boo boo records boo boo records boo boo records

Comics & Games
Editor’s
Note
Jan 2012
CLEAN
They say the world is run
by those who show up, and in
my book, it doesn’t matter if
you show up with a number two
pencil or a crappy guitar.
Send me your show listings,
art, stories, reviews, hate mail,
love letters, missing pet photos,
band interviews, rantings, ravings
and weird classifieds. In other
words, send me your voice and
I’ll lend you my ear. Let’s keep
Swap! free, monthly and growing.
FRIENDLY
PROFESSIONAL
CUSTOM
Thanks to all that had a hand
in this first issue, my friends and
family, boyfriend, band mates and
baristas.
778 Marsh Street, SLO!
Hayley Thomas, editor
Contributors
Colby Courter
Neal Breton
Reid Cain
Dan Wityak
Ashley Reanbow
Leslie Gengo
Leah St. James
Jasmine Gonsalves
Send writing, art & ad
inquiries to
Swapzineslo@gmail.com
1
Getting burly with Jono Fredrick
You can call him a mediocre mountain man,
W
but when’s the last time you ate fresh snake stew?
hen my friend Jono decided to give it all up
and move to the wilderness of Big Sur for a
stint, I’ll admit that I didn’t have much faith
that he’d come back. A lean, half Korean 26-year-old
with a good-natured smile and a heart he wore proudly
on his sleeve, I worried that the bears would grind his
bones. At the very least, he could break his ankle and
fall in a ditch. The worst-case scenario? A cute hiker
might break his heart.
Any way I sliced it, things didn’t look swell for
Jonathon Fredrick.
“It was kind of weird looking around thinking it
could be the last time I see my friends,” he said of that
last breakfast (what else, but biscuits and gravy). At
the bar, friends began a pool, guessing which day he’d
return. In all, Jono spent about a month alone in the
wild. I picked his brain recently.
“I hadn’t taken a vacation for three years and I had
a heartbreak,” he said. “It wasn’t the worst heartbreak
of my life, but it was the last one.” At the time, Jono’s
life consisted of playing video games in his studio
apartment in Morro Bay, cooking, hanging with
friends and surfing. Not bad, but not mind-bendingly
awesome.
“I saw [leaving for the wilderness] as a crazy
fantasty,” he said.“The more I lived the same way
every day, the more I couldn’t stand it. I had to change
something. I thought, ‘I really hate where I am right
now and I want adventure.’” So, as is his signature
way, Jono screamed “fuck it all!” in the safest way
possible. He gave his job a month’s notice (his boss
even encouraged him, saying he’d done something
nutty like that as a youth), moved out of his apartment,
told his parents the plan and even tried out shooting
and scavenging first. He killed one squirrel, which
seemed promising. He made up his mind to go.
“The only things I could say were holding me back
were the things that I wanted to give up anyway,” he
said.
The survival list included radios, a solar panel,
video camera (a self-made documentary is in the
works), tent, gun, food, cooking supplies, tools, clothing and a gallon-worth of Tang.
“The foliage was like...you had to crawl through
this stuff. It’s over your head, there’s no trail and
2 you have to break branches,” said Jono, admitting
Where’s your show? Before you get pissy, send us an e-mail. We’ll get you in.
Ongoing
Sundays: Pour House Blues Jam, 4 p.m.
Mondays: Frog and Peach, Toan’s Open Jam 9 p.m.
Sweet Springs Saloon, Open Mic
Tuesdays: Creekside Brewery, Open Mic Night, 9 p.m.
Wednesdays: (1st & 3rd ) Sanitarium Music Nights (local variety)
7 p.m., $5
Thursdays: Creekside, Gypsy Jazz, 10 p.m.
Bru Coffee House, Open mic, 6 p.m.
Jonothan “Jono” Fredrick spent about a month
exploring the Fontana wilderness preserve this
past fall. Here he is looking world-worn and weary
on one of his last days out.
that the rain made his cool machete virtually useless.
The rubbery, wet foliage was all around him, and it
was a slow journey down the lush canyon. Then, it got
wetter. Jono hiked the next few days, searching for a
good place to set up a permanent camp. His boots - not
waterproofed - were instantly soaked through. He
wore miserable mud-covered sandals until the weather
cleared. After four days, Jono found his place: Hidden
in the valley, up a hill and near a trickling stream.
Clinging to the side of the mountain, he dug a hole in
the dirt in the middle of the night and set up his tent. It
took a week and a lot of work with a hand-cutting saw
to build his fantasy tree fort. Six-by-ten-feet in size,
part of his new home was level with the ground, with
the other side jetting over a sheer 20-foot drop.
With food supplies dwindling, Jono said he made
a quick transition from building mode to hunter. He
killed a four-foot-long snake, skinned it and made
stew.
