Secrets of Surviving Infidelity

5/13/2013
Secrets of Surviving
Infidelity
Defining Emotional and Physical Affairs
Scott Haltzman, MD www.DrScott.com
shaltzman@msn.com Facebook.com/ScottHaltzman
Who Are You?
Clinical counselor in Private Practice
Clinical Counselor in Agency/Hospital/Education/Community
Setting
Counselor Educator
Student
School Counselor
Rehabilitation Counselor
Psychologist
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www.DrScott.com
Author:
The Secrets of Happily Married Men
(Wiley)
The Secrets of Happily Married
Women (Wiley)
The Secrets of Happy Families
(Wiley)
The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity
(Johns Hopkins Press)
Background
Web Based Presence and
Research
www.DrScott.com
www.365Reasons.com
From the Web
I am recently married, only seven
months. I met my wife in the
military, so of course she has
good relationships with other
men. I am currently deployed
overseas and have access to our
phone records, and I had seen
that she had been texting this guy
constantly throughout the day and
at all hours of the night. Even if
we were texting at the same time
about sexual things, she would
still be texting him between us.
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From the Web
I contacted the guy and told him
that I am not accusing him and
her of anything, but I wanted to
inform him that just because my
wife and I are currently not
around each other, and we may
be having fights, we are working
on our differences and anyone
who comes between me and my
family is not going to be happy.
From the Web
He wrote me back saying that he
and my wife went to school
together and that they had always
been friends who could talk to
each other (which she had told
me previously). He said he is not
the kind of guy to get between a
relationship.
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From the Web
I brought it up to her father
(where she is currently staying, till
I get back) and he told me to
leave her alone and stop putting
ideas in her head or she will go
cheat just because I am blaming
her for it.
From the Web
So I guess my question is: Is it
wrong that I am still uncertain of
this guy and his intentions with
my wife?
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What would you say?
Definition
In-fi-del-I-ty [in-fi-del-i-tee] noun,
plural-ties.
1.marital disloyalty; adultery.
2.unfaithfulness; disloyalty.
3.lack of religious faith, esp. Christian
faith.
4.a breach of trust or a disloyal act;
transgression.
Origin: 1375-1425; late ME < L infidēlitās,
equiv. to infidēli(s) unfaithful + -tās
infidelity. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved February 27,
2010, from Dictionary.com website:
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Definition
In-fi-del-I-ty [in-fi-del-i-tee] noun,
plural-ties.
1.marital disloyalty; adultery.
2.unfaithfulness; disloyalty.
3.lack of religious faith, esp. Christian
faith.
4.a breach of trust or a disloyal act;
transgression.
Origin: 1375-1425; late ME < L infidēlitās,
equiv. to infidēli(s) unfaithful + -tās
infidelity. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved February 27,
2010, from Dictionary.com website:
What is commitment?
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How do you define commitment?
Was Jodi Arias the victim of infidelity?
“Yes,” adding “It’s considered a form of psychological abuse.”
Marriage Stats
Heterosexual marriage is majority
“Western Culture” ranges*:
80% of Americans marry
60% of Swedes marry
The rest of Europe falls in between
Sexual fidelity is foundation for marriage
*The State of Our Unions, Marriage in America (2009)
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Rates of Infidelity
Estimates
“1.5% per year”
“12% Men; 9% Women/year”
“28% Lifetime in men >60”
“15% Lifetime in women >60”
“70% of American women married > 5 years”
--Shere Hite
6-fold increase in admission of infidelity on
computer surveys
Emotional Impact of Infidelity
Sense of betrayal
Anger
Shame
Loss of trust
Sense of loss
Being “lost”
Depression
Suicidal ideation
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Sexual infidelity?
Two people performing oral sex with each
other
One person performing oral sex or manual
sex on the other
Two people touching each other’s genitals
without penetration
One person touching the other’s genitals
without penetration
One person touching him or her self (or
performing other sex acts) in front of the
other (or in front of a webcam, with the
other looking on at a distant site)
Pornography (with no interaction with
“model”)
Sex that “doesn’t count”
Man on man sex: the down low
Sex while on deployment
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Parasexual Activity
Two people kissing
Holding hands
Hugging
Sitting on another’s lap
Allowing legs to touch each other while being seated side by
side
Resting one hand on the shoulder
Playfully pushing or punching
Letting fingers linger on each other’s fingers
An “Attractive Other”…
Sex
Body type
Age
Personality
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Attractive to is different than
interested in.
