shirt, slip on your shoes and are out the door.
The lot fills up fast, and all of your friends are there except that girl from
psychology. You ask your friend, Allison, if she’s going to come later.
“I’m mm’r not sure. She saids she migh-na come,” Allison slurs. She is already
wasted, and the game won’t start for four hours. It looks like everyone is drinking
except you, so you crack open an ice cold Grain Belt and begin to drink the sweet,
grainy goodness. The Premo hits your empty stomach like a Turkish earthquake, and
you quickly realize you’ve had nothing to eat since last night. The spicy scent of your
best friend’s chili reaches your nose, causing your stomach to rumble further.
“Hey Timmy!” John, the chili cook, shouts. “Have some chili -- it’s just about
ready.” The thought of a warm bowl of chili in your stomach causes a drip of drool to
form on your chapped lips.
All of the sudden, your other friend comes running to your side with a beer bong
shouting: “Timmy! Timmy! You have to take a beer bong. NOW!!” You’ve always been
susceptible to peer pressure, so you feel obliged to take the beer bong. However,
there’s a warm bowl of chili waiting for you. What will you do?
To eat the bowl of chili and postpone the beer bong, go to page (10)
To take the beer bong now and wait to eat chili later, go to page (13)
Literary
December 15, 2OO4
6
EdA Day in the Life...
Meet Wakey, your long-time-butnot-often-seen-and-revered-nongender-specific-wine-and-soy-cheeseconnoisseur-mascot-of-The-WakeStudent-Magazine.
As part of our efforts to give
Wakey some well deserved time in
the limelight we asked ourselves,
“Aside from repping Wake hardcore
twentyfourseven, what does our coy,
beloved mascot do all day?”
shed Tess of the dʼUbervilles and
Morning, 9:00 a.m.: Wakey brushes up on Biritsh Lit
Morning, 6:22 a.m.: Wakeyʼs moment of rise and shine
EdMorning, 7:07 a.m.: First things first
Morning, 11:23 a.m.: Wakey heads out for the day a
nd while Wakey does this Wakey sings Wakeyʼs favori
te song, to the tune of ʻAmazing Graceʼ:
My name is Wakey
Get that straight
Not Lee or Ross or Don
My name kicks ass
Now shut your face
‘Cause Wakey owns this town
Afternoon, 12:35 p.m.: To celebrate the turning
of the noontime hour, and to cool Wakeyʼs nerves
before Wakeyʼs big final, Wakey decides to take the
scenic route on Wakeyʼs bicycle. Wakey feels the joy
of being alive, the wind racing over Wakeyʼs surface;
Wakey thinks, “Life? Why that is no laughing
matter. Carpe fucking Diem! Praise the elements!
Praise be to newsprint publications!
Choose Your Own Adventure Continued From Page 13
Since you don’t really understand what’s going on in the game, you decide you might as well leave. As you walk up the stairs of the Metrodome, the feeling of drunkenness still exists and you fall over and
twist your ankle. The pain shoots through your whole body, but your inebriation allows you to overcome the discomfort. You continue to hobble up the stairs and out of the stadium. As you get closer to
the parking lot, you begin to feel sick from the pain and alcohol coursing through your veins. You get close to your car and sit down on the cold pavement. All of the sudden you fall over and pass out, your
head resting comfortably on top of the chili you kicked over earlier. It was a successful first football game!
The end.
The Wake Picks
Web Site of the Issue:
www.whitehouse.com
Thatʼs all we have to say.
mix
BASTARD
Co
The Broken Sidewalk -By Devin Ensz-
Photo By
Andy Tyra
GIG and IGGI all grown up -By Eireann LorsungTHE
Wake
December 15, 2004
5
Afternoon, 2:20 p.m.: “Yeah,” Wakie thinks, “itʼs not easy to be smart and
good-looking--simultaneously and all the time...”
Afternoon, 1:32 p.m.: Wakey grabs a cup of joe at Espresso Royale to insure prime mental
alertness for the big finall
Evening, 6:15 p.m.: Wakey finally gets to the see the face of the Mascot with whom Wakey has been online-dating for three years. Like
magic “Maurice” and Wakie hit it off over dinner and maybe more...
Literary
Afternoon, 3:40 p.m.: Wakeyʼs hard efforts pay off, the final
is passed with ease. Wakie goes for a stroll on the mall.
THE
December 15, 2004
Evening, 9:44 p.m.:
Neighbors claim to
hear, “Oh, yeah, caress
my convex curve, yeah
I love your rubbing
up on your concave.
Whoʼs your mascot?!
Yeah! Whoʼs your
mascot...”
Wake
Evening, 7:44 p.m.:
Wakey and “Maurice”
hit the Boones, hit the
spliff...hit the sack.
7
VOICES
December 15, 2004
8
Ah, Winter Break!
(Or How I learned to shut up and work at the box factory)
Finals week is finally upon us and the
ol’ coffee machine is running ‘round the
clock, pumping out that sweet, black gold
that transforms students into book-learnin’
machines. You’ve been working yourself lately,
young student! Circles beneath those pretty
eyes, an unpleasant odor and -- is your hair
falling out? Christ, you need a break!
Good thing we’ve got a month off, huh?
Ah, winter break! It is that month between
semesters when the student’s world stops
spinning. We all need a rest. But lately I’ve
heard a lot of big vacation plans tossed around
-- schemes that make me wonder what I’m
missing.
“I’m going to Spain for three weeks,” one
classmate said.
“Sweet,” replied another. (OK, I was
eavesdropping. It felt so dirty!) “We’re going to
Southern Cali [I shit you not] for ten days.”
Dang.
I’m glad these globetrotters didn’t ask me
about my plans, ‘cause I would’ve fabricated
something right there, and I’m not good at
that…
(Dream sequence:
Dude #1: Hey, bro, which coast you hittin’
this X-Mas?
Me: Uh...the West Bank...of the Crow
River.
Dude #2: Oh, bro...
Dude #1: (to Dude #2) Aw, let’s bounce,
homes. This loser is startin’ to rub off on me.
The pair speeds off in a hot-pink Camaro
End dream sequence)
Since I’ve been in college, I can’t count
how many times I’ve heard, “Oh, go for it!
You’re in college! Worry about money later!”
What the hell is that? How’m I goin’ eat, bitch?
I guess my winter breaks have mostly
been a mixture of mundane temp jobs and farm
work. While some students have lusty, animal
sex on foreign beaches, I’ve been running drill
presses and hauling sheep manure.
It’s worthless to play the martyr though.
I’m guessing the majority of students have had
similar experiences (although I’m thinking I’ve
got a monopoly on the sheep manure).
So, enslaved students, I urge you to look
up! Seize your winter-break job(s) with an
eagerness only found in naive youngsters!
Look for tiny lessons in the everyday! It might
not take a cross-country road trip to “find
yourself.” The revelation just might occur in a
Brooklyn Park factory.
Case in point: freshman year. I’m working
a shitty warehouse job for a locally based
Illustration By Devin Ensz
By Nick Neaton
appliance/music/electronics big-box retailer
that shall remain unnamed. You know the
type of work: tedious, mundane, most likely
mechanized or outsourced by now.
Break time comes. I’m smoking outside
with two full-time employees. One of them, a
forty-ish blond woman asks me what I “do.”
“College,” I reply. “U of M.” Go, Goldy.
Go, Bruininks.
“Oh.” She takes a pull from her Newport
Light 100. “My daughter’s talkin’ about goin’
to college lately. I’m tryin’ to avoid the topic, I
can’t afford that shit.”
Uff da.
We went back to work, where each of
us punched holes in paper for eight hours.
My temp assignment ended after a week; the
Newport Queen is probably still there. Lord
knows how many of her daughter’s dreams
she’s quashed since then. When break ended,
I was ready to start classes again.
Fellow students, have patience! The
world’s wonders will await you when you
have some savings. Though you may have
few chances to do Jell-O shots in Acapulco,
your chances of working at a calendar factory
in Hutchinson may be even slimmer! Bask in
these golden opportunities!
Nick Neaton is a
Wake
and
welcomes
letters@wakenews.org.
writer at The
comments
at
Special Retort
Stupidity and The Daily
Voices
Illustration By Devin Ensz
Case 1: “Peter”
He calls himself “undoubtedly the
largest marijuana supplier and seller to
University students.” Right.
The self-proclaimed biggest pot dealer
says he makes three to five hundred a day.
And he says he earns $30,000 a year. Do the
math.
OK, so maybe multiplication isn’t one
Suggested Spring Semester Schedule for
Peter:
booze and acid. Sleeping with people for a
joint, a shot of Jack or a five-strip. Wow.
And Kim doesn’t even try to cover up
Suggested Spring Schedule for Kim:
EPSY 5112: Knowing, Learning, and
Thinking
PHCL 1450: Introduction to Pharmacology:
Concepts of Drug Action
PSY 3666: Human Sexuality
I would like to believe Peter and
Kim aren’t typical students on campus.
Hopefully, The Daily just found the most
unbelievable students to include in their
“special report.”
Suggested Spring Schedule for The Daily:
ENGW 1102: Introduction to Fiction
Writing
JOUR 3101: News Writing and Reporting
JOUR 3321: Basic Media Graphics (not that
I didn’t love that kick-ass photo illustration)
Julie Seebold is graduating this
semester, and we at The Wake will miss
her oh so much. Please send comments
to letters@wakenews.org. To read the
Daily article that inspired this piece, go
to
www.mndaily.com/articles/2004/11/
22/11378 and www.mndaily.com/articles/
2004/11/22/11382.
THE
December 15, 2004
After reading The Minnesota Daily’s
special report “Drug use and college life,”
published November 22, I realize there
is a problem on campus that needs to be
addressed. No, not drugs. The Daily’s report
didn’t offer any proof of a drug problem on
campus. But it did expose something: really
stupid students.
who she is, like good ol’ “Pete” does. Her
name really is Kim.
Wake
By Julie Seebold
of Peter’s strengths. Maybe it’s his musical MATH 1001: Excursions in Mathematics
abilities. After all, Peter calls himself an MUS 1021: Introduction to Music
“underground music scene connoisseur.” BA 3000: Career Skills
Coincidentally, so does everybody else who
has ever mixed a record or freestyled in Case 2: “Kim”
their basement.
Kim tells The Daily of her trying battles
Who knows…Maybe Peter really is a with drug addiction. She says her drug of
music connoisseur. Maybe Peter really is choice was LSD. Being that LSD is a nonthe biggest dealer of the moon cabbage on addictive drug, I have to congratulate Kim
campus. Let’s see…
on her dedication.
Peter says he has 10 to 20 people who
Kim says once a “‘huge acid binge’…
work for him throughout the Midwest, but kept her awake for three weeks straight.”
