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Transcription

THE VALLEY PLANET, INC.
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 8
#050604051904
READ THE PLANET, IT’S FREE!
WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM
MAY5 - MAY 19, 2004
IN THIS ISSUE
Liquid
Meat: That Girl, Interrupted
page 10
page 10
The Deep End
page 11
page 11
Acoustic
Syndicate
page 8
page 8
Ask
Uncle Flabby
page 27
page 27
In This Issue...
Unchained
Maladies
Party of One
News of the
Weird
Cody Roy
More
Letter From The Publisher
Publisher
Milton A. Lamb Jr.
Executive Editor
Tammy Westmoreland
General Manager
Cherié Lamb
VP Sales & Marketing
Brian Suwarow
Distribution Manager
Mark Barksdale
Sales & Marketing Associates
Mark Barksdale
Contributors
Dr. Anarcho,
Jeremy L. Anderson,
Karen Bertiger, Nicole Cann,
Lucia Cape, Christina Cheatham,
Georgina Chapman,
Jennifer H. Daniel, Uncle Flabby,
Alexander Scott Gillies,
Allison Gregg,
Erin Reid, Cody Roy,
Catherine Shearer,
Ricky Thomason
The Valley Planet is printed for you by the
good folks at Pulaski Web.
Pulaski, Tennessee
The VALLEY PLANET and valleyplanet.com are published twice monthly by VALLEY PLANET INC. P.O.Box
335, Meridianville, AL 35759. Subscriptions are available
for $52 per year, but you can pick up the paper free all
over the place or get it free on the web. One copy per
person please; don’t waste trees. Copyright 2003 by the
VALLEY PLANET, INC. All rights reserved. Reproduction or use without our permission is strictly prohibited.
The views and opinions expressed within these pages
and on the web site are not necessarily those of VALLEY
PLANET, INC. or its staff. The VALLEY PLANET is not
responsible for unsolicited manuscripts or art. Back issues, when we have some, will be available for $2 each.
Please send requests by email info@valleyplanet.com,
or mail Valley Planet, P.O.Box 335, Meridianville, AL,
35759, or call
256.858.6736
Memphis Grizzlies have won 50
games and are in the playoffs!
F
or those of you who missed Body
and Soul Day at the Garden of
Health, shame on you. We had a
great day. There was great food; Rebekah
Sanders was the guest artist (she’ll be
on the cover soon); Barry Kay provided
the music (check him out at Green Door
Books in Athens); and then there were the
free massages. Anyway, Debbie and Bob
from Garden of Health have been nice
enough to provide some giveaways for
those of you who couldn’t make it. Look
for their ad in this issue or go to “Win
Cool Stuff” at www.valleyplanet.com to
get you some.
L
ast issue I talked a little about
Create Huntsville and The Arts
Council’s plan to rejuvenate
Huntsville’s creative side. So, with this
being the Panoply issue, I thought I
would continue that train of thought.
We received several emails about Create
Huntsville, and the topic is also being
discussed on our forums. If you haven’t
been to our forums, you should. It’s a
great place to discuss topics relating to the
Tennessee Valley. There are discussions
on restaurants, hiking, a new downtown
baseball stadium, dating, music, movies,
books, Create Huntsville and lots more.
Post your thoughts and join in the
discussion. The group of regular posters
already there is very informative and
entertaining.
Anyway, back to Create Huntsville.
Whoever came up with this name is a
genius. The more I say it, the more I
like it. It wipes the palette clean. It gives
the impression that there is not a plan
already in place. It makes you think that
you just might be able to play a part.
Create Huntsville. It makes you think of
Huntsville as a freshly gessoed canvas
just waiting for you to daub a little idea
on it.
Create Huntsville has already mentioned
many of their aspirations. They have
identified an outdoor amphitheatre, a
new 1,000-seat venue to compliment the
VBC, and outdoor public art to adorn
the downtown area of Huntsville. They
also are planning a Downtown Arts
and Entertainment District that would
designate an area of downtown Huntsville
for galleries, studios and entertainment
venues.
I’ll concentrate on the arts and
entertainment district this time. In my
opinion, this is the most crucial part of
the plan. Having an area that promotes
and nurtures the arts is paramount to
create the type of environment necessary
for creative thought and expression.
Most creative types hang out where
other creative types are, in coffee shops
2
and bars. They need the interaction with
others to inspire and motivate them.
Stop by Olde Towne Coffee one day and
you’ll see what I mean. An arts district,
in my mind, would be one great big Olde
Towne Coffee. If you’ve ever tried to do
something creative, it can often be a very
daunting task. It is hard for most of us
to understand the pain with which art is
made.
Sure, there is the emotional stuff. Is my
idea any good? Am I any good? Will
anybody like it … I mean, will everybody
hate it … I mean, will anybody like me …
I mean, will everybody hate me? Why am
I doing this? Why am I here? Believe me,
when I was in art school (way back then)
and critique day rolled around, there was
screaming and vomiting and crying and
celebration. I remember watching one
guy’s piece get ripped off the wall, thrown
to the floor and literally stomped on by the
professor. But that’s the easy part.
The hard part is time and resources
(cold hard cash). It is expensive, both
in time and money, to create a work of
art. Have you priced a full set of oil
paints lately? Do you know how many
hours and how much money is involved
in even the simplest sculpture? But it’s
more than the money for supplies; it’s
having the luxury of time to develop
your ideas and your skills. Artists don’t
come in Monday morning, clean up their
emails, grab a coffee, gossip in the halls,
head to the conference room for another
idiotic meeting and then sit down at their
keyboard and punch out a new song. It
doesn’t work the same as “real” work. It
is a process. An artist is an artist all day,
every day; and an artist is all alone. And,
except for the few hermits among us who
like it that way, an artist shrivels and dies
without creative discourse. That’s one of
the reasons artists thrive in communities
where other artists exist. That is the reason
we need an arts and entertainment district
if we want the arts to flourish here.
An artist invests time and resources on the
front end in the hopes that their creation
will provide dividends some day in the
future — sadly, but often only after they
are long passed. Imagine the hours, days,
weeks, even years it takes to write a book
or paint a gallery full of paintings. I’ll bet
every artist, at one point in their lives, has
had to decide between dinner and paint.
I remember dividing the few dollars in
my pocket up between gas and cigarettes
and supplies and heading out to Mom and
Dad’s to eat, again. And, if dad was in a
good mood, beg twenty bucks off him.
it will take lots of money. All artists dream
of the old days when artists were adopted
by wealthy patrons and were allowed to
spend their days dreaming and creating.
These days, artists have rent, utilities, cell
phones, car payments and the rest. How
do you create anything after a 10-hour
shift at Shoney’s? I don’t think Huntsville
will open up an artists’ co-op downtown
where guitars, potter’s wheels and ballet
slippers are handed out to anyone who
asks. I don’t think Huntsville could ever
realistically give away free space for
artists to live. How do you prove to the
landlord that you are an artist?
But Huntsville will need to make that
money available somehow. A visual and
performing arts center located in the new
arts and entertainment district would be a
great start. (Pssssst … there is not a visual
or performing arts college in Alabama.
Wouldn’t an arts center be a great
jumping off point to develop the Alabama
Institute for the Arts?) Now, that would be
something, wouldn’t it? Five hundred to
two thousand students and faculty from
all corners of the globe coming together
in Huntsville to explore the arts — talk
about instant art district! The difference
between art students and artists is that
art students have funding, either through
relatives, their own money or government
subsidies. They have at least created a
year or four of freedom for themselves to
master an art.
Anyway, back to reality. I don’t know
the timetable Create Huntsville is setting
up to accomplish their ambitious goals.
But I take my hat off to them and to all
the creative types that already call the
Tennessee Valley home. Keep fighting
the good fight and don’t let any perceived
lack of interest slow you down. There is
more support out there than you realize,
and as the bandwagon starts rolling and
the music starts playing, people will start
jumping on.
Milton A. Lamb Jr.
Artist
I don’t know what it will take for
Huntsville to truly create a vibrant,
sustainable artists’ community. I do know
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
THE VALLEY PLANET
In The Planet
THE VALLEY PLANET
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050604
April 22 - May 5, 2004
NEXT ISSUE MAY6, 2004
Unchained Maladies, Ricky Thomason, page 4
Boondocks, page 4
Letters to the Planet, page 5
On the Cover, page 5
Corrections & Omissions, page 5
Museum to Present Programs During Panoply,
page 6
Warning: Doppler Radar and Maybe a Tornado,
Karen Bertiger, page 7
Congressman Aderholt Visits, page 7
REVIEW: Cinema
“The Ladykillers,” Cody Roy, page 8
New Activities at Panoply Arts Festival, page 9
“Fire on the Mountain” Concert Benefit, page 9
T-Shirt and Poster Designs Unveiled, page 9
Panoply Welcomes Touring Performers, page 9
LIQUID MEAT:
Run Bambi Run! Jeremy L. Anderson, page 10
THE DEEP END:
To Tony, Christina Cheatham;
The Message, Alexander Scott Gillies, page 11
A Night of Spoken Word:
Poetry for the Soul, Erin Reid, page 11
Ask Uncle Flabby, page 12
Memories of Havana, Lucia Cape, page 13
This Chick’s Picks, Jennifer H. Daniel, page 14
CALENDAR, page 15
Dr. Anarcho’s Rx for Old Stuff That Don’t Suck,
page 19
What’s Black & White and Just Plain Crazy?,
Catherine Shearer, page 20
Shametown, Georgina Chapman, page 21
PANOPLY ARTS FESTIVAL SCHEDULE, page 22
Regional Performers at Panoply, page 22
Food Vendor Travels From Panoply to Greece!
Nicole Cann, page 22
Best of the Valley, page 23
LISTINGS, page 24
ALLISON GREGG, PARTY OF ONE:
Shallow Hal & Average Joe, page 26
News of the Weird, page 30
THE VALLEY PLANET
#042204050504
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
3
Unchained
Maladies
Ricky Thomason Writes
Yippee. It’s Panoply. Come get me, Jesus;
I’m cuttin’ up. Resuscitate me. I got the
vapors and the gallopin’ palpitations
over this celebration for the nuclear
family. Finally, there’s an event I can
attend without having to look at lowlifes
carrying $5 beers around in cups. Paying
five clams for a brew at the BSJ offended
my delicate sensibilities something
terrible.
is the way to go for me. All schools didn’t
have prayer, but all schools had water.
Everyone didn’t pray in the schools that
had prayer — some of us looked around
to see who else was looking around — but
all of us drank that darned water.
I have to admit, when I first heard of
Panoply, I misheard it as “pantie-plea,”
and it brought back memories of those
innocent teenage days of yore and my
first date with a fine Christian young lady.
I’ll never forget her or kneeling before
her to beg — er, I mean pray — and my
answered prayers and first witness of
paradise by the dashboard lights. She was
a beautiful young thing, exotic looking in
a Polynesian way; and I’ll never forget
her. A friend saw her the other day and
told me that she now had to go down
to the cotton gin to weigh. That’s okay.
She’s still the same in my head, where
she’ll live until I die.
Wander around Panoply and have a good
time; meanwhile, I’ll wander around this
column and share a few thoughts with
you.
Panoply is a positive, uplifting, familyoriented event; and your Valley Planet
supports it wholeheartedly. Team player
that I am, darn it, I support it, too. If I
seem a bit subdued and muzzled in this
issue, bear with me. I’ve adopted the
wolf-family view for this issue: The
family that preys together stays together.
So, grab the old ladies, the moms and
the babies and everyone go. This is the
most wholesome thing to hit Huntspatch
since Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation
Show.
Speaking of fun for the nuclear family,
that would be “nu-que-ler” in George
Bush speak. Maybe it’s just me … but
somehow, if Alfred E. President’s gonna
have his nose-picking finger on the
thermonuclear Armageddon button, I’d
feel just a wee bit more comfy if he could
correctly pronounce the type of war I’m
going to die in.
I shouldn’t say that. I really do believe
Bush thought Saddam had WMD
— which he thought stood for “Martha
Washington’s Drawers,” and by George,
that’d be un-American and worth starting
a war over. Not only did Saddam try and
kill Georgie’s daddy, his mom used to
play bridge with Martha Washington.
Incidentally, George, that’d have been
MWD, not that it would have mattered.
Ask your pal, Colin. A black Republican
is a lot like Rhode Island Reds for Col.
Sanders.
The nuclear family: one that’s ready to
explode. Gone fission. That would be
half of them statistically. You know what
caused this, of course. Things have been
going downhill in America since they
started putting fluoride in the drinking
water. Some people think the trouble
started when they made us stop saying
forced prayers in our segregated schools.
They may have denied people their civil
rights, and taught hate in some cases,
but they were still bastions of Christian
charity and brotherly love. If I’m going to
pick some random event and assign totally
unrelated consequences to it, the old H2O
That’s okay, I’ll just muddle along in my
usual way, stumble through the festival,
maybe haunt the Valley Planet booth
a bit and meet some of you when you
stop by to say hello to your Planet staff
and writers. I’ll be the one sitting on my
cooler, sipping furtively out of my cup,
having a family good time.
Ricky Thomason is a freelance writer from
Huntsville. Email Rick at
ricky.thomason@valleyplanet.com.
Let Ricky know what you think at our forums at
www.valleyplanet.com.
BOONDOCKS
But that’s just me. I’m persnickety about
small things like wanting the leader of
the free world to be able to read, write
and talk on at least an eighth-grade level
when he leads us on a dance around the
mulberry bush to de-Saddamize Iraq. If
someone plays me for a fool, my selfrespect suffers terribly if I feel like I’ve
been duped by Forrest Gump.
artwork by Debbie West
So, have some cookies and Kool Aid,
folks. Grab a sarsaparilla, a hot dog
and a slice of apple pie and sit on the
back of a Chevrolet. This celebration
is as wholesome as the Fourth of July,
or baseball, or Bingo. Wait, scratch the
Bingo — that’s gambling, and we don’t
have gambling in Alabama. Oh, wait, we
do sometimes, if it’s church sponsored
— but they oppose gambling and … Oh
hell, now I’m all confused.
4
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
THE VALLEY PLANET
the Cover
Letters To The Planet On
the Three Musicians
There is nothing more fun for us than getting your letters and
emails. PLEASE keep sending them in. We may not print them
all, but we’ll try. Please send your comments to
opinions@valleyplanet.com. Thanks everybody!
Retort “Gay Wedding”
Julie Carter’s article “It’s a Nice Day for a Gay Wedding” [April 1, 2004] makes an awfully
subservient assumption that disallowing gay marriage is an abuse of civil liberties. The
constitutional concept was that these were rights ordained all mankind by a Creator. However,
this neologism ‘civil liberties’ has become a deformed bastard of the original legal intent.
The U.S. has never been a perfect example of consistency in legal or linguistic precedence.
Language we throw about often becomes as abused as those first ten specified rights.
People were once denied their civil liberties guaranteed by the Bill of Rights due to race or
sex. However, the equation of homosexuality with race or sex itself is profane. A person acts
homosexual. Similarly, a person acts heterosexual. A person’s sexual activity is not a protected
status. You cannot equate being born black to performing sexual acts. And, you cannot equate
legally established protection of sexual acts with legal protection of life and liberty.
The real question addressed in the article was that of marriage. Why can’t men marry men
and women marry women? That’s a good question. Let’s take that to a short logical step of
why can’t five men marry ten women? Why can’t I have fifteen wives, and why isn’t anyone
protecting the civil liberties of the bigamist? This isn’t so much a question of civil liberties as it
is a question of social design and constructive legal recognition, much like other civil laws like
speed limits.
Marriage is a legally recognized union for the purpose of establishing the primal building
block of society. The family is considered sacred by law, because it is necessary. Orgies, drug
use or any other type of deviant behavior are not necessary nor constructive. We may choose
not to damn such behavior through legislation or enforcement. But, it’s still not required to
continue an organized and stable republic. Marriage is. Without marital commitment and
dedicated parents, we have no hope of a future generation with respect for law.
Our very root social ills are born out of failure in this corner stone of our society. Broken
homes, lacking parental guidance and continued moral decay continue to contribute to
growing violent crime. And, though it is not politically correct to broach the subject, our social
tolerance of sexual promiscuity has created an epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases and
single parent homes.
We must protect those things which establish principals and standards. We protect and
recognize marriage for what it is. If, as a society, we choose to tolerate deviant sexual behavior,
we must at least continue to recognize it for what it is. A married couple, man and wife, will
never be substituted by man and man. Our law has no purpose recognizing it to do so.
Jason A. Nunnelley
S
hia Simone Studio was founded in Atlanta, Georgia, in 1999. The studio serves as a creative
catalyst for developing ideas in different media compositions. These works on paper include
drawings, watercolor and acrylic painting. Other types of media include linoleum block
printing and combined works on paper. A composition may have two or more of these mediums.
Collectively, all these can be described as “mixed media.”
The principal artist personality behind the studio name is of course, Shia Simone. Shia likes to use
unusual combinations such as an india ink over/under an oil pastel sketch, which is then covered
by a rapid wash of liquid watercolors. The liquid watercolors have a stronger color intensity and
are less grainy than tube watercolors.
Hello Milton,
My family just moved here from Mobile, Ala., in October and my wife somehow got hold of
your publication, which I just read last night. What a refreshing change from the ordinary. The
writings concerning gay marriage were superb. How could anyone choose to be gay, with all
the ridicule and hatred some people in mainstream religions put them through. I am a person
who believes in our constitution, without amendments to discriminate against individuals
based on race, religion (or lack of ), gender, or sexual orientation.
Thanks for the refreshment.
R. B. S.
The works are inspired by designs from the Ndebele tribe of Africa, Japanese woodblock design,
and Matisse cut papers. Also evident is the inspiration from Picasso’s cubist period. Much of the
draftsmanship reflects the geometric dissection of the image plane that typifies the cubist style.
Subject matter may consist of musical settings, imaginary portraiture, nude sketches and still life
settings.
All of the work is original art done without the aid of commercial reproduction, unless otherwise
noted on the product’s description label. To protect the finished art from harmful ultraviolet light,
an archival varnish is applied in multiple layers.
Shia Simone exhibits work in fine art festivals around the country. She also works with interior
designers and fine art consultants for corporate, public and residential settings. Commissions are
welcomed and are done on a sketch approval basis.
Meet Shia at Panoply, April 23-25, at Big Spring Park in beautiful downtown Huntsville,
Alabama. Inquire about the show schedule for 2004 by calling 404.766.0505 or by e-mail:
artbyshia@AOL.com
Corrections & Omissions
Sorry Suzi.
We forgot to mention last issue
that our cover artist, Suzi Dennis, will be joining the rest of us
at Panoply, April 23-25, 2004, at
Big Spring Park in charming and
historic downtown Huntsville,
Alabama.
Congratulations Channel Cats!
Continued on page 28
THE VALLEY PLANET
#042204050504
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
5
Museum to Present Programs
During Panoply®
The Huntsville Museum of Art is pleased to announce several programs
to be held in conjunction with Panoply® Arts Festival, April 23–25.
Extended Hours and FREE Admission
The Museum is not only extending its hours during Panoply, but will
also waive its admission charge. The Museum will be FREE to all 5
to 9 p.m. Friday, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday and noon to 6 p.m.
Sunday. Exhibitions on view will include Allied Artists of America:
An Invitational, Encounters: Jean Hess, An Eye for Adventure: Walter
Anderson’s View of Children’s Literature and YAM 2004: Exhibition for
Youth Art Month.
Hands-On Activity
At 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. Saturday and noon to 6 p.m. Sunday, the public is
invited to join the Museum to make Patriotic Windsocks in celebration
of the Museum’s upcoming blockbuster exhibition, Becoming a Nation:
Americana from the Diplomatic Reception Rooms, U.S. Department of
State. This hands-on art activity will be located on the Museum’s North
Patio. Using a variety of art materials, including art papers, oil pastels,
glue, and crepe paper, participants will have the opportunity to create a
red, white and blue windsock to celebrate our nation’s patriotic spirit.
Cost is 3 Panoply Coupons.
Featured Artist
The Museum is pleased to welcome Robin Rogers as the Panoply
Featured Artist. This Floridian enjoys researching ancient techniques
and processes of pottery making and translating these findings into
his ceramic creations. Rogers often uses regional animal imagery or
abstracted natural forms in his work. He will demonstrate his craft during
Museum hours on Saturday and Sunday. His works will also be available
for purchase.
Museum Store on the Patio
The Museum will open a satellite store located on the North Patio near
Robin Rogers and the Museum’s hands-on tent. New products for all
ages will be available to buy! The store will be open 10 a.m. to 7 p.m.
Saturday and noon to 5:30 p.m. Sunday.
Music on the Stairs
At 4 p.m. Saturday, 5ive O’clock Charlie will perform on the Museum’s
front stairs. Panoply visitors won’t want to miss this popular Huntsville
trio’s performance of infectious pop melodies.
The Huntsville Museum of Art is located at 300 Church Street South
in Big Spring International Park. For more information, call (256) 5354350 or visit www.hsvmuseum.org.
6
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
THE VALLEY PLANET
Warning:
Doppler Radar and Maybe a Tornado
by Karen Bertiger
W
hoa, wait a minute — what’s
with this tornado business?
Nobody warned me about this
when I moved here! I knew tornadoes
existed from “The Wizard of Oz,”
but I thought they were only found in
MGM scripts. Besides, tornadoes aren’t
something you’d intuitively take under
consideration when looking at prospective
areas to call home. Does the city have
a high percentage of employment? Are
the school systems decent? Does it have
a low crime rate? Is there a chance I’ll
be sucked up into a life-threatening, 150
mph tunnel of wind?
I originally hail from Arizona, where
there is no weather, only heat. Someone
once asked me what we did for fun during
those 120-degree days (i.e. all of them). I
told him truthfully, “We sat on the couch
and whined.” We couldn’t get up from the
couch if we wanted to, because we had
become stuck to it.
Then I moved to New York, where I
discovered there is more than one season
— colorful trees in autumn and sparkling
snow in winter that decorated the city
in birthday-cake frosting. And when the
snow’s pristine white became peppered
with black soot, it looked like cookies
and cream.
look that clearly said, “Are you paralyzed
or just an idiot?” What he didn’t realize is
that if I’d leapt up in a panic every time I
heard an unexplained high-pitched siren
when I lived in Manhattan, I would have
never sat down the entire six years I was
there. And I would’ve required even more
prescription medication.
“That’s the tornado siren,” he explained,
disassembling the couch and hauling
cushions toward the coat closet. “We need
to be prepared to take cover, if necessary.
I think the coat closet is the best place.”
He seemed serious. Also, he was making
a mess. Panic started to kick in as I began
running a quick calculation of which
valuable possessions to take into the
closet. I vaguely wondered why Tom
was suddenly so attached to the couch
cushions.
I thought maybe we should get water
and batteries and duct tape, since that’s
what everybody says you should have
in an emergency. I learned this from TV.
Left to my own devices, I would have
selected chocolate chip cookies, Diet
Coke and a battery-powered television.
While everybody else was saved by the
life-giving powers of duct tape, I would
have perished, full of sugar and soda and
watching “Cheers” reruns.
But Tom explained that tornadoes are
one of the few emergencies that do not
require duct tape. We just needed to
prepare to take cover, using the cushions
as additional protection. In the meantime,
he seemed to feel it was just fine to go
on watching television, which is what I
had already been doing. It seems to me
that if all we needed to do at this point
was watch TV, he could’ve kept the rest
of it to himself, since I was now fighting
the urge to curl into the fetal position and
whimper.
