Get Fat or Go Home Love in a Calculator Love Is Blind

Transcription

THE VALLEY PLANET, INC.
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
READ THE PLANET, IT’S FREE!
WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM
FEBRUARY 3-16, 2005
Get Fat or Go Home
Page 12
Love in a Calculator
Page 22
Love Is Blind - And
Sometimes Sick
Page 11
Underground
Sounds
Calendar
News of the Weird
Unchained
Maladies
Liquid Meat
Please proceed with
caution. We have
received
information that the
content contained
within these pages
could be construed as
racy, and could go so
far as to mention
homosexuality and
the like. Consider
yourself warned!
P.O.Box 335, Meridianville, AL 35759, phone 256.858.6736
Publisher
Milton A. Lamb Jr.
Managing Editor
Jennifer H. Daniel
General Manager
Cherié Lamb
Sales & Marketing
Assisting Editor
Matt Wake
Distribution Manager
Charlotte Griffin
Valley Planet Stylist
Susan Roney
Contributors
Jeremy L. Anderson,
Karen Bertiger, Lucia Cape,
Anthony Conley,
Jennifer H. Daniel,
Allison Gregg,
Rhett Johnston,
Henley Lynne, Steve Moulton,
Michelle Novosel,
Brandi Parker,
Michael Pollick,
David Stripling,
Ricky Thomason,
Matt Wake, Kate Welsh
The Valley Planet is printed for you by the good
folks at Pulaski Web
in beautiful & sunny Pulaski, Tennessee.
Thank you for reading the fine print of the VALLEY
PLANET. The VALLEY PLANET and valleyplanet.com
are published twice monthly by VALLEY PLANET INC.
P.O.Box 335, Meridianville, AL 35759. Subscriptions are
available for $52 per year, but you can pick up the paper
free all over the place or get it free on the web. One
copy per person please; don’t waste trees. Copyright
2003 by the VALLEY PLANET, INC. All rights reserved.
Reproduction or use without our permission is strictly
prohibited. The views and opinions expressed within
these pages and on the web site are not necessarily
those of VALLEY PLANET, INC. or its staff. The VALLEY
PLANET is not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts
or art. Back issues, when we have some, are available
for $2 each plus postage. Please send requests by email
info@valleyplanet.com, or mail Valley Planet, P.O.Box
335, Meridianville, AL, 35759, or call
256.858.6736
Be the first one to read this, email
mlamb@valleyplanet.com and I’ll
send you a beautiful t-shirt
N
ow that the Best of the Valley
2004 is in the books, I planned
to graciously bestow upon my
anxiously awaiting public my very own
personal “Best of the Valley” favorites.
But, wouldn’t you know it? This library
thing just won’t die. If you happened
to see the January 20, 2005 edition of
our beloved, new-and-improved, The
Huntsville Times, and happened to open it
up (or read it), you may not have noticed
a question regarding the Valley Planet on
page 2 of section A.
So, instead of giving you my favorites
from around the Valley (dry those tears),
I am forced to respond to the continued
misinformation and untruths these folks
keep spewing.
I’ll reprint the question and answer from
The Times’ “Ask Us” column, since it
is possible that some of you may have
missed it.
The headline reads,
“Complaints Were Reason Valley
Planet rack moved”
“Q. Why did the public library
move the Valley Planet rack
out of the building? Isn’t that
censorship?
A. It’s not censorship at all,
according to Donna Schremser,
director of the Huntsville-Madison
County Library: ‘We’re big on
intellectual freedom.’ The freedistribution, alternative newspaper
is available on the shelf with other
periodicals. The library asked the
rack be moved out of the building
after some parents complained
that the content wasn’t suitable for
children. Schremser said the library
originally allowed distribution
because the paper had a library
column in it, but that feature is
no longer printed. ‘We choose not
to distribute free newspapers or
religious tracts in our building.’ ”
First, I would like to thank The Huntsville
Times for finally printing the words Valley
Planet within its hallowed pages.
A few months ago a Times’ reporter
interviewed me, and I agreed to the
interview with the simple request that the
Valley Planet be mentioned in the article.
The Times’ reporter agreed with me on
the phone, and I gave her the interview.
Amazingly, a few days later, when the
article was printed in the Times’ Go
2
tabloid, a different reporter’s name was
on the story and all mention of myself and
the Valley Planet had been removed.
But that’s the second time The Times has
done this, so I wasn’t too surprised.
Before I get back to the library, I feel
compelled to tell you guys a little more
about this daily paper. As you know, The
Huntsville Times, in an effort to squash
this poor, little, locally-owned Valley
Planet, began publishing a tabloid insert
called Go last fall. I assume that is was
because our woefully underpaid staff,
our hardly-ever-paid-on-time writers
and myself were just too big of a threat
to the Newhouse publishing empire. The
Huntsville Times is owned by Advance
Publications, who is privately held by the
Newhouse family in New York. Go on the
Internet and search on the Newhouses;
it’s interesting reading. So, if The Times
makes a profit from its locally collected
advertising revenue, that money is boxed
up and sent off to New York for the
Newhouses’ enjoyment.
Not only did The Times go directly after
some of our writers and most of our
advertisers, they dropped their normal ad
rates to our levels in the hopes to convince
our advertisers that Go had something to
offer them. Thankfully, only one Valley
Planet advertiser quit advertising here
and began advertising in Go.
Back to the library. Where to start? The
headline reads that our rack was moved.
I don’t know if that is a typo or poor
journalism, but our rack was removed
from the premises at the library’s request.
It was not moved outside.
The Times goes on to say that it’s not
censorship at all according to Ms.
Schremser. She told them that she had
our paper removed because some parents
complained about our content. That, my
friends, is the definition of censorship.
Is Ms. Schremser saying if I, as a parent,
complain about something in the library,
that they will remove it? Whose wishes
has our public library decided are worth
listening to? Ms. Schremser previously
told me on the phone that the reason
she wanted our paper out of there was
because there were complaints of racy
content and specifically, the mention
within our pages of homosexuality. The
Times felt it unnecessary to contact us for
our side of this story.
tell me you don’t see anything distributed
there. If there aren’t any, they have only
been removed recently. Remember, the
Valley Planet was distributed at our
library for over a year before any of this
started.
Finally, I have to talk about this “library
column” we used to run. What library
column? An employee of the library wrote
three stories for us which are still available
online in our archives. The titles of these
three stories that are supposedly a “library
column” are: “Whatever Happened to the
Party Girl?,” “Country Lineup Sure to
Attract Old and New Fans” (Big Spring
Jam) and, at least this one is about books,
“Confessions of a Book Junkie.”
Now you tell me, is that a library column
that we quit running? No.
Ricky has his guesses about what was
truly behind the library backlash in his
column on page 4. If you are a Ricky fan,
you’ll love this one.
But I still ask, why now? Why did it
take the library a year to call and request
our immediate removal? I believe Ms.
Schremser strolled past our rack daily,
going in and out of the library. My guess
is that we printed something in a recent
issue that pissed off someone at the
library, or someone on the library board.
I think Ms. Schremser was only doing
the bidding of her boss, as any good
employee should —which explains why
her statements to us and to The Times
just don’t add up. Whether politics or
homophobia, I may never know.
I could go on and on and on, like I did
the other night at the ‘Klatch. Don’t ask
me about this unless you’re ready for an
ear full. I’ll end this column now, only
because it is late and stupid things done
by people who don’t think about what
they are doing make my head hurt.
Milton A. Lamb Jr.
Soul Burger Eater
Schremser also said, “The library chooses
not to distribute any free newspapers or
religious tracts.”
That’s not true either. Go look on the
counter at the main information desk and
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
THE VALLEY PLANET
In The Planet
THE VALLEY PLANET
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
February 3-16, 2005
NEXT ISSUE FEBRUARY 17, 2005
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Unchained Maladies, Ricky Thomason
Boondocks
Best of the Valley Results
Make the Homies Say Ho! and the Girlies Want to Scream...
Jennifer H. Daniel & Matt Wake
Letters to the Planet
On the Cover, Rhett Johnston
Liquid Meat: V-Day Survival Tips From Yours Truly,
Jeremy L. Anderson
He Set the Pace: The Life of Dr. John Henrik Clarke,
Anthony Conley
The Deep End
Pinaud’s Tonic, Michael Pollick
Heavy Metal Saved My Neighborhood, Kate Welsh
Fat Pig’s Prayer, Henley Lynne
Third World Country, Seattle, Kate Welsh
Adventures of a Yankee Down South:
Love is Blind - And Sometimes Sick, Karen Bertiger
Get Fat or Go Home, Lucia Cape & Brandi Parker
A Brand Spankin’ New Calendar
Underground Sounds, Matt Wake
Dr. Anarcho’s Rx For Old Stuff That Don’t Suck
Party of One: My Broken Heart, Allison Gregg
There Goes the Get-Away Car, David Stripling
Roller Derby Queens Take Command of Huntsville,
Michelle Novosel
Love in a Calculator - Going Up or Down, Steve Moulton
Those Crazy Listings
News of the Weird
Music Exchange
THE VALLEY PLANET
#020305021605
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
3
and the Republican Party’s campaign of
hysteria. It’s a John Stewart / Bill Maher
kind of thing.
I
don’t know where you picked up this
copy of Valley Planet, but chances are
it wasn’t from the Huntsville Madison
County Public Library, where 200+
normally grabbed their VP. Why?
Never mind that I would have done the
same had Kerry “The Ketchup Queen’s
Boy” won. I am an equal-opportunity
lampooner. But by my tongue-in-cheek
expression of gratitude for the fate-worsethan-death from which Bush’s win saved
us, I grievously offended someone with
big enough clout and a small enough mind
to try and punish me — and by extension
VP. (You may read my transgression in
the archives at www.valleyplanet.com)
Because, after a few alleged blue-nosed
complaints, the library caved to the lowest
common denominator of the offended and
no longer wants the dangerous ideas and
open discussion of the VP to pollute
the bastion of information, free speech,
thought, ideas and intellectualism that is
Fort Book.
What kind of society are we headed
toward when Americans are no longer
allowed to criticize and poke fun at our
elected leaders, no matter from which
party they hail? We all had our fun (some
more than others) with “Slick-Willy”
Clinton, and the dog didn’t explode.
Of the 200 who read the VP at the library,
I’d be interested to know how many
complained, if any. One? Five? 10? If
so, does their opinion weigh more than
the 190 who had no problem with it, or
liked it?
Pressed for a reason, some old bat who
worked there initially said it was because
VP mentioned homosexuality and that
kids might read it. Note that even she
said homosexuality was “mentioned,” not
advocated or advertised.
Fact is, kids are far more likely to read,
“For a good time, call Bruce or Rosie
Ellen at BR-549” written on the stall
walls in the library bathrooms than in
this rag.
Frankly, no VP writer I know gives a
fat, red librarian’s shush who does or
doesn’t do whatever to whom whenever,
wherever or however — so long as all
participants are consenting adults. What
you do or don’t in your bedroom is your
business, not ours. What you believe or
don’t about that whatever is also your
business, not ours. After all, it used to be
a free country.
that “H” word, but because that “H” word
was followed by neither a spew of vile
condemnation, nor enough judgmental
pomposity to suit someone’s personal
politics.
I say that, because if mentioning the
“H” word is so verboten that it gets
publications removed from our library,
you won’t even be able to read newspapers
there. All over the nation papers wrote of
ballot initiatives in eleven states banning
marriage between those “H” people. Texts
of a gazillion Sunday sermons would be
banned as well, and need I must point out
that there will be a furor when the Bible is
banned because it, too addresses that “H”
subject, along with dozens of others that
will curl your hair if you’d care to read it.
Better protect those kiddies from all that
by that logic.
Sorry. That “H” word dog won’t hunt.
Neither will the idea that the PG-13
content of the VP is “too racy.”
I am the first to believe that it is impossible
to underestimate the intelligence of the
average bozo in charge of most of our
public departments and facilities. But
even someone as cynical as I cannot
believe that some of the people running
our library are this simple, bigoted and
discriminatory. Nope. This is political
and about a lot more than this lightweight
paper.
I’ll tell you exactly what I think is going
on here, even if no one at your library has
the cojones to tell you the truth about it.
I committed the unpardonable sin, had the
temerity to make light of King George II
Maybe the voters knew something I
didn’t, and I should apologize to them.
Perhaps they knew the mini-mind who
runs the joint. If this is the best Huntsville
— the most “progressive” city in Alabama
— can do, maybe the place should be
closed and all those dangerous books
burned to warm the homeless.
Ricky Thomason is a freelance writer from
Huntsville. Email Rick at
ricky.thomason@valleyplanet.com.
Let Ricky know what you think at our forums at
www.valleyplanet.com.
BOONDOCKS
Sadly, that tolerance is most likely the
very thing that started this unbelievable
chain of events. I have this suspicious
feeling that VP is banned from our library
— in part — not because it mentioned
artwork by Debbie West
People who read are generally more
intelligent and more tolerant than people
who do not. They live in a bigger world.
By inference, people who frequent the
library are probably among the more
intelligent people in Huntsville. I vote
we leave it up to them. After all, their
tax dollars and donations keep our underfunded libraries afloat. And to think how
many times I have battered and fried the
voters of this city and county for refusing
even minute funding increases for the
library because it is supposed to be a place
of enlightenment.
4
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
THE VALLEY PLANET
THE RESULTS
DRINK
Best Bar Overall
Humphrey’s 19%, Furniture Factory 8%,
Kaffeeklatsch 7%, Crossroads 7%
Coolest Bar
Kaffeeklatsch 19%, Furniture Factory 11%,
Humphrey’s 10%
Best Bartender
Tess @ The Corner 13%, Kevin @ Ruggby’s
12%, Jeff @ Kaffeeklatsch 10%
Best New Bar
Sazio 21%, Sammy’s Sports Bar 19%, The
Corner Hampton Cove 13%
Best Bar That’s Gone
The Tavern Under the Square 52%, Zesto’s
11%, Vinyl 8%
Best Place for a Beer
Philby’s 11%, Ruggby’s 8%, Crossroads 8%,
The Corner 7%, Kaffeeklatsch 7%
Best Place for a Glass of Wine
801 Franklin 22%, Jazz Factory 21%, Pauli’s
Bar & Grill 13%
Best Place for a Margarita
Rosie’s Mexican Cantina 33%, Pepito’s 14%,
Casa Blanca 7%
Best Place for a Martini
Jazz Factory 34%, 801 Franklin 11%, Surin of
Thailand 10%
Best Place for a Shot
T.G.I. Friday’s 14%, Ruggby’s 13%, Crossroads
10%
Best Patio
Humphrey’s 28%, Furniture Factory 24%,
Kaffeeklatsch 15%
Best Meat Market
Sammy T’s 33%, Humphrey’s 32%, Furniture
Factory 8%
Best First-Date Bar
Jazz Factory 17%, Humphrey’s 12%,
Furniture Factory 11%
Best Neighborhood Bar
The Corner 25%, Furniture Factory 9%,
Ruggby’s 8%
Best Late-Night Bar
Visions 17%, Crossroads 11%, Humphrey’s
11%, Sports Page 8%, The Shack 8%
Best Sports Bar
Third Base 15%, Sports Page 14 %, Sammy’s
Sports Bar 14%, Benchwarmer 13
Best Place to Dance
Sammy T’s 24%, 721 12%, Humphrey’s 8%,
Station 8%, Crossroads 8%
THE VALLEY PLANET
EAT
Best Restaurants Overall
801 Franklin 16%, Pauli’s Bar & Grill 12%,
Chef’s Table 6%, Pauli’s Chophouse 6%
Best Fine Dining
Pauli’s Chophouse 26%, 801 Franklin 21%,
Pauli’s Bar & Grill 9%
Best Service
801 Franklin 15%, Pauli’s Bar & Grill 9%,
Pauli’s Chophouse 9%, Rosie’s 5%
Best New Restaurant
Sazio 33%, Starfish 15%, Sammy’s
Steakhouse 9%
Best Restaurant That’s Gone
Fogcutter 20%, Sister Gooch 14%, Zesto’s
11%
Best Breakfast
Mullin’s 19%, Blue Plate Cafe 13%, Waffle
House 10%
Best Coffee House
Olde Towne Coffee 29%, Kaffeeklatsch 20%,
Seattle South 11%, Jamo’s 11%
Best Lunch
Blue Plate Café 12%, Bandito Burrito 7%, PoBoy Factory 6%
Best Home Cooking
Blue Plate Café 30%, Mullin’s 10%, Rolo’s 9%,
Cracker Barrel 9%
Best BBQ
Gibson’s 25%, Thomas Pitt BBQ 12%,
Dreamland 12%, Lawler’s 10%
Best Deli
Duffy’s 13%, Stanlieo’s 12%, Tony’s Italian
Deli 10%
Best Pizza
Terry’s Pizza 24%, Big Ed’s 22%, Sazio 10%
Best Wings
Beauregard’s 25%, Wings 18%, Hooter’s 12%
Best Burger
Cheeburger Cheeburger 24%, The Corner
12%, Soul Burger 10%
Best Steak
Pauli’s Chophouse 26%, Outback Steakhouse
19%, 801 Franklin 9%
Best Mexican Food
Rosie’s Mexican Cantina 27%, Pepito’s 17%,
Bandito Burrito 11%
Best Italian
Villa Fiore 23%, Luciano’s 22%, Macaroni Grill
17%
Best Asian
Thai Garden 28%, Surin of Thailand 28%,
Mikato 7%, Edo 6%
Best Dessert
Cafe Baba 21%, 801 Franklin 11%, Chef’s
Table 7%, Sazio 7%
Best Seafood
Starfish 33%, 801 Franklin 10%, Pauli’s Bar &
Grill 8%
Best Cajun
Tim’s Cajun Kitchen 53%, Po-Boy Factory
33%, Copeland’s 6%
Best International
Ol’ Heidelburg 13%, Duestche Kuche 9%,
Cafe Berlin 9%, Vinny’s 7%
Best Sunday Brunch
Jazz Factory 18%, Green Hills Grille 16%,
Hilton Hotel 10%
Most Romantic
Jazz Factory 21%, 801 Franklin 19%, Pauli’s
Bar & Grill 9%
LIFE
SHOPPING
Best Art Gallery
Huntsville Art League 36%, Meridian Arts
20%, 801 Franklin 8%
Best Gift Shop
Nonesuch 18%, Signature Gallery 14%,
Lawrens 13%
Best Wine Shop
Wine Cellar 30%, Pauli’s 24%, Great Spirits
22%
Best Music Shop
Sunburst Records 23%, Fret Shop 15%,
Strings & Brass 10%
Best Adult Store
Pleasures 48%, Naughty & Spice 11%, Adult
Emporium 7%
#020305021605
Best Park
Big Spring Park 34%, Monte Sano 30%,
Braham Spring Park 6%
Best Neighborhood
5 Points 47%, Olde Towne/Twickenham 12%,
Monte Sano 6%
Best Place to Hike
Monte Sano 67%, Land Trust Trails 11%,
South Cumberland 7%
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
ENTERTAINMENT
Best Place to Hear Live Music
The Crossroads 17%, Sammy T’s 14%, Station
14%, Humphrey’s 13%
Best Band Overall
Toy Shop 18%, Black Eyed Susan 10%, Eric
Rhodes Band 6%, 5ive O’Clock Charlie 6%
Best Musician
Dave Anderson 14%, Andrew Sharpe 9%,
Microwave Dave 8%
Best Female Singer
Lacey Atchison 21%, Carla Russell 20%, Anita
Lynn Palmer 13%, Rachel Merriman 13%
Best Male Singer
Tom Cremeens 24%, Dave Anderson 15%,
Mike Roberts 11%
Best Blues Artist/Band
Microwave Dave 25%, Eric Rhodes Band
20%, 4 Door Ramblers 16%
Best Rock Artist/Band
Toy Shop 20%, Black Eyed Susan 11%, PUSH
10%, Redletters 10%
Best Country Artist/Band
Duane Walker & The Desperados 16%,
Wayne Mills Band 12%, Jason Albert 8%,
Evan Moore 8%
Best Jazz Artist/Band
Blue Savoy Combo 20%, Black Root
Ensemble 14%, Crackerjacks 8%
Best World Music Artist/Band
Mambo Gris Gris 44%, Island Soundzz 17%,
Reggae Mystics 14%
Best Place for Karaoke
Station 35%, Halftime 26%, Benchwarmer
Too 17%
Best Karaoke DJ
Anita Lynn Palmer 45%, Howard (HDK) 22%,
King Karaoke Joe 6%
Best Place for Trivia
Third Base Grill 28%, T.G.I.Friday’s 18%, The
Corner 15%
Best Place for Darts
Ruggby’s 23%, Finnegan’s 17%, The Bar We
Are Forbidden to Mention 14%
Best Place for Pool
Jazz Factory 29%, Warehouse (closed) 16%,
Station 11%
Best Bowling Alley
Plamor 49%, Madison Bowling 16%, AMF
Parkway Lanes 13%
Favorite Local Sports Team
Tennessee Valley Vipers 33%, Huntsville
Havoc 25%, Huntsville Stars 23%
5
by Matt Wake and Jennifer H. Daniel
here in the Valley. Call before these deals
sell-out, and while you’re at it, check out
the website at ww.covenantcove,com.