“I had hunting trails set up for a week and set up
traps to catch animals,” he said. “I used snare wires
and rat traps and spring traps. You get a branch, pull
it down and tie a rope to it and have a little noose set
up. When they go for the bait, it triggers and you hopefully catch an animal.” After four days of not catching
anything, Jono was tired. Just getting water took most
of his reserves. Long out of caffeine and smokes and
with a gurgling gut, he abandoned the fort in search of
See page 13
sustenance.
White Buffalo, SLO Brew, 7:30 p.m.
1/12 - The Death Tower, The Z
1/14 - Alice Bag, Boo Boo Records: 6:30pm
Hayburner, Pour House, 8:30pm
1/15 - Adolescents, SlO Brew, 7:30
1/16 - Sarah Blackwood, Johnnys, Lompoc
1/18 - The Galt Line, Pour House, 7 p.m.
1/5 - The Dirty Stomp w/ The Dead Volts and Ghosts of Guadelupe,
Pour House, 8:15 p.m.
1/20 - Cuesta Ridge, Cayucos Tavern
Red Eye Junction, Camozzi’s, 8 p.m.
1/6 - The Probes, Fuel Dock, 9 p.m.
1/27 - Han Solo’s Baby, Nasty, Magazine Dirty,Bad Jeans,
Teutonics: $5/raffle prizes, The Z, 9 p.m.
1/7 - Ghosts of Guadalupe, Frog and Peach
Natalie Haskins, Linnaea’s, 8 p.m.
Lakes, Boo Boo Records, 5 p.m.
Three Legged Dawg, SLO Down Pub, 7:30 p.m.
1/28 - Soundhouse, Pour House, 8:30 p.m., $5,
The Mother Corn Shuckers, Merrimaker, 9:30 p.m.
Axia, Camozzi’s, 9 p.m.
s
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I
n the annals of polite conversation, one never brings up politics or
religion. If you inhabit San Luis Obispo, you
might want to add “places to get coffee” to that
list. Everyone has a stern opinion which bean
brewing abode is top dog and each is willing to
fight to the last drop to defend it.
SLO is a culinary desert, the masses
choking on bland, empty-calorie pizza and
cooked lumps of sauce-slathered flesh and forgettable rounds of sushi. The coffee around here,
however, can rightfully be called a legitimate
culture. You could go about ten days before getting your second sideways look from a barista.
Here’s a 7-day excursion through the caffeinated
landscape:
Monday, Day 1
Bello Mundo Café, 980 Monterey Street
A petite corner shop with a very knowledgeable barista. My Americano was bold and
eye opening, but really, really hot. I had to leave
it alone for a five spot until it was cool enough to
drink. The croissant was delicious and the cupcakes are inconsistent but often tasty. They can
seat about half a dozen people comfortably, but
at least the building and the outside are inviting
to do so.
Tuesday, Day 2,
Sally Loo’s Wholesome Café, 1804 Osos
Street
I would have gone to Sally’s on
Monday, but for some reason they are closed.
Coffee junkies are hard-pressed to think of a day
more important for their fix than Monday. The
4
staff is just
awesome at Sally’s, even if it does take a little
longer than normal to get your order in at times.
The coffee, Intelligencia, is rich and sweet – I
rarely need to put anything in it. They have a
decent-sized menu for a coffee joint, serving egg
dishes and quiches alongside what I consider the
best baked goods in town.
Wednesday, Day 3
Kreuzberg, CA, 685 Higuera Street
If I had to pick the most impactpunching place to open up in SLO during the
last five years, the Kreuz would be it. But I don’t
need to tell you that, hipster. Since the grand
re-opening on Higuera, it has become THE place
to meet, have coffee or beer, see a band or grab
a bite from one of the most progressive menus in
town. I consider culinary progressiveness in SLO
anyone who prepares tofu and doesn’t make a
joke about it. The coffee is the strongest in town,
and their blueberry muffin is worth taking a bullet for.
Thursday, Day 4
West End Espresso 670 Higuera Street
The owners of West End must of let
out a deep sigh when they saw Kreuzberg move
to their side of town. However, they’ve still got
the advantage of boasting a smaller, more peaceful atmosphere. West End is known for its cozy
feel – it’s a place you can sit down with a book
and not get too distracted. Their coffee is good
and the staff seems to know what they’re doing.
Saturday, Day 6
THE MARQUEES
Linnaea’s Café, 1110 Garden Street
This place is an institution for most. I almost
feel like I shouldn’t be writing this, as I know
many people whom are employed there. It is
from an unbiased mouth that I can say that
they pull the best espresso shot in town. The
staff knows what they are doing and it can
come across with the heavy hand of an elitist
when patronizing them, but it has been worse.
The menu is concise and well done. They have
vegan baked goods often and the patio is usually the best place to sit.
Sunday, Day 7
Nautical Bean Café 1028 Chorro Street
The coffee at the Nautical Bean is top notch,
served super hot and usually without a wait.
