TCF July 2012 - tcfarlington.org
Transcription
TCF July 2012 - tcfarlington.org
JULY 2012 V O L UME 2 1 , NO . 6 The mission of The Compassionate Friends is to assist families in the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child and to provide information to help others be supportive. I Was Once You I have never met Carlie Brucia’s mother, Nicole Brown Simpson’s mother, Polly Klass’s mother, Princess Diana’s mother, Carolyn Bessette Kennedy’s mother or Laci Peterson’s mother. But I know them all intimately. I know what dwells in their hearts and souls every day. Like them I buried my daughter. What am I now? Am I a daughterless mother? That sounds like an oxymoron, two words that contradict themselves. My eighteen year old daughter, Amy Marie, died on May 25, 2001. My life is forever changed. Burying a daughter is a surreal experience. There are no words in Webster’s Dictionary that can explain the grief, the heartache, the pain, the depression or the anguish. Heartbroken is too small a word. The words don’t exist because it is not supposed to happen. There are no plausible definitions that could accurately describe “bereaved parent.” Groups of words can’t be strung together on a typed page to accurately explain the grief. It is impossible to bury your child, yet it happened. Logically, the factual part of my brain processed the information. The emotional part of my brain argues with the fact every day. Each and every morning it is still a shock to my entire being! I still peek into her bedroom and expect to find her perfectly made bed a mess of jumbled covers with my daughter snuggled deep inside of them. Parents don’t bury children! Headstones read “loving mother,” “cherished wife.” They don’t read “beloved daughter.” That is not the natural order of the universe. don’t ask for this to happen, it just does. My lungs take in air, it is automatic, something that I have no control over. My physical body now controls the course of events in my life. I breathe, I eat, I walk, I talk, I put one foot in front of the other. I load the washer and shop for food. I can work. I can teach. I can think on the job about the job. My spiritual being merely exists. It cannot flourish or soar ever again. When my daughter died, my emotional self was buried with her. When she died, I also buried her future husband to be, my future grandchildren, my daughter’s future wedding, my daughter’s college graduation ceremony, my holiday, my joy. I buried my best friend. I buried the once perfect life that I knew and lived every day. Tucked into the corner of Amy’s casket is my happy husband. My despondent bereaved husband now lives with me. I buried my fifteen year old daughter’s future matron of honor. I buried Renee’s future nieces and nephews. There is not enough room in Amy’s casket for all the things that died with her. Dreams, hopes, joys, lives, emotions, hearts and souls slipped into that casket with Amy. They occupy every square inch of that place. (Continued on Page 9) Inside this issue: Calendar and Contacts 2 Arlington Chapter 3 This was not supposed to happen to me. It always happens to other people. I see reports on the evening news, articles in the newspaper describing horrible events that resulted in the death of someone’s child. It isn’t supposed to be my child. How can this be? It can’t be changed. Fairfax Chapter 4 Leesburg Chapter 5 Prince William Chapter 6 Reston Chapter 7 I can’t say, “Amy, want to go to the mall?” “Let’s go out to lunch.” She can’t tell me about her “freaking bio test” that she has to study for all night long. Washington, DC Chapter 8 Information & Editorial 9 Things I want to say to her are forever left unspoken. How will I go on? I can’t go on, yet I do. My body wakes up each day. I Our Children Remembered 10 Page 2 NEWSLETTER TEAM Editor Peggi Johnson tcfnewsletter@gmail.com The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC July 2012 Meetings July 2012 Database Manager Brenda Sullivan TCFDBA@hotmail.com Thursday, July 12 7:30 PM Arlington Treasurer Kent Womack 1013 Riverside Drive Woodstock, VA 22664 kent_womack@hotmail.com Saturday, July 14 2-4 PM Reston Reporters Arlington Lois Copeland loiscopeland52@gmail.com Wednesday, July 18 7-9 PM Washington, DC Fairfax Katy Frank, kmfrank@fcps.edu Thursday, July 19 7:30 PM Prince William District of Columbia Veronica Stubbs Veronica.c.stubbs@nasa.gov Arlington Chapter Contact: Lois Copeland 703-835-3242 loiscopeland52@gmail.com Please send “Love Gifts” to: Kent Womack 1013 Riverside Dr. Woodstock, VA 22664 Trinity Presbyterian Church 5533 N.16th St Arlington, VA Second Thursdays 7:30 PM Fairfax Chapter Contact: Carol Marino Carolmarino1@gmail.com or Diane Burakow dkburakow@verizon.net Chapter Phone: (703) 622-3639 Please send “Love Gifts” to: Monica Clark 5444 Ladue Lane Fairfax, VA 22030 Attn: TCF OLD ST.MARY’S HALL, next to St. Mary’s Historic Church and Cemetery Fairfax Station Rd and Route 123 Fairfax, VA 22030 First Wednesdays 7:30 PM TCF National Headquarters PO Box 3696 Oak Brook IL 