I thought Alabama would have even
prettier seasons than New York. Plus,
I assumed it would be a lot safer. But
I discovered seasons have a dangerous
side, called “inclement weather.” This is
a scientific phrase meaning “weather that
can kill you,” for example, the tornado,
a side effect of seemingly harmless
thunderstorms. The tornado is defined by
Webster’s as “a rotating column of air …
whirling at destructively high speeds.”
This translates into my own words as “a
rotating column of air … that could kill
me.”
For the next 30 minutes, we watched
Channel 5’s Doppler radar. They are
mighty proud of their Doppler radar, and
not too eager to divulge just what Doppler
means, in order to keep a corner on the
Doppler market. I was quite impressed
with the Doppler radar computer graphics.
However, the “Storm Team” member at
the controls must have had about 12 pots
of coffee that night. He was zooming in,
zooming out, spinning the map back and
forth, and drawing arrows and lines and
circles at such lightening speed that I
started to feel slightly nauseous.
When the sirens went off, I ignored
them and went on watching TV. But my
boyfriend immediately leapt into Tornado
Action while I sat dumbfounded on the
couch, wondering why he didn’t want
to watch the movie anymore. “Don’t you
hear the sirens?” he cried.
Turns out, there was never an actual
tornado that night. As far as I know, the
only fallout from the excitement was the
hospitalization of several people who
were treated for severe dizziness after
watching too much Doppler radar. But
before the next tornado hits, I’m running
out and getting myself a pair of ruby
slippers. I’m no idiot.
I blinked in bewilderment and tried to
concentrate. As a matter of fact, there was
a high-pitched, squealing siren that seemed
rather urgent in its intensity. He gave me a
Karen Bertiger types 158 wpm, makes a mean cup
of coffee and has been convicted of hardly any
felonies.
THE VALLEY PLANET
#042204050504
CONGRESSMAN ADERHOLT VISITS EAST WEST
ENTERPRSIES TO DISCUSS SMALL BUSINESS
CONCERNS.
East West Enterprises welcomed U.S. Rep. Robert Aderholt, a vice-chair of the House
Military Construction Appropriations Subcommittee to their Huntsville headquarters. Rep.
Aderholt met with Dr. Ramaro Inguva, CEO, and East West employees about a number
of different issues important to the company and North Alabama. Dr. Inguva described
corporate capabilities plus several Small Business Innovative Research contracts awarded
to EWE for data fusion work with warfighting applications around the world, as well as for
homeland defense.
“My colleagues and I enjoyed sharing with Congressman Aderholt details of the important
work we do here,” said Vic Budura, vice president for Space Support. “We briefed him on
our study efforts in support of the national space vision and our program to manufacture
radiation-hardened chips that are more durable for long-duration space travel, such as
voyages to Mars, than the conventional silicon-based variety.”
Greg Smith led a discussion about concerns and issues faced by small businesses as they
compete with larger companies on government contracts for high-tech proposals issued by
NASA and the Department of Defense.
“There is excellent work going on here,” said Rep. Aderholt (R-Haleyville). “It is always a
pleasure to visit with small business entrepreneurs who are the engine for creation of new
jobs in our national economy and especially in Northern Alabama.”
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
7
REVIEW: cinema
by Cody Roy
THROW MOMMA FROM THE RIVERBOAT CASINO
W
hich brother duo do you find
funniest: the slickly satirical
Ethan and Joel Coen or the
lowbrow, spoof-happy Bobby and Peter
Farrelly? For a while, I thought it was
somewhat of a tossup. In the last decade
or so, most Farrelly films (“Me, Myself &
Irene,” “Dumb & Dumber” and “There’s
Something About Mary”) have managed
to counter, more or less, most Coen
projects (“Fargo,” “Raising Arizona” and
“O Brother, Where Art Thou?”).
Recently, however, there has been a
definite shift in the balance, a disturbance
in this deadlock of comedic forces that I
attribute to the Brothers Farrelly turning
to the dark side. While their well of taste
has always been as shallow as Hal, “Stuck
On You” can only mean that Bobby and
Peter have run bone-dry.
YAM 2004:
Youth Art Month Exhibition
through April 25
ENCOUNTERS:
Jean Hess
through May 2
ALLIED ARTISTS OF AMERICA:
An Invitational
Oh, I get it now! Matt Damon and Greg
Kinnear are conjoined twins, so I’m
supposed to laugh when they try to do
anything separately (nyuck, nyuck).
Honestly, is nothing sacred anymore?!
What’s next, guys? “The Cold Hand That
Rocks the Cradle,” a hilarious new spoof
of SIDS?
through May 2
VISIONS OF NATURE:
The World of Walter Anderson
May 2 - August 18
AN EYE FOR ADVENTURE:
Walter Anderson’s View of Children’s
Literature
through October 31
Huntsville Museum of Art
300 Church Street South 535-4350
www.hsvmuseum.org
Allotting the Farrelly sibs ample time to
reevaluate their career choices, I took my
opinions to see the latest Coen-conjured
release. A remake of the 1955 Alec
Guinness comedy, “The Ladykillers” is
the story of Mississippian Marva Munson
(Irma P. Hall), an elderly gospel gossip
with a case of Christian myopia so severe
that she has zero tolerance for “hippity
hoppity music with the song titles spelled
all funny.”
One day, while casually conversing with
a portrait of her long-dead husband,
whose expression changes Dorian Graystyle from scene to scene, Mrs. Munson
receives a visit from a stranger inquiring
about her room to let. Goldthwait
Higginson Dorr (Tom Hanks), supposedly
a professor of Latin and Greek, is an oldschool gentleman dressed like Colonel
Sanders, who recites Edgar Allan Poetry
and whose Southern-fried tongue causes
his baroque sentences to curl up at the
edges. Wildly suave and sophisticated,
The Professor sashays into Mrs. Munson’s
home and, in addition to securing lodging,
convinces her to permit his Renaissance
quintet to practice their “church music” in
her root cellar.
What The Professor really has in mind is
tunneling from Mrs. Munson’s basement
into an underground vault where the
cash from The Bandit Queen (a riverboat
casino) is deposited daily. He has
assembled a ragtag group of individuals,
each bringing to the operation his own
specialty. Gawain MacSam (Marlon
Wayans), a hip hopper with much street
sass, works “the inside” as a Bandit
8
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
Queen janitor; Garth Pancake (J.K.
Simmons), a former military props
consultant for dog food commercials,
handles the explosives; The General (Tzi
Ma), directly from the tunnels of Vietnam,
supervises the mining; and Lump Hudson
(Ryan Hurst), a dimwitted football reject,
muscles the digging.
Though the gang experiences a few
setbacks, like Gawain being fired for
trying to get a girl’s digits and IBSstricken Pancake losing a digit in a
plastique misfire, they ultimately score
over a million dollars. When Mrs.
Munson stumbles upon the truth, though,
The Professor and company realize they
must silence her, a task that proves to be
far more difficult than the heist itself.
“Ladykillers” is outright hilarious, an
absolute delight. If for no other reason, you
should see this movie just to get a glimpse
of Tom Hanks in his prime. A lesser actor
could have easily mishandled such an
over-the-top, cartoonish character as The
Professor, but he delivers. As Johnny
Depp did in “Pirates of the Caribbean:
The Curse of the Black Pearl,” Hanks
appears to be having fun in this role.
Flawlessly wrapping his comedic chops
around an absurdly staggering vocabulary
that would make even William F. Buckley
Jr. scramble for a dictionary, Hanks does
something Colonel Sanders never did.
He reveals the secret recipe: It’s always
a good bet to return to what made you
famous in the first place.
Cody has instituted a new rating
system just for you.
Must See
Worth Seeing
Wait for the Rental
Borrow a Copy
Don’t Bother
Cody Roy is a freelance writer currently residing in
Huntsville. Email your comments to
cody.roy@valleyplanet.com.
THE VALLEY PLANET
New Activities
at Panoply Arts
Festival
Panoply Arts Festival this year will feature
a number of fun and exciting new arts
activities for both children and adults.
One of the most exciting new attractions
this year is the Art*rageous tent, which
will house some great arts events. The
Art*rageous activities will be located
under one tent, but the activities will occur
simultaneously on each side of the tent.
Interactive art will take place on one side
of the tent, and the new activity known as
Sequence Painting will take place on the
other.
In Sequence Painting, four artists will
rotate among four blank canvases, each
adding his or her touch to the work. After
all is said and done, the end result will be
collaborative works of art that the audience
can bid on through silent auction. Team
captains for Sequence Painting include
Chuck Long, Jerry Brown, Terri Shows
and Marcia Leonard. It should be quite the
spectacle to watch — who says painting is
not a spectator sport! The teams will be at
work during the following times: April 24,
10:30 a.m.–12:30 p.m., 1:30–3:15 p.m. and
4–6 p.m.; and April 25, 1–4 p.m.
Also in the Art*rageous tent will be Atom,
The World’s Fastest Painter. Atom paints
at the speed of light and then gives his
rapidly produced works of art to a member
of the audience. You can see Atom in the
Art*rageous tent on April 24, 1–3 p.m. and
6–8 p.m. You definitely do not want to miss
this!
Huntsville caricature artist Don Howard
will be making his Panoply debut this
year. His amusing drawings are sure to be
a hit with young and old. For five Panoply
coupons, you can have your own caricature
painted, and it is only two coupons more
for a caricature of your favorite celebrity.
These pictures are great for a laugh and
make excellent gifts. Catch Don in the
Art*rageous tent April 23, 5–10 p.m.; April
24, 10 a.m.–12:30 p.m. and 3:30–5:15 p.m.;
and April 25,12:30–8 p.m.
Another fun addition to the Panoply lineup
is the Art Workshop. With activities
T-shirt and Poster
Designs Unveiled
specifically geared towards adults and teens,
local artists will instruct hands-on classes
that will last between 30 and 45 minutes.
Classes will be filled on a first-come, firstserved basis. The class fees range from free
to five Panoply coupons.
Take advantage of the eclectic mix of art
workshop classes available during Panoply.
Come learn the traditional Japanese art of
origami at Panoply. Take part in unraveling
the secrets of origami at the following times:
Friday, 6–6:30 p.m.; Saturday,
10:30–11 a.m.; and Sunday, 4–4:30 p.m.
Another fun art workshop class will teach
participants how to create their own beaded
initial purse. This class runs Friday,
6:45–7:30 p.m.; Saturday, 12:15–1 p.m.;
and Sunday, 2–2 45 p.m. The Large Tassel
Making workshop will be held Saturday,
11:15 a.m.–12 p.m. and Sunday,
5:15–6 p.m. These fun tassels are great for
decorating and add panache to any room.
Learn about the quick OneStroke™ painting
method in two art workshops — paint
wooden cases and terra cotta pots. This fast
process will have you decorating anything in
mere seconds. The wooden cases workshop
will be held Saturday, 1:15–2 p.m.
and 6–6:45 p.m., while the terra cotta class
will be Saturday, 2:15–3 p.m. and Sunday,
1–1:45 p.m.
Another workshop class will teach the
fundamentals of drawing on Saturday,
3:15–3:45 p.m. Make a beautiful beaded
bracelet in the Double-Stranded Glass Bead
Bracelet workshop on Saturday,
4–4:45 p.m. and Sunday, 3–3:45 p.m. Create
a handmade memory journal for yourself or
a friend in the Memory Journal class to be
held Saturday, 5–5:45 p.m. and Sunday,
4:45–5:30 p.m. These art workshops
certainly teach something for everyone!
Panoply 2004 offers a number of fun
activities and performers for people of
all ages. Panoply Arts Festival runs April
23–25 in Big Spring Park in downtown
Huntsville. For more information on the
festival, please call (256) 519-2787 or visit
us on the Web at www.panoply.org. We’ll
see you in the park!
“Fire on the Mountain” Concert Benefit
Concert to benefit local Tennessee couple
Local bands will gather at 1 p.m. on Saturday, May 1, at Huntsville’s Monte Sano State
Park to help benefit a young couple who lost their home to flames back in January. Sean and
Shelly Todd, of Flintville, Tenn., narrowly escaped death as fire consumed their 150-yearold home. The historic home was constructed of poplar logs with cedar rafters that had been
fastened together using wooden pegs. The home had three chimneys and two wood-burning
stoves. Firefighters speculate that the blaze might have started in a closet behind one of the
wood-burning stoves.
Because of the home’s construction, there was a $25,000 cap on the insurance. The insurance
money only covers a small portion of the cost it will take to rebuild the historic home.
Sean Todd is a musician for Eric Maddox & the Hired Guns out of Nashville, Tenn., and
has been a part of the Huntsville music scene since the early ‘90s. Huntsville musicians
are helping the family raise money to rebuild their home by holding the benefit concert.
Bands participating include Haven, 5ive O’Clock Charlie and Gulliver, featuring Gary
Nichols. Organizers are only requesting a $10 donation for a day of music and fun that
will also include a Moon Walk for the kids, fire trucks and food vendors cooking up grilled
hamburgers, hot dogs and BBQ pork, as well as refreshments. Contact Judy Sexton at (256)
755-0908 for information.
THE VALLEY PLANET
#042204050504
The Arts Council recently announced the
gifted designers of the t-shirt and poster
for Panoply 2004. The Panoply t-shirt
was designed by Mr. Daryl Martin, and
the poster was created by Ms. Dee Burt
Holmes, both of Huntsville.
Martin is a 1998 graduate of UAH and
works at The Huntsville Times as a graphic
artist. His vivid t-shirt design radiates with
brilliant colors and provides a fun logo for
the festival. T-shirts will be available for
purchase at the two Panoply Store locations
and at the Panoply Convenience Store
during the festival. The cost for an adult tshirt is $10 and a youth t-shirt is $8.
Holmes is a graduate of Auburn University
and also studied printmaking at UAH.
Her striking poster depicts the beauty of
Big Spring Park through the reflections of
festival tents in the lagoon. The gorgeous
artistry of the poster provides a wonderful
representation of Panoply 2004. Posters
will also be available for purchase during
the festival; unsigned posters will be $15
and signed will cost $20.
The Arts Council extends its deepest
gratitude to these two talented artists for
their wonderful contributions to Panoply.
For more information on the festival, call
The Arts Council at (256) 519-2787 or visit
www.panoply.org.
Panoply Welcomes
Touring Performers
Panoply is proud to welcome a great
variety of touring performers to Big
Spring Park for the 2004 festival. There
will be something for people of all ages
and performers from a vast array of
musical genres.
An exciting event at this year’s festival
is a tribute to newspaper columnist and
comedian Lewis Grizzard, performed
by impressionist Bill Oberst Jr. Oberst
draws upon some of Grizzard’s most
famous columns and books in a show
co-written with Grizzard’s wife, Dedra.
“The Tribute to Lewis Grizzard” will
be Friday, April 23 at 7:30 p.m. in the
VBC Concert Hall. Tickets are $15 in
advance and $18 the day of the show.
After the Lewis Grizzard tribute, The
Lovin’ Spoonful will perform on the
BellSouth/Cingular Wireless Showcase
Stage at 9 p.m. Come out and dance to
some “good time music” from these Rock
and Roll Hall of Fame inductees. These
musical legends are an exciting and fun
addition to the Panoply lineup.
The Publix Kids’ Stage will see a wide
range of performers. With the distinct
sounds of Ball in the House, you’ll
immediately notice one thing is missing:
instruments. That’s right! These six
talented performers give you the gift
of their voices! Performing a cappella
across the country, they have toured with
such groups as 98° and The Temptations.
Scrap Arts Music makes percussion
instruments of out items such as discarded
sewer pipes and large steel springs. The
result is phenomenal. The troop of highly
choreographed and talented performers
put on a riveting and energetic show
featuring 25 sculptural instruments and
five exceptional musicians.
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
Faustwork Mask Theater, in the
performance of “Voices of the Wood,”
creates a fun mix of physical comedy,
monologue and theater. Paul Thorn is an
eclectic artist, writing and recording his
songs on all aspects of life. You’ll start
tapping your feet when you hear the real
songs about life, heartache and just plain
living as sung by this extraordinary artist.
Funky dance group Nebellen will shake
things up with their blend of hip-hop,
street and martial arts moves. Visual artists
Big Nazo will put on an entertaining show
using puppet performers, energetic music
and masked performers sure to enthrall
young and old.
The
BellSouth/Cingular
Wireless
Showcase Stage will also present a diverse
assortment of performers. Guy Davis
mixes soulful blues with an education
on American history and tradition.
Delivering pure joy and infectious
groove, Harmonious Wail presents tunes
for the eclectic ear. Effortlessly blending
a diverse array of styles, these performers
present captivating performances of jazz,
folk and swing. The soulful sounds of the
Daddy Mack Blues Band are a must
hear. Straight from Memphis, these blues
boys have played gigs from Paris, France,
to right down on Beale Street. They have
literally “been there — done that,” and
they are ready to share their blues with
you!
For a complete schedule of performers,
please visit the Panoply website at
www.panoply.org. We’ll see you there!
9
Run Bambi Run!
by Jeremy L. Anderson
T
here is a reason I don’t go to family
gatherings anymore. Actually,
there are countless reasons ... but
they can all be summed up in one broad
statement: Everyone in my family is
nuttier than twenty pounds of squirrel
crap. I’d love to tell you that I’m guilty
of the crime of exaggeration for comedy’s
sake, but there are people in my family
that very likely hear voices, have multiple
personalities and play with their own poo
when no one’s around. The king of this
particular circus of freaks, however, has
to be my Uncle Steve.
Uncle Steve was a prison guard
before he lost his job under suspicious
circumstances that allegedly involved an
inmate, another guard, soap-on-a-rope and
some very inappropriate touching. After
the firing, he liked to invite everyone over
for holiday dinners, primarily so he could
regale us with tales of humorous body
cavity searches while we ate. Admittedly,
all of these things were quite disturbing ...
but if I had to pick the most bizarre thing
about Uncle Steve, it would definitely be
his deer pen.
Several years ago, on the Saturday before
Easter, I made the mistake of asking what
we were going to eat the next day. Uncle
Steve said, “C’mon son, and I’ll introduce
you to lunch.” Lunch, as he put it, was one
of five live deer that he was keeping in a
30-by-30 fenced-in area of his backyard.
I know what you’re thinking: How did
he capture them? Uncle Steve’s answer
to this was simple — TRANQUILIZER
DARTS. Feel free to shake your head; I
didn’t believe it either.
“Uncle Steve? Why do you use
tranquilizer darts? Why not just shoot
them like everyone else does?”
10
He snorted. “It keeps the meat fresher,
dumbass! You just kill ‘em when you
want to eat ‘em.” I asked why we weren’t
going to eat the largest of the five deer.
“Nah, I just caught that one yesterday.
Still has the trank in his blood.” I had no
idea what that meant, and Uncle Steve
answered my confused look with a slap
to the back of my head. “If you don’t keep
‘em alive for five days, the tranquilizer
makes the meat taste funny. Don’t you
know nothing?” He hocked up a luger
and spit it into the pen. “Yup ... First thing
in the morning, BLAM! You and me are
gonna shoot that pretty one right in the
head, and we’re gonna fry us up some
deer meat. Your aunt’s even making that
potato salad ya’ll like.”
That night, all I could think about was the
deer pen. I love the taste of well-prepared
deer meat, but there was just something
so wrong to me about the whole situation.
I figure if an animal is running around
in the woods and someone shoots it, at
least it has a sporting chance. However,
getting shot with a dart, passing out,
waking up to live for a minimum of five
days in someone’s venison penitentiary,
and then getting its head blown off for
the sake of freshness? Well, that’s just
not very sporting. I damn sure wasn’t
going to assist in the shooting; the only
hunting I do is in the meat section of the
supermarket, which doesn’t involve either
firearms or silly camouflage.
Early the next morning, a loud scream
from the backyard startled everyone
awake. “SON OF A BITCH!” We all ran
out to find Uncle Steve angrily kicking
the gate of his now empty deer prison. My
aunt quickly ushered us into the house,
likely afraid that my young cousins would
absorb the stream of obscenities Steve
was directing at the broken gate latch.
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
As we reached the back door, I spotted
something in the distance that made me
laugh. The largest of my uncle’s former
inmates stared out at him from the tree
line, watching this ridiculous train wreck
of a man kick the gate.
After a lovely story at lunch about an
inmate Uncle Steve had once searched
who had a golf ball and a set of tees
secreted away in his anus, we went
outside for the kids to have an Easter
egg hunt. Looking accusingly at me, my
uncle brought the subject of the deer pen
back up. “I just don’t understand how that
latch broke loose like that. Jeremy, you
wouldn’t have any ideas about that, would
you?” I shrugged it off, acting as innocent
as possible. Over my uncle’s shoulder, I
noticed that my 10-year-old cousin had
stopped hunting eggs and was trying to
hide a huge, goofy grin. When I saw the
mischief in that smile, I instantly knew
who had set the deer free.
That year marked the end of Uncle
Steve’s deer jail. Fortunately for us, he
lost his arm and could no longer fire a
rifle, tranquilizer or otherwise. I’ve never
been clear on exactly how he lost the arm
... but witnesses reported that it involved
Jack Daniels, his Vietnamese mistress and
a midget wrestler named Little Beaver.
Regardless, I am glad he stopped inviting
me for holidays.
Jeremy L. Anderson saw that deer years later
in Morocco, but that’s another story. Email
him at reverendslim@valleyplanet.com.
THE VALLEY PLANET
The Deep End
A NIGHT OF SPOKEN WORD: POETRY FOR THE SOUL
by Erin Reid
The ivory tower may scoff that poetry is a lost art, but The Artists’ Nest knows better.
Huntsville’s newest non-profit supporter of the arts gathers local poets for “A Night of
Spoken Word” on April 30 at the Flying Monkey Arts Center on Putman Drive. Five
spoken-word artists kick off the event at 7 p.m. with an hour of performance poetry
recorded live, followed by an open-microphone poetry jam.
Thank you all for participating in
THE DEEP END!
The response has been great.
Please send your poetry to
deepend@valleyplanet.com
Keep them coming! Thanks!
Catching its cue from the rage of jams hitting urban art scenes all over the country,
“A Night of Spoken Word” takes poetry off the page and into the theater of life. The
Artists’ Nest founder, KorKeya — a poet, musician and emcee of Lowe Mill Open Mic
fame — compares the event to HBO’s “Def Poetry Jam” and says that it will continue
on a monthly basis.
With a unique blend of raw intensity, rhythm and smooth lyricism, these poets leave
no theme untouched. “This is real life, real people,” said KorKeya, describing the
show’s content. “You will hear about politics, spirituality, pain, love, lust, life. This is
an atmosphere that forces you to be yourself, not the person you have to pretend to be.
Here you are free to be who you are and to express who you are.”
To Tony
by Christina Cheatham
I keep waiting to hear the phone ring
or get one more awaiting message from you
I keep hoping to relive that last kiss
just one more time, one more kiss
One more chance for you to offer up
a penny for my thoughts
and one more moment to let you know of the love I felt
but then again, I thank God
for letting me have your arms
wrapped tight around my waist
throughout a night that I keep reliving
Once before I listened as you bid me good-night
then in a timid child’s voice
whispered the Lord’s Prayer
I watched as you slept quiet and calm
that memory gives me peace with your soul
You are content and comforted
resting in a sweetness and warmth
a love and a Father that life could never compare
I am selfish, and I am sinful
I am weak, broken, and I am crying for you
I am dropping to my knees and drowning in my tears
With my face pressed against the wall
and my fists clenched white
I refuse to believe
Your face, your skin, your smile in the morning
and your touch in the evening
have burned an imprint in my soul
But, when the truth sets in
and reality once again
forces its way through crowded dreams
I find myself walking lost and alone
With peace I will prevail in my solitude
I will wake to the life you taught me to see
For now though, I am selfish, and I am sinful
I am weak, broken, and I am crying for you
I am dropping to my knees and drowning in my tears
Pressing my face against the wall yearning to keep a glimpse of you
Providing a safe setting for folks to be themselves ties into the mission of The Artists’
Nest, an organization dedicated to the development of artists of all stripes. KorKeya
envisions much more than regular events like the poetry jam and the recent acoustic
concert. He ultimately foresees a literal space where poets, painters, musicians and
actors of all backgrounds, worldviews and walks of life can be nurtured in an inclusive
community. The success of his past shows in bringing out a diverse crowd gives this
dream the distinct tenor of possibility.
