why positive discipline?

Transcription

LifeMatters.com
Class Material for the
Rapid Certificate Parenting Young
Children Online Book Study Class
This material has been excerpted with permission from the book
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin, M.A.,
and Roslyn Ann Duffy
This material is provided out of our commitment to support your parenting.
It is for your use only. Please respect the copyright of the author.
POSITIVE DISCIPLINE FOR PRESCHOOLERS
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WHY POSITIVE DISCIPLINE?
Parenting classes are full of parents with preschoolers. Internet parenting forums
echo with questions like "Why does my three-year- old bite?" or "How do I get my fiveyear-old to stay in bed at night?" Child development experts, preschool directors, and
therapists all boast offices overflowing with parents whose offspring have reached the
age of three or four or five and who are wondering what on earth has happened. Listen
for a moment to these parents:
"Our little boy was such a delight. We expected trouble when he turned two—after all,
everyone had warned us about the `terrible twos'—but nothing happened. Until he turned
three, that is. Now we don't know what to do with him. If we say `black,' he says 'white.' If we
say it's bedtime, he's not tired . . . and getting him to let us brush his teeth turns into a fullfledged battle. We must be doing something wrong!"
"Sometimes I wonder if any sound comes out when I open my mouth. My five-year-old
sure doesn't seem to hear anything I say to her. She won't listen to me at all. Is she always
going to act like this?"
"We couldn't wait for our son to begin talking, but now we can't get him to stop. He has
figured out that he can prolong any conversation by saying, 'Guess what?' He is our delight
and despair, in almost equal measure."
As you will discover in the pages that follow (or as you may already realize),
these years from ages three to six are busy, hectic ones for young children—and for
their parents and caregivers. Preschoolers are physically active and energetic;
researchers tell us that human beings have more physical energy at the age of three
than at any other time in their life span—certainly more than their weary parents. Their
inborn drive for emotional, cognitive, and physical development is urging them to
explore the world around them; they're acquiring and practicing social skills and
entering the world outside the protected haven of the family. And preschoolers have
ideas—lots of them—about how that world should operate. Their ideas, along with
their urges to experiment and explore, often do not mesh with their parents' and caregivers' expectations.
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It's probably safe to say that what you will discover in the chapters ahead is a bit
different from what you grew up with. You will discover concepts such as kindness and
firmness at the same time and looking for solutions with your child. You will learn
about the importance of teaching social and life skills. And you will learn how essential
it is to view parenting as a long-term commitment, rather than a series of crises and
questions. You may even wonder what happened to "good old-fashioned discipline."
What would Dr. Benjamin Spock (or Grandma) think of all this?
ADLER AND DREIKURS: PIONEERS IN PARENTING
Positive Discipline is based on the work of Alfred Adler and his colleague Rudolf
Dreikurs. Adler was a Viennese psychiatrist and a contemporary of Sigmund Freud—
but he and Freud disagreed about almost
everything. Adler believed that human behavior is
motivated by a desire for belonging, significance,
connection, and worth, which is influenced by our
early decisions about ourselves, others, and the
world around us. Interestingly, recent research tells
us that children are "hardwired" from birth to seek
connection with others, and that children who feel a
sense of connection to their families, schools, and
communities are less likely to misbehave. Adler
believed that everyone has equal rights to dignity
and respect (including children), ideas that found a
warm reception in America, a land he adopted as
his own after immigrating here.
Rudolf Dreikurs, a Viennese psychiatrist and
student of Adler's who came to the United States in
1937, was a passionate advocate of the need for
dignity and mutual respect in all relationships—
including the family. He wrote books about
teaching and parenting that are still widely read,
including the classic Children: The Challenge.
As you will learn, much of what many people mislabel as "misbehavior" in
preschoolers has more to do with emotional, physical, and cognitive development and
age-appropriate behavior. Young children need teaching, guidance, and love (which is a
good definition of Positive Discipline).
WHAT IS POSITIVE DISCIPLINE?
Positive Discipline is effective with preschoolers because it is different from
conventional discipline. It has nothing to do with punishment (which many people
think is synonymous with discipline) and everything to do with teaching valuable social
and life skills. Discipline with young children involves deciding what you will do and
then kindly and firmly following through, rather than expecting your child to "behave."
As your child matures and becomes more skilled, you will be able to involve him in the
process of focusing on solutions and participating in limit setting. In this way he can
practice his thinking skills, feel more capable, and learn to use his power and autonomy
in useful ways—to say nothing of feeling more motivated to follow solutions and limits
he has helped create. The principles of Positive Discipline will help you build a
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relationship of love and respect with your child and will help you solve problems
together for many years to come.
The building blocks of Positive Discipline include:
Mutual respect. Parents model firmness by respecting themselves and the needs
of the situation, and kindness by respecting the needs and humanity of the child.
Understanding the belief behind behavior. All human behavior has a purpose.
You will be far more effective at changing your child's behavior when you understand
the motivation for it. (Children start creating the beliefs that form their personality
from the day they are born.) Dealing with the belief is as important as (if not more
important than) dealing with the behavior.
Effective communication. Parents and children (even young ones) can learn to
listen well and use respectful words to ask for what they need. Parents will learn that
children "hear" better when they are invited to think and participate instead of being
told what to think and do. And parents will learn how to model the listening they
expect from their children.
Understanding a child's world. Children go through different stages of
development. By learning about the developmental tasks your
child faces and taking into account other variables such as birth
order, temperament, and the presence (or absence) of social and
emotional skills, your child's behavior becomes easier to understand. When you understand your child's world, you can choose
better responses to her behavior.
Discipline that teaches. Effective discipline teaches valuable
social and life skills and is neither permissive nor punitive.
Focusing on solutions instead of punishment. Blame never
solves problems. At first, you will decide how to approach
challenges and problems. But as your child grows and develops,
you will learn to work together to find respectful, helpful solutions
to the challenges you face, from spilled Kool-Aid to bedtime woes.
Encouragement. Encouragement celebrates effort and
improvement, not just success, and helps children develop
confidence in their own abilities.
Children do better when they feel better. Where did parents get the crazy idea
that in order to make children behave, parents should make them feel shame, humiliation, or even pain? Children are more motivated to cooperate, learn new skills, and
offer affection and respect when they feel encouraged, connected, and loved.
MORE ABOUT DISCIPLINE
Do these parents' words sound familiar?
"I have tried everything when it comes to discipline, but I am getting absolutely
nowhere! My three-year-old daughter is very demanding, selfish, and stubborn. What should I
do?"
"What can I do when nothing works? I have tried time-out with my four-year-old, taking
away a toy or television, and spanking him—and none of it is helping. He is rude, disrespectful,
and completely out of control. What should I try next?"
"I have a class of fifteen four-year-olds. Two of them fight all the time, but I can't get
them to play with anyone else. I put them in time-out, threaten to take away recess if they play
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together, and this morning I started yelling when one of them tore up the other's drawing. I
don't know where to turn—they won't listen to anything I say. How should I discipline them?"
When people talk about "discipline" they usually mean "punishment" because
they believe the two are one and the same. Parents and teachers sometimes yell and
lecture, spank and slap hands, take away toys and privileges, and plop children in a
punitive time-out to "think about what you did." Unfortunately, no matter how
effective punishment may seem at the moment, it does not create the long-term learning and social and life skills parents truly want for their children. Punishment only
makes a challenging situation worse, inviting both adults and children to plunge
headfirst into power struggles.
Positive Discipline is based on a different premise: that children (and adults) do
better when they feel better. Positive Discipline is about teaching (the meaning of the
word discipline is "to teach" ), understanding, encouraging, and communicating—not
about punishing.
Most of us absorbed our ideas about discipline from our own parents, our
society, and years of tradition and assumptions. We often believe that children must
suffer (at least a little) or they won't learn anything. But in the past few decades, our
society and culture have changed rapidly and our understanding of how children grow
and learn has changed, so the ways we teach children to be capable, responsible,
confident people must change as well. Punishment may seem to work in the short
term. But over time, it creates rebellion, resistance, or children who just don't believe in
their own worth. There is a better way, and this book is devoted to helping parents
discover it.
WHAT CHILDREN REALLY NEED
There is a difference between wants and needs, and your child's needs are
simpler than you might think. All genuine needs should be met. But when you give in
to all of your child's wants, you can create huge problems for your child and for
yourself.
For example, your preschooler needs food, shelter, and care. He needs warmth
and security. He does not need a pint-sized computer, a television in his bedroom, an
iPod, or a miniature monster truck to drive. He may love staring at the television
screen, but experts tell us that any kind of screen time at this age may hamper optimal
brain development. (More about this later.) He may want to sleep in your bed, but he
will feel a sense of self-reliance and capability by learning to fall asleep in his own bed.
He may love french fries and sugary soda, but if you provide them you could be setting
the stage for childhood (and adult) obesity. You get the idea.
From his earliest moments in your family, your young child has four basic
needs:
1.
2.
3.
4.
A sense of belonging and significance
Perceptions of capability
Personal power and autonomy
Social and life skills
If you can provide your child with these needs, he will be well on his way to
becoming a competent, resourceful, happy human being.
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The Importance of Belonging and Significance
"Well, of course," you may be thinking, "everyone knows a child needs to
belong." Most parents believe that what a child really needs is quite simple: he needs
love. But love alone does not always create a sense of belonging or worth. In fact, love
sometimes leads parents to pamper their children, to punish their children, or to make
decisions that are not in their child's long-term best
interest.
Everyone—adults and children alike—needs to
belong somewhere.
We need to know that we are accepted
unconditionally for who we are, rather than just our
behavior or what we can do. For young children, the
need to belong is even more crucial. After all, they're
still learning about the world around them and their
place in it. They need to know they are loved and
wanted even when they have a tantrum, spill their
cereal, break Dad's golf clubs, or make yet another mess
in the kitchen.
Children who don't believe they belong become discouraged, and discouraged
children often misbehave. Notice the word believe. You may know your child belongs
and is significant. But if he doesn't believe it (sometimes for the darnedest reasons, such
as the birth of another baby), he may try to find his sense of belonging and significance
in mistaken ways. In fact, most young children's misbehavior is a sort of "code"
designed to let you know that they don't feel a sense of belonging and need your
attention, connection, time, and teaching.
When you can create a sense of belonging and significance for every member of
your family, your home becomes a place of peace, respect, and safety.
Perceptions of Capability
Your preschooler will never learn to make decisions, learn new skills, or trust his
own abilities if you don't make room for him to practice. Parenting in the preschool
years involves a great deal of letting go.
You will learn more in the chapters ahead about encouraging perceptions of
capability in your child, but for now, consider this: words alone are not powerful
enough to build a sense of competence and confidence in children. Children feel capable
when they experience capability and self-sufficiency—when they are able to successfully
do something—and from developing solid skills.
Personal Power and Autonomy
As you will see, developing autonomy and initiative are among the earliest
developmental tasks your child will face. And while parents may not exactly like it,
even the youngest child has personal power—and quickly learns how to use it. If you
doubt this, think about the last time you saw a four-year-old jut out his jaw, fold his
arms, and say boldly, "No! I don't want to!"
Part of your job as a parent will be to help your child learn to channel his
considerable power in positive directions—to help solve problems, to learn life skills,
and to respect and cooperate with others. Punishment will not teach these vital lessons:
effective and loving discipline will.
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Social and Life Skills
Teaching your child skills—how to get along with other children and adults, how
to feed and dress herself, how to learn responsibility—will occupy most of your
parenting hours during the preschool years. But the need for social and practical life
skills never goes away. In fact, true self-esteem does not come from being loved,
praised, or showered with goodies—it comes from having
skills.
When children are young, they love to imitate
parents. Your child will want to hammer nails with you,
squirt the bottle of detergent or prepare breakfast (with
lots of supervision). As he grows more capable, you can use
these everyday moments of life together to teach him how
to become a competent, capable person. Working together
to learn skills can occasionally be messy, but it's also an
enjoyable and valuable part of raising your child.
WHY SOME PARENTS DON'T ACCEPT
NONPUNITIVE METHODS
Because all children (and all parents) are unique individuals, there are usually
several nonpunitive solutions to any problem. Some of the parents we meet at lectures
and parenting classes don't immediately understand or accept these solutions; indeed,
Positive Discipline requires a paradigm shift—a radically different way of thinking
about discipline. Parents who are hooked on punishment often are asking the wrong
questions. They usually want to know:
•
•
•
•
How do I make my child mind?
How do I make my child understand "no" ?
How do I get my child to listen to me?
How do I make this problem go away?
Most frazzled parents want answers to these questions at one time or another,
but they are based on short-term thinking. Parents will be eager for nonpunitive
alternatives when they ask the right questions— and see the results this change in
approach creates for them and their children. What are the right kinds of questions?
Here's a good start.
•
•
•
•
•
How do I help my child feel capable?
How do I help my child feel a sense of belonging and significance?
How do I help my child learn respect, cooperation, and problem- solving
skills?
How do I get into my child's world and understand his developmental
process?
How can I use problems as opportunities for learning—for my child and
for me?
These questions address the big picture and are based on long-term thinking. We
have found that when parents find answers to the longterm questions, the short-term
questions take care of themselves. Children will "mind" and cooperate (at least, most of
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the time) when they feel a sense of belonging and significance, they will understand
"no" when they are developmentally ready and are involved in solutions to problems,
and they'll listen when parents listen to them and talk in ways that invite listening.
Problems are solved more easily when children are involved in the process.
We have included Positive Discipline tips in every chapter of this book. In this
chapter, we will tell you why punitive discipline methods should be avoided, and we
will present suggestions for nonpunitive methods that will help your child develop into
a capable and loving person.
DISCIPLINE METHODS TO AVOID
Most parents have done it at one time or another. But if you are screaming,
yelling, or lecturing, stop. If you are spanking, stop. If you are trying to gain
compliance through threats and warnings, stop. All of these methods are disrespectful
and encourage doubt, shame, guilt, and/or rebellion—now and in the future.
Ultimately, punishment creates more misbehavior. (There are many research studies
that demonstrate the long-term negative effects of punishment. These studies are
usually buried in academic journals where parents don't see them.)
"Wait just one minute," you may be thinking. "These methods worked for my
parents. You're taking away every tool I have to manage my child's behavior. What am
I supposed to do, let my child do anything she wants?" Of course not. Permissiveness is
disrespectful and does not teach important life skills. You can never really control
anyone's behavior but your own, and your attempts to control your child will usually
create more problems and more power struggles. Later in this chapter, we offer several
methods that invite cooperation (when applied with a kind and firm attitude) while
encouraging your preschooler to develop character and valuable life skills.
Life with an active, challenging preschooler becomes much easier when you
accept that positive learning does not take place in a threatening atmosphere. Children
don't listen when they are feeling scared, hurt, or angry. Punishment derails the
learning process.
METHODS THAT INVITE COOPERATION
So, what tools and ideas will help your child learn all she needs to know? If
punishment doesn't work, what does? Here are some suggestions. Remember, your
child's individual development is critical in these years; remember, too, that nothing
works all the time for all children. As your unique child grows and changes, you'll have
to return to the drawing board many times, but these ideas will form the foundation
for years of effective parenting.
Get Children Involved
Education comes from the Latin root educare, which means "to draw forth." This may explain why
children so often tune you out when you try to "stuff in" through constant demands and lectures.
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Eight Methods for Implementing Positive Discipline
1. Get children involved:
a. In the creation of routines
b. Through the use of limited choices
c. By providing opportunities to help
2. Teach respect by being respectful.
3. Use your sense of humor.
4. Get into your child's world.
5. Say what you mean, arid then follow through with kindness and firmness.
6. Be patient.
7. Act, don't talk—and supervise carefully.
8. Accept and appreciate your child's uniqueness.
Instead of telling children what to do, find ways to involve them in decisions and to draw
out what they think and perceive. Curiosity questions (which often begin with "what"
or "how") are one way to do this. Ask, "What do you think will happen if you push your
tricycle over the curb?" or "What do you need to do to get ready for preschool?"
Children who are involved in decision making experience a healthy sense of personal
power and autonomy. For children who are not yet able to talk, say, "Next, we _____
," while kindly and firmly showing them what to do.
There are several particularly effective ways of getting preschoolers involved in
cooperation and problem solving. Here are three suggestions:
Create routines together. Young children learn best by repetition and consistency, so
you can ease the transitions of family life by involving them in creating reliable
routines. Routines can be created for every event that happens over and over: getting
up, bedtime, dinner, shopping, and so on. Sit down with your child and invite her to
help you make a routine chart. Ask her to tell you the tasks involved in the routine
(such as bedtime). Let her help you decide on the order. Take pictures of her doing each
task that can be pasted next to each item. Then let her illustrate the chart with markers
and glitter. Hang it where she can see it, and let the routine chart become the boss.
When your child gets distracted, you can ask, "What's next on your routine chart?" (Be
sure not to confuse these with sticker or reward charts, which diminish your child's
inner sense of capability because the focus is on the reward.)
Offer limited choices. Having choices gives children a sense of power: they have
the power to choose one possibility or another. Choices also invite a child to use his
thinking skills as he contemplates what to do. And, of course, young children often love
it when choices include an opportunity to help. "What is the first thing you will do when
we get home—help me put the groceries away or read a story? You decide." "Would
you like to carry the blanket or the cracker box as we walk to the car? You decide."
Adding "You decide" increases your child's sense of power. Be sure the choices are
developmentally appropriate and that all of the choices are options you are comfortable
with. When your child wants to do something else, you can say, "That wasn't one of the
choices. You can decide between this and this."
Provide opportunities for your child to help you. Young children often resist a
command to get in the car but respond cheerfully to a request like "I need your help.
Will you carry the keys to the car for me?" Activities that might easily have become
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power struggles and battles can become opportunities for laughter and closeness if you
use your instincts and your creativity. Allowing your child to help you (even when it's
messy or inconvenient) also sets the stage for cooperation later on.
Teach Respect by Being Respectful
Parents usually believe children should show respect, not have it shown to them.
But children learn respect by seeing what it looks like in action. Be respectful when you
make requests. Don't expect a child to do something "right now" when you are
interrupting something she is thoroughly engaged in. Give her some warning: "We
need to leave in a minute. Do you want to swing one more time or go down the slide?"
Carry a small timer around with you. Teach her to set it to one or two minutes. Then let
her put the timer in her pocket so she can be ready to go when the timer goes off.
Remember, too, that making a child feel shame and humiliation— such as a child
might feel if she was spanked in the middle of the park (or anywhere else, for that
matter)—is disrespectful, and a child who is treated with disrespect is likely to return
the favor. Kindness and firmness show respect for your child's dignity, your own
dignity, and the needs of the situation.
Use Your Sense of Humor
No one ever said parenting had to be boring or unpleasant. Laughter is often the
best way to approach a situation. Try saying, "Here comes the tickle monster to get
children who don't pick up their toys." Learn to laugh together and to create games to
get unpleasant jobs done quickly. Humor is one of the best—and most enjoyable—
parenting tools.
Three-year-old Nathan had an unfortunate tendency to whine, and Beth was at her wits'
end. She had tried talking, explaining, and ignoring, but nothing seemed to have any effect. One
day Beth tried something that was probably more desperation than inspiration. As Nathan
whined that he wanted some juice,
Beth turned to him with a funny look on her face. "Nathan," she said, "something is
wrong with Mommy's ears. When you whine, I can't hear you at all!"
Again Nathan whined for juice, but this time Beth only shook her head and tapped her
ear, looking around as if a mosquito were buzzing near her head. Nathan tried once more, but
again Beth shook her head. Then Beth heard something different. The little boy took a deep breath
and said in a low, serious voice, "Mommy, can I have some juice?" When Beth turned to look at
him, he added "Please?" for good measure.
Beth laughed and scooped Nathan up for a hug before heading to the kitchen. "I can hear
you perfectly when you ask so nicely," she said. From that time on, all Beth had to do when
Nathan began to whine was tap her ear and shake her head. Nathan would draw an exasperated
breath—and begin again in a nicer tone of voice.
Not everything can be treated lightly, of course. But rules become less difficult to
follow when children know that a spontaneous tickling match or pillow battle might
erupt at any moment. Taking time to lighten up and to laugh together works where
discipline is concerned, too, and makes life more pleasant for everyone.
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Get into Your Child's World
Understanding your preschooler's developmental needs and limitations is critical
to parenting during these important years. Do your best to be empathetic when your
child becomes upset or has a temper tantrum out of frustration with his lack of abilities.
Empathy does not mean rescuing. It means understanding. Give your child a hug and
say, "You're really upset right now. I know you want to stay." Then hold your child and
let him experience his feelings before you gently guide him to leave. If you rescue your
child by letting him stay, he won't have the opportunity to learn from experience that
he can survive disappointment.
Getting into your child's world also means seeing the world from his perspective
and recognizing his abilities—and his limitations. Occasionally ask yourself how you
might be feeling (and acting) if you were your child. It can be illuminating to view the
world through a smaller person's eyes.
Say What You Mean, Then Follow Through with Kindness and Firmness
Children usually sense when you mean what you say and when you don't. It's
usually best not to say anything unless you mean it and can say it respectfully—and can
then follow through with dignity and respect. The fewer words you say, the better! This
may mean redirecting or showing a child what she can do instead of punishing her for
what she can't do. It also might mean wordlessly removing a child from the slide when
it is time to go, rather than getting into an argument or a battle of wills. When this is
done kindly, firmly, and without anger, it will be both respectful and effective.
Be Patient
Understand that you may need to teach your child many things over and over
before she is developmentally ready to understand. For example, you can encourage
your child to share, but don't expect her to understand the concept and do it on her
own when she doesn't feel like it. When she refuses to share, rest assured that this
doesn't mean she will be forever selfish. It will help to understand that she is acting ageappropriately. (More on social skills in Chapter 11.) Don't take your child's behavior
personally and think your child is mad at you, bad, or defiant. Act like the adult
(sometimes easier said than done) and do what is necessary without guilt and shame.
Act, Don't Talk—and Supervise Carefully
Minimize your words and maximize your actions. As Rudolf Dreikurs once said,
"Shut your mouth and act." Quietly take your child by the hand and lead her to where
she needs to go. Show her what she can do instead of what she can't do. And no matter
how bright, cooperative, or quick to learn your child is, be sure to supervise her actions
carefully. Preschoolers are often impulsive little people and your child will need your
watchful attention for years to come.
Accept and Appreciate Your Child's Uniqueness
Children develop differently and have different strengths. Expecting from a child
what he cannot give will only frustrate both of you. Your sister's children may be able
to sit quietly in a restaurant for hours, while yours get twitchy after just a few minutes,
no matter how diligently you prepare (refer to Chapters 3 and 6 on developmentally
appropriate behavior and temperament for more on this subject). If you simply accept
that, you can save yourself and your children a lot of grief by waiting to have that fancy
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meal when you can enjoy it in adult company—or when your children have matured
enough for all of you to enjoy it together.
It may help to think of yourself as a coach, helping your child to succeed and
learn how to do things. You're also an observe; learning who your child is as a unique
human being. Never underestimate the ability of a young child. Watch carefully as you
introduce new opportunities and activities; discover what your child is interested in,
what your child can do by himself, and what he needs help learning from you.
WHAT ABOUT TIME-OUTS?
You may wonder where a common parenting tool, the time-out, fits in the
Positive Discipline approach. Most parents use it (in one study, 91 percent of parents of
three-year-old children admitted to doing so), but few really understand what it is or
how best to use it with young children.
A positive time-out can be an extremely effective way of helping a child (and a
parent) calm down enough to solve problems together. In fact, when we are upset or
angry, we actually lose access to the part of the brain that allows us to think rationally
and calmly, so a positive-not punitive—time-out can help everyone a great deal. A
punitive time-out is past-oriented, making children suffer for what they have done and
not actually encouraging them to make good decisions about what to do in the future.
A positive time-out allows for cooling off until both of you can access the rational part
of the brain, and it is future-oriented because when children feel encouraged, they can
learn to make positive decisions about self-control and responsibility.
It may be helpful to rename the time-out, taking away the implication of
punishment or restriction. You can call a positive time-out a "cool-off" or even a "feelgood place." It is often effective to invite your child to help you create a positive timeout area, supplying this special spot with items that help your child soothe himself (soft
toys, books, art supplies, a favorite blanket, etc.). Some parents and teachers believe
that making a time-out area inviting and pleasant rewards children for misbehavior.
Wise adults realize that all people have moments when they are too upset to get along,
and a few moments in positive time-out (when it's not shaming or punishing) provides
a cooling-off period. One child care center used the cooling-off image literally to help
the children see it as a positive experience when they needed to calm down. The
children helped to set up a corner of the classroom with pillows and cuddly toys and
named it "Antarctica." Any child could choose to go to Antarctica to cool off when he
needed to. The whimsy of this space really appealed to the children, taking away
negative connotations and allowing cooling off to become a positive life skill. (Wouldn't
it be great if adults had a handy Antarctica, too?) Make sure children know they're
welcome to return from their cooling-off period when they are ready.
Here are several essential points to consider regarding time-out (or cool-off) for
young children:
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•
Time-outs should not be used with children under the age of three or
four. Until children reach the age of reason, which starts around age three
(and is an ongoing process that even some adults have not fully
mastered), supervision and distraction are the most effective parenting
tools.
Children do better when they feel better. Strong emotions can feel
overwhelming to a young child. A positive time-out gives them an
opportunity to calm down and catch their breath, so they are able to work
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•
•
•
with you to solve the problem. When your child is young, you can go
with him to a positive time-out if it makes him feel better. Remember, the
purpose is for both of you to feel better so you can choose better
behavior—eventually.
Your attitude is the key. Time-outs should not be used as a punishment,
but rather as a way to give children time to calm down. When your child
is feeling discouraged ("misbehaving"), you can ask, "Would it help you to
go to your feel-good place?" If your child refuses, ask if she would like
you to go with her. (Remember, the purpose is to help her feel better.) If
she still refuses, go yourself to model a good way to calm down until you
feel better. A positive time-out is most effective when it is offered as one
of several choices: "Would it help you to go to the comfy area or to
brainstorm for some solutions with me?" When children don't have a
choice, even a positive time-out can turn into a power struggle, with an
adult trying to make a resistant child stay in an area that feels like punishment to him—no matter what the adult calls it.
No parenting tool works all of the time. Be sure to have more than just
time-outs in your toolbox. There is never one tool—or three, or even
ten—that is effective for every situation and for every child. Filling your
parenting toolbox with healthy, nonpunitive alternatives will help you
avoid the temptation to punish when your child challenges you—and he
undoubtedly will.
Always remember your child's development and capabilities.
Understanding what is (and is not) age-appropriate behavior will help you
not to expect things that are beyond the ability of your child.
Time-out can be an effective and appropriate
parenting tool when it is used to teach, encourage,
and soothe. (For more information about time-outs,
see Positive Time Out: And Over SO Ways to Avoid
Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms by Jane
Nelsen, Ed.D., Three Rivers Press, 1999.)
WHEN YOUR CHILD "DOESN'T LISTEN"
One of the most common complaints parents
have about young children is the mysterious hearing loss known as "my child won't
listen." There are many reasons why children don't respond to adults' instructions—
few of which have anything to do with their hearing.
Three-year-old Brianna is hitting her playmate and barely pauses when her teacher tells
her to stop. Gregory's dad tells him it's time to leave the park and go home, then gets no
response—until he raises his voice and grabs Gregory's elbow. Megan's mom tells her calmly
and clearly before they enter the store that there will be no treats or toys today, and Megan nods
when asked if she understands, but as they wait at the checkout stand, Megan howls loudly for
candy anyway.
Sound familiar? The problem usually isn't that our children don't listen but that
what we're asking of them runs counter to some more basic need. Brianna, for
example, is very young and is still working on her social skills. She needs to be helped
13
to "use her words" and, if she continues to hit, to be removed calmly to another place.
Gregory is experimenting with his initiative and autonomy, which, unfortunately, don't
match his dad's concept of what he should be doing. He can learn from limited choices
and from kind, firm action. Megan is simply too young to remember instructions that
were given an hour earlier— especially when they're contrary to what she wants now.
Children Don't Listen Because:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Adults yell, lecture, or nag, which does not invite listening.
Adults don't ask a child what she should or should not be doing, but tell
her.
Adults set up power struggles that make winning more important than
cooperating.
The child is "programmed" by her instinct toward development to
explore—and the adult doesn't want her to. The voice of a child's instinct
is usually louder than the voice of an adult.
The child cannot comply with a request because it demands social skills or
thinking skills that have not yet developed.
Children don't have the same priorities as adults.
Adults don't listen to children
Since you can no more make your child listen than you can make him obey,
what can you do? You can listen first, thus providing a model for listening.
Understanding temperament and age-appropriate behavior will help; so will avoiding
yelling, punishment, and nagging, which only invite power struggles. Also try inviting
cooperation instead of insisting on obedience: "There are toys on the floor. Would you
like to pick them up with me or can you do it all by yourself?" Children usually
cooperate when they feel empowered to choose.
LET THE MESSAGE OF LOVE GET THROUGH
We often ask parents in workshops why they care about their children's behavior. After a few moments of head scratching and blank stares, they tell us that they love
their children—as though that love ought to be obvious. But is it?
You know you love your child. Gaze down at her sleeping face or watch her grin
at you through a mask of chocolate ice cream, and see if you can resist the urge to hug
her. But does your child know that you offer discipline, skills, and teaching because you
love her?
Even the most effective nonpunitive parenting tools must be used in an
atmosphere of love, of unconditional acceptance and belonging. Be sure you take time
for hugs and cuddles, for smiles and loving touches. Your child will do better when she
feels better, and she will feel better when she lives in a world of love and belonging.
14
3
UNDERSTANDING DEVELOPMENTAL
APPROPRIATENESS
Each human being is a work of art. Look at the variety we see in appearance
alone: skin color, hair color and texture, shape of the nose, color of the eyes, height,
weight, shape—each one of us is unique. And physical characteristics are only the
beginning of our uniqueness.
Temperament is as individual as a fingerprint. So is the rate at which we develop
and grow. Understanding developmental appropriateness means taking into account
things children are generally able to do, think, and accomplish at different ages—as well
as individual variations of each child's development within the broader context of her
family, culture, and life circumstances. That is a lot to consider.
UNDERSTANDING AGE-APPROPRIATENESS: HOW TO TEACH AND
EMPOWER
Around the age of one to two, children enter the "me do it" stage. This is when
they develop a sense of autonomy (as discussed in Positive Discipline: The First Three
Years, second edition, by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy, Three Rivers
Press, 2007). The ages of two through six herald the development of a sense of
initiative, meaning that it is a child's developmental job to explore and experiment. Can
you imagine how confusing it is to a child to be punished for what he is
developmentally programmed to do? He is faced with a real dilemma (at a
subconscious level): "Do I obey my parents, or do I follow my biological drive to
develop autonomy and initiative by exploring and experimenting in my world?"
Punishment—a typical adult reaction to new and challenging behavior—leads to a sense
of guilt and shame.
These stages of development do not mean children should be allowed to do
anything they want. They do explain why your efforts to gain your child's cooperation
should be kind and firm instead of controlling and/or punitive. Your child's brain is
forming connections that will influence her personality and approach to life, and you
most likely want her to decide, "I am competent. I can try, make mistakes, and learn. I
am loved. I am a good person." If you are tempted to "teach" your child by guilt, shame,
or punishment, you will be creating discouraging beliefs that are difficult to reverse in
adulthood.
POSITIVE DISCIPLINE AND YOUR PRESCHOOLER
One way to use developmentally appropriate parenting tools is to build on a
child's strengths—what she can already do—and challenge her to learn a bit more with
a small nudge in a new direction. The child who can count to three can begin counting
out three spoons to use at breakfast, select three crayons for coloring, or stir the pancake batter three times. A child masters these new skills with an adult's help, then with
an adult counting aloud nearby, and finally on her own. You will use this process over
and over for many kinds of learning throughout these years, as your child grows from
the helpless baby you cradled in your arms to the wonderful and capable child you will
soon accompany to her first elementary school classroom.
AGE AND WINDOWS OF OPPORTUNITY
Children are, in many ways, similar. Juan and Mary, for instance, both learned to
walk in the first thirteen months of life. Children are different, too. Mary doggedly
pulled herself along the furniture and took her first steps at ten months of age, while
Juan was still contentedly crawling at eleven months.
Picture a window in your mind. Although the window is framed on all sides,
there is a great deal of space in the middle. There are age windows for some functions
of physical, intellectual, and emotional development, but each child has his or her own
individual schedule within those windows, neither exactly like nor completely unlike
anyone else's. Other abilities, such as social skills, continue to develop into adulthood.
Because our focus is discipline, let's take a look at some of the factors that
influence a child's perceptions and behavior.
PROCESS VERSUS PRODUCT
The way children see the world changes a lot between the
ages of three and six. It isn't until the end of these years—around
age five—that children begin to do things with a specific goal in
mind. Until that time they are far more interested in the doing
itself, or "process," than the product or goal of what they do.
Imagine that it's a busy Friday evening and you're off on a
quick trip to the grocery store with your preschooler. You have a
definite goal in mind—to grab the necessary ingredients for
dinner in time to get home, prepare and eat it, and still be on time
for your older son's soccer game. For your young child, however,
the product just isn't the point. A trip to the store is all about the
process—the smells, the colors, the feelings, and the experience.
Being sandwiched into a busy schedule just doesn't allow time to
enjoy the process!
Children may not share our goal-oriented expectations. But it isn't always
possible to go along with a child's relaxed approach, either— sometimes we really do
need to run in, grab the chicken, and run home again. Being aware of your child's
tendency to focus on process rather than product can help you provide a balance. There
may be times when you can take a leisurely browse through the store, enjoying the
smell of flowers in the floral department, the colors of the fruits and vegetables, and the
brightly colored magazines in the rack. When you must hurry, take a moment to
explain to your child why you must shop quickly this time. You can explain that you
want him to hold your hand and that you will have to walk past the toys and other
interesting things. You can offer to let him help you find the chicken and carry it to the
checkout stand. Then you will walk back to the car and drive home. Helping a child
28
understand what is expected and what will happen makes it easier for him to cooperate
with you.
Patsy arrived at the child care center one afternoon just in time to see Laura and her son
leaving with a huge, colorful painting. Patsy looked around eagerly to see what her son, Paul,
had painted, but none of the pictures had his name on them. Baffled, Patsy cornered the teacher
and asked why Paul hadn't had a chance to paint that day. "Paul was very interested in the
paint," the teacher said, "but not in putting it on the paper. He stirred the colors and
experimented with the feeling of the paint on his fingers, then decided he'd really rather build
with blocks."
Paul's mom will feel reassured when she understands this process oriented
aspect of Paul's development.
POINT OF VIEW
What does the world look like when you are less than three feet tall? How might
your choices, needs, and behavior be influenced by this particular point of view? Well,
get down on your knees and take a look around.
What does the painting six feet up the wall look like from this angle? How
inviting is a conversation with adult knees? What kind of challenge does hand washing
present when the sink begins a foot above where you end? Understanding a young
child's physical perspective and limitations can help parents and teachers fit the
environment to a child's abilities. Whenever you take the time to think about such factors and make appropriate adjustments, you will increase your child's feeling of
competence and decrease his frustration—which may make both misbehavior and the
need for discipline less likely.
"FOR REAL?": FANTASY AND REALITY
Young children often have difficulty understanding the difference between what
is real and what is imaginary.
Three-year-old Philip's parents were excited to take him to see the Disney classic
Snow White. They first explained that the movie was fun but did have some scary parts.
"It isn't real," Karen told her small son. "You don't need to be afraid." Philip grinned and
bounced up and down, too excited about seeing his first movie to pay much attention
to his mother's warning.
Everything went well until the scene where the wicked queen drinks the potion
that will turn her into a withered old hag. Suddenly, with a shriek like a teakettle boiling
over, Philip leaped from his own seat into his mother's lap, where he huddled shaking
for the rest of the movie.
"Hey, kiddo, didn't we tell you the movie wasn't real?" Bill asked his small son on
the way out to the car. Philip looked up at his dad in amazement. "But Dad," he said
slowly, "it was real. I saw it!"
Philip's parents learned that the best lectures in the world don't change the fact
that a child's definition of reality is far broader than an adult's.
By age five, the difference between fantasy and reality becomes clearer, but a
child's interpretation of what he perceives is still limited by his development. During the
9/11 attacks on New York City, news programs agreed to stop rebroadcasting images
of the planes flying into buildings because young children thought that this was world,
but not in the same way adults do.
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Parents sometimes reprimand children for what is simply part of their
development, or interpret this behavior as lying. If you can accept your child's fear and
listen to his feelings, your child will feel safe sharing his world with you.
"TELL ME THE TRUTH!": YOUNG CHILDREN AND LYING
Q. How do I deal with my four-year-old's lies? She lies about even little things. I
can't let her get away with such behavior. Please offer some advice on how I should
handle this delicate situation.
A. Children can "lie" for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes they are confused about
what is real and what is not. They may lie because they are anxious for approval and
don't want to admit doing something they shouldn't have done. Sometimes they want
to avoid the consequences of their actions. (Adults may lie for exactly the same
reasons.)
Your statement about letting her "get away with it" gives a clue about your
attitude. At four, most children can understand that their behavior has consequences,
but they don't have maturity and judgment. They still need far more teaching than they
do discipline. If your daughter suspects that wrong choices and mistakes will earn her
punishments or lectures, she will not want to tell you the truth.
Children are not born understanding the difference between truth and lies, and
they will not automatically value honesty. Parents should plan to do some teaching on
why trust and telling the truth are important, but don't expect young children to
understand until they are more mature. It is also true that children are more likely to
value honesty when they see the adults around them practicing it. (In other words,
your children will not learn to be truthful if they hear you calling in sick to work
because you would rather go skiing.)
Most children (and most adults) lie from time to time. Remember that mistakes
are inevitable—especially when you're four—and if they're viewed as opportunities to
learn rather than sins or failures, they're not as scary. If you want your child to be
truthful, you must be willing to listen, to refrain from shaming or punishing, and to
work with her to develop her skills and understanding as problems arise. When a child
does not tell the truth and is spanked, sent to time-out, or shamed, she learns
unintended lessons. Punishment only appears to work; it usually produces children
who are fearful or who may try to wriggle out of taking responsibility for their actions.
Listen to one father's experience with his son's "lying":
Colin is not thrilled to find a broken egg on the kitchen floor. "Hey," he calls with
exasperation in his voice, "who broke this egg?" Four-year-old Sam replies calmly, "An alligator
did it."
Colin knows there aren't any alligators in Kansas. He wants to find a way to handle the
situation that both solves the egg problem and teaches Sam the importance of telling the truth.
"An alligator!" he exclaims. "Was it orange? I think I just saw it in the driveway." Sam grins
and agrees that it was an orange alligator.
Colin smiles, too, and then says, "You know, I'm just pretending that there was an
alligator. I know we don't have alligators around here." He then suggests that they clean up the
broken egg together, knowing there will be opportunities to talk as they work.
"Sam, were you afraid I would yell at you about the egg?" Sam drops his eyes and nods
slowly. Colin makes his voice warm and gentle as he says, "I know it's tempting to blame things
on an alligator or to make up something that didn't really happen. But it's important for you to
know that you can tell me the truth, even when you feel scared. Do you know why it's important
30
to tell the truth?" Sam shakes his head. Colin ruffles his son's hair. "I want to be able to trust
what you tell me, buddy. I love you very much, and I want to know that when you tell me
something, it's what really happened."
Sam looks up and says slowly, "I love you, too, Daddy. I was just pretending."
Colin says, "Yes, I know we were pretending. And it's fun to pretend sometimes. It's
important to know that we can tell the truth, though. We're pretending when we make up a
story together. We're lying when we use a story to avoid admitting we've made a mistake."
Sam will probably have to learn this lesson more than once. Few adults can claim
to be completely truthful all of the time, and Sam may still err before mastering this
new concept.
Colin could also simply have asked Sam if he felt scared. Or he could have asked
the original question in a less threatening way, saying, "Sam, this broken egg made a
mess. How can we solve this problem? Can you clean it up by yourself, or would you
like me to help?"
Removing the sense of fear and getting the message of love through to our
children (or even participating in a bit of nonsense with them) can help them learn to
tell the truth.
CHILDREN AND STEALING
Ownership is another example of a child's differing thought processes. Young
children don't make the same assumptions about property rights that adults do. (In
fact, the development of morals and ethics continues well into adolescence.) Because
children learn by watching adults, they sometimes make surprising decisions about
what they've seen.
Ways to Respond to Lying
Here are some suggestions to consider using when your child tells a lie."
•
•
•
•
•
•
Join in, pretending with the child by exaggerating the story and making it
funny, and absurd.
Focus on solutions rather than on blame. Instead of asking who made the
miss,' ask if the child needs help cleaning it up; or ask if the child has ideas
about to solve the problem.
When you suspect a lie, state it: "That sounds like a story to me. I wonder
what the truth is?
Empathize with a child. Ask if he feels scared to admit to making a mess.
Assure him we all feel scared at times.
Explain the need to accept responsibility for his actions: "We all make
mistakes, but blaming others, even imaginary people, does not take
away, responsibility for what we did?
Talk about the meaning of trust. Help a 'child see the connection between
telling the truth and having others trust what he says.
Jason goes into the supermarket with his mom. He watches Mom pick up a copy of the
free local paper and place it in her purse. Further down the aisle a woman is offering samples of
31
cookies. Mom takes one for her and offers one to Jason, who munches on it happily as they
complete their shopping.
When they arrive at the car, Mom lifts Jason into his car seat , and discovers a bulge in
her son's pocket. Further examination reveals a candy bar.
"You stole this," Mom exclaims, shocked.
"What's 'stealing'?" Jason wonders.
It's not really surprising that Jason is confused; what difference is there between
the paper, the cookies, and the candy bar? If Mom is paying attention, she may realize
that the problem is not one of stealing or dishonesty but of differing perceptions. Now
her task is to help her little boy understand why he can take some things out of the
supermarket but not others.
If Mom lectures Jason, shames him, and makes him feel guilty and afraid, he
may be more likely to believe that right and wrong are a matter of getting caught. He
may also be less able to apply what he has learned to a future situation. Discipline is
meant to teach, and mistakes are opportunities to learn. We really can't say it often
enough!
"WHO AM I?"
