For Fathers of Surviving Children

FEBRUARY 2014
VOL. 35, NO. 2
For Fathers of Surviving Children
By Cynthia Waderlow, MSE, LCSW
D
oes the message to surviving
mothers and fathers vary when
suicide bereaved children
must be cared for? We know that,
statistically, more males, than females,
die from suicide. We see the evidence
in the children who receive services
in the children’s program, who are
most often coping with the loss of
their fathers. But maternally bereaved
children are also in services, and we
listen for the nuances of the needs
expressed by these children.
As therapists explore the issues that
arise for children facing life with one
surviving parent, we learn about the
particular traits and skills that are lost
with the deceased parent. Difficulties
can arise when we assign these to
gender, yet it might be safer to say
that, for younger children, at least,
the mother is the central figure in the
child’s life. And for a very young child,
the maternal bond is unparalleled.
In the presence of the mother-child
bond, father’s roles may overlap with
that of the mother, but the uniqueness
of her bond with the children is not
replicated. Father creates his own
relationship with his children. As a
surviving parent, you, as a father, may
be asking, “How am I going to do
this?” You will answer the question
In grief, the maternal
role can become
idealized and a father’s
thoughts about
integrating the attributes
of mothering may feel
overwhelming.
in process, as a father whose role and
relationship with your children will
necessarily expand.
Most surviving fathers begin to
think very soon about the implications
of their children’s loss of their mother,
and are frequently at a loss regarding
how to respond. In grief, the maternal
role can become idealized and a
father’s thoughts about integrating
the attributes of mothering may feel
overwhelming. We hope you can begin
to understand that broadening your
role as a parent will be gradual, and
your willingness to practice being
present to each child will allow for
missteps and awkward moments.
Transition as a single parent will
be enhanced and shaped by your
In This Issue
MONTHLY
ARTICLES
Monthly Meetings
6
Announcements6
Quilt Display Schedule 7
Mention My Name
10
Memorial Donations
11
For Fathers of Surviving ChildrenCover
Father Rubey’s Column
3
Should I Attend the Brunch?4
Affirmations8
intention, the knowledge you acquire,
your support system and patience
with your very challenging situation.
Willingness to give yourself to the
grief and healing process is a central
piece of the family’s recovery, and
since family life demands time, grief
counseling can allow you the structure
and place to safely move through pain,
and create adaptive meaning around
the loss. Here are some guidelines to
consider and practice as you parent
your reconfigured family.
Create structure and routine
around eating, sleeping, homework
and life skills.
Once you have structure and
routine in place, consider when and
how much to include flexibility.
Read and consult with a counselor
from LOSS Program for Children and
Youth if you are concerned about your
child’s capacity to regulate her moods,
sleep, food, electronics, etc.
Assemble a support system. This
can consist of hired help such as
daycare centers, nanny’s, babysitters,
children’s transport vans, but also
include parents of your children’s
friends and relatives. You will need
reliable adults to help with supervising
and transporting your children, as
well as people you can count on to
Continued on p.5
OBELISK
February 2014
Vol. 35, No. 2
LOSS STAFF
Rev. Charles T. Rubey,
Founder & Director
Deborah R. Major,
Department Director
Cynthia Waderlow,
Child Therapist
Jessica Mead,
Program Coordinator
COUNSELING TEAM:
Rev. Charles T. Rubey, Bruce Engle,
Deborah Major, Ellen Gorney,
Laraine Bodnar, Therese Gump,
Elizabeth Teich, Sharon Bibro,
Mary Novak, Kathie Cunningham,
Cynthia Waderlow, Pat Green
Jean Mirabella, Jessica Mead,
Helen Banta, Victor Alvarez,
Asela Paredes
& Rev. Richard Jakubik
CONTRIBUTORS
Father Rubey
Cynthia Waderlow
Thank You
for supporting this
issue of the Obelisk
PUBLISHING FUND
In Memory of
Alyssa Paige Weaver
Doris M. Jackinowski
POSTAGE FUND
In Memory of
Brian Pasieka
Joey Monroe
Sara Elizabeth Zimmerman
Editor: Jessica Mead, LCSW, CADC
MONTHLY
REMEMBRANCE
Dinners for
Grieving Families
FEBRUARY MEETING:
Monday
February 3, 2014
6:30 p.m. – 8 p.m.
Catholic Charities Office
1717 Rand Rd. Des Plaines
Please RSVP
(312) 655-7284
2 OBELISK | February 2014
LOSS
Program for Children & Youth
Each 1st Monday of the month, the LOSS Program will be hosting a dinner
for families who have suffered the loss of a loved one to suicide.
The groups will alternate between our Worth and Des Plaines offices.
The dinners will be for caregivers and their children ages 3-18.
Families will meet together for dinner, and then children and teens will
have the opportunity to separate with their age groups to talk about
adjustments to their loss.
For more information or to RSVP please call the LOSS office
(312) 655-7284
MARCH MEETING: Monday, March 3, 6:30 p.m. – 8 p.m.