Peter says he occasionally visits residence Three weeks straight? Oh, don’t worry,
halls and campus homes
Kim. We believe you.
for “appointments.” That
Honest.
means he’s selling dime
All right, maybe
The self-proclaimed biggest
bags to freshman. But I pot dealer says he makes three Kim likes to stretch the
thought he had people to
truth a little. But does
to five hundred a day. And he
do that for him?
says he earns $30,000 a year. that make her stupid?
Peter says there is
Well, Kim says in
Do the math.
a “connection between
high school, she began
marijuana
use
and
“experimenting
with
intellectualism.” He says this as he brags hard drugs, such as acid, ecstasy, speed
to the university’s largest publication about and LSD.” So, Kim took acid and LSD? But
his business endeavors. Way to let that aren’t acid and LSD just two different names
“intellectualism” shine, Pete!
for the same drug? Conclusion: Kim took A
While Peter may be the biggest LOT of acid.
dumbass on campus, I guarantee he’s not
Kim also tells The Minnesota Daily
the biggest campus pot dealer. Hopefully, that she slept with people for drugs. But she
Peter gets arrested for his stupidity.
says the only drugs she really used were pot,
9
DOC PLUTONIC,
*
Ph.D. CANDIDATE
*Doc Plutonic is not a real doctor.
Ladies and Gentlemen I welcome
you to the strangest Doc Plutonic yet.
Let’s call it “The Finals Issue.”
Voices
Dear Doc Plutonic,
I have a strange fetish. Every time I
have sex with my girlfriend I have an
uncontrollable desire to stick my erect
penis into her moistened vagina.
I don’t even know what to call it, but
I’ve tried my best to surf the Internet
for it. I’ve looked up phrases such
as, “vaginaphilia,” “hide-and-seek,”
“stuffing the Thanksgiving turkey,” and
“reaming the nappy dugout.”
The last three times I’ve tried to talk
to my girlfriend about this she just gets
up and leaves. Is something wrong with
me?
-Chris Anderson, Middle Brook
Hall #2781 canderson@pleasekeepmea
naymous.com
Dear Chris Anderson, Middle Brook
Hall #2781 canderson@pleasekeepmea
naymous.com
I am a PhD candidate in the
academic field of dating (and I am only
three credits away from my PhD), so
as you might expect, I know my shit.
Everything I say, goes. Got that?
My advice to you is to stop trying
to traumatize your innocent girlfriend.
Whatever is happening in that sick head
of yours must stop. If you ever want a
standard, healthy relationship you’re
going to have to give up this “penis
in vagina” perversion that you have
cooked up.
Vaginas are like delicate pastoral
flowers glistening in the morning dew.
They are meant for having babies and
the occasional chili cook-off. But they are
NOT FOR PUTTING PENISES INTO!!!
Penises are for things like peeing,
providing inspiration for monuments
to dead presidents, and of course the
occasional gubernatorial pardon.
So the next time you think about
driving your 18-wheeler downtown,
DON’T.
-Doc Plutonic, PhD Candidate
Hey Doc Plutoc,
I met this foxy female while building
a snowman alone on the mall a few
weeks ago. I guess I was just trying to
meet some people and boom, there she
was.
Post snowman, we sipped hot
chocolate in front of the Coffman fire. It
was so romantic. We really clicked. She
was smart, funny, and everything I’ve
always wanted in a girl.
Problems started when she killed
and ate my dog. She said I was spending
too much time with Skippy.
I told her that I really liked her, but
said that we should just be friends.
Apparently she thinks friends break
into each other’s homes and roofie each
other’s roommates before hacking them
up with a dull kitchen knife and flushing
them down the toilet. Not to mention
my other roommate that is scattered
throughout the yard.
When I told her that things were
moving too fast and that she shouldn’t
come over anymore, she told me that she
would drown me in my fish tank before
she would see me with another woman.
I’m not sure, but I think I want to be
single for now. But maybe I’m way off.
Does she deserve another chance? Am I
Dear Stalked in Comstock,
10. This is an extremely problematic
situation that you are in.
9. It seems like you want to be just
friends, but it seems like your girlfriend
wanted something more.
8. Are you really being honest with
yourself?
7. Your predicament is a difficult one
to assess.
6. It’s good that you are being
completely open and honest with each
other, but are you being completely
open and honest with yourselves?
5. Try joining a student group!
4. Does she comfort you? Does she
make you happy when you see her?
Is your day ruined when she doesn’t
come running to the door with her tail
wagging?
3. It burns when I pee. What does that
mean? Seriously, Stalked in Comstock,
what does that mean?
2. If he really is avoiding you, then
he’s probably not interested.
1. She’s not there to be at your beck
and call.
-Doc Plutonic
Dear Doc Plutonic,
I write a mediocre dating advice
column for a student publication at a
Big Ten research university in the upper
Midwest. It’s in Minnesota. Actually it’s
the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities
campus. Students write in with their
trivial problems. Students — who should
be reveling in their sexual prime — write
in with total bullshit usually involving
people. The problem is that when I can’t
take it anymore with this trite whining I
try to spice up the columns with incest,
fetishes, and bestiality. It started out as
every so often, but now I never check my
e-mail. I am a fraud. How long can I go
on like this?
-Dr. Date
Dear Dr. Date,
So?
-Doc Plutonic
Choose Your Own Adventure Continued From Page12
You sheepishly tell your friend that you’ll have to wait to do a beer bong later. He
makes some mocking sounds and tries to find someone else to take a beer bong.
Your attention now turns back to John and his delectable chili. He hands you a
steaming bowl. “It’s my own recipe,” he proudly proclaims. “I brown my own beef and
add my own spices and everything.” You take a bite of this homemade creation and
realize it’s the best damn chili you’ve ever had. Your spoon moves faster and faster,
like the train in Back to the Future III, you know the one where Marty goes back to
save Doc from dying in 1882 or something, it was pretty lame. Before you know it, the
bowl is empty, and then it hits you.
“I don’t feel so good,” you say. Your stomach begins to twist around and around,
forcing you to fall down. The pain is excruciating, and you begin to question what
kind of God could put you through such discomfort. You have E. Coli. You are rushed
to the emergency room and miss the game. Sorry!
The end.
The Wake Asks:
Dear Dr. Nurse, What is the difference between herpes and love? Sincerely, In Love and Infected
Photo Poll By Verity Baker
Wake
ll
Po
a
- d
roi
being too judgmental?
-Stalked in Comstock
December 15, 2004
THE
10
“Herpes are forever.”
“There is no difference. They both
involve commitment.”
“Herpes are the gift that keeps on
giving.”
“Herpes are more itchy.”
–Eric Carroll–
Graduate, Photography
–Stephen Eakin–
Freshman, Sociology
–Emily La Shorne–
Junior, Finance
–Danielle Durda–
Sophmore, Nursing
Campus
THE MAN
of the
HOUR
December 15, 2004
11
The dark, druginduced world of
President Bruininks
THIS IS FAKE.
By Nick Neaton
“You see this shit?” President Bruininks
asked me, pointing to a small tattoo on his
left forearm. “I got this after I killed a hooker
in Havana.” I looked closer at the tiny dagger
forever stamped in fading green ink on his skin.
Trembling, I scribbled details in my
notebook, taking time to note every aspect of
my subject. After all, I had been granted an
all-access, no-holds-barred interview with the
reclusive University of Minnesota president, and
I wanted to accurately record every detail.
We talked in what Bruininks has dubbed
the “Player’s Club,” a plush, low-lit lounge in his
towering St. Paul mansion, Eastcliff.
“I love this room!” Bruininks marveled,
rising from his velvet recliner and throwing his
arms toward the ceiling. “It’s my special place,
where I come to escape.” His silk bathrobe
Does this syringe make my head
skirted the room’s orange, shag carpet as he
pranced about the room.
“I love it, I love it!” he exclaimed, his pale like a content kitten.
“He’s been particularly naughty today,”
arms flailing wildly.
He raced toward one of the large bay said the nurse, as she tucked the needle into
windows overlooking the winding Mississippi. her pocket. “This morning, he was acting all
Upon reaching the window, he tore open delusional. First he thought he was Randy Moss,
the front of his bathrobe,
which wasn’t so bad. But then
he turned into Tony Montana,
exposing his hairless chest
and I just ‘bout went through
and began to scream:
“Oh beautiful
the roof!”
“Oh, beautiful children
I nodded, remembering
of the university!” he cried.
children of the
earlier that afternoon. I had
“Come to me! Come embrace
university! Come to found Bruininks sitting at a
your leader, for I am powerful
and all-knowing!”
me! Come embrace table in the Player’s Club,
face buried in a mountain of
I didn’t know whether
your leader, for I
cocaine.
to laugh or run in fear as I
“Um, excuse me, sir?” I
watched this spectacle from
am powerful and allasked, edging into the room.
my seat in the corner. Instead,
knowing!”
Bruininks lifted his
I sipped on my “Bruininks
head from the pile and stared
Special”: Belvedere vodka
blankly at me. White powder
and Pepsi Edge, and watched
the president writhe about the room in yellowed clung to his eyelashes, stuck on his thin lips,
dotted the tip of his nose. He blinked a few times,
underwear briefs.
Before long, a nurse and two beefy shook his face clean and jumped to his feet.
“Sir! Yes, sir! President Robert Bruininks
bodyguards entered the Player’s Club. Grabbing
Bruininks by the arms and legs, the bodyguards reporting for duty!” His arm snapped forward in
gripped his convulsing body while the nurse a salute. I decided to play along.
“Tell me, Private Bruininks, what’s your
injected a serum into his right temple. The
president instantly fell limp and began cooing regiment?”
look fat?
“University of Minnesota, sir!” he barked.
“Morrill Hall, 2nd floor!”
We kept up the military back-and-forth for
a while until the drugs started to wear off. He
opened the bar and we started tipping ‘em back.
The talk quickly became more casual.
“I don’t know what it is lately,” he confessed,
“but lately it just seems like I’m not happy unless
I’m fucked-up.” Hose in hand, he signaled to me
and I hoisted the beer bong’s funnel in the air.
By 6 p.m., Bruininks had downed seven liters of
top-shelf booze and taken three body shots off
my chest.
I stayed sober enough to witness the
president’s mood swings, as he transformed
from ‘Gangsta Bob’ (“Aw shit, dog, that’s nothin’!
You shoulda seen me and Timmy P. get our
swerve on after the 2003 Legislature! We was
trippin’ balls!) to ‘Pappy Bruininks’ (“Hey, little
guy! Aspiring journalist, are ya? Why don’t ya
come and sit on Pappy’s lap and tell me about it?
No, seriously, come sit on my lap.”) and finally to
‘Oprah,’ a blubbering, confessional mess.
“Sometimes I sit up on the Campus Club
patio,” he bawled, “I just sit up there and look
down on the world and wonder why. Why must
Sally’s only have Taco Night once a week?”
Rusty, a Campus Club custodian, later
Photo Illustration By Eric Price
confirmed this activity.