How we define ourselves in relation to the rest of the world changes so much in
these late preschool years.
Alice walks into the preschool shaking her head. She prides herself on being a
no-frills sort of person: she wears no makeup, pulls her hair back simply, and usually
dresses in jeans and T- shirts. Right behind Mom is her daughter, Sally—and four-yearold Sally is a sight to behold. She is wearing a lacy pink dress, ribbons in her hair, her
best shiny shoes, and a jangly assortment of bracelets on her arms. Sally, it seems, is all
girl. Not only was she born a girl, but she will remain one for the rest of her life (despite
her earlier declaration that she would become a boy after her next birthday). Sally may
not always insist on ruffles and bracelets, but for now she is busy exploring all the
aspects of her perception of what it means to be a girl.
This sex role identification takes place even when parents are careful to minimize
gender stereotypes. On playgrounds everywhere games emerge during the preschool
years that focus on gender. "No boys allowed," say the girls. "Girls, ick," reply the boys
with equal fervor. Although this is a natural phase, parents can still teach young
children to respect all people.
Children naturally learn that they are either
male or female, but this learning process needn't
involve gender-based limitations. Girls can play
army and boys can play with dolls and all can learn
to develop their own special abilities, regardless of
sex. Limiting children to sex-typed roles, expecting
play to fall into male or female compartments, or
discouraging abilities on the grounds that they are
"too feminine," not "masculine" enough, or not
"ladylike" may cause children to stifle their unique
skills and interests. Their tastes in clothing and play
will change as they grow, as will their desire to
have same- or opposite-sex friends.
32
Children also begin to notice their physical differences during the preschool
years. In these days of explicit television and advertising, questions related to sexuality
may come earlier than ever before (another excellent reason for staying tuned in to
what your child is watching on the tube). A little boy may want to touch Dad in the
shower. Watching Mom nurse a baby brother or sister may lead to all sorts of
interesting questions. Both boys and girls may stuff teddy bears under their shirts and
announce, "I'm having a baby!" as they simulate the growing belly of a pregnant
teacher, parent, or relative.
As much as possible, try to remain calm, relaxed, and "askable." Use accurate
terms such as penis, breast, or vagina. Children don't need a great deal of detailed
information about sexuality (in fact, their eyes will probably glaze over if you try), but
most experts agree that it is wise to answer questions or offer explanations in simple,
accurate terms, such as "Auntie has a baby growing inside her" or "Boys have penises
but girls have vaginas."
Children won't always get the details right.
Chelsea is four and a half. One evening, as she enjoys her bath, she carefully drapes her
private parts with a washcloth. Giggling, she explains to her mother that she has to "cover her
peanuts."
Make every effort to enjoy all stages of your child's development. Being open to
topics involving sexuality will establish an atmosphere of comfort and trust and will
enable your children to seek further information later on, when they really need it.
RACE AND OTHER DIFFERENCES
Just as children learn to sort objects by color, size, and shape, they notice that the
people around them look and act differently, too.
Randy's mother is black and his father is white. When Randy was three, the black couple
next door announced that they were expecting their first child. With the innocence of childhood,
three-year-old Randy wondered aloud whether the baby would be black or white. To him,
anything was possible. By the time Randy was four and a half, he had noticed that his skin looked
different from some of his playmates. What decisions will Randy make about this fact?
Gender and Development
Research on how the brain develops has led to some interesting information
about the way gender influences development. For reasons that are not clearly
understood, girls gain access to the left hemisphere of their brains sooner than boys do.
Each child is. unique and most of these differences, disappear around the time children
enter school), but you may. notice some of the following as you raise your preschooler.
•
•
•
Girls often learn language and emotional skills sooner than boys do:
Boys may be more emotionally sensitive than girls early in life and may
have a harder time calming themselves down when they become upset.
Boys often are more physically active, more impulsive, more aggressive,
and more competitive than girls.
Of course, you may find it helpful, to pay attention to your child's unique
qualities, rather than expecting certain behaviors based on gender.
Juanita and her classmates were excited when Khadima joined their class. They loved
pushing his wheelchair through the halls. To them, his disability was simply part of who he was;
the most important fact was that he was their friend.
Delia invited her best friend, Nora, to the dance program her Greek school was putting
on. Delia was proud of the Greek songs she had learned and was excited to share her special culture with her friend.
Wouldn't life be boring if we were all the same? People are different, and the
conclusions children draw about these differences will depend upon what you teach and
model. Parents and teachers have the opportunity to teach children to value differences
instead of condemning or fearing them, and that everyone is worthy of respect—even
those different than themselves. Prejudice, whether it concerns race, culture, or
attitudes toward different physical abilities, is learned. Even young children can learn to
respect differences in race, gender, or religious beliefs. And because children of this age
are learning so much about themselves, it is vital that they learn about others in ways
that are respectful and positive.
CULTURE, SOCIETY, AND ANTI-BIAS
Your child's development is also influenced by the culture and society within
which she lives. Wise parents and teachers recognize the role of culture and respect the
influence society's expectations have on children without bias or judgments.
A professor visiting the United States from her home in Singapore saw a picture of an
American toddler feeding herself.
The child's happy face shone with dripping blobs of yogurt, and more yogurt had been
spread on the high chair tray. Shaking her head, the professor said, "Only in America." What an
eye- opening statement that was for both the visiting professor and her Western colleagues.
What did she mean?
Asian children are often fed by adults until they are three, four, or even five
years old, for two reasons. The first is that food is never to be wasted. The second
34
reason has deep cultural roots: in Asian cultures the highest value is often placed on
relationships. Time spent feeding a child gives the child and adult opportunities to savor
and strengthen their relationship, binding them closer together. In contrast, the
American attitude of encouraging independence far exceeded either of these concerns
for the Western educators present. For them, supporting a child's growing autonomy
and helping her experience her own capability far outweigh messiness or concerns over
lost food. (Because this book is written from a Western perspective, the ideas presented
are in line with this second model.)
The skills that are expected or more valued may differ by culture. Western
culture prizes individualism, while many other cultures see collective needs as more
important. This may influence the age at which a child is expected to dress or feed
herself and what kinds of tasks or choices she will be given. Parents and teachers would
be wise to recognize the influence of culture on development and parenting.
BIRTH ORDER
The preschool years are a time when children are making many of the decisions
about themselves and others that will influence the rest of their lives. They are asking
themselves, "What must I do to find belonging and significance in this family—and with
my friends? Am I good enough or must I keep trying harder—or should I just give
up?" Preschoolers will carry the answers to those questions with them into the world
around them, and they will practice what they are learning and deciding as they explore
social relationships.
Beyond the influence of development and culture, each child's experiences are
shaped by the family position into which she is born. It has been said that every child is
born into a different family, because the arrival of a new child causes each member of
the family to shift to make room for the new member. Those first-time parents who
hovered over their firstborn, worrying about every burp, are not the same people who
bring home baby number two or three. By the time additional children are born, these
same parents know how to change diapers, aren't surprised by a midnight ear
infection, and are much less impressed by the newcomer's tantrums. Each child will
experience this changed family in a different way, and will most likely begin to display
the traits of the birth order position she identifies with.
Keep in mind that birth order is much more than a matter of numbers; there will
be many exceptions to the behaviors associated with each birth order position.
Sometimes the oldest boy and the oldest girl will each experience firstborn status
because they are the oldest of their gender, and sometimes siblings are born so far
apart that each feels like an only child. Overall, though, although the numerical order of
a child's birth position is not the determinant of which birth order perspective he will
adopt, the longer a position is maintained, the stronger its hold.
Each birth order position has a common set of traits that are usually associated
with it. Because these are only likely traits, birth order should not be used as a label or
given any mythic power. And remember, there are no advantageous or
disadvantageous birth order positions. (According to Jane Griffith, "every vantage point
has both ad-vantages and dis-advantages.") Birth order refers to the world that we are
born into and how life looks from that particular vantage point. It is simply another
means of getting into a child's world, providing additional guidelines for sorting out
what might be motivating a child's behavior and life decisions.
Understanding birth order can give you tips for which experiences a child may
need strengthened or which ones are less helpful or could cause difficulties.
35
Firstborn Children
The firstborn must shoulder the responsibilities of trailblazer. Her view of the
world is summed up in her motto, "Me first!" with all its attendant benefits and burdens.
Firstborn children are often treated as a revelation, for theirs is a transformative role:
changing a couple into parents, siblings into aunts and uncles, and parents into
grandparents. Born into a world populated by adults, firstborns may acquire language
early, often becoming quite articulate (with no one around to either interrupt or
interpret for them). Firstborn status may bring extra privileges—but more will be
expected of them, too. Firstborns lead the way in family firsts: from the first birthday
party to the first lost tooth to the first midnight fever and ear infection, or the first to
graduate, the first to learn to swim, and the first to bring home an award of any kind.
All of this responsibility leads to seeing oneself as responsible. It is easy for firstborn
children to become perfectionists, often seeking to do things "right." Some succeed in
their quest for excellence and become high achievers, while others feel so pressured to
live up to expectations that they give up or quit trying if they can't be best.
Second-Born
A second child arriving with a bigger, more skilled and developmentally
advanced sibling already ahead of him wants to get in on the action. It is no surprise
that one of his favorite toddler phrases will be the same as his life's motto: "Me too!" A
second-born child's birth position may be temporary (she may become a middle child)
or lifelong (she may turn out to be the youngest), or if several children follow, her
second-born position may persist. For a second-born, "who I am" is often a process of
elimination—choosing roles and interests that the others have not. If the firstborn is a
sports star, the second-born may long for trophies as well, but will pursue them in a
different arena—music, dancing, horse riding, and so on. Second-born and middle
children share similar experiences, often feeling overshadowed by the siblings at either
end of their family spectrum. It is speculated that second-born and middle children may
have the fewest photographs taken of them.
Middle Children
If a second child is thrust into the middle position by another newcomer, he may
change his motto to "What about me?" The middle can be an uncomfortable spot, with
pressure from above and behind. Middle children don't have the privileges of the oldest
and have lost the fleeting benefits of being the baby (if they ever had time to savor
them). With pressure from an older, more advanced sibling ahead and a cute and
demanding one from behind, middle children sometimes feel unfairly cheated out of
their fair share of time, attention, or material goods. Because they may sometimes feel
lost in the larger family's dynamics, middle children often seek out peers or siblings for
support and encouragement, the benefit of which is that they can develop outstanding
social skills. They also have the unique perspective of learning to see in both directions,
a built-in invitation to see both sides of a situation.
The Baby
When that final family member arrives, hovered over by a houseful of older,
more competent family members, he can simply coo, kick back, and live out his motto:
"Take care of me!" This child may well find that the rules have relaxed for him. His
parents know he is their last child and are reluctant to let go of their baby. He can be a
fun and delightful companion with wonderful social skills. He knows how to fit into a
group— because he has been doing it all his life. When a child is babied he will have
little expected from him. It is no wonder that such an experience of the world can lead
to an attitude of "take care of me," inviting a serious disadvantage. A person who is
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cute, adorable, and engaging (all very lovely attributes) can also learn to apply those
attributes to get others to do his bidding, that is, manipulation. When the baby cries,
everyone comes running—not always a good idea for the runners . . . or the baby.
Sometimes, though, a youngest child may tire of being last in line and choose to
reject the baby role. Such a child becomes determined to find the quickest route to the
top, galloping past his siblings while waving his motto, "Make way for me!" He may
become the family's high achiever.
Only Children
If no other children come into the family and the firstborn remains the
unchallenged only child, growing up in an adult-centered environment will teach her to
march to her own drumbeat. Her banner, "Me, myself, and I," will flap overhead as she
marshals her own parade, an experience that can be both exhilarating and lonely. Only
children are the recipients of their parents' undivided love and attention, with no need
to share or be flexible. On the other hand, having no one with whom to share can be
very lonely—a feeling common to the only child's vantage point. They also may be
more comfortable than other children with "alone time" and identify with adults more
than with their peers.
Some Words of Caution Regarding Birth Order
Any child, in any birth order position, can be spoiled. You may even admit to
spoiling your child with a self-indulgent chuckle. But spoiling is not really funny. The
reason is inherent in the word itself. Jane Griffith articulates this for us: "When we say
an orange or piece of meat is spoiled, aren't we saying it is ruined? Do we want to ruin
a child? Spoiling ruins a child." A spoiled child is given a set of expectations that the
world will seldom be able to equal. Excessive pampering and overindulgence are
recipes for lifelong discouragement.
Whatever a person's birth order, remember that one's decisions about these
early experiences are made on a subconscious level. Each child will choose his life
attitudes based upon his unique vantage point. Each birth order will bring with it
certain strengths (advantages), as well as traits that will be less developed or need
strengthening (disadvantages). By taking a child's birth order into account, you can find
ways to broaden the way each child experiences his world.
Teema, the youngest in her family, had three older siblings. Francie, Teema's mother, got
a surprising glimpse into Teema's view of the world when she took her to feed the ducks at a
nearby lake, followed by a stop for hot chocolate and cookies.
At the time, Teema was just under three. Throughout the entire outing, Teema talked
about throwing bread to the ducks for her absent sister, Angie (age five); pointed to the ducks
she thought Sophie (age eight) would like best; or declared that brother Jonas (age ten) could
"swim like duckies!" She even insisted on wrapping a half-eaten cookie in a napkin to bring back
for Angie. Teema was so used to seeing herself as one among many that she did not have any
experience to guide her in being the only child sharing time with Mom. Francie simply had not
realized how seldom Teema got to do things without at least one of her siblings along. Francie
determined to give Teema more such experiences to expand her perspective of both the world
and her unique role in it.
Birth order does not determine who a child will be, but it may give valuable
insights about the decisions she is making—and why she does or does not behave in
certain ways. Birth order provides a first window to the world around us.
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ADOPTION: "SHOULD WE TELL OUR CHILD?"
One special type of family is that created when a child is adopted. Adoption is a
wonderful thing, providing many children with safe and loving homes that they might
not have had otherwise. Still, most adoptive parents will have questions: How much
should children be told about their birth parents? Will your adopted child truly feel like
a part of your family? When should you tell your child that he is adopted?
Adoption research does not give a clear answer to the question of when a child
should be told about his or her adoption. Some research says that too much
information before age six or seven only confuses a child. Other researchers believe
that the older a child is when told, the more upsetting the news may be. Much of
human behavior relates to our feelings of belonging. As children put together the
unique puzzle of who they are, questions about adoption ("Where did I come from?"
"Why did my parents give me away?") should be expected.
An adopted child who looks racially different from his adoptive parents will
begin to notice this difference by the age of four or so. Knowing that a child is
becoming aware of race may help parents decide when to tell him that he is adopted.
There are important cultural considerations as well. Children adopted from
different cultures often enjoy participating in special cultural classes during their
preschool years. For example, Tory, Sarah, and Anna were all born in Korea and
adopted into American families. Each summer the three girls attended a special Korean
cultural camp where they could learn about Korean clothing, food, art, and language.
Their parents wanted them to enjoy the richness of their birth culture. These girls knew
of their adoption from their earliest years and were proud to wear their Korean outfits
to preschool.
Another family would bring treats to their daughter's preschool to help her
celebrate her "adoption day," much as birthdays are enjoyed. Her parents explained the
idea of adoption to all of the children in her class. Her classmates benefited from
learning about the different ways families come into being.
Attitudes toward adoption vary widely. These families treated the issue of
adoption as another version of their definition of a "normal" family. This attitude
encourages children to feel safe, trusting, and comfortable with adoption. If your family
includes both adopted and natural children, be aware that eventually everyone will
have questions. Behaving as if there is anything disturbing, secretive, or mysterious
about adoption invites distrust, fear, and anxiety. If you treat all of your children with
respect and teach them to treat each other (and themselves) that way, then the
inevitable questions will not feel threatening.
All children need to feel that they truly belong; we encourage families with
adopted children to focus on giving children many opportunities to experience
belonging and to know that they have worth and significance.
Parents constantly hear the words "It's just a stage." There's a great deal of truth
in the concept; children are usually in one phase or another. It is also true that no two
children grow and develop exactly alike. Understanding your own child's development
will enable you to deal more effectively with his behavior, with his successes, and with
his occasional mistakes. You can help your child learn that the world is a place where he
can love, be loved, and learn about himself and the others he meets.
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4
THE MIRACULOUS BRAIN
Learning and Development
Robbie is five years old. His older sister goes to school with the other "big kids," and
Robbie can hardly wait until he's old enough to join them on the big yellow bus. He loves his
books, knows his letters and numbers, and can write his own name and that of his dog, Comet.
Robbie is eager for the next important part of his life. Robbie's mom, though, has mixed emotions.
She knows it will be hard to let her baby go. And while Robbie enjoys learning and displays an
avid curiosity about the world around him, he is also shy and sometimes has trouble getting
along with other children his age. He clings to his mom in public places. And sometimes he
draws the few letters he knows backward. Robbie's mom worries that he isn't really ready for
school.
"What should I do?" she asks her next-door neighbor, whose three children all attend the
nearby elementary school.
"Should I enroll him in a pre-kindergarten program to get him ready? Maybe I should
get some flash cards and teach him to read. Or maybe I should keep him back for a year. I don't
want Robbie to fail—but I don't want him to be disappointed or discouraged, either." Robbie's
mom shakes her head in confusion and concern.
THE HOW, WHEN, AND WHY OF LEARNING
The late preschool years are an unnerving time for many parents—and for their
children. As preschoolers approach the age of five or six, the prospect of school and
formal learning looms on the horizon. The world broadens beyond the home and
family to include friends and teachers, all of whom will take on greater significance in a
child's life as the years go by. It isn't always an easy transition for parents or for
children.
Most parents realize that ours has become a highly competitive world. Most
have read the newspaper stories detailing the decline in academic performance of
American children. And because parents love their children and want them to succeed,
they have many questions. What should we be teaching them, and when should we
start? How much should children know about reading, writing, and arithmetic before
they enter school? How well developed should their social skills be? And how do
children learn, anyway? What happens in their growing brains that enables them to
absorb and use knowledge and skills? Why are some children better at it than others?
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Over the past few years, our understanding of how the human brain grows and
develops has changed dramatically. We now understand that the early years of a child's
life are critically important in the formation of thinking and reasoning skills—and in the
actual "wiring" of the brain itself. The brain continues to grow and learn throughout
childhood and adolescence; in fact, the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is
responsible for emotional regulation, impulse control, and more "adult" forms of
reasoning, does not develop fully until at least the age of twenty-five. The way parents
and caregivers interact with children during their preschool years is crucial to brain
development and learning.
HOW THE BRAIN BEGINS
Not too many years ago, we believed that babies were born with brains that
were more or less developed; all that remained was to fill their waiting brains with the
necessary information. Nowadays, however, we know better. Sophisticated imaging
techniques have allowed researchers to peer inside a child's living brain, to observe its
structure and to discover how it uses energy, blood flow, and special substances called
neurotransmitters to think, to perceive, and to learn. What those researchers have
discovered is extraordinary.
The human brain begins life as a small cluster of cells in the fetus. By the fourth
week of pregnancy, these cells have begun to sort themselves out according to the
function they will one day perform and to "migrate" to the part of the brain they are
destined to occupy. Nature provides the fetus with more cells than it will need; some do
not survive the migration, but others join together in a network of connections called
synapses. The human brain is "under construction" for the first three years of life, and
what a child learns and decides about himself and the world around him becomes part
of the wiring of his brain.
Stimulation from the outside world, as experienced through a child's senses
(hearing, seeing, smelling, and touching), enables the brain to create or change
connections and primes it to learn. While the brain is amazingly flexible and is able to
adapt to change or injury, there are windows early in a child's life during which
important learning (like vision and language development) takes place. If those
windows are missed, it may become more difficult for a child to acquire those abilities.
By about the age of ten, a child's brain begins to prune away the synapses that haven't
been used enough. By adolescence, half have been discarded. So, for some functions,
brain development is a "use it or lose it" proposition. (For others, such as social skills
development, learning continues well into early adulthood.) What is used (and kept)
depends in large part on the adults who shape a child's world.
NATURE OR NURTURE?
Perhaps you are wondering where your child gets his or her particular, unique
combination of traits and qualities—and why, if you have more than one child, they can
be so amazingly different!
Researchers now believe that genes may have an even stronger influence on
temperament and personality than we previously thought; many researchers believe
that genes influence such qualities as optimism, depression, aggression, and whether or
not a person is a thrill-seeker—which may come as no surprise to parents whose
preschoolers thrive on gymnastics, hurl themselves at the ball in soccer, and climb trees
faster than their harried parents can say abracadabra! (We will discuss temperament
further in Chapter 6.) Parents may find themselves wondering just how much influence
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they have on their growing child. If genes are so powerful, does it really matter how
you parent your child?
The answer is that it matters a great deal. While a child inherits certain traits and
tendencies through her genes, the story of how those traits develop hasn't been written
yet. Your child may have arrived on the planet with her own unique temperament, but
how you and her other caregivers interact with her will shape the person she becomes.
(Brain researchers call these early decisions and reactions "adaptations"; they are part of
an intricate dance between a child's inborn qualities and the world she inhabits.) As
educational psychologist Jane M. Healy puts it in her book Endangered Minds: Why
Children Don't Think and What We Can Do About It (Touchstone, 1990), "Brains shape
behavior, and behavior shapes brains."
Parents and caregivers, fragile and imperfect as they may be, bear the
responsibility for shaping a child's environment, and therefore her development. The
human brain never stops growing and never loses the ability to form new synapses
and connections. Change may become more difficult as we age, but change—in
attitudes, behavior, and relationships—is always possible.
COLLEGE FOR KIDS?
Occasionally a newspaper will carry the story of a precocious child who finishes
grade school early and is ready for higher learning. Then there are children like Robbie,
whose parents worry that, for a variety of reasons, their child may not be ready to
learn when other children are.
Should parents begin teaching academics at an
early age? If brains are growing, shouldn't we be
putting in as much information as we can? The truth
is that children learn in different ways, many of which
are still not fully understood. Some researchers
believe that it may even be harmful to force children
to learn too quickly or to absorb concepts that their
brains are not yet mature enough to handle. If the
brain isn't ready to learn abstract concepts (math, for
instance), it may patch together a pathway of
connections that is less effective than the one that
would have been used later on—and the less effective
pathway becomes "wired" in place.
Forcing children to learn before they are ready
may also have psychological effects. Children are
always making decisions about themselves and the
world around them. When children have difficulty
mastering a concept forced upon them by loving (and
well-intentioned) parents, they may make the decision "I'm not good enough," when in
truth their brains just are not ready to absorb certain concepts. That can stick with
them, and they may feel too intimidated to ever learn the concept.
There are few absolutes: each human brain is unique and special, and it is
impossible to generalize about what is right or wrong for an individual child, but some
scholars, like Jane Healy, believe that ourfast-paced modern culture (and some of our
"educational" television shows) may be affecting children's ability to pay attention, to
listen, and to learn later on in life. Some early childhood educators report that
preschoolers these days seem to have more difficulty sitting still and paying attention to
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class lessons or stories. At the same time, many of these children appear to be
sophisticated beyond their years because they have acquired a large (and sometimes
disturbingly adult) vocabulary from television. Perhaps all learning isn't "good"; parents
need to pay close attention to what their young children are exposed to and make sure
that character and values are taught along with vocabulary and skills.
Young children learn best in the context of relationships, and what they most
need to learn in their preschool years isn't found on flash cards (or on television).
Children learn best through active involvement that engages their senses: sight, smell,
hearing, taste, and touch. They also need opportunities to connect what they already
know to new information as they construct their understanding of the world. Isn't it
interesting that play meets all of these requirements? Play is vital in the preschool
years. Remember, a child at play is actually working hard to develop a healthy brain.
HARDWIRED TO CONNECT: WHAT YOUR CHILD REALLY NEEDS
Preschoolers are undoubtedly such busy little people because they have so much
to learn. As we've mentioned, young children learn best in the context of relationships.
Brain development is all about connection, and your child's brain is wired to seek
connection from the moment of birth. How you and your child's other caregivers relate
to her—how you talk and play and nurture—is by far the most important factor in her
development. (You will learn more about emotional development in Chapter 7.)
According to Ross A. Thompson, a professor of psychology at the University of
California at Davis and a founding member of the National Scientific Council on the
Developing Child (www.developingchild.net), young children learn best when they are
unstressed and when they live in a reasonably stimulating environment. Thompson
believes that special stimulation, such as videos and other academic learning tools, is
unnecessary; in fact, what children really need to grow and develop is unhurried time
with caring adults, people who will focus on the child and follow his cues without
distraction or expectations. (Both parents and child care providers can provide this sort
of child-centered interaction.) It is important to note that this does not mean allowing
children to rule the home. (More about that in the chapters to come.)
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A WORD ABOUT ATTACHMENT
When you connect well with your child—when you recognize and respond to his
signals, offer love and belonging, and allow him to develop a sense of trust and
security—you help him develop what is called a secure attachment. Securely attached
Miraculous Mirror Neuron*
Have you ever wondered how your child learns to clap his hands, push the
vacuum cleaner, or "gimme five"? Researchers recently discovered the presence in the
human brain of mirror neurons, which perceive physical action, facial expression, and
emotion and prepare the brain to duplicate what it "sees." Mirror neurons help your
child figure out how to imitate you. In the same way, when you are angry, excited, or
anxious, his mirror neurons will "catch" your emotion and create that same feeling
within your child. Mirror neurons help explain why we weep, laugh, or get angry with
each other so easily. It also explains why what you do (the behavior you model) as a
parent is so much more powerful than your words in teaching your child.
children can connect well with themselves and with others and have the best
opportunity to develop healthy, balanced relationships. Interestingly enough,
researchers such as Mary Main have discovered that the best predictor of a child's sense
of attachment is his parent's level of attachment to his or her own family growing up.
(Erik Erikson also found that an infant's development of a sense of trust in the first year
of life is directly related to a mother's sense of trust in herself.) How you understand
and make sense of your own history and experiences has a direct effect on your
growing child. Understanding and resolving your own struggles, challenges, and
emotional issues may be one of the greatest gifts you ever give your child. (To learn
more about attachment, brain development, and parenting, see, Parenting from the
Inside Out: How a Deeper Self- Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who
Thrive, by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed., Tarcher/Putnam, 2003.)
ENCOURAGING HEALTHY GROWTH AND LEARNING
Remember Robbie? His mother wanted to know what she could do to help him
succeed in school. Actually, parents can begin setting the stage for learning from the
day a baby is born—not by using mobiles, flash cards, or "superbaby" programs but by
responding to their child in ways that foster healthy brain growth, build trust and
loving relationships, teach skills, and encourage a love of learning.
Demonstrate Affection, Interest,
and Acceptance
A child never outgrows the need to feel a
sense of belonging and significance. It is not
enough just to love your child; that love must be
demonstrated daily in healthy ways. Keep in mind
that rescuing, overprotecting, and overindulging
are not healthy ways to demonstrate love.
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Research has shown that children who receive warm, consistent, loving care
produce less of the stress hormone cortisol, and when they do become upset, they are
able to "turn off" their stress reaction more rapidly. On the other hand, children who
suffer abuse or neglect early in life are likely to feel more stress more often—and with
less provocation.
Hugs, smiles, and laughter are wonderful parenting tools and will mean more to
your child in the long run than the most marvelous toys and activities. Spending special
time with a child, showing curiosity about his activities and thoughts, and learning to
listen well will show your child on a daily basis that he is accepted and loved, and will
shape and strengthen the development of his brain.
Practice the Art of Conversation
Contrary to popular belief, children do not learn language from even the most
educational television shows; television is passive and requires no response from its
audience. Children develop language by having the opportunity to speak and be
spoken to by real humans. By age four, children who are exposed to healthy doses of
language will have a vocabulary of as many as six thousand words and can construct
sentences of five or six words. By age five their vocabulary may increase to around
eight thousand words, a leap of as many as five words a day, every single day for a
year. Awesome, isn't it?
How to Grow a Healthy Brain
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Demonstrate affection, interest, and acceptance.
Practice the art of conversation.
Peed, reed, read?
Encourage curiosity, safe exploration, and hands-on learning.
Limit television time.
Use discipline to teach, not to shame or humiliate.
Recognize and accept your child's uniqueness.
Provide learning experiences that use the senses.
Provide time for your child's learning through play.
Select child care carefully—and stay involved.
Take care of yourself.
Conversation with any preschooler is truly an art, requiring both humor and
patience. Most young children pass through the phase when every other utterance is
"Why?" or "How come?" We heard from one weary mom who, bombarded by
questions from her curious four-year-old son, told him she was tired of answering
questions for one day and suggested that he keep quiet for a while. The boy looked at
his mom with puzzlement and informed her, "But Mom, that's how little boys learn!"
And he is absolutely right.
Adults sometimes speak to young children in ways that do not allow for much
response. Much adult "conversation" is merely directive: "Put on your jammies," "Eat
your potatoes," and "Do it right now, young man!" don't invite conversation. Questions
like "How was preschool today?" or "Did you win your tee-ball game?" can be
answered with a single syllable or even with a grunt. One effective way to invite
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conversation with a preschooler (and to develop language skills in the process) is to ask
curiosity questions (which often begin with the words what or how). "What did you like
about school today?" or "How do you think you might solve that problem?" invite a
more thoughtful response and give a child the opportunity to practice vital reasoning
and language skills. Of course, they also call for focused and attentive listening from
parents, something that demands a surprising amount of energy and patience. Just
remember, relationship and connection support brain development.
Read, Read, Read!
There is no substitute for reading when it comes to preparing for formal
learning, and it's never too soon (or too late) to start. Books open new worlds to
children. And because the setting and characters must be created inside a child's mind,
books also stimulate thinking and learning.
Be sure to select books that are age-appropriate and that appeal to your child's
special interests—your local librarian or bookseller can recommend age-appropriate
books and series-. Studies have shown that boys sometimes are not inclined to read
because the books they are offered do not interest them. If you have a preschool boy,
check out www.guysread.com for titles and suggestions about developing a love of
reading in your young son.
When you read, make the story come alive—change your voice to play different
characters, and stop to talk about the story or the pictures. Adults usually tire of
favorite books and stories long before children do, but be patient: preschoolers learn by
repetition. They often memorize favorite books and want to "read" to you themselves,
turning the pages at all the right spots. Children who grow up with books often
develop a love of reading and learning that lasts a lifetime and sets the stage for success
in school. Many families find that reading time is also time for snuggling and
connection; it remains a favorite shared activity well into the elementary school years,
long after children learn to read well themselves.
Incidentally, storytelling also is a wonderful way to stimulate learning. Sharing
stories from your family's history or experiences you had when you were your child's
age builds closeness and trust as well as encouraging listening and learning skills.
Retelling a shared memory can also help a child to expand his memory of an event.
Encourage Curiosity, Safe Exploration, and Hands-On Learning Parents and
caregivers can provide lots of safe opportunities to run, climb, jump, and explore.
Honor your child's, interests: young children rarely appreciate (or learn from) being
forced into activities they do not like or that actually frighten them. It is not necessary
to sign up children for organized activities; they can learn to paint, play baseball, sing,
or plant a garden by working alongside welcoming adults.
Preschoolers usually want to do rather than just watch, so be prepared for a few
messes along the way. Remember, too, that some children demonstrate curiosity and
talents at this age that are very real and that will be important for the rest of their lives.
Not all preschool interests reveal lifelong talents. Still, providing reasonable
opportunities for children to experiment with a variety of activities will give them ways
to build a sense of self-esteem and self-confidence and to develop into healthy, active
people.
Limit Television Time
Walk into many living rooms today and you will notice that one item has the
place of honor. Centrally located in the entertainment center, supported by satellite or
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cable and sophisticated remote controls, the television has become the center of family
life in many, many homes. "Family time" is often illuminated by the flickering blue light
of the screen—and the bigger the screen, the better!
Unfortunately, there is much we do not fully understand about the way
television affects growing brains, and what we do know is not encouraging. Most
young children spend a phenomenal amount of time in front of the TV, watching
favorite shows and videos—or whatever the adults are watching. How does this affect
their brains, their capacity to learn, and their ability to pay attention?
Researchers and educational psychologists like Jane Healy believe that excessive
television may actually be changing the way the brain functions. Watching TV and
videos is essentially a passive activity; there is little or no critical thinking going on in
the mind of a young child propped in front of the tube. Even so-called educational
shows such as Sesame Street may not be helpful; the
flashy, frantic format does not encourage sustained
attention, and some studies indicate that children
begin school expecting entertainment and special
effects like those they've seen on TV and are bored by
classroom teaching. Many teachers report that
attention spans, comprehension, and written language
skills have declined significantly over the past decade
or so. We will explore the influence of the culture,
computers, and other electronic media in greater
depth in Chapter 17. For now, be aware that
it is best to limit the time your child spends sitting in
front of a screen.
Use Discipline to Teach, Not to Shame or Humiliate
Remember, the synapses your child will keep are the ones that are used most
often, and shame, punishment, and humiliation can shape the way a young child's brain
is wired. This is just one of the many reasons we keep emphasizing that the best sort of
discipline is teaching. Children respond well to loving, effective discipline and will be
healthier for having it. Isn't it good to know that your Positive Discipline skills are also
encouraging healthy brain development?
Recognize and Accept Your Child's Uniqueness
Young children learn about themselves and the world around them by watching
and listening; what they decide about themselves (and about you) depends in large part
on the messages they receive from parents and caregivers. Learning to accept your
child for exactly who she is not only builds her sense of self-worth, but also supports
healthy brain development and encourages her to value her own special qualities and
abilities and to have the courage to try new things—the best insurance policy there is
against the challenges and pressures she will face as she grows into adolescence and
adulthood.
Provide Learning Experiences That Use the, Senses
Young children experience the world through their senses, and those experiences
help shape their developing brains. Offer your child lots of opportunities to see, hear,
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smell, touch, and taste his world—with your careful supervision, of course. Your child's
senses will enrich his experience and increase his ability to learn.
Provide Time for Your Child's Learning Through Play
For a preschooler, play is more than mere amusement. Play is the laboratory in
which a child experiences his world, experiments with new roles and ideas, and learns
to feel comfortable in the world of movement and sensation. It is often more
convenient for parents to schedule a child's playtime, but children need unstructured
time in which to exercise their imaginations and their bodies. Provide the raw materials,
then turn your child loose to play and learn.
Select Child Care Carefully—and Stay Involved
Child care is critically important. Many, many children spend all or part of each
day in the care of someone other than their parents. It is crucial that child care providers
and teachers also know how young brains grow and that they do their best to foster
health and learning. Leaving your child in another's care may be difficult, but it helps to
recognize that high-quality care can support a child's development. It also underscores
how important it is to be sure that the care your child receives when he is away from
you truly is quality care. (Chapter 15 will explain what constitutes quality care and how
to find it.)
Take Care of Yourself
You may wonder what taking care of yourself has to do with your child's brain.
But think for just a moment: nurturing and guiding an energetic, curious preschooler is
hard work—and a full-time job. Parents and caregivers need every ounce of energy
and wisdom they possess, and all too often the well runs dry just when the crisis occurs.
You will do your best work as a parent when you are rested and reasonably
content. Yes, weariness and stress seem to be an everyday part of life with young
children, particularly if you also have a partner or job to deal with. Still, caring for your
own needs must be a priority. Exercise, eat healthy foods, and do your best to get
enough sleep. Take time on a regular basis (no, once a year isn't enough) to do things
you enjoy. Spend time with your partner, have a cup of coffee with a friend, sing in a
choir, take a class, read a book—anything you do to refill the well will benefit your
children. They will learn respect for you (and for themselves) when they see you
treating yourself with respect. And they will find a calm, rested, happy adult much
easier to respond to than an exhausted, grumpy, resentful one. Keeping yourself
healthy isn't selfish; it's wisdom.
OFF TO SCHOOL: "IS MY CHILD REALLY READY?"
Kate had sworn she wouldn't cry. She was going to celebrate with Nicole on the first day
of kindergarten, and then go get the shopping done without any interruptions. Somehow,
though, the morning didn't work out the way she'd planned.
Oh, Nicole was fine. A bit nervous, maybe, but excited and happy. She had dressed
herself with care in her new outfit, combed her hair neatly, and packed a few articles into the
brand- new backpack that marked her new status as a "big kid." Kate and Nicole had visited the
classroom the week before school began, explored the playground, and met the teacher, an energetic, friendly young woman who remembered everyone's name.
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Everything was fine—until Kate watched Nicole, looking suddenly very small, filing into
the classroom with the other children. As she turned to walk back to her car, she discovered that
some sort of fog seemed to have descended on the neighborhood—she couldn't see a thing. She
realized with a shock that she was crying. A dad walking nearby grinned at her. "Gets to you,
doesn't it?" he said.
"It certainly does," Kate replied, shaking her head. "It certainly does."
A child's first day of "real" school is a landmark event. The world will never again
consist just of a small circle of family and friends; it has suddenly expanded to include
other adults and children who may spend more time each day with your youngster
than you do. Many parents wonder how they will know if their children are ready—
intellectually and emotionally—for the wider world of school.
It is important to recognize that all children (and all schools) are different. By the
time a child is ready for school, parents have had years to get into that child's world and
understand the way he thinks, feels, and sees the world. Most school systems group
children by chronological age, but age is not a true indicator of a child's development.
Many children are eager for school to begin and enter the world of academic learning
with hardly a backward glance. Others hover at the fringes or seem to struggle with
even the simplest tasks. Assessing learning disabilities or psychological problems is
beyond the scope of this book, but there are things parents can consider that will help
them feel comfortable sending their children to school. (More on this in Chapter 18.)
KNOW YOUR CHILD
No one knows a child as well as an attentive, loving parent, especially one who
has made the effort to understand development and acquire effective parenting skills.
Most school districts offer readiness interviews to help parents and teachers decide if a
child is ready to begin kindergarten or would benefit from waiting a year.
Remember Robbie? His mother eventually decided it was best for him to wait a
year, until his emotional development caught up with his intellectual development.
School success involves more than just academic skills; children also must be able to
tolerate time away from parents, respond to a teacher, and make friends with other
children. There is no disgrace in waiting to begin school; in fact, children do better with
academic learning when they are emotionally and socially ready to be away from
home. It is less upsetting for everyone to delay the start of school rather than to be held
back later on. Considering a few simple questions may help you assess your child's
readiness.
•
•
•
•
•
Does your child enjoy learning? Is he curious about the world around
him?
Does your child tolerate separation from you reasonably well?
Is she eager to make friends and open to peer relationships?
Is he able to pay attention to a task for an age-appropriate length of time?
Does she express interest in school or does she seem very fearful?
Taking time to visit the school and meet the teacher usually resolves most of a
child's anxieties. It is also helpful to talk about feelings (more about feelings and active
listening skills in Chapter 7) and to share with your child that most people are nervous
when they do something new The more tuned in you are, both to your child and to the
teacher, the happier the school experience will be. You and your child may feel more
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comfortable if you have time to volunteer in the classroom and attend school events
and parent-teacher conferences. School will be part of your lives for years to come;
getting off to a good start is worth the effort it takes.
LEARNING TAKES A LIFETIME
It has been said that "learners inherit the earth" and "the truly educated never
graduate." There is always something new and wonderful to learn, for you and for
your child. The outside world isn't always kind or welcoming; as your child moves
away from your side she will experience hurts and difficulties and you will not always
be there to smooth the way. There are many important lessons that you will teach your
child in her preschool years, however. You can teach her that you are always on her
side, that you will always listen, and that you believe in her ability to learn, to grow,
and to thrive. Regardless of the new people and experiences she encounters as she
grows up, your child can trust that you will always have faith in her and will always
welcome her home.
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5
"I CAN DO IT!"
The Joys (and Challenges) of Initiative
Raising three-year-olds would be an easy task if they didn't have so many ideas
of their own—and so much energy with which to implement them! Take this little
fellow, for example:
Q. My son doesn't walk anywhere—he gallops. He chases the birds at the beach,
leaps into the wading pool for his swim lesson, and this morning I found him trying to
saddle the dog with a blanket because he wanted to ride him. I had to explain that dogs
are not strong enough to carry people on their backs. He gave up the riding plan, but I
know he will come up with something else any moment. He seems so fearless, and I
worry that he will get hurt. I'm worn out trying to keep track of him. Should I allow
him to do these things?
A. You sound exhausted by the effort of supervising and guiding your active
young child! Never fear; most parents have had moments when they wondered why
three-year-olds have so much more energy and creativity than their parents. Think for
just a moment, though: your son is demonstrating a number of wonderful qualities. He
is courageous and not afraid to try new things. He is able to connect ideas and actions,
and he hurtles through life with excitement and curiosity. The same traits that exhaust
you today may be just the traits that will make him a successful, capable adult later on.
Erik Erikson, a pioneer in understanding human development, tells us that from
about the ages of two to six, children experience a crucial stage in their development
that he called "initiative versus guilt" (Erik H. Erikson, Childhood and Society, Norton,
1963). Children need this initiative—those who are not able to nurture and develop the
sense of initiative that the youngster described above is so ably demonstrating can turn
into adults who struggle with life's challenges, who have a lingering sense of guilt, and
who may believe that nothing they do is good enough.
When we say that a child needs a healthy sense of initiative, we do not mean that
he should be allowed to carry out every idea that pops into his head. We do mean that
he needs secure boundaries and limits within which he can explore, experiment, and
learn to develop his belief in his own competence and capability. Creating a balance
between safety (and appropriate behavior) and creativity and courage is the essence of
parenting three- to six-year-olds. Parents can create this balance and avoid instilling a
sense of guilt by enforcing boundaries with kindness and firmness rather than
humiliation or punishment. It is kind and firm to say, "Climbing on the bookcase is
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dangerous. Where is it safe for you to climb?" It is humiliating to say, "I can't believe
you would be so careless. Don't you know you could hurt yourself?"
These are the years when parents are apt to hear a great deal of the phrase "I can
do it!" Your children are trying to let you know that they are more capable than you
think they are. Children in the early preschool years want to try everything: they want
to push the vacuum, wash the dishes, and dig holes in the garden. All too often, parents
stifle their would-be helpers by telling them, "No, you're too little. Wait until you're
bigger. It is easier and faster for me to do it." It usually is easier (and less messy) for
adults to do these tasks, but denying a child the opportunity to learn and practice new
skills may plant the seeds of guilt instead of initiative. And years later, those same
adults may find themselves wondering why their child "just won't do anything!" The
drive to develop initiative versus guilt and shame continues throughout the preschool
years. Again, we are talking about a sense of initiative— not actual ability. Parents,
preschool teachers, and caregivers who understand this important developmental stage
can create an environment that enhances initiative instead of guilt, discouragement, or
manipulation.