Catholic Charities Office, 7000 W. 111th St. Worth, Illinois
FROM THE DESK OF
A
Father Rubey
n aspect of life after a suicide are
the new friends that survivors meet
at support groups for people who
are also grieving the loss of a loved
one from suicide. It is often said people meet
some of the nicest people that they never
wanted to meet when they meet these new
friends at a support group. The bond that
is formed results from the commonality of
losing a loved one from suicide. As time
goes on the fact of the suicide that initially
bonded these new friends fades as the
friendship grows. There is a comfort level
with survivors that they do not have to
pretend anything because these new friends
know exactly what the feelings are that result
from losing a loved one from suicide. There
is a certain comfort level resulting from the
fact that someone else knows the feelings of
grief from a completed suicide. The social
interaction that began by meeting someone
else who knows the feelings that go along
with losing a loved one to suicide moves on
to other levels and other topics of interest.
With these new friends there is a renewed
interest in life. This renewed interest in life
can become a very satisfying experience.
There is always a risk to be taken as a
survivor moves into another phase of life.
There is fear as survivors move on to other
new ventures in life. The hurt that results
from losing a loved one to suicide leaves
a lasting impact on the life of the survivor
and this can cause fear of venturing forth
to new and different life experiences. It is
important for survivors to realize that this
fear is normal and to give in to the fear can
result in survivors never venturing forth to
create a new life for themselves. It would be
tragic to be paralyzed for the remainder of
one’s life and not attempt to venture forth to
new and different experiences that can enrich
one’s life. The potential is there waiting to be
discovered and enjoyed. There is a new and
different life for the survivor who is willing to
take the risk and experience a life beyond the
suicide. The suicide ended a life of pain for
these loved ones but it did not end the life of
the survivor. There is and can be a life of joy
and fulfillment for survivors who are willing
to take a risk and discover new opportunities
for themselves. It takes courage and
determination to want to discover new and
different experiences that can enhance and
enrich the lives of survivors of suicide. These
new experiences are waiting to be discovered.
The potential is there.
One of the fears that survivors have
as they traverse the journey of grief is
the fear of losing contact with their loved
one. As time marches on survivors fear
remembering this important person in their
life. Sometimes survivors erroneously are
under the impression that if they hold onto
the pain resulting from the suicide that
will be a guarantee that they will not lose
contact with this loved one. Nothing could be
further from the truth. Granted the pain is a
connection to the loved one and it is the last
connection with the loved one but it is not
the only connection. There are myriads of
connection with those people who have gone
before us. There are countless memories of
these loved ones. There are countless stories
that recount when these people were alive
and the antics that made survivors laugh
and memories that bring tears to survivors.
While the pain is the last connection that
survivors have with these loved ones the
pain can also be a way that survivors torture
themselves because they feel that they failed
their loved ones and were not there when
these tortured souls were at the nadir of their
lives. Survivors failed to see how desperate
these loved ones were. Survivors replay the
final hours or days or weeks that their loved
ones were still alive and missed the signals
that these loved ones gave. In most instances
these signals were either not there or were
so very subtle that no one could comprehend
the meaning of the signal. It is only when
survivors look back do these signal make any
sense at all. The point is that experiencing
the excruciating pain that accompanies the
loss of this loved one from suicide for years
after the suicide is not helpful in the grieving
process. Certainly in the immediate aftermath
of the suicide there is going to horrendous
pain that all survivors experience. That is a
very normal reaction and a very normal step
that survivors need to experience as they
journey the path of grief. There does come a
point in the grief process when survivors are
able to relinquish the excruciating pain and
allow the pain to become ordinary. That is a
very important step in the grief process. The
pain has been incorporated into the psychic
part of the survivor. The pain becomes an
ordinary part of the life of the survivor. It
is there but it is not all consuming and so
distracting that the pain impedes the future
life of the survivor. The survivor is able to
go about the other activities of their lives. To
reach that point is no easy task. Survivors
need to make a decision that the initial pain
that is experienced is not going to interfere
with the rest of the life of the survivor. There
are other aspects of life for the survivor and
these other aspects will eventually distract
the survivor and put other meaning in their
lives. Does this mean that this loved one who
died is going to be forgotten? Absolutely not.
These loved ones who found life too painful
to continue will always be a part of the life of
survivors.
Getting to the point where the pain from a
suicide becomes ordinary is not easy. It results
from a survivor making a very calculated
decision that this pain is not going to be the
cause of ruining the life of those left behind.
It is all part of the grief journey. Reaching this
point will not come about automatically but
will come about by a decision that all survivors
need to make. None of the steps in the grief
journey come about automatically. Like all of
the other steps on this journey there is work
involved and decisions that need to be made.
It all flows from making a resolution that this
tragic event that has become a part of the life
of the survivor is not going to unravel the life.
Certainly there is going to be a detour in life
but it is only a temporary detour. The life of
the survivor is going to continue to be lived
but it is going to be lived in a different way.