“Yeah, I seen ‘em sittin’ out there [on the
patio], drinkin’ his drinks and ravin’ on ‘bout
drink specials and ‘Ladies Night’ and all them
boob-sling-wearin’ hoochie-mamas down on the
Super Block.” Rusty paused and looked me in
the eye. “You guys actually let that basket-case
run this place? That’s fucked up.”
Back in Eastcliff, I looked at Bruininks’
crumpled body.
“How does this man run the university?”
I wondered. “Maybe it’s all a sham, some
elaborate show like in The Wizard of Oz. ‘Pay no
attention to the man behind the curtain.’”
I wrote some more notes but stopped and
stared in awe as Bruininks’ body slowly rose
from the floor and began hovering three feet
above the carpet. He flipped to face me and
when I looked into his eyes, I felt paralyzed in
my seat.
“Just sit tight, buddy,” he whispered. “You
be good and we’ll do some more body shots
later.”
I nodded, feeling his mental demons wrap
their fiery arms around my soul. Still floating,
Bruininks winked at me, then disappeared.
I’ve tried to remember what happened after
he levitated, but to no avail. It’s blank to me.
Pirates Party
Like It’s 1999
A Quiet, Well-Lit Place to Study
Your guide to spicing up old
weekend routines
a regular basis. Taking it easy and chilling
with friends is cool, but even friends (not to
Most college students approaching mention boyfriends and girlfriends) get old
graduation have a lot of questions about the after a couple years. That said, I’ve come
future. The most important question being: up with a list of ideas to add a little flavor
What are we going to do this weekend? After or nostalgia to normal weekend events for
nearly four years on this campus (or maybe those of us who have too much time on our
more for the “university connoisseurs” out hands.
Party
in
T-hall.
there), the usual weekend
Not really, although it
activities become a little
might be kind of fun.
monotonous. Waiting in
Make one of your
Instead
party
inside
line with about 50 other
unknowns just for a taste
roommates the C.A. your rooms and invite
your friends. Make one
of flat High Life Light
by leaving him/her
of your roommates the
isn’t quite the fun it was
in the dark about
community advisor by
before we actually got
leaving him/her in the
lives. Of course we are
your little plan.
dark about your little
still broke, so blowing
plan. When the C.A.
wads of money at some
comes knocking, hide
lame bar or to go see a
new kick-ass band we’ve never heard of isn’t your drinks and act nervous. For best
exactly something we can afford to do on results, do it on a night that the C.A. decides
By Grant Boelter
Photo By Pat McEwen
Choose Your Own Adventure
Continued From Page 13
Photo By Pat McEwen
December 15, 2004
An SUV parks outside a University building on an exceptionally uneventful day.
B- After thinking for a second, you realize
you’re in no shape to be tailgating right now.
So you roll back to your alarm clock and set
it for a couple of hours later. You’ll still have
time to tailgate, and you’ll be well rested. Your
head hits the pillow and you immediately fall
asleep. You begin to dream about all your
friends at the tailgating lot. They’re all having
a great time, but you’re not there. All of the
sudden your eyes open. “I feel much better,”
you say. You look at your alarm and it’s one in
the afternoon. You missed the game. Sorry!
The end.
THE
Wake
he/she needs to stay in and study.
A list party. Arrogant? Check. Elitist?
Seal the deal. Go out to a dive bar on Sure. Lame? Definitely. So lame that it’s
a night when it has a
worth doing for the reaction
deal going and wear
you’ll get. Don’t have an
business attire. Pretend
actual list; just improvise as
Arrogant? Check.
like you are celebrating
you go. Just make sure you
Elitist? Sure. Lame? don’t take it too far.
some major corporate
accomplishment
and
Bar golf. Plot a
Definately.
see how many weird
course of 18 bars to visit.
looks you get. Convince
The fun part is walking,
your crazy 40-year-old neighbor to come so work your way toward home. This will
along to make it more believable.
get expensive, but the experience is worth
dipping into your student loans. Wear
knickers and sweaters if you really feel like
getting into it.
Living in the ‘90s. So ‘70s and ‘80s
parties have been done…about a million
timeseach. Instead, bust out the flannel,
Zuba pants and grunge rock and throw
down ‘90s style. Festivities may include
playing drinking pogs and singer-fromthe-Spin Doctors and Paula Cole look-alike
contests.
Welcome aboard matey! Throw a
party at your house and dress up as pirates,
because pirates kick ass. Drink out of old
bottles and don’t shower for a few days. If
you really want to be jackasses, tell your
guests to dress up as something really
wimpy. That way you can bask in your
awesomeness.
Hopefully these suggestions can
help you end your college career with a
bang before the imminent thud that’s sure
to follow when you’ll be tied down by a
meaningless job, if you’re lucky. Until then,
Cheers!
Campus
A Nice Day For A Sunday Drive
A University student studies in peace at Coffman Union.
12
Timmy’s First Football Game
A choose your own adventure
Athletics
By Lane Trisko
Photo by Andy Tyra
THE
Wake
BEEP BEEP BEEP. Your alarm startles you out of sleep. You slam your hand against the snooze button and lift your heavy head, drowsy and unable to hold your eyes open. Today is the
day of your first Gopher football game, the one you’ve been anticipating all week. Your head begins to thump slowly. “Why did I go out last night,” you think. You glance at the alarm clock and
see the horrible truth: it’s 6 a.m. The game is at 11, but you want to tailgate before the game. That girl from psychology said she might be there, but right now sleep feels more important. You
lie in bed thinking, “I should get out of bed and go tailgating. But maybe it would be better to sleep. I can’t decide.”
To get out of bed and go tailgating go to page (4)
To go back to sleep for a few more hours go to page (12)
Choose Your Own Adventure Continued From Page 13
To leave with your friends now, go to page (6)
To stay and watch the rest of the game, go to page (14)
December 15, 2004
D-You’ve never been one to turn down a beer bong, so why start now? “Sure, I’m down for a beer bong,” you say, and drop to a knee. Your friend lifts up the apparatus and the beer
quickly flows down your throat, into your empty stomach. “Oh boy,” you say. “I don’t feel so great.”
“Then you need another beer bong,” your friend replies and fills another couple beers in the funnel. The beer seems to be tasting better, you realize. You must be getting drunk. You
stand up from the second beer bong and nearly fall over. All this drinking on an empty stomach has quickly caught up to you and all you can think of is: “I need a cigarette.”
You begin to stumble around the parking lot looking for someone with cigarettes but can’t seem to see straight. In your drunken dilemma, you decide to shout “Who has a cigarette?”
But the only response is from your friend with the beer bong who proceeds to pour you another.
The Eminem song in the background that you were cursing minutes ago all of the sudden is the best music ever. You start dancing and bump into your friend’s grill, knocking over all
of his chili. “It loos lick somon vomitided on da ground,” you clumsily mumble. Luckily, the game is about to start, so you can’t make an ass of your self in the parking lot anymore.
You don’t really remember walking to the game, but you somehow got there right at the kickoff. The Metrodome is packed for the big game and you cheer and scream like the drunk
jackass you are. The game quickly becomes a blur and you realize you have no idea what is going on. It’s halftime and many of your friends are heading home to sleep off the morning’s
activities. You debate whether you should go home or stay. Decision time.
13
Touch & Feel
Press Agent Lies, Lies, Lies!
life-affirming shit. That’s what press
people do though. They make shit sound
a lot more complex and life-affirming
than it actually is. And what’s that bit
about brilliant pop melodies? Oh yeah,
that part is completely true . . . sorry.
2. Eugene Mirman, The Absurd
Nightclub Comedy of Eugene Mirman
“And if you hadn’t already heard of Eugene
Mirman, why, we’d be very surprised.”
Touch & Feel
Tag Team Media
Sorry Tag Team, not all of us have the
up and up on such things. We’re what
you’d call, “not hip” and “totally uncool.”
Just kidding. We’re actually so cool that
we ostracize press agents such as yours
by making fun of all the stupid, overly
enthusiastic comments you make.
3. Tegan and Sara, So Jealous
Illustration By Sam Soule
By Frederic Hanson
After a comparatively dull year in
music – remember 2003 anyone? – it was
pretty obvious that press agents worldwide
were going to have to up the exaggeration
ante to get anyone interested in their artists.
What follows are some of our favorite
blown-a-little-out-of-proportion
remarks,
delivered to us by various press agents
throughout the year. We thought we’d show
you what the PR camps are saying, while
giving you a little bit of truth to boot. Enjoy,
readers, and remember – The Wake isn’t
about catering to no press agents! Damn.
Wake
“’Time Running’ launched the record
with a kick in the teeth and those
who up until then thought Tegan
and Sara were acoustic folkies were
1. The Hidden Cameras, Mississauga,
Goddam
“Gibb’s lyrics cleverly tie in the ecclesiastical
with the perverse, seeing all the beautiful lifeaffirming power of love and lovers, and the
fragility in which we ultimately feel inside
when faced with both. Its playful yet smart
look at life and love is expressed through
brilliant pop melodies, soaring harmonies
and sweeping orchestral arrangements.”
Tag Team Media
Okay . . . I guess it’s kind of true. In that,
it-could-be-true-if-I-were-a-press-agenttrying-to-push-this-album-for-my-ownprofessional-good kind of way. Yeah – The
Hidden Cameras are a good band; and
yeah, their latest, Mississauga, Goddam
was alright. But really, this album was
about saying you’re gay and that you feel
like indulging in a multitude of carnal
fetishes. Don’t give me all this love and
December 15, 2004
THE
14
Choose Your Own Adventure Continued From Page 13
You look up at the scoreboard and see that the Gophers are ahead, and you can’t
seem to bring yourself to leave the football game. “I want to see them win,” you tell
your friends and they leave you. Who needs them anyway?
The second half begins and you convince your neighboring fan to buy you a beer.
The Gophers continue to dominate and take a larger lead. Now watching the game,
you can’t believe how well the Gophers are playing against the formidable foe of Our
Sisters of the Bleeding Heart College for the Shitty Athletes.
With each change of possession more fans head for the exits. But not you. You’ve all
of the sudden become enthralled in the game and have to see it out to the end. The
final whistle blows, and you scream in jubilation over the Gophers 55-17 win. The
excitement overwhelms you, and you race down the stairs, jump down to the turf and
race onto the fields, screaming. You get to midfield and realize no one else stormed
the field with you. In this moment of realization a security guard tackles you and
leaves you dazed on the artificial grass. You are arrested for storming the field
left with their blood drying in the dust.”
Tag Team Media
Ouch! You see? I just got totally knocked
the fuck out by that track. I didn’t know they
actually meant it would kick me in the teeth
and leave me lying in the dust with blood all
over myself. Damn though, who knew two
Canadian siblings / lesbians could kick my
ass so thoroughly. Shit! You see that? They
just did it again. I’m bleeding all over myself
now, and my mom is going to be really pissed
I wrecked my classy button-down shirt.
4. Vice Magazine Editors on Chromeo
“Live, Chromeo is more fun than being forced
to smoke crack at gunpoint by Rick James.”