Different thresholds
When one partner thinks another is too close,
opinion must be respected
Women are more aware of when seductions
are occurring
Women tend to be the ones to promote
advances by men
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Intimacy/Emotional Affair
“When you dig deep into your heart and come face to face
with new insights and perspectives, with whom do you share
your revelations?”
Some intimacy with other is OK
Barber/hair stylist
Same-sex friends(or gay opposite-sex friends)
Therapist or spiritual counselor
Shared Feelings…
Fidelity: giving yourself emotionally to one person.
Withholding from your partner=cheating your partner
Laurie Puhn: “The core of emotional intimacy is shared
experience.”
.
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Boundaries
Misconception that affairs happen because of seeking sex
Most affairs happen with people who don’t intent on cheating.
Slippery slope-- any steps away from devotion to mate could
destroy marriage
Patients need to be taught the
“rules”
If it feels wrong (to your mate), maybe it is wrong
Keep no secrets
Elevate your mate
Avoid sexual situations
Share your time
Pay attention to your inner voice
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Why People Cheat
Where Biology Meets Destiny
Scott Haltzman, MD www.DrScott.com
shaltzman@msn.com Facebook.com/ScottHaltzman
Why does infidelity happen?
Anthropologic/Evolutionary
Dependency of Child over first 2 years of Life
Instinctual
Only 5 % of vertebrates are monogamous
Biological
Prairie Vole (oxytocin receptors)
Montane Vole (low oxytocin)
Psychological
Am I attractive or worthwhile/ASPD
Situational/Social Influences
Hollywood/ “You deserve the best”/ Soul Mate
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Why does infidelity happen?
Situational
Work
Internet
Conventions
The Anatomy of Attraction
Love at first sight?
Soul mate?
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Physiology of Attraction
Phase I: Estrogen and Testosterone
Phase II: Changes in Neurotransmitters:
Decreased Serotonin
Increased Norepinepherine
Increased Dopamine
Neuroreceptors:
Norepinepherine increase
Increases rush feeling
Dopamine increase
Reward hormone associated with addictions
Serotonin decrease
Associated with feelings of calm (this feeling decreases)
Being infatuated is a sense of unease and obsessiveness
similar to when people don’t have enough serotonin
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Is “Flame Addiction” a disease?
Maladaptive
Tolerance
Inability to stop/cut down “despite knowledge” of
destructiveness
Using more resources/time
Cutting back on occupational and social activiites
Social Consequences
12-step approach to Flame
Addiction
One day at a time
Fellowship/support
Friends and family
Professional support
Serenity and Peace
Higher Power
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Fellowship: Friends and Family
One or two close friends
Your needs to reach our or not supplant your partner’s
Ask friends whether they can be supportive
Tell friends to say whether you’re asking too much
Keep in regular touch with friends even when “nothing’s
new”
Fellowship: Professional Help
Has a pro-marriage bias
Therapist should not pathologize partner
Focus on the infidelity from the start
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Why does infidelity happen?
N.O.D.