There is always going to be a missing person
in the life of the survivor. That person who
was so loved is no longer part of this life and
the life of the survivor as the survivor knew
it. Does that mean that that loved one is no
longer a part of a family or part of the family
makeup? Absolutely not. That would be a
tragic result of a tragic death. I have often
said that a tragedy worse than losing a loved
one to suicide is that if this loved were to
be forgotten. There are many other ways to
remain connected to the loved ones in our
lives who have gone to the hereafter. Survivors
do not necessarily need to experience the
pain resulting from the suicide in order to
keep connected to these loved ones. There
are pictures and favorite songs and a myriad
of stories that keep these loved ones a part of
a family. In time there will be laughter and
survivors will look forward to hearing about
their loved ones. This will come about only if
there is a comfort level about losing this loved
one from suicide. Again, this is not going to
come about automatically or with the passage
of time. This will come about as a result of a
lot of hard work. Taking part in this journey
is not for the weak-hearted. Survivors of a
completed suicide are among the hardest
working people in creation and all survivors
merit a deep appreciation from those of us
who are not survivors. All survivors should be
given a merit badge with the title of “Job Well
Done.” This work is not easy but with any task
the rewards are tremendous and certainly the
efforts will be worthwhile in that a life that
was thought to be destroyed has risen out of
the ashes. Survivors will live again and will
enjoy life again –albeit a different type of life.
As always, I want to assure each and every
one of the members of the LOSS family of
my thoughts and prayers on a regular basis
during my quiet time. I encourage you to do
the same for each other – especially for those
members who have recently joined our family.
Our family continues to grow constantly. It is
an unfortunate aspect of the LOSS program
that our services are in constant need but it
is also fortunate that LOSS is here to help
survivors in their time of need.
Keep On Keepin’ On,
Should I Attend the Brunch?
By Becky Olson
This year’s Blossoms of Hope brunch
will be the third time that I have attended
and I continue to grow more eager for
them each year. The Blossoms of Hope
brunch event raises funds to help run the
LOSS program and gives us a moment
to recognize individuals who have made
significant contributions to the growth of
the program or other survivor initiatives.
But, to those who have participated in the
meetings or individual counseling – it’s
so much more than that. Living in the
Chicago-area, I have been fortunate to
have LOSS available to me. For me, the
brunch is a bit like an open house. Last
April, I invited my mom and brother
from out of state to attend with me
so that we could sit together, enjoy a
delicious meal alongside other survivors
and partake in the auctions. It was my
chance to show them what tremendous
support the LOSS program provides,
introduce them to the people I’ve met
and also demonstrate my “progress”
along the grief journey.
Like I first experienced, they were
initially apprehensive to attend, especially
since they are not regular LOSS meeting
participants. Preparing to join me again
this year, I asked both of them what they
felt last time and what they would say
to others considering the Blossoms of
Hope brunch. My brother Kevin said,
“I knew it would likely be a difficult
day and no one likes to voluntarily put
themselves in a situation that would be
emotionally troubling. However, during
the brunch, I couldn’t believe how warm
and welcoming everyone was. The
detail and planning that went into the
brunch was absolutely amazing – the
room was so brightly decorated. The
number of attendees was unbelievable
but comforting, in an unusual way.
And of course - I was stunned by the
quality (and quantity) of food options!
Throughout the event and afterward, I
never felt uncomfortable or like there was
any sad feel to it. It was uplifting, through
the various speakers that inspired hope.
I felt good knowing how many people
could relate to my situation - no matter
how ‘different’ I feel, at times.” My mom
added that she felt “included” and not like
an outsider. She was impressed by the
support for the LOSS group and humbly
reminded just how many people are
affected by suicide.
Siblings Lindsay Van Sickle and
Tommy Shimko also attended the
Blossoms of Hope brunch for the first
time last year. We met through the
Young Adult group meetings, which
they now facilitate. Though they started
meetings and counseling right after their
dad passed away in 2011, Lindsay said
she needed more time to heal before
attending her first brunch. She decided to
go last year because she felt she needed to
give back to LOSS, which helped her and
her brother so much. She also wanted to
use the brunch as a way to memorialize
her dad, so she invited several of his
friends and coworkers and 22 people
were able to join them! She added, “It
was a great experience. The venue was
gorgeous and the turnout was so much
more than I expected. It was also great
for our family and friends to learn more
about LOSS and what a wonderful
organization it was. It turned out to be a
great day full of friends, family and good
company. This year we plan to have an
even larger group with us to celebrate my
dad and the wonderful organization that
LOSS is.”
Her brother Tommy shared that when
he arrived at Drury Lane, he was amazed
by the beautiful decorations, the raffles
and auctions, the amount of food, and
most importantly, how many people
attending had been affected by suicide.
He also noted that his dad’s friends felt
honored to be asked to attend this special
event with him and Lindsay. “In a way,
we were all able to get together and
remember my dad.” One of his biggest
reasons for attending now is because it
brings many suicide survivors together.
Attending this brunch helps other
survivors to see that they are not alone.
I hope that you will consider joining
us at the Blossoms of Hope brunch
this year.