60522-3696 www.compassionatefriends.org (877) 969-0010 Leesburg Chapter Contact: Bev or Bernie Elero (540) 882-9707 Please send “Love Gifts” to: Mrs.Anne Shattuck 224 Walnut Ridge Ln. Palmyra, VA 22963 St. James Episcopal Church Janney Parlor 14 Cornwall St NW Leesburg, VA First Wednesdays 7:30 PM Arlington Website www.tcfarlington.org Webmaster: Mary M.Bell m.m.bell@verizon.net Prince William Chapter Contact: Jennifer Malloch jmmalloch@gmail.com (571) 229-0768 Please send “Love Gifts” to: Melody Ridgeway 9366 Dahlia Ct. Manassas, VA 20110 Grace United Methodist Church Library, 2nd Floor 9750 Wellington Rd Manassas, VA Third Thursdays 7:30 PM Leesburg Bev Elero, belero@gmail.com Prince William Selina Farmer-Williams mazzy_blue@hotmail.com Reston Kathy Grapski, specialkmg@aol.com Regional Coordinator Kathy Collins tiffaniesmom@verizon.net Fairfax Website www.tcffairfax.org Leesburg Website www.tcfleesburg.org webmaster@tcfleesburg.org Prince William Website www.tcfprincewilliam.org webmaster@tcfprwm.org Washington, DC Website www.tcfwashingtondc.org TCF Reston (for no surviving children) Contact: Nancy Vollmer (VA) (703) 860-8587 Sharon Skarzynski (MD) (410) 757-5049 Washington, DC Chapter Contact: Olivia Gunter (301) 552-2798 Please send “Love Gifts” to: Coralease Ruff 3314 Applegrove Ct. Oak Hill, VA 20171 North County Gov Bld. Reston Police Station Bld. 12000 Bowman Towne Drive Reston, VA Second Saturdays 2-4 PM The Howard University The Blackburn Center 2397 Sixth Street, NW Washington, DC 20059 Third Wednesdays 7-9 PM July 2012 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC EARLY GRIEF The early years of our grief are characterized by shock and hopelessness. Vice President Joe Biden told of his shock and hopelessness when he spoke to families and friends of military personnel killed in action at the meeting of the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors. As reported in the Washington Post article, Biden shares tales of despair, recovery, May 26, 2012, the Vice President told of the death of his wife and daughter forty years ago. He said he realized then how grief might push a person to suicide. “For the first time in my life, I understood how someone could consciously decide to commit suicide,” Biden said. “Not because they were deranged, not because they were nuts,” Biden continued. “Because they’d been to the top of the mountain, and they just knew in their heart they’d never get there again, that it was never going to get – never going to be that way ever again. That’s how an awful lot of you feel.” Biden went on to say, “I began to understand how despair led people to just cash it in.” In this powerful talk he told of climbing back out of grief. Page 3 Early on I described feeling a hole in my heart and that it was forever broken, never to heal. Rex Perlmeter describes it this way. “Love is always there, even when I cannot see or feel it. A love like this can heal even this deepest of hurt, the jagged edges dulling even as the hole does not close.” He ends his article with this, “Death threatens to destroy us. Our loss goes on and is great; our love goes on and is greater.” We are alike, but not alike. Our stories are different, our solutions are different, our ways of handling grief are different, but we are alike in that we all hurt. As you can see, we experience many of the same grief symptoms. There is comfort in knowing that we do not walk alone. ~Lois Copeland, TCF, Arlington, VA LOVE GIFTS Allen and Louise Lawrence, in loving memory of their son, Barry Mitchell Lawrence Henry Allen, in loving memory of his daughter, Patricia June (PJ) Allen “I have to tell you, I used to resent – I know people meant well. They’d come up to me and say, ‘Joe, I know how you feel,’” Biden said. The audience laughed, knowing how often they have been told the same thing. “You knew they meant well. You knew they were genuine. But you knew they didn’t have any damn idea how you felt.” Father’s Day is past, so are the graduations Neighborhood pools are open, schools are closed. Biden ended his speech with thoughts that we all hear but don’t believe until it actually happens. “There will come a day, I promise you, and your parents, as well, when the thought of your son or daughter or your husband or wife brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eyes. It will happen.” We hear the joy of children laughing, giggling and squealing With delight, Summertime is here! Summertime is here! “My prayer for you is that day will come sooner rather than later,” he continued. “But the only thing I have more experience than you in, is this, and I’m telling you it will come.” Rex Perlmeter is a well respected rabbi in Baltimore’s Jewish community. His son, Mitch, died suddenly in the winter of 2010 at the age of 17. In his article, Love IS Stronger than Death, Rex Perlmeter writes, “still, our family’s process of healing has not always been easy, especially when we have been in different phases of the grief cycle.” Nate, Mitch’s younger brother, could not express his