INITIATIVE IN ACTION
Michael's mom took him to a nearby park for an outing. Michael, who had just turned
three, was eager to play on the jungle gym. He scrambled up the lower rungs easily enough, but
then he looked down—and his stomach did a flip-flop. Michael whimpered for Mom to rescue him
and lift him down, but Mom just smiled and placed an encouraging hand on Michael's back. She
spoke reassuringly to her frightened son, helping him find his way back down. When he was on
the ground his mother gave him a big hug and congratulated him on getting down "by himself."
Michael beamed a proud smile. Mom and Michael returned to the same park regularly, and by
the end of the second week Michael was scampering up and down the jungle gym with ease.
Margaret's mother faced the same dilemma but responded much differently. When
Margaret, also three, cried out from the top of the same playground equipment, her mother ran
up and gathered Margaret into her arms. She cuddled her and told her firmly how dangerous it
could be to climb up so high. Margaret cried a little, then went over to play in the sandbox. Even
though they visited the park often, two months later Margaret still avoided the jungle gym,
clinging to her mother's leg whenever anyone invited her to climb it.
Preschoolers see the world as an exciting and fascinating place, especially as they
develop more initiative and a greater physical and intellectual capacity to explore. When
adults get in the way of this, children may feel frustrated and withdraw, adopting a
sense of guilt about their inabilities, while others give up and allow their anxious
parents to overly protect them, keeping them from experiencing the frustration or
bruises they need in order to grow. In either case, their developing sense of initiative
and capability may be thwarted. Margaret's mother wanted to protect her daughter
from injury but ended up convincing her to avoid climbing at all. Later in life, Margaret
may still find it difficult to take risks—even those that could benefit and enrich her life.
Adults can choose to encourage children as they face challenges, just as Michael's
mom did. Michael's mom showed faith in his ability to master a new skill, and his
experience told him "I am capable" in a way his mother's words never could. When
Michael and Margaret face challenges and new responsibilities as they grow, how will
they respond? What will they believe about their own abilities?
The need to develop initiative is inborn, whether parents and caregivers find it
convenient or not. Even when they are frustrated, some children (the spunky,
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determined ones) keep fighting to develop initiative. Adults usually call this behavior
"defiance" and work to control, coddle, or overprotect the child. Yes, children must be
kept safe and must be taught to behave appropriately—but this task is easier to
accomplish when adults are also providing opportunities for preschoolers to experience
initiative.
INITIATIVE—OR MANIPULATION?
A child who is discouraged from developing initiative sometimes responds by
developing manipulation skills instead. This is the child who withdraws into
helplessness and insists that you do everything for her. Instead of developing the
attitude "I can do it," she seeks belonging and significance through an attitude of "I
can't." She "can't" walk to the car, she "can't" put on her socks, and she "can't" pick up
her toys. Whenever your child misbehaves, you might ask yourself, "Could this
behavior be founded in discouragement and mistaken ideas about how to belong?"
Consider the dilemmas these two parents face:
Q. My three-year-old daughter screams and cries when I say no. She never eats
what we give her: she asks for bread with peanut butter and licks off the peanut butter,
refusing to eat the bread. Then she will insist on putting more peanut butter on the
bread. If I don't do as she says, she will start whining or crying. She's at child care
during the day and is very well behaved there.
Q. I believe that "no" means no, but my daughter doesn't realize that yet. I used
to put her in a corner where she couldn't see us until she stopped crying, but it only
worked for a while. Now my husband puts her in our small bathroom with the light
off. I believe that this will make her claustrophobic. She does sleep in her own bed, but
she wets almost every night. Bedtime is a hassle, as she won't stay in bed. I have to pat
her on the back until she falls asleep. I hate the constant battle with my child, but she
won't do what I say.
A. Situations like these are heartbreakingly common. So many of these battles
could be eliminated if adults understood developmental and age-appropriateness, the
mistaken goals of misbehavior (see Chapters 8, 9, and 10), and nonpunitive methods of
discipline that set limits while inviting cooperation.
There is a way to avoid manipulations like these. The mother in the first example
could choose appropriate moments to give in (such as letting her daughter spread the
peanut butter on the bread and teaching her to clean up afterward). Involving this child
in meal preparation will increase her drive for initiative, will help her feel more capable
by teaching her a life skill, and will motivate her to eat what she helps prepare.
As you learned in Chapter 2, there is never any need for a punitive time-out; it is
not helpful to put a child in a corner or in a room without a light. These punitive timeout experiences create doubt, shame, and guilt. Instead, the mother and father can say
no and then allow their child to have her feelings. When she cries, they can empathize:
"I know this is disappointing and that you are upset." If the parents can't stand the
crying, they can leave, saying, "It is okay to feel sad as long as you want to. Come find
me when you are done."
Preschoolers need to know that you mean what you say and will follow through
with kind and firm action (instead of lectures). Children "listen" to kind, firm, and
consistent action more than they listen to words.
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HOW TO ENCOURAGE INITIATIVE AND DISCOURAGE
MANIPULATION
Encouraging the development of initiative is a tricky task precisely because
parents and caregivers find it so challenging and inconvenient. Still, adults at home and
school can help develop preschoolers' confidence and initiative by providing a range of
opportunities, time for training, and encouragement for the many things children can
do. When supported in this way, children learn to trust themselves and to feel capable.
Does this sound time-consuming? Actually, providing opportunities for children
to develop their sense of initiative is less time-consuming than dealing with the
misbehavior of discouraged children. Who said parenting was easy and shouldn't take
much time? Too many parents want confident, respectful, resourceful, responsible
children but don't want to invest time in methods that teach these characteristics. There
are many ways to help children develop initiative rather than manipulation and
misbehavior. One of the best ways to help children develop initiative is through family
meetings or preschool class meetings, as discussed in Chapter 16. Other ways include
playing Let's Pretend, stating clear expectations, offering limited choices, and following
through, along with other Positive Discipline methods discussed in this book. These
methods can be used to help children learn to behave appropriately at home and out in
public, while encouraging their developing sense of initiative.
Play Let's Pretend
Children love to play, so Let's Pretend (what adults sometimes call role playing)
can be a fun way to teach them skills and help them understand the difference between
effective (respectful) and ineffective (disrespectful) behavior. Preschoolers are not too
young to understand Let's Pretend when you make it simple.
One way to set up Let's Pretend is to say to your child something like this: "You
be the daddy, and I'll be the little boy. We are at the pancake house. How should I
behave? Should I cry and run around and throw my food like this?" Then demonstrate
crying and running around. "Or should I sit quietly in the seat and eat, or perhaps color
quietly while I wait?" Then demonstrate by pretending you are sitting in the restaurant
and have your child supervise your behavior. Reverse roles and let the child portray
being both disrespectful and respectful. Be sure to engage your child in a conversation
so he can learn the benefits of respectful behavior.
State Clear Expectations
One of the oldest bits of parenting advice is still one of the best: say what you
mean, and mean what you say. How should you establish clear, appropriate
expectations for young preschoolers? Let's listen in as Cody's father gives it a try:
Even though he is only four, Cody loves baseball. He's been collecting baseball cards
since he was tiny, loves to play Wiffleball in the backyard with his dad, and knows the entire
starting lineup of the San Francisco Giants. Tim, Cody's father, is planning to take his small son
to his first real baseball game. Previous experience has taught him that in order to enjoy the day
with his curious, active preschooler, some preparation and groundwork will be necessary.
First, Tim decides to take Cody to the local park for a Little League game. As they sit in
the bleachers together, Tim asks Cody how he thinks they should act at the "big stadium." Cody
considers this question thoughtfully, furrowing his small brow in concentration.
"We should sit still?" he offers tentatively, knowing this is a tough rule for him to follow.
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"Well," his dad says with a smile, "we can stand up sometimes. And we can walk
together to get a cold drink or a hot dog."
"We can do seventh-inning stretch!" Cody shouts excitedly, and begins to sing "Take
Me Out to the Ball Game."
Together, father and son explore the guidelines for the big day. Tim makes it clear that
lots of people will be at the game, so Cody will have to hold his hand when they walk anywhere.
Tim and Cody agree that Cody can have a hot dog, a cold drink, a snack, and one souvenir of his
choice—as long as it costs ten dollars or less. And they agree that if Cody runs away or climbs
on the seats, they will have to return to the car.
Tim knows his son well; when Cody's curiosity gets the better of him, a firm hand on his
shoulder (without scolding or a lecture) draws him back to Dad's side. And when Cody decides
he wants to climb down a row (and over three people) to see better, Tim only has to ask him what
their agreement was for Cody to plop quickly back into his seat.
Because Cody is four, his dad knows that the day will not be perfect. He also
knows that Cody may not be able to follow the guidelines for nine full innings. He
knows they may even have to go sit in the car for a while until Cody is ready to try
again. But by setting clear expectations (in advance) and following through on these
simple limits, Cody's first baseball game will be an occasion father and son will enjoy
remembering for years to come.
Offer Limited Choices and Follow Through
Parents sometimes believe that giving children what they want and not
burdening them with rules will show them that they are loved. We want to stress that
permissiveness is not the way to help children develop initiative—or any other valuable
social or life skill. One alternative to permissiveness is offering limited choices with kind
and firm follow-through. Limited choices are effective when they are related, respectful,
and reasonable.
Elena's family went to the zoo with another family from their neighborhood.
Elena asked for cotton candy, snow cones, and everything she saw other children
enjoying. Her father told Elena she could have either a snow cone or popcorn. Elena
chose popcorn. Her father purchased the popcorn and then told Elena that if she
continued to ask for other treats she would need to return to the car with him, where
they would wait until the others finished viewing the exhibits.
Partway through eating the popcorn, Elena saw a child with a snow cone and
began to ask for one. Elena was determined: she emphasized her demand by flinging
the remaining popcorn down, spilling it all over the walkway. Her father calmly asked
Elena if she wanted to hold his hand on the way to the car or be carried. (He decided to
ignore the spilled popcorn, since the pigeons were already taking care of that problem.)
When she refused to move, her father picked her up and left for the car. He did not
scold, spank, or remind her why they were leaving. He treated her respectfully, and
when she began to wail that she wanted to see the monkeys, he assured her that he
was confident that next time they came to the zoo, Elena would make better choices—
and would be able to visit the monkeys.
Giving a child a chance to try again is reasonable and encouraging. It is not
reasonable to say, "I'm never taking you there again—or anywhere else, for that
matter!" Most parents do not follow through on such threats—which only teaches
children that they can safely disregard both the rules and their parents.
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Yes, it would be inconvenient for you to miss your family outing while using
kind and firm follow-through. You also have a choice. Which is more important, a
family outing or the self-esteem, initiative, and confidence your child will develop by
learning appropriate social skills? When you follow through with kindness and
firmness, you won't have to miss many outings before your child learns that you say
what you mean and will follow through. Of course, follow-through requires that adults
think before they speak. If you can't do it, don't say it!
POSITIVE DISCIPLINE IN ACTION
Myrna and Lamar decided they would teach their son, Mark, to dress himself
when he was three years old (excellent training for budding initiative). They purchased
clothes that were easy for a small child to manage, such as pants with elastic waistbands, wide-neck T-shirts, and sneakers with Velcro fasteners. Mark was a willing
student and soon mastered the art of dressing himself (even though he put his shoes on
the wrong feet about half of the time).
Mark attended preschool, and his morning routine included getting himself
dressed in the morning, helping with breakfast, and being ready to leave by 7:30, when
his dad would drive him to school on the way to work. Mark and his dad had created a
special morning routine chart with a picture of him doing each task—which Mark
followed enthusiastically for several days. Myrna and Lamar knew that Mark might use
his initiative to "test" the routine. In preparation, they worked out a plan with Mark in
advance that included a limited choice and follow-through. Together they decided that
anytime Mark was not dressed in time to go, they would put Mark's clothes in a paper
bag so he could finish dressing at school. They weren't sure how much Mark really
understood about their discussion of choices and follow-through, but they had faith
that he would learn if they ever had to carry out their plan.
Sure enough, after several weeks of smooth mornings, the day arrived when
Myrna noticed Mark wasn't following his routine. When it was time for Lamar to leave
for work, Mark was still in his pajamas. Myrna had prepared the sack of clothes, so
Lamar kindly and firmly picked Mark up under one arm, took the sack of clothes in his
other hand, and walked to the car through pouring rain—just as a neighbor was out
picking up his newspaper.
Lamar sighed and reminded himself, "Well, taking time for training with Mark is
more important than what the neighbors think."
Mark cried and complained that he was cold while they were driving to school.
Lamar pointed to Mark's coat lying beside his car seat and suggested he would be
warmer if he put it on. Lamar also reminded Mark that he could get dressed as soon as
they got to school. Mark continued to complain. When they arrived at the school, Joyce,
the preschool director (who understood these moments well), smiled as the pair
approached.
"Oh, hi, Mark!" she said warmly. "I see you didn't get dressed this morning.
That's okay. You can take your bag of clothes into my office and come out as soon as
you are dressed." Mark got himself dressed.
A month later, Mark decided further research was in order and tested the
routine again. Lamar responded matter-of-factly, carrying the clothes bag to the car.
When they arrived, Mark's teacher invited him to get dressed, reminding him that he
would need to be dressed for outside playtime. He refused and began to play with the
blocks, nattily attired in Mickey Mouse pajamas. Mark played happily until it was time
to head outside. Mark's teacher assured him that as soon as he was fully dressed he
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could join his classmates in the play yard. After a moment of reflection, Mark decided
that proving his point was not worth missing recess, and he scrambled into his clothes.
Mark's parents and teacher did not nag, lecture, or remind Mark about getting
dressed. They simply did what they said they would do—carry his clothes to the car for
him, limit his ability to play outdoors until properly dressed, and allow him to dress
himself at school. (It's important to note that this plan would not be appropriate for an
older child who might feel humiliated by arriving at school in pajamas. Adult actions
that cause shame or embarrassment are unlikely to encourage respect or cooperation.)
Lamar could have made this experience humiliating to Mark by piggybacking,
which means adding blaming or shaming lectures to his kind and firm actions. Lamar
did not say, "It serves you right! Maybe next time you'll hurry up. The other kids will
laugh at you for not getting dressed." Instead, Myrna, Lamar, and Joyce treated Mark
kindly and firmly, which helped him learn the benefits of using his skills to help himself
and cooperate with others.
"OOPS, I MADE A MISTAKE!"
By now you might be thinking that you have to be a perfect parent and raise a
perfect child. There are no such things. Isn't that wonderful? It doesn't matter how
much we learn or how much we know; we never stop making mistakes. All human
beings sometimes forget what they know and get hooked into emotional reactions—or
they just plain goof up. Once you understand this, you can see mistakes as the
important life processes they are: interesting opportunities to learn. Instead of feeling
discouraged when you make a mistake, you can say, "Terrific! I've just been given
another opportunity to learn!"
Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could also instill this attitude in your children so
they wouldn't be burdened with all the baggage you carry about mistakes? How many
adults developed a greater sense of guilt than of initiative because they were shamed
and punished when they made honest mistakes? Mistakes aren't the same as failures,
although people often behave as though they are. And even so-called failures can
provide opportunities to learn and grow. The process of nurturing initiative is less
painful when adults can make a slight attitude adjustment. Of course, preschoolers will
not do things perfectly. But which is more important: perfection or helping your
children develop healthy self-esteem and strong life skills?
ASKING CURIOSITY QUESTIONS
Children do not develop a strong sense of initiative when parents and teachers
spend too much time lecturing: telling children what happened, what caused it to
happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it. Telling may
keep children from seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn. Telling instills guilt or
rebellion because it sends the message that children aren't living up to adult
expectations. Perhaps most important, telling children what, how, and why teaches
them what to think, not how to think.
Children will develop thinking skills, judgment skills, problem- solving abilities,
and initiative when adults ask them curiosity questions: "What happened? What were
you trying to do? Why do you think this happened? How do you feel about it? How
could you fix it? What else could you do if you don't want this to happen again?"
When Mark, who wouldn't get dressed in the morning, complained about being
cold in the car, his dad might have used it as an opportunity for asking questions: "Why
57
do you think you are cold? What might you do to feel warmer?" These questions
would have helped
Mark make the connections between clothing and warmth. He might also have
discovered why pajamas aren't a good choice when it is cold outside. Perhaps Mark
does not truly understand this connection and would have answered, "Because I didn't
eat all my toast." This would have given his dad an opportunity to help Mark learn the
effect clothes have on whether we feel warm or not. Believe it or not, children do not
always understand the reasoning that seems so obvious to adults. That is why it is so
important to understand child development and age appropriateness—and
encouragement.
IT'S ALL ABOUT ENCOURAGEMENT
Rudolf Dreikurs said over and over, "A child needs encouragement as much as a
flower needs water." So what is encouragement?
The word encouragement comes from a French root that means "to give heart
to." Encouragement helps children develop courage: the courage to learn and grow, the
courage to learn from mistakes without blame and shame, the courage to develop
social and life skills. How do they do this? They develop courage when their parents
and other adults in their lives create a safe place where they can practice their
developing autonomy and initiative and make mistakes without experiencing doubt,
shame, or guilt.
Remember that remorse is not the same as guilt. Children will feel remorse
when they make a mistake and when they hurt others. (Remorse is appropriate
sometimes, and is the beginning of valuable qualities such as compassion. Remember,
though, that you cannot force a child to feel genuine remorse.) Adults offer
encouragement when, through curiosity questions, they help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of imposing consequences on them. Curiosity
questions also help children understand what they feel, why they feel that way, and
how they can make amends. In this way, children will feel encouraged to learn from
their mistakes.
As Dreikurs said, "A misbehaving child is a discouraged child." This is why adults
need to understand the long-term effects of what they do. We believe that parents and
teachers mean to encourage. They just don't realize that they are often more
discouraging than encouraging.
VAGUE PRAISE IS NOT ENCOURAGING
Vague "attaboys" aren't the best way to encourage young children— keep your
encouragement specific. For instance, if a three-year-old at the child care center brings
you his latest drawing and you tell him, "Oh, it's the most gorgeous picture I've ever
seen—I'm going to frame it and hang it on the wall," you may not be helping him as
much as you think. You may have taught him that the most important thing he can do
is to please people, which can be a dangerous creed to live by. Telling that same child, "I
see you really like red and yellow. Can you tell me about these shapes?" opens the door
for talking and learning together.
Another way to determine if something. is true encouragement is that it can be
said only to that person at that time, whereas praise is more general. You could say
"That's a great project" to most anyone, anytime. You could only say, "You built a very
tall block tower. Look how high you had to reach to place those top blocks on it— it's
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taller than you are!" to a particular child in a specific situation. This child will feel you
noticed what she did and that you were speaking uniquely to her.
The chart will make these distinctions clearer.
HELPING CHILDREN REACH THEIR FULL POTENTIAL
Joyce, the director of the preschool Mark attends, believes in the importance of
using encouragement and the other concepts in this chapter to give children
opportunities to develop initiative. Her staff looks for every opportunity to let children
experience how capable they are by taking time for training and then letting the
children do many things that are usually done for them by adults.
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For example, when Joyce goes shopping for groceries, she lets the children take
turns going with her to help her put items in the grocery cart. When she returns to the
child care center, she backs the van into the play yard and calls the children to help take
the groceries to the kitchen one item at a time. The cook helps the children remember
where to put the items.
During lunchtime, the children dish up their own food. One little fellow named
Matt would consistently take too much food. After about a week, his teacher helped
him explore what was happening by asking, "What happens when you take too much
food?"
Matt responded, "I can't eat it all and I have to throw some away."
The teacher continued: "What would happen if you took smaller helpings of
food?"
Matt looked like he had made a great discovery as he said, "I could eat it all."
The teacher said, "I'm sure you could." Then she asked, "If you took less food, ate
it all, and were still hungry, what could you do then?"
Matt beamed as he said, "I could take some more?" The teacher asked, "When
will you start doing that?"
Matt looked like he could hardly wait as he crowed,
"Tomorrow!"
After lunch, each child scrapes his own food into a plastic dishpan, rinses his own
plate in another dishpan, and then puts the dish in the dishwasher. This routine is
definitely more time- consuming than having an adult clean up after lunch. But Joyce
and her staff of teachers are more interested in helping children develop their full
potential than in getting chores done quickly. They also love the children, enjoy them,
and feel privileged to be part of their growth and development.
There it is again: love and joy. The more you know about what is
developmentally appropriate, how to enhance the environment in which children
grow, learn the skills that will encourage them to reach their full potential, and forgive
yourself when you make mistakes, the more you can relax and just enjoy watching
your children grow, knowing that they're learning to trust their own abilities, to believe
in the support of the adults in their lives, and to experience the wonder of life all around
them.
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6
ACCEPTING THE CHILD YOU HAVE
Understanding Temperament
Most parents know it's not wise to compare children. Still, most parents
occasionally compare their children to those around them, privately if not publicly: the
other girls and boys at the preschool, the neighbors' kids, nieces and nephews. And
comparisons usually lead to judgments: Bobby is "such a good boy"; Miranda is "a little
monster."
You have already learned that preschoolers are passing through some
interesting developmental stages; you know that experimenting with autonomy and
initiative can lead them to behave in ways that adults perceive as "bad." Is there such a
creature as a perfect child? Would you really want one?
THE MYTH OF THE PERFECT CHILD
A perfect child is often pictured as the one who quietly obeys his parents, doesn't
fight with his brothers or sisters, does his chores without complaining, saves his money,
does homework without being reminded—and who gets good grades, is athletic, and is
popular. Does this mean that a child who doesn't fit this description is imperfect?
Frankly, we worry about the child who fits this fantasy description. This is
usually the child who does not feel secure enough to test power boundaries and find
out who she is apart from her parents and teachers, who is afraid to make mistakes or
risk disapproval. We say usually, because a few children do fit the fantasy description
yet still feel secure and aren't afraid to make mistakes.
As discussed in Chapters 4 and 6, brain researchers believe that temperament
traits are inborn, part of each child's "wiring." How your child interacts with you and
her other caregivers appears to have a strong effect on how these inborn tendencies
actually develop. It's a complex process, one that we don't yet fully understand. While
attitudes, behavior, and decisions may change with time and experience, temperament
appears to be part of us for life. Understanding your child's unique temperament will
help you accept the child she truly is and work with her to learn, to grow, and to thrive.
You will understand the source of your occasional frustrations with your child, the best
ways to nurture your child, and how to build a stronger relationship by working on
your goodness of fit.
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GOODNESS OF FIT
Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas emphasize the importance of "goodness of
fit," which is the depth of understanding parents and teachers have of a child's
temperament and their willingness to work with that child to encourage healthy
development. (See Stella Chase and Alexander Thomas, Goodness of Fit,
Brunner/Mazel, 1999.) Children experience enough stress in life as they struggle for a
sense of competency and belonging. It does not help to compound that stress by
expecting a child to be someone he is not.
Understanding a child's temperament doesn't mean shrugging and saying, "Oh,
well, that's just the way this child is." It is an invitation to help a child develop acceptable
behavior and skills. For instance, a child with a short attention span will still need to
learn to accept some structure and stay focused. Offering limited choices is one way to
be respectful of the child's needs and of the needs of the situation (meaning the
behavior appropriate for the present environment).
Working out a match between parents and children that meets the needs of both
is critical to goodness of fit. If your child has difficulty adapting to new situations while
you are the life of the party, you have a poor fit. The good news is that, with
understanding, you can find balance and create a good fit.
Your child may not make friends quickly, but she can learn
social skills that will help her find one or two good friends.
She may feel discouraged if you push her to be like you but
will find it encouraging if you gently teach her that it is okay
to take her time while being open to the friendly overtures of
other children. Finding the balance between your needs and
those of your child can take some time and practice, but
learning to accept and work with the individual, special
temperament of your child will benefit you both as the years
go by. Now that you know why understanding temperament
is so important, let's learn more about it.
THE BERKELEY STUDIES
Each child is born with a unique style of processing
sensory information and responding to the world around her.
Drs. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas investigated the
miracle of personality in their longitudinal study of the nine
major temperaments in the late sixties and seventies. The
Berkeley Studies were a longitudinal study of two basic temperaments, active and
passive. This study revealed that these two temperaments are lifelong characteristics; in
other words, passive infants grow up to be passive adults, while active infants grow up
to be active adults. In fact, activity levels can be measured in the womb.
The nine temperaments found by Chess and Thomas—the qualities and
characteristics that contribute to individual personalities—serve to describe three types
of children: the "easy" child, the "difficult" child, and the "slow to warm up" child. All are
good; some are just more challenging than others. We will discuss these nine temperaments, but for more information we highly recommend Know Your Child, Jason
Aronson, 1996, and Temperament: Theory and Practice, Psychology Press, 1996, both
by Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas.
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The following nine temperaments shape a child's
personality and approach to life:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
Activity level
Rhythmicity
Initial response (approach or withdrawal)
Adaptability
Sensory threshold
Quality of mood
Intensity of-reactions
Distractibility
Persistence and attention span
THE NINE TEMPERAMENTS
All children possess varying degrees of each of the nine characteristics studied by
Chess and Thomas. The following sections will describe what they look like in real life.
(You may want to think about children you know as we examine these aspects of
temperament.)
Activity Level
Activity level refers to a child's level of motor activity and the proportion of
active and inactive periods. A high-activity preschooler might delight in energetic
running games, while a low-activity child chooses something quiet, like drawing or
looking at a book.
Q. My three-year-old son doesn't know what the words "Wait, please!" mean. He
never slows down. I am worn out. My sister's child seems so much calmer. Am I doing
something wrong?
A. Have you ever noticed how often parents and teachers of preschoolers use
the phrase "worn out" ? Most preschoolers have a high level of physical energy—after
all, there's so much they have to do and learn each day—but some youngsters seem to
have far more than their share. If you have one of these highly active little ones in your
home, rest assured there is nothing wrong with you or your child. All people are born
with different temperaments. An active child is not "bad"; he does not jet around out of
a desire to wear you out. He simply is busy being who he is. The key to living
peacefully with your active preschooler is to find a way to meet his needs without
abandoning your own. Here are some suggestions:
Plan ahead with your child's needs in mind. Provide him with space, challenging
activities, and opportunities to run off excess energy. Take him to parks, enroll him in
swim classes or gymnastics, or provide plenty of time for energetic play. It may also be
wise to skip, for now, the ballet class, the music recitals and plays, and the four-course
restaurant meals. Set yourselves up for success. Remember to match your expectations
to your child's abilities.
Schedule time for yourself. Get a sitter, enroll your child in preschool or other
classes to give yourself a break, or ask a friend or partner to spend time with your child
on a regular basis. This is not selfishness; it's common sense. You need lots of energy to
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deal calmly and effectively with an active preschooler, and you need time to rest and
refresh yourself.
Learn to love your child for who he is. He did not choose his temperament.
Rejoice in his strengths. There is much he can accomplish later in life with his abundant
energy.
Monica has learned to plan her days with her twins' different temperaments and activity
levels in mind. One Saturday afternoon at the community swimming pool, three-year-old Ned
and Stacy keep Mom company while their older sister takes swimming lessons. As the hour
progresses, Ned plays happily with the bag of plastic animals that his mother has brought along.
The entire hour passes with Ned happily absorbed in his play.
Twin sister Stacy is a different story. She begins coloring in the book her mother has
brought along, but within ten minutes has marked up all of the pages and wants her mom to
read to her. Halfway through the story, Stacy decides she is thirsty, so Monica takes her to the
drinking fountain. Then Stacy begins to climb on the bleachers. Before half an hour has passed,
Stacy has colored, heard a story, gotten a drink, and explored the bleachers. Monica knows her
daughter well and is already expecting to take a walk to the swings—and she knows they'd
better be ready to leave the minute lessons are over.
Ned has a low activity level, while Stacy's is high. Monica used to feel frustrated
by the differences between her twins, especially since she thought she treated them the
same way. Information about temperaments helped her understand them better. She
decided she might as well relax and simply enjoy (and plan for) the uniqueness of each
child.
Rhythmicity
Rhythmicity refers to the predictability (or unpredictability) of biological
functions, such as hunger, sleeping, and bowel movements.
The Silvertons could set their clocks by the routine of their younger son, threeyear-old Martin. He woke up at 6:30 every morning, he wanted the same lunch every
day, always chose to play with the same toys, and went to bed every night at the same
time.
Martin provided a needed rest for the Silvertons after their experience with his
five-year-old brother, Stanley, who was as unpredictable as his younger brother was
predictable. They wondered what they did "wrong" with Stanley and what they did
"right" with Martin, until they learned about temperament and realized they couldn't
take credit or blame for their children's individual wiring. However, they could learn to
be more patient with Stanley and avoid showing preference for Martin's style. They got
both boys involved in planning morning and bedtime routines (even though Martin
didn't need one). Stanley found it helpful to follow routines that he had helped create.
Understanding rhythmicity can help parents and caregivers plan a child's
schedule in ways that ease conflict and stress for everyone.
Fred knows that his four-year-old daughter still gets weary and welcomes a nap
precisely at 1:30 each afternoon. He makes sure that her weekday caregiver
understands this, and he leaves space in his weekend schedule to help her get her rest.
Fred has discovered that respecting his daughter's temperament and need for regular
naps helps prevent those endless afternoons with a cranky, tired child.
Initial Response
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This temperament describes the way a child
reacts to a new situation or stimulus, such as a new
food, toy, person, or place. Approach responses are
often displayed by mood expression (smiling,
speech, facial expression) or motor activity
(swallowing a new food, reaching for a new toy,
joining a new playmate). Withdrawal responses look
more negative and are expressed by mood (crying,
speech, facial expression) or motor activity (running
away, spitting food out, or throwing a new toy).
Learning to parent your unique child means
recognizing these cues and responding in
encouraging, nurturing ways.
Older preschoolers reveal this temperament
in the way they cope with new experiences, either running to join a new group or
hovering on the sidelines awhile to check things out.
Amanda came to her new child care center when she was four years old.
Whenever the children gathered for a group activity, Amanda would hang back and
refuse to join in. Because her teacher was sensitive to her temperament, she did not
insist that Amanda join the group, although she made sure that Amanda knew she was
welcome. For two weeks, Amanda held back, watching what happened and gradually
moving closer. By the third week, she was happily playing with the others. Amanda's
initial response was withdrawal, and her teacher wisely honored this aspect of her
temperament.
Again, temperament is inborn, and research indicates that these deeply ingrained
personality traits are not easily changed by anxious parents.
Bonny worried about her five-year-old son, Jeremy: she feared that his shyness
would keep him from ever having happy relationships or enjoying the activities that
she and his father had always loved. Bonny found that when she pushed him forward,
urged him to speak to or play with someone new, or signed him up for a sport or
activity, he only retreated further, hiding behind her leg and burying his head against
her side.
When Bonny realized that Jeremy might always be wary of new situations, she
decided to accept her son for who he was— and to find ways to help him feel more
comfortable and confident. She learned to provide opportunities for Jeremy to watch
other children playing tee-ball before signing him up. She learned not to push him to
speak to new acquaintances but to carry on a friendly conversation herself, keeping a
gentle hand on her son's shoulder as reassurance.
Bonny made time to stay awhile with Jeremy in new situations, accepting that he
felt comfortable more quickly when she was with him. Most important, she offered him
acceptance and encouragement without requiring that he "get over" his shyness.
Jeremy may always be slow to warm up to new people and circumstances, but his
mother's patience and loving encouragement will help him to believe in—and accept—
himself.
Adaptability
Adaptability describes how a child reacts to a new situation over time—her
ability to adjust and change. Some children initially spit out a new food but accept it
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after a few trial tastes. Others accept a new food, a new article of clothing, or a new
preschool far more slowly, if at all.
When three-and-a-half-year-old Maria's parents decided to file for divorce, her
dad found an apartment a few blocks away. Any child finds divorce painful, but Maria's
"slow to warm up" temperament increased the stress associated with such a major
change. Although both parents agreed to share parenting duties, with Maria spending
several nights each week with her dad, they decided to take a gradual approach at first.
When Maria's dad moved out, he invited her to help him carry things to his new
apartment. Over the next few weeks he took Maria to his apartment several times,
increasing the length of these visits. After three weeks, Maria was spending full days
with Dad and eating dinner at his new apartment but returning to her familiar
bedroom at the family home to sleep.
Gradually, Maria and her dad set up a bedroom for her at his new home, picked
out some furniture, and selected clothes she could move to her new room. A month
had passed before Maria and her parents felt comfortable with overnight visits at Dad's
apartment. It would not have been appropriate for Dad to immediately ask Maria if she
wanted to spend the night at his house. This would have placed too great an emotional
burden on a young child who was already experiencing a sense of upheaval and
divided loyalties. Maria's parents put her needs first and gave her time to adjust to this
change. (For more information on divorce and single parenting, see Positive Discipline
for Single Parents by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Carol Delzer, Three Rivers Press,
1999.)
Many children would benefit from this gentle, gradual approach. If your little
one struggles with rapid transition and change, then recognizing and allowing for her
temperament may save you both discomfort and unhappiness.
Sensory Threshold
Some children wake up from a nap every time a door opens, no matter how
softly, while others can sleep through a thunderstorm. Some children complain about
tight clothes or rough sheets, while others scrape their knees or thump their heads
without even slowing down. The level of sensitivity to sensory input varies from one
child to the next and affects how they behave and view the world.
Amber was celebrating her fourth birthday. She opened a present containing a
beautiful flowered dress and smiled in delight. The smile changed to dismay, however,
when she noticed that the puffy skirt was held in place by a layer of stiff nylon net. "Do
I have to wear this part?" she asked in alarm. "It'll scratch my legs."
Such minor details didn't faze Andy. He loved to walk barefoot and took off his
shoes at every opportunity. His parents would point with concern to the gravel
playground or exclaim about the hot pavement, but textures and temperatures didn't
bother Andy. His little feet padded along undaunted, while their owner enjoyed the
feeling of each toe wiggling freely.
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Sensory Integration Dysfunction
Some children are deeply influenced by sensory input, in fact, in some
cases, a child's brain may have difficulty integrating sensory information. A
child may find his socks "painful" or his shirt "too tight"; he may insist on the
same foods and routines because others are uncomfortable or "bad." Other
children do not respond strongly to, any stimulation; they may rock, spin, or
bang their heads in an effort to generate sensory input, which they find
comforting. Such children may have sensory integration dysfunction and
can benefit from a variety of therapies that will help them make sensed
sensory information end feel more comfortable.
If you suspect that your child reacts differently to sensory input than
other children the same age, it may be wise to ask your pediatrician for an
evaluation. (For more information, see .Carol Stock Kranowitz's excellent
book, The Out-of-Sync Child, revised edition, Perigee, 2006.)
Time and experience will teach you about your own child's sensitivity to physical
sensation and stimulation. Does your child like noise and music, or does he become
irritable? Does he gaze at bright or flashing lights, or does he turn his face away? Will
he eat new foods, or does he spit out unusual tastes or textures? Does he like to be
touched and hugged, or does he wriggle away from too much contact?
If your child is more sensitive to stimulation, you will need to go slowly when
introducing new toys, new experiences, and new people. Soft light and gentle music
may help him calm down and he may become nervous or irritable in noisy, crowded
places (such as birthday parties, amusement parks, or busy malls). A less sensitive child
may be more willing to try new experiences. Discover what engages his attention, then
create opportunities for him to explore and experiment.
Quality of Mood
Have you ever noticed how some children (and adults) react to life with pleasure
and acceptance while others can find fault with everything and everybody? One child
might favor her family with sunny smiles, while another feels compelled to pout or
scowl, just "because."
Parents of less sunny children can take heart. If your child wears a "frowny face"
more often than you would like, remember that those scowls are not in response to
you or your parenting skills. Be sensitive to his mood, but take time to hug your sober
little fellow and share your own sunshine with him. It can be discouraging for parents
and teachers to deal with a child who always looks on the dark side, but there are ways
to both accept this temperament and help a child to face life more positively.
Stephen came home from his parenting class with a new idea: he would ask his
five-year-old son, Carl, about the happiest and saddest moments of his day. Stephen
looked forward to making this a part of their bedtime routine and having a chance to
get into his son's world. When Stephen asked Carl about his saddest moments, he often
had a long list of troubles to relate, but when asked about his happy moments, he
couldn't think of any. Stephen began to feel real dismay that Carl was so miserable.
When Stephen learned about temperament, he was able to stop getting hooked
by Carl's negative mood. He would listen to his son's list of troubles, then share some
of his own sad moments. Then he would share his happy moments. As Stephen
continued to show Carl that it was okay to see both negatives and positives, Carl
started sharing happy times, too. He still sees lots of negatives, but he is learning to see
the positive things as well.
Carl simply has a negative mood temperament and sees the world from that
perspective. By accepting his temperament, Stephen learned more about his child and
how to help him feel better, and they will both benefit.
Intensity of Reaction
Children respond to events around them in different ways. Some smile quietly
or merely take a look, then go back to what they were doing; others react with action
and emotion. For instance, the tantrums of your high-intensity child can be heard
throughout the apartment complex, while your neighbor's son retreats into quiet when
faced with disappointment.
Mrs. Peters was getting ready for art time with her class. While the children
played quietly, Mrs. Peters set out paper, markers, pastels, and scissors. She was
carrying the box containing the trays of watercolors and brushes when she tripped
over a forgotten block and the box of painting supplies crashed to the floor.
The group of children reacted in a number of interesting ways. Some looked up,
startled, then returned to playing. Little Steffi and Adam began to cry loudly. Matt got
up to poke through the debris with his toe, while Amy ran around the room giggling.
The children responded differently to the same situation because their intensity
levels were different. Understanding that children react to stimuli with varying degrees
of intensity can help both parents and teachers deal with behavior more calmly.
Distractibility
"If my daughter decides she wants to go out and play but it's lunchtime," one
mom says, "she'll fuss and fuss and won't get involved in anything else." Another says,
"My little guy knows when he's hungry, and he follows me around the kitchen until I
have his lunch ready." They may not realize it, but these parents are actually talking
about their children's distractibility, the way in which an outside stimulus interferes
with a child's present behavior and his willingness (or unwillingness) to be diverted.
It is nap time at the child care center when Melissa makes the unfortunate
discovery that her special teddy bear has been left at home. The teacher holds her, talks
with her, and offers one of the center's toys as a substitute, but nothing helps. Melissa
spends the entire nap time sitting on her mat whimpering for her teddy.
PRESCHOOLERS AND POTTIES
Melissa has low distractibility, which will be a real asset someday when she's
hired to be an air traffic controller. But for now, Melissa is not a child who should be
brought to child care without her precious teddy. In fact, it might be wise to have two
teddy bears, one for home and another for school, so this sort of crisis can be avoided.
Aaron, on the other hand, is perfectly happy to curl up with whatever toy is
available. Today he has forgotten his stuffed dinosaur, but when his teacher offers a
blue rabbit, Aaron smiles and contentedly drifts off to sleep.
Later on in life, Aaron may prove to be an easygoing person who can do many
things at once, an invaluable asset to a busy corporate office. It is encouraging to adults
and children when parents and teachers remember to focus on the assets of a child's
temperament.
Persistence and Attention Span
Persistence refers to a child's willingness to pursue an activity in the face of
obstacles or difficulties; attention span describes the length of time he will pursue an
activity without interruption. The two characteristics are usually related. The child who
is content to tear up an old magazine for half an hour at a time has a fairly long
attention span, while another who plays with ten different toys in ten minutes has a
short one. A child who is threading beads on a string might give up if a bead doesn't go
on immediately; another will try again and again until she succeeds. These children are
demonstrating different levels of persistence. Again, no temperament is necessarily
better than another; they're simply different and present different challenges in
parenting and teaching.
Five-year-old Mitchell has been tracing a map from his children's atlas every
morning for a week. He has carefully continued his work, adding details and humming
contentedly to himself as he draws. Mitchell's best friend, Erica, comes over to play, and
she sits down to help him—for a while. Within half an hour, Erica has three hastily
completed drawings and turns her attention to Mitchell's new Play-Doh. Someday Erica
may be discovering new strains of bacteria and new medications with her ability to
detect and investigate new things, while most of us would be very comfortable with the
future Dr. Mitchell performing our six-hour open-heart surgery.
It is important to understand that a child with a short attention span and little
persistence does not necessarily have the condition known as attention deficit disorder
(ADD). ADD is a very real neurological condition that should be diagnosed by a
pediatric neurologist or a pediatrician trained to recognize its special symptoms. It is not
usually wise to act on a "diagnosis" offered by another parent or a caregiver—although
such suggestions may be worth investigating with your child's physician.
Most physicians are reluctant to diagnose ADD until a child is at least five or six
years old; before that time, impulsive behavior, high activity levels, and short attention
spans may be due to temperament or developmental differences. If you're concerned,
check with your child's pediatrician or a child therapist trained to evaluate young children. Medication is an option, but one that should be exercised carefully (more about
special needs in Chapter 18). In either case, understanding development and
temperament, being both firm and kind, and using Positive Discipline skills will help
both you and your child experience success at home and at school.
TEMPERAMENT: CHALLENGE OR OPPORTUNITY?
If asked, most parents and teachers would probably prefer children with a long
attention span and high persistence; they're much easier to teach and entertain.
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However, few children fit this ideal description. In fact, most families include children of
different temperaments, and teachers can find themselves working with a large
assortment.
Teachers may find it helpful to provide information about temperament to
parents, too. An understanding of temperament can help both parents and teachers
encourage acceptance instead of unrealistic expectations. Each child—and every
temperament—possesses both assets and liabilities, strengths and weaknesses. None is
"good" or "bad," and as we've already seen, comparison and judgments can lead to discouragement and disappointment. Effective parenting and teaching will help each
unique child build on her strengths and manage her weaknesses, providing
opportunities to learn skills that will last a lifetime.
All parents must eventually recognize and accept the ways in which their
children's dreams and temperaments are different from their own.