Benefiting Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide (LOSS) Program
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Drury Lane, Oakbrook Terrace
INFORMATION | TICKETS | DONATE
Hillary Fash, (312) 948-6797, hfash@catholiccharities.net
www.catholiccharities.net/lossbrunch
4 OBELISK | February 2014
For Fathers of Surviving Children
offer your children sound guidance,
nurturance and emotional safety.
Try to spend a few minutes with
each individual child each day. Practice
noticing your child’s special qualities. Do
this while driving your child in the car,
walking the dog, playing a board game or
looking over homework. Offer your child
validation as they experience difficult
feelings, and then offer them hope that
the feelings will become less painful,
and life will feel better with some time.
Communicate that you will be there for
them as they adjust to life without their
mother.
Encourage your children to talk about
their mom, display pictures of her, and
recognize her as an imperfect person
who is irreplaceable. Your grieving
children should develop a range of
balanced memories, to be expressed
in an atmosphere of support and
emotional safety.
As soon as your child is old enough to
understand the permanence of biological
death, we advocate for honesty in talking
with your child about the fact of suicide,
the act of stopping one’s own life. Keep
explanations simple and appropriate for
From p.1
your child’s age. You can limit details to
what you believe is helpful for your child.
Help your children to understand their
mother’s suicide as a result of mental
illness, which can be hard to identify, and
cannot always be fixed by a doctor. Assure
your children that you will take care of
yourself and be around to take care of
them. Emphasize that their mother’s
death did not mean she did not love
them. Use a LOSS counselor from the
children’s program to ensure that they
are developing a coherent narrative and
a compassionate understanding of the
death. Even a minimum of three sessions
can be helpful.
Be honest with your children if your
relationship with their mother had been
difficult. They will know, at some level, of
the tension and frustration you or their
mother may have expressed. Remind
yourself that it can be very difficult to live
with, and to consistently support a person
with depression or another mental
illness. Speak with understanding of the
pain experienced by their mother, her
inability to think clearly about solutions
when she took her life. Without going
into details that are complex or adult
in nature, acknowledge the difficult
moments without blaming yourself or
their mother.
Read to them, even if they know how
to read. Choose books that teach about
life, loss and adaptation. Let them read
aloud to you.
However the grief manifests between
you and the maternal grandparents,
try to lessen alienation, blame and
strife. Grandparents can be a precious
link for your children to their mother.
Encourage the grandparents to be
present to your children and to keep
issues of adult conflict out of their
conversation with them.
Gradually increase your expressions
of love and physical affection to your
children, as you become comfortable with
this behavior. Grasp a hand. Be generous
with hugs. Kiss the top of a head.
Wait to date. And when you do,
assess that your children are successfully
adapting to the loss before introducing
someone new into their midst. No one
can replace their mother, and it would be
unhelpful to expect your children to relate
Continued on p.8
Ways to Support the LOSS Program for Children & Youth
Give a gift in HONOR OR IN MEMORY of a loved one.
Give a MONTHLY or single gift.
Consider a BEQUEST in your will or trust.
Host a GIFT GATHERING of supportive friends.
Mail this form or DONATE ONLINE at www.catholiccharities.net
Yes, I/We will help grieving children receive the counseling and comfort they need.
MY (OUR) GIFT IS :
$50
$100
$250
$500
$1,000
$2,500
$5,000
$10,000
$________
PAYMENT METHOD
NAME
CHECK ENCLOSED. Payable to Catholic Charities LOSS Program
EMAIL
PHONE
HOME
CELL
BILL MY
(CIRCLE ONE)
ADDRESS
CARD NUMBER
CITY/STATE/ZIP
MY GIFT IS MADE
HONOREE’S NAME
PLEASE NOTIFY (NAME)
ADDRESS
Visa Mastercard Discover American Express
EXPIRATION DATE
PHONE NUMBER
in MEMORY of
in HONOR of
SIGNATURE
BEQUEST. Please contact me to discuss options.
MONTHLY GIVING. I would like make an automatic monthly gift of
$_______ charged to my credit card.
MATCHING GIFT. My company, _______________, will match my gift.
Catholic Charities LOSS Program for Children & Youth | Attn: Dave Gardner | 721 N. LaSalle Street | Chicago, Illinois 60654
Contact Dave Gardner at (312) 655-7907 or dgardner@catholiccharities.net for more information.
www.catholiccharities.net/loss 5
February Monthly Meetings
NEWS, NOTES &
ANNOUNCEMENTS
The minimum age for the monthly meetings or eight-week groups is 18 years old.
If possible, please call the LOSS office for an initial intake interview before your first meeting:
Jessica Mead, Intake Coordinator, (312) 655-7283.
FEBRUARY 2014
2ND SUNDAY
3RD TUESDAY
FEBRUARY 9, 2014
FEBRUARY 18, 2014
Catholic Charities Northwest Office
1717 Rand Road, Des Plaines
7 p.m. – 9 p.m.
Clinician: Laraine Bodnar
Facilitators: Maggie Cambria
& Mike Allen
Catholic Charities Near North Office
721 N. LaSalle, Chicago
6 p.m. – 8 p.m.