Need
Opportunity
Disinhibition of Impulses
Needs
“I need more sex”
“I need different kinds of sex than I’m getting [oral, anal,
bondage, etc]”
“I need more attention”
“I need to feel needed”
“I need to feel special”
“I need to feel powerful”
“I need to be swept away”
“I need to prove that I can still wow a woman”
“I need to prove that I am still seductive”
“I need excitement in my life”
“I need to punish my partner for something he/she did”
“I need to individuate myself from my partner”
“I need to get my partner more interested in me by stirring up
jealousy”
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Need for nurturing
from professional caregivers
From family members or friends
Majority of nurturing comes from mate
Need for excitement
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The Pursuit of Happiness
Stevenson B, Wolfers J: The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness American Economic Journal: Economic Policy 2009 1:2
190-225
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
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Opportunity
Bars or nightclubs
The workplace or classroom
Business meetings and conventions
The neighborhood
Class reunions
Facebook—other e-opportunities
Sporting events or concerts
The gym
Disinhibition
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Medical Issues with Disinhibition
ADHD
Substance Abuse
Bipolar Disorder
Personality Disorder (Borderline, ASPD, Histrionic and
Narcissistic)
Brain damage
Age related brain changes
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Treatment approaches:
Explore needs
Reduce opportunities
Don’t hang with singles
Don’t spend time with people having affairs
Stop substance use
Impulse control: Cheater
Think things through
Journal
Seek consultation
As yourself “What if” and don’t minimize
Seek professional help
Improve brain function
Meditation
Prayer
Yoga
Aerobic exercise
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Impulse Control: Cheated
Don’t nag or whine
Develop a pre-planned signal
Offer healthy alternatives to impulse-prone situations
Be patient and supportive
Loosen up
Support efforts to change
Ending the Affair &
Moving on
Helping Couples talk about the affair
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Now what?
End the affair
Break off contact
Transparency-a see through marriage
Make time to talk
Ending the Affair
Reasons why affair continues:
“I shouldn’t deny myself pleasures”
“I have found my soul mate.”
“I feel a duty to the other person”
“I’m not strong/smart/skilled enough to fix this.”
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Ending the Affair-Why it should stop. If the affair continues…
Your partner will seem less desirable
There will be less time for the partner and you to solve problems
together
There’s less time for you and your partner to share positive times
together
You lose incentive to solve problems; the back door is always
open
Not easy to sever connection
Sexual contact
Internet or telephone connection
Exchanging mail or text greetings
Spending time together at work
Silent contact (waiting in the wings)
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How to break it off
The message must be absolutely clear
No doors open to future relationships
When possible, your mate should witness the break-up
Any return communication should be shared with your
partner.
**Partner must not attack the unfaithful person for
sharing information about unsolicited information**
Transparency
Bank
Email
Mail
Phone
If open, then the spouse must not criticize all information that
passes his/her way.
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Make Time to Talk
Do ask Do Tell
The person who was cheated on may ask any question of the
person who cheated that he or she wishes about the events
of the affair.
The person who cheated must answer all questions openly
and completely.
Make Time to talk (II)
The person who was cheated on may ask for any
clarifications about the events of the affair he or she thinks
reasonable.
The person who cheated must answer all questions openly
and completely.
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Helping Betrayer’s Talk
Take a good self inventory: reasons v. rationalization
Consider spouse’s feelings before you talk
Be aware of his/her communication style and honor that
Don’t couch things in criticism
Don’t use confession as a means to hurting your spouse
Helping Betrayed Talk
Being a listener about an affair
Take your own self-inventory (see chart in package)
Don’t be a mind-detective
Listen without judgment
Let your partner know what you are able to hear
Be a conduit, not a road block, for conversation
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Helping Couples Talk Together
Keep the conversation going
Set aside time to talk
Have time you don’t talk
Set time limits on talk
Talk “with” not “at”
When possible, touch
Boot up your computers
Get Help?
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Talking about the Events…
She: How many times did you see her?
He: I don’t really remember.
She: I don’t want an exact number. Five? Fifty? How many
times would you guess?
He: I honestly don’t know. Maybe five. Maybe fifteen. I’ve
already apologized, why do we have to keep talking about it?
Talking about the emotions
She: Did you enjoy having sex with her?
He: Yes.
She: Did you like it better than sex with me?
He: That’s complicated…
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Soccer time!
Your poor decision probably lost the game for your team.
Your friends may all be mad at you.
You lacked skill on the ball field.
You made a good effort, and will be sure to learn from this.
Choosing your truth…
1. “Yes. It was awesome, and much more exciting than sex
with you.”
2. “You and I don’t have enough sex for me to know!”
3. “No. Being with a new sexual partner was exciting, but the
amount of shame I felt over what I had done made the
experience feel worse, not better. Sex is much more
meaningful with you, and I value it above all.”