KorKeya testifies to the power of art as would a minister to his church: “Art is the
solution to every problem: depression, drug addiction, loneliness. People need to be
around people with positive energy.”
Accordingly, “A Night of Spoken Word” offers its audience more than passive
entertainment that ends when the curtain falls. KorKeya promises, “Your life is
guaranteed to be changed.”
A five-dollar cover charge seems a small price to pay for artistic salvation.
THE MESSAGE
Alexander Scott Gillies
The morning dew falls so sweet,
Flowing to the ground below my feet.
Ever so lightly it lies among the grass,
Shining like sprinkles of heavenly glass.
Where does it come from?
From the starry clouds up above
To give us a message,
God sends his love.
THE VALLEY PLANET
#042204050504
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
11
Ask Uncle Flabby
Ask Uncle Flabby is an advice column. Uncle Flabby is your friend, but Uncle Flabby’s advice
should be taken for what it is, advice, no more, no less. Please thank Uncle Flabby when his advice is
good. But if his advice should not be so good, remember, Uncle Flabby wrote this and he is solely to
blame. By the way, this column is for entertainment purposes only, if you couldn’t tell.
Morning Unk Flabby,
COME ON KIDS!
I AM ASKING NICE! WE NEED UNCLE FLABBY QUESTIONS OR WE
WILL NO LONGER BE GRACED WITH HIS SUPREME INTELLECT AND
WISDOM! SEND IN A QUESTION TODAY! PLUS, YOU MAY WIN A
REALLY COOL VP T-SHIRT LIKE “GRANDMA FLABBY” WON!
Dear Uncle Flabby,
After much thought, Mike and I finally came across a question we could ask ya! In the
wintertime, when wearing socks, the space between the smallest toes on your feet gets really
smelly — in fact, it gets even smellier than doggie poop. WHY IS THAT??
Your friends,
Debbie and Mike
Good afternoon Debbie and Mike,
Maybe the spaces between YOUR littlest toes get particularly smelly, but mine don’t.
In fact, I asked all of my colleagues and they wholeheartedly agree that you’re gross.
Perhaps you should invest in some Odor Eaters ® or Shoe Shot ®. And did that
question really take “much thought”?
Your friend,
Unk
Dear UF,
I’ve begun swimming at the Natatorium on Drake Avenue in the afternoons. I leave work and
drive right over, so I get there about 5:10 p.m. Although the brochure says “public lap swim,”
in fact about 2/3 of the pool is cordoned off for local swim teams. Adults who just want to
quietly swim back and forth are often required to wait, or share lanes, and with the majority of
the pool reserved for the young whippersnappers with NO FAT on their bodies, it means we
have to stand around with our blubber and/or wrinkles hanging out for everyone to see.
Can’t you “spread” the rumor that the public pool causes geekiness, or acne, or something,
so the young things will quit “hogging” the pool every afternoon, and us old folks who really
need the exercise can swim in peace? Or, at least make them share the pool half-and-half,
instead of the way it is now? And by the way, not only do these young people have slim, no-fat
bods, the girls prance around in the locker room with NOTHING ON!!!
If I were gay, it would be unbearable. As it is, I’m just a middle-aged, heterosexual woman who
has pounds and pounds to lose; and it’s really depressing to have to wait while displaying my
extra pounds to the youngsters and their watching parents, as well as watching those sweet
young things strut their stuff in the locker room. And don’t even get me talking about the
little monsters who casually yank back the curtains to the dressing cubicles, exposing me to
the rest of the locker room, and then all I get is a quick “oops!” or “sorry!” while I stand there,
humiliated and clutching my towel. ... Oh well, I guess you get the picture.
If you could organize a family reunion with all of your dead relatives, where would you hold it?
Wah.
Grandma Flabby, Huntsville
Thank you.
Undecided
Dear Grandma Flabby,
Dear Undecided,
Given that all living relatives are, generally, extended invitations to family reunions of
the living, all dead relatives would have to be invited to family reunions of the dead.
And even if you only include those in fairly direct genetic lineages backwards through
time, we are talking thousands, if not millions, of people/ghosts — and, depending on
your religious beliefs, monkeys, mice and amoeba.
But, of course, one must consider what state the deceased will be in. Will they come in
their decayed corporeal form, in some kind of mass-less spirit form, or in the body they
had when they died? This will have a huge impact on the space required, for mass-less
beings require very little space. And just think of the money you could save on food!
Then, of course, you have the whole reincarnation issue to deal with. Have any of your
relatives been reincarnated? If they have been reincarnated into an entire other branch
of the human race, is that branch invited also? What if your deceased family member
has been reincarnated into a living being? And what if that being is not human? Are
living housecats inhabited by the spirits of your deceased great-great-great-aunt Clara
and her offspring welcome at this gathering of the dead?
Many questions to consider here, but no matter what the answers, I would definitely
hold the reunion at The Tavern.
You’re welcome,
UF
I’m sorry, at 5:10 every afternoon the Natatorium is full of young, hot, barely clothed
swimmers? I am afraid you may have just increased your audience with that little bit of
information.
First off: pool access. If you paid for membership in the Natatorium (sorry, I am not
clear how things work there) and their brochure said that the times you are there are
supposed to be “public lap swim,” then you have a perfectly valid complaint to take
to the management. They either need to reduce the lanes used by the swim teams or be
clear in their brochures that after-work public lap swimming has very limited space.
Second off: swimmers’ bodies. Dealing with “sweet young things” prancing around in
locker rooms is the curse (or blessing) of public fitness routines. Swimming is a very
effective way to stay fit. And I don’t see the young swimmers disappearing anytime
soon. The only solution is to either find an isolated swimming hole somewhere or grin
and bear the perky prancing around you. They mean you no harm. They are just proud
of what they’ve got, and you should be, too!
There are hundreds of “Grandma Flabbies” sitting around Huntsville eating Ho
Hos ® while you’re out trying to stay healthy. I bet a lot of those watching their kids/
grandkids swim are jealous that they don’t have the guts to get out there and show
their imperfectly beautiful bodies off the way you do. You should be proud to flaunt it
alongside the youngsters. After all, you know that while yours is a mature, full beauty,
full of life experiences, theirs is the false, fleeting beauty of youth.
Best,
UF
Next time in Uncle Flabby: Lesbian Handshakes and Pestered Pagans
Ask Uncle Flabby is not a syndicated national column that we bought. Uncle
Flabby is right here and works for the Planet. Uncle Flabby needs your questions
or he might just lose his job. Please email Uncle Flabby your questions at:
uncleflabby@valleyplanet.com or write to:
Uncle Flabby, PO Box 335, Meridianville, AL 35759.
DISCUSS UNCLE FLABBY
OR ANYTHING ELSE ON
THE PLANET’S FORUMS AT
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THE VALLEY PLANET
Recuerdos de Habana: Memories of Havana
The first two days of music, or how much I didn’t know!
(Part 2 in a series)
by Lucia Cape
“We started rehearsing in January. The
idea was to get good enough to spend a
week working with Cuban musicians in
Havana. If last Friday’s pre-trip concert
was any indication, we’re ready.” (“Cuba:
Part 1,” April 1, 2004)
performance and indicated that he should
leave the tourists alone. He handed the
guiro back to me, and I thanked him for
trying to help. Mercifully, the song was
over soon afterward, and I passed the
guiro to another guest musician.
Did I really say, “We’re ready”? Maybe
the rest of the band was ready, but I was
seriously deluded about my own status.
After three months with maracas and the
guiro, I got to Havana only to learn how
much I didn’t know. Even the way I was
holding the instruments was wrong.
That, in a nutshell, is music in Cuba: It’s
everywhere; it’s all great; and everyone
is better than most anyone here at home.
Or at least it felt that way. I’m not a
musician, but I was trying my best for
this trip. It only got worse.
My first lesson came on Saturday night,
a few hours after landing in Havana.
Several of our group piled into taxis and
traveled to the Hotel Inglaterra. There was
a band playing on the veranda, right on
Parque Central at the end of the Prado,
the tree-lined promenade that connects
the touristy Old Town with the more
modern part of Havana. The band was
Grupo La Verdad del Son, “The True Son
Band” — “son” being the style of music
made famous recently by the Buena Vista
Social Club. They were great, and they
knew how to work a crowd of tourists.
We hadn’t finished our first drink when
they invited us to join them on stage.
“She plays the guiro,” one of my band
mates said, pointing at me. A little dizzy
from the daiquiri, the long day’s trip
from Huntsville to Havana, and my false
sense of preparedness, I took the guiro
and started scraping along. Over the
bushes that lined the veranda, a homelesslooking man had been dancing along
with the band. Moments after I starting
playing, he began gesturing toward me,
On Sunday we spent the morning touring
Old Havana with our guide, Ernesto.
We heard several street-corner bands
and even a rare all-girl group playing in
cultural center. Then Ernesto took us to
Callejon de Hamel, an alley in the district
of Cayo Hueso (Key West) that has been
transformed into a work of art by muralist
Salvador. The locals come out on Sundays
to hear rumba, the percussion and
chant music that accompanies Santería
religious ceremonies. We bought several
CDs of rumba bands, and all of them have
been well worth the $10 a pop.
After half an hour, we boarded the
bus again and were taken to the home
of Roberto Carcassés, the pianist and
bandleader who would be working with
the UAH jazz ensemble while we were in
Cuba. The 19 of us, plus our tour guide
and bus driver, quickly filled his music
room, spilling onto his back porch and
into his kitchen, where Havana Club rum
was being mixed with coke and juice.
My husband, Mark, and Jim Cavender
opened their cases and hooked up their
bass and guitar.
“What Cuban songs
do you know?”
Roberto asked.
“‘Guantanamera,’”
Mark replied.
“Anything
but
‘Guantanamera’!”
Roberto
moaned.
Back in Huntsville,
it seemed like a
great idea to learn
this Cuban folk
song — a goodwill
Don Bowyer and Donna Lamb serenaded by Cuban street musicians in Old
Havana. Photo by Terri Cavender.
gesture.
I
was
acting like he was playing the guiro, too.
all for it. By the end of the week, we
I smiled and continued, until he broke
were paying roving musicians to STOP
through the bushes and wrapped his
playing “Guantanamera” for us. Mark
arms around me from behind. I didn’t
rattled off the other Cuban folk songs we
have time to be startled before he began
had learned, but none of them appealed
guiding my hands into a rhythm that was
to Roberto. Only after we got home
very different from the one I had been
and Googled him did we find out just
playing for the past three months.
how renowned he is in the Latin jazz
community. Jim likened it to a European
Apparently I didn’t catch on quickly
group coming to the United States and
enough because he took the guiro from
spending a week with Wynton Marsalis.
me and scraped out the correct rhythm
How like nursery rhymes our Cuban
himself. I stood there watching, dying to
selections must have seemed to him.
get back to my seat and let this bum take
over. The band wasn’t as thrilled with his
THE VALLEY PLANET
#042204050504
Jim Cavender and Mark  Torstenson play with
Cuban jazz whiz Roberto Carcassés in his home in
Havana. Photo by Lucia Cape.
“Just start playing something,” Roberto
instructed. Mark went into a bass riff,
and Jim played along. Roberto kicked in
on piano and transformed the riff into “El
Cumbanchero,” a blazing Latin standard
popularized by Desi Arnaz. Some of
the band members pulled out horns and
other instruments and followed along.
Roberto had arranged for other Cuban
musicians to work with us during the
week, and the percussionist was there
that afternoon. Adel Gonzalez pulled up
a cajon — literally, a big box. He sat on
top and began drumming on the face. He
traded off with our drummer, Tim, and
started his workweek early by giving
patient instructions to anyone with an
instrument.
Roberto led us through a series of jazz,
funk and other pieces, including the
Beatles’ “Ticket to Ride” in a twisted
5/4 time signature. He was sizing us
up, figuring out where we were in our
understanding of complex Latin music.
Our fearless leader, Don Bowyer, leaned
over to Mark during this melee and said,
“I’ve never seen Jim Cavender have to
work this hard to keep up.” Jim was our
ringer. I was in deep trouble.
Later that night, we ventured into La
Zorra y El Cuervo, a famous jazz club
according to all the guide books, where
we would be rehearsing during the week
and then playing on Wednesday. On
the bill was Peruchín Jr., a pianist and
guitar player that had been included in
the listening exercises for our class. The
music was excellent, causing at least one
in our group to develop jazz-induced
Tourrette’s, which frightened the band but
greatly amused the audience. We stayed
as late as we could keep our eyes open,
which in Havana proved to be insufficient.
One day down, four to go.
Lucia Cape wishes the UAH Latin Jazz Ensemble
were playing Panoply with guest musicians Roberto
Carcassés, Adel Gonzalez, Julito Padrón and
Roberto Martinez. Catch the third installment of her
Havana story in the next issue of The Valley Planet.
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
13
This Chick’s Picks
by Jennifer H. Daniel
If you’re still contemplating that road trip
to the ‘Ham this weekend or the next,
you should really look into our expansive
calendar here in the Planet. Chock full of
fresh-brewed tunes and things to do, our
calendar is reason enough to spend your
weekend at home in the Tennessee Valley.
Gees, we’re trying to establish a locals’
scene here. We can’t do that if all of us
keep driving to Nashville, Birmingham
and Atlanta on the weekends. I mean, all
of us are cool, right? Then let them come
to us.
Still not sure if the Huntsville scene is
good enough for you? Check out these
upcoming events — you’re likely to see
me at all of them.
Panoply: And the food at Panoply.
Kabobs, Dippin’ Dots, Shaved Ice,
Domino’s Pizza and more await you.
Carnival food at its best, Panoply is
busy enough to draw a big crowd, but
not so out of control that the lines are
overwhelmingly long. A variety of fried
goodness awaits you. Oh yeah, there’s a
lot of cool art and children’s activities,
too. It’s fun for the whole family.
Admission is free, but donations are more
than welcome. Panoply takes place April
23–25 in Big Spring Park.
Gillian Welch: With her latest release,
Soul Journey, Huntsville is honored
to host the likes of Ms. Welch, one of
the most respected female alternativecountry artists around. The recipient
of various awards and four Grammy
nominations, Welch stops in Huntsville
on Sunday, April 25, at The Crossroads.
Most recognize her from the O Brother,
Where Art Thou? soundtrack, her work
with Emmylou Harris and her partner in
crime, David Rawlings. Tickets are $17
in advance and $20 day of show. Call The
Crossroads at (256) 533-3393 for ticket
purchase and more information.
This isn’t Gillian’s first stop in Huntsville,
you know. She described a secret
appearance with David Rawlings at The
Crossroads about a year ago:
“About this time last year, Old Crow
Medicine Show had a gig, and we showed
up unannounced and opened up for them.
I think the owners knew, but no one else
knew it was happening. We call them our
vigilante sneaky gigs. We played five or
six new songs that ended up being on Soul
Journey.”
Chicago: Their website says it best:
“In 1967, Chicago musicians Walter
Parazaider, Terry Kath, Danny Seraphine,
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Improvisation: On May 16, experience
Open Mic Night at The Flying Monkey.
Partners in crime Matt Bakula (The
Counterclockwise) and Shawn Webster
(Artax) keep it all under control. The jam
starts at 4 p.m. All sessions are unplugged.
Stragglers, onlookers and curious cats are
highly encouraged to attend. The Flying
Monkey Arts Center is located at 1230
Putman Drive. Admission is $1.
Kid Rock: Backed by the unstoppable
Twisted Brown Trucker, Kid Rock
performs at the Von Braun Center on June
3. Tickets are $34 and can be obtained
through Ticketmaster, as well. Look for
more information and a future feature on
Kid Rock coming up in the Valley Planet.
Are you a Kid Rock enthusiast? Email
me. 
Jennifer H. Daniel was trained as a southern
belle before she became a writer. She still
enjoys jamming on the one.
256-430-4729 www.thefretshop.com
How cool is that? For more on Gillian
Welch, be sure to check out the next issue
of Valley Planet — a complete interview,
review of the show and more in the May
6 edition.
Lee Loughnane, James Pankow, Robert
Lamm and Peter Cetera formed a group
with one dream: to integrate all the
musical diversity from their beloved city
and weave a new sound, a rock ‘n’ roll
band with horns. Their dream turned into
20 Top Ten singles, 12 Top Ten albums
(five of which were #1) and sales of more
than 120 million records.” The band
performs at the Von Braun Center on May
11. Tickets are $33 and can be purchased
through Ticketmaster at (800) 277-1700.
309 Jordan Lane, Huntsville AL 35805
I
’m tired of hearing that there’s nothing
to do in Huntsville. For a change,
let’s stop focusing on what’s not in
Huntsville and enjoying what is. We
have the Von Braun Center, the Flying
Monkey Arts Center and the Huntsville
Museum of Art. These three places
alone can fill your social calendar for
the next year. Interested in live theater?
Huntsville boasts a variety of it. Check
out Renaissance Theater’s “Southern
Fried Murder” series, with catered
dinners by Wild Rose Café. Running
April 16–24, the play is loaded with
audience interaction, yummy eats and
enticing plots — all right before your
eyes. Tickets for dinner and the show
are $35, and reservations can be made by
calling (256) 536-3117.
Guitar, Banjo, Mandolin
Sales, Instruction, Repair
THE VALLEY PLANET
Calendar
Hey Guys,
Keep those
CALENDAR
dates rolling
in. If we don’t
get your calendar,
we can’t put it in
the Planet.
April 22 - May 8, 2004
MUSIC
THURSDAY, APRIL 22
ACOUSTIC SONGWRITERS SHOWCASE, Lake Ida
Jim Parker hosts Songwriters in the Round
featuring Rick Beresford and Sam & Annie Tate
BENCHWARMER College Night - DJ
FURNITURE FACTORY Marsha Morgan
HUMPHREY’S Roger “Hurricane” Wilson - The
most powerful Blues show around. Roger and his
band consistently pound out the most intense
blues grooves and electrifying solos of any blues
group in the U.S. Don’t miss it.
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Dog and Pony Show
OAK MOUNTAIN AMPHITHEATRE, Pelham
Sevendust - w/special guests Cold, Apartment 26
& Atomship
ROCKABILLY’S Open Mic with James “The Kid”
Irvin, drummer for The Lonesome Kings and The
Blues Mercenaries
SAMMY T’s Ladies Night! Live Music!
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Dave Anderson
THE BRICK, Decatur Live Music - TBA
THE CORNER Tom Cremeens – Electric Rock and
Alternative
THE CROSSROADS Perpetual Groove
UPSCALE Marge Loveday
FRIDAY, APRIL 23
801 FRANKLIN Dave McConnell “The Sinatra Guy”
is joining us for his take on “old blue eyes.” A great
show, please join us! 8-11:30 pm
BENCHWARMER Diamond Blue
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Hot Rod Otis
BUFFALO’S PUSH - A great band with great fun.
The best of the ‘70s through today.
DECADENCE R&B, Jazz & Blues
EMBER CLUB Johnny Atkins with Chaos Band
- Classic rock, blues & some country. All Jammers
welcome and WILL sit in! 8:30 pm
FINNEGAN’S PUB Nancy Maria-Luce at the piano
FURNITURE FACTORY The Scratch Band - ‘60s,
‘70s & ‘80s Dance Music
GREEN DOOR BOOKS, Athens Barry Kay Acoustic guitar and vocals, a wide variety of music
in the James Taylor/Jim Croce mold. 6-8 pm
HALFTIME BAR & GRILL Live Music - TBA
HUMPHREY’S Pla’ Station - You had better bring
an extra rearend because you will most likely wear
yours out during the first set. These boys lay down
the funk like they were Rick James or somethin’!
Shake that booty!!
Twenty-eight year old Adam Hood hails from small
town Opelika, Alabama. First picking up a guitar
at age 10, Adam was playing live in church bands
by the age of 14. By 16, Hood had quit the football
team and entered the local music scene, performing weekend gigs at local restaurants. He has just
released “6th Street” and will be playing at the
Klatsch on Friday night, April 23.
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Adam Hood - singer/
songwriter
MOODY MONDAYS HDK Karaoke
SAMMY T’s The Land
SPORTS PAGE Short Bus - the best of Funk, Dance
and Classic R&B to keep your booty shakin’! Come
and Take A Ride on The Bus!
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Absylom Rising
THE BRICK, Decatur 3 Hour Tour
THE CORNER Dave Anderson – Voted Best
Musician by Valley Planet readers, plays Electric &
Acoustic, Rock, Alternative & Originals
THE CROSSROADS The Snake Doctors
THE DOCKS, Scottsboro Sam Stewart
THIRD BASE GRILL Robby & Jim - Acoustic Guitar
& Harmonica. 9 pm
UPSCALE The Dazzling Diva Cabaret @ 11:26 pm.
Special Guests: L’oreal Chilane, Victoria Monique,
Sophie Cox, Cedaria Rion
CALENDAR continued on next page!
H U N T S V I L L E
THE VALLEY PLANET
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15
MUSIC
Continued from page 15
SATURDAY, APRIL 24
BENCHWARMER The Land
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Duane Walker & the
Desperados
FURNITURE FACTORY Tom Cremeens
HALFTIME BAR & GRILL Funk Junkies
HUMPHREY’S Microwave Dave & The Nukes
- Wow!! Two heavy hitters in one week! Must be
Springtime! Dave’s show is about the most fun
you can have with one band. Catch a little date in
your eye! BEEP BEEP!!
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Live Music - TBA
MOONDOGS PUB & GRUB Robby & Jim Acoustic Guitar & Harmonica. 8 pm
SAMMY T’s Pla Station
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Lacey Atchison
THE BRICK, Decatur 3 Hour Tour
THE CORNER Donnie Cox & Lisa Hubbard Acoustical Duo Variety Rock
THE CROSSROADS Michael Glabicki (Lead singer
of RUSTED ROOT)
UPSCALE Dinner & Dancing with DJ Derek & DJ
Michele
WILD FLOUR BISTRO Greg Chambers on sax &
Keith Taylor on keyboards - Jazz & Blues
SUNDAY, APRIL 25
BLUEBIRD CAFÉ, Nashville Jim & Friends
HUMPHREY’S Jay Wilson
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Blues Jam
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Ant & Andrew
Acoustic
THE CORNER Sunday Evening Jam Session hosted by Scott Morgan, all musicians welcome!
9 p.m.
THE CROSSROADS Gillian Welch - Grammy
nominated, alt-country artist. (No Movie) This is a
no-smoking show
MONDAY, APRIL 26
BENCHWARMER Karaoke
HUMPHREY’S Jonathan Giles & Bart Weilberg
- Jon Giles brings us one of rockabilly’s finest
guitarists to date!! Don’t miss this absolutely
rollicking, rockin’ & slammin Monday night party
blast!!!
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Acoustic Showcase
PEANUT FACTORY HDK Karaoke
SPORTS PAGE Robby & Jim - Acoustic Guitar &
Harmonica. 9 pm
THE CORNER Dave Anderson – Looking for
something to do on Monday nights? Come to The
Corner and listen to the musician voted Best of
the Valley, Dave Anderson. Don’t forget to say hi
to Tess, who was voted Best Bartender! Electric,
Acoustic, Rock, Alternative & Originals.
THE CROSSROADS Jim Cavender & Jonathan
Giles host “The Monday Night Roots Review”
Open Mic
TUESDAY, APRIL 27
BENCHWARMER King Karaoke
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Liberty Ray - BIKE
NIGHT every Tuesday night. 5-8 pm
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Road Robby & Jim - Open
Mic Night. 9:30 pm
COPPER TOP HDK Karaoke
16
HUMPHREY’S Tom Cremeens - Come down and
get into some intense, modern rock and roll as
Tom sizzles through the best of them!!
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Microwave Dave - solo,
electric blues
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Big Baller Reese
THE CORNER Scott Morgan - Acoustic Rock - ‘60s
to current. NTN Trivia tournament at 7:30 p.m.
THE CROSSROADS Toy Shop
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 28
FURNITURE FACTORY Copperline
HUMPHREY’S Minivan Blues Band - If you were
here for their most excellent debut performance,
then no intro is needed. This band rocks!! Great
jam-outs on themes old and new with a little
bluegrass flavor sprinkled in for good measure!
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Rockabilly with Craig
Thomas
OAK MOUNTAIN AMPHITHEATRE, Pelham
Puddle of Mudd - w/special guest Lynam
THE BRICK, Decatur Open Mic
THE CORNER Marjorie Loveday - Keyboard &
Acoustic Rock and Folk
THE CROSSROADS Dave Anderson
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
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THURSDAY, APRIL 29
featuring Debi Champion, Tom Fedora and Dick
Feller
FURNITURE FACTORY Dan Hardin
HUMPHREY’S Foggy Bottom - One of Nashville’s
coolest bands. You could call it Buffalo Mountain
Blue Spring Water Jam. Yeah. A touch of rock, a
sprinkle of Jazz and a cupful of jam. Right on!!
Blues Mercenaries
SAMMY T’s Ladies Night! Live Music by Short Bus
THE BRICK, Decatur Ben & Nick
Alternative
THE CROSSROADS The Motet
FRIDAY, APRIL 30
801 Franklin Marsha Morgan - With roots in
gospel and country, and influences from artists
like Bonnie Raitt, Stevie Nicks and Carol King, her
music has a blues, folk-rock flavor. 8-11:30 pm
THE VALLEY PLANET
HALFTIME BAR & GRILL Big Daddy Kingfish
HUMPHREY’S Humphrey’s All Stars - Finally!
After a long break, the boys (and girl(s)) are back
with some extra Kung Pao!!! Chris West will be the
featured Saxophone player for this show. You’ll
enjoy healthy servings of Blues, Rock and R&B
with delicious Jazz numbers sprinkled in for taste!
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Live Music - TBA
SAMMY T’s Rollin’ In The Hay
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Toy Shop
THE BRICK, Decatur Live Music - TBA
THE CORNER Dave Anderson, Voted Best
THE CROSSROADS Gamble Brothers
THE DOCKS, Scottsboro Lacey Atchison
& Harmonica. 9 pm
TWILIGHT ZONE, Guntersville Short Bus - the
best of Funk, Dance and Classic R&B to keep your
booty shakin’! Come and Take A Ride on The Bus!
SATURDAY, MAY 1
801 FRANKLIN Lindsey Hinkle - a hot, young song
writer from Jacksonville, Ala. She’s earning lots of
awards and recognition. www.lindseyhinkle.com
BENCHWARMER Live Music - TBA
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Cinco de Mayo Party!
Music by Mambo Gris Gris
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Road Peacemaker
FURNITURE FACTORY Eric Jackson & Ricky Ray
Rector. An award-winning singer/songwriter,
Ricky’s songs have been recorded by George
Strait, Dobie Gray and Waylon Jennings and more.
HALFTIME BAR & GRILL Funk Junkies
Racing with energy and thriving on evolution, The
Motet is fast becoming one of the most eclectic
ensembles in the ever-expanding American improvtouring band scene. Expanding horizons and shrugging off tradition, this Boulder, Colorado-based outfit continues to blow away its audiences and enthrall
fans from all walks of life. The world beats and hard
groove of The Motet are celestial, taking on new
formations and directions with every performance.
The music is amazing improvisation that awakens
and stirs the soul.
The Crossroads, Thursday, April 29 at 9 pm - $7 in
Advance, $10 Day of Show – 19+ Show
ALABAMA THEATRE, Birmingham Indigo Girls in
Concert with special guest Shawn Mullins. 8 p.m.
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville 5ive O’Clock Charlie
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Road Peacemaker
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MUSIC
HUMPHREY’S San Rafael Band - Celebrate Cinco
De Mayo with the real thing!! Rafael Vaskas and
his rocking Latin band hail from Latin American
Roots via Nashville!! Enjoy original compositions
in the vein of Carlos Santana, Pueblo Santas,
Ricardo Valenzuela and Rafael Vaskas himself!!
Don’t miss this jewel in our midst. See you on the
patio with dancing gear in tow! Ole’!!!
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Scott Holt and The Scott
Holt Band - Former lead guitarist for Buddy Guy.
MONTE SANO PARK Fire on the Mountain Benefit
Concert 1 p.m. Performers include 5ive O’Clock
Charlie, Haven and Gulliver, featuring Gary Nichols.
Concert benefits home-fire victims Sean and
Shelly Todd.
OAK MOUNTAIN AMPHITHEATRE, Pelham Harry
Connick Jr. in Concert! The 2004 Coca-Cola Star
Series Continues. 8 p.m.
QUAIL RUN FARM, Fayetteville, TN Electrified
Farmyard Festival - Shametown, Chinese Dentists,
The Snake Doctors, Iratowns and Toy Shop.
SAMMY T’s Bishop Black
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Live Music - TBA
THE CORNER Lisa Busler – Acoustic, folk rock and
originals. Awesome guitarist and vocalist!
THE CROSSROADS Snake Oil Medicine Show
THE DOCKS, Scottsboro Dave Anderson
TWILIGHT ZONE, Guntersville Short Bus - the
best of Funk, Dance and Classic R&B to keep your
booty shakin’! Come and Take A Ride on The Bus!
Michele
WILD FLOUR BISTRO Live Music - TBA
SUNDAY, MAY 2
HUMPHREY’S Jay Wilson
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Blues Jam
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Ant & Andrew
Acoustic
THE CORNER Sunday Evening Jam Session
hosted by Scott Morgan, all musicians welcome!
9 p.m.
THE CROSSROADS Movie Night with FREE Music
by Cpt. Solarcat
In Concert
Sevendust
with special guests Cold,
Apartment 26 & Atomship
April 22 – Oak Mt.
Amphitheatre, Pelham
Puddle of Mudd
with Special Guest: Lynam
April 28 – Oak Mt.
Indigo Girls
April 30 – Alabama Theatre,
Birmingham
Harry Connick Jr.
May 1 – Oak Mt.
Chicago
May 11 – VBC Arena,
Huntsville
Kid Rock
June 3 – VBC Arena, Huntsville
Tim McGraw
& The Dancehall Doctors with
special guests Big & Rich and
The Warren Brothers
June 16 – Oak Mt.
Shania Twain
June 30 – BJCC Arena,
Birmingham
John Mayer
with special guests Maroon 5
& DJ Logic
August 28 – Oak Mt.
18
MONDAY, MAY 3
BENCHWARMER Karaoke
HUMPHREY’S Scott Morgan - Enjoy a relaxing
and fun Monday evening with the Scott’s upbeat
styles. Everything from The Beatles to The Cure to
The Rolling Stones to Pink Floyd to Arlo Guthrie
to ETC., ETC.
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Acoustic Showcase
PEANUT FACTORY HDK Karaoke
SPORTS PAGE Robby & Jim - Acoustic Guitar &
Harmonica. 9 pm
THE CORNER Dave Anderson – Looking for
something to do on Monday nights? Come to The
Corner and listen to the musician voted Best of
the Valley, Dave Anderson. Don’t forget to say hi
to Tess, who was voted Best Bartender! Electric,
Acoustic, Rock, Alternative & Originals.
THE CROSSROADS Jim Cavender & Jonathan
Giles host “The Monday Night Roots Review”
Open Mic
WILD FLOUR BISTRO Live Entertainment - Wine
Tasting, 5 courses, 5 wines
TUESDAY, MAY 4
BENCHWARMER King Karaoke
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Live music TBA - BIKE
NIGHT every Tuesday night. 5-8 pm
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Road Robby & Jim - Open
Mic Night. 9:30 pm
COPPER TOP HDK Karaoke
HUMPHREY’S Transcend - Brand New Band!!
Come check these guys out. Their CD sounds
awesome!! Pretty soon, we’ll have enough original
bands in Huntsville to start a movement. Come be
a part of it! We’re on a roll, Huntsville!!
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Microwave Dave - solo,
electric blues
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Tom Cremeens
THE CORNER Good Fortune - Irish Night!
Authentic Celtic Music. Come to The Corner for
authentic Celtic music, drink specials and door
prizes.
THE CROSSROADS Toy Shop
WEDNESDAY, MAY 5
HUMPHREY’S What would Cinco De Mayo be
without: THE AMAZING TBA BAND! Who knows
what exciting tricks they’ll try!
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Rockabilly with Craig
Thomas
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Rider’s Night! Live
Music TBA
THE CORNER Marjorie Loveday – Keyboard &
Acoustic Rock and Folk
THE CROSSROADS Dave Anderson
THURSDAY, MAY 6
featuring Donny Lowery, Walt Aldridge and Gary
Baker
FURNITURE FACTORY Liberty
HUMPHREY’S Stout - Didn’t we just see them? I
guess that depends on the definition of the word
“we.” Who are you? Have you seen STOUT? Shame
on you if you haven’t. This band is awesome!
Blues Mercenaries
SAMMY T’s Ladies Night! PUSH - A great band
with great fun. The best of the ‘70s through today.
Alternative
THE CROSSROADS The Snake Doctors
FRIDAY, MAY 7
801 FRANKLIN Dave McConnell “The Sinatra Guy”
is joining us for his take on “old blue eyes.”
BENCHWARMER Bookem Dano - “danceable” rock
music with some old classics thrown in!
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Chris Young, 8 p.m.
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Short Bus - the best of
Funk, Dance and Classic R&B to keep your booty
shakin’! Come and Take A Ride on The Bus!
BUFFALO’S PUSH - A great band with great fun.
The best of the ‘70s through today.
FURNITURE FACTORY Chad Bradford
HUMPHREY’S Stout - Just can’t get enough of
this band!! But you had better get down here
tonight; they won’t be back for quite a while.
They have lots of other cities & states in which to
spread the gospel. Come to Humphrey’s tonight
and bid STOUT farewell on their national tour!!
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Electric Voodoo
SAMMY T’s U.S.
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Pat Morris
THE CORNER Dave Anderson – Voted Best
THE CROSSROADS Hayseed Dixie
THE DOCKS, Scottsboro Sam Stewart
& Harmonica. 9 pm
SATURDAY, MAY 8
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville 5ive O’Clock Charlie
FLYING MONKEY ARTS CENTER “The Forbidden
Zone” & The Counterclockwise - $5, 18+, 8 pm.
A 1980 film by Richard Elfman. The film is fun,
outrageous and shocking. Definitely not for the
faint of heart. The Counterclockwise will perform
after the movie.
FURNITURE FACTORY Voodo Dogz
HUMPHREY’S Revelation - All right, man!!
Let’s get serious into some whitebread Rasta
intimation on the drums and strings, man!!
Don’t waste your blood on that Britney Spears
bubblegum-silicone pop!! Get your soul cleaned
good with the Revelation!!
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR Premier of the video
“Klatsch the Musical” $5.00 charitable donation
(Black Tie)
SAMMY T’s Spunk Monkees
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE Reddletters
Alternative
THE CROSSROADS Tishamingo
THE DOCKS, Scottsboro Brian Russell
Michele
WILD FLOUR BISTRO Live Music - TBA
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
EVENTS
Through April 25
“YAM2004: Youth Art Month Exhibit”
Celebrate the talents of our youth as the Museum
showcases works of art created by area students in
kindergarten through grade 12. Free to members,
included in gen. adm. to non-members.
Through April 30
Spring Farm Festival
Burritt on the Mountain – A Living Museum
During the month of April, join Burritt on the
Mountain as we celebrate all the new baby
animals in the Barnyard. Activities include barnyard
buddies, wagon rides, story hours, and make-andtake activities. Festival admission is $6 per adult, $5
per senior, military, & student, $3 per child (2-18 yr.).
Children under two and Burritt Museum members
are free. Parking is at the museum. If the lot fills, we
will have nearby, off-site parking with continuous,
free shuttle bus. www.burrittmuseum.com
Through April 30
Festival of Flowers 2004: “Flowerbeds
Redefined!” - Huntsville Botanical Garden
Created especially for the Festival, oversized
‘beds’ made from real plants and flowers will be
on display throughout the Garden. See a daybed,
waterbed, crazy quilt, nursery cribs, and even
misbehaving topiary monkeys jumping on their
own bed. The Garden will be a spectacular feast for
the eyes with tens of thousands of blooming tulips,
daffodils, dogwoods, azaleas, and a breathtaking
wildflower trail. Weekends feature music and
special activities for children. Adm. is charged. A
complete schedule is available at www.hsvbg.org
or by calling (256) 830-4447.
Through April 30
“Heritage of Lincoln County, Tenn.”
Lincoln County, Tennessee’s Heritage Book
Committee is preparing a unique collection
of topical and family sketches — a windfall to
historians, storytellers, libraries, and genealogists,
alike! All residents of, former residents of, and
those with ancestors in the county are invited
to submit a family household genealogy/history
of 500 words and one photograph (no originals,
please) to be printed free! If your ancestors arrived
in Lincoln County prior to 1836, you may submit
ONE additional 500-word Pioneer genealogy/
history and another photograph to be printed free.
Info: www.tncountyheritage.com, or contact Jack
Towry at (931) 433-8406 or Walsworth Publishing
Co. at countyheritageinc@mindspring.com and
eaglesnestmtn@mindspring.com.
Through May 2
“Encounters: Jean Hess”
Exhibition features new works by this acclaimed
Tennessee artist who uses mixed media on
canvas and wood to explore aspects of nature and
memory.
Through May 2
“Allied Artists of America: An Invitational”
This group invitational will present 68 oils, works
on paper, and sculptures by skilled contemporary,
realist artists who are members of the prestigious
Allied Artists of America.
Through May 6
“An Adventure of Ecological Proportions”: Lego
Ocean Adventure and Earth Journey
Sci-Quest Hands-On Science Center
The Lego Ocean Adventure is a 1,200 sq.ft.,
hands-on traveling exhibit designed to spark kids’
curiosity in the world’s oceans and foster their
appreciation of the fragile marine environment.
Earth Journey is a virtual tour of our planet’s
diverse biomes, including a rainforest, a desert
and an aquatic environment. The Lego Ocean
Adventure is included with the purchase of a
Sci-Quest Gen. Adm. ticket. A Super Science Pass,
which includes gen. adm. and an Immersive
Theater presentation, is $11.75 for adults, $11.25
for seniors and $10.75 for children.
Through May 8
“Tiny Treasures” Exhibit
The miniature art of Wes & Rachelle Siegrist
Meridian Arts Gallery
This young and talented husband and wife team
can truly be called a “dynamic duo!” The two artists
began focusing their art on miniatures just six
years ago and have earned awards, recognition
THE VALLEY PLANET
EVENTS
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DR
Rx for Old Stuff That Don’t Suck
The March 30 issue of USA Today trumpeted, “Kids today are
listening to their parent’s music.” … Duh.
We all know they read that in the Valley Planet, and that it would only be a
matter of time before Dr. Anarcho’s message blankets the world. Since the Planet was
created, we’ve turned the youth of America on to the old stuff that don’t suck.
Always on the cutting edge, your doctor must admit that leading the retro trend
in music was a no-brainer; kids today are very smart, and smart people love good
music.
James Austin, vice president of A&R at Rhino Records, whose specialty is reissue and
retrospectives, is quoted in USAT, “We’ve sold younger kids short. Kids today are a lot
more sophisticated and more open than anyone realizes.”
Make that “anyone but Dr. Anarcho,” dude. Today’s music is more for the eyes than the
ears — how screwed up is that? The smart young ones today reject that image-oversound schlock. It’s true that, through the music, many classic rockers were bestowed
with mythical, larger-than-life images later, particularly after early deaths. A very
prescient Jimi Hendrix said of rock stars, “After you’re dead, you got it made.”
Real music lovers either abhor on sight, or tire quickly of the strained-pea musical
baby food that is Justin Memberlick, Britney Spears, and Janet Jackson’s greatest
tits, though it’s one lucky baby in that case. All of this stuff is pablum, foisted off on
12-year-olds as music. What it really is, is dance-team choreography, lip-synced and
devoid of any semblance of musical creativity.
Beatles historian Martin Lewis posits that the hope expressed in the music of the ‘60s
and ‘70s is one of the big draws of youth to their parents’ music:
“So much of original music today is clouded by cynicism, a blasé attitude, irony and
flippancy. Young people like to feel uplifted, but the culture has a sneer on its face, so
they turn to music, albeit frozen in time, that has an exuberant optimism. Artists in the
‘60s, and to a degree the ‘70s, dared to hope, perhaps naively, that things could get
better. Teens should be joyous and optimistic. There’s plenty of time to be bitter and
twisted later.”
You bet. Worked for me. Speaking of bitter and twisted, I didn’t mention rap, did I?
That’s because this is a music column. Rap is a phenomenon all its own, a performance
art appreciated by many, but not music by any stretch of the term — and that goes
double for Eminem, the enema man, and the rest of the rap-light crew.
I never express that opinion that someone doesn’t try and trump it with the race card.
You can blow your race card argument out your wazoo in this musical discussion. The
very best of the classic rockers that kids are tuning in to — Zeppelin, Hendrix, Clapton,
etc. — proudly trace their roots to Robert Johnson, B.B. King, Howlin’ Wolf and other
original blues-rock innovators from the Mississippi Delta. Eric Clapton’s newest release
is Me and Mr. Johnson, a tribute to Robert Johnson’s influence on his career. The ‘60s
and ‘70s musical era couldn’t have shaped up like it did without Wilson Pickett, Aretha
Franklin and James Brown. The point here is that Tourette-syndromed, Dr. Seussian
rhymes aren’t lyrics, and an ability to steal riffs from musicians doesn’t make you one.
If it worked that way, stealing paintings would make you Van Gough.
Dr. Anarcho’s Rx for old stuff that don’t
suck: Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon.
A young Alan Parsons produced this
1973 classic, the all-time record holder
for number of weeks on Billboard’s Top
100 chart. DSOTM is an ethereal treat
with many layers and complexities
telling a story from start to finish. This
album, more than any other, catapulted
Pink Floyd into the stratosphere of
superstardom. It never seems to grow
old, and that’s what makes it a timeless
addition to anyone’s CD collection, no
matter your age.
dranarcho@valleyplanet.com
and signature status in many of the world’s finest
miniature societies and exhibitions. In June and
July 2004, the Siegrist’s will have 10 paintings at
the Smithsonian as part of the World Federation of
Miniaturists Exhibition. They have also been asked
to do public demonstrations of their remarkable
techniques at the Exhibitions opening weekend
celebrations. Contact Dianne Scott, Meridian Arts,
(256) 534-7475. www.meridianarts.net
Through May 14
“Mother’s Day Show”
The Gallery @ 801 Franklin
High school art students will be displaying their
works dedicated to their wonderful Moms. Don’t
miss this heart-warming show!
Through May 15
“Mountain Valley Beauty: Artist Views of
Marshall County” - MVAC Gallery Guntersville
The lake, the mountains, the people. All areas of life
in Marshall County are the subject of this exhibit,
which includes photography, paintings and 3dimensional art. Artists participating in the juried
exhibit are Matt Arnold, Wanda Bearden, David
Blue, Keith Calvert, Bob Daniels, Jim Goshorn, Cyndi
Hornsby, Becky Kennedy, Pat McDaniel, David
Moore, Bill Moss, Sandi Perkins, Terri Shaddox,
Jayne Taylor, Juanita Walker, Jackie Webb and
Monica West. (256) 582-1454, artscouncil@mindsp
ring.com, www.MountainValleyArtsCouncil.org.
Through June 1
Shama Patel Art Exhibit
Clay House Museum
Through June 5
Recycled Art Contest – Call For Entries!
Flying Monkey Arts Center
Turn your trash into art! Turn your art into cash!
There will be $50 Cash Awards given June 5. There
will be a $100 People’s Choice award that will be
given after the exhibition (this winner is chosen by
the public). $5 entry fee. Info and submission forms
are available at www.recycledartcontest.com.
Through June 15
MOVA Arts Festival Songwriters’ Competition
Now accepting entries for the songwriters
competition. Awards given include $1500 Best of
Show. Eleven competition categories. Performing
festival in September. For information, call the
Mountain Valley Arts Council at (256) 582-1454
or visit http://MOVA.MountainValleyArtsCounci
l.org. Discounted entry deadline is May 15. Final
deadline is June 15.
Through October 31
“An Eye for Adventure: Walter Anderson’s View
of Children’s Literature”
Classical literature held an endless fascination for
Walter Anderson, especially works for children.
During his life he produced literally thousands
of drawings, watercolors and blocks, which
illustrate many well-known fables and tales. This
exhibition will include large block prints of fairy
tales, drawings from “Alice In Wonderland” and
the complete set of block prints from his children’s
book “Robinson: The Pleasant History of an
Unusual Cat.” Gen. adm. for non-members.
April 21 & 22
Puppet Show
“Animals & Rhymes & Lots of Fun Times”
Bailey Cove Library 4 p.m.
The Bailey Cove Library Club will assist Youth
Services Librarian Betty Pate with several skits,
stories, songs, and games related to animals and
nursery rhymes.
April 22
Hustle & West Coast Swing Lessons
Hog Wild Dance Club 6:30 p.m.
Led by Phillip Dorroll, renowned dance instructor
from Nashville, Tenn. 6:30 p.m. Hustle Lesson and
7:30 p.m. West Coast Swing Lesson. $10 for one or
both lessons. Stay after the lesson and dance with
us. Music suited for West Coast Swing, Hustle, East
Coast Swing, Latin and Country.
April 23
“2nd Annual Shakespeare Sonnet Slam”
On “The Block” Alabama A&M, 9:30 a.m.
Dramatic
Expressions
celebrates
William
Shakespeare’s 440th Birthday. A non-stop reading
of all 154 Shakespeare sonnets by students, faculty
and community guests. The informal event will
start at 9:30 a.m. and continue until all the sonnets
CALENDAR continued on page 20
THE VALLEY PLANET
#042204050504
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
19
What’s Black & White
and Just Plain Crazy?
by Catherine Shearer
C
ampier than “Rocky Horror.” Boasts
Danny Elfman’s first soundtrack.
Stars
Hervé Villechaize. Cameo
appearance by The Kipper Kids. Have no
clue? It’s “The Forbidden Zone.”
“The Citizen Kane of Underground
Movies.” — Film Threat
So, are you curious? Brave enough to
come out and see it? If so, Flying Monkey
Arts will be showing “The Forbidden
Zone” on Saturday, May 8 at 8 p.m.
Following the film, The Counterclockwise
will play at 10 p.m. Due to mature content,
admittance will only be granted to those
18 and over. Admission is only $5.
Written and directed by Richard Elfman,
Danny’s big brother, “The Forbidden
Zone” is great fun. Richard Elfman
has directed other cult films, including
“Shrunken Heads” and “Modern
Vampires.”
If you haven’t seen The Counterclockwise,
you really should. They are one of the best
bands around and are definitely the most
original band in Huntsville. Members of
the band regularly switch instruments,
and their onstage antics are great fun to
Danny Elfman demonstrates his
genius for film score in this, his
first undertaking. Given just two
weeks to score the film, Danny
did a superb job of creating
one of the most memorable
soundtracks that I have ever
had the pleasure of hearing.
“The Forbidden Zone” seems
like an extended music video,
but the pieces fit together into
a surreal masterpiece of utter
goofiness. The film features the
music of Oingo Boingo, Cab
Calloway, Josephine Baker and
many others.
One of the stars of the film, Squeezit
Henderson the chicken-boy (Matthew
Bright), was a contributing writer on “The
Forbidden Zone,” which was his first
screenwriting credit. Matthew went on to
write “Guncrazy” (Drew Barrymore), and
then he wrote and directed “Freeway”
(Reese Witherspoon).
have been read (approx. 12:30 p.m.), with the end
marked by a birthday cake. (256) 372-4086.
April 23
“Heads Up Robbie”
Flying Monkey Arts Center 10 p.m.
An original play written by S.D. Stubidge. Back
by popular demand, first performed by Crash,
Boom, Bang. Mature subject matter. The
Counterclockwise will perform following the play.
18 & Over Only. Adm. $5.
April 23 – 24
“Honk!”
Princess Theatre Decatur
DreamWeavers presents this musical about the
Ugly Duckling. Nightly, 7 p.m. April 24, 2 p.m.
Tickets: $10 adults, $7 students and seniors. (256)
340-1778
April 23 – 25
“The Hobbit”
Fantasy Playhouse Children’s Theatre
www.letthemagicbegin.org
April 23 – 25
Free Admission during Panoply!
No admission charged Friday, 5–9 p.m., Saturday,
10 a.m.–8 p.m. and Sunday, noon–6 p.m.
April 23 & 26
Auditions for “It Happened in Hamelin – The
Story of the Pied Piper”
Presented by Footlights Community Theatre. Need
boys and girls ages 8–12, teens 15–19, and men
and women of all ages. Must be able to sing a
simple tune, mirror choreographic movements
and read from script. Auditions held at Athens
Recreation Center 4 to 6 p.m. April 23 and at
Calhoun Community College Recital Hall (Fine
Arts Bldg.) 5:30 to 8 p.m. April 26. Performances
held at Athens State’s McCandless Hall July 16–18.
watch. Their music is a carnival ride of
rockin’ and twangin’; and if you listen
closely, you can hear some Danny Elfman
influence in the mix.
It only makes sense that this band play
along with the film, as one of the band
members, Matt Bakula, was an extra who
can be clearly seen in several shots in
the film “Big Fish,” which was filmed in
Montgomery. And who did the soundtrack
for that film? Yep, it was Danny Elfman.
Catherine Shearer is a native Huntsvillian, owner
of NoneSuch Gifts and supporter of the Arts.
Those with a delicate sense of humor
should not see “The Forbidden Zone.”
It is raw and raunchy and revels in its
outlandishness. And I, for one, love every
minute of it.
20
April 23 – 25
Panoply Arts Festival 2004
Big Spring Park
The Panoply Arts Festival celebrates the arts
with a wide array of performances, exhibits,
demonstrations, and hands-on art activities
for children and adults. Enjoy musical, dance
and drama stage performances from local and
traveling performers. Shop in the Boeing Art
Marketplace. Friday: 5–10 p.m. Saturday: 10 a.m. –8
p.m. Sunday: noon–8 p.m. www.panoply.org.
Richard Elfman says of the
“The Forbidden Zone”:
“‘The Forbidden Zone’ was
essentially an attempt to
capture on film what I had
been doing on stage with my
musical-theatrical group, the
Mystic Knights of the Oingo
Boingo (which later morphed
into rock band, Oingo Boingo).
The rule of original group
being “f*** contemporary,”
our music was either totally
original, care of younger brother Danny,
or loving recreations of classics that
people could no longer hear live, such
as Cab Calloway, Josephine Baker, early
Duke Ellington and Django Rheinhardt.
The theatrics were Absurd; Felliniesque
characters, Max Fleischer cartoonish
sets, Three Stooge physicality — all
sublimated with refined and original
ballets, movement and modern dance.
We had fun and so did our audiences.”
(www.forbiddenzonethemovie.com/
prod_notes.htm)
EVENTS
April 23 – 24 and April 30 – May 1
“Southern Fried Murder”
Renaissance Theatre Alpha Stage 7 p.m.
All shows are dinner theatre. “Southern Fried
Murder” combines the best of comedy and
mystery, mixes in satire of just about every
Southern play you’ve ever heard of, throws in a
few bad puns and mixes outlandish characters
to create fun for the whole family! Audiences will
meet the cast up close and should be prepared to
do their part to solve the mystery! Reservations
req. Tickets: $35, proceeds benefit theatre’s
building fund.
April 24
“Panoply Idol” Semifinal Competition
Von Braun Center Concert Hall
For rules and registration information, visit the Fox
54 website at www.fox54.com. Sponsored by The
Arts Council and Fox 54.
April 24
Alabama Old School Skateboard Reunion
Insanity Skatepark Madison
Visit www.SkateAlabama.com for details.
April 24
Wine Tasting
Pauli’s Gourmet Food, Wine & Fine Spirits
3 to 5 p.m. 18 years ++ welcome.
April 24 – 25
Auditions for “Pageant”
Renaissance Theater
1 p.m. April 24 and 5 p.m. April 25. Production
dates are August 13–21. Directed by Lee Deal.
Roles available for 7 males, ages 18 and up.
Those auditioning should prepare a short song
(accompanist provided. (256) 881-5387.
April 25
9th Annual Short Attention Span Film & Video
Festival - Flying Monkey Arts Center 6 p.m.
The festival program consists of 60 to 70 twominute films and runs for just over an hour
and a half. The films are very eclectic: some are
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
rough and some polished, some hilarious and
others heartbreaking. They all demonstrate
the fantastic power of the short film. Adm. $5.
www.filmcoop.org
April 25
“Not so Elementary, My Dear Watson; Playing
the Sherlockian Game”
Clay House Museum 2 p.m.
The Museum hosts lecturer Lee Shackleford,
Playwright-in-Residence at the University of
Alabama at Birmingham and member of the
Alabama Humanities Foundation speakers bureau.
Reservations; light refreshments served. FREE.
April 25
The Miss Alabama Continental Pageant
Upscale 10 p.m.
April 25
“underSkatement”
Film festival composed of short films made by
skateboarders about the lives of skateboarders.
“underSkatement” is in its third year and has
shown in 20 cities in the U.S. and in 6 countries. The
screening of “underSkatement” at this year’s New
York Underground Film Festival on March 14 sold
out to an enthusiastic audience. Adm. $5.
April 26 – May 1
Folklife Festival
Alabama Constitution Village 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.
The Village springs to life with arts, crafts and
domestic activities of the 1800s. See candle
dippers, spinners, blacksmiths, basket makers and
woodworkers demonstrating their crafts. Cooking
over the open hearth and making old-fashioned
cornhusk dolls are all part of the festival. Try your
hand at tin punch and washtub laundry, hoops
and sticks! Sit for a spell and listen to the storyteller
spin a yarn or two. Dance lessons and music round
out the festival with some toe-tapping tunes!
Admission charged.
April 27 – 28
“Sesame Street Live”
Von Braun Center
April 27 – May 2
“Les Miserables”
Von Braun Center Concert Hall
Broadway Theatre League. Based on Victor
Hugo’s classic novel, this epic saga sweeps
through three turbulent decades of 19th-century
France. Full of romance, passion, suspense and
humanity, “Les Miserables” is the story of one man,
the fugitive, Jean Valjean, who is pitted against the
cruel and self righteous police Inspector Javert in a
life long struggle to evade capture. Apr 27-29 and
May 2 at 7:30 p.m. Apr 30 and May 1 at 8 p.m. May
1, 2 at 2 p.m. www.btleague.org
April 29
April 29 – May 2
“Snoopy The Musical!!!”
Grissom High School Auditorium
It’s remarkable! Fantastic! Entertaining! Yes, Charles
M. Schulz has done it again. SNOOPY!!! the musical
sequel to “You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown”
deserves each of its three exclamation points.
Based on the world-renowned “Peanuts” comic
strip, it delights every audience with the quiet
knowledge and wit of its characters. Presented
by Grissom High School Theatre. April 29, 30, May
1 at 7 p.m. May 1, 2 at 2 p.m. Gen. Adm. Adults $8,
Students/Seniors $6. Call (256) 539-1534 to reserve
tickets. Tickets available at Blossoms & Blooms on
Bailey Cove Road.
April 30
A Night of Spoken Word
The show is going to be Hot! Featuring the smooth
dreddy doctor Remi, along with the thunderous
sounds of Horace Wilson, Lady Seoul will be filling
it in spiritually, backed up by the witty Osiris and
the man with many names. Poet Marc Lacey will be
spinnin’ the ones and twos — mixing it in on the
turntables. Presented by The Artists’ Nest. Hosted
by KorKeya. Adm. $5.
April 30 & May 1
“Murder at the Four Deuces”
Clay House Museum 7 p.m.
THE VALLEY PLANET
E V E N T S Shametown
Calendar continued from previous page
Madison Theatre Guild presents an interactive
murder mystery and dinner at a roaring ‘20s
speakeasy. Robin Brewer, director. Tickets: (256)
772-1963 or (256) 325-1018. Reservations req.
April 30 – May 2
“Oklahoma!”
Randolph School Fine Arts Center
The award-winning troupe of Theatre Randolph
presents Rodger’s and Hammerstein’s classic
American musical. April 30 & May 1 at 7:30 p.m.
May 1 & 2 at 2 p.m. Located at 1005 Drake Ave.
Contact Connie Voight for tickets ($5) and info
cvoight@randolphschool.net or (256) 881-1701.
May 1
“Spring Burst” Hike: Monte Sano’s Old Railroad
Bed Trail, The Land Trust 10 a.m.
(Mod; 1.5 mi) Perfect for the whole family! History
comes alive on Monte Sano (Mountain of Health).
The Old Railroad Bed Trail follows the same path
as the steam locomotive that traveled from the
Huntsville Depot to the Monte Sano Hotel from
1888 until 1896. Leader: David Young. Directions
to The Land Trust’s parking lot: Take Pratt Avenue
to Bankhead Parkway, cross Tollgate Road. Parking
lot is half mile further on right. Park at south end
and walk past bollards to The Land Trust Pavilion.
Free to the public. www.landtrust-hsv.org
May 1
Fire on the Mountain Benefit Concert
Monte Sano Park 1 p.m.
Performers include 5ive O’Clock Charlie, Haven
and Gulliver, featuring Gary Nichols. Concert
benefits home-fire victims Sean and Shelly Todd.
May 1
Cheesy Film Festival
Flying Monkey Arts Center 2 p.m. – 2 a.m.
Come and celebrate some of the cheesiest B
movies from the ‘30s, ‘40s, ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s.
Hosted by the Film Co-op. Visit the website for a
list of possible films. www.filmcoop.org
May 1
Electrified Farmyard Festival
The Quail Run Farm Fayetteville, TN
Grab your backpacks and tents for an overnight,
outdoor music festival. The show starts at 4 p.m.
and features Shametown, Chinese Dentists, The
Snake Doctors, Iratowns and Toy Shop. Visit
www.thequailrun.com for map and ticket info. All
proceeds benefit the Ability Foundation and the
installation of handicapped accessible, automatic
doors in Alabama schools.
May 1
Sacred Harp Singing
9:30 a.m. – 2:30 p.m. Hear the music from the
movie “Cold Mountain” in the Madison Baptist
Church on the Museum grounds. Sacred harp is
a shaped-note religious folk music, which is sung
a cappella. Sacred harp singing roots go back to
the founding of our country, and today it survives
primarily in the South. FREE
May 1
Memphis Xplorers vs. Tennessee Valley Vipers
Von Braun Center 7:30 p.m.
May 1
Art Krewe Prom 2004:”I’m Still Standin”
Huntsville Museum of Art 8 p.m. to midnight
The Art Krewe invites the public to bring out their
old prom and bridesmaid dresses, tuxedos and
cummerbunds, buy a corsage and boutonniere,
and join them for vintage music from the ‘70s and
‘80s. Guests will enjoy heavy hors d’oeuvres and
a cash bar. Fundraiser for Museum Café, $30. For
tickets, call (256) 457-3819. www.hsvmuseum.org
By Georgina Chapman
Shametown’s sound is anything but
shameful. When these five musicians
decided to get together recently, they
knew they were creating something
completely different.
Alan Little and David Schrimsher have
known each other since they were kids.
In college, Alan’s abilities as a singer,
and harmonica and acoustic guitar player
combined with David’s quick fingers on
the electric and steel guitars. When they
heard Jay Wilson on piano, they soon
formed the Dog and Pony Show.
“You ever heard of that saying, ‘We’re
bringing the whole Dog and Pony Show’?
Well, that’s us,” David says with a laugh.
The Dog and Pony Show started playing
gigs across Huntsville, most often playing
at the Jazz Factory, Tavern Under the
Square or the Kaffeeklatsch. When fulltime jobs kicked in, Alan and Jay would
perform duets at Humphrey’s, and then
all three would play together on the
weekends.
Their name became well known around
town, and they began attracting a crowd
of devoted fans wherever they played.
The Five Points community asked them to
perform at last year’s Resident Day, and
that’s when David says they had their first
funny encounter with their band name.
“There were food vendors and a moon
bounce in Five Points, and apparently
some of the kids saw a sign that said,
‘Dog and Pony Show Next.’ So, they
started asking their parents when the dogs
and ponies would start showing up. When
they realized it was just us on stage, one
kid actually started bawling crying.”
The band members eventually met
drummer Solomon Grable, who was
performing with The Snake Doctors at
last year’s Electrified Farmyard Festival.
They had heard of him through other
musicians, but as soon as they heard him
play, they knew they wanted him to join
the band.
“We were playing at the fest, too, and we
thought, hey, we really need to get this
guy. He’s very versatile,” David said.
After recruiting Solomon, they soon
added Pat McCool on bass and renamed
themselves Shametown.
May 2
Local Filmmakers Meeting
Local filmmakers meet to discuss their current
projects and to share information. Hosted by the
Film Co-op. www.filmcoop.org
May 2
Gallery Walk and Slide Presentation: “Visions of
Nature” - Huntsville Museum of Art 2 p.m.
With Dr. Patricia Pinson and Clayton Bass,
exhibition co-curators; $5 for members/$10 for
non-members, includes adm. to galleries.
THE VALLEY PLANET
The group started rehearsing together
whenever they could, as the Dog and
Pony Show continued to play at area
clubs.
In December, the trio performed at the
Ability Foundation Christmas Benefit
Concert at the Crossroads. Along with
Toy Shop, HalfBrass and a stand-up
comedian from the New Orleans House
of Blues, the Dog and Pony Show lent
their musical talents to charity.
“We’ll continue to play future events like
that. They’re very important to us and
hit close to home,” David said, referring
to the Ability Foundation and its goal
for installing handicapped-accessible,
automatic doors in schools.
So, how does Shametown describe its
own music? Very Americana, with a big
mix of blues, country and folk flavor.
“There’s definitely a Southern feel to
what we play. It’s very rootsy,” David
said. “And when Jay starts singing and
playing honky-tonk style piano, it’s a lot
of fun.”
HOME SCHEDULE
APRIL-MAY 2004
TENNESSEE
SMOKIES
APRIL 23, 7:05
Fireworks Friday
APRIL 24, 7:05
ZOOperstars
APRIL 25, 2:05 DH
Kids Run the Bases
WEST TENN
DIAMOND JAXX
MAY 1, 7:05
MAY 2, 2:05
Kids Run the Bases
MAY 3, 12:05
MAY 4, 10:05 am
You can catch Shametown the second
Friday night of every month at the Jazz
Factory. They’re also lined up to play
at the 2nd annual Electrified Farmyard
Festival at the Quail Run Farm near
Fayetteville, Tenn., May 1. The overnight
camping trip offers four other bands:
Iratowns, Chinese Dentist, Toy Shop and
The Snake Doctors. Tickets are $20 with
a two-can food donation.
GREENVILLE
BRAVES
“The Electrified Farmyard Festival is the
best getaway for getting out of town. It’s
very peaceful farmland, and everyone’s
in a good mood,” David said. “Last year,
they had a space-age theme with this
incredibly huge backdrop. It was like a
piece of art. I’m interested to see what
they’ll do again this year.”
www.huntsvillestars.com
MAY 14, 7:05
Birdzerk & Fireworks
MAY 15, 7:05
MAY 16, 2:05
MAY 17, 7:05
For a map to the Electrified Farmyard
Festival and ticket information, check out
www.thequailrun.com for more details.
You can also check out Shametown
when they open up for the June 19
lineup at Ability Fest 2004 at Joe Davis
Stadium. More information on the
charity music festival can be seen at
www.abilityfest.com, plus a look at the
main headliners: PM Dawn, Arrested
Development, Donna the Buffalo and
Acoustic Syndicate. Tickets are on sale
now and are $15 in advance at all Railroad
Bazaar locations, The Crossroads and the
Chef’s Table Restaurant.
For Shametown, David says they’re just
getting started.
“We’ve got a lot of good things coming,”
he said.
May 2 – August 8
“Visions of Nature: The World of Walter
CALENDAR continued on page 22!
“The name Shametown?” David said.
“It’s a Jay Wilson creation.”
Electrified Farmyard Festival, May 1, 2004
#042204050504
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
21
Panoply Arts
Festival Schedule
Friday, April 23
Publix Kid’s Stage
Mike Ball & Friends, 5:15 p.m.
Iratowns, 6:15 p.m.
Ball in the House, 7:30 p.m.
Paul Thorn & Band, 9 p.m.
State Farm Insurance® Valley Jubilee Stage
Choreography Honorable Mentions, 5:30 p.m.
SABA School of Dance & Int’l Perf. Arts, 6:15 p.m.
Pinhook Creek Bluegrass Band, 7 p.m.
PapaRox, 8:15 p.m.
Jerry McAllister & Open Delta, 9:15 p.m.
BellSouth/Cingular Wireless Showcase Stage
GP-38, 5 p.m.
Lee Marshall, 6:15 p.m.
Time Machine, 7:30 p.m.
The Lovin’ Spoonful, 9 p.m.
Washington Square Theater Demo
Shawn Thomas & Shawn Thomas Studio, 5:15 p.m.
NEMA International Performing Arts, 8:15 p.m.
Teledyne Brown Engineering Gazebo Stage
Rocket City Chorus, 6 p.m.
Jim & Friends, 7 p.m.
Saturday, April 24
Run for the Arts Awards, 9:30 a.m.
Huntsville Elementary School Choir, 10 a.m.
UAH Concert Choir, 11 a.m.
Fantasy Playhouse Children’s Theater, 12 p.m.
Faustwork Mask Theater, 1 p.m.
Nebellen Dance Company, 2:15 p.m.
Bengali Association of Huntsville, 3:30 p.m.
The Sign Painters, 4:15 p.m.
Rocket City Brass, 5 p.m.
Island Soundzz Caribbean Band, 6:15 p.m.
Scrap Arts Music, 7:15 p.m.
The Dance Company, Inc., 10 a.m.
Grissom H.S. Dance & Images Dance Ens,10:45 a.m.
HSC Dance Magnet Company at Lee HS, 11:30 a.m.
Dance Theatre of Huntsville, 12:15 p.m.
Bobbie’s School of Dance, 1 p.m.
Images Dance Ensemble & Co. 2, 1:45 p.m.
DanzArtz Company, 2:30 p.m.
Heart & Soul Blues Brothers, 3:30 p.m.
Fox 54’s Panoply Idol, 5 p.m.
5ive O’Clock Charlie, 6 p.m.
The Band in Demand, 7:15 p.m.
The Brass Band of Huntsville, 10 a.m.
Rocket City Chorus, 11:15 a.m.
Huntsville Youth Orchestra, 12:15 p.m.
Soft Note Combo,1:45 p.m.
Guy Davis, 3:15 p.m.
Northeast Com. College Jazz Band, 4:30 p.m.
Harmonious Wail, 5:30 p.m.
Daddy Mack Blues Band, 7 p.m.
EVENTS
Anderson” Opens - Huntsville Museum of Art
“Visions of Nature” will take the viewer on a
metaphorical journey from the mainland to Horn
Island, off the Gulf Coast of Mississippi, through a
bounty of works in various mediums that depict
the natural world. Anderson’s colorful, bold works
reveal nature in its most vibrant and awe-inspiring
forms and textures. Combined with Anderson’s art
will be the award-winning works of New Orleans
photographer Dr. Donald Bradburn.
May 5 – 6
Storytellers Donald Davis and Diane Ferlatte
Nationally known storytellers make visits to the
Scottsboro Public Library at 5:30 p.m. May 5
and Northeast Ala. Comm. College at 4:30 p.m.
May 6. Free and open to the public.
May 6
22
Fantasy Playhouse, 10:15 a.m.
Face 2 Face Improv, 10:45 a.m.
Darrel Osborn Magic, 12 p.m.
Philippine American Assoc. of America, 1 p.m.
Cajun Zydeco Connection, 1: 45 p.m.
Faustwork Mask Theater, 2:30 p.m.
Theater Huntsville, 3:15 p.m.
3 Springs Therapeutic Drumming Demo, 4:30 p.m.
Madison’s Children’s Theater, 5: 30 p.m.
Lee High School, 6:30 p.m.
TNT Juggling, 7:30 p.m.
Teledyne Brown Engineering Gazebo Stage
Ralph Murphy, 10:30 a.m., 1:45 p.m., & 3:15 p.m.
Brett Boyer, 12:15 p.m.
Beverly Troup & Henry Oldham, 4:15 p.m.
Guy Davis, 5 p.m.
Songwriters Showcase with Jim Parker, 6 p.m.
Sunday, April 25
Scrap Arts Music, 12:30 p.m.
Academy Stars & Clowns, 1:30 p.m.
Big Nazo, 2:30 p.m.
Brett Boyer, 3:45 p.m.
Hawaiian Fun Polynesian Dance Troupe, 4:30 p.m.
Reunion, 5: 30 p.m.
Huntsville Symphony Orchestra, 7:30 p.m.
Billboard Award Ceremony, 12:30 p.m.
Huntsville Boys Choir, 1:30 p.m.
Jill’s Studio of Dance, 2:30 p.m.
Community Ballet, 3:15 p.m.
North Alabama Dance Center, 4 p.m.
Performing Dance Arts, 6 p.m.
Microwave Dave & the Nukes, 6:45 p.m.
Huntsville Concert Band, 1:15 p.m.
The Premiers, 2:15 p.m.
Joseph’s Coat, 3:30 p.m.
Buckler, 4:45 p.m.
Gospel Messengers, 6 p.m.
Aeolians, 7 p.m.
Madison Children’s Theater, 12:15 p.m.
Okinawan Drums, 1 p.m.
North Alabama Sebukan School, 2 p.m.
Renaissance Theater, Stage Presence, 3:15 p.m.
Heidi Knight School of Dance, 4:15 p.m.
Jeopardy, 5 p.m.
Beledi Club, 6 p.m.
The Sign Painters, 6:45 p.m.
TNT Juggling, 7:30 p.m.
Teledyne Brown Gazebo Stage
Guy Davis, 1 p.m.
Ralph Murphy, 2:15 p.m.
Calhoun Guitar Ensemble, 3:30 p.m.
Dog & Pony Show, 4:45 p.m.
Rhythms for the Savage Masses, 6 p.m.
Sly-go, 7 p.m.
May 6 – 8
Gorham’s Bluff 7th Annual Storytelling Festival
Gorham’s Bluff Pisgah
Nationally known storytellers Donald Davis and
Diane Ferlatte are this year’s featured tellers. Public
performances include the Stories ‘Round the
Table benefit dinner and concert at 7 p.m. May 7;
Telling Sessions beginning at 10 a.m., 1 p.m. and
3:30 p.m. May 8; and the Tale End Concert at 7 p.m.
May 8. Call (256) 451-2787 for tickets.
May 7
Comedian Ron White
Von Braun Center 7:30 & 10 p.m.
May 7 – 8
2004 Schaeffer Eye Center Crawfish Boil
Birmingham Railroad District
Performing Friday: Rose Hill Drive, Dexter
Freebish, Cowboy Mouth, Better Than Ezra
and Sister Hazel. Saturday: Smile Empty Soul,
Finger Eleven, The Rising, Trapt and Collective
Soul. Festival is located in Birmingham’s Railroad
District at 1st Ave. South and 18th St. Adm. $8
nightly. Tickets available at TicketMaster or at the
Regional Performers Highlight
the State Farm Insurance®
Valley Jubilee Stage at Panoply
Panoply 2004 will offer more than 40
regional and local performers throughout
the festival, April 23–25. Schools, dance
companies, organizations and groups will
provide entertainment from all genres of
performance.
The State Farm Insurance® Valley Jubilee
Stage will host a variety of dance performers
throughout the weekend. Huntsville Ballet
will perform beautiful works of ballet and
jazz. Bobbie’s School of Dance will bring
some upbeat hip-hop music to the stage.
Community Ballet will present excerpts
from fairy tales and “Pleasant Pas.” Dance
Theater of Huntsville will dance excerpts
of their “Kids in America” show. DanzArtz
Company will perform selections from
“Cinderella.” Grissom High School
Dance & Images will present dances from
their spring recital. HSC Dance Magnet
Company at Lee will perform works in
jazz and pointe. The audience will be treated
to jazz and tap performances from Jill’s
Studio of Dance. Performing Dance Arts
will put on their show entitled “Broadway
Bound.” The North Alabama Dance
Center will perform pieces in modern
dance, ballet and Irish dance. SABA School
of Dance and International Performing
Arts will perform a lively show of African
dance and hip-hop.
Local musicians will also take center
stage at the State Farm Insurance® Valley
Jubilee Stage. The Band in Demand will
play big band and swing music, while 5ive
O’Clock Charlie will play their patented
upbeat groove music. Jerry McAllister
and Open Delta will play the blues, as
will Microwave Dave and the Nukes.
PapaRox will play classical top-40 rock
music. Pinhook Creek Bluegrass Band
will play their unique bluegrass tunes. The
Huntsville Boychoir will present a number
of classical, Broadway and Disney tunes.
The Huntsville Youth Orchestra will
present a variety of orchestral pieces. The
Heart & Soul Blues Brothers will present
an entertaining tribute to the beloved Blues
Brothers.
With these regional performers and many
more, Panoply 2004 promises to be a great
time for all! For a complete schedule, please
visit us on the web at www.panoply.org.
Food Vendor Travels from Panoply to Greece!
by Nicole Cann
One of the most delicious reasons to come to Panoply is to sample the delectable food from
around the world. Featuring everything from funnel cakes to alligator tails, Panoply provides
dishes for every appetite. This year Panoply is excited to announce that one of its vendors,
Alex Chronis, is going to Greece to participate in food vending at the Summer Olympics.
Hailing from Greece, Chronis’ booth, The Greek Corner, has been a part of the Panoply show
for six years. Chronis spends three months out of every year in Greece helping his cousin with
his restaurant, also called The Greek Corner. This year his cousin was selected by the Greek
government to participate as a food vendor in the Summer Olympics. Chronis will be working
with his cousin to help serve food to visitors and Olympians alike. Chronis states that he
enjoys the opportunity each year to participate in Panoply. The shows and the people all give
him reason to come back year after year and serve his wonderful Greek food to all Panoply
guests. For a full list of food vendors, visit the Panoply website at www.panoply.org.
gate. A limited number of “VIP Experience” tickets
($50 a day) are available. The VIP Mudbug Club will
feature an exclusive, raised viewing area next to
the stage, access to VIP restrooms, a private cash
bar and free boiled crawfish. The VIP tickets may
be purchased online at www.ticketmaster.com.
www.schaeffercrawfishboil.com.
May 7 – 9 & 14 – 16
“Cotton Patch Gospel”
8 p.m. An award-winning musical presented in
Burritt’s old country church by Burritt on the
Mountain and Renaissance Theatre. “Cotton Patch
Gospel” is a reverential retelling of the Gospels of
Mathew and John in a contemporary, southern
setting accompanied by bluegrass music. Offered
in conjunction with the Huntsville Museum of Art’s
major exhibition “Becoming a Nation.” $20 per
person. May 7, 8, 14, 15 at 8 p.m. May 9, 16 at 2 p.m.
www.burrittmuseum.com
May 8
“Elijah”
First Baptist Church Huntsville 7:30 p.m.
This masterpiece by Felix Mendelssohn is
considered one of the most outstanding oratorios
ever written and is a favorite of both choruses who
sing it and audiences who listen to it. It is the age-
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
old story of a prophet of God (Elijah) versus the
followers of Baal. David Ford, well-known bass, will
again sing the part of the prophet Elijah.
(256) 533-6606. www.thechorus.org
May 8
“The Forbidden Zone” & The Counterclockwise
A 1980 film by Richard Elfman, featuring music by
Danny Elfman and starring Hervé Villechaize, Susan
Tyrrell and Matthew Bright (director of Freeway).
The film is fun, outrageous and shocking. Definitely
not for the faint of heart. The Counterclockwise will
perform after the movie. 18+ only. Adm. $5.
May 8
“Tropical Evening” Latin Dance
Seniors Center Auditorium 8 p.m.
Located at 2200 Drake Ave. FREE Merengue and
Salsa group dance lesson, 8–9 p.m. by Dwaine
Cooper. Music provided by Luis Treviño and the
Latin Rhythms band, alternating with “DJ Azucar”
(DJ Signey Hernandez). Per person admission:
$10 advance, $15 at the door. Tickets available
at La Michoacana grocery from April 26–May 7
(256-532-0266) or from members of the Alabama
Hispanic Association. Everyone is encouraged to
wear a tropical shirt.
THE VALLEY PLANET
Go to www.valleyplanet.com to see everybody who received
votes in the “Best of the Valley Reader’s Poll” and read more
about the winners. Discuss your thoughts at our new
FORUMS online at www.valleyplanet.com!
THE RESULTS
FOOD
Best Restaurants Overall
801 Franklin 16%, Pauli’s Chophouse 9%,
Pauli’s Bar & Grill 7%
Best Chef
Matt Martin 24%, Andy Howery 11%, James
A. Hendricks 9%
Best Fine Dining
Pauli’s Chophouse 26%, 801 Franklin 20%,
Pauli’s Bar & Grill 16%
Best Home Cooking
Blue Plate Café 18%, Rolo’s 16%, Cracker
Barrel 8%
Best BBQ
Gibson’s 28%, Lawler’s 13%, Thomas Pitt BBQ
11%
Best Cajun Food
Tim’s Cajun Kitchen 60%, Po’ Boy Factory
20%, Copeland’s 13%
Best Mexican Food
Rosie’s Mexican Cantina 41%, El Palacio 17%,
Pepito’s 9%
Best Family Restaurant
Ryan’s 13%, Cracker Barrel 9%, Picadilly 7%
Best All-You-Can-Eat
Ryan’s 29%, Cici’s 15%, Papa Lovetti’s 9%
Best Italian
Luciano 28%, Macaroni Grill 23%, Olive
Garden 20%
Best Asian
Surin of Thailand 24%, Mikato 16%, Thai
Garden 10%
Best Breakfast
Cracker Barrel 16%, Waffle House 14%,
Mullin’s 7%, Atlanta Bread Co. 7%, Shoney’s
7%
Best Coffee House
Olde Towne Coffee 28%, Kaffeeklatsch 21%,
Seattle South 15%
Best Desserts
801 Franklin 29%, Ol Heidelburg 7%, Pauli’s
Bar & Grill 6%
Best Pizza
Terry’s Pizza 28%, Big Ed’s Pizzeria 18%,
Donato’s 14%
Best Deli Sandwich
Stanlieo’s 35%, McAlister’s 13%, Subzone 8%
Best Wings
Beauregard’s 36%, Wings 24%, Zaxby’s 17%
Best Fries
Checker’s 16%, Chick-Fil-A 7%, Arby’s 5%,
The Corner 5%, Humphrey’s 5%, T-Birds 5%
Best Burger
Cheeburger Cheeburger 17%, Hardee’s 12%,
The Corner 10%
Best Seafood
801 Franklin 29%, Red Lobster 24%,
Copeland’s 13%
THE VALLEY PLANET
Best Steak
Pauli’s Chophouse 20%, Fogcutter 16%,
Outback Steakhouse 14%
Best Late-Night/Early-Morning
Waffle House 46%, IHOP 20%, Taco Bell 9%
Best Sunday Brunch
Jazz Factory 20%, Green Hills Grille 17%,
Hilton Hotel 15%
Best First-Date Restaurant
Pauli’s Bar & Grill 14%, 801 Franklin 12%,
Furniture Factory 6%
LIFE
Best Place to Spend an Afternoon
Monte Sano 31%, Big Spring Park 23%,
Green Mountain 9%
Best Place to Watch the Sun Rise
Monte Sano 50%, Lake Guntersville 11%,
Who’s up That Early? 7%
Best Park
Big Spring Park 44%, Monte Sano 28%,
Brahan Spring Park 8%
Best Place to Boat
Lake Guntersville 44%, Ditto Landing 31%,
Point Mallard 9%
Best Place to get Married
Burritt on the Mountain 33%, Huntsville
Botanical Garden 25%, Church 13%
Best Hotel
Huntsville Hilton 39%, Marriott Space Center
28%, Radisson 11%
Best Neighborhood
Five Points 48%, Twickenham 11%,
Blossomwood 4%
Best Reason to Live Here
Best of Small Town & Big City Life 21%, The
People 14%, Always Things to Do 4%
Worst Traffic
North Parkway 25%, Madison 19%, I-565 &
the Parkway 17%
DRINK
Best Bar Overall
Humphrey’s 24%, Furniture Factory 15%, The
Corner 13%
Coolest Bar
Furniture Factory 19%, Humphrey’s 14%,
Tavern Under the Square 10%
Best Bartender
Tess at The Corner 19%, Jennifer Martin 11%,
George Burt 11%, Nicole Sanders 10%
Best Place for a Beer
The Corner 14%, Furniture Factory 14%,
Ruggby’s 8%
Best Place for a Glass of Wine
801 Franklin 28%, Pauli’s Bar & Grill 14%,
Pauli’s Chophouse 14%, Jazz Factory 9%
#042204050504
Best Place for a Margarita
Rosie’s Mexican Cantina 28%, Pepito’s 12%,
Tia’s 6%
Best Place for a Martini
Jazz Factory 23%, Pauli’s Chophouse 15%,
Surin of Thailand 13%
Best Place for a Shot
Tavern Under the Square 21%, The Corner
19%, Furniture Factory 13%
Best Patio
Humphrey’s 38%, Furniture Factory 36%,
Hard Dock Café 8%
Best Meat Market
Humphrey’s 31%, Sammy T’s 19%, Furniture
Factory 8%
Best First-Date Bar
Jazz Factory 27%, Humphrey’s 19%,
Furniture Factory 10%
Best Dive Bar
Tip Top Café 15%, Ol’ Brewtahn 10%, Sports
Page 8%
Best Neighborhood Bar
The Corner 39%, Furniture Factory 12%,
Kaffeeklatsch 7%
Best Happy Hour
Furniture Factory 18%, The Crossroads 8%,
The Corner 7%
Best Late-Night Bar
Visions 16%, Tavern Under the Square 15%,
Humphrey’s 13%
Best Sports Bar
Wings 33%, Benchwarmer 20%, Third Base
Grill 8%
Best Place to Watch an Alabama or Auburn Game
Wings 20%, Benchwarmer 16%, Ruggby’s
9%, Third Base Grill 9%
Best Dance Floor
Sammy T’s 24%, 721 17%, The Crossroads 9%
ENTERTAINMENT
Best Place to Hear Live Music
The Crossroads 19%, Humphrey’s 16%,
Sammy T’s 14%
Best Band Overall
Toy Shop 18%, Eric Rhodes Band 15%, BlackEyed Susan 11%
Best Musician
Dave Anderson 22%, Jim Cavender 17%, Eric
Rhodes 14%, Andrew Sharpe 14%
Best Blues Band
Eric Rhodes Band 34%, Microwave Dave &
The Nukes 28%, Cross Cut 23%
Best Reggae Band
Reggae Mystics 50%, Island Soundzz 30%,
Mambo Gris Gris 20%
Best Rock Band
The Scratch Band 13% ,Toy Shop 12%, Black
Label 10%, Black-Eyed Susan 10%
Best Country Band
Duane Walker & The Desperados 27%, The
Land 25%, The Mersey Band 18%
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
Best Singer
Dave Anderson 17%, Eric Rhodes 11%, Tom
Cremeens 9%, Carla Russell 9%
Best Dance DJ
Danny C at Vinyl 57%, Chico at Benchwarmer
19%, Sammy T’s 11%
Best Place for Karaoke
Bobby G’s 25%, The Station 19%, Tunes 13%
Best Karaoke DJ
Willy Lorber 59%, Anita Lynn Palmer 21%,
Doc 11%
Best Place for Live Trivia
Third Base Grill 64%, Benchwarmer 23%,
Mollie Teal’s 9%
Best Place for NTN Trivia
Friday’s 48%, Wings 18%, The Corner 14%
Best Place for Darts
Ruggby’s 36%, Tavern Under the Square
18%, Finnegan’s 14%
Best Place for Pool
Jazz Factory 31%, Billiard Street Café 28%,
Sports Page 20%
Best Bowling Alley
Plamor 31%, Pin Palace 28%, Monarch 16%
Best Golf Course
Hampton Cove 39%, Ledges 17%, Huntsville
Municipal 11%
Favorite Local Sports Team
Tennessee Valley Vipers 25%, Huntsville
Stars 21%, Huntsville Channel Cats 21%,
Huntsville Flight 11%
SHOPPING
Best Art Gallery
Meridian Arts 29%, Signature Gallery 21%,
Huntsville Art League 14%
Best Gift Shop
Interior Market Place, Syah’s 15%, Nonesuch
15%, Lawrens 15%, Dream Maker 8%, Details
8%, Signature Gallery 8%, Zero Gravity 7%,
Best Wine Store
Wine Cellar 55%, BP Five Points 18%, Pauli’s
14%
Best Book Store
Shaver’s 22%, BAM 22%, B&N 22%
Best CD Store
Wherehouse 38%, Best Buy 19%, Sunburst
19%
Best Dry Cleaners
Wilson’s 37%, Five Points 21%, Red Hanger
5%
Best Antique Store
Bulldog 33%, West Station 25%, Firehouse
17%
Best Video Rental
Movie Gallery 50%, Blockbuster 21%, Hit
Videos 14%
Best Tattoo Studio
Magic Needles 29%, Ink City Tattoo 29%,
Wicked Tattoos 12%, Ink Spot 12%, Devotion
12%
23
LISTINGS
listings@valleyplanet.com
VP after a listing means that the wonderful people at that establishment were
kind enough to let us distribute the
VALLEY PLANET there! If you would like
to make your place all that, call us and
we’ll deliver a beautiful VALLEY PLANET
rack pronto! 256-858-6736
LAKE IDA
101 Lindsay Lane S., Athens, 256-232-2330. A
quaint restaurant on the edge of a beautiful,
small lake. Thursday nights feature “Acoustic
Songwriters Showcase.” VP
LE BISTRO DU SOLEIL
300 Franklin Street, Huntsville (Downtown on the
Square), 256-539-7777
LOGAN’S ROADHOUSE (2 Huntsville locations)
4249 Balmoral Drive, Huntsville, 256-881-0584
University Drive NW, Huntsvile VP
2315 Beltline SW, Decatur, 256-432-2746
MAGNOLIA RESTAURANT
2002 Gunter Ave., Guntersville, 256-582-0150
801 FRANKLIN
801 Franklin Street, Huntsville (Downtown by
Medical Center), 256-519-8019. Lunch: M-F 11-2,
Dinner: M-W 5-10 pm & Th-Sa 5 pm-1 am. Lounge
opens 4 pm M-F. Full Bar & Extensive Wine List.
www.801franklin.com VP
APPLEBEE’S (2 Huntsville locations)
3028 Memorial Pkwy SW, 256-881-8111
3150 Memorial Pkwy NW, 256-859-4200
302 Hughes Road, Madison, 256-772-3441
BEAUREGARD’S (3 Huntsville locations)
1851 University Dr. , 256-512-0074 VP
511 Jordan Lane, 256-837-2433 VP
975 Airport Rd. SW, 256-880-2131 VP
BENNIGAN’S
1009 Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-534-6141
Every day is St. Patrick’s Day at Bennigan’s
www.bennigans.com VP
BISTRO LA LUNA
Covenant Cove Lodge & Marina, 7001 ValMonte Drive, Guntersville, 256-582-0930
www.covenantcove.com VP
CAHOOTS
114 West Market Street, Fayetteville, TN.
931-433-1173. Dine in old jail cells.
CHILI’S (2 Huntsville locations)
4925 University Drive, 256-722-9620 VP
2740 Carl T. Jones, 256-882-1230
COPELAND’S
2004 Airport Road SW, Huntsville
256-650-3131 VP
D&L BISTRO
7500 SW Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville,
256-881-7244, located in Main St. South
Mon-Sat. Lunch & Dinner. VP
H U N T S V I L L E
DECADENCE RESTAURANT & BAR
3131 University Drive, Huntsville, 256-539-2442
Wednesday -Saturday 4pm - Midnight. Live music
Friday & Saturday.
www.theentertainmentcomplexhsv.com VP
THE DOCKS
Goosepond Colony, 417 Ed Hembree,
Scottsboro, (256) 574-3071. Casual Fine Dining
Restaurant & Bar on the banks of the Tennessee
River. Free live entertainment on weekends. VP
EDEN’S EAST
2413-B Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-721-9491
Vegetarian fare, M-Thu: 11am-6 pm; Fri: 11am-3pm
PAULI’S BAR & GRILL
7143-C Hwy 72 W, Huntsville (corner of Slaughter
Road & Hwy 72), 256-722-2080. Full Bar &
Extensive Wine List. Reservations Suggested.
www.paulisbarandgrill.com VP
PAULI’S CHOPHOUSE
109 Washington Street, Huntsville (Downtown,
corner of Clinton and Washington), 256-7045555. M-Th 5 – 10 pm, F-Sat 5 – 11 pm, Sun 11
am – 2 pm. Full Bar & Extensive Wine Selection.
www.washingtonsq.com/chophouse.htm VP
PILOT HOUSE RESTAURANT
200 South Main St., Tuscumbia, 256-389-9551
Sun-Thur: 11 a.m. - 10 p.m. Fri-Sat: 11 a.m. - 11 p.m.
PRINCETON’S CEDAR MILL GRILLE
Alabama Famous Chicken Tenders, Hickory
Smoked Baby Back Ribs. In the Lounge, LIVE
MUSIC Tu-Fr night, Monday Night Football. VP
TGI FRIDAY’S
4935 University Drive NW, Huntsville
256-830-2793, www.tgifridays.com
TOP O’ THE RIVER
7004 Val-Monte, Guntersville, 256-582-4567
WEST END GRILL
6610 Old Madison Pike, Huntsville, 256-722-8040.
Steaks, chicken and seafood. VP
WILD FLOUR BISTRO
600 Jordan Lane NW, Huntsville (shopping center,
corner of Holmes and Jordan). 256-536-0939. VP
WINGS SPORTS GRILLE
4250 Balmoral Dr. SW, Huntsville, 256-881-8878.
www.wingssportsgrille.com VP
ALABAMA BREAD COMPANY
975 Airport Rd., Huntsville, 256-882-2010.
CAFE DOMAIN
6585 Hwy 431 S, Ste. C, Huntsville, 256-519-2323.
Coffee Hotspot. Specialty coffees, sandwiches,
salads, desserts. VP
COTTON ROW MARKET
109 Washington Street, Huntsville, 256-704-5555.
(breakfast & lunch). www.washingtonsq.com/
cottonrow.htm
GREEN DOOR BOOKS
121 S. Marion St, Athens, 256-216-1005, Books,
Coffee, Music and More. The coolest little book
store in Athens. Live music Friday nights. VP
JAMO’S CAFÉ
413 Jordan Lane NW, Huntsville, 256-837-7880.
Mediterranean Fare, Sandwiches & Specialty
Coffees. Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. VP
FURNITURE FACTORY BAR & GRILL
619 Meridian Street N, Huntsville (just north of
Downtown), 256-539-8001. Live music on the
patio. SEE CALENDAR for details. VP
JAVA JAAY CAFE
1713 6th Ave. SE, Decatur, 256-351-8555.
Espresso, Mocha, Coffee, Freezes, Smoothies,
Sandwiches & Baked goods. M-Th: 6am-6pm. Fri:
6am-7pm. Sat: 8am-2pm. VP
THE GARLIC PRESS
2699 Sandlin Rd. SW, Decatur, 256-353-0007
KAFFEEKLATSCH
103 Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-536-7993. VP
GREEN HILLS GRILLE
5100 Sanderson Street NW, Huntsville (corner of
Wynn and University), 256-837-8282. VP
LAGNIAPPES COFFEE CAFE
119 East Moulton, Decatur
Coffee, Espresso, Bakery & Deli. VP
HUMPHREY’S BAR & GRILL
109 Washington Street, Huntsville (Downtown,
corner of Washington and Clinton), 256-704-5555.
11 am – 2 am everyday. Live music on the patio
– SEE CALENDAR for complete listing. VP
OLDE TOWNE COFFEE SHOPPE
511 Pratt Ave NE, Huntsville, 256-539-5399 VP
JAZZ FACTORY
109 North Side Square, Huntsville (Downtown on
the Square), 256-539-1919. Live Music, Full Bar &
Extensive Wine List.
THE WILD ROSE CAFE’
121 North Side Square, Huntsville, 256-539-3658
SEATTLE SOUTH
2113 Whitesburg Drive S, Huntsville,(Whitesburg
Medical District), 256-534-0513 VP
WEST SIDE COFFEE PLACE & CAFE
2699B Sandlin Rd., SW, Decatur, 256-353-2025
continued on next page
24
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
THE VALLEY PLANET
PO BOY FACTORY
815 Andrew Jackson Way, Huntsville (in Five
Points) 256-539-3616. VP
TIM’S CAJUN KITCHEN
114 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-533-7589. VP
PAPOU’S
110 South Side Square, Huntsville, 256-534-5553.
TERRY’S PIZZA (3 Huntsville locations)
9034 Memorial Pkwy S, 256-881-5987
3612 Governors Dr, 256-536-3389 and
2514 Memorial Pkwy N, 256-539-3467
ZAXBY’S
1025 Memorial Pkwy NW, HSV, 256-551-0122
100 Ivory Pl, Madison, 256-461-0026
BB PERRINS
608 Holly St, NE, Decatur, 256-355-0980
DREAMLAND
3855 University Dr., Huntsville 256-539-7427 VP
BELLACINO’S PIZZA & GRINDERS (2 locations)
4851 Whitesburg Dr, 256-880-8656 VP
8572 Madison Blvd, Madison, 256-774-1918 VP
BIG ED’S PIZZERIA
721 Clinton Avenue, Huntsville, 256-536-2872
McALISTER’S DELI (2 Huntsville locations) VP
4800 Whitesburg Drive S, 256-880-1557 and
1480 Perimeter Pkwy, 256-425-0034. Appetizers,
Salads, Sandwiches, Spuds & Desserts. Kid’s Menu.
Pauli's isn't
GIBSON BARBECUE (3 Huntsville locations)
3319 Memorial Pkwy., Huntsville, 256-881-4851
8412 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville, 256-882-0841
735 Hwy 72 E, Huntsville, 256-852-9882
1715 6th Ave., SE, Decatur, 256-350-6969
We just
taste like it.
GREG’S PIT-STOP BBQ
Hwy 231, Park City, TN 931-433-3570, So Tender &
Juicy...No Teeth Required! Dine in or Carry Out.
10 am - 7 pm, Mon - Sat.
MERIDIANVILLE BAR-B-QUE
11537 Hwy. 231N., Meridianville, 256-828-3725
ROCKABILLY’S SMOKEHOUSE GRILL
255 Pratt Ave., Huntsville, 256-489-1831 VP
ALABAMA ROADHOUSE VP
BLUE PLATE CAFE VP
3210 Governors Drive, Huntsville, 256-533-8808
G’S COUNTRY KITCHEN
2501 Oakwood Dr., Huntsville, 256-533-3034
ROLO’S CAFE
505 Airport Rd., Huntsville, 256-883-7656
COMING SOON!
NEW YORK PIZZA COMPANY
DOWNTOWN HUNTSVILLE
SCHLOTZSKY’S DELI (4 Huntsville locations)
2835 Memorial Pkwy NW, 256-852-4088 VP
4319 University Drive NW, 256-830-6400
3417 Memorial Pkwy SW, 256-881-3354
11120 Memorial Pkwy SW, 256-650-6300
8969 Hwy. 20, Madison, 256-464-5300
STANLIEO’S SUB VILLA (2 Huntsville locations)
605 Jordan Lane, 256-837-7220 VP
602 Governors Drive, 256-536-6585 VP
THE VALLEY PLANET
TROTTER’S
3021 Thornton Taylor Pkwy., Fayetteville, TN
(inside Best Western Hotel) 931-433-3871 VP
7143 Hwy 72 West
BANDITO BURRITO (2 locations) VP
3017 Governors Dr SW, Huntsville, 256-534-0866
208 Main St., Madison, 256-461-8999
Reservations Suggested
256.722.2080
www.paulisbarandgrill.com
continued on page 27
#042204050504
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
25
Shallow
Hal and Average Joe
by Allison Gregg
I was among friends when “Average
Joe: Adam Returns” came to an end,
with Adam picking the beauty over the
brains, the sexy over the substance. While
the crowd disagreed with his decision
by yelling out at the TV set, Rachel
(the substance) held it together as the
nation watched her climb on the bus to
head home. Meanwhile, on the private
jet, Samantha (the sexy) sat, pleased as
punch.
The dislike for her wasn’t divided
among the sexes. None of us liked her
— and neither did Adam’s parents. We
picked on her dog, her clothes and her
over-application of eyeliner. I especially
disliked her nostrils. The moment she
became the “winner,” everyone decided
that Adam made a bad decision.
Each series of this reality show has ended
the same — the eligible bachelorette
or bachelor having to choose between
pretty people and pretty average people.
The pretty people always came out on
top. While the pickers said they wanted
a good person, with a good personality,
the winner typically didn’t fit that
description.
26
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
Don’t think it’s just reality TV “stars”
who opt for looks and lust. Ask almost
any person what they’re looking for in a
prospective mate, and chances are they’ll
rattle off the expected traits: nice, funny,
independent, and no criminal record or
communicable disease. But quietly, aren’t
we all really thinking:
I’d like you to be someone who’s hot
enough to make my friends jealous, but
not so hot that people wonder what you’re
doing with me. I’d enjoy being with
someone who’s rich or has the potential to
be rich. I want you to spend money on me,
send me flowers and take me on vacation!
I’d prefer you to be emotionally stable.
I don’t want to hear about your family
troubles, so if you could get those cleared
up before we get this relationship off the
ground, it’d be greatly appreciated. Also,
the same goes for exes. Actually, if you
could, wait for me, so no one else has
the chance to taint your sense of self. I’d
really like it if you had a smooth ride, not
a broken down jalopy you’re still paying
off. I’d be thrilled if you laughed your ass
off at my jokes. I’d also like it if you didn’t
make me feel dumb, inferior, fat, too smart
or unwanted.
THE VALLEY PLANET
Long ago when marriages were arranged,
did brides- and grooms-to-be have a
checklist of requirements? Of course
not! Back then, parents would trade a
cow, a plot of land and some gold coins
to seal the deal. One of the most difficult
decisions was made for the young couple.
They didn’t have to go through the joys of
dating. It didn’t matter if he belonged to
a different political party, was a different
religion, picked his toes in the living
room while watching TV, or had a string
of annoying habits. The couple’s lives got
that much easier by not having to pound
the pavement in hopes of finding true
love. These days the heavens and earth
have to move to make a match.
Imagine that you had the opportunity
to either choose what your life partner
looked like or what their personality
was. The grown up part of you would
go for the personality. The innate part
of you might pick a person to whom you
were immediately attracted. Six packs
eventually go soft and firm posteriors
eventually go south. The core of a person
never changes.
Yes, we are a world of Shallow Hals in
Average Joe clothing. I understand why
Adam picked the beauty — most of us
would do the same thing. He’s just more
honest than the rest of us. More often than
not, our hormones dictate our choices in
dating. Our heart holds on tight during
the ride. The brain knows better than to
get involved. Do all three ever come to
a consensus? If so, let me know how you
orchestrate such a coup.
Until I understand how that happens, this
Average Jane will continue to root for the
underdogs. Not because I want them to
walk away winners or because they had
the courage to go on national television
and make out in a hot tub, but because
they were brave enough to give it a shot.
That makes them winners in my book.
Allison Gregg is an
eternal optimist who has
never had it so good.
Email Allison at
allison.gregg@
valleyplanet.com.
Or join us on the
Planet’s forums at
www.valleyplanet.com
LISTINGSLISTINGSLISTINGSLISTINGSLISTINGSLISTINGSLISTINGSLISTINGSLISTINGSLISTINGS
LISTINGS
OL HEIDELBERG CAFÉ
6125 University Drive NW E14 Huntsville,
(shopping center next to Rosie’s), 256-992-0556.
MIKATO JAPANESE STEAK HOUSE & LOUNGE
4061 Independence Dr. NW, Huntsville, (one block
N. of University on Jordan Ln.), 256-830-1700.
continued from page 25
CASA BLANCA MEXICAN RESTAURANT
(4 locations) VP
7830 Hwy 72 W, Ste 230, Madison 256-864-0360
140 Browns Ferry Rd, Madison 256-464-6044
7900 Bailey Cove Rd, Huntsville 256-883-4447
1802 Hwy 72 E, Ste D, Athens 256-771-0130
EL MARIACHI (3 locations)
14450 Hwy 231/431 N Hazel Green, 256-828-1466
1836 Winchester Road, Huntsville 256-851-7255
7193 Hwy 72 W, Madison, 256-890-0900
EL PALACI
2008 Memorial Pkwy SW, Huntsville 256-539-6075
GUADALAJARA MEXICAN RESTAURANTS
11208 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville VP
256-882-7311 &
8572 Madison Blvd, 256-774-1401
LITTLE ROSIE’S TAQUERIA
4781 Whitesburg Dr S, Huntsville, 256-882-0014
QDOBA MEXICAN GRILL
4800 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville 256-489-1367
ROSIE’S MEXICAN CANTINA
(2 Huntsville locations)
6125 University Drive, 256-922-1001
7540 S. Memorial Pkwy, 256-382-3232
Mon–Sat. Lunch & Dinner.
TIA’S TEX-MEX
2003 Drake Ave. SW, Huntsville, 256-881-6868
ITALIAN PIE
5000 Whitesburg Dr, Huntsville, 256-883-9112
501 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-895-9199 VP
MIKAWA RESTAURANT
1010 Heathland Dr, Huntsville, 256-837-7440.
Authentic Japanese Restaurant.
11th FRAME BAR
Madison Bowling Center. 8661 Hwy 72 W, Madison
256-722-0015. Live Music Fri & Sat. VP
NIKKO JAPANESE RESTAURANT
6565 Hwy. 431, Hampton Cove, 256-536-3690 VP
ALABAMA ROADHOUSE
Lunch & Dinner. Live Music Thurs-Sat.
SHO GUN JAPANESE STEAK & SUSHI BAR
3991 University Drive, Huntsville, 256-534-3000.
Hibachi Tables & Sushi Bar.
ALLEN’S GRILLE & GROG
9076 Madison Blvd, Madison, 256-772-8514. VP
SURIN OF THAILAND
975 Airport Rd SW, Huntsville, 256-213-9866
THAI GARDEN RESTAURANT VP
800 Wellman Ave. NE, Huntsville, 256-534-0122
CHINA MOON VP
11700 S Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-880-2626
Take Out or Eat In. Open 7 days.
Lunch Buffet Mon - Sat.
BILLIARD STREET CAFE’
Pool tables, full menu. VP
CHIPS & SALSA CANTINA
10300 Bailey Cove Rd SE Huntsville, 256-880-1202.
Full Mexican menu, dart tournaments. VP
CLUB MIRAGE
4701 Meridian Street, Huntsville, 256-851-2920.
Chicken, steak, pasta and seafood.
#042204050504
THE CORNER GRILL & PUB
10300 Bailey Cove Road SE, 256-880-2103.
(OPENING SOON)
129-A Old Highway 431,Hampton Cove
Burgers, steaks & sandwiches. Great food, live
entertainment nightly. Great neighborhood
atmosphere. VP
EMBER CLUB VP
10131 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-882-1670.
Live Music.
THE END ZONE
Sandwiches, steaks, and ribs. 22 TVs, 8 Satellites.
Lunch & Dinner every day. VP
COMING SOON!
BLACK WATER HATTIE’S
Memorial Pkwy S
BLUE PARROT MARTINI & CIGAR LOUNGE
7001 Val-Monte Drive, Covenant Cove Resort,
Guntersville, 256-582-0930. Happy Hour,
Tu-Thr 4-7pm. Great drinks and a walk-in
humidor! Live Music, see calendar for details.
www.covenantcove.com/parrot.htm VP
DEUTSCHE KUCHE
418 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-534-4807.
Authentic German Foods & Beverages. VP
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL
200 Q Oakwood Ave., Huntsville, 256-536-1150
Formerly Zesto’s in Five Points. Appetizers,
sandwiches & more. Karaoke & Live Music VP
THE DUGOUT SPORTS BAR VP
1550 6th Ave., Decatur, 256-340-0202
JOY LUCK RESTAURANT VP
3782 University Dr. NW, Huntsville, 256-536-7100
BIERGARTEN CAFÉ VP
3810 Wall Triana Hwy, Madison, 256-772-0511
SUNDAY NIGHT RESTAURANT
APPRECIATION NIGHT
THE CROSSROADS VP
721 Clinton Ave, Huntsville, 256-533-3393. Live
Music 7 nights. www.crossroadsmusic.biz
JADE PALACE VP
4925 University Drive NW, Huntsville,
256-536-7100
VILLA FIORE VP
11505 S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-881-7746
THE VALLEY PLANET
BENCHWARMER FOOD & SPIRITS
2998 University Drive, Huntsville 256-539-6268.
Lunch buffet, steaks, sandwiches. Live music, 12 ft.
TV screen, 7 big screens, 22 TVs. NASCAR Sundays,
Dart Tourneys (plastic & steel), Thursdays College
Night w/DJ. Open 7 days 10 am to 2 am. Dinner
nightly. www.benchwarmersportsbar.com. VP
DING HOW II
4800 Whitesburg Dr., Huntsville, 256-880-8883
ROMANO’S MACARONI GRILL
5901 University Drive, Huntsville, 256-722-4770
EDO JAPANESE RESTAURANT
104 N. Intercom Drive, Madison, 256-772-0360
BROILER STEAK & SEAFOOD
7908 Memorial Parkway S, Huntsville
256-880-2525. Fri & Sat nights Karaoke.
721
721 Clinton Avenue, Huntsville, 256-534-0721.
LUCIANO
964 Airport Road SW, Huntsville, 256-885-0505
RICATONI’S ITALIAN GRILL
107 N. Court St., Florence, 256-718-1002
HIBISCUS CARIBBEAN RESTAURANT VP
2105 Mastin Lake Road, Huntsville, 256-851-9262
THE BRICK DELI & TAVERN
209-A 2nd Ave. SE, Decatur
256-355-8318. Live Music VP
BOBBY G’S PLACE (2 Huntsville locations)
1009 Henderson Road, 256-837-4728 and 4070
Memorial Pkwy S, 256-880-2590. Steaks, seafood,
chicken and wings. Live music & Karaoke. VP
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
FINNEGAN’S PUB
VP
3310 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-881-9732
FURNITURE FACTORY BAR & GRILL
619 Meridian Street N, Huntsville (just north of
Downtown), 256-539-8001. Live music on the
patio. SEE CALENDAR for details. VP
27
Letters To The Planet
continued from page 5
There is nothing more fun for us than getting your letters and
emails. PLEASE keep sending them in. We may not print them
all, but we’ll try. Please send your comments to
opinions@valleyplanet.com. Thanks everybody!
I gotta silently scream whenever I see the bleached blond baby-fat chick outside the
neighborhood convenience store sporting midriff and unwashed tight ass jeans leering at me
over cheap sunglasses acting all stuck-up and chic even though the smell of cheap perfume
whiffs my nostrils almost covering up the smell of body odor smoking a cigarette while
leaning up next to a wrecked car borrowed from a friend who’s passed out from smoking
crank for three days while she talks trash on a cheap cell phone she just bought minutes for
showing too much cleavage in her pushup bra thinking it sexy because mom’s new boyfriend
leers at them while she cooks his supper of hot dogs and frozen fries bought with food
stamps and all washed down with milwaukee’s best because her mother is working second
shift to buy diapers for her baby a new tattoo for the boyfriend and just enough pills to keep
her buzzed up until the shift ends.
LISTINGS
continued from previous page
THE GOAL POST
NOW OPEN! 3305 Bob Wallace Ave, Huntsville,
256-489-0055. 11am-2am daily.
HARD DOCK CAFE´
3755 U.S. Hwy. 31, Decatur, 256-340-9234 VP
HALF TIME BAR AND GRILL
8873 Highway 72 W, Madison, 256-430-0266 VP
HOG WILD SALOON VP
HOOTERS
Wings, seafood and sandwiches. VP
HUMPHREY’S BAR & GRILL
109 Washington Square, Huntsville, 256-704-5555.
Beef, seafood, sandwiches. Come for the food
– Stay for the Fun. Best Patio in Huntsville. Happy
Hour every day 11 am – 6 pm. Live music every
night, no cover. Open 11 am – 2 am everyday. VP
JEMISON’S EATERY & PUB
350-A Market St. NE, Decatur, 256-351-0300. Open
from 10:30 am Mon-Sat. Sandwiches, Pizza, Salads,
Happy Hour: Mon - Fri, 3 pm - 6:30 pm. VP
KAFFEEKLATSCH BAR
103 Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-536-7993.
Live Music nightly. VP
Rasslin’ s Back, Rocket City Wrestling!
Dear Ricky:
I just finished reading your article “Unchained Maladies” – great job! I picked up my first copy
of Valley Planet at the Old Towne Coffee Shoppe a few weeks ago. I hadn’t realized we have
another thoughtful independent paper out there.
Warm Regards,
John F.
Dear Allison:
I just wanted to say thank you for what you said in your column (“You Can’t Do That”). Your
words really hit home involving a situation in my life and appreciate their wisdom.
Sincerely,
R.L.
To Karen Bertiger:
Please, keep these coming! It’s really great to read a new voice, and your perspective is
refreshing and very enjoyable. In fact, I wish I had a job to offer you…I’d even spring for the
Krispy Kremes. – M.S.
Your column was wonderfully funny and definitely describes behavior that many women can
relate to.  Continued success and I’m looking forward to more columns. – K.P.
3RD BASE GRILL
Great Food for Lunch and Dinner. Mondays $0.25
Wings, Tuesday Trivia, Live Music on Wednesday
& Thursday. Open Mic on Sunday w/Dart
Tournaments. Open 11 pm – 2 am, Mon–Sat, open
at noon on Sundays. VP
TIP TOP CAFÉ
123 1/2 Maple Street, Huntsville, 256-533-1527.
Karaoke and Pool tourney. VP
TUNES ULTIMATE KARAOKE BAR VP
WINGS SPORTS GRILLE
4250 Balmoral Dr. SW, Huntsville, 256-881-8878.
www.wingssportsgrille.com VP
5 POINTS GALLERY
401 Pratt Ave. NE, 256-539-9658
Custom Framing, Arts, Antiques VP
801 FRANKLIN
801 Franklin Street, Huntsville, (Downtown by
Medical Center), 256-519-8019. Dine with fine art.
www.801franklin.com. VP
THE MAIN OFFICE
Hwy 231/431, Hazel Green, 256-829-9100 VP
ATHENS ST. STUDENT UNION ART GALLERY
300 N. Beaty St., Athens, Athens State University,
800-522-0272 VP
MARTINI’S OF MADISON
Ramada Inn, 8716 Madison Blvd, Madison,
256-772-0701. VP
ARTISTIC IMAGES
2115 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville, 256-534-3968.
www.artisticimagesgallery.com VP
MOLLIE TEAL’S VP
99 Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-512-5858.
Live entertainment.
CAROLE FORET FINE ART
206 West Market St., Downtown Square, Athens
256-232-2521. www.caroleforet.com VP
MOODY MONDAY’S VP
718 Church St, Huntsville, 256-533-4005
DRAGONFLY GALLERY & DESIGN
125 Main Ave. S., Fayetteville, TN, 931-433-3024
MR. C’s TAVERN
1247 S. Mem Parkway, Huntsville, 256-882-6346.
Thur - Sat. Karoake, Pool Tables & Darts. VP
HUNTSVILLE ART LEAGUE GALLERY
3005 L&N Drive, Suite 2, Huntsville, 256-534-3860.
Monday-Saturday 10 am - 6 pm; Sunday 1-4 pm.
www.huntsvilleartleague.org. VP
NEIGHBORHOOD HOT SPOT SPORTS BAR &
CAFE
1407 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-489-5201. VP
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN
2704 Johnson Road, Huntsville, 256-880-3714. Live
entertainment. Sunday is NFL & Race Day. VP
OTTER’S
Marriott Hotel, 5 Tranquility Base, Huntsville
256-830-2222. VP
PEANUT FACTORY BAR & GRILL
903 Memorial Pkwy NW, Huntsville, 256-534-7092.
Burgers, sandwiches and steaks. VP
PLANET VINYL
115 Clinton Avenue, Huntsville, 256-533-9071.
Great Dance Party every Saturday night.
ROCKABILLY’S SMOKEHOUSE GRILL
255 Pratt Avenue, Huntsville, 256-489-1831.
BBQ, ribs, chicken & burgers. VP
RUGGBY’S
Deli sandwiches, TVs, darts. VP
SAMMY T’S MUSIC HALL
116 Washington Street, 256-539-9974.
Best Live Music in Huntsville Thu – Sat. Open
6 pm – 2 am. Now open on Wednesdays.
www.sammytsplace.com VP
THE SHACK
105 Swancott Road, Triana 256-461-0227. The bar
that never closes! Live music Friday & Saturday.
SPORTS PAGE LOUNGE & DELI VP
Plate lunches, deli sandwiches. Live entertainment
THE STATION
8694 Madison Blvd., Madison, 256-325-1333. Live
entertainment. Lunch specials. Happy Hour 3 – 8
pm. Open 7 days a week 11 am – 2 am. VP
STEVE’S BILLIARDS & LOUNGE
2322 Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-539-8919.
TABU
7200 Governors West, Huntsville
www.theentertainmentcomplexhsv.com
T-BIRDS CAFE
1792 Hwy. 72 East, Huntsville, 256-852-9191.
Wings, burgers, live music, karaoke, team trivia. VP
UPSCALE
2021 Golf Rd, Huntsville, 256-881-8820
Dining & entertainment complex. Huntsville’s only
open-minded night spot. www.clubupscale.com
Da silent screamer
28
TAVERN UNDER THE SQUARE
110 South Side Square, Huntsville, 256-534-3033.
Open Mon–Fri 3:30 pm – 2 am, Saturday & Sunday
5 pm – 2 am. Live music Tue–Sun. VP
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
HUNTSVILLE MUSEUM OF ART
300 Church Street So. in Big Spring International
Park, Huntsville. Gen. admission fee is $7 for nonmembers. Discounts for seniors over 60, military,
students with a valid ID, and groups of 10 or more.
Admission is half-price for non-members on Thurs
nights. Members & children <6 free. Hours 1-5pm.
Sunday; 10am-5pm. Mon-Sat; extended hours on
Th 5-8 pm. Call 256-535-4350 or 1-800-786-9095,
or visit www.hsvmuseum.org. VP
LADAGE ARTISTRY
321 S. Jefferson, Athens,256-216-0039. Original
artwork by national artisits. Tue-Sat, 9 am-7 pm.
http://ladage.dews.net. VP
MERIDIAN ARTS (2 locations)
305-A Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-534-7475.
M-F: 10 am – 6 pm, Sat: 10 am – 4pm; and
370 Little Cove Road, Gurley, AL, 256-7764300. Tu-F: 10 am – 6 pm, Sat: 10 am – 4 pm.
www.Meridianarts.net. VP
MONDO DE TATUAGE GALLERY
Corner of 6th Ave. and 7th St., Decatur
256-306-9099. Fine art with a lowbrow twist. Features original works and prints by local, regional
and national artists, with a slant toward tattoorelated works and fine art created by tattoo artists.
Submission inquiries welcome. Open Noon till 10
p.m., Tue-Sat. Located inside Ink City Tattoo. VP
MVAC FINE ARTS GALLERY
300 Gunter Ave.,Guntersville, 256-582-1454.
Hours: Mon-Fri 9-4, Sat 10-3.
http://mountainvalleyartscouncil.org VP
SIGNATURE GALLERY
2364 Whitesburg Drive S, Huntsville,
256-536-1960. VP
TWO FEATHERS NATIVE AMERICAN GALLERY
7529-A S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-8820078. Native American Arts & Gifts. “Walking the
Path of our People” VP
THE VALLEY PLANET
LISTINGS
HAVEN: COMICS, ETC.
7185-H Highway 72 W., Madison, 256-430-0505
www.havencomics.com VP
continued from previous page
FLYING MONKEY ARTS CENTER
1230 Putman Drive, Huntsville, 256-489-7000
Flying Monkey Arts Center is a not for profit
community arts collective that encourages,
supports and promotes the arts.
www.flyingmonkeyarts.org VP
UNIVERSITY CENTER ART GALLERY
University of Alabama in Huntsville, 256-824-1000
HUNTSVILLE BALLET COMPANY
800 Regal Drive SW, Huntsville, 256-539-0961
HOT ROD TATTOOS
310 Governors Dr SW, Huntsville, 256-534-0221 VP
UPTOWN GALLERY
1220 South Memorial Parkway, Huntsville VP
256-880-2044. Custom framing, fine art, digital
imaging & photography. www.uptowngallery.com
HUNTSVILLE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA
North Side Von Braun Center, Huntsville
256-539-4818. VP
HUMIDOR PIPE SHOP
Cigars, Pipes, Pipe Tobacco, Lighters, Accessories,
Pipe Repair. M-F 10-6.
www.humidorpipeshop.com VP
WHITNEY DAVIDSON GALLERY
501 Church Street NW, Huntsville, 256-539-0063
WILLIS GRAY GALLERY
211 B Second Ave. SE, Decatur, 256-355-7616 VP
ALABAMA CONSTITUTION VILLAGE
109 Gates Ave., Huntsville, 256-564-8100. Open
daily, 9 am - 5 pm, except Sundays.
AMERICAN INDIAN MUSEUM
2003 Poole Drive NW, Huntsville, 256-852-4524.
www.american-indian-museum.com
BURRITT ON THE MOUNTAIN: A LIVING
MUSEUM
3101 Burritt Drive SE, Huntsville, 256-536-2882.
Winter Hours: Nov. - Mar. , Tue - Sat. 10 am - 4 pm,
Sun. Noon - 4 pm. Regular Adm. fee is $5 adult,
$4 senior, military & students, $3 child (children
under 2, free). www.burrittmuseum.com
CHANNEL CATS
700 Monroe St., Von Braun Civic Center, Huntsville,
256-533-1953, Professional hockey, Atlantic Coast
Hockey League
CLAY HOUSE MUSEUM
16 Main Street, Madison 256-325-1018. Tour this
antebellum home with “A Walk Through Time”, 100
years of decorative style from 1850 - 1950 featuring Noritake Porcelain.
COVENANT COVE RESORT & MARINA
7001 Val-Monte Drive, Guntersville
256-582-1000 or 888-288-COVE. Home of Blue
Parrot Martini & Cigar Lounge, Bistro La Luna &
Wake Factory. www.covenantcove.com VP
EARLYWORKS MUSEUM COMPLEX
404 Madison Street SE, Huntsville, 256-564-8100.
HARRISON BROTHERS HARDWARE
124 Southside Square, Huntsville, 256-536-3631.
Alabama’s oldest hardware store.
HUNTSVILLE BOTANICAL GARDEN
4747 Bob Wallace Avenue, Huntsville,
256-830-4447. www.hsvbg.org.
HUNTSVILLE FLIGHT
700 Monroe St., Von Braun Civic Center, Huntsville,
256-533-1953. National Basketball Development
League
GORHAM’S BLUFF
Pisgah, 256-451-ARTS. The Gorham’s Bluff
Institute is a non-profit organization dedicated to
providing arts and cultural activities to Jackson
County and Northeast Alabama.
THE LAND TRUST TRAILS
Bankhead Pkwy., Huntsville, 256-534-LAND
Year-round hiking on 547 acres of Monte Sano
preserve. www.landtrust-hsv.org
MONTE SANO STATE PARK
5015 Nolen Ave., Huntsville, 256-534-3757
SCI-QUEST
102-D Wynn Drive, Huntsville, 256-837-0606.
An exciting hands-on science center.
www.sci-quest.org
TENNESSEE VALLEY VIPERS
Arena Football, American Conference Southern
Division Champs. 700 Monroe St, Huntsville, VBC,
256-551-3240. www.vipersaf2.com
US SPACE & ROCKET CENTER
1 Tranquility Base, Huntsville, 256-837-3400. Open
9am-5pm year round except for Thanksgiving,
Christmas Eve and Day, and New Year’s Eve and
Day. Admissions: Museum only – Adults $12 &
Child 3-12 $8, www.spacecamp.com
HIT VIDEOS & COLLECTIBLES
515 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-830-6654 VP
LOWE MILL
2211 Seminole Dr., Huntsville, Art, Music, Film and
Poetry. See Calendar for Event Dates
RENAISSANCE THEATRE AT LINCOLN CENTER
1214 Meridian Street N, Huntsville, 256-536-3434.
www.renaissancetheatre.net
INK CITY TATTOOS
Corner of 6th Ave. and 7th St., Decatur, 256-3069099. Expert Tattooing, Exotic Piercing, Body
Jewelry, Tattoo Collectibles. Fall/Winter Hours:
Noon-10 pm. Tues-Sat. www.inkcitytattoo.com VP
THEATRE HUNTSVILLE
Business Office. 1701 University Dr, Suite 1,
Huntsville, 256-536-0807. www.theatrehsv.org.
INTERIOR MARKETPLACE
Hwy. 431, Hampton Cove, Huntsville,
256-539-9113 VP
IT’S JUST LUNCH
256-519-3600. Dating for Busy Professionals
CARMIKE CINEMAS
1359 Old Monrovia Road, Huntsville,
256-430-0770. VP
607 Fourteenth Street, Decatur, 256-350-0935
www.carmike.com. VP
MADISON BOWLING CENTER
8661 Hwy 72 W, Madison, 256-722-0015. VP
5 POINTS BEVERAGE
805 Wellman Ave, Huntsville, 256-536-8751. Wine,
Imported Beer, Adult Magazines.
MAIN STREET SOUTH
7500 Memorial Pkwy SW, Huntsville. Pick up the
Valley Planet inside, under the clock tower. VP
NAUGHTY & SPICE
7914 S. Memorial Pkwy, Ste E-14, Huntsville (The
Village Center), 256-880-4884. We cater to all your
romance needs.
ALBANY FRAMING
211 B Second Ave. SE, Suite B, Decatur
256-355-7226 VP
NEW HORIZONS COMPUTER
LEARNING CENTER
620 Discovery Dr, Huntsville, 256-722-0211.
www.newhorizons.com
BARNES & NOBLE BOOKSELLERS
5850 University Dr, 256-864-2090 and
2750 Carl T Jones SE, 256-885-0501 VP
THE BIG TEASE Hair and Tanning Salons
11203 Memorial Pkwy. Huntsville, 256-882-7419
401 #1 Hughes Rd, Madison, 256-464-5321 VP
CALLIE ALLIE’S
2358 Whitesburg Drive S, Huntsville VP
256-536-7467. Home Design, Accessories & Gifts.
CASUAL CORNER/AUGUST MAX/
PETITE SOPHISTICATE
2801 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville. 256-533-0980
JULIA CARTER
Licensed Massage Therapist. Huntsville,
By appointment. 256-536-2164.
NONESUCH GIFTS
1230 Putman Drive, Huntsville, Now located in
Flying Monkey Arts Center. A gift shop for openminded people. Celebrating the diversity of cultures and lifestyles. www.nonesuchgifts.com VP
PAULI’S GOURMET FOOD & WINE CO.
7143-D Hwy. 72 W, Huntsville, 256-722-0071 VP
SMOKIN LEATHER
7845 Hwy. 72 W, Madison, 256-325-7433
For the real biker. Road Gear, Street Wear, Chrome
and Accessories. www.smokinleather.com VP
PEARLY GATES NATURAL FOODS
2308 Memorial Pkwy., Huntsville, 256-534-6233
COTTAGE CRAFTS, FRAMES, INC.
10300 Bailey Cove Road., Suite 12, Huntsville
256-880-8059
PLEASURES (2 locations)
4925 University Dr NW, Huntsville, 256-830-0069
14th & Central Pkwy, Decatur, 256-584-0069. One
stop romance shop. www.mypleasurestore.com
PRISM SPORTS THERAPY VP
4715 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville, 256-880-7776
THE FRET SHOP
309 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-430-4729. Guitar,
Banjo, Mandolin, Sales, Instruction and Repair.
www.thefretshop.com. VP
GARDEN COVE PRODUCE CENTER
628 Meridian St., Huntsville, 256-534-2683 or
888-615-8657. Fresh produce delivered year
round. www.gardencoveproduce.com
GARDEN OF HEALTH
Slender quest body wraps, auricular therapy, relaxation & therapeutic massage, herbal & nutritional
supplements, bath & body products.
BROADWAY THEATRE LEAGUE
700 Monroe St. Suite 410, Huntsville
(all performances held at Von Braun Center)
256-518-6155. www.btleague.org
GREEN DOOR BOOKS
121 South Marion Street, Athens, 256-216-1005
Books, Coffee, Music & More. VP
HDK ENTERTAINMENT
North Alabama & Southern TN Premier Mobile
DJ/Karaoke Service. 256-509-2498
#042204050504
SOBE COUTURE
7500 Memorial Pkwy. S., Main St. S. Shopping
Center, Huntsville, 256-880-0970. VP
SOUND ON WHEELS
2807 University Dr., Huntsville, 256-533-9422 VP
PHOENIX EMERGENCY CARE
Marshall B. Plotka, MD, MPP, FAAEM
7105-B Bailey Creek Circle, Huntsville
256-882-7469
THE DREAM MAKER
11220 S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-883-8446.
Promoting Harmony & Health through Nature. VP
SHAVER’S BOOK STORE
2362 Whitesburg Dr, Huntsville, 256-536-1604 VP
SHERWOOD VIDEO VP
6210 Old Madison Pike, Huntsville, 256-830-0510
CHANDLER WHETHAM SALON & DAY SPA
7900 Bailey Cove Road, Ste. 7A, Huntsville
256-881-9573, 256-881-4980 VP
DISCOUNT JEWELRY & REPAIR
11203 Memorial Pkwy SW, Huntsville,
256-882-7409.
SALON SALON
7525-A S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville
256-880-2466. Waxing & Facials, Hair, Nails
(manicures & pedicures), Tanning, Full Retail
Center. M-F 9-5, Sat 9-1. VP
PATTY’S HEARSE
A Formal Party Coach for Hire. Huntsville,
256-457-6278. email pattyshearse@aol.com.
PERMANENT COSMETIC MAKE-UP CENTER
Hwy 31 N, Hartselle, 256-621-0299
VON BRAUN CENTER
700 Monroe St. Huntsville, 256-533-1953. Check
calendar for events. www.vonbrauncenter.com VP
THE VALLEY PLANET
MAC RESOURCE
1570 The Boardwalk, Huntsville, 256-721-1700.
Apple Computer Specialist.
www.macresource-al.com
ACME DATING
Meet North Alabama Singles
256-382-6072
THE WEEDEN HOUSE
300 Gates Avenue SE, Huntsville, 256-536-7718
FANTASY PLAYHOUSE CHILDREN’S THEATRE
3312 Long Avenue SW, Huntsville, 256-539-6829
LADAGE ARTISTRY
321 S. Jefferson, Athens,256-216-0039.
Hair Salon, Day Spa & Art Boutique. Tue-Sat,
9 am-7 pm. http://ladage.dews.net VP
PRO FITNESS
714 Madison St, Huntsville, 256-489-4348
The largest personal training studio in North
Alabama. www.profitness-anytime.com VP
PROFESSIONAL REVISIONS
1100 Jordan Lane, Suite D, Huntsville,
256-519-3555. Credit counseling and resume
services. www.professionalrevisions.com
SOUTHERLAND’S PHOTO
2357 Whitesburg Dr., Huntsville, 256-539-9627.
Black & White Photo Lab Services. Digital Photo
Restoration.
STRINGS ‘N’ BRASS
409 Pratt Ave, Huntsville, (across from Sonic)
256-533-9088. www.stringsnbrass.com VP
SUNBURST RECORDS
4001 Holmes Ave., Huntsville 256-830-8079 VP
TABETHA’S PLAYHOUSE VP
7900 Bailey Cove Road, Suite 44, Huntsville
256-883-6483. Children’s Clothing, Gifts. Featuring
Wimsy Wear.
QUEST PERSONALS
256-704-1100. Call, Click, Connect
www.questpersonals.com
TERRAMÉ DAY SPA & SALON
2115 Cecil Ashburn Drive, Huntsville, 256-3193003. Facials, Professional Makeup Services,
Massage Therapy, Aromatherapy Massage,
Hydrotherapy, Hair Salon, Nails, Waxing, The
Gentleman’s Club. www.terrame.com VP
RAILROAD BAZAAR (5 locations) VP
200 Oakwood Ave., Huntsville,256-536-1222
7950 Hwy. 72 W, Madison, 256-721-9303
936 US Hwy. 72, Athens, 256-216-9383
1801 Beltline, Decatur, 256-353-8121
WAKE FACTORY
7001 Val-Monte Drive, Covenant Cove Marina,
Guntersville, 256-582-1384. North Alabama’s premier board shop, offering wakeboard clinics and
demo days. www.wakefactory.com VP
RED JASPER SPA
211 A 2nd Ave. SE, Decatur, 256-584-0027
www.redjasperspa.com VP
WEST STATION ANTIQUES
112 Main Street, Madison, 256-772-0373.
565 to Exit 8 - Exit North to Main Street.
Hours: Tues-Sat 10-5. VP
ROBBINS MUSIC CENTER
2810 Bob Wallace Ave, Huntsville, 256-539-2474
1-800-569-6718. Mon-Sat 10-6, All instruments. All
lessons. www.robinsmusic.com VP
RUSTY STRING GUITARS
820 Bradley St., Decatur, 256-355-6011.
Specializing in used Guitars & Amps, Drumsets.
Only Hamer Dealer in North Alabama. VP
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
29
LEAD STORIES
-- A 2003 British documentary, “Fat Girls
and Feeders,” debuting on Australian TV
in April 2004, profiled an Arizona couple,
“Gina” (once one of the world’s largest
women) and her husband, “Mark” (who has
a sensual or psychological desire that she
be ever-larger). Because Gina is apparently
comfortable with her role, Mark is merely
an “enabler” in the “fat administration”
subculture, but more dominant men are
called “feeders,” who may even “grow” their
partners by pouring liquid fat down their
throats. Gina once weighed 825 pounds
(with a 92-inch waist), but had settled down
at around 400. The filmmaker’s point is said
to be that objectifying fat women is only
somewhat more offensive than objectifying
thin ones.
-- As the Romanian government hurries to
improve law-enforcement sophistication
in its campaign for European Union
membership, villagers in the Transylvania
region are resisting police crackdowns on
their traditional practice of vampire killings,
according to a March Knight Ridder News
Service report. Vampires (unlike Hollywood
conventions using crosses and garlic) are
just people who go bad upon death and
cause continuing grief to family members
unless they are re-killed. The body is dug
up; the heart is removed with a curved
sickle and burned (but it will likely squeak
like a mouse and try to escape unless held
down); and the ashes are mixed with water
and drunk. Villagers are outraged that some
may face criminal charges for disturbing
the dead, which carries a three-year prison
sentence.
Florida’s Unruly Seniors
In March, a 62-year-old man was ejected
from the Spring Haven Retirement
Community (Winter Haven, Fla.) after
he punched one resident (age 86) and
bit another (age 78) in a brawl over his
apparent habit of foraging at the communal
salad bar for his favorite kind of lettuce.
(His 80-year-old mother, also a resident,
conceded that “it did appear that he was
playing with the food.”) And in February
in Tamarac, Fla., the family of a 74-year-old
man who died in 2002 after being suckerpunched by a 69-year-old man in a theaterline fight, filed a lawsuit against the movie
house for not providing security, claiming
there had been several other theater-line
altercations between seniors.
The Sacred Institution of Marriage
(continued)
Saudi businessman Saleh al-Saiairi, 64, who
has been married to 58 women (but not
more than four at one time), announced
he would soon take two more brides and
was preparing to randomly select the two
current wives he would have to divorce
(March). And David Boyd announced as a
candidate for the Canadian Parliament, from
Halifax, on a platform of marriage reform,
specifically to permit same-sex, group and
human-android marriages (March).
America’s Worsening Gullibility Problem
-- A 73-year-old retired electronics specialist
30
sat for a long interview in December in
the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, patiently
explaining that the $300,000 nest egg
he had just lost on a familiar Nigerian
scam was really the fault of “corrupt
governments” and not the dishonesty of
his Nigerian “friends” who had no choice
but to ask him to pay ever-escalating
investment amounts. The man repeatedly
insisted that his “friends” couldn’t possibly
be scammers, but toward the end of the twohour interview, finally remembered that
they “never did really explain how they got
my name.”
-- Former Harvard professor Weldong Xu,
who was arrested in March for his alleged
scheme to bilk colleagues out of $600,000
to fund a bogus SARS research institute
in China, admitted to Boston police that
he spent part of the money on what the
detectives recognized as a traditional
Nigerian money-laundering scam, although
Xu aggressively insisted that it was a
legitimate deal. Said Detective Steve Blair,
“(The Harvard professor) never caught
on.”
-- Todd Lorin Nelson, a 13-year employee of
the Miami-Dade (Fla.) county clerk’s office,
was summoned for jury duty in April 2003,
reported to the courtroom, and was quickly
dismissed. However, according to police, he
repeatedly called his boss over the next few
months to say that he had been selected
as a juror for a big case but couldn’t talk
about it (all the while drawing his $35,000
government salary), and it was not until
October that the boss finally investigated,
resulting in Nelson’s arrest.
Recent Wisdom From Newspaper
Columnists
From a February “Ask Dr. (Peter) Gott”
column in the Herald News of suburban
Chicago: Reader: “(M)y grandson ... told
me that his fifth-grade teacher (a female)
instructed the class that hand-washing
(following urination in a public restroom)
is unnecessary; urine is sterile.” Dr. Gott:
“Bless your grandson’s teacher.” “As a
general rule, the urogenital area is cleaner
than most other body parts are, and it need
not be washed nor should hands be washed
after urinating.” “You and I, reader, are
the products of our upbringing. It’s time to
make a change.”
Recurring Themes
News of the Weird has reported twice on
incredibly long daily commutes to work (a
25-year U.S. Navy Department employee,
342 miles round trip from Trenton, N.J.,
to Washington, D.C., reported in 1992,
and a 39-year veteran rural West Virginia
newspaper carrier, 200 miles round trip,
reported in 1996). A January 2004 Boston
Globe profile of retirement-fund analyst
Stephen Jordan described his 340-mile
daily round trip from his farm in Augusta,
Maine, to his downtown Boston office, but
unlike the other two, who drove all the way,
Jordan drives only to Portland and takes a
train to Boston (on which he “get(s) a ton of
work done,” he said).
Unusual Murder Defenses
Raymond Rodriguez, 25, was found
not guilty in the murder of a 77-yearold drinking buddy after he testified to
having, at the crime scene, hallucinations
of bologna and cheese dancing around
in the refrigerator and, in the freezer, a
green man who told Rodriguez, “Catch me
if you can.” (San Antonio, December) And
Patrick Hutchinson was sent for a mental
exam in February after police in Lexington,
Ky., accused him of murdering his wife.
Hutchinson explained that she had been
taken over by aliens and that he (as one of
only 735 “true humans” left in Lexington,
out of 260,000 population) had to stop her,
using a weapon supplied by a cobra that was
speaking on behalf of God.
Send in the Snakes
Former judge Bob Sam Castleman and his
son pleaded guilty to mailing a poisonous
copperhead snake to a neighbor with
whom they were feuding (Pocahontas, Ark.,
January). And an Absa Bank Ltd. customer,
upset about a car loan, was charged with
setting five poisonous puff adder snakes
free in the bank’s lobby (resulting in one
worker being bitten) (Johannesburg, South
Africa, January).
No Longer Weird
Adding to the list of stories that were
formerly weird but which now occur with
such frequency that they must be retired
from circulation: (69) Drunk-driving
arrests of people who were leading public
campaigns against alcohol abuse, such as
Dr. James Billow, who resigned as director
of a county alcoholism prevention program
after being charged with DUI in February
in Newark, Ohio. And (70) the jewel thief
who ingeniously swallows gems at the
scene but who is then caught by police, who
must wait patiently for nature to take its
course so they can recover the evidence,
such as Kevin Lynch’s swallowing a 2-carat
diamond ring from a Salem, N.H., jewelry
store in February (which he passed two
days later).
Police Blotter
in Police Reports: From The Recorder,
Greenfield, Mass., Nov. 13, 2003: “A man
reported buying a car and when he went
to get into it with the intention of sleeping
in it, there were three people, including the
prior owner (a)lready sleeping inside the
car.” From The Leaf-Chronicle, Clarksville,
Tenn., Nov. 6, 2003, reporting the aborted
robbery of a convenience store by a man
who pulled a knife and demanded money
after he had already given the clerk his
credit card to pay for a purchase: “The
complainant (clerk) looked at the suspect
like he was crazy ... the suspect quickly
signed the sales receipt and left.”
Scenes of the Surreal
-- At a special Friday evening session of
the New Mexico House of Representatives
in February (on health insurance taxes),
Democratic leaders needed Rep. Bengie
Regensberg for a vote and sent state police
to retrieve him at the motel where he was
staying temporarily. Troopers reported
having to subdue and handcuff Regensberg,
who was naked, combative and “likely
intoxicated.” (Regensberg said the troopers
were too rough with him.)
-- In a December profile, The Washington
Post examined the breezy American
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
#042204050504
history curriculum being sold to schools
by presidential brother Neil Bush (more in
the news lately for his messy divorce). The
course’s premise is that future “huntergatherers” (i.e., rambunctious boys) don’t
have the patience to read and should
be taught by music, graphics and other
techniques. For instance, the Constitutional
Convention of 1787 is taught in a rap song,
“It was 55 delegates from 12 states/Took
one hot Philadelphia summer to create/A
perfect document for their imperfect times/
Franklin, Madison, Washington, a lot of the
cats/Who used to be in the Continental
Congress way back.”
Least Competent Criminals
A pickup truck driver was arrested by an
Indiana state trooper because its cargo was
blocking sight of the license plate in the
back window; on closer inspection, the cargo
was revealed to be 900 pounds of marijuana
(Indianapolis, March). And in Lafayette,
Ind., Joshua K. Kochell, 27, was charged
with robbing two gas stations; his probation
officer was able to track his whereabouts
precisely that evening because Kochell was
still wearing an electronic monitor from a
2001 sentence for theft (March).
More Things to Worry About
-- More third-world visitors arrived at
Western airports illegally carrying in their
luggage indigenous meats destined for
family festivals. A 48-year-old woman from
Gambia was arrested at Gatwick airport in
England with 13 pounds of goat and snail
meat and 172 pounds of catfish (March),
and at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport,
a whole smoked monkey was confiscated
from a woman arriving from Cameroon for
a wedding reception. A U.S. Fish and Wildlife
Service official said these airport seizures
are “only the tip of the iceberg” of the illegal
importing of traditional meats.
-- A photo technician at a CVS drugstore
in Advance, N.C., notified police in March
when someone dropped off film showing
two male employees of a local Wendy’s, in
bathing suits, frolicking in the restaurant’s
pots-and-pans dishwashing sink.
Also, in the Last Month ...
-- A Chicago attorney was permitted to
withdraw from representing a 75-year-old
alleged serial bad-check-writer after he
sheepishly admitted that he had taken a
check from her for his retainer, but that it
had bounced.
-- A jury assessed a girls’ high school
basketball coach $1.5 million for
aggressively hounding a player to lose 10
pounds, which ultimately traumatized her
into an eating disorder (West WindsorPlainsboro, N.J.). And the bad-boy artist
who once put goldfish into blenders at a
gallery, almost defying visitors to turn them
on (and one did), used 780 gallons of red
paint to cover a 1,000-square-yard iceberg
off the coast of Greenland.
Send your Weird News to Chuck
Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL
33679 or WeirdNews@earthlink.net or go
to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.
COPYRIGHT 2004 CHUCK SHEPHERD
DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS
SYNDICATE
4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111;
(816) 932-6600
THE VALLEY PLANET
THE VALLEY PLANET
#042204050504
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 7
31

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