Viz - September 2015

2015 IT
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248
SEPT 2015
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They don’t like
it up ’em!
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etterbocks
Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841
Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ
letters@viz.co.uk
!
!
EVERYONE’S always going on
about it being dangerous to feed
bread to ducks because it’s bad for
their digestive system or something.
Well I’m 32 and I fed bread to ducks
hundreds of times as a child, and as far
as I know they’re all still alive.
Swadlincote McBain, e-mail
IF the speed of light, c, is a
constant, what’s the point of
squaring it in E=mc2? It’s not going to
be any quicker. I think Einstein must
have been on drugs or something.
J Thorn, Hexham
IF I had a time machine, I’d use
it to go back to 1970 when bread
was just 12p a loaf, which would be a
massive saving on my weekly shopping
bill. However, I’m not sure if when I
brought it back, it would still be fresh
or would be a 45-year-old loaf I’d just
paid for. If the latter is the case, then I
think that even at 12p it’s pretty poor
value for money.
Renton Dolittle, Surrey
!
!
ONE thing I don’t
understand about
Harry Potter is that one
of the subjects they study
is Mythical Creatures.
Then in one lesson
they are taken into the
forest and come face to
face with a hypogriff.
In my book it’s hardly
a mythical creature if you’re standing
there looking at the bloody thing.
Letitia Ogden-Nash
YOU
don’t
see as much of
Jimmy Nail on
the TV as you
used to back
in the 80s and
90s, do you?
Back then,
if he wasn’t
laying bricks
in Dusseldorf
he was on Top
Of The Pops
singing about
footwear. I’d love to see more of him
on the box because he seems like such
a lovely man. In fact, I think there
should be a TV channel just about
Jimmy. They could call it BBC Nail or
ITV Oz, or something.
Winnie Whyayeman,
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
!
Book Plug Blow
for OAP Derek
B
OURNEMOUTH pensioner
Derek Philpott yesterday became the latest in
a long line of authors to be
REFUSED a free plug of their
book in the pages of Viz
Comic.
Philpott, 72, author of Dear Mr. Kershaw, A Pensioner Writes, a collection
of humorous letters to pop stars along
with their genuine tongue-in-cheek replies, was hoping that a tenuous link
with the comic would qualify him for a
free advert.
windows
“My friend at the bowls club has a
nephew who does the windows at the Viz
office,” said Philpott, 86. “He said he’d
sort out a free mention for my book.”
However, Viz editor Hampton Doubleday
poured cold water on Derek’s hopes.
ST★R
LETTER
!
AS someone who is highly
allergic to nuts, I am always
very careful when eating in
restaurants. So, when I visited the
toilet of a well-known Kensington
bistro between courses last week,
I was horrified to look in the mirror
and see that my lips were swollen
and I had pale, clammy skin. When
I tried to speak my voice was weak
and reedy. I was just about to call
an ambulance when I remembered
that I was Michael Gove.
M Gove, Westminster
!
PEOPLE often say stuff about
things, but I have to disagree
with them because of a number of
various reasons.
Ornithopter Wang, Silver Spring
WITH reference to those
letters a while back about
shitting the alphabet, I would like
to add my dump to the list. Once,
before wiping my arse I noticed I had
shit out one of those foreign O’s with
the line through them that they have
in Sweden and Denmark. I’m not
even Scandinavian, but I appear to
have some sort of multi-lingual arse.
Can any readers beat that?
Dave McNally, Glossop
HAVING not been touched
since the early 1950s, it now
seems that the Queen’s house needs
redecorating at a cost of £165 million.
Jesus, what has Phil playing been at
these past 65 years? It’s not like he’s
short of money or busy going to work.
My missus is on my back every five
minutes to paint the back bedroom
and I work six days a week.
Stuie, Bunny
WHY is it that when I visit
my local sperm bank the staff
insist on knowing how many days
it’s been since I last ejaculated? Yet
when I politely try and make similar
small-talk with the cashier in my local
branch of HSBC I get thrown out and
threatened with the police? I’ve closed
my account and will be taking my
business elsewhere from now on.
Will West, Chichester
!
!
!
!