I won’t lie, they do employ some handsome
looking ladies to sling their liquid gold. I get
lost looking at their menu, so I don’t order from
it. The blueberry muffin is worth it if you’re in
the mood. I have never been able to sit in this
place. Seriously, kick those Poly campers out,
buying a small coffee doesn’t give you license
to write your thesis all day. I usually sit at the
Mission when I go to the Bean. Now that I’ve
said that, you should just buy your coffee and
wait for a table, don’t bother me, I’m trying to
feed the bear statue.
Photo by Jasmine Gonsalves
When this interview was conducted, The Marquees
were a local rock n’ roll band based out of Nipomo.
Their last show was on Dec. 16. We decided to run the
story in memory of a great local band. The members
were: Jason (drums), William (lead guitar and vocal),
Rachel (bass), and Garland (rhythm guitar and vocals).
Garland: A little distract,
yeah…William: Lots of
haircuts too… Jason: Haircuts everyday…Garland:
But once we started, we got
it going.
Elite athlete and champion
Dan Wityak, circa ‘06.
by Dan Wityak
SWAP: Tell me a little
bit about yourselves and
how the band got started.
Garland: Jason and William were in an old band
before our band and they
wanted to quit once I got
back in town. I met up with
them through their lead
singer at the time. They
quit their band and we
started our own band, The
Marquees. But it took us
Dan Wityak is a local musician, KCPR DJ, and a fourth year
about a month to get to that
Political Science student at Cal Poly. Turn ons include vinyl point. William: Because
records, beat-up guitars, and disposable cameras. Turn offs we were drinking and doing
include computers, reggae, and not getting hit on constantly. lots of drugs… Jason: So
Dan also likes wearing corduroy pants and going on long
we were a little distracted…
* Editor’s note: You may have noticed
that “Day 5” was omitted from this story, although
the witty Mr. Breton did indeed visit yet another local
coffee joint (start guessing!). I’m not one to casually censor, especially when it comes to an issue as
pertinent as coffee, but I hope Neal will thank me in
the long run. After all, the all-important baked goods
were still alright and I’m ensuring that they stay that
way (without spit that is).
drives in his ‘78 Mercedes 300d.
SWAP: In terms of a goal,
do you see this band going
anywhere?
Rachel: Not in this area,
once we get out of this area.
SWAP: So where are you
going to move to?
Garland: Don’t know.
Rachel: Wherever this
wind blows… William:
Indianapolis… Jason: Timbukthree… Rachel: L.A…
William: Mexico…
SWAP: What kind of beer
do you guys drink?
Rachel: Coors! William:
Tecate! Jason: Modelo tall
cans…and Coors in a can.
Garland: Yeah…
SWAP: So are we talking
Coors Light or Coors?
Marquees: COORS!
William: Original Yellow
Bellies!
See page 9
5
Like a broken
record
Music, hair, art: Mr. Campbell
keeps it classy (and trashy)
as
om
y Th
ayle
H
C
urtis Campbell has some serious ADD issues, and sometimes smashing records is the
best drug. We’re sitting at his
favorite lunch haunt, Panda Express,
and the well-dressed man is putting
down heaps of greasy orange chicken
like it’s going out of style.
The wacky Magazine Dirty front
man and full time hairdresser explains
that it’s “all about working with new
mediums.” That’s apparently the
only cure for his raging case of adult
attention deficient disorder. Case in
point: Curtis’s colorful art collection
currently on display at Faces a la
Mode Salon, where he also works as
educational director and humble cut
and colorist.
The three metallic acrylic portraits
feature his personal rock ‘n’ roll music
greats embellished with bits upon bits
of shiny, black vinyl. The effect is
mixed-media pop art with more than
a touch of trash. And who’s on heavy
rotation in Curtis’ turbulent brain?
Keith Moon, Link Wray and The Sonics. When it comes to rock ‘n’ roll, he
says each piece represents “style,”
6
Dirty Curtis does
“The Bullwinkle.”
“attitude” and “origin.”
“They all have that
contribution to the attitude before
proto-punk came around,” says Curtis,
waving his Panda chopsticks with exuberance. “They’re like the first punk
rockers. That’s why I used broken records. The Sonics really brought R&B
to rock ‘n’ roll and started doing Little
Richard stuff but like, white-boy style.
They were the first people to really
scream. Link Wray, guitar-wise, pretty
much invented the power chord and
was the grandfather of punk. Then,
Keith Moon, he had the attitude.”
Curtis explains (in his slightly
lower-pitched punk historian voice)
that The Who were never really
“mods, per se,” they were just “dirty
rockers who were dressed up in nice
suits,” and hell, who doesn’t like a
well-cut pair of slacks?
“Keith Moon was the epitome of,
‘I do drugs and rock n roll and bang
on things,” he exclaims with a hearty
chuckle. “I mean, come on, he had
missing teeth!”
