rm no good at taking compliments

instant analysis
Receiving a compliment should be easy, but some people find it hard to say 'thank you'. Even
the faintest whiff of praise can make them squirm. So where do these reactions stem from
and how can we learn to accept flattery with good grace? BY S O P H I E H E R D M A N I L L U S T R A T I O N C S N E A L
«rm no good at
taking compliments»
' I feel so a w k w a r d w h e n someone compliments me. I j u s t go r e d and m u m b l e something about t h e m
being w r o n g . I do i t w h e n I ' m c o m p l i m e n t e d on a n y t h i n g - m y outfit, m y w o r k , m y home - and w i t h
anyone. I can't even take a c o m p l i m e n t f r o m m y husband! I don't k n o w w h y I get so embarrassed;
I wonder about t h e i r motives and I ' m convinced t h a t agreeing makes me sound big-headed.' Caroline, 4 3
1 Diagnosis
accept a compliment. Gilbertson says that this,
Many of us find it hard to accept compliments
coupled with bad experiences of bragging, teaches
wholeheartedly; we feel that if we do, we're
us that if we show off, people won't like us. 'When
showing off. It seems to be a particular problem
you've been trained to be humble, accepting a
in British society. 'Rather than be happy with the
compliment just feels wrong. You're supposed to
gifts we are given from birth or develop through
argue against it to prove your humility,' she says.
hard work, self-deprecation is seen as a virtue
The problem comes when we over-learn that
in this society, which expects modesty,' says
lesson. 'Not only do we not brag, but we tend to
therapist Eileen Murphy.
downplay,' she explains.
But some people struggle more than others -
It might be that, in the past, important figures
even the smallest compliment stifles them. 'I did
in your life, such as parents, siblings, teachers or
quite well in school and teachers would often
lovers, have given you insincere compliments and
praise me for my work,' says Lyn. This did me no
laughed at you for accepting them. Maybe they
favours socially; the other children teased me and
have persistently told you one thing and thought
called me a teacher's pet. I learnt to play down any
another, or accused you of being big-headed.
compliment I received and, although I know that
'When someone pays you a compliment, you
as an adult things are different, I still become
might deny it in case the statement is intended
defensive when someone compliments me.'
ironically or insincerely,' says psychotherapist
2 Causes
of basic distrust if people persistently say one
Past experiences have a huge impact on our
thing but mean another.'
Philip Hodson. 'As children, we arrive at a position
READ
MORE
'Brag! The Art of
Tooting Your Own
Horn Without
BlowingIV
by Peggy Klaus
(Warner Books)
84
ability to accept compliments. No one is born
For some people, appreciation simply seems
feeling uncomfortable with compliments - it's a
alien, possibly as a result of a life filled with
learned response,'says counsellorTinaGilbertson.
criticism. 'The more used you are to receiving crit-
So which experiences lead to such discomfort?
Many of us are taught that it's impolite to
icism, the more phony a compliment will feel and that makes it unpleasant to hear, not to
PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 3
mention impossible to accept,' says Gilbertson.
Having low self-esteem can make it harder to
3 Action
Say 'thank you'
accept a compliment as sincere. You might
'Do this even though it may feel awkward, and notice the beneficial
assume that everyone sees you as you see your-
consequences,' suggests Hodson. 'Acting as if it's OK to receive praise
self - as someone of little worth. That's when
can change learned behaviour,' Murphy agrees. 'Experiment with this; see
words of appreciation can feel like pity, sarcasm
how it feels to allow yourself some gratitude,' she adds.
or cluelessness on behalf of the person giving the
Practise complimenting others
compliment, so it becomes difficult for you to
Gilbertson recommends giving out compliments and noticing how you
respond graciously' adds Gilbertson.
feel when they're rebuffed. Think about which response you would prefer
Perhaps, though, it's more about the specific
and then give that response next time someone compliments you.
beliefs you hold, rather than your general self-
Gilbertson also suggests practising giving and receiving compliments with
esteem. So, you may f[nd_that you are good
a friend, and discussing afterwards how it feels on both sides when the
at taking some compliments, but not others.
compliment is genuinely accepted.
'Compliments may not only contradict what we
See compliments as gifts
believe to be true, such as "I am unattractive", but
You wouldn't throw a gift back in someone's face, so why do it with
can be misinterpreted to confirm a painful
a compliment? 'Acknowledge the person's generosity in offering the
assumption, such as "Others have expectations
compliment - nobody paid them to say it, after all,' says Gilbertson.
of me",' explains integrative psychotherapist
Identify what makes you squirm
Sherylin Thompson. 'These beliefs about your-
These compliments will be the ones that are related to beliefs you hold about
self and others - most likely built up as a result
yourself that are not necessarily true, but that trigger an emotional response.
of pivotal moments or repeated events in the past
Allow yourself to feel those negative emotions. 'This will allow them to
- might have had substance then, but may not
heal,' says Gilbertson. 'And most of us could benefit from some emotional
be true or relevant now.'
healing so we can function at our best.'
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JANUARY201
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