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Apologizing and Forgiving
Moving Beyond the Affair
Principles of Apology
One person (or people) has a sense of what ought to happen
(based on a specific promise, preconceived notions or social
norms),
Another person (or people) interferes with that person’s
expectations
That other person must recognize that he or she had done
something (or failed to do something) that impacted that
person,
…
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Principles of Apology (II)
And, recognizing that he or she has impeded the goals of
that person, the other person should assume liability, and in
some concrete way, let the affected person know that he or
she takes responsibility for the effects of the action.
Erving Goffman: “Whether one
runs over another’s sentence,
time, dog, or body, one is more or
less reduced to saying some
variant of ‘I’m sorry’”
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Saying “I’m Sorry”: Own up!
Taking time away from the family for being with the other
person
Lying about where you were and what you were doing
Potentially embarrassing your spouse in the eyes of her
friends, family or neighbors
Sleeping with your partner after you slept with someone else,
potentially increasing risks of sexually transmitted infections
Breaking your wedding vows
Contributing to your mate becoming depressed
Saying “I’m Sorry”
SPEAK UP: who, what and how
ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
OFFER ALTERNATIVES: I should have…
ABOLISH EXPECTATIONS
SAY I’M SORRY
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Step 4. Offer restitution
Making a commitment to stay faithful in the future,
Agreeing to transparency in your interactions with other
people,
Committing yourself to talk to your partner if there are
potential problems in the relationship, rather than run to a
different person,
Finding ways to improve your marriage,
[If you have been involved in substance abuse or other (nonflame) addiction] getting the help you need to quit and
maintain yourself addiction-free.
Step 5: Forgive yourself
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Granting Forgiveness
International Forgiveness Institute
“Forgiveness is a gift freely given in the face of a moral
wrong, without denying the wrong. Forgiveness welcomes
the wrongdoer back into the human community and frees the
injured party to pursue the process of healing.
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Impediments to apology
Impediments to apology
Impediments:
Still angry
Seeking atonement
You believe you’ll be a chump
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Mahatma Gandhi: “The weak can
never forgive. Forgiveness is the
attribute of the strong
Impediments
You don’t want to dilute the crime
You want to inflict punishment
You don’t want it to happen again
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Reasons to Forgive
You free up your emotional energy
Your mental attitude colors the relationship
You improve your health-
Nelson Mendela, “Resentment is
like a glass of poison that a man
drinks; then he sits down and waits
for his enemy to die.” Only when
you choose to let go of anger can
you regain control of your life.
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Reasons to forgive
an apology can lower your levels of anxiety and stress,
reduce your blood pressure, decrease your risk of having
alcohol or other substance abuse problems, and can result in
a reduction in the symptoms of depression
Rebuilding Marriage after
an affair
Scott Haltzman, MD www.DrScott.com
shaltzman@msn.com Facebook.com/ScottHaltzman
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Ready to Rebuild?
Reasons to stay married:
Nowhere else to go________________________________
Shame __________________________________________
Fear ____________________________________________
Obligation/Commitment____________________________
Loving feelings toward my spouse _____________________
Looking at the Whole Picture
Looking at the whole picture
Despite negative event, does partner bring good things to
life?
Parenting
Income
Fun
Crisis intervention, etc
Does the bad outweigh the
good?
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Marriage Tools
Marriage Education
Communication
Conflict Management
Individual Coaching
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5/13/2013
Q&A
The Secrets of Surviving
Infidelity is available May, 2013
for purchase at your local
bookstore, and online at:
AMAZON.com- Purchase Book
For additional questions, please
contact:
RBurke@counseling.org
Please Join Us for the Upcoming DSM Series
June 26
Jason King, PhD, LCMHC- Addictive Disorders
July 3
Georgeanna Gibson, MAE, LPCC- ASD/Autism/Asperger’s
July 10
Todd Lewis, PhD, LPC- Bi-Polar Disorders
July 17
Shannon Ray, PhD, LMHC.- Anxiety Disorders
July 24
Gary Gintner, PhD, LPC- .Depressive Disorders
July 31
Paul Peluso, PhD, LMHC, LMFT- Personality Disorders
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