grief at home. Maybe he was afraid to add to his parent’s pain. This is a normal response for siblings. The author goes on to say, “Everyone had unique rhythms and manifestations of grief.” The family accepted living with the fact that there is no one right way to grieve and simply accepted the different patterns of mourning. As we all know, understanding and accepting this lesson takes time. SUMMER Swim team practice, time for tennis. Ready for camp-day or overnight, and we just get to play, just get to be. Babies crawl in the cool grass, Toddlers walk feeling the grass between their toes. Children play”marco” in the pool. Teenagers work their first summer job, while our college bound children yearn for their freedom. Where are we going on vacation this summer, the beach, the mountains? Where are we going on vacation, they ask? I do not know, I just lost my beloved child, maybe I’ll know next year. ~Lois Copeland, TCF, Arlington, VA Page 4 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC July 2012 There are no words to express the pain and loss that we feel with Ryan’s passing, but the joy and comfort which we have received through the creation of a website in her honor has done much to help bring a smile back to our faces. If you would like to view photos from the many adventures around the globe or participate in Ryan’s MINI Adventure please visit: www.ryansminiadventure.com ~Julie Barry-Boykin, Ryan’s mom TCF Fairfax In Loving Memory of Ryan Marie Boykin March 4 – July 1 In the days leading up to the first anniversary of Ryan’s passing, our family searched our hearts for a way to keep her spirit and memory alive. Among her favorite toys was a red MINI Cooper Matchbox car. Ryan loved her little MINI and voiced her excitement for MINIs each time she spotted a real MINI driving by. It seemed only fitting to lay Ryan to rest with her favorite red MINI in hand. In an attempt to share her love, we set out to gather up every red Matchbox MINI available. After months of collecting, well over three hundred little MINIs had been amassed from all over the world. The MINI’s were eventually customized with Ryan’s name on the bonnet, her handprint and quote “Little Girls Can Do Big Things” on the roof, and the number ‘03’ on the doors in racing style. We enjoyed sharing the MINIs with family and friends as a remembrance of Ryan’s abounding joy. Because Ryan was just three when she passed away, we struggled often with the reality that Ryan never had a chance to see and experience the wonderful world in which we live. She would no longer be with us as we travel through our lives. Sparked by a business trip to Nevada in which Ryan’s mom took a photo of Ryan’s MINI atop the great Hoover Dam, an idea was born. Ryan could experience all those things she missed out on, symbolically, through her MINI, and these events could be documented with photos. The project and website would be called Ryan’s MINI Adventure. Ryan’s MINI Adventure began in March 2008 with just a handful of photographs. Although we originally only expected our family and friends to participate in the adventure, word spread quickly through the MINI owners’ community and to people from all over the world. The overwhelming response to Ryan’s MINI Adventure offered a tremendous amount of comfort, support and encouragement, all of which helped in dealing with our grief. The project has provided us an outlet to share our daughter’s life, memory and spirit. To date, Ryan’s MINI has traveled over a million miles to 7 continents, 47 countries and 46 states including reaching the summit of Mount Everest and flying aboard Space Shuttle Atlantis on its journey to the International Space Station proving indeed that, “Little Girls Can Do Big Things”. Thank you for the love gifts Diane and Nick Burakow, in memory of their daughter, Sasha Lynette Calcaterra, in memory of her daughter, Eunice Calcaterra Koehne “My life feels like a jigsaw puzzle that I dropped while carrying its thousand pieces from the kitchen table to the living room. Now it's all over the floor and I know it must fit back together somehow, but it's an awful lot of work and I've lost the box, so I don't even have a picture of what it is I am supposed to be making. Mount Fuji or a charging elephant - which is it?" ~Julia Cameron Prayers for a Nonbeliever: A Story of Faith Tarcher/Putnam, 2003 Permission Granted. July 2012 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC Page 5 THE THREE OF THEM GRIEF & VACATION TIME They fell in love, married and for a while it was just the two of them. They were thrilled when they learned that the two of them would become three. Their son, Brian arrived on October 9 and from that day on they became a family of three. They were thrilled with their son and they nurtured him with love through the years. The three of them did everything together. The bond of love was so strong between them and it could not be broken. Brian was loving, kind and thoughtful…a beautiful son. He made them laugh; they truly enjoyed each other’s