Evan's parents are artistic people who design beautiful wall hangings and
nontraditional clothing. They became concerned that Evan wasn't being given ample
opportunity for artistic expression at his preschool, as Evan never came home with
paint on his clothes or clay under his fingernails. In fact, Evan had many opportunities
to explore the world of art. He just wasn't interested. Evan was a precise, orderly
youngster who preferred to work quietly putting together puzzles or building with
blocks. His sensory threshold made the slippery feel of paint on his hands or the gooey
mess of clay distasteful. Evan's parents were viewing their son in light of their own
temperaments, not his. When Evan's teacher explained the facets of his temperament,
his parents were grateful. Now they could begin to accept Evan for the unique person
he is and encourage him to follow his own dreams, not theirs.
NEEDS OF THE SITUATION
We want to emphasize again that an awareness of temperament in children will
help you understand why different methods are more effective with some children
than with others. There are some universal principles, such as everyone's right to
dignity and respect, but this doesn't mean you can demand that your children treat you
with dignity and respect—or that children will automatically know how to do so.
In school, for example, the needs of the situation are that learning must take
place and children should respect themselves and one another. Giving a child a limited
choice of more than one way to learn or do an activity would fit the needs of the
situation, take the child's temperament into account, and still be respectful to everyone
concerned. A child with a long attention span may need encouragement to expand her
horizons to include a variety of interests and activities.
Each individual must learn to take personal responsibility for his own dignity
and respect. You cannot demand that your child treat you with respect, but you can
treat yourself with respect. If your child is behaving disrespectfully, you can choose to
leave the room or find another Positive Discipline method to deal with the behavior. It
is neither effective nor respectful to withdraw love or acceptance from a child because
her behavior needs work.
Marty did nothing in half measures. His mother described her four-year-old son
as "passionate," an admirable trait—in the right circumstances. One afternoon, Marty's
mom told him it was time to put away his crayons. Marty did not want to stop coloring.
His face scrunched up in anger, his jaw jutted out, and in a burst of anger he launched
his crayons at his mother. Marty's mom recognized that his frustration was
understandable, but his feelings and his intense temperament did not give him
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permission to mistreat others. Marty's mother took a calming breath to control her
own anger, then proceeded to leave the room without any comment.
Marty yelled. His mother remained calm, going to her own room. A few
minutes passed, and Marty began to realize that tantrums feel pretty silly when there is
no one around to witness them. Marty wandered off in search of his mother.
When he found Mom in her room, Marty climbed onto the bed with her and
snuggled wordlessly against her side. Mom realized she had a choice: she could lecture
Marty about his unacceptable behavior and march him into the next room to pick up
the crayons, or she could respond to his desire to be close. Marty's mom chose to give
her small son a hug.
After they had established a good connection, Mom told Marty that it was okay
to feel angry sometimes, but it was not okay to throw things at her or anyone else. He
snuggled closer to her and nodded to indicate that he knew he shouldn't throw things.
After a few quiet moments, Mom asked whether he wanted help picking up the
crayons that he had thrown or if he could do it on his own. Marty bounced off the bed
and with one more hug dashed off to gather his crayons.
Did Marty "get away with" misbehavior by throwing crayons at his mother?
Actually, Marty's mother chose to deal with the situation in a manner that allowed for
both her own temperament and her son's. Had she yelled, demanded immediate
compliance, or punished Marty, the situation would likely have grown passionate on
both sides. Instead, she respected her needs by removing herself as a target, modeling
self-control, and taking her own cool-off moment. She let Marty know that he was still
loved by returning his hug, then invited him to correct the situation by picking up the
crayons when he had calmed down.
Both Marty and his mom learned powerful lessons about how to deal with their
own intense temperaments. Temperament and strong emotions are not an excuse for
inappropriate actions. Taking into account a person's natural tendencies simply
provides perspective, guides your responses, and reminds you that your child always
needs your love, especially as he struggles to improve his life skills.
POSITIVE DISCIPLINE SKILLS FOR PARENTS AND TEACHERS
Many of the Positive Discipline skills we suggest are appropriate for children of
all temperaments, because they invite children to learn cooperation, responsibility, and
life skills. However, an understanding of temperament helps us understand why
different methods may be more effective, depending on the temperament and needs of
an individual child.
For example, a positive time-out, when properly used, can be an encouraging
way to help children who need time to calm down and cool off (see Chapter 1). Family
meetings and class meetings are essential to help all children learn problem-solving
skills and cooperation (see Chapter 16). Asking curiosity questions encourages children
to focus on personal accountability as they explore what happened, what caused it to
happen, how they feel about it, and what they might choose to do differently next time.
Parents and teachers can help children develop into the best people they can be when
they understand and respect differences, individuality, and the creativity of each child.
Parents who understand their child's temperament can be knowledgeable
consultants to teachers and other people who may be working with that child. For
example, if your child is slow to adapt, ask for a conference and explain to the teacher
that your child adapts slowly but responds to patience and kind firmness. If your child
has a short attention span, find a teacher who appreciates creativity and provides a
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variety of experiences during the day. Avoid authoritarian teachers who require
children to spend a great deal of time sitting still and who punish children who do not
conform to expectations. Be sure that it is your child's temperament and not your own
that motivates you. You should always be your child's best advocate and supporter.
INDIVIDUALITY AND CREATIVITY
Parents and teachers may not be aware of how they squelch individuality and
creativity when they buy in (often subconsciously) to the myth of the perfect child. It is
tempting for adults to prefer the "easy" child or to want children to conform to the
norms of society. Parental egos often get involved; we worry about what others think
and fear that our competency may be questioned if our child isn't "good" in the eyes of
others.
One of the primary motivators for Chess and Thomas' study of temperament
was the desire to stop society's tendency to blame mothers for the characteristics of
their children. Chess and Thomas state, "A child's temperament can actively influence
the attitudes and behavior of her parents, other family members, playmates, and
teachers, and in turn help to shape their effect on her behavioral development." In this
way, the relationship between child and parents is a two-way street, each continuously
influencing the other.
An awareness of temperament and of the immense value of individuality and
diversity can help parents avoid the criticism and rejection that come from a lack of
information and understanding.
LOVING THE CHILD YOU HAVE
Most parents have dreams for their children. You undoubtedly want your child
to be healthy and happy, but more than that, you want her to fulfill all the potential you
see in her. You may cherish visions of your child as a star athlete or musician, a Nobel
Prize—winning scientist, or even (yes, it's true) president of the United States.
Will had dreamed of the day his son would be born. He proudly carried his
newborn into a room decorated with pennants and some of Dad's own trophies, and he
placed a tiny blue football in the infant's crib. As little Kevin grew, he was signed up for
every sport. His dad was never too busy to toss the football or to take some batting
practice. Kevin played tee-ball with the other five-year-olds and soccer with the
youngsters' league. He had a miniature basketball hoop and a perfectly oiled baseball
glove. His dad never missed a practice or a game.
There was only one problem: Kevin hated sports. He did his best, but he had
little natural ability and he loathed competition. Alone in his room, he dreamed of being
an actor or a comedian, of standing on a stage before smiling, applauding people. He
lined up his stuffed animals and told his favorite stories and jokes, hearing in his mind
the enthusiastic responses. He regaled his neighborhood buddies with tall tales.
As Will talked eagerly to his son about "the majors," Kevin only sighed.
Shattering his dad's dreams would take more courage than he possessed; he was afraid
of losing his father's love and approval. So he played on, growing just a little more
discouraged with every game, feeling disappointed that he would never be the son his
father really wanted.
Does Will love his son? Undoubtedly. But one of the most beautiful ways of
expressing love for a child is learning to love that child—not the child you wish you
had. All parents have dreams for their children, and dreaming is not a bad thing. If we
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are to encourage our children, though, and build their sense of self-esteem and
belonging, we must take time to teach and encourage their dreams—not our own.
WORK FOR IMPROVEMENT, NOT PERFECTION
Even with understanding and the best intentions, most parents struggle
occasionally with their children's temperaments and behavior, especially when they
lose patience, focus on their own ego, or get hooked into reacting to behavior instead
of acting thoughtfully. You and your children are all too human: you will have good
days and days when you're just cranky. Awareness and understanding do not mean
you become perfect; mistakes are inevitable. However, once you have had time to cool
off after you make a mistake, you need to resolve it with your child. Children are
usually more than willing to hug and offer forgiveness, especially when they know
you'll do the same for them. It is important to help your child work for improvement,
not perfection; you can give this gift to yourself as well.
KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS
Rudolf Dreikurs believed it was most effective for parents and teachers to use
kindness and firmness with children. An understanding of temperament shows just
how important this is. Kindness shows respect for the child and his uniqueness;
firmness shows respect for the needs of the situation. By understanding and respecting
your child's temperament, you will be able to help him reach his full potential as a
capable, confident, contented person. And there's a bonus: you will probably get a lot
more rest, laugh more, and learn a great deal about yourself and your child in the
process.
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7
"DON'T TALK TO ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE"
Emotions and the Art of Communication
Feelings can be such bewildering things, and a preschooler's world is a riot of
feelings. Take a moment sometime and watch your child try to deal with frustration or
anger. She may throw a toy across the room, stamp her foot, make demands, fall over
backward in a tantrum, or collapse in a flood of tears. In fact, she may do all of the
above within the span of a few minutes.
It is difficult enough for adults to cope with emotions, but for young children
there is an added wrinkle: they haven't yet learned exactly what emotions are or how
to identify and talk about them, let alone how to cope with them effectively. And of
course, it doesn't help when adults tell children they shouldn't feel the way they feel.
"Quit acting like that" is easily interpreted as "Don't feel like that."
Understanding and communicating with your child means deciphering her
nonverbal clues, understanding what she is feeling, and helping her to understand it as
well. It means teaching her that what she feels is
always okay, but what she does may not be okay. In
other words, it is okay to be angry at her baby
brother, but it is not okay to hit him. Learning to
recognize and deal with your child's feelings is a
vitally important step in understanding her behavior
and beliefs about her world.
WHAT ARE EMOTIONS?
Researchers who study the human brain have
discovered an interesting truth: emotions are far
more than just unruly impulses that flood children and adults from time to time.
Emotions are generated by the limbic system and are actually the energy that fuels the
human brain. Feelings are your barometer, a way of knowing whether you are safe
and comfortable or need some sort of help or support. Feelings are intended to give
you valuable information; in fact, some of them, like fear, protect you from foolish
actions. Paying attention to your feelings can help you decide what to do or let you
know that you need to make changes. Human beings access vitally important
information when they learn to tune in to the deeper message feelings convey, instead
of suppressing them.
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Young children have the same emotions their parents and teachers do. There is
one significant difference, however. As you learned in Chapter 4, the prefrontal cortex
(which is responsible for emotional regulation) does not fully develop until the age of
twenty-five. Learning to identify and manage feelings is a process that will take your
child many years; as in so many other areas of parenting, she will need your patience,
understanding, and kind, firm teaching.
Just as they learn other things in life, children learn to cope with their feelings by
watching adults. (Remember, you and your child both have mirror neurons, which
makes it easy for you to "catch" each other's feelings.) All too often, parents deal with
difficult feelings either through emotional displays or by squelching them entirely. You
may believe you have hidden the feelings you refuse to express, but they still affect you
and those around you, and the results usually are more damaging than if the feelings
had been appropriately expressed early on.
Actually, feelings themselves don't cause problems. Certain actions (or a failure
to act at all) may cause problems. Some people put feelings in the same category as
emotional displays. A temper tantrum is an emotional display; acting depressed may be
an emotional display. A feeling, though, is simply a feeling. And everyone, whatever
his or her age, has feelings.
TEACHING CHILDREN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEELINGS AND
ACTIONS
It's important to help children identify their feelings and express them
appropriately. Children (and adults) need to learn that feelings are different from
actions. Many adults struggle with acknowledging and expressing their feelings. It often
seems easier (or more polite) to simply repress feelings, although those feelings often
leak out in the form of anger or depression. This mistaken pattern of denying feelings
often is passed on to children. Consider this familiar exchange: An angry child says, "I
hate my brother!" An adult responds, "No, you don't. You know you love your
brother." It would be more helpful to say to the child, "I can see how angry and hurt
you feel right now I can't let you kick your brother, but maybe we can find a way to
help you express your feelings in a way that doesn't hurt anyone."
Young children often choose inappropriate ways to express their feelings, not
because they're "bad" or malicious but because they don't know what to do with those
tidal waves of emotion that wash over them. Let's look at how you can teach your child
to accept and understand her feelings and to express emotions in ways that not only
will help her feel better but will help her find solutions to the problems she encounters
in life.
LEARNING TO FEEL
Feelings are the language of energy. The very word emotion has as its base the
word motion; our feelings and emotions do move us, mentally, verbally, or physically.
The energy of emotions can be positive or negative. You can't see energy or hear it
(even though you can feel it), and for this reason some people try to ignore it (and
teach their children to ignore it). This is unwise, because the energy of feelings can give
you valuable information when you learn to trust it. Adults and children express
emotional energy on their faces, in their voices, and in the way they move or stand. (In
this sense, you can see it.) Because preschoolers are still developing their language skills,
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they trust the message of this nonverbal communication far more than they do mere
words.
Three-year-old Kyle scampers into the kitchen where Linda, his mother, late for a
meeting, is preparing dinner.
"Look, Mommy, look—I drew an airplane!" Kyle bubbles, waving his paper excitedly.
"That's great, sweetie. You're quite an artist," his harried mother replies without
glancing up.
Linda undoubtedly means well, and there is certainly nothing wrong with her words,
but Kyle notices that her hands never stop grating cheese for the casserole and her eyes never
quite look at his airplane. What message has Kyle really received?
Five-year-old Wendy is helping her dad make lunch. Wendy's little brother is cranky,
and Dad is trying to watch the football game on television while he makes the grilled cheese sandwiches. Wendy is valiantly pouring milk when the heavy carton slips from her grasp, sending a
half gallon of foamy liquid across the kitchen floor.
Wendy looks up timidly into her father's face. "I'm sorry, Daddy," she says. "Are you
mad?"
Dad's eyebrows lower ominously, his jaw tightens, and when he speaks his voice is thin
and tense. "No, I'm not mad," he says. When Wendy bursts into tears, he wonders why.
Ms. Santos is reading a nap-time story to her class of four-year- olds. She hasn't had a
break because her replacement didn't show up and no substitute teacher is available. Little Allie
looks at her teacher and asks, "Don't you like this story?"
Ms. Santos looks at Allie in surprise and answers, "Of course I do. Why?"
Allie answers, "Because your face is all scrunched up."
THE POWER OF NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
As your child grows and develops, you need to be constantly aware of the
messages you are sending him—and whether your words and your actions agree.
Children notice what we do, even more than what we say. For instance, saying "I love
you" may, not be the most effective way to communicate that message to your child.
Saying the words often (and meaning them) is important, but words alone won't communicate this vital message to your young child.
Eye Contact
Try an experiment sometime. Stand back to back with someone and try to tell
him or her about something that happened to you or explain how you're feeling. If
you're like most people, you'll find yourself wanting to crane your neck and turn
around to look your partner in the eye.
In Western cultures, eye contact signals attention. A good public speaker will
catch the gaze of audience members and by doing so will involve them in what he or
she is saying. In the same way, making eye contact with your child signals to him that
he is important, captures his attention, and increases the effectiveness of your message.
Unfortunately, parents often reserve eye contact primarily for certain occasions.
Can you guess what those are? Adults tend to make direct eye contact with children
most often when they are angry or lecturing them, saving their most powerful
communication for their most negative messages. Toni Morrison once asked a poignant
question on an Oprah show: do your eyes light up when your child walks into the
room?
It is important to recognize that in some cultures, making direct eye contact is
regarded as a sign of disrespect. One teacher thought a child was being "sneaky" by
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avoiding eye contact but changed her mind once she understood the respect this young
child's lack of eye contact conveyed in his native culture. Her attitude shifted and she
communicated far more effectively with this child and his family when she understood
the message his lack of eye contact conveyed.
Posture and Position
Making eye contact with your child may not be as simple as it sounds. Without
help, your child will tend to look you right in the knees! If you want to communicate,
get down on his level. Kneel next to him, sit beside him on the sofa, or (as long as you
hold on to him) set him on a counter where his eyes can meet yours comfortably. Now,
not only can you maintain eye contact while you speak to him, but you've eliminated
the sometimes overpowering difference in size and height. Also, watch out for the
signals your posture sends: crossed arms or legs, for example, can indicate resistance or
hostility. Your child will be quick to notice.
Susan was trying to coax her daughter, Michele, into sharing what was upsetting her.
"Come on, honey," Susan said gently, "I really want to help." Michele hesitated, then
said, "But you might get mad at me." Susan smiled encouragingly and replied, "Michele, I
promise I won't get mad. I care about you, and I want you to be able to tell me anything."
Michele thought for a moment, then looked up into her mother's face. "I'll tell you if you
promise not to look at me with your lips all tight."
Poor Susan—she was trying hard to be unconditionally accepting and loving.
Her daughter, however, was able to read the body language that betrayed her true
feelings. When Susan's words and her expression match consistently, Michele will feel
more comfortable talking openly with her mother.
Tone of Voice
Your tone of voice may be the most powerful nonverbal tool of all. Try saying a
simple sentence, such as "I can't help you," emphasizing a different word each time.
How does the meaning change? Even inoffensive phrases like "Have a nice day" can
become poisonous if you choose a particularly cold tone of voice. It is often the way
you say something, rather than the words you use, that carries the message.
Remember, children are especially sensitive to the nuances of nonverbal
communications.
Facial Expressions and Touch
When you're feeling particularly blue, does it help when a friend smiles and
gives you a pat on the shoulder or a friendly hug? The way you look at your child and
the way you use your hands can communicate very effectively without a single word
being spoken.
Tommy is curled up on the couch under a blanket, suffering from a bad case of
the flu. Dad walks by, adjusts the blanket, and gently ruffles Tommy's hair.
Has anything been communicated? Chances are Tommy knows without words
that his dad cares about him, wants to help, and hopes he'll soon feel better.
Let's go back to where we started. How might you say "I love you" to your child
now? Imagine how powerful it will feel if you kneel in front of him, look him directly in
the eye, smile, and in your warmest tone of voice say, "I love you." Now the words and
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nonverbal cues match up—and a big hug may be on the way! Nonverbal
communication teaches children about connection, feelings, and, eventually, the words
that go with them.
The Elements of Nonverbal Communication
•
•
•
•
Eye contact
Posture and position
Tone of voice
Facial expression and touch
THE ART OF ACTIVE LISTENING
Active (or reflective) listening is another effective tool of communication, one
that will serve you well as you parent your child and (sooner than you may think) the
adolescent that child will become. Active listening is the art of observing and listening to
feelings, then reflecting them back. Active listening does not require that you agree
with your child's feelings, but it allows your child to feel connected and understood—
something all people need—and provides an opportunity to explore and clarify those
mysterious impulses known as emotions.
Four-year-old Chrissy ran through the front door, slamming it so forcefully that
the pictures rattled on the wall, and promptly burst into tears. "Tammy took my ball,"
she wailed. "I hate her!" Then Chrissy threw herself onto the sofa in a storm of sobs.
Her mom, Diane, looked up from the bills she was paying. Resisting the impulse
to scold Chrissy for slamming the door, she said quietly, "You seem pretty angry,
kiddo."
Chrissy pondered for a moment. "Mom," she said plaintively, sniffling a little, "Tammy is
bigger than me. It isn't fair for her to take away my stuff."
"It must be pretty frustrating to be picked on by a big girl," Diane said, still focusing on
reflecting her daughter's feelings. "Yeah. I'm mad," the little girl said firmly. "I don't want to
play with her anymore." She sat quietly for a moment, watching as Diane put stamps on
envelopes. "Mom, can I go play out in the backyard?"
Diane gave her daughter a hug—and a great deal more.
By simply reflecting back her daughter's underlying feelings (active listening),
Diane refrained from lecturing, rescuing, or discounting her daughter's feelings. She
allowed Chrissy the opportunity to explore what was going on for her, and in the
process, Chrissy discovered a solution to her own problem. Some other time, Diane
might be able to talk with Chrissy about avoiding future problems—and perhaps ask
her what she could do to express her anger instead of slam the door.
Diane also showed respect for her daughter's feelings. Parents often do not
agree with (or completely understand) their children's emotions, but active listening
does not require you to agree or completely understand. It invites children to feel heard
and lets them know it's okay to feel whatever they feel. Validating a child's feelings
with love and understanding opens the door for real connection and problem solving
and works toward building a lifelong relationship of love and trust.
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Pretend these statements are made by a child. How would you respond?
• "No! I won't take a nap!"
• "I want a bottle like the baby has."
• "I hate going to the doctor."
• "Nobody will let me play with them."
Parents sometimes respond with "adultisms" like these: "How come you
never…?" "When will you ever . . . ?" or "How many times do I have to tell you . . . ?"
Parents often try to argue a child out of her feelings in hopes of changing her mind or
helping her feel better. These attempts may sound like this:
• "Of course you need your nap—you've been up since six. When will you
learn that you need to rest?"
• "Don't be silly. Only babies use bottles. You're a big boy now."
• "I keep telling you, you have to go to the doctor to feel better."
• "Why sweetie, you know you have lots of friends. What about . . ."
Each of these examples may leave the child feeling misunderstood and
defensive—with the likely result of an argument and frustration for both of you.
Active listening might sound like this:
• "You look disappointed that you have to stop playing with your toys. You
were having a lot of fun."
• "Sounds like you're feeling left out in all the fuss over your new baby
sister. Is there more you can tell me?"
• "Sometimes I feel a little afraid of going to the doctor, too."
• "You seem pretty sad about being ignored by the older kids."
These responses make no judgments and open the door for children to go
further in exploring their feelings. Asking "Is there more?" indicates a willingness to
listen and may help a child discover deeper, buried feelings.
Like most adults, sometimes all children really need is for someone to listen and
understand. Active listening will help your child learn about his own feelings (and
appropriate ways to express them) and will help you focus on what's really important.
WHAT ABOUT ANGER? DEALING WITH DIFFICULT FEELINGS
Like adults, children feel angry and frustrated from time to time. After all, there
is so much that a young child cannot understand or do.
Unfortunately, young children do not yet have the skills or maturity to express
anger and frustration in ways that are acceptable to adults—which is why angry
children are usually viewed as misbehaving children. Adults and children alike need to
find acceptable, positive ways of dealing with feelings, even the difficult ones.
When you become angry or extremely emotional, an interesting thing happens
in your brain. The prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for emotional regulation,
impulse control, and good judgment—essentially "disconnects," leaving you with
physical sensations and feelings. (This is commonly known as "losing it," something all
parents experience eventually!) Remember, mirror neurons make it easy to catch
strong emotions; when you lose it your child is likely to do the same—and vice versa. It
is impossible to solve problems effectively without
your prefrontal cortex, which is why it is so
important to take a positive time- out to cool off
before attempting to deal with problems.
When a child becomes angry, adults usually
call it a "tantrum." Offering a hug or a positive time177
out (and understanding that a young child simply can't deal with strong emotions in a
mature manner yet) is a helpful first step. Sometimes it is most helpful to simply allow a
child to feel angry (without rescuing or trying to "fix" her feelings) until the anger
dissipates. Later you can follow up with curiosity questions to help your child
understand her feelings and figure out solutions.
The importance of Emotional Literacy
Michael Thompson, Dan Kindlon, William Pollock, and other researchers hive
discovered that while no child is born with an "emotional vocabulary." it may be
especially' important for parents to use words that describe emotions with their sons.
Boys often develop emotional skills more slowly than do girls; in addition, Western
culture often labels feelings such as fear, sadness, or loneliness as "weak" and
encourages boys to suppress them. Using simple, accurate language to reflect and
describe emotions teaches your child to identify what he feels and enables him—with
time and practice-to use words rather than behavior to express them.
There is more parents and caregivers can do to respond to a child's anger than
simply responding to tantrums. After she has calmed down, you can teach your child to
notice why she becomes angry. You can also help her recognize that anger is a deeply
physical emotion and help her develop ways to cope with it.
HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD RECOGNIZE AND MANAGE FEELINGS
Here are some ways you might help a young child explore and express strong
emotions.
• Invite the child to draw a picture of how the emotion feels. Does it have a
color? A sound?
• Ask the child to talk through rather than act out what she is feeling.
Because most children are not consciously aware of their feelings and may
lack words to describe them accurately, you might try asking simple yesor-no questions about the feelings: "Sounds like you might be feeling hurt
and want to get even." "Are you having a hard time holding your anger
inside?" "When you don't get what you want, does it make you so angry
you can hardly stand it?" When you are correct in guessing her feelings,
your child will feel validated and relieved at being understood.
• Ask the child what she notices happening in her body when she gets
really angry. Because anger triggers physical reactions (adrenaline is
released, heart rate and respiration increase, blood vessels expand, and so
on), most people actually feel anger physically. If your child reports that
her fists clench, or she feels a knot in her stomach, or her face feels hot (all
common responses), you can work together to help her recognize when
she's getting really angry and provide ways to cool off before anger gets
out of control. (Adults, too, can benefit from paying attention to their
body's cues.)
• Keep a feelings faces chart handy and refer to it with your child, asking,
"Does one of these faces show how you feel?"
• Provide an acceptable way to deal with anger. You may help your child
express her feelings physically by running around the yard, punching a
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"bop bag," or even pretending to be a ferocious dinosaur. (Stay nearby to
talk through those strong feelings as your child expresses them.) Some
preschools have an "anger box," a knee-high cardboard box where an
angry child can go to stand, jump, or yell when upset. Sometimes the
teachers use it, too! Screaming into a pillow or playing with Play-Doh can
also help vent emotions and restore calm.
• Teach a slow-breathing technique. One of the handiest tools of all is that of
slow, focused breathing, something a child (or adult) can do anytime and
anywhere. Practice breathing in and out while counting slowly to four
each time you inhale and exhale. Do this for several breaths. An older
child can learn to take his pulse and discover how slow breathing actually
slows his heartbeat, too. What an exciting and empowering discovery!
• Ask the child if it will help her to take a positive time-out to cool off before
acting on her strong emotions. (This is effective only if the child
understands the concept of a positive time-out, as explained in Chapter 1.)
You can go to time-out with your child or on your own, as an extra
display of support or because you need it, too.
• Use books and pictures to initiate discussions about anger and other
emotions. Two excellent books on anger and emotions are Bombaloo by
Rachel Vail, Scholastic, 2002, and The Way I Feel by Janan Cain, Parenting
Press, 2000. Pictures of other people displaying different feelings is helpful
because it teaches children to recognize facial and body language cues—
which help in the development of empathy—as well as to name those
feelings. It also helps children to identify their own emotions and
accompanying body signals. (This technique is best when you and your
child are calm and can talk together about what you learn.)
• Help your child create an anger wheel of choice. Then he can choose
something from the wheel that he feels would help him express his anger
in a nondestructive manner. Use any of the ideas listed below or add your
own.
• Let your child have the last word. It isn't helpful to try to talk a child out
of her feelings or to try to fix things for her. Have faith in your child; let
her feelings run their course and, when she is calm, focus on teaching
skills so she can look for solutions to her problems.
Anger isn't the only difficult emotion young children must learn to deal with. By
practicing active listening, taking time to understand, and using some of the ideas
above, adults can also help children deal honestly with jealousy, fear, sadness, and all of
the other emotions that are a part of human
existence.
Conflicts have a way of escalating
quickly when many small children are
involved. Teachers may find it helpful to
practice ways of defusing anger or to allow
groups of children to play Let's Pretend
about what happens when they feel angry.
Talking in advance about emotions and
actively teaching skills to manage them can
give everyone, children and teachers alike, a
plan to follow when strong feelings erupt. A
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classroom anger wheel of choice is a helpful tool to model and discuss appropriate
behaviors and to provide ideas for coping with this strong emotion.
PRACTICING EMOTIONAL HONESTY
Parents (and teachers) often wonder how much of their own feelings they
should share with children. As with so many things in life, children learn best by
watching their adult role models. The way you manage (or fail to manage) your own
emotions sends a strong message to your child. If you deal with anger by yelling, you
shouldn't be surprised if the young ones in your life do, too. If, on the other hand, you
can find helpful ways of expressing your own feelings, you will reduce the chance of
conflict and provide children with a wonderful example of how to deal appropriately
with emotions.
As you have probably discovered, sharing your world with a young child can
stimulate all sorts of interesting emotions in you. In the course of a single day, a parent
or teacher can feel love, warmth, frustration, anger, irritation, weariness, hope, and
despair. Children are amazingly sensitive to the emotional state of those around them;
their mirror neurons and ability to read nonverbal cues often let them know what
you're feeling even when you think you're acting "normal." So, how should adults
explain and express their feelings to children?
Emotional honesty is often the best policy. It is not only okay but may also be
real wisdom to tell a child, calmly and respectfully, "I'm feeling really angry right now."
Notice the word you is missing from this statement. This is very different from saying
"You make me so angry." Blaming or shaming statements aren't necessary; simply
explaining to your child what you're feeling and why can help you deal with your own
feelings and teach your child about possible results of his own behavior. Remember,
too, that young children are egocentric at this age and often assume that whatever
you're feeling is about them. Explaining your feelings and the reasons for them may
save you and your child a great deal of misunderstanding and confusion.
One helpful way of expressing feelings is by using "I statements." An "I
statement" in a simple formula such as "I feel about _______ because ________ , and
therefore __________" (Formulas come in handy when you're too emotional to think
straight.) allows you to explain what you're feeling and why.
An "I statement" might look something like this:
• "I feel worried when blocks are thrown in the playroom, because one of
the other children might get hurt. Would it help you to take some time
out until you have calmed down, or do you have another solution to this
problem?"
• "I feel angry when cereal is dumped on the floor, because I'm tired and I
don't want to clean up the mess. If cereal is dumped on the floor again, I'll
know you've decided not to eat and you can either put away your bowl
or I will do so for you."
• "I feel upset and frustrated because the car has a flat tire, and now I'm
going to be late to work."
• "I'm so angry right now that I need some time out until I can calm down,
so I don't do or say something I'll regret later."
Parents and teachers also can practice separating a child from his sometimes
inappropriate behavior. You can reassure your child about his place in your affections
and encourage his efforts to understand his world, while still teaching him that certain
behaviors or actions are not acceptable. For example:
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"I love you, and I can't allow you to kick me when you're angry."
"I'm glad you want to learn about the kitchen, and you can't melt your
crayons on the stove."
• "I appreciate your help, and you're not quite old enough to fix the vacuum
cleaner."
(Remember, action is a more effective teaching tool with young children than
words. If your child is at risk of injury or harm, act first— with kindness and firmness—
then talk later.)
•
•
"SHOULD I PROTECT MY CHILD FROM SADNESS OR WORRY?"
Adults sometimes feel the need to shield children from sadness, loss, and the
other unpleasant realities of life, but it is usually best to be as honest with your child as
you reasonably can be. As we've mentioned, children usually know when something in
the family is amiss, and without enough information, they may assume they have done
something wrong. Because of their egocentricity, children are quite ready to believe
that they cause bad things to happen. Children shouldn't be asked to shoulder burdens
too heavy for them or to take responsibility for their parents' problems, but they can
be given an opportunity to understand and share in whatever is going on. This draws
children into the family circle and helps build in them a sense of belonging and
connection.
If a family member or loved pet has died, it is best to provide a child with
information that will help him make sense of what has happened. It is tempting to tell a
young child that Grandpa is "sleeping" or has "gone away," but that may lead a child to
fear going to bed or to wonder whether Mom or Dad will also "go away" unexpectedly.
Death can be explained in simple but honest terms and children can be helped to grieve
and to heal. (Yes, children grieve, although their grief sometimes resembles irritability
rather than sadness.) It isn't necessary to tell children more than they can comprehend.
You may want to explain that many adults also have difficulty understanding death,
and many people have different beliefs about what it means and what happens
afterward. Including children in the rituals surrounding death, such as funerals, may
actually be less frightening for them than being left out. Death is part of the cycle of life;
treating it as such will make coping with death easier for parents and children alike.
In the same way, if the family is undergoing financial strain or other stresses,
parents can give children simple facts to help them understand and then use active
listening to explore and deal with their feelings. Be aware that children will have strong
feelings and reactions to traumatic events in the family, such as divorce, and it is unwise
to simply assume that they'll be "fine." Take time to explain, without blaming or
judging, what has happened and how it will affect your child. Be sure she knows that it
wasn't her fault and that she is loved and cherished. And stay tuned in; use active
listening to check your child's perceptions and allow her to express her fears and
feelings openly. (For more information on helping children cope with death or divorce,
see Positive Discipline for Single Parents by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Carol
Delzer, Three Rivers Press, 1999; Positive Discipline A–Z, Three Rivers Press, 2006; and
"A Time to Laugh, a Time to Cry: The Grieving Process" in Top Ten Preschool Parenting
Problems by Roslyn Ann Duffy, Exchange Press, 2007.)
By including young children in the life of the family, parents help them learn
about feelings and what it means to be human. By exploring and respecting your
children's feelings and by being honest about your own feelings, you will build a
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relationship of trust and connection, along with problem-solving skills that will last a
lifetime.
THE TIME YOU SPEND
Another way in which parents communicate love and caring is by how they
spend their time. Your child needs to know that you consider her important enough to
spend time on—and it doesn't take large
doses of time to do this. Spending regular,
focused one-on-one time with a child,
something we call "special time," is one of
the most important things you can do for
your child. Few things say "I love you" as
well as time spent alone and involved.
Because "special time" is so powerful,
we really can't emphasize the need for it
enough. No one—adult or child—ever
outgrows the need to spend time with
those they love.
IT'S NEVER TOO SOON TO BEGIN
"My parents just don't understand me."
"I want to talk to my kid about sex and drugs, but I don't know how."
"I worry that my teenagers are getting into trouble, but they don't seem to trust me . . .
I just don't get it."
"I would never tell my parents what my friends and I do— they'd only lose it. We just
never talk at all."
Many teenagers—and many parents of teenagers—wish things could be
different; they wish they could understand and trust each other enough to talk openly
about the choices and issues that face them. All too often, regardless of how much they
may love one another, they simply can't. They can't trust each other; they don't
understand each other. While it's never too late to change, it certainly is harder the
longer you wait.
If you're fortunate enough to be the parent of a young child, you have a golden
opportunity. The best time to begin building a relationship of trust and openness isn't
after your child has become an adolescent and you suddenly realize how serious the
issues are; the time is now, while he's young. Time spent talking to your child, listening
to his daydreams and thoughts and feelings, teaching him about life, and simply being
human together is an investment in the future you will never regret.
If you are a preschool teacher, remember that the time your young students
spend with you shapes the way they view their world—you truly do touch the future
when you teach young children. For parents and teachers alike, taking the time to
understand emotions and to express them in positive ways will help you build
relationships where love and trust can flourish.
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8
"WHY DOES MY CHILD DO THAT?"
The Messages of Misbehavior
Understanding your preschooler's development and filling your toolbox with
Positive Discipline parenting tools will go a long way toward resolving conflicts with
your young child. It also helps to know that temperament, birth order, brain
development, physical and intellectual abilities, and skill acquisition underlie much of
your child's behavior in these early years. Still, even the most delightful preschooler
isn't perfect, and misbehavior can be frustrating. Why do children misbehave? And
what should parents do about it?
Carly is playing happily on the floor while her mom pays the bills. The phone
rings, Carly's mom answers—and suddenly Carly is glued to her mother's leg, whining
for juice. No amount of whispered urging will make Carly return to her play. Why?
Alberto knows that brushing his teeth is part of his bedtime routine. He also
knows that this procedure is extremely important to his father. When Alberto's dad
approaches with a loaded brush, Alberto folds his arms, furrows his brow, and clamps
his mouth tightly shut. Alberto's dad threatens, pleads, and brushes Alberto's lips, but
Alberto keeps his mouth tightly closed. Why?
Are these children misbehaving? Well, it certainly seems so. Most parents have
experienced moments like these and have struggled to find a solution. As you will
learn, before you can help your child choose different behavior, you must understand
why your child is behaving this way, and what he is trying to accomplish with his
behavior.
Behavior actually is a coded message that reveals a child's underlying beliefs
about himself and about life. When your child misbehaves, he is telling you in the only
way he knows that (at least for the moment) he is feeling discouraged, or that he
doesn't belong. As you learn to decipher the code, you will find that your responses
(and eventually, your child's behavior) will change.
There is a parable that urges us to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before we
condemn or criticize his actions. When you can get into your child's world (and walk in
his small shoes), his behavior may begin to make sense.
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WHAT IS MISBEHAVIOR?
Parents sometimes view any atypical behavior as misbehavior. For just a
moment, put yourself in your child's place; make an effort to get into his world.
Four-year-old Richard was at home with his mom, recuperating from the chicken pox.
Mom had had to take a few days off from work and needed to spend some time on the phone keeping up with business. One afternoon, after a particularly long phone call, she walked into
Richard's room and found him absorbed in using the permanent marking pens. The imaginative
little boy had looked at his chicken pox spots and been reminded of his dot-to-dot coloring book.
Richard had removed his clothes and was busily drawing lines from one spot to the next with the
marking pens. He was covered with brightly colored lines connecting his red spots.
Richard's mom was wise enough to realize that this was not misbehavior. He was not
trying to get attention or make a mess; he was being wonderfully creative. Richard had discovered that his body looked like a large dot-to-dot drawing, so he had simply connected the dots!
What did his mom do? She let her sense of humor take over. She went and got the washable
markers and finished connecting the dots with him.
It would have been easy for Mom to scold and humiliate Richard. The entire
event could have disintegrated into tears and misery. Instead, Mom made room for one
of childhood's treasured moments. When Richard is a dad himself, sitting with his
children around Grandma's table telling "Remember when . . ." stories, Richard and his
mom will both laugh as they remember Richard's dot-to-dot chicken pox! And as they
laugh, they can re-create that moment of fun and love shared long ago.
When three-and-a-half-year-old Elsie's dad picked her up from preschool one evening, he
immediately noticed that Elsie's hair was significantly shorter in the front than it had been that
morning. "Did someone cut Elsie's hair today?" the perplexed father asked Elsie's teacher.
"No, she did that herself," the teacher replied. "Elsie has been practicing a lot with the
safety scissors lately."
Was Elsie misbehaving? When Dad entered Elsie's world, he realized that Elsie
was actively exploring the wonders of using scissors. Today she had discovered that
hair could be cut. Dad may not like his daughter's new hairstyle, and he will surely
explain to Elsie that he would prefer that she not cut her own (or anyone else's) hair. He
might also tell his intrepid daughter, "Let's find some things you can cut." This dadknows that Elsie's experiment was a learning experience. Hair grows back. Elsie made a
mistake, and her dad helped her to learn from it.
Both of these children were behaving in ways that are developmentally
appropriate—and quite creative. Yet it would have been easy to interpret both
situations as misbehavior.
So how do you know when a behavior is misbehavior? The key is
discouragement. Children who feel discouraged about their ability to belong are more
likely to misbehave. Neither Richard nor Elsie was discouraged; instead, they were
exploring the world around them (and their parents and teachers should probably
supervise the use of permanent markers and scissors).
Richard's behavior might have been misbehavior if he had wanted his mother to
play with him rather than talk on the phone. His behavior then might have been
intended to get attention or power, as a mistaken way to feel belonging. As you have
learned, one of the primary human needs is the need to belong, to feel a sense of worth
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and significance. When a child believes he doesn't belong, he feels discouraged. Out of
that discouragement he chooses what Rudolf Dreikurs, author of Children: The
Challenge (New York, 1991), called a "mistaken goal of misbehavior." They are
considered "mistaken" goals because the child mistakenly believes the behavior will
help him regain a sense of belonging. You may view misbehavior differently when you
recognize that a misbehaving child is simply a discouraged child who wants to belong
and has a mistaken idea about how to achieve this goal.
MISBEHAVIOR OR CODED MESSAGE?
Three-year-old Maggie is visiting her grandparents' house on Thanksgiving, with all the
other aunts, cousins, and members of her family. When Grandma goes to see what's taking
Maggie so long in the bathroom, she finds Maggie tearing a roll of toilet paper to shreds.
Is Maggie misbehaving? It would be understandable if her grandmother's first
response was anger.
Getting into a child's world is a bit like looking through a kaleidoscope. Pretend
that you are Maggie's grandmother. What do you see when you look through the
kaleidoscope? You may see piles of shredded paper everywhere, tinged by the red
glow of your own anger. Now turn the kaleidoscope slightly and look again. Look at
Maggie, who has just been chased away from the kitchen because she was underfoot.
Look at Maggie, who just got told by her big sister, Joan, that she was too little to play
Monopoly with Joan and her older cousins. Look at Maggie, who wanted to show
Grandpa how to do Itsy Bitsy Spider but was abandoned when he had to go help move
chairs into the dining room. What might Maggie really be saying with her toilet paper?
How is she really feeling? What might stop Maggie from further acts of destruction?
How do you suppose most adults would react to Maggie's behavior? What
would you do? Does understanding what Maggie's world feels like just now influence
your response?
Understanding Maggie's world does not mean that deliberately making a mess is
okay. But understanding some of what Maggie is experiencing is likely to affect how
her grandmother responds. Maggie will still have to pick up all the tiny bits of paper.
Armed with love and understanding, Grandma may be more likely to help Maggie pick
up the pieces and maybe invite her to help roll out pie dough afterward.
Misbehaving children are discouraged children, and encouragement is like rain
to their parched souls. It is important to create opportunities to help children feel
encouraged and valuable, to let them know they belong.
Let's turn the kaleidoscope together and take a closer look at the four coded
messages of discouraged children.
BREAKING THE CODE
If you can learn to read the code behind your child's behavior in different
situations, you can deal effectively with his beliefs instead of just the behavior itself.
There are three specific clues that will help you break the code. Let's examine the clues
that help you decode the message behind a child's misbehavior—and, finally, what to
do that will encourage your child and change his behavior.
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Your Own Feelings in Response to the Behavior
How you feel in response to a child's misbehavior is the first important clue to
understanding the child's mistaken goal. For instance, when the child's goal is undue
attention, her actions invite adults to feel annoyed, irritated, worried, or guilty. When a
child seeks misguided power, adults usually feel challenged, threatened, or defeated.