Vice Magazine
Actually, this is pretty true. Why? Because
Rick James is dead, bitch. If he were alive,
I think we all know being forced to smoke
crack at gunpoint by him would be far better
than anything any band could possibly do.
But we love you anyways Vice and Chromeo.
Looking For Love: Personal Ads, Wakified
Photos By Andy Tyra
Hepa Titis. The Needle
Sharing Nurse (R.N)- I
enjoy sharing needles.
Tex-ette – I kill for
charity.
Riddle Red Riding Rood
– You can’t tell here
but I have red hair,
you also can’t tell that
I’m missing both of my
legs.
Orgasmaclease – I’m
Greek and like to break
plates…huppa!
touch & Feel
Harp Enthusiast Seeks
Harp-Shaped LoverI’m a harp player
seeking that special
someone who knows
how to pluck all my
heartstrings. I read
Harp magazine often. I
find it highly amuzing.
Bat Man- Seeking
same.
Want to have sex with rock
stars on film?
BECOME A WAKE SOUND AND VISION MUSIC
and FILM WRITER!
Karaoke!
Buck Burgers!
Wednesdays
ay 11am to 8pm
ay
sportsm
sp
manspub.com
ma
www.sp
2124 Como Ave SE, Mpls
612.379.8407
You can’t actually have sex with rock stars, but maybe
if you interview them, things will pan out.
Please drop off a resume, small drawing, and writing
samples at our office, ATTN: Frederic Hanson
Don’t make us spank your bare bottom.
Visit www.wakenews.org
For An Application
THE
December 15, 2004
Most fun on campus!
Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays
days
9pm
pm to close
We’re seeking very knowledgeable music and film
freaks who want to write about it.
Wake
Some peopl
ple don'
pl
n't' like div
n'
iive
v bbars...
Those people suck anyway.
15
Look
At These Totally
Legit Musicians
[With a little help from Google, we found these photographically-challenged musicians. And then we made fun of them.]
Touch & feel
If they had a dumb
name:
AnimalLoving Assholes
Stealing
Kids’
Parents’ Money
If they had a dumb name: Leftover Salmon. Oh wait, that is their name.
What they would say: “Hey there partner. My shirt is SO wild. It makes me feel like I actually
took acid. That’s why I wear it. I mean, do you think the good-natured dudes in my sub-par,
gastronomic-namesake jam band would play with a righteous fellow like me if I didn’t have
some acid-y vibes? Truth is, I used to be in a children-friendly library-touring acoustic
group, but didn’t really find the critical praise or money I thought I would. So I found
this group of groovy brothers, and wouldn’t you know it – magic! Listen to our soothing,
egomaniacal jams as you enjoy some heady buds and import beer. God, my shirt is so wild.”
What they would play: Nature-inspired exploitative, endless jams. Not songs. Just stupid
jams.
Wake
If it had a dumb name: Moderately
Sexual ly Implicative Egomaniacal
Technology
December 15, 2004
THE
16
What it would say: “Grinding noise.
Mechanical components working
in tandem to gouge a small hole in
a 2 X 4 plank. Drill entering piece
of wood. Drill gets a little louder
as it starts gouging out the wood.
There is friction. Drill gets softer
as drill bit comes out of the wood.
Buzzing noise as the bit winds
down to a slower RPM. Buzz gets
more rapid as RPM is increased
before drilling another whole in
the 2 X 4 plank. Drill noise gets
loud again as bit enters another
hole. Noise gets quiet again as bit
exits the 2nd whole. Drill gets very
quiet as machine is turned off. Says,
‘Dammit Shirley, I swear that’s
never happened before.’”
What it would play: “You’re a
Human, I’m a Drill Press” and
other mechanically-inspired, yet
emotionally-vulnerable ballads.
What
they
would say: “Did
you know that
the
Galapagos
tortoise has a life
span of up to 150
years! How about
that kids? And did
you know that the
majestic flamingo
can stand on one
leg while feeding
on small fish.
How’s about that?
Wow. Isn’t nature
beautiful
and
majestic? Now, I’d
like you all to close
your eyes. Picture that you are in the wilds of Africa. Giraffe, hippopotami and gazelle
bound around you in the majestic Savannah. ‘ROARRRR!’ Oh my kids! Did you hear
that? That was the King of the Jungle himself, the LION. Look out kids, be very still.
[This is where they break into a condensed, thirty-minute version of ‘The Lion Sleeps
Tonight,’ and quickly end the show.] Thank you kids, we’ll be around behind the Aviary
afterwards for wholesome – and all natural, of course – toucan punch and monkey
cookies. Parents, feel free to buy one of our fish-print shirts over there for your kids.
What they would play: Thirty second versions of animal-themed songs. A whole lot of
medleys that talk about dumb shit like child-friendly mating habits of the woodland gorilla.
If he had a dumb name:
How can we think of names
when we can’t take our
eyes off his luxurious hair?
What he would say: “You love
my hair. I know you want
to. Go ahead. Touch it. Well
– not really. Then I would
have to have my volunteer
security guard, Randolph,
poke you in the eye. But you
can touch it in the photo.
Close you eyes and feel it’s
luxuriousness. It’s so smooth
and conditioned. Oh, you love
my bare chest too. Notice its
admirable smoothness. Ah,
how admirable it is. Touch my
chest listener. Caress my hair.
Make love to my press photo.
But now I must go because it’s time to rock. I love you, my fans – I want to make love to all
of you.”
What he would play: Songs that are romantic, but with an “edge.” Songs with titles like, “My
Ice Rod will Turn you On.”
Sound & Vision
The Year in Review
Jesus Christ, Judas Priest Kicks Ass
I can safely say that this year’s best
concert, for me anyway, was the Pixies’ show
this past November. The Pixies are one of
those bands cemented in musical history by
their command of original sound, and all other
bands after them can’t help but acknowledge
this. Their influence resounds in all our
ear drums as it did for me in Roy Wilkins
Auditorium.
What impressed me the most were their
gracious natures. The Pixies were not trying to be rock-band-cool or aloof. They were being
themselves. They grinned at one another, tossed drums sticks back and forth, and even
bowed to the crowd (excellent manners, you could bring them home to ma and pa). But
what really made the show something special was not the history, not the “Oh my God I am
seeing the Pixies,” but the music itself. It was alive, organic, and blissful. I could just let the
melodies and lyrics work through my body, begging my bones to get up and dance. That’s
what makes good music – action, emotion, and pure fun that is easy to swallow and digest
for ones creative pleasure. And that’s what the Pixies do so well. -Kim Gengler
The greatest metal moment of 2004 is easy
for me to determine. I finally got to see Judas
Priest (with Rob Halford). My buddy Hynz
and I headed down to Kansas City to catch a
Royals game and the Ozzfest. This concert
contained Dimmu Borgir, Slayer, Judas Priest
and Black Sabbath (original line-up). Now
Dimmu, Slayer, and Sabbath were excellent.
Dimmu really annihilated most of the crowd
who had never heard a black metal band
ever. Slayer were as always the true masters of thrash destruction (well, maybe second
to Destruction). But Judas Priest was what made the trip worth it. This is the ultimate
metal band. Tipton and Downing on guitars, Ian Hill on bass, Scott Travis on drums, and
of course Rob Halford’s soaring metal wails … it simply cannot get more metal than that.
Their set was excellent. Regardless of the fact most of the band are in their forties, they
exuded more skill than any band I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen pretty much everyone that’s
worth seeing. The set opened with Electric Eye, my all time favorite metal song, and from
that moment on I was in ecstasy. It rained heavily during much of the set (and the seats
were not covered), but somehow that just made the event seem that much bigger. The
only bad thing was that after Priest, Sabbath was just pale in comparison. Don’t get me
wrong, I’ve seen Sabbath before and own more Sabbath CDs than they officially released,
and loved them, and this show was good too, but it holds no candle to priest. LONG LIVE
JUDAS PRIEST! -Brant Johnson
Ashlee Simpson Does Milli Vanilli While Dancing a Jig
I have always – always – been a fan of the occasionally
Saturday Night Live musical-event-gone-awry. From Elvis
Costello’s fuck-you cut to “Radio, Radio” bit, to Sinead
O’Conner’s understated papal vandalism, the moments
– though few and far between – have always given SNL its
unpredictable edge. But I have to hand it Ashlee Simpson.
The Texan’s fall from “I’m Christian but I can still rock
pretty darned hard” glory on the show in October was a
moment of live television totally unexpected. I mean, we
all knew she sucked. But lip-synching? Acid reflux? What,
what, what?
It was all pretty funny. Haha. See, I’m laughing
about it even now, just like I did when I saw it. But I was
laughing not so much at the fact that she wasn’t actually
singing, but instead, at the dumb-as-shit jig she tried
doing to recover. It was one of those moments that you had in your 3rd grade nightmares
where you piss your pants in class, panic, and have no clue what to do. In Ashlee’s case, you
dance the jig. And oh, what a jig it was.
Eh ... who am I kidding here? Those were just virtual laughs earlier. I didn’t
actually laugh at her performance. I just sat there, cried my eyes out at losing another
rock and roll idol, then went and bought a case of cheap beer. -Frederic Hanson
Wilco Are Simply Ghastly
Wilco’s 2002 unintentional epilogue to September 11th,
Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, was called an “American classic” by
Rolling Stone. We’re not Rolling Stone – but the album was
pretty good. And it was definitely American. Their follow up,
2004’s A Ghost is Born is nothing like that album. But it’s still
just as good, if not better.
Abandoning the O’Rourke production-Tzar techniques
and cracker-country sockhop sop of Foxtrot, the band created
in Ghost, an album of stripped-down songs – then rocked,
locked and loaded them into their metaphorical Winchester, and shot down everything they
seemed to have previously stood for. And the result was fantastic – a murderous escapade
into the pity of self-preservation and growing another year older. In the tradition of The
Beatles’ White Album and The Plastic Ono Band, the songs on Ghost stand front and center.
There is no sonic ambiguity; no surplus of overly philosophical noise-emotion. And in this
case, it only makes things better. From the skyscraper-prescription service chronicled in
“Handshake Drugs,” to the spring garden poppy-plant soul of “Hummingbird,” the songs on
Ghost reflect Tweedy’s increasingly skillful songsmanship. And though the album hits on
everyone from Supergrass to Faust to Paul Westerberg, it stops well short of fucking any of
them. And that’s something that Yankee Hotel Foxtrot couldn’t quite resist.
-Frederic Hanson
THE
December 15, 2004
Remember when albums moved you? When
you listened to it once, couldn’t believe what you
heard, and had to listen over and over again to make
sure the euphoria was real? You don’t? No worries.