company. The three of them shared their lives together; they missed each other when one was absent. They loved spending time together—birthdays, holidays, summer vacations and just ordinary days…anytime. When hard times came into their lives, the three of them stuck together, closer than ever. Nothing could break the three apart. They thought their love for each other could conquer all. Then tragedy came in the month of July, their son, Brian died. They were devastated; it was no longer the three of them. They felt so alone without their son. But it was never just the three of them—God was always with them. God knows their pain and sorrow and He weeps with them. Their love could not conquer death but God’s love conquers all! Because of His infinite love, someday the three of them will be together again for eternity. Vacation time, like holidays, can be especially painful for bereaved parents. Vacations, especially the "take it easy" kind which release the mind to think, are sometimes very hard. For the first few years, you may find fast-paced vacations to be best. Places you have never been before, new experiences, new places, new people may refresh you and prepare you to pick up your grief work when you return. Our memories do travel with us, but somehow they seem less painful than at home. Remember to allow enough time for rest— an exhausted body will often lead to depression. ~Beverly Elero, Leesburg, VA TCF Written for Anne & Roger Cline, Brian Cline’s Parents Brian’s Heaven date is July 12 REFLECTIONS IN SAND & TIME I looked across the lake, then onto the sand, wishing I was still standing there holding your small hand. Sand castles, buckets and shovels flashed into my mind, as I remembered all those precious memories you left behind. Tiny footprints took me many, many years back in time, but of those I looked at—yours I couldn’t find. But as I stood there going so far back in the sand, I almost could feel you holding my hand. ~Linda T.,TCF York, PA Some couples have even found an occasional separate vacation or week- end to be helpful. Allow space, since you are not grieving at the same rate. When you go alone, you do not take your mate’s memories, only your own. It can be a time of sorting out and straightening priorities. The bottom line is, you must find your own way. Don’t be afraid of change. ~Leona D.,TCF Amarillo, TX A Warm Welcome Linda Hinson, mother of Nikki Garlington Evelyn Bellis, mother of Phillip Bellis Sarah Cosale, mother of Parker Novac A COMPASSIONATE FRIEND I have a compassionate friend who is humble, true and kind. A more special person would be hard to find. Her precious son, David died years ago. But she continues to help bereaved parents with the love and care she shows. She has been through so many losses: her son, brother, dad, and mother. She could be bitter but she is not, she reaches out to help others. She sends articles, cards and dragonflies, to assist and help parents whose child has died. She has rare and beautiful qualities – a compassionate heart and listening ears. She allows you to express your fears and cry your tears. She honors her son David in many beautiful ways. She lives life helping others and tries to find joy each day. Her faith has grown stronger with each passing year. She knows she is never alone because Jesus is always near. She lives her life with faith, hope and love, as she gazes upward to heaven above. ~Beverly Elero, Leesburg, VA TCF Written for Anne Shattuck, David’s mom David’s birthday is July 31 Page 6 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC July 2012 Accepting My Child’s Death; What This Means to Me I am a mother who has lost a child. Because of my daughter's death I have found the need to reach out to other parents who are also dealing with the loss of a child. I got an email from another "Angel Mom" whose son died two years ago, she was telling me about a trip to her doctor and discussing the meaning of acceptance. She had visited her doctor and told him of her depression. Like so many who do not understand the depth of pain that a parent lives with after a loss such as this, he asked her if she had "accepted" her son's death. She was very upset by this and told me in no uncertain terms that she would never, ever accept his death. Having just recently made it through the fifth anniversary of my daughter's death, and being in tremendous pain myself in recent months, I took the time to think about what acceptance meant to me. As the fifth “Over time, I will year date approached, I be okay. I just found myself in almost as much heart wrenching pain have to get as I was when she first died. I was taken back to those through the valley last days of her life. Replaying the scenes over of tears first.’’ and over in my mind. Dwelling on all the "whatif's" and the "why's.” Feeling the ripping out of my heart as the emergency room doctors told me that my child was gone from this earth. Now, having gotten myself through those painful days, I feel as though I am back at where I started five years ago and am once again trying to find my way along this painful journey called grief. I have come to the conclusion of several things and would like to share what I have discovered. I told my friend this: Sometimes it just hits. It's that time of year for me. I think it's better to cry, scream, yell, whatever it takes, than it is to stuff the pain inside and let it eat at you. It has to come out sometime, better now than later. We both know that it's a part of this journey, and we all go through those times. I used to feel that if I accepted Ashleigh's death.....which for me meant to stop trying to find all the things that I should have done differently and to stop blaming myself and being angry that she was gone... I thought that if I accepted the fact that she was gone; then it meant that it was alright with me. That I no longer cared that she was gone from this earth. I thought that if I began living again; eating, sleeping, taking care of myself, allowing myself moments of joy, and enjoying the life of my surviving child, then it would prove to the world that I had moved on. That I had forgotten Ashleigh and what her life meant to me. I now know that those things are not at all true. For me, acceptance means that I accept the fact that my daughter is not here anymore because I have no choice. But I do not have to like it! I accept the fact that my life is never going to be the same again because I cannot change it or bring her back. Everything is different now. Nothing is the same as it once was. I have to find a new normal. I accept the fact that she was a wonderful, loving child, and I was lucky to have had her in my life! I accept the fact that the sun shone brighter, the grass was greener, the sky was bluer, and the air smelled fresher when Ashleigh was here. I also accept the fact that it's okay to be sad and to feel the pain. This is the absolute worst loss that any human being ever has to face, and I am doing the very best I can dealing with it now. I have learned to take all the time I need to feel the sadness when it overcomes me. Over time, I will be okay. I just have to get through the valley of tears first. I accept that it's okay to miss her and to cry for her. After all, who decides how many tears are enough? There will never be enough tears to show how much I loved this child. I have decided after five years, that it's also okay to find a way to live with all my feelings put together. That is the key. I do accept it, but I don't have to like it or be happy about it. I just have to do the best I can with what I have left and carry her with me as I move forward. ~Judy Smith Printed with permission. “Blessed are those who have listeners for their laments. Who listen again. And again. And again…Some grievers fear that too much bluntness will cause their listener to abandon or patronize them. … We owe grievers the gift of listening to their accounts. We must give them permission to tell their account verbally, as often as needed. … Blessed are the grievers who have confidantes who can hear their unselected words and livid laments. Unfortunately, these days too many grievers must rent a therapist’s ears.” ~Harold Ivan Smith Griefkeeping, Crossroad Publishing, 2004 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC July 2012 Page 7 July’s Child I WATCH...I LIVE My dear friend calls me on my birthday, bubbling with excitement. "Guess what!! My daughter just had a little boy two hours ago." It's her seventh grandchild within two years. I am happy for her and her family, and ask all the right questions.....how is everyone? How much did the baby weigh? His name?, etc., etc. I end the conversation by saying my husband and I send love to them all...and say "Thank you for giving me this birthday present and sharing happiness.” She stops dead, and says, "Oh yes, Happy Birthday." I hang up. I think about my dear friend, and several conversations we had 3, 4, 5 years ago. She has four children, all friends of our son, Jonathan, who we lost 21 years ago to leukemia. I remember all her constant moans about not yet being a grandmother. She has four children, and kept making the same complaint to me, multiple times. I think to myself about the chances of having four children and never being a grandmother...fairly low. I think about her complaining to ME, who will never, ever, be a grandmother after losing my only child. I watch her happiness now, but that doesn't mean I don't have a life, too. Yet, I am happy for her. ~ Margarete Diener Levy Mother of Jonathan Noah Levy 1/4--1/14 TCF Reston Fireworks race toward heaven Brilliant colors in the sky. Their splendor ends in seconds On this evening in July. “Her birthday is Saturday.” I whisper with a sigh. She was born this month, She loved this month And she chose this month to die. Like the bright and beautiful fireworks Glowing briefly in the dark They are gone too soon, and so was she Having been, and left her mark. A glorious incandescent life, A catalyst, a spark… Her being gently lit my path And softened all things stark. The