Clinician: Ellen Gorney
Facilitators: Cherie Emling & Steve Moore
3RD WEDNESDAY
FEBRUARY 19, 2014
Holy Family Church Main Building
2515 Palatine Road, Inverness
7 p.m. – 9 p.m.
Clinician: Sharon Bibro
Facilitators: Judy Nolan
& Diane Ralston
4TH THURSDAY
FEBRUARY 27, 2014
St. Daniel the Prophet
101 West Loop Drive, Wheaton
7 p.m. – 9 p.m.
Clinician: Pat Green
Facilitators: Kathleen Sergent
& Mike Allen
4TH TUESDAY
FEBRUARY 25, 2014
Catholic Charities
Southwest Regional Office
7000 W. 111th Street, Worth
7 p.m. – 9 p.m.
Clinician: Therese Gump
Facilitators: Mark and Mary Edwards
3RD WEDNESDAY,
FEBRUARY 19, 2014
Catholic Charities Joliet office:
Triumph Professional Bldg.
2121 Oneida St. Suite 304,
Joliet (Hands of Hope Office)
7 p.m. – 9 p.m.
Clinician: Mary Novak
Facilitators: Bee Robbins
& Susan Rosenmayer
4TH THURSDAY
FEBRUARY 27, 2014
Carmel High School (Enter at Main entrance)
One Carmel Parkway, Mundelein
7 p.m. – 9 p.m.
Clinician: Beth Teich
Facilitators: Dale DeLude
& Sandy Bourseau
4TH SUNDAY
FEBRUARY 23, 2014
St. Joseph’s Church
1747 Lake Avenue, Wilmette
7 p.m. – 9 p.m.
Clinician: Rev. Rich Jakubik
Facilitators: Jan Brengel & Mary Sikorski
SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS
SOUTHWEST SPOUSE GROUP
YOUNG ADULT GROUP
1ST THURSDAY
2ND THURSDAY
FEBRUARY 6, 2014
FEBRUARY 13, 2014
Catholic Charities
Southwest Office
7000 W. 111th St., Worth
7 p.m. – 9 p.m.
Clinician: Debbie Major
Facilitators: Sue Ward & Jean King
Catholic Charities Near North Office
721 N. LaSalle, Chicago
6 p.m. – 8 p.m.
Clinician: Jessica Mead
Facilitators: Lindsay VanSickle
& Tommy Shimko
NORTHWEST SPOUSE GROUP
SIBLING GROUP
2ND WEDNESDAY
3RD MONDAY
FEBRUARY 12, 2014
FEBRUARY 17, 2014
Catholic Charities Northwest Office
1717 Rand Road, Des Plaines
7 p.m. – 9 p.m.
Clinician: Jean Mirabella
Facilitators: Lisa Flynn
& Ed Bartt
6 OBELISK | February 2014
St. Norbert Church
(Parish office under the green awning on Elm St.)
1809 Walters St., Northbrook
7 p.m. – 9 p.m.
Clinician: Beth Teich
Facilitator: Katie Graff & Jim Kane
n LOSS WEATHER LINE
In case of severe weather, please call
the LOSS weather line to ensure that
meetings will be held as scheduled. LOSS
weather line: (312) 948-7902.
n WONDERING ABOUT
OUR NEW LOOK?
As many of you have noticed our Obelisk
newsletter has a fresh new look and
design. The content of the newsletter
has remained the same, but we reduced
the number of pages from 16 to 12
pages. We welcome your feedback;
please let us know your thoughts.
n EIGHT-WEEK GROUPS
Are you interested in beginning an
eight-week support group? Eight-week
support groups are similar to monthly
meetings, but these groups are “closed”
meetings (they have the same individuals
in attendance each week). These groups
require registration through the LOSS
office and a weekly commitment. Eightweek groups are held at four different
sites: Worth, Mundelein, Des Plaines, and
our Chicago location. We begin these
eight-week groups when enough LOSS
members contact the office and state that
they are interested in joining a group.
n “DEALING WITH GUILT
AND GRIEF” WORKSHOP
FOUR WEEK GROUP:
Sundays, February 9, 16, 23 &
March 2, 2014 at Des Plaines office.
Survivors of suicide are often debilitated
by the feeling of guilt. Many tell
themselves that“I should have noticed
certain signs and behaviors,” or “I am
responsible for their death.” The workshop
will be geared toward survivors who have
lost someone at least 6 months ago and
are ready to address the complex issue
of guilt. The goals of the workshop are
to explore the impact that guilt has on
the grief process, explore the “purpose”
guilt may serve and to explore tools to
lessen or eliminate guilt. This four-part
workshop will be led by LOSS clinician
Sharon Bibro. Registration is required.
Please contact the LOSS office for more
information or to register (312) 655-7283.
NEWS, NOTES &
ANNOUNCEMENTS
February Display Schedule
FEBRUARY 2014
Memorial Squares and Lifekeepers Quilts
at the William R. and Theresa M. Stanek Chapel
of the Mission of the Holy Cross
Catholic Charities West Regional Office
1400 S. Austin, Cicero
n MEMORIAL QUILT
If you are interested in making a quilt:
• Quilt squares are made on a 12” by 12”
piece of fabric.