Get your hands on Brian Wilson’s Smile and let
the awe take over. Rerecorded and released for
the first time since shelved during Wilson’s mental
breakdown in 1967, this masterpiece missed out
on its chance to change music history; but it didn’t
miss much of anything else. From the opening
harmonies of “Our Prayer,” through the theme
filled suites, and fading with the last remnants of
“Good Vibrations,” there’s enough going on in
this album to keep you listening over and over again, marveling in the absolute brilliance
of the former Beach Boy. Especially when you realize this was supposed to be released
in 1967. Sgt. who? Too bad Mike Love, the Beach Boy most responsible for shelving this
masterpiece, is a middle-aged sack of musical mediocrity, with no talent beyond the ability
to list cars and cities where you can pretend you surf at. We can all be thankful though that
Brian Wilson was finally able to fight his demons and allow us do something we’ve waited a
long time to do: smile. -Lane Trisko
Oh, the coveted album! You know, the one that you
won’t stop listening to, humming or thinking about. We
all have those albums that really jazz us and render us
hopeless to the rhythm and mood of certain artists. Then
again, some albums and artists take time to warm-up to
and we must incubate them in our brains in order to find
the gem in their work. For me, Bjork falls into both of
these categories and her new album Medulla proved to
be one of my favorites this year.
There have been many adjectives used to describe
Bjork, for instance “crazy weird,” but she is really quite
the artist. On Medulla Bjork takes the concept album
to the limits by having just one instrument on the
entire album – the human voice. Even though Bjork is
sometimes inaccessible she sings from her juts. She sings likes she means it and I find this
very admirable. Bjork challenges musical conventions and is brave enough to be really
bizarre (think swan dress). For these reasons her new album frequently creeps into my CD
player and I cite it as one of the better albums of this year. -Kim Gengler
Wake
Smile that Brian Wilson is Still Sane and Well
Bjork Fires Instruments, Hires Voices, Chews on Stick
Sound & Vision
Pixies Reunite like Dick Van Dyke Cast, but Better
16
Hip-Hop Spotlight: the MNeapolis Junction
Elevating the Masses to the 45th Parallel of Hip-Hop
Sound & Vision
Blackalicious. Intelligence, positivity, and Ed: Every time we do a live show, I feel like
we have achieved success. After a show
his rhyme style is bananas.
Jimmy D: Madlib, of course, and El-P. when some stranger comes up and tells you
Favorite MC right now is Vordul from that they like your music and they feel what
you’re saying, that is success right there.
Cannibal Ox.
Boxcar: Biz Markie, Kool Keith and Cadaver: Long-term goals would be getting
Lytyrics, I think DJ Tada and Patty Mack a label. Other then that … the big crowds,
sold out shows, VIP
are my greatest
status, the afterinfluences
parties, the whole
with
the
DJ
thing, cause we
“It was the junction: people popularity thing; that
would be great. I
started together.
from all over making great
can’t deny that.
Optix: The only
music
in
one
place.”
The Wake: Say
goals I have is to
you were doing
-Ed Textkeep going on the
a show and this
path I’ve been put
kid – Dan – kept
on, and success,
yelling shit at
everything Cadaver says.
you. How would you deal with Dan?
Ed: When we perform we usually have good Jimmy D: I’m all about growing as a producer
reactions from the crowds, lots of positivity. every single day. Mastering equipment and
But one time, I was in a battle at the Pasta flexing styles in new ways is crucial. But
Bar and this cat, Ice Rod, told me I should what’s most important is connecting with
kill myself. Then he told me my whole other people and working on projects.
family should get West Nile. I just brushed Helping people accomplish their goals is
it off. Harsh stuff like that isn’t worth what it’s all about. Making moves.
Boxcar: Respect due amongst the cats
worrying about; sticks and stones . . .
that are doing what we’re doing, the
The Wake: How can people get / hear your peeps out there, struggling to get by, but
are still doing it for the love of the music.
music?
Ed: You can always get a copy of our album
at our shows, sometimes free. We haven’t
been released in stores yet. But, if you email
us we can send one to you.
Optix: You can hear our music at shows and
if you find us we got backpacks full of CDs
for sale.
Photos By Brie Cohen
MNeapolis Junction is (clockwise from lower left): Michael Knowlen (aka Cadaver),
Mike Hastert (aka Ed Text), James Delong (aka Jimmy D), Asei Tendle (aka Boxcar
Ira) and Andrew Frizzell (aka Optix).
By Frederic Hanson
Wake
This is the first installment of a continuing
series looking at local hip-hop artists and
musicians.
December 15, 2004
THE
15
All things come together at the
Minneapolis Junction – so say Ed Text,
Jimmy D, Cadaver, Optix, Boxcar Ira, and
Rob T. They are MNeapolis Junction, an
artistic, aptly-named group of lyrical and
musical artisans straight from the Twin
Town underground. Recently, The Wake
had the chance to speak with them about all
things hip-hop.
The Wake: What are some of your influences?
Where are you coming from musically?
Optix: Everything influences our music.
Life happens and we create music from the
heart. What we listen to doesn’t necessarily
form our own sound, but our sound does
reflect our influences.
Ed Text: Influences are abound with us. As
artists, we are influenced by all forms of art;
whether it’s on wax, on canvas, on a train
car, in a video, or wherever. Life itself is my
biggest inspiration.
The Wake: How’d you get your name?
What’s the meaning behind it?
Ed Text: The name MNeapolis Junction
came about when our friend from Montana
was here. Originally, Jimmy D, our friend
Brad – Kumpas – from Montana, and I were
making an EP together. We did five dope
tracks in a week and then Brad left. After
he was gone we decided to keep making
more tracks and get the rest of the family on
it. It was the junction: people from all over
making great music in one place.
Jimmy D: The Junction is just that, a
junction created by many angles of creative
musical expression.
The Wake: Who
are some of your
favorite rappers?
DJs?
Optix: Qwel, from
Typical Cats. His
lyrical content and
style is amazing
and Boxcar Ira on
the ones and twos
is super fresh.
Cadaver:
No
favorites, but in
steady
rotation
I
dig
El-P’s
production
and
lyrically,
Aesop
Rock
Ed Text:
Lyrically, nobody
impresses
me
more than Gift
of
Gab
from
The Wake: What do you think about the
new McDonald’s rap-inspired commercials?
Boxcar: I feel like they finally reached out
to people like myself, who just didn’t feel
like Mc-e-dees had done much in the past to
reach out to me & mines, now they’ve given
us a McVoice.
Optix: One word, Garbage.
Ed: I saw this carpet commercial the other
day where Santa started break-dancing. I
didn’t know St. Nick could do flares, that’s
nuts. Besides, what kind of country would
we be if we didn’t have major media to
reduce our livelihood down to gimmicks
and catch phrases?
MNeapolis Junction has shows every
month. Check their website for updates,
http://clik.to/mnjunction. They play this
December 22nd at the Terminal Bar with
Carnage and at Gastof’s on the 30th with the
Foundation. Cadaver and Optix are working
on the Enemy Entropist album which will be
done in early 2005.
The Wake: What are your goals right now?
What is success to you guys?
We Love You Julie
You Are Choice.
Sound & Vision
Rollin’ At The Roller Derby
Tegan and Sara Unleash
Canadian Fury Upon the Quest
On August 20, 1966 the world was blessed with a kind, fun loving man who became one
of the greatest guitar players to walk the face of the planet. In Columbus, Ohio on December
8, 2004 he was taken away from us in a senseless act of violence. “Dimebag” Darrell
Abbott was playing a concert with his band Damageplan and a man jumped on the stage
and shot Darrell to death, and three others. “Dimebag” Darrell and brother Vinnie Paul
(also of Damageplan) were founding members in legendary metal band Pantera. Darrell’s
Exhorder-influenced groove laden thrash metal guitar playing, laced with ample shredding,
helped to define metal guitar playing in the 1990’s. Pantera released five albums, all metal
classics. After the dissolution of Pantera Darrell and Vinnie formed the band Damageplan
and released New Found Power in 2004. Darrell was known throughout the metal world as
one of its greatest guitar players as well as a good natured man who lived in revelry.
Darrell personally had a major effect on my life. In my senior year of high school
my friend Jake Diercks and I attended a Pantera concert. Before that night I didn’t listen
to music at all, but after being awed by Darrell’s guitar playing, the ferocity of vocalist
Phil Anselmo, as well as the superb drumming of Vinnie and Rex’s bass playing, I was an
unabashed metalhead. I know a great number of people in the metal scene who also give
Darrell and Pantera the credit for bringing them into metal. Darrell’s music was something
that gave great joy to millions of metalheads worldwide. Dimebag changed the face of
metal, for the better. The music of both Pantera and Damageplan will have deep meaning
for Darrell’s fans for the rest of their lives. The metal world sends its sincerest condolences
and prayers to the friends and families of all the people killed on December 8. And to
Darrell, believe our word as you unlock that door and pass the cemetery gates, you changed
the way we are, and we’ll always love you for it. Rest in peace our metal brother.
THE
Wake
December 15, 2004
Photos By Verity Baker
By Brant Johnson
Sound & Vision
By Verity Baker
I now know what it’s like to do something because of peer
pressure, and it’s all the fault of the Minnesota Roller Derby Girls.
The moment I walked into the Turf Club, these ridiculously hot girls
on roller skates started recruiting. Some of them have scrapes and
bruises and all of them are tough as nails. Knowing that these girls
can kick my ass is part of the reason I will end up having my jaw wired
shut. The other reason is that when you are drunk you are very open
to suggestion, thus I was the perfect target.
As one Roller Girl after another whizzed past me in some outfit
that would make anyone’s fetish list, it was hard to concentrate on the
task at hand: drinking. Also, I think I am writing a story on this one,
so I must to talk to these Roller Girls. Man, this job is hard. Having to
talk to really hot girls -- jealous much? Every time that I tried to talk
to one of the Roller Girls they would not say one word to me unless I
had signed up (sigh, the things I do for The Wake). So here is what
I have now committed to: practice at least two times a week, go out in
an outfit that I am sure my mother would be proud of, and of course,
drink.
Besides all the beer, underwear, arm wrestling and eyeliner, the
best part of the Roller Girls at the Turf Club is the fact that is was all
about the ladies. There were guys there, but I am sure they would
have been scared to even look a Roller Girl in the eye, let alone tell
them how unbelievably hot they are. One could do nothing but take
a side seat to the Roller Girls; sad to say even the bands that played
were not quite the show that the Roller Girls were.
So here is what I have learned from one night with the Roller
Girls: You can kick ass and still be wicked hot. Also that the practices
are at Cheap Skate, Sunday from 6 p.m. to8 p.m., Tuesday from 8:30
p.m. to 10:30 p.m. and Thursday 8:30 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. You will need
a helmet and a bad-itude. In addition, if you had any doubt that the
Roller Girls were true ladies, they sent a thank you card, right after
the Turf Club. That is true class.
Check out the RollerGirls at mnrollergirls.com.
In Memoriam:
“Dimebag” Darrel Abbot
14
jij & iji -By Eireann Lorsung-
Co
mix
The Broken Sidewalk -By Devin EnszThe Broken Sidewalk -By Devin Ensz-
Web Site of the Issue:
www.fat-pie.com/
flash.html
BASTARD
The Wake Picks
Mmm ... salad ...fingers.