Considering the fact that my in-
terviewee and band mate is currently
donning impossibly shiny shoes and a
dapper gray suit with an impeccably
folded hanky nestled in his breast
pocket, I take his word for it. The guy
knows his fashion.
He also knows his chain Chinese
food, is a self-proclaimed “furniture
snob” and reads Manga online, but
that’s just the first layer to the strange
onion that is Curtis. I’m still peeling
the layers off.
Curtis says he was inspired to use
vinyl records as a medium when he
saw some interesting art at a gallery
in New York, but that stuff was more
“collage-like, mosaic-esque.”
By comparison, Curtis’s pieces are
more meticulous, and he says the work
was often tedious. Snippets of vinyl
were carved out (sometimes with the
tiniest of toe-nail clippers) specifically
for Moon’s iconic mop top. Just the
right shiny shards comprise the cartoonish cluster of lighting bolts emanating from The Sonics’ silhouettes.
Curtis said he may have gone for
“3-D and chaotic” vibe, but in a funny
way, the records themselves are less
than hardcore – mostly stuff that never
sold - some ill-fated folk gems and
Polish flops.
As it turns out, vinyl isn’t the easiest medium to work with – not by a
long shot. It sure as hell warps in the
backseat of your car at the drop of a
hat, but it won’t break.
“Everyone thinks of 78’s, because
those things just shatter when you
drop ‘em on the ground, but records
literally have to be bent in half to snap.
I broke up a bunch, and then I’d go
through and break up smaller pieces
to fit in the lines,” Curtis explains,
adding that he rubbed Clorox rags
over the metallic silver, black and gold
acrylics to bring out the most favorable, trashy textures.
In all, Curtis spent about 20 hours
on all three pieces (thanks to his wife,
From pg 5 - Marquees
Garland: Yes, the band
beer is Coors Original.
Jason has got it flat out!
William: Yeah, that’s why
he’s so sad all the time…
SWAP: So right before a
show has anybody in your
band ever been too drunk
too play? To the point to
where either you shouldn’t
have played or physically
couldn’t play?
William: Both has happened… Garland: We’ve
done it all, all of us. Each
and every one has been too
drunk too play. Just too
much of everything and
we all have done it.
SWAP: With this said,
what is the worst show
you’ve ever played?
Rachel: Mr. Rick’s.
Jessi for letting him make
their apartment a mess for
hours a day (She’s a living
doll). And she’ll be glad
to know her rambunctious
gent is already scheming up
a new medium – not like
he doesn’t have enough on
his plate. Aside from hairdressing, he’s also my Magazine Dirty
band mate, shredding the hell out of
his harmonica/vocal chords wherever
they’ll let us rock out.
So what might be next up on the
Campbell agenda? Iggy Pop and the
MC5 adorned with shards of blue,
brown and clear glass bottles. Pop
was, after all, famous for cutting
himself with broken glass.
And sorry kids, he’s not likely to
create a super ‘80s New Kids on the
Block piece covered in ridiculously
hard-to-work-with cassette tape ribbons, although it’s a beautiful (and
lucrative) dream. I already asked.
Curtis has his own premonitions of
William: That was pretty
bad, there have been some
other ones… Garland:
But Mr. Rick’s was really
bad because they were
going to pay us a decent
amount of money and give
us a $100 dollar bar tab…
and I mean, what do they
expect from us? They give
us the $100 dollar bar tab
and want us to do these
shitty reggae and folk
covers. They made us turn
down or amps to one or
two and…well, I mean we
still got paid and still got
that bar tab but it was just
a bullshit night.
SWAP: So what was the
best show you ever played,
or at least the one you had
the most fun playing?
William: Indio was really
fun. SLO Brew was fun…
Jason: Well, it’s really hard
to just pick out one show
the future.
“I want to do interactive pieces.
Paintings that light up…or a robot with
Edison light bulbs as eyes. You could
play your iPod out of his mouth,” he
suggests with just the right tinge of
quiet insanity.
His enthusiasm is infectious. The
boy’s got a healthy obsession with
kitschy curiosities from the ‘60s,
shrunken heads, The Twilight Zone
and the like – which obviously feeds
his imagination to no end. I have
a feeling Curtis could create this
monster/robot/masterpiece if he put his
mind to it.And if the universe has anything to say about it, he certainly will,
too. When we split the fortune cookie,
the curled white paper ended up in his
half. With heavily-tattooed hands, he
gingerly smoothed it out, grinning like
a maniac.
“You will soon achieve perfection.”
God damn it! Please don’t encourage
him any further. It’s getting out of
hand.
specifically, but when we
do play O’Sullivan’s that’s
kind of is like our own
backyard. Rachel: Yeah,
every time we play there
it has been really good.
Garland: Yeah, it gets
better and better and better
each time we play there.
SWAP: My last question:
What does success in the
music world mean to you?
Is it touring or quitting
your day job or is it just
having fun?
Jason: To me success is
just the idea of playing a
show and getting a little
something off my chest
and paying it a little
forward, as music has
done for me. And if I can
do that, then I guess it’s
all good. Now, when I
say music has been good
to me, I’m talking about
when you see a certain
band and you kind of get a
fire up under your ass and
you feel like someone has
turned up the thermostat a
bit. And when I see that,
that is what I want to put
forward. William: For me,
I just want to do something honest. I want to do
something I like, and if I
can do that, then that’s totally fine with me. Rachel:
As long as we’re playing
shows I’m happy. I really
want to go on tour, but as
long as we’re playing I’m
happy. Garland: I’d like
to quit my day job. But my
big though thing is, is that
I love music. Music is my
number one.If every show
I played I had just one kid
come up to me and tell me
that they wanted to start
their own rock n’ roll band
after seeing my band that
would be the best.
7
Punk tigers, flying pigs & alien vixens, oh my!
A
A first look at local sci-fi/fantasy author Leonard Carpenter’s
action-packed summer series
Colby Courter
lien hog transportation – check. Monstrous flesh-devouring beasts – check. Near-naked vixen
princess – check. Articulate, but soft-spoken, royal tigers? - Check!
Local Sci-Fi/Fantasy author, Leonard Carpenter, nervously sipped his ginger ale from
across the coffee shop table while explaining some of the finer points from book one of his forthcoming three part series The Chronicles of Creighton Craven.
“This is the heroine, princess Delisle, and her punk tiger Rathgar,” he explained while
pointing at Ken Kelly’s lavishly illustrated calendar companion to the books.
“The royal line of tigers talk in these books. Their voice box has shifted so they can communicate to the royal family in a deep rumbling purr; but you have to get pretty close to them to hear
it, and not many people want to do that,” chuckled Carpenter.
In book one of Chronicles, 6’5” Navy SEAL, Creighton “Crag” Craven, flies a hopped up
US spacecraft, powered by two giant Soviet rockets, into space to investigate an unidentified interstellar object that appears to be approaching earth. As Crag nears the mysterious celestial body, he finds
himself suddenly being sucked through a mobile wormhole. At the end of his turbulent journey, Crag
is spit out on an earth-like alien planet where he is immediately menaced by the local denizens. Eventually, Crag is able to connect with some native aristocrats, and magical-alien-beast-adventures ensue.
While Chronicles’ alien world is decidedly medieval, Carpenter isn’t shy about genreblending. “The planet is so backwards that they haven’t developed motors, and there had to be bikers...so, in lieu of motorcycles, the alien “bikers” ride real hogs.”
Carpenter is no stranger to Sci-Fi/Fantasy writing, as he boasts an impressive catalogue of
published work beginning in the mid 1980s. After gaining some popularity from stories featured in
anthologies, Carpenter landed his first book deal with Tor Books in 1986. He was to write Conan the
Barbarian novels - eleven of them to be precise; Conan the Renegade, Conan the Raider, and Conan
the Warlord just to name a few.
According to the ‘about the author’ section of his unpublished ebook Fatal Strain, “His
Conan the Barbarian novels...make him the most prolific contributor, living or dead, to the Conan literary saga of the late Robert E. Howard.”
While Carpenter’s Conan novels weren’t hugely popular, he says that on some fan websites
he is rated a B+.
“The biggest thrill I’ve had reading reviews was a quotation from a 12-year-old who was
reading Conan: Lord of the Black River (1996). He said ‘This book rocks!’” explained Carpenter.
However, Lord of the Black River marked the end of an era. After ten years, Carpenter was
done contributing to the Conan pastiche. And while none of his Conan books are still in print, curious
readers can find them online or in used bookstores. Incredibly, Chronicles marks Carpenter’s return as
a published novelist.
While Carpenter believes Chronicles to be his best work to date, he has some reservations
about how it will be critically received. But, just in case things don’t work out, he has a backup plan,
“I’ve been designing some hog riders stickers...If I can’t write a best-selling book at least maybe I can
write a best-selling bumper sticker.”
Look for The Chronicles of Creighton Craven - Book 1: Long Live the Dead King in stores
Summer 2012. Check the calendar out at www.kenkellyfantasyart.com.
8
Local Sci-Fi/Fantasy
author, Leonard
Carpenter.
lly
u/art by Ken Ke
igee Yoshinob
Photo by Mar
Colby is a San Luis native. However, after graduating
from SLO High in 2000, he had the sudden urge to flee.
After traveling Europe for a few months Colby moved
to New York City, where he lived for a little over a year.
Eventually, Colby came to his senses and returned to SLO
where he began attending Cal Poly and earned a degree in
journalism. His stately wife, Kannyn January, and two
strapping sons, Haydn & Asher, are the cat’s pajamas.
9
Behold! The magic of the unigasm
Falling farther down the rabbit xoxo hole...