When the child's mistaken goal is revenge, her actions invite adults to feel hurt, disappointed, disbelieving, or disgusted. When a child is so discouraged that she gives up
completely (the mistaken goal of assumed inadequacy), adults also feel inadequate,
despairing, hopeless, or helpless.
As you examine the Mistaken Goal Chart on pages 144 and 145, you can usually
find one set of feelings in the second column that best describes your feelings when
faced with a misbehaving child. Note that you don't need to do anything about your
feelings; simply notice and use them to help you understand your child. Also notice that
your child's behavior does not "cause" you to feel a certain way. Your feelings flow
from your understanding of your child's behavior. When your understanding changes
(and you understand the coded message), your feelings also will change.
Your Usual (Ineffective) Attempts to Stop the Behavior
Another clue is your usual response to your child's behavior. Adults often
respond to the behavior of each mistaken goal in predictable ways. For instance, Dad
and Ryan are constantly battling over something, whether it's what to wear, how much
to eat, or how long Ryan can play at the computer. Their struggles reveal an ongoing
battle for power: Dad gives a command, Ryan resists, and Dad reacts by fighting with
Ryan, thinking, "You can't get away with this; I'll make you do it." Some adults just give
in. In either case, there is a power struggle with a winner, a loser, or a slight pause while
each side gathers strength and ammunition to continue the battle. The third column of
the Mistaken Goal Chart lists the common reactions of adults to each of the four
mistaken goals' behaviors.
Your Child's Response to Your Ineffective Action
The next clue in deciphering a child's mistaken goal is how a child responds when
the adult tries to stop the misbehavior with punitive or permissive methods (instead of
Positive Discipline methods).
When the teacher at his child care center tells five-year-old Matthew, "Behave
yourself," Matthew usually responds by damaging his toys or knocking over other
children's blocks. Sometimes he even yells, "I hate you!" Matthew's mistaken goal is
revenge. The goal is revenge when a child reacts to an adult's actions by hurting others,
damaging property, or retaliating in some other way, such as using insulting words.
The fourth column of the Mistaken Goal Chart lists a child's typical responses to
ineffective intervention by adults for each mistaken goal behavior.
STICK TO THE SPIRIT OF THE PRINCIPLE
Sometimes it is hard to determine a child's mistaken goal. Don't be overly
concerned about getting the "right" answer, and don't get hung up in "analysis
paralysis." Observe carefully, and do the best you can. Remember, no one is perfect.
Learn to see your mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow.
Behavior never happens in a vacuum (whether you're a child or an adult); there
is a message behind the behavior, and the message involves some form of
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discouragement. No matter what the goal, it is always wise to use encouragement
through unconditional love, hugs, patience, and letting children know you have faith in
them.
SEEING THE POSSIBILITIES
No matter how hard you try, you will never force someone to change his
behavior, at least not more than superficially. And when behavior is tied to deeply held
beliefs, those beliefs will have to change before the behavior will. You may be able to
make a child stop banging his spoon against his cup by removing the cup, but if that
child believes he is important only when he is getting attention, he will surely be
banging his leg against the chair within the next five minutes.
Stopping a symptom provides only temporary relief from the condition. When a
child's deep need to feel belonging is satisfied, his mistaken method of reaching that
goal is no longer necessary. One of the most powerful ways to create a sense of
belonging is to spend special time together.
SPECIAL TIME
Since a misbehaving child is a discouraged child, the obvious solution for
misbehavior is encouragement. Often it is not necessary to deal with the misbehavior.
Instead, help the child feel encouraged and the misbehavior will disappear.
Each of us needs time with those we love. Quality time together affects the
health of family relationships ("Family Strengths: Often Overlooked, but Real," by
Kristin Anderson Moore, Ph.D., Rosemary Chalk, Juliet Scarpa, and Sharon Vandiver,
M.P.P., Child Trends Research Brief, August 2002). What do we mean by special time,
and what makes time together special? The three As of special time will help you create
meaningful special time with your child.
The three As of special time are:
1. Attitude
2. Attention
3. Alone
The first A is attitude. When you begin with an attitude that special time is
valuable and worthwhile and you take time to really connect with your child (or other
family member), the time you spend together takes on a truly special quality. It is this
quality of specialness that will help you create long-remembered and treasured
memories. Attitude (yours and your child's) makes special time a powerful tool in
strengthening each child's sense of belonging, the sort of feeling that comes from
meaningful connection to others. Special time tells a child that he is valued, loved, and
appreciated.
The second A, attention, means that special time will be more effective when you
can focus on being fully present with your child. Special time is a time to engage in an
activity without any outside competition for your attention: no other family members,
ringing phones, or scheduled commitments. Imagine filling up your child's heart and
spirit, as well as your own, with this special sharing of attention and love. Even a trip to
the grocery store can become special when you devote your full attention to being
together.
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The final A, alone, underscores the idea that special time is time spent away from
other family members, a shared time between one child and one adult. No matter how
big or small a family might be, time spent alone with a parent (or aunt, uncle, or
grandparent) is a treat.
Kim, age five, and her dad call the special day they spend together their "me and Daddy
date day." Twice a month Kim gets to spend the day alone with her dad while Mom and her little
brother stay behind. Kim and Dad stop at the library, selecting and reading books together; then
they head to the hardware store or lumberyard as Kim accompanies Dad on errands. They end
the day with ice-cream cones at their favorite confectionery. Even though their activities are not
focused only on Kim, the attitude they share toward this special time together, Dad's focused
attention, and Kim's chance to be alone with Dad make this day one to which they both look
forward.
Meanwhile, Mom is home with Kim's younger brother, Frankie, making cookies together.
Without his older sister around to push him away or do things he can't do yet, Frankie has the
opportunity to learn skills and enjoy special time alone in the kitchen with Mom. Special time can
be both simple and wonderful, as Kim and her family's experience so beautifully demonstrates.
The other part of special time is time. For busy parents, this may be the most
difficult part. Still, a wise person once said that love is spelled t-i-m-e. Where do we get
it? How much or how little is needed? If something is important to you, chances are
good that you will find time for it. Even in the busiest of lives, there is time for what
matters.
One mother of five reads to each child for ten minutes every night, less than an hour of
time spent reading. She cuddles with each child in the rocking chair in the corner of her bedroom
while the other children help with after-dinner chores. Each child knows when her ten minutes
are coming and is willing to honor the time Mom spends with the others. Interruptions are
rare—and Mom gets to spend her evenings lovingly connected with her children instead of all
alone in the kitchen, scouring the sink.
PLAN IT AND NAME IT
Special time does not require lots of time, but it is important that it be regarded
as special by both of you. You can let your child know you look forward to this as
much as she does: "I am glad we can have this special time together" or "It is a special
treat for me to go swimming with you." You can validate your child's unique skills:
"Isn't it great that you are older and can do so many things now that you couldn't do
when you were a baby?" (For an older child still adjusting to the arrival of a new baby,
such words will, be balm indeed!)
When your child wants some attention and you truly are too busy, it can be
comforting to your child when you say, "I can't right now, but I sure am looking
forward to our special time at 7:00."
SATISFACTION
Misbehavior requires a lot of energy from both children and adults and
generates some pretty intense feelings. Being chased around the playground or carried
kicking and screaming to bed might just seem better to a discouraged child than feeling
unimportant, unnoticed, and powerless. There are a number of ways to invite a child to
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form a new belief, depending upon the goal of her behavior. Possible solutions for each
mistaken goal are shown in the last column of the Mistaken Goal Chart. (You may find
this chart a useful addition to the front of your refrigerator.)
Getting into a child's world will help you interpret the meaning of your child's
behavior, especially if you can remember that not all undesirable behavior will be
misbehavior. When a discouraged child does misbehave, you can practice compassion
and discover more effective ways to respond. In the next two chapters we will examine
what each of the four mistaken goals looks like at home and in child care settings.
When you understand the message behind a child's misbehavior, you will be better
able to deal with it in loving and truly effective ways.
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9
MISTAKEN GOAL AT HOME
We've explored some of the reasons children occasionally misbehave. To
understand the coded messages behind your child's actions and to work with him
effectively, it is helpful to learn to recognize mistaken goals in real life. What do the
goals of misbehavior look like in your home? Get out your kaleidoscope and let's give
it a twist to see what happens when behavior is viewed from the perspective of the
mistaken goals. (Refer to the Mistaken Goals Chart on pages 144 and 145 as you learn.)
UNDUE ATTENTION, OR "I'LL KEEP YOU BUSY WITH ME!"
Mom, Catherine (age seven), and Ann (age five) are in the doctor's office because
Catherine has a fever and cough. Mom gets Catherine settled in the waiting room and gently
tucks her coat around her. She feels her forehead for fever and tries to help her feel as comfortable
as possible. Mom then sits down and begins to look through a magazine. Ann comes over with a
children's book she has found and asks her mom to read it to her. Mom says, "Not right now."
She reminds Ann that she was up most of the night with Catherine, and now she just wants to
look at her magazine.
Ann wanders away, but a few minutes later she begins to bounce up and down on the
couch. "Stop bouncing and sit quietly, Ann," Mom calls out. Ann stops bouncing but within
minutes she asks if she can sit on Mom's lap. Mom says, "No, of course not. You are much too
big a girl for that!" Mom gets up and goes over to Catherine to check on her fever again.
Then they are called into the examining room. As the three of them are waiting for the
doctor, Ann complains of a stomachache. Mom looks at her anxiously and feels her forehead.
When the doctor arrives to examine Catherine, Ann starts tugging on Mom's sleeve, saying she
has to go to the bathroom. Mom sighs loudly, gets up, and takes Ann down the hall to the
bathroom.
Ann's behavior certainly annoys her mother. What might Ann believe that
prompts her to act this way? Well, Ann has noticed Catherine getting a lot of attention.
Ann may have decided that Mom loves Catherine more. It certainly looks that way
from her perspective.
How do you think Mom is feeling right now? Annoyed? Irritated? Guilty? She
probably wishes she'd left Ann at home. How would Mom feel if she got into Ann's
world? What might she do differently?
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Ann's behavior is saying, "I want attention, too. I want to be noticed and to be a
part of what is going on." Ann believes that she belongs or matters only when she is
being noticed or when Mom is busy with her. This is the first of the four messages (or
mistaken goals): undue attention.
IDENTIFYING THE GOAL OF UNDUE ATTENTION
Ann's mother felt irritated and guilty, feelings listed in the second column of the
Mistaken Goal Chart. These feelings are significant because they are the first clue to
what is going on in this situation. When Mom and her daughters were at the doctor's
office, what sorts of things were taking place, and how did Mom react (column three of
the chart)? Mom asked Ann to sit quietly and stop bouncing on the sofa. Mom coaxed
Ann out of sitting on her lap by reminding her that she is a "big girl" now. Finally, she
walked her down the hall to the bathroom, which Ann may have been able to do on
her own. All of these were reactions to Ann's behavior. Children whose mistaken goal
is undue attention successfully keep the adults in their lives busy with them most of the
time. All children need their parents' attention, but they may not be seeking that
attention in positive, encouraging ways.
Look at the next column on the chart. What was Ann's response to her mother's
actions? Ann stopped each behavior when her mother told her to, but quickly
discovered another. The feelings and reactions of Ann's mother and Ann's responses to
her mother are clues that reveal the mistaken goal of undue attention.
The child who sends a coded message by seeking undue attention believes that
the only way he is able to count or belong is to keep others busy with him or to receive
some sort of special service. He is willing to accept any attention, even negative
attention, to achieve this goal. Peer through your kaleidoscope and picture this child
wearing a large sunbonnet covered with feathers, fruit, flowers, or flying dinosaurs.
There is a colorful banner on this hat. It says, "Notice me; involve me usefully."
"But wait a minute," parents often say when they learn their children's behavior
is focused on getting attention. "We give our kids lots of attention. We spend all our
free time with them; we read to them and play with them. How could they possibly
need more attention?" Actually, giving children excessive attention (even in the name of
love) may be part of the problem. Children with special needs or children who simply
are loved a great deal may receive huge amounts of adult attention. This is fine—as
long as it continues. When something happens to deflect adult attention even
momentarily (a telephone call, a doctor's appointment, a conversation with a friend),
children perceive this as a loss and do whatever they can to regain the usual amount. In
other words, it isn't necessarily true that children whose mistaken goal is undue
attention aren't receiving enough attention; they may actually be receiving so much
that it creates a need for special service all of the time!
Ann came to the conclusion that Mom loved her less than Catherine because
Catherine was receiving most of Mom's attention. Not surprisingly, Ann's behavior
reflects this belief. Attention becomes the measuring cup for love in Ann's world.
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Encouragement for Undue Attention Seekers
•
•
•
•
•
Use active listening to deal with the belief instead of the behavior.
Notice and compromise.
Involve the child to gain useful attention through cooperation.
Give a reassuring hug.
Encourage the child's ability to entertain and soothe himself.
RESPONDING TO THE MESSAGE
How can you give your child the attention and feeling of belonging he needs
without giving in to an endless stream of small annoyances? Now that you understand
the belief that prompts your child's mistaken goal of undue attention, you can respond
in ways that will encourage your child instead of reinforcing the mistaken belief. Here
are some things you can do.
Use Active Listening to Deal with the Belief Instead of the Behavior Let's go back
to the doctor's office. Mom could have chosen to deal with Ann's belief that Mom loved
her sister more rather than attempting to control Ann's behavior. One possibility might
be to practice active listening with Ann.
Active listening means getting into a child's world and making guesses about what she
might be feeling. It is important to check out your guesses. Mom could say, "It must be hard for
you to see me giving so much attention to Catherine. You might feel that I don't have any love
left for you." If Mom has guessed correctly, Ann will feel validated for her feelings. She may
even cry from relief as she acknowledges the truth of her mother's guess. She might then be able
to give up her belief that she doesn't have significance—and her need to misbehave.
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Notice and Compromise
Mom might tell Ann that she will read her one book as soon as Ann agrees to
look at another book quietly afterward and let her mother look at a magazine. This
form of limited special time offers appropriate attention while setting a boundary on
undue attention. By asking Ann to honor her need for some quiet time, her mother has
not just given in to Ann's demands for attention but has understood Ann's needs,
respectfully stated her own needs, and then reached a compromise.
Involve the Child to Gain Useful Attention
Through Cooperation Mom could invite Ann to help care
for her sick sister. (Do you remember the "Involve me"
sign on the hat?) She could ask Ann how they might help
Catherine feel more comfortable, involving her in the
process of caring for Catherine, Mom will be giving her a
meaningful role and directly meeting her need to feel
necessary and valued. Mom then might ask for Ann's
support by explaining how tired she is, and Ann might
offer to give her a neck rub or even read her mother a
story. When adults ask children for their help and
cooperation, children can be remarkably thoughtful.
These choices would create a sense of caring and
connection, rather than inviting further misbehavior.
Give a Reassuring Hug
Another choice might be to hug Ann and tell her that her mother loves her very
much. It can be very powerful to forget about the behavior and give a reassuring hug
that says, "You belong and you are significant in my life." This is often enough to stop
the misbehavior. A hug feels much better for everyone than nagging and lecturing.
Encourage the Child's Ability to Entertain and Soothe Himself
None of us is born knowing how to amuse ourselves; it takes time and
encouragement from parents and caregivers for children to learn this skill. Children
usually expect adults to provide constant entertainment and diversion, but if adults
comply, children may never learn how to occupy quiet moments or cure boredom for
themselves.
Encourage your child to learn to entertain himself—and recognize that this is a
process that will take time and patience. Provide story tapes and teach your child to
operate the tape player himself; let him explore the world of puzzles, art projects, and
quiet games. Then, when your child seeks undue attention, say, "I love you—and I have
faith in your ability to take care of yourself for a little while." It does take time, but a
child who has discovered ways to fill empty moments is less likely to demand that
adults do so. The ability to entertain himself is one your child will use for a lifetime.
MISGUIDED POWER, OR "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!"
Four-year-old Beverly is standing beside the computer, gazing curiously at the keyboard.
Interesting pictures and patterns move across the colored screen; Beverly has watched Mom and
Dad do this and is determined to try. She's been warned not to touch the computer, so she looks
carefully around her and, seeing no Mom in sight, gives the keyboard several taps.
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Mom turns the corner just in time to see this. She flies across the room, grabbing
Beverly firmly by the elbow, totally hooked by her small daughter's misbehavior. "I've told you
not to touch the computer! Now you've messed up my work," she says angrily, and lightly slaps
Beverly's hand. Beverly responds by twisting free of her mother's grip and smashing her small
fist down on the keyboard.
Mom, exasperated beyond belief, picks Beverly up and puts her into her room for a
punitive time-out. Beverly launches into a major tantrum; Mom storms out to repair her
damaged files. Right now, Mom is feeling angry and provoked—she has been defeated by a fouryear-old!
Beverly's behavior may have begun as a lack of impulse control. She knew she
was not supposed to touch the computer—but that rule could not override her impulse
to explore, touch, and learn. Mom's swift reaction changed things at once, triggering an
intense power struggle. Beverly's discouraged message becomes her misbehavior:
Beverly is saying, "I don't believe I am important unless I have power—or at least I
don't let you boss me around."
IDENTIFYING THE GOAL OF MISGUIDED POWER
When Beverly and her mom were struggling over the computer, her mom first
felt provoked and then defeated. Beverly's mother reacted with some power-filled
statements: "I've told you . ." and "You've messed up my work!" Beverly's response to
her mother's ineffective interventions was to intensify her own behavior. And the
battle raged on.
An important aspect of the mistaken goal of power is that both participants—
and note that it takes two—are determined to win. Neither is willing to give an inch.
When parent and child are locked in combat this way, the result is a power struggle.
The problem with power struggles is that if there's a winner, there also has to be a
loser. When the loser is a child you love, the victory may not be worth the price.
There is another interesting thing going on
here. It often surprises an adult involved in a power
struggle to discover that as he or she becomes more
and more irate, the child may in fact be deciding that
all of this hoopla is—fun! That's right, fun! Power
struggles generate a lot of energy, and the harder
the adult tries, the more obvious it becomes just how
much power the child has. This is a thrilling
discovery for children just experiencing their own
initiative.
If you have heard an impassioned "You're not
the boss of me!" shouted by a child, you might well
suspect that the goal involved is power. The child
whose goal is power can be imagined wearing a
bright orange hard hat. Printed in bold letters on this hat is the command "Let me help;
give me choices."
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Encouragement for Seekers of Misguided Power
•
•
•
•
•
Offer limited choices.
Turn misguided power to useful power by asking for help.
Shut your mouth and act–kindly and firmly.
Ask if a positive time-out would be helpful.
Make a date for problem solving
When four-year-old Beverly and her mom fought over the computer, they were
involved in one of a series of power struggles that might set the tone of their future
relationship. Fortunately, Beverly's mom learned about her own responsibility in
fueling their power struggle. She changed her behavior first, and thus opened the way
for Beverly to change her belief system and her behavior.
Offer Limited Choices
Beverly's mom sought out a parenting class and eventually learned how to
empower Beverly by giving her power in appropriate ways. She learned to give
Beverly limited choices and ask curiosity questions instead of demanding obedience:
"Mommy's work is for Mommy to do. Would you like to read a book or play with your
Legos?" or "What would you like to do while I work?"
Turn Misguided Power to Useful Power by Asking for Help
A power struggle can often be defused by asking a child for her help. Mom could
let Beverly know how much she needs her: "Honey, we are a family and you are so
important to me. I know you really want to touch the computer, but computers are
easy to damage. Mommy and Daddy need to be the only people who touch the
computer. But I'll bet there are ways you could help me with my work. Let's see what
we can find!" Asking for help or involving a child in the solution redirects both the child
and the parent away from a power struggle and toward the positive power of
cooperation. Demands invite resistance. Curiosity questions usually invite cooperation.
Shut Your Mouth and Act—Kindly and Firmly
Another way to disengage from a power struggle is to be firm and kind at the
same time. When Beverly pounded the computer keyboard, she was throwing down
the gauntlet, challenging her mom to fight. Instead of picking up the gauntlet, Mom can
stop.. talking and act. She can kindly but firmly pick Beverly up and take her into
another room. There need be no further mention of the computer until after a coolingoff period, which is often necessary before a child will listen to a limited choice or an
appeal for help.
By not lecturing or shaming her daughter, Mom does not invite further
resistance. Even if Beverly chooses to have a tantrum, Mom has defused the power
struggle by refusing to become engaged (or throwing her own mom-sized tantrum).
Children's tantrums are less likely when children feel the energy of kindness along with
firmness. This does not mean that tantrums can be entirely avoided, but avoiding a
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tantrum is not the goal. The goal is to kindly and firmly act upon what you have said.
You can also help your child find ways to cool off when strong emotions erupt.
Ask if a Positive Time-Out Would Be Helpful
When adults and children engage in power struggles, both have stopped
thinking rationally and are reacting irrationally. The neuronal connections needed for
logical thought and objectivity actually become unavailable when the brain is flooded
by strong emotion. Until everyone can cool off, effective problem solving will need to
be postponed; a positive time- out may be required before win-win solutions can be
found. Invite your child to help you create a positive time-out area (see Chapter 1).
Then, when power struggles occur, you can ask, "Would it help you to go to your cooloff spot until you calm down?" If your child has helped create a place to cool off and
understands that this kind of time-out is not punitive, she will often choose this option.
If your child says no, you might say, "Well, then I think I'll go to my room until I feel
better." What powerful role modeling that would be! Remember, it takes two to have a
power struggle. When you choose to calm down, your child can do so, too.
It is appropriate to follow up a positive time-out by working on a solution
together. Beverly and her mom might agree that Beverly can play her own computer
games when Mom is there to help, that Mom gets to have some uninterrupted time to
work, and that Beverly must ask Mom when she wants computer time.
Make a Date for Problem Solving
Problem solving with preschoolers can be accomplished by using curiosity
questions to help them explore what happened, what caused it to happen, and what
ideas they have to solve the problem. Four- and five-year-olds are also very good at
participating in family meetings (see Chapter 16). After a cooling-off period (or even at
the time of conflict), it might defuse the power struggle to ask, "Would you like to put
this problem on our family meeting agenda, or would you like me to?" Not only does
putting the problem on the family meeting agenda give everyone a cooling-off period,
but you can then work together on solutions at the meeting.
REVENGE, OR "I'LL MAKE YOU FEEL AS BAD AS I DO!"
It is bedtime, and Dad is helping three-year-old Alice get ready. Dad says it is time to put
on her jammies, but Alice is having great fun playing
with bubbles in the sink and doesn't want to stop. Just
as Dad is becoming impatient, Alice spills a cup of
water on the floor. Dad immediately becomes angry,
thinking Alice spilled the water on purpose. He picks
Alice up and spanks her. Alice begins to cry, and Dad
has to wrestle her into the pajamas as she kicks and
struggles.
When Alice is finally in her pajamas, Dad
grumpily picks up a book for a bedtime story. Alice's
lower lip juts out. "I hate that book," she pouts, "and I
don't want you to read to me! I want Mommy!" What a
blow! Dad feels terrible; his own daughter doesn't love him. He is hurt and disbelieving.
Alice may be saying, "Daddy hurt me, so I'll hurt him back" in the only way she
knows. This is the third of the four mistaken goals: revenge.
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IDENTIFYING REVENGE
Dad was shocked that Alice would deliberately spill water all over the floor. He
was trying his best to get Alice to bed while his wife was working late, and now, on top
of everything else, his feelings are hurt. He regrets having spanked Alice. He didn't like
doing it, but he didn't know how else to respond to her behavior.
First of all, did Alice deliberately spill the water? Young children spill a lot of
things. Their muscle control is still developing. If Dad had understood the
developmental nature of Alice's action, he might have understood that Alice simply had
an accident or made a mistake; he could have helped her get a sponge to clean up the
puddle. Working together to mop up the spill might even have distracted Alice enough
that the jammies would go on easily.
Even if Alice had deliberately spilled water, spanking is unlikely to help matters
much. Spanking teaches children that might makes right. It can invite many responses,
and few of them are what parents intend. In this case, a spanking invited revenge. Both
Alice and her dad wound up feeling hurt.
Encouragement for Revenge Seekers
•
Deal with the hurt feelings.
•
Apologize if you caused the pain.
•
Listen to your child's feelings
•
Make sure the message of love gets through.
•
Make amends, not excuses.
Whenever an adult feels hurt by the behavior of a child, it is likely that the child
is feeling hurt, too. As you examine Dad's feelings and reactions and Alice's response,
you will see the clues that indicate the mistaken goal of revenge.
When you picture the child whose goal is revenge, imagine a black baseball cap
turned backward. On the back is written the plea "Help me, I'm hurting; acknowledge
my feelings."
When adults can begin to see a child who is hurtful as a hurting child, they feel
motivated to respond to that child differently. Instead of giving in to the instinctive
desire for retaliation and punishment, they can choose to offer care and support. If a
child is feeling hurt, does it make sense to make that child feel worse?
Deal with the Hurt Feelings
First of all, Dad can move to the heart of the matter by dealing with Alice's hurt
feelings. Dad could say, "It looks like you're feeling very hurt right now. I'll bet it hurt
your feelings as well as your bottom when I spanked you." Getting into her world and
acknowledging her feelings is validating for a child, and she is likely to feel
understanding, belonging, and significance.
Apologize if You Caused the Pain
Alice's dad really does love his daughter, and he immediately regretted spanking
her. His attitude will invite Alice to change her beliefs when he takes responsibility for
his own behavior by apologizing. Dad can tell Alice that it was wrong of him to spank
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her. Dad can reassure her that it is wrong for people to hurt each other, even when
they're angry or hurt.
Responding to the belief behind a child's behavior (instead of reacting to the
behavior itself with punishment or lectures) will require that you give up the notion
that you can or should control your child. You must also decide for yourself that
teaching and encouragement are more effective responses than punishment. Making
this change— especially if you were raised with old-fashioned ideas—will take some
time. Be patient with yourself, acknowledge your mistakes, and be willing to learn from
them.
If you have never had the experience of apologizing to a child, swallow your
pride, admit that adults aren't always right, and apologize the next time you make a
mistake with your child. Children are delightfully quick to forgive, and you may
discover that the hugs that follow apologies bring you even closer.
Listen to Your Child's Feelings
Dad might take a moment to observe his small daughter closely. He may notice
Alice's jutting lip, trembling chin, and the tears beginning to fill her eyes. And he can
ask Alice—with genuine interest—how she is feeling. If she is too young to articulate
her feelings, he can ask her if she thinks that Daddy doesn't love her. Alice will
probably respond with a verbal (or nonverbal) signal that lets her dad know he has
understood correctly. He could have asked Alice why she threw water on the floor in
the first place. She might explain, "It spilled" or "It was an accident." Most likely Dad's
irritation would have melted upon hearing answers like those. When Dad and Alice
have this kind of conversation, they are developing a new sense of trust.
When a child is feeling hurt, it is difficult for her to move beyond her emotions to
solutions. Therefore, it is important to address the feelings first.
Make Sure the Message of Love Gets Through
Dad has a chance to tell Alice how much he loves her and how important she is
to him. When a child is feeling hurt, this message can do so much to heal the pain. Dad
also can share how he felt. When Dad can listen to and respect Alice's feelings and then
explain his own, each will learn a great deal about the other. The love connection is
rekindled.
If Dad tries these new ideas, he just might find himself snuggling close to his
precious daughter as they read a bedtime story together. Even a painful and damaging
experience can be healed when the message of love and caring gets through.
Make Amends, Not Excuses
Whether or not Alice spilled the water intentionally, once she and her dad have
dealt with their feelings they will need to address the mess. Dad might offer to help her
wipe up the spill or supply her with a mop or sponge so she can do so herself. If Alice
resorts to tears or retreats into hurt feelings again, her dad can make this encounter an
opportunity to teach (rather than continuing the revenge cycle) by kindly and firmly
continuing to help Alice clean up the puddle, and then wordlessly continuing with her
regular bedtime routine.
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ASSUMED INADEQUACY: "I GIVE UP"
Jean lives with her grandparents and today is her fifth birthday. When she enters
the kitchen, her grandparents eagerly watch for her reaction to the brand-new bike
proudly displayed in the center of the room. Jean looks anxiously around and doesn't
comment on the bike. Grandmother impatiently asks, "Well, what do you think? Do
you like it?" Jean doesn't respond. Grandma then says in a coaxing voice, "Jean, look at
your wonderful new bike." Jean shakes her head and mumbles, "I can't ride a bike."
Grandpa rushes over to reassure Jean, "That's no problem, sweetie, you'll learn in no
time." Jean says nothing and does not go near the bike. Her grandparents look at each
other in exasperation and shrug. "What's the use?" they think, and Grandpa dejectedly
begins to pour Jean's cereal and milk for her.
Jean's grandparents have been convinced to give up on her. They feel hopeless
about themselves and about Jean. Somehow Jean has come to believe that she is not
"good enough," that she is truly helpless. She acts upon this belief by convincing others
of her inadequacy. Jean's grandparents love her, but they mistakenly believe that the
best way to show that love is to do things for her, such as pouring her cereal and milk,
that she could easily do for herself.
Of all the four goals or messages, children displaying assumed inadequacy are
often the most overlooked—and the most discouraged. They usually don't create the
havoc that children acting upon the other three goals do. Children communicating this
message may become nearly invisible.
This goal is rarely found in children younger than age five unless they are given
little or no opportunity to develop a sense of autonomy. It can be especially baffling
when highly productive and goal-oriented parents see this behavior in their child. What
parents value as personal drive and determination may overwhelm their children and
convince them that they are truly incapable—that they can never measure up to
expectations. This creates the fourth mistaken goal: assumed inadequacy, or giving up.
IDENTIFYING ASSUMED INADEQUACY
Jean's grandparents try not to feel hopeless, but Jean looks so discouraged. They
do their best to protect her and to make up for the fact that her parents aren't around.
Grandma and Grandpa react to Jean's helpless behavior by doing things for her.
Grandpa pours her milk and cereal; Grandma dresses her every morning. They supply
Jean's every need. They buy her things and make plans and choices in which she has no
participation. Jean's response is to retreat further, to act passively, and to refuse to try
anything new. The feelings, reactions, and responses all give clues that the behavior is
assumed inadequacy.
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"Help Me Put Things Right"
Q. My four-year-old threw his cup of juice onto
the floor when I told him it was time for his nap. The cup
cracked and broke. I think his feelings were hurt because
he didn't get to go to the park this morning. I want to
respond to his hurt feelings, but I don't think his
behavior should go unpunished.
A. Sometimes adults take the approach that if a
child misbehaves for a mistaken purpose, he is Jib longer
responsible for his actions. Ignoring misbehavior does
not teach life skills. Nor does punishment which
translated usually means You must suffer." What does
help is to give children the opportunity to make amends.
If an item is damaged, it is appropriate to work
out a way for the child to replace or repair it. That might
mean doing a few helpful tasks to earn the money—even
small children can do some small jab—or taking the
money out of his piggy bank. Or it might mean helping
come up with a plan to repair the damage, such as
patching a tear in a book,
All of these solutions focus on teaching
responsibility. Spanking, shaming, yelling, or taking away television for a week does
not achieve the same life lesson. With theist punishments, a child might learn fear of
retaliation, escalate to more hurtful behavior himself, or decide that he is a 'bad" person.
None of these outcomes includes learning to take responsibility for his actions.
Children feel so much better about themselves when they are given a chance to
put things right. If this is done in a spirit of love instead of anger, a child can regain a
measure of self-esteem in the process. Few children feel pleased with themselves when
they lose control of their behavior They need encouragement to learn from their
mistakes, and tools to repair the dam, age, while parents need to change their attitude
of shame and blame to one of support and true discipline.
Children who develop a belief in their own inadequacy may believe that because
they cannot do things perfectly, they might as well give up. When children understand
that mistakes are part of how everyone learns, they can break the power of the
perfection myth.
It is easy to understand how a child who is constantly criticized might develop
the belief that she can't do anything right. Criticism is not always overt. As a toddler,
Jean was always dressed in beautifully ironed, frilly dresses. She was admonished to
"keep clean" and her grandmother would become very upset when Jean got paint or
food on her clothing. Jean's perception was that messy was "bad." Because she was
often messy, Jean eventually began to believe in her own inadequacy. It seemed that
every time she tried to paint a picture or pour her own juice, she made a mess. Jean
decided that she couldn't do anything well.
The child who pursues this mistaken goal may be pictured wearing a drabcolored ski hat pulled far down over her face. What you will find stitched on the front
(if you look closely enough) is "Don't give up on me—show me a small step."
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Feeling inadequate and giving up is a very lonely place to be. Since their goal is
to be left alone, these children are rarely much trouble to others and are often
overlooked. There are many things parents can do to meet this child's needs.
Have Faith in Your Child and Let Her Do Things for Herself
Parents may not realize that doing too much for children (usually in the name of
love) is discouraging. A child may adopt the belief
"I'm not capable" when adults insist on doing things for her that she could do
herself. Another possible belief is "I am loved only when others are doing things for
me."
It may be helpful to remember that self-esteem comes from having skills, and
that pampering a child actually discourages her. Stop doing things for your child that
she can do for herself and make room for her to practice—even when she does things
imperfectly. When she says, "I can't," have patience; say, "I have faith that you can handle this task." Encouraging a child who believes that she is inadequate requires a great
deal of patience, gentle perseverance, and faith in the child's abilities.
Take Time for Training and Encourage Even the Smallest Steps
It is not surprising that Jean does not know how to ride a bicycle; no one learns
without teaching and practice. Instead of feeling frustrated, Grandma might share a
story about her own experiences learning to ride a bike. Perhaps she could tell Jean
how she felt the first time she fell and her brothers and sister laughed. When Grandma
shares her own story, she is also telling Jean that feeling embarrassed is okay and that
everyone has to learn how to do new things. Staying on a pedestal may be good for
your image, but it can cripple the growth of closeness and trust.
How you react to your own mistakes and struggles is important. Your child is
watching and may believe you always succeed easily (and feel inadequate because he
does not). Or he may watch you try something and meet with repeated failure. How
you react—whether you can laugh at yourself and keep on trying or whether you give
up in discouragement—will give him clues about his own experiences. Never
underestimate the power of role modeling.
Encouragement for Assumed Inadequacy
•
•
•
Have faith in your child and let her do things for herself
Take time for training and encourage even the smallest steps.
Teach that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.
Children who have already developed the belief "I'm inadequate" may resist
attempts at training. This is why small steps are important. Grandpa might start by
letting Jean sit on the bike inside the house. He might be sure the bike has training
wheels and show Jean how they work. Before starting her down the block, he can
reassure her that he will not let go until she is ready. He might also teach her how to
pour her own milk (from a small pitcher). Remember that when teaching new skills,
especially to discouraged youngsters, it helps to make every attempt to foresee
problems—and to ensure a child's success.
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Teach That Mistakes Are Wonderful Opportunities to Learn
What is your attitude toward your own mistakes? Most people learn much more
from what they see than what they hear. Criticism (even "constructive criticism") is
difficult to accept. For a child who believes she is inadequate, criticism only reinforces
her belief in her inadequacy. One of the best ways to help a discouraged child is to stop
all criticism.
If Jean messes her dress up with paint or mud, Grandma may consider dressing
her in more durable clothes. What a great message it would send if Grandma could
learn to say, "Wow, you are covered with paint! You must have had a great time
painting today."
Family members also can share mistakes on a regular basis. During dinnertime
each person can take turns sharing a mistake and what they learned from it. This can
create a sense of fun and learning—and a much improved attitude about mistakes.
BE AWARE OF THE HIDDEN MESSAGE
"Whew," you may be saying, "I had no idea there was so much going on in my
child's head when he acts that way." It is important to understand that children do not
consciously decide to pursue one of the mistaken goals; they are only rarely aware of
their own beliefs and are not out to baffle their parents with a game of "guess my goal."
It also takes time to translate awareness of your child's mistaken goal into kind, firm,
and encouraging action.
When parents can be aware of the message hidden in their child's behavior and
when they can observe their own feelings and reactions, then they can take steps to
encourage a discouraged child and to celebrate a child's willingness to take risks and
make mistakes. In so doing, parents nurture children who believe they are capable,
lovable, and worthwhile.
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11
"YOU CAN'T COME TO MY BIRTHDAY
PARTY!"
Social Skills for Preschoolers
“Will you be my friend?" Every preschool teacher has heard this plea. It can
cause a tug on the heart—or annoyance at what may seem like a bid for undue
attention. Actually, a child's need for friendship and social skills is part of normal and
appropriate development.
The preschool years are filled with astonishing growth, and that growth can be
traced in the development of friendships. The acquisition of social skills happens in
predictable phases, and it happens much less painfully when adults understand a child's
developing abilities. Caring adults can offer training, patience, and encouragement
during this period of social skill development, a time sometimes fraught with tearstreaked faces, thrown toys, and grim tugs-of-war.
WHAT DOES FRIENDSHIP MEAN TO YOUNG CHILDREN?
When children are two or younger, they don't really have friends, even though
they may find themselves surrounded by classmates at child care, the children of
parents' acquaintances, or neighbors with whom they are plopped down to "play" with
while the adults socialize. Between the ages of two and three, children begin to interact
with their peers as objects of curiosity or exploration, which could include poking,
biting, grabbing toys, or throwing sand—not effective components of friendship. They
may engage in parallel play—playing individually next to another child.
At three, friendships begin to emerge; they
are often organized by adults and may be fleeting,
but the seeds of real relationship have been planted,
and some children do begin to build real connections
with peers. By age four, children will begin to build
more lasting friendships, often with two or three
favorite playmates.
Learning for preschoolers often seems to
involve opposites—they learn one skill and its
opposite at the same time. In the case of friendship,
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this means that the blossoming of connection through friendship also brings with it a
negative side—that of exclusion. There is no greater statement of friendship from a preschooler than "You can come to my birthday party." She is saying, "I like you enough to
share the most important day in my world: the celebration of me!" Unfortunately,
preschoolers also learn that leaving another child out provides a sense of power or the
opportunity for revenge.
Jenna is four and a half years old. It is June and her birthday is not until December. Even
so, hardly a day goes by that Jenna does not invite—or uninvited—someone at her preschool to
her birthday party. When a parent wandered in to discuss enrolling her daughter, Jenna
immediately went up to the new girl and said, "I'm going to be five. You can come to my party."
A short while later, however, when Jenna's friend Ilsa won't share the dress-up clothes, Jenna
sticks out her lip and announces in a voice of doom, "You can't come to my birthday!" Ilsa
trembles at such a threat and quickly hands over one of the scarves.
Birthday invitations (or the threat of their withdrawal) are an early social tool.
They represent an offer of mutual companionship and acceptance—and its opposite,
momentary rejection. Because children at this age are unskilled at identifying and
saying how they feel, this birthday threat and others like it serves two purposes. It says,
"I am mad, sad, or upset in some way." It also serves as a tool to manipulate others to
do one's bidding: "If you don't let me use the swing, you can't come to my birthday."
As children mature and gain social and emotional skills, they learn to interact in more
cooperative ways.
By the age of five, stronger friendships develop. This stage of friendship
coincides with the increasingly strong emotions young children experience and sparks
can fly when such powerful aspects of development coincide. By age five, children may
focus on one playmate with whom they have a special relationship or they may have a
special circle of friends.
Sergio and Kenneth are best buddies. Each watches for the arrival of the other at the child
care center in the morning. They greet each other by rolling around on the floor in mock combat,
or they quickly run off to begin a new Lego tower. They want to sit next to each other at group
time, and their teacher sometimes has to remind them that if they can't sit together quietly, they
will have to sit apart. Sergio and Kenneth are together all through the day; theirs is a wonderful
and important early friendship.
A common problem evolves when three children are friends and one gets left
out. Lauren's parents will hear anguish in her voice when she tells them that Erin and
May are going swimming together; being left out is very painful. (By the next day, the
hurt feelings are usually resolved and the friendship continues to thrive.) Rejection can
be a painful social tool, and these later years of preschool require adults to model and
coach children in the use of problem-solving techniques to work out the differences that
will arise and to encourage healthy social interactions. Interestingly, gender also
appears to influence social interactions. Several studies have shown that girls are more
likely to use relationships and rejection as forms of aggression, while boys are more
likely to fight, argue—and make up quickly.
Hal, Allan, and Shelley are also pals. They chase one another around the playground and
are an inseparable team. Shelley is the clear leader of this threesome; she is frequently the one
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who chooses the game to be played and makes the rules. The wise teacher knows that if he wants
to get these three interested in a new activity, the one to convince is Shelley.
Special friendships form important foundations for many of life's relationships
and provide a way for children to experiment with different roles. Just because Allan
chooses to follow Shelley's lead now, for instance, doesn't mean he will never be a
leader. It's just one of the roles he's trying on for size.
Social skills do not come without practice, and there will be many yelps of
complaint and tearful faces. If adults focus not on playing the rescuer or referee but on
nurturing healthy children who feel influential and capable, they will be helping
children acquire the social skills they need to achieve a sense of belonging in a world of
relationships.
PLAYTIME: A STAGE FOR SOCIALIZATION
Children's play is actually a laboratory where intensive research about roles and
relationships is taking place. Playing is an activity that will form the foundation of their
future interactions with others—it definitely is not meaningless or wasted time. Still,
there will be rough spots, and most parents and caregivers can tell stories like this one.
Four-year-old Sharon came home with a scraped and bleeding knee one afternoon; her
best friend, Jamie, had pushed her off the swing. Her mother's first instinct was to call the
preschool teacher and complain. After all, weren't they supposed to be watching the children?
Fortunately for Sharon, her mom was more interested in helping her learn life skills than
in blaming others for social conflicts. She sat down next to Sharon and asked, "Honey, can you
tell me what happened?"
"Jamie got off the swing and I got on," Sharon said, then added defensively, "She wasn't
using it anymore."
Mom suppressed a smile, suddenly realizing where this story might be going. "Do you
know why Jamie got off the swing?" "To get her jacket," was the calm response.
As Mom suspected, when Jamie came back with her jacket she found Sharon on "her"
swing and pushed her off. Mom took a moment to validate her daughter's feelings. "I'll bet it was
scary when Jamie pushed you. Maybe you felt that she wasn't your friend anymore."
Sharon's lip quivered. "Uh-huh," she said, and burst into tears. When her crying had
subsided and she felt better, Sharon and her mom explored what happened. Mom asked if Sharon
might have done something other than get on the swing when Jamie got off. Sharon thought for a
moment and decided that she could have held the swing for Jamie until she got back.