Just Another Day -By Eli ZimmermanTHE
Wake
December 15, 2004
13
December 15, 2OO4
ll
Po
- ad
roi
12
The Wake Asks:
How Do You Pronounce This Hall Name: Wiley
Photo Poll By Brie Cohen
Wiley.
Israa Khan
Freshman
Psychology
Wiley...
Spencer Faust
Freshman
Theater
Wiley. I know, Wiley, Wiley.
Wiley is what I say.
Senior
Strategic Communications
The Wake Chats
With
Genealogists
The Wake Brings You:
Classroom Doodles!
thewakeisgood (12:55:23 PM): read the wake
zyd29g (12:55:25 PM): i got a nasty picture up on here, can ya find it?
wz51bc (12:55:31 PM): im kinda wet
thewakeisgood (12:55:36 PM): youʼre wet?
thewakeisgood (12:55:39 PM): im kinda wake
spongebobie8765 (12:55:39 PM): u guys should b thankful that ur alive
thewakeisgood (12:55:41 PM): you should be thankful for The Wake
wz51bc (12:55:50 PM): go here to see my pics
thewakeisgood (12:55:51 PM):go here to read The Wake…wakenews.org
x5yyct (12:55:57 PM): hey, i got my cam up what ya think of it?
thewakeisgood (12:56:12 PM): read the wake
v6kezf (12:56:12 PM): tonight i did the strangest thing
spongebobie8765 (12:56:13 PM): ok iʼll read the wake
thewakeisgood (12:56:26 PM): we have pics
zyd29g (12:56:29 PM): today i just did get my new see through panties, pic here
thewakeisgood (12:56:44 PM): not panties…fortnightly publication
zyd29g (12:56:53 PM): i love it here
thewakeisgood (12:57:06 PM): i know, the wake is choice!
zyd29g (12:57:09 PM): its simple, what you want is here as it says, its free!
thewakeisgood (12:57:57 PM): so is The Wake, itʼll get you laid
thewakeisgood (12:58:22 PM): fortnightly
v6kezf (12:58:22 PM): this link is for you baby
thewakeisgood (12:58:38 PM): this link is for you, wakenews.org…not the ache…WAKE
zyd29g (12:59:41 PM): tonight i did the strangest thing
thewakeisgood (12:59:46 PM): i get it already! did you read the wake?
We here at the fanturbertabulous Wake are extatic with the
response we got from the classroom doodles submissions.
In fact, we are so happy that we decided to print the ONE
submission that we had. Now come on people, get on board
the Wake Love Train and submit your choice classromm
doodles! We know you have em!
Classroom Doodle By Luc Nelson
Wiley.
Abby Frenzel
Freshman
Retail Merchandising
Step away from that hard-core news. Relax, harness your chi and read...
THE WAKE’s ARBITRARY AWARDS!
BEST reason that your majestic pet lion,
Zanzibar shouldnʼt eat you:
There is no reason. He definitely should eat you.
WORST idea ever in the history
of the world:
Eating BBQ without a moistee wipe.
BEST magazine besides The Wake:
The “Weʼre Pretty Good but Not as Good
as The Wake” Magazine.
BEST thing the name “Gabby” brings to
mind:
A very loud, large-breasted woman from New
York who is a publicist who is an aunt; sheʼs a
chain smoker who loves Shiraz. Sheʼs good, we
like her.
BEST thing thatʼs going to happen
to us:
Nothing. Weʼre doomed to hell.
BEST year:
Last year was a very good year.
Poetry
Awake
Tonight I am roused from vicodin sleep by alley cats
“You betta’ get up off me niggah!” a woman’s voice
I am lonely for a touch
I would be content
The woman is a girl sitting in the alley
Where every afternoon there is a “car show”
with the push that D gives hard
to knock the girl two steps back
Beautiful Puerto Rican and black boys
Hang out in the shade
Would that be enough contact
for good sleep?
Drink and smoke
You can smell it
She laughs
Bottles clang in the night
and smoke
rich and comforting
maybe
I want to be the girl in the street
Asking, “D, you mad? D, you mad?”
And the silence that follows tells me
That it is not enough
Getting up and dusting off
And leading D into the dark
By Ayme Almendarez
LITERARY
When it rains it pours but tonight is a drought
And let me tell you it is dry
Poetry
Pearl
As Dylan Thomas wrote his villanelle,
The sea sucked up the frame sky downward hurled.
Icarus touched the sun before he fell.
Wax worshipped sun and father’s bond did melt,
white feathers round the sinking dove light twirled,
Icarus touched the sun before he fell.
“Subservience”
By Andrew Lange
h 144 x w 56 x d 20 in.
THE
Wake
That feeling heart’s descent no man could tell,
it filled the mouth and lungs, words limped and curled,
As Dylan Thomas wrote his villanelle.
Sculpture
Boy’s skin, a boiled tomato peeled like a bell,
boy’s life, like twined red ribbon blown unfurled,
as Dylan Thomas wrote his villanelle.
The sea with salty eyes and wide tears swells,
and though it has no heart, holds many pearls.
As Dylan Thomas wrote his villanelle,
Icarus touched the sun before he fell.
By Danika Stegeman
December 15, 2004
Who knew the sun could weep a watery hell,
upset the waves and break the shell that whirled?
Icarus touched the sun before he fell.
11
Literary
December 15, 2004
10
Short Fiction
why I don’t look up at night
“What if all the stars were already dead?” This is how he breaks the silence. Bastard. Weird bastard. I take him out here to this stupid frozen
pond and sit with him until our cheeks look like mottled marble, cold white and pale red, sit listening to my teeth grind until I choke out what I need to
say. He just brushes my hand with his, leaving his pinky resting on the grey wool of my glove where I can’t feel it (but know it’s there)—and stares back
out over the pond. And now this. I take my hand out from under his finger and pretend to myself that I’m going to get up and walk home without him.
“Huh?” I say.
“Every single one could have already supernovaed and burned out. Shined its last shine, and all we’re getting are reruns.”
“Not re-runs. Original broadcasts.”
“Last broadcasts. Maybe we’ve been looking at an empty sky all our lives and not even known it.”
I think about all the stars going out one by one, snapping out with a solemn clap like the way cell block lights shut down in prison shows, one by
one, until there’s nothing left but bare black sky and no one will ever see a star again.
“New stars are born all the time,” is what I say.
When we’re standing outside of my lousy goddamn
dormitory he takes my hand in his and squeezes. I’m too cold to feel it.
Years later I stand in a city where you can never see the
stars, where you can hardly see the sky through a low dome of smog-reflected
city light, holding two frozen TV dinners in my hands. I’m trying to decide between Cherry Chiken Delite and Paradice-d Pork (with creamy potatoes)
when this voice cuts in.
“Carol? Carol is that you?”
“Julie?”
“Oh my god. What are you doing? I’m rescuing you. I’m going to feed you a fancy dinner, and you’re going to feed me all the gossip you know.”
“Wait—what—“
“Come on!”
When the food comes Julie takes out her retainer and sets it on the table. Perfect false white teeth poke out of it at odd angles, bright plastic
bound by wires and gilded with light spittle. It looks like a monster’s crown.
Julie lives in the city now, an editor for the Big Magazine here. She tells me she has adopted a Somalian girl. She tells me she married an
astrophysicist.
“David once told me that all the stars could have burned out millions of years ago, and no one would even know,” I say. When Julie laughs, the
gaps in her teeth wink like eyes.
“God. That sounds just like him—the poor guy.”
“What do you mean?”
“Didn’t you know? He died a couple of years ago. Swarmed to death by bees. Can you believe it?” Julie shudders. “God, I hate bees.”
Lying on my bed, I clutch a tissue box to my chest like an offering. For the first time, I think about what happens to the light of a dead star. After
it passes the earth, where does it go? Could you look the other direction and watch it get farther and farther away? When all the stars go out, will the
light remain—skating through emptiness forever, until it bends back and comes around again?
By Alex Davy
Meditation from the Editor:
I thought, in honor of finals week, I’d change things up with a calming meditation.
Close your eyes and say:
I am smart. The fact that I am even in college says that I am in the top two-percent of the most educated people on the planet. (really) I can do this. If I
am not a Freshman: I have done this before. If I am a Freshman: I am surrounded by people who have made it through this. I am smart and I can do this
and there is an end to all of this. This will end and I will have a real life outside of O-chem or Shakespeare or Art History or Trig. No matter what, come
December 22nd, 2004…the semester will be over.
Have a good one. Sincerely, your humble and calm Editor—Zachary Cody Lee Carlsen
P.M.S. (post meditation script, that is)
With your free time over break: SEND SUBMISSIONS—ALL TYPES, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE!
zcarlsen@wakenews.org
Huzzah! You’ve Been
By Vincent Staupe
Voices
Staff Writer
It’s the most wonderful time of the
year, or so that Prozac-infused song
affirms. Personally, the commercialism of
the holidays and the rigors of preparing
for finals leave much to be resented.
Nevertheless, you find yourself celebrating
with friends at a local dance bar having,
surprisingly, a good time. And it’s there,
while you’re feigning being a dancer on
the floor surrounded by your boyfriend/
girlfriend and friends, after you’ve offered
him/her to spend the night (again) that
you’re hit with the phrase like a whack-amole. Wham.
Suddenly, inexplicably, the rules
change. An “I’ve been dumped” card
appears in your hand like a golden ticket
in a candy bar. And now you’re able
to do all sorts of things
like throw empty objects
(choose only one please
–Miller Lite Bottle, Pint of
Ben & Jerry’s or a wine
bottle, preferably Shiraz)
at
that
so-bad-it’s-good
“Chrismahanukwanzakah”
commercial. You’re also able
to watch hours of that high
school drama show, “Degrassi”
on Noggin (the cable network for
teens) as you fantasize about a simpler
time when it seemed the only issue in
your life was when your single mother
dated your science teacher. You can even
admit your fondness for the “Ashley”
character to your friends without guilt or
embarrassment, when they looked at you
with that “you’re a freak” expression on
their faces. Simply pull out, “I’ve been
dumped,” like it’s an American Express
Platinum card.
Now, in all seriousness there is a
major issue I must now address – namely,
to the number of people out there who are
absolute morons when it comes to dumping
someone. Luckily, dear reader, for those
dumpers who are tastefully waiting until
after the holidays and semester, I’ve come
up with a few things one should remember
when uttering those infamous last words,
“We should talk” (take note, O ye who shall
not be named, But I’ll Label Licentiously)!
ll
Po
-ad
roi
Illustration By Sam Soule
Dumped!
Unless
you get off on watching
your significant other squirm in agony,
please save them some dignity and be as
quick and efficient as possible. Do the dirty
deed in a quiet, well-lit place, where it is just
the two of you. If you are afraid of being, say,
chucked in the head with whatever’s within
the dumpee’s grasp, then choose a coffee
shop with suspect clientele where there won’t
be any shiny objects laying out on any of the
The Wake Asks:
tables.