WHILE
walking
home from
work the other
day, I happened
upon a bicycle
whose owner was
proudly demonstrating his enjoyment
of titwanks. Whether these titwanks
are soapy or not wasn’t specified. I’d
love to know whether any of your
other readers have encountered
similar references to preferred sexual
activities in sticker form?
Jo Minshull, Manchester
MR Minshull (above letter)
is guilty of overt sexism and
homophobia. The owner of the cycle
could easily have been a woman who
enjoyed titwanks with a lesbian friend.
I’m not sure exactly how they would
do it, but I would imagine there are
plenty of videos demonstrating the
practice on the internet if you cared to
look for them.
Hampton Twelvetrees, Tooting
WHILST Mr Twelvetrees (above
letter) is correct to point out
the sexist and homphobic nature of
Mr Minshull’s comments, the latter is
actually correct in his assumption that
the owner of the cycle is a man as it
has a crossbar, and ladies’ bikes don’t.
Pardew Roundman, Goole
‘ALWAYS a bridesmaid, never
a bride’ they said recently on
BBC’s The One Show. Well, I’ve never
been either. Current affairs? Fuck off.
Stu Lunn, Dublin
!
“When will people realise there are
no free plugs in Viz
Comic?” he told a
press conference
at the Fulchester
Holiday Inn. “It’s a
very good idea for
a book. It features
Philpott:
contributions from Disappointed.
Rick Wakeman,
Howard Jones and The Human League
and is genuinely very funny, and I wish www.planegroovy.com/philpott.html,”
Mr Philpott the best of luck with it. But if he said from the post office queue.
he wants to advertise it in Viz he has to
“My friend Wilf Turnbull who wrote
pay the going rate,” he added.
some of the letters, gave the book a free
The blow left Philpott, 92, wondering advert in his Allotment Society Newsletabout the future of his venture. “There’s ter, and the man at the sweetshop where
no way I could afford to pay for an ad- I buy my Werther’s Originals put a card
vert on my £56.75 a week pension. I in the window for nothing. I think it’s
just wanted a quick plug to say Dear Mr. very mean spirited of Viz not to follow
Kershaw costs £15 and is available from suit,” the sprightly 105-year-old added.
8
!
!
BuIlders. By cutting a panel in the
floor of your van, you can then hold
your chisel out and sharpen it on the
road while you’re driving to work.
N Knowles, Wickes
make sex with your wife’s more
attractive and more adventurous
sister last longer by imagining your
wife in her place.
Ian Hastings, Hastings
rural residents. Give your village
a metropolitan vibe by decorating
phone boxes with postcard-sized
pictures of scantily-clad birds in
provocative poses. Complete the effect by adding slogans like “pre-op
transsexual “ “O and A levels “ “reverse O and A levels” and “facials”.
Sir Rogie Bogan,
Buggery St Ffuckington
GoInG on a family trip but can’t fit
the dog in the car? Freeze him in
the standing position and slot him
onto the bike rack on the back. By
the time you arrive he will be defrosted and ready to play Frisbee.
Reg, Bristol
BuyInG heroin? Get a bit extra for
later, as it can be quite moreish.
Malcolm Alcock, e-mail
5
I recently took my car to a
local mechanic to be serviced.
After looking at the vehicle, he told
me that I needed a complete new
set of twelve Phisteris bolts at a cost
of £2,000. I was suspicious of his
findings so I went to another mechanic
who informed me that my particular
model of car only had six Phisteris
bolts. So I saved a cool grand on this
repair. Thank goodness that there are
still some honest mechanics out there.
Fenton Tailbuckle,
Spudly
5
Why don’t farmers farm
crabs instead of cattle or
sheep? Everyone loves eating crabs
and because they walk sideways, you
only need to put fencing around two
sides of the field.
D Cooper, East Grinstead
Instead of stealing nurses
from other countries to prop
up the NHS, why don’t we simply
send UK patients abroad for their
treatment? These countries usually
have much better weather than we
do, so the patients will have a nice
convalescence thrown in.
Richard Mills, Bristol
5
save money on the Guardian by
buying the Daily Mail and replacing
the words “asylum seekers” with
“climate change” in biro.
Myfanwy Hirohito, Humberside
chaIn smokers. Don’t let sleep stop
your habit. Simply get your hamster addicted so he can puff away
while you snooze. All the benefits of
second hand smoke, with a hamster
too out of breath to wake you up by
pissing about in his wheel.