"What might have happened if you held the swing for Jamie?" Mom asked.
"Jamie would have gotten back on," Sharon said.
"Would Jamie have pushed you off?"
Sharon shook her head. She could see that the results would have been different if she had
behaved differently. Mom agreed that it was wrong of Jamie to push Sharon and helped her
daughter understand that she could have told Jamie clearly, "No pushing." Mom has helped
Sharon understand that she has choices that can affect the outcome of a situation. In other
words, Sharon has personal power and influence. By talking this through with Sharon rather
than rushing in to rescue her, Sharon's mother has helped her to feel capable.
It is important that parents avoid training children to see themselves as victims,
helpless to change or affect what happens to them. Sharon's mother could have rushed
to call (and blame) her daughter's preschool, and in the process might have encouraged
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her daughter to develop a victim mentality. Sharon might need some help, but not
through sympathy, blaming others, or being rescued. She is learning how to interact in
social situations, and parents and teachers should help her explore for herself what is
happening, how she feels about it, what she is learning from it, and what ideas she has
to solve the problem. Adults can help children learn from these early friendship experiments that they are not powerless and that the choices they make in life affect what
they experience.
VICTIMS AND BULLIES
As early as preschool, however, children learn to use exclusion and physical
threats to gain and maintain control over others. These behaviors plant the earliest
seeds of bullying. Children need the help of parents and teachers to learn that they do
have choices and personal power, which makes them less likely to become the targets
of bullies. If adults rescue children instead of teaching them skills and helping them
recognize the power they do have, they may unintentionally encourage children to
become victims, After all, bullies need victims to be successful.
Marcie learned that she could get lots of attention when she complained to her
mother that another child had hit her. Her mother would hug her, call her "my poor
baby," and then call the preschool or neighbor (if the incident had happened at a
friend's house), enraged that there had not been adequate supervision to protect
Marcie. The teacher or neighbor would promise to be more vigilant.
One week Marcie's teacher, Joe, saw something very different happen on the
preschool playground. As Joe watched from a corner of the yard, he saw Marcie trip
and fall. When Joe went over to help her, Marcie said, "Bruce pushed me." Joe was
astounded. Bruce had not been anywhere nearby. Marcie had decided that she liked the
pity and attention of being a victim and was prepared to lie to get it.
Of course, children do need adult protection and supervision; at some point,
Marcie probably was hit by another child. It is appropriate for a concerned parent to
speak to other adults about such a problem. But at this age it is equally important to
empower children to solve problems.
Marcie can learn to say, "Stop! Don't hit me." She can ask an adult for help, and
the adult can coach Marcie in expressing her feelings: "That hurt me. I feel angry." The
adult can help Marcie say what she does want: "I want to play without being hit or
hurt." By focusing on healthy problem-solving methods and teaching children to
understand and express their feelings, you can prevent bullying by not reinforcing it.
Other problem-solving skills include naming and expressing one's feelings in words and
learning to have empathy for others. Children can also learn the important skill of
focusing on solutions (rather than blame). Empathy and compassion will continue to
develop throughout childhood and adolescence but can be encouraged as soon as your
child enters the world of peers and friendship. Many of these skills are enhanced
through family and class meetings (see Chapter 16).
The preschool years are a good time to talk openly about bullying. During a
family or class meeting you can invite children to talk about how others feel when they
are bullied, why they think someone might choose bullying behavior, and how they
could solve the problem.
In one preschool, the children often expressed anger at Joshua for knocking down their
block towers and stomping on their sand castles. One day Joshua was absent, and the teacher
decided to use this as an opportunity to help her students practice compassion and problem
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solving. During a class meeting she asked, "Why do you think Joshua does things that hurt other
people's feelings?"
One observant little girl said, "Maybe he doesn't have any friends." (Joshua was new to
the school and the other children avoided him because of his aggressive behavior.)
Another said, "Maybe he hasn't learned to use his words."
The teacher then asked, "How many of you would be willing to help Joshua?" Every child
raised his or her hand. (Children love the opportunity to help.)
The teacher said, "I'll talk to Joshua and ask if he would be willing to join us in
brainstorming for solutions to this problem. Meanwhile, what could you do to help Joshua?"
Several children suggested that they would be his friend and would invite Joshua to play
with them. They also decided that they could use their words and tell him how they felt when he
destroyed things, to ask him to stop—or to help them rebuild if they were too late.
The teacher decided to see how their plan worked before talking with Joshua and found
that the problem diminished so profoundly that she didn't have to bring it up again. Joshua's
aggressiveness began to blossom into leadership; he offered many suggestions for solving other
problems that came up on the class meeting agenda. He learned to feel a sense of belonging
through the children's efforts at friendship, and to use his power in helpful ways.
"BUT NOBODY LIKES ME"
As we've mentioned, children's friendships are social skills laboratories— and
not all of their experiments turn out well. Scraped knees and hurt feelings come with
the territory. When you can avoid playing superparent or superteacher and help
children learn from their mistakes, you will be teaching them to feel capable and
competent.
Carla is five. One day when her mother is getting her ready to go to preschool, Carla
resists. She says she doesn't want to go because she has no friends and no one likes her.
Carla's parents and teachers must figure out what is really happening. If, in fact,
Carla does not have playmates, the adults in her life can help her understand why. A
child who is hurting others or who refuses to cooperate in games is not a welcome
playmate, but such children can be taught more effective ways of relating to their peers.
Children who are successful at social relationships often learn to watch a game in
progress and then join in by creating a role for themselves. Angela, for instance, spends
a few moments watching her playmates play house, then offers to bake cookies for the
others. She smoothly blends into the game in progress.
Emma is less skilled at doing this. She bounces over to a group of children and
says, "Can I play?" She is often told no because the others don't want to be interrupted
by having to create a role for Emma. Helping a child develop social skills will help her
find belonging in her peer group, a need that, if not met, can result in the mistaken goal
behaviors of undue attention, power, revenge, and assumed inadequacy.
A child like Carla may actually be a welcome playmate who simply does not see
herself that way. Class meetings may be helpful in dealing with this situation at
preschool but a parent confronted with this dilemma might need a different approach.
For instance, Carla's dad might ask her, "What makes you believe that the other
children don't like you?" or "What do you think it means to be someone's friend?"
Together they can explore Carla's perceptions of friendship and then examine her
experiences. "I noticed that today Adrian asked you to play on the swings with him.
Why do you think he did that?" Carla now has an opportunity to compare her
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perceptions with what has actually happened. Teachers may also be able to offer
information about positive experiences that happened during the day.
PLAYDATES
The playdate has become part of modern life. Children today may not have lots
of siblings or other children living nearby, and inviting a child over to play is a way of
helping children form friendships and practice social skills. Children feel a greater sense
of kinship when they share time together in different settings. Carla's parents could
invite one of her schoolmates to go to the zoo with them or perhaps to spend a
Saturday afternoon playing with Carla's new playhouse. The increased closeness that
results often will translate into more playtime at preschool as well. When a child
initiates her own playdate, it is a milestone of social development.
Six-year-old Leyla burst through the door announcing, "My friend is here for a
playdate!" She was breathless with excitement and so was her friend, Zoya. They raced through
the house, and Leyla could hardly show her friend each room fast enough. Even Leyla's mom,
Fauziah, was excited and a bit anxious. Zoya was in Leyla's kindergarten class at her new
school. Fauziah usually knew Leyla's friends from their mosque, Leyla's old preschool, or
because they were family friends; this was the first time Leyla had formed a friendship all by
herself. Leyla's playdate with Zoya had a triumphant feeling for both mother and daughter, and
it was an important benchmark in Leyla's social development.
THE LESS-THAN-LOVABLE FRIEND
Children sometimes choose friends who pose a problem for parents. Sometimes
your child will actively dislike or quarrel often with another child—or you may not care
for the way your own child behaves when with a particular playmate. If your child's
friendship results in exceptionally rowdy behavior or aggressiveness, it is helpful to set
clear expectations.
Caleb just loved to play with Derek, who lived down the street. Derek was a wild little
guy who was very physical. The two four-year-olds inevitably wound up running recklessly
around the house or wrestling on the lawn, and more than once toys were broken and Caleb
returned scraped, bumped, and bruised. Caleb's mother wasn't very happy about this friendship, especially since Derek was the only child with whom this sort of play occurred. Caleb's
mom decided not to rescue Caleb but to establish clear guidelines about what she would allow
when the boys played at her house.
One quiet morning, Mom sat down with Caleb and explained her feelings and her
concerns for the boys' safety. She then clearly explained her expectations to Caleb, gently having
him repeat them back to her to be sure he understood.
She established three rules: no bad names, no making fun of people, and no rough play.
Mom and Caleb agreed that when Caleb or Derek chose not to follow the rules, Derek would have
to go home. Derek would wait in the den and Caleb would wait in his room until Derek's mother
could come to get him.
The plan was discussed with Derek and his mother, who agreed with the rules. Now both
moms needed to plan ways to follow through when necessary. It is the nature of learning (and
young children) that Caleb and Derek would need to see if the plan was for real. They might play
nicely once or even twice, but eventually the rules would have to be tested.
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Sure enough, the day came when Caleb joined Derek in climbing on the countertop.
Caleb refused to get down when his mother asked him and threw in a "You're a butt-head" for
good measure.
Caleb was given the choice of walking to his room or being carried there. Mom pointed
kindly but firmly to the sofa, where Derek could wait for his mother. There was no reminder or
warning necessary, since both boys knew the expectations and consequences. Derek's mom
arrived at the front door quickly and escorted Derek home. Now both boys had learned that their
parents really meant what they said and that their behavior would have to change. If it didn't,
Caleb and Derek would lose the opportunity to play at each other's houses.
"HEY, LOOK AT ME!": SHOWING OFF
Some children seem to have inherited "peacock genes." They act as though
strutting their stuff is the best way to succeed with others.
Q. My four-year-old son seems to totally forget everything we have taught him
when he gets together with his peers. He is so excited to be with them that he tries to
show off by misbehaving intentionally in their presence. He turns a deaf ear to all
grown-ups and will stop goofing off only if we raise our voices very loud. What action
can we take to stop this behavior?
A. Your son is becoming more interested in interacting with his peers than in
paying attention to adults, which is developmentally appropriate. Understanding this
fact will help you decide how to respond to your young show-off.
It would probably be a good start to stop using the very loud voice. When you
want your son's attention, kindly and gently take him aside, get down to his eye level,
and establish eye contact. Explain the problem, what you would like him to do, and
what you will do. In other words, explain that the yelling indoors must stop. If it
continues, you will have to take him home. (If you are not willing to actually leave,
perhaps you can go into another room with him where he can calm himself before
rejoining the play.) This plan will work only if you can speak to him respectfully and
privately, so that he is not tempted to continue misbehaving out of embarrassment—
and if you follow through.
"WHERE DO I FIT?": THE SOCIAL SIGNIFICANCE OF BIRTH ORDER
The family is often the laboratory where children first experiment with social
skills—and brothers and sisters are the guinea pigs. Where children fit in their families is
one factor in how they approach relationships with each other, and with the wider
world outside the family.
In these preschool years children are making many of the decisions about
themselves and others that will influence the rest of their lives. They are asking
themselves, "What must I do to find a sense of belonging and significance in this
family—and with my friends? Am I cute and adorable, or less than lovely? Am I good
enough or must I keep trying harder—or should I just give up?" Preschoolers will carry
the answers to those questions with them into the world around them, and they will
practice what they are learning as they explore social relationships. (For more
information on birth order, see Chapter 3.)
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SIBLING FIGHTS
Are brothers and sisters a blessing or a curse? Most children occasionally
wonder. Brothers and sisters are forever; most of them will outlive their parents, and
children usually learn their first lessons about friendship through their relationships
with their siblings.
It is heartwarming to see eighteen-month-old Timmy go up to his four-year-old
sister and say, "Wuv you, Bef." It isn't so heartwarming to watch Timmy pull Beth's hair
when she tries to rescue her favorite book from his clutches. When children are three to
six years old, sibling fighting is the result of their immature social skills, mistaken ways
to find their place in the family, and the reactions of the adults involved.
Social skills training is important for siblings, especially because of the unique
aspect that sharing (and vying for) a parent's love and attention brings to their conflicts.
(Keep in mind that sibling fighting is not the same as sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry is
about the decisions each child in the family makes based on his or her birth order and
role in family life—and can be a hidden basis for sibling fights.)
It is helpful when parents learn to see sibling fighting for what it usually is.
Young children sometimes tussle as they investigate their relationship with each other.
Parents can stay out of the rescuer role simply by leaving the room. Taking a quiet
moment elsewhere eliminates the audience—and sometimes the struggle.
A Parent with Arguing Children Can Use One of the Following Throe
Options
•
•
•
Beat it. You can choose to leave the area It is amazing how many children
stop fighting when they lose their audience. Don't be surprised if they
follow you. This is why Rudolf Dreikurs suggested that the bathroom is
the molt important room in the house—it's sometimes the only room
with a loci( on the door. If your children pound on the door, you may
want to jump into the shower or stuff your ears with Kleenex while you
read a good novel (If you choose these methods, it is a good idea to tell
your children, in advance, that this is what you will do when they fight.)
You then may want to discuss fighting and problem solving at a family
meeting
Bear it This is the most difficult option because it means staying in the
same room without jumping in to stop the fight or fix the problem_ When
children are fighting in a car, bearing it may mean pulling to the side of
the road and reading for a while, telling your children, "I'll drive as soon
as you are ready to stop fighting." The hard part is keeping your own
mouth shut until they say they are ready.
End the bout or boot 'em out If things are simply getting too heated and
you're worried about their safety (or your house's), you can send both
children to cool off somewhere, or they can go outside if they want to
continue their fight. Or they can "end the bout," an option they have at
any time (See Raymond Corsini and Genevieve Pointer, The Practical
Parent, Simon & Schuster, 1984)
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If the noise level and fear of mayhem is too great to ignore, try giving the
children a big hug. "What?" you may say, "reward them for fighting?" Not exactly. If
your children are competing for your attention, try giving it in an unexpected way.
While hugging them, say, "I bet the two of you would like my attention right now Next
time, try telling me with your words instead of hurting one another." Acting in an
unexpected way can cause children to pay more attention to your words—and it's
always great to be hugged!
Since both children are involved, treat them the same way. Invite both children
to take a positive time-out to cool off. Don't try to be judge and jury; worry about
whodunit when you read a mystery, not when you raise a preschooler. When your
children are ready to get along, they can come out. You have shifted the message from
"Who is loved more?" to "Hurting each other is not okay."
THE SOCIAL SKILL OF SHARING
Sharing isn't easy. Most of us know adults who struggle with the concept, and
for preschoolers, sharing is an ongoing challenge in the development of social skills. As
we have pointed out, sharing is also affected by societal and cultural attitudes. In
Western cultures, we expect little people to take turns, to welcome new siblings, or to
be willing to give up playing with a favorite toy. These skills are counterbalanced by
attitudes of "mine" and the high value placed on individualism. Older preschoolers are
beginning to suspect that they are not the center of the universe— and the idea is not
entirely welcome.
More Possibilities for Peacemaking
•
•
•
Invite children to put the problem on the family or class meeting agenda.
After a cooling-off period, use curiosity questions (which often begin with
"what," "why," or "how") to help Child ren explore whet happened, how
they feel about, k what they learned from the experience, and, how they
can solve the problem now.
Teach children to use their words. This means that adults act coaches—not
lecturers or referees.
Many adults do not have much patience with children who have not mastered
the social skill of sharing, and in many cultures such selfishness would be unthinkable.
Still, learning to share is an ongoing, developmental process that requires skill training,
lots of practice, and lots of patience from adults.
Q. My three-year-old has been acting up lately in child care, fighting with the
other kids. He doesn't hit them, but he can't agree about sharing toys. He is not
listening to his teacher. One day he seems okay, but the next day he refuses to allow
any children near "his" playthings. How can I get him to understand that what he is
doing is not acceptable behavior?
A. It sounds like you have a very normal little boy. Three-year-olds are just
learning how to share, and sharing is a difficult skill to master. Most of us are unhappy
when we do not get to have what we want when we want it.
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A child needs clear and firm guidance, and he needs teaching rather than lectures
or punishment. Remember, he does not yet know how to negotiate, compromise, and
discuss problems with others. When children argue over a toy, adults frequently take
the toy away from both children. There is more, however, that parents and caregivers
can do to help children learn this important skill.
Children need to learn how to use words to ask for what they need. The adult
can take two children aside after a dispute. When everyone is calm, try practicing how
to ask to play with a toy. For instance, a child may ask, "May I use the blocks?" One
possible response to a playmate's request is, "I am not done with them yet." You can
then teach negotiation skills: "You can play with them in five minutes" or "Would you
like to play with me?" Such training is vital to learning to share.
QUARRELING
Have you ever watched a litter of puppies wrestle, nip, and fight? You probably
laugh at puppies and see their aggressive behavior as normal and even cute. When
children argue and fight, however, parents are a bit less enchanted. Yet testing limits
and disagreeing are as normal for young children as for puppies.
When children between the ages of three and a half and six quarrel, it may be
effective to ask if it would help them to visit their feel-good place or to put the problem
on the family meeting agenda, not as punishment but as an opportunity to cool off and
calm down. Later you can then ask them to explore and name their feelings, and invite
them to identify ways they could handle the situation next time. It is not helpful for
adults to lose their own tempers, offer blame, punishment, and lectures, or leap into the
fray themselves.
Teaching social skills with the same attention you give to other types of skill
development will produce children who can play together peacefully—at least most of
the time. When children experience continuous modeling and training, they can learn to
get along quite well with other members of the world around them.
Mr. Conners found another creative way to deal with fighting when he saw two fiveyear-olds wrestling with each other at their preschool. He grabbed a toy microphone, rushed up
to the boys, and said, "Excuse me. I'm a reporter for the six o'clock news. Would you each be
willing to take thirty seconds to tell our listening audience your version of what this fight is all
about?" He handed the microphone to one boy and told him to look into the make-believe camera.
The boy caught the spirit of the game and started telling his story. When thirty seconds
were up, Mr. Conners took the mike and handed it to the next boy. When his thirty seconds
were up, Mr. Conners looked into the imaginary camera and said, "Well folks, tune in tomorrow
to find out how these boys solved their problem."
Then Mr. Conners turned to the boys and said, "Would you boys be willing to come back
later and tell our listening audience how you solved this problem?" With big grins on their
faces, both boys agreed and went off together to work on a solution—which was then reported
then to the imaginary camera. Mr. Conners turned an argument into an opportunity to learn
social skills.
RECOGNIZING AND NAMING FEELINGS
For preschoolers, a big part of learning social skills involves learning about
feelings. It helps to know that often children hit because they are acting out their
feelings of frustration and anger. After all, there are so many people who get in the
way of a child's impulses and urges. It's important to teach children that there is a
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difference between a feeling and an action, and how to identify and cope with feelings.
(See Chapter 7 for more on feelings and communication.)
Three-year-old Jack was on a rampage. He had been hitting the other children at the
preschool, knocking over their towers of blocks, and kicking gravel on the playground. One
afternoon, Jack got angry when another child ran in front of him. He pushed her down, causing
her to scrape her knee.
Miss Terry, Jack's teacher, gently led the raging Jack away from the other children and
toward the book corner. As Jack calmed down, Miss Terry brought him a book that had a picture
of a sad-looking boy on the cover.
"Why does he look like that?" Jack asked Miss Terry.
"Well," his teacher replied, sitting down to look at the picture, "he looks sad to me. Why
do you think he might be sad?"
This question planted that first small seed of empathy, inviting Jack to experience the
world through another person's perspective. Jack began to explain that the boy in the picture
was sad because his favorite babysitter had gone away and he wasn't going to see her
anymore—attributing his own feelings to the child in the picture because his experience of the
world is his only reference point. Understanding this, Miss Terry asked Jack if he would like a
hug, and he scrambled gratefully onto her lap. "That little boy must feel very lonely and sad,"
she said. Jack began to cry in his teacher's arms.
When Jack's sobs had slowed to sniffles, Miss Terry asked if he could think of a way to
help the child he had pushed feel better again. "I bet she's sad, too," Jack said. "Maybe I could
play a special game with her and help her put away her lunch stuff."
Miss Terry wrote a note to Jack's parents explaining what had happened and mentioning
Jack's sadness over the loss of his babysitter. Jack helped by making a mark at the bottom to serve
as his signature.
Jack had an opportunity to explore his feelings in safety. He also learned that he
was responsible for his behavior toward other children. Identifying and accepting
feelings can help children learn effective social skills.
HITTING AND AGGRESSION
Older preschoolers who are hitting or pulling hair should be firmly separated. A
parent or teacher can say, "I can't allow you to hurt others," and can help the
combatants explore other ways of acting when they feel angry or frustrated. It is
important to understand that behavior often contains a coded message about how a
child is feeling; while some behaviors are inappropriate or hurtful, the feelings
themselves are not wrong. Interpreting the beliefs a child has about himself will
provide clues about how parents and teachers might respond.
It will take more than one such occasion to teach children to play cooperatively
together. Patient repetition, modeling, and guidance will help children learn more
quickly the pleasures of getting along; it won't turn them into angels! Remember that
social skills mistakes can always be turned into opportunities to learn.
WHEN CHILDREN HURT ADULTS
Sometimes a child's aggression and anger aren't directed only at other children.
Some preschoolers have learned to hit, kick, bite, or yank the hair of their parents and
caregivers when life doesn't go their way. And even little fists and feet can hurt. Parents
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often do not know what to do with an aggressive child and may inadvertently reinforce
the very behavior they are trying to change.
When Children Are Disrespectful to Adults
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Decide what you will do.
Hold the child kindly and firmly.
Share your feelings
Use a Positive time-out.
Ask curiosity question.
Offer limited choices.
Put the problem on the family or class meeting agenda.
Q. I'm the mother of a three-and-a-half-year-old boy. My son has been calling
me names and hitting me when he doesn't get what he wants. I think he picked this up
at his preschool. We've always tried to use the most humane methods of discipline; we
don't hit, yell at, or humiliate him in any way. We always try to reason with him. I'm at
a loss in this situation. Please tell me the best way to deal with such behavior.
A. It is unlikely your child picked up this behavior at preschool. Preschool simply
exposes him to more children and adults with whom he must share, to whom he
sometimes has to defer his demands, and over whom he tries to establish his right to
territory. At home he may simply redouble his efforts to get his way, where the odds
are a bit more to his liking.
There are several things a parent can try to help a child change aggressive
behavior. The following sections provide suggestions; choose the one that fits you and
your child.
Decide What You Will Do
Let your son know that every time he hits you or calls you a name, you will
leave the room until he is ready to treat you respectfully. After you have told him this
once, follow through without any words. Leave immediately.
Hold the Child Kindly and Firmly
If you are concerned that your child will tear up furniture, break things, or hurt
herself, try sitting down and holding her firmly so that she cannot hit or kick, without
lecturing or yelling, until the moment passes. Rocking gently may help her to calm
down more quickly.
Share Your Feelings
Tell him, "That really hurts (or that hurts my feelings). When you are ready, an
apology would help me feel better." Do not demand or force an apology. The main
purpose of this suggestion is to give a model of sharing what you feel and asking for
what you would like. People don't always give us what we would like, but we show
respect for ourselves by sharing our feelings and wishes in non-demanding ways.
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Use a Positive Time-Out
As you learned in Chapter 1, it can be a good idea to create and name a positive
time-out area with your child—a place that can have teddy bears, books, or a soft
cushion. When your child hits or hurts, ask, "Would it help you feel better to go to your
cool-off place for a while?" It is important to teach your child that people do better
when they feel better and that sometimes everyone needs time to calm down and cool
off. If your child doesn't want to go, you might model for him by saying, "I'm very
upset right now. I think I'll go to a quiet spot until I feel better."
Ask Curiosity Questions
Curiosity questions help a child explore the consequences of his behavior. "What
happens when you hit people or call them names? How does it make you feel? How
does it make others feel? What could you do to help them feel better? How else could
you get what you want?" Be sure to ask these questions in a kind and firm manner and
with a sincere desire to hear what the child has to say. Don't turn the conversation into
a lecture.
Offer Limited Choices
You can calmly let your child know what he can do by offering limited choices.
You can say, "Hitting and hurting others is not okay. You can stop hitting and stay here
with me, or you can go to your room and have your feelings in private. You decide." Be
sure that all of the choices you offer are respectful and are acceptable to you.
Put the Problem on the Family or Class Meeting Agenda
When the problem of hitting and name-calling appears on the family or class
meeting agenda, it can be discussed during a regular family or class meeting when
everyone is feeling calm. Everyone can work together for solutions. (More on meetings
in Chapter 16.)
Stopping Violent Behavior
Q. Now do you handle a child who feels that violence is the only way to solve a
problem?
A. This question raises several morel What is going on in this childs life? Where is
this child learning violence? Too much television? Too many video games? Too much
punishment? A child's environment and the role models he encounters provide many
clues about that child's violent behavior.
As a wise person once said, if you want to understand the fruit, look at the tree.
Children do indeed learn what they live, and changing angry, aggressive behavior is
best accomplished through kind, firm teaching about respect, nonviolent ways of
solving problems, and watching adults practice what they preach.
DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR IN THE CLASSROOM
It is especially important in group settings to provide opportunities for learning
about social skills. Teachers face the ripple effect of behavior daily. For example,
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everyone sits down to group time and one child starts to make raspberry noises.
Within moments, the entire group is buzzing and spitting.
Sit quietly until the class calms down. Model the behavior you want. Some
teachers decide to join in the noise making, which usually makes everyone laugh—and
which may be the easiest way to help children settle down. When disruptive behavior
causes repeated problems, ask the children for help.
Use a class meeting to explain that it causes a problem for you when children
continue to make noise after the group gathers together. Discuss what happens, invite
the children to comment on what they notice, and then come up with a proposed
solution. A hand signal, clapping pattern, or lights out might be decided upon as a way
to indicate that classroom noise should stop.
Class meetings can be used to explore many possible problems. Ask, "What
would you do if . . . ?" or describe a situation and ask the children what they think went
wrong. Storytelling, flannel boards, and books are other ways to introduce social skills.
Help children identify the skills you are teaching, and take time to discuss what
happened and why.
SOCIAL INTEREST
Alfred Adler described "social interest" as a real concern for others and a sincere
desire to make a contribution to society. As children enter into the lives of their families
and schools, they want very much to feel that they belong. And one of the most
powerful ways to achieve a sense of belonging is to make a meaningful contribution to
the wellbeing of others in the family or group. When adults can help preschoolers care
about and participate in their community, everyone benefits. In the family or preschool,
a wonderful way to encourage social interest is by sharing chores or the work the
family does together.
For young children there really is no difference between play and work, so
adults can use everyday tasks as opportunities to teach social interest.
While Charlene fixed the hamburger patties, three-year-old Sean happily unwrapped
cheese slices and placed them on the buns. When the family sat down to dinner, imagine how
pleased Sean felt when the family mentioned how good their cheeseburgers tasted, thanks to
Sean's efforts.
Five-year-old Becky reminded her grandma to use her eye-drops every evening during
her visit. When Grandma returned home, Becky wanted to call her every night so she could
continue to remind her.
These examples show social interest at work; it is meaningful involvement that
benefits others. There are many simple tasks preschoolers can do that not only build
skills and cooperation but also give them opportunities to practice getting along with
others. Invite your child to help you with one of the tasks in the table on page 215.
These are some ideas to get you started. For more information on age-appropriate
tasks, see Chores Without Wars by Lynn Lott and Riki Intner, Taylor, 2005.
RELATIONSHIPS: THE TIES THAT BIND
Like it or not, relationships form the fabric of our lives. We live in families, we go
to school with peers, and eventually we work, live, love, and play with other people.
Helping your young child get along pre pares him to experience the best that life can
offer: connection and contentment with friends and family. Disagreements and conflict
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are inevitable, but he can learn to handle those, too, with dignity and mutual respect.
Taking the time to teach and encourage social skills now will pave the way for a happier
life as your child grows and matures.
AGE-APPROIATE TASKS
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12
ENDING BEDTIME BATTLES
Preschoolers and Sleep
It is nap time at the preschool, and all of the children are asleep---except Anita. The
teacher has read a story and offered back rubs, but in spite of her best efforts, Anita is still
awake.
Tasha is a different story. Tasha's mother worries that Tasha sleeps too long at nap time,
which makes it difficult to get her to bed at night. The teacher promises to keep Tasha awake
longer or to wake her up earlier, but despite her best efforts, Tasha is usually the first to fall
asleep and the last to wake up.
The bottom line is that you can't make a child sleep, and you can't control when
he will wake up. Sometimes parents feel so in need of time to themselves that they try
to establish a bedtime or nap time that just doesn't match their child's needs.
During the preschool years, most children give up taking a long, regular nap—if
they ever did! Parents often miss those peaceful afternoon hours during which they
could get something accomplished or rest a bit themselves. It becomes very tempting
to try to coerce a child into taking naps—but unfortunately, making him fall asleep
(whether at night or during nap time) is simply beyond adult control.
Most parents have experienced the frustration of a child who is happily wide
awake long past bedtime, tumbles out of bed at awkward moments, or refuses to wake
even when Mom and Dad have urgent business to attend to. Is there anything parents
can do to help children settle into a sleep cycle that works for everyone?
ROUTINES: EVERYDAY MAGIC
Children in the preschool years thrive on routines. Routine and consistency
(while occasionally boring for adults) work well with a young child's brain
development and .encourage cooperation and learning. Children thrive when their
lives are clear and predictable, and they enjoy the security of comfortable repetition.
Routines are also a first line of defense and a unique safety net when children
and families experience traumatic events. Reestablishing a familiar routine in the midst
of change or chaos will help children feel safe and protected. Whether a child has been
uprooted by a national disaster, political upheaval, or a family crisis (divorce, death, or a
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move to a new home), the sooner a routine is back in place, the sooner that child will be
able to cope and begin healing.
According to "Family Strengths: Often Overlooked, but Real," by Kristin
Anderson Moore, Ph.D., Rosemary Chalk, Juliet Scarpa, and Sharon Vandiver, M.P.P.,
Child Trends Research Brief, August 2002, children who live in families in which daily
life is predictable do better at school and acquire high levels of self-control. This selfcontrol has a bounce-back quality, most commonly referred to as resiliency. Everyone
experiences stressful and difficult times, but resiliency allows us to get beyond those
tough times—not just to survive, but to thrive.
Taking part in regular daily routines may even lead to lowered risk of marijuana,
alcohol, and tobacco use, as well as fewer school suspensions during later adolescence.
A familiar routine in the morning, at mealtimes, and at bedtime can eliminate the
need children often feel to test their boundaries. Clear expectations and predictable
activities can smooth the rough spots out of a youngster's day (and that of his parents
and teachers).
As children grow older and begin school, using routines can eliminate many of
the hassles surrounding chores or homework, especially when the child is old enough
to help create the routine. Issuing commands often invites resistance from children.
How would you feel if someone was always telling you what to do, how to do it, and
when to do it? If you and your child create routines, the routines can then become the
"boss." You have only to ask, "What is next on our routine chart?" and children love to
tell you (instead of being told).
The best way to help your children maintain a strong sense of self and to
develop a desire to contribute and cooperate is to involve them in age-appropriate
decision making as much as possible. Involving children in the creation of routines is a
great way to help them maintain their sense of self and their desire to cooperate.
Routines will vary from family to family, from preschool to preschool, but they
are useful ways to take the struggle out of the terrible trio of sleeping, eating, and
toileting. In this and the following chapters, you will discover basic guidelines that are
helpful when planning any type of routine.
THE ROUTINE CHART
Brainstorm a list of bedtime tasks with your child and then let her help make a
routine chart. Try to keep the list to three or four (but no more than six) tasks.
Remember, a routine chart is not for rewards or stickers; it is simply a map to help your
child remember what comes next. Children love it when you take pictures of them
doing each task so pictures can be pasted on the routine chart. Some prefer to draw
pictures of themselves doing the task, or simple symbols to represent each task. Images
cut from magazines can also be used. Help your child personalize the chart with her
name, glitter, or other decorations. The chart can then be placed where it is easy to see
and follow. Remember the magic words: "What is next on your bedtime routine chart?"
so she can tell you instead of being told.
BEDTIME ROUTINE POSSIBILITIES
Having a predictable, familiar routine can take the struggle out of bedtime. But
how do you find a bedtime routine that works for your family? The following ideas for
bedtime routine activities may help you build a routine for your child that helps him
(and you) enjoy sweet dreams.
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Playtime
A family playtime is a good way to begin your nighttime routine. One family
enjoys playing board games, while another likes a rousing game of tag or a pillow
fight. It is best to place more active games at the beginning of your routine. The idea is
to move steadily toward quiet, calming activities.
Time for Choices
Planning ahead can eliminate many a power struggle. For instance, allow your
child to choose between two pairs of pajamas before getting into the tub. She can lay
them out on her bed so they are ready as soon as bath time is over.
Choosing clothes for the next day is also important. Successful mornings usually
begin the night before. Power struggles and meltdowns often occur in the morning
when your child can't decide what to wear, wants to wear something she can't find, or
puts on something you think is inappropriate (such as shorts in the middle of winter).
We think it's important to let children have some autonomy in choosing what they
wear, but children often choose to test boundaries when parents' time is in short
supply. Choosing clothes the night before will eliminate at least one potential morning
power struggle. (This may sound obvious, but another simple solution is to put winter
clothes away in the summer and summer clothes away in the winter. Inappropriate
choices for clothing are then less likely.)
Bath Time
A soak in the tub can be wonderfully soothing—and it can be a time for
closeness and play, too. There are many wonderful bath toys available (although your
kitchen measuring cups and spoons will probably do quite nicely), and the sound and
feel of warm water helps relax most children. An evening bath time should probably
follow any active games and begin the "settling down" part of your routine.
Tooth brushing
Did you know that brushing teeth can be fun? Some families put toothpaste on
each other's brushes and all scrub happily away together, not only teaching good oral
hygiene but having some good, clean fun as well. Instead of creating power struggles
over tooth brushing, use it as an opportunity for creating traditions and connections.
Story Time
Telling or reading stories is a familiar part of bedtime, for good reason. Young
children love to hear stories; in fact, some never tire of hearing the same story over and
over—and woe to the lazy parent who tries to leave a paragraph out! And story time
really helps children learn: a child's earliest "reading" experience may consist of reciting
a book to you, even turning the pages at the right spot. Children's poetry and simple
rhymes are wonderful, too, and help your child learn language.
As your child grows older (or if she often has difficulty falling asleep), you may
want to let her look through books as she lies quietly in bed. A variation on this theme
is to play a story tape and let your child follow along in the accompanying book. Or
you might tape yourself reading or telling a favorite story; then, if your child lives in
more than one household or if you must be away for a while, he can hear your
reassuring voice even when you can't be with him.
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Do beware of manipulation: some children beg for "just one
more story," and then "just one more, pleeeeeease." This can be
prevented by agreeing together on one or two stories when
creating your bedtime routine. Then, when the begging starts, you
can ask, "What does our routine chart say?" Another possibility is to
give your child a hug and say, "Nice try" (with a warm smile) as
you leave the room or move on to the next part of your routine.
Simply reflecting this request ("I can tell that you really want to
hear another story") followed by reassurance ("Let's put this book
beside your bed so we'll remember to read it first thing tomorrow
night") demonstrates kindness without allowing manipulation.
Children know when you mean it and they know when you don't.
Being kind and firm at the same time will let them know that you
mean what you say.
Special Activities
Since children often feel cozy and willing to talk just before they fall asleep,
bedtime can be one of the best parts of your day together—if you let it be. You may
want to pray together or sing a special song. One dad carries his small son around his
room to say good night to each stuffed animal and picture. A tape of soothing lullabies
or soft music can create a relaxing atmosphere.
Some parents enjoy asking their children to share the happiest and saddest
moments of their day and then letting their children ask them the same questions.
(Because children's grasp of time is a little fuzzy, you may hear about things that
happened this afternoon, last week, or even last month!) You will be amazed at how
much you and your children learn about each other. Such moments go far beyond
helping a child sleep; they are filled with shared love, trust, and closeness.
Hugs and Kisses
There are families where hugging, kissing, and saying "I love you" happen daily.
In other families, these things rarely happen. Not surprisingly, researchers have discovered that a daily ration of hugs encourages emotional health, and if you haven't been
dispensing regular hugs and kisses, you might consider giving it a try. Bedtime is the
perfect time for hugs, kisses, and gentle reassurances of love.
Every night, Cissy's aunt Elaine loves to sit on the edge of three-year-old Cissy's bed
and say, "If we were to line up all of the three-year-old girls in the world, guess which one I'd
pick? I would say, want that one!' " Aunt Elaine then points at Cissy, who giggles happily and
launches herself into her aunt's arms for a hug.
room!
The glow from a child's face during moments like these can illuminate an entire
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Hugging Rather than Hitting
A recent study at the University of Miami's Touch Research Institute discovered
that going through the day without a hug, a pat on the shoulder, or even a handshake
can be harmful—and some researchers believe that' American children are dangerously
touch-deprived.
The institutes studies have shown that touch can reduce pain and stress, alleviate
symptoms of depression, and help premature infants gain weight, among other
benefits: of human touch appears to increase the risk for aggression. Touch should
always be welcomed and appropriate, but back rubs, hugs, and other loving touches
may become a valuable part of your child's routine.
PRACTICE YOUR ROUTINE
A bedtime routine does not guarantee that your child will never have difficulty
falling asleep. If a child says he "can't sleep," tell him it's okay. He just needs to lie
quietly in bed and look through a book or think quiet thoughts. Keep in mind that
falling asleep is your child's job. You can only provide him with the opportunity. The
hardest part of your job may be to ignore (with kindness and firmness) demands for
more drinks and stories after you have completed a loving bedtime routine.
A bedtime routine may make it possible for you and your young child to enjoy
sharing a special part of the day together rather than rehearsing for World War III. The
possibilities are endless. Pick out some ideas that appeal to you—or use your own
creativity to find a routine that works for you and your child. Whatever you decide on,
practice it often enough that it becomes a familiar, predictable part of your day—and a
peaceful way to help and encourage your child to fall asleep. A special quality of
routines is that they guide us to the development of healthy (and desirable) habits
through consistent, comfortable repetition.
PRESCHOOL ROUTINES FOR NAP TIME
Teachers can follow a similar procedure to create nap-time routines in the
preschool or child care setting. Include soft music, muted lighting, or gentle back rubs.
Involve children by allowing them to help set out nap things, take off and line up shoes,
and use the potty before and after lying down to rest. Calm caregivers invite children
to enjoy a restful atmosphere.
THE IMPORTANCE OF COMFORT
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Even though we stress the importance of getting children involved, there are
many things adults can do on their own to help children sleep cozily. You can make
sure children are comfortable in pajamas that fit, in beds or cribs that are secure, and
with the appropriate number of blankets. You can also remember to consider your
child's temperament. Is the sleeping area warm or cool enough? Does your child need
absolute quiet or a steady hum of activity? A night-light or complete darkness? Like
adults, children have different needs regarding light
and dark, noise and quiet. There is no right or
wrong; finding out what works best for your child
will take patience and a bit of trial and error.
If your child spends time in more than one
household, special smells and textures can make
bedtime much less stressful. A pillow or blankie that
travels with your child from home to home or a
special cuddly toy at the child care center can be
very helpful. Children have been known to curl up
with their jackets tucked under their heads when nothing else was available or the
preferred item had been left behind, drawing comfort from the familiar feel and smell.
An evening snack containing calcium, such as milk or yogurt, may help your
child relax enough to sleep. Some people believe that sugar stimulates children.
Although research is inconclusive, avoiding sugary food late in the evening or before
naps may prove helpful. (Be sure to read labels; you may be surprised at the sugar
content of some so- called healthy foods.) Use trial and error to discover what works
best for your child.
TESTING TIME
How many times have you heard the plaintive cry "Mommy, I'm thirsty"? It
may be helpful to agree with your child on how many drinks of water she will get (and
put the allotted number on your routine chart). Whatever your agreement, follow
through with kind and firm action. There are several ways to do this. You might say, "I
hear you, and I'm sure you can make it until morning." You could offer a simple
"Uhmmmmm." (Children often stop testing when they don't get a response.)
If the testing escalates and your child gets out of bed, kind and firm action
without any words is usually most effective. It looks like this: your child gets up; you
take her by the hand and lead her back to bed with a kind manner and your mouth
shut; you give her a kiss and leave. If she gets up again, you take her by the hand and
lead her back to bed with a kind manner and your mouth shut; you give her a kiss and
leave. At times, if she refuses to walk beside you, you may need to pick her up and
carry her. Again, do this in a calm, matter-of- fact manner, with a firm but loving touch.
If you repeat this process as many times as it takes (usually quite a few the first night),
your child will get the idea that she can count on you to mean what you say—and she
can count on you to treat her with dignity and respect even when she is testing you.
Summon all your patience—and don't get discouraged. When you are consistent, the
testing usually does not last longer than three nights—five at the most (although they
may feel like five very long nights).
One mother shared that on the first night they tried this new plan, her daughter
was put back to bed twenty-four times. The second night, it was twelve times. The third
night, it took only twice before the daughter knew her mother meant what she didn't
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say. By the fourth night, her daughter was happily following the bedtime routine—to
the letter.
CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR
Perhaps it is time for a reminder that the only behavior you can control is your
own. The magic that occurs is that children usually change their behavior in response to
you.
Q. We have a three-year-old daughter who has been having a very difficult time
going to bed at night. We have a bedtime routine— we give her a bath with her baby
sister, read her a story, get her a glass of water, and say prayers. As soon as it's time for
us to leave, she starts acting up. We tell her that if she keeps yelling or crying that we'll
have to close her door because she's going to wake up her sister. She doesn't care about
this and will call us stupid, stick her tongue out at us, and so on. When we close her
door, she goes absolutely crazy—banging on the walls and doors, messing up her
blinds, dumping her toy box, or yelling by her window, "Somebody help me—I need
my mommy and daddy."