B
e
forewarned, however,
that coffee is hot when thrown in your
face. Also, if the two of you are involved
in a student group or activity wait at least
a week or two before rejoining the group
activity (underline the following, you
aforementioned unnamable). And with that,
I wish you and yours (or just you) a Happy
Chrismahanukwanzakah!
Vincent Staupe welcomes comments,
stories, and inquiries about where to send
bottles of Shiraz at letters@wakenews.org.
Photo Poll By Andy Tyra
Wake
Whatʼs the worst break-up line youʼve ever received?
December 15, 2004
THE
9
“There’s just not enough joy in your life.”
“I just don’t feel like being with you all
the time.”
“My boyfriend’s new girlfriend called me
and said, ‘Stop calling him. He has a new
girlfriend. Your relationship is over.’ I
was so confused”
“It was in sixth grade. She knew I liked
her, so she said, ‘I really like you.’ And I
said, ‘Really? So do I.’ Then she said, ‘Oh,
just kidding.’ And she laughed, and so
did everyone else. To this day, it hurts.”
–Greta Steiffert–
Junior, Public Relations
–Elliot Johnson–
Sophmore, Biology
–Mao Lee–
Freshman, Undecided
–Paul Jackson–
Senior, MIS
VOICES
December 15, 2004
8
Hail The First Lady?
Hillary was exercising her power as a senior people in Virginia through the death of her
litigating partner of a law firm in Little Rock, first husband in 1757. Marrying her, George
Arkansas. In 1991 National Law Journal gained 20,000 acres of land, 23,000 British
named her, at 41, one of the hundred most pounds and two homes.
powerful
lawyers
Throughout the
in
the
nation.
years, a number of
Clearly Bill, as the
first ladies have
A number of the first ladies the
young Democratic
sculpted the culture
have sculpted the culture and of our nation
governor
of
Arkansas, was not
as much as their
of our nation as much as
the only Clinton
husbands. Martha
their husbands.
bringing
home
Washington, Jackie
the bacon. In fact,
Kennedy, Eleanor
Hillary made the
Roosevelt, Hillary
majority of the income. This was the only Clinton. These women each had something
time in history that a first lady had an income to contribute to the political arena that their
so far exceeding that of her husband.
husbands alone could not. These women,
Even before Hillary, there were a although playing a secondary role in the
number of first ladies who brought a great White House, played a first-class role in the
deal of wealth to their husbands through history of the nation.
marriage. The first, first lady, Martha
Washington became one of the wealthiest
Kelsey
Snyder
is
a
history
Voices
THE
December 15, 2004
Illustration By Molly Wick
Wake
dedication that this occurred. During
his recovery time, Eleanor traveled and
campaigned for her husband.
Eleanor’s devotion to her causes made
her a great woman of the era. Millions of
Americans wrote letters to her -- not her
husband -- asking for policy change or
expressing how pleased they were with
the administration. Eleanor also wrote a
newspaper column. When women reporters
were not allowed in the White House press
room to see the president, Eleanor held
By Kelsey Snyder
press conferences elsewhere just for female
journalists.
Guest Columist
While traditionally first ladies merely
They say that behind every great man threw parties and served as hostesses for
is a great woman. This is certainly true for social events, Eleanor was the first wife of
the U.S. presidents and their wives. But a president with an official position in her
how is it that some presidencies turn into husband’s administration. (The only other
is Hillary Clinton.) She was a member of
more of a joint venture?
the Office of Civilian
When one thinks of
Defense, working with
John Kennedy, what
is the next thing that
Like few women of her the mayor of New York
City to prepare the
comes to mind? His
time, Eleanor Roosevelt civilian population for
elegant wife Jackie, of
World War II. She held
was a genius in the
course. And when the
this position for only
topic of Bill Clinton’s
political arena.
five weeks. Eleanor
administration enters
came to understand
a conversation, who
that she would never
is the next person
thought of -- his wife, Sen. Hillary Rodham be seen as a serious political leader due to a
Clinton, D-NY. When a president is elected great deal of criticism and ridicule.
Years later, The Kennedys captured
into office, so is his wife.
Eleanor Roosevelt, for example, is often the hopes and dreams of the 1960s. Jackie
regarded as the woman who started the Kennedy added style to the White House.
first-lady revolution. Her husband, Franklin At 31, she did not possess the political
Delano Roosevelt, is often attributed as ambition of her husband, or even Eleanor
being the third greatest president in our Roosevelt. She was the shining star of the
history, only behind George Washington White House for a distinct reason: her
and Abraham Lincoln. He said of his wife, widely imitated fashion and lifestyle. When
“I am sometimes a little selfish and make Jackie Kennedy wore a style, it was certain it
life a trifle dull for her really brilliant mind would appear on nearly every woman in the
United States.
and spirit.”
Jackie would often befriend cold White
Like few women of her time, Eleanor
was a genius in the political arena. Without House guests. By the end of their visits
her dedication and drive, FDR would not they would be walking through the halls
have overcome polio or returned to politics. arm in arm with her. She even charmed the
It was through her encouragement and culture minister of France, Andre Malraux,
into loaning the Mona Lisa to the National
Gallery in Washington, D.C. The most
famous illustration of Jackie’s popularity is
when Jack Kennedy played the role of first
The Wake Student Magazine
husband. Speaking to 540 reporters upon
welcomes ideas from readers for
returning from a trip to France, Jack said,
opinion pieces.
“I am the man who accompanied Jacqueline
Ideas should focus on campus,
Kennedy to Paris.”
national, or international issues, and
Hillary Rodham Clinton: whether you
how they affect students.
love or hate her, you cannot ignore the fact
Please send pitches to:
that she is one of the most powerful women
in the world today. Few politicians hold such
cwilson@wakenews.org
a commanding and intelligent presence.
Hillary was the first wife of a president to
Conrad Wilson, contributing editor
demand an office in the west wing of the
The Wake Student Magazine
White House instead of the traditional east
1313 5th Street SE Suite 331
wing. When questioned, President Clinton
Minneapolis, MN 55414
simply said, “It is done.”
Even before her reign as first lady,
8
Future Stars from the Big Ten
Lawrence Maroney – Minnesota
In only his sophomore season, Maroney has showcased many talents
that will make him an NFL prospect. Maroney has great speed and
the ability to break any run for a touchdown. He scored in all but two
games this season, rushed for over six yards a carry, and is only 19
years old!
Braylon Edwards-Michigan
Edwards has great size at 6-3, along with great hands. He may not
be the fastest receiver in College Football but will do well in the
NFL because of his ability to take over a game with big plays and his
consistency on game day.
Erasmus James – Wisconsin
James is an exceptional pass rusher with above average run stopping
ability. He is 6-4, 260 pounds and will tickle the feathers of many NFL
defensive coordinators on draft day.
Fall Semester Most Valuable GopherGreg Eslinger
When a team has as good of a rushing attack as
the Minnesota Gophers, it’s easy pat the running
backs on the back. But it all starts on the line, and
no one has been more instrumental in Lawrence
Maroney and Marion Barber’s success than junior
center Greg Eslinger. Not only was he a Lombardi
Award semi-finalist, he made the freaking Playboy
All-American team. *Hint for Gopher athletes:
Make the Playboy All-America team, and you will
be mentioned in The Wake.
Fantasy Football Sleeper of the
Year – Curtis Martin
Athletics
Biggest Waste of Space – Michael Olowokandi
This Timberwolves dud once proclaimed himself the next best center in the NBA.
Sorry, Kandi-man, but your ship sailed long ago, and you’re drifting in a sea of
mediocrity. Maybe if you spent more time on basketball and less time refusing to
leave Indianapolis night clubs until the police have to use a stun gun on you, you’d
be an alright player. But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon.
Martin has been overshadowed by
dominant backs like Priest Holmes and
Jamal Lewis over the past couple years, but
this year fantasy owners of Curtis Martin
should be thanking the sleeper gods. At
thirty one years old, Sir Curtis is on pace
for another 1500 yard rushing season,
which he has not been able to accomplish
since 2001. In addition to piling up yards,
Martin is quietly on pace to make 2004 a
career best all across the board, hoping
to end his tenth year in the league with 15
scores. Considering he only had three end
zone trips last year, this is a huge increase
for Martin. Congratulations to the fantasy
owners who gambled on the veteran in
their Fantasy Football leagues this season.
THE
Wake
December 15, 2004
Worst to First Award – Willis McGahee
In his second season, Willis McGahee has shown the NFL his extraordinary talent after not taking one snap last year for the Buffalo Bills. The lack of playing time last year was
due to a knee injury and the rehabilitation that was required to cure the injury. This season McGahee has started only six games and has scored seven times. He is also is on pace
for over 1,000 yards. McGahee won the running back battle after starting for the injured Travis Henry and outperforming him during that time. With Drew Bledsoe scrambling as
well as a hard-boiled egg, McGahee gives Buffalo a much-needed ground attack.
7
2004
Athletics
December 15, 2004
6
Wake End of the Semester Awards
The John Kerry Flip Flop
Award- Moe Hargrow
The one-time promising Gopher
Basketball player decided to jump ship
last year and transfer to Arkansas. It
seemed he didn’t like his role in the
Kris Humphries-super offense. Flash
forward to a Humphries-less roster
this year, and the St. Paul native is
back in Minnesota… How convenient.
Hargrow transferred back to the U, but
is ineligible this year.
The Clem Haskins Low-Light Award- Minnesota/Indiana football game
This game had to be the low-light of a very disappointing football season. It wasn’t so much that it was Indiana’s only
Big Ten win on the season. It wasn’t so much the fact that our receivers couldn’t catch a cold, dropping at least two
touchdowns. It wasn’t so much how, with three minutes left, we couldn’t stop them from getting first down after first
down by running the ball down our throat to close out the game. The real problem was that I drove twelve hours to see
the shittiest football game in my history as a Gopher fan.
1997 Final Four Non-Existent Award- Paris Hamilton
This Gopher football wide out entered the season with high expectations after sitting out last year with a knee injury. When
this guy transferred to the Gophers from Tyler Junior College in 2003, the hype surrounding him increased by the day.
Last year, he was a preseason All Big Ten pick, but had to miss the season because of injury. Moving ahead to this year,
Hamilton once again was a preseason All Big Ten pick, but this time he was healthy. The problem? He only caught four
passes.
NFL Rookie of the Year – Ben
Roethlisberger
Writing By Lane Trisko and Craig Rentmeester
Illustrations By Sam Soule
Ben Roethlisberger has been nothing short of
dynamite for the Steelers this year. After taking
over for Tommy Maddox in the third game of the
season, Big Ben has catapulted the Steelers into
first place. The key to his amazing record has been
the consistency of the Steelers running game and
his touchdown to turnover ratio. Jerome Bettis and
Duce Staley have given Roethlisberger a reliable
threat on the ground. Also, Big Ben has a two to
one touchdown to inception ratio which has been a
major key to his amazing record as a starter. Look
for future success from this confident rookie in
Pittsburgh.