And don’t forget your little number.
What a Guy Wants
No, I’m not going to provide diagrams
from the Kama Sutra. You women have
it easy enough on Valentine’s. Shopping
for dudes is a walk in the park. We don’t
attach meaning or significance to the gifts
we receive. Guys are just jazzed to get
some new stuff. However, if you want to
boost your “coolness quotient,” grab your
fella something from the list below:
What a Girl Wants
Honestly? This Valentine’s Day falls on a
Monday, and that’s a workday. Here’s my
idea: Let’s spend the weekend enjoying a
pre-Valentine’s celebration in a cozy little
room somewhere other than here (our
house). And if you make that happen, then
I’ll dress up in that little number you like
for me to wear. Which one? Oh, come on.
Does it really matter?
Guntersville is a short jaunt down the road
for such a picturesque place. The foothills
of the Smokies are at your heels, and Lake
Guntersville is a sight whether it’s warm
or cold outside. Covenant Cove Resort
offers panoramic views from its suites,
so be sure to get a room overlooking the
lake. Even in the winter, a night next to
the water makes for a cozy get-away.
Privacy is guaranteed. This is off-season,
but the only difference are the prices and
the amount of people. If privacy is what
you’re after this Valentine’s, then it’s less
than one hour to peace, quiet and me in
that little number.
Bistro La Luna and The Blue Parrot
Martini & Cigar Bar at Covenant Cove
are a part of Guntersville’s warmest
retreat. The Covenant Cove Resort offers
lakeside accommodations, a wonderful
restaurant and a great bar to boot. Bistro
La Luna is offering a special Valentine’s
dinner menu that includes an appetizer, a
full-course and dessert. Room packages
include champagne, turndown service
with roses, continental breakfasts, gift
certificates and surprises. Rates start at
$100. Call for details: (256) 582-1000.
But wait, there’s more. The Valentine’s
menu at Bistro La Luna offers delicacies
like fried lobster ravioli, roasted pheasant,
pork tenderloin and filet mignon. Dessert
is strawberry mousse in a chocolate cup
with dueling sauces. For only $55 per
couple, this yummy menu is a steal.
Whether you go for dinner and/or spend
the night, Covenant Cove is this chick’s
pick for an easy, romantic getaway right
6
“The Harder They Come”
No, this isn’t the latest from Vivid Video.
It’s a counterculture classic. Jimmy Cliff
plays a struggling musician turned reggae
star turned drug dealer. The movie’s
soundtrack is one of Keith Richards’
favorite records.
The Complete Bitches Brew Sessions
by Miles Davis This mind-blowing
collection changed the world of jazz
forever. On … Bitches Brew, Davis
added dashes of Hendrix, Sly Stone and
James Brown to his own dusky sonics.
The result is the audio equivalent of a
Salvador Dali painting — a synthesis of
beauty and evil.
Klimt’s style was a dreamy synthesis
of realism and surrealism. You can
purchase a 30” x 40” reproduction oil
painting on canvas of “Hygieia” from
www.overstockart.com for $129.
“Budding Prospects” by TC Boyle
Boyle’s second novel is crammed with
seedy characters in manic situations.
According to the author, it “deals in a
comic way with the various disasters and
dislocations surrounding a get-rich-quick
scheme involving the illicit cultivation of
marijuana.” Rollicking storytelling and
believable weirdness make “Budding
Prospects” a vivacious read. You can
order it on-line at www.barnesnoble.com
for $14.
Brief guidelines for women buying
clothes for men: Never, ever, ever buy
a man a pink shirt. No necktie belts. No
trendy doo-dads. We don’t want everyone
to stare at us — we just want to look
cool. Think Rolling Stones t-shirt, not
metrosexual, fancy pants. If you insist
on a dress shirt, keep the colors warm
and dark.
And Don’t Forget That Little Number!
A brief guideline for men buying clothes
for women: Lingerie. This is really a
gift for guys, now isn’t it? Red lingerie
rocks. Black lingerie rocks. It all rocks.
By all means carry on with the lingerie
purchases.
“Hygieia” (detail from “Medicine”)
This is a section from an amazing and
now destroyed painting by Gustav Klimt.
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
THE VALLEY PLANET
There is nothing more fun for us than getting your letters and
emails. PLEASE keep sending them in. We may not print them
all, but we’ll try. Please send your comments to
opinions@valleyplanet.com.
Thanks everybody!
Dear Valley Planet,
Thanks for taking the time to put together the “Best of the Valley” issue. I am going
to have to try some of the new places listed. Keep up the good work and remember
that there are people out here pulling for you guys!
Thanks for the Planet,
R.T.
Dear VP,
I’m not sure who to send this to, but hope you folks can continue to provide a lively
forum for ideas. There are venues in the modern world that really allow an unbiased hosting of printed ideas. The cliché is that freedom of the press only belongs
to those who own a printing press. Of course, in this era, the internet has changed
access to information. Most of us would agree that the unfettered exchange of
ideas has unleashed a flood of the basest information that the human mind can
imagine. The Valley Planet does not go anywhere near there. I am offended by the
banishment of the Valley Planet from the public library. It is one more reason for me
to avoid those hallowed rows of shelves. Some time ago the excessive late fees and
my limited free time moved me to purchase books rather than borrow them - I do
like the “Friends of the Library” used bookstore at the entrance to the library though.
Buying a book that was donated or served its useful life in the library system means
that I can read at my leisure. There are other places to purchase used books, and I’ll
spend more time and money there now.
Sex makes people. Sex makes people uncomfortable. Uncomfortable people have
sex but they don’t feel good about it. People who don’t feel good about sex don’t
want to read about it and don’t want you to read about it either. Misery loves company. Misery is sad and uncomfortable. Life should be enjoyed. We all have a choice
of state of mind. Life is how you make it, how you see it and how you react. Printed
words should not make folks uncomfortable. Word play, whether sexual in nature
or not, is just that; play. People should lighten up about sexual things. Sex is such a
small part of life.
V.N.
Allison,
We don’t know each other, but I just wanted to let you know I enjoyed your column
about how not to have relationships. I laughed, I related, I took notes.
Keep up the good writing.
The men’s restroom at Crossroads, first urinal on the right.
Aerosol and Acrylic on wall board, by Rhett Johnston
On the Cover
Crossroads Art
by Rhett Johnston
Throughout my life I have always sketched on paper and painted on canvas, scrap wood
or any other objects I see fit to paint. When Crossroads brought forth the idea of painting
the walls in their bathrooms, I immediately got excited. You don’t get the chance
everyday to paint on bathroom walls without getting in trouble. Since my art is graffitibased, you can see were I am coming from. Urban art is becoming more recognized as
an art form than just ugly scribble marks on some random walls. Incorporating letters, I
find the art is very abstract in its own way. But it doesn’t just stop there. Because of fresh
minds and time rolling on, this art has expanded to a whole new horizon for itself. As for
me, I include a lot of facial expressions and shapes twisted and turned within and around
themselves. My media usually consists of aerosol paint and acrylics. I use the aerosol
paint because it makes my piece have a layered look, which makes all the colors burst
off the wall, canvas — and of course urinals. As for the acrylics, they bring more detail
and extra color, which gives the painting a finished look.
A lot of the time, artists have a plan or an idea of what consists of their piece. For me, it
is often times very different. I layout simple shapes and flowing lines layering different
colors. This brings out objects in a way I “accidentally” create. I see a lot of faces in my
lines. Faces have a lot of expression, and art is how I express myself. I see that as the
reason I have facial structures in my pieces.
Step back — whether you are standing at the urinal or walking down the street. Just step
back and look at the art. It’s everywhere — waiting to be admired and appreciated. It’s
good for the mind and soul. And maybe one day, it will inspire you to express yourself
in the best way you know how.
D.M.
Karen,
This is a great article showing the differences between men and women. I always
enjoy reading “Yankee Down South,” as I know I will get a good chuckle!
S.P.
Dear VP,
Hey there. I was wondering if there was a list of locations where the Valley Planet is
available since the public library decided against it?
Thanks,
W.B.
Yes, in fact, there is. If you’ll flip towards the back and look in the business listings, all
businesses with a VP in the listing are kind enough to distribute our rag whether or not
they may get an occasional complaint. But these aren’t the only places the Valley Planet
is available. We are currently available at 207 (at last count) locations throughout the
Tennessee Valley.
THE VALLEY PLANET
#020305021605
Two more examples of the fine art on permanent display in Crossroads’ powder rooms.
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
7
by Jeremy L. Anderson
O
f all the holidays created by the
evil Hallmark conspiracy, the
cruelest has to be Valentine’s Day.
Naturally, if you’re in a relationship, you
probably love Valentine’s Day. In fact,
you’re likely swooning over thoughts of
your impending romantic interlude — the
pleasure centers of your mind already
drunk from visions of heart-shaped boxes,
of chocolate and glasses of champagne.
But here’s the truth: On February 14,
the majority of people in the world
will not be celebrating their glorious
relationship/marriage/regular screw-toy.
Most people will be sitting around on
the couch, tearfully reminiscing about
past relationships until they finish all the
liquor in the house, or they’ll break down
and call themselves a good, old-fashioned
prostitute. Damn you, Hallmark … Damn
you to hell!
The norm for me is to camp out in the
living room, order some Chinese food
and then drown myself in ice cream
while watching sappy, romantic movies.
When I think about it, I’ve never been
in a relationship during February. I’ve
never actually spent this fake holiday
with anyone. And I’d like to say that I’m
not remotely bitter about it, but let’s be
honest. My resentment level will pretty
much redline on February 14. So this
year, I’ve decided to vent my frustration
on anyone in a stable relationship. Why?
Because, damn it! The pain of others
makes me giggle like a schoolgirl.
First, I’m going to empty my bank account
by buying every single Valentine’s Day
card my local Hallmark offers. Then, I
plan on standing outside of the store so
I can scalp the cards for three times the
price. Men will pay, primarily out of lastminute frustration. However, there’s one
thing that I know that most men don’t:
women really do look at the back of the
card to see where it’s from. Accordingly,
the back of all my cards will contain fun
messages to brighten up their holiday
such as, “I knew you’d look, whore!”
And then you have the old classic, “P.S.
— I’m sleeping with your best friend.” Or
occasionally, I like to go to my standby
line, “Thanks for not telling my wife.” I
should probably feel guilty about doing
this, but the only real shame I feel is that
I won’t be there to witness the ensuing
carnage.
I’ll be spending the first hour of
Valentine’s night calling random married
couples listed in the phone book. When
a man answers the phone I’ll loudly
proclaim, “Hey, baby! Happy Valentine’s
Day!” And then when he inquires who
I am I’ll say, “Oh, it’s you.” and hang
up. I will also be leaving answering
machine messages to couples who are
8
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
out enjoying their holiday, such as: “Hey,
Sugarpants. I was just thinking about
you and wondering if you’re going to
be able to ditch your husband so we
can make with the lovin’? I’ve got the
whipped cream and harnesses ready, and
the midgets will be here at seven.” The
second hour will be spent calling all of
the really nice restaurants in the area and
canceling people’s dinner reservations for
them. After enough cancellations, I plan
on booking myself a table so that I can eat
dinner alone. Now, that’s not to say that
I’ll be sitting around in said restaurant
moping, because that would just be a
change of venue. And it wouldn’t really
satisfy my sense of vengeance against all
the shiny, happy people.
The restaurant assault has three main
objectives. Find any car in the parking
lot with the window slightly open or
the door unlocked and leave the happy
couple a few assorted gifts for later. Such
gifts may include but are not limited to:
bloody kitchen knives, empty condom
wrappers, gift-wrapped presents with “To
Michelle” written on them, motor oil in
the passenger’s seat and perhaps, assorted
bodily fluids — depending on how much
urine and spit my body can store. I may
also leave psychotic notes written in
lipstick under people’s windshield wipers
like, “I thought you said you were leaving
her!” For fun, I’m going to replace the
CD’s in every car possible with Yoko Ono
and turn the volume all the way up, which
will pretty much ensure that neither party
will feel romantic, possibly for the rest of
their lives.
Once inside the restaurant, I will become
the angriest, most dissatisfied patron ever.
I’ll feel guilty about this one because
it isn’t really the waiter’s fault. I’m a
dateless loser, but I’m willing to bet that I
can ruin the experience for everyone else
within a five table radius. Don’t worry. I’ll
leave a big tip. Especially after spitting
wine on people during my fake seizure.
After dinner, I’m going to walk up to the
happiest looking couple with a glass of
champagne in my hand. I will then throw
that champagne on the man, and in my
gayest possible lisp scream, “You bitch!
You said you loved me!” And then, before
anyone can react, I’ll run out crying.
Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll probably
just stay home drunk and watch “Dirty
Dancing” with one hand down my shorts.
But if you happen to see me in a restaurant
that night, I suggest you get the check and
leave quickly. Happy Valentine’s Day,
bitches!
Nobody puts Jeremy L. Anderson in a corner!
Email him at reverendslim@valleyplanet.com.
THE VALLEY PLANET
by Anthony Conley
B
orn January 1, 1915 in Union
Springs, Alabama to a line of
sharecroppers, John Henrik Clarke
spent his young life between Union
Springs and Columbus, Ga. Growing up
poor in the Deep South during the Jim
Crow era was not easy. Sharecropping
— a system where a landowner allowed
a family to live and work on his
farmland in exchange for a portion of
the yearly yield — was designed to keep
families impoverished and in debt to the
landowner. As Dr. Clarke says “[b]y the
measure of white sociologists, I was not
supposed to make it at all.”
With the Bible as the only book in the
house and young John wanting to be a
Sunday school teacher, he began to ask
questions when he saw the images in the
Sunday school lesson books. He wondered
why he never saw anything other than
white images in the lesson books when
he knew that Egypt, Ethiopia, Kush and
Punt were all in Africa. Wanting to find
the answers to these questions eventually
led his inquisitive mind to learn about the
history of African people.
Before finding the path to history, Clark
was given encouragement by a teacher,
Ms. Harris, to be a writer; a heavy idea
to put in the mind of a third grader. But
reading his hundreds of scholarly articles,
short stories and numerous books, it
was an idea that obviously took root
and blossomed. It was his fifth grade
teacher, Ms. Everlena Taylor that Clarke
credits with giving his life direction. After
chastising him for “cutting the fool,” she
explained what education should do for
him, and she said something that every
child needs to be told at least once in
his lifetime: “I believe in you. I have
confidence in you. I believe you will
make it.”
THE VALLEY PLANET
It was this kind of confidence boosting
that led Dr. Clarke throughout his life,
and he used examples from African
history to convey this attitude to his
students, whether those at Hunter College
in New York, where he was the head of
the African and Puerto Rican Studies
department, or the thousands he lectured
to around the world.
This fascinating book also covers Dr.
Clarke’s movement from the South, when
he hopped a train headed to Chicago
for the 1933 World’s Fair, to his life in
Harlem, NY, being drafted into the army
and back to Harlem where he eventually
settled.
Clarke became friends with historians
and political leaders such as Arthur
Schomburg, John G. Jackson, Langston
Hughes, Nnamdi Azikiwe, Kwame
Nkrumah, William Leo Hansberry,
Cheikh Anta Diop, and Malcolm X.
Malcolm X often called upon Dr. Clarke
to provide him with historical information
for his speeches.
The format of this book is written
mostly in Dr. Clarke’s own words as
gathered from his writings, speeches and
private conversations with the author,
Anna Swanston. Ms. Swanston was
Dr. Clarke’s secretary from 1984-1997.
The book’s format is similar to what
author Clayborne Carson did to create
“The Autobiography of Martin Luther
King.” Time and care went into creating
this book and Ms. Swanston obviously
learned a great deal by spending so much
time with such a brilliant person as Dr.
Clarke; she should be commended in her
own right for creating such a readable and
thorough account of Dr. Clarke’s life.
#020305021605
In his lifetime Dr. Clarke received
honorary doctorates, the naming of a
library (John Henrik Clarke Africana
Library at Cornell University) and had
famous admirers (Wesley Snipes starred
in the filming of Dr. Clarke’s most famous
short story, “The Boy Who Painted Christ
Black” and narrated and co-produced a
documentary on Dr. Clarke, “A Great
and Mighty Walk”). Clarke taught
hundreds of students that have gone on to
great careers. His message to all of us is
presented in the dedication to the book, in
Dr. Clarke’s own words:
After all I have done, you cannot say that
a sharecropper’s son, with only a seventhgrade education cannot, through applying
himself and through serious study,
become a recognized scholar, a writer and
a respected intellect in the world. Because
I have lived, you cannot say it cannot be
done because — I have done it.
Dr. John Henrik Clarke: His Life, His
Words, His Works. Anna Swanston.
Atlanta, GA: IAM Unlimited Pub.,
2003.
You can find this book and many
more at Expansion Books, located in
the Builder’s Square Antique Mall,
2601 North Memorial Parkway. For
more information, call 256 457-3980
Anthony Conley is the owner/operator of
Expansion Books, Huntsville’s only bookstore
specializing in African American Literature.
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
9
The Deep End
Thank you all for participating in THE DEEP END!
The response has been great. Please send your poetry to
deepend@valleyplanet.com Keep them coming! Thanks!
Fat Pig’s Prayer
by Henley Lynne
Heavy Metal Saved My
Neighborhood
by Kate Welsh
Pinaud’s Tonic
by Michael Pollick
Five disabled dollars later,
this man is cleansedBriefly allowed to borrow some
human sunlight
On another stranger’s bench.
His heart is now as hard as a
claymore,
Pointed at some forgotten
enemy,
Beating eight to the bar like
some slopehead jukebox,
Pulsing with the bagged
donations of o-positive
neighbors back home.
The barber sweeps away
the remnants of this man’s
raincatchers;
He knows how close they were
to being brothers to the
dragonHe has breathed its jellied
fire before;
He shut that door with a shiny
trade school license,
His talk gets smaller as the
years allow.
For six hungry weeks, this man
could be Westmoreland himself,
Safe in the knowledge that
anyone could love him;
He could limp and clang with
the best of fatted Rotarians,
Eating the center of the
rubber chicken every Monday at
twelve.
His neck stiffens in the
breeze with the steady burn of
Pinaud’s Tonic,
He has become temporary master
of all he can remember,
He rises to greet his brethren
with a one-legged kiss,
He embraces the illusions of a
town that evaded him.
(I gave him a cup of water,
and he spilled it all over the
place.)
10
Growing up we lived on streets with
houses not like boxes;
our trees weren’t lined but reaching,
covering more than sidewalk.
Every house with windows had kids,
had locks, had keys under rocks.
Not green, not groomed our lawns
grew.
Heavy metal saved the boys. In my
neighborhood
they didn’t quite drop like flies or rain
like buckets. Not at first.
At first they collected each other like
our mothers collected glass:
Held each other in palm or pocket,
comparing inches and angles.
Saturday morning video games with
guns and dragons,
boys in Star Wars shirts collected.
Running from monsters
to forts protected: afternoon
reconnaissance freedom operations;
late night flash light how to get to the
moon conversations.
It didn’t rise like waves or plunder like
floods, the silence that covered
steadily climbed through summers
unstoppable. Hot air grew
with our brothers who rode bikes in
twos not like a promenade
when heat would curdle air around
doors and windows;
We could no longer follow: only those
without shirts moved
to places to live like cicadas. When they
halved not like cells,
the reasons for differences had nothing
to do with restored or broken homes:
some just quit, others caught colds.
In high school, absent from dances,
closed doors
kept dinner conversations to silent
glances. They left
not like Peter Pan: we felt their fists go
through walls,
heard only drums, bass, guitars.
In houses not like homes we grew up
alone.
What Metallica said we couldn’t hear:
we tried, we listened.