July birth, the July death of My happy summer child Marked a life too brief that ended Without rancor, without guile. Like the fireworks that leave images On protected eyes… Her lustrous life engraved my heart… With love that never dies. ~Sally Migiacciol, TCF Babylon, Long Island, NY First Encounter When grief first enters our life, it tends to invade us – completely and relentlessly. We are without comfort, we do not feel pleasure, we find no joy. We ache in mind and body. We feel weak and numb. In the deepest core of our being, we are ready to accept that we will never know happiness again. What’s more, we feel that this state is entirely appropriate, natural and irreversible. Nothing can convince us that, given time, we can learn to live again. But we will. ~Sascha Wagner Page 8 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC This month we are blessed with reflections from DC Chapter member, Lestine Keyes, on what TCF has meant to her. Lestine’s article prompted me to think about my relationship with TCF and what it means to me. I remember initially being very reluctant to accept the invitation from my dear friend, Olivia, to attend a meeting. I also remember how gently persuasive Olivia was and to this day I am eternally grateful to her for bringing me into the arms of TCF. Along the way I started to think that I was “getting better” and was in “another place” and I no longer had a need to attend the monthly meetings. But then I had another of my now famous epiphanies. I realized it was the monthly meetings, the sharing and caring that got me to this “new place” and that in helping others to heal we also help ourselves. So just as other bereaved parents and siblings have been here with me these last nine years, through the tears and yes, laughter, I will be here ready to care for and support those experiencing this most devastating of all pains. As you read Lestine’s reflections on the meaning of TCF, I would encourage you to think about your experience—I am sure you’ll find commonalities of thoughts just as I did. As we say in welcoming new members, “we are sorry for the reason you are here but we are glad you found us.” Wishing you Peace. ~Veronica Stubbs (Darrin’s Mom and Jay’s Aunt) Thank You for the Love Gift Jean Pierce, in loving memory of her son, Dorian Parker II FIRST TCF MEETING I attended my first TCF meeting ten weeks after my son David died. I needed to be around other people who were devastated like I was…who knew how hard it was to get out of bed in the morning…who knew the difficulty of waiting for that beloved child to come through the door and of course never did. I wanted to be around others who didn’t expect me to be “normal” again. When I walked in the room I was greeted by a woman who gave me a hug. As everyone went around the circle and introduced themselves and said how long it had been since their child died I remember feeling conflicted. How could they be laughing and finding joy again and also still attending meetings. Five years later, I am chapter leader and newsletter contributor. I come and other veteran members come because each meeting when new parents come with fresh pain, I/we remember how we felt at our first meeting. What would it have been like if no veterans attended our first meeting? ~Lois Copeland, TCF Arlington, VA, 2005 (Seven years later, Lois continues to serve in those capacities.) July 2012 HOW THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS SAVED MY LIFE WHILE I WAS GOING THRU MY JOURNEY OF GRIEF I came to The Compassionate Friends (TCF) in the year of 2010 after the death of my child, Quretta, in 2009, just before Christmas. I think back now and I can truly say I was a mess. I wanted to die myself and I said, “if my child is gone then I have enough pills here to take to make all my pain go away.” Someone from Hospice came to see me every week. She told me about TCF meetings and how I could go and talk with others like me. I did, and I want to thank TCF for welcoming me into the family of grief. My first time at the meeting, I just lost it. I cried and cried; throughout the entire meeting, arms were there for me. As time went on, I got to feel lighter and lighter. TCF was the place for me. They let me be me when no one else would. They comforted me, they listened, and they called. What a blessing to have someone to care after losing a child. I will never forget what TCF did for me. They saved my life and I can truly say thank you, TCF. Thank you for all your support. Thank you for being friends. Thank you for the sharing of not only my pain but others’ pain as well. Thank you for the walks and the Candle Lighting Memorial; thank you for the tee shirts; but most of all, thank you for your compassion. Thank you for letting me know that I will get better. And I did. I could after three months talk about my child and accept her death. I learned to accept that she will always be in my heart. Thank you for letting me know that friends or family might not be around when I wanted to cry or needed to just