We wait for three minutes (one minute of time-out for each year of her age) and
then open the door and ask her if she's finished being mad and ready to get back in her
bed and behave. She'll say no and go through it again for another three minutes. We
give her one more chance and then tell her that we'll have to close her door for the
remainder of the night. The other night we had to stand by her door until 1:30 A.M.
with her going crazy for four hours! We let her sleep in in the morning and she also
takes a nap, but we can't do that. We're exhausted. Help!
A. It sounds like no one is getting much rest except your daughter. Four things
will help to close the curtains on this nighttime drama: help her feel sleepy, respect her
needs—and yours, quit battling and work toward cooperation, and use kind and firm
follow-through.
Help Her Feel Sleepy
It seems that your daughter is able to marshal all her physical and emotional
reserves for bedtime. She just isn't all that sleepy, especially after sleeping in and taking
her nap. She may not be getting enough active exercise during the day to make her feel
tired at night. Try making active play part of your bedtime routine. Consider taking a
trip to the park, engaging in some rough-and-tumble play, or even signing up for
evening swim classes. Once she is tired, you will have nature on your side. You might
also consider giving up naps so that she is ready for an earlier bedtime. Although you
can't control when she will or will not sleep, by eliminating the nap rituals you at least
make it less convenient for her to take a nap.
Respect Her Needs—and Yours
Your daughter is feeling dethroned by her baby sister. Babies and toddlers take
up lots of adult time and energy. What is left over for the older child? Your three-yearold has discovered an effective way to get her parents' attention. You can replace this
negative attention with positive attention at other times of the day.
Carve out time to enjoy a moment with her alone. Be sure to point out to her
that this is a time for just the two of you, that you are glad to have time alone with her,
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and that you enjoy having an older child with whom you can do special things. Such
time can be as simple as a trip to the grocery store or library or a walk around the
block. When her need to feel included, noticed, and special is met in this way, she will
have less reason to seek attention through bedtime battles.
You have needs, too. Your children will be more likely to respect you if you
demonstrate that you respect yourself. Give yourself time to unwind, relax, and focus
on the evening together. A late-afternoon shower, a cup of tea, or a short exercise
routine might make a real difference in your energy level. Remember that meeting
your needs means you are better able to respond to the needs of other family
members.
Quit Battling and Work Toward Cooperation
Where does your daughter get her amazing tenacity? Two parents who are
willing to wait at her door for hours must have some genetic connection to the howler
on the other side. It is time to start building cooperation, and the only people in this
power struggle you can control are yourselves. In other words, you may not be able to
control your daughter's sleep habits, but you can decide what you will do. Here are
some suggestions:
• Ask for her help. (You might be surprised at how well this works.)
• Explain that you do not like to hold her door closed at bedtime. Ask her if
she has any ideas about ways you could stop doing that.
• Work out a bedtime routine together.
• Decide what you will do instead of what you will try to make her do. (You
may decide to take her back to her bed, give her a kiss, and leave.) Let her
know your plan. Some possibilities are to go to bed yourself, read a book,
and keep your own door closed rather than stand guard over her door.
• Seek solutions that work for all of you.
Use Kind and Firm Follow-Through
It may be comforting to know that you are not alone in your bedtime hassles. If
you have tried all of the above and your child is still getting out of bed, simply put her
back in bed. This is effective when you remember the following:
• Don't say a word. Actions speak louder than words—and they are much
harder to argue with.
• Be sure your actions are both kind and firm. This means you eliminate
even the nonverbal lectures (i.e., your angry body language).
• Be consistent. If you put your child back in bed five times and then give in,
you have taught her that she only has to be more persistent than you are.
• Be sure you are spending special time with your child at other times
during the day. (For details about special time, refer to Chapter 9 on
mistaken goals.)
WHAT ABOUT NAPS?
Young children may resist sleep, not because they don't need it but because they
don't want to miss out on anything as they explore their exciting world. All children do
not need the same amount of sleep. Quiet time may work better for some children than
nap time. Some are through with napping by two or two and a half years old. Others
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need naps until they start kindergarten (or, like one of the authors of this book,
forever).
Whether it is nap time or quiet time, follow these guidelines:
• Don't tell your child she is tired. Admit that you are tired and need some
quiet time.
• Get your child involved in planning for his nap time or quiet time. Allow
your child to choose a special nap-time stuffed animal, a different bed, or a
blanket different from the one he uses for bedtime.
• Teach your child to use a simple CD, cassette, or other player. Let her
choose from a collection of nap-time music and start the player herself. Do
not use earphones but allow the music to play softly nearby.
• Give her a limited choice: "Do you want to start your nap (or quiet time)
at 1:00 or at 1:15?"
• Avoid the use of television to put your child to sleep. A study in the
journal Pediatrics suggests that the longer children sit in front of a TV, the
less likely they are to sleep well.
One mother we know lets her child choose a special sleeping bag that can be
used only at nap time. During family meetings, her three-year-old daughter chooses
the room she wants to take a nap in. To avoid manipulation she could choose between
only two designated rooms: her bedroom or the playroom. She also agreed that
whichever room she chose would be the one she would use for that week. She and her
mom then set a kitchen timer for one hour (so she won't miss out on too much, and so
she'll be sleepy at bedtime). Mom has promised that if the "ding" doesn't wake her up,
Mom will.
Taking naps in different beds can work for nap time, but bedtime routines
require the consistency of the same bed. This raises the question of whose bed a child
will sleep in.
WHOSE BED?
There are many people who believe in the family bed. Usually, this is a happy
time for families who choose it. However, many parents have small children in their
bed not by choice but by default—and they are begging for help about how to solve
this problem. They may have enjoyed snuggling with their little one for a while, but
now they want their privacy back.
Parents need to decide what they truly want and be ready to follow through
with kind and firm action. The reality is that like all habits, breaking this one can be
painful for everyone. Children ready your unspoken messages quite well. If a child
senses you are ambivalent about where he should sleep, he will recognize your doubts.
When you are sure of your decision that he should sleep in his own bed, he will sense
that as well.
Marissa and her husband want their bed back. Jonathan slept with them until he turned
three. For the past six months, Jonathan has had his own bed but has refused to use it unless his
mom or dad lies down with him until he falls asleep. They often fall asleep before he does and the
rest of their evening is lost. When they do wake up and go to their own bed, Jonathan usually
wakes up and cries until they take him into their bed.
This issue is a bit more complex than it may seem. Since Jonathan shared his
parents' bed for quite a while, it isn't surprising that now he wants to continue. Being
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with his parents at night probably has many meanings for Jonathan. He gets attention,
security, and lots of cuddles. On the other hand, being alone in his bed feels lonely and a
bit scary at times. Jonathan's feelings may be logical, or they may provide an excuse for
him to continue seeking undue attention—a habit his parents have unwittingly
reinforced. He may be missing an opportunity to learn self-soothing, an important life
skill. Now the real question is what his parents want to do—and what they are willing
to do to change their son's habit.
Jonathan's parents must decide what they want, as must all parents. Opting for
the family bed has some long-range implications. The biggest one is what will happen
when you decide you want your child out of your bed? What if you are a single parent
who decides to remarry? Is your child (or new partner) going to be willing to share you
in bed?
If you have decided that it is time for your child to sleep in his own bed, follow
through as described above. Please remember to do lots of deep breathing, because this
plan requires patience.
Learning to go to sleep on her own will not create lifelong trauma for your child;
it is usually more traumatic for parents than for children! Your attitude is the key. If you
feel confident that you are doing the right thing by teaching your child that he is
capable of getting to sleep on his own, he will feel the energy of your confidence. On
the other hand, if you feel guilty, angry, or ambivalent, that energy will be
communicated and will invite manipulation, helplessness, or power struggles.
CODDLED OR CAPABLE?
Kindness and firmness at the same time are the keys to effective parenting.
Giving in to a child's continuous demands is not loving behavior. Children do not feel
safe when adults fail to establish clear boundaries. Allowing a child to learn to fall asleep
on her own is a lifetime gift.
The suggestions in this chapter can help parents use bedtime as an opportunity
for teaching their children important life skills instead of manipulation and power
struggles. Children can learn thinking skills, problem-solving skills, self-control, and
trust—that when parents say something, they mean it and will follow through with
dignity and respect. They can also learn to trust themselves and to believe "I am
capable." Bedtime truly can be heaven instead of hell. Sweet dreams!
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13
"I DON'T LIKE THAT!"
Preschoolers and Eating
Imagine for a moment that you're sitting down to dinner with some friends
instead of your family. Suppose you've invited Joyce, her husband, James, and your
neighbor Sam over for a meal. As you pass around your favorite lasagna and a bowl of
broccoli, the conversation goes something like this:
You: "I'm so glad you're all here for dinner. I'll pass around the lasagna."
James: "Just a small serving for me, please. I'm not very hungry tonight."
You: "Oh, nonsense! A big man like you needs lots to eat. Here—
I'll give you a proper serving. Sam, have some broccoli." Sam: "No, thanks. I'm not much
of a broccoli eaten"
You: "Sam, broccoli is good for you. You have to try a little bit or there will be no dessert
for you! Now, Joyce, I expect to see your plate all clean; there are still some yummy veggies
there."
How do you think James, Joyce, and Sam would feel? Would this be a successful
dinner party? Does this sound a little bit like the conversation around your own dinner
table?
All too often, the dinner table becomes a battleground for parents of young
children. Parents worry about what their children eat—or refuse to eat. Have they had
enough? Did they get enough vitamin C? Too much sugar? Enough calcium and
protein?
Eating under surveillance is not relaxing, and children don't enjoy it any more
than adults do. Listen to your own mealtime comments and ask yourself, "Would I say
this to an adult guest?" Children treated with respect learn to treat others the same
way. Just because they are small people doesn't mean they aren't entitled to opinions
about food. It may help to remember, though, that those opinions often change as they
grow and mature.
During the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s, many university early childhood programs
conducted studies to see what foods toddlers would eat when all kinds of foods were
placed on the lunch table. The children were allowed to eat whatever they wanted.
Sometimes children would eat dessert first. Sometimes they would eat broccoli first.
The main finding of this program was that the children did not fuss. And the results
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were always similar—when children were left to follow their own "instincts," they chose
a balanced diet over time. We wonder how these studies would look today if the
choices were fast-food hamburgers, french fries, and soda pop. In order for children to
make nutritious choices, they need to be given healthful options. The subtler flavor of a
real orange can seem less appealing if a child has become accustomed to the chemically
enhanced fruit flavorings used in overly sweetened fruit drinks and snack products.
Sugar can really disrupt the body's natural craving for good foods.
Later in this chapter we will discuss how parents sometimes invite power
struggles and how they can instead create an atmosphere of cooperation about food.
First, it is important to point out some serious problems young children face today.
HEALTH PROBLEMS AND YOUR KIDS
Research is now showing that many children have more brittle bones than in
past years, making them more susceptible to breaks. The theory is that drinking too
many sweetened drinks and not enough milk is contributing to this problem. The rate
of obesity among children is also rising, due largely to too much fat and salt in their
diets (such as fast food and snacks) and not enough exercise. Many children spend a
great deal of time sitting in front of the TV or computer, or playing video games.
Following are some statistics from the Institute of Medicine's report "Preventing
Childhood Obesity: Health in the Balance," released on September 30, 2004
(http://www.iom.edu/?id=22623).
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Since the 1970s, the prevalence of obesity has more than doubled for
preschool children age two to five years and adolescents age twelve to
nineteen years, and it has more than tripled for children age six to eleven
years. At present, approximately 9 million children over six years of age
are obese.
Childhood obesity involves significant risks to physical and emotional
health. In 2000, it was estimated that 30 percent of boys and 40 percent of
girls born in the United States are at risk for being diagnosed with type 2
diabetes at some point in their lives.
Young people are also at risk of developing serious psychosocial burdens
due to societal stigmatization associated with obesity.
Obesity-associated annual hospital costs for children and youths more
than tripled over two decades, rising from $35 million in 1979-1981 to $127
million in 1997-1999.
Obesity prevention involves a focus on energy balance—calories
consumed versus calories expended—so taking action against childhood
obesity must address the factors that influence both eating and physical
activity.
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Gratitude and Attitude
There is an important truth about food, eating, and young children: you provide
the food, and the children do the eating—or not, as the case may be. It significant to
note that children raised in many cultures don't experience eating problems, especially
cultures in which food is scarce. But even more important, in such cultures food is
always treated as valuable. Coaxing someone to eat is not necessary what one person
does not eat, another will. Food is simply never wasted. For example, students from
Singapore and other parts of Asia who have come to America for internships in early
childhood programs are consistently shocked at seeing food thrown away. In other
cultures, nutrition and taste are outweighed by the pressure not to waste precious food.
We sometimes forget the abundance we enjoy, but it is always wise to demonstrate
gratitude and appreciation for food—and to encourage our children to do the same.
Research confirms that social pressure can affect one's food choices, so what you
as parents model through your own eating habits is as crucial as the foods you provide
to your children.
PICKY EATING
It is important to offer children a wide selection of nutritious food, but
remember that special menus only reinforce finicky eating. And you can increase the
odds that your child will eat the food you serve: be sure that at least one food on the
table is familiar and something your child enjoys, then serve whatever else you wish.
Remember, the more often a child is exposed to a food, the sooner it, too, will become
familiar. Also remember that you can't force your child to eat something he or she
doesn't want to eat; that will only invite a power struggle, and at that point everyone
loses.
Martha was convinced that her son needed a warm bowl of oatmeal to start his day off
properly. When three-year-old Lex refused to eat his oatmeal one morning, his mother decided
she'd better teach him how important it was to eat the right foods. Martha got out some plastic
wrap and covered the bowl of oatmeal. When Lex came in for lunch, Martha microwaved the
oatmeal. After half an hour, it had turned as cold (and as hard) as stone. Lex glared at it but
refused to taste it, so Martha resolutely covered it up again. Can you imagine how appetizing
that oatmeal looked at dinner after another trip to the microwave? Lex would willingly have
starved before letting a spoonful pass his lips. What do you suppose Lex has learned about
oatmeal? And what has his mother learned about Lex?
There are a number of things parents can keep in mind to encourage healthy
eating habits in their children and to make mealtimes together pleasant for the entire
family.
Timing
Young children see no reason to get hungry on anyone's schedule but their own.
Infants nurse on demand, toddlers want food when they're hungry, and preschoolers
often just can't make it from one meal to the next without something in between. These
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are normal variations; try to be flexible. The key is to be certain that the choices
available to your children are healthy ones. If your children aren't eating full meals,
their snacks should provide them with the nutrients they need. A pile of carrot sticks or
even a baked potato, for instance, is much better than french fries and a soda.
A child who doesn't eat his entire lunch at the child care center can snack out of
his lunch box on the way home. When children eat is not as important as what they eat.
Nutritious lunch food is just as good eaten at 5:00 as it would have been at noon.
Simplicity
Your church group may have raved about your prawns in Cajun sauce, but your
preschooler is unlikely to be equally impressed. Children are often suspicious of
unfamiliar foods or unusual mixtures. A cheese sandwich with lettuce and tomato may
be spurned, while a piece of cheese, some tomato slices, and a few crackers will be
consumed quite happily. If your little one looks askance at the pasta and vegetable
salad, try serving the ingredients to him separately. You certainly don't need to provide
a separate menu, nor should you, but being aware of your child's natural preferences
will help you find ways to encourage cooperation and experimentation.
Choices
Allowing children to develop their own eating habits requires mutual trust.
Children will eat foods their bodies need, and if you provide a variety of healthy and
appetizing foods, they will be more likely to choose foods that are nourishing.
Remember, though, that even adults need a splurge now and then; thousands of
children have been raised on occasional doses of fast food, pizza, and hot dogs without
suffering permanent damage. The key, as always, is balance. Providing a regular diet of
nutritious foods will help you feel better about the Easter jelly beans, chocolate Santas,
and Halloween tummyaches that seem to be an inevitable part of childhood. However,
if you have jelly beans, potato chips, cookies, cupcakes, and soft drinks around the
house all the time, you are inviting poor eating habits and food battles.
Avoid becoming the food police. Families committed to special diets often defeat
themselves by creating a vigilante atmosphere around food. If you want your child to
avoid foods with sugar, do not become frantic when a stray cookie passes his lips. Your
overreaction is more likely to invite food-related problems, now and later.
Portion Size and Hunger
One recent study has shown that when children are served extra- large food
portions, they eat larger bites of food and cumulatively more food. If children choose
how much to eat or are given smaller portions, they tend to eat more appropriate
amounts. Preschoolers are capable of dishing up their own food (with training). An
important part of training is to teach them to take small helpings. (They can always take
more if they want it.) It is not helpful to make your child eat everything on her plate
when she makes a mistake and takes too much. It is helpful to help her explore,
through curiosity questions, what happens when she takes too much and how she can
solve the problem.
When you insist that a child eat everything on her plate or eat only at specified
times, you teach her to ignore her body's cues. This is why snack time plays such an
important role in these preschool years. Little tummies need frequent fueling, so snack
choices are important.
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Hunger is a better guide to eating than the clock—and one all of us would
benefit from tuning in to. Focusing only on when or how much your child eats invites
her to ignore the messages her body sends. It is better to ensure that food is nutritious,
whenever it is eaten.
CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES
It may be absolutely imperative to you that your four-year-old eat her lima
beans. Or you may feel comfortable watching your child eat a steady diet of salami
slices, raisins, and crackers. But be aware that if you insist, your child may feel
compelled to resist—and it's doubtful that staring at a plate of cold lima beans after
everyone else has left the table has ever persuaded a child to love veggies.
Some parents gloat about making their children sit at the table until they finish
their dinner—and claim it works. If you talk to the children, you get a different story.
Either they figured out how to feed most of the food to the dog or hide it in their
napkin (weren't the parents suspicious when their children offered to clean up the
table?) or they developed eating problems as adults. Someone will always lose in
battles over food, short-range or long-range.
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Help for Picky Esters
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Avoid becoming a short-order cook. Teach children older than four how
to make their own peanut butter or turkey sandwiches.
Offer choices. When children complain about a food, say, "You can eat
what is On the table or fix your own sandwich, Whet is your choice?"
Invite solutions. If a child complains about the food served, ask, "What do
you need to do about that?" This invites children to use their thinking
skills and problem-solving skills. It invites them to use their power in
positive ways (instead of in power struggles) and to feel capable..
Invite children to help plan menus during family meetings. Kids are more
cooperative when they have been included. Get them involved in creating
the shopping list.
Share tasks. Let children help with shopping.
Many grocery stores now haze small carts that can
be pushed around by preschoolers. Let children
find certain items on the shopping list to put in
your cart. When they want something that isn't on
the list, kindly and firmly say, "That isn't on our
list."
Let children help with cooking. During the family
meeting, let them decide which nights they want
to help cook. Again, they are more likely to eat
what they help cook and to be more cooperative when it is not their turn
if they have been involved in the planning process.
Respond without rescuing. Simply avoid the sparks (bids for undue
attention) that become bonfires when you feed them. Use active listening
("I guess you don't like than and avoid engaging in debates. And allow
your children to handle the problem, ("You don't have to eat it. I'm sure
you can make it until our next meal.")
Ease your own anxiety about nutrition. Give your child a good
multivitamin. Then relax. She'll eat when she's hungry.
MEALTIME ROUTINES
Yes, routines work for eating, too. Mealtimes in busy families often become
hectic, rushed, and stressful occasions that no one truly enjoys. Parents arrive home
tired after a long day's work; children are often both hungry and cranky. The milk of
human kindness does not make it to the dinner table. Comfortable routines can make
mealtimes proceed far more smoothly. The elements are simple; here are some
suggestions that may help you create routines for your own family.
Take Time to Relax
If dinnertime is often rushed in your home, try beginning the process differently.
Todd always packs an extra-large lunch for his four-year-old daughter, Katie. During the
drive home after work and preschool, Katie opens her lunch box and enjoys whatever is left over
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from lunch. When they arrive home, Katie is not urgently hungry and her dad doesn't feel
pressured to serve dinner immediately. Instead, they usually manage time for a cuddle and story
before Dad tackles the dinner preparations.
Taking time to wind down at the end of the day is almost always worth the
investment. You may want to spend a few minutes curled up on the sofa with your
child, reconnecting and sharing moments from your day. A warm bath or shower
might refresh you for the evening ahead, or you may want to take time for a walk or a
quick game together. Slices of fruit or a bag of crackers may satisfy the hunger pangs
long enough for the entire family to catch its breath. "But I don't have time," you may
be saying. "I simply have too much to do!" Regardless of how busy your lives may be,
taking time to relax and reenter your family's world will eliminate the hassles and bids
for undue attention that often consume even more time.
Prepare the Meal Together
Nothing wins a finicky eater over better than helping plan and prepare the meal.
And most parents fail to recognize the wonderful little helpers they have right there
beside them. Get a big apron, pull up a stool to the sink, and invite your child to slosh
and tear the lettuce for tonight's salad. Even a two-year-old can use a brush to scrub
vegetables, and at three, your child can place silverware and napkins on the table. (See
the chart on page 215 for more ideas.)
Mr. Parker, a preschool teacher, invited a group of children to help prepare a smoothie
made with kale and pineapple. Now, most adults would cringe at this particular flavor
combination, yet every one of the children who helped wash and tear up the kale and took part in
the preparation process not only tasted this concoction but pronounced it delicious and went
back for more. Then Mr. Parker filled a tray with samples of the smoothie and brought it out to
share with the children in another classroom. Guess what? Not one of them would so much as
try it. It would be difficult to find more persuasive evidence of the value of including children in
food preparation.
Giving your children a way to contribute encourages the growth of their sense
of initiative, teaches them life skills, invites them to see themselves as contributing
members of the family or community, and builds their sense of belonging.
Create Moments That Draw You Together
Lunch at the Roundtree Child Care Center is a special time— the children join hands
around the table, one child is invited to share something she feels grateful for, and then they take
turns squeezing the hand of the person on their right, so the "squeeze" goes all around the circle
before the children begin their meal. Ezra is from a traditional Jewish family, and before each meal
in his home, he recites special Hebrew prayers. In Jenny's family, each person stands at his or
her place at the table, and when all have gathered, they sing grace together. At Mafia's home, the
whole family meditates in silence for several minutes before beginning each meal.
In our busy families, meals are often eaten on the run—everyone has
somewhere to go, and the moments of communication and togetherness can be lost if
we're not careful. Rituals—spiritual or not—can be wonderful ways to preserve the
sense of family and teach your children to value it, and to create warm and loving
moments with your children. The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse
at Columbia University has linked family dinnertime to such diverse issues as a reduced
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risk for alcohol and drug abuse, lower suicide rates, and improved school performance.
Those are pretty compelling reasons for making time for family meals—and for
making mealtimes with our families pleasant. These times spent gathered around the
table offer priceless opportunities for connection and closeness—times to create
memories that feed our souls as much as Grandma's home- baked bread once fed our
bodies. Food is for eating (not for force- feeding), and it should never become fuel for
family feuds.
Set Guidelines for Finishing Up
Should children be expected to sit quietly until everyone has finished eating? Or
should they be allowed to leave the table to play quietly? There is no "right" answer,
but it may be wise to decide the matter beforehand rather than arguing over the cold
mashed potatoes.
Even young children can be involved in some aspect of cleaning up after a meal.
If your child can walk on his own. He probably can clear away his plate, scrape off
uneaten food, or load his utensils into the dishwasher. Many child care programs will
set out small basins for mealtime leftovers and provide different bins where children
can sort their dishes, cutlery, and cups. Some centers go a step further and allow
children to take turns bringing the food scraps to a worm bin or the center's compost
container, thus adding a new level of learning as children come to appreciate the
relationship between food and the environment.
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Allergies, Medications, and Special Diets
Many a battle is being fought to "make" children take their medications or to
"make" them avoid foods that create serious problems. It is amazing what children are
willing to suffer to avoid being controlled. We emphasize over and over how important
it is to engage children in the problem-solving process so that they develop thinking
skills and problem-solving skills— and so that they feel empowered and capable. Here
are some suggestions.
• Avoid lectures. Instead, engage children in self-exploration by asking
"what," "why," and "how" questions 'What happens when you don't take
your medication (or when you eat this food]?" "Flow do you feel when
that happens?" "What ideas do you have to solve this problem?" (This will
not be effective if children sense even a hint of a lecture instead, of true
curiosity about their thinking and ability to learn and solve problems.)
• Involve children in creating a medication routine. Decide together on a
time of day that works best for both of you. Work together on creating a
reminder chart and on reminder methods (such as an alarm watch thatgoes off at the same time every day).
• Take your child to the library to explore food allergies—and exactly what
happens to the body. (Be sure your goal is education, not fear.)
• Decide what you will do. This could mean that you are willing to take
responsibility to kindly remind your child every day at medication time,
or that you will stay out of it because you have faith in your child to
handle the problem or to learn from mistakes. (If the problem is lifethreatening, choose the former and do it without lectures or the display of
over concern.)
• Recognize that you may not always be around to supervise your child's
diet or medications. In age-appropriate ways (and with kind, firm
supervision), allow your child to take responsibility for measuring,
mixing, and remembering. Remember that confidence and competence
come from practice.
OVERWEIGHT CHILDREN
More and more children are becoming overweight, with serious implications for
their long-term health. The seeds for this problem are planted very early on. There are
genetic causes as well. When overweight is genetic, it is very important to help children
feel accepted just as they are—and to work with them (if they want help) on how to
manage their challenge in life.
Being overweight can create a vicious cycle when children also feel low selfesteem. Low self-esteem may invite overeating to fill the emptiness. Children will do
better when they feel better. Offer lots of unconditional love and encouragement by
stating that you have faith in them to deal with the challenge of being overweight—if
they want to. Offer your support, not your control. Many of the ideas suggested to
avoid power struggles over medications and food allergies are also effective for
overweight children.
Of course, modeling is very important. Don't expect children to do something
you have not done. Take care of your own weight issues (you might even work
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together on this). Together you can prepare healthy meals and avoid putting junk food
on the shopping list.
EXERCISE
Here it comes again: turn off the TV. We have discussed the reasons that too
much television is not healthy for brain development, but of course you know that it
also is not healthy for the rest of the body.
Children need your guidance. It is much easier to enjoy the peace and quiet
while your children watch TV, but it will be healthier for all of you if you go outside and
play ball. Consider teaching children some of the pastimes people enjoyed before TV
took over. Make your home movement-friendly. Designate spaces where running or
tossing soft balls is allowed, such as a long hallway or a playroom with minimal (and
unbreakable) furnishings. Try to get your apartment complex to sanction an area for
active (supervised) play.
Go for walks, which are both fun and practical, especially if the family dog or
pot-bellied pig needs exercise, too. Cap off an evening with a family swim night once
each week. Turn technology into part of the solution by renting child or family exercise
videos and using them to exercise together. Play music and dance around the house, or
have a basket of bells, tambourines, and other noisemakers to make your own music.
Have fun, and everyone will reap the benefits.
If the school your child attends is eliminating recess (and many are), become an
advocate for reinstating it. Share the statistics about childhood obesity and how
important regular exercise is for a child's brain and body.
Television, Advertising, and Obesity
The Institute of Medicine recently: released a summary of 120 studies on children
and food marketing. They found that advertising scattered throughout children's
commercial television programming is saturated with plugs for fat-, salt; or sugarladen, treats with little nutritional value. This advertising heavily influences what
children younger than twelve *pester their parents to buy. The institute found that
children younger than four cannot distinguish between an advertisement and
entertainment, programming and do not understand that advertisements are intended
to sell products.'
The report also notes that U.S. companies spent an estimated $10 billion in 4094
to marina food, beverages, and meals to children. Such studies led the American
Psychological Association in 2004 to conclude that advertising to children younger than
eight exploits them and should be restricted—by law, if necessary.
BON APPÉTIT!
Remember that allowing children to be involved, encouraging mutual trust and
respect, and having realistic expectations will take much of the struggle out of eating
and may make mealtimes together an event the entire family looks forward to. No
matter how tempting the foods on your table, your child must choose to eat them.
Remember: you can't make 'em do it!
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14
The Ongoing Saga of Toilet Training
Wait just one moment!" you may be thinking. "Surely preschoolers have
mastered toilet training. Aren't kids supposed to be trained by the age of three?" Well,
not necessarily. Bathroom habits and hygiene remain issues of concern for young
children and their parents well beyond the age of three—or even four. Few topics
arouse such strong emotions as potty training.
RELAX!
Your child is still in diapers, and more and more of the neighbors' kids are
becoming potty trained. What should you do? Should you love your child just as he is?
Should you avoid power struggles? Should you engage your child in joint problem
solving to figure out what will work for him—and how to clean up messes when he
makes mistakes? Or should you feel embarrassed and competitive, and try to make
him do what he is "supposed" to do?
If you answer yes to the last of these, it is likely that you are engaged in a power
struggle. It might be helpful to review the section on power struggles on pages 159-162.
Toileting is one of the areas where a child can be most stubborn as he proves to you
that "you can't make me."
Q. I have a son who needs to be potty trained. He turned three a couple of
months ago. He does not like to use the potty. He does not show me signs when he has
to go, but he will tell me when to change him. I feel so discouraged. Please, I need some
advice!
A. We can hear your desperation. It is so hard to keep changing diapers as
children grow older. Children develop on their own schedules where toileting is
involved. Your son's delay in using the toilet is magnified by your own
discouragement. He will succeed eventually, but it may take more patience than you
knew you had.
Difficult as it may be, try to deemphasize the whole issue. Your son can read
your nonverbal messages and knows that his toilet habits are extremely important to
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you—which is an invitation to a power struggle. Meanwhile, when he needs to be
changed, show him ways he may help out. He can help wash or wipe himself off, help
empty the stool into the toilet bowl, and wash his own hands afterward. In the
meantime, enjoy him and his other life successes. Express your confidence that he will
use the potty successfully one day. He, too, needs encouragement.
You will be amazed at how quickly time passes when you detach emotionally
from the potty-training issue. Your detachment will eliminate power struggles and may
actually speed up the process. Children are much more likely to become interested in
potty training when allowed to do so according to their own timetable—and when
there is nothing to rebel against. A big part of detaching and relaxing is to know that a
number of things can cause a temporary setback.
What Time Is the Right Time?
A study at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia recently found that children
acquire toilet skills more readily when their parents choose the right time to begin
training. When children began toilet training before twenty- seven months, the process
took a year or more; when children began training between twenty-seven and thirtysix months, training took five to ten months. According to this study, the optimal time
for speedy toilet training is when a child is just shy of his third birthday. It takes
approximately five months to toilet train a child when he begins between the ages of
thirty-three and thirty-six months.
SETBACKS: "WHOOPS!"
When a child is experiencing new things—a new preschool, a new house, or a
new sibling—it's common for potty training to suffer a setback. A new environment or
an especially exciting activity can cause a child not to pay attention to his body's signals;
other major life events, such as death, divorce, illness, or travel, can interfere with
toileting. All of these events represent major adjustments in a child's life, and toilet
issues often take second place to coping with change.
Your attitude as a parent or caregiver will make all the difference in how your
child handles accidents. Imagine how confused and discouraged a child might feel when
she not only loses control of her body but faces a parent's anger and disappointment as
well.
Tara was four years old when she was asked to be a flower girl in her aunt's wedding.
She wore a lovely long white gown made especially for her with a lacy veil and a tiny pearl
necklace. People smiled and nodded at her as she walked down the aisle scattering rose petals,
and Tara glowed with the attention and excitement.
The reception was beautiful, and Tara was thrilled by the festivity around her. She had
crawled under a table and was listening to the adults talking when she became aware of
something she'd been ignoring all afternoon. Before she could get up, it happened: she had a
bowel movement, soiling her lovely white dress.
When Tara's mother discovered her, she was horrified. "I can't imagine what got into
Tara," she told the assembled aunts and grandmothers. "She never does this anymore."
Turning to her crying daughter, she said coldly, "You should be ashamed of yourself." Tara was
changed into her old play clothes and spent the rest of the day hiding from everyone.
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When children have toileting accidents, the last thing they need is a disapproving
audience. Tara's mother could have taken her quietly aside, helped her to change, and
explained to her daughter that excitement can sometimes make us forget to do the
things we should.
It may be wisdom to keep a change of clothing nearby when your child is
learning to use the toilet. It is also immeasurably helpful to be patient and to offer your
child unconditional love and acceptance. Once you have taken into account your child's
personal clock, provided him with appropriate clothing and accessible facilities, and
taken time to train him in the skills he needs, it is time to relax, celebrate his successes,
and sympathize with his disappointments.
CONSTIPATION
Bowel control is another issue where a parent's desire to speed training may
cause complications. Some children will not release their stool, sometimes to the point
of physical damage.
Quentin's grandma had a lot to say on the issue of toilet training, most of it to his mother.
"My children were all trained by the time they were two," she said disapprovingly, glaring at
three-year-old Quentin while his diaper was being changed.
So Quentin's mom embarked on a full-scale assault. Quentin was placed on the toilet
several times each day while his mom knelt nearby and urged him on. Quentin grew to hate the
bathroom, and so did his mom. She would encourage, threaten, and scold; he responded by
refusing to produce the desired result— anywhere or anytime. Before long, Quentin even lost
the ability to respond to his body's signals and could no longer tell when he needed to have a
bowel movement.
One day at his regular checkup, his pediatrician gave Quentin and his mom the news: he
had a severely impacted bowel, with stool backed up well into his intestines. Daily doses of
mineral oil and enemas were prescribed to relieve the problem, and both mother and son shed
many a tear until the problem—which need never have existed—was resolved.
It is never helpful to force toileting issues. If your child is resistant, first look for
natural or environmental causes. Does your child eat sufficient fiber to produce soft,
regular bowel movements? If not, switch to juices containing fiber, such as peach or
apricot nectar. A spoonful of prune juice mixed in with other foods might help. Serve
kiwi fruit daily, and your child's stools should improve quickly. Children may reject
cereal such as raisin bran or other high-fiber choices unless they are baked in muffins.
Serve fewer dairy products and apple juice, which tend to be constipating. But do be
careful: don't set up a new power struggle trying to get him to eat these foods! Offer
them, as in make them available—don't force-feed them.
It is also possible that your child is experiencing excessive stress. Major life
changes affect all family members. One parent, concerned over her own father's
terminal illness, did not make the connection between her struggle to face this crisis and
the toileting problems her son experienced. Although he had been totally potty trained,
he began having daily accidents. When the family crisis resolved itself, his problems
disappeared.
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What about the expectations placed on a child?
The Mackey family deferred all kinds of decisions to their four-year-old. "Where should
we eat dinner?" they asked. "Should
Mommy and Daddy go out tonight?" "Do you want to go to preschool this morning?"
The list went on and on. This child experienced severe constipation because she felt
overwhelmed by all the decisions placed on her shoulders. Her parents worried that setting
limits would restrict her too much. They went so far in the other direction that she experienced
enormous distress.
Pushing a child to master too many tasks by signing him up for an endless string
of classes may create stress. Similarly, expecting perfection from your child invites
anxiety. Though some children may show interest in learning new skills early on,
forcing them to do so takes an emotional toll. One of the areas where children display
the results of such stress is in toileting problems.
Finally, control issues play a role in stool retention problems. Avoiding power
struggles, empowering your child in positive ways, and encouraging cooperation are as
effective in solving bowel problems as they are in other areas of family life.
OTHER CHALLENGES
Children with other problems, such as attention deficit disorder, often have a
high percentage of associated bowel control problems. Other physical or biological
conditions can also affect toileting. Here are a few tips that may help.
A child who is having difficulty defecating may loosen up and relax his muscles if
he blows bubbles while sitting on the toilet. It is difficult to squeeze and blow at the
same time! Playing a harmonica offers the same benefits.
Some children need a gradual approach to mastery. When you notice your child
having a bowel movement, accompany him to the bathroom (but leave his diaper on).
This may create a positive, comfortable association with being near a toilet while
pooping.
If your child appears anxious about the toilet itself or is frightened by the
loudness of the flushing sound or a fear of falling in, find opportunities to talk gently
about his fears. Wait to flush the toilet until after he leaves the bathroom and help him
to see that his body is bigger than the toilet opening (or provide a potty chair if that
feels safer). By tuning into your child's feelings, you may promote and improve potty
success without creating power struggles or inviting him to feel shame and discouragement. Toileting can be harder for some children to master than it is for others.
Simply knowing that your child is not the only one experiencing such difficulties may
help you cope with this troubling behavior.
THE IMPORTANCE OF PATIENCE
Sometimes the passage of time is all that is required for children to master the
toilet. We heard from one set of parents who were at the end of their rope. They had
tried everything with their three-and-ahalf-year-old and nothing worked; he was still
wetting his pants several times a day. Six months later, we heard back from the same
parents, who were relieved that their child had become fully toilet- trained. "It's
amazing how time works wonders," they wrote us. Be patient; your child will learn.
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Important Factors and Attitudes to End Toilet Battles
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Physical readiness
Ease of wakefulness
Understanding your child's perspective
Logic versus power struggles
Inviting cooperation
Detach, relax, and enjoy
The reality is that a child will use the toilet when he is ready to do so. You can
cheer, beg, and threaten, but hang on to your diapers. Each child has his or her own
unique schedule—and absolute control.
HOW CAN YOU SET YOUR CHILD UP FOR SUCCESS?
There are six important factors that can help parents set the stage for this
important developmental milestone: physical readiness, ease of wakefulness,
understanding your child's perspective, logic versus power struggles, inviting
cooperation, and detach, relax, and enjoy.
Physical Readiness
Many children become potty-trained before they reach the preschool years. This
fact adds to the frustration of parents whose preschoolers have not yet reached this
important step in the socialization process. The delay could be due to power struggles
between the child and his parents, or it could be because the child is not yet physically
ready to perceive and respond to the signals sent by his body. He also must have a
bladder large enough to allow him to wait for increasingly long periods of time before
urinating, especially for overnight control. The reality is that some children simply don't
develop bladder control as soon as others.
Bridget was very familiar with the level of bladder control of her three children. This
knowledge helped her know how quickly they needed to stop the car when the children requested
a bathroom stop on long trips. In response to seven-year-old Kenny's request, Bridget would
remind her husband, "We can keep driving for about twenty minutes." When three-year-old
Lori would ask for a bathroom, Bridget would say, "Well, we have about ten minutes to find a
good stopping place." However, when five-year-old Jacob said, "I have to go," Bridget would say,
"Pull over immediately. If we can't find a bush, Jacob will just have to settle for the side of the
road."
Ease of Wakefulness
Another important factor in toilet training is ease of wakefulness. Many children
who remain bed welters during and even beyond their preschool years are the same
children who have difficulty waking up. Even sheets with alarms that go off when
urination begins sometimes do not wake these children. When parents try getting their
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heavy sleepers up in the night to take them to the toilet, they are like limp rags who
cannot stand or sit. They simply cannot wake up. Lighter sleepers may fuss and
complain when awakened for a night trip to the toilet, but boys can still stand up,
though seemingly half asleep, and girls can sit on the toilet without falling off. Some
children cannot wake enough to do either.
All children should always be treated with dignity and respect, but it is especially
discouraging to use punishment with children who don't have the physical capacity to
do what is expected of them. An understanding of readiness may inspire more patience.
Understanding Your Child's Perspective
Imagine for a moment that you are a very small child. You know that Mom and
Dad are eager for you to learn to use the potty, to be a "big boy" and wear "big-boy
pants." Suddenly, you feel that strange tingly feeling that you are beginning to
recognize as meaning that you have to go. So you head toward the bathroom,
becoming aware as you trot down the hall that there may not be a lot of time. You
know you have to get your pants down, but the buckles on your overalls are stiff and
your fingers are so small. Then you glance at the toilet, which looks very tall from your
point of view. Maybe, you think, a little assistance is called for. But by the time you alert
Mom, Dad, or the teacher, it's too late.
No wonder children often decide that it's easier just to stay in diapers!
Understanding the occasionally overwhelming nature of the task can help parents set
the stage for their child's success. Remember, toilet training is vitally important to
diaper-weary adults—but rarely does it matter that much to a child. As with eating and
sleeping, creating a toilet-friendly environment with easy-off clothing and kind training
is a parent's job; deciding when (and where) to go is a child's!
Logic Versus Power Struggles
Parents often rely on logic in their attempts to resolve problems, but issues such
as potty training are sometimes based on illogical power struggles. The more
determined parents become to have urination and defecation take place in the toilet, the
more determined many preschoolers become to have it take place somewhere else—
usually in their pants.
Remember, your child is still developing a sense of autonomy and probably has
an "I can do it" attitude. When parents try taking control of a child's bodily functions,
they often meet with resistance. It could be that the child is deciding (at a subconscious
level), "I'd rather walk around in urine-soaked pants than give up my sense of power."
In other words, when parents insist on winning power struggles, the only option
for the child is to become the loser . . . and children will fight diligently to avoid being
the loser. So the power struggles continue. Since parents are the "mature" ones, it is up
to them to end the power struggles and find ways to invite cooperation.
Q. I'm at my wits' end. I have a four-year-old boy who, after a playdate with an
older cousin, learned the joys of peeing off a bridge. Now he is peeing everywhere: on
the carpet, in the trash can, off the porch, and so on. It seems to be an act of rebellion,
often happening after I tell him to do something he doesn't want to do (like get
dressed). We've tried time-outs (which only precipitate a tantrum) and taking away
privileges (TV, computer time, or dessert). I have to admit I spanked him in frustration
when I caught him in the act last time. I've tried talking to him about this problem, but I
get nowhere. I'm at a loss. Help!
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A. What a great opportunity for you to make some changes that could redirect
these power struggles into useful power. Four-year- olds are ready to use their
personal power in ways that contribute to the family. When parents use controlling
methods and punishment, children resort to destructive power instead.
Our crystal ball suggests that when you say, "I've tried talking with him," what
you really mean is, "We've sat down and I talked, and talked, and talked, and lectured,
and lectured, and lectured." Maybe our crystal ball is wrong, but "talking" often means
"telling"—over and over again. Our first suggestion is for you to stop telling and start
asking curiosity questions. You might ask, "What happened? How do you feel about
what happened? How does this create a problem for you or for others? What ideas do
you have to solve this problem?" It is essential that these questions be asked in a calm
and friendly tone of voice and with a sincere curiosity about your child's point of view
(instead of trying to convince him to share your point of view). You may have to wait
awhile between finding a stain and talking to your son so that you don't sound angry.