Only the boys understood the beating
softly saying
Live, Live, Live. Metal Roses planted
live
You say memories follow you over
footbridges every Alabama July
Like travelers, little gypsies with
eight plastic flashlights
Well, wet oak leaves shake it on me
when I’m deep
Inside things like moving my life
again, tripping over grey
Ghosts and this trail with no end in
sight.
Don’t you remember we stayed all
night?
Sweating and stripped down to bare
insides (There was a curfew)
We were dolls without painted faces
holding hands, dancing the Alley Cat
And the mesmeric, Build me up,
Buttercup
Song and dance.
Stupid songs are the rhythm of my
lifetime (Now. But no curfew).
One week. Every summer. Cabin #5
Dusks spent
On top of rocks and fiery sunsets I
sat still
And acquired the art of breathing
At Vesper Point, while walking over
a rotten bridge, dangling in trees,
swimming with no suit I ran
Over and under the intricacies of
divinity, (on the Ropes Course)
Pushed six bunk beds together
We anchored one dream boat
and bound it with red and orange
sleeping bags, clothes-pins and
Strangers.
At night we sailed to places with no
traces of red clay on our soles
Hold me close. To dogma (now and
forever)
Cumbayah. Cumbayah.
Sprawl me out and let me
Sleep soundly on the first floor of
heaven, run
With the wind, away from you
Too soon familiar engines and the
sounds of home again, home again
(no jiggity-jig)
Away from the trees, the cabins, the
Chigger Bowl and me
Different. Changed.
Her little piggy
Went away, away.
Away.
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
Third World Country,
Seattle
by Kate Welsh
July, Pike Place Market:
Seattle’s best coffee, 50%
chance of rain
Politicians don’t work for
food on this corner. Tourists
don’t step over dead bodies;
but could if they looked
where they were going
instead of looking for photo
opportunities
with boys who throw fish under
the market clock. Down first,
which T’s with Pike,
Cars rickety as mule-carts
drive fearlessly next to
Lamborghinis, city buses,
siamese twins, contortionists,
and the collision of those who
pay to watch.
In front of Déjà vu Jesus
works as a woman holding a
sign
with directions to hell.
Duane, Tony and sometimes
Amber hand out free drink
passes
with purchase of a lap dance:
they look like business cards
with a pussy.
The strippers are never busy;
twice a shift they come for
coffee.
Most of them are demure,
respectful and look like drag
queens.
When standing in line,
Jefferson Davis holds bills
like
there’s no difference between
leaves and cash. If asked, he
says
he’s from New Jersey, before
that Ghana, before that
Liberia. And no,
he didn’t cut off ears or keep
organs; but he did fight, he
did kill; he drinks tea
here with other boys who were
men somewhere else.
Most months no one visits;
nothing happens. 90-degree-Art
froze under
an aqueduct; scoliosis named
him, only alcohol claimed
him. What goes on here stays
here. After Sadam Hussein was
caught, a surprisingly sober,
happy homeless yelled, We
caught him! We caught him! We
caught him. Later that night,
passed out in front of Gap,
smelling of piss and chicken,
I saw him. We caught him.
THE VALLEY PLANET
Adventures of a
Yankee Down South
by Karen Bertiger
L
ike the majority of the population,
I spent the month of December
cramming Christmas cookies
down my gullet, as if afraid a gang of
pterodactyls would swoop down out of
nowhere and snatch them away before
I could safely get them in my mouth.
Now, days before Valentine’s, I’m faced
with the challenge of losing those extra
five pounds so my boyfriend will find
me sexy and alluring enough to buy me
a refrigerator-sized box of chocolates
— which will slap those five pounds right
back where they were.
Like most women, I don’t actually want
to go on a diet. Instead, I spend a lot
of time seeking alternative methods of
weight-loss that do not: (a) cost thousands
of dollars or (b) have side effects resulting
in a tiny layer of hair growing all over my
body. So then what?
Exercise? Don’t be silly. For one thing, the
gym is too crowded with the New Year’s
“resolutioners.” Plus, if you’re like me,
you make only a half-hearted attempt at
a “work-out” on a treadmill you wouldn’t
touch any other time of the year with a
toilet bowl plunger. I have to claw my
way through the crowds and fight for the
machine to proceed with my 30 minute
walk at the pace of approximately 0.017
miles per hour before treating myself to
a McFlurry on the way home as a reward
for my efforts. So forget the gym, because
that kind of weight-loss regimen will only
make your pants tighter.
Those miracle weight-loss pills advertised
on TV seem like a great idea, but if
you’ve tried them, you know that they do
not turn you into a svelte supermodel as
well as they turn you into an overweight
psychotic on Speed. Although I would not
recommend these pills for weight-loss, I
would recommend them if you have an
urgent need to paint your entire house in
one evening, or if you feel your moods are
just too darn smooth and predictable for
your tastes.
It causes you to violently remove
everything you have ever eaten or
thought about eating from your body in
an efficient 24-hour period. And two, it
tests what you really need to know just
before Valentine’s Day: how much your
boyfriend really does love you.
Forget a heart-shaped box of Russell
Stover’s. Any guy can do that. But will
he hold your hair while you puke with
great gusto into a trashcan — even if you
get a little on his socks? And instead of
crying, “Oh, my God — that’s gross!” and
fleeing from the room with his hand over
his mouth — which is what I would have
done – will he reach over and tenderly
wipe a string of vomit from your chin? I
mean, that is love my friends.
Who needs a dozen roses while lying
in a pool of fevered sweat and sobbing?
Because frankly, I’m just a big fat baby
when it comes to being sick. Instead
he poked his head in and asked, out of
respect for my inability to move even my
pinky finger, “Can the towels go in with
the sheets?” He was tackling tasks that
heretofore he had always categorized as:
needless chores women make up just to
torture themselves.
But the best thing, better than a fancy
dinner or a piece of jewelry, was finally
crawling out of bed — just in time for
Valentine’s Day — and hobbling weakly,
straight to the scale to discover that the
past days’ trauma was not for naught. I
lost five pounds. When I trembled back
to the bedroom and cried with a watery
smile, “I’ve lost five pounds!” he looked
at me with memories of my head half in
the toilet — of my fever and chills, of
throwing up and passing out – still fresh
in his mind before he said, “You were
already perfect.”
What better Valentine is there? Happy
Valentine’s Day, SC! And thanks for
washing out the trash can. That had to be
pretty disgusting.
Karen Bertiger is a
transplanted New Yorker in
a Huntsville state of mind.
Email Karen at
karen.bertiger@valleypla
net.com
So this year I tried, albeit not on purpose,
a new form of weight-loss guaranteed
to work. The stomach flu. The stomach
flu serves two unintentional purposes:
THE VALLEY PLANET
#020305021605
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
11
by Lucia Cape and Brandi Parker
I
f you’ve ever been to Mardi Gras in
New Orleans, then you know what
Carnival can do to an otherwise sane
person. My one trip turned me into a bead
maniac, a sickness from which I never
fully recovered. I remember scoffing at
the posters that proclaim, “It’s all about
the beads,” wondering why anyone would
get worked up over dimestore trinkets
thrown from parade floats. The very next
night, I was on the floor of my hotel room,
right on the St. Charles Avenue parade
route, sorting my pile of beads. I stashed
the really good ones in my suitcase, wore
the OK ones and carried the least of the
beads loose in my hand to throw to other
revelers. To this day, I horde my really
good beads, my precious.
Fat Tuesday is the English translation of
the French term Mardi Gras and marks
the culmination of Carnival. Carnival is
the season between Twelfth Night (Jan.
6) and Ash Wednesday, the beginning
of Lent. This year’s celebration falls on
Feb 8. In New Orleans, it’s a full-on legal
holiday. Not so in Huntsville (c’est la vie),
but there are still plenty of opportunities
to have a great time. Even though (I think)
it’s all about the beads, there are other
aspects to Fat Tuesday such as eating,
drinking and dancing. Check out these
local establishments that are going native
for Mardi Gras:
Know Your Lingo
(www.mardigras.com)
Balls: Formal affairs held by Carnival
organizations at which their royalty
presides. Many groups, including the
most prestigious, have balls only and
do not parade. Many old-line Carnival
organizations now use hotel ballrooms, and
attendance is by invitation. Parading krewes
usually, but not always, have the ball after
the parade. Some krewes, notables Bacchus
and Endymion, throw large-scale parties
with big-name entertainment.
King’s Cake: A sweetroll-like cake made
in a ring. It contains a plastic doll, and the
person who finds the doll in his or her piece
of cake must provide the King’s cake on the
next occasion.
Krewe: A term applied to most organizations
participating in Carnival. The following
parading organizations are not called
krewes: Rex, Bacchus, Knights of Babylon,
Knights of King Arthur, Corps de Napoleon,
Zulu Social Aid and Pleasure Club.
Mardi Gras Indians: African-American
marching groups that parade on Mardi
Gras (and again on St. Joseph’s Night) in
elaborate feathered costumes. The Wild
Magnolias and the Golden Eagles are
among the best known.
Rex: Referred to only as “Rex,” or as “Rex,
king of Carnival,” never as the redundant
“King Rex” or “King of Rex.” He toasts his
queen at the Hotel Inter-Continental on St.
12
Po-Boy Factory
815 Andrew Jackson Way, Huntsville
Owners Donnie and Marie have been
hosting Fat Tuesday parties at their New
Orleans-style eatery for eight years. Marie
calls the Factory “Huntsville’s original
Mardi Gras place.” The restaurant krewe
will begin hosting radio and TV reporters
as early as 6 a.m., then will open the doors
to the public from 11 a.m. to “whenever,”
according to Marie. “We go at it all day.”
In addition to food and drink specials, the
Po-Boy Factory will be serving King Cake
and tossing beads from their balcony.
Tim’s Cajun Kitchen
114 Jordan Lane, Huntsville
Tim’s is known for its Louisiana
specialties, and Mardi Gras is no
exception. Boiled crawfish and lunch
specials are offered daily, and Fat
Tuesday is par for the course. Call for the
daily lunch special: (256) 533-7589.
Humphrey’s
of the Valley world music band, Mambo
Gris Gris, who is learning new zydeco
tunes for the occasion. The Gris Gris will
start around 6 p.m., with Tuesday regulars
Glen and Libba taking over around 9
p.m. The Humphrey’s/Valley Planet/Olde
Towne Krewe will be throwing beads
and otherwise making merry, so come let
loose before the clock strikes midnight.
Fat Tuesday on the Web
Just because you can’t go to New Orleans
and celebrate Mardi Gras doesn’t mean
you can’t throw down here in Huntsville,
Alabama. Come to Humphrey’s! But
you can also get on the information
superhighway for authentic Fat Tuesday
ideas for that little pre-party of your own.
The colorful people, food, history, krewes,
parties, costumes — at Mardi Gras, it’s
all precious. Just don’t forget about the
liveliest throw down of all — join us at
Humphrey’s with your joie de vivre in tow
spirit. For the at-home revelry, check out
the websites below.
109 Washington Street, Huntsville
Valley Planet and Olde Towne Brewing
are co-hosting Humphrey’s 2nd Annual
Mardi Gras party. The festivities start at
5 p.m. with Olde Towne beer specials
during happy hour, from 5-7. There’s also
a free crawfish boil with potatoes, corn
and King’s Cake while it lasts. Returning
this year is Huntsville’s number-one Best
Charles Avenue. The parading organization
known as Rex is formally the School of
Design.
Throws: Trinkets pitched from a parade
float. They include doubloons, beads, cups
and plastic toys.
Zulu: New Orleans’ first and best-known
African-American Carnival organization,
formally known as the Zulu Social Aid and
Pleasure Club. The club was founded in
1909 by African-Americans excluded from
the city’s mainline Carnival krewes, which
were often lampooned in Zulu’s satirical
antics. Zulu began to parade in 1916,
featuring characters such as King Zulu,
Big Shot and the Witch Doctor who are
city favorites to this day. While Rex rules
Carnival with a golden scepter and jeweled
crown, King Zulu carries a banana stalk
and wears a lard can on his head. And did
we mention that all of the krewe’s maskers
- now including men and women of all races
- wear black face and Afro wigs to turn the
tables on racial stereotypes? The prize of
the Zulu parade is a painted coconut; they
used to be thrown from the floats but are
now handed out because of high liability
insurance costs from spectator injury.
For all things Mardi Gras
and More …
(www.mardigras.com)
You can even order a Red Beans and Rice
gift basket and learn how to suck out the
golden juice from all those crawfish heads
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
1907 Mardi Gras parade in N’awlins
at Humphrey’s.
How to Peel and Eat Crawfish
(www.zatarain.com)
Step 1: Gently twist the head apart from the
tail and set the head aside.
Step 2: Peel away 2 to 3 segments of shell
from the tail to expose more meat.
Step 3: Pinch the bottom end of the tail
while carefully pulling the meat out of the
shell.
Step 4: For an extra mouthful of flavor,
gently suck the seasoned juices out of the
head, or insert a finger into the cavity and
scoop out the golden “fat.”
Order Your King’s Cake and Eat It, Too
(www.tubbshardware.com)
And away we go:
(www.mardigras.com)
Plan your trip to New Orleans, find a hotel
room (yeah, right), buy some beads or ask
a question about anything and everything
Mardi Gras.
Revel in the ephemera
(www.nutrias.org)
The New Orleans Public Library archives
its Carnival memorabilia, and this online exhibit showcases their collection
of fanciful invitations, dance cards and
admittance cards from a century ago.
THE VALLEY PLANET
Calendar of Events
February 3-19, 2005
MUSIC
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY3
3rd BASE GRILL Edgar - Acoustic & Percussion
Duo (after college football)
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville Stan and Peggy
AMERICAN LEGION #237 HDK Karaoke Contest!
BEEF O’ BRADY’S The Acoustic Songwriter’s
Showcase with Alan Rhody, Wood Newton,Tim
Krekel & host Jim Parker
BENCHWARMER Thong Thursdays! DJ/Dance Get in free until 10pm if you show your thong or
have a UAH or Calhoun ID.
BENCHWARMER TOO Karaoke
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Rd Tunedoctors Karaoke
BOBBY G’s, Mem. Pkwy Karaoke with Carole
CLUB OZZ “The Baldest Bitch” Talent show. $5.00
cover starting at 9p.m. Dance floor opens at 9pm
talent show starts at 11pm. If you feel you have
a talent, come by and show it. Cash Prize for 1st
Place. Sign up at the front counter from 6pm till
10pm. Hours of operation are from 6pm till 2am.
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL Marsha Morgan
DUGOUT SPORTS BAR, Decatur Live music - TBA
GOAL POST King Karaoke 7 pm
HALFTIME BAR & GRILL Karaoke with Anita Lynn
Palmer. Come and sing on the biggest Karaoke
stage in the Huntsville/Madison area! 8 pm
HOPPER’S, Holiday Inn Rudy Mockabee and the
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Eric Rhodes Band: Second only to
Microwave Dave & The Nukes in the Valley Planet
Readers’ Poll! (Congratulations, Dave!) Enjoy
Eric’s unique style of “guitarism” and the unusual
interpretations that Eric’s rhythm section offer as
the band mesmerizes you into a journey through
the future of the blues! Blues Up!
JAZZ FACTORY Live Music - TBA
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Dave Anderson
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE Andy J. and Sven
ROCKABILLY’S Open Mic with Freddie Faust
SAMMY T’s Ladies Night!
SANDY’S ROADHOUSE, Guntersville Karaoke
w/Sandy. 8 pm
SPORTS PAGE 5ive O’Clock Charlie
T-BIRD’S CAFÉ Live Music - TBA
THE BROILER HDK Karaoke
THE CORNER Donnie Cox
THE VALLEY PLANET
Acoustic, folk rock and originals
THE CROSSROADS Black Root Ensemble
THE END ZONE T.A. Miller, Pat & Curtis. 8 pm
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 5
11th FRAME BAR Friday and Saturday Nights we
have a karaoke contest with cash payout each
night open to anyone, hosted by Bobby and Terri
Burke/Zoot Suit Riot.
801 FRANKLIN Greg Chambers and Keith Taylor
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville The Russel Gully Band
BENCHWARMER DV8
BENCHWARMER TOO Government Warning
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Mike and Barry
CLUB OZZ “Toxic Saturdays” from 9pm till 2am,
hosted by Miss K and special guest DJ’s. Brining
you the latest sounds in dance and electronica.
Register ( with paid admission) to win a vacation
package to one of 4 hot destinations. Hours of
operation are from 4pm till 2am. $5.00 cover
starting at 9pm
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL Live music - TBA
DUGOUT SPORTS BAR, Decatur Karaoke
GOAL POST Bob Mills and the Backfield in Motion
TBA
HARD DOCK CAFÉ, Decatur Lodestone
HOPPER’s, Holiday Inn Rudy Mockabee and the
Music Company
Hot Spot Thrash Metal: Temple of Blood, Death
Camp Experiment and Wicked Descendants
HUMPHREY’S Mem Shannon & The Membership:
Oh yeah! We gon’ get ready fo dat Mardi Gras but
right now! We gon’ shake it, bake it an’ make all
dat night — yeah! Ya’ll come down here, ya hear?
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Joe Vanderbosh
(Chicago Blues) His music is piano-driven rock
that’s focused on originals. He’s a big fan of
Ben Folds, Tom Petty and Dylan. VP staffers
recommend sitting underneath the Jesus lamp in
the corner and basking in the aura of Joe, Jesus
and whichever couple starts making out in the
dark booth by the door.
MARTINI’S, Ramada Now live music once a
month: TBA
Continued on Page 14
THE CROSSROADS Papa Mali
THE DOCKS, Scottsboro Trey & Kenny
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 4
801 FRANKLIN Dave McConnell, the Frank Sinatra
Guy
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville Southern Nights
BENCHWARMER Red Clay Addiction
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville 5 O’clock Charlie
BOBBY G’s, Mem. Pkwy Karaoke
CLUB OZZ “Diva’s Of Ozz” Drag Show starting at
11pm with Tierra Stone, Patience, Amanda Black
and with special cameos. Bar opens at 6 p.m., o
pen dance floor from 9pm till 11pm then open
dance floor after Drag Show till 2a.m. $5.00 cover
charge starting at 9 pm
ESQUIRE 2000 HDK Karaoke Contest!
FINNEGAN’S PUB Nancy Maria-Luce at the piano
FURNITURE FACTORY The Scratch Band
GREEN DOOR BOOKS Barry Kay 6:30-8:30 pm
GOAL POST Bob Mills and the Backfield in Motion
HOPPER’s, Holiday Inn Karaoke
HUMPHREY’S Joe Vanderbosh: Brand new band
for Humphrey’s!! Piano Driven Super Boogie!!
Think: Ben Folds Five and you’ll be pretty darn
close. Be the music!
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Slip Jig (Celtic Music)
LICK SKILLET MUSIC BARN, Hazel Green
Country Gold Band: Music at 7pm $6
MARTINI’S, Ramada Tunedoctor’s Karaoke
MOODY MONDAYS HDK Karaoke Contest!
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN Bama Babes
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE Pimpin Ain’t Easy
ROCKABILLY’S The Blues Bombers - Brandon &
Nick
SANDY’S ROADHOUSE, Guntersville Early-Bird
Karaoke with Sue at 6. Karaoke w/Sandy, 9 pm
THE BARN (in Toney) Chaos
THE CORNER Dave Anderson - Voted #1 Musician
by Valley Planet plays Rock, Alternative & Originals
THE CORNER, Hampton Cove Lisa Busler
#020305021605
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
13
MUSIC
Continued From Page 13
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN 5 O’ Clock Charlie
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE Mojo Rising
Nick
TERRY’S PIZZA, N Pkwy HDK Karaoke Contest!
THE CORNER Lisa Busler
THE CORNER, Hampton Cove Tom Cremeens
Electric Rock and Alternative
THE CROSSROADS Col. Bruce Hampton and the
Codetalkers
THE STATION Push and Kozmic Mama (both bands
emailed this info, so it might be either or it might
be both) It’s a surprise!
TWILIGHT ZONE, Guntersville Bad Habitz
VFW POST 2702 HDK Karaoke
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 6
WED, FEBRUARY 9
FEBRUARY 8
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville Live Music - TBA
BENCHWARMER Karaoke, Pool & Darts
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Parrot Head Party
Gras with DJ Donnie J
BOBBY G’s, Henderson Rd Ben & David
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL HDK Karaoke Contest
BENCHWARMER Freestyle Faceoff
BENCHWARMER TOO Karaoke & Foxy Lady
Contest
and with special cameos. Bar opens at 4p.m.,
open dance floor from 9pm till 11pm then open
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL The Crawlers
GOAL POST King Karaoke 7 p.m.