Stanny Mac, Aberdeen
Poundland cigarette lighters are
a cheap, albeit random and unintentional, alternative to expensive
nasal hair trimmers.
Bob Cratchett, Bristol
keeP flies off your trifles this
summer by smearing dog foulage
around the rim of the bowl (taking
care not to make any go on the
trifle).
Fat Al White, Wrenthorpe
BuIldInG site workers. Keep your
heads cool in summer by putting
your woolly hats in the freezer the
night before going to work.
Steve Raynor, Nottingham
5
5
I’m afraid I’m going to have
to disappoint the thousands
of Viz readers who wrote in last issue
asking about my empty biscuit tin, as
I have now found a use for it myself storing broken biscuits. And not just
any old broken biscuits, mind. Quality
broken biscuits.
Richard Stainton, e-mail
5
Back in January the typical
daytime temperature was
about 3-4˚ Celsius, but right now the
temperature is about 20˚ C. If this
trend continues, by December we’ll
be seeing temperatures well up in the
high thirties. Is this country ready for
the massive influx of tourists flocking
to our Mediterranean climate?
Mike Oxgreen, Woking
the government wants
GPs’ surgeries to open 7
days a week. But GPs only work
Monday to Friday, so this means
that the surgeries will be open at
the weekends with nobody there,
and drug addicts will be able to just
wander in and help themselves.
They clearly haven’t thought this
one through.
Glen Hattersley, Stockport
5
I notIce that driving on the
right is completely legal in
Why
France whereas over here it’s illegal.
do
It seems to me that there’s one set of
we still have
laws for some people and a completely
to use car
different set of laws for other people
indicators in
like the French.
this day and
Mike Hatchard, St Leonards on Sea age? Surely
we should be
Why do they bother with signs
on fire hoses saying that it is not able to send
mind-signals
drinking water? The type of person
who likes to drink directly from a high or something
pressure fire hose is hardly going to be to the driver
behind telling
put off by a little thing like that.
James Huggett, Dubai them which
toptips@viz.co.uk
way we’re going, like in Scanners but
Why in doubles tennis do
without blowing their heads off. Come
they give each other high fives
What do all of them lazy,
on scientists, pull your finger out.
regardless of whether one of them has
workshy shirkers do these days
Glen Hattersley, Stockport
hit a winner or twatted it out of the
now that power naps have gone out
sInce
aircraft waiting to land
ground?
Don’t
congratulate
someone
of fashion? Not that it makes much
at Heathrow currently have to
for doing something shit. They’ll
difference. The ones I worked with
circle in a spiral ‘holding stack’ until
never learn.
who took these energy-charging kips
John Mason, e-mail there is space for them to land, why
were just as lazy and non-productive
don’t they simply build the controversial
I’m a City fan, and last week
afterwards as they were before.
third runway like a giant helter-skelter?
it dawned on me that if we
Gordon Bennet, Auckland
join the Euro, I’d have to change my It would take up no extra space, and
sInce speed humps never have MCFC tattoo to FCMC. And who’s they could generate extra income by
potholes in them, why doesn’t
charging kids a pound to slide down it
going to have to pay to get that
the council simply make all the roads
on mucky doormats during quiet times.
sorted? Muggins here.
out of speed hump material?
Nickers, Batley Continued
Mike, Manchester
Nickers, Batley
over...
after a series of frankly
disgusting farts, have you ever
had the girl you’re sharing a hotel bed
with for the first time shout “if you do
that again I’m calling my dad to come
and pick me up”? I have.
Orangeman, Florida
Whenever Princess
Diana appears in the tabloid
newspapers, she’s always got that same
mid-late 1990’s hairstyle. We love you,
gardener MONTY DON has
Lady Di, but get with the modern
fashions.
shocked his legion of fans by
Ian Andrews, Hastings
joining
the Mafia!
I reckon window cleaners
have bottled it. Back in the
Monty:
The popular small screen horday they’d be climbing ladders in
Gardening
ticulturist was spotted in New
all weather, risking life and limb.