Navigating the seedy underbelly of online fan-fiction. OMFG!
I
Ashley Raenbow
n case you’re still reeling from the celluloid catastrophe
that was the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1, I’ve
got some thoroughly disheartening news for you: in the
realm of Twilight, things can always get worse.
For example, in the popular work of fan fiction novel,
Breaking Dawn, Edward eats a half human, half demon
Sparklepire baby out of Bella’s uterus. Let me repeat:
Edward eats a baby out of Bella’s uterus.
They dance around this scene in the movie, but if you
don’t believe me, or are simply in the mood for some good,
old fashioned masochism, go ahead and read the book. It’s
in there. As you may have figured out by now, I have no
life. Thus, I’ve delved far deeper into the dank, hideous
underbelly of the various fandoms that I either participate in,
or simply laugh at, than most sane people (with lives) would
ever dare. And I have seen some shit.
I’ve borne witness to the rise and fall and the aftermaths
of the most incendiary flame wars, ship wars, slashfics,
memes, twincest, RANDOM INEFFECTUAL USE OF
CAPSLOCK, trolls, lurkers, sockpuppets, fanfic plagiary
scandals, lexicon hackings, Harry fucking Draco, Harry
fucking Severus, Harry fucking the giant squid while being
sodomized by Voldermort while Buffy and Angel slow
dance in the corner and Boromir touches hobbits and hobbits
touch Legolas while he talks about yaoi (If you don’t know
what half of this shit means, you’re probably a much happier person than I am.)
But thanks to Twilight, there’s a sparkly, lilac-lidded light
at the this dark tunnel of fan-created perversion. In fact,
thanks to one fan, we no longer have to deal with the horror
and the face-reddening humiliation of the reading the word
“orgasm.” No, dear reader, through her deft and subtle manipulation of literary metaphor AngstGoddess003 has taken
the literal climax of the human/vampire sexual experience
and turned it into a unicorn.
Here’s the offending passage from the story, entitled
Wide Awake: AngstGoddess003: “I mentally manifested the
entire concept of the female orgasm into a unicorn.Yes. A
unicorn. A very pretty, white, majestic, non-existent mythical creature that everyone talks about, but you never actually
see first hand.”
But don’t worry, AngstGoddess003 is all about equality.
Edward can have unicorns of his own! And I’m guessing
they’re equally as innocuous, and probably pretty sparkly.
“Just as I was coming down (from the unigasm), I
10 felt him shudder lightly beneath me and groan huskily
C
Painting: Leslie Gengo./Photoshop: Reid Cain
Ashley Raenbow goes for a magical ride with
everyone’s favorite psychologically abusive undead
boyfriend, Edward Cullen.
into my neck...And the realization that I was giving Edward
a unicorn of his very own made me fall over the edge once
more. God freaking bless unicorns.”
AngstGoddess003’s genius really is... unparalleled. Ask
any of her fans:
“My husband and i are now using unicorns as our
little inside jokes…” Here’s another: “I think I got a little
obsessed. This could totally be a book. A freakin’ good one
too. ”
And so on. There’s plenty more where that came from.
This story has nearly 17,000 reviews. Most of them positive.
To make it sicker (and sweeter) each and every one of the
53 chapters is a play off the name of a cookie or dessert or
some... sweet tasty confection of romantic bliss.
So, while you all go back to living your normal (?) lives,
I’ll be busy contemplating any potential double entendres
contained in “Chapter 25: Mocha Desperation Sensations.”
Ashley is a freelance journalist and prides herself
on being well-versed on all things impressively nerdy,
including: Star Wars, Harry Potter, Star Trek, Lord of
the Rings, Joss Whedon shows, the zombie apocalypse,
message boards, useless trivia, RPGs, video games, and
the occasional book. She marvels at the fact that she is
not a badly groomed virgin who reeks of stale Doritos,
X-Box fumes, and regret.
hances are, if you haven’t seen
Lilly Germond or Taylor Belmore playing with their noisy,
avante garde band Rabbit Skeleton
XOXO or been to a boisterous show
at their home/venue BeeGoat House
in Atascadero, you’ve at least seen
them dancing. They very well may be
the last two people alive that actually
dance at live shows and they dance
with something close to pure abandon.
I sat down with the duo after a hearty
Thanksgiving meal done in the traditional BeeGoat style (Lilly pretended
to carve the turkey with a sword, pug
CoaCoa smoked a few cigarettes and
there were some welcomed vocal
outbursts.
Swap People always think you two
are sisters or lesbians.
Lilly: We’re both. Sometimes we
just need to break down those boundaries…Taylor: Especially when
you’re related. And living in the same
house together. I think most people
get us wrong. I don’t think people
fully know what we’re capable of
doing, which is rocking their fucking
brains out.
Swap What is BeeGoat? Why did
you name the house/venue that? Taylor: It is the last unicorn’s advice…
you know… into the future. It’s a
children’s film….
Taylor and Lilly: [Singing in
unison] When the last eagle flies…
over the last lonely mountain…when
the last lion roars over the last flowing
fountainnnnnnn!
Swap: Do you sing together in the
band Rabbit Skeleton xoxo?
Taylor: Lilly’s on drums and I’m
the singer. (Robert is on guitar). I used
to play (dumpster) Didgeridoo, but I
smoke a lot of weed so it’s really hard
to keep my breath.
The gals of Rabbit Skeleton XoXo
hope to host The Aggrolites at the
BeeGoat house this month.
Swap: Tell me about the band. You
guys do impromptu shows.
Lilly: We decided to do it on the
first day of 2011. We sat down and
made some hobo friends and played
for people. There’s different kinds of
hobos. One time there was a metal
hobo.
Swap: Are hobos most of your fan
base?
Taylor: Yeah. And kids who want
to party.
Swap: BeeGoat house shows seem to
be going really well.
TAYLOR: Any money goes to the
touring bands. We made a little over
$100 at our halloween show. There
were tons of people playing here and
showing up. I don’t regret a single
drop of beer that potentially spilled on
our hardwood floors. LILLY: There’s
so many bands that wouldn’t stop by
this town if there wasn’t a spot here to
play. They would go to SLO and just
keep going or go from L.A. to S.F. We
want to stop them and distract them
for a while, so we can get from them
what we need, which is some culture
and fun and party times.
Swap: Is there a favorite band
you’ve had so far? Lilly: We love
Gernany and the Rainbow Party, Night
Howls..Taylor: And the “German”
band... the Teutonics. We had like six
different bands play here at the Halloween show and we prepared for the
Tutonics to play outside because Dan
from Rainbow Party said they were
gonna dump beer all over the place...
thanks Dan!..So, anyway, we spend
all day setting everything up outside.
We had to shut the show down at 10
p.m. We thought they weren’t coming.
The Tutonics showed up at 11:30
and blared the shit out of our house
and there’s people on each other’s
shoulders, people forcing themselves
to vomit and they were fucking loving
it. I saw so many people on shoulders,
taking beers, shaking them, cracking
them open and dumping them. We
woke up the next morning and there
was a whole case-full of beer on the
ground. But it was awesome.
Swap: So what’s coming up?
Taylor: In January, we want to get
the Aggrolites here. I feel like they
can do it. They’ve played at this house
before because our landlord Brian
Wallace knows them and they’ve
stayed here. If we can get people who
really want to see them here...we could
charge $10. They make money touring
and playing music, so...I really want
people to read this [interview]. We
need to be persistent at the door and
we need to make it public. We’ve had
about 100 people here maximum at a
show so far, and none of our stuff has
ever been ruined or stolen. Only our
pin-ups have been kissed and that’s
about it! – Interview by Hayley T.
To find out more on upcoming
BeeGoat shows, check out their
facebook page.
11
Antique Scream
Two dudes, a sweet van and 200 days on tour
If you want to know all
the grimy details – the sex,
drugs and rock n roll – ask
Antique Scream front man
and guitarist Chris Rutledge
himself (Although he’s liable
to keep his mouth shut).
The other half of the band,
drummer William “Bill”
Fees is a longtime friend
and touring companion. I
first caught the Arizonaturned Seattle outfit playing
as a three-piece in New
Orleans. It was pure pulsing
punk energy executed on a
grand scale. We’re talking
indulgent drum solos, plush
ballady, howling vocals and
unapologetically raunchy,
self-satisfying, blues-rock
riffs that leave you feeling
buzzed and a little dirty. The
guys hop in their van every
chance they get, quoting
Tim and Eric and discussing
all the “side-bands” they’ve
been putting off for years
(Neil Diamonds are Forever,
the punk project Martin
Luther McBurger King, etc.).
I caught up with Chris after
a show at Camozzi’s Saloon
on Dec. 17. It was the last
date of a fast and loose “mini
tour” that took their new
van (with couch) through
Portland, Medford and San
Francisco .
SWAP So you toured 200
days in 2011?
CHRIS: More or less, we
spent about 8 months in our
van traveling. It’s awesome. I
like it. It’s tiring I guess, but
I would probably do more if
I could. I’d play pretty
12 much every day.
Swap: Are there any bands
that are playing right now
that are part of your…
Chris: Family? Flexx
Bronco out of San Francisco,
High Class Wreckage, but
they aren’t around anymore, friends in Colorado
Springs…Head Hunt, MF
Ruckus out of Denver, they
always hook us up, Beast
in the Field is one of my
favorites right now…but I’m
not quite awake yet.
Swap: What’s the best place
you’ve been so far touring?
Chris: Fort Collins,
Colorado Springs, Saginaw,
Michigan – the bar holds like
40 people and we play with
Beast in the Field and they’re
like the loudest band in the
world, so it gets fucking
ridiculous in there.