HOT SPOT Crashing Falcon, Stentoria and Buried
Inside on Relapse Records from Canada. All ages
show $5 6pm
JAZZ FACTORY Jazz Jam Session
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Blues Jam - 15 years
strong!
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN Karaoke
ROCKABILLY’S Biker Sunday! Live Music
SPORTS PAGE Robby Hutto
THE CORNER Sunday Evening Jam Session
hosted by Scott Morgan
THE CROSSROADS Super Bowl Party with The
Toasters
THE STATION Push
3RD BASE GRILL 5ive O’Clock Charlie
BENCHWARMER Amateur Poker Night, followed
by DJ Dave
FURNITURE FACTORY Jerry Mcallister
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S J. Hill: Duo featuring Frank Jordan
from Roosevelt Franklin(Birmingham). Request all
the covers you want. Try and stump them. See if
you can. See you on the Patio. Bye, now.
MARTINI’S, Ramada, Madison Karaoke
MOODY MONDAY’S HDK Karaoke Contest!
MONDAY, FEBRUARY7
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Microwave Dave: Solo, electricmambo style blues-boogie swamp - gras in de
toad patch wit’ out no care music! See y’all down
there!
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Acoustic showcase
open mic hosted by Greg Rowell
PEANUT FACTORY HDK Karaoke Contest!
w/Sue. 6 pm
THE CORNER Dave Anderson – Voted Best
Musician by Valley Planet readers, plays Electric &
Acoustic, Rock, Alternative & Originals
THE CROSSROADS Open Mic
HUMPHREY’S Oh, de Mardi Gras! We gon’ have
dat Mambo Gris Gris playin’ from 5-9. Den we gon’
let Glenn & Libba play all dat cover music from
9-1. Don’ foghet dat Old Towne Beer stuff gon’ be
cheap from 5-7, an’ all dat mudbug food gon’ be
gone by 8 p.m.! Get yo tooty down here over at de
Humphrey’s Pateeoh an’ get dat Mardis Gras up in
ya! Hooooh!
JAZZ FACTORY Dave McConnell, the Frank
Sinatra Guy
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Microwave Dave and
the annual Mardi Gras party.
month: TBA
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE Mike Roberts
SANDY’S ROADHOUSE, Guntersville Jam
Session. 7 pm
SPORTS PAGE Donnie Cox
THE CORNER Scott Morgan - Acoustic Rock - ‘60s
to current.
THE CROSSROADS Toy Shop
THE STATION, Madison Live Music TBA. Karaoke
room open every night!
14
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE Scott Morgan
w/Sandy. 8 pm
SPORTS PAGE Pla’ Station
T-BIRD’S CAFÉ Live Entertainment
THE CORNER Marge Loveday - Keyboard &
Acoustic Rock and Folk
THE CROSSROADS Dave Anderson
WAREHOUSE BAR & BILLIARDS DJ - Dance
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10
Duo
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville The Mike and Lee Show
BEEF O’ BRADY’S The Acoustic Songwriter’s
Showcase. Don Henry, Craig Carothers, Steve
Nelson & host Jim Parker
THE VALLEY PLANET
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S The Cracker Jacks: Yesireeee!
We are going to have some rockabilly wild
fun tonight! The Cracker Jacks will be playing
extra special seein’ as how they’ll have a guest
drummer! See ya!
THE VALLEY PLANET
JAZZ FACTORY Live Music - TBA
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Dave Anderson
w/Sandy. 8 pm
THE CORNER Jim Cavender - Rock, Blues and
something in-between
THE CROSSROADS Mofro
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 11
#020305021605
801 FRANKLIN Marsha Morgan
ADRIAN’S, GuntersvilleLynam and Wasted Mason
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Jon and Ashley
FURNITURE FACTORY Liberty & Callie
HALFTIME BAR & GRILL Live Music - TBA
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
HARD DOCK CAFÉ, Decatur Juice
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S FreeWorld: Let the jams flow like
mighty lava from the great volcanoes of Hawaii!
(or Pompeii if you’re a big history buff ). FreeWorld
is ready to take you on a musical journey. Are you
ready to ride? We’ll see!
MARTINI’S, Ramada Karaoke
MOULTON RECREATION CENTER A Nirvana
tribute by Healer. 1350 Court St. (256) 974-9333
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN Flophouse Regulars
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE The Four Door Ramblers
Nick
15
MUSIC
THE CORNER Hampton Cove Dan Hardin
Acoustic Rock & Alternative
THE CROSSROADS Bishop Black and Whitey
Herzog
THE END ZONE T.A. Miller, Pat & Curtis. 8 pm
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 12
801 FRANKLIN Lindsey Hinkle
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville Year and a Day
BENCHWARMER The Nickel Band
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Hot Rod Otis
starting at 9pm
HARD DOCK CAFÉ, Decatur Big Daddy Kingfish
Music Company
HOT SPOT Fall with Me (Heavy Metal out of
Nashville) Stentoria and Sciatica $5 9 PM
HUMPHREY’S Absylom Rising: Since we
celebrated Mardi Gras, we figured we would just
let the jams flow all week long. Absylom Rising
is no exception. They will jam until it hurts. Then
they will jam some more. After that, they jam one
more time. See ya!
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Glen & Libba
LICK SKILLET MUSIC BARN, Hazel Green Gospel:
The Gibbs Family and Assurance 7 pm
MARTINI’S, Ramada Karaoke
MOODY MONDAY’S HDK Karaoke Contest!
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN Tom Cremeens
Nick
w/Sandy. 8 pm
SPORTSPAGE Black Label “Voted by Valley Planet
readers as one of the top three Rock Bands
of 2003, BLACK LABEL is a High Octane Rock
powerhouse performing your favorite Radio Rock
as well as their own brand of hard rockin’
originals. Visit BLACK-LABEL.com for more.”
TABU Youngbloodz
THE CORNER Marsha Morgan
THE CORNER, Hampton Cove Jonathon Carter
- Variety Acoustic
THE CROSSROADS Graham Colton
TWILIGHT ZONE, Guntersville Valentine Party
with Rod and Louise
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 13
Contest
strong!
LUCIANO’S Frank Sinatra Guy
THE CROSSROADS Erotic Bingo: A fundraiser
for “The Vagina Monologues.” Come play bingo
for fun, sexy prizes and support the wide-spread
show. Music TBA
MONDAY, FEBRUARY14
801 FRANKLIN Dave McConnell
16
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Jason Speegle: Jason is onethird of the group Roosevelt Franklin. He will be
performing a wide array of songs on his guitar
(and with his voice) from every era. Campari!!
JAZZ FACTORY Jim Cavender
SPORTS PAGE Donnie Cox
THE CORNER Scott Morgan - Acoustic Rock - ‘60s
to current.
THE CROSSROADS Toy Shop
Music Company
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Scott Morgan: Happy Valentine’s
Day! Have a nice dinner for 2 (or 4, 6, 8, 10) at
Pauli’s Chophouse and then enjoy a cocktail
or two next door at Humphrey’s with the ever
- entertaining Scott Morgan. He might even let
your date sing one ... or two …
JAZZ FACTORY Jerry Mcallister
KAFFEEKLATSCH @Night Acoustic Open Mic
Valentine Dance 7 pmzas!
month: TBA
PEANUT FACTORY HDK Karaoke Contest!
THE CROSSROADS Open Mic
WED, FEBRUARY16
3RD BASE GRILL 5ive O’Clock Charlie
BENCHWARMER Amateur Poker Night, followed
by DJ Dave
FURNITURE FACTORY Ricky Ray & Eric Jackson
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S T4-Door Ramblers: Huntsville’s
newest blues band! Come see what you think! It’s
blues with a ... holy.... !!
JAZZ FACTORY Microwave Dave
MARTINI’S, Ramada, Madison Tunedoctor’s
Karaoke
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY15
BENCHWARMER Karaoke, Pool & Darts
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL HDK Karaoke Contest!
Audio Observations by Matt Wake
Congressional Hearing
Don’t miss Robert Walter’s 20th Congress at Crossroads on March 3. Walter elicits
twisted tones from his Fender Rhodes like a mad scientist. Booker T. Jones and Art
Neville filter through his fingers. Although the Congress is versed in the past, they
aren’t stuck in it. Ambient production jostles the dusty grooves on their latest record,
Giving Up the Ghost. “Convex + Concave” is both archaic and futuristic. It’s easy to
disappear amid the dreamy sound scapes of “Circle Limit” and “Clear All the Wires.”
Flute riffs float above sizzling cymbals on “Bygones Be.”“Dump Truck” features slide
guitar submersed in an ocean of echo. The band returns to earth with the gospel
flavored “Sacred Secret.” On Giving Up the Ghost, Robert Walter runs the voodoo
down like a post-modern Fela Kuti. Be there when he makes a deal down at the
Crossroads.
Silvertide
Show and Tell, the full-length debut from Silvertide, is raunchy, retro rock. The group’s
sound leans heavily on early Black Crowes and Guns n’ Roses. Front man Walt Lafty’s
voice is extremely reminiscent of Chris Robinson, although his lyrics are closer to
Nikki Sixx than Axl Rose. Guitarist Nick Perri channels Slash and (surprise) Joe Perry
throughout the disk. Crazed screaming from Lafty segues into Perri’s razor blade
guitar solo on “Ain’t Coming Home.”“California Rain” is a safe stomp destined for
rock radio success. Many rhythm sections rock but few roll. Drummer Kevin Frank
and bassist Brian Weaver are proficient at both.The metallic boogie of “Mary Jane”
will shake your ass, even if the shallow words fail to move your mind. Silvertide
has received critical praise for their live shows. They’ve already opened for Van
Halen, Velvet Revolver and Aerosmith. Silvertide has the ‘70s flares and ultra-skinny
physiques. They have a sexy sound worthy of their idols. If Walt Lafty improves his
songwriting, this band will be a monster.
In the Mood
You don’t need affluence or opulence for a special Valentine’s Day. Just light some
candles, open a good bottle of Pinot Noir and spin any of these records with you
know who:
Kind of Blue (Miles Davis)
If Kind of Blue doesn’t make your honey sweat, check her pulse.
The Cream (John Lee Hooker)
Hooker is hot and raw on this brooding live disk.
In New York (Ravi Shankar)
Endless sitar spirals will take you to the edge of time and space.
Catch a Fire (Bob Marley)
Earthy, ethereal and essential.
The Immortal Otis Redding (Otis Redding)
Redding’s vocal on “I’ve Got Dreams to Remember” is the soul singer’s absolute
zenith.
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
THE VALLEY PLANET
MUSIC
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE Glenn
SPORTS PAGE Pla’ Station
THE CORNER Tom Cremeens Electric Rock and
Alternative
THE CORNER, Hampton Cove Marge Loveday
- Keyboard & Acoustic Rock and Folk
THE CROSSROADS Dave Anderson
THE STATION Kozmic Mama
WAREHOUSE BAR & BILLIARDS DJ - Dance
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY17
11th FRAME BAR Karaoke
Duo (after college football)
BEEF O’BRADY’S Acoustic Songwriter’s showcase
with Pete and Pat Luboff, David Llewellyn, Tim
Bays and host Jim Parker
FLYING MONKEY Peelander Z, The Octopus
Project, Daikaiju, (8pm) $7 Buy tickets onlin ($8 for
costs) to be picked up at the door night of show.
Peelander Z has been at Bonnaroo, SXSW, on
Comedy Central’s “Upright Citizens Brigade” and
Spike TV’s “Most Extreme Challenge.” The Octupus
Project promises they are “Hot sinners.” We don’t
know where Daikaiju has been, but we’re glad
they’re back.
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Nickel Band: New to Humphrey’s!
We’re going to have lots of new artists this
year! This local band has made a little noise in
Huntsville, so come on down and support them at
Humphrey’s!
JAZZ FACTORY Crackerjacks (Martini Room)
month: TBA
w/Sandy. 8 pm
THE CORNER Donnie Cox Great Mix of classic
rock, blues & alternative
THE CROSSROADS Capt. Soular Cat
TWILIGHT ZONE, Guntersville Karaoke with D.W.
$50 Contest
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY18
801 FRANKLIN Marsha Morgan
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville One Hour Drive
BENCHWARMER It’s a surprise!
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL Live Music TBA
FURNITURE FACTORY The Scratch Band
GOAL POST King Karaoke 7pm
GREEN DOOR BOOKS Barry Kay 6-8:30
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S EG Kight: The Georgia songbird
returns with a new album! Listen to EG’s Georgiapeach-sweet voice melt in your ears. She likes
white wine — buy her a couple and show your
appreciation! We’ll see you on The Patio!
JAZZ FACTORY Rocket Scientist (Martini Room)
Swing Shift (Dining Room)
Country Gold Band: Music at 7pm. $6. Now serving
homemade pizzas!
MARTINI’S, Ramada, Madison Tunedoctor’s
Karaoke
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN Flophouse Regulars
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE Hashbrown
ROCKABILLY’S The Blues Bombers - Brandon & Nick
SHAKERS Black Label
SPORTS PAGE Live Music TBA
THE CORNER Dave Anderson Electric & Acoustic,
Rock, Alternative & Originals
THE CORNER, Hampton Cove Tom Cremeens
Electric Rock and Alternative
THE CROSSROADS Shawn Camp
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY19
ADRIAN’S, Guntersville Mardi Gras Party with
DJ Crazy from 102.9
BENCHWARMER Lonesome Moe
BENCHWARMER, TOO Karaoke
BLUE PARROT, Guntersville Mark and Harold
starting at 9pm
Music Company
HUMPHREY’S Roosevelt Franklin: One of
Birmingham’s top cover bands! Not to mention
they also have some cool original jams, too. See if
you can pick them out ... Hope you can — betcha
can’t! See ya!
month: TBA
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN Tom and Jeff
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE Crackerjacks
ROCKABILLY’S The Blues Bombers - Brandon & Nick
w/Sandy. 8 pm
SPORTS PAGE Black Label “Voted by Valley
Planet readers as one of the top three Rock
Bands of 2003, BLACK LABEL is a high octane rock
powerhouse performing your favorite radio rock
as well as their own brand of hard rockin’
originals. Visit BLACK-LABEL.com for more.”
TABU Fight Night in the Cage
THE CORNER Jay Hawkins - All the way from the
world-famous Flora-Bama Lounge, Jay knows
how to get the party going!Cove Marge Loveday
- Keyboard & Acoustic Rock and Folk
THE CORNER, Hampton Cove Donnie Cox
THE CROSSROADS Tim Tucker and Dave
Anderson
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY20
EVENTS
Weekly
Magic Matt’s Free Tableside Magic
TGI Friday’s: Wed, 6–8 pm
Green Hills Grille: Sun, 12 – 2 pm
Musicians Wanted!
Mountain Valley Arts Council is reviewing its
Lakeside Summer Concert 2005 booking season.
MOVA Arts Festival finalists are automatically
considered. Other musicians can send CD, tape
or video, photograph and contact info to MVAC
Booking Committee, 300 Gunter Ave, Guntersville,
AL 35976.
Through February 14
Panoply Choreography Competition
Big Spring International Park, time TBA.
Applications available for choreographers
18 and over. Applicants may enter up to two
original works in ballet, jazz, tap and modern
dance. Panoply awards winners in each of the
categories $500 and awards the winner for Best
Overall Choreography $1000. Entry fee is $50.
Competitors across the nation make this a very
exciting dance event! Info: (256) 519-2787 and
www.panoply.org .
Through February 28
Judy Newell Murdock Exhibit
MVAC Gallery Heritage Room, times vary
Kicking off the New Year in the MVAC Gallery is
“Faces,” an exhibition of oil paintings by Boaz
artist Judy Newell Murdock. The paintings in
the Faces exhibit are self-portraits, portraits of
family members and family pets, according to
the artist.We look at each other in quick glances.
The MVAC Gallery is located at 300 Gunter Ave.,
one block south of the Guntersville Chamber of
Commerce. Gallery hours are Friday 9 am - 4 pm
and Sat. 10 am - 3 pm. For more info on this or
other exhibits, contact the Mountain Valley Arts
Council at (256) 582-1454 or
e-mail artscouncil@mindspring.com. Or on the
web at www.mountainvalleyartscouncil.org.
February 3
African-American Film Series
Huntsville Museum of Art, 7 pm
In conjunction with Black History Month and The
Walter O. Evans Collection of African-American Art,
the museum will present a film series highlighting
today’s top African-American artists. The inaugural
showing highlights Jacob Lawrence. Free to all.
Tailor as Image-Maker, Panel Discussion
Nashville’s Frist Center for Visual Arts Auditorium,
6 p.m.
Free. Space is limited. First-come, first-seated.
Located at 919 Broadway in downtown Nashville,
Tenn. Dedicated to presenting the finest visual art
from local, regional, U.S. and international sources
in a program of changing exhibitions. Gallery
admission to the Frist Center is free for visitors
18 and under and to Frist Center members.
Frist Center adult admission is $8.50, $7.50 for
seniors and military with ID and $6.50 for college
students with ID. Discounts are offered for groups
of 10 or more with advance reservation by calling
(615) 744-3246. Hours are: Mon.-Sat. 10 am-5:30
pm and Sundays 1-5 pm. Extended hours Thurs.
until 8 pm and Fri. until 9 pm. www.fristcenter.org.
Contest
Music Company
strong!
HAL5 (National Space Society)
Huntsville Madison County Library, 7 pm
Topic: Lunar In Situ Resource Utilization Speaker:
James Hopkins. Social to follow at Shoney’s. Info:
882-7726
February 4
Art Museum Free Day!
Huntsville Museum of Art, 10–5.
The museum welcomes the public to view the
exhibitions at no charge on the first Friday of
every month.
Sacred Harp Singing
Madison Baptist Church on the Museum, 6:30
pm-9 pm
grounds. No admission fee.
Poetry Open Mic Night
Flying Monkey Arts Center, 8 pm
Hosted by Allen Barry. $5
THE VALLEY PLANET
#020305021605
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
17
EVENTS
Calendar Continued From Page 17
Annie Sellick
Nashville’s Frist Center for the Arts, 6-9 pm
Non-members: $8.50 (includes gallery admission)
Frist Center Members: Free
“Celebrating Black History Through Jazz”
Featuring The Devere Pride Trio & Guest and The
Don Bowyer Small big Band. Admission charged.
Sponsored by the Tennessee Valley Jazz SocietyContact: (256) 858-0409
Huntsville Symphony Orchestra “Mainly
Mozart Series: Mozart III”
Trinity United Methodist Church, 7:30 pm
Grieg, Bach and Mozart in a program highlighted
by HSO principals. For tickets, info: (256) 539-4818
Chillin’ With More Salsa
Latin Dance by the Alabama Hispanic Association
Seniors Center Auditorium, 8pm-1am Admission
includes dance lessons from 8-9 pm by Monique
Ryan of the Dance Theater of Huntsville. Music
provided by DJ “Azucar.” Dress to impress. 2200
Drake Ave. For tickets, info:
www.alabamahispanicassociation.org or
(256) 541-0385. Huntsville. Advance tickets
available La Michoacana. 2007 University Drive,
Huntsville
Winterfest 2005 Visual Art Workshops
Guntersville Library, 9 am-4 pm
Registration online at
www.mountainvalleyartscouncil.org or call (256)
582-1454. Registrations will be taken until Feb. 3
or until workshops are filled.
Jacksonville Barracudas vs. Huntsville Havoc
Von Braun Center, 7:30 pm
The military jerseys worn by the players will be
auctioned off at 9 pm. Proceeds will go to the
Army Emergency Relief Fund.
February 6-23
February 5-6
“The Vagina Monologues”
Flying Monkey Arts Center, times vary
Held in conjunction with UAH Women’s Studies.
A poignant and hilarious tour of the last frontier,
the ultimate forbidden zone. The Vagina
Monologues is a celebration of female sexuality
in all its complexity and mystery. In this stunning
phenomenon that has swept the nation, Eve
Ensler gives us real women’s stories of intimacy,
vulnerability, and sexual self-discovery. Sat. Feb. 5:
7 pm. Sun. Feb. 6: 1pm. For info: (256) 824-6210
February 5
Contra Dance and Pot Luck Dinner
Faith Presbyterian, 6-10:30 pm
Live music by Contratopia of Iowa & Minnesota.
Calling by Susan Kevra of Nashville. All ages
welcome. Pot luck dinner: 6 pm. Beginner’s lesson:
7-7:30 pm. Dance: 7:30-10:30 pm. Admission $8.