York’s Little Italy neighbourhood advice you
Nowadays they have those hosey
last night, meeting with high-level cannot refuse
scrubby things and stand on the
mob bosses from across the city’s tending to our members’ gardens,
ground risk free. But the swindlers
five boroughs.
we also plan to get him chipping in
still ask me to pay them. Come
on the drug running and contract
delighted
on, window cleaners. If you want
A spokesman for the Cosa Nos- killing fronts, too.”
the same money, you’ll have to
“Let’s just hope the green-fintra said: “We are delighted to have
juggle venomous snakes or swallow
Monty on board. While his pri- gered star doesn’t get caught redchainsaws to liven things up a bit.
mary role within the Mafia will be handed, ” the spokesman quipped.
Dave Gibbs, Biscuit Mowbray
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It’s Monty Don
Corleone!
5
TV
5
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5
So a group of tourists were
arrested in Malaysia for
supposedly causing an earthquake
by stripping off and ‘angering the
mountain gods’. How long will
people continue to believe this
nonsense? It should be obvious
to any intelligent person that the
mountain gods must’ve been
overjoyed at the sight of a load of tits
and fannies on display.
Jonathan Trousers, Basingstoke
5
Unfortunately, the only one I could
get tickets to was the World Snooker
Championship, and every time I
stood up to announce my proposal,
I was aggressively shushed by the
referee. On my sixth attempt, I was
forcibly escorted from the premises
and beaten quite severely by the
entire security team.
Marvin Eekamouse, Thirsk
Y girlfriend tragically died two
days before I was due to pop
the question, so I ended up asking
her via a séance. I went to a medium, who contacted her with my
proposal, and after a long, nervous
wait, the glass on the table spelled
out the word ‘YES’. I was overjoyed, and we tied the knot shortly
afterwards. However, the strain of
her being dead proved too much in
the end, and I started to drink heavily and have affairs. The medium
informed me last week that my wife
had spotted lipstick on my collar
and wanted me out of the house.
Fred Yellowman, Canonbury
S a practising Mormon with ten
wives and counting, I’m running
out of uniquely romantic ways to pop
the question. I asked my first wife to
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I feel a little empathetic
with those girls who fell
foul of local customs in Malaysia
when they stripped off on a sacred
mountain. I myself had my own faux
pas some years ago when visiting
my grandparents and received some
stern looks when I had my elbows on
the dinner table. Apparently this is
frowned upon in south Lincolnshire.
Nobby, Boothby Graffoe
MY dad farted the other day,
so I quickly said “More tea
vicar?” We had to laugh because
my dad is actually a vicar. And the
fact that he was renewing me and
the wife’s marriage vows at the time
made it even funnier.
Peter Crompton, Sunderland
When we were at school, my
mate Alan said his perfect job
would be “holding a stop/go sign
at the roadworks while smoking a
joint.” Fifteen years later I drove
past him and he was doing exactly
that. It just goes to show, that if you
keep reaching for the stars, maybe
your dreams CAN come true.
R Vistaboofay, e-mail
M
A
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avocado-loving golf enthusiasts.
An avocado with the stone removed
makes an ideal holder for your favourite golf ball, whilst also doubling
up as a delicious mid-round snack.
Peter Cassidy, Newcastle
SanItarY towels make ideal
stick-on sideburns for albino Elvis
impersonators in a rush.
Jamie Cuffe, Isle of Man
experIence the thrill of being in
the Gendarmerie by simply watching a criminal act take place whilst
drinking a glass of red wine and
eating some cheese.
Iain Devenney, Oxford
Save money on free-range eggs
by buying normal eggs and letting
them out when you get home.
Simon Perry, Leicester
2-car family and want to cut down
on your fuel bills? Simply use one
of your cars to tow the other one
5
Space travel indeed. I cannot
think of a more boring way to
spend a weekend than go to the bloody
Moon. I’m sure millions of others
share this opinion so I wonder what
the so-called space travel boffins will
make of their silly little jobs now.
MTA Court, Southsea
I recentlY watched the
men’s final of the French Open
and was appalled at the state of the
court. After two weeks’ play there
5
around everywhere. When it runs out
of fuel, just tow it with the other one.
Fluff Freeman, Halebarns
advertISerS. Be sure to put lots
of hand claps and ukelele in your
background music to give us the
impression your goods/services are
simple and innocent.
