The Emotional Affair Journey Handbook

Transcription

By Doug & Linda
Emotional Affair Journey
Introduction....................................................................................................................................... 10
Our Journey to this Place .................................................................................................................... 11
An Issue of Trust ................................................................................................................................ 23
Emotional Affair Signs ........................................................................................................................ 24
How to Save Your Marriage ............................................................................................................... 27
That Loving Feeling ............................................................................................................................ 29
Speak Your Mind Calmly ....................................................................................................................30
Connecting with Your Spouse............................................................................................................. 31
Find the Strength To Survive the Affair............................................................................................... 33
Stupid Things Said While in an Affair .................................................................................................. 35
Friday Night Was a Rough One!.......................................................................................................... 37
Linda’s View of Ending an Affair ......................................................................................................... 39
Facts You Need to Know About Infidelity ........................................................................................... 41
How Would You Accept Emotional Infidelity? .................................................................................... 42
Is A Marital Affair Really Love? .......................................................................................................... 44
Backing Off Can Be Powerful .............................................................................................................. 45
How To Connect Emotionally With Your Husband .............................................................................. 47
Emotional Affairs Suck! ...................................................................................................................... 50
How to Rebuild the Trust After Infidelity............................................................................................ 51
Don’t Lose Your Self Concept ............................................................................................................. 54
Do as I say, not as I did ................................................................................................................ 54
It’s been a long road to recovery ................................................................................................. 55
How a Person Involved in an Emotional Affair Can Heal ..................................................................... 56
Random Thoughts on Emotional Affairs ............................................................................................. 58
My ‘Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda’ List .....................................................................................................60
3 Tips to Help You Heal From an Affair ............................................................................................... 63
Here’s the email… ....................................................................................................................... 65
Linda’s response… ....................................................................................................................... 66
A learning experience… ............................................................................................................... 66
Forgiving Infidelity .............................................................................................................................68
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Communicate to Save Your Marriage ................................................................................................. 70
Are Humans Meant to be Monogamous? ........................................................................................... 72
Reader Involved in Emotional Affair ................................................................................................... 74
Recovery from an Emotional Affair .................................................................................................... 76
After Infidelity: Renegotiate Your Relationship .................................................................................. 77
Marital Infidelity—an Addiction ......................................................................................................... 79
Overcoming Emotional Infidelity Requires a Healing Identity ............................................................. 81
Surviving an Affair: A Two Step Approach .......................................................................................... 83
All contact with the affair partner must end................................................................................. 83
Does the love ever die? ...............................................................................................................84
After the Affair: Resentment Lingers .................................................................................................. 85
After the Affair: Doug’s Resentment ..................................................................................................88
Save Your Marriage: Will Your Spouse Cheat Again? ..........................................................................90
Emotional Affairs: Looking Through Rose Colored Glasses.................................................................. 92
Emotional Affairs: Rekindled Past Flames .......................................................................................... 94
Marital Affair Fears and How to Overcome Them............................................................................... 97
After an Emotional Affair: Are You Acting the Same? ....................................................................... 100
After the Affair: Giving Linda What She Deserves ............................................................................. 102
10 Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity ........................................................................................ 104
Marital Affair Shatters Neighbor’s Lives ........................................................................................... 106
Trust After Infidelity ........................................................................................................................ 108
Emotional Infidelity: Comparing Partner to Spouse ........................................................................... 111
If the shoe was on the other foot… ............................................................................................. 111
Don’t share your spouse’s faults ................................................................................................. 112
Life can take a toll on a marriage ................................................................................................ 112
Infidelity Discovered? 10 Ways to Calm Your Powerful Feelings ........................................................ 113
How to Catch a Cheating Spouse ....................................................................................................... 115
Signs of Cheating:....................................................................................................................... 115
Should you spy? .........................................................................................................................116
Catch a Cheating Spouse E-books: ..............................................................................................116
Reading Body Language: ............................................................................................................116
Computer Monitoring: ...............................................................................................................116
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Portable Lie Detector: ................................................................................................................116
Other Spy Devices: ..................................................................................................................... 117
Phone and Email Searches: ......................................................................................................... 117
After an Affair: Confronting the Other Person ...................................................................................118
After an Affair: Should you get Counseling? ..................................................................................... 120
My Emotional Affair: Selfishness Personified ................................................................................... 122
Why Do We Try to Save Our Marriage? ............................................................................................ 124
After the Emotional Affair: I Hate you! ............................................................................................. 126
Thoughts on Jealousy in an Emotional Affair .................................................................................... 129
Recovering From an Affair: A Roller Coaster Ride .............................................................................. 131
Emotional Affair-What Was he Thinking? ......................................................................................... 133
After the Affair: I am Angry .............................................................................................................. 135
Healing From Infidelity: I Am Proud of My Husband ......................................................................... 136
How to Learn from an Emotional Affair ............................................................................................ 138
Saving A Marriage:Sex After the Affair ............................................................................................. 140
Linda’s View… ........................................................................................................................... 140
Doug’s View… ............................................................................................................................141
Why Did I Stay to Save Our Marriage?.............................................................................................. 143
Emotional Affairs: Just a Game? ....................................................................................................... 145
Dealing With Infidelity: My Top 9 Mistakes ...................................................................................... 147
Healing From Infidelity: Don’t Keep It Inside .................................................................................... 150
The Emotional Affair: Is it Worth it? ................................................................................................. 152
Keeping the affair details straight can be tricky .......................................................................... 152
Is all the trouble of an affair worth it? ........................................................................................ 153
Marital Affair: An ‘OW’ Speaks Out .................................................................................................. 154
Dealing With Infidelity: Another Learning Experience ...................................................................... 156
Affair Recovery: Friends Can Help .................................................................................................... 158
Healing From Infidelity: How to Get Over the Hurt ........................................................................... 160
Other ways to manage the pain… ...............................................................................................161
Some good advice… ...................................................................................................................161
Dealing With Infidelity: Why Did it Happen? .................................................................................... 163
After the Affair: 8-Steps to Rebuild Trust ......................................................................................... 165
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After the Emotional Affair: Questioning Every Decision.................................................................... 167
Surviving Infidelity: The Top 26 Things You Both Must Do ................................................................ 169
An Amazing Story of a Husband’s Emotional Affair ........................................................................... 171
Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem After the Affair .....................................................................................175
Forgiving Infidelity: A Nine Step Approach ........................................................................................177
Should You Forgive the Affair? ......................................................................................................... 179
Getting Over an Affair: Dealing with Triggers ....................................................................................181
An Affair Hits Close to Home ............................................................................................................ 184
Having an Affair Within Your Marriage ............................................................................................ 186
Surviving an Affair: Will an Affair Destroy Your Marriage? ............................................................... 188
How to Survive an Affair if You’re the Cheater ................................................................................. 190
Healing Infidelity: Talking About the Affair....................................................................................... 193
Life in the Affair Bubble ................................................................................................................... 195
Healing from Infidelity: I Liberated Myself Today ............................................................................. 196
Healing After Infidelity: Create a New Purpose for Your Marriage .................................................... 198
Recovering From Infidelity: 16 Ways to Reinvent Your Marriage ..................................................... 200
Understanding the Affair Fog ...........................................................................................................202
Recovering From an Affair: No Pain. No Gain. ..................................................................................205
Forgiving Infidelity: What Forgiveness Is and Is Not ......................................................................... 207
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage ...................................................................209
Observing an Affair From the Other Side ........................................................................................... 211
Observing an Affair From the Other Side – Part 2 ............................................................................. 213
Healing After Infidelity: Why Won’t They Stop? ............................................................................... 216
Ending an Affair: Getting Them to Stop ............................................................................................ 218
Getting Over an Affair: Dealing With Affair Withdrawal ...................................................................220
Emotional Affair: Understanding the Phases .................................................................................... 222
Recovering From an Affair: The Promissory Note ............................................................................. 225
Getting Over an Affair: Stop the Comparisons .................................................................................. 227
Save Your Marriage: Building Fences Around Your Relationship .......................................................228
Recovering From An Affair: Keep the Passion Alive ..........................................................................230
Surviving an Affair: Affair Love vs. Married Love .............................................................................. 231
Surviving Infidelity: The Marriage Journal ........................................................................................ 233
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After an Affair: Should You End the Marriage? ................................................................................. 235
The Emotional Affair Made Me Feel Worthless ................................................................................ 237
The Emotional Affair Made Me Feel Worthless – Part 2 ................................................................... 239
Surviving Infidelity: The Four Rules of Marriage ............................................................................... 241
Sex, Stress, Hormones and Happiness After the Affair ...................................................................... 243
After the Affair: I Want More ........................................................................................................... 245
The Emotional Affair Has Made Me Unsure of Myself ...................................................................... 247
A Reader’s View of Her Husband’s Marital Affair .............................................................................249
Newsflash: The Affair Fog has Lifted! ............................................................................................... 251
After Ending An Affair: Get Past the Grief ........................................................................................ 253
Surviving Infidelity: Follow Your Pain ............................................................................................... 255
Your Marital Affair: Should You Confess? ......................................................................................... 257
A Marital Affair is Like Shoe Shopping .............................................................................................. 259
Healing From Infidelity: 8 Steps to a Stronger Marriage ................................................................... 261
Emotional Affair: Getting Them to Let Go ........................................................................................ 263
Should You Go to Couples Counseling? ............................................................................................266
Cheating Spouses Must Look Within ................................................................................................268
Do a “180” to Save Your Marriage ....................................................................................................269
Cheating Spouses: Their Affair and Their Kids................................................................................... 271
Recovering From an Affair: Be More Bitchy? .................................................................................... 273
Is The Cheating Spouse Living With Regret? ..................................................................................... 275
One Less Bird in the Nest ................................................................................................................. 277
Building Self-Esteem After the Affair ................................................................................................ 279
The Awakening ................................................................................................................................282
How to Regain Control After the Affair.............................................................................................286
Surviving Infidelity: Getting Past the Anger ..................................................................................... 288
Surviving Infidelity: Expressing Anger without “Getting” Angry ........................................................ 291
Cheating Spouses: 6 Reasons Why Their Affair Won’t Last ............................................................... 294
Searching For Quotes About Moving On ..........................................................................................296
The Party Psychologist ..................................................................................................................... 297
Surviving Infidelity: Rediscover Yourself...........................................................................................299
Surviving an Emotional Affair: Surreal Love vs Real Love .................................................................. 301
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“The Schedule” ................................................................................................................................303
Another Trigger After the Emotional Affair ......................................................................................305
8 Key Aspects in an Emotional Affair ................................................................................................306
My Emotional Affair D-day Anniversary .......................................................................................... 308
Change Your Patterns When Dealing With Affair Triggers ................................................................ 310
My Letter to the OP After the Emotional Affair ................................................................................. 311
After the Affair: The Relationship Contract ...................................................................................... 313
A Reader’s Struggle to Survive an Affair ........................................................................................... 315
7 Tips For Backing Off After the Affair .............................................................................................. 318
4 Ways to Empower Yourself After the Emotional Affair ..................................................................320
After the Affair: The No Contact Rule ............................................................................................... 323
A Letter to Doug About His Emotional Affair .................................................................................... 325
8 Communication ‘Don’ts’ After the Affair ....................................................................................... 327
Put an End to Mistrust After the Affair ............................................................................................. 329
An Important Reminder About Healing From an Emotional Affair .................................................... 331
Dealing With a Marital Rut ............................................................................................................... 333
My Emotional Affair With My Best Friend’s Husband ....................................................................... 336
The Emotional Affair Still Causes Pain ..............................................................................................338
The Pink Fluffy Bathrobe ..................................................................................................................340
32 Questions to Ask Yourself if in a Marital Affair ............................................................................ 341
Marriage Makeover: Stop Working on the Relationship ................................................................... 343
After the Affair: Tough Love Brings Subtle Changes .......................................................................... 345
8 Ways to Protect Your Marriage from Infidelity .............................................................................. 347
My Struggles After the Emotional Affair ...........................................................................................348
How to Get Your Spouse to Change ..................................................................................................350
Another Extramarital Affair Hits the Neighborhood ......................................................................... 352
Affair-Proof Your Marriage .............................................................................................................. 354
Making Progress After the Emotional Affair ..................................................................................... 356
Recovering From an Affair is a Process ............................................................................................. 358
Emotional Affair Recovery and Forgiving Infidelity ...........................................................................360
How to Control Your Thoughts After the Affair – An Example........................................................... 362
Keeping Things Secret Within an Emotional Affair ............................................................................ 363
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Infidelity is an Epidemic ................................................................................................................... 365
Improving Your Sex Life After the Affair ........................................................................................... 367
Erasing the Fantasy After the Affair..................................................................................................369
Accepting the Past and My Emotional Affair .................................................................................... 371
A Better Way to Get Them to End The Affair .................................................................................... 373
Why Some Marital Affairs Last Longer Than Others.......................................................................... 375
Be Thankful! .................................................................................................................................... 377
Why My Emotional Affair Relationship Would Never Have Succeeded ............................................. 379
Affair Withdrawal: A Difficult Hurdle ............................................................................................... 381
The Lack of ‘Real Love’ is the Real Cause of Infidelity .......................................................................383
7 Ways to Get Your Spouse to End the Affair .................................................................................... 385
Why Men Don’t Like to Talk About Their Feelings ............................................................................ 387
Is Facebook the Portal to an Emotional Affair? .................................................................................389
Stop Playing the Infidelity Game ...................................................................................................... 391
The Emotional Affair Wasn’t the Catalyst for Change ....................................................................... 393
Why Can’t I Remember Things After the Affair? ............................................................................... 395
Save Your Marriage by Learning From the Past and Agreeing on the Future ..................................... 397
Our Emotional Affair Recovery One Year Later ................................................................................. 399
A Marital Affair Can Get Real Serious Real Fast ................................................................................402
Reconnecting Emotionally After the Affair ...................................................................................... 404
Affair Recovery and My First Experience With a Therapist .............................................................. 406
Little Reminders of What Could Have Been ..................................................................................... 409
How to Recover From an Affair With RPL ..........................................................................................411
My Top 3 Goals for 2011 .................................................................................................................. 413
Venting About the Emotional Affair ................................................................................................. 415
Bad News For Relationships in 2011? ............................................................................................... 417
A Marital Affair is an Oasis From the Mundane ................................................................................ 422
Debunking Some Marital Affair Fantasies......................................................................................... 423
Ashley Madison a Marriage Preservation Tool?................................................................................ 425
The Cheating Spouse Should Not Romanticize the Affair .................................................................. 427
Control Your Thoughts So The Emotional Affair Doesn’t Control You ............................................... 429
I’m Finished Competing With The Emotional Affair .......................................................................... 431
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Remind Yourself You Are Not Responsible For The Affair ................................................................. 432
Deciphering the Cheating Spouse’s Stories ....................................................................................... 434
After the Emotional Affair: The Security I Needed ............................................................................ 436
The Fantasy, Role Playing and the Playbook .....................................................................................438
Discussions ......................................................................................................................................439
Videos and Audios ...........................................................................................................................442
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Introduction
“When it comes to affairs of love and hurt, you have to
wait for your heart to learn what your head already
knows, then you can break free”
Thank you for purchasing The Emotional Affair Journey Handbook.
This version of the handbook has been updated from our last version to include
virtually every post, discussion, audio and video from our blog in chronological
order. This is truly our blog in a book format.
This book is “interactive” in that all links have been left in tact. For instance, you
could click the title of a post (the link) to check out the comments and perhaps
add your own comment as well.
Additionally, the book has a “clickable” table of contents, so that you can click on
the page number of the post you wish to read, and it will take you there
automatically. No need to scroll through the whole book to find your desired
post.
Since this is in a book format, printing becomes much easier. Be careful though,
as this book is almost 450 pages long. You would probably find it better to print
individual posts, or pages within a range, rather than the entire book at once.
We sincerely hope that you can get a lot of use from this book, and that it helps
you in your own journey from an affair.
Best of luck to you in your journey!
Doug & Linda
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Our Journey to this Place
The story you are about to read is told first from Doug’s point of view, and will eventually turn
to Linda’s. We tell this story for two primary reasons: One, as a healing mechanism for both of
us. This exercise is actually a great way to further communicate how things could go wrong in
our marriage so as to not repeat them again.
Secondly, we hope that it might bring to surface possible issues occurring in you, the reader’s
own marriage, and make you realize what might be happening, so that you can quickly take the
appropriate action to turn your own marriage around. It might also help you to realize that
either you are in an emotional affair, or perhaps your spouse may be.
We welcome any comments, questions or suggestions concerning our situation, as well as your
own. They can be directed to our email: help@emotionalaffair.org.
A bit of our history together
Like with any story, it makes sense to start at the beginning. In this case back to when Linda
and I met and fell in love. It’s important to know this because to know where you’re going and
how to get there, you need to know where you’ve been. The past gives you a framework from
which to build on.
Linda and I were introduced to each other as freshmen in college by one of my buddies who
was dating her roommate. I knew who Linda was, and was attracted to her, and since I needed
a date to a fraternity party for the upcoming weekend, I thought “what the hell?”
The party was on a Friday night, and we had a great time. We ended up spending the night
together, though there was no sex or anything like that. We just talked and had a good time.
So much so, that I wasted no time in asking her to go to another party the next night. I guess
you could say that the rest is history. We have been together ever since.
During the next three-and-a-half years of college, we were pretty much inseparable. We spent
almost all of our time together, and fell madly in love. We were perfect for each other. We
enjoyed the same things, had the same goals and desires for so many different things. We
rarely, if ever fought, we liked hanging out with each other’s friends and we both liked to party
quite a bit as well. Heck, our birthdays are even just a day apart. It sure seemed like fate that
we would find each other. Even our friends would often say that we were made for each
other—which was indeed true.
We got married almost exactly two years after we graduated from college. We had a big
wedding with over 500 people in attendance, with a great reception, followed by a wonderful
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honeymoon in Jamaica. When we got back, we returned to our real world lives. She was
employed as a teacher and I was in sales. We settled down in her home town, bought a house,
and had our first child about 5 years later.
Shortly after our first child was born, we had a house built in a nice suburban neighborhood
with lots of great neighbors. At that point I was a mortgage loan officer during a period when
there was a real estate boom. I was making a ton of money and working a ton of hours to boot.
Life was good. Linda and I still got along great. We had a lot of fun together and enjoyed doing
family things like camping, backpacking, going to festivals—the typical stuff that young families
do.
In a few years that would all change as the local and national real estate markets tanked, and
my business suffered terribly. Since I was on straight commission my income dropped
considerably and we started to tap into our savings just to pay the bills. We would occasionally
have disagreements about money, but nothing too terrible. Eventually the market would
stabilize and things improved financially.
During this whole period, we were trying to grow our family, but were having difficulties
conceiving. We went through a long period of trying, which included fertility drugs for Linda,
and lots and lots of mechanical-like sex in an effort to have more children.
We suffered through Linda having a miscarriage, a D&C, followed by a bunch of sex based on
whenever Linda was ovulating. Finally she became pregnant. In fact she was pregnant with
twins. Though she may doubt it, I was very happy. But I also knew that things were going to
soon become difficult in many ways. After all, it wasn’t going to be easy to take care of two
babies at once, and things would be tight financially since Linda was going to have to take off
work for quite awhile to raise and nurture the babies in a fashion that we seemed appropriate.
After our twin girls were born, Linda would not work for awhile, but after several weeks would
go back on a part time basis. This was certainly best for our girls, and I’ve never regretted it,
but it proved to be a major reason for our troubles that would eventually surface.
Soon the real estate market slipped back into a recession, but I was lucky enough to find a
salaried position as a sales manager for a lender. I thought that would be great for us, as my
income would stabilize and we could live comfortably. And that was indeed the case for almost
2 years until the company I worked for laid every one of the sales managers off, and eventually
shut its doors.
The next few years were horrible financially, as I had a hard time finding work that I would
enjoy. I didn’t want to get back into the mortgage business, even though the market had
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turned around and was actually thriving. I balked at it because of the issues I had had
previously.
This turned out to be dumb on my part, as we would argue about finances, and our financial
status kept me up at night and began to be a major stress in my life.
For some reason I held this all in and didn’t communicate my feelings about this to Linda. I
wanted her to be confidant that things would be OK. Meanwhile, Linda was continuing to
spend money as if things were going great. I believe now that this caused some resentment on
my part, as I saw the trouble we were in, but Linda seemed to ignore it.
Consequently, I probably treated Linda badly at times. I would be short with her, not care
about her feelings, and basically made her feel about 2 inches tall. At the same time, she would
be growing apart from me by immersing herself in the lives of our daughters, while I was
immersed in the life of our son.
I coached his travel baseball team and desperately wanted for him to find great success using
the wonderful baseball skills that he possessed. This all was just driving us apart, though I don’t
think we realized it at the time.
Eventually, I bit the bullet and got back into the mortgage business with a good position inside a
top real estate office. At the same time, Linda went back to work full-time, with a good salary.
All of a sudden things were looking up again—at least financially. Within that real estate office
though was the woman who I would eventually grow close to.
Because of our improved financial condition, Linda and I started getting along better, but were
still not spending much quality time together. Rather, we would still separate our activities
between the girls and our son. Baseball took a lot of time, and would take away summer
vacations, weekends, and many week nights. It was definitely a source of contention, but I just
didn’t care because it was something we had to do in order for my son to play the caliber of ball
he needed and wanted to play. I admit that I wasn’t the best husband at the time, and
considered more my own desires and feelings rather than hers.
What about Sex?
Now, I’ have typically been a very sexual person, and enjoy sex quite a lot. I enjoy spicing things
up, and had always done things to try and get Linda in the mood, or to be romantic, or
whatever I could to get her in bed. Many times, I would be turned down, or the little gestures I
did would be laughed at, or completely disregarded.
This would anger me quite a bit, but I would simply keep it inside, so as not to get in an
argument or “ruin” my chances at getting some much needed sex at some later point. There
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were nights that I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about sex and what I wanted to do with
her, but she would typically have some excuse as to why she was not in the mood.
Either she didn’t want the kids to hear us, or she was afraid they might walk in, or she was tired,
or not in the mood. Often, when we did have sex, it was pretty dull as it was always the same
way, and she would just kind of go through the motions. I was too stupid to understand that
my actions towards her were causing her to act the way she was.
One thing that really ticked me off was her apparent desire to have a clean house over her
desire to fool around. If we would be lucky enough to have the house to our selves, she would
often use that time to get some chores done around the house. I could understand this to a
point, as she needed to take advantage of her free time away from the girls to catch up on
some work. However, I felt that she could take a little bit of time to at least have a quickie or
something first!
I remember one particular time when I was lucky enough to convince her to fool around and
almost the minute we were through, she popped up, got dressed and went down to clean the
house. So much for cuddling! I was quickly becoming bored and disenchanted with married life.
Another thing that was wearing on me was that almost every night at 9:00, she was crashed out
on the couch. This included the weekends when I was ready to go out and party.
I wasn’t the type of person to go out running around with my buddies all the time, so often I
would sit in my chair and watch TV and think about how bored I was, that something was
missing, and that I really wanted to have the feeling of being in love again.
It sounds kind of corny, but I would watch a “chick flick” with my girls; you know, the type of
movie where the characters would fall madly in love at the end. I would often think how great
it would be to have that feeling again. For some stupid reason, I would never express these
feelings to Linda. I guess I thought I would be laughed at, or rebuked in some way, or just that
she wouldn’t feel the same way. Rejection is a bitch, you know.
Getting close with Tanya
Now, at the same time this was going on, there was a major scandal involving the owner of the
real estate office I worked at. To make a long story short, the owner did some illegal things,
and it caused the office to close, and we were absorbed into a rival office. We had to pack up
all our stuff and move to another office. This was a major deal, and caused upheaval with
many, many innocent people.
Tanya was a top realtor in the office who I talked to occasionally strictly for business purposes.
I thought she would be a good source of business, and I would stop in her office now and then
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to talk real estate, but also talk about whatever other topics would come to mind. I would also
help her with technical issues she was having with websites, software, or other similar issues.
She was attractive, easy to talk to, and we shared many similar thoughts and ideas on many
things.
The ongoing scandal in the office brought us together more frequently as we discussed the
happenings in the office quite a bit and how its effect was causing such turmoil with everyone
involved. The real estate market was in the beginning stages of a horrible downturn, and we
were not very busy with selling real estate and doing mortgages, so we had lots of time to talk.
It wouldn’t always be just me and Tanya, but also with several others from within the office. I
would spend at least a couple of hours a day immersed in deep discussions with Tanya and
many others. One additional bonus was that I was also starting to get some mortgage business
from her—and others.
The more we spent time together, the more the conversations seemed to change from just
business, to other more personal topics. I would discuss my family, wife, hobbies, etc, and she
would do the same. It soon came to light that she was having similar feelings and issues within
her marriage as I. We would often counsel each other with respect to the very personal
problems we were having at home. Hindsight obviously tells me that this was not the thing to
do.
A couple of hours in her office turned into going out to lunch together, to eventually texting
each other, and talking on the phone for lengthy periods of time. Many of the conversations
were innocent enough as they were about business, or office issues, but many were about her
husband, her family, and my wife or family.
It was very clear now that I was becoming emotionally attached to her and she with me. In a
lot of ways, I was feeling the same way I did when Linda and I first met. I felt good inside, and I
felt good about myself, and I was just having a good time talking with another woman. I admit I
felt guilty doing so, but the feeling was hard to walk away from.
Things kind of continued on like this for a while with Tanya, but at the same time I was
obviously becoming more withdrawn from Linda and the rest of my family, and basically not a
joy to live with. I would always be listening to my IPod, drinking a lot, exercising a lot, not
wanting to do much with the family, criticizing Linda, starting arguments or avoiding
arguments.
One night Linda woke up in the middle of the night for some reason, went down stairs and saw
a note I had made to myself reminding me about a doctor’s appointment that I had not told her
about. This gave her the feeling that I was keeping things from her. Call it women’s intuition or
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whatever, but she decided to check my cell phone and saw 40+ calls to the same number. She
called the number and heard Tanya’s voice on the other end (voice mail), quickly came back
upstairs and got me out of bed and confronted me.
That was probably one of the most difficult nights of my life as we talked and cried for many
hours.
Naturally, I denied that my relationship with Tanya was anything more than business related,
but I did at least open up to tell Linda that I was less than thrilled with how our marriage was
going. I believe that night I uttered the dreaded “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”
phrase. Ugh!!
This was the starting point of our Emotional Affair Journey. The following several months were
not good. I continued to see Tanya and continued to withdraw from Linda and my family even
more. I was leading a double life and it was difficult to maintain.
Linda’s view from the start
During the summer of that year, I had a deep funny feeling that something just wasn’t right
with Doug and our relationship. He had become withdrawn and was not acting like the man I
married. He would be short with me and would shut me down any time I tried to talk to him
about anything of importance.
I tried to make an attempt to work on our marriage but became very frustrated, but I never
thought that he would go outside our marriage.
Doug continued to remove himself from the family and would spend hours in the evening on
the computer, prefer to be alone (so unlike him) and even lost contact with his kids and other
friends.
One day when the kids were out of the house I asked Doug “What are we going to do when we
are empty nesters?” His reply was “You will be on the phone with your mother and I’ll be out
doing something else.” I knew then that there was something seriously wrong. I felt helpless
and out of control.
Then the day that will forever be burned in my brain, September 25, 2008, he said “I love you,
but I am not in love with you.” That day and that statement changed my life forever and I will
never be the same person.
After discovering all the phone calls on his cell to Tanya, he still denied anything was going on
with her, and instead focused on how he did not love me anymore, how we co-existed as
roommates, was bored and generally not happy with his life.
16
Everything else he said made her seem insignificant at the time. I wish now that I would not
have believed him, and realized that one of the reasons he was not in love with me was
because of her. The feelings he was experiencing were the result of his experiences with Tanya.
Somehow I made it to work the next day and started searching the internet for an answer to
gain some control of the situation. The only thing I could think of was he was having a “midlife
crisis.”
That night we made love and I asked if that was going to be the last time. I really thought he
was leaving. I also realized that even though I had doubted my love for him recently, I did
indeed really love him and wanted to do everything to save our marriage. And that was what I
did.
The emotional roller coaster over the next several weeks and months was agonizing to say the
least. I basically was just trying to survive day by day. Often I just wanted to stay in bed all day
with the covers over my head. I didn’t want to face anyone, hoping they would not see the
pain in my eyes. I started avoiding my parents, my children and my co-workers. I didn’t know
what to do or where to turn. I was not sleeping or eating. I lost weight -- actually going from a
size 6 to a size 0. I experienced panic attacks and severe stomach pains as well.
My self-esteem and confidence were at an all-time low. I blamed myself for everything. “If
only I would have done this…, or was more fun.., or better looking…, had a better body… he
would still be in love with me.”
I was slipping away and the person who I always depended on to make me feel safe and help
me was the one who was causing this.
Soon my co-workers started voicing their concern about me and I figured that if they saw it, my
children certainly must know something was not right. I came to the realization that I had to
somehow pull myself together and gain some control of myself.
I really started to think about my unhappiness and the part that I played in all this, and all the
things I did wrong, etc. I read tons of books about marriage and affairs. I learned about my
past mistakes and tried everything to become the wife I should have been. I basically dedicated
my life to becoming the best wife possible. I had faith and hope that this would all work out.
Later in the fall, Doug started to make an attempt to emotionally return back to the family (not
so much with me). He stopped spending all night on the computer and would spend the
evenings with us. We started going out on “dates” together. The dates were nice but he was
so disconnected at the time that they were very difficult for me. Not knowing that his heart
and mind was somewhere else, I just kept trying and begging to save our marriage. Looking
17
back, it was not a wise choice. I was just spinning my wheels and becoming more frustrated
and depressed.
Things started to get better
Our relationship started to get a little better. We were spending more time together, really
talking, and being physical. However something was just not right. It was driving me crazy trying
to figure out what it was. He was denying an affair with her, saying they were “just friends” and
that she was helping him with his marriage. I truly believed him.
Finding out what was wrong became an obsession to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
Was it her that he had that “in love” feeling for? This obsession literally took over my life.
Everywhere I went I looked for her. At every opportunity I questioned him, looked at his cell
phone, and followed him everywhere. I had to know what was really going on. All the while he
continued to lie and betray me.
We would make love and cuddle all night and morning, then he would get out of bed and call or
text her (found that out much later). One morning I caught him texting her and he accused me
of being crazy and distrustful and made me feel about two inches tall. That’s when I hit rock
bottom and was the first time I really contemplated ending my life.
I was stronger than that
I decided that Doug and Tanya were not going to beat me down. I somehow gathered the
strength, resiliency and determination to fight on. The only reason I continued to rally on was
for my children. I didn’t want my children to lose their family, their history or their relationship
with their father.
Doug said that kids are resilient and that they would be OK if we were to split up. I truly did not
believe that and I was bound and determined not to let that happen. No matter how difficult it
was I was not going to give up on us. Deep down I really believed that he still loved me and
that all was not lost. I believed that he would come back from the crazy place he was in and
find his way back to the people who love him and care for him more than anyone else in the
world.
Little did I realize what a monumental task it was? I had no idea what I was up against.
Honestly I probably will never know. All I know is that I put my heart and soul into saving our
marriage, sometimes sacrificing my integrity, my self-worth, my feelings and my relationships
just for him.
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Resentment surfaces
During this time it was evident that Doug was harboring some deep seated resentment towards
me which prohibited him from coming back to me entirely. He doubted that my intentions
were real as my sudden change in attitude towards him and our relationship wasn’t realistic to
him. He basically felt that I was making all these changes because I was desperate and would
eventually go back to the way things were before all this happened. Why did it take this event
for me to make changes?
At times I really began to doubt if we were ever in love. Once he made the comment that I gave
him an ultimatum to marry me and that we were never really happy and that we fell in love
because we were always drunk.
I learned in my research though that you should believe nothing cheaters say and do as they
are in a different mental state and will say things that they believe is true to justify the affair.
In December of that year my obsession with Tanya began to grow. I couldn’t take it any longer,
so I really confronted him about needing to know the truth. I didn’t know if he sensed my
urgency or was just ready to let it out, but he told me that they had become close and that he
thought he loved her.
For some silly reason I felt a sense of relief that it was finally out and we could deal with it and
move on. Not until later did I find out that there was much more to tell and that the pain would
continue for many months.
One of the things that Doug was really apprehensive about was regarding my desire for us to
speak with a marriage counselor. He didn’t think we needed to since we were aware of the
problems that caused the affair. With much prodding on my part, he finally relented and we
made an appointment with a therapist.
The session went well and some things came to light during our session. We would not go back
but it did give us a road map and some suggestions to follow moving forward.
One of the therapist’s suggestions was total transparency within our relationship. I had read
several books about this as it relates to affairs and the importance that it plays in healing from
an affair. One of the things I wanted was to look at his cell phone records, so I asked for his
password to his cell phone account. I had an exciting feeling as I finally had some control and
would finally I know the truth. The moment I saw the cell records I wanted to die. I couldn’t
believe what I saw.
The records showed the ugly truth. How long it had been going on. The amount of contact
between the two of them. The hundreds of texts a day. The dates he talked to her, like on
19
Mother’s day, on vacation, camping trips, my birthday, etc. I had no idea it was so serious. I
was ready to end our marriage.
I could no longer live with the pain. I felt I was not strong enough to deal with this. When I told
him he could leave he said the one thing I had been waiting six months to hear. He said he
didn’t want to go. When I asked why, he said that he loved me and his family. Those words
gave me the strength to deal with the pain. However I had no idea how hard that would be.
I turned to grieving the loss of innocence of our relationship. The person I thought Doug was,
how easily I was replaced, our history, none of it made sense to me anymore.
My obsession turned from knowing the truth, to understanding the truth. I would spend much
of my day pouring over the cell records from the last year. Comparing dates and reconstructing
their days. The phone records proved they would begin the morning texting, then a phone call,
continue texting, lunch date, text, on the way home another phone call. Knowing everything
became the obsession with me.
I felt if I knew everything then I would know if it was still going on (which it was). I would be
safe from the pain. I would have some control. Ironically the pain was always there and I was
never safe. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever feel normal again.
I began to drive Doug crazy with questions. There were so many things I didn’t understand.
How could he do this to me? How could he continue to tell me there was no contact when
there still was? How could he tell me he loves me every night and continue to lie and betray
me? Is he here just because of the children or does he want to be with me as well? I couldn’t
do this anymore.
It seemed as though we would move one step forward and two steps back. Doug would reveal
the truth in chunks. It would have been so much easier if he had told me everything from the
very beginning. Just when I thought I had a grasp on things, something new would surface.
In February of 2009 Tanya’s husband somehow found out about the affair. I think him finding
out was a good thing as I believe it made Doug realize the implications of his relationship and
that he was not just hurting me.
Another major event also occurred that caused things to turn around. One night we were
arguing, and we must have been too loud. Though we thought the kids were asleep, apparently
one of our daughters was not and she heard our heated discussion. The next morning our
daughter asked me “Is Daddy having an affair?”
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I never thought I would ever have to answer that question. I didn’t have the answer as I was
struggling to answer that question myself. What could I tell my very sensitive daughter that
would make her think that everything was going to be OK, when I really didn’t know myself?
There were things that I would have liked to have said to her, but I was not going to tarnish a
little girl’s vision of her father, so I told her that “Mom and Dad became very busy and stopped
talking and having fun together, and Dad became close to a woman at work. He was lonely so
he starting talking to her. We are trying to do everything we can to get close again and spend
more time together.”
I made her no promises and I left it at that. The hardest part for me was knowing that she had
actually found out months ago and kept it to herself, suffering in silence. I was so caught up in
my own problems that I didn’t even notice. Big guilt!
The Journey back
I believe sometime after that he broke off contact with Tanya. I am not really sure but he
seemed to be coming back to me. He wanted to spend more time with me alone. He touched
me more and looked at me in a different way. It was nowhere near where I wanted us to be, as
I felt that I had been so patient up until now that I wanted him back immediately. I couldn’t
understand why it was so difficult for him and I really didn’t want to face the fact that it could
be because he still loved her and was attached to her. Those thoughts just killed me and ate
away at me. They still do.
Again, I found more books and after reading one in particular I realized that I cannot control
Doug or his feelings. I need to let him go and figure things out for himself. He needed to figure
out just what it is he really wants. Is the affair really worth what he stands to lose? So I backed
off. I stopped questioning and snooping, and I gave him space. Meanwhile, I worked on me. I
spent time with friends, took an exercise class and reconnected with my kids.
I figured that by doing this that whatever he decides to do “I will be OK.” I learned that I am a
very special person and during this time I have displayed nothing but strength, patience and
integrity. My children would be very proud and love me no matter what happened. So
knowing that gave me the strength to let Doug go and the confidence to know that he would
follow his heart and find his way back to me.
It seems at that point that Doug really came back to me in earnest. He started doing all the
right (most of the time) things by showing and expressing his love for me, and his sincere regret
at what happened.
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It’s been an ongoing struggle at times, but right now we are at a point where our love and
marriage is the strongest it has ever been. We communicate, have fun together, and act like
we did when we first met. You can never go completely back since our lives are so much
different now then when we were eighteen, but the feeling inside is certainly there. It’s a
shame that it took something as devastating as an affair to open both of our eyes and lead us to
a happy ending.
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An Issue of Trust
One of the hardest things we’ve had to deal with lately about my emotional affair is that Linda
is continuing to have a problem with trusting me and continually questions whether I really do
love her. It’s not a question of trust in the normal sense of Linda thinking I’m out on the prowl
for women or anything like that. I don’t honestly think she still believes I’m having an
emotional affair with Tanya either. Rather, it’s more that she has a hard time understanding
how I could all of a sudden stop a relationship with someone else, and start loving her fully
again. She knows how I was deceiving her previously and thinks that I may just be pretending
to be back in love with her because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do.
The day after Christmas Linda was somewhat distant, and I could tell that she was upset and
depressed, and at one point she even lay down in bed and was crying. When I questioned her
about what was the matter, she said she wasn’t sure I’m really back since I “pretended” to be
back last Christmas. She is trying to understand what I was thinking of a year ago and why I
chose to have feelings for another person.
I can tell you that these depressed moods that she gets into while concentrating on things that
happened over a year ago, are becoming quite frustrating, though I do understand and can
appreciate her feelings. I can’t think of anything else that I can do to make her believe that I’m
back in love with her and I’m where I want to be, and that I don’t have any feelings for Tanya
anymore. I tell her that I love her, I don’t think of Tanya anymore, and that I want to be with
her– often. She remains skeptical.
It’s all an issue of trust. But it’s a little more complicated than just making her believe that the
marital affair is over, as I’m sure she knows that it is. It’s trying to make her believe (trust) that
I made the decision to end the affair and stay with her because I wanted to and not that I felt I
“had” to because of family, or whatever other reason. That being said, how can I reestablish
the trust factor with Linda? It’s something that is going to take time, which is understandable.
To help with this situation I referred to Dr. Frank Gunzberg’s book “How to Survive an Affair”
and one of the tips really struck a chord with me. As it pertains to my situation, one of the
things that I must do is to try to make her completely understand that I eventually came to
realize exactly what I put at risk by my deceptive and deplorable behavior. It’s was very clear to
me that all I’ve worked for, loved, and held dear was in serious jeopardy. And, when I looked at
her or held her while she was sobbing, and realized how much I hurt and devastated her, it
suddenly hit me very hard and made me realize I was a fool, and that I had been incredibly
stupid and destructive. I came to realize that I risked this almost 30-year long relationship for
someone who was really a stranger to me.
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Emotional Affair Signs
So just what is an emotional affair, and how do you know if you’re involved in one, and how can
you tell if perhaps your spouse might be involved in one?
David Moultrup has broadly defined an extramarital affair as a relationship between a person
and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy,
emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to
create emotional distance in the marriage.
This viewpoint does not require sexual play or sexual intercourse in order to define the
presence of nor the impact of an affair on a committed relationship. Moultrup is the author of
‘Husbands, Wives & Lovers’ and has contributed to ‘The Handbook of the Clinical Treatment
of Infidelity’.
An emotional affair has the capacity to injure a committed relationship sometimes more than if
it were a one night stand or about casual sex. There is a gender difference in perceptions of
harm. Research has confirmed that ‘men are especially bothered by evidence of their partner’s
sexual infidelity, whereas women are troubled more by evidence of emotional infidelity.’
Those involved in an emotional affair are often in denial. They don’t think they’re having an
affair at all. The denial keeps them guilt-free, and they feel they don’t have to give it up. They
tell themselves, “It’s just a friendship.”
So how do you know if your relationship has evolved into an emotional affair?
•
•
•
•
When most meetings and conversations are kept secret from your partner.
When you say and do things with someone you never would do in front of your spouse.
When you make a point to arrange private talk time with them.
When you share stuff with them that you don’t with your partner.
There are several additional warning signs of an emotional affair:
•
•
•
•
•
•
You are withdrawing from your spouse.