Shame On You, Coke!
Corporate accountability group
accuses Coke of stealing water
Morris (now Altria) for undisclosed risks
about use of tobacco products.
Corporate Accountability demands
If Coca-Cola didn’t make a net income
of $5.9 billion in a year, it might evoke that Coca-Cola close its plants permanently
sympathy. Coke is under fire again, this in India’s communities of Plachimada and
time from the same group that nearly Mehdiganj to prevent further lowering of
shut Nestlé down for contaminated infant water tables.
The Kerala High Court ruled in a case
formula in Africa and South America in the
that disputed the use
1970s.
of water in Plachimada,
This
time,
India that groundwater
Corporate Accountability
Because of the
is common property.
International,
formerly
This limits the amount
known as Infact, now
dramatic drop
of water Coca-Cola is
says
that
Coke
is
in usable water,
allowed to use.
overstressing
water
In response to CAI’s
tables in India. In one
people have begun
allegations,
Coca-Cola
community, Plachimada,
using water in
spokesperson
Scott
the groundwater level
polluted rivers
Williamson stated that
decreased by 40 feet,
an analysis by Coke,
according to information
for bathing and
independent laboratories
provided by CAI.
drinking.
and
the
Indian
The group says that
government
showed
because of the dramatic
that production of Coke
drop in usable water,
people have begun using water in polluted does not harm the environment. Williamson
rivers for bathing and drinking. This causes also noted that, globally, Coke decreased its
the spread of cholera, a bacteria-based water use last year, even while increasing
production volumes.
disease often associated with pollution.
This is not the first time that Coca-Cola
In mid-November, CAI sponsored an
event where students who share complaints has come under the scrutiny of the eyes of
about Coca-Cola could call a hotline and college students.
The student senate of Carleton College,
leave a message asking Coke to, “Stop
stealing water.” The exact total of calls located in Northfield, Minn., voted to end its
has not yet been tabulated, but according vending contract because of the murder of
to Minneapolis organizer Jacek Pruski, several Coca-Cola union workers in South
hundreds have called to protest Coke’s American countries, including Columbia.
The vote resulted from visits from an
actions across the country.
The protests in the United States organization called Killer Coke. This group’s
latest advancement came
are joined with efforts
in
early
December
from India as well. Last
when NYU’s student life
month, more than 1,000
Carleton College
committee recommended
people marched 150
a ban on the sale of Coke
miles in 12 days to protest
voted to end its
products on campus.
Coca-Cola’s overuse of
vending contract
The group makes
water. Police arrested
allegations of Coca-Cola
some marchers before
because of the
locking employees into
they reached the Cocamurder of several
a plant to force them into
Cola plant destination.
Coca-Cola union
resigning their union
According to CAI, police
contracts.
are still detaining three
workers in South
In response to these
people.
American countries. allegations, Coke has
CAI, in its previous
posted another Web site
life as Infact, protested
called www.cokefacts.org
Nestlé Corporation in
1977, estimating that millions of infants saying, “The pervasive violence in Colombia,
died due to contaminated water mixed with and the targeting of union members by its
the formula. Among other past and present perpetrators, has, unfortunately, touched
causes are General Electric for its support The Coca-Cola Company in a very personal
of nuclear weapons programs and Phillip way. Employees of our Company and
By Kay Steiger
Campus
THE
Wake
December 15, 2004
bottling partners in Colombia have been
threatened, kidnapped, and some have even
been murdered.”
The university is in the midst of its
10-year contract with Coke, and groups like
CAI are not currently asking for universities
to boycott Coke or end the vending
contract.
“There is a possibility of a boycott in
the future,” Pruski says, “and in the past
Infact’s boycott against Nestle was very
successful.”
Illustration By Éireann Lorsung
5
Campus
December 15, 2004
4
THE MAN BEHIND THE PLATE
A portrait of the
president at the U
By Abigail Mackenzie
An hour to exercise his mind and body is
all the president of the University of Minnesota
needs to have a good day.
With a smile, President Robert Bruininks
adds a good day is also a day where he can
imagine a major increase in state funding for
the university.
Throughout the interview, Bruininks loops
back to the struggle the university faces in the
Minnesota Legislature. Despite the financial
difficulties the university faces, Bruininks
remains an optimist.
It shows.
One of his favorite poems, by Emily
Dickenson begins,
“Hope” is the thing with feathersThat perches in the soulAnd sings the tune without the wordsAnd never stops-at all
Bruininks himself never seems to stop. The
tall, lean man whose white hair frames a strong
profile is in constant motion. He moves about his
spacious office, plucking a picture of his favorite
horse from the floor-to-ceiling shelves that line
a wall.
A typical week is 70 hours with days that
begin before dawn and end well past sunset
during the short days in Minnesota winter
months. He has dinner meetings four to five
nights a week and seldom eats dinner at home.
Home is Eastcliff. The white, expansive,
colonial-style house sits on land overlooking
the Mississippi river and has been home to
university presidents for the last 46 years.
According to Bruininks, Eastcliff affords the
best view of downtown Minneapolis in the Twin
Cities.
Bruininks shares the house with his wife
President Robert Bruininks has worked at the University for the last 36 years.
Susan Hagstrum, his dog Dunbar, and over 7,000 universities in the country.
Bruininks has worked for the University of
visitors every year. Events are constantly being
held at Eastcliff, so often in fact that Bruininks Minnesota for the last 36 years. He has seen the
university through the eyes of a professor, dean,
has trouble keeping up with the schedule.
Once, when a fraternity was hosting parents executive vice-president provost, and finally as
for a Sunday brunch at Eastcliff, Bruininks the president.
As president, Bruininks
wandered
downstairs
misses teaching. He enjoyed
oblivious to what was going
teaching because it was
on, a scene that has replayed
A typical week is
always challenging.
itself in different ways a few
“You get to learn along
times.
70 hours with days
Mishaps like these may
with the students. There
that begin before
wasn’t a semester where I felt
happen at Eastcliff, but once
I didn’t learn more than the
Bruininks gets to work he
dawn and end well
students,” Bruininks says.
carries an intricate computerpast sunset.
The more than a quarter
generated schedule, which
outlines his highly structured
century Bruininks has spent
at the university shows.
day. Looking at it tells you
where Bruininks is supposed to be at any given He said his favorite band is the Minnesota
Marching Band (along with the Grateful Dead),
moment during the week.
Despite his busy schedule, Bruininks and his favorite song is the Minnesota Rouser;
figures he is the best-fed man on campus. he knows the words by heart.
When he tries to relax, Bruininks says
With all of the lunches and dinners he attends
Bruininks calls himself the all-you-can-eat man he heads for the comfort of close friends and
and sites his full stomach as one of the biggest family.
perks of being president at one of the largest
“When you live your life in a crowd, one of
Photo Courtesy of the University of Minnesota
the best ways to relax is to hang out with family
and friends,” Bruininks says.
Some of Bruininks’ closest friends walk on
all fours. Bruininks began horseback riding five
years ago and hasn’t stopped since. Becoming
president of the university did make it a little
harder to find time to ride, but that doesn’t stop
Bruininks from saddling up Champagne Happy
Hour, his favorite horse, for some friendly
competition at the Minnesota State Fair.
When he does have free time and he’s
isn’t horseback riding, Bruininks likes to take a
break from all the university catered meals and
head over to some of his favorite restaurants in
St. Paul like Café 128 near St. Thomas (where he
likes the fish) or Pad Thai on Grand Ave.
He also likes to unwind with a beer or
good red wine, but says he rarely indulges in
alcohol. President Bruininks enjoys reading and
listening to jazz as well.
When he decides to move on, President
Bruininks says he hopes he leaves the university
a stronger place. “I want to leave this university
stronger academically and financially when I
found it. I want people to know the best days are
still ahead at the University.”
Vol.3 Issue 7
THE
Wake
December 15,
2OO4
Student Magazine
Campus
Athletics
Voices
-10-12-14-
Literary
Editor In Chief
Executive Administrator
Campus Editor
Contributing Editor
9
6
18
Lane Trisko
Art Director
Brie Cohen
Photo Editor
Andy Tyra
Web Editor
Andy Tyra
Advertising Executive
Cover Art
Photography
-16- Ashlee Simpson Does Milli Vanilli
From the Editors
Conrad Wilson
Athletics Editor
Cover Stories
-4- President Robert Bruininks Gets Personal
Kay Steiger
Zachary Carlsen
Illustrators/Cartoons
-9- Huzzah! You Got Dumped!
Julie Seebold
Literary Editor
Graphic Design
-6- Move Over Oscars! It’s Athletics Awards Time!
Frederic Hanson
Frederic Hanson
Business Manager
4
Morgon Mae Schultz
Sound & Vision Editor
Copy Editors
Bastard Pages
Sound & Vision
Established in 2002, The Wake is an independent
fortnightly magazine, produced by and for students
at the University of Minnesota. The Wake is a
registered student organization.
Managing Editor
WWW.WAKENEWS.ORG
CONTENTS
-4-6-8-
The Wake
Contributing Writers
Melanie Bloom
Marissa Krzmarzick
Julie Seebold
Chris Compton
Megan Steidl
Eli Zimmerman
Zachary Carlsen
Brie Cohen
Heather Iselin
Eric Price
Morgon Mae Schultz
Kay Steiger
Devin Ensz
Erieann Lorsung
Sam Soule
L. Strange
Molly Wick
Eli Zimmerman
Verity Baker
Brie Cohen
Andy Tyra
Ayme Alernandez
Verity Baker
Alex Davy
Kim Gengler
Frederic Hanson
Brandt Johnson
Abigail Mackenzie
Craig Rantmeester
Kelsey Snyder
Vincent Staupe
Craig Stegman
Kay Steiger
Lane Trisko
Dear Readers,
As we cram toward that fat three-week vacation, let us remember those of us who will not
be cashing a student-loan check in February: those brave souls heading toward cubicular
confinement -- our graduating friends. And none of the class of the fall of 2004 will be missed
so much as our beloved, much-appreciated and much-relied-upon office manager, Julie
Seebold, who is heading to Iowa to become much-relied upon at a TV station there. Good
luck, Julie. We heart you.
Morgon Mae Schultz, editor in chief
Frederic Hanson, managing editor
The Wake was founded by
Chris Ruen and James Delong.
The Wake
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Minneapolis, MN 55414
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With letters, please include your name,
year and college. The Wake does not
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© 2004 All Rights Reserved
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THE
vol.3 issue.7
www.wakenews.org
Wake
Student Magazine
MoveOverOscars!It’sAthleticsAwardsTi me!
AshleeSi mpsonDoesM illiVa n illi
H uzza h!Yo uG otDu mped!
PresidentRobertBru i n i nksGetsPersonal
The U’s Fortnightly Student Magazine
December 15, 2004