Swap: You lost your bassist
recently.
Chris: We just did a two
month tour and we did it
without him. To put it short,
he wouldn’t do the tour, so
we fired him. We replaced
him with a bass amplifier
instead, and I think people
like us better as a two-piece
anyway.
Swap: Is there anything
different you are doing with
your equipment that sets you
apart?
Chris: Probably playing
through an Ampeg guitar
head. Most people play Marshals, but it’s not low enough
for me. I cut out most of the
tone and use all bass, pretty
much, so it’s real low and
heavy.
Swap: When did you real-
BOO BOO RECORDS
BOO BOO RECORDS
BOO BOO RECORDS
cds/lps/tapes/turntables
books/posters/tees
downtownSLO
booboorecords.com
Antique Scream’s Chris Rutledge and Bill
Fees strike a “rock god” pose alongside
their third member, the van.
ize you had the vocal range
you have?
Chris: This is the only
band I’ve sung for and this
band is so fucking loud, I
had to be heard over how
loud it is…so I guess that’s
how I learned how to sing.
Most bands don’t sing anymore. It’s like a lost art.
Swap: You made it past 27!
Chris: Yeah, which is a
good thing because I wasn’t
a rock star at that point, so…
[laughter].
Swap: Doesn’t the touring
just…get old?
Chris: You’d think so, but
I’ve been touring since I
was 18 so it’s been about 10
years now and I still love it
and what I love to do. I get
anxious at home for a few
months and want to head
out again. Even if there’s
two people there, rock out
and show them a good
show. You’re gonna get us
regardless. I mean, audience
participation makes it more
fun for us…you know, when
everyone’s spitting beer on us
like an old FEAR concert. We
always appreciate that shit.
Swap: What would you do
if you weren’t doing this?
Chris: I’d probably join
the military. They make you
work out, they feed you, they
pay you. That’s cool.
Swap: What about Bill?
Chris: Before the band, he
worked at a hospital cleaning
surgical instruments. I’ve
been playing music with
[Bill] since I was 16. We
played in a death metal band
for 3 years together. A/S is
about six years old and we’ve
been touring for about 4
years straight.
SWAP: Why do you think
you guys never broke up or
went separate ways?
Chris: I guess he’s my other half in music, I suppose.
We get along and we don’t
mind sharing a van together,
which is definitely necessary.
(*A/S returns to SLO County
in the spring!)
-Interview by Hayley
From pg 2 - JONO
“I dropped off half my supplies on
the side of the road, my gun, my
hatchet and took the rest of my food
and bare bones supplies and headed
down to the ocean, cause I know
how to fish,” he said. He hiked 12
miles to Jade Cove. He made the
trip with an injured knee and “the
heaviest pack he’d ever carried.”
Eventually, he found a rock at the
cliff’s edge to hide behind and
settled in. But daybreak brought a
rude awakening.
“After not seeing anyone for
two weeks, I was around a bunch
of tourists,” he said. He yearned for
his grandma’s lasagna while feeling
more than a little astranged from
society. Here he was, trying to live
off land like a wild animal while
happy families dug into their tuna
sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
Even worse, Jono didn’t catch any
fish. He couldn’t seem to cast out far
enough and the line kept tangling
with the rocks.
“All my plans for catching food
and getting food were completey
shot. I had no success whatsoever,”
he said, laughing. “Out there, I felt
like all the animals had me figured
out.” And so, the wannabe mountain
man cashed in his pride, buying
snacks at the one, overpriced liquor
store in the area. Two small bags of
trail mix, one bag of salami and a
bag of baccon, bag of Bugle tobacco
and a tallcan of beer took most of
his cash. Then he went back to the
store and picked up a six pack.
“That first beer tasted so good,”
he mused. Setting up his tent at local
camp sites, Jono took to exploring
nearby peaks by day and sat around
the camp fire at night. He became
simply a “hiker” and then, one
day, he became a hitch hiker. With
thoughts of grandma’s meatballs
dancing in his head, he hiked down
to the road and stuck out his thumb.
Luckily, the second car that passed
picked him up - a nice German
couple on holiday. They drove him
all the way to San Luis Obispo.
“A half our later I’m eating a
turkey and provalone sandwich and
taking a shower. The next day I had
a job in SLO delivering coffee,”
Jono said. My mild-mannered friend
didn’t kill a bear or wrestle a wolf,
but he did stick to his plan of getting
away from it all, which I admire.
“When I got back, everything was
the same,” he concluded. “But I’m
still willing to give up everything
I have.”
* Dalton of Camozzi’s Saloon won
the $80 pool on Jono’s return with
the guess of Saturday, Sept. 29.
Jono returned on Sept. 27. The
bar gave Jono all the money and
he started a tab to buy his
friends free drinks.
13