You are preoccupied and daydream about your friend more and more.
You are not interested in being intimate with your spouse, either emotionally or
sexually.
The amount of time you and your spouse spend together is less.
When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, “We’re just
friends.”
You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again.
Alone time together is important to you.
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•
•
•
•
You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your
spouse.
You find reasons to give your friend personal gifts.
Your friend seems to understand you better than your spouse does.
You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse.
Signs of Doug’s affair:
At the time I felt that we were drifting apart–that I was losing touch with Doug. I often tried to
connect with him, but was unsuccessful. Looking back I now really see the affair signs and
behaviors that confirmed that Doug was having an affair. However, at the time I was in denial
and could not believe that he would go outside our marriage, nor could I believe that he was
that kind of husband.
•
One thing that stands out is that Doug was overly critical of my behavior, appearance
etc. I remember one day, he told me how much he hated my sunglasses, Doug is not
one to pay attention to what I am wearing etc. but on this particular day he said my
large sunglasses look stupid. Ironically, when I found out about his affair, the first thing I
did was go out and buy smaller sunglasses. Boy was I stupid.
•
He was quite withdrawn. He would go off by himself, listen to his Ipod, stay in his office
all evening and not want to engage in family activities. He seemed quite preoccupied
most of the time.
•
He would exercise excessively, and was generally more concerned about his appearance
than usual.
•
He drank more
•
He was very possessive about his phone. He would carry it with him, and would be
talking on it often always away from me when on the phone. He was texting often and
would lie about who he was texting. As a result we had very large phone and text bills
(could not get access to actual bill so I had no idea why the bill was so large).
•
Longer work hours, even though his business was very slow at the time.
•
He became very defensive when I would ask questions concerning our relationship and
would turn it around and blame any problems on me.
•
Lack of affection. He would not be interested when I initiated physical contact.
•
He would not talk about our future.
25
•
He would start fights about trivial things, always making me feel that I was wrong, or not
good enough.
•
He generally devalued me as a wife. For example: he said he wouldn’t care if I found
someone else and always saw the negative rather than my positive attributes.
I believe that the hardest thing to deal with when I found out about his affair was that all the
signs of an affair and related behaviors came flooding back to me. All the behaviors were
evident, yet I didn’t see them, or maybe I did, but chose to ignore them or chose not to say
anything. I should have known and should have tried to stop it before it became so serious. I
was very angry at myself for being so stupid and trusting.
This is something that I deal with today, because I don’t ever want to feel like that again. That
is why today I still struggle with trust and am always on high alert to any change in Doug’s
behavior. It is a terrible way to live a life and a marriage, and I try everyday to overcome these
feeling and I hope with time the feelings of fear will go away and we will truly have the
marriage that we both deserve.
26
How to Save Your Marriage
Doug asked me to write an article on how I “won” him back after his emotional affair. First of
all I want the readers to know that the phrase “win back” does not sit well with me. One reason
being Doug is not my possession, he is not a thing and to say I won him back is inaccurate. He is
my partner and my husband and I do not own him. We are a partnership and our marriage is a
union.
Another reason is I feel that I didn’t win. This wasn’t a contest that I agreed to be a part of, and
in all honesty at the time I felt like I lost more than I had won. I lost the feelings of trust,
security and idealization I had in our marriage. I lost because all the special times we had
together; the conversations, the “I love yous,” the phone calls, etc. that we shared and meant
so much to me really don’t have the same meaning knowing how easily he was able to share
them with someone else. However, I can say with time I am realizing there are ways that I have
won, as our marriage is becoming the very thing I have been longing for.
I want you to know that when I started this journey I didn’t know that Doug was involved in an
emotional affair, so everything I did was based on what Doug expressed to me. Such things as
him saying he wasn’t in love with me anymore,that we were living as roommates and that he
was unhappy. Looking back, if I would have known that there was someone else in his life I
believe I may have done some things differently.
So this is what I did to save my marriage:
First of all, I took a hard look at myself. What was my part in the deterioration of our
marriage? Was I happy with my life and myself? What did I need to change? I learned that I
too was unhappy with our marriage and my life. I had lost my self-concept. I had become a
mother, teacher, wife and forgot who I was.
I had lost a love of my life. I had let past disappointments and stress take over my happiness
and I was bitter and resentful. However, when I was faced with losing it all I realized how lucky
I was. It really didn’t take much for me to put all those negative feelings away and see my life in
a whole new light. By looking at my life positively and appreciating everything that I had gave
me the strength and determination to do whatever I could to save my marriage.
I made changes. I read every book available on relationships, marriages, love etc. I learned
how to communicate, how to be intimate, how to make a man love you. To be honest I was on
knowledge overload. There was so much information out there that I really didn’t know what
direction to take or what to do first. So I believe I did it all. I was determined to be the perfect
wife, to make Doug love me again. Looking back it was a mistake and that I should have
focused on me. I should have done anything in my power to make me feel better about myself.
27
We made changes. Now knowing the situation, Doug was in no frame of mind to accept or
comprehend trying to save our marriage. In some ways it was a waste of time. However, there
were some positives. I initiated that we spend more time together doing fun things. We began
to communicate and discuss our problems. We became more physical. There was a lot of
apprehension to do these things on Doug’s part and progress was very slow and frustrating, but
doing these things gave me some sense of control.
What I would have done differently?
I would have read more books, articles and websites about emotional and marital affairs.
Knowledge is power. When you are the betrayed spouse in an affair you feel you have lost all
power. Learning about affairs, what causes them, the dynamics, and if they last gave me power
to fight for my marriage.
In the beginning I believed that Doug fell in love with Tanya, and being the romantic that I am, I
believed nothing could stand in their way. I also believed that if he loved her that much then
they should be together. After reading hundreds of books and websites I realized that there is a
lot more to an emotional affair than just love, and I needed to get control of myself and find a
way to bring him back to me. So basically, I stopped the questioning, the snooping, the
following him around, and focused as much as possible on me.
I’m not really sure if what I did was anything so special, but more just common sense, effort,
knowledge and determination!
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That Loving Feeling
In response to Linda’s post from yesterday, I’d like to say that looking back on things, there
came a point when I realized that there were too many things that were so important to me
that I was risking losing by my continuing to have a relationship with Tanya. I guess the first
and foremost was the thought of losing my family. My family means everything to me, and the
thought of possibly losing them made me take a long hard look at what I was doing, and
eventually motivated me to break things off with Tanya. Additionally, I felt immense guilt for
the pain and suffering that I had caused to Linda. She did not deserve that, and it is something I
still feel badly about to this day. So that was the start.
I made my decision to break things off and try to rebuild my relationship with Linda. At the
time however, there was still the fact that I had lost some of that “in love” feeling with her.
That gradually came back over time as we started to spend more time together doing fun
things, talking and spending more “quality” time together. Basically we were doing the things
we had done when we first started dating. We placed more value on us then we did on things
such as working in the yard, or cleaning the garage, or even doing things with the kids. During
these times, we would talk a lot about what we wanted in a relationship and were completely
open and honest with each other. We held hands. We cuddled. We laughed.
Our sex life also became much more satisfying as we both were able to express ourselves more
openly and honestly in the bedroom too. This caused us to become even closer on an
emotional level. Prior to that, we basically were just going through the motions not just in the
bedroom, but in our relationship as well.
Eventually, I started to have those strong feelings of being in love with Linda again. It’s been
like starting over again and it feels great. I can honestly say that Tanya is a distant memory, and
that Linda truly does have my whole heart. As an added bonus, I truly cherish and enjoy not
only her company but also those of my children much more than I did while I was “away.”
To sum it all up…my emotional infidelity with Tanya offered me many of the things that had
been missing in Linda and my relationship over the past few years. It was exciting. It was
fresh. It was fun. It made me feel good. By basically starting at square one with Linda, I (we)
have been able to resuscitate our love life and now I feel all those things—and more–in my
relationship with her. I wish I had been smart enough to think of doing these things in the first
place!
29
Speak Your Mind Calmly
One of the issues that may have caused Linda and I to drift apart was the fact that we both
tended to shy away from confrontation. Now on the surface you might think that it isn’t such a
bad thing to do, as there sure are a lot less arguments that way! However, when things were
said or done that upset either one of us, we would typically get mad, but end up holding the
emotions inside of us where it would build into resentment.
Now that I look back on it, I believe when faced with confrontation we do much better when
we calmly discuss the issue or point of contention. This is one area of communication that we
are still working on, but we have become much better at speaking our minds, no matter what.
This has also helped to increase the level of trust with each other, and certainly Linda’s trust
with me.
As I may have mentioned previously, Linda is always questioning me about things that
happened during my emotional affair with Tanya. I do understand why she does it, and she has
every right to do it, but I must admit that this frustrates and often angers me. Whatever
emotion I’m feeling, I tell her so, and in turn she calmly explains why she is asking whatever it is
she’s asking me. We then continue to discuss things, and eventually the conversation ends in a
good way and neither of us feels as though we have been beaten up.
You see, most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. If
people respond to confrontation or points of contention by defending themselves (to a
perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away,
then of course, the relationship remains stuck in a state of mistrust and fear.
Rather than reacting and having our feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, Linda
and I practice charging calmly. We try to communicate calm and cool, not only in our tone of
voice but also in how we carry our bodies. We say what we must say, state the truth and do it
directly and calmly. The effect has been a dramatic flow in our relationship. Either of us can
point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. We maintain control at all times,
which not only feels great, but we trust each other not to fly off the handle. This gives each of
us a sense of personal power, and has helped us to develop a trust in each other that we will
always operate from a quiet center, remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with
conviction and calmness.
If you tend to back down during confrontation, letting the emotions build up to the point of
resentment, give the tactic discussed above a shot. I think you will find that it will not only help
you work out the problems that crop up periodically, but also will help you to re-establish trust
in your relationship.
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Connecting with Your Spouse
Linda and I went out of town this weekend to finish up a project I’ve been working on for my
sister the past couple of months. We worked most of the day painting and sanding drywall, and
then we went out to dinner at a local pub both Saturday and Sunday night. Outside of the hard
work that we performed, it turned out to be a nice weekend away together. We don’t often
get to get away together alone too much due to all the extracurricular activities our children are
involved in, along with just being plain busy with work and everyday life.
We spent some quality time together working, talking and having a little bit of uncontrolled sex
for a change. It’s obvious that we need to do more of this on a regular basis. It was also
obvious that NOT doing things like this contributed to our marital problems and my emotional
infidelity.
Do you remember when there were no children in your life? Hanging out with your spouse was
your first priority. You had fun going on dates. You had time to talk and share with each other
your day’s events. And sex was something you looked forward to. And then along came kids.
Suddenly, life became centered on your children. Time for each other as a couple was rare.
Author Lori Radun suggests that if you think that once the kids leave the nest that you will
automatically go right back to where you were early in your marriage? Think again. If you and
your spouse plan to be a happy couple after the children have left, you need to grow and
connect with each other today. While there are no guarantees that you and your spouse will be
one of those cute, old couples you see in the movies there are things you can do to increase
your odds:
•
A healthy marriage has unity. Always think of your spouse as a teammate. Create a
marriage with a shared vision and shared goals.
•
As spouses, you should be best friends. Your marriage is a place for intimacy, and being
intimate means sharing completely and honestly who you are – your feelings, likes and
dislikes, your dreams, and what is important to you. Intimacy happens when both
people can share anything and feel safe in doing so. You and your spouse will always be
growing, so take the time to understand each other in every way – socially, emotionally,
mentally, physically and spiritually. Intimacy is only achieved by spending time together
regularly.
•
Safety in marriage comes from knowing you can trust your partner completely. Being
trustworthy means you love and respect your spouse. You keep your commitments and
strive to treat each other with compassion and understanding. Your spouse needs to
know without a doubt that you are not going anywhere, even when the going gets
tough.
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•
Every marriage has conflict and every couple has differences. If you are going to grow
and connect with your spouse, you have to learn to work through your disagreements.
Make every effort to understand each other. Understanding comes about when you can
listen with your heart. It’s so much easier to brainstorm win-win solutions when there is
a clear understanding of what is important to each partner.
•
Speaking of differences, the healthy couple accepts and embraces each other’s
strengths and weaknesses. If you think about it, there is a positive and a negative to
every quality. When one spouse has a perceived weakness, often times the other
spouse balances it with a strength. Encourage the development of your spouse’s
strengths and be patient with the weaknesses.
•
When you spend time getting to know each other and sharing yourself, you will
naturally feel affectionate. Sexual intimacy is an important element in marriage. In
order for women to desire sex, there needs to be healthy emotional intimacy. And men
typically achieve emotional closeness through physical intimacy. It is important for each
partner to work to satisfy the other’s needs. Make the time to ignite the passion.
It is important for a couple to grow together, but it is also important for each person in the
marriage to grow individually. It takes a lot of hard work and maintenance to make your
marriage thrive, but it is well worth it. Linda and I are now making a conscious effort to spend
quality time together and it is paying off!
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Find the Strength To Survive the Affair
I received an email from someone today that brought me back to a time where I was feeling
lost, frustrated and didn’t know where to turn. I wanted to help this woman and give her to
some insight so she would have the strength to survive an affair and save her marriage. During
the time when I found out about my husband’s marital affair, I visited so many websites, read
hundreds of books and listened to well meaning friends. However there was so much
conflicting information and ideas that I felt I was pulled in too many directions. So I thought I
would compile a brief list of my thoughts, some books, websites and information that I found
helpful. Hopefully, you will too.
First of all, the affair is not your fault. I know that your spouse may be blaming you, or telling
you all the things you should have done differently. I know that there were behaviors that
should be changed by both partners. However, your spouse made the choice to go outside the
marriage to get his/her needs met. They may have said they didn’t go looking for an affair and
that “it just happened.” However, the spouse made the choice everyday whether to continue
that relationship or to go back and work on their marriage. So don’t feel guilty or take the
blame for their actions.
Look inward. One thing you need to do is look at yourself and see how your behaviors may
have contributed to the deterioration of your marriage. Your spouse also has to take
responsibility for their part. After reading the book Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires;
The Respect He Desperately Needs” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, I learned that problems in a
marriage are a result of a vicious cycle. One unwanted behavior from a spouse will produce
another reciprocal behavior, and the cycle continues until one day you wake up and realize
your marriage is in serious trouble.
Another book I found extremely helpful was The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program
for Saving Your Marriage” by Michelle Weiner-Davis. This book was a lifesaver for me. I was
becoming frustrated and anxious because I thought that Doug may still be involved with Tanya.
I had tried everything I thought I should do and thought I was not being successful. This book
helped me to look at my behaviors and myself differently. It gave me power to continue to try
to save my marriage. If time is a problem for you, skip to the chapters on infidelity and mid-life
crisis. However, try to read the entire book because it offers insights on how to look at your
behaviors in a different way.
Find a friend who will support you. Find someone who will tell you everyday how wonderful
you are. Someone who will tell you that your spouse will never find anyone like you. Try to stay
away from friends who want to offer marital advice. It is very easy to tell someone they should
leave or get a divorce if they are not living your situation.
Stop obsessing over the other man/women. I know this is a difficult task, especially when your
spouse is telling you what a perfect person they are. I spent too much time and energy on
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thinking about what she looked like, how she acted, what did she have that I didn’t.
Unfortunately, it is still something that haunts me today. However I do know that she wasn’t
perfect. Instead, the conditions were perfect for Doug to portray her that way. Everything was
easy. There was no responsibility–only phone calls, texts and lunch dates.
Take responsibility for yourself. For a many months I tried to convince Doug that he should end
his emotional affair and work on our marriage. And for many months he continued contacting
her and continued the affair. I realized that he needed to make that decision on his own. I
cannot control his thoughts and actions. The only control I have is my behavior. So I began to
do things that made me feel better. I went out with friends, took a personal training “bootcamp” class, exercised often, took long baths, went shopping, etc. I learned that I would be OK
with or without him. I wanted to be married to Doug but I didn’t need to be, and that I am a
very strong, intelligent, and attractive women who kept her respect and integrity throughout
this situation.
Look for the small gestures. I know that some mornings when you wake up only to realize the
nightmare you are having is your reality and it is almost impossible to get out of bed. Something
that helped me get through the day was looking for small gestures. Things that Doug did to
show that he was coming back. It could be a look, a tap on the shoulder, a touch when they
walk by, or a compliment. In Doug’s case he started to spend less time in his office and more
time in the family room with us. I know that you want your nightmare to be over and you want
your spouse to run into your arms and say he/she is sorry. Chances are this is not going to
happen so you need to look at the small behaviors and gestures to give you the courage to
carry on.
Write down your thoughts. I found keeping a journal to be helpful. I would write down the
small gestures, my fears, my emotions. Writing them down became a release for me and
helped me get a handle on my feelings.
Hopefully these tips will help you!
Best wishes,
Linda
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Stupid Things Said While in an Affair
This post may not be appropriate, however sometimes it’s nice to add a little humor when the
content is so serious. I did not intend to make fun of Doug or make him look stupid, even
though he was! I just think some of the things he said were humorous.
It’s true that when you are married to someone for a while you believe that you know that
person pretty well. You know their likes and dislikes and their behavior is fairly predictable.
When your spouse is involved in a marital affair all of that goes out the window. I would
constantly wonder if someone kidnapped my husband and returned someone who had lost his
mind. He would say and do things that were not representative of his behavior and history.
At times I thought I was losing my mind because maybe I really didn’t know him as well as I
thought I did. This is why I compiled a list of stupid things Doug said why he was involved in his
emotional affair. If your spouse is having an affair I am sure you may have heard some of these.
If not, just give it time. I just wanted to let you know that you are not crazy.
1. “She is helping me with our marriage.” I feel so fortunate that Doug was able to find
someone who was in an unhappy and deteriorating marriage to help us with our marriage. I
know that last year we were reaping the benefits of her advice! (Heavy sarcasm)
2. “You would like her.” You know that if your spouse is involved in an affair you will
understand why I choose not to comment on this one. This site is rated PG!
3. “We (Tanya and Doug) don’t believe or agree with marriage counseling.” When I found out
about Doug’s affair, I was desperate and didn’t know what to do. So I found a marriage
counselor and scheduled an appointment. On the day of our appointment Doug and Tanya had
a lot of activity on the phone texting, and talking back and forth. I am sure they were discussing
how marriage counseling would not help save our marriage.
4. “We see things the same way; we agree on almost everything.” I guess that is true when
you are living in an affair bubble. You may be discussing problems, however you are not living
together, facing financial problems, dealing with the demands of children, coping with times
your spouse is not being very loving, etc.
5. “Ending the affair was a process.” When I found out about Doug’s affair I wanted him to stop
all contact with her. He was unable to do that immediately, even though I was deteriorating
both physical and mentally before his eyes. He said it took time, I guess they had to wean
themselves from each other, almost like being addicted to a drug. Did I just say addiction?
Hmmm.
6. “We have nothing in common anymore.” Of course we don’t. You are so busy living a
second life that you really don’t have time to ask me out to lunch, go to a concert or play
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tennis. And of course it is so easy to talk about what you and your affair partner have in
common, though you really don’t have to do any of them.
7. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” What does that mean? That after thirty years
together you don’t have that exciting, fresh feeling that we used to have?? That instead you
have deep, committed feelings that come with commitment, history, acceptance and honesty??
That it may not produce that tingling feeling you had when you were a teenager (which
eventually ends, but with time and effort you experience a much more meaningful kind of
love)?
8. “Kids are resilient.” While Doug was involved in the affair, he believed that if our marriage
ended our kids would be OK. I knew that if this happened our children would never be the
same. Not only would their future be affected, they would have looked at their past as a lie. All
the good memories would have been viewed differently and they would have also carried
enormous guilt believing that this may have been their fault.
9. “We are just friends.” If you were just friends then why is it that I never met her, and why
did you never tell me when you were with her? If you were just friends why was your
relationship based on lies and secrets?
There you have it. I’m sure eventually I can come up with many more! When I do, you can be
sure I’ll post them here.
** Note: You may want to click the link in the title of this entry and review some of the additional stupid
things said while in an affair that our readers added in the comments to this post.
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Friday Night Was a Rough One!
I am having much difficulty each time I read one of Doug’s posts. For some reason, after
reading his last post, I became very emotional and upset and he is having a hard time dealing
with this. He doesn’t understand why I become so upset about something that happened a
year ago and has been discussed a thousand times before. I thought about this and I explained
to him that in some ways when I see it in print it is like finding it out for the first time.
When I found out about Doug’s emotional affair, I found out in chunks. When I thought I knew
everything there was to know, I would question him about something and new information
would surface. Just when I thought I was ready to heal from this, he would tell me something
new and I would have to start all over again. This went on for many months and it got to the
point where I believed that if I continued asking, then maybe I would finally arrive at the whole
truth. The problem with the questioning was that it was very emotional for me and many times
I wasn’t really sure if I truly heard and understood his answers, and also Doug was very
impatient with all the questioning, which didn’t make things any easier. He would get angry,
impatient and would not be very empathetic. I can understand that he had answered these
questions before and he just wanted to move on, however I thought I needed to know
everything in order to begin to heal. It came to a point where these confrontations were taking
a toll on me both physically and emotionally.
The questioning was proving to be a barrier in trying to save our marriage. Doug was angry and
I was feeling unloved because he was not being sympathetic or understanding. So after reading
the book The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage” by
Michelle Weiner-Davis, I decided to stop the questioning. Doug probably thought that I had
moved on and that I was finally OK. Unfortunately, little did he know that in my mind I was
obsessing about it constantly. The lack of questioning him though, gave us an opportunity for
our relationship to grow. Finally he was able to show me affection and love and I was able to
be the fun wife he had been longing for. We began to communicate better, show respect for
each other’s feelings and become whole again.
A short time after this Doug became interested in starting a web site about emotional affairs.
At first I was very apprehensive. I didn’t know if I could go through this again and share
everything that has happened the last year. I was afraid it would be too painful and I didn’t
know if I could handle reading what Doug had to say about his affair. However the experience
has given us the opportunity to really explore what happened in our marriage, what caused the
affair and how we can save our marriage. It was like having a third party helping us through
this, but the third party was our words and feelings. However, when you write down your
feelings they are right there to read and analyze over and over.
I also feel that Doug is much better at expressing himself through writing, so many of the things
that he writes I’m hearing from him for the the first time. He also has learned so much about
himself and his emotional affair because of the time and research for our blog. What’s
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interesting is that many of his insights are different than he had originally expressed a year ago.
He is finally being totally honest about his feelings and it has been somewhat difficult for me to
handle and as a result I become very upset. However, this time we are handling the situation
much different. Doug is much more patient, understanding and compassionate. I truly feel
loved and understood. I am also trying to respect and except Doug’s thoughts and feelings. We
are also able to end these emotional episodes of mine feeling closer and more in love than
ever.
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Linda’s View of Ending an Affair
After reading Doug’s post about ending an affair, I decided to write a perceptive from my point
of view. I have researched loads of statistics pertaining to people leaving their spouses for their
affair partners and just how successful the resulting marriages were. In the book How to Get
Him Back from the Other Woman: If You Still Want Him, the author sites that most men
eventually return to their marriages after an affair. But of the small percent that do marry their
affair partner, 75% of those marriages result in divorce. This statistic would seem to indicate
that most men at some point realize what they are doing is a mistake, and that they belong
back with their families. The book also says that most affairs die on their own, or that
sometimes an imbalance occurs when one affair partner begins to expect more than the other
is willing to give.
I also learned from the book After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a
Partner Has Been Unfaithful, that an affair between two partners that are married can ebb and
flow for many years. The reason being is that both partners are not only getting their needs met
from their affair partners but they are also getting other needs met from their spouses. The
author implies their marriage is the cake, and the affair is like the icing on the cake. Since both
are experiencing a full life with their families, the imbalance I discussed above would take a
longer time to occur. Both partners are satisfied with their relationship the way it is, absent of
any commitment and/or possibility of destroying their families.
Armed with this information, I needed to do something to interrupt the perfect balance of Doug
and Tanya’s relationship. Affairs are based on secrets and the only way to disrupt their perfect
world is to reveal their secret. I would say the rest is history.
When I became suspicious that Doug was involved with another woman, I confronted him with
proof from his cell phone. He denied that anything was happening, saying they were just
friends, and creating a diversion by stating that he had fallen out of love with me. I continued to
have suspicions. These suspicions haunted me for many months, but also helped to break the
perfect balance of their emotional affair since the secret was out and I knew who the woman
was and that there was a lot of contact between them via cell phones.
The following month after I confronted Doug about Tanya, he was in the denial stage. He was
trying to continue the relationship like he had for the last six months. He felt no guilt because
they were just friends and felt I had forgotten about her because I was so focused on saving our
marriage. However that didn’t last very long. I was trying to be the perfect wife by doing
everything I thought he wanted me to do and still he was having trouble connecting with me. I
just couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was telling me there was more to the story. So I
started pressing him about Tanya. I also was becoming emotionally upset because I felt our
marriage was beyond repair.
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This is when I believed that Doug really started to experience guilt. I also believed that the
wonderful feelings that he had experienced about himself during the emotional affair were
fading and he began to wonder what kind of man he had become. With guilt, there has to be
change. Their situation could not stay the same. For the first time since Doug started this
relationship he had to think about what he was doing and that what he was doing was hurtful
and wrong.
At that time Doug said that he started to become distant with Tanya. I believe this was the case
mainly due to the guilt, but also I believe it was because we were beginning to connect again.
We were having fun, having deep discussions and being very physical. Maybe, just maybe he
didn’t need her as much as he did in the past.
Tanya began to sense Doug’s distance and became very upset. The once confident, fun-loving,
exciting woman that Doug experienced in the beginning of their affair, was now becoming
jealous, clingy and insecure. Since Doug already had a woman like this at home, he surely didn’t
need another one like this to deal with! I also think that he was beginning to see sides of her
that he had not experienced before. It is amazing how reality can affect a person’s behavior!
Doug had to look himself in the mirror and ask himself some hard questions: Where is this
going? Is this what I really want? Do I want to leave my family, my life? Am I in love with her or
am I in love with the experience? Do Tanya and I really have anything in common? If I put as
much time in effort as I did in my affair into our marriage could I save my marriage? What if
Linda is the love of my life and I lost her?
As you know Doug was able to answer those questions, and he eventually found his way back
to me. I believed that by bringing the affair out in the open it gave me an opportunity to fight
for my marriage. I took the power away from the affair and gave some of that power back to
me.
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Facts You Need to Know About Infidelity
Today we are honored to have Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach as a guest blogger.
Dr. Huizenga has been a Marriage and Family Therapist and Psychotherapist, and has worked
with hundreds of couples and thousands of individuals experiencing individual and marital
problems (such as affairs). He is the author of “Break Free From the Affair”, which was one
of the many resources that Linda read after she discovered my emotional affair with Tanya.
We highly recommend that you check it out.
Dr. Huizenga writes:
Can a marriage be saved after the experience of infidelity? The ability of a marriage to survive
depends on the type of affair. I’ve identified 7 unique forms of infidelity and for some the ability
to save the marriage is much less than for others.
For some infidelity is a wake up call; it calls forth the coping powers of both, who respond well
and a new marriage is created. Other marriages end in divorce court – infidelity destroying any
remnants of trust and hope.
Different types of infidelity demand different strategies to confront the infidelity, stop the affair
(if that is the goal) and heal in the aftermath.
There is no one cookie-cutter strategy that fits all affairs or forms of infidelity.
Infidelity hits to the core of how one thinks of him/her self. Infidelity is a powerfully destructive
and life-altering event. One facing the onslaught of marital infidelity must know to accept its
initial power and pain.
Also know the ravages of infidelity lasts for months, not weeks or hours. Hours and days of
unproductivity, staring into space (attempting to reconcile the deeds of the cheating spouse)
and moments of tears and fear characterize this tragedy.
The powerful impact of infidelity results primarily from the erosion of trust. The trust one had,
in the other and in the capacity to read correctly one’s instinct, are called into question. The
loss of trust is painfully felt and the rebuilding of the ability to trust one’s inner guidance is one
of the first steps in breaking free from the affair.
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How Would You Accept Emotional Infidelity?
While surfing the web the other day, I came across the following article which discusses how a
study suggests that women have a harder time accepting emotional infidelity, while men have a
harder time with sexual infidelity.
In our own circumstance, I can attest to the fact that on more than one occasion, Linda has said
that she could accept a sexual affair more so than the emotional affair. I believe it stems from
the fact that she and I have had such a deep-rooted relationship spanning some 30 years with
many, many emotions, trials and tribulations shared together, and that she felt a high level of
security within our marriage and relationship.
In my case, I would think that I would have a harder time accepting an emotional affair as well,
for many of the same reasons. However, I don’t think I’d be all too happy about a sexual affair
either! Which one would be worse? I guess it’s tough to really tell unless you actually have to
live through the situation—which I hope I won’t have to!
After reading the article below, I’d be interested in any comments you might have on which
would upset you more…emotional infidelity or sexual infidelity, and why.
“Men get jealous over sex & women emotions”
The Times of India
ANI, 27 January 2010, 02:05pm IST
While it has been noted that women cannot digest emotional infidelity and men fail to accept
sexual infidelity, new research has suggested that this difference in jealousy goes beyond
gender differences.
The researchers said that such differences have more to do with how two people are attached
in a relationship. Research has documented that most men become much more jealous about
sexual infidelity than they do about emotional infidelity and women are the opposite. The
prevailing theory is that the difference has evolutionary origins, men learned over eons to be
hyper-vigilant about sex because they can never be absolutely certain they are the father of a
child, while women are much more concerned about having a partner who is committed to
raising a family.
But now, new study has offered an alternative explanation. The research does not question the
fundamental gender difference regarding jealousy, indeed it adds additional support for that
difference. But the new science suggests that the difference may be rooted more in individual
differences in personality that result from one’s relationship history but that can fall along
gender lines.
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Pennsylvania State University psychological scientists Kenneth Levy and Kristen Kelly doubted
the prevailing evolutionary explanation because there is a conspicuous subset of men who like
most women find emotional betrayal more distressing than sexual infidelity. The researchers
suspected that it might have to do with trust and emotional attachment. Some people, men
and women alike, are more secure in their attachments to others, while others tend to be more
dismissive of the need for close attachment relationships. Psychologists see this compulsive
self-reliance as a defensive strategy-protection against deep-seated feelings of vulnerability.
The researchers hypothesized that these individuals would tend to be concerned with the
sexual aspects of relationships rather than emotional intimacy. They asked men and women
which they would find more distressing-sexual infidelity or emotional infidelity. Participants
also completed additional assessments including a standard and well validated measure of
attachment style in romantic relationships.
Findings confirmed the scientists’ hypotheses. Those with a dismissing attachment style, who
prize their autonomy in relationships over commitment, were much more upset about sexual
infidelity than emotional infidelity. And on the other hand, those securely attached in
relationships, including securely attached men were much more likely to find emotional
betrayal more upsetting. The scientists state that these findings imply that the psychological
and cultural-environmental mechanisms underlying sex differences in jealousy may have
greater roles than previously recognized and suggest that jealousy is more multiply determined
than previously hypothesized.
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Is A Marital Affair Really Love?
Before this experience I thought I had a pretty good idea about love. I thought love for the most
part encompassed the words we said in our wedding vows: “to love, honor and protect for all
the days of our lives.” I’ve always been a romantic at heart and really believed that our love
would conquer all. Why wouldn’t I believe this? Both of our parents and grandparents have
been married way past the 50 year mark, and even though they certainly had rough patches,
and maybe at times acted like they didn’t particularly care for each other, they are still
together. That is how I thought my life would be until the day that Doug told me he wasn’t in
love with anymore and had those “in love” feelings for someone else.
At that point I started questioning just what the true meaning of love was. Questions like: If
we were truly in love, how could he find someone and have those feelings for so quickly? Was
she his soul mate? Was he destined to be with her but instead met me? Are we as humans
really incapable to live our lives with only one person, or are we designed to love many people
throughout our lives? Should I give up and let him follow his heart?
My response was to do just as I had done throughout this emotional affair–I went hunting. I
went hunting for knowledge and found several books about the various stages of love. Most of
the books I found highlighted anywhere between 3 and 7 stages of love, with the first stage
being infatuation. It is my firm belief that the infatuation stage is the stage that most marital
affairs exist. The dynamics of an affair provide the opportunity for the affair partners to
nurture and preserve the infatuation stage of love.
Because of the typical newness between partners in a marital affair, the secrecy and the
mirroring of your perfect self in the eyes of the other person’s perfect self. In other words, one
affair partner portrays themselves as the best person that they can be, and unconsciously
neglects to show their “bad” side so as to not illicit negative reactions from the other affair
partner. Basically, the affair partners are always in courtship mode, but this courtship is
different in that it is shrouded in secrecy and lies. Since nobody knows about the infidelity,
they never get to experience the typical family commitments or the mundane day-to-day
activities that can exist in a marriage. Basically they are both in their own perfect little world!
So is a marital affair love a true, lasting and real love? I guess in our situation, only Doug can
really answer that question, but based on what I have read it is apparent that affair love is
nothing more than infatuation. Real, true love is love that evolves from commitment, honesty,
being ones true self (not necessarily that perfect person you were infatuated with when you
first met), and accepting the other person for who they are including their faults, their
individual growth and their inconsistencies. True love means living through miscarriages,
infidelity, financial difficulties, raising children and dealing with reality every day, yet still
looking at your spouse and realizing that there is no one and no other place that they would
rather be than with them. Now that is true lasting love!
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Backing Off Can Be Powerful
One thing that I learned after I found out about Doug’s emotional infidelity was the importance
of backing off. That is, to not pressure him or continually fire questions at him at every
opportunity. Now unfortunately, I didn’t figure this out right away, but as soon as I did I
discovered how powerful a tactic it can be that ultimately helped us save our marriage.
The main element of their emotional affair was the communication between the two of them
which resulted in a bond formed by this so-called “helping” each other out. I determined that
by pressuring him I was actually inadvertently feeding the fire of the relationship!
So I decided to stop talking about the affair. It was very difficult to do as I couldn’t quite stop
asking questions about their relationship completely since the curiosity was killing me. But I
certainly backed off noticeably. If I were to do it all over again, I would have stopped asking
questions about the affair all together until such a time where I felt it safe to do so. The point is,
the more you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels
pressured, the more he/she will want to flee.
I’m sure my actions were puzzling to Doug. I asked him how he slept, I wished him a good day, I
asked him how his day was when he got home, I praised him when he mentioned something
good that happened, supported his business ventures, thanked him for the least little things he
did and tried to put a positive spin on every interaction we had–no matter what. In fact I still
do these things today. Now tell me, how do you think that Tanya felt when she heard how nice I
was? I’m sure that this approach helped immensely when it came to Doug finally realizing he
was making a huge mistake.
At the same time that you are backing off, you still must find out as much as possible about the
affair partner. No drastic investigations here, just try to determine what is so appealing about
this other person. What exactly does this other person do or say to have this hold on your
spouse? The goal here is to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with
this person, so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some
changes.
Obviously, no one is perfect, including you (and your spouse’s affair partner), so there are
probably things you can work on and changes you can make. Your spouse may not even realize
what these are. For instance, I have worked on becoming independent, more sociable, more
fun, easy going, and more in tuned with Doug’s needs. I think these were all good changes for
me. One thing I did not change was being devoted to my kids, but I’m sure Doug can see the
value in that and how important it is to me. So if you can find anything about the other person
it can be helpful to see the differences and contrasts in you and help you figure out what
changes to make or not make.
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If you find yourself blowing up at your spouse and giving him/her the third degree every chance
you get, give this tactic a try and see if it works for you.
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How To Connect Emotionally With Your
Husband
Yesterday I posted a video and a brief comment that mentioned the importance of connecting
on an emotional level with your spouse. Today I will talk about some ways to do this with a
husband, and then in a subsequent post I will discuss how to meet the emotional needs of a
wife.
I’ve mentioned before that in our own situation, there was an emotional disconnect that was a
primary cause of my emotional affair with Tanya. Like most men, I tend to not require a whole
lot to make me happy on the surface. In fact, I joke around with Linda that I don’t really need
much more than food, beer, the remote and sex at least 3 times a week. Women, on the other
hand, have a whole other set of needs and what happens is that we each give in relationships
what we each want. In other words, we assume that the other has the same needs and wants.
Obviously, this is where things can go haywire in a relationship.
For instance, if something is bothering a man, typically he wants to retreat to his man-cave and
think about the situation and react based on the outcome of his thoughts. However, when a
woman gets upset, she needs to be heard and understood by someone. If a man were to react
to the woman being upset by downplaying her situation, or perhaps leaving her alone thinking
that is what she would want, the result would be that the woman would feel unwanted or
unloved.
What are your husband’s needs?
In the book, “Men are From Mars. Women are From Venus,” by John Gray, Ph.D, it states that
men have six primary love needs that are equally important:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Trust
Acceptance
Appreciation
Admiration
Approval
Encouragement
Use this list for direction to help improve your relationship if you have no idea what else to do.
Now I doubt that every man will have these exact needs, and the key is to determine what
exact needs your husband does have. Many times a woman has no idea what her husband’s
needs are because we tend not to communicate them since we are all tough and macho and
don’t want it to appear that we might be vulnerable in some ways.
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And a woman’s needs…
Now this is not to say that a man doesn’t have other types of needs similar to a woman, but
these are the “primary needs” which are required to be fulfilled before a man can be able to
fully receive and appreciate any other kind of love. These other kinds of love lead me to the
primary love needs of women:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Caring
Understanding
Respect
Devotion
Validation
Reassurance
These needs as well must be completely fulfilled for a woman to be receptive to the man’s
needs. Understanding these needs is a powerful thing to know when trying to improve
relationships.
Dr. Gray gets us started with a very general list, but I’d like to add a few more to the list. Keep
in mind that you will need to “study” your husband to determine what his specific needs are
and how to meet them in a way that is acceptable to him. For now let’s look at the following
needs:
1. Intimacy. Men have the need for sexual intimacy, plain and simple, which in turn allows them to
gain emotional fulfillment. Women, on the other hand need emotional fulfillment which can
lead to sex. Therefore, make sure your husband’s sexual needs are being met.
2. Sense of Meaning. Men need to know that what they are doing and accomplishing is
meaningful and necessary. If you affirm this to him, he will try harder to meet your needs.
3. Communication. Though men communicate differently than women, they still have the need to
connect with their wife through intimate conversations, even though they find it difficult to
communicate on a deep level. Let your man talk about what interests him and eventually he
will talk about what interests you on a deeper level.
4. Masculinity. A man needs to feel like a man. He needs to be able to cuss, spit, play golf, watch a
game with the guys, and do other things that make him feel more manly. If he is stuck at home
all the time watching “Desperate Housewives” reruns with you, he might not really feel all that
manly. Ask him what makes him feel more like a man and encourage him to do whatever that
might be.
5. Recognition. Men need to have their achievements and good deeds recognized. They need to
feel wanted and feel like a hero by providing for and protecting their family. Offer your
appreciation for his efforts and you will quickly meet this need.
So what if you don’t meet his needs?
So what now? What happens if your husband’s needs are met, and what if they are not? For
starters, if his needs are met there will be a greater level of intimacy between the two of you,
there will be less arguments and best of all he will be better able to meet your needs. Should
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his needs go unmet, he will get frustrated and angry, he will feel resentment, he will distance
himself from you and the marriage (perhaps by having an affair), and worst of all it could lead
to the end of your marriage. By talking openly and honestly about which needs are not being
met, you can get to the root of the problem so that you can save your marriage.
We’d love some comments on what a man’s needs are and how best to meet them. Take care!
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Emotional Affairs Suck!
Last week Doug and I celebrated the milestone of being together for 30 years. Throughout
those years we have experienced so much happiness, accomplishments, rewards, as well as
hardships, disappointments and challenges. The thought of us being together for that long is
also a constant reminder that we are getting old, our kids are getting old, as is our dog, our
house, our cars and the list goes on. With getting old comes reflection and realization that
maybe life isn’t exactly how we thought it would be. Yet even though we still loved each other
very much, we blamed each other for our discontent. At times we treated strangers better than
we treated each other.
Unfortunately for me, a woman came along who made Doug feel better about himself and his
life. Doug thought that she was exciting, fresh and fun-loving and that she was the answer to
his discontent. By somehow making Doug feel this way, this woman reaffirmed what he had
been thinking in that it must have been me that was causing this unhappiness and frustration in
his life, when it was obvious that he was equally at fault. Consequently, he found himself falling
for this woman and began comparing her to me, yet all he saw was the good side of her. I
basically became emotionally insignificant in his life.
Then something happened that caused a jolt of reality and Doug began to question if this
women was really better than me. Did he only see one side of her; was it the situation that was
so exciting and new, and not the person? Doug also realized that there is no one who will love
him as much as I do and that I love him despite his faults, shortcomings, and mistakes.
Unfortunately this revelation came too late. The lies, betrayal, and hurt had already taken
place.