talk about my child. TCF was always there for me. TCF made a way when I thought there was no way. I thank Olivia Gunter for her friendship and being there to listen and understand. I can think back to one year ago when I just wanted to die. I no longer wanted to live. A part of me was already gone the day my child went home to be with the Lord. TCF is a place where you can enter with sadness and red eyes but leave with a smile and joy in your heart. To have someone to walk with you while the journey is tough and stay until the journey gets a little better is a blessing. I could never get my family or friends to attend a meeting. I was alone dealing with losing my child. After meeting TCF, now I’m not so much alone. God was walking with me. As I walk through TCF, I can say with all my heart that God is well pleased. Thank you, TCF, for saving my life so I can now live for my other children. Thank you also for helping me to deal with others I lost – my husband and a son. When my daughter left, all grief came within me. I will never forget TCF for walking and talking with me through my journey. ~Lestine Keyes (Quretta’s Mom) Washington, DC TCF July 2012 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC Page 9 (Continued from Page 1) One day my fifteen year old daughter will be older than her older sister. Can my brain ever understand that? Renee will have a nineteenth birthday. Amy did not. How can the impossible happen? Bereaved parents go on. We go on because we have no other road to travel. It is just we are not “normal” anymore. We used to be you. We used to be the PTO moms and the Girl Scout leaders. We brought lovely frilly fancy holiday dresses for our daughters. We were once carpool moms and soccer moms. We sat at musical recitals and listened to the first melodious squeaks and squawks of their instruments. Forgotten homework assignments were rushed to school for our children. TCF NATIONAL/INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE JULY 22-22, 2012 COSTA MESA, CA Patricia Loder, Executive Director of The Compassionate Friends/USA: “We welcome to this conference all who are grieving the death of a child, for grief is a universal language and one that TCF’ers around the world know all too well.” Keynoters include Lois Duncan, Kathy Eldon, Darcie Sims, and Michelle Linn-Gust. For complete information, visit www.compassionatefriends.org and click on the News & Events tab. From the Editor: I find myself thinking a great deal about despair. I think about it often enough that I actually looked it up. It means “to lose hope.” I don’t have a great deal of previous experience with despair. As Colleen Fledderman mentions in I Was Once You (featured in this newsletter), I now belong to a new group. This group knows a great deal about despair. My previous group really didn’t. When I try to think of times I’ve felt despair before, it mostly takes me back to much younger days and failed romances. In the scheme of things, those problems (and others) no longer seem worthy of despair. In our heads we planned our beautiful daughter’s future wedding. Visions of the bridal gown and the reception danced in our heads. We couldn’t wait to have grandchildren and baby-sit and enjoy. We wanted to tell our daughters that their children were just like them. Our daughter’s christening gown is carefully preserved and awaiting to be worn by her own children. We wanted to hold our grandchildren’s chubby little fingers in our hands and remember holding our daughters chubby little fingers in our hand. We used to answer the telephone and hear, “Hey mom, what’s up?” Now the phone doesn’t ring. And it will never ring again with that sweet voice we so desperately would love to hear. Now we are set apart. We are not normal anymore. People choose to walk down a different aisle to ignore us. It is too painful for them to think about our lives. They might take a moment to wonder how we go on. They say, “I can only imagine your pain.” That is not true. No one can imagine it unless they live it. We now belong to a new group. We never wanted to be a part of this group, bereaved parents. No one lines up for this membership. We wish our membership would never grow. I am glad you are not me. ~Colleen Fledderman Newtown Square, PA Bereaved Mother Written 2003, Permission granted. In our bereavement, I believe a big challenge is to cling to our hope...to hope that may be small and quiet and fragile. Like Pandora, the figure in Greek mythology, as the world’s unleashed trials and troubles swirl around us, we struggle to shut the lid on the box and preserve that one last potential comfort: hope. It’s not easy. ~Peggi Johnson The August and September issues of this newsletter will be combined. Material for both of those months (articles, poems, tributes, announcements) needs to be provided to your chapter reporter in July. Page 10 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC Matthew Rand Robert Gaber Renard Anthony Harris Adam Seymour Peter M. DeGrazia Elizabeth Gibson Brad Hampton Christopher