• Many people include names, dates
and pictures of their loved one on their
square.
• Be sure to leave 1” around the border
so the squares can be sewn together to
form a quilt.
• NOTE: All squares will be formed
into quilts and stored with the LOSS
Program. Please keep in mind when
making your squares that they will not
be returned.
Deliver your square to LOSS Program,
721 N. LaSalle Street, Chicago, IL 60654
or bring it to a monthly meeting.
Call LOSS (312) 655-7283 with any
questions.
For Fathers of
Surviving Children
From p.5
to another person in this way. Use
a counselor to help integrate family
configuration changes.
With this said, each of these points
can also apply to surviving mothers
in the wake of the loss of a husband
and father. As a single father,
your core attribute must evolve as
nurturance, that skill we most often
associate with mothers. However,
all human beings can express
and develop this capacity without
sacrificing qualities that define
one’s personality. The most capable
caregivers will offer nurturance,
structure, emotional safety, as well
as other nurturing resources and
relationships. We want to teach our
children that life has irreplaceable
losses, but there are others who
can be counted on to uplift, protect
and care. As you practice more
comprehensive care of your children,
you may notice healing changes
within yourself over time.
Quilt #10
Brenda Allred
Billy Budnick
G.R.T.
Paul Kammholz
Paul Kammholz
Nanette Marie Kessenich
Steve P. Limbers
Monica Lynch
Steven Merena
Bonnie Metnick Rubin
Gayle M. Neuzil
Casi Roach
Robert
Ricky Scott
Todd Allen Charles Trost Patrick Uselmann
Joe Westphal
Paul Michael Wood
2/26/64
4/1/97
10/6/79
10/20/95
8/1/62
8/3/98
2/21/56
5/21/98
2/21/56
5/21/98
12/16/55
7/3/90
6/23/97
1960
1993
5/3/39
10/4/95
11/2/49
12/17/91
1956
1995
1976
1996
2/13/746/20/96
10/2/65
6/25/85
7/25/60
10/9/93
4/21/69
10/6/90
12/13/62
1/4/97
2/8/69
8/20/93
Memorial Squares and Lifekeepers Quilts
Quilt #9
at Holy Family Villa Chapel
12220 S. Will-Cook Road, Palos Park
John W. Alefirenko
John W. Alefirenko
Robert Briskey
Robert Doornbosch
Brian John Durakis
William A. Durso
David Lane Flood
Elizabeth Gallagher
Dan-o Gogotz
Cory A. Grothe
Arnold Jones
Boris Kilimnik
Kathleen LaPierre
Dan Lasch
Terry Logue
Mari Helen Mannion
John McBride
David Blair Rothschild
Philip J. Saraz
10/24/1954
10/24/1954
1/22/1942
8/19/1971
3/14/1964
12/28/1962
10/21/1977
6/28/1981
3/18/1978
1/3/1945
1/19/1979
12/1/1958
1/4/1963
1963
6/27/1977
2/9/1956
9/23/1954
7/29/1962
9/26/1997
9/26/1997
5/25/1997
9/13/1989
4/14/1996
8/6/1986
4/30/1994
8/8/1997
8/5/1997
8/1/1987
5/11/1997
6/5/1985
7/10/1989
1983
4/30/1994
6/7/1989
7/8/1983
11/2
www.catholiccharities.net/loss 7
Monthly Affirmations
On comfort
On faith
The soul could have no rainbow had
the eyes no tears.” –John Vance Cheney
The Boy raced to escape the
exploding world around him. His
Father was waiting for him. As he
raced forward the Boy was afraid of the
future and couldn’t stand living in the
raging war in which he found himself.
The night was dark and he couldn’t
find his way. He was giving up hope
and as he despaired he heard his
Father calling. As the Boy approached
the dark abyss, he more clearly heard
his Father’s call, “I am here, my arms
out stretched to catch you; you are safe.”
The Boy jumped. He made the jump
to stop the terror around him, to seek
the unconditional safety and love of
his Father’s eternal arms.
Alice Murphy
n
If you touch a spider web anywhere,
you set the whole thing trembling.As
we move around this world and as we
act with kindness, perhaps, or with
indifference or with hostility toward
the people we meet, we too are setting
the great spider web a-tremble.
The life that I touch for good or ill,
will touch another life, and that in turn
another, until who knows where the
trembling stops or in what far place
and time my touch will be felt.
Our lives are linked. No person is an
island.
Frederick Buechner
Everything Is Going To Be All Right
How should I not be glad to
contemplate the clouds clearing
beyond the dormer window and a high
tide reflected on the ceiling?
There will be dying, there will be
dying but there is no need to go into
that. The poems flow from the hand
unbidden and the hidden source is the
watchful heart. The sun rises in spite
of everything and the far cities are
beautiful and bright. I lie here in a riot
of sunlight watching the day break and
the clouds flying.Everything is going to
be all right.