Man, emotional affairs really suck!
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How to Rebuild the Trust After Infidelity
Trust is the foundation of any relationship and is just as important as love is. So if you want to
save your marriage and make it the tender loving relationship you have dreamed of all of your
life, rebuilding the trust after infidelity is one of the most important steps you should take.
Those of you that have suffered from a betrayal of trust know why I’m saying this. If you can’t
trust your spouse, it changes every single detail of the relationship. Effective communication
becomes more difficult because you cannot believe anything that he/she is telling you, and you
start worrying whether or not you can trust that person with your finances, your personal
secrets, and every other detail of your life. It also makes it difficult for you to trust that person
with your emotional safety. Being hurt so badly by someone tears apart the emotional
connection that you need to have a healthy, happy marriage.
Once the trust has been lost it can actually damage or even destroy the love. Therefore trust is
the foundation on which love is built, and a lack of trust makes it almost impossible to have a
good marriage. So if you are in a relationship right now where there are trust problems, you
need to repair this damage if you’re going to make your marriage last and make it all that it can
be.
There are ways to rebuild the trust in your marriage, but first of all you need to know that there
are two different types of scenarios where trust can be a problem.
1. The first is the sudden trust destroyer of which a typical example would be infidelity. What
usually happens in this situation is one of the spouses finds out about an affair (either an
emotional or sexual affair) and in one single moment the trust has been destroyed.
2. The second typical scenario is where trust has been destroyed in a relationship over a
period of time, perhaps even from the beginning of the relationship. An example might be
that one of the members of the relationship has always flirted a great deal with members of the
opposite sex. They’ve never really followed through nor has there been any infidelity, but it has
caused a slow building up of mistrust. There could also be additional issues that cause a build
up of mistrust such as gambling or unethical business arrangements and things of that nature.
As you can imagine, since the mistrust builds up over time it can actually continue for many,
many years.
It’s the Cheater’s Responsibility
Most people would agree that the responsibility for rebuilding the trust in a marriage after it
has been broken lies primarily with the person that broke the trust in the first place. If you
have cheated on your partner or otherwise betrayed him/her and are constantly acting in a way
that causes mistrust, it’s your job to take ownership of that situation and do the work necessary
to repair the trust if you want to heal your relationship.
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Ultimately, there are three steps that a person who broke the trust needs to take if they’re
going to heal the relationship and rebuild what has been destroyed.
Step #1: Change your behavior. If you are now in an affair, you have to end it and take steps
that will keep you from even getting close to the possibility of having another affair in the
future. You not only need to end the affair and change the behavior itself, but also you need to
understand enough about how it became a problem in the first place and be able to explain it
to your spouse. This is the only way you’re going to create a situation for your spouse to begin
to trust you again.
Step #2: Give a complete and full apology. You must completely understand that you were
wrong, how you were wrong, and take total ownership for that mistake. You need to look at
the infidelity from your spouse’s point of view and feel the pain that he/she felt. Once you
have taken ownership for the action that caused the mistrust, you have to show some effort
and be sensitive to your partner about his/her feelings in this area and take care of those
feelings as much as you can. This means showing some compassion and sensitivity about the
pain that he/she is in. You should also make verbal reassurances about your commitment to
the changes that you have said that you’re going to make, and obviously back this up by real
change in your behavior.
Step #3: Let them play detective. The third and final step in trying to rebuild trust with your
spouse involves giving the victim the tools that he/she needs to begin trusting again. What this
means is that the victim now gets to play the detective. It’s natural for the victim to be
suspicious and worry that his/her spouse might make the same mistake again. After all, you
betrayed their trust once and what is to stop you from doing it again?
If you are the victim, thoughts like these are absolutely natural, so don’t feel badly for feeling
this way because when you think about it, worrying that your partner might betray you again is
perfectly logical. Don’t try to bury these thoughts and feelings and don’t feel that this is an
irrational behavior. You will never be able to rebuild trust as long as you keep worrying about
whether or not your spouse is telling you the truth.
Now this isn’t exactly a step that the person that betrayed you is going to necessarily like. It
may involve you checking emails, credit card bills, cell phone usage and perhaps many other
things to satisfy your curiosity. Over time getting tangible evidence that your suspicions are
false will help to diminish them and eventually they will die away.
If you happen to be the person who betrayed your spouse, you not only have to promise you
will change your behavior, you have to prove to him/her that you can in fact change. This
means that you have to allow him/her to play detective and actually encourage it while sharing
everything with your spouse. Your life is now an open book. Remember that you were the one
that broke the trust in the first place, and that his/her thoughts and feelings are justified and if
you truly want to have a healthy marriage again, this is what you have to do.
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Trust can be lost in a heartbeat but it can take a long time to regain it, but if you persevere it
can be done. Continue to move forward towards an open relationship and in time you’ll feel
that trust has once again come back to your marriage.
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Don’t Lose Your Self Concept
A couple of years ago when Doug and I really started to experience problems in our marriage,
not only did we become distant but we also began treating each other with disrespect. I know
that I was not too supportive or encouraging and neither was Doug. Additionally, there were
times when I would want to discuss things with Doug and he would shoot me down or dismiss
my point of view. This was a huge hit to my self-esteem.
As a result, I really started feeling bad about myself. I began to doubt my abilities as a wife,
mother, teacher and woman. Even though I had a master’s degree I questioned my
intelligence, and even though I looked good for my age I questioned my desirability. I realize
that Doug did not intentionally try to make me feel this way. Rather, I believe that he too was
suffering from some low self esteem and uneasiness and just took his frustrations out on me.
My low self esteem was affecting every aspect of my life.
When I found out about Doug’s emotional affair with Tanya, it reaffirmed everything I had been
thinking about myself. I truly believed that I was not good enough for him. If I had been a
better wife, mom etc. he never would have found someone else. So what did I do? In essence I
gave up on myself and my true identity by setting out to be just like her. If he fell in love with
her then she must have these wonderful qualities that I don’t have. I had to know what those
qualities were. Unfortunately I have never met the women, so I acted based on my
interpretation of the “facts” that Doug was telling me. Of course he painted the picture of the
perfect woman–yet another blow to my fragile self concept.
Do as I say, not as I did
If you are now in the same position as I was, you probably feel or have felt the way I did, and
you may be wondering how this information is beneficial to your recovering from an affair. This
is a prime example of what not to do, so please learn from my mistakes and make better
choices.
The most important lesson I learned is when your spouse is involved in an emotional affair (or
sexual affair) the only thing you can control is you. You cannot change your spouse’s mind nor
can you control his/her behavior. You can only control your actions and your thoughts. The
most important thing you can do is to focus on you. You need to figure out right away just how
and what you need to do to make yourself feel better and to boost your shattered self esteem.
You want to find activities that will occupy your mind and that are going to have a positive
effect on you.
In the beginning I was so focused on us and how to save our marriage that I was afraid to stop.
Consequently, I did nothing that I knew would be right for me. My self-worth took such a blow
that at times I really didn’t think I deserved to focus on me, nor did I have the confidence to try
something new. It was a very difficult time.
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For months I continued on this downward path, then slowly I began to realize that Doug’s affair
wasn’t really my fault, and that I had many positive, desirable qualities. I decided that I needed
to stop feeling sorry for myself and to move on. I needed to act as if my marriage had ended
and I was beginning a new life. I continued to show Doug that I cared for him and that I didn’t
want our marriage to end, but I just stopped focusing on trying so much and starting focusing
on what would make me happy instead. Often I would think about what I would do if my
marriage ended. I even made plans for things I was going to do. I wanted to train for a type of
marathon race that involved kayaking, biking and running. I would join a local rock climbing
club. I would learn to be a really good cook.
Today I still am upset with myself for not pursuing these things when I first found out about the
affair. For one thing, it would have been a good distraction, and also would have allowed Doug
to see me in a different light and not as the predictable wife and mother that he believed was a
constant in his life.
It’s been a long road to recovery
Recovering my self esteem has been a struggle for me. I wish that I wouldn’t have given up on
myself so easily. I stopped being the person that I was before this all happened. I stopped
being the excellent teacher because in some ways I blamed my dedication to the downfall of
my marriage. However, that was a big part of who I am as I am a great teacher and have
received many personal rewards for my accomplishments. I stopped being a great mom for the
same reasons because I felt it had taken away from my marriage. By doing these things I felt it
would allow me to be the person Doug wanted, but in reality it took away every part of my
identity and resulted in me becoming someone I really didn’t know or want to be. Instead of
boosting my self esteem it lowered it even more.
So you need to take a good look at yourself. Be honest with who you are. Do not allow a
situation or another person to take who you are away from you. Make a list of all your
wonderful qualities, focus on the things that you are really proud of and that you enjoy, and
make an effort to do them every day. Do things for others and don’t compromise who you are
because of the situation. I believe that if I would have stood tall, believed in myself and let
Doug know that indeed there were some behaviors that I needed to change, he would have
realized sooner that I was indeed everything he needed in a woman, that he was making a great
mistake, and in no way was I not good enough to be loved by him.
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How a Person Involved in an Emotional Affair
Can Heal
Much has been written about how the betrayed spouse should handle the aftermath of an
emotional affair, but little has been said of how the person having an affair should heal and
move on. Whether you want to believe it or not, the persons having the affair go through a
grieving stage once the affair is over. Often it can be quite traumatic. In one of the books that
I’ve read (I can’t remember which one), it said that the reason why affairs are addictive and are
so difficult for the affair partners to let go of, is because in many cases the affair relationship
ends very abruptly. Most often that is because the spouse finds out about the affair and gives
the ultimatum that the relationship must end immediately. Unfortunately when this happens,
it often backfires in that it produces resentment towards the one giving the ultimatum and
injects even more romanticized feelings into the relationship. What happens is that the person
ending an affair believes that he is effectively a martyr since he has to give up someone he is in
love with, and that he is only doing so for the sake of his wife and family.
Another reason the affair is hard to let go of is that most emotional affair relationships don’t
follow the typical progression through the various stages of love like other relationships do.
That is to say, when a typical relationship flows from infatuation to the next stage, the couple
has more experiences together and they start to see the flaws, bad habits and weaknesses in
each other. At this point, the relationship will either end or it will blossom further. If the result
is that the relationship ends, both parties have probably come to the realization that maybe
they were not meant for each other after all, and therefore they are able to separate more
easily and move on with their lives.
Contrary to this, in most emotional affairs this scenario is not possible because the affair
partners do not have the opportunity to see each other’s faults, and if they did, these faults are
normally simply dismissed. They are in their affair “bubble” so to speak. The parties involved in
the affair have a difficult time giving up the relationship because in their eyes it is perfect in just
about every way.
Affairs appear to be the “perfect” relationship
On several occasions I told Doug that he had to stop putting Tanya and their relationship on
some special pedestal, and to stop thinking that he was experiencing something that was so
great that he would never again experience anything like it in any relationship. This was hard to
get through to him since his relationship, like most affairs, was built on fantasies and the
illusion of love. They only saw the perfect side of each other and met a few of each other’s
important needs, which was enough for them to think that they were meant to be together.
In a marriage, it would be wonderful to have this type of relationship, but in all actuality I don’t
feel that it is realistic that it can be sustained. When you live with someone day after day,
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you’re going to see their faults, bad habits, and other little quirks that can drive you nuts.
Affairs, on the other hand, have the illusion of being so appealing because each partner is
showing the perfect image of themselves which in turn makes for a “perfect” relationship.
I believe for a long time that Doug was unable to let go of the fantasy. He was unable to let go
of the fact that she was not perfect and neither was their relationship. I think he was still
comparing her to me based on seeing only her positive traits. He compared her as being fun,
her newness and her free spirit to me, yet he and I shared a totally different situation — that of
a married couple that has been together for three decades — not just a few months.
I believe he had a hard time letting go of the “perfect” relationship knowing that ours could
never really be like that. Not because the love wasn’t there, but because we didn’t have the
“sizzle” that a new relationship typically has. When you’ve been married for a while it’s tough
to act like newlyweds or like you just began dating, so the “sizzle” is difficult, if not downright
impossible to maintain.
I also think it was difficult for him to stop the affair because not only did he think she was
perfect, but she felt that he was perfect as well. He got a significant ego boost simply from the
way she treated him when they were together. While Doug and Tanya were mirroring the
perfect person in each other, at the same time I was going through a time when I felt as though
I could do nothing right, and was an emotional wreck. Certainly Doug must have felt that being
in the affair was definitely a better place for him to be.
If you are in an emotional affair, or know someone who is, in order to move on you have to let
go of the fantasy. As hard as it may seem, you need to start looking at the faults of the person
who you’re having the affair with and the inadequacies of the relationship. It’s not really the
best experience of your life like you might think it is. Rather, you need to look at it for what it
really is, and that is something that was hurtful to your spouse and is ruining everything you
love and have worked so hard for over the years. If the affair ended abruptly you may not have
had the opportunity figure this out or to sort through your feelings, so you need to do that now
and try hard to let the affair go.
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Random Thoughts on Emotional Affairs
This post will be a bit random, as a few thoughts went through my brain last night that I wanted
to share. For instance, one of the difficult aspects of being a victim of an emotional affair is that
you tend to see things much more clearly than those who are involved in the affair. That is, we
as victims know that affairs are based mostly on fantasy and rarely do they turn into lasting
relationships. However, trying to convince the person involved in an emotional affair of this can
be a losing battle. For months, I would research books and articles on the subject in an attempt
to convince Doug that what he was feeling was not real and that he was crazy. It all backfired.
You see, it wasn’t for me to try and convince him of these things. He had to figure these things
out for himself. All I could do was try and point him in the right direction. It was not a speedy
or easy process though.
Sometimes I still wonder if he believes everything he reads. Sometimes I
wonder if my thoughts were crazy since I have never experienced an affair
like he did. However, when I feel this way I just remind myself of the facts.
Mainly that most emotional affairs do not last and that there has to be a
reason for this. I feel it’s because affairs are based on fantasy and not real
life. They may think they are living real life, but compared to a married couple’s everyday
existence with all the hassles, they have yet to be challenged with the problems that a married
couple has to face.
When you are in an affair you can be anyone you want to be. When I was going through the
struggle with Doug’s emotional affair, I felt like I wanted so much to be involved in one too!
Who wouldn’t? After all, I would have a man that thought I was wonderful, exciting and
beautiful. I wouldn’t have to clean his house, cook his food and put up with his negativity. We
could dream, talk and just enjoy each other’s company. Who wouldn’t want that?
Unfortunately though, at some point in an affair real life takes over and all the fantasies come
to an end and the affair “bubble” starts to burst.
I wanted to make a comment about texting and technology in general and how it has made
affairs so easy. When I finally was able to view Doug’s phone bills, I was shocked by the amount
of texting that went on between the two of them. I truly couldn’t believe how connected they
were day after day. In some ways texting is like being a teenager again. It’s like receiving a
secret note from your boyfriend in science class. It is exciting. Imagine sitting on your couch
and receiving a text from you affair partner, telling you they are thinking about you. They only
had to say a few words and they are filled with the feelings of love. While your spouse just
cooked your favorite dinner, cleaned up the kitchen and brought you a beer. Not quite the
same effect.
I also believe that you are able to say things while texting, on Facebook or in phone
conversations that you probably would not say to a person while face to face. A person has
more courage and freedom to say what is on his mind when he does not have to look the other
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person in the eye. He can say things that maybe are not typically characteristic of the way he
really is (again, not showing his true self). There is less risk when you are saying things by text.
Your conversations can appear fun and flirtatious and you may feel the illusion of closeness
with someone through texting and talking on the phone. In my opinion, you cannot replace the
looking each other in the eye and talking about how you really feel.
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My ‘Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda’ List
When you are faced with a spouse involved in an emotional affair there is really no textbook
way to navigate through the pain and emotions that exist as you try to save your marriage.
Most advice out there is very good, and as you have come to learn, most affairs follow the same
patterns and characteristics. However, because every situation is different it is difficult to know
for sure what path to take and what works and what doesn’t. And since it is such an emotional
time, your vision may become blurred so that you have difficulty really seeing the whole picture
clearly. It took me over a year to really look back at everything objectively and think about
what I did, what worked and what I wish I would have done differently when recovering from
an affair. So here is my “woulda, coulda, shoulda” list:
1. Pray. There were nights when I was in such physical and emotional pain that I really didn’t
think I could face another day. So I started saying the rosary. I would repeat the same prayer
over and over until I would eventually calm down and fall asleep. I would wake up the next day
with a renewed strength to get through the day.
2. Don’t isolate yourself from everyone. When I first found out that Doug was unhappy in our
marriage I was an emotional wreck. I didn’t want my family, friends and colleagues to see me
that way. I was afraid to be around them for fear they would see
the pain in my eyes. So I stopped spending time with my parents,
stopped eating in the teacher’s lounge and cut down on the time I
spent being with my children. In some ways I didn’t want them to
know because I didn’t want to look like a failure. I also didn’t want
them to know because I was protecting Doug. I didn’t want them
to see him in a bad light. Thinking back, the choice to isolate
myself was so stupid. For one, I shouldn’t have tried to protect
Doug. At the time he began the affair, we both were not doing a
very good job at meeting each other’s needs. I felt just as unloved,
ignored and bored as he did. However he made the choice to
begin an emotional affair with someone else. He gave up the right
for protection. Secondly, by isolated myself from others I was
missing out on opportunities to feel better about myself. When
you are surrounded by people who love and respect you it is inevitable that you will feel
positive about yourself.
3. Don’t expect your spouse to support or reassure you. Doug had always been my go to
person. He was my best friend and he was always the one that I depended on to make
everything better. When I first began this journey I continued to rely on him. However it just
didn’t happen. He wasn’t emotionally able to do that for me. By continuing to ask for support,
I was pushing him away and confusing him even more. This is when I should have stepped back
and found a trusted friend, counselor or someone to guide me through this.
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4. Get angry. Since I truly found out about Doug’s affair in chunks, I really didn’t have the
opportunity to get angry. I really just wanted to process the information and move on. I didn’t
want to rock the boat. I didn’t want him to see me in a bad light. Looking back I should have
really let him have it. I should have told him how I really felt. There were plenty of things I was
thinking but I just kept them to myself. Unfortunately, they surfaced many, many months later
when we were really making progress in our efforts to save our marriage. When they did, Doug
had a hard time handling my delayed anger and therefore wasn’t very receptive to it. So let
your spouse have it immediately, then try to let it go.
5. Be you. When I first found out about the emotional affair, I wondered what I should do or
how I could change to help save our marriage. Doug would say to me “just be you.” I didn’t
understand that. I thought he obviously didn’t love me since he was with someone else, so why
would “being me” help the situation? You have to believe that your spouse fell in love with you
because of YOU. What your spouse fell out of love with was the relationship and the state that
the relationship was in at that time. Try making your spouse feel like he is the most important
person to you, like you did when you first met, then there is a good chance he can regain some
of those lost feelings and fall back in love with you again. The other person would then become
insignificant.
6. Learn all you can about relationship and affairs. I dedicated every free moment I had to
searching and reading everything I could about relationships, affairs and how to save my
marriage. It gave me some kind of control. I highly recommend that you do the same thing.
However, I have to warn you to not let it consume your life. I spent way too much time on the
internet, and in the bathroom secretly reading affair books. Take some time for you. Read a
trashy novel, search how to do something new, find something else to take your mind off the
situation. Additionally, if you begin reading something that makes you feel uncomfortable or
hopeless then STOP! Sometimes I would get on forums and feel so defeated and began to
second guess my actions.
7. Don’t try to control the situation. I stopped going shopping and spending time away from
home for fear that when I left Doug alone he would be on the phone with Tanya. I followed him
around every second of the day thinking I could stop him from contacting her. I eventually
learned how stupid that was. He was going to contact her no matter what. I believed I could
stop the affair. Now I know there was nothing I could have done to change the course of their
relationship. It was all in Doug’s hands and he had to make the choice. I also should have
believed the books that I read and should have been more confident in knowing that most
affairs end after the fantasy involved runs its course and dies out.
8. Demand cell phone, email, Facebook etc. passwords. Most emotional affairs (and sexual
affairs) depend a lot on communicating through these channels since getting together in person
can sometimes be very difficult. It took me more than four months to finally see our cell phone
bill. When I would ask for the password, Doug would become very defensive and turn the
situation back on me. He would imply that I didn’t trust him, or I was being crazy, and would
say things like: “What kind of wife was I?” He was good at changing the subject and acting
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very attentive and caring so I would just dismiss it for awhile, and since I didn’t want to rock the
boat, I would let it go. If I would have seen the cell phone bills from the very beginning I would
have had solid proof that they weren’t “just friends” and that it was much more serious than I
ever imagined. I would have totally changed the way I reacted to this situation. I also believe
that I could have saved myself a lot of pain.
So there you have it. I’m sure there are other things that I “coulda” or “shoulda” added to the
list. Perhaps some of you might have some that you can think of. If so, we would love to hear
about them. Take care!
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3 Tips to Help You Heal From an Affair
When you first learn about an affair, it is completely devastating. I’m sure that many emotions
ran through your head like anger, grief, frustration, a total loss of self-esteem and that you’re
world has been totally ripped apart. From our own experience we can tell you that getting over
an affair takes time, dedication from both spouses, and a lot of hard work. You can heal from an
affair, but it means making an investment and spending the time you need to heal. However, at
first you may not have the strength, energy, or interest to think about it in these terms. You
need something that will help you start to heal and save your marriage fast.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg PhD, a marriage and family counselor in Baltimore, and author of “How to
Survive an Affair”, says that “There is no magic pill that will make it all better. However, if you
truly want to rebuild your marriage and make it better than ever, there are some ways that you
can start processing your emotions effectively during the early stages after finding out about
the affair.”
Dr Gunzburg has three tips that will help you process your emotions and move toward healing
in the days immediately after you learn about an affair:
1. Let the Cheater Have It. Communication is very important.
Learn how to talk with your spouse and share information in a
way your spouse understands. Also, learn how to listen to what
your spouse is really saying. These skills can help save your
marriage.
However, immediately after you find out about an affair, you
probably won’t have the skills, the patience, or the emotional
fortitude to calmly tell your spouse how you feel. And that’s
completely understandable. You shouldn’t have to be calm and
composed when the person you love and trust most in the world
has just told you that he or she has betrayed your trust. That isn’t
reasonable.
“When you first find out about the affair, I recommend you let your spouse HAVE IT!” says
Gunzburg. “Get your feelings out on the table. Don’t worry about how your spouse might feel.
And don’t worry about rocking the boat or making the situation worse.”
Dr. Gunzburg does advise that you avoid talking about or mentioning divorce at this point, don’t
call your spouse names and don’t react with violence. However, you can certainly speak
strongly, and tell your spouse exactly how you feel. In fact, he says that if you don’t do this, you
run a terrible risk later on because this will cause you to resent your spouse even more, and will
likely cause even more problems in your marriage.
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Either your relationship will survive this or it won’t. Dr. Gunzburg has found it’s much more
likely that a relationship is able to survive if the couple is able to make it past this initially
painful phase in an open, honest way. That means laying out how you feel to your spouse very
explicitly. It means opening up those painful feelings, and not burying them inside. And it
means telling your cheating spouse how you feel in no uncertain terms. If the two of you can
survive this, it’s that much more likely you will be able to save and rebuild your marriage.
2. Cry Your Heart Out. Dr. Gunzburg’s says that crying is “one way your body was designed to
process extreme emotion, and, in this way, it is a wonderful blessing.”
There is nothing shameful about crying when you are emotionally distressed. There is no reason
to fight back those tears and try to show a stoic, stern face. When you find out your spouse
cheated on you, you have every reason in the world to cry your eyes out.
“If you want to process these intense feelings and get over the sickening emotional cocktail you
have been made to drink, you need to let the pain out–and crying is one of your body’s natural
outlets.” Gunzburg says.
3: Let Your Emotions Come and Go Naturally. When you first hear about an affair, it feels like
the pain will never go away. But eventually, with time, your feelings will subside. When they do,
you may be tempted to try and hold onto them. You may feel like you are “giving up” if you let
go of your feelings. Or you may feel that you “should” still be angry.
Thoughts like these usually aren’t productive. There is a natural ebb and flow to your
emotions. Some days you might feel like it’s the end of the world, and at other times, the
intensity of your emotions will be slight. Dr. Gunzburg recommends that when this happens,
you let this natural reduction in intensity take place and allow yourself to be free of the pain
you are suffering.
“You don’t have to wallow in your pain. Everyone changes and heals at a different rate. Let your
internal emotional monitor and your instincts be your guide as you wind your way through the
healing process.” Dr Gunzburg adds.
After the initial stage of the healing process, it becomes important to manage your feelings and
not let your spouse “have it.”
Clearly, there’s a lot more to getting over an affair than the tips above. In fact, this only begins
to cover the very first phase of the healing process.
Dr. Gunzburg’s program “How to Survive an Affair” gives you a complete, step-by-step
treatment program for how to completely heal from an affair and make your marriage better
than it has ever been. This program has been one of the integral resources that Linda and I
have used throughout our healing process. We highly recommend that you check it out.
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Don’t Be A Doormat When Trying To Save Your
Marriage
We received an email the other day that we wanted to share it
with you along with a response from Linda. Hopefully, you can
get some value from it. I know that we both did. After we read
this email from “Maria” it really struck a chord with us, and it had
Linda visibly upset for a better part of the morning. I tend to
hide my emotions more but it struck a nerve with me as well.
Maria’s obvious resentment of men and our “fragile” egos aside,
she has some valid points. I did have it easy since I had the
benefit of two women satisfying most of my emotional needs. As a result, I got lazy and selfish.
I also think a part of me felt that in some crazy way I deserved for Linda to “make up” for the
years that she wasn’t responsive to my needs. I know, not a good way to think is it? Especially
since I was just as much to blame as she was.
Linda and I had a long discussion regarding the various points that Maria brought up, and once
again we talked about my emotional affair and I answered many questions that Linda still had.
The great thing that resulted from all of this was that even though this email was not real
pleasant, it caused both of us to look inward and then openly discuss our feelings in a calm
manner with each other. Even better, after we were through talking we both felt a little bit
closer to each other, more in tune with each other’s needs and more aware of each other’s
point of view.
Here’s the email…
“Why did you have to do all the work? He was the cheater and benefited by your efforts as if he
were some prize and you were a doormat. Old Doug has it made in the shade; he has the
diversion of an emotional affair and his wife changes herself to suit his male perspective of a
satisfying relationship. No wonder you are having problems reconnecting. He’s giving nothing
so it’s no big deal to him. What were his mistakes in the relationship? You made it too easy for
him; therefore, he is likely to do the same thing again if you pull away. It will not take long for
your resentment to build.
Linda, this arrangement will work for a while but not for long. You are taking all the
responsibility for tending to the relationship. You are bound to become resentful in time. He
cheats and you get to work even harder. It’s better to make him work to please you in the way
you need now. Don’t be fearful that he will leave if you insist and he can’t meet your needs then
he is not interested in a relationship with you just all the benefits of a wife. Is he reading books
how relationships work for women? Does he acknowledge that he is as much at fault for the
problems as you are? Is he working to satisfy you emotionally the way that you as a woman
need. Is he helping you around the house willingly without resentment and forgetfulness? Is he
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reading books and working to satisfy you sexually? If he is still doing the things that made the
marriage difficult for you before the affair then your marriage is essentially over.
Men benefit more than women in modern marriages. Women are expressing more
dissatisfaction in marital relationships than ever before. These are the stats – the rate of
cheating among married women is rapidly reaching the same level as men. Moreover, 70% of
divorces are initiated by women. The studies showing these trends are not widely reported.
Why? The fragile male ego. However, you can easily read the papers in reputable peer review
journals. So you are not alone in your dissatisfaction and the solution may be to leave him to
make the same mistake in his next relationship.”
Linda’s response…
In your email you made very valid points. The comments that you made were thoughts that I
have been struggling with for quite a while. I believe that is the main reason why I am having
such a difficult time completely letting go of the
resentment and moving on from his emotional affair.
In many ways I feel that I did take full responsibility
initially for trying to save our marriage, and that for
many months Doug didn’t make much of an effort to
meet my needs and was just along for the ride. I
questioned if he really did care for me then why did
he continue to allow me to suffer so much? Why did
it take so long for him to get feelings back for me
when I was doing everything I could to meet his
needs? Why was he still here?
I believe anyone who has experienced an affair always has those questions in the back of their
mind. However if a person believes in marriage, has a history and a family with this person they
should somewhat dismiss those questions and give the spouse a second chance to make things
right. I couldn’t walk away from my marriage without knowing that I didn’t do everything that I
could to save it.
I regret some of the decisions and actions I made initially when trying to save my marriage. I
regret being a “doormat” as you said. I regret not making Doug accountable for his actions and
taking steps to make our marriage better. I regret not having the confidence to tell him that if
you want our marriage to work then we will come up with a plan together. If not, then don’t let
the door hit you on the way out!
A learning experience…
I have said in many posts that when first faced with the effects of an affair, you are acting out of
fear and raw emotion. You are alone and there is no blueprint to follow. That is why I did so
much reading and research on the subject. I did what I thought was right at the time and have
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learned a lot about myself through this process. I have learned to have the confidence to stand
up for myself and what I believe, and to be completely honest with Doug about how I am
feeling. In return, he has learned to be receptive and supportive of my thoughts, feelings and
needs. We both are working to build trust and trusting that when we communicate our feelings
to each other we do not become defensive and are receptive to each other.
Not too long ago, I stepped back and allowed Doug to take the lead. Throughout our marriage I
have always been the fixer and doer. That is just who I am. But I believe that Doug needed to
take some responsibility. He really needed to learn what I need and follow through on it. As a
result, Doug has really stepped up.
I believe that it took him a long time to see everything clearly, but he has realized what he has
done in the past and how it contributed to the deterioration of our marriage. He has genuinely
apologized and is truly remorseful. We communicate effectively daily on our needs and how
our relationship is going. I truly believe we are heading in the right direction. This blog has
been an effective tool as well, as we talk about it daily and our feelings about the various posts,
comments and emails that we receive from all of our readers. Our feelings and our marriage is
constantly in the forefront of our daily lives. And for what it’s worth, we’re “reconnecting” just
fine.
In conclusion, your thoughts are valid. I believe anyone who is the victim of an emotional affair
should ask themselves the questions you addressed in your email. I don’t encourage anyone to
be a “doormat”. However, so many marriage books, therapists etc. believe that it only takes the
effort of one spouse to turn a marriage around and that one person can make small changes
that would encourage the other to reciprocate. In our situation this turned out to be a
successful strategy. But through my own experience, I also learned that I should have
communicated what I expected from Doug much sooner in the process, and if he was not able
to do those things I should have backed off and began planning my life without him.
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Forgiving Infidelity
I recently was introduced to a book by Dave Carder called: “Torn Asunder: Recovering From an
Extramarital Affair” and it brought to light some interesting points on recovering from infidelity
for both the person who committed the infidelity and for the victim/spouse. The book has a
religious slant to it since Mr. Carder is a pastor, but in no means is religion discussed in an
overly “in-your-face” fashion.
The author points out that both partners share the responsibility for the
state of the relationship which led to the extra-marital affair. He writes,
“The goal for both to figure out is: what emotional and/or physical
nurturance did the infidel receive from the affair that was unavailable in
the marriage?” This has been the subject of ongoing discussions for
Linda and me from the onset, and has resulted in us constantly striving
to make our needs known to each other so that they can indeed be
satisfied.
One of the most interesting chapters of the book to me was that on
forgiveness. Mr. Carder offers us a “Forgiveness List” to help guide couples through the process
of forgiving infidelity, as misconceptions and bad practices surrounding forgiveness are the
biggest mistakes most couples make.
The Forgiveness List:
1. Forgiveness at this level (after infidelity) of betrayal needs to be asked for. To voluntarily
offer it without the infidel acknowledging their behavior is inappropriate and counterproductive to the healing process.
2. Forgiveness should not be asked for or granted as a “blanket” experience. There are multiple
levels of betrayal that need to be identified and forgiven. Besides, it allows the spouse to
process small pieces of the betrayal without having to handle the entire experience all at once.
3. The forgiveness request should not only identify each specific behavior of the infidel, but
should also contain a “best guess” identification of how this behavior hurt the spouse.
4. Forgiveness is not the same as a commitment to reconcile the marriage. Forgiveness needs
to be initiated, whether or not the marriage is saved.
5. The forgiveness process stimulates the rebuilding of respect, trust and love. It works like
this: To the degree an individual can forgive some of the violations that occurred in this
betrayal, to that degree they can begin to rebuild respect. To the degree they can rebuild
respect, they can rebuild trust. To the degree that they can rebuild trust, they can start to
rebuild love (if both spouses desire to do so).
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6. The ability to forgive is a learned skill and highly influenced by an individual’s history with
both being forgiven and forgiving others. If an individual struggles in this area, it often has more
to do with their history than with the current infidelity.
Don’t give up on your marriage. If you and your spouse are willing to seek knowledge and
recommit yourselves to each other and work on forgiving infidelity, your marriage can recover
and even thrive after an affair. This book can be a good resource to help you do just that.
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Communicate to Save Your Marriage
Many people have a hard time expressing their feelings. Obviously this can create many
problems within a marriage since communication and the sharing of feelings is at the very core
of a good relationship. But the fact remains that some people have a very difficult time
communicating. For a couple who are struggling in their marriage this can be a very difficult
thing. When communication in your marriage suffers it’s inevitable that many problems will
crop up, and if these problems become bad enough, they can eventually lead to lost loving
feelings within the marriage.
The ability to communicate effectively is probably the most important skill necessary to have if
you’re going to save your marriage. However, pressuring the other spouse to talk when they
are reluctant to do so can be difficult, and is not advised. In fact, pressuring them may even
cause them to shut down their communication all together.
Before I had my emotional affair with Tanya,
effective communication was an issue within
our marriage. Sure, we talked some and we
got along fine. We would talk about our work
day, what the kids were doing, or what was
going on within the Linda’s classroom. But we
really didn’t talk that much on a deep
emotional level about each others’ feelings,
desires, goals and what we wanted out of life.
We certainly did several years ago when we
were young and full of great ambitions and our
dreams of the future comprised the majority of our conversations. Somewhere along the road
we let life take us away from doing that.
We can honestly say that improving the effectiveness of our communication has been one of, if
not the single most important thing that we’ve done to help us get through this situation. After
all, if we would have communicated effectively in the first place, more than likely none of this
would have happened.
So what are some ways that you can make it easier for your spouse to open up and share his or
her feelings with you? Here are three ideas to do that:
Don’t criticize. There is a fine line between constructive criticism, and tearing your spouse apart
with ruthless criticism when he or she is trying to communicate with you. If you’re having
problems communicating within your relationship, it could be that one or both of you might be
criticizing the other too much. Do not criticize your spouse’s character, intelligence, body,
appearance or any other aspect of their person.
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Really listen. Many times people are involved in conversations and they’re too worried about
what they’re going to say next and they don’t really listen to what the person is saying. They
also can editorialize what the person is saying and miss the whole point of the conversation
entirely. This tells your spouse that you’re not empathetic to their feelings and don’t really care
what they have to say. A good technique to help is repeat back your understanding of what
your spouse is saying. Doing this encourages your spouse to communicate further and it helps
you to develop a deeper understanding of what your spouse is actually saying without jumping
to conclusions.
Remain open. In many marriages where there are problems, defensiveness and accusations run
rampant and result in total communication breakdown. Remaining open to your spouse and
trying to truly understand what is being said is incredibly important if you’re going to get your
spouse to communicate more. You may not like what is being said and you don’t have to agree
with it, but you do have to try and make sense of it and understand it. Do not become
defensive. Do not make accusations.
Communication is one of the most important skills you can have if you’re going to save your
marriage. It is an absolutely fundamental element. It is also a skill that can be learned. The
important thing is to do everything that you can to improve your communication skills and
create an environment that is conducive to open communication. Following the steps above
will help lead you on the right path.
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Are Humans Meant to be Monogamous?
The following article was published on LiveScience.com a year or so ago and we thought it was
pretty interesting. We would be curious to know your thoughts on the subject.
News of politicians’ extramarital affairs seems to be in no short supply lately, but if humans
were cut from exactly the same cloth as other mammals, a faithful spouse would be an unusual
phenomenon.
Only 3 percent to 5 percent of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals (including humans) are
known to form lifelong, monogamous bonds, with the loyal superstars including beavers,
wolves and some bats.
Social monogamy is a term referring to creatures that pair up to
mate and raise offspring but still have flings. Sexually
monogamous pairs mate with only with one partner. So a cheating
husband who detours for a romantic romp yet returns home in
time to tuck in the kids at night would be considered socially
monogamous.
Beyond that, scientists’ definitions for monogamy vary.
Evolutionary psychologists have suggested that men are more likely to have extramarital sex,
partially due to the male urge to “spread genes” by broadcasting sperm. Both males and
females, these scientists say, try to up their evolutionary progress by seeking out high-quality
mates, albeit in different ways.
The committed partnership between a man and a woman evolved, some say, for the well-being
of children.
“The human species has evolved to make commitments between males and females in regards
to raising their offspring, so this is a bond,” said Jane Lancaster, an evolutionary anthropologist
at the University of New Mexico. “However that bond can fit into all kinds of marriage patterns
– polygamy, single parenthood, monogamy.”
The human species is somewhat unique amongst mammals in that fathers do invest in raising
children.
“We do know that in humans we do have this pretty strong pair bond, and there’s more
paternal investment than in most other primates,” said Daniel Kruger, a social and evolutionary
psychologist at the University of Michigan’s School of Public Health. “We’re special in this
regard, but at the same time like most mammals, we are a polygamous species.” Kruger said
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humans are considered “mildly polygamous,” in which a male mates with more than one
female.
Whether or not the married or otherwise committed individuals stray for sex depends on the
costs and benefits.
“There is plenty of evidence that males have less to lose than females by having extramarital
sex,” Lancaster said. “Having less to lose, it’s easier for them to do it.”
Women, however, could lose “dad’s” resources when it comes to raising their kids. “For
women, the well-being of their children is not improved by promiscuity,” Lancaster told
LiveScience.
Some scientists view both social and sexual monogamy in humans as a societal structure rather
than a natural state.
“I don’t think we are a monogamous animal,” said Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at
the University of Washington in Seattle. “A really monogamous animal is a goose – which never
mates again even if its mate is killed.”
She added, “Monogamy is invented for order and investment – but not necessarily because it’s
‘natural.’”
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Reader Involved in Emotional Affair
We received a comment over the weekend that is significant in that it is from a reader who is
actually involved in an emotional affair, and has been for the past four years. It sheds some
light on the emotional confusion that one can feel when involved in an emotional affair. It also
confirms (at least in our minds) that this person she is involved with is satisfying a deep
emotional need that perhaps her husband cannot–or will not. It’s obvious that this person has
sincere feelings for her affair partner that will make it difficult for her to end the affair.
What we’re hoping for by posting this comment is to initiate some serious, constructive
dialogue that might help in guiding this person towards a positive resolution to her situation.
Here is the comment:
“Hello and thank you for your website. I have been searching for information/help for me; the
cheater not the cheated on. There is very little out there for us wearing the Scarlet A and yes, as
you stated in your blog, coming to this place is as difficult in some ways as learning about it.
This is a little tricky for me…I am the one engaged in the emotional affair, not my husband. I
have been involved with the same man for more than four years now. When I look back on the
past four years, how my relationship began and where it is now I am full of mixed emotions. I
can at times logically think things through but really it is not a logical place I find myself. It is a
crazy mixed-up emotion laden place I find myself in.
My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years; more if you count the three years we
lived together before getting married. We have two teenaged children, one boy and one girl.
Until recently I have been a stay at home mother and a trailing spouse. This is a term used by
companies for the spouse who follows their husband or wife as he/she relocates for work
purposes. My husband comes from a very different background than I do. Interestingly enough
so does my lover. He and my husband are actually closer in background than I am to either of
them. For many years I felt lost and alone in my marriage. My husband went to work, and as a
true work-a-holic (person with a strong work ethic) spent many hours each day at the office. His
need for social interaction was fulfilled by the daily encounters he shared with his work
colleagues. Me on the other hand, well my life was spent around our children and the home. At
times it was very lonely and although I really loved the challenge of moving in and out of the US
and Europe, it is difficult to relocate every 4-6 years and begin a new life. (Gosh this is long but
amazingly helpful to begin writing it down.) When we moved to our present location we left the
only place that most of us truly considered home. It was a difficult and expensive move both
financially and emotionally. In some ways it has proven to be the straw that broke the camel’s
back.
