TCF-SCV Oct. 2015 Newsletter

Fall
Fall has always been my favorite season: Shorter, cooler
days, drives through the mountains to look at the beautiful
colors, raking and jumping in the leaves, football, bonfires,
camping, walking in the dark crisp air with a scary mummy or a
beautiful princess collecting candy from each door, handing out
candy to the sweet little scary faces that come to my door,
getting together with family and diving in to the turkey and other
delectable goodies prepared, waking up at 5AM to get a
jumpstart on Christmas shopping with all the big after
Thanksgiving sales. All the things that make the fall so special to
me are also the exact things that made it so painful after Anna
died.
The shorter days meant less light and my days were
dark enough already. Cooler days just seemed to reflect my
loneliness. Driving anywhere just seemed to bring on the tears I
don't know how I saw to drive through the tears. I couldn't see
the beautiful colors because my world was colored with pain.
No energy to rake or jump, I stayed exhausted. No desire to go
to football games, build fires or camp - my only desire was to
have her back. Halloween became its’ own monster. I couldn't
understand the fun in dressing up as a ghost or bloody,
mutilated body parts or to put tombstones up in the front yard.
What's with that anyway? I wanted John to continue to enjoy
this holiday and dress up, but oh it was hard to see him wanting
to be something that looked like it was “back from the dead”! I
was thankful there weren't many trick-or-treaters that year and
that none of Anna’s friends came to the door. I wasn't sure how
I would have reacted to them.
If I thought Halloween was a monster, how was I going
to make it through the Thanksgiving BEAST- I mean feast?
Thanksgiving is all about family being together (and the turkey of
course). I have a large family and all the chairs were taken, so
even though we didn't have a literal empty chair, there was a lot
empty in me. I'm sure everyone there felt that heavy emptiness,
but no one said anything; it was indeed the elephant in the
room. I couldn't stand it; no one mentioning her name, but I
was so new to this, I didn’t know how to bring a ritual into the
holiday: I wanted one. I wanted desperately for everyone to
acknowledge that absence. Not saying anything just made the
burden heavier. When my brother-in-law asked to say the
blessing and sounded so really thankful for “our” wonderful
blessings, I wanted to shoot him and in my heart I did, but there
at the table I just died inside again. Needless to say I didn’t get
up at 5AM to catch the sales, I probably didn’t fall asleep till 4. I
was anticipating Christmas alright, but it wasn’t with excitement,
it was with dread.
This is my ninth fall without Anna here. This fall will be
very different from those first ones. I have grown some, healed
some and have learned something since that first fall. I hope that
you will not make my mistakes and that you make some
preparations for the holidays. This year the coolness is a relief
after the summer heat. The darkness has been replaced by
beautiful memories, Heavenly gifts, great love, family, friends
and faith. The world is beautiful to me now, though not as
beautiful as that one that I get to spend eternity in with all of
my family including Anna. Energy has returned and I enjoy
outdoor activities again. I love to remember Anna and how
she loved being outdoors. John is too old for trick-or-treating
this year, but I will love seeing the sweet scary faces come to
my door once again and even though it will bring some
tears, I will enjoy looking through photos of Anna in all her
various costumes and remembering how she loved
Halloween. All the “back from the dead” stuff will still be
somewhat bothersome to me, but I dismiss it as “they don’t
know”, nor would I want them to. I will boldly give thanks
for Anna at the Thanksgiving table and speak her name freely
throughout the day as I recall many memories. I will visit the
cemetery with Lamar and I will talk to her and tell her how
much I love her. I am even excitedly anticipating Christmas
this year. I miss Anna, I will ALWAYS miss Anna and I know I
will be with her again, but right now, I am here. My son, my
husband and my family are here. There is a lot of beauty
here and a lot of need here. I hope to recognize and absorb
the beauty and make myself available in service to the needs
of others.