$5 students. 12 & under free. No passes for this
dance. Corner of Airport Rd. & Whitesburg Dr. For
info: wwwsecontra.com/NACDS.html or call (256)
837-0656
18
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
Views of the Collection: Recent Acquisitions
This show brings together works recently
acquired by the museum through donations or
purchase. General admission charged for nonmembers.
February 6
Chocolate and Coffee Extravaganza
Huntsville Roundhouse Depot, 1-4:30 pm
To benefit children’s grief programs for Family
Services Center and Hospice Family Care.
Sponsored by Teledyne Brown. Silent auction
items, free samples, prizes and family fun. Door
prize: romantic night for two at the Sheraton.
Lecture: Harlem Revisited: “Reflections,
Reactions, Rewards”
Uthman Abdur-Rahman presents a slide
presentation chronicling his odyssey to Harlem
from a wide-eyed child to an adult, when he
became aware of the phenomenon initially
labeled as “The New Negro Movement.” Later
known as “The Harlem Renaissance,” it had a
profound and long-lasting effect on AbdurRahman, an adjunct art associate professor at
UAH. FREE to members and $15 for non-members,
which includes general admission to the galleries.
THE VALLEY PLANET
EVENTS
’s
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Rx for Old Stuff That Don’t Suck
He’s the Godfather of Soul and
the grandmaster of funk. Neither
genre would exist as it does today
Drop in Art Activity
Huntsville Museum of Art, 2-3:30 pm
In conjunction with the Walter O. Evans Collection
of African-American Art, participants create a
musical-related collage masterpiece (i.e. images of
musical instruments) as seen in the works of such
artists as Romare Bearden. All materials will be
provided. Fun for all ages! Free general admission
to museum members. General admission charged
for non-members. $2 materials fee required per
participant.
Winterfest 2005 Fine Art Exhibition Reception
Michigan Reception Center D.A.R. campus, 2-4 pm
10th Annual Winterfest Fine Arts Exhibition
represents 41 local and national artists in all
media. Sponsored by the Mountain Valley Arts
Council. For info: (256) 582-1454 artscouncil@m
indspring.com or www.mountainvalleyartscoun
cil.org.
Feb. 7
William Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night
by the Aquila Theatre Company
University of North Alabama Norton Auditorium,
7:30 p.m. Aquila, founded in 1991, tours
extensively throughout North America and
Europe and is the company-in-residence at New
York University’s Center for Ancient Studies.
Tickets are $15 for general admission and $5 for
students and educators.
without the inimitable James Brown.
The self-described “hardest working
man in show business” had a live show
that you had see to believe.
Feb 11-13
“Stomp”
Von Braun Center, times vary
The international percussion sensation has
garnered an armful of awards and rave reviews,
and has appeared on numerous national
television shows. Feb. 11-12: 2 pm and 8 pm. Feb.
13: 2 pm and 7 pm. For info, tickets: (256)518-6155
February 11–12
February 8
Fayetteville Fireantz vs Huntsville Havoc
Von Braun Center, 6:30
It’s hard to overstate the importance and influence of James Brown on the rock, R&B,
soul and funk music worlds. There would be no Funkadelic, Parliament or Average
White Band today had they not had James Brown’s blueprint to imitate, and his band
of renown to copy, albeit often poorly. Brown’s band, The Famous Flames, were not
easily copied. The horns and intricate arrangements stand unparalleled.
Irie Evening 5: UNITY
Alabama A&M’s student center, 7 pm
The Pan Afrikan Alliance will have a celebration of
the life music and
message of Bob Marley. Admission is free and this
is a not for profit event
This event will feature a documentary on Marley’s
life, live music, and poetry
All are welcome for more more 852-1520
Brown’s popularity reached a peak in the ‘70s, then his personal life spiraled out of
control. Before long, his cells outnumbered his sales. Periodic bouts of alcohol abuse,
coke smoking — and God knows what else — led him to do ill-advised things like
commit domestic battery, menace with shotguns and lead cops on cross-country,
high-speed chases. He was rewarded with jail time and served two years in prison
after his 1988 conviction of assault and leading a police chase through parts of
Georgia and South Carolina.
February 10
Film presentation, Romare Bearden: “Visual
Jazz”
In conjunction with Black History Month, the
museum presents a film series highlighting three
African American artists featured in The Walter
O. Evans Collection of African American Art. This
28-minute film is narrated by trumpeter Wynton
Marsalis and includes rare footage of the collage
artist Romare Bearden at work in his studio.
February 11-26
Air Force vs. UAH Chargers Hockey
Von Braun Center
February 11: 5 pm. February 12: 4 pm.
February 11
Fayetteville Fireantz vs. Huntsville Havoc
Von Braun Center, 5 pm
“Honky Tonk Angels”
Main Stage Renaissance Theatre, times vary
Take three gals who love country music and who
dream of being big country stars, add a dash of
adventure, a big helping of talent and you’re in for
a evening of wonderful comedy and extra special
music! www.renaissancetheatre.net. It makes for
a great evening out on the Valentine’s holiday
weekend! Feb. 11-12, 14, 17-19, 24-26: 8 pm Feb.
13: 7 pm. Feb 20: 2:30 pm. All Seats $18. Call now:
536-3117
Dads & Daughters Valentine Dance
Madison Public Library, 6:30-8:30
All dads are invited to host their daughters ages 514 years to enjoy live music, photos, refreshments
and memories. To top the night off, the library
will provide a professional photographer and
Valentine corsages (while they last). Tickets are
$15 each and $10 for each additional daughter.
“Marriage Is Murder”
Renaissance Theater Alpha Stage, 8 pm
(Sunday matinee, 5pm)
Paul is a washed up writer. His wife and writing
partner divorced him to move to LA and write
for the big screen. Paul’s done nothing but write
a very bitter, long novel based not-so-loosely
on his love life. Then Polly appears at the door.
They thoroughly enjoy stabbing, shooting and
strangling each other. As they do, they explore the
reasons they divorced and parted ways. Tickets
and info: (256) 536-3117
Jennifer Check, Soprano
Trinity United Methodist Church, 7:30 pm
Presented by the Huntsville Chamber Music Guild.
For tickets, info (256) 824-6540
February 11-14
Valentine Tulip Sale
Huntsville Botanical Garden
Tulips are low calorie but extra sweet! Order for
your honey to guarantee
smiles all around. $10.80 for a pot of 5-6 blooming
tulips. Call 840-4447 today!
Elvis imitated James Brown when he
rolled out (pun intended) in his caped
outfits, and he tried to imitate the
dancing but ended up flailing around
like Frankenstein’s monster with the
white man’s disease. Michael Jackson
was a little pervert that hadn’t been
dreamed of yet when Brown started
dancing like a maniac. His microphone
stand antics, full-splits, foot-slides and
general acrobatics were unequaled in
the performing world before or since.
He danced so hard that after every
performance he was drenched in sweat, and the hair dye ran down his face with the
Afro-Sheen and glistened and shined on his ebony skin like lemon-fresh Pledge wax
on a new mahogany table. It was impossible to not be amazed at the energy and
effort Brown put into every one of his live performances, even into his mid-and-late
60s. Sadly, most of his energy today seems to be used to flee the cops and beat the
wives. Poor JB was also father of today’s rocker and rapper bad-ass behavior years
before most of the current generation of “effups’” parents were born.
Free Foreign Films: “Shower”
Guntersville Public Library, 7 pm
“Sexploitation” Film Festival
Flying Monkey Arts Center, 7:30 pm
Admission $5. Members: $3
February 12
Dodgeball Tournament
Flying Monkey Art Center, 3 pm
Help support the Dixie Derby Girls, Huntsville’s
all-girl roller derby league. Come hear the ping!
of red rubber balls against skin — just like in
elementary school, except there’s an audience.
Eye-glasses will, as usual, get smashed. Proceeds
go to benefit the Dixie Derby.
Admission $5
As recently as 2004, the 70-year-old Brown was arrested and charged with domestic
violence after an assault on his 33-year-old wife — proving that papa really does have
a brand new bag. Brown’s mug shot was splashed across papers nationwide, and his
disheveled appearance made him bear an uncanny resemblance to Barnum and
Bailey’s wild man from Borneo.
The tragedy of his offstage performances in no way diminishes James Brown’s
contribution to music in general, and rock and R&B in particular. It only serves to
underscore the music business wisdom of the late Dick James, speaking of Sir Elton
John — but his words were universal — (sic) “Performers can handle extraordinary
amounts of failure on the way up. Few can handle the success.”
According to CNN, Brown also has a long history of working with at-risk children, as
well promoting the importance of education. In 1966, he cut a single called “Don’t Be a
Drop-out.” That song is one of almost
100 Brown has had on the Billboard
charts in the past five decades. It’s a
list that reads like a history of soul and
funk music: “Please, Please, Please,”
“Night Train,”“Papa’s Got a Brand New
Bag,” “I Got You (I Feel Good),” “Cold
Sweat,” “Say It Loud (I’m Black and I’m
Proud),” “Get Up (I Feel Like Being A
Sex Machine),”“Living in America.”
Dr. Anarcho’s pick for Old Stuff That
Don’t Suck is James Brown - 20 All-time
Greatest Hits.
dranarcho@valleyplanet.com
THE VALLEY PLANET
#020305021605
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
19
I
’m sitting in the waiting area of my
doctor’s office with a bunch of sick
people. It’s 11 days into my 31st
year, and I have a broken heart, literally.
It’s what brought me here today. On my
actual birthday, I took an EKG as part of
a medical assessment that was required
when I joined the local gym. That
birthday was miserable, as were the few
days leading up to it. I had just returned
from a two-week vacation in Belize
and had come to the realization that the
relationship I was in was no longer worth
what it once was. I knew getting back into
the swing of things would take care of the
coming-home blues. I knew I’d have to
take care of the latter, but I didn’t know
how to go about it.
to the doctor and get that taken care of. If
a relationship isn’t bringing you joy and
happiness, move on. I’ll take loneliness
over misery any day.
I knew from the beginning of the
relationship that it wasn’t meant to be
“forever.” He came to me with warnings
from others who’d once been in the
position I’m in now. Rather than heeding
their warnings I simply thought, I’m
different. As the months passed and the
relationship progressed, they came to
agree with me. Now, I’d like to stick a
warning label on his back so others won’t
go through what I did. But I know no one
will listen. They, too will think they’re
different.
Five days after my birthday I was given
the results of the EKG. They said my
heart is not getting enough oxygen and
blood. I laughed at the lady providing
the results. Me? Heart problems? I ran
three half marathons last year. My general
practitioner wanted to see me right away.
The same night I received the results, I
addressed the emotional side of my heart
and the other person in my relationship.
After we said our good-byes, I felt at
ease. A decision had been made, and I
could now trade in the ups and downs
for a steady ride. Like my physical heart
not getting enough of what it needs, my
emotional heart was also in a bit of a
drought. I see this now. A month ago, I
had convinced myself otherwise. I made
myself believe that the holidays were
taking their toll on my free time and that’s
why the now-ex and I hadn’t had time
together. When we look back on what
was, it’s amazing how it looks so different
than it once did. It’s also amazing how we
go to great lengths to avoid the truth.
I spent far too much time and energy
thinking I was misreading his actions.
I felt I was imagining things because I
was insecure about the relationship in
general. It turns out I wasn’t misreading
or imaging anything. I was right. Please,
let me gloat for a minute.
The only thing different about me is that
today I am stronger, happier and more
secure. I imagine soon the nurse will
usher me from the waiting area to an
examining room. They’ll retest my heart
and see that the original EKG was wrong.
The new test will show that my heart, its
four chambers and assorted arteries are
working just fine. I know I’m not sick.
Sometimes you have to hear it out loud
before you can move ahead.
This New Year brings with it more races
for a self-confident girl. It gives me a new
outlook on this world and my place in
it. I’ll move forward with a heart that’s
stronger because I had the intuition to
address and fix what was wrong. Now if
I could get the medical crew to get onto
the same page, the 12th day of my 31st
year can be the first day of the rest of my
healed heart’s life.
In the few days since we’ve been apart, my
life has steadied out (with the exception of
my ticker). I’ve deleted him and anything
associated with him from my cell phone
and email. I put the things he gave me
into a box, sealed it and moved it to the
“ex-files.” I talked with my friends about
his faults, and we all agree I’m better off
without him.
Just because you care deeply for someone
doesn’t mean you have the right to string
them along. And if you know you’re
cared for, it doesn’t mean you have to
follow the stringer’s lead. You must
care for yourself more than you care for
anyone or any relationship. If your heart
isn’t getting the oxygen it needs, you go
20
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
Allison Gregg is an eternal optimist who has never
had it so good. Email Allison at
allison.gregg@valleyplanet.com.
THE VALLEY PLANET
But I’m the beholder. I see the beauty. The
Camaro can do no wrong.
Eleanor in the movie “Gone in Sixty
Seconds.”
I proudly drove my beautiful machine to
my parents’ house, sporting a look of smug
male-dominance. I spoke passionately of
the automotive luxury machine, (it has ttops!) now dripping oil on their car park
and bragged, “Mama, it’s all I’ve wanted
since I was 10!” She picked at the large
spring protruding from the driver’s seat
and said, “At least it’s safe.”
See there? Emotions validated by
Hollywood! That’s always something,
like in “Christine”, where a boy’s love
actually makes the car fix itself! Yeah, the
car in that movie kills a bunch of folks,
but that’s not the point. Dude loves his
car, and it loves him.
In a Houdini-esque escape, there was
a large cloud of oily smoke, and then I
disappeared.
L
by David Stripling
ast March I finally purchased my
dream car — the very automobile
which left me awestruck as a ten
year old — a 1988 Chevrolet 305 V-8
Camaro. A dear high school friend looked
on with envy as I wrote the “enormous”
check that took the owner’s ad out of the
paper and made the dream machine a
reality in my driveway.
Hold on.
EVENTS
“Tardi Gras” Zydeco
Knights of Columbus , 8-11 pm
Cajun-Zydeco Connection presents a dance,
featuring Dikki Du and The Zydeco Krewe. Festive
Mardi Gras attire is encouraged! Free beginner
Zydeco dance lesson at 7:15. Come and join in
the dance or just sit and listen to the good-time
music of Southwest Louisiana! $10 members/$12
non-members. 3053 Leeman Ferry Road. See
www.czdance.com or call 882-2627 for more info
and directions!
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
The Camaro is what I call used to be
blue, which is really blue, rust-brown,
primer-gray and minor-body-damage
black. I don’t make much money, so
the “enormous” check was 800 bucks.
My high school friend, actually an
acquaintance not caring to talk me out of
the buy, grimaced through the test drive
and said of the sheer size of the beast, “At
least it’s safe.”
Singing Valentines
Huntsville and Madison, 9-6 pm.
The Huntsville Metropolitan Chapter of the
Barbershop Harmony Society will deliver singing
Valentines Feb. 14 only 9 am-6pm. Huntsville and
Madison vicinity only.Each delivery to that special
loved one will include a rose, a card and two love
songs performed in barbershop harmony. This
unique expression of affection has proven in
past years to get the attention of both recipients
and bystanders. The cost is $30.00 within a four
hour delivery window, $40.00 within a two hour
delivery window or $50.00 for delivery within 10
minutes of a specified time. Appointments should
be made as soon as possible by calling 881-0213.
Macon Trax vs. Huntsville Havoc
Von Braun Center, 7:30
February 13-June 5
February 17
Feb 12
“Read and ReJoyce II”
Huntsville Museum of Art, 1 p.m.
This appealing exhibition features the Southern
filmmaker, author and illustrator William Joyce.
Included are selected covers from The New Yorker
magazine, original illustrations from Joyce’s books,
a special section highlighting Joyce’s unpublished
works and video stations for viewing Joyce’s “Rolie
Polie Olie” and “George Shrinks.”
February 13
Gallery Walk: “Read and ReJoyce II:”
Huntsville Museum of Art, 2 p.m.
Storyteller and children’s author Hester Bass will
lead a gallery walk through the exhibition. Bass
will describe how an idea becomes a printed page
in a children’s book and discuss the development
of a sketch to finished artwork. She will also
read selection from Joyce’s books, including
his autobiography, “The World of William Joyce
Scrapbook.” Following the presentation the Art
Krewe will host a reception in her honor. This
program is free to members and included in
general admission for non-members.
A boy’s love affair with his car is well
understood by any American male. A car
represents independence, individuality
and the ability to flee quickly. A man isn’t
allowed to cry unless he sees his child
born, hits his 62nd home run or has crap
wrong with his car. Loss and death let us
show a little bit of emotion, but tears are
only truly understood and forgiven during
the sale (or God forbid, transmission
failure) of our blessed dream machines.
We love them like we love our dogs. We
even give them names, like the illusive
Wave at me and Christine when you
see us on the Parkway or on our Valleyarea gas station tour 2005. I’ll have
three speakers blaring Zeppelin through
the open t-tops, riding the wind that is
whipping my headliner back and forth
against the rusty roof.
February 18-20 & 24-27
February19
The Ugly Duckling and The Frog Prince
Von Braun Center Playhouse, times vary
Fantasy Playhouse Children’s Theater and
Academy presents two classic fairy tales for
the price of one! These original humorous
adaptations are sure to delight audiences of all
ages as they teach children that appearances can
be deceiving. Feb. 18: 7pm. February 19: 3:30 pm &
7 pm. Feb. 20:1:30 pm & 5 pm. Feb 24:7 pm. Feb 25:
7 pm. Feb 26:1:30 pm & 5 pm. Feb. 27:1:30 pm. & 5
pm. All tickets $10. Reserve tickets by calling (256)
539-6829 or visit Fantasy Playhouse Children’s
Theater and Academy, 3312 Long Ave, Huntsville.
Open M-F 9 am-5 pm. www.letthemagicbegin.org
February 15-March 8
Exciting Colllage 4-Class Series With Nancy
Hughes $125
Episcopal Church in Guntersville, 6-9 p.m.
Every Tuesday create your own collage. Get tips
and advice on collage materials, methods and
more. Creative your own framed piece of work. To
register: 256-582-1454. artscouncil@mindspring.
com or visit www.MountainValleyArtsCouncil.org
to register and pay on-line.
I’ve owned “Francine,” the Altima;
“Lightnin’,” the Blazer and put them all a
distant second to my beloved ‘88 Chevy,
“Christine.” I never said I was original. At
least it’s safe.
She’ll be out of the shop tomorrow.
David Stripling lives in 5 Points and enjoys, among
other things, naming his cars after Stephen King
films, hosting radio shows and writing for the
Planet.
Politically Incorrect Cabaret’s Shock-NAwgural Ball.
Flying Monkey Arts Center, 8pm.
The actors who perform this hilarious spoof
on the presidential inauguration are from
Birmingham, and they performed this to a soldout audience down there last weekend. We’re
excited to have them come to Huntsville! Imagine
... you’re at one of the presidential inaugural balls
in Washington DC — one of the more tasteless
ones. But alas, a mistake has been made and the
wrong entertainment has been booked. It seems
to be a troupe of offensive, left-wing cabaret
artists! They sing, they dance, they shock and awe
the crowd. Then, half-way through the show, “W”
and Laura arrive ... you’ll have to come see what
happens next. You’re invited to dress for the ball,
or not. $10 Admission.
www.flyingmonkeycenter.org
Film presentation: Elizabeth Catlett, “Sculpting
the Truth”
Huntsville Museum of Art, 7 pm.
In conjunction with Black History Month, the
Museum will present a film series highlighting
three African American artists featured in The
Walter O. Evans Collection of African American
Art. The film will show Elizabeth Catlett, a wellknown painter and sculptor at work in her
studio sculpting in wood, stone and terra cotta.
Nationally known textile artist Faith Ringgold
hosts this film.
Nnenna Freelon and Count Basie
Princess Theatre Decatur, 7:30 pm
World famous Count Basie Orchestra teams
with multi-Grammy nominated vocalist Nnenna
Freelon to celebrate the 100th Anniversary of
Count Basie’s birth. They’ll be tipping the hat to
the fantastic vocalists who have performed with
the orchestra, and adding to the scintillating Basie
sounds. Pre-Performance Wine & Cheese Tasting
(256) 340-1778
February 14
Special Photo Shoot: “Calling All Couples”
Carole Foret Fine Art and Photgraphy, 11am
– 6pm. Just come as you are. $45 for 10 minutes
includes 2 free 5x7s! 206 West Market Street,
Athens (256) 232-2521
THE VALLEY PLANET
#020305021605
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
21
by Steve Moulton
F
lowers, candy, and an 801 Franklin
dinner sounds like Valentine’s Day
to me. Guys, I think I speak for all
of us when I say that whoever (greeting
card companies) came up with Valentine’s
Day needs to be tortured. And not that
good kind, either. I mean dungeons and
metal spikes. After all, how do I know if
all this undo pressure is worth it?
Girls pictured in photo from left to right: Michelle Novosel, Angela Musquiz, Jane Haithcock, Rachel
Gutierrez, Heather Gutierrez
Roller Derby Queens Take
Command of Huntsville
by Michelle Novosel
R
oller derby was popular in the
‘70s, and Huntsville used to
have its own league. Now, roller
derby leagues are popping up all over
the country from Austin to Seattle to
New York and everywhere in between,
including the Tennessee Valley.
The rumors are true. Roller derby is back
in Alabama. Huntsville’s new roller derby
league, the Dixie Derby Girls, are here
to bring back the long lost sport. And it
really is a sport — not just girls beating
the crap out of each other. Although,
there are sure to be enough cat fights to
keep it interesting. Roller derby is like
professional wrestling, so some parts
are staged. While it can get pretty brutal,
the game still requires a lot of skill and
strategy. The league is in its beginning
stages of development, but things are
taking off quickly. The Derby Girls have
already received incredible response
and support from people all over the
Tennessee Valley.
The rules are pretty simple. There are
five girls per team with 10 girls on the
rink at any given time. Each team has
three blockers, a jammer (she scores the
points) and a pivot (the pacesetter for her
team). The jammer makes her way around
the rink, while the blockers try to oust
the opposing teams’ blockers and keep
the jammer from scoring. The jammer
scores as she passes the opposing team
members.
22
Well, I’m glad you asked. When I found
out that this issue of the Planet was for
Valentine’s Day, I “googled” the word
love. (Think clean thoughts, guys) The
first site that I came upon was something
called a love calculator. My first thought
was please don’t send me to some young
Asian porn site. This invention by Doctor
Love was created to help me out when I
can’t find that Al Green record I lost about
eight years ago. How does it work? This
is the beauty of it, guys. You just type in a
name, and away it goes.
I’ll use my relationship as the test of this
site. Dangerous — yes, but necessary.
Crossing my fingers, hoping that my 3rd
marriage wasn’t on the rocks, I typed in
“Steve and Angela.” Dr. Love revealed an
84% chance of success.
Sounds simple, right? Well, if you think
racing on roller skates and fighting
a bunch of other pissed off girls on
roller skates is easy, then you ought to
email bamarollergrrl@yahoo.com for
information about the league. They are
still looking for skaters and volunteers of
every sort. It’s a chance for girls to have
fun, kick some ass and gain the respect
that they deserve.
Whew — dodge of bullet.
The Derby Girls’ first fundraiser is
on Saturday, Feb. 12, 3 p.m. We are
sponsoring a dodgeball tournament at the
Flying Monkey Arts Center. Register your
team of six players at Bandito Burrito on
Governors Drive from 2-9 p.m. MondaySaturday. The cost is $30 per team. You
must be 19 years old to play and willing
to risk life, limb, and dignity. Admission
to the dodgeball tournament is $5. Come
and watch your friends break glasses.
The winning team receives $150, and
raffle prizes will be given away hourly.
The Derby Girls will be there to answer
questions and to recruit new skaters,
volunteers and sponsors.
Good advice. So since Dr. Love passed
test number one, I thought, why not apply
it to the sports world? You know, find out
if we can truly get along and give the
world a Coke and a smile. How about a
world where New York fans can get along
with Boston fans?
Dr. Love believes that this relationship
only has a 17% of success.
While it might be months before The
Dixie Derby Girls have their first bout,
they still meet most Sunday nights at
Carousel Skate Center in Huntsville for
skate practice. Thank you all for bringing
roller derby back to Bama!
How about college football and the
Bowl Championship Series? Dr. Love
calculates a 39% success rate.
Dr. Love wrote:
“That the chance of a relationship working
out between college football and BCS is
not very big, but a relationship is very
well possible — if the two of you really
want it and are prepared to make some
sacrifices for it. You’ll have to spend a
lot of quality time together. You must
be aware of the fact that this relationship
might not work out at all, no matter how
much time you invest in it.”
Oh, my God. This thing really does work!
There must be some good news out there.
What about famous couples? How about
Ben Affleck and the female gender?
Good news: Ben’s not gay! Dr. Love
believes Ben can find love and rates his
chance at 73%. What about the recently
split up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston?
Well, apparently Brad and Jen could have
saved a lot of time and probably even
more money by just consulting the good
Doctor. Dr. Love’s success rate is 26%.
Dr. Love wrote:
“Dr. Love thinks that a relationship
between Angela and Steve has a very
good chance of being successful, but this
doesn’t mean that you don’t have to work
on the relationship. Remember that every
relationship needs spending time together,
talking with each other, etc.”
OK, what about Alabama and Auburn
fans? Dr. Love gives you Tiger fans and
Crimson Tide fans only a 10% chance.
All right, let’s dive in deeper. What about
Barry Bonds and Major League Baseball
fans? The Doc doesn’t have good news
— or who knows? It may be good news
depending on to whom I’m talking.
Baseball fans: only a 10% success rate.
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
So, now I can sum up this column like
Jerry Springer’s, “Final Thought.” What
have we learned here today? We learned
that love is a cherished thing. That if
you have it, it must be appreciated.
What else have we learned? We learned
that before sinking too much time and
energy into things, we should go to
www.lovecalculator.com because Dr.
Love has the answers. The sports world
is a long way from having a Coke and
a smile. Until next time, take care of
yourselves and each other.
Steve Moulton hosts The Pressbox every
weekday afternoon from 3 to 5 p.m. on
ESPN 1400 in Decatur, Ala. You can email
him at steve.moulton@valleyplanet.com.
#020305021605
THE VALLEY PLANET
LISTINGS
TIM’S CAJUN KITCHEN
listings@valleyplanet.com
VP after a listing means that the wonderful people at that establishment were
kind enough to let us distribute the
VALLEY PLANET there! If you would like to
make your place all that, call us and we’ll
deliver a beautiful VALLEY PLANET rack
pronto! 256-858-6736
LOGAN’S ROADHOUSE (2 Huntsville locations)
4249 Balmoral Drive, Huntsville, 256-881-0584
University Drive NW, Huntsvile VP
2315 Beltline SW, Decatur, 256-432-2746
PAULI’S BAR & GRILL
7143-C Hwy 72 W, Huntsville (corner of Slaughter Road
& Hwy 72), 256-722-2080. Full Bar & Extensive Wine List.
Reservations Suggested.
www.paulisbarandgrill.com VP
PILOT HOUSE RESTAURANT
200 South Main St., Tuscumbia, 256-389-9551
Sun-Thur: 11 a.m. - 10 p.m. Fri-Sat: 11 a.m. - 11 p.m.
Covenant Cove Lodge & Marina, 7001 Val-Monte
Drive, Guntersville, 256-582-0930. Lunch & Dinner
www.covenantcove.com
CAHOOTS
114 West Market Street, Fayetteville, TN.
931-433-1173. Dine in old jail cells.
CHILI’S (2 Huntsville locations)
TONY’S ITALIAN DELI
119 James Madison Drive SW
Huntsville, 256-772-4448
TGI FRIDAY’S
SCHLOTZSKY’S DELI (2 Huntsville locations)
SOUL BURGER
2900 Triana Blvd. SW, Huntsville, 256-534-8585
WILD FLOUR BISTRO
600 Jordan Lane NW, Huntsville (shopping center, corner
of Holmes and Jordan). 256-536-0939. VP
WINGS SPORTS GRILLE
4250 Balmoral Dr. SW, Huntsville, 256-881-8878.
www.wingssportsgrille.com VP
7500 SW Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville,
256-881-7244, located in Main St. South
Mon-Sat. Lunch & Dinner. VP
THE DOCKS
Goosepond Colony, 417 Ed Hembree, Scottsboro,
256-574-3071. Casual Fine Dining Restaurant & Bar on
the banks of the Tennessee River. Free live entertainment
on weekends. VP
EDEN’S EAST
2413-B Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-721-9491
Vegetarian fare, M-Thu: 11am-6 pm; Fri: 11am-3pm
FURNITURE FACTORY BAR & GRILL
619 Meridian Street N, Huntsville (just north of
Downtown), 256-539-8001. Live music on the patio. SEE
CALENDAR for details. VP
THE GARLIC PRESS
2699 Sandlin Rd. SW, Decatur, 256-353-0007
GREEN HILLS GRILLE
5100 Sanderson Street NW, Huntsville (corner of Wynn
and University), 256-837-8282. VP
HUMPHREY’S BAR & GRILL
109 Washington Street, Huntsville (Downtown, corner of
Washington and Clinton), 256-704-5555. 11 am – 2 am
everyday. Live music every night – SEE CALENDAR VP
JAZZ FACTORY
109 North Side Square, Huntsville (Downtown on the
Square), 256-539-1919. Live Music, Full Bar & Extensive
Wine List.
K C’s COYOTE CAFE
3700 Blue Spring Road NW
CAFE BABA
DREAMLAND
975 Airport Rd., Huntsville, 256-882-2010.
6585 Hwy 431 S, Ste. C, Huntsville, 256-882-6747
Creperie & Patisserie
3855 University Dr., Huntsville 256-539-7427 VP
CAFE DOMAIN
3319 Memorial Pkwy., Huntsville, 256-881-4851
8412 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville, 256-882-0841
735 Hwy 72 E, Huntsville, 256-852-9882
1715 6th Ave., SE, Decatur, 256-350-6969
GIBSON BARBECUE (3 Huntsville locations)
VP
5000 Whitesburg, Huntsville, 256-519-2323. Coffee
Hotspot. Specialty coffees, sandwiches, salads, desserts.
7900 Bailey Cove Rd., Huntsville, 256-880-6464
VP
MERIDIANVILLE BAR-B-QUE
11537 Hwy. 231N., Meridianville, 256-828-3725
OLE HICKORY PIT BBQ
109 Washington Street, Huntsville, 256-704-5555.
(breakfast & lunch). www.washingtonsq.com/
cottonrow.htm
5061 Maysville Road
New Market, 256-859-2824
GREEN DOOR BOOKS
ROCKABILLY’S SMOKEHOUSE GRILL
121 S. Marion St, Athens, 256-216-1005, Books, Coffee,
Music and More. The coolest little book store in Athens.
Live music Friday nights. VP
255 Pratt Ave., Huntsville, 256-489-1831 VP
JAMO’S CAFÉ
BLUE PLATE CAFE VP
413 Jordan Lane NW, Huntsville, 256-837-7880.
Mediterranean Fare, Sandwiches & Specialty Coffees.
Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. VP
3210 Governors Drive, Huntsville, 256-533-8808
ERNEY’S
JAVA JAAY CAFE
1713 6th Ave. SE, Decatur, 256-351-8555.
Espresso, Mocha, Coffee, Freezes, Smoothies, Sandwiches
& Baked goods. M-Th: 6am-6pm. Fri: 6am-7pm. Sat: 8am2pm. VP
300 Franklin Street, Huntsville (Downtown on the
Square), 256-539-7777
1605 Pulaski Pike NW
Huntsville, (256) 533-5734
G’S COUNTRY KITCHEN
2501 Oakwood Dr., Huntsville, 256-533-3034
MULLIN’S
607 Andrew Jackson, Huntsville, 256-539-2826
KAFFEEKLATSCH
103 Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-536-7993. VP
ROLO’S CAFE
KENNY MANGO’S COFFEE SHOP & GALLERY
119 N Side Square, Huntsville, 256-755-6559. Featuring
coffee drinks, smoothies & desserts. Live music &
entertainment. 7:30am-5pm M-Th. Til midnight F&S.
Closed Sundays. VP
505 Airport Rd., Huntsville, 256-883-7656
TROTTER’S
3021 Thornton Taylor Pkwy., Fayetteville, TN (inside Best
Western Hotel) 931-433-3871 VP
LAGNIAPPES COFFEE CAFE
119 East Moulton, Decatur
Coffee, Espresso, Bakery & Deli. VP
OLDE TOWNE COFFEE SHOPPE
BANDITO BURRITO (2 locations) VP
511 Pratt Ave NE, Huntsville, 256-539-5399 VP
SEATTLE SOUTH
2113 Whitesburg Drive S, Huntsville,(Whitesburg Medical
District), 256-534-0513 VP
WEST SIDE COFFEE PLACE & CAFE
2699B Sandlin Rd., SW, Decatur, 256-353-2025
WILD ROSE CAFE
121 North Side Square, Huntsville, 256-539-3658
3017 Governors Dr SW, Huntsville, 256-534-0866
208 Main St., Madison, 256-461-8999
CASA BLANCA MEXICAN RESTAURANT
(4 locations) VP
7830 Hwy 72 W, Ste 230, Madison 256-864-0360
140 Browns Ferry Rd, Madison 256-464-6044
7900 Bailey Cove Rd, Huntsville 256-883-4447
1802 Hwy 72 E, Ste D, Athens 256-771-0130
EL MARIACHI (3 locations)
14450 Hwy 231/431 N Hazel Green, 256-828-1466 1836
Winchester Road, Huntsville 256-851-7255
7193 Hwy 72 W, Madison, 256-890-0900
LAKE IDA
LE BISTRO DU SOLEIL
9034 Memorial Pkwy S, 256-881-5987
3612 Governors Dr, 256-536-3389 and
2514 Memorial Pkwy N, 256-539-3467
CLEM’S BBQ & FISHERY
410 Old Town St., Guntersville, 256-582-1676
101 Lindsay Lane S., Athens, 256-232-2330. A quaint
restaurant on the edge of a beautiful, small lake. VP
TERRY’S PIZZA (3 Huntsville locations)
ALABAMA BREAD COMPANY
COPELAND’S
D&L BISTRO
605 Jordan Lane, 256-837-7220 VP
602 Governors Drive, 256-536-6585 VP
608 Holly St, NE, Decatur, 256-355-0980
COTTON ROW MARKET
5000 Webb Villa, Guntersville, 256-582-0484
Seafood & Steak
STANLIEO’S SUB VILLA (2 Huntsville locations)
BB PERRINS
COFFEE TREE BOOKS & BREW, THE
CRAWMAMMA’S
4800 Whitesburg Drive S, 256-880-1557 and
1480 Perimeter Pkwy, 256-425-0034. Appetizers, Salads,
Sandwiches, Spuds & Desserts. Kid’s Menu.
4319 University Drive NW, 256-830-6400
11120 Memorial Pkwy SW, 256-650-6300
8969 Hwy. 20, Madison, 256-464-5300
6610 Old Madison Pike, Huntsville, 256-722-8040. Steaks,
chicken and seafood.
4925 University Drive, 256-722-9620 VP
2740 Carl T. Jones, 256-882-1230
2004 Airport Road SW, Huntsville
256-650-3131 VP
5000 Whitesburg Dr., Huntsville, 256-885-3700
300 Hughes Rd, Madison, 256-464-9990
Providence Main, Huntsville
Corner of Pratt & Russell, Huntsville, 256-327-5555
Fresh Seafood , Full Bar VP
BENNIGAN’S
BISTRO LA LUNA VP
CHEEBURGER, CHEEBURGER (3 locations)
STARFISH
WEST END GRILL
1009 Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-534-6141
Every day is St. Patrick’s Day at Bennigan’s
www.bennigans.com VP
721 Clinton Avenue, Huntsville, 256-536-2872
McALISTER’S DELI (2 Huntsville locations) VP
7004 Val-Monte, Guntersville, 256-582-4567
1851 University Dr. , 256-512-0074 VP
511 Jordan Lane, 256-837-2433 VP
975 Airport Rd. SW, 256-880-2131 VP
BIG ED’S PIZZERIA
2324 Whitesburg, Huntsville, 256-533-4179
TOP O’ THE RIVER
BEAUREGARD’S (3 Huntsville locations)
4851 Whitesburg Dr, 256-880-8656 VP
8572 Madison Blvd, Madison, 256-774-1918 VP
1208 Beltline SW, Decatur, 256-351-6247
Alabama Famous Chicken Tenders, Hickory Smoked Baby
Back Ribs. In the Lounge, LIVE MUSIC Tu-Fr night, Monday
Night Football. VP
4935 University Drive NW, Huntsville
256-830-2793, www.tgifridays.com
801 Franklin Street, Huntsville (Downtown by Medical
Center), 256-519-8019. Lunch: M-F 11-2, Dinner: M-W 5-10
pm & Th-Sa 5 pm-1 am. Lounge opens 4 pm M-F. Full Bar
& Extensive Wine List. www.801franklin.com VP
BELLACINO’S PIZZA & GRINDERS (2 locations)
DUFFY’S DELI
PRINCETON’S CEDAR MILL GRILLE
801 FRANKLIN
110 South Side Square, Huntsville, 256-534-5553
Greek Restaurant, Lunch & Dinner, Full Bar.
Corner of Pratt & Russell, Huntsville, 256-327-5555
Mediterranean Cuisine, Full Bar, Patio Dining VP
2002 Gunter Ave., Guntersville, 256-582-0150
109 Washington Street, Huntsville (Downtown, corner of
Clinton and Washington), 256-704-5555. M-Th 5 – 10 pm,
F-Sat 5 – 11 pm, Sun 11 am – 2 pm. Full Bar & Extensive
Wine Selection. www.washingtonsq.com/chophouse.htm
VP
7904 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-882-9500. Great
Food for Lunch and Dinner. Mondays $0.35 Wings, Family
Atmosphere, Live Music on Wednesday & Thursday. NFL
Ticket on Sunday. Open 11 pm – 2 am, Mon–Sat, open at
noon - 2 am on Sundays. VP
PAPOU’S
SAZIO
MAGNOLIA RESTAURANT & LOUNGE
PAULI’S CHOPHOUSE
3RD BASE GRILL
Don’t let this happen to you.
Take a deep breath, try to relax,
and...
114 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-533-7589. VP
PO BOY FACTORY
815 Andrew Jackson Way, Huntsville (in Five Points) 256539-3616. VP
EL PALACIO
2008 Memorial Pkwy SW, Huntsville 256-539-6075
Continued On Page 24
Advertise in the Valley Planet!
You’ll be glad you did! 858-6736
THE VALLEY PLANET
#020305021605
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
23
ITALIAN PIE
GUADALAJARA MEXICAN RESTAURANTS
11208 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville VP
256-882-7311 &
8572 Madison Blvd, 256-774-1401
LA ALAMEDA
5000 Whitesburg Dr, Huntsville, 256-883-9112
501 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-895-9199 VP
DING HOW II
4800 Whitesburg Dr., Huntsville, 256-880-8883
Open 7 days 10 am to 2 am. Dinner nightly. www.bench
warmersportsbar.com. VP
JADE PALACE VP
BENCHWARMER, TOO!
4925 University Drive NW, Huntsville,
256-830-2458
BIERGARTEN CAFÉ VP
BLACK WATER HATTIE’S
DEUTSCHE KUCHE
BLUE PARROT MARTINI & CIGAR LOUNGE
3810 Wall Triana Hwy, Madison, 256-772-0511
LUCIANO
3807 University Drive NW
964 Airport Road SW, Huntsville, 256-885-0505
LITTLE ROSIE’S TAQUERIA
107 N. Court St., Florence, 256-718-1002
418 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-534-4807. Authentic
German Foods & Beverages. VP
ROMANO’S MACARONI GRILL
OL HEIDELBERG CAFÉ
QDOBA MEXICAN GRILL
5901 University Drive, Huntsville, 256-722-4770
ROSIE’S MEXICAN CANTINA
Authentic Gourmet Italian Cuisine.
11505 S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-881-7746
RICATONI’S ITALIAN GRILL
4781 Whitesburg Dr S, Huntsville, 256-882-0014
4800 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville 256-489-1367
(2 Huntsville locations)
6125 University Drive, 256-922-1001
7540 S. Memorial Pkwy, 256-382-3232
Mon–Sat. Lunch & Dinner.
VILLA FIORE VP
EDO JAPANESE RESTAURANT
104 N. Intercom Drive, Madison, 256-772-0360
MIKATO JAPANESE STEAK HOUSE & LOUNGE
4061 Independence Dr. NW, Huntsville, (one block N. of
University on Jordan Ln.), 256-830-1700.
MIKAWA RESTAURANT
1010 Heathland Dr, Huntsville, 256-837-7440.
Authentic Japanese Restaurant.
MIWON JAPANESE RESTAURANT
404 Jordan Lane NW
6125 University Drive NW E14, Huntsville, (shopping
center next to Rosie’s), 256-992-0556.