I have more to say but I don’t know how much to share or how you can help me. I am confused,
recognize the fallacies in the relationship I have with my lover and don’t have the strength to
leave an imperfect marriage that is in need of repair nor to leave a dead-end relationship with
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my lover. I feel the need to tell you that my lover and I try to be upfront with one another. We
are on one hand very close friends, which also makes ending it more painful because the hole it
will leave is HUGE, however I also know that I am not “the one” for him. I am 10 years older to
begin with, of a different nationality and different religious persuasion as well. Although we
both love each other, he has made it perfectly clear that one day everything will change and
what am I doing to prepare myself for the inevitable? We have tried to end it before but end up
back together. I guess our attempts have really been half-hearted because we both give each
other something we need in the present, even if we don’t think there will be a long future. This
must sound really screwed up to you. It does to me. I can’t help it. Despite everything I have
found to read, I feel that I love him. That the love I feel is real and true, not a figment of my
imagination. I love and respect him as a person and as my lover. I guess if you spend 4+years
with someone it isn’t a fleeting passion but it is still wrong and unhealthy.
I am lost confused crazy sad depressed a myriad of mixed up emotions that fluctuate between
panic fear happiness anger and love.”
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Recovery from an Emotional Affair
If your marriage or relationship has fallen victim to an emotional affair, the first step in recovery
is honesty, according to psychologist Barry McCarthy. “It is secrecy that enables affairs to
thrive. The cover-up, for most people, is worse than the actual infidelity,” he says. “So it’s only
by putting everything on the table that you’ll be able to move on.”
We can tell you from experience that this is the case. The lies and half-truths that I continually
told to hide or downplay my emotional affair drove Linda to the brink. Eventually, it made no
sense for me to continue to do so. More than a year later, I still answer questions that Linda
has on a regular basis. Though these question and answer sessions can be rather unpleasant,
they always result in us feeling better about our relationship and each other.
Author Peggy Vaughan states that “When a
person discovers their mate is having an affair,
their world suddenly turns upside down. In
order to recover any sense of balance, they
need to get more information and
understanding of the situation. Without
answers to their questions, they convince
themselves that the answers must all be bad;
otherwise why wouldn’t they be told what they
want to know. They feel they’re being treated
like a child, and they resent it.
In other words, the involved partner must be honest about all aspects of the affair. Moving on
too fast usually backfires, leaving the injured party reeling and the problem unresolved. “Many
people believe that too much discussion just reopens the wound; but, in fact, the wound needs
to be exposed to the light of day so that it can heal,” says Vaughan. “The involved partner must
answer questions and soothe the injured partner for as long as that person needs.”
Psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring says the ultimate goal to being an open book is restoring
trust to the relationship. She suggests couples make a list of the trust-enhancing behaviors that
will help them heal. Both partners typically need compassion for their feelings, she says, but
“the hurt partner shoulders a disproportionate share of the burden of recovery and may
require some sacrificial gifts to redress the injury caused.” Such sacrificial gifts could range from
a request that the unfaithful partner change jobs to avoid contact with the “special friend” to
access to that partner’s e-mail account and/or cell phone.
An emotional affair can really rattle a marriage, but statistically they rarely result in divorce. In
fact, in many cases, through hard work the couple can create an even stronger marriage than
they had previously. We are certainly proof of that!
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After Infidelity: Renegotiate Your Relationship
While doing some research the other day, I came across some good advice from Hara Estroff
Marano about how a couple can renegotiate their relationship after infidelity. She says that
affairs are not about logic, “and recovering after infidelity doesn’t just happen with time; you
and your spouse have to fully process the experience and the pain it caused, decide together on
ways to rebuild trust, and then renegotiate your own relationship so that it meets both your
needs and defuses the threat of any future infidelity.” I believe that probably sums up the
entire recovery process in one simple statement. Obviously it is easier said than done in most
cases, but that is the basic process that Linda and I have followed over these last several
months. If you have been reading our blog you will know there have been many other “subprocesses” if you will, that we have followed along the way as well.
In short, Marano says, “you need to discuss ways to bring
into your marriage the emotional and/or sexual excitement
that your spouse felt he had to go outside it to get. A person
will do certain things (both sexual and nonsexual) things with
the affair partner because the affair partner sees him in a
way that is supportive and which frees him and encourages
him to do and say things he might not in his marital
relationship.” Additionally, the affair partner establishes a
bond of emotional intimacy that provides a safety net for all
kinds of new experiences. So basically, the affair partner is
providing the “affair bubble” for the spouse where the two
exist in their perfect little world.
It can be hard to do, but after infidelity Marano advises that
you need to discuss the affair and it’s vital that you both
process all the old hurt quite openly, and the unfaithful
spouse needs to grasp the pain he has caused. However, it is not fair to place the entire burden
of describing what is/was wrong with your marital relationship directly on him. After all, it is a
relationship, and you’re in it as much as he is, and you are responsible for diagnosing and fixing
its problems as much as he is.
For Linda and me, this has been an ongoing process. Linda still hurts from the pain I caused her,
which I have totally been remorseful and feel guilty for. But at the same time we both have
acknowledged that we could have done many things differently in our marriage, and that we
were equally at fault in letting our relationship deteriorate. This admission of guilt by each of
us as propelled us to work on our marriage relationship together so that we never walk down
that path again.
You need to show your spouse after infidelity that you are open to discussing your relationship
and admit that perhaps you might not be the most emotionally supportive or in-touch spouse,
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and be “willing to fix it yourself these issues and any barriers you put up to emotional (and
sexual) intimacy.” If you can fix the problems in emotional intimacy, more than likely you will
solve any problems of sexual intimacy and you will be well on your way to recovery after
infidelity.
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Marital Infidelity—an Addiction
I was in my car the other day listening to talk radio and there was a marital infidelity counselor
on who was taking calls from listeners. One of the callers was in an affair with a woman in his
city and he was having a hard time ending it. In fact, he said that he and his affair partner were
addicted to each other and both of them could not give each other up. He was calling for
advice on what he should do. His wife was aware of the affair and he was lucky in that she had
been very receptive to his explanation that the reason for the affair was that his wife wasn’t
meeting some of his needs. However, now he couldn’t get himself out of the affair because he
and the other woman had become too attached. He wanted to separate from her though, as
they both thought it was necessary. However, he missed her, wanted to talk to her and wanted
to be with her.
As is the case with most affairs, the feeling that
the partners get from each other is like a drug
and is hard to break free from. This obviously
is a problem. The counselor first suggested
that like any other addiction such as drugs or
alcohol, he needed to create extraordinary
precautions. In other words, his behavior
needed to be monitored, he should go away
for a while with his wife or even go so far as to
move out of the area. He must absolutely
break contact with his affair partner.
The counselor added that only 15% of those in affairs can in fact break free, and the other 85%
continue their affairs until they ultimately die a natural death. The counselor further added
that he had determined that ending the affair the right way is the most difficult thing to do, but
is the smartest since there is less emotional fallout.
At the time, the caller’s wife was willing to work with him on their marriage, but the counselor
suggested that if the affair continued, she would eventually give up and the marriage would
likely end. The affair would likely continue for a bit, die a natural death, yet possibly be too late
for the spouse to recover her loving feelings towards her husband. He would lose his wife’s love
for him.
Quick reactions were recommended for the caller. Two things needed to happen ASAP:
1. Never see his lover again
2. Rebuild the relationship with his wife
The counselor suggested that he and his wife needed to spend a tremendous amount of time
together, with his wife acting as a support mechanism for him to help him get over his
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addiction. At the same time, he needed to give her some support and the confidence that the
relationship was really meant to be. Often the cheater realizes too late that the spouse has lost
his/her love for them and just how hard it is to get that love back.
So if you are suffering from the addiction called marital infidelity, quickly remove yourself from
the drug (the affair partner) and act dramatically to win your spouse back before she loses the
love for you permanently.
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Overcoming Emotional Infidelity Requires a
Healing Identity
Steven Stosny, Ph.D states that there are three clear points that are evident with people who
have suffered unimaginable emotional pain, such as emotional infidelity. The first is that human
beings have an extraordinary capacity for healing all kinds of emotional wounds. The second
truth is that the most important element in overcoming emotional pain is a healing identity.
Stosny further states that “people with healing identities focus on their resilience, strengths,
and desire to improve their lives. They do not give in to thoughts of damage, unfairness, bad
moods, blame, or victim identity.” Instead, they keep focused on their desire to heal and
improve.
When dealing with Doug’s emotional infidelity,
I had to force myself to maintain a healing
identity. It was difficult to do because it’s only
natural to have emotions contradictory to this
type of identity, especially immediately after
discovering the affair. It was my ability to let
go of resentment and to focus on my strengths
and desire to improve our marriage that
carried me through.
The third point about healing is that it seems to
require at least an “implicit understanding of the nature and purpose of painful memories and
how they play a crucial role in emotional well being.” In other words, memories of pain serve
to keep us safe in the present. Those with healing identities keep focused on making their lives
better in the present and future.
Apparently, “painful memories come equipped with a built-in healing mechanism, as long as
our efforts to keep safe do not violate deeper values,” says Stosny. For instance, pain that
results from death of a loved one runs a natural healing course, unless we try to protect
ourselves from loss by withholding love from others. The violation of the deeper value of
emotional connection and love keeps the memory of loss painful. “But once we allow ourselves
to improve ourselves in other areas of life, the memories of the lost loved one become pleasant
reminders of enriched life experience.” In other words, over time painful memories activate
our abilities to heal, improve ourselves, and create value in our life.
The trick in all of this is learning how to develop a healing identity if it is not an attribute that
you currently possess. I believe that it can be accomplished, and it my case I did so by focusing
primarily on myself and my strengths, and my desire to save my marriage.
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When confronted with emotional infidelity, if you interfere with the natural healing process by
focusing on damage, unfairness, moodiness, blame, or victim identity, painful memories this
will often cause depression, obsessions, resentment, anger, addictions, abuse, or violence. That
is why it is so crucial to identify with your deepest longing to heal, improve, and create value.
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Surviving an Affair: A Two Step Approach
One of the authors that I have followed is Willard E. Harley Jr. Ph.D., author of several different
books including “His Needs Her Needs” (which you can find in “The Library” on our blog). He
has a fairly straight forward 2-step approach to surviving an affair. Step 1: Never have contact
with the affair partner again, and work to create conditions that make it impossible for them to
be in contact. Step 2: Create a romantic relationship with your spouse so that he/she won’t be
so tempted to have an affair in the future.
Dr. Harley takes a fairly hard line and counsels victims of affairs to take definite action, and
particularly urges wives to be independent and be willing to separate from their husbands
temporarily until the matter can be resolved together. Basically the betrayed spouse needs to
make it clear that they are not going to put up
with the affair.
What serves as a roadblock to this is that often
times the spouse in the affair is reluctant to
give up their lover. Harley dictates that the
spouse MUST stop making any contact and
never see or talk to their lover again. He even
goes so far as to say that they might have to
leave the state that they live in, if that is what
it is going to take. This complete disconnect
helps the spouse break from their addiction.
All contact with the affair partner must end
Should the spouse be unwilling to break all contact, the betrayed spouse must prepare for the
possibility of a lengthy separation. Harley recommends this primarily for the protection of the
betrayed spouse’s emotions and it also allows the spouse to withhold the fulfillment of needs
that he/she performed before the affair. This goes back to the point that an affair partner
meets just one or two of the important emotional needs, while the spouse meets two or three.
What then happens is that the spouse in the affair realizes that the affair partner cannot meet
the needs that his/her spouse had met, and often results in the cheating spouse letting go of his
affair partner all together.
When the married couple decides to reconcile and the cheating spouse agrees to avoid contact
with the affair partner, it is now time for the betrayed spouse to learn how to meet the needs
that were previously being met by the affair partner. He/she needs to become more available
sexually and needs to start joining their spouse in his/her favorite activities. It is usually the
case that the lover simply cannot take the place of the spouse, but the spouse can take the
place of the lover.
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Does the love ever die?
Dr. Harley states that there lies the possibility that the love for the affair partner may never
completely die and he/she could remain vulnerable to the affair partner, and therefore should
never see that person again.
I must admit that this last caveat makes me feel concerned for the future should Doug ever feel
that his needs are not being met. I constantly wonder if he eventually will decide to stray again
and reestablish contact with Tanya. At the same time though, I’ve come to realize that a
successful marriage is hard work, we’re in it for the long haul and we’re doing what we need to
do to meet each other’s needs. I can’t worry about the future, but only the present and what I
can control. It just really sucks that surviving an affair is even something I have to be concerned
with in the first place!
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After the Affair: Resentment Lingers
Recovering from marital problems is a very difficult process, and when a couple adds emotional
infidelity into the mix, repairing the relationship after the affair requires much more time,
patience and work. If Doug would have told me that he was not happy in our marriage and that
he wasn’t sure he was in love with me, I believe that we could have easily rejuvenated our
feelings for each other. However, since he involved a third party, it’s obviously been much
more difficult. Honestly, I believe that simply spending time alone, doing the things that we
both enjoy and discussing our problems were all we would have needed to make our
relationship better. Our time together would have been positive and would have given us the
opportunity to realize why we were together in the first place, and that we really just loved
being together.
The complications that resulted by Doug being
involved in an emotional affair made healing and
connecting with each other very difficult. I lost my
self-concept, trust and faith that he loved me and
wanted to be here for all the right reasons. I did
gain something though–resentment. I resented
how badly he hurt me during and after the affair.
At the same time, Doug lost his trust that
things would not go back to the way they were
for the last several years, and gained feelings of
resentment because I put the children first and was unable to meet his needs.
My self-concept is something I struggle with often. I wonder who I am. Who does Doug want
me to be? Was it really me he rejected or the relationship and person that I became because of
reality and resentment? Am I acting differently just to please him, or is this the way I really am?
When Doug and I are together my behaviors seem very natural and I feel that my actions and
emotions are in tune with the way I feel. I want to be with him and love the times we are
spending together, and I feel free to communicate my love—as well as my complaints with
him. I have a hard time understanding why I’m still having these lost and insecure feelings.
Doug is frustrated with this because he tries to do everything he can to make me feel loved and
safe. I explained to him that the experiences that we had from the affair are totally different.
For Doug, the affair was an occurrence where he was able to reaffirm that he was OK. That he
was attractive and desirable and that someone found him funny, smart and successful. In
contrast, the experience made me question my desirability, my personality, who I was and why
I wasn’t good enough.
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While the affair made Doug believe that in some ways he was the perfect companion, it made
me believe that I didn’t know how to love and that I wasn’t good enough to be loved.
Throughout our marriage I felt secure and believed that Doug loved me for who I was. I didn’t
have to be perfect and I felt secure that he would be there even though I might be cranky,
looked like crap in the morning or gained a few pounds. After the affair, I lost all that security.
Some nights I wake up and cry because I really miss the way I used to feel about myself.
Building trust has been a challenge
Another problem in our recovery is trust. Trusting Doug to be faithful and trusting that if he
runs into her that all those past feelings won’t resurface. Trusting that he will be with me for
the long haul, no matter what is thrown our way. For Doug, I believe he needs to trust that I
will continue to meet his needs and that there weren’t any ulterior motives for the changes
that I made, and that in reality the way I am now is my true self. Life, kids, jobs and stress made
me lose my way over the last several years and I took him for granted. He needs to trust that I
never want to go back to that again.
Resentment has been a major obstacle in our recovery from
infidelity. Initially, when I began this journey I had let go of all
the resentment from our past and moved on to try and save
our marriage. In many ways this was easy for me because I
was able to understand how it all happened and how I
contributed to the deterioration of our marriage.
Doug had resentment not only from what happened in
the past, but from the affair as well. I believe he blamed
me for this mess at first. In the beginning I think Doug thought that if I would have been a
better wife that all of this wouldn’t have happened. It took Doug a long time to realize that he
was as much to blame as me for our problems and that he had to make some changes as well.
After the discovery of his affair, his resentment along with having someone (Tanya) re-affirm his
feelings, hindered him from moving ahead. He wanted to punish me. So in turn he was not
receptive to my changes and actually made him resent me even more. He said things that were
painful to hear and he had difficulty emotionally connecting with me while making little effort
to understand my needs. This period of Doug’s resentment left me very hurt and angry. I had a
hard time coping with the way he treated me and was constantly confused as to the reasons
why he was acting this way.
I made every effort to meet Doug’s needs and be the perfect wife, yet he continued his affair,
selfishness and his resentment. As a result of this behavior I am having a hard time letting go of
the pain and hurt. In some ways I feel I am going through the same feeling that Doug had. I
want to punish him. I don’t trust his changes. I want to think that if I ran away and didn’t love
him or want him, then everything would be OK and that I would be OK. I know that my thinking
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is nonsense. I need to let go of the resentment that has lingered after the affair and live in the
present and look towards our future together.
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After the Affair: Doug’s Resentment
We received several emails from readers wanting my point of view on Linda’s post from
yesterday. Though none of the emails were specific on what they wanted me to comment on, I
thought I’d share my feelings regarding the resentment issues. Linda’s post was the result of a
rather lengthy, emotional discussion we had the night before regarding this issue. It is an issue
that we discuss frequently. Hopefully, I will satisfy the readers’ curiosity.
I’m going to pick this up from the point where I ended the emotional affair with Tanya. As
Linda mentioned, I did harbor resentment towards her initially. I guess it was lingering
resentment from back before the affair even started. I was resentful for her basically putting
me as low man on the totem poll and ignoring my most important needs.
The resentment carried throughout the affair
because (as I’ve learned since) the fire of
resentment was being fanned by Tanya quite
effectively. This contributed to me basically being
an asshole to Linda, which is something I severely
regret now doing. But naturally I was blind to this
during the affair. For the record though, I have
never felt that Linda was not good enough, pretty
enough or smart enough for me. Quite the
contrary, actually. I was just pissed that she
basically ignored me for quite awhile previously.
In the early stages of our recovering from infidelity, I became aware that was the root of how I
was acting and feeling, and to be honest, I got over that resentment rather quickly. I also
realized that I was just as much, if not more to blame than Linda for the discontent in our
marriage.
What lingered on and caused me not to come back to Linda quicker was skepticism (trust)
about whether or not the improvements that were made in the way we were communicating,
the affection she was displaying towards me and all the other wonderful things we were doing
at the time would last. And that they weren’t just “staged” in order to keep me from
continuing the affair. I found it hard to believe at the time that she could change her feelings
and actions on a dime like that.
At this point, to me that doesn’t matter anymore either because by Linda doing what she did,
and acting the way she did—by basically satisfying all of my most important needs, it
transformed our troubled relationship into a good relationship, which ignited a spark between
us that had been dormant for years. Tanya had become nothing more than a distant memory at
that point.
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It’s been a learning experience
At the same time, I have learned a lot about myself, about relationships, marriage, and what it
takes to keep a marriage strong. I feel that I have made great strides towards improving my
communication, my affection and ability to satisfy Linda’s needs as well. Though I admit I still
need to continue to work on getting better at it. And to tell you the truth, even though Linda is
concerned that someday I will run into Tanya and my feelings for her and everything else would
start all over again, I feel quite positive that would not be the case.
You see, looking back after the affair from a now happily married person, knowing what I now
know regarding the dynamics of affairs and why they occur, makes me realize that it was all an
illusion and that it was a stupid, selfish, narcissistic thing to do. I feel tremendous guilt for
hurting Linda the way that I have and will forever feel remorseful. It certainly was not the way
to treat the person who I have 30 years of history with, 3 children, and so much more. I guess
now I get to look forward to Linda punishing me! LOL!
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Save Your Marriage: Will Your Spouse Cheat
Again?
So your spouse has had an affair, and you are now contemplating whether you should throw
him/her out or work to save your marriage. One question that most people in this position will
be asking themselves is if the cheating spouse is going to cheat again? Should you trust again or
not? You may feel torn, like you want to take your spouse back but feel like it is a point of pride
not to, but then you may feel that the history and family you share is enough reason to
reconsider.
Research studies show that cheating is relatively common. According to recent studies, even
spouses who describe themselves as “happy” with their marriage have affairs.
But the good news is that married couples can
actually work through the crisis of an affair, can
become more intimate and they can put an
end to cheating once and for all. This means
that, “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is just
not true. There are people who learn and grow
from the pain and loss of closeness in the
relationship that are the aftermaths of an
affair.
Of course there are always those individuals
who will cheat and cheat again. So how do you tell if your spouse might be a chronic cheater?
Here are five signs of relationship advice from Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. that indicate your
cheating spouse is not a habitual cheater and you have a chance to save your marriage:
1. Your spouse is truly remorseful and regrets having cheated. Look for heartfelt apologies that
ring true when you hear them.
2. Your spouse cuts off contact with his or her affair partner.
3. The cheater shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you.
4. You wind up having deep, open and honest conversations with each other about your
relationship, what was missing in it and where you’d like to take it in the future.
5. Your spouse wants to enter psychotherapy or counseling either individually or with you to
understand his/her own dynamics and to make your relationship better and more intimate.
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If the cheating spouse shows these signs and the relationship is good for you in many other
ways, then the chances of you working through this crisis is very good.
So how do you know if your spouse has not given up the affair or is even cheating with someone
different? Kirschner points out just a few of the most common signs:
• He/she’s working late a lot
• He/she is suddenly taking trips you can’t go on
• He/she’s got new hobbies that don’t include you
• Mysterious phone calls with hang-ups
• Credit card bills for unexplained hotel stays or gift-type items
• Less sex
• He/she’s more distant, angry or picky
If your spouse has an affair, it doesn’t absolutely mean he or she will do it again. Once a
cheater, always a cheater isn’t necessarily true. Forgiveness and a new found intimacy are
possible as you work to save your marriage.
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Emotional Affairs: Looking Through Rose
Colored Glasses
In Doug’s post from the other day, he made the comment, “I found it hard to believe at the
time that she could change her feelings and actions on a dime like that.” I understand that he
was skeptical, however if Doug would not have been involved in an emotional affair, I believe
he would have viewed my changes in a different way. I believe he would have been relieved
that I still loved him and wanted to save our marriage. He would have welcomed my changes
and would have been receptive to the efforts that I was making.
By Doug being involved with someone else my changes only caused resentment and mistrust.
He believed that he finally found someone who could meet his needs the way he deserved, and
that he had found someone who really understood him and could provide the companionship
he desired.
Even after I tried to become the perfect wife, I still
was not able to make him feel the way she did
because he may have been comparing how it felt to
be in a long term relationship with an affair
relationship. Even after we made attempts to meet
each other’s needs, there was still the fact that we
were having conflicts and living a stressful life that
at times hindered the loving feelings. I realize now
that it wasn’t because she understood him better.
It wasn’t that she was able to be a better
companion or able to love him more than I. Rather,
it was all about the illusion and the “perfect” situation that Doug was experiencing at the time.
When people are involved in emotional affairs they will comment that they can finally be their
true selves with their affair partner and that their affair partner brings out the best in them. I
don’t disagree with that. I believe that during an affair you have the opportunity to be the
person you want to be. Loving, patient, kind and supportive. The affair offers an environment
for this kind of positive behavior. Eventually a person cannot continue to be everything they
portrayed at the beginning of the relationship.
The emotional affair wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
Not too long ago Doug made a comment “I wouldn’t have been any better off with her than
you.” When Doug said that I was obviously shocked, but after Doug apologized for the awkward
way that the words came out of his mouth, I figured out what he really meant. I believe that he
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finally realized that when the infatuation ended, he would pretty much be in the same boat
with her that he was with me—and more than likely worse.
He realized Tanya wasn’t so perfect and that she had faults and would react to his
imperfections similarly as I would. It became obvious to him that Tanya’s ability to meet his
needs as perfectly as she did during the affair would not last. There were times during the
affair that things weren’t so perfect, and that she would be resentful, angry and distant to him.
In the beginning, there were a lot of things that were different and attractive about her, such as
her interests and personality. They were a novelty to him. But in reality, those interests
weren’t anything that he was interested in or that he would want to pursue himself. Her
uniqueness that initially seemed to be desirable to Doug would eventually prove to be a
problem and annoyance for him as time went on.
Their ability to make each other feel the way they did during the affair would eventually come
to an end. Being involved in an emotional affair is lighthearted and easy. There was not much
effort to make each other feel loved and valued, as it happened naturally because of the
situation and its newness. If the affair were to progress and turn into a permanent relationship
the illusion and excitement would die quickly. They really wouldn’t have anything to hold their
relationship together. No history, no common friends, a divided family and a lot of guilt.
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Emotional Affairs: Rekindled Past Flames
One of the common threads we have noticed from comments to this blog as well as from the
emails we receive, is that many of the emotional affairs that exist are being carried out with old
boyfriends or girlfriends. We thought that was kind of interesting and decided to do a little
research on the subject. We were kind of surprised to find out that this sort of thing has been a
growing trend. It actually has a name for it—“Rekindling.”
Probably the most notable person who has conducted research for this phenomenon is Nancy
Kalish, Ph.D. who began her research on rekindled romances in 1993 with a simple survey of
men and women who tried reunions with ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Her initial survey
request for participation appeared on radio stations, television shows, in magazines and
newspapers, and on the Internet (which at the time would have been in its infancy).
As a result of that first survey, Dr. Kalish found that reunions with former boyfriends or
girlfriends were common in all age groups. Two-thirds of the participants had reunited with
their first loves from when they were 17 years old or younger. Their success rate for staying
together was 78%. For the overall sample, the staying together rate was 72%. In our opinion
that is a very high success rate. However, something changed as her research model switched
to more internet based research.
Recently, she conducted new research on participants who have
typically found each other online through sites such as
Facebook, Classmates.com, etc. These participants are very
different in one respect: the majority (62%) are married, or their
lost loves are married, or both. They are in unexpected
emotional (and often physical) extramarital affairs with their old
flames.
These extramarital reunions were generally not successful,
and the reconnections were devastating to the spouses,
children, and the lost loves themselves. Although most
participants believed they could carry on the affairs until
they decided what to do about their marriages, most were
caught by their families.
Because of the high extramarital rate, successful reunions
for this group of participants was low: only 5% of the lost
love couples married each other; one or both of the affair
partners chose to remain married. If they were not caught, most ended their reunions after a
few years. About half of those in Kalish’s sample who divorced to get back together reported
that before renewing contact with their earlier love, their current marriages had been good.
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Thinking about an old flame is fine, but beware of contacting them because it can escalate into
an affair with amazing speed and force. It’s like you’re falling in love all over again, thrown back
to those exciting teenage days. One survey participant noted that her first boyfriend found her
on classmates.com, and before she knew it, she was obsessed, and then lying to her husband,
and then sexually unfaithful, and then caught by her husband – who, to her continuing
gratitude, stuck with her instead of divorcing her.
Therapists tend to underestimate the powerful nature of such old loves, especially first loves,
Kalish argues. As a result, they tend to tell such patients that their feelings for their re-found
loves are based on fantasy and that they can find the same feelings in their own marriages if
they only try. But that fails to take into account that reunited lovers really do know and love
each other, and a first love, in particular, remains unique.
“This is not about sex, it is not about the spouse or the marriage, it is not a midlife crisis. The reunion is
a continuation of a love that was interrupted.”
Some research indicates that a teenager may attach specifically to a first lover in much the
same way as a baby attaches to a mother. Psychologist Linda Waud says, “There is an actual
neurological attachment that happens between these individuals, and that’s why it’s enduring
and it never leaves your mind. It’s there forever and ever.” She goes on to say, “There is this
strong sense that they have to reconnect with the other person before they die.” Waud
herself, was reunited with her current husband after more than 35 years apart; they met at a
high school reunion after each of their marriages to other people had ended.
Not every affair leads to marriage; indeed, most don’t. According to the late infidelity
researcher Shirley Glass, Ph.D., when one spouse leaves for another person, the chance of
failure for the new relationship is about 75 percent.
On a survey follow up, one of the participants wrote that one day while performing a search on
the Internet, she typed her college sweetheart’s name on a whim. “I didn’t even know I’d been
thinking of him,” she says. Within weeks, they’d rendezvoused; within months, she had left her
husband of 32 years and bought a condo in the city where her old flame lived.
Almost immediately, the relationship deteriorated. “All of a sudden, he was too busy. The
flowers stopped, the candy stopped,” she says. “We tried to make it work for a few years, but it
eventually ended in a very ugly way. I was foolish—I saw what I wanted to see.” Surprisingly,
she and her husband never divorced, and they are working toward reconciliation.
Repairing trust in a marriage is hard enough after an affair. But bouncing back from a lost-love
affair is far more complicated. Many couples are unable to rebuild the relationship without
professional help. The solution is as individual as the two people involved, but a good marriage
counselor should be able to help find it.
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So just how worried should married people be that their spouse is going to have an affair and
leave them for their first love? The answer: not very. For most people, a blast from the past
won’t result in either a divorce or a fairy-tale wedding. In fact, most will eventually remember
why they ended their relationship in the first place. “Most of the time,” says David Greenfield,
Ph.D., a psychologist in Connecticut, “if we were meant to be in each other’s lives, we would
be. In most cases, these relationships are over for a good reason.”
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Marital Affair Fears and How to Overcome
Them
In Something New! Open Discussion: Talk Amongst Yourselves, we asked you guys to spill your
guts about what your biggest fears were, and you totally came through. Not everyone would be
willing to say what they’re afraid of about marital affairs. But enough of you were brave enough
to give us 6 different fears.
We need to talk about fear
It’s easy to give people rational advice about what to do, but that’s worthless in the face of
fears. People get very attached to their fears. Fears can be pillars in some people’s
personalities. You have to be careful when discussing fears because people can get very
defensive and they may feel that you are belittling their fears, which makes them feel you are
belittling them as people.
Let me say that we are not here to belittle your fears. Recognizing that fear is usually irrational
does not belittle you as a person. Fears are not to be simply dismissed out of hand. Fears must
be recognized and acknowledged. But after you recognize and acknowledge your fear, you
must take the next step, which is to also recognize what your fears actually are.
I stumbled on this definition the other day and thought it was awesome: “Fear is an emotional
& physiological reaction we feel based on imagining events which have not even happened.”
You might want to read that sentence again.
In other words, fear is not who we are, it’s an emotional state we put ourselves in because of
our own thoughts. I’m not talking about biological “fight or flight” responses in the face of
physical danger—that’s altogether different. We can choose to have control over our own
minds. We can choose not to imagine the worst. Then the emotional fear reaction will not
arise. This is not always an easy thing to do to say the least. It takes some special training in
neuro-linguistic programming to master it.
Recognizing and acknowledging your fear, and then also recognizing that it’s nothing but the
product of your own imagination helps you reach the point of letting go of the fear so that it
has no power over you. This is all more easily said than done, of course. It’s difficult to catch
yourself in the act of being afraid and tracing its origins back to thoughts you had about events
which may never happen.
Recognizing, acknowledging, and seeing your fears for what they are is the first step. You may
not catch yourself all the time, but you will be more likely to catch yourself feeling irrational
fears more often, and that means you can interrupt your usual habit of behavior (and really,
that’s all it is: a habit).
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OK, enough psychiatry for today. (Go see a real mental health professional if you feel you have
serious problems, etc.). So what are your fears?
1. I’m afraid that my spouse has been physical with someone other than me.
This has got to be one of the top fears that we hear about in emails that we receive. Certainly
this is not an irrational thought to have. The trust has been shattered in your relationship and
now you don’t know what to believe. You wonder if you really ever knew your spouse at all.
Linda questions me regularly about this very matter. In fact, it happened this morning. She has
a hard time believing that my emotional affair with Tanya did not get physical. We’ve had this
same discussion several times. All I can do to alleviate her fears is to reiterate what I’ve told
her and continue to build the trust until one day she will believe me and eliminate that fear
from her mind.
2. I’m afraid my spouse will have another affair in the future.
Surviving one affair is ridiculously difficult. Having to do so more than once would be enough to
drive the victim to the brink of insanity.
All you can do here is continue to work on yourself, on the communication, establishing
boundaries and building trust. Do the things that are within your power to create a strong,
honest and happy marriage. The rest will hopefully take care of itself. Learn from the past, but
don’t live in it.
3. I fear my husband is having an affair and will get his affair partner pregnant.
Obviously if something like this happens, there are a host of concerns—number one being the
child itself. There are custody issues, visitation, child support and the overall well-being of the
child to be concerned with.
Though having an affair is not a responsible act, you would hope that your spouse (and his
partner) would be responsible enough so that an unwanted pregnancy would not occur.
4. I’m afraid my wife will leave me after I had an affair.
If you are truly remorseful (and have expressed it) and are working at changing, communicating
and expressing your love daily to your spouse and doing everything in your power to make your
spouse trust you, eventually the pain that he/she is feeling will subside and he/she will trust
you enough to love you completely and want to remain in the marriage.
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5. I fear my spouse will leave and I will lose everything that we’ve worked for and lose
my children as well.
I can relate to this fear myself—and I was the one in the affair. In this case however, the fear is
that the cheating spouse will leave for his/her affair partner.
Statistics point to the fact that the chances of a relationship between affair partners being
successful in the long run are not very good. Unfortunately, irrational emotions and illusions
can be a strong addiction for those involved in affairs, and often result in married men and
women leaving their spouses for their affair partners. Most of the time, though, these blissful
unions soon turn sour and die a natural death.
If your spouse has indeed ended his/her contact with the affair partner, then the chances of
him/her leaving are not very high. Assuming that is, you are doing everything required to meet
your spouse’s most important needs, etc. If the affair is still going on, then you have some work
ahead of you, but you can still save your marriage.
6. I’m afraid that my spouse will resume contact and ultimately the affair with the
other person.
In an earlier post we discussed the 2-step approach of Willard E. Harley Jr. Ph.D.: Step 1: Never
have contact with the affair partner again, and work to create conditions that make it
impossible for them to be in contact. Step 2: Create a romantic relationship with your spouse
so that he/she won’t be so tempted to have an affair in the future.
If you follow this approach, you should have success in eliminating the temptation for the affair
to resume. Dr. Harley does state though that it could take drastic measures such as quitting a
job or even moving out of state to accomplish this. Is that something you and your spouse are
prepared to do to save your marriage?
A Final Word…
Once again, thanks to those who were brave enough to offer up their greatest marital affair
fears. If there are additional fears posted to the comments, we will be sure to mention them.
Thanks also for the support that you are offering to each other. It gives Linda and me some
wonderful feelings that this type of interaction is happening, as it is one of the underlying goals
of this blog. If you enjoy a particular post, comment or discussion, please be sure to share it to
others through the “Share This” button, or the “Tweet” button so that we can get others to
share their point of view as well.
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After an Emotional Affair: Are You Acting the
Same?
I think often about whether or Doug is putting the same effort and emotions into our
relationship as he did with his emotional affair. Though I don’t think the word “effort” is
appropriate when it comes to an affair. In fact, I believe that was part of the appeal.
Everything was effortless. I’m sure it didn’t feel like work, it just came naturally and it was
something he wanted to do. Why was it effortless? Was it because we were unable to bring out
the best in each other? Are we not meant to be together? Why can’t Doug consistently give me
what I believe he gave her?
I believe any spouse who is going through this kind of situation feels the same way as I do. I also
think that the betrayed spouse feels the need to provide the excitement and affirmation that
their spouses experienced during their affair. So why is it so difficult for them to reciprocate? To
completely give forth as much effort into their marriage as they did in their affair?
If you had access to phone logs, emails etc. as I did, you
would be able to witness the extent of conversation and
the amount of time your spouse spent making the other
person feel special and loved. If they were not doing those
things then the relationship wouldn’t have progressed the
way it did.
Just think of how differently things would be if your
spouse did those things with you. Maybe we all wouldn’t
be in this mess to begin with.
While we were discussing this subject the other day, Doug
asked me if he ever did act that way in our relationship.
Honestly it is hard for me to remember. I am sure at the
beginning he did, but as time went on those efforts and
gestures somewhat subsided, which is typical in most longterm relationships. However, I always felt beautiful,
desirable and wanted for the majority of our marriage, so
he must have made some kind of effort for that to be the case.
It’s not that at times he doesn’t make me feel that way; it just doesn’t seem to come naturally
to him, like I believe it did with Tanya. It really breaks my heart that I am not always on his
mind as she was. Based on the phone logs and the things that he told me about their
relationship, I could tell that she was always front and center in his mind. As soon as he woke
up he would text her, then call and text all during the day just to touch base, make
arrangements and make an effort to leave work to see her. It is hard for me to know that he
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had the ability to be that way with someone else and that he just doesn’t “think about” doing
those things with me.
Before the emotional affair, I am not so sure I would have thought or cared so much about all
this, nor expected it like I do now. Unfortunately, now I don’t think there is anything else in the
world I want more. I want to know that Doug has the passion and the desire to be with me the
way he was with her. I know that he would say, “It wasn’t that big of deal”, or “we didn’t do
anything that special.” However, I have a hard time believing differently.
I know he believes that I think much too deeply about all of this and I know that it is not healthy
to compare the two situations. I know that I should not judge his desire and love for me based
on my perception of how he acted during his affair. I know that I need to look at the whole
picture. However, know that for a person in my situation it is understandable to wonder if he
feels the same way about me that he felt about her. Did his actions really display his true
feelings for her?
I know that in a lot of ways I am being unrealistic. I know that any long term relationship
cannot keep up such a high level of intensity. I know I need to look at the big picture and
everything thing that we do have together. In many ways we do have so much more because
we are in a long term relationship. However, right now I want to be the selfish one. What I want
from Doug is the attention and the desire he displayed during his affair. I also want the security
and the comfort that we have from being in a long term relationship. Right now in order for me
to heal from his emotional affair, I want and need it all. I know it may require a little more effort
and thinking on his part, and I know it may require him to change the way he participates in
“our” relationship. I think that our marriage is worth the effort. I hope that he feels the same.
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After the Affair: Giving Linda What She
Deserves
Yesterday Linda wrote about how people act differently while they are in affairs and expressed
her desire for me to consistently give her what she thinks I gave to Tanya. She was partially
correct in that a couple engaged in an affair certainly put forth their best efforts when around
the other person. That was certainly the case with me when around Tanya. Now after the
affair, the key is to keep the momentum going with Linda by trying to meet her most important
emotional needs.
We’ve talked before on this blog about how the feeling that exists within an affair is
infatuation, and I really believe that is the case. The problem is that infatuation is a powerful
drug. It takes over your mind and your actions to the point that it consumes your every waking
moment. She made me feel so good about myself and I have to say that it was a huge ego
boost for me. I felt desired. I felt attractive.
There is no question that I spent way too much time
texting and talking on the phone and in person with
Tanya and it seemed effortless at the time. As things
progressed it became more difficult to maintain that
level of contact, and what previously required minimal
effort soon became a giant pain in the ass. Living two
separate lives is not easy. It was at that time that I
started to realize that Tanya and the emotional affair
weren’t worth it anymore.
Was it love? At one point I thought so, but that was
fairly short-lived and I soon realized that it was not. At
the time the affair started I had the need to experience
that “in love” feeling again. But I was actually in love with the feeling and not with the person.
Of course I didn’t realize that right away. Eventually that “in love” feeling switched back to
Linda after the affair as we worked to save our marriage. Fortunately, the love that we have
means much more because of all we have together—intimacy, experiences, home and family.
Since Linda wrote that post, I have thought about what I need to do to show Linda I love her
and need more than I apparently have been. I guess sometimes I can be a little slow when it
comes to these things and needed a good kick in the pants. And quite frankly, when you’re
with someone day in and day out, being romantic or making loving gestures can be overlooked.
That being said, I have never been a very romantic type person, but I realize that this is what
Linda needs right now. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments, but they just need to be more
consistent. Even though she is constantly on my mind, I need to prove to her that is the case
by doing even just little things on a daily basis. Little reminders that I love her and I want to be
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with her. This will not only satisfy her emotional needs, but also will help build trust and
improve our communication even further.
I joked in an earlier post that I’m easily satisfied, as I’m happy as long as I have “food, beer, the
remote and sex at least 3 times a week.” I venture to say that Linda is similar in that it probably
doesn’t take much more than a note, a text or a phone call to make her feel loved. Of course,
the occasional flowers, candlelit dinner, massage and night out on the town won’t hurt either.
The key is to not let the little curve balls that life throws at me to get in the way.
So how does all this help when you are the victim of an affair? The fact that Linda and I talked
about this and she communicated her wants and needs to me should give you a clue. This type
of thing was rare in our earlier married life. Perhaps it is or was lacking in your marriage as
well. Previously I would not have known this was how she felt unless I could have read her
mind. So talk with your spouse and let him or her know what you want, need and expect from
your marriage after the affair.
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10 Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity
M. Gary Neuman, the author of “Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and
10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship” believes that it is very important to keep members of
the opposite sex “out of your intimate way” for you to maintain a happy marriage. His ideas
subscribe to the theory that the best way to protect your marriage from emotional or sexual
infidelity is to create limitations for yourself and your spouse with respect to outside
relationships with members of the opposite sex. He is not suggesting that you become a
speechless hermit, but suggests that we all have to be honest with ourselves to realize when an
interaction or conversation makes us feel closer to a person of the opposite sex than what we
should allow.
Consider his ten rules for avoiding potentially dangerous and damaging relationships with the
opposite sex:
1. Keep it All Business at the Office. Be sensitive to one’s feelings, but avoid
becoming the main person from whom a co-worker seeks emotional support.