Derek Mahon
Kindness: “I’ve learned since I’ve had
depression, what it means to be kind to
people because you never know who could
be hurting behind a smiling face. I do the
best I can with what God has given me.”
Greg Mitten & Cheryl Mitten
“Don’t try to destroy a beautiful part
of your life because remembering
it hurts.
As children of today and tomorrow, we
are also children of yesterday.
The past still travels with us and what
it has been makes us what we are.”
Rabbi Earl A. Grollman
In March, we begin our 35th year of the LOSS program.
Send your memorable stories about LOSS to:
8 OBELISK | February 2014
The work of grief – good grief is to
remember. When I remember my
young son, I am able to love him and
rejoice in his short life. It is when
those around me fail to acknowledge
the importance of my son’s life and
loss that I become bitter.
Mary Edwards
On healing
Blessed are those who mourn, for
they shall be comforted. Matt 5:4
n
We are teaching our surviving
children about suicide, whether
we had planned to or not. They are
watching us and notice our every
response. They learn from us how to
act in the aftermath of their brother’s
death to suicide. We must decide to
be good teachers.
Mary Edwards
“We spend January 1 walking through
our lives, room by room, drawing up
a list of work to be done, cracks to be
patched. Maybe this year to balance the
list, we ought to walk through the rooms
of our lives … not looking for flaws but
for potential.”
Ellen Goodman
Jessica Mead, Catholic Charities
LOSS Program/Area 281
721 North LaSalle Street, Chicago, Illinois 60654
obelisk dedication fund
For the past 30 years, LOSS has produced a newsletter for a mailing list that continues to
increase, along with the cost of production. To ensure continued publication, we have established
an Obelisk Fund, which enables LOSS members to assist with the expenses of this newsletter.
THERE ARE THREE WAYS IN WHICH TO CONTRIBUTE TO OUR FUND:
DEDICATION OF ONE MONTH’S OBELISK
To dedicate a specific month to your loved one, a family may contribute $2,560, which will cover the total cost
of that month’s newsletter. Please send this form back with your donation and the name of your loved one, as
well as the month you are requesting. Please add a second month choice as we sometimes have more than one
member requesting the same month.
I would like to contribute $________________ .
In memory of: __________________________________________________________________________________
For the month of:_____________________________________ or _______________________________________
POSTAGE
To make a donation to cover one month’s postage, we ask that you send a minimum contribution of $300. There
will be a special section for those who contribute to our postage fund, and your loved one’s name also will be on
the MENTION MY NAME page.
I would like to contribute $___________________ to cover one month’s postage.
In memory of: __________________________________________________________________________________
PUBLISHING FUND
To be listed as a donor for our publishing fund, a member may contribute any amount to the Obelisk
Publishing Fund and have your name listed as a donor. Your loved one’s name will appear on the MENTION
MY NAME page as well.
I would like to contribute $__________________ to the Obelisk Publishing Fund.
In memory of: __________________________________________________________________________________
Your Name: ____________________________________________________________________________________
Name of your loved one: _________________________________________________________________________
Date of Birth: _______________________ Date of Death:_______________________
o Please check here if you wish your donation to remain anonymous.
NOTE: Please fill out the “Mention My Name” page.
Make checks payable to: Catholic Charities LOSS Program.
All donations to the LOSS Program are tax deductible.
Mail all donations to the LOSS Program at 721 North LaSalle Street, Chicago, IL 60654.
Thank you for your support of the Obelisk.
www.catholiccharities.net/loss 9
Mention My Name
Alyssa Weaver
Michael John Wendling
Joe Westphal
01/09/1992 – 11/21/2012
03/06/1966 – 02/07/2000
12/13/1962 – 01/04/1997

Our dearest Michael,
Fourteen years since God called you
home.
We miss you every day but are
comforted knowing that you are in the
arms of Jesus.
We thank God for the 33 years of joy
and laughter you brought to our lives.
All our love,
Mom, Toni, Richie, Mark, Kevin
and newest nephews Aiden Michael
and Devin Michael.
You are always in our hearts and minds.
Mon, Dad, Bill, Mary,
Jeanne, Teresa, and Jim.
Brian Pasieka
12/30/1979 – 3/4/2004

Robert Michael Reece
12/11/1976 – 01/01/2012
Son, Brother, Uncle, Nephew, Friend.
Always and forever in our hearts!
We love you and miss you every day!

Lynn Netzel
08/31/1955 – 04/02/2012
Happy Holidays, Lynn.
We love and miss you.
The Netzel Family

Robert J. Vanderpal
02/11/1962 – 11/14/2007
My dearest Rob,
I miss you so much, your smile,
kindness, thoughtfulness and your
wonderful smile.
We all miss you so much.
Love Mom, your brother Peter and
your beautiful daughters
Sammi, Kelli and Nikki

Adam James Kernan
02/19/1979
Happy 35th Birthday.
Dear Beloved Son,
We know you are smiling down on us
from Heaven.
Love, Mom & Dad
10 OBELISK | February 2014

George Antonio Gonzales Jr.