TASTE OF D’ISLANDS
VP
2105 Mastin Lake Road, Huntsville, 256-851-9262.
Authentic Caribbean Cuisine
CASA MONTEGO INTERNATIONAL LOUNGE VP
2117 Jonathan Drive, Huntsville, 256-858-9187.
Your source for Authentic Caribbean & American
Food. Salsa, Rock, Reggae, Hip-Hop, R&B, Soul,
Merengue.
HEAVEN’S FARMACY
3RD BASE GRILL
TOKYO JAPANESE STEAK HOUSE & SUSHI BAR
7904 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-882-9500. Great
Food for Lunch and Dinner. Mondays $0.35 Wings, Family
Atmosphere, Live Music on Wednesday & Thursday. NFL
Ticket on Sunday. Open 11 pm – 2 am, Mon–Sat, open at
noon - 2 am on Sundays. VP
SURIN OF THAILAND
ADRIAN’S
975 Airport Rd SW, Huntsville, 256-213-9866
1405 Sunset Drive, Guntersville, 256-582-3106
THAI GARDEN RESTAURANT VP
ALLEN’S GRILLE & GROG
11700 S Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-880-2626
Take Out or Eat In. Open 7 days.
Lunch Buffet Mon - Sat.
BRICK DELI & TAVERN, THE
209-A 2nd Ave. SE, Decatur
256-355-8318. Live Music VP
BROILER STEAK & SEAFOOD
7908 Memorial Parkway S, Huntsville
256-880-2525. Fri & Sat nights Karaoke.
CHIPS & SALSA CANTINA
CLUB MIRAGE
4701 Meridian Street, Huntsville, 256-851-2920. Chicken,
steak, pasta and seafood.
200 Q Oakwood Ave., Huntsville, 256-536-1150
Formerly Zesto’s in Five Points. Appetizers, sandwiches &
more. Karaoke & Live Music VP
SHO GUN JAPANESE STEAK & SUSHI BAR
CHINA MOON VP
1009 Henderson Road, 256-837-4728 and 4070 Memorial
Pkwy S, 256-880-2590. Steaks, seafood, chicken and
wings. Live music & Karaoke. VP
COPPER TOP BAR & GRILL
6565 Hwy. 431, Hampton Cove, 256-536-3690 VP
800 Wellman Ave. NE, Huntsville, 256-534-0122
7001 Val-Monte Drive, Covenant Cove Resort,
Guntersville, 256-582-0930. Happy Hour, Tu-Thr 4-7pm.
Great drinks and a walk-in humidor! Live Music, see
calendar for details. www.covenantcove.com/parrot.htm
VP
10300 Bailey Cove Rd SE Huntsville, 256-880-1202.
Full Mexican menu, dart tournaments. VP
NIKKO JAPANESE RESTAURANT
1105 Wayne Road, Huntsville, 256-217-1719
10000 S. Memorial Pkwy. 256-489-3333.
Lunch & Dinner, full bar,great atmosphere. VP
BOBBY G’S PLACE (2 Huntsville locations)
2413B Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-721-5949
3991 University Drive, Huntsville, 256-534-3000.
Hibachi Tables & Sushi Bar.
BILLIARD STREET CAFE
Pool tables, full menu. VP
LA STRADA
12824 Hwy 431, Guntersville. European cuisine. 256-5822250. www.lastradabama.com
VP
9076 Madison Blvd, Madison, 256-772-8514. VP
CORNER GRILL & PUB, THE
VP
(2 Huntsville locations)
10300 Bailey Cove Road SE, 256-880-2103.
129-A Old Highway 431,Hampton Cove
Burgers, steaks & sandwiches. Great food, live
entertainment nightly. Great neighborhood atmosphere.
CROSSROADS, THE VP
721 Clinton Ave, Huntsville, 256-533-3393. Live Music 7
nights. www.crossroadsmusic.biz
DUGOUT SPORTS BAR, THE
VP
THE BARN
2510 Ready Section Road, corner of Pulaski Pike, Toney
1550 6th Ave., Decatur,256-350-7390. Karaoke, Live Music,
NTN Trivia.
BENCHWARMER FOOD & SPIRITS
EMBER CLUB VP
2998 University Drive, Huntsville 256-539-6268.
Lunch buffet, steaks, sandwiches. Live music, 12 ft. TV
screen, 7 big screens, 22 TVs. NASCAR Sundays, Dart
Tourneys (plastic & steel), Thursdays College Night w/DJ.
10131 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-882-1670. Live
Music.
END ZONE, THE
VP
Sandwiches, steaks, and ribs. 22 TVs, 8 Satellites. Lunch &
Dinner every day. VP
FINNEGAN’S PUB
VP
3310 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-881-9732
FURNITURE FACTORY BAR & GRILL
619 Meridian Street N, Huntsville (just north of
Downtown), 256-539-8001. Live music on the patio. SEE
CALENDAR for details. VP
GOAL POST, THE
3305 Bob Wallace Ave, Huntsville, 256-489-0055. 11am2am daily. VP
Expires 4/1/05
HARD DOCK CAFE
3755 U.S. Hwy. 31, Decatur, 256-340-9234 VP
HALF TIME BAR AND GRILL
8873 Highway 72 W, Madison, 256-430-0266 VP
HOG WILD SALOON
VP
HOOTERS
4730 University Drive, Huntsville, 256-722-0166. Wings,
seafood and sandwiches.
HOPPER’S
Holiday Inn-Research Park, 5903 University Drive,
256-830-0600, Karaoke and Live Music.
Continued On Page 25
24
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
THE VALLEY PLANET
LISTINGS
801 FRANKLIN
HUNTSVILLE BOTANICAL GARDEN
801 Franklin Street, Huntsville, (Downtown by
Medical Center), 256-519-8019. Dine with fine art.
www.801franklin.com. VP
4747 Bob Wallace Avenue, Huntsville,
256-830-4447. The 110-acre garden is open year-round.
Summer Hours, Memorial Day through Labor Day: M-Sat,
9am-8pm; Sun, 1–8pm. $8 Adults, $6 Senior or Military, $3
Children ages 3-18.www.hsvbg.org.
ATHENS ST. STUDENT UNION ART GALLERY
300 N. Beaty St., Athens, Athens State University,
800-522-0272 VP
HUNTSVILLE STARS
Joe W. Davis Stadium, 3125 Leeman Ferry Rd, Huntsville,
256-882-2562.
ARTISTIC IMAGES
2115 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville, 256-534-3968.
www.artisticimagesgallery.com VP
HUNTSVILLE HAVOC
Professional Hockey, Eastern Hockey League. 700 Monroe
Street. Huntsville, AL 35801 (256) 518-6160.
CAROLE FORET FINE ART
206 West Market St., Downtown Square, Athens
256-232-2521. www.caroleforet.com VP
THE LAND TRUST TRAILS
Bankhead Pkwy., Huntsville, 256-534-LAND
Year-round hiking on 547 acres of Monte Sano preserve.
www.landtrust-hsv.org
DRAGONFLY GALLERY & DESIGN
125 Main Ave. S., Fayetteville, TN, 931-433-3024
HUMPHREY’S BAR & GRILL
109 Washington Square, Huntsville, 256-704-5555. Beef,
seafood, sandwiches. Come for the food – Stay for the
Fun. Best Patio in Huntsville. Happy Hour every day 11 am
– 6 pm. Live music every night, no cover. Open 11 am – 2
am everyday. VP
JEMISON’S EATERY & PUB
350-A Market St. NE, Decatur, 256-351-0300. Open from
10:30 am Mon-Sat. Sandwiches, Pizza, Salads, Happy
Hour: Mon - Fri, 3 pm - 6:30 pm. VP
KAFFEEKLATSCH @NIGHT
103 Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-536-7993.
Live Music nightly. VP
HUNTSVILLE ART LEAGUE GALLERY
3005 L&N Drive, Suite 2, Huntsville, 256-534-3860.
Monday-Saturday 10 am - 6 pm; Sunday 1-4 pm.
www.huntsvilleartleague.org. VP
MONTE SANO STATE PARK
HUNTSVILLE MUSEUM OF ART
102-D Wynn Drive, Huntsville, 256-837-0606.
An exciting hands-on science center.
www.sci-quest.org
KP ARTS
THE MAIN OFFICE
LADAGE ARTISTRY
Hwy 231/431, Hazel Green, 256-829-9100 VP
MARTINI’S OF MADISON
Ramada Inn, 8716 Madison Blvd, Madison,
256-772-0701. VP
MOODY MONDAYS VP
718 Church St, Huntsville, 256-533-4005
NEIGHBORHOOD HOT SPOT SPORTS BAR &
CAFE
1407 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-489-5201. VP
SCI-QUEST
300 Church Street So. in Big Spring International Park,
Huntsville. Gen. admission fee is $7 for non-members.
Discounts for seniors over 60, military, students with a
valid ID, and groups of 10 or more. Admission is half-price
for non-members on Thurs nights. Members & children
<6 free. Hours 1-5pm. Sunday; 10am-5pm. Mon-Sat;
extended hours on Th 5-8 pm. Call 256-535-4350 or
1-800-786-9095, or visit www.hsvmuseum.org. VP
LICK SKILLET MUSIC BARN
1801 Charity Lane, Hazel Green, 256-828-5666. Live music
Fri. and Sat. Alcohol-free environment. Concessions available. www.lickskilletmusicbarn.com
5015 Nolen Ave., Huntsville, 256-534-3757
100 North Main, Fayetteville, TN (on the square). This
gallery is a co-op. The showing artists work at the gallery
once or twice a month. Come in, check out some great
art and meet an artist. Mon-Sat 10am-5pm.
MERIDIAN ARTS (2 locations)
PHILBY’S POURHOUSE VP
111 Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-512-5858.
Live entertainment.
ROCKABILLY’S SMOKEHOUSE GRILL
255 Pratt Avenue, Huntsville, 256-489-1831.
BBQ, ribs, chicken & burgers. VP
RUGGBY’S
Deli sandwiches, TVs, darts. VP
SAMMY T’S MUSIC HALL
300 Gates Avenue SE, Huntsville, 256-536-7718
TWO FEATHERS NATIVE AMERICAN GALLERY
7529-A S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-882-0078.
Native American Arts & Gifts. “Walking the Path of our
People” VP
UNIVERSITY CENTER ART GALLERY
University of Alabama in Huntsville, 256-824-1000
UPTOWN GALLERY
THE SHACK
105 Swancott Road, Triana 256-461-0227. The bar that
never closes! Live music Friday & Saturday.
SPORTS PAGE LOUNGE & DELI
VP
9009 Memorial Pkwy S, Huntsville, 256-880-9471. Plate
lunches, deli sandwiches. Live entertainment
THE STATION
8694 Madison Blvd., Madison, 256-325-1333. Live
entertainment. Lunch specials. Happy Hour 3 – 8 pm.
Open 7 days a week 11 am – 2 am. VP
STEVE’S BILLIARDS & LOUNGE
2322 Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-539-8919.
TABU & THE VIP ROOM
7200 Governors West, Huntsville, 256-830-1233.
www.theentertainmentcomplexhsv.com
T-BIRDS CAFE
1792 Hwy. 72 East, Huntsville, 256-852-9191. VP
TWILIGHT ZONE
VP
2140 Gunter Ave. in the Holiday Inn,Guntersville, 256582-2220
UPSCALE
VP
2021 Golf Rd, Huntsville, 256-881-8820
Dining & entertainment complex. Huntsville’s only openminded night spot. www.clubupscale.com
WINGS SPORTS GRILLE
4250 Balmoral Dr. SW, Huntsville, 256-881-8878.
www.wingssportsgrille.com VP
VISIONS
VP
6404 University Dr. NW, Huntsville, 256-722-8247
401 Pratt Ave. NE, 256-539-9658
Tues-Fri 10am-6pm, Sat 10am-5pm. Featuring original
art by local/regional artists, handmade jewelry, antiques,
prints and custom framing. VP
THE VALLEY PLANET
3312 Long Avenue SW, Huntsville, 256-539-6829
FLYING MONKEY ARTS CENTER
2211 Seminole Drive, Huntsville, 256-489-7000
Flying Monkey Arts Center is a not for profit community
arts collective that encourages, supports and promotes
the arts. www.flyingmonkeyarts.org VP
302 Hoffman St. Athens, 256-216-0903
www.footlightstheater.org
Footlights@footlightstheater.org
HUNTSVILLE BALLET COMPANY
501 Church Street NW, Huntsville, 256-539-0063
800 Regal Drive SW, Huntsville, 256-539-0961
WILLIS GRAY GALLERY
HUNTSVILLE COMMUNITY CHORUS
3312 Long Avenue, Fantasy Arts Center, Huntsville, 256533-6606
HUNTSVILLE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA
North Side Von Braun Center, Huntsville 256-539-4818.
ALABAMA CONSTITUTION VILLAGE
109 Gates Ave., Huntsville, 256-564-8100. Open daily, 9
am - 5 pm, except Sundays.
AMERICAN INDIAN MUSEUM
2003 Poole Drive NW, Huntsville, 256-852-4524.
www.american-indian-museum.com
CATHEDRAL CAVERNS STATE PARK
637 Cave Road, Woodville. 256-728-8193 Open daily at
10 am.
CLAY HOUSE MUSEUM
16 Main Street, Madison 256-325-1018. Tour this antebellum home with “A Walk Through Time”, 100 years of decorative style from 1850 - 1950 featuring Noritake Porcelain.
COVENANT COVE RESORT & MARINA
7001 Val-Monte Drive, Guntersville
256-582-1000 or 888-288-COVE. Home of Blue Parrot
Martini & Cigar Lounge, Bistro La Luna & Wake Factory.
www.covenantcove.com VP
EARLYWORKS MUSEUM COMPLEX
404 Madison Street SE, Huntsville, 256-564-8100.
GORHAM’S BLUFF
Pisgah, 256-451-ARTS. The Gorham’s Bluff Institute is
a non-profit organization dedicated to providing arts
and cultural activities to Jackson County and Northeast
Alabama.
431 Clouds Cove Road, New Hope. 1-877-7ANIMAL. Drive
through animal exhibits. Open March through November.
124 Southside Square, Huntsville, 256-536-3631.
Alabama’s oldest hardware store.
#020305021605
2211 Seminole Dr., Huntsville, Art, Music, Film and Poetry.
See Calendar for Event Dates
1214 Meridian Street N, Huntsville, 256-536-3434.
www.renaissancetheatre.net
3101 Burritt Drive SE, Huntsville, 256-536-2882.
Summer Hours (April - Oct): Tues- Sat 9am to 5pm Sun
noon to 5 pm. Regular Adm. fee is $5 adult, $4 senior,
military & students, $3 child (children under 2, free).
www.burrittmuseum.com
HARRISON BROTHERS HARDWARE
LOWE MILL
RENAISSANCE THEATRE AT LINCOLN CENTER
BURRITT ON THE MOUNTAIN: A LIVING
MUSEUM
HARMONY PARK SAFARI
5 POINTS GALLERY
FANTASY PLAYHOUSE CHILDREN’S THEATRE
FOOTLIGHTS COMMUNITY THEATER
1220 South Memorial Parkway, Huntsville VP 256880-2044. Custom framing, fine art, digital imaging &
photography. www.uptowngallery.com
211 B Second Ave. SE, Decatur, 256-355-7616 VP
ARS NOVA SCHOOL OF THE ARTS
700 Monroe St. Suite 410, Huntsville
(all performances held at Von Braun Center)
256-518-6155. www.btleague.org
2364 Whitesburg Drive S, Huntsville,
256-536-1960. VP
SANDY’S ROADHOUSE
THE WEEDEN HOUSE
BROADWAY THEATRE LEAGUE
SIGNATURE GALLERY
WHITNEY DAVIDSON GALLERY
700 Monroe St. Huntsville, 256-533-1953. Check calendar
for events. www.vonbrauncenter.com VP
7908C Charlotte Drive, Huntsville, 256-883-1105.
www.arsnovahsv.com
300 Gunter Ave.,Guntersville, 256-582-1454.
Hours: Mon-Fri 9-4, Sat 10-3.
http://mountainvalleyartscouncil.org VP
116 Washington Street, 256-539-9974.
Best Live Music in Huntsville Thu – Sat. Open 6 pm – 2 am.
www.sammytsplace.com VP
(formerly Manhattans) Keep reading the Planet for
grand opening news.12740 Hwy. 431 S, Guntersville, 256571-0450. Happy Hour 10am-7pm. Patio for the bikers,
karaoke, jams.
US SPACE & ROCKET CENTER
MONDO DE TATUAGE GALLERY
MVAC FINE ARTS GALLERY
903 Memorial Pkwy NW, Huntsville, 256-534-7092.
Burgers, sandwiches and steaks. VP
Directions: Off California St., turn onto Hermitage, left
onto Kennemer Dr. Call The Land Trust at (256) 534-5263
to reserve your spot on a public cave tour or to arrange a
private tour for your group.
VON BRAUN CENTER
OTTER’S
PEANUT FACTORY BAR & GRILL
THREE CAVES
305-A Jefferson Street, Huntsville, 256-534-7475.
M-F: 10 am – 6 pm, Sat: 10 am – 4pm; and 370 Little Cove
Road, Gurley, AL, 256-776-4300. Tu-F: 10 am – 6 pm, Sat: 10
am – 4 pm. www.Meridianarts.net. VP
2704 Johnson Road, Huntsville, 256-880-3714. Live
entertainment. Sunday is NFL & Race Day. VP
Marriott Hotel, 5 Tranquility Base, Huntsville
256-830-2222. VP
Arena Football, American Conference Southern
Division. 700 Monroe St, Huntsville, VBC, 256-551-3240.
www.vipersaf2.com
1 Tranquility Base, Huntsville, 256-837-3400. Open
9am-5pm year round except for Thanksgiving,
Christmas Eve and Day, and New Year’s Eve and Day.
Admissions: Museum only – Adults $12 & Child 3-12 $8,
www.spacecamp.com
321 S. Jefferson, Athens,256-216-0039. Original
artwork by national artisits. Tue-Sat, 9 am-7 pm. http:
//ladage.dews.net. VP
Corner of 6th Ave. and 7th St., Decatur
256-306-9099. Fine art with a lowbrow twist. Submission inquiries welcome. Open Noon till 10 p.m., Tue-Sat.
Located inside Ink City Tattoo. VP
OL’ BREWTAHN TAVERN
TENNESSEE VALLEY VIPERS
THEATRE HUNTSVILLE
Business Office. 1701 University Dr, Suite 1, Huntsville,
256-536-0807. www.theatrehsv.org.
CARMIKE CINEMAS
1359 Old Monrovia Road, Huntsville,
256-430-0770. VP
607 Fourteenth Street, Decatur, 256-350-0935
www.carmike.com. VP
MADISON BOWLING CENTER
8661 Hwy 72 W, Madison, 256-722-0015. VP
PLAMOR LANES
2404 Leeman Ferry Rd., Huntsville, 256-539-2785
VP
MONARCH LANES
2009 Bob Wallace, Huntsville, 256-534-9439.
MADISON BOWLING CENTER
8661 Hwy 72 W, Madison, 256-722-0015. VP
THE FRET SHOP
309 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-430-4729. Guitar, Banjo,
Mandolin, Sales, Instruction and Repair.
www.thefretshop.com. VP
GREEN DOOR BOOKS
121 South Marion Street, Athens, 256-216-1005 Books,
Coffee, Music & More. VP
HAVEN: COMICS, ETC.
7185-H Highway 72 W., Madison, 256-430-0505
www.havencomics.com VP
HDK ENTERTAINMENT
North Alabama & Southern TN Premier Mobile DJ/
Karaoke Service. 256-509-2498
HIT VIDEOS & COLLECTIBLES
515 Jordan Lane, Huntsville, 256-830-6654 VP
HUMIDOR PIPE SHOP
2502 S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-539-6431
Cigars, Pipes, Pipe Tobacco, Lighters, Accessories, Pipe
Repair. M-F 10-6.
www.humidorpipeshop.com VP
INTERIOR MARKETPLACE
Hwy. 431, Hampton Cove, Huntsville,
256-539-9113 VP
IT’S JUST LUNCH
256-519-3600. Dating for Busy Professionals
LADAGE ARTISTRY
321 S. Jefferson, Athens,256-216-0039.
Hair Salon, Day Spa & Art Boutique. Tue-Sat,
9 am-7 pm. http://ladage.dews.net VP
MAIN STREET SOUTH
7500 Memorial Pkwy SW, Huntsville. Pick up the Valley
Planet inside, under the clock tower. VP
NAUGHTY & SPICE
7914 S. Memorial Pkwy, Ste E-14, Huntsville (The Village
Center), 256-880-4884. We cater to all your romance
needs.