2. Avoid Meetings With Members of the Opposite Sex Away From Work. If
you have to work together through lunch or dinner, Neuman suggests simply
order food into the office instead of going out. You are much more likely to
discuss issues outside of work if you are in a restaurant. If you absolutely
must meet outside the office, make sure to meet in a public place that isn’t
conducive to intimacy.
3. Meet in Groups. Try not to meet with members of the opposite sex alone. The addition of
just one extra person minimizes the chances of intimacy. Besides, people are less likely to
share intimate issues while in a group setting.
4. Find Polite Ways Of Ending Personal Conversations. Learn to gracefully walk away from
uncomfortable intimate conversations. Again, be sensitive, but suggest that they speak to
someone else who could be of more help. Don’t become the shoulder to lean on.
5. Avoid Consistency in the Relationship. Avoid “regular, ongoing personal conversations in
which you’re developing themes, favorite topics, or a continuing dialogue.”
6. Don’t Share Your Personal Feelings. By not sharing personal feelings or experiences it
curtails their ability to relate to you. Again, it’s OK to have conversations with folks, but just
don’t share your feelings. Granted, this can be a hard habit to break since it is so natural to do
so.
7. Be Unflinchingly Honest with Yourself. Be aware if you are feeling even slightly attracted to
someone else. Honestly consider why you are looking forward to the next time you see that
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person. It’s about how much you want to have a happy marriage versus how much you enjoy
sharing your feelings and having conversations with members of the opposite sex. Consider
what it is that has caused the attraction with this person in the first place. Perhaps you might
be feeling that this person offers something that you are missing. Identify it and work at finding
it with your spouse.
8. Avoid Cordial Kisses and Hugs, or Dancing with Members of the Opposite Sex. This may
seem a bit extreme, but even a simple hug can change the relationship and can “confuse the
perception of both parties.”
9. Don’t Drink Around the Opposite Sex. Drinking makes us lose our inhibitions. Enough said.
10. Show Your Commitment to Your Spouse Daily. Doing something special for your spouse
reminds you of what they mean to you. Leave a note, call them or plan a date night or
getaway. Focus on the great things that your spouse has done for you and remember that
relationships take time and effort to grow.
After reading this section of Neuman’s book (thanks to Linda’s suggestion), it became quite
apparent to me that I violated several of these rules leading up to my emotional infidelity with
Tanya. Call it naivety, not being honest with myself or whatever, but if I would have been more
familiar with these rules, and followed them from the onset, I would have been able to walk
away from a situation(s) that eventually caused a lot of pain and hurt within our marriage.
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Marital Affair Shatters Neighbor’s Lives
The reality of a marital affair hit our neighborhood this month. Across the street lived a couple
in their forties, who we have known for twenty years. They have two college aged children that
lived at home with them. They were a nice couple, who pretty much kept to themselves. They
would spend most of their time with their children and were involved a lot with their activities.
The husband played a very active role in his sons’ lives and appeared to dedicate his time to his
wife and children. The wife would often sit outside and keep her husband company while he
worked in the yard. From our perspective they were a happy couple.
Two months ago a for-sale sign appeared in their yard, but we didn’t think much of it, as we just
figured since the boys were getting older they decided to downsize. Unfortunately, we were
wrong. According to the wife’s explanation, the husband decided he didn’t want to be married
any longer and there wasn’t really anything the wife could do to convince him otherwise. When
you hear something like this the first thoughts that pop into your head are that he’s having a
mid-life crisis, an affair, or he has completely
gone over the deep end.
The house sold quickly and we saw the wife and her
two boys move out alone. The wife has never really
had a job outside of the home so she was faced
with the reality of trying to not only find a place to
live, but also a job. It was obvious that her sons
were staying with her to help her through this crisis.
Less than a week after the wife moved out, the
husband appeared at the house with another
woman and they began staying at the house that he shared with his wife and family for twenty
years. I can honestly say that all the emotions that I felt during my husband’s emotional affair,
came pouring back and I wanted to go over and kill him. First of all, I couldn’t believe that he
left his family, and secondly, he had the nerve to bring this woman to their house. I truly
thought he had lost his mind.
The marital affair has lasting effects on the family
I think often about the effects these actions are having on his family. I witnessed my neighbor’s
heartbreak as she moved all her belongings out, knowing that her life that she had treasured
and thought was secure was over. I felt bad for his sons because they will never have the same
respect for their father. All the years he dedicated to them will be somewhat forgotten, as they
will focus not on the good things, but on what he did to their family.
I wonder if it is all worth it. How will he feel after all the dust settles? Will this new relationship
be better? Will it last? What about all the events he has to look forward to as his children
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enter adulthood? Will the importance of the events go to the wayside because of the
awkwardness of the situation? Where will the mistress sit when his sons get married? Will she
be included in pictures? Who will be at the birth of their first grandchildren? Will his sons even
want him around? What about Christmas? The list goes on and on.
This event made me think about our situation and how that could have been our kids and me
trying to find a new place to live. I think about how hard it would have been for the kids to
leave the only house that they have ever lived in and truly loved, to go somewhere else. I think
about how hard it would have been for them to forgive their father and accept the new woman
in his life. What would happen to all of our holiday traditions, our Sundays together watching
football, our family camping, hiking and rock climbing trips, and the loss of the relationships
with our friends and our extended family.
It is hard to believe that Doug’s emotional affair could have changed the lives of so many
people he loved, and that he thought that perhaps someone else could offer more than me. I
look across the street and I am filled with sadness for the family. However, I also feel so grateful
that Doug and I made the decision to stay together and save our marriage. The journey has
been long and difficult but when my whole family is sitting around the table enjoying one of
Doug’s terrific meals there is nowhere else I would want to be. Our life is perfect.
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Trust After Infidelity
As luck would have it, We received an email a couple of days ago from Dr. Robert Huizenga that
deals with the issue of trust. We’ve mentioned before that Linda purchased Dr. Huizenga’s
book “Break Free From the Affair” early after my emotional affair with Tanya came to light.
Ever since, she has been on his newsletter mailing list. This particular email is timely as we have
been receiving many emails and comments about this particular issue, and I feel it is
appropriate to pass this wonderful information on to our readers.
Dr. Huizenga’s approach to infidelity and saving your marriage is a little unconventional
compared to many other authors, and quite frankly is very refreshing. We hope that you enjoy
this article and pass it along to those you feel might benefit from it.
How to TRUST (him/her and YOU) and Know for CERTAIN that Infidelity Will NEVER
AGAIN Happen
by Dr. Huizenga
I’m doing a major reorganization of my materials. I’ve got articles, ebooks, reports and posts all over the place.
In working with thousands I’ve notices some patterns and themes
that carry through for those coping with and recovering from
infidelity.
Here’s the progression: finding comfort, finding direction and then
feeling hope.
Today I’ve been thinking about hope and how that emerges.
Hope it tied to trust, to predictability. When it is difficult to trust, it is difficult to have hope.
I’m developing a Level 3, calling it the Masters Level, that presents materials that help develop
trust.
Here are a few thoughts on trust (and hope.):
You increase the chances that infidelity will NEVER happen to you again by developing a
sophisticated understanding of infidelity and relationships. Once you reach beneath the difficult
and the superficial you see real possibilities for trust and intimacy.
You May Not Trust the Change and for Good Reason
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Radical change often accompanies the discovery of infidelity.
Most of the wounded spouses who contact me make a 180 degree shift – begin acting in ways
they thought their cheating spouse always wanted.
The thinking: I can “win” him/her back. If distant, move close. If angry and resentful, become
pleasant. If hanging back, begin taking the initiative. If the aggressor, become the follower.
But, the cheating spouse rightly suspects that behavior cannot be sustained.
Or, a cheating spouse in affairs “I Don’t Want to Say No” or “I Want to be Close to
Someone…but can’t stand intimacy” when “caught” and fear losing family, job, reputation, etc.
also may exhibit a 180 degree behavioral change and become profusely apologetic and
remorseful.
But, again, you don’t trust it. The “I’m sorry” seems to lack authenticity.
The Norm: Rebuilding Trust is Hard and Confusing
How do I trust? Will I ever be able to trust again?
I hear those questions almost daily.
And, it’s not really too difficult to understand the difficulty of
rebuilding trust:
1. The pain is so excruciating that a person wants to move
through it quickly. “Let’s move on…” becomes the battle cry. And
so, the foundational issues of trust, respect and acceptance are
not addressed. The cheating spouse often wants to “move on”
because s/he fears talking about the affair. Talking about the
affair means being embarrassed, ashamed or fears criticism and
judgment.
2. Trust building is difficult since most of us lack the basic skills in developing an honest,
trustworthy and intimate relationship. We haven’t had a course in love 101. (You’re gonna get
it here.) Most of us also lack significant models – couples and marriages – in which trust is
intentionally built and sustained.
3. Many are driven by their desperate neediness (which rears its head in infidelity) and focus on
getting their needs met rather than building trust. This is a hugely important distinction and is
covered in Level 3.
Barriers to Marriage Makeover and Trust Building
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Often I hear these words which portray fear and judgment, two powerful impediments to
developing honesty, openness and transparency (which are vital
for trust:)
1. I want to talk, he/she doesn’t.
2. I’m afraid of finger-pointing, judgment. I will become the “bad
person.”
3. The conversation will eventually turn to “what I did wrong” or “how I
caused this problem.”
4. I’m fearful I will back down, give in, and then pretend that things are
fine.
5. I don’t want to hurt his/her feelings.
6. I don’t know how to put into words what I want to say.
7. I’m afraid “it” won’t work. Then what? I’d rather not face that.
8. I don’t want to talk about the past, but think I will have to.
9. We can’t (really don’t want to) find a time to get together.
10. I don’t feel safe. He/she might use what I say against me at some point.
11. I feel guilty, awful. I can’t get past that.
You Must Discover a Solid Foundation on which to Build Trust – and Sustain It
There’s a story in the Bible about the man who built his house on a foundation of sand. Another
on a rock foundation. Which one survived?
To be able to trust means you must identify and articulate basic foundational issues – my
values, my standards, my boundaries, my needs, my preferences, etc.)
I want you to do more than slap a little paint on the walls and throw down new carpet.
I want you to tear off the drywall, strip down to the bare essentials and put it back together in a
way that will last and be sustained for the rest of your life, for you and for you in relationship.
***********
Good stuff don’t you think? Dr. Huizenga has been at this a long time and we really respect his
work. He offers several different programs, with the flagship being “Break Free From the
Affair.” He has recently written a new book entitled, “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity –
From Basket Case to Making Your Cheating Spouse Blink” that you might want to check out. He
also has a free report entitled “Cheater, Cheater Affair Repeater” that you should download.
All of these materials are well worth taking advantage of. Thanks Dr. Huizenga!
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Emotional Infidelity: Comparing Partner to
Spouse
We recently wrote a post summarizing part of M.Gary Neuman’s book “Emotional Infidelity:
How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship” and his rules
for avoiding emotional affairs. In the book Neuman described something I found very
interesting and felt was very helpful for me to understand the dynamics of Doug’s affair. The
heading in the book was “Where competition fails.” He cited another reason for restricting
relationships with the opposite sex is the danger that competition presents to a marriage.
For example, if you develop a relationship with someone else who has a superior sense of
humor to your spouse, you may start to think that your spouse is really “boring.” Even your
friendships with others can cause you to see your spouse in a more negative light. Soon you
may say things like “She makes me laugh so much more than you do,” and you begin to judge
your spouse based on what you receive from your relationships with these other people. It is
unwise and unfair to place this form of competition on
your spouse.
The person you’re starting to get close to may have a great
sense of humor or be much more “spontaneous” than your
spouse, but then again he or she may not offer much of
anything else beyond what your spouse can offer. Neuman
says that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and it’s
unfair to judge your spouse on a specific scale without
taking the whole person into account.
There will always be people who possess better
personality traits than your spouse. Your spouse will
never be the best in every aspect of life. No such person exists. We often think that if our
spouse was better at this or better at that, then we’d have a much better marriage.
When I learned about Doug’s affair I initially believed that he had fallen out of love with me and
fell in love with someone else. However, the more I have learned about affairs, I’ve come to
realize that there is much more that goes into their feelings than just love. For one, I believe the
qualities that attracted Doug to Tanya were qualities that I may have been personally lacking or
had lost somewhere along the way. It wasn’t that I didn’t have other good qualities.
If the shoe was on the other foot…
When Doug and I first met I was spontaneous and outgoing. But with the stress that existed in
our lives I became rigid and boring. Doug’s illusion of his affair was that Tanya had better
personality traits than me in many ways. I venture to guess that if the situations were reversed
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and I was the one in the affair, my affair partner probably would have described me as being
funny, easy going and adventurous. Doug would have wondered what Linda he was describing,
because sadly enough that wasn’t the person he has been living with for the last several years.
I also believe that an affair gives the partners a stress free platform for showcasing their best
qualities. I know that one thing Tanya admired about Doug was his great sense of humor. This
was something that also attracted me to him when we first met. However, through the years
when he was at home he wasn’t always so humorous, and at times I felt his humor was directed
at me in a negative way. I admit I stopped appreciating how witty and funny he was, and
consequently he found someone who found that trait very appealing.
In Doug’s emotional affair everything was fun and lighthearted. They would have lunch, talk,
and text on the phone. It was free from most of the harsh realities of life and provided a
perfect opportunity for Doug to be the funny and adventurous person I used to know and love.
Don’t share your spouse’s faults
Comparing your spouse to a member of the opposite sex also can be damaging when you begin
to share your spouse’s faults with another person. If Doug told Tanya how he wished that his
wife was as fun and free spirited as she was, she probably tried even harder to appear that way.
Why wouldn’t you? She was receiving attention, affirmation and encouragement from the
relationship. Her husband’s opinion, on the other hand may have been totally different from
Doug’s. Her husband may have thought she was controlling, boring and a raging bitch!
The affair partner may argue that they felt this way because “my affair partner brought out the
best in me, while my spouse brought out the worst.” I believe the affair provides the situation
to always experience their partner’s best qualities because they are always in courtship mode.
The infatuation allows the person to immerse themselves in the good qualities while minimizing
the other person’s faults.
Life can take a toll on a marriage
This morning Doug and I discussed my thoughts on Neuman’s competition theory. I told him
how unfair it is that marriage can make people forget why they fell in love with their spouses in
the first place and how easy it is to compare them to another. Doug corrected me by saying
that it wasn’t our marriage that made us forget our love, it was the letting ourselves get
wrapped up in the reality of our life.
This revelation helped us understand that we didn’t intentionally try to hurt each other and
become disconnected. It wasn’t because we didn’t love each other enough. We simply allowed
the stress to get to us and we stopped working together as a team. Knowing this allows us to
stop placing blame on each other for his emotional infidelity, and made us aware of how our
everyday life took a toll on our marriage. Now we make a conscious effort to stay connected,
have fun and deal with whatever life throws at us together.
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Infidelity Discovered? 10 Ways to Calm Your
Powerful Feelings
Linda and I were in Memphis all weekend for a soccer tournament, and we didn’t get back until
very late, so we had no time to write a new post for this morning. So instead, we have another
guest post from Dr. Bob Huizenga about how to manage the powerful feelings after discovering
your partner’s infidelity.
By the way, if you ever have the opportunity to go to Memphis, we really suggest doing so.
That is, if you enjoy live music, good southern barbecue and a party atmosphere. We were
with our kids, so we couldn’t partake in all that the city has to offer, but we did mention that
we would love to come back another time to do so–without kids.
We talk a lot about how it’s important after an affair to work on recovering those lost loving
feelings, and going away together for even just a weekend is a great way to reconnect with your
spouse, and maybe get a little wild and crazy like you used to do when you were first dating.
OK, with that said, here is Dr. Huizenga’s guest post:
Infidelity Discovered? 10 Ways to Calm Your Powerful Feelings
by Dr. Robert Huizenga
When you find out about the affair, the first few hours, days and weeks can be emotionally
wrenching to say the least. Or, if someone you deeply care about begins “pulling away” you
may also experience intense feelings. Read through this list and pick out a couple things you can
do to help yourself during these times.
1. Walk. Run. If you are fit enough to run. Work out. Get the blood flowing. Physical exercise
drains off the adrenaline and physically you feel better. You also think better of yourself
because you are caring for you.
2. Talk. If you typically handle problems by talking them out, find someone who will listen as
you pour out your heart. Give them explicit instructions: “I need to talk, vent, cry, rage, and
question. Just look me in the eye, nod your head and listen.”
3. Write. Get a kitchen timer. Set it for 5 minutes. Spend that time writing…anything, everything
that comes to your mind. Don’t censor. When the bell goes off say to yourself, “OK, there it is.
Now I need to get on to other things. I will come back later and write more.” Put the writing in a
safe place or destroy it.
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4. Find a safe place and spend some time there. Do you have a favorite lake, wooded area, park,
room, chair where you feel safe and can “get away.” Intentionally spend some time there.
5. Use good “self talk.” Tell yourself, “You are ok. You will be ok. This too shall pass. What you
are feeling is normal and will not destroy you.” Develop that “observing part” that can speak to
your turmoil.
6. Pray. Meditate. Use your spiritual resources, if you have them. If you don’t have them, it can
be a good time to develop them. Spirituality often affirms your worth and enables you to see
the larger picture.
7. Be aware. Notice what you are thinking, how you are feeling and what you are doing. Pay
close attention to these chunks of your life. Just noticing often creates distance from the
emotional pain.
8. Encourage the rhythm of your feelings. Your feelings will come and go, often as in waves.
There will be lulls and sometimes they crash. Notice the intensity and frequency of the waves.
9. Get professional help. Supportive therapy might be helpful. Personal and professional
coaching, often via telephone, is a helpful phenomenon that is increasingly popular as a way to
find support and direction for specific problems.
10. Gather resources. Start reading, exploring the internet and talking to people about your
situation. Believe me, you are not alone. Many people have walked your path (well, not exactly
your path, but close) and are there to offer their understanding and point out the bends and
turns of your road.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two
decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website
Break Free from the Affair for more useful information.
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How to Catch a Cheating Spouse
One topic that we haven’t really touched on yet, and to some folks is somewhat controversial,
is whether or not you should give in to spying in order to catch a cheating spouse. Many victims
notice unusual behaviors and emotions from their spouses, but yet have no proof of there
actually being any infidelity.
Entire books have been written on this subject, so this post will just attempt to be a general
overview and offer some ideas and resources for you to consider. And let us mention that our
stance is pro-marriage, so if you want to save your marriage, there are ways to do that. But
there are always circumstances that for whatever reason, you need or want to know for sure
whether or not your spouse is cheating. We won’t get into those reasons, as only you will know
for sure if spying is something that you feel compelled to do.
One school of thought is that when you suspect your
partner is cheating on you, you need to resist your first
instinct to confront your partner and accuse them. While
this may seem like the most logical thing to do, you have
to resist this strong instinct and think carefully and
strategically. If you expose your suspicions immediately,
what sort of response do you hope to get? Is it likely to
bring you closer to the proof, or jeopardize your chances
of knowing for sure what is really happening?
Perhaps you’ve done the normal armchair investigations into your spouse’s cell phone, texts,
online accounts, or have noticed other unusual things in the way they are acting that raises
your suspicions. However, no solid proof has emerged. If you don’t have any proof, or your
proof is just circumstantial, the most likely response you will get is denial. If you can’t prove
without a doubt that you know about their affair, there is little you will be able to do that will
refute their denial.
To be honest with you, doing the research for this post was a real eye opener. We had no idea
all these products and resources existed. It was very educational to say the least. And one last
thing, we wouldn’t recommend you do any spying if you are not prepared to handle what you
might find out!
That being said, we offer the following resources to assist you in your efforts:
Signs of Cheating:
•
Book by Ruth Houston–“Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs.” Offered in our library and
as an e-book. The e-book comes with a couple of added bonus sections: For men –Is SHE
Cheating? And a section with affair recovery advice.
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•
A gazillion articles on signs of cheating at Ezine articles.
•
Other books about the signs of cheating from our Library.
Should you spy?
•
A brief free report (13 pages) by Dr. Robert Huizenga entitled “Should I Spy?” discusses the pros
and cons of spying to find out the truth.
Catch a Cheating Spouse E-books:
•
Comprehensive e-book by Sarah Paul, “How to Catch a Cheating Spouse,” addresses virtually
every aspect of cheating along with ways to determine if your spouse may be cheating.
Discusses spying methods and equipment. One of the bonuses of purchasing this book is a free
download of Sherlock Pro computer monitoring software. We’ve personally reviewed this book
and do recommend it.
•
“How to Catch Your Cheating Lover” by Edward Talurdey: Similar program to the above. Offers
techniques and resources to catch a cheater along with some added bonuses.
Reading Body Language:
•
Here’s a brief 3 minute video where a retired FBI agent discusses how to read a person’s body
language to tell if they are lying. To watch it click here.
•
Video from a body language expert: To view it click here.
•
Two books on the subject: “What Every Body is Saying” by Joe Navarro and “Body Language
101” by David Lambert.
•
Loads of articles on body Language and Lying on Ezine Articles.
Computer Monitoring:
Keylogging software allows for tracking (or logging) the keys struck on a computer keyboard,
typically in a covert manner so that the person using the keyboard is unaware that their actions
are being monitored.
•
CNET offers a Free Keylogger download for you to check out.
•
More computer monitoring gadgets and software. More bang, but also more bucks.
Portable Lie Detector:
•
Hand held lie detector that analyzes audio and claims to be able to detect if someone is lying. To
view information on this device go to the Deception Detector website.
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Other Spy Devices:
•
A variety of devices to catch a cheating spouse. This special Catch a Cheater package has
products such as GPS tracking devices, cell phone monitoring devices, SIM card readers (for
reading deleted texts), mini covert cameras, computer monitoring devices and even a semen
detection kit. Wow! Go to Spy Associates to check these out.
Phone and Email Searches:
•
Google: To find who a phone number belongs to, first try to do a search on Google. Type phone
number (cell phones too) in quotations (try both with and without dashes)and hit search. For
example, “555-123-4567”
•
Reverse Phone Serches: The Phone Detective offers searches for cell phones, landlines and
business phone numbers. The service provides access to high-quality data with a highfrequency of matches. Nobody has 100% of numbers, and any claims otherwise simply aren’t
true. Not a “phone book” for cell phone numbers. This is a paid service, but can offer you more
information than a Google search. A full phone report is $19.90 and a one year Premium
Membership is $44.90 and offers unlimited people searches and phone lookups.
•
Email Finder: Find nearly anyone’s email. Search by name or email address to find contact
information, social networks, and professional listings. It’s a reverse email search to find out
who the account is registered to. This is a paid service and a single email report is $14.95, or you
can do unlimited searches for $1.95 per month.
Well there it is. To be honest, we could have made this “How to Catch a Cheating Spouse”
resource page much longer as there is a ton of resources– both free and for a fee– out there.
Perhaps we will add to it in the future. Hopefully though, what we have put together will not
only help you in your spying endeavors, but also help you to determine whether or not it’s
something you want to do in the first place. If you have any other ideas or resources, please let
us know by leaving a comment. Good luck!
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After an Affair: Confronting the Other Person
We wanted to share with you the results of our discussion from last week on whether or not
you confronted the other person that your spouse or partner was having an affair with. We
had a ton of people who commented or emailed us with their experiences with this issue. Just
about 60% of you had indeed confronted the other person after an affair in a variety of ways.
The preferred method of contact was by phone, with texting being the second most popular
method. In many instances, the affair victim knew their spouse’s affair partner personally,
which we can only construe to mean that it made it a little easier for them to confront.
It was a mixed bag as to whether or not the confrontation did any real good in the overall
scheme of things. While most of the victim’s spouses were upset that they confronted their
affair partner, and actually did more harm than good to their relationship, many of the victims
indicated that the confrontation was a positive factor when it came to their own sense of
empowerment and self-esteem. It was a great form of release for them and made them feel
better, albeit perhaps only temporarily.
On the other side of the coin, many victims commented that they saw no need to confront the
other person as they felt it would do them no good both personally and in their relationships.
Dr. Robert Huizenga has done some research on confronting the other person, and he
concludes that yes, sometimes it can be good to confront, and other times, not so good. It
depends on the type of affair, and the personality traits of the people involved. He has a good
series on his site based on actual clients that he has treated that you might want to refer to.
He also offers a short video summarizing his research on confrontation that you can view
here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvK0lPPieQo&playnext=1&list=PL20B6BAA3934FB31C
Everyone has their own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced when an
unexpected confrontation. Some people respond by backing down, some people respond by
attacking, and some people will try to avoid the confrontation altogether. Linda and I have
always had somewhat non-confrontational personalities, but Linda has told me that at times
she had thought about confronting Tanya, though she never did because she felt it would not
do any good in the long run. It might have felt good to her and she might have had an
advantage initially. But would confronting Tanya have actually helped the situation over the
course of time?
Could confronting Tanya only further her resolve? Or would such a confrontation likely scare
her away? Conflicts are much easier to start than they are to stop. So, Linda felt that it was best
to avoid a confrontation altogether with her.
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So what is the right advice?
OK, so here you are, you may feel the need to put everything behind you, but there is still the
urge to contact the person who shattered your life. If you were really that desperate to move
on, you would. You wouldn’t indulge yourself with thoughts about confrontations. You would
somehow distract yourself and force yourself to let it go.
You are not concerned about this other person (nor should you be), but what you really want is
for your spouse to feel pain. To have someone treat him/her the way he/she has treated you.
More than likely you won’t get any answers from the other person since you already know the
important part. You know where you are today, and whatever happened, it’s done now. It’s
time to move on, and moving on means letting it all go.
On the other hand, if it will get you that much closer and faster to closure, then… go for it.
Confront the person. What do you have to lose? Who cares what that person thinks of you?
Confronting the other person after an affair is a choice. It is a choice you make based on a
variety of factors, feelings and possible outcomes. Many experts will tell you not to, which
might very well be the best thing to do. Contacting the other person means giving that person
importance and you do not want that. Besides, you never know what kind of person you might
be dealing with. Does “Fatal Attraction” ring a bell? Then again, sometimes you have to throw
caution to the wind and say “What the f**k” and just do it!
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After an Affair: Should you get Counseling?
After an affair there are a myriad of emotions and feelings that circulate between the parties
involved. Many times they are hard to sort out. You feel lost and confused and you don’t know
where to turn or what to do. Linda was that way at first, and her immediate response was to
secure as much knowledge about affairs as humanly possible. She was a research freak for
several weeks. This knowledge helped us to do the right things to save our marriage.
We may be unique from the standpoint that we were able to effectively counsel ourselves. This
may not be the case for many couples. At some point you may have to ask yourself if one or
both of you should seek the guidance of a third party.
Linda and I did see a counselor for one session. I
was not too thrilled to do it in the first place as you
can imagine, but it actually was a good thing. In our
brief hour-long session we were able to lay some
cards out on the table and get some valuable
information from the therapist which provided an
additional road map for us to follow.
Restoring the lines of communication paves the way
for a better marriage in the long term. Healthy
couples are those that get used to resolving
differences, even if it may seem unpleasant at the time.
Settling for a short-term solution (such as clamming up to keep the peace) will only expose your
relationship to the threat of cheating again.
However, the fact that the damage has already been done (rather than preventing it) adds
another dimension of complexity to the situation. Bringing unspoken grievances out in the
open is easier said than done.
Based on many couples’ experiences, it’s very difficult for a cheating spouse to point out the
reasons why he/she cheated, let alone admit those faults to themselves.
It’s equally hard for the affair victim to hear out their wayward partner since they’re also
dealing with their own pain as well.
When the act of speaking and listening about the affair seems too painful, it may be time to
realize that getting your marriage back on track is not such a simple thing to do by yourselves.
As you go through the steps of improving your communication skills as a couple, it may be time
for a counselor or mediator to participate and offer guidance in this process.
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The advantage of having an impartial mediator is the ability to settle the root of conflicts more
delicately. The right third party can provide a detached observation of the big picture without
bias or emotion.
The problem with leaving such a sensitive situation to the couple is that it can escalate to
hostility (if it hasn’t yet). Communicating each partner’s grievances through a counselor keeps
it from turning into a blame game.
The plain truth is that forgiveness can’t co-exist with anger, and this won’t go away if it can’t be
vented in a constructive manner. With the presence of a third party, the couple will have an
easier time to air their sides without directing their anger at each other.
Just remember to choose your counselor carefully. Make sure that he/she is a duly accredited
professional – and it’s also a good idea to rely on the word of mouth from friends and family. If
anyone from your immediate social circle had good results from a certain expert, then it’s
better than going through the yellow pages.
We are assuming that you visit this blog for knowledge and support much like Linda did after
learning of my emotional affair. We hope that we can provide you with sufficient help based on
our own experiences, which at times can be the best advice of all. Sometimes that is all it takes,
but often a couple needs more help and guidance after an affair, and a good therapist, coach or
clergy person may be the answer.
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My Emotional Affair: Selfishness Personified
It’s Good Friday and I’m at my office. Nobody else is here and it’s incredibly dead quiet. So I
thought I would write. I got to thinking about a discussion Linda and I had the other day about
how can the person involved in an affair profess to love their spouse, yet still carry on an
emotional affair with another person and knowingly inflict immense amounts of pain on his/her
partner. I know in my situation, I never really stopped loving Linda, though I may not have felt
the “in love” feelings that I once had for her. That didn’t mean that I ever stopped loving her.
After all we have been together for 30 years, she is the mother of our children, and is a
wonderful, caring person.
So how was it that I could sneak around behind her back with
someone else? I’m not a bad person at all, really. I’m a good
father. I thought I was a decent husband, and I was brought
up in a loving, caring and religious family, absent of any marital
infidelity.
I guess the best word to describe why I did it was selfishness
(though I’m sure Linda would offer you many more). I was
selfish in that I was too concerned with my own feelings and
what was missing in our relationship, and didn’t think about
the consequences my emotional affair could have on Linda.
I was too selfish (and stupid) to share my feelings of discontent
with Linda in the first place, and instead did so with another
person.
I was too selfish to allow myself to get wrapped up in the
feelings of infatuation and illusions of love that existed in my emotional affair with Tanya.
And I was too selfish to honestly admit my affair when it first came to light on the “D-day”
when Linda found out.
It took the possibility of losing everything staring me in the face to change the way I look at
everything—not only in marriage, but in life itself. And in knowing what is important and what
is not.
They say that an affair is a traumatic event, and I can attest to that whole heartedly. It has
been traumatic for Linda more so than me, but it has certainly been a life altering event and has
made me realize how devastating taking someone, or something for granted can be for all
parties involved.
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This event has changed me forever, and I hope that I am becoming a better husband, father,
worker, communicator and writer. It’s a shame that it took something like this to ignite these
mass improvements.
I guess in some sense, you could say that even after my emotional affair I’m still being selfish. I
can’t help it. For some reason I have to have a great family, happiness, freedom, success, and a
loving, forgiving, beautiful wife that was there all the time.
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Why Do We Try to Save Our Marriage?
As I was reading the responses to last week’s open discussion on how some of you reacted
when you found out about your spouse’s affair, was in some ways very comforting and in other
ways it was upsetting to me. It was comforting in that I realized I was not alone. Everyone
appeared to have the same reactions as I did. We all appeared to lose weight, lose sleep, were
not able to concentrate and had problems fulfilling our daily duties.
The thing I keep wondering, though, is why under so much pain and duress did we all continue
to try to save our marriages? Why didn’t we just throw in the towel and say that enough is
enough?
I wondered why I listened to Doug say that he wasn’t
in love with me, that he didn’t find me desirable, and
just couldn’t turn on the switch and have feelings for
me. Why didn’t I just say “OK” and move on? Was I
nuts? Did I suffer from low self-esteem? Was I
desperate? Why did I live through the pain day after
day, yet somehow kept trying?
I read everyone’s comments and felt that all of us
continued to try to save our marriage while our
spouses were putting out minimal effort. I wondered if
we are all out of our minds. Why shouldn’t we give up?
Then today I believe I got the answer. Today Doug came home from work and showed me his
post for Monday. As I read the post, it explained to me the reasons why I didn’t give up. Why I
wasn’t being stupid. Why I probably knew more than he did while he was involved with his
emotional affair.
Doug’s post was about selfishness, and how he finally realized that many of the reasons for his
affair were related to his selfishness. I cannot explain how his words affected me. His words
took away a lot of the guilt and feelings that I wasn’t good enough. His words took away
everything that had been weighing me down for a year and a half.
Finally I’m able to focus on our present and future, rather than focusing on the past and what
she had that I didn’t. Today I realized why I endured the pain and didn’t give up on us. I realized
that deep down I knew he really loved me and that we were meant to be together. I learned
that he had temporarily lost his way and it was my responsibility to believe in us and do
everything to keep us together–even if it meant compromising myself in the process. Today I
was finally able to tell Doug it was OK and that I now really understand. I feel so fortunate that
I didn’t give up. For months I constantly questioned why I kept trying when Doug didn’t seem to
care. I beat myself up over it.
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Today I talked to the neighbor across the street. The neighbor I had talked about in a past post
whose husband showed up at their house with another woman. She informed me that when
her husband told her their marriage was over and he had found someone else, she just gave up.
She said she wasn’t going to fight for him, and after a week of turmoil she called a lawyer.
Three months later the divorce was final. After talking to her about her husband’s affair, I
wondered if things would have been different if she would have tried to save the marriage.
Would they still be living across the street with their family intact? I had difficulty
understanding how she just gave up and moved on after only a week, where I continued trying
for over a year. Perhaps if she really understood the motivations for his affair, the dynamics of
an affair and that there is probably still love that exists between the two of them, then she
would realize there exists a real chance to save their marriage.
Follow this link for a great article from Oprah.com about another woman’s story of getting over
an affair. It will inspire you. Looking forward to hearing comments!
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After the Emotional Affair: I Hate you!
Believe or not this is totally uncharacteristic of me to have such negative feelings against
another human being. Generally, I try to see the good side in everyone. Realistically, I know I
hate the emotional affair more than the person I am attacking, but right now I feel that this is a
healthy way to let go of my anger.
I know that I can’t hate Doug, even though he is as much to blame as she is, because that would
hinder everything I am trying to do to save our marriage. And sorry to all you men out there,
but women have a way of manipulating you like putty. Unfortunately, that power erodes when
you have been married as long as we have. So along with my top list of stupid things said
during an affair this is my “I hate you Tanya list.”
I hate you because you broke the
unwritten rule among women.
Women support each other. We
know how difficult it is being a
wife, mother and career women,
and when a man comes to you
complaining about his wife you
should support the woman. You
tell him “Of course your wife falls
asleep on the couch. Think about
what she does all day.” Why don’t
you ask him what he is doing to
make her life easier? You don’t use that as an opportunity to move in for the kill.
•
I hate you because it was so easy for you to make my husband feel good about himself.
You were able to be complimentary, laugh at his jokes, and tell him how wonderful he
was. You were not living my life. It was different for me. You were on a constant
vacation with my husband.
•
I hate you because you were always able to appear funny, happy, free spirited, and then
you could go home and be your true self. I didn’t have that luxury; my true self was
there for my husband to see from the time I woke up until I collapsed in bed at night.
There was no place to hide and sometimes it wasn’t very pretty.
•
I hate you because you had all the control. You knew how to keep the affair going, how
to push my husband’s buttons and you knew what he was feeling and thinking. I felt like
I didn’t know him at all.
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•
I hate you because you were always available to meet my husband’s needs. It wasn’t
because I didn’t want to; I had a difficult job and three children at home who occupied a
lot of my time.
•
I hate you because you had all the power. You knew everything that my husband was
unhappy about in his marriage and you used that to your advantage. You always had the
upper hand and I was helpless.
•
I hate you because you used every opportunity to weed yourself into our lives. You did
so while we were on vacations, camping trips, evenings, weekends; your presence was
always there by phone calls or text.
•
I hate you because you didn’t have the guts to do something about your own bad
marriage. Instead you found someone who was married to make you feel better about
yourself.
•
I hate you because you made my husband forget why he loved me, his family and his
life.
•
I hate you because you listened so intently while my husband was telling you how
“unsatisfying” his marriage was. You appeared so understanding, but of course you
didn’t give a shit since he wasn’t unsatisfied with you.
•
I hate that my husband gave you everything I ever needed from him. You received his
undivided attention, appreciation, admiration, compliments and you didn’t have to do
his laundry, bare his children, or take care of him in return.
•
I hate you because I lost my sense of security and trust.
•
I hate you because you took away my confidence. Because of you I constantly question
if I am happy, pretty, funny, outgoing and skinny enough to satisfy my husband.
•
I hate you because the husband I thought I knew and loved was not that man anymore,
and I had to learn who he was, how to forgive him and how to love him again.
•
I hate you because even though you are not in our lives anymore you are a constant
image in my mind. Your name, your face, a sign, a memory can take a happy day and
turn it into a sad one.
•
I hate you because you never thought about me and the pain you were causing.
•
I hate you because I will never look at my husband the same way again.
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•
I hate you because I will never be the same person again. My childlike qualities of being
trusting and somewhat naïve will never be there again. Instead I feel like I walk around
afraid to truly experience life for fear of being hurt.
•
I hate you because you took away something so very precious to me–my husband’s
heart. That is something that I will never forget, forgive or understand because it was
never yours to take.
There. I’ve got that off my chest. Believe it or not, I feel much better now. You should really
give this a try. This allowed me to take some of the burden of their emotional affair and
transfer it out of my mind, if only for a little while.
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Thoughts on Jealousy in an Emotional Affair
I have been on spring break this week and therefore I have a lot more time on my hands to
reflect and write about Doug’s emotional affair. It is amazing how being away from 26 eight
year-olds clears your mind and energizes your body. For me it has been a good opportunity to
think about things. Doug however, is probably counting the minutes until I go back to school.
You will find that I am feeling a little outspoken this week and I believe my posts will reflect
that. Sometimes it feels good to totally speak your mind and tell it like it is.
I can’t help but comment on Doug’s answer to Last2know’s question (scroll all the way down to
April 7 comments). I know I may be taking a simple comment and blowing it way out of
proportion, but what the hell, I have earned the right.
Honestly when I read about how jealous Tanya
was of his relationship with his wife and family
I couldn’t help but laugh. To me it represented
solid proof just how screwed up an emotional
affair relationship really is.
I thought to myself what she possibly could
have to be jealous of. She had all the control.
He was putting every bit of energy into their
relationship and totally neglecting ours. I didn’t
even know she existed. Obviously, he was giving her everything she needed to feel safe and
secure. So what was her problem?
What did she have to lose? If it all ended she would still have a husband (obviously one she
wasn’t real fond of), but still a husband, a house and a family that was intact. I stood to lose
everything. I know that she wanted Doug to be with her. However would she be able to handle
his relationship with me, and his kids? Would she still continue to be jealous? Would Doug be
the next subject of her complaints? Sorry honey, but yes she probably would find “something”
wrong with you. As the saying goes- “Once a complainer always a complainer.”
I just can’t believe how twisted the thought process– or lack of –is when you are involved in a
marital affair. To think that it is OK to be upset when a man speaks nicely about his wife of
twenty five years or spends time with his family. After I read the comment I text Doug and
asked what he thought about her jealousy and complaints. He said it bothered him. I thought
well yeah I wouldn’t have been too fond of it either. So what were you thinking?
I guess it goes back to what Doug had said in an earlier post: “An affair is like being on a drug.”
You are receiving all the good feelings without thinking a lot about the consequences or the
flaws of the other person. You dismiss what you don’t find attractive and focus on what that
person is giving you at the time.
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Unfortunately what a person in an emotional affair doesn’t realize is eventually you will have to
meet the whole person. The million dollar question is will that person be someone you want to
sacrifice your life and family for?
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Recovering From an Affair: A Roller Coaster
Ride
Jealousy. It is amazing how that word gave me an extra bounce in my step yesterday and today
make me sink into a deep hole of depression. That’s what happens when you are recovering
from an affair.
Yesterday I was excited to know that Tanya was not perfect. Today I am upset because I
learned that their relationship was not perfect. That is, after Doug’s emotional affair he
seemed like a different person to me because of the type of person he chose to have the affair
with. She was different in personality and interests than what I believed Doug was attracted to.
So naturally I questioned him if these were traits that he found exciting and attractive. He
answered the question fine, and said “no not really,” and then went on to explain that she was
a very jealous person and had a hard time on the weekends. She didn’t like being away from
him or for him to spend time with his family.
The answer was very hard for me to hear, because in my
mind it revealed the seriousness of their relationship. As
unhealthy and wrong that their relationship was, his answer
confirmed everything I was trying to deny. Their relationship
contained hurt, jealousy, insecurity and closeness. It had
everything our relationship was missing at the time, but all of
the components that represent a real relationship. For me
that is one of the most difficult things to accept and forget.