01/13/1992 – 06/16/2011
My dearest son,
Happy 23rd Birthday.
Not a day goes by that I do not
think of your smile.
You are and always will be in
my heart.
Love you, always Dad

Doris M. Jackinowski
02/14/1948 – 12/08/2002
Doris my wife, you were the fire in my life.
We miss you and love you forever.
Love, Ray, Donielle, Ray

Sara Elizabeth Zimmerman
02/04/1972 – 10/23/2009
Beloved Sara,
We miss your physical presence
every day.
Your spirit remains in our hearts.
Love, Mom, Kristen and Jonah

Adrienne Leslie
03/12/1943 – 01/09/1991
We all miss you very much, even to
this day,
And I especially, at Thanksgiving,
as this was your holiday.
We will be thinking of you
always in mind.
I pray for your peace.
Love you always,
Your sister Lynda, your nephew Steve
& family, your niece Laura & family.

Michael Ryan Swistowicz
05/02/1974 – 02/19/1996
Dearest Sweet Michael Ryan,
It has been 18 years since we have
been on Earth without you.
It still hurts. We love you so very
much honey!
Love, Mom, Shana, Tamra,
Krista & Craig

Lulzim Osmani
02/16/1972 – 08/19/2005
Beloved son, brother and uncle.
We miss you so much and we think
of you every day.
Your beautiful smile, laugh and joy
for life we will never forget.
Thank you for the best memories
of our lives.
Forever in our hearts.
Love, Mom, Dad, Cathy,
Susie and Family
Mention My Name
LOSS provides a space each month in the OBELISK for
the names of people we have lost to suicide. Survivors need
to be able to hear, see and speak the names of the persons
we have lost. The response to this opportunity has been an
indication that our LOSS members truly appreciate seeing
their loved ones’ names in print.
If you wish to send in the name of a loved one, please
fill out the attached form. To be sure that your request is
included in the month you wish, we ask that you send it in
at least 2 months before publication: e.g., to be included in
the February Obelisk, we need to receive it by December 1.
If we receive it late, we will automatically include it in the
next edition, unless otherwise indicated. We always do our
best to accommodate your request.
A donation of any size is appreciated to defray the cost of
printing and postage.
Name of Loved One: ______________________________________________________________________________________
Date of Birth: ____________________________________________________________________________________________
Date of Death:___________________________________________________________________________________________
Month Requested:________________________________________________________________________________________
Requested by:_____________________________________________________ Relationship: ____________________________
Please fill in your message in the space below. We ask that you limit your message to 20 words or less
Longer messages may be edited as space is limited.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
PLEASE MAIL TO: LOSS Program, Catholic Charities, 721 North LaSalle, Chicago, IL 60654
Christmas Appeal
Donation reminder
As we near the end of this year’s LOSS Christmas Appeal (our
year end fundraiser to sustain our work), the staff would like to
extend our gratitude to those who donated to the 2013 appeal.
We received many amazing messages about the services that
LOSS members have received:
“This Program was a lifesaver after the loss of a loved one.
The fact that it was free reduced the largest barrier for me to
MY (OUR) GIFT IS :
$10
$25
$100
$________
PAYMENT METHOD
NAME
CHECK ENCLOSED. Payable to Catholic Charities LOSS Program
EMAIL
PHONE
be able to attend. I want to donate now so others can take
advantage of this incredible and crucial service. Thank you.”
“Thank you so much. God has blessed us and so many with
LOSS during such a difficult time. We really feel your caring and
support for our family.”
If you would like to donate to the Christmas Appeal, there is
still time. Please fill out the form below.
HOME
CELL
BILL MY
(CIRCLE ONE)
ADDRESS
CARD NUMBER
CITY/STATE/ZIP
MY GIFT IS MADE
HONOREE’S NAME
Visa Mastercard Discover American Express
EXPIRATION DATE
PHONE NUMBER
in MEMORY of
in HONOR of
SIGNATURE
Make checks payable to: Catholic Charities LOSS Program.
All donations to the LOSS Program are tax deductible.
Mail to: Catholic Charities • LOSS Program • 721 North LaSalle Street • Chicago, IL 60654
Thank you for your support!
www.catholiccharities.net/loss 11
Catholic Charities of the Archdiocese of Chicago
LOSS Program/Area 281
721 North LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois 60654
POSTMASTER:
DATED MATERIAL
PLEASE DO NOT DELAY
The LOSS Program is going green in 2014
Go Green by switching to email! If you
receive the Obelisk via PAPER copy opt
to change to receive the Obelisk via EMAIL.
Not only is this is a great way for LOSS
to lower its carbon footprint, but it has the
potential to save the LOSS program thousands
of dollars in printing costs a year.
Currently the mailing list for the Obelisk only has
400 email subscribers; if we can triple that number to
1200 LOSS can save $14,400 a year on printing costs.
Help LOSS go green today and save money by
either calling, (312) 655-7282 or emailing kkoeppe@
catholiccharities.net and letting us know your name
and email so we can switch you over.
www.catholiccharities.net/loss