Colin Andrews, Clewiston
BY using a paint-rolling tray for
cat-litter, your moggy can enjoy a
choice of shallow or deep end for its
number ones and twos respectively.
Doug, Shrewsbury
frugal drinkers. Get that ‘plastered’ feeling by drinking a bottle of
Aldi £2.49 wine and putting on your
Mum’s glasses.
Fat Al White, Wrenthorpe
for the perfect soft-boiled egg,
place a Poundland rechargable
battery in a low-drain device such
as a wall clock. To ensure that runny
yolk just how you like it, remove the
egg from the water when the second
hand stops moving.
Steve Piers, Morecambe
She sai
it would be romantic
Ibigthought
to propose to my girlfriend on the
screen at a major sporting event.
I’M not sure why Greece is
in a panic over its mounting
debts. My mate Keith owes
thousands in storecards and payday
loans and his trick to stay ahead of
the bailiffs is to move flats every few
months. Worst case is that he has to
hide behind his sofa when there’s
a knock at the door. Surely Greece
could move to another country for
a while until it all blows over or just
pretend to be out, or something.
Neil Johnson, Durham
hoW come if I type ‘Café Fish’
into Google, there are 24.2
million results? Assuming there being
6 billion people on earth, do Google
really expect us to believe that there
is one ‘Café Fish’ for every 25 people
in the world? Either way, its hardly
sustainable fishing at its best.
Tim Buktu, Timbuktu
wasn’t a blade of grass left and the
playing surface was just brown mud.
Come on, the French, if we can keep a
patch of grass nice for a few games of
tennis in the summer, so can you.
Brigadier Eccles-Cake, London
viz readers are nothing if not
romantic, and you’ve been
writing in your droves to tell
us about all the weird and
marry me during a midnight balloon
ride and my second wife whilst scuba
diving on the Great Barrier Reef, but
by the time I’d got to my seventh and
eighth wives, I was literally just popping the question during the ad break
in Corrie. I’m due to propose to what
will be my eleventh wife next week,
and to be honest, I’ll probably just
bang her a text with the word ‘MARRIAGE?’ and a winky smiley face.
Mitt Bigamy, Rotherham
’M A hopeless romantic, so when I
proposed to my girlfriend, I decided
to pull out all the stops. I took her to
Paris, where I paid the London Symphony Orchestra and Royal Ballet to
put on a surprise performance for us
in front of the Eiffel Tower at sunset. I
also spent several hundred thousand
pounds organising the Red Arrows
to fly over us, trailing the words
‘SARAH, WILL YOU MARRY ME?’
in red smoke. Then, at the precise
I
5
I’ve always considered the
notion of ‘social sciences’ totally
redundant. The idea that humans can
be quantified, grouped and stratified
to make predictions of our overall
behaviour doesn’t take into account
that everyone is different, with a mind
accordIng to Google,
of their own. Yes, it works on a macro
the hottest temperature ever
level, but the micro level, being the
recorded was 56.7 °C in Death Valley
core of human psychology, severely
in 1913. I know for a fact the oven in
lets the field down and I for one
my flat goes to well over 215°C, but I
resent the idea that human behaviour
never even get a mention.
can be predicted. Anyway, I digress.
Matt, Kensal Rise How about that picture of that bloke
kissing that bird’s arse?
experIence the thrill of being the
Dr Tom Le Roi, Leeds
Greek government by borrowing
the maximum you can from Wonga
and simply telling them to fuck off
when it’s time to settle the debt.
Iain Devenney, Oxford
an empty toilet roll tube filled with
ham makes an ideal ‘fleshlight’ for a
bachelor on a budget.
Russ, Northampton
Want to impress your latest
squeeze, but don’t want to be permanently reminded of them? Get
a blank scroll tattooed on your arm
then fill their name in with a biro.
Bill Aitch, Stoke-on-Trent
noddIng sagely and tacitly agreeing with everything during your
boss’s afternoon meetings will only
gain you favour with higher management if you don’t then fall asleep
* Here you go, Dr Tom
and wake yourself with a loud fart.
I recentlY went to see
AD Phillips, Southampton
the famous Red Arrows at a
local air show. What a rip-off. They
could have at least slowed down a
bit so as we could have watched the
action a bit better. They were just
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