NONESUCH GIFTS
804 Wellman in 5 Points, Huntsville. A gift shop for openminded people. Celebrating the diversity of cultures and
lifestyles. www.nonesuchgifts.com VP
PAULI’S GOURMET FOOD & WINE CO.
7143-D Hwy. 72 W, Huntsville, 256-722-0071 VP
PEARLY GATES NATURAL FOODS
VP
2308 Memorial Pkwy., Huntsville, 256-534-6233
PRISM SPORTS THERAPY VP
4715 Whitesburg Drive, Huntsville, 256-880-7776
QUEST PERSONALS
256-704-1100. Call, Click, Connect
www.questpersonals.com
RAILROAD BAZAAR (5 locations) VP
200 Oakwood Ave., Huntsville,256-536-1222
7950 Hwy. 72 W, Madison, 256-721-9303
936 US Hwy. 72, Athens, 256-216-9383
1801 Beltline, Decatur, 256-353-8121
RED JASPER SPA
211 A 2nd Ave. SE, Decatur, 256-584-0027
www.redjasperspa.com VP
RED LIGHT VIDEO VP
2900-E Triana Blvd. Huntsville. Huntsville’s newest “All
Ratings” Superstore. VHS, DVD, Novelties, Magazines.
256-536-0482
ROBBINS MUSIC CENTER
2810 Bob Wallace Ave, Huntsville, 256-539-2474
1-800-569-6718. Mon-Sat 10-6, All instruments. All lessons. www.robinsmusic.com VP
RUSTY STRING GUITARS
820 Bradley St., Decatur, 256-355-6011. Specializing in
used Guitars & Amps, Drumsets. Only Hamer Dealer in
North Alabama. VP
SALON SALON
7525-A S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville 256-880-2466.
Waxing & Facials, Hair, Nails (manicures & pedicures),
Tanning, Full Retail Center. M-F 9-5, Sat 9-1. VP
SHAVER’S BOOK STORE
2362 Whitesburg Dr, Huntsville, 256-536-1604 VP
SOUND ON WHEELS
2807 University Dr., Huntsville, 256-533-9422 VP
STRINGS ‘N’ BRASS
409 Pratt Ave, Huntsville, (across from Sonic)
256-533-9088. www.stringsnbrass.com VP
SUNBURST RECORDS
4001 Holmes Ave., Huntsville 256-830-8079 VP
T SHEPARD’S DISCOUNT MUSIC
1900 S. Memorial Pkwy, 256-533-7944. Buy-Sell-TradeConsignment VP
WEST STATION ANTIQUES
112 Main Street, Madison, 256-772-0373.
565 to Exit 8 - Exit North to Main Street.
Hours: Tues-Sat 10-5. VP
CHANDLER WHETHAM SALON & DAY SPA
7900 Bailey Cove Road, Ste. 7A, Huntsville
256-881-9573, 256-881-4980 VP
DR. EDDIE’S STEREO OUTLET
6777 Highway 431 S, Hampton Cove,
256-539-5554 www.dreddies.com
THE DREAM MAKER
11220 S. Memorial Pkwy, Huntsville, 256-883-8446. Promoting Harmony & Health through Nature. VP
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
25
Lead Story
Editor Frank Kelly Rich’s bimonthly tribute to overdrinking -- the magazine Modern
Drunkard -- is a 50,000-circulation glossy “about drinking and only about drinking,
and not just drinking, but heavy drinking,” he told the Los Angeles Times in January.
Recent features included biographies of great drunks, a dictionary of bar slang, and a
testimonial on how drinking cured one man’s fear of flying. “The most accomplished
people,” Rich said, “have been drinkers,” and he implied that people in the Middle East
ought to drink more. Calling serious drinkers an “oppressed minority,” Rich said he
himself has about eight drinks a day, sometimes up to 30 (when he frequently blacks
out). Said Rich’s wife, of her husband’s career, “When you find your calling, you have to
go with it.”
Chuck Shepherd, photo Bob
Baggett Photography
Time Is of the Essence
Austrian artist Muhammad Mueller
started a project in November, as political
commentary, in which two people at a
time dig a tunnel from the city of Graz to
Gradec, Slovenia, 42 miles away, using only
shovels; he estimated the venture would
take 5,600 years. And in July, a federal
appeals court rejected the Environmental
Protection Agency’s leak-safety standards
for the long-awaited nuclear waste
repository at Nevada’s Yucca Mountain;
EPA had found the proposed site safe until
the year 12,000 A.D., but the court said
that wasn’t long enough (and noted that
one National Academy of Sciences report
recommended protection until the year
302,000 A.D.)
Achieving the Perfect Society
(1) In the fall of 2004, Ron Nunn
Elementary school (Brentwood, Calif.)
ended its “Golden Circle” program, which
officials soured on because it honored only
kids with good grades, and established
in its place the “Eagle Society,” which
also celebrates personal, nonacademic
achievements. The principal said he could
not bear to see the sad faces of kids left
out of the Golden Circle and wanted “all of
our kids to be honored.”
Women Scorned
Olga Abramovich, 49, was arrested in
Brooklyn, N.Y., in October and charged
as the person who, in a rage, had painted
as many as 20 swastikas on buildings
and cars in predominantly Jewish
neighborhoods; police said Abramovich, a
Christian, was upset that her ex-husband
had re-married to a Jewish woman 14
years younger than she. And Julie Rose,
37, was convicted of assault in Yeovil,
England, in October, for angrily slapping a
new neighbor; the victim had apparently
provoked Rose by declining her welcometo-the-neighborhood suggestion that the
Roses and the new couple engage in mateswapping.
Improvised Poetic Devices
According to an October Los Angeles Times
dispatch from Yemen, one government
solution to “tam(e) the violent underside”
of the nation’s tribal culture is to fund
itinerant poets to roam the country and
channel lawlessness into constructive
thoughts. Illustrative of most Yemenis’
opposition to both American influence and
their own government is this verse: “The
Arab army is just to protect the leaders/
They build their rule on the pain of the
people/Democracy is for the rich/If the
poor man tries it, they’ll call him a thief.”
(And in October, National Liberty Fund
published a book of poems by Sami AlArian, written from his cell while awaiting
trial in Florida on federal charges of aiding
26
the terrorist Palestinian Islamic Jihad.
Sample: “(Was it) worth playing global
police/even if it meant half-million Iraqis
deceased.”)
Bright Ideas
-- Thailand Prime Minister Thaksin
Shinawatra’s November project to bring
peace to strife-torn southern provinces
fell short of its goal, as resistance by
separatists hardened. Shinawatra had
airdropped about 100 million origami
paper peace doves (which, unfortunately,
wound up more resembling cranes) from
military aircraft, some with prize coupons
attached, hoping to distract people from
their grievances.
-- The renegade Mormon splinter group
headed by Warren Jeffs and holed up
mostly in a few small towns in Utah and
Arizona was largely responsible for the
collapse of the Bank of Ephraim, according
to Utah regulators interviewed for a
December Associated Press report. Church
officials had taken a secret oath to borrow,
furiously, as much money as they could,
because according to Jeffs, the world was
about to end anyway, and they wouldn’t
have to pay it back.
-- Antonio Hernandez, 29, pleaded guilty
in Salt Lake City in December to hijacking
a Greyhound bus that had just left Green
River, Utah, intending to use it to smash
into his estranged wife’s trailer home. He
was stopped at the hijack scene, but if he
hadn’t been captured, he would still have
had to drive the bus all the way to the
woman’s home, in Lexington, Neb., 500
miles away.
-- Sylvain Didier (a mechanic by profession)
was found guilty of sexual assault in
Longueuil, Quebec, in December stemming
from a self-invented procedure (the
“Slimtronic”) he was offering to female
customers of his wife’s weight-loss clinic.
The Slimtronic supposedly took off pounds
via electrical currents passed through
rubber patches placed on the vulva, and
one woman who agreed to the procedure
filed charges against Didier after he kept
moving the patches around with his
probing fingers.
People Different From Us
Howard Goldstein, 47, was charged with
murdering his landlord and fellow Orthodox
Jew, Rabbi Rahamin Sultan, in October
in Brooklyn, N.Y., in a rent dispute, and
police said that when they knocked on the
door to investigate Sultan’s disappearance,
Goldstein answered dressed (according to
the New York Post) in a gray blouse “with
a plunging neckline,” slacks, and pink
high-heeled shoes, and wearing bright red
lipstick and blue eye shadow “that clashed
with his long beard.” A search of his room
turned up pre-beard snapshots of Goldstein
in an array of fashions and wigs.
Least Competent Perverts
Stephen Kauff, 33, was arrested in
Westerville, Ohio, in December in a police
Internet sex sting but told officers, when
he arrived for a long-arranged meeting
with an alleged “14-year-old girl” at an
apartment complex, that he really wasn’t
interested in sex but was just curious
whether police actually do set up sex
stings over the Internet. (Answer: Yes)
And Ian Finlay, 28, also caught in an
Internet sex sting, had denied that he had
sex on his mind when he showed up for a
long-arranged meeting with a “15-year-old
girl” at a McDonald’s in Hempfield, Pa.;
Finlay claimed that he knew “she” was a
cop and wanted to outsmart the cop by
pretending to be a sex predator and that
he was angry at being arrested before he
could reveal his “hoax.” (He was convicted
in January.)
Recurring Themes
Latest in Upscale Pet Care: Much plastic
surgery on dogs, said Brookline, Mass.,
veterinarian Scott Groper, is done for
medical reasons (e.g., Boston terriers’
small noses interfere with breathing),
but vanity (but not the dog’s vanity)
sometimes plays a role, as Los Angeles
surgeon Alan Schulman told the Boston
Herald in January. “Most of the time,”
he said, “it’s women who have already
done everything they possibly could to
themselves and are starting to (make over)
their dogs,” with pooches’ low-hanging lips
and drooling problems being the primary
reasons for dog face-lifts.
Obsessions
British garbage collector Tim Byrne is
not only eager to get to work every day,
according to a report in London’s Sun
newspaper, but for the past 11 years, he
has voluntarily hauled trash alongside
local collectors while on holiday in vacation
spots such as Tenerife and Mallorca. Said
Byrne, “(R)ubbish plays such a large role
in my life that I simply don’t need to (get
away from it).
Nonlethal war tactics suggested by an Air
Force research team in the 1990s were
made public in December by the military
watchdog organization Sunshine Project
and included a recommendation to expose
enemy troops to powerful aphrodisiacs in
order to distract them into lustful hookups
with each other (irrespective of gender).
(The Pentagon said the idea was dropped
almost immediately, but the Sunshine
Project said it was discussed as recently
as 2001.) Other ideas: giving the enemy
severe halitosis (so they could be detected
within a civilian population), overrunning
enemy positions with rats or wasps, and
creating waves of fecal gas.
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
#020305021605
Scenes of the Surreal
(1) In a December demonstration against
the opening of a McDonald’s in the
Mediterranean town of Sete, France,
about 500 protesters, using a homemade
catapult, bombarded the restaurant with
fresh catches of the area’s renowned
delicacy, octopus. (2) NASA announced in
October it was retiring the KC-135 plane
it had long been using to train astronauts
for weightlessness in flight; an official told
reporters that the air crews had kept track
of the amount of astronaut vomit cleaned
up over the years and that the total was at
least 285 gallons.
Least Competent People
-- A 21-year-old man was hospitalized
in intensive care in Murdoch, Australia
(near Perth), in December following a
barroom stunt in which he put on a helmet
connected to a beer jug, with a hose that
ran between the jug and a pump powered
by an electric drill. The idea was to
facilitate drinking a large quantity of beer
without the laborious tasks of lifting a
glass and swallowing, but the flow was so
powerful that he had to be rushed to the
hospital with a 10-centimeter tear in his
stomach.
-- (1) Samuel Woodrow was convicted of
burglary in Santa Fe, Texas, in December,
one of four men who had broken into a
home. However, the men had fled, emptyhanded, when they were scared away by
overhearing a police call from the video
game Grand Theft Auto (“We have you
surrounded! This is the police!”), which the
resident’s three grandsons were playing
in another room. (2) In January, a 22year-old man robbed a Chevron station in
Vancouver, Wash., and eluded police in a
high-speed getaway, but he then got lost
and wound up back at the same Chevron
station, and, apparently not recognizing
where he was, he asked for directions,
allowing the clerk to notify police, who
soon arrested him.
Grown-Ups
-- Charles Bonney, 67, and Victor Harris,
36, were detained by police in Godfrey, Ill.,
in December after squaring off in their
vehicles (Chevrolet Camaro and Acura
Integra) and repeatedly ramming each
other in the street and then in the parking
lot of C&W Auto Glass, because of their
ongoing feud over a woman. Eventually,
only Bonney faced criminal charges.
-- Amid a recent, stepped-up wave of
parental violence in kids’ sports contests
(e.g., choking a basketball coach in Akron,
Ohio; choking a hockey referee in Toronto),
a woman was barred from the Greater
Toronto Hockey League in December
following an altercation between parents
of the 11-year-olds who were playing.
According to a witness, the woman lifted
THE VALLEY PLANET
The Valley Planet Music Exchange is FREE to any individual looking to buy, sell, trade or find bandmates. You get a headline and 3 lines of text for
the low, low price of nothing. If you wish to embellish your ad further, say, with a small photo (add $5) or more words (add $1 per line), it’s up to
you. Now, if you are a business, you gotta pay a little something, $12 per column inch. Please call Matt Wake at (256) 858-6736 if you would like
to put your business in the Exchange. Email your ads to classifieds@valleyplanet.com or send them by snail mail to Music Exchange, P.O. Box 335,
Meridianville, AL 35759. NO AD WILL RUN UNTIL PAYMENT HAS BEEN RECEIVED!
SUCCESSFUL LOCAL BAND
looking for business-minded
booking agent to book dates in
the southeast region
Call for Interview 256-426-1525
AT STRING’S N BRASS
you get internet pricing AND
home town service EVERYDAY
Unbelivable pricing on guitars &
amps with great technical support
409 Pratt ave. 533-9088
12-6 daily
Seasoned, Established Male
Country Vocalist
looking to establish band
256-303-8096
Experienced Drummer
for Hire
12+ yrs experience live/studio.
Extremely versatile. References available.Isaac Gibson
(Ike8Sec@charter.net)
256-318-5507
SAX PLAYER
Reggie “Buga” Smith. Available
for gigs, parties and special
occassions.
256.882.0879
Acoustic Guitar For Sell
Seagull Artist Series w/ LR Baggs
Pickup $600
For info e-mail:
wsphish@comcast.net
Drummer Available, METAL
rounderrj@bellsouth.net
256.353.8944
DRUMMER WANTED
for Reggae Mystics
Must be easy going & love
reggae. Willing to do original
material and record
Zuva @ 256.348.0744
Drivin’ South Blues/Rock band
looking for experienced vocalist.
Must have equipment and be
able to sing the blues.
Call 256-498-0732 for audition.
Experienced Drummer for Hire
12+ yrs experience live/studio.
Extremely versatile. References available. Isaac Gibson
Ike8Sec@charter.net
256-318-5507
SINGER
Local emo/screamo band
Must be dedicated, age 16-25
Influences: Taking Back Sunday,
Yellow Card, Brand New, Linkin
Park, Blink 182, The Used.
Jeff @ 529.0132
BASS PLAYER NEEDED
Classic rock, blues, originals
233.0619 home,
431.0677 cell
hospital personnel discovered that the
parts had been shipped and were in fact in
the crashed UPS truck, and someone was
dispatched to the scene of the accident to
retrieve them.
-- According to the British parents’
organization Bullywatch, which issued blue
wristbands to students to publicize the
campaign against school bullying, any kid
wearing the wristbands was immediately
targeted for attack by bullies (December).
Recurring Themes
Latest From the Class-Action Lawyers’
Money Tree: (1) The six lawyers who
helped 83 Wal-Mart workers win about
$2,500 each (for being improperly denied
overtime pay) asked the Portland, Ore.,
judge in December for fees totaling $2.57
million, about 12 times the clients’ total
winnings (citing the difficult work, WalMart’s contentiousness and the case’s
implications beyond their 83 clients). (2)
And when phone company customers won
$25 refunds in a September class-action
settlement with Ameritech in Madison
County, Ill., lawyers got $1.9 million in
legal fees; a local watchdog group said
#020305021605
GUITARIST
Bassist & Drummer looking for
guitarist for new project.
Loud, aggressive, vintage rock
with old school punk elements
(The Who, Fleshies, Stooges,
Husker Du).
Andrew / Ken @ 894.7107
MUSICIANS WANTED
Versatile, experienced musicians
wanted. Lead guitar, bass, drums,
keys. Practice 1-2 times a week.
Serious inquiry only.
Call Ashley @ 256.931.2111
2ND GUITARIST NEEDED
for hardcore band
Influences: Deftones, Mudvayne,
Nothingface, Coal Chamber, Tool,
Sevendust, etc.
Justin 256.337.5827
PRO DRUMMER
Seeks country band
Chris @ 256.222.6440
Ironies
-- On Dec. 20, a United Parcel Service
driver was involved in a crash on an icy
road near Keene, N.H., suffered a head
injury, and was taken to Cheshire Medical
Center, where tests were to be performed,
except that the required machine for them
was broken (though parts were on order).
After checking the status of the order,
EXPERIENCED Guitar Player
needed for collaboration on
melodic rock songs.
Call david @ 256.705.5253
between 8-5
CHRISTIAN DRUMMER
needed for metal band,
“Mindsize,” Influences - Pantera,
older Pantera, Machinehead, etc.
Jonathan @ 256.244.9311
(after 4 p.m.)
BASS PLAYER NEEDED
For original 5 piece rock band.
Must have own gear and be
able to practice 1-2 times/week.
No drugs, no egos. InfluencesNirvana, Pearl Jam, Sex Pistols,
Radiohead. Donnie @ 216.0903
her top above her shoulders (in the style of
guests on “The Jerry Springer Show”) and
“shook (her breasts, while wearing a bra)
side to side,” then yelled at other parents,
“What the hell are you looking at? Have
you never seen (breasts)?”
-- Cameron Miller, 19, was arrested in
Alexandria, La., on Christmas Day and
charged with firing shotgun blasts at
his mother, stepfather and stepbrothers
as they drove away because Miller was
unhappy that he did not get money for
Christmas but instead got only music
CDs. And on the day after Christmas
in Feasterville, Pa., according to police,
Steven Murray, 21, set his parents’ house
on fire because he was angry at having
received no presents.
THE VALLEY PLANET
MUSICIANS WANTED
Mountain Valley Arts Council is
reviewing its Lakeside Summer
Concert 2005 booking season.
MOVA Arts Festival finalists
are automatically considered.
Other musicians can send CD,
tape or video, photograph and
contact info to MVAC Booking
Committee, 300 Gunter Ave,
Guntersville, AL 35976.
(based on experience) only about 10
percent of eligible customers would bother
to apply for refunds, meaning that lawyers’
fees would ultimately account for about 60
percent of the amount Ameritech pays out.
Thinning the Herd
A 70-year-old woman was fatally struck
by two cars as she, wielding a knife,
chased her husband into the street during
an argument (Springfield Township, Pa.,
November). And a 43-year-old passenger
was fatally injured, after he, sitting in the
back seat, began beating up the driver,
causing him to lose control and smash into
a tree. (The driver survived.) (Newport
News, Va., November) And a 54-year-old
man was killed after a road rage duel
with another driver when he got out of
his car, lunged after the other car while
it was moving, missed, and hit his head
(Jacksonville, Fla., August).
A Way With Words
(1) “(You’ll) have no teeth left in (your)
mouth (if you keep that attitude)”
(allegedly said by Sister Catherine
Iacouzze of St. Cecelia School in Iselin,
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 2
N.J., to an 11-year-old boy who had sassed
her). (The sister was fired in December.)
(2) “(W)e do not think it rises to the
level of a safety defect” (said Chrysler
spokesman Max Gates in December,
fighting a threatened recall of 600,000
Dodge Durango and Dakota trucks even
though, Gates acknowledged, “upper ball
joint separation” might make the trucks’
wheels fall off).
Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd
P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679
or WeirdNews@earthlink.net
or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2004 CHUCK SHEPHERD
DISTRIBUTED BY
UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE
4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111;
(816) 932-6600
27

Get Fat or Go Home Love in a Calculator Love Is Blind

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