Inviting discussion (rather than lecturing) will help your child develop thinking skills,
awareness of the consequences of his choices, and problem-solving skills. Telling invites
your child to become defensive or even more rebellious.
Another possibility is to get him involved by teaching him to use his power to
engage in problem solving in all the areas of his life, not just where toilet habits are
involved. This can take many forms:
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Ask him what he needs to do in a given situation. If it is morning and time
to get dressed, ask what he needs to do when he finishes eating.
Work together to create routine charts. You might be surprised by how
well this invites cooperation instead of rebellion.
Stop using any form of punishment, including punitive time-outs. Your
child will feel positive power if he chooses the time-out. He will feel
rebellious if you make him go.
Start having regular family meetings so your child will learn respect and
problem-solving skills. If your son has many opportunities to use his
power in useful ways, he is less likely to be rebellious.
Teach him to clean up any mess he makes. With a kind and firm tone of
voice say, "You'll need to clean that up. Would you like my help or do you
want to do it by yourself?" If he resists, say, "Would a hug help you feel
better? I know you will want to take care of this problem when you feel
better." (When doing this, always be sure to help a child wash with soap
and water afterward.)
All of the methods we suggest create positive long-range results. Ask yourself,
"Do I want to make my child pay for what he did, or do I want to help him learn to do
better in the future?"
Inviting Cooperation
Not surprisingly, potty training is just that: training. And there are many things
parents can do to make it easier. The first involves your attitude. Knowing your child's
temperament and abilities will help you keep your expectations reasonable. If you are
relaxed and comfortable, your child is likely to feel the same way.
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Be sure to train your child to wash his hands thoroughly. Have a stool available
so he can each the sink, with soap and a towel for drying within easy reach. One
preschool teaches children to sing this song (to the tune of "Skip to M'Lou") while they
wash their hands (when repeated twice, the song lasts about twenty seconds, just the
time it takes to kill E. coil bacteria).
Wash, wash, wash your hands
Wash your hands together
Scrub, scrub, scrub your hands,
Till they're clean. and sparkly
Pressure to succeed will only frustrate both of you. If accidents happen—and
they will—be patient. If your child is wet, change her. If she is old enough, buy pull-up
diapers so that she can change herself (which often encourages a child to be more
aware of her body's signals). Be sure, however, that you never humiliate or shame a
child about toileting setbacks. Dry pants aren't worth damaged self-esteem.
It can help to train your child in the steps he must master along the road to the
successful use of the toilet. It's a good idea to provide clothing that is easily pulled down
(and up); elastic waistbands are perfect. If the weather is warm, wearing underpants
alone (or nothing at all) may simplify the process.
Having regular toilet times may encourage youngsters to develop the habit of
using the bathroom regularly. When leaving for an outing (even a short one), it is wise
to invite a young child to use the toilet beforehand. (Most parents quickly learn where
the restrooms at the neighborhood grocery store are located.)
Miss Ellen decided to take her preschool class on a field trip to pick blueberries. They
blithely sailed out of the preschool together and into a nearby field. Trouble soon arose, however;
Ellen had forgotten to remind the children to use the toilet before leaving, and now the only
option was a well-used outhouse. Ellen spent most of her field trip holding one child after another
over the outhouse toilet, and she never forgot pre- outing reminders again!
Pull-ups and extra-strength diapers are now available for children two and a half,
three, and even four and five years old. Unfortunately, extra-dry diapers may actually
discourage toilet training because children remain comfortable and never feel wet. It
may be wise to consider using less effective diapers, or those specially designed for
training.
Detach, Relax, and Enjoy
When readiness and training have
been taken into account, it is time to relax
and trust that successful toileting will
result in due time. Perhaps the best advice
is simply this: relax. Using the toilet on his
own is a very significant thing for your
child to do. When he's ready, he'll do it—
and probably not a moment sooner.
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MAKE SURE THE MESSAGE OF LOVE GETS THROUGH
There are many ways to get the message of love through to children. One of the
most important is to offer your trust. Sleeping, eating, and toileting can be
battlegrounds where parents and children oppose each other, or they can be
opportunities for sharing respect, kindness, and encouragement. Healthy sleeping,
eating, and toileting habits are gifts that will serve your children well. You may not be
able to make 'em do it, but there is much you can do to set the stage for success.
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FAMILY MEETINGS WITH PRESCHOOLERS
If you have older children, you may have already discovered the many benefits
of having family meetings. If your children are preschoolers, the concept may be new;
you may even question the value of having family meetings with young children. You
may wonder, "What can my preschooler possibly learn? Will she be able to sit still?
How can a little child solve problems?"
Family meetings teach children that they are valuable, capable members of the
family, and you may be amazed at your preschooler's resourcefulness and creativity.
Preschoolers can offer compliments, help solve problems, plan family fun, and learn to
express their needs and get help in positive (and surprisingly enjoyable) ways. Regular
family meetings will help you and your children build a sense of mutual respect, trust,
understanding, and love—and that can lay the foundation for the many years that lie
ahead.
Here are a few ideas to keep in mind when beginning family meetings with
preschoolers:
Be realistic. You can have worthwhile, entertaining family meetings with children
as young as three years old, but remember that the younger the child, the shorter the
attention span is likely to be. Keep your meetings short and to the point; that way, no
one will get tired of them.
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Make family meetings a priority. Our busy lives have a tendency to get in
the way of even our best intentions. If you want your family meetings to
work, set a regular time to get together, and stick to it. Older children
often have commitments such as sports or music lessons, the timing for
which cannot be controlled. It may be helpful to create a family calendar
that shows each member's upcoming activities, and to use it to plan future
meetings. Remember, it is easier for everyone to practice the skills when
meetings happen consistently. Don't allow telephone calls, chores, or
other distractions to get in the way. Making the time you spend as a
family a priority will help you build a sense of unity and will let your
young children know that you value them and the time you spend
together.
Begin each meeting with compliments and appreciations. This can feel
awkward at first, especially if you have siblings who are more
comfortable putting each other down, but looking for and commenting
on the positive will encourage everyone and will get your meeting off to a
friendly start. A variation some families prefer is to end the meeting with
appreciations instead of beginning with them. When difficult issues are
dealt with or strong emotions emerge, ending with appreciations and
compliments can set a healing tone.
Post an agenda board in a handy place and help your preschoolers use it.
Even young children can "write" their problems and concerns in an
agenda notebook or make a mark to indicate they have something to talk
about. Taking these concerns seriously (and being careful not to
immediately squelch your little one's sometimes unrealistic ideas) will
show your children that you value them. The mere act of writing down a
problem can be the first step to finding a peaceful, effective solution.
Leave time for fun. Make sure part of your meeting is devoted to just
enjoying each other, perhaps by playing a game, watching a video
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together, planning a family activity, sharing a special dessert, or reading a
favorite story.
However you decide to do them, family meetings are one of the best habits you
and your children can get into and will help you stay tuned in throughout the
increasingly busy years ahead. For more information on family meetings with children
of all ages, refer to Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ballantine, 2006, and Top Ten
Preschool Parenting Problems by Roslyn Ann Duffy, Exchange Press, 2007.
A LEARNING OPPORTUNITY
Class and family meetings are astonishingly productive, teaching many life skills
while helping children develop a strong sense of belonging. Adults sometimes
underestimate the ability of young children to be creative and responsible, and class
and family meetings allow this learning opportunity for everyone. You may discover
that the youngsters in your care not only learn self-esteem and cooperation but have a
marvelous time as well!
As we have learned, preschoolers are capable of contributing to meetings, even
when very young and without well-developed problem- solving abilities. If your child
is participating in class meetings at preschool, you will be amazed at how quickly he
applies his new abilities at home, and it may inspire you to hold the same kinds of
meetings with your family. The reverse is also true. You may wish to encourage your
child's preschool to begin class meetings. The gift of this book will provide an excellent
blueprint for success. Family and class meetings are a wonderful way for children and
adults to experience cooperation, compassion, and problem solving, and to have fun
learning together.
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17
THE WORLD "OUT THERE"
Dealing with the Influence of Technology and Culture
It's hard to imagine, but there was once a time when television and computers
did not exist and families entertained themselves by reading books, gathering around
the piano to sing, or telling stories aloud. You may find yourself wishing for simpler
times, but, like it or not, there is no going back. Television, computers, the Internet,
digital music players, and video games are here to stay, and new devices are
undoubtedly just around the corner. At some point in your child's early years, you
must make a decision about the place these technological terrors will occupy in your
home. (In this chapter, "screen time" refers to the time your child spends on television,
computers, video games, and other electronic devices.)
Consider the following:
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The average American family has 2.75 television sets.
Sixty-six percent of American children have a television in their bedroom
(including 20 percent of children between two and seven years old).
Average viewing time for children and adolescents in America is more
than twenty-one hours per week, or nearly one-fifth of a child's waking
hours.
Television viewing may affect attention span by conditioning children to
short bits of information delivered in rapid succession.
American advertisers spend approximately $15 billion each year
marketing products to children.
Having a television on in the background appears to hamper a child's
ability to learn language.
Increased television viewing is directly linked to obesity; the more time
children spend in front of a screen, the less time they spend running, using
their imaginations, and learning social and life skills.
Exposure to TV violence in childhood is linked to aggressive behavior in
young adulthood for both males and females.
Many children learn to operate sophisticated remote controls before their third
birthday. Preschoolers around the world learn how to use computers, video games,
and handheld DVD players, and sit mesmerized in front of screens to watch a cartoon,
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view a video, or play a digital game. In many homes television is even part of a child's
bedtime routine; few parents are aware that television viewing before bed may disturb
children's sleep patterns. Some children routinely fall asleep on the floor in front of the
television screen rather than in their own beds.
Software designers are quick to promote "educational" programs for very young
children, urging parents to start early to teach computer literacy to their small fry. One
British study reported that the number of hours devoted to children's programming
had increased ten times in the decade from 1995 to 2005. Wise parents learn to
thoughtfully consider whether they will have the strongest influence in a child's life—or
whether that influence will be handed over to television and advertisements. Who is
most likely to have your child's best interests at heart?
CONSUMER KIDS
Children's television characters jump off the screen and onto lunch boxes, cuddly
plush animals, and T-shirts, and children clamor for toys and products (often junk food,
candy, or sugary beverages) bearing the image of their favorite television or video
characters. Where is the demarcation line between marketing to kids and entertaining
them? Unfortunately, there isn't one. It costs a lot to produce children's programming,
but unlike adults, children don't have checkbooks, nor will a thirty-second ad have as
much staying power in their minds as do the characters they have come to admire. The
program itself must become the advertisement—and that is exactly what happens.
Marketing to children is a very deliberate process. Children as young as one to
four years old are studied in focus groups to determine their play patterns. After being
shown a sample program, they are watched to determine the type of play they will
engage in. Will they want to look like that character? Then maybe dress-up clothing
spin-offs are called for. Do they want to play a nurturing mommy or daddy game?
Then maybe a plush toy conducive to cuddling.
These are rather benign examples of commercialism aimed at young children.
The less savory examples involve merchandise that disregards children's needs. These
include sugar-laden snack products, sexualized or stereotyped toys, or equipment that
promotes violent play. Issues about commercialism are relevant to parenting and care
giving because they affect what children learn and the decisions children make.
Children's growth also is affected physically (through poor nutrition and less active or
outdoor play), emotionally (through the limiting nature of stereotypes), and
intellectually (by superseding creative pursuits or time spent reading and being read
to).
There is another subtle but insidious way in which the media influence children
and adults alike. Advertising often creates dissatisfaction over things they don't have.
Whether you have to deal with a meltdown at the mall over a toy princess doll, call a
halt to a breakfast conflict over the cereal, or find yourself separating two children on
the playground who are reenacting a cartoon battle, media's messages and modeling
affect us all.
It is no accident that advertisers target children for their products. Young
children may not have much spending money, but they certainly know people who
do—and children are often able to whine, beg, and manipulate parents into buying the
toy, product, or snack food of the moment. In addition to other safeguards, consider
becoming more proactive by letting advertisers know when you object to their marketing to young children. Your voice does count.
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TELEVISION: FRIEND OR FOE?
Q. My four-year-old twins watch television most afternoons. They also love to
play video games with their older cousins. We try to make sure they aren't exposed to
really violent things, but it seems harder than ever to screen out the images that are
scary or that model aggressive behavior. Yesterday one of the twins jumped onto his
brother's back and aimed a karate-like chop at his neck. I was horrified. I feel I have lost
control over the harmful influences that my boys are being exposed to, but I can't
simply lock them away from the world. What can I do?
A. Experts have spent a great deal of time over the past decade or two studying
the effects of television and video game violence on young children. (For examples, as
well as ratings for games and other programs, check David Walsh's excellent Web site,
www.mediawise.org.) They have discovered that television and video violence may
have a stronger effect on young children than previously thought. A forty-year
longitudinal study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health and conducted by
the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan found cornpelling
evidence linking a child's exposure to media violence to a lasting tendency for violent
and aggressive behavior later in life.
Children learn a great deal about behavior and attitudes by imitating others.
Remember, young children cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy in the
same way older children and adults can. They also may be more likely to imitate
aggressive behavior, especially aggression that goes unpunished or is performed in the
service of "good" (as in superhero cartoons or movies). One recent study found that
between 60 and 90 percent of the most popular video games have violent themes.
Children who see screen violence are less likely to develop empathy for others; after all,
if people on TV get shot and kicked and punched and are still okay (and they usually
are), what's the problem? As one young child explained to his dad, "I was only killing
him."
The best ways to deal with the effect of video and television violence on your
child is to limit his exposure and to do lots of teaching. Watch programs or games with
him and be sure you teach him the values you want him to adopt. Television viewing
encourages passivity; critical thinking and learning occur only when dialog takes place.
Let your child know kindly but firmly that kicking, punching, or hitting is not
acceptable in your family and that real people suffer pain and harm when they are
kicked or punched. Most important, put a cap on the time he spends in front of the
screen—any screen—and substitute active play and conversation.
THE CULTURE OF DISRESPECT
Television, music, movies, and the culture in general have a subtle but pervasive
influence on family life. Not too many years ago, the after- dinner hours were
considered "family time"; programming was intended for children as well as adults, and
profanity, sexual innuendo, and other adult influences were forbidden. And up until the
1990s, children's programming was designed only for children older than three.
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Think about the programs that are broadcast regularly in prime time. What
messages do they teach about respect for adults, courtesy, and cooperation? Even the
evening news programs routinely deal with subject matter that most parents find
inappropriate for young children. Certainly there are exceptions, but a great deal of the
music, movies, and television available to young people fosters an attitude of disrespect
toward others. (Remember, even if you limit your child's exposure to media, he will
undoubtedly encounter a great deal of it in the company of other children at his child
care center, the neighbor's house, and family get-togethers.)
GOOD PARENTING IN A TECHNOLOGICAL WORLD
It is essential that you stay aware and that you actively teach the character values
and skills you want your child to practice. Limit screen time; question what he sees
happening in a program and discuss whether or not those actions are appropriate.
Encourage him to question what he sees, too.
Here are some ways to manage television and technology for young children.
Monitor Your Own Habits
It is difficult to limit your child's exposure to television, video games, and the
computer when you never turn them off yourself. In fact, most adult relationships
would improve if the screens were turned off more often. Be sure the television is off
during family meals and conversations. (Consider recording the news so that adults can
view disturbing events after children are in bed.) If you rely on the computer to work
at home, make an effort to do as much of that work as possible during times when
your child is occupied elsewhere. You are your child's most important role model; be
sure you practice the values you expect your child to
learn.
Allow Televisions, Video Games, and
Computers Only in Common Areas of the House
We can think of no reason for a child younger
than eight to have a television in his room—yet we
know many who do, complete with video recorder
and DVD player. Your child does not yet have the
ability to choose his own viewing material—no matter
how well he operates the remote. Be sure that all
screens are located where you can easily view them
along with your child. Supervision is essential,
especially at this age, because screen time is addictive.
A television located in a child's room encourages isolation instead of connection. When
you combine addiction and isolation, you have a child who is developing habits of life
numbness instead of life enjoyment. When the TV is in a common room (such as the
family room), family members have the opportunity to negotiate what to watch and
when.
Limit Time Spent in Front of the Screen
There is increasing evidence that screen time before the age of eight can
negatively influence brain development. (The American Association of Pediatrics
recommends that children two years old and younger watch no television at all.) You
may choose to allow your child to watch a favorite program or video, but far too many
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children spend hours each day in front of the screen. Remember, your little one needs
active play, time outdoors, conversation with you, and things to manipulate and
explore far more than he needs the "educational" programs on television. Intellectual,
emotional, and physical development all require activity and practice with other
humans; the most important factor in healthy development is connection with parents
and other caregivers. Children who feel connected to important others in their lives are
less likely to engage in serious misbehavior. (We say "serious" because so much
misbehavior is developmentally appropriate as part of the individuation process of
testing and discovering boundaries.)
Watch or Play with Your Child
There is no better way to monitor the content of programs or videos (and to
observe their effect on your child) than to watch or play with him. Invite your little one
to teach you his favorite video game; settle down next to him to watch his special
cartoon. You can ask curiosity questions to learn more and to engage your child in
exercising his thinking skills. Curiosity is a great parenting tool and may help you
understand your child's fascination with what he sees. You will also know when
material is inappropriate for your child—and can turn it off.
Actively Teach the Values You Believe In
When parents don't teach, the culture will. Nature, it is said, abhors a vacuum,
and the values and ideals of the mass culture will rush in to fill any empty space you
leave in your child's education. Be sure you find opportunities to teach about respect,
compassion, cooperation, and kindness. (Early experiences prepare the brain for future
mastery.) When inappropriate behavior or attitudes occur in programs you are
watching together, use them as teaching moments to help your child learn a better
way. ("What would you have said to that boy?"
"How would you feel if that happened to you?")
When all else fails, pull the plug and find
something better to do. In fact, having the
courage to pull the plug may be a good place to
start. We know of one family who purchased a
small TV that could be hidden with a toaster
cover. They would bring it out only for special
programs that were planned in advance.
Spend Time Building a Real Relationship
with Your Child
There is so much to do with young
children. Your child craves real connection with you; when he has it, he is less likely to
look for stimulation and company elsewhere. (And, as mentioned above, he is less
likely to misbehave.) As your child grows, his peers and the culture will become
increasingly important. Be sure you take the time each day to connect with your little
one and to explore the world you share.
WHAT ABOUT THE COMPUTER?
Much has been said and written about the importance of computer literacy. In a
rapidly changing world, Americans are being urged to interest their children early in
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math, science, and technology in order to keep up with the rest of the world. It
probably isn't necessary to start your child on the computer too early, however; none
of the authors grew up in the computer age but all of us have learned to use—and
enjoy—them. (Well, at least most of the time.)
The choice is not between total abstinence or instant addiction; instead, consider
creating a thoughtful balance. If your little one truly enjoys simple computer programs
that help identify colors, letters, shapes, and numbers, some computer playtime every
now and then may be fine. (Be sure you use passwords or otherwise protect your own
important records and files.) However, you should be aware that many experts believe
screen time of any sort (including the computer) does more harm than good, especially
in these early years.
You must find ways to protect your child, but it is realistic to do so within the
context of the world around you. Remember, your child will also be exposed to
computer use at friends' homes, child care centers, and eventually school. You should
begin early to teach your little one appropriate screen use skills. Learning comes in
many forms during these early years, and true computer literacy will not be required
until your child begins school. Don't push, and continue to limit time spent sitting in
front of the screen. There will be plenty of time in the years ahead to master the
keyboard.
What They Hear (or Someday Won't)
One side effect of the media that is rarely discussed is the potential for damage to
a child's hearing. Many technologies today include headphones of various types. These
devices deliver sounds at high decibel levels, and because they are positioned so close to
the 'sensitive membranes within a child's ears, long-term hearing damage or future
hearing loss pose a real danger.
It may be wise to ban portable listening devices from young children (and to
monitor their use with older children as well). Your child will be able to hear you
better—and for a whole lot longer,
DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO, BE KIND AND FIRM, THEN FOLLOW
THROUGH
Television, computers, and the other trappings of modern life loom increasingly
large as your child grows and moves into the world "out there." These early years are a
good opportunity to practice the skills you will need as your child tests his limits and
experiments with the world around him. Positive Discipline tools will help you remain
calm, kind, and firm as you decide how to approach these complex issues in your own
family. Educate yourself about the issues, then decide what you will do. Teach values
and skills; say no when necessary. Then follow through with dignity and respect for
yourself and your child. Like it or not, you and your child must learn to live in an
increasingly complicated and challenging world. The lessons you teach now will build
the foundation for the years to come.
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19
GROWING AS A FAMILY
Finding Support, Resources, and Sanity
No matter how charming your preschooler is and no matter how delighted you
are to be a parent, these early years can be lonely, exhausting, and challenging. Mothers
(or fathers) staying at home with a young child often find that the job is tougher than
they expected. It's not unusual for stay-at-home parents to find themselves longing for
adult conversation and entertainment, while working parents quickly grow weary of
the daily hassle of getting everyone off to child care and work. Sleep can be hard to
come by, and the battles prompted by energetic little ones who are exercising their
initiative can test even the most devoted mom or dad. A spouse or partner may find
blow-by-blow descriptions of your child's new achievements and adorable moments
enthralling, but many people will not. Most parents have occasional moments when
they wistfully remember their pre-child days and long for a moment of quiet and
solitude.
It is essential for parents of preschoolers to seek out support during these
important early years of parenting. Connection with other adults will support,
encourage, and nourish you and, through you, your children and other family
members.
LEARNING FROM THE WISDOM OF OTHERS
While people seldom agree on every detail of raising children, building a support
network, a circle of friends who've been there, provides an invaluable source of
information about raising and living with children. It can be amazingly helpful to have
people to call when things happen that you weren't expecting. Make an effort to build
relationships with folks who have children the same age as yours—or who have
recently survived the stage you're going through. Don't be afraid to ask lots of
questions; finding out that other people's children have done the same strange or
appalling things can help you relax.
Some options for support networks include church- or communitybased
parent-child groups, community college parent-child classes, Positive Discipline
parenting classes, and friendships with neighboring parents. Perhaps your parenting
group, with dinner out beforehand, can be part of a night out with your partner. Some
groups meet at the park and discuss parenting challenges and successes while keeping a
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watchful eye as their children play. Some parents have started book study groups
where they get together and take turns discussing the concepts in this and other
Positive Discipline books and learn together how to use Positive Discipline tools. Some
parents have even attended the two-day Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline
Way workshop so they could learn to facilitate parenting classes, knowing that teaching
(and having the courage to be imperfect) is the best way to learn. (For information, see
www.posdis.org.)
If you live in an isolated area or have no parents of preschoolers nearby, the
magic of the Internet offers chat groups, question-and-answer boards, and lots of
general information. If you go online after your children are asleep, you'll find many
parents chattering away, seeking support and encouragement through the Internet.
Even without home computer access, such services are available at local libraries. Ask a
librarian or computer- literate friend to help you do a search for parenting resources;
you'll be astonished at what you discover.
Consult your pediatrician, too. Family doctors see and hear a great deal as they
PEPS and MOPS
One Successful model of a good parenting support group is PEPS, a communitybased program in the Northwest. PEPS groups form right after a baby's birth and
consist of people whose children are born within days or weeks of one another. These
families meet regularly in each other's homes or in family centers. The goal is to reduce,
isolation and create a network of support, resources, and encouragement. (PEPS, the
Program for Early Parent Support, can be contacted at www.pepsgroup.org.) Another
popular group is Mothers of Preschoolers (www.mops.org), which offers get-togethers
and parenting support through neighborhood churches. Look for similar programs in
your area, or consider initiating one of your own.
go about the business of helping young patients and parents. They can often provide
support as well as practical information and advice. No matter where you find support,
however, remember that in the end you must decide what feels right for you and your
child. Gather all the wisdom and advice you can, then listen to your heart before you
choose what will work best for you.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARTNER
Many parents of preschoolers are single parents who face both the challenges
and blessings (yes, there are many) of raising a child alone. But if you are parenting
with a partner, your relationship establishes the foundation for your family and sets the
tone for your home. In fact, there are a number of studies that show just how much
young children learn and decide by watching the relationships parents have with each
other. It is well worth your while to make sure your partner doesn't get lost in the
chaos of raising an active preschooler and that your relationship remains vital and
enjoyable.
Parents sometimes believe that once they have a child, that child should become
the center of the family universe. But as you have learned, pampering a child is not
healthy or effective, for you or for your child. You and your partner should have time
on a regular basis to spend together, whether you go out for dinner and dancing, take a
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walk together, or simply curl up to watch a good movie. You will also need couple time
to explore and resolve the many issues raising a child together will present.
AND BABY MAKES . . . FOUR
If you have a preschooler and are planning to have another child, you should
know that the arrival of an infant can throw even the most delightful and confident
preschooler into something of a tailspin. Most preschoolers claim with disarming
honesty to love their new baby brother or sister; they offer to help fetch diapers and
binkies, want to cuddle their new sibling, and gaze with utter fascination into the crib.
So why does that same preschooler often resort to tantrums, insist on a pacifier herself,
"lose" her toilet training, or whine for attention?
Well, take a look at the world through the eyes of a dethroned preschooler. Let's
say you're almost four years old when Mom and Dad come home from the hospital
with a noisy, squirming bundle in a blanket. Suddenly, nothing is the same. Mom and
Dad tell you that you shouldn't cry or whine because you're a "big girl now." Visitors
come to the house and walk right past you to coo at the new baby; they bring
interesting gifts and toys (which you can't remember having received yourself) for the
baby. Worst of all; your parents are completely enthralled by this noisy, messy little
person. They're up all night, they tell you to play quietly because the baby is sleeping,
and they constantly rock, cuddle, or carry the baby. They're always too tired and don't
have time to play the old familiar games you enjoy. It's no wonder that after a week or
two, even the most patient big sister is ready to send the intruder back to the hospital!
Make Room for Daddy
Q. My husband and I have a four-year-old son who is the joy of our lives. I am a stayat-home mom but I want my husband to be actively involved in raising our son. At first, he got
up with me to feed him at night, changed his diapers, and gave him baths. Lately, however, he
has been "too busy* to help me. When I asked him about this he told me he tries but he never
does things right. He says I insist that he do things my way. I feel bad (because I think he's
probably right), but I do believe the way I discipline and care for our son is the best way. What
should I do?
A. Many husbands and fathers feel edged out by the close bond between a mother and
her child, especially in the early years. It may help you make room for your husband to know
that children benefit from the active involvement of both parents in their lives, even when those
parents don't do things in exactly the same way. Studies have shown that fathers and mothers
have different styles of play and interaction with children—and that children learn valuable
skills from both styles.
Your son needs a close and loving connection. with both his parents. Take some time to
sit down with your husband and make a plan about discipline, daily routines, food, and other
issues. It may be helpful to take a parenting class together, or to read this book together and
discuss what you have learned. Then relax and allow him to do things his own way. You can
use the time when he is in charge to take care of yourself or spend time with friends. Your, on
will be happier and healthier when he feels close to both of you—and when you feel close to
each other.
There are ways to smooth out the process of adding a baby to your family. Here
are some suggestions:
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•
•
•
•
•
Begin early to prepare your child for a baby's arrival. You can explain in
simple terms the process of pregnancy and let your child know when the
baby will arrive. A wall calendar can be used to check off the days until
the baby's birth. Talk honestly about what life is like with a new baby; it
can be helpful (and fun) to get out photos of your child's own infancy and
talk together about what those days were like.
Invite your child to help prepare your home for the baby. You can allow
her to make suggestions about colors and designs for the baby's room;
she can go with you to purchase items for the baby's layette. She may
even want to put some of her own toys in the baby's room as a welcome
gift.
Show her pictures of what you did to prepare for her birth, such as fixing
up her room and buying tiny baby clothes for her. Let her know that
many people brought her presents and fussed over her, just as they will
do with the new baby. Ask if she would like to be in charge of receiving
and unwrapping gifts for her new baby brother and then thanking the
givers (since her baby brother can't talk). The more she is included, the
less she will feel left out.
When the baby comes home, be sure your older child is included in
making the baby welcome. Set safety rules and supervise carefully, and
then let your child hand you diapers and wipes at the changing table, sing
songs or "read" stories to the baby, and bring you things as you nurse.
Remember, self-esteem comes from having skills and making a
contribution; your preschooler can be a tremendous asset at this busy
time in your family's life.
Recognize that your preschooler's perception of how and where she
belongs in her family will have to change—and her behavior may
change, too. It may be helpful for you to review the information on birth
order in Chapter 3.
In spite of everything you do, do not be surprised if your preschooler still feels
dethroned by the birth of a new baby. She will have many feelings that she can't name
and doesn't understand herself. It's not unusual for an older child to mimic baby
behavior in a mistaken effort to gain the same sort of attention the baby receives. Don't
take this behavior personally; instead, focus on restoring your child's sense of
connection and belonging. Spending special time one-on-one with her will help.
Grant and Margo waited for just the right time to tell their four-year-old twins, Tyson
and Toby, that there was going to be an addition to their family. Still, the twins weren't thrilled
with the news.
"You're going to have a baby?" Tyson said. "Why? Aren't Toby and I enough?"
"We don't need any babies around here," Toby chimed in.
Margo took a deep breath and smiled at her sons. "Come here, guys," she said. "I want to
tell you a story about our family."
Toby and Tyson reluctantly sat down next to their mother on the sofa and watched as she
lit a tall blue candle. "This candle is me," she said, "and this flame represents my love." Then
Margo picked up a tall green candle. ."This candle is your dad," Margo said, with a warm smile
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for Grant. She lit the green candle using the blue candle. "When I married him, I gave him all
my love, but I still had all my love left.
"Then, five years ago I got news just like this—except that time, boys, it was you coming
to live with us." Margo lit two smaller candles, one purple and one red, with her tall blue one.
"When you were born, I gave both of you all my love, but your dad still had all my love, and I
still had all my love left." Toby and Tyson gazed, fascinated, at the flickering candle flames.
Then Margo reached into her pocket and pulled out a tiny birthday candle. "Guess what
this candle is?" she asked her boys.
"The baby?" they answered.
"That's right. And when this baby is born, I'll give it all my love. Your dad will have all
my love, and Tyson will have all my love—"
"And I will have all your love!" Toby shouted out with a grin.
"That's right," Margo laughed. "And I'll still have all my love left. That's how love is—
the more we share, the more we have. See how much bright love we're going to have in this
family?"
They sat in silence for a moment. Then Tyson tugged at his mother's elbow. "Mom, can I
light the baby's candle with my candle? I want to share my love."
Margo nodded and blew out the birthday candle, and Tyson carefully picked up his
candle and lit the tiny one. Toby took a turn lighting the candle, as did Grant.
Margo looked at her two boys and put her arm around her husband. "This will be our
baby," she said, "and your dad and I will need your help to take care of him or her. Will you help
us, guys?"
The next months passed quickly. The arguing didn't disappear, but both Toby and Tyson
enjoyed shopping for baby things, helping their parents fix up a room for the new baby, and
thinking about names for boys and girls. They were thrilled when they got to hear the baby's
heartbeat at the doctor's office. Tyson provided the crowning touch when he placed the tiny
birthday candle on the baby's new dresser.
"We're a family," he said proudly, "and there's lots of love to go around."
Having a new baby in the house is both joyous and challenging. Remember,
though, that children can be dethroned at any age. One doesn't need to be a firstborn to
know the dismay of feeling replaced by a newcomer. This experience also occurs when
families blend and stepsiblings are added to the family, or even when a niece or
nephew arrives and the former baby of the family is faced with a challenge to his claim
to cuteness. Remembering to get into your child's world to experience life from her
perspective will help all of you adjust and grow together.
REFILLING THE PITCHER
Q. I am a young mother with three children who are younger than five years of
age. They are my greatest joy and I dearly love being a mother! Lately, though, I'm
really overwhelmed. My husband works long hours and attends evening school. I do
the housekeeping, work part time, pay the bills, and raise the children. They are smart,
nice, talented kids, but they are all strong-willed children as well. I feel like I'm pulled in
so many directions, and no matter what I do, it's never enough. From the time I wake
up until late at night, I never get more than a minute to myself. I'm always tired and
sick, and I get terrible headaches. The bottom line is that I've been losing my temper a
lot lately. Then I'm even more upset because I feel so guilty.
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A. What's wrong with the picture you describe? You are not working part time
or even full time, but overtime! No one flies around wearing a supermom cape, but it
sounds as though that is what you are trying to do. The person you are not taking care
of is you—and everyone suffers because of it. It is easy to get so busy with all of life's
demands that your own needs get shoved not only to the back burner but completely
off the stove. The best thing you can give to your family is a calm, rested you.
Consider getting a high school student to help with the housework. Be creative if
money is short; perhaps you can barter something. Trade babysitting hours with
someone else so you can go for a walk, take a yoga class, or get in a swim and sauna at
the local Y once or twice a week. Your family will notice the difference, and of course,
so will you.
Being a parent is a great deal like pouring water from a pitcher: you can only
pour out so many glasses without refilling the pitcher. All too often, parents and other
caregivers suddenly realize they've poured themselves dry for their children—the
pitcher is empty. Effective, loving parenting takes a lot of time and energy. You can't do
your best when your pitcher is empty, when you're tired, cranky, stressed out, and
overwhelmed.
How do you refill the pitcher? Taking care of yourself—filling up your pitcher
before it runs dry—can take any form. If you find yourself daydreaming in a quiet
moment about all the things you'd like to do, that may be a clue that you should consider some ways to take care of yourself.
Budget Time Wisely
Most parents find that they must adjust their priorities as their child grows. It can
be extremely helpful—and quite a revelation—to keep track for a few days of exactly
how you spend your time. Some activities, such as work, school, or tasks directly
related to raising your children, can't be changed much. But most parents spend much
of their time on activities that are not truly among their top priorities.
For instance, if you're often up during the night with a young child, make an effort to
nap when your child naps. It is tempting to fly around the house doing all that "should"
get done, but cleaning the bathroom and dusting the furniture will wait for you; you'll
be happier and more effective if you get enough sleep.
Rula did not have the luxury of large blocks of free time. Between her evening classes at
the community college and her daytime work at an espresso stand, she managed to spend only a
couple of hours each evening sharing dinner with three-year- old Abdu and getting him ready
for bed before his grandmother arrived to watch him. Their short periods together too often were
eaten up by hassles that left Rula feeling both impatient and short-tempered. She recognized that
she needed a way to nurture herself if she was going to succeed at any of the roles she was
trying to fill
Rula thought about the forty-five minutes she spent crawling along in rush-hour traffic
after dropping Abdu off at his child care each day. She decided to try riding the bus instead and
to use this time for herself. She would read a novel, enjoy a magazine article, or even close her
eyes to practice meditation and slow breathing as the bus wove through the crowded roads. This
small change made a big difference in lowering her stress level. Rula felt refreshed and the
calming effect lasted throughout her day. She even found she enjoyed her time with Abdu more
since she was less overwhelmed and could look forward to their time together with additional
energy.
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Time is precious and all too short when you share your life with young children;
be sure you're spending the time you do have as wisely as you can.
Make Lists
In a quiet moment, list all the things you'd like to do (or wish you could get
around to). Then, when your child is napping or with a caregiver, spend those precious
hours working your way down your list. Don't list chores and duties; instead, write
down activities that nurture you, like curling up with a good book, soaking in the tub,
or having a cozy telephone chat with a friend. Taking time to write your needs on a list
may make you more likely to honor them.
Make Time for Important Relationships
It's amazing how therapeutic a simple cup of tea with a good friend can be, and
sometimes a vigorous game of racquetball can restore a positive perspective on life.
Conversation with caring adults can refresh you, especially when your world is
populated with energetic little people. You and your partner may trade time watching
the children so that each of you has time for friends, or you may choose to spend
special time together with other couples whose company you enjoy. A date night,
when you go out together, should be on your list as well.
Meeting friends at the park can give parents (married or single) and children
time to rest and relax together. Keeping your world wide enough to include people
outside your family can help you retain your health and balance.
Do the Things You Enjoy—Regularly
It is important that you find time for the things that make you feel alive and
happy, whether it's riding your bicycle, playing softball, singing with a choir, tinkering
with machinery, working in the garden, or designing a quilt. Hobbies and exercise are
important for your mental and emotional health—and you'll be a far more patient and
effective parent if you're investing time and energy in your own well-being. Yes,
finding time for these things can be a problem, and it is tempting to tell yourself, "I'll get
around to that later." All too often, though, "later" never arrives. Even twenty minutes a
day for something you love is a good beginning. Self-care really isn't optional because
without it, everyone suffers. Parents often see taking time for themselves as "selfish."
Nothing could be less true. Taking time to care for yourself benefits everyone in the
long run.
Trust us: your children will survive without constant attention from you. In fact,
they'll thrive all the more with healthy, well-supported parents. Remember, children
sense emotional energy; exhaustion and resentment will not help your child grow and
may drain the joy out of family life for all of you.
GROUPS AND MORE GROUPS: AVOIDING OVERSCHEDULING
Most parents do all they can to provide a rich and stimulating environment for
their young children. After all, they're learning and developing important skills during
these early years. Many young children find themselves enrolled in a surprising
number of groups, often before the age of five. There are gymnastics groups, soccer
leagues, and swim classes. There are preschools and playgroups.
There are music and educational classes for preschoolers. Parents often discover
that they are living in their vehicles, rushing their children from one activity to another.
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While these activities can be enjoyable and stimulating for a young child, it is
wise to limit the number you sign up for. Researchers have noted that time for families
to relax and just hang out together has become scarce; everyone is busy rushing off to
the next important group, and relationships suffer as a result. Mothers and fathers are
irritable and tired; children have little or no time to exercise their creativity, learn to
entertain themselves, or simply play.
Remember, your child needs connection and time with you far more than she
needs stimulation. Time to cuddle, crawl around on the floor together, or read a book is
far more valuable than even the most popular group.
LEARNING TO RECOGNIZE—AND MANAGE—STRESS
Clenched teeth and fists, tight muscles, headaches, a sudden desire to burst into
tears or lock yourself in the bathroom—these are the symptoms of parental stress and
overload, and it's important to pay attention to them. Most parents—especially firsttime parents— occasionally feel overwhelmed and exhausted and even angry or
resentful. Because parents want so much to be good parents, they may find it difficult to
discuss these troubling thoughts and feelings with others.
Mariam loved being a mom, even though it was sometimes hard to juggle parenthood
with her job selling real estate. Fiveyear-old Lexey was bright, loving, and curious, and Mariam
always looked forward to picking Lexey up from her caregiver and heading for home. Normally,
the evening routine went smoothly and mother and daughter enjoyed being together. Tonight,
however, Mariam was irritable and overwhelmed; her biggest deal of the year looked like it might
fall through any moment and she really needed to spend some time at the computer going over
the paperwork.
Unfortunately, Lexey was recovering from the flu and was still cranky and tired. Mariam
tried to take shortcuts through their evening routine: she served a frozen meal, left the dishes in
the sink, and rushed Lexey through her bath and evening playtime. Lexey grew quieter as the
evening went on, sensing her mother's distraction and annoyance. Finally, when Mariam read
only one story instead of the usual two at bedtime, Lexey snapped.
With her arms crossed on her chest and her chin out defiantly, Lexey stomped her foot.
"You're rude, Mom," she said angrily. "You don't want to be with me tonight—I can
tell.
You just want to sit at your old computer."
Stung by the accuracy of her daughter's words, Mariam lost her temper. "I'm tired,
Lexey. I've had a difficult day and I work hard to provide for you. Just get into bed and let me
work, okay?"
Lexey's face crumpled; angry tears sprang to her eyes. "I hate you!" she shouted. "Why
don't you just go back to your stupid office and stay there?"
Mariam felt the blood rush to her face and she drew back her hand. There was a moment
of complete silence as mother and daughter glared at each other. Suddenly Mariam realized how
close she'd come to slapping her daughter's face and she took a step backward in shock.
"Oh, Lexey," she said. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. It's not your fault—I'm grumpy and
tired." Mariam got down on her knees and held out her arms. "Can you forgive me?"
Lexey could. Mother and daughter had a long cuddle in the armchair and Mariam read a
second story. By the time she turned the lights out, peace and connection had been restored and
all was well. It took Mariam a while longer, however, to deal with the unexpectedly strong
feelings the encounter had created in her.
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As we've mentioned before, there's a difference between a feeling and an action.
It's not unusual for parents of young children to be frustrated, overwhelmed, and
exhausted, and most parents feel terribly guilty when they feel anger or resentment
toward their children. The feelings are quite normal—but you need to be careful what
you do with them.
If you find yourself wanting to snap or lash out at your children, accept those
feelings as your cue to do something to care for yourself. Make sure your children are
safely occupied and take a few minutes of time-out (it usually works better for parents
than for kids anyway). Better yet, arrange for some time to do something to nurture
yourself. Exhaustion and frustration can lead even the best parents to say and do things
they later regret; it's far better to invest the time it takes to help yourself feel better.
REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE
Rose looked back at the front window, where her friend Caroline and three-year-old son,
Vince, were waving good-bye.
As she slipped behind the wheel of the minivan, Rose smiled at the two good friends who
shared the backseat.
"Boy, am I ready for this," she said.
Adele and Joleen laughed. "Us, too!" Joleen said. "And you'd better enjoy yourself—
next week, the kids are all at your place. "
Rose, Adele, Joleen, and Caroline had been sharing their "moms' day out" for about six
months, and none could imagine how they'd survived without it. Each Saturday morning, one of
the four women cared for the group's six children. Lunches were packed, activities were
planned, and the three moms who had the day off had four blissful hours to shop, play tennis,
take a walk, or just share conversation and a cup of coffee. All had felt a bit guilty at first, but
they quickly learned to wave bye-bye and drive away, knowing their children were well cared for
and would be happy to have a calm, cheerful mother pick them- up. Because the women were
careful always to return at the designated time, no one felt taken advantage of.
Support comes packaged in different ways. Whatever works for you and
wherever you find it, accept it with gratitude. Parenting is too big a job to tackle alone.
Children and their families need a community of support. The face that community
wears may be that of a familiar relative, a parenting class, good friends, or even words
floating through cyberspace. The important thing is that it is there. Use it—for everyone's sake.
263

why positive discipline?

Transcription

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