I have a difficult time accepting the fact that the man I
married was capable of allowing himself to get involved with someone so deeply. I suppose I
was being naïve, but I really thought he believed in our commitment as much as I did– in good
times and bad. I know I will never truly understand how hurt and angry he was with me and our
relationship to justify breaking that commitment, and finding someone else who he thought
could fill the void. I just have a hard time forgetting and moving on.
I wonder if this is normal. Is there something wrong with me? Do I need counseling or drugs?
Maybe I didn’t go through the healing steps in the correct order.
Doug gets frustrated and thinks I don’t want to move on. He doesn’t know how much pain I am
in and if he did he would understand that there is nothing else in the world I want more than to
forget. Doug doesn’t know that the memories pop in my head constantly throughout the day
and that some days I feel I am being punched in the stomach because of the hurt.
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Just because I don’t talk about it everyday, the pain is still there filling my head until I have to
let it out. I know it’s hard for Doug to see me going through this. Hurting me is the last thing on
earth he wanted to do. I know that he wants to forget this whole mess and move on, and he is
doing everything he can to make things right. For me though, I worry if it ever be right.
What is right? I know now that we’re building the relationship we have always wanted. I know
that there is no one else that I want to share my life with. So what is wrong with me? Is the hurt
too much to make this right? I wonder did I believe in him too much? Did I put him and our
relationship on this pedestal only now to have a hard time realizing that neither was perfect? I
know that it wasn’t perfect, but was it really that bad for Doug to live a totally different life with
another women? I don’t know.
I suppose the answers will come with time and the pain will lesson with each passing day. I
know that it is unrealistic to believe that it will ever go away completely or that I will every truly
understand and accept it all. I just hate when the reality hits me like it did today. I hate that I
can feel on top of the world one day and want to crawl under the covers the next. I guess that is
what recovering from an affair is all about.
I have been very fortunate in my life that I never have had to face a major loss, disappointment
or betrayal. I am very new to this and in some ways going through it blindly. Recovering from an
affair is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I know there is no right or wrong way, so I am
just trying to do what I can to live for the present and imagine a brighter future.
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Emotional Affair-What Was he Thinking?
It is amazing to me how one question about jealousy can provide so much insight. For a year
and a half I have been thinking that Doug stumbled across the most perfect person in the world
for him. I was under the impression that with his emotional affair he had found someone
attractive, tiny, outgoing, confident, outspoken, funny, and always happy because these were
some of the words he had used to describe her. I am not dismissing that possibly at times she
was these things, but not once did he ever use the words jealous, controlling, complaining, nitpicky and possibly competitive and overbearing.
In desperation I would ask him is there was anything about her that he didn’t like? He would
pause, (a much too long of a pause for my confidence) and say “I guess I didn’t like the way she
talked about her husband.” I would wonder if that was all he had to give me. Then like a fool I
would ask if she was the perfect women, and Doug would respond “No one is perfect.” What
was that supposed to mean?
At that time I felt she was everything I was not. Now I have realized that I am everything she
was not. I am not controlling or jealous, I am very easy-going. I am also not a liar, not a cheat
and I would never complain about my husband because I am a loyal and caring wife (I know, a
little harsh).
I wonder why it took so long for Doug to reveal all of
her faults to me. Did he suddenly just come out of a
fog and see the whole person he was involved with?
How was she able to hide those little annoying traits so
perfectly? This is all so confusing to me.
At first I questioned if perhaps his taste in women
had changed. Was I too nice or too even
tempered? Did she provide that extra challenge
that he had long to experience? Did I really know
him at all, because in some ways Tanya’s
personality reminds me of a good friend of ours, and Doug always said he would kill her if he
had to live with her. Was he secretly attracted to that? Oh how the insecurities and the
questions began to surface.
Did Doug continue to keep her in that precious little box? Only to be afraid if he let her out of
that box and faced the reality of the situation, he would feel even worse than he does now?
Was he afraid that the reality of life would seem boring and unfulfilling again? It seems like he
kept all the illusions of the special times they spent together safely tucked away.
I don’t know, but something I do believe is that in order for us to move on and for me to
completely heal, he has to face the reality of it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. Yes, the guilt
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may overcome him like the pain has swallowed me, but how else do you grow? How do you
learn from your mistakes and make the changes needed for a happy marriage?
We (the betrayed spouses) were faced with the reality of it all from day one–whether we
wanted to or not . We are better people because of it. I believe Doug needs to let it all out of
that special little box and see his relationship for what it really was.
Do you want to know what I really think? I know that when Doug started his emotional affair
there was a lot lacking in his life as far as self-confidence, assurance and control. Yes, I was a
major contributing factor to that, for which I am very sorry. So it really didn’t take a whole lot
for him to be built up. And then along came Tanya.
Here is a man that is handsome, charming, intelligent and funny. A huge contrast from what
Tanya believed her husband was. In addition, he paid attention to her, complimented her and
made her feel good about herself again. Who could blame them? However, what happened
next is solid proof to me that marital affairs are based on illusion and infatuation.
Infatuation is a powerful drug
The other night I did a lot of research on infatuation because I just couldn’t believe that Doug
could be so blind and dismiss Tanya’s major negative personality traits. Traits that I thought he
didn’t find so appealing. In my research I found that when you are experiencing infatuation it is
indeed like being on a drug. It controls your every waking thought. You think about this person
day and night. You anticipate seeing and being with this person. You see only the qualities you
want to see and easily dismiss the behaviors you don’t particularly like. You are very selfish in
that you only give in order to receive those wonderful feelings. In many ways you are only
thinking about yourself and what you are gaining from this experience.
Infatuation has a very short shelf life, as eventually you can’t keep the charade going any longer
and you begin to show you true, whole self. This is the point when a relationship either fails or
moves on.
Was Doug receiving so many good feelings that he couldn’t stop? Was he blind to the fact that
this person wasn’t right for him? It is all so difficult for me to understand. I wish Doug could
explain what was in his mind when all this was happening.
I do believe that she controlled him, even though I doubt Doug will admit it. However, I am a
very intuitive woman and am very good at reading people. I have spent my whole life working
with women and feel I have a pretty could sense about them. I believe from what Doug has told
me and from my own intuition that Doug was like putty in her hands. She gave him the one
thing he needed, and that was admiration. It really didn’t matter that at times she drove him
crazy. I know I may be wrong, and I would love to get in the mind of a person who was involved
in an emotional affair. Perhaps someday I can actually know what in the hell he was thinking.
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After the Affair: I am Angry
Last night I began reading a book about forgiveness. In the book, the author discusses how
forgiveness needs to be an integral part of a marriage, and how on a daily basis we need to
learn to forgive our spouses for various things. The author discussed the 4 stages of
forgiveness. At times I seem to teeter between the stages. I don’t think I have made it to the
last stage yet, but part of one of the stages was to be angry, so I thought I would make an after
the affair “I am angry list.” I know that a year ago my list would have been extensive, so
knowing that this isn’t coming as easy to me as I thought is a good sign. It shows that some of
my anger has dissipated and that I am making an effort to forgive.
Here is my “After the Affair: I am Angry” list:
I am angry at you because you never gave me a choice. You didn’t
ask me what I wanted to do to save our marriage. Instead you
took it in your own hands and had an affair.
I am angry because you believed that she was no better than me.
Had you forgotten for the last twenty five years I have been a
faithful, honest, caring, and devoted wife and a wonderful mother
to your children.
I am angry because every time you touch me I wonder if you
touched her the same way. Every time you tell me you love me
or say something sweet I wonder if you used the same words with her.
I am angry because I have lost the security knowing that you will be with me in good times and
bad. What if I get sick and am unable to meet your needs? Will you find someone else?
I am angry because I have a hard time enjoying all the good that has happened recently in our
marriage since it is overshadowed by all the painful memories.
I am angry because you seemed to magically forget all the good memories we had and only
seemed to focus on the bad. You made me doubt why we got married in the first place.
I am angry because I have difficulty trusting you. Before I trusted you completely. I believed
you were being honest up until the time I had solid proof (the phone logs). After that I learned
that your words sometime meant nothing to me.
I am angry at myself for being so naive, trusting and unconscious.
I am angry at myself because I see everything that you are doing after the affair to try to make
up for all the hurt and I appreciate it. But I am still angry
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Healing From Infidelity: I Am Proud of My
Husband
One of our readers who comments frequently on this blog really opened my eyes this week. I
have been focusing on my own pain and healing from infidelity, yet I have been blind to how
much Doug has grown in all this process. I felt that I owe him some recognition because he
does get beat up by the questions on our web site, and then I continue to pound him about his
answers after I get home. So I decided to write one of my now almost famous lists. So here is
my “I am proud” list:
I am proud of my husband because he had the strength to pull away from the addiction of an
affair and commit to saving his marriage and keeping our family intact.
I am proud of my husband because he had the decency to admit he made mistakes and the
courage to make the changes that were needed to save our marriage.
I am proud of my husband because he has spent so much time and research developing this
web site, and because of his hard work I have received the support of so many wonderful
people and have the opportunity to help others as well. Healing from infidelity has been much
easier as a result.
I am proud of my husband because he has grown these last six months. When I look at his
earlier posts compared to the recent ones I realize how much soul searching and self
exploration has occurred. It takes a special man to acknowledge that he is not perfect and has
made mistakes in his life.
I am proud of my husband because he is the only person who could help me heal from all this
pain and he stepped up to the challenge. He has always tried to be patient, caring and
compassionate.
I am proud of my husband because even though his mind was somewhere else, he never forgot
he was a father, and never relinquished his devotion to his children.
I am proud of my husband because he has tried so hard to make it up to me, knowing in his
heart that he truly will never be able to do that, but it doesn’t keep him from trying.
I hope from this post that my husband will know how much I love and care for him. Our
marriage has received a “wake up call.” Not the kind I asked for, but none the less one that has
made our marriage everything I have ever wanted.
Healing from infidelity has been difficult, and at times I have been very angry and disappointed
with Doug. But today I realized that there are so many qualities about him that I appreciate
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and admire, and even though our love lay dormant for a time, I feel that our love is stronger
than it has ever been. I suppose I have the affair and our dedication to each other to thank for
that.
“It is not the things we want and don’t get that are the source of our greatest tests and trials-it
is the things we do get that we did not want and never expected.” – Barbara DeAngelis, author
of “How Did I Get Here?”
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How to Learn from an Emotional Affair
We have a son who is in his first year of college, and we found out a couple of days ago that he
had recently taken an ethics seminar at school. We found this out because we had just
received the $200 bill for it and had questioned this added expense. When we confronted him
about it he confessed to a mistake that he made that caused him to have to take the seminar.
He ended up learning much about himself as a result, quite like Doug has learned so much
about himself as a result of his emotional affair.
Our son has a good friend in one of his classes that he has known for years. They had a
homework assignment that was due, and our son’s friend did not have it finished, and asked for
one of the answers to complete the assignment. Our son gave him the answer and really never
thought too much more about it.
It turns out that the friend used the answer alright—almost word for word. Though just a
homework assignment, the professor discovered this and summoned the two of them to his
office to discuss it. They both quickly admitted to the wrong doing and thought that was the
end of it. Several weeks later, they were ordered to take the
seminar on ethics.
When we questioned our son about it, we were quite
surprised that he said that the seminar was actually very good,
very difficult and very enlightening. He told us that he had
learned a lot about himself as a result of the seminar.
Now this might not sound like a big deal, but when it’s your 19
year-old son telling you this, it actually made us quite proud.
He has become quite wise for his age.
You may be asking yourself, “OK, nice story, but how does this
all relate to our normal discussions about emotional and other
types of affairs?”
When you’ve been through what we have, you tend to relate regular everyday occurrences to
our situation. This was no different. Not only did our son learn a lot about himself through his
mistakes (much like Doug), he decided to make some changes in how he did some things, and
how he carries himself in his everyday life. For example, he decided to stop sitting by many of
his friends that tended to exhibit bad habits at school, and didn’t take school quite so seriously.
In other words, he was putting up barriers between himself and those that were causing him to
do things he really shouldn’t have been doing.
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The seminar also made him explore his inner feelings about the differences between happiness
and pleasure. He determined that things that bring you pleasure are more materialistic or self
serving in nature, whereas happiness comes as a result of being true to yourself and others.
These two lessons can be applied to those who are involved in affairs. After an affair, you must
truly look at yourself, and as a couple, from within to discover why you had the affair, and then
make the appropriate changes to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. You must determine
whether the affair was worth the selfish pleasure it produced, compared to the happiness that
can exist with your current spouse or partner.
As a result of Doug’s emotional affair with Tanya and through the work I’ve done on this blog,
and all the conversations with Doug and the blog readers, I’ve (we’ve) come to realize why it
happened and what we need to do to continue to strengthen and build our love and marriage.
It has not been an easy thing to do, but certainly necessary and quite worth it.
Along with this self-exploration and change, there needs to be barriers and rules put into place
so as to minimize the temptation of an affair in the future. For the betrayer, these barriers may
seem unrealistic or even harsh, but are necessary for building trust and eliminating temptation.
It’s kind of funny the curve balls that life can throw at you, and if you would have told us that
we would learn a lesson from our son, we would have laughed at you. Unfortunately, it often
takes making a mistake on our part to learn important things about ourselves and how to
change so that we don’t make the same mistakes in the future. In our case it was an emotional
affair.
We will leave you today with this excellent quote from Barbara De Angelis:
“Each time you choose to change, to grow, to improve, or to learn, you are acting from that
inner core of passion. It is that passion for truth, for happiness, for freedom that compels you
to dig deep within yourself for wisdom, to ask the difficult questions, and to hear the often
painful but necessary answers.”
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Saving A Marriage:Sex After the Affair
We’ve not delved too deeply into the subject of having sex after an affair. However, one of the
best ways we found (in hindsight) to saving a marriage is connecting on an intimate level. In
other words—lots of great sex!
For some reason, even when Linda and I were in the darkest days of realization of my affair,
when we had sex it was extremely pleasurable and passionate. We were wondering why this
was just the other day—after a wonderful, though
somewhat brief, sexual encounter while the kids
were not home.
The first question to ask is should you have sex
while you or your spouse is in an affair with
someone else? Dr. Robert Huizenga says
“…usually there is a very high level of sexual
intensity between husband and wife. The affair
stirs up sexual intensity and sexual feelings. Often
both have a strong desire to engage in sex, and some people say that sex is better now than it’s
ever been.” Furthermore he states, “If you enjoy sex, it’s mutual and you’re having a great time,
then there’s nothing wrong with sexual activity.”
In our case we maintained a sexual relationship during my affair, and in fact it did become
better and more intense for both of us. It’s is even better as of this writing.
Linda’s View…
I asked Linda why that was the case for her, and she responded that she finally felt a higher
level of closeness with me during this time. When looking back, most of our intimate moments
were just after having a deep emotional conversation about our marital situation. To Linda, this
correlated to emotional closeness which as research indicates is a high priority need in women.
The sex then sort of sealed the emotional bond, reaffirmed her emotions, showed I truly cared
for her and thus made it very enjoyable for her.
To be clear, she didn’t think that she was using sex as a tool to win me back or anything like
that. In fact when this journey began, she really didn’t even know that I was having an
emotional affair. I had “assured” her that Tanya and I were just friends and business associates.
Linda trusted that I was being honest with her, and she wanted with all her heart to save our
marriage. She set out to have the kind of relationship we both had been longing for.
She also stated that through her self-exploration she determined that withholding sex (as she
was prone to do) was not a productive way to show her discontent with me and/or our
marriage, and actually was a way for her to be a little selfish herself. She realized also that
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somewhere along the line she stopped acting like a woman or a wife, and focused more on
being a mom. Obviously, that focus is not always conducive to hot sex in the middle of the
night.
In the process of trying to save our marriage, she read hundreds of books and learned a lot
about the importance of sex in a relationship. She learned the reasons why she withheld sex
and how important it is to a man. She realized that she wasn’t “withholding” sex to punish me,
but because she wasn’t feeling loved, cared for and appreciated she had a difficult time getting
in the mood. In order for women to desire sex, they have to know that their partner truly cares
about them. In contrast, men have sex to show and receive love. These ideas helped Linda to
understand that she wasn’t being “frigid” and that there was a reason for this.
Educating herself about intimacy and the closeness that we were experiencing at this time
allowed her to finally give herself to me in a way that I had missed for many years. If she would
have known at the time that I was involved with Tanya she wouldn’t have been able to do that.
To be honest because everything is so great between us she really tries not to think about it. If
she did she would truly have felt used and cheap and realized just how selfish I was being. But
she also knows that in many ways the intimacy that we experienced during this time helped
bring us closer and formed a bond that had not existed for some time.
Doug’s View…
While in the throes of the affair, sex for me with Linda was always physically enjoyable as
Linda’s new found sensuality was very exciting. However, I initially had a hard time connecting
emotionally because of feelings for Tanya getting in the way. I additionally still harbored some
resentment and hesitations because I found it unbelievable her sudden erotic behavior. “Why
this change all of a sudden?” Why is she now this little bundle of sexual energy and desire?”
I feel very badly that at the beginning (when Linda didn’t know I was having an affair), that I was
being very selfish and basically having my cake and eating it too. I was behaving terribly and I
deeply regret that.
As I got over the resentment and mistrust and regained my full loving feelings for Linda, the
emotional side of sex came back with a bang as well—and has steadily grown ever since. As a
result, not only are we enjoying the best sex of our lives physically, we are emotionally
connected better than ever as well.
During my affair we had many emotional discussions in the middle of the night about my
feelings, her feelings and why things happened in our marriage. We both made admissions of
being to blame and almost always our discussions ended with us forgiving one another and
holding on tight to each other. Most of the time that’s where it ended, but that was OK too,
because we still shared a real closeness.
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Sex is at the core of any intimate relationship, and though the effects of an affair can turn a
couple’s sex life off like a switch, it doesn’t necessarily have to. Obviously though, it may be
near impossible for some people to even think of having sex with their cheating spouse. In our
situation it was an integral part of our healing and recovery. As long as you don’t feel as though
your integrity is being violated it can be at the core when it comes to saving a marriage.
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Why Did I Stay to Save Our Marriage?
After yesterday’s discussion topic I started to think more about why I just didn’t give up and
leave after the affair. Initially I stayed because of fear. I didn’t know what I was going to do,
where I was to go and what would happen to our children. This situation was something that I
never thought about or prepared for and I was afraid to make a decision based on how I was
feeling at the time. I knew I wanted to save our marriage but was unsure of what to do.
After the fear somewhat subsided and I realized that I am a very strong woman, I discovered
that I would have been able to survive the affair with or without Doug. I stayed because I knew
that our marriage and love could be stronger and better than ever. I was sure of this because I
thought deeply about what really happened. I thought about what had become of the woman
that I used to be.
I learned that over the years I stopped loving and caring about
myself. Therefore, how could I possibly show love and admiration
to Doug? I had to explore what brought me to this terrible place
and why was I so unhappy. I learned very much about myself and
then set out to make the changes that would make me happy.
This would allow me to better explore the problems in our
relationship and allow us to have a better chance to save our
marriage.
I also thought long and hard about our relationship and the
contribution I made to its deterioration. I stopped putting all the
blame on Doug and took total responsibility for the ways I
contributed to its downfall. This realization allowed me to stop
the anger and resentment and see things from Doug’s perspective.
I realized that Doug was hurting just as much as I was. I stayed to save our marriage in hopes
that Doug would learn just as much as I had from this experience. I hoped that he would look
deep inside of himself and figure out why he too was unhappy with our relationship and with
his life. I prayed that he would look objectively at our relationship and take ownership for the
ways he contributed to the problems. I knew that this would be a monumental process, and
would take a huge amount of patience and support on my part.
For me the self-exploration was easy, as I didn’t have a choice because it was a matter of
survival. Doug on the other hand, had experienced all the illusions of an affair. He was coming
from a place where he felt understood, admired, and almost perfect. For him self-exploration
would appear unnecessary as he was content with who he was and the decisions he had made
in his life.
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I stayed because I hoped that eventually we would both come to the same place and have the
same goals for our lives, and that goal was to stay together, become friends and lovers again
and appreciate each other for who we really are. Finally I stayed because I am in love with
Doug. I have a connection with him that no one will ever compare to. He is a part of my heart,
my soul and my being and I stayed to save our marriage because I was unwilling to give that
part of me up.
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Emotional Affairs: Just a Game?
This is a warning, I am a betrayed spouse, and I have never taken the opportunity to engage in
an affair so I am strictly speaking from speculation and not from experience. I may offend some
of you who have been involved with someone outside your marriage, but I am just voicing my
opinion and therefore I may be totally off base. My question is this: Are emotional affairs (or
any type of affair) true love or just a game?
I wonder when someone becomes lured into an affair if there is some kind of hidden agenda or
something that they are hoping to gain personally that has mostly nothing to do with their
marriage or the affair partner.
Doug commented that he found in Tanya what was missing in his marriage. Did he really mean
he found in the affair what was missing in his life? Was Doug feeling bored and insecure
because of his marriage or because he was feeling the stress of his life and that life wasn’t that
much fun anymore?
Was he feeling insecure because his life was passing him by and he had not accomplished
everything that he had wanted or was it because I wasn’t giving him everything he needed?
What was he trying to fulfill by engaging in an affair? What game was he playing with himself
and everyone else?
What was Tanya’s reason? I cannot honestly speak for her,
but for myself, I would have been enticed into a marital affair
to prove a point. I would have wanted to prove to Doug and
myself that I am good enough for someone to treat me the
way I deserved to be treated. To prove that I was OK and that
I have been right all along, and that Doug was an unloving
and uncaring husband. Would I have been thinking logically?
Think about all the lies and manipulations that had to keep
this unhealthy relationship going. Doug claimed that he
never lied to Tanya. Honestly, I find that hard to believe. If
he really looked back at the relationship he would find that he was lying to her every day. It
may have not been straight out lies, but lies of omission, or stretched truths.
When she asked him about his weekend was he completely honest and divulge every detail?
When he talked to her on the phone did he tell her that we had great sex and then spooned
each other all night? When she complained about her husband, did he tell her what he really
thought–that she complained a little too much about her husband? I don’t think so.
What about Tanya, what was she receiving from the affair? Did knowing that even though Doug
had a pretty attractive wife at home, he had chosen her to help boost her self esteem? Did she
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make herself appear more easy going and exciting than she really was to keep Doug
interested? Was she always honest about her husband? Did she use jealousy to her
advantage? What was she really receiving from the emotional affair? What game was she
playing?
After I found out about the affair the game became more exciting and complicated. It was
exciting because now Doug had two women hanging all over him. Who could blame him? What
middle age man wouldn’t want that? Doug played the game perfectly; he was having his cake
and eating it too.
I believe he revealed enough about the affair and marriage to keep both Tanya and I needy–but
interested. However, when both Tanya and I became insecure and clingy he knew exactly what
to say to get us of his back. “I don’t enjoy being with you when you act like this.” or “I have a
hard time getting those loving feelings back when you behave like this.”
As Doug has pointed out numerous times he wasn’t being himself at the time. He was very
selfish and stupid, and I am sure my analysis of the situation confirms this.
I am sure that as Doug is reading this he is either very angry at me, or feeling really guilty. He
shouldn’t feel guilty about doing this to Tanya because I believe in some ways she was
manipulating him. She used his easy going personality and good nature to her advantage. She
knew that he was too nice to completely cool things off even though he told her he couldn’t do
this anymore. I wonder in some ways did she have her cake and eat it too?
Did she subtly mention Doug to her husband to make him jealous and therefore receive her
husband’s much needed attention? I am sure if Doug thinks about the relationship he can
remember times when she was playing a game with him as well.
So are emotional affairs a game or true love? Obviously, I will never know the answer for sure.
I just wanted to provide some insight from a person on the outside looking in. I wonder if this is
what a healthy relationship looks like. Do we play games? Are we not completely honest with
each other, act on selfishness and our own hidden agendas? I want to believe that this isn’t the
case. I would hope that a happy marriage would have honesty and unselfishness? What do you
think?
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Dealing With Infidelity: My Top 9 Mistakes
The hardest part of my dealing with infidelity is not the emotional affair itself but what
happened after I started found out. I had a difficult time understanding why Doug didn’t just
stop cold turkey and had such a hard time getting back those loving feelings for me. Now
knowing the dynamics of affairs, and reading what Doug had to say about the chemical benefits
received from infatuation, allowed me to look at his situation differently and I now realize that
Doug was addicted to the feelings he was receiving from his affair.
Unlike being addicted to drugs or alcohol where there is a 12-step program, along with
medicine available to counteract the withdrawal symptoms, there is no such program available
to help pull away from the temptations of an affair. As much it doesn’t seem fair, I believe Doug
could have benefited from the support and guidance of his remarkable wife. At the time
though, I was not remarkable or supportive. And as far as offering guidance was concerned, I
was functioning on pure emotion with not an ounce of logic.
Looking back, I now realize there are many things that I
should have done differently. Things that would have
possibly lured Doug away from the addiction, making my
recovery less painful. This advice really only pertains to
those of you whose partners may still be on the fence having
a hard time pulling away from their affair partner. If your
spouse has confessed, you are positive the affair has ended
and they are doing everything in their power to make things
right, then this advice may not be that helpful in your dealing
with infidelity.
Mistake 1: My first mistake actually occurred prior to the
affair. I was too naïve in thinking that this sort of thing would never happen to us. I’ve read a
ton of books over the years on a variety of subjects, but somewhere along the line I neglected
to read about how to have a good, happy marriage. And it’s not a subject they teach you in
school. Maybe I didn’t read up on the subject because I was afraid to find out the truth about
the shape our marriage was really in. Maybe I was in denial or I thought that love would
conquer all.
I wish that someone would have left a copy of Paul Blanchard’s book “Why Men Cheat” on my
desk years ago. This book would have opened my eyes to what was happening in our marriage
and therefore saved me a lot of pain and suffering. Unfortunately that didn’t happen and I
bought the book much later after Doug had his affair. Occasionally I still read it as a reminder of
what I should be doing to make my husband happy.
Mistake 2: Overreacting when I initially saw Doug’s cell phone usage. Looking back I should
have attempted to remain calm, assess the situation, and gather more evidence while working
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on a logical plan on how to proceed. Instead, I looked at his phone constantly. I was dragging
Doug out of bed and firing questions at him. I was acting on pure emotion and I really didn’t
hear or understand most of what he was saying. All I remember is statements like “We are just
friends” and “I care for you, you are the mother of my children but I am not in love with you
anymore.”
Mistake 3: Turning myself around on a dime. That is, acting like the perfect wife and doing
everything I thought Doug wanted me to do. This confirmed to Doug that everything was my
fault. If I believed that I needed to change that much then he was correct in feeling I was a bad
wife and that he had been the perfect husband. It also made him suspicious of my changes and
added to his existing resentment. Don’t get me wrong. I did need to make personal changes
and those changes have benefited me, as well as our marriage. But as far as our relationship is
concerned, we should have mutually explored our issues, taking equal responsibility for the
problems in our relationship and discussed ways that we could improve our marriage.
Mistake 4: Believing everything he said was coming straight from his heart. I read somewhere
that when a spouse is involved in a marital affair you should believe nothing you see or hear.
When we would have those late night discussions I believed that he had individually explored
his feelings and came to conclusions on his own. Doug is a very intelligent man, but thinking
about and expressing his feelings is not one of his best attributes. I wish I would have realized
that he was receiving help with all his ideas. Tanya had been there for the past nine months
affirming, discussing and manipulating his thoughts about his unsatisfying marriage. When I
heard some of the stupid things that came out of his mouth such as “In love feeling…” “I
deserve this…” “Kids child are resilient…,” I surely hoped that he truly didn’t believe what he
was saying.
Mistake 5: Being uneducated about what I was really up against and that an affair is not all
about love. I know now that an affair is based on infatuation which produces the same effects
as a powerful drug. Combine this with the comparisons that occur and the constant affirmation
from the affair partner, and it’s hard not to become addicted.
Realizing that comparisons are made between the spouse and affair partner helps the betrayed
spouse understand what is really happening during the affair. It is truly an unfair comparison.
They are comparing someone who is new and different to someone they have known for years.
They are comparing a relationship that is free from responsibility to one that had stress and
was based on real life events.
Additionally, during an affair the cheating spouse is receiving constant affirmation from their
affair partner. They are hearing how great they are and that they are not to blame for the state
of their marriage. They have someone who agrees with their thoughts and thinks they are
wonderful.
Mistake 6: Being personally drawn into the illusions of the affair. I shutter when I think about
everything I told Doug. I would tell him that she must be the perfect women for him and that
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he deserves to be with her. I told him over and over that he should leave me and be with her
and that I would take care of our family. I told him she was his soul mate and I was not a very
good wife. All I was doing was helping to entrench these thoughts in his mind, whether they
were real or not.
Mistake 7: Acting like a woman who was one step away from the funny farm. I acted clingy,
neurotic, jealous, insecure, and distrusting. Compared to Tanya, I must have appeared like a
nut bag, making me the last person Doug wanted to be around. In the matter of a few minutes,
I would turn from a loving wife, into an angry and violent person, then into someone who
would fall on the floor in the fetal position crying uncontrollably. He didn’t know which woman
would be showing up and it scared him and royally pissed him off. No wonder he continued to
run back to her. Her little bouts of jealousy and insecurity were nothing compared to the loony
bird he was married to.
To Tanya I was the perfect betrayed spouse. Every morning she would wake up and wonder
what would I do to screw up my relationship with Doug and make her look better. It wasn’t
really that hard. I was a scared, powerless wife who didn’t know any other way to save my
marriage. I was dealing with infidelity the only way I knew how.
Mistake 8: Trying to control him and tell him how he should be feeling. Throwing at him my
moral convictions, showing him books, bookmarking websites, and telling him he was wrong.
Doug hates to be controlled and this gave him and Tanya an opportunity to discuss their feeling
and their relationship. It opened up opportunities to discuss that their love was real and put the
focus on them rather than me and Doug.
Now that it is over and I know that everything will be OK, it is easier to say just let them go and
trust they will make the right decision. I do know that you cannot make someone do what they
are not ready to do.
Mistake 9: Not being myself. I tried so hard to be like her, or at least the woman that I thought
he wanted me to be. If only I had known that the woman he longed for was the person he fell in
love with 30 years ago. He missed the person I used to be before three children, a full time job,
a mortgage and laundry. The person who thought that Doug was the most important person in
my life, who laughed at his jokes and wanted to spend time with him. That person would have
been much easier to become. After all, I know how to be that person. I too had missed being
that person as much as Doug did.
Obviously every situation is different when dealing with infidelity, but if your cheating spouse
can’t make up their mind, is still seeing their affair partner or just seems to not want to come
back to you fully then you might want to look at your actions to be sure you’re not making
some of the same mistakes that I did.
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Healing From Infidelity: Don’t Keep It Inside
A recent comment from one of our readers brought back memories on how difficult it was
healing from infidelity and continuing to live day to day as if everything was fine while my
whole world was falling apart around me. I would get so angry knowing that if the
circumstances were different–for instance, if my husband was sick, or some other tragedy
happened to our family, we would have the support of the people around us. With an affair you
deal with the pain silently and quite often alone. No one is there for you, including your
spouse, who in the past had always been the one to take care of you.
I felt like a caged animal. I wanted to run away from the
pain, but I knew that I couldn’t because it was my job to
make sure everything remained normal with our family.
I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want our children
or family to find out, as I was afraid it would tarnish the
way they looked at Doug. I knew that he had made a
terrible mistake and this was not the man I knew and
loved, but I was afraid that they would never be able to
forgive him like I would.
The pain was so difficult that I began avoiding everyone.
I was afraid that they would see the pain in my eyes. Unfortunately I have a very sensitive,
intuitive daughter who knew I was dieing inside. She became my protector, following me
around every minute of the day, which made the anxiety even worse. I had a sense that she
knew something was going on, but was too concerned about my own issues at the time to
recognize it. I felt I couldn’t deal with another thing so I put it in the back of my mind until one
day she just lost it.
This was so unlike her, I thought something terrible had happened to her and I begged her to
tell me what was wrong. Finally she said “Is Daddy having an affair?” My heart stopped, never
in my life would I think I would have to answer a question like that. What could I say to my
thirteen year-old daughter to help her understand something that I didn’t understand myself?
I told her that mommy and daddy had been very busy and haven’t had a lot of time to talk or be
friends like couples should be, and he found someone at work that he enjoyed talking to. I told
her that we loved each other and are trying to do everything to make it better. That was it. I
didn’t know what else to say. At that moment I felt the true anger that I should have been
experiencing all along. Up to that point I had put my anger aside while trying to save our
marriage. I went to Doug and told him that I was not taking the blame for this and that this was
all his fault.
I know it killed Doug knowing that his little girl didn’t think he was such the perfect daddy
anymore, while I was so angry that he got himself in a situation like this. I believe this was
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Doug’s “wake up call.” I am not sure if Doug had completely called off the affair up until then.
My instinct tells me no. However, I believe that this was a turning point. Up until then he was
only hurting me, and in his mind that hurt was justified because I wasn’t meeting his needs.
Now I had to look in his daughter’s eyes and wonder what was the justification for her hurt?
This experience brought everything to light. I realized that it was not my job to protect Doug
any longer. He got himself in this mess and it was his job to get himself out. I also realized that
it was not my sole responsibility to save our marriage. He needed to make an effort if he
wanted to stay. At that point I said enough is enough and I made it clear to him that I wanted
to be with him, but I didn’t need him and if the emotional affair continued our marriage would
be over. I believe this episode was a turning point in our healing from infidelity and slowly
Doug began to come back to me.
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The Emotional Affair: Is it Worth it?
We have written so much about the intoxicating feelings received during an emotional affair,
and the pain and recovery of the betrayed spouse. However one area we have neglected to
touch on is the effort involved in maintaining an affair. We are talking about the time, the
sacrifices and the work that is required to keep the affair going. We know that in the beginning
of the affair the partners agree that the benefits outweigh the risk. But when the newness and
infatuation decline is all worth it?
As you have heard so many times when someone becomes involved in an emotional affair (or
any affair), they claim that they didn’t see it coming, that it just sort of happened. In some
ways that is easy to understand because the contact is spontaneous. It may begin with a
random text during the day, or a phone call on the way home from work just to catch up or an
occasional lunch.
Your time with that person is fun and lighthearted–a severe contrast to your time at home
which is full of responsibilities and conflict. There is no talk of commitment or expectations, but
just how great it is being with someone that finally understands and appreciates you for who
you really are.
As time progresses and those “loving feelings” increase,
there becomes a need for additional contact because you
want to keep experiencing that high. Unfortunately this
takes more time and effort. As busy as your life is now you
wonder how you can possibly fit this all in.
In the beginning you made sacrifices. You stole time
away from work to be with your partner, took longer
lunches, had phone conversations in the office parking
lot and maybe texting when you should be doing paper
work. There is constant effort to keep your secret safe
at the office by appearing professional and
uninterested, even though it is probably apparent to everyone that you are having an affair.
At home you begin to neglect your obligations by spending more time running “important”
errands, working longer hours (so you can catch up on work that you missed while conducting
your affair)or are too tired or busy to do things with your family.
Keeping the affair details straight can be tricky
In addition, there are a lot of logistical issues that need attending to while trying to maintain
the affair. Remembering to delete all calls and messages and keeping your phone with you at all
times. Taking a shower was complicated. Planning times when it was OK to call. What night is
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your wife at soccer? What time does your husband get home from work? Who did I tell my
wife I had lunch with? Trying to keep straight what lies and what information you told your
spouse and your affair partner for fear of repeating a story twice.
What is so astounding is this occurred before your spouse even had a clue that something was
going on. Once your spouse became suspicious you really needed to step up your game
because not only is your spouse on high alert, your affair partner is feeling threatened by the
recent discovery and is demanding more of your time and attention.
Your affair partner begins calling and texting at inopportune times which makes you very
uneasy. They become extremely jealous and begin to question how you are spending your time
away from them. There is more talk of a commitment and you worry that they may spill the
beans or do something really stupid like leave their marriage.
When you are at home your spouse is constantly asking to see your cell phone usage but you
have run out of excuses of why that isn’t possible. You begin to wonder if you are being
followed every time you leave the house. Your spouse is texting you the same time as your
affair partner and you think that you just sent your spouse the wrong text. You avoid eye
contact every time you speak to your spouse for fear they will know you are lying. You are
experiencing anxiety, stress, headaches and guilt. Your life is spinning out of control and you do
not know whether you are coming or going.
Is all the trouble of an affair worth it?
You begin to ask yourself is all of this worth it? Were the moments of infatuation, admiration,
newness, and excitement worth all this effort and stress? You thought being in a marriage was
hard work, but compared to this it was a walk in the park. You long for the normal,
uncomplicated life you were living before you started this roller coaster ride. You secretly wish
that you could have all these wonderful feelings with your spouse, without all the sneaking
around and the secrets and lies. You realize you have made a terrible mistake and want it all to
go back to the way it was. Unfortunately you know that will never happen. Evidently you will
be required to take responsibility for your mistakes which will require a lot of work and effort
on your part.
You know that your life and marriage after your emotional affair will never be the same again.
However, if you are lucky and have the love, understanding and forgiveness of an extraordinary
spouse, your life and marriage will not be the same–it will be better than you ever anticipated.
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Marital Affair: An ‘OW’ Speaks Out
Up until this point in the somewhat brief history of this blog, if you analyze the comments from
readers, we have had primarily two types of visitors: the Cheated on and the cheating spouse.
Well, we received an excellent comment that we wanted to share to everyone from a very
different perspective of an “OW.” Her writing shows another side of just how devastating a
marital affair can be to all parties involved.
Here’s the post from “Getting Sober”:
Feeling numb, often tired, almost listless, just want to lay down and sleep so I wouldn’t have to
feel or think. It comes in waves. I’m OK. I keep busy, very very busy and working very hard at
trying to enjoy a completely new life which I am in the process of carving out for myself and
most of times I succeed. But it will take time to be truly OK and have to work so hard at being
OK.
We had been together as soul mates and lovers, as buddies, as friends, broken up and starting
over many many times, sitting in silence, touching hands, laughing out loud without a care
about who sees or hears us, having someone there when you want to say “Look!” and not
having to explain. Oh yeah, I know that you know what I mean. We used to think we were the
only two people in the world to experience the Magic, but we do know better. I know that you,
dear reader, have been there too, otherwise you wouldn’t be here.
Well, after 7 years of magic and living our waking dreams and fantasies of finding the great love
of our lives, intense passion, pain of too much tenderness, a friendship that gave us complete
peace, sharing our love of music and the arts in museums and theaters, sitting on the blanket by
lakes’ edges and feeding the fish, simple acts deepening the feelings of kinship, miles of walking
while talking, sitting in spiritual places…….. after 7 years, we wrote our farewells. Because I
could no longer face the other side of midnight. When after being one body and soul, being full
of contentment and pure happiness, came the awkwardness of leaving our rented room in the
middle of the night to go home to someone else.
After a particularly close and deeply connected time together I wrote myself an email note. In
the Subject I wrote: “I………..” and in the Body of the email I wrote “…….can’t do this anymore”. I
felt exhausted and defeated, as I pictured him cheerfully greeting his wife, maybe laying down
next to her… I felt empty and knew what I would do and that this wasn’t one of those break up
times when we would make up in a week or even a month.
There is no sense in a love, however great, which is based in lies and deceit at every step. And if
a love is truly great then two people will find a way to spend the rest of their lives together in a
way that shows backbone. So what was it? A great love, or a great illusion? Perhaps it was both.
Nothing in life stays the same. Just because something isn’t true now, doesn’t mean that it
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wasn’t true then. Do I regret it? Oh, no. I’ve known something I would not have known had I not
had this affair of love and friendship.
But it is truly time to go now because ……. I………. can’t do this anymore………… I’m ok, not to
worry. Just sharing it here with you because I no longer have someone to share what’s inside
and it helps to write it out. I feel accomplished and there is a wall in front of me with “point of
no return” written on it. You can do it too. Listen to your soul’s muted voice as it cries out to
you……… I……. can’t do this anymore…… and then be good to yourself. Peace to all.
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Dealing With Infidelity: Another Learning
Experience
Last weekend I was able to see firsthand how an affair can begin so easily and be so addicting
and alluring. Our daughters had a lot going on–a soccer tournament, out-of-town dance
competition, and their birthday party. To say the least I was a little stressed. But the “new me”
was going to handle all of this calmly and nonchalantly. This weekend dealing with infidelity
offered another learning experience.
Saturday morning we had an early soccer game. After the game the girls wanted to stay at the
field and watch another game before their second game of the day. Doug volunteered to stay,
while I went home to get ready for the birthday party that would occur immediately after the
second game. When I got home I realized that the new nonchalant me had not prepared ahead
of time like I usually did in the past and I was facing several hours worth of work to cram into
just an hour.