Buro Nicholas Freeman Matthew Harrington Hale Michael Santiago Nancy Kathleen "Kate" Hagopian Jarrod Weston Samuel Jermaine Blanks John David Lindsay Marc Gordon Thomas Sarah Ann Kozushin Michael Durgala Nikki Garlington Joshua Butler David Yoo Silecia Darlington Janet Hermsmeir Daniel Joseph Pawlak Ryan Lopynski Jennifer Rebecca Toler Sarah Renee Carter Paige Mackenzie Johnson Shey Allen Sean Campbell Eirik Jon Jespersen Patricia Lynn "Patti" Schmid July 2 July 2 July 2 July 3 July 4 July 4 July 5 July 5 July 6 July 6 July 8 July 10 July 11 July 12 July 12 July 13 July 14 July 15 July 16 July 16 July 17 July 17 July 17 July 18 July 18 July 19 July 20 July 21 July 21 July 22 July 22 Todd Coder July 23 Adam Christopher Smoot Christopher Michael Diegelmann Kylie Hurt Will Foreman Patrick Donoghue Klara Morgan Knight David Gorman Mario St. George Boiardi Jason Clover David Evans Hobson Brandon Perle Daniel Selmonosky July 23 July 26 July 26 July 27 July 28 July 28 July 29 July 30 July 30 July 31 July 31 July 31 Cathy Gaber Pamela Williams-Walker Beverly & Jim Seymour John & Corrine DeGrazia Joanne Gibson Beth Hampton Kathy & Ronald Brandel Steve & Cecelia Freeman Susanne Hale Melinda & Carlos Santiago Dave & Mary Hagopian Meggan Strasbaugh Samuel & Betty Blanks Elizabeth Lindsay Gordon & Barbel Thomas Anatoly & Margarita Kozushin Mary Durgala Lisa Hinson David Butler Karen Yoo Jean Darlington Iris Hermsmeir Debbie & Joe Pawlak Jeremy Lopynski Carol Brinegar Susan Carter Roger Lavallee Darcel & Josh Allen Donald & Madelyn Campbell Nils & Beth Jespersen Stuart & Sharon Schmid Courtney & Josh Coder, Cheryl & Tony Coder Lynn Burwitz Denise & Mike Diegelmann Mark & Elaine Hurt Louise & Mark Foreman Shannon Donoghue Ken Knight Joan Gorman Deborah & Mario Boiardi Cheryl Clover Anne Shattuck Patricia & Michael Perle Sonia & Carlos Selmomosky July 2012 Prince William DC Fairfax Prince William Arlington Arlington Fairfax Fairfax Leesburg Fairfax Arlington Fairfax DC Arlington Arlington Fairfax Fairfax Leesburg Fairfax Arlington DC Arlington Reston Fairfax Prince William Fairfax Leesburg/Fairfax Fairfax Arlington Leesburg Arlington Fairfax Prince William Reston Leesburg Fairfax Arlington Prince William Leesburg Arlington Fairfax Leesburg Fairfax Arlington Please contact your local chapter leadership about any errors or omissions. July 2012 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC Ryan Marie Boykin Alyssia Cage Lynn Stephanie Densen Douglas Wayne Hosier Camarie Glover Amanda Harpin Brandon Perle Renee Parkinson Stephen Agyin Suhail "Sid" Chowdhury Christopher Jonathan Stroman Matthew Coffelt Danny Frank Eirik Jon Jespersen Cody DuWayne Pollard Matthew Sean Clem Sevi Suerdem Kenneth Huggins Philip Bellis Brian Cline Eric Alexander Jones Erin Stanfield Patrick Ryan Gay Robert Whiddon Maxwell Harmon Kasey Haynes Claire Alexis Sachse Greg Snellings David Gorman Trevor Stokol David Patricio Castro Patrick Donoghue Stone Weeks Holt Weeks Jennifer Coyne Angela Gardner Ronnie Matthews Eric Monday Darnell Smith Jr. Mark Robert Fracasso Jr. Klara Morgan Knight Noah Seidenberg Nancy Kathleen "Kate" Hagopian Alex Leonard Marc Gordon Thomas LaShaun Maria Parker Andrea Katherine Sereno Jul 1 Jul 1 Jul 1 Jul 2 Jul 3 Jul 3 Jul 3 Jul 4 Jul 6 Jul 6 Jul 6 Jul 7 Jul 7 Jul 8 Jul 9 Jul 9 Jul 10 Jul 11 Jul 12 Jul 12 Jul 13 Jul 14 Jul 15 Jul 17 Jul 19 Jul 20 Jul 20 Jul 21 Jul 22 Jul 22 Jul 23 Jul 23 Jul 23 Jul 23 Jul 24 Jul 24 Jul 25 Jul 26 Jul 26 Jul 27 Jul 28 Jul 28 Jul 29 Jul 29 Jul 29 Jul 30 Jul 31 Julia Barry & Bruce Boykin, June Barry Carol Moran Betty Densen Wayne & June Hosier Sharonda Glover Paul & Martha Harpin Patricia & Michael Perle Natalie Parkinson Samuel Agyin Anwar & Patricia Chowdhury Rachel Stroman Debbie Coffelt Nancy & Mike Frank Nils & Beth Jespersen Andrea Pollard Suzann Clem Demet & Taclan Suerdem Robi Huggins Evelyn Bellis Anne & Roger Cline Patty & Ralph Jones Jack & Susan Stanfield Pam & Tom Gay Donna & Robert St. Pierre Rana & William Harmon Elizabeth DiCristifaro Kathleen & Brett Sachse Kristen Snellings Joan Gorman C. Jodi Stokol Patricio & Clementina Castro Shannon Donoghue Linton & Jan Taylor Weeks Linton & Jan Taylor Weeks Julie & Burton Simonds Liz & Gerry Gardner Bob & Carol Matthews Penny Rossi Tanya Smith Michele & Mark Fracasso Ken Knight Karen Seidenberg Dave & Mary Hagopian Liz Kestler Gordon & Barbel Thomas Lori & Barbara Parker Mitzi & Ed Sereno Page 11 Arlington Fairfax Reston Arlington Fairfax Fairfax Fairfax Leesburg Fairfax Prince William Fairfax Leesburg Fairfax Leesburg Prince William Leesburg Reston Leesburg Leesburg Leesburg Reston Fairfax Prince William Leesburg Arlington Fairfax Fairfax Fairfax Leesburg Arlington Fairfax Arlington Fairfax Fairfax Leesburg Fairfax Fairfax Fairfax DC Fairfax Prince William Leesburg Arlington Fairfax Arlington DC Reston The Compassionate Friends c/o Trinity Presbyterian Church 5533 North 16th Street Arlington, VA 22205 Address Service Requested In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus July 2012