If this is your first or among your first falls of your
grief, please know that my thoughts and wishes for peace are
with you. I can’t take the pain away, but perhaps I can share
some lessons learned. First I have learned and have heard
confirmed by so many others that the anticipation of the
holidays is much worse than the day itself. Making plans can
help lesson some of the anxiety leading up to them. I hope
that you can incorporate some rituals into your holidays that
will keep you from having to carry the weight of that
“elephant” all by yourself. Let your family and friends know
in advance that you anticipate the holidays will be painful for
you, but that they can help by not being afraid to speak your
child’s name and not to back away from your tears. If your
family asks a blessing or some words of thanks before the
Thanksgiving meal, meet with the person that will be
speaking before hand and tell them not to leave out your
child. You may want to light a candle on the table or leave
an empty chair at the table. These actions acknowledge the
absence and acknowledgment is necessary because it
emphasizes the significance of the loss and affirms their
continued presence in our lives. Rituals help us to remember
our child/sibling in loving, healing ways that honor their lives.
They give us something to do when we don’t know what to
do. They are symbolic actions that give expression to that
which is too deep and too big for words.
Rituals can be a special service that you plan or
something as simple as spending a little time in the photo
album. My rituals are simple: saying her name in prayer,
visiting the cemetery and making certain there are English
peas on the table.
I hope you will find some rituals that speak to you,
your child/sibling and the relationship you share.
Anna’s Mom, Karen Chambers
Marietta, GA TCF
Welcome New
Members
Meeting Topics & Info
October 1 - “The Mask We Wear”
Decorate your very own mask.
November 5 - Decorate Luminaries
Come join us as we decorate a luminary in memory
of our child, sibling, or grandchild. (SEE BELOW)
December 3 - Holiday Potluck
19th Annual Worldwide
Candle Lighting
New Indoor Location!
December 13 @ 6:30pm
It will be our chapter’s 15th year of holding it’s
annual candle lighting event in conjunction with the
National’s Worldwide event. This year we are very excited
to be holding our event indoors at the Child & Family
Center located at 21545 Centre Pointe Pkwy, Santa Clarita
beginning at 6:30pm.
We will be selling luminaries in memory of our
children/siblings/grandchildren as a small fundraiser
for our chapter for $10.00 each. Please join us at
the November meeting to decorate your very own
personal luminary. If you can’t make the meeting,
you can simply order them by filling out the attached order
form and drop it in the mail. We will take care of the rest
for you! As this is a fundraiser, we would appreciate that
you not bring luminaries from home or from past years. The
deadline for ordering a luminary is December 4th.
Again this year we will have our photo video
presentation. If you added your child’s picture last
year, no need to do anything. If you need to add
your child, sibling, or grandchild’s photo to our
presentation, we must receive it by November 22.
A digital photo is preferred and should be emailed to Alice at
TCF.SCV@gmail.com If you only have a hard copy of your
photo, this can be mailed to Alice Renolds at 27949 Park
Meadow Dr., Canyon Country, CA 91387. Please include
your name, your loved one’s name, address, and phone
number so the photo can be returned to you.
Attending your first meeting takes
courage and it is always hard to say “welcome”
because we are so very sorry for the reason which
made you eligible for our membership in TCF.
However, we are glad you found us! We cannot
take away your pain but we can offer our friendship
and support, Do try and to attend at least 3
meetings so you have a chance to meet others who
are bereaved and discover that special acceptance
that occurs with new friends who truly understand.
New to our chapter are:
Raneem Nafeh, Mother of Joseph
Sharon Smith, Mother of Randal
“The Masks
We Wear “
At our meeting on October 1st we will be
discussing the “cover-up” masks we wear. The
masks you wear to face another day without your
child.
After this discussion you will have the
opportunity to decorate your very own personal
grief mask. Our chapter will have supplies such as
stickers, words or phrases, markers, feathers, and
sequins available for you to decorate your mask.
In addition to these supplies please bring
in pictures cut out of magazines or wrapping paper,
personal photographs printed on paper, and
anything else you would like to put on your mask.
At the end of the meeting we will share our
masks and show the differences of those who are
early in their grief and those further along.
If you have any questions regarding this,
please call Alice at 661-252-4374.
Don’t forget, we take orders at each meeting for
photo buttons or you can send it by email, or regular
mail. We will photo copy your child, grandchild or
sibling’s picture and make 3” buttons for $2.00 each.
Why not order an extra button to keep at our
meeting place, so you will always have one there.
Also, don’t forget to order some for you family and
friends to wear at our Candlelight Ceremony in
December!
Contact us at TCF.SCV@gmail.com or contact
Alice at 661-252-4374 for more info.
What you leave behind is not what is engraved
in stone monuments,
But what is woven into the lives of others.
~Pericles
The Mask
Of Grief
As the beautiful colors of Fall surround us and the air is
sweetened and chilled, we, the broken hearted parents and
families of those children who left us too soon begin to find the
strength and perseverance to face another season, another
anniversary, another rush of memories. Perhaps Halloween
brings with it visions of little candy grabbing goblins and gossamer
clad fairy children. Perhaps those memories aren’t available to
some of us. All of us pick up our masks right around this time of
year and we put them on. Our masks are different, though.
When our children died, we discovered that the raw and horrible
pain we were in probably showed up on our faces, in the way we
stood, in the way we walked and talked. We soon discovered
that, even though we had many close and loving friends and
family, they were not very comfortable with watching us bleed to
death from the inside out… So we constructed a mask.
Masquerade Balls and Pagan ceremonies are goes really
well with us because it is a relief to hide our hurt behind them.
Don’t you agree? I heard someone tell me after Greg died, “It’s
hard to watch you and talk to you because your eyes show so
much hurt.” I thought about wearing shades even in the winter.
Well, what do you think? The way I see it, all survivors deserve
an Energizer Bunny costume this Halloween. We’d like to hide
behind the sunglasses and have people listen to our steady
drumbeat of wishes, but most of all, we have kept going, and
going… The worst hurt imagined has invaded our lives, crushing
our spirits, and yet we still have kept going & going! I’m proud of
each of you. Move over, little stuffed pink and white bunny.
Take a look at us. Our lives aren’t a whimsical commercial. We
are living your slogan. ancient rituals. The idea of “masking”
one’s identity for a short time and celebrating with wild abandon
is as appealing in our society as it was in those ancient times.
Unfortunately, the bereaved have a different reason for donning
the mask. We force our mask to smile when the lump in our
throat and the heaviness in our chest threaten to choke us. Our
eyes leak profusely, despite the waterproof mascara and pancake
makeup we women keep applying…Men put on a stoic and
strong façade, sometimes failing miserably and breaking down
with terrible beauty.
I urge you to be gentle with your mask. Put it on
thoughtfully and take it off with great care. There are safe places
to leave it and one of those places is with those of us who travel
this path with you.
~Kerry Marston, Mother of Michael
Bereaved Parents USA, St. Louis Chapter
Sept-Oct 2004 Newsletter
www.bereavedparentsusa.org
It’s Bittersweet
At Halloween
This month is the time for the little funnylooking creatures appearing at our doors for a trick or
treat. Halloween was never my favorite day of the
year. I think it was because I could never come up
with those cut original costumes for my girls like every
other mother managed to do every year. It seemed
like after answering the door and seeing 200 original
costumes I’d always think to myself, “Why didn't I
think of that?” I’d tuck a few ideas away in my head
for the next year, but when the time came to execute
those ideas, I had tucked them so far I couldn’t
remember them.
Once again we were scrambling around the
house on October 31, trying to come up with ideas
that both girls would be happy with. There was a
difference of six years between our two daughters, &
that wasn’t the only difference. Kirsten’s candy would
last until Easter, and then we throw it out. JoAnn
would eat her candy from house to house and come
home with a full stomach and an empty bag.
In the summer of 1978, JoAnn had her second
open heart surgery. She died July 2, 1978, at age 6.
When October rolled around, I dreaded seeing the
little children coming to the door and remembering
how JoAnn loved the candy and the enthusiasm of the
evening.
As the evening wore on, I realized that the
neighbors and people who knew us had, no doubt,
told their children not to come to our house. My
emotions were very mixed up. On the one hand I
knew the parents were trying to protect us from the
first holiday experience without JoAnn. It was very
kind of them. On the other hand, it only reminded
me of how different our home was now. When 9
o’clock came it was a relief to know the first event was
over.
It has been many years now since JoAnn died,
Halloween doesn’t bother me, but we all know that
the next day we turn the calendar, and November is
here with the holidays around the corner. These are
hard times whether you are newly bereaved parent or
have lived a number of years since you child died.
We need not walk alone, but reach out to each other.
One of the greatest blessings to me now is the gift of
memory. I cherish the happy memories of JoAnn in
all the seasons of the year.
~Cindy Holt
TCF Jamestown, NY
Was Received From:
Memories
David & Laurie Millard
In Loving Memory of their daughter:
Brianna Brandy Millard Smith
10/6 - 3/30
If they bring tears,
let them be cleansing.
If they bring laughter,
let it be warm.
If they remind you
of happier moments,
Let them be shelter to you
through the storm.
~Author unknown
Just a Dream Away
I would give my life to have you back,
said the Mom
I know you would, said her child.
I cry each night for you, said the Mom
And I catch all of your tears said her child
I pray for the day that I can see you again,
said the Mom
Close your eyes and you can see me,
said her child
I am always just a dream away.............
You are the first person who loved me,
and you are the first person I loved.
You were always there when I needed you,
and you always knew when I needed a hug.
I am here for you now, mom
in your heart and in your soul.
I did not take your heart with me
instead I left mine with you to hold.
One day I will take your hand
and lead you to paradise,
but until then my beautiful mother,
when you want to see me
you only need to close your eyes.
I am always just a dream away.....
Written with love
In the memory of Holli Nicole Crockett
by Tammy Crockett
http://holli-crockett.memory-of.com/About.aspx
Love Gifts
A Love Gift is a wonderful way to remember
your child, grandchild, or sibling’s birthday or angel
dates or just to say I love you. What better way than to
have their photo included in our newsletter along with
a special memory, thought or message, article or poem
from you.
If anyone would like to make a donation in
memory of their child, grandchild, or sibling you may
give it to Alice or Diane at our meeting or mail it to
Alice at 27949 Park Meadow Dr., Canyon Country,
91387. You can also email the info to
TCF.SCV@gmail.com Love gifts should be received by
the 15th of the month to be placed in the following
month’s newsletter. What a special way to share and
remember your loved one!
Our chapter exists solely on voluntary, tax
deductible donations. We thank you in advance for any
donations you may be able to give or send. Your
donations help to pay the expenses of our newsletter,
purchase books & brochures, coffee & refreshments,
new member’s packets, our rental space and other
miscellaneous supplies. They also fund our annual
Balloon Release and Candle Lighting programs. We
sincerely appreciate your support!
Candlelight Remembrance Program
December 13, 2015 6:30pm
Photo Presentation &Luminaries
New Indoor Venue!
Child & Family Center---New
21545 Centre Pointe Pkwy.
Santa Clarita, CA 91350
Sponsored by the Compassionate Friends
Of Santa Clarita
Again this year we will have a video presentation of our children’s, sibling’s, and
grandchildren’s photos. You do not have to be member of the Santa Clarita Chapter to have their
photo included in this presentation. Photos must be received by November 22 to be included in
the video. A digital photo is preferred and should be emailed to Alice at TCF.SCV@gmail.com.
If you only have a hard copy of your photo, it can be sent to Alice Renolds at 27949 Park Meadow
Dr., Canyon Country, CA 91387. Please include your name, loved one’s name, address, and phone
number so your photo can be returned to you. If your loved one was in the presentation last
year, they will be included again this year.
Also available for purchase are luminaries in memory of your child/sibling/grandchild as a
small fundraiser for $10.00. If you are unable to make our November meeting to come and
decorate one, please fill out and mail in the order form below. We will take care of the rest for
you and put it out on the walkway the night of the program! As this is a fundraiser, we would
appreciate that you not bring your own luminary or ones from past years.
The deadline for ordering a luminary is December 4.
# _____of Luminaries with baery operated candle ($10.00 each)
Total
$
Name(s) to appear on Luminary (PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY)
Please mail order form and check (made out to TCF of Santa Clarita) to:
Alice Renolds
27949 Park Meadow Dr.
Canyon Country, CA 91387
Orders must be received by December 4, 2015