The anger and resentment began to surface. I was
angry at myself for not telling Doug he needed to
come home to help me, and angry at Doug for not
thinking about me and realizing that I can’t do it
all alone. All the past situations where I had been
responsible for the bulk of the house work
resurfaced in my mind. I didn’t want to go there
again. I have been there, dealt with it and have
tried to move on. This was one of the main
reasons why we are where we are in the first
place. I have learned to stop trying to do it all and
to stop being a martyr. No one expects me to do
everything, so I stopped putting all the burden on
my shoulders.
Instead of letting it boil, I called Doug and told
him how I felt. I got it off my chest. I actually used
some of the effective communication techniques
that we talk about. I have learned though that
instead of attacking him, I used “I” statements. “I”
am feeling overwhelmed right now. “I” wished
you would have come home and helped. “I” know
you wanted to appease the girls, but “I” just needed your help. I felt much better and hopefully
Doug didn’t think I was returning to my old bitchy self.
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After the second game, all the team and their parents came over to our house for the party.
One of the mom’s (who’s husband has no interest in soccer) showed a lot of concern for Doug’s
sunburn and how tired he must be after coaching all day. I thought to myself, yes I am sure he is
tired, however I have been running around like a chicken with her head cut off, and had a
difficult time being as sympathetic as she was. For some reason I really felt bad about that.
Right there it struck me how it must be during an affair. You don’t have all this baggage of
resentment you carry around with you every day. You don’t have the past hurt and
disappointment. It is so easy to be genuinely concerned and admiring.
It is all so unfair because I truly love and care for Doug. I know he was just as tired as I was. I
guess I just was upset because I needed for him to acknowledge that we both work hard, and
we both deserve concern and admiration from each other. It is nice to receive compliments
from other people, however it means so much more when it comes from your spouse, because
we truly understand how hard it is living with each other day to day.
It is easy to look at someone with admiration and see their accomplishments. However, when
you have been together for so long, you begin to take for granted all the extra things your
spouse may do. Those extra things become routine and you stop appreciating them like you
should. It is difficult to acknowledge them like you are seeing them for the first time.
I also learned another important lesson this weekend. I learned how easy it is for someone else
to make your spouse feel good about themselves. It just takes a compliment, a show of concern
over a very short period of time to sway your spouse into someone else’s arms. We all crave
admiration and respect and because of our busy, stressed lives we often fail to give it to the
people who need it the most–our family.
We take all they do for granted. Often failing to look at it with fresh eyes. While dealing with
infidelity during these last several months, I have learned that I need to be less selfish. That is,
concentrate only about what I am doing, and acknowledging more on how much everyone else
in my family is contributing to making our lives so wonderful and special. Oh, and by the way,
Doug did call me a “super mom” later that night for all that I did during the day. He even
acknowledged (without me asking) that he should have come home to help instead of staying
at the soccer field. Perhaps he’s catching on!
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Affair Recovery: Friends Can Help
One of our readers left a comment recently where he mentioned that during his affair recovery
he has made an effort to reconnect with “real” male friends that are also friends of his
marriage. Please note he was referring to friends of the same sex. I thought that this was a
really good idea. One that I wish I would have followed through on early on in Doug’s
emotional affair.
The comment brought me back to when I first became suspicious of Doug’s relationship with
Tanya. At the time he told me they were just friends and that she was “helping” him with our
marriage. Obviously I was very naïve and trusting. So much in fact that I contemplated calling
and thanking her for helping us. I imagine they
would have had a nice laugh about that!
As time passed it came to light that she was
actually destroying our marriage and Doug’s
commitment to me while our relationship was
slipping away. In many ways he had forgotten
all my good qualities and any happy times we
had spent together.
Everything I was trying to tell or convince him
was falling on deaf ears. He had devalued me as a wife and perceived me as trying to control
him. Instead of trying to bring him closer to me I was pushing him farther away.
It was so difficult for me knowing that she was the only person he was sharing his problems
with and that her “advice” was in complete contrast to what I was telling him. He trusted her
and believed that she had his best interest at heart. However, she knew only one side of the
story–and one side of Doug–to offer such important advice.
He was still denying his relationship with her, so basically I was still in the dark as to what was
going on in his head. I begged Doug to call a couple of old friends that had good marriages and
respected me as a person. I needed someone to push him out of this affair fog. It almost
appeared as he was brainwashed and had totally forgotten everything that I had meant to him.
I wanted him to talk to someone who could help him with his confusion and let him see the
implications of his actions. His thoughts had become so selfish and one sided. I wanted
someone who knew us, our marriage and our children to jerk him back to reality–the good
reality. The reality he had been working for all his life. I didn’t want someone to tell him that he
was crazy. I just wanted someone to help him realistically look at his marriage and at his affair
and try to make a decision based on his true feelings—not based on an illusion.
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I wish now that I would have called them, told them what was happening and maybe they could
have helped him pull away from the affair. I truly believe this to be a great approach that you
might want to try if you’re spouse or partner is having an affair. Approach a trusted friend who
has your best interests in mind and let them knock some sense into your cheating spouse. I bet
it will help with your affair recovery.
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Healing From Infidelity: How to Get Over the
Hurt
Recently Linda and I had a morning that didn’t start off too well. She was talking to me about
an issue that was mentioned in the comments that upset her with respect to my emotional
affair with Tanya. It was early in the morning, and I made the mistake of not thinking before I
answered her, and made a comment that really upset her. She ended up crying and then
leaving for work in a huff.
Later that morning we spoke about the incident, and the gist of it was that even though we are
doing better than we ever have in our married life, and that I’m doing pretty much all the right
things to rebuild the trust (though sometimes I screw up) and to make amends for my affair
with Tanya, there are still triggers that bring back thoughts and memories that cause Linda a
tremendous amount of pain. I thought this might be a subject you all could relate to, so I
wanted to address healing from infidelity and how to get over the hurt.
How one gets over the hurt depends on the individual and the dynamics of the affair. One of
the problems you may face is that you still don’t understand why it happened, why your spouse
did this. If you however, are forgiving and you understand why it happened, you will probably
move past the hurt sooner rather than later.
There is no easy way to get over something like
this. You may never get over it, but you can learn to
manage the pain and the huge sense of loss of that
special part of your relationship.
Naturally, since we are going through this
ourselves, I must call upon others who have
more experience and knowledge in this arena.
So I went to our old friend, Dr. Huizenga,
author of the book, “Break Free From the
Affair.”
Dr.Huizenga says “The first way to help minimize the pain is to not try to get rid of it, but to
acknowledge it. Acknowledge your pain. Know that it’s there. Know that it’s going to be
there.” After all, part of your world just crashed down around you. You’re going to have pain
and you’re going to feel like something has been stolen from you. And that’s OK. It’s normal.
He goes on to say, “The second way to look at the pain is to know that your pain is telling you
that you want something. Your pain is distress, which is saying to you, ‘Something is extremely,
extremely important to me that I don’t have, and I want it.’ So pain, in some ways, is an
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indicator of lack. Just pay attention to that, and ask yourself, ‘What is my pain telling me in
terms of that which I want most desperately, most dearly?’”
Other ways to manage the pain…
One way to help get rid of the hurt is to learn all that you can about infidelity and surround
yourself with support. Many of you come to this blog for those very reasons. If you have not
been involved with the folks that comment on this blog yet, you are missing a wealth of
information and support from people that are going through the same thing as you.
(BTW…soon we hope to be adding a forum–once I get the technical stuff figured out).
Dr. Huizenga also had an idea that I thought was a good one: “Get a timer. A kitchen timer will
do, any simple timer, and set it for two minutes. And when you feel the pain most intently, get
out a piece of paper and pencil and write down everything you’re thinking and everything
you’re feeling. When the two minutes is up, put it aside. Say to yourself, OK, I’ve paid attention
to my pain. Now, I have to go and do something else.”
Another idea is to wholeheartedly throw yourself into something. If it is your job, you can
advance your career while dealing with your issues. If it is a new hobby, you can learn a new
skill or language while working through your pain.
If music is a hobby you enjoy, try putting on some soothing tunes to relax you and to slow the
racing thoughts in your mind. Watching a mind-numbing but funny television show can also
give your mind a chance to rest.
Pranayama, a breathing exercise, and yoga can also help you relax and clear your mind as you
gain a stronger body. Meditation can also assist you in clearing your mind and living a happier
life while strengthening and clearing your mind.
Of course, if all the other tactics fail, or if you are suffering from severe depression or thoughts
of suicide, then you should seek professional help. A professional can help you deal with your
inner pain and help you manage it better.
Some good advice…
Recently, a person who is healing from infidelity wrote to us and has a pretty decent
perspective on getting over the hurt: “People will tell you to get counseling, do things you enjoy
etc. I have done all of those and am on meds, but I still do not enjoy life and the things I once
loved to do the way I used to. However, I think by still doing things I enjoy, I have managed to
keep my sanity. The best advice I can give, as I have the same questions you do is that you
should sort out the whole situation and put it in perspective. Try to understand why it
happened. Then you can try to pick up the pieces and begin the mending process 1 day at a
time. Know that your needs must come first now! Demand nothing less than the best, which is
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where my husband failed. Just understand that you will never ever be the same again, but this
does not have to be a bad thing. Try to be positive and take life on one moment at a time.”
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Dealing With Infidelity: Why Did it Happen?
At some point all of us who are dealing with infidelity have asked the question, “Why did it
happen?” Obviously every situation is different and there is no simple answer. Some people
are unfaithful for very deep-seated emotional reasons, while others are unfaithful because of
their beliefs about the opposite sex. Still others are unfaithful because infidelity is rooted in the
marriage itself.
Whether you are the victim the cheating spouse, it is important in the healing process to try to
understand why the infidelity has happened. Once you have an idea of why it happened, you
can then consider what you need to do about it.
We all know that not all marital affairs are the
same, and therefore happen for different reasons.
In fact, men and women often are seeking
different things when they get involved in an
extramarital affair. Research by Shirley Glass and
Thomas Wright indicates that there are important
differences that determine why men and women
cheat. They found that women are more likely to
link sex with love, while men’s affairs tend to be
primarily sexual.
Of course, this is not true of all men or all women. Some men look at an affair as a return to
excitement and romance, while some women feel that unattached sex adds spice to their lives.
Don-David Lusterman, Ph.D., author of “Infidelity-A Survival Guide,” states that “In many
instances, the beliefs that people hold about why people stray make it difficult for a couple to
communicate when an infidelity is discovered.” For instance, a woman may find it hard to
believe that her husband was simply sexually curious and that his affair had nothing to do with
love, because in her mind she cannot imagine that sex can occur without love. On the other
hand, a man may find it hard to believe that his wife had an emotional affair without any type
of sexual contact. He believes a man only gets close to a woman for one reason—sex.
In an attempt to understand why affairs occur, we reveal some of the top reasons Dr.
Lusterman has found for why people have affairs. When dealing with infidelity, it may be
helpful to note which reason(s) fits best with your situation and examine it (them) with your
partner.
•
Not understanding what relational love is
•
Inability to communicate feelings or needs
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•
Not having the verbal skills to solve problems together
•
Not being able to accommodate to one another’s needs or interests
•
Not really knowing the person you married (for example—unaware of some sexual
problem)
•
Not being able to cope with cultural or ethnic differences
•
Unrealistic expectations about the nature of marriage
•
Disappointment that your mate has not grown in the same ways you have
•
Sexual curiosity
•
Emotional need (feeling lonely in a relationship and looking elsewhere)
•
Sexual addiction
•
Boredom
•
Losing the sense of fun and excitement you once had as a couple
•
Getting so caught up in life’s daily obligations that you lose sight of one another.
When dealing with infidelity, you will see that knowing and understanding why the affair
occurred can help you determine what the chances are that the relationship will survive, how
the cheated on spouse should handle it, how the cheating spouse can resolve his feelings about
staying in the marriage, and what kind treatment (if any) might be the most helpful.
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After the Affair: 8-Steps to Rebuild Trust
On April 28th our discussion was concerning trust and whether or not you felt that you could
trust your spouse again after the affair. The overwhelming majority of you felt that you could
NOT trust your spouse again—at least not to the level that you once did prior to the affair.
There were a couple folks that stated that they would trust completely again, and that was
because they felt that they HAD to in order to move forward in their relationship. This trust
comes with a caveat though, and that is the one who had betrayed them must be remorseful
and their actions had to back that remorse up.
After reading the comments and responses, we decided to try and do a little more research on
how to best rebuild trust after the affair. There is not a huge volume of information out there
from the standpoint of the betrayed. Most that we found dealt with rebuilding trust from the
standpoint of the one who cheated.
One source we did find though does have some good information of how to rebuild trust after
the affair. Susie and Otto Collins are the authors of “Relationship Trust Turnaround,” and in
their book they have put together an 8-step plan for rebuilding trust in your relationship.
Step 1: Step back and determine your situation as it is right now. Discover what is present in
your life and what is inside you that is causing you not to trust. Without knowing what you are
thinking and feeling at this moment, you cannot possibly take a step toward trust.
Step 2: Understand your relationship rules, values and what trust means to you. “When it
comes to your relationship, the amount of trust you give another person is largely based on
what you value and your rules for living that are rooted in those values.
Step 3: Learn to Trust Yourself. You do not trust your partner, but you may not trust yourself
either when it comes to the situation you are in. “You may be thinking that it isn’t okay to want
what you want. You may be searching outside yourself for answers. You may be worried about
what your partner might say or do if you express what’s true for you.”
Step 4: Learn from what happened. It may be tempting to rehash the affair and continue to
blame your partner and want him or her to pay for what they did. Ask yourself if what you are
doing is going to really help you get what you want out of your relationship. You need to focus
on creating what you want and keep your mind off what you don’t want.
Step 5: Decide what you want, what your partner wants, and determine what’s next. Look at
what you both want and evaluate whether you are willing to commit to trusting again. Then
create boundaries and rules and stick to them.
Step 6: Make the commitment to rebuild trust and adopt the beliefs and attitudes that allow
you to make the necessary shifts. If you have decided that there is enough love and desire left
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after the affair to create what you want in your relationship, then make a commitment to
rebuild trust. This may require you to adopt some new beliefs and attitudes, along with making
different choices and taking different actions.
Step 7: Determine the specific skills and strategies you need to learn and start practicing
them. For instance, you may need to work on your self-esteem or learning how to make
changes that you want within yourself. Or perhaps learning to focus on what you want instead
of what you don’t want. There are many more possibilities and doing this takes some work.
Step 8: Rediscover fun, connection, love and positive expectations. You may not feel at this
moment that you can ever get to this part of the process, but it is necessary. This is where we
have excelled when rebuilding the trust and love within our own relationship. It does work.
Make your relationship a priority.
Obviously this is a summary of what you need to do to help you to rebuild trust after the affair.
For more in depth ideas, explanations and strategies, get the book. We hope that this helps,
and that you can at least try to move towards creating a relationship that is what you want and
deserve. It does take some time and effort, but the outcome can be better than you expected.
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After the Emotional Affair: Questioning Every
Decision
I hope everyone had a great Mother’s Day. Mine was wonderful as usual (except during the
affair year that is). My family always went the extra mile to show how much they appreciate
me. Their tradition always included breakfast in bed, flowers, cards, gifts, a day of family fun
and they always made me feel like I was the best mom in the world.
I guess that being a good mother has always been my goal in life. After all, I have been
preparing for it since I was a little girl. As a teacher I have witnessed the effects of bad
parenting and knew what I shouldn’t do. I had wonderful role models growing up with my
mother and grandmother. I also wanted to make Doug proud of me and feel fortunate that I
was the mother of his children.
I felt that I was doing everything right. That is until Doug
had an affair. After his emotional affair I began questioning
every decision I made as a mother and a wife. Prior to his
affair, I had wonderful memories of my kid’s childhood, but
now it is filled with regrets and “should have dones.”
I questioned if I had spent too much time with them.
Should I have started all these silly holiday traditions or
had annual birthday parties for our kids? Did all these
things take time away from our marriage? Was my
attempt to be a good mother the reason why my
marriage fell apart and my husband found someone else?
When I found out about his emotional affair I would often question Doug about what was so
appealing about Tanya. I remember one day he said that they see and think about things the
same way. They even have the same parenting styles, unlike her husband and me. We were
always too conservative and overprotective, while they were more laid back and easy going.
Low man on the totem pole
Doug also said that since our son had been born (19 years ago), he felt like the low man on the
totem pole, since I always put the children first. I don’t disagree with that. I know I did. We had
three children in four years, we both worked, money was tight and we had a lot of
responsibilities. We both put the children first. We both were the low men on the totem pole.
I just thought that was the way it was supposed to be when you became a parent. I believed
that the children did come first. I believed a lot of things until Doug’s emotional affair made me
question everything, including my parenting skills.
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Until Doug’s affair, I felt so proud that Doug and I had raised such wonderful children. I
believed that we really had the same philosophy on parenting and that we both had the same
dedication and need to be with them. I saw firsthand that our love and sacrifice was truly
worth it. We have the most remarkable, compassionate, self-disciplined children. Rarely did we
ever have to raise our voices, punish them, and they loved being with us.
Was trying to be the “best mom in the world” really worth it? Was the affair the price I paid?
I know that in my heart I don’t regret the relationship I have with my children, or everything I’ve
done to be a good mother. I just hate that the affair has tarnished everything in my life. An
emotional affair has the ability to make every moment in a married life appear problematic or
unfulfilling for both parties involved. I admit that I would have done some things differently. I
would have spent more time alone with Doug and focused on myself more, but unfortunately I
can’t go back. I need to look at the present and the future, and try to find a perfect balance
between being a wife, mother and woman.
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Surviving Infidelity: The Top 26 Things You
Both Must Do
The following list of 26 things to do for surviving infidelity was emailed to us recently and we
thought it was worth sharing with you. Let us know if you have any additions you think might
be necessary.
In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must
do:
1. He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be
with.
4. He must prove his love to you…he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and
understanding.
5. He must feel your pain.
6. He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. He must stop all contact with affair partner and not try to protect them.
9. He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions—within reason.
10. He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are
necessary to heal.
11. He must recognize when you’re struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
13. He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
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16. He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. He must be willing to seek counseling.
18. He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex…he
must establish boundaries and not cross them.
Here is a list of things that you must do:
1. Give him the necessary time to prove his love and commitment to you.
2. Be open with your feelings.
3. Ask the questions that are important to you.
4. Don’t be afraid that you will drive him away while you are trying to heal.
5. Stop blaming yourself for his actions. You are in no way responsible…even if you are Attila
the Hun!
6. You must be able to let him connect with you. (this one takes time)
7. You must continue checking up on him in order to let him rebuild trust.
8. You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of
recovery such as anger or depression.
Naturally, every case is different and everybody has different needs, so there may be additional
requirements in many instances, or others may get by with less. Additionally, the time frame
for surviving infidelity is different for each of us. Some may take a few months, others a few
years, and yet some may never get over it. The point is that in order for a marriage to have a
chance at surviving infidelity, both spouses must leave their inhibitions and hang-ups at the
door and work hard to make it happen.
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An Amazing Story of a Husband’s Emotional
Affair
We received this email the other day from “Debbie” telling an amazing story of her husband’s
emotional affair. You’ve got to read this as it tells a familiar tale for many of us, but in a very
colorful way. Enjoy:
“(This is the first and only thing I have ever written about my Emotional Affair experience. You
are the only people I’ve ever let read it. I’m not sure I’m ready to post comments on your blog
yet, but I want to share my experience with someone who would understand what this is like.)
Rick and I have been together for over thirteen years, and the dysfunctional attachment we had
shared for so long was starting to seem like a thing of the past. That is, until the other night.
After a few days of marital tension, we had ourselves a bloody emotional free-for-all. It was
truly a blast from the past.
I would like to blame it on the full moon, but that would be disingenuous.
I would like to blame it on the alcohol (which certainly didn’t help), but that, too, would be
taking liberties with the truth.
Eventually, the topic of the escalated verbal warfare settled on Rick’s emotional obsession with
some girl he met while riding the bus to work. He ended their relationship about a year ago, but
his attachment ran disturbingly deep, and he still misses her – enough to bookmark her
MySpace page. Their love affair apparently began when this woman, who wasn’t ugly, and,
most importantly, wasn’t fat, enjoyed sharing the intimate details of her tragic life with my
husband Buck. Poor widdle ol’ Bus Girl. She needed a savior. She started occupying more and
more of his mental real estate, rent-free, and became, in my opinion, a full-fledged process
addiction.
Yes, Cupid had apparently shown up at the bus stop and fired one straight into Rick’s heart. The
chemicals in Rick’s brain announced that he had fallen madly in love, just like it happens in the
movies. Soon, Bus Girl became the answer to all of life’s problems. She wakes up each morning
looking like a Victoria’s Secret model. She shits French vanilla ice cream. She never farts, but if
she did, it would smell like lilies of the valley and freshly baked cookies. (This is the process of
crystallization.) And on and on he would speak of her, to anyone who would listen, to all of his
friends, so they could be impressed with what a womanizer he was now, and especially to me.
How wonderful to have this twofold process of creating a private endorphin shower with your
selfish and irrational desire to conquer someone you’ve conveniently arranged to see every day
(whose most noteworthy asset is not being fat), and also have this amazing prop to launch the
ultimate disrespect on a wife you resent (but not enough to leave).
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The beginning of an addiction is, without exception, always the good part. Such utter and
perfect relief from the twin demons of boredom and anxiety (the reality twins). Such a beautiful
escape from his inner emptiness, from his mundane life. And don’t forget the whole pointing
out to his wife on a daily basis how she just doesn’t measure up to his new standards anymore.
Sometimes he’s just hard-pressed to come up with enough ego fodder for his new BFF, so he’s
forced to steal it away from Wifey (like a crack whore stealing electronics to pay for the next
fix.) That sense of one-upmanship is just whipped cream and a cherry on top of his ego boosting
sundae! As much as he professed his admiration for her, he ALWAYS kept one eye on me.
Rick believed (probably still believes) that this wonderful feeling was completely mutual. But
like all star-crossed lovers, there was a major obstacle separating these soul mates from their
happy ending. Bus Girl had such a fine, upstanding moral character, that she could not
knowingly sleep with a married man – especially one who had children. Okay, but one also
might wonder why someone with such amazing integrity was doing playing in someone else’s
yard in the first place – and not bothering to mention it to her live-in boyfriend. (Who was
evidently a complete asshole who treated her badly, but not badly enough for her to leave.
Hmm – have we noticed a pattern here amongst the cheating parties?)
Rick’s ego refused to consider that she might be somewhat ambivalent about her interest in a
him as a lover, but incapable or unwilling to communicate this directly, lest his preoccupation
with her wane. My opinion is that she was QUITE CERTAIN that she was NOT really interested,
but she relished Rick’s attention and wanted it to continue flowing indefinitely (Hey, why buy the
cow when you can get the milk for free!) Insecure women sometimes have an obsessive need to
confirm their attractiveness by keeping a little fan club of male admirers. So she REALLY hit the
jackpot when Rick came along. She could bat him around between hope and doubt, thus
ensuring his dog-like devotion, without ever having to spread her legs and it was all because oh
poor helpless widdle me, I’d just feel SO guilty about being a home wrecker! (I never said she
wasn’t clever.)
So Rick’s addiction blossomed like an award-winning orchid, requiring a similar level of care,
feeding and maintenance. All thoughts turned to Bus Girl. Every little thing she did was magic.
Tolerance to the drug began to build up over time, so he required more and more of it to get the
same high. I suppose this is when seeing her on the bus and e-mailing her throughout the day
begging for lunch dates just didn’t cut it anymore, and he had to do it (discreetly) from home,
weekends and holidays, and whenever real life left him feeling less than wonderful about
himself.
Higher and more frequent doses were required, not to achieve the original euphoric high, but
rather to stave off the unpleasant pangs of withdrawal. The intensity of his distress when he
didn’t get to see her regularly and be graced with her ego-stroking magic became quite
apparent and alarming. Having a COMPLETELY different life, this bitch validates ANYTHING and
EVERYTHING.
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Rick sits on his ass during a week long vacation and tells the bus girl how lazy he’s being. “Oh,
that’s what vacations are for,” she replies approvingly. Well, SURE, Bus Girl – when you don’t
have kids to raise, or a house that’s falling apart around you, or piles of compulsive hoarding
that you keep finding ways to put off dealing with. No wonder he loves her so much. She
doesn’t know anything about what he’s really like! And he can totally keep it that way!
He can offer to upgrade her computer and pick dog shit up out of her (boyfriend’s) yard and get
praised for it without ever actually having to do any of it!! All the while being able to give the
finger to me, that evil shrew who wants him to grow up and help me around the house.
Evidently I should do all the work myself but still praise him for being helpful, so he isn’t forced
to seek solace in Bus Girl’s phony admiration. (I still really have trouble getting how praise
without merit can be meaningful to anyone.)
Rick has not fallen in love with a real person, but rather an illusion of his own creation.
She’s like a blank screen upon which to project all of his cherished hopes and wildest dreams.
She would consistently mirror back the reflection of himself he likes to see, the one that has
nothing to do with who he really is.
Now perhaps you’re saying, “Debbie, don’t be such a hater! This is like some poor slob having a
wicked crush on Pamela Anderson. He just likes to look at her pictures and her big fake boobs
and imagine himself doing her. Totally harmless. You should really just get over it.”
Nope, sorry, not even close. Your poor slob’s NEVER gonna get anywhere near Pamela
Anderson’s junk. Rick’s fantasy would be far less satisfying unless it seemed realistic and
somewhat possible. Maybe someday Bus Girl would toss him a bone, a big juicy reward for
providing her with such an inflated sense of self-worth for such an extensive length of time.
Maybe there would be some make-out time at the bus stop or the parking ramp (maybe there
was, and he just wants to “spare my feelings” by not telling me about it) And that’s what kept
their beautiful, tragic Love Boat afloat.
To me, their relationship closely resembled that of dealer and junkie. Rick actually sat in a
marriage counselor’s office with me and lied straight-faced to everyone. Made me look crazy –
as if his gas-lighting didn’t make me look and feel crazy enough. He said he had discontinued
his relationship with her – but nothing could be further from the truth. And for another 5
months I let him bitch-slap me around while every single day he put on his “knight-in-shiningarmor” costume and came to her emotional rescue, often at my expense. He said things like, “I
can’t believe you’re still so attached to it” or “I’ve blown her off for such a long time, it would be
awkward to see her.” Lies, lies, lies, lies.
Then my grandmother died. Rick was an absolute douche bag. Grandma’s funeral must have
cut into precious Bus Girl time and I wasn’t giving him my 100% undivided attention. A few days
later, I went to the bus stop and watched them get off the bus and walk to her car. Rick was all
animated and totally into her. She looked bored but after she got into her car, flashed him a
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sexy smile and it became apparent what a fraud and a liar he had become. I hurt so bad. Then I
got moving.
Since I wasn’t Rick’s everything, how about I be nothing? (Thanks, Beyonce. I love that line.) I
canceled our joint credit card. I called an attorney. I was sick of this shit and prepared to walk
away with what little shreds of dignity I still possessed. I was ready to let the kids blame me for
the divorce (but they knew whose fault it really was). Only then did Rick consider that maybe
this addiction should be dealt with. We decide to work through it.
A couple months later I see his “Sent Items” folder of his gmail account, chock full of messages
with her name on them. I got drunk and read as many as I could stomach. It was amazing how
my bad days, our many fights, and general feelings of uneasiness could be directly traced to his
interactions with this pathetic attention-seeking skank he was obsessed with.
He had sworn there was no e-mail. It amazed me that he could take such an interest in
someone so common and self-centered. That was before I understood that they never really
knew each other – they just shared their good sides. Then they came home and dumped all
their crap on their partners. They shared a lack of maturity, a lack of decency, and a huge
internal void they attempted to fill with their fantasies of each other. For a long time, I wanted
Rick to realize for himself that he didn’t really love her. That seems less important now.
So I got to have 2 “D-Days” – Rick certainly got a lot of mileage out of his Emotional Affair. And
most days, I rarely think about it, but for some reason this week, it keeps buzzing around my
mind like a nasty horsefly. And whenever Rick is a douche bag, I always feel like telling him to
go whine to Bus Girl about it.
Thanks for listening. I just love your blog. Keep up the great work.
“Debbie”
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Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem After the Affair
Experiencing the trauma of an affair can be bad enough to endure, but one of the most
devastating aspects of an affair is the effect it can have on your self-esteem. It can make you
feel that you are a terrible, worthless person. After all, why else would your spouse have an
affair and risk your relationship? Rebuilding your self-esteem after the affair can be a daunting
challenge.
Linda still struggles with this often. She frequently has bouts of low self-esteem where she
questions everything from her looks to whether she is a good conversationalist. These
concerns have absolutely no basis in fact, but since the affair, her self-esteem took a big hit. I
feel extremely bad about that as there was really never any issue with her personally–physically
or otherwise, and did not contribute to me having an affair at all.
Experts suggest that the first thing you need to do is
realize that you are not a terrible, worthless person.
You’re not perfect, but then nobody is. The affair was
not your fault. You also should realize that your
cheating spouse had an affair because of a flaw in his
or her character. This flaw caused the affair—not you!
You may be partially responsible for problem issues
that existed in your marriage before the affair, and you
will be jointly responsible for the future of your
marriage, but the affair was the cheater’s fault.
Remember that the cheater is actually having an affair with a fantasy, and that is what the
injured person is competing with. The cheater places the affair partner on a pedestal and the
poor victim often buys into the thought that he or she is less than worthy. The victim feels as
though he or she must be a terrible person for the spouse to cheat.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg says that “What you need to do is keep in mind that the cheater is
demonizing you. Your partner is living in a fantasy world and may very well be rewriting history
to match that fantasy.” Even more curious is that often, the cheater never actually verbalizes
this to the victim. Rather, the victim assumes it to be true.
Gunzburg suggests that you don’t take on the burden of the affair, but instead remind yourself
of these truths when you are struggling with feelings of worthlessness after the affair:
1. A character flaw in the cheater caused the affair. It’s is the cheater’s responsibility.
2. Your partner may be rewriting history based on his or her need to justify his or her position
regarding you and your marriage.
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3. Your partner has an investment in placing a “halo” around his or her affair partner while
demonizing you.
To help you rebuild your self-esteem , Dr. Gunzburg further says, “If you keep these three
things in mind, it will help you realize that the affair isn’t about you, that it isn’t your fault it
happened…and that you don’t have to suffer with feelings of worthlessness after the affair.”
Now it may take more than this to heal your weakened self-esteem after the affair, but it is a
good start. His book, “How to Survive an Affair” treats the issue more fully.
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Forgiving Infidelity: A Nine Step Approach
During the last several weeks we have noticed through the various emails we receive and the
comments to the blog that many of us are struggling with the thought of forgiving infidelity.
After all, a great injustice has occurred to us and we all hurt tremendously. An all too familiar
theme is presented over and over to us and that goes something like this: “How could my wife
do this to me? I don’t know if I can ever forgive her.”
While it’s understandable to be hurt, furious and emotionally scarred because of a marital
affair, you have to realize that by not forgiving infidelity you are actually holding on to anger,
pain and resentment. Only when you forgive can you relieve yourself of those burdens and
begin to heal.
I chose to forgive Doug in this fashion by acknowledging that it was the only way to let the pain
and hurt go and be able to channel those energies into trying to save our marriage.
By forgiving you can also allow yourself and your
partner the freedom to live in peace and change for
the better both personally and within your
relationship.
Please be clear that forgiveness does not equal
forgetting, and since the pain of the affair may not be
completely gone, it is possible to still feel it even
though you have forgiven your partner.
Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you are letting
your partner off the hook for the wrong that they committed. You are simply agreeing not to
hold them in debt any longer.
So what are some steps you can take to forgiving infidelity?
Frederic Luskin, Ph.D. in his book “Forgive for Good,” offers these nine steps to forgiveness:
1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the
situation is not OK. Then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for
you and not for anyone else. It will allow you to eventually make peace with the one you are
forgiving.
3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that upset you, or
condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as
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the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the
life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.” It is in a sense a way to stop
reliving the grievance and stop unnecessary dwelling on the negative.
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is
coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what
offended you or hurt you two minutes or ten years ago. If the threat is gone don’t continue to
have your body injured. Think of the grievance, take a deep breath and create a loving image of
your positive possibilities.
5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe
your body’s flight or fight response. One suggestion is to practice the Positive Emotion
Refocusing Technique (PERT). PERT in short, means shifting your attention to something
beautiful, or a loving memory. The purpose is to really focus on that and try to experience it as
a way to calm you and move you from the less productive thoughts you may be having. Another
idea is to simply choose a TV program that you wish to watch, or why not choose the life view
that you want to live within?
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give
you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people
must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship and prosperity
and work hard to get them.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through
the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, seek out new ways
to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded
feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for
the love, beauty and kindness around you. When you look inside your enemies you see their
pain. When there is no revenge you are forgiving and a life well lived is your response. If you
seek revenge you are digging two graves and we become what we don’t forgive. It is our choice
not to define ourselves by the others who have hurt us.
9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.
As you can see, Dr. Luskin’s process takes some work and involves adapting certain elements of
your personality and how you respond to hurtful things. Forgiving infidelity is a choice. A
choice that should you decide is appropriate in your situation, can set you free from the
underlying pain caused by the affair. Forgiving infidelity is not forgetting, but it can help you
move away from the everyday dwelling and reliving of painful memories from the affair.
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Should You Forgive the Affair?
Yesterday our post dealt with how to forgive infidelity. There were quite a few comments
regarding this subject, and we would encourage if you haven’t already done so, to make a
comment and throw your 2 cents in. Some of you have forgiven and have chosen to move on.
Others said they will not forgive. Almost all of you said you will never forget. We wanted to
discuss certain points you need to consider prior to deciding if you should forgive the affair in
the first place. We messed up (specifically Doug did!) a bit and should have posted this prior to
yesterday’s, but such is life. We hope you don’t mind.
We believe that the most important barometer of how easy or hard it is to forgive infidelity is
how the cheating spouse behaves immediately after the affair. Do they blow you off with
comments like, “Look I said I’m sorry. Get over it already.” Or are they truly repentant and are
constantly beating themselves up for having caused you this pain? Are they doing everything
they can to prove to you that they have learned a horrible lesson and will make damn sure it
never happens again?
The intensity of their apology and their willingness to
allow you to feel the pain of it will have a direct impact
on your ability to heal from the infidelity and on their
ability to rebuild trust in your eyes. If they demand
that you simply trust them on their word and they
have done nothing to show you that they are taking
full responsibility for the broken trust, then you need
to think hard about whether or not to forgive the
affair- or whether you should even stay with them.
I forgave Doug since he showed remorse for his
emotional affair, and eventually started to prove to me that he was doing everything he could
to make amends, was working on our relationship and was empathetic to the pain and hurt
that he had caused. But what were some of the other things that we must consider before we
decide if we’re going to forgive an affair?
Author Skye Thomas suggests the first thing you need to look at above and beyond all else is
your partner’s character. Do they have a history of cheating? Are they so self-absorbed that
you feel they might have trouble passing on any possible pleasures that come along? Are they
of weak character? At some point chances are they’re going to face temptation again during
their life. Do they have the backbone to say no to that temptation? Does your partner have
the willpower, self-discipline, and the ability to truly care about another person’s feelings?
Assume for now that you have decided your partner has the ability to be faithful and this was a
one- time indiscretion. Next, you have to analyze your relationship to try and determine why
the affair happened. Motivation is more important than the act itself. Knowing why they had
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an affair allows you to avoid the situations that triggered it in the first place. If you can honestly
say that you were completely loving, supportive and giving but they cheated anyway, then you
may want to reconsider forgiveness. If the reason for the affair makes sense to you and you
feel it’s forgivable, then forgive them.
Thomas says the next thing to evaluate is what is at stake. “What kind of a life have you built
together and what does it mean to you? Do you have children together? A long marriage? A
business and material wealth? What if you don’t think you can trust them and yet you will lose
everything that you do love by leaving them? That’s something that only you can answer. Is
the money, the marriage, the children worth a lifetime of being cheated on? You decide.
Maybe it’s a marriage of convenience anyway and you really don’t care where they sleep. Then
it’s going to be much easier to forgive them then if they are your one true love and your
emotional health is at risk by having your heart shattered.”
There are plenty of reasons to choose not to forgive and forget. But what if you have created a
long beautiful life together and your partner is a wonderful parent to your children? What if
you feel just as much to blame for the infidelity because you had pushed them away for too
long. What if they had made an honest effort to work things out with you but you just kept
pushing them away? What then?
Just because you want to forgive them doesn’t mean that you can forgive them. How do you
forgive and forget? The bible may tell us to turn the other cheek, but how? How do you do it?
There’s a big difference between saying, “I forgive you” on a generic spiritual level and saying,
“I forgive you” on a personal heart to heart level.
The key to real forgiveness must involve trust. Thomas says that “At some level you have to
really believe in your heart of hearts that you can trust this person to never ever repeat such a
painful choice again. If you don’t really believe that, then you aren’t really going to forgive
them and the underlying resentment will eat away at whatever is left of the foundation of your
relationship.”
Deciding whether you should forgive the affair isn’t easy and should not be done as a means to
simply wash the affair and the issues that caused it under the bridge. You need to do some
serious soul-searching and evaluation of your present and past relationship to determine if
forgiveness is possible. If forgiveness makes sense, then you can move forward towards
releasing the pain within and possibly towards a better relationship.
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Getting Over an Affair: Dealing with Triggers
There is no doubt that getting over an affair is difficult. Even after the apologies and the
forgiveness that follows, it can be a tough thing to live through. In our situation, what causes
the problems most of the time are the “triggers” that Linda sees, hears or thinks about that
cause memories to coming flooding back and her to get emotional, depressed or generally
feeling like crap.
This weekend started out pretty good, but rapidly went to hell. Linda and I had a Friday night
without kids, so we went out for drinks and some dinner and a little bedroom time when we
got home. Everything was really nice. We had a good time and really enjoyed being with each
other. Then Saturday morning she was reading an article about something that set her off, and
an emotional discussion between us ensued.
During the discussion she said that she can be set off
by many things. For instance, when I tell her I love her
or if I tell her she’s beautiful, these trigger memories
and emotions because she thinks that is what I would
tell Tanya all the time. My sister’s name is also Tanya,
so there is a constant trigger. These few examples are
just the tip of the iceberg, as there are many things
that can be triggers that bring back the trauma from
the affair.
So things improved after our discussion until Saturday
night when she got a phone call from her mother. She called to tell Linda that her brother was
separated from his wife of 25+ years because he met the woman of his dreams and is madly in
love with her. Talk about a trigger!
Naturally, another emotional discussion followed when we went to bed. After which I sat in
bed wondering how to help her get over these triggers, or at least get her to a point where the
effects of the triggers are minimized.
Now I realize that one factor that can help is simply time. It takes time to heal to the point
where the triggers start to lose their power. But after doing a little research on this, I found
that to a lesser extent, a person that has been a victim of an affair is suffering from emotional
trauma very much similar to that which a soldier suffers after coming home from war. This
trauma is known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Obviously, there are university courses as well as volumes of books written about emotional
trauma and PTSD, and any treatment would be beyond the scope of this blog. Severe cases of
emotional trauma or PTSD require a skilled professional’s treatment to aid in recovery.
However, with less severe cases there are things you can try to help yourself.
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First of all, know that recovering from emotional and psychological trauma takes time. Give
yourself time to heal and to mourn the losses you’ve experienced. Don’t try to force the healing
process. Be patient with the pace of recovery. Finally, be prepared for difficult and volatile
emotions. Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling without judgment or guilt.
Staying grounded: A trauma self-help exercise
It is very important to stay ‘grounded.’ If you are feeling disoriented, confused, or upset, you
can do the following exercise:
1. Sit on a chair. Feel your feet on the ground. Press on your thighs. Feel your behind on the
seat and your back against the chair.
2. Look around you and pick six objects that have red or blue. This should allow you to feel in
the present, more grounded, and in your body. Notice how your breath gets deeper and
calmer.
3. You may want to go outdoors and find a peaceful place to sit on the grass. As you do, feel
how your body can be held and supported by the ground.
Trauma self-help strategies:
1. Don’t isolate. Following a trauma, you may want to withdraw from others. But isolation
makes things worse. Connecting to others will help you heal, so make an effort to maintain your
relationships and avoid spending too much time alone.
2. Ask for support. It’s important to talk about your feelings and ask for the help you need. Turn
to a trusted family member, friend, counselor, or clergyman. You may also want to join a
support group for trauma survivors. Support groups are especially helpful if your personal
support network is limited.
3. Establish a daily routine. In order to stay grounded after a trauma, it helps to have a
structured schedule to follow. Try to stick to a daily routine, with regular times for waking,
sleeping, eating, working, and exercise. Make sure to schedule time for relaxing and social
activities, too.
4. Take care of your health. A healthy body increases your ability to cope with stress. Get plenty
of rest, exercise regularly, and eat a well-balanced diet. It’s also important to avoid alcohol and
drugs. Alcohol and drug use can worsen your trauma symptoms and exacerbate feelings of
depression, anxiety, and isolation.
Source: Gina Ross and Peter Levine, Emotional First Aid
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We know that getting over an affair takes time, but we think that if the effects of the “triggers”
can somehow be minimized, then the healing process can be kick started. We don’t know if
this has any real basis in psychological theory (though we suspect it does), but we know that in
our case, our relationship is doing great and everything for the most part is peachy — until one
of these triggers surfaces. Therefore, it would make sense to try to lessen their effects and
eventually eliminate them all together. I know…easier said than done.
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An Affair Hits Close to Home
Yesterday I received some devastating news from my brother. He told me he had fallen madly
in love with someone and was leaving his marriage of 28 years. To anyone this would be earth
shattering, but to a survivor of an affair it was even more difficult to handle. I had the
opportunity to talk to him today and what we discussed has been tormenting me all day.
He told me that she was the women of his dreams. He said they could sit for hours talking.
They both enjoy the same things and he said she is almost a female clone of him. She was
outgoing, appreciative, beautiful and also madly in love with him. He also said that for years —
maybe even during his entire marriage — he had not been happy. He said, “I love my wife, but
I am not ‘in love’ with her.” Apparently there was always a void between them. His children
filled the void, but now that their kids are grown there was nothing left between them. He
believed that he deserved this and that life was too short and he needed to think about himself.
It was everything I had heard Doug say. To hear my brother say the same thing took my breath
away.
In some ways I agreed with him. He did deserve better. His wife had everything a woman
could ever want — 2 homes, diamonds, nice cars and she never had to work. But she never
really seemed happy. She had some addictive behaviors that definitely put a strain on their
marriage and she was content with sitting home and doing nothing. I know my brother wanted
more out of his life and his marriage. He was active and adventurous, whereas his wife is not.
So I could really see his side of this, but I want to believe that she also wanted more from her
marriage. I keep asking myself it this fair?
My brother met this woman nine months ago and almost instantly moved in with her. My
brother’s job is in one state while his residence is 600 miles away, which made this live-in
situation very possible. He would be with her during the week and fly home on the weekends.
Unfortunately, for many years he had been staying all week away from home or traveling
extensively for work, putting his marriage in jeopardy all the while. He convinced me that he
really knows her. They have traveled together and have been acting in every way as a real
couple. He dismissed this as being a typical affair by claiming it is different with them.
I am trying to understand that but it goes against everything I have learned about affairs. Even
though a few of his friends know about them, they are still living in a bubble to some extent.
His children live far away and the other woman has no children. All those responsibilities that
plague a married couple for years are non-existent. They are living a perfect life centered only
on them.
My brother tried to do the right thing. He confessed right away when confronted. He decided
to give his marriage a chance. He left his lover for six weeks and spent all of his time with his
wife. All the while he couldn’t get his lover out of his mind and said he felt nothing for his wife.
He had to go back to her.
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I think that if Doug would have given our marriage six weeks there probably wouldn’t have
been anything left there either. It simply wouldn’t have been enough time. For one, he was still
coming off of the addiction from the affair and I was a nutcase. It is unfair to think that you can
gain back all the feeling you have for your spouse when you are comparing them to the feeling
you have for your lover.
The tormenting part is I have never seen my brother so happy. Today he appeared as a new
man — free, alive, and totally different from the brother I have known for years. Of course I
have to think, did Tanya make Doug feel the same way? Was she his chance for happiness and
am I depriving him of this new wonderful life? I really think being with me is where he is meant
to be, and that being with his family was everything he needs. Again I have doubts. I also worry
about what Doug is thinking about this whole situation. Does he hear about my brother’s
happiness and wonder what could have been? I know at one time I was the woman of his
dreams, but so much has happened between us. Is our marriage beyond repair?
This situation has definitely challenged my strength and confidence. It has stirred up feelings
that I have tried to dismiss and given me insecurities and doubts. I am trying to remember
where Doug and I are at right now. I know that we are in love and connected, and I try to hold
on to what he told me yesterday — that he has never been happier. I want to pretend that my
brother’s situation has nothing to do with us, but it is so difficult to do. I just want to keep
moving ahead and stop looking back.
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Having an Affair Within Your Marriage
Most of us who are married come to the point in our relationship where the excitement and
satisfaction levels drop off considerably from earlier times in our marriage. It could because of
the kids, work or some other aspect of everyday life. It is at these low-satisfaction levels that
affairs can occur. I’ve been re-reading one of my favorite books, “Close Calls” by David Carder,
and one of the suggestions he makes amounts to basically having an affair within your
marriage.
During stressful times many married couples forget to take the time to do things alone that
they enjoy doing best. Carder says that when doing the things you like to do best, it produces a
high level of mutual satisfaction that includes the precise elements that are found in affairs.
Those elements are:
1. Childhood Magic. This is the freedom from responsibility
and schedules that seem to consume our lives. It allows you
to come and go as you please and do the things you want to
do—when you want to do them. Carder describes a situation
where we have all seen couples that appear to be in their own
little bubble, oblivious to all who are around them. This
feeling of childhood magic needs to be experienced
periodically in your marriage. Carder says, “You had it when
you dated. It will energize you, build great memories for the
two o f you, and create anticipation for the next time you
experience it.”
Doug and I are at the point in our lives where our children are
older, which allows us to get out and do things more often
without having to drag them along. Obviously, we love our
kids and enjoy being with them, but sometimes you just have
to get away and make time for yourselves. Each time we go out we talk about what we can do
the next time we go out. So there is anticipation there for us to do it again. If we see ourselves
slipping into a rut for whatever reason, we always are quick to schedule a night out, some
exercise or just to watch a good movie cuddled on the couch. These nights also usually end with
some hot passion, which is another added benefit.
2. Adolescent Sexuality. This is unplanned, spontaneous, lustful, passionate sex. Hopefully you
can remember what that is like! Carder mentions a survey that indicates that better than 90%
of couples involved in marital affairs reported having sex in their cars. When was the last time
you and your spouse did it in your car? The point is, spice it up in the bedroom. Better yet,
maybe spice it up somewhere other than the bedroom.
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Since Doug’s emotional affair, we have really increased the passion in our relationship and have
spiced up our sex life significantly. When you do this, it not only becomes more exciting, but
you also experience a higher level of intimacy and openness with each other more frequently.
3. Adult Mobility. Is the component of traveling together, of meeting at a hotel, of going away
for a weekend together, or maybe just sneaking home while the kids are in school for some
alone time. I really like this statement that Carder makes in the book: “If you were having an
affair and had an hour and a half for lunch, and it took you a half hour to drive each way to see
your partner, you would make the drive just to be with each other for the remaining half hour.
When was the last time you made that kind of effort to see your spouse?”
The point is to do some things that are unexpected and fun with your spouse — just like you
would do if you were involved in an affair. Doug and I try to do these types of things as much as
possible. Again, because of work responsibilities, along with our kids being involved in so many
activities which demand our time, it can be difficult to do. It doesn’t have to be much though.
A few hours here and there add up over time and are effective nonetheless. We have an alone
out-of-town weekend trip planned in the near future, and have done day-long canoe trips, a
night of camping and a few nights just home alone.
Having an affair within your marriage can help you to achieve a higher level of mutual
satisfaction which can be effective in preventing affairs in the first place. In our situation
though, we have done it to help save our marriage after Doug’s affair. The excitement level
was missing in our marriage previously and by adding the elements described above, we have
been able to turn back the hands of time, so to speak, and have regained some much needed
excitement and passion.
I do realize that many of you may not be to the point yet where you feel comfortable using
some of these strategies. For instance, you may have just recently found out about your
spouse’s affair and are too mad or hurt, or perhaps your spouse isn’t at a place yet where she
feels comfortable. If you do get to the point though where you feel that working on saving your
marriage is what you want to do, then having an affair within your marriage can work great—
and it can be lots of fun!
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Surviving an Affair: Will an Affair Destroy Your
Marriage?
Surviving an affair is probably the hardest thing any couple will attempt to do in their lives. We
can attest to that fact without question. But we are also here to tell you that it can be done.
Surviving an affair takes hard work and commitment from both partners. It doesn’t have to be
the end of your marriage.
So, is your marriage over? There is no simple answer to that question. There is no doubt that
the discovery of an affair is a crisis for all concerned. As with any crisis, there is an element of
danger but also an element of hope. The outcome of an affair should be changes for all
concerned. In this case, change means moving towards a better marriage, and in some cases a
better divorce.
So how do you know if your marriage stands a fighting chance? Here are some positive signs
that your marriage can be rebuilt after an affair:
•
Your partner told you about the affair on his
own.
Your partner is willing to answer questions
about the affair.
•
•
Your partner expresses guilt or remorse.
•
Your partner is willing to cut off all contact with her affair partner.
•
Your partner asks for or agrees to marriage counseling.
•
You are willing to let go of resentment and look inside yourself for reasons that your
partner may have sought fulfillment of his needs with someone else.
•
Both of you are willing to make the changes necessary to get your marriage back on
solid ground.
If all of the positive signs exist in your situation, then that is fantastic. But it’s not necessary to
have all of them in order to have a shot at surviving an affair. As you look at this list, five of the
seven positive signs were present after my emotional affair. I did not tell Linda of my affair on
my own, as she discovered it and I later admitted it, and we only went to one marriage
counseling session, so I won’t count that one. So don’t despair if one or two signs are missing.
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Right now, you may not know if surviving an affair is even possible for you. If you see these
signs within your marriage you should find that they will lead you to the point where you can
forgive, you can trust, you can analyze what went wrong, you can rebuild your relationship and
save your marriage by turning it into one that is even better than before.
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How to Survive an Affair if You’re the Cheater
Once the affair has been discovered, there are things that the cheater should do in order for
there to be a fighting chance at saving the marriage. Dr. Frank Gunzburg, author of “How to
Survive an Affair,” offers these seven steps that the cheater must take:
Critical Action #1: Take the Hit
The very first thing you have to do after you tell your partner that you cheated on them is
accept responsibility for your actions. The affair is absolutely your fault. You need to be clear on
this point. There are no excuses for what you have done – there are no rationalizations you can
make to justify your actions. Your partner did not make you cheat; you chose to cheat.
Explaining that you understand this to your partner is the first step on your road to long-term
healing.
Critical Action #2: Flush the Toilet
Now that your partner knows about the affair, you have either been caught as a liar or you have
revealed yourself to be a liar. No matter how hard you tried to walk the line and tell your
partner the “truth,” you have lied to them either explicitly or by “failing” to tell the truth.
Since you are already taking the hit for what you have done and are at your lowest, you might
as well take the next step and let out everything else you have been holding back from your
partner all this time. Flush the toilet, and get a fresh start.
Critical Action #3: Call Yourself Names
When you are taking the hit and flushing the toilet, make sure to refer to yourself with any
applicable pointed terms that define your behavior in this situation. Be sure to concentrate on
any name your partner has called you. Don’t hesitate to take your cues from them on this issue.
Call yourself a liar, a cheat, a deceiver, a jerk, a bad partner, a fool, an idiot, or a failure. If you
can’t think of any appropriate terms, imagine that someone you know cheated on his or her
partner as you have. Pretend for a moment that you are talking with them or thinking about
them and what they did. What terms might you apply to someone in this situation? At least a
few of these will fit for you as well. Use at least one or two of these against yourself.
Calling yourself names starts to show your partner that you truly understand what you have
done and how you have made them feel.
Critical Action #4: Give Reasons and No Excuses
One of the things your partner will want to be assured of is that you know how and why the
affair happened in the first place. You might have fallen down the slippery slope and slid into a
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pattern of lying that became easier and easier until it was dangerous, or you might be a thrill
seeker who wants to take advantage of every opportunity to feel excitement. Whatever the
reason, it is important that you understand how you made this marital affair happen and that
you express that understanding. This is important in preventing the same thing from happening
twice.
Critical Action #5: Use the Stop Sign
It is critically important that you use the stop sign and put an end to the affair right now if you
haven’t already done so. If you don’t end the relationship with your affair partner, your spouse
will not be able to trust you again. It’s that simple. The sooner and more adamantly you break
off all contact with your paramour, the more hope there is of rebuilding your relationship with
your partner.
Critical Action #6: Open Your Eyes
Open your eyes to your relationship and why you have chosen to stay with your partner and
work on your relationship. See the good things in them. See what drew you to them. Look for
ways to recall why you entered this relationship in the first place.
Think back to when you first got together with your partner. What are some of the things that
drew you to him or her? Were there particular actions or character traits that you admired?
What were they? Were there aspects of their physical presence you really enjoyed? What were
they? Remember what drew you into this relationship to which you have caused so much
devastation and that you are now trying to rebuild.
Critical Action #7: Work the Program
Once you have taken the steps above and completely laid yourself out in front of your partner
in a totally raw form, you are now ready to start doing the hard work it is going to take to
rebuild your relationship and ultimately make it better than ever.
It’s clear that there is one thing that is going to help you the most during this early painful stage
of your recovery: talking. The more you talk with your partner, the better. Even (and perhaps
especially) the painful talk is important.
Cleaning out this pain and getting past it is an important part of the healing process. Even
terrible conversations are better than not talking at all. So open up, and talk with your partner
as much and as often as you can.
When things look grim – talk. When things look great – talk. When you aren’t sure how you will
make it through – talk. Communication is one of the founding principles of a relationship; if you
don’t talk with your partner, you won’t be able to rebuild what you have lost.
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Dr. Gunzburg ‘s book “How to Survive an Affair,” is one of the best courses that we have run
across in our journey to rebuild our marriage, and we refer back to it frequently. His course
helped us survive an affair and made us realize that you can heal from infidelity and that the
cheating spouse is solely responsible for the affair, but that both partners must work together
to create a loving, needs-fulfilled relationship that is more alive and more meaningful than it
ever was before.
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Healing Infidelity: Talking About the Affair
One of the key elements of healing infidelity for many is open communication regarding the
affair. If you were injured in the affair and feel that you can’t move on until your partner
answers your questions, then you should initiate a conversation with him or her. However, be
careful what you wish for and be aware of your feelings before you initiate any discussions.
After all, you might get information you don’t want to know, and once you have that
information you can never give it back. Do not convince yourself that you need to discuss the
affair when you really don’t feel that you need to.
Remember that you aren’t going to begin healing from infidelity and work through the pain that
the affair has caused by working out every detail of the affair. However, you probably do need
to get enough information to know that your partner is now being honest and loyal to you. You
may need just enough information to know the extent of their relationship so that you can
completely come to terms with your own feelings about it.
Beware that when you talk to your spouse
about the affair, you risk all the emotions
resurfacing. This is not necessarily a reason to
avoid the discussion, but be aware and expect
it to happen. If both of you are wanting to
work on your relationship and get past this,
then the result will more than likely be a
stronger bond.
Here are some guidelines that Dr. Frank
Gunzburg suggests you follow as you discuss
the affair:
The injured person should initiate the conversation. In the case of a discussion about the
affair, the cheater’s needs matter little. If they feel they need to discuss the affair, they should
do that with a therapist or other neutral party. This conversation is totally up to what the
injured person needs.
The injured person should be in control of the conversation. Gunzburg recommends running
the conversation as a question and answer session in which the injured asks questions and the
cheater answers. The cheater should not give more information than the injured asks because
they might not want to know certain things. The cheater must honestly and directly answer the
questions asked as this is a good opportunity for the cheater to show that they have become
truly transparent and honest and have recommitted their loyalty to their partner.
Be careful what you ask for. If you are the injured person and you are asking the questions
about the affair, remember to think about what you want to ask. Don’t ask about anything you
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don’t want to know about. Gunzburg recommends not asking any comparative questions,
particularly about physical attributes, sexual prowess, and personality. These kinds of questions
don’t serve any real purpose in terms of the healing infidelity process and usually just amplify
the pain and jealousy the injured partner feels.
If as the injured person you are able to get the information you need to heal and avoid
questions that will unnecessarily hurt you or further damage your relationship, this interaction
can be a powerful and positive experience. It is an opportunity for the injured partner to work
through some of the pain they have been experiencing, and it can be an excellent opportunity
for the cheater to prove their transparency and that their loyalty is firmly with their partner.
Do not mar this possibility by believing that you need to work out every sordid detail of the
affair before you can heal. That isn’t true. True healing infidelity is predicated on the energy you
both put into healing your relationship. This conversation might be important for you, or you
might not need it. Remember, this is about you as a couple. Stay with that, and you can succeed
in overcoming the pain.
For more information about healing infidelity, please visit www.surviveanaffair.com
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Life in the Affair Bubble
Yesterday my Father-in-law met my brother-in-law’s affair partner, and though my Father-inlaw didn’t have much to say about the whole event, he did mention that my brother-in-law is
head over heels in love and has pretty much written off his 28-year marriage.
Though I haven’t had the opportunity to speak to my brother-in-law about the whole situation,
it is clear that he is well insulated by the “affair bubble,” and I’m afraid has made up his mind
without thinking things through in a rational manner. At this stage he can’t.
It makes me think about when I was in the throes of
my emotional affair with Tanya and not thinking
clearly. It also makes me think just how lucky that I am
that I snapped out of my affair euphoria in time to save
my marriage. I know now that had my affair
progressed any further to the point where his is now,
that eventually I would have been extremely
disappointed and regretful. I fear that he will
eventually come to that point and realize that he made
a mistake. But it will be too late.
His wife has already approached an attorney and he
now feels he will lose a substantial amount of his
wealth in the impending divorce as well as having to pay alimony. He says he doesn’t care. He
can live with less, and will be much happier regardless. He is already experiencing his children’s
anger and resentment towards him. Will he ever gain their trust and respect again? Who
knows, but at the moment he doesn’t seem to care. He is experiencing the same selfishness
that I did, but just doesn’t see it that way.
I wonder how Christmas will be this year. I wonder how birthdays will be celebrated, and I
wonder really if we will ever see our nieces and nephew again as they all live several hours
away. We had a really good relationship with my sister-in-law’s family and now I wonder if we
have seen them for the last time as well. He does not seem shy about showing off his new
lover, and I wonder how she will fit into or be accepted by our family. I wonder what my kids
really think about the whole situation.
An affair is more than just two people having a fling or experiencing illicit passion or love. It
truly can destroy more than a marriage, and can affect many more lives than just the two who
are involved. I wonder if he has thought about things like this. Perhaps if he did, he would
realize there is so much more to lose than there is to gain and that eventually this affair high
will wear off and real life will take over. I would at some point like to share my own
experiences and knowledge about all this, as I can tell him that I have been there—done that. I
wonder if he will listen—or care!
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Healing from Infidelity: I Liberated Myself
Today
Here is a post from our forum that we thought was just terrific. Though this reader’s marriage
looks as though it may not survive, she has found inner strength from her husband’s affair and
is moving on in a positive fashion. Healing from infidelity to her means learning from the whole
episode and being a better person as a result.
Here is the post:
Saw this today, “Be loved, but never love. Attach but never combine. Trip but never fall. To be
broken is better than to be shattered. Tell him of your strength, but never of your past. Be
trustworthy but never trust. Be cracked but never open.”
At first I was shaking my head up and down in acknowledgment. Then I realized how bitter that
whole statement sounds. After the last year of my life, I was ready to agree to this statement.
Wow, totally not like me.
But I have seen many friends fall prey to the bitterness that engulfs our hearts when something
bad happens to us in our life. I can honestly say that the last year of my life has been the
hardest of my life. But also the best learning experience ever. I am not the same person I was
last year. Not even close. I am better.
So I can choose to let the actions of the last year destroy me and make me a bitter person, or
instead, I can choose to learn from them and take everything I learned forward to make my life
better. I can guard against happiness and love, or I can embrace it should it ever come my way
again.
I choose to embrace life. Love, though I do not believe I will actively seek it out, should it ever
come my way again, I will embrace it, not run from it or hide. I will love fully. I will fall, as is
meant to be. To be broken is truly better than to be shattered, but to be loved to the point that
you know in your heart you will not be shattered would be the ultimate glory and the goal that
would never be attained had you not risked being shattered. I will trust, for in order to have
trust, you must be willing to give it. And I will be open not cracked, for being cracked means you
are close to being shattered.
Today I took a step I never dreamed I would have to. I filed for divorce. I have had the papers
prepared for a couple of weeks now and kept giving him the opportunity to tell me he didn’t
want it. While he did say he wasn’t ready and didn’t want it “right now,” he fell short of saying
he was coming home, “Don’t do it.”
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As I stood at the counter at the courthouse and watched a man I used to work with enter all of
our information into the computer, our date of marriage, our separation date, our children’s
names, and our names, I got teary. It was a tough but necessary step to take. I went in a great
mood knowing it was what I needed to do, left in a so-so mood, but STILL knowing it was what I
needed to do.
I am ready and am moving on. The healing will continue of course as I move on and repair my
heart and my life. But I have a friend now to confide in who appreciates me for all that I am.
It’s been a long, long year and even longer 8 months since the separation started, but I feel like I
have wasted enough time and pain on someone who isn’t going to ever really appreciate me.
I will still be around to help and comment. I appreciate this site more than anyone will know. It
has helped me through so very much and I will always cherish everything I have learned from all
of you here, especially Doug and Linda. I commend Doug for pulling his head out of his ass
before it was too late. And I commend Linda for taking him back and making it better than
before.
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Healing After Infidelity: Create a New Purpose
for Your Marriage
For an affair to occur, there typically is some sort of marital deterioration that has happened
over the course of many months or years that both spouses have contributed to. It matters not
who contributed more at this point, but what does matter is that each of you share
responsibility for the past and also have equal influence to shape your marriage into what it can
be in the future and move on towards healing after infidelity.
One thing that Linda and I always have agreed on, was that there was a deterioration in our
marriage that was caused by a variety of influences that we BOTH were responsible for.
Therefore, though this was no excuse for me to have an emotional affair, it did justify that
BOTH of us were at risk for infidelity– only I was the weaker of the two.
One thing that Linda had said from the get-go was that she could have very easily had an affair
herself. Now you wouldn’t normally want to hear something like this from your spouse, but at
the time I welcomed her saying that because it helped to level our playing field so that we could
better understand what went wrong and what we needed to do to make our marriage survive
and become stronger.
Dr. Dave Carder, the author of “Torn Asunder” and “Close Calls,” suggests couples who are
healing after infidelity take a detailed look at their marriage to understand its purpose. In other
words, why did you select each other in the first place?
Take some time and write down a few reasons why you chose the other as your spouse. Carder
says, “Whatever the reason, it has proven insufficient to keep your marriage safe from
infidelity.” From the reasons that you identify you then can determine a new purpose for
saving your marriage which can carry on for the rest of your married life together.
Things change over time. The reasons that you and your spouse got together in the first place,
may not be the same reasons that will keep you together today or in the future.
In our case, getting back to the way we used to be by doing things we used to do, having fun
and re-igniting lost passion and communication have done wonders for our reconciliation. We
also know that as time goes on, we will need to constantly evaluate our marital goals and
desires and “readjust” our purpose accordingly.
As we all know, history can have the tendency to repeat itself. I think that is the reason that
you hear of so many couples that suffer from multiple affairs. Linda and I are adamant that we
never have an encore of our recent marital history.
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We have each learned so much about ourselves from my emotional affair and that knowledge
will help us to be aware should we happen to take a step backwards. In the end, healing after
infidelity requires you to create a new purpose for your relationship and make a commitment
to do what you need to do to move toward that purpose.
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Recovering From Infidelity: 16 Ways to
Reinvent Your Marriage
In Tuesday’s post, Doug discussed how important it is for us as a couple to constantly evaluate
our relationship and to make the changes necessary to keep our marriage on track. I feel as if
now we have a brand new marriage. One that is different from what we have experienced for
many years.
I know that when you are recovering from infidelity you are told that you can never go back to
your old marriage. In the beginning that was very upsetting to me because there were many
aspects of our marriage I wanted to hold on to. In many respects we had made wonderful
memories together and I didn’t want to let them go. I have learned through time that it is OK
to hang on to those memories and build from them. However, we needed to find a new way to
deal with the problems that brought us here initially.
I have combined a list of rituals or behaviors that we have
engaged in during our healing process. I feel these acts
have been the cement that has held us together this last
year and enabled us to move on to the wonderful
relationship that we share today. Many of these behaviors
were prevalent in our early years, but unfortunately
because of our many obligations they were brushed aside.
We didn’t sit down and say we should start doing these
things. Rather, it just evolved into to things that now are
very important and special to us. As you will notice, some
of these things are not tremendously exciting (like going to
the grocery store) but they are important to us
nonetheless.
Here is my16 (simple) Ways to Reinvent Your Marriage list (in no particular order of
importance):
1. Displaying appreciation for things we do each day. Not taking for granted these simple acts
that make our lives easier, more fulfilling and happier.
2. Saying “I love you” many times during the day.
3. Keeping in touch if we are apart for a long period of time.
4. Going to the grocery store together.
5. Inviting each other to come along when running errands.
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6. Sleeping naked.
7. Holding hands, hugging, kissing and cuddling all night while we are sleeping.
8. Sitting on the couch together and watching the news or going back to bed for some
excitement after the kids get on the bus in the mornings.
9. Having a weekly date night. Doing things we both enjoy, happy hour, listening to bands,
watching a sporting event etc.
10. Communicating when we are upset about something. Each listening to the other’s point of
view and discussing issues in a calm manner.
11. Taking the time during the day to stop what we are doing just to talk.
12. Taking weekend afternoon naps together on the couch
13. For me… stop doing so much. Stop being in constant motion. Relax and enjoy my
husband’s company.
14. Planning special outings, afternoon picnics, camping trips, kayak trips, etc.
15. Taking note everyday of something that I love about my husband.
16. Thinking of ourselves as one and always having the other person in our thoughts, instead of
living individually and doing our own thing. (For instance, making each other breakfast, or
picking something up from the store that the other person might enjoy.)
Recovering from Doug’s infidelity has been a long hard road. But, as you can see, these aren’t
really deep psychologically difficult things to do, but cumulatively these simple acts add up and
are deposited into our “love bank” to show that we care for, trust, enjoy and love each other
very much.
If you are to this point in your recovery, we would love to hear ways that you have grown to
enjoy and appreciate your mate that have helped you to reinvent your marriage. If you are not
quite to this stage in your recovery, we urge you to try and find ways that will bring back the
passion and friendship to your marriage.
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Understanding the Affair Fog
The term “affair fog” is often used by experts and affair victims to describe the euphoria that
someone involved in an affair feels. Think of how good you felt when you first fell in love.
During this period, the cheater will often rationalize their actions in order to minimize their
feelings of guilt — often to the extent that they “invent” reasons for having the affair in the first
place. Healing from infidelity is impossible while one is in this fog.
The wayward spouse may convince themselves that they are in a bad marriage or that their
spouse doesn’t really love or understand them, when that really isn’t necessarily the case. Soon
the cheating spouse begins to actually believe these lies that they have been telling themselves
and therefore act accordingly by treating their spouse badly yet treating their affair partner in a
loving and affectionate way. This is how the affair addiction begins to take momentum.
An affair fog is nothing more than a fantasy
created by the affair partners. All the wonderful
qualities each partner possesses are without flaws,
weaknesses or selfishness. The affair partners are
under the influence of an addictive drug similar to
a teenager in love, and unfortunately it is very
difficult to remove them from this fog.
When Doug was in his “affair fog,” I too was in a
type of fog (emotional turmoil) and I really wasn’t
able to understand what Doug was going through. I believed he had found the perfect partner
and had logically thought about everything he was doing.
I have learned so much about the affair fog and infatuation that now I am able to look at my
brother’s situation more realistically. I am seeing firsthand that he is not thinking clearly and
not acting in ways that are considered rational. I am witnessing how an affair can turn a man
that always put his family first into someone who is completely thinking about himself without
regard to the hurt he is causing.
I believe that we all deserve to be happy and have the marriage we want. However, if life
doesn’t turn out the way we expected is that an excuse to walk away and find something
better? I wonder if he ever voiced how unhappy he was or told his wife that she needed to
change. Did he give her the opportunity to meet his needs or did he leave her feeling helpless
and guilty? Was he willing to do the hard work needed to repair a damaged marriage or simply
give up and find something easy and exciting?
My brother talked about how he always put his family first and all the sacrifices he made; now
it is his time to put himself first. Did anyone force him to devote himself to his family? I believe
that was his choice and he internally received many rewards for being a wonderful father and
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husband. He never regretted any of his actions until he met another woman who made him
believe he deserved better and that she was the woman of his dreams.
Talking to my brother, I see how little concern he has for the distress he is causing his family. He
constantly tries to justify his actions. He has surrounded himself with his “real friends,” as he
has called them, who completely support his decision and feel this woman is perfect for him.
He is constantly telling my parents and me all of the other woman’s redeeming qualities.
My dad had the forced opportunity to meet her and commented that she was nice. However,
when my brother called him three times after their meeting wanting to hear what my dad
thought of her, my dad remained quiet. It’s almost like my brother is trying to get everyone on
his bandwagon.
He desperately wants Doug and me to meet her. For many reasons this is something that I
don’t want to do. For one I don’t know if my fragile self-esteem can handle meeting the perfect
woman. I told Doug I would feel like I am meeting Tanya, because I heard the same wonderful
qualities that my brother has used to describe his new love that Doug used to describe Tanya. I
also do not want to witness the grandness of infatuation. When you are “in love” everything is
wonderful. You are confident, happy, energetic and beautiful. Unfortunately married love looks
a lot different.
Another component of an “affair fog” is the comparisons made between his marriage and his
life right now. He talks about how wonderful she is when he comes home from work. She is
waiting for him with a glass of wine eager to hear about his day. He describes how much energy
she has and that she is always wanting to do things. They spend their evenings talking and
doing things they both enjoy.
I would love to walk in the door every night having someone like that waiting for me, but the
reality is that it doesn’t always happen. We have children, carpools, chores and other everyday
things that keep our life moving. On the other hand, my brother and the other woman are living
in a two bedroom apartment with no family around or other distractions. It’s just the two of
them in their affair bubble.
I just can’t get through to him how difficult this is on everyone involved. He is so far removed
from the reality of the situation that he believes that time will heal his family’s pain. I try to tell
him that how he relates to his family now will define his relationship with them in the future.
He really isn’t concerned about his future relationships as he is living for the here and now.
He feels bad about the situation, but at the same time feels that he doesn’t need to do anything
to help them through this process. He is oblivious to the hurt he is causing his wife and appears
shocked that her self-esteem is floundering. I tried to tell him that he needs to encourage her to
seek help and that I worry about her mental health. He believes that with time she will find
someone new and be happy.
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Looking back I wonder how I was able to break through the affair fog and show Doug the reality
of his actions. Right now I feel it is a losing battle with my brother. I wish there was some magic
formula, or some drug they could take because I believe until the fog and addiction are gone,
healing from infidelity cannot begin.
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Recovering From an Affair: No Pain. No Gain.
Today is a very important landmark for me and Linda. It is our 25th wedding anniversary.
Compared to the other 24 anniversaries, this is by far the most special. The last 18 months have
been chock full of many different emotions and stressful issues, yet also a renewed sense of
passion, fun and excitement within or lives and our marriage.
I can honestly say that 18 months ago we both wondered if we would make it this far.
Recovering from an emotional affair took us to the brink of divorce, but thankfully we have
been able to turn things around, and can now boast that we have a great marriage. It’s not
perfect—yet, but it is great nevertheless.
Yesterday’s post from Linda made me think about
when I was walking around in my “affair fog,” much
like her brother is today. At the time, I tried
everything I could to find fault with Linda and our
marriage that would cause me to have an emotional
affair, so as to rationalize it away and justify it to
myself. And I think Tanya did the same thing. Sure, we
had our issues and problems, but my affair was
completely unfair to Linda and our marriage and was
complete and utter bullshit.
Looking back on it now, I’m so glad that I was able to
clear my head and see things more clearly than I could
while under the influence of Tanya. But how did I do
it? What was the underlying factor that caused me to
realize that I belonged with Linda? Inquiring minds want to know, right?
It’s hard to say whether or not what caused me to “come back” will work for everyone else, as
we are all different and are motivated by different things. But if I were to sum it up in one word,
that word would have to be FEAR.
Fear of losing my family. Fear of losing friends. Fear of losing everything we’ve worked for. Fear
of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of divorce and everything associated with it. Fear of
regret. Fear of making a huge mistake. Fear of guilt. Fear of losing Linda–the one true love I’ve
ever had.
Only when it becomes evident that the pain associated with an action far outweighs all other
“good” aspects of that action can a person decide to make a change. I had reached that point.
Why I was so slow and thick-headed that it took me so long to get to that point is anyone’s
guess. But I’m glad that I did.
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Perhaps I’m just lucky that I was able to realize these things in time. I know that I’m lucky that I
have a wife that loved me enough to want to stay married to me. I thank God that she did and
that she researched everything she could about affairs and ultimately pulled the right switches
that snapped me back to reality.
So what can you learn from my experience if you are recovering from an emotional or physical
affair and trying to save your marriage or relationship? I guess simply enough, learn what
motivates your partner to act the way that they do. What (pain) has to happen within their lives
or relationships to cause them to want to make a favorable change? Be the trigger person for
which those things happen. Now I’m not saying to go out and threaten them or cause bodily
harm or anything like that, but I think you get the picture. But, as the saying goes…”No pain. No
gain.”
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Forgiving Infidelity: What Forgiveness Is and Is
Not
Forgiving infidelity is a topic that comes across our desk quite often. It is a hard thing to do for
those of us that have been harmed by an affair. I was listening to an audio recently of an
interview with Leslie Karen Sann, who is a counselor, educator and coach about forgiveness,
which I thought brought up some interesting points.
First of all, what is forgiveness? Sann defines it as the process that brings us to a place of peace
in our hearts and acceptance that the past cannot be changed. That acceptance liberates us to
become present in our lives and to be a creative force as we move forward.
By not forgiving we tend to re-wound ourselves because we replay the circumstance in our
mind over and over. Essentially, we become a prisoner to our own story telling and are stuck in
the past and hurt ourselves as a result. We cannot get back to a place of connection in a
relationship if we withhold forgiveness.
Sanns goes on further to describe just what forgiveness is and is not:
FORGIVENESS IS NOT
•
Forgiveness is NOT condoning. Forgiveness is not saying what you did was okay.
•
Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. We do not erase the past. Those experiences have a lot to
teach us. What we erase is the negativity, the judgments.
•
Forgiveness is NOT a spiritual bypass. It is not pretending it’s okay when it is not.
•
Forgiveness is NOT a one time clear-cut decision. It takes time. It cannot be forced.
•
Forgiveness is NOT associated with any specific behaviors.
•
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean choosing to including the one who hurt you back
into your life. It depends.
FORGIVENESS IS
•
Forgiveness is letting go of identifying with the past, letting go of being the wounded
one, the victim and identifying instead with health, well-being productivity.
•
Forgiveness puts the past into proper perspective. We learn from the past and we move
on. We develop wisdom from making sense of our wounds.
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•
Forgiveness is understanding that nothing we do to punish them, or ourselves, will heal
us.
•
Forgiveness comes from accepting that suffering is part of the human experience and
instead of judging it, embracing it for the gift of learning and growth that it brings.
•
Forgiveness is part of an ongoing healing process. We need to do the healing work so we
can genuinely move into forgiveness. It is a process and it takes as long as it takes.
•
Forgiveness frees us from the illusion that harm was done. Who we really are can never
be harmed. When we let go of identifying with our suffering, we allow ourselves the
freedom to live in who we really are, our soul, our spirit, the loving.
•
And finally, forgiveness releases us from our attachment to and eye for an eye mentality
and leads us into a greater consciousness, that of Grace.
If you want to learn more about the process of forgiving infidelity, you may want to check out
“Relationship Trust Turnaround” by Otto and Susie Collins. The audio discussed above is just
one of 12 separate resources that are included with the program. If trust and forgiveness is an
issue for you for any reason, this program can benefit you.
To learn more about the Collins’ program, go to relationshiptrusttournaround.com
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Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the
Marriage
As you may remember, our 25th anniversary was a couple of days ago, and in celebration of that
we are taking off for a few days to enjoy some sun, surf, beer and boats. It’s just the two of us
alone for 3 whole days. We can’t tell you the last time that has happened!
It just so happens that Linda’s brother is going to the same place we are (totally a coincidence),
so we will be hooking up with him and the “other woman” at some point. It should be
interesting and we’ll be sure to give a full report when we get back on Monday. (Click here if
you’re not familiar with the story of Linda’s brother)
In our absence, we have a guest post from our friend and mentor, Dr. Bob Huizenga. Thanks to
Bob for the following article:
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
author: Dr. Robert Huizenga
Hearing that your cheating spouse is “in love” with someone else is devastating. I hear often, “I
can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give
herself emotionally and “love” someone else…man, that is hard.”
What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?
So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her
back.”
He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges
for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily,
sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.
It doesn’t work. Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement
she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”
At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any
additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even
further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her
firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.
If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in
ways she really seeks. She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him.
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With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on
top. Sorry!
Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the
marriage. It’s called “back off!”
Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop
asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!
Remember, this “in love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need
patience. The relationship will run its course.
She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the
emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I
really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I
really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach
when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?”
This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way.
I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you
learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.
At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called “charging neutral” to help “back off.”
Use that skill. This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely
will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you – apart
from what she does with him – that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can
weather any storm.
This is your opportunity to grow to another level.
Oh, by the way. She will notice! And….she might like it.
Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You
want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that
does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution
for the marriage.
Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such
as “backing off” enhances one’s chance to save the marriage.
For more of Bob’s work check out his site at breakfreefromtheaffair.com
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Observing an Affair From the Other Side
Well we had a wonderful long weekend trip and had a great time together. We did however,
come to the realization that we can’t quite party like rock stars as we once did, without feeling
the effects for a few days after. The weekend did allow us to do some of the things we enjoy
together and was a much needed escape from life’s realities and stresses. We were able to
relax, have a few (too many) drinks, enjoy life and each other and leave the past, the pain, and
all the other stuff at home.
While we were there, we had the opportunity to hook up with Linda’s brother and his “friend.”
She turned out to be quite pleasant. She’s very friendly, nice, attractive and fun loving. But the
whole situation seemed very odd and a bit uncomfortable—especially for Linda.
For me, it was odd to see her brother acting the way he was. He was always very reserved and
somewhat quiet in the past, but this weekend he was very talkative, outgoing and in a partylike frame of mind. He and his friend were also very lovey-dovey and couldn’t keep their hands
off of each other, which was also very strange and awkward to see. I’m sure that Linda was
picturing me and Tanya in the same light and thus all sorts of thoughts were going through
Linda’s head. Thankfully, that wasn’t something that ruined our good times.
The other thing that stuck out was that this woman had several similar personality traits as my
brother-in-law’s current wife. Perhaps he sees these traits in his new friend as he saw them in
his wife many years ago. To an extent, I had the same experience with Tanya. Looking back at
things, I realized that the things that were exciting and new about Tanya, were actually similar
to what attracted me to Linda in the first place. Interesting. It’s like re-living your past.
Her brother also seemed to be trying hard to impress upon us how great his friend was. Almost
too hard in fact. I believe this is part of the rationalization phase that he is going through. He is
justifying to us and to himself the reasons why he is doing what he is. I think he is also trying to
garner some support from us at the same time. It will be interesting to see if he is still doing
this a few months down the road, and how he approaches the introduction of his friend to his
kids.
For me, I couldn’t help think that though he is having the time of his life presently, this feeling
and the care free life style they are currently enjoying will eventually fade and he will find that
she isn’t the perfect person he currently sees. Once the initial excitement and euphoria wear
off he will find out that this new “love” is not his nirvana after all. He will regret that he has lost
his wife and alienated his kids and has changed his life forever.
I really wanted to talk to him about what he is doing and to try and at least convince him to
step back and really look at things objectively and to consider his actions with respect to how
they are affecting his kids. Even though his kids are all in their twenties, this whole situation is
tearing them apart.
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The two love birds left a day before we did, so we were able to have a day completely to
ourselves without having to pretend to want to hang out with them. The change in Linda was
significant. The pressure was off of her, and the affair thoughts went away. We were then able
to do what we wanted to do and be ourselves and rejoice in our experiences together.
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Observing an Affair From the Other Side – Part
2
Our long anticipated weekend is over and I feel it is time for some reflection. Before leaving for
our trip I was faced with much apprehension. I was nervous about many things-the ability to
provide the fun, excitement and companionship that Tanya provided Doug during his affair. I
also focused on avoiding triggers because the last time we visited this place Doug was involved
with Tanya. Also, meeting my brother’s “perfect” woman was making me really nervous. Upon
returning and thinking about the events of the weekend I realized that I had every right to be
nervous and that again I am a lot stronger and more disciplined than I imagined.
Right now instead of feeling wonderful about the time I was able to spend with Doug, I am
feeling sad because unfortunately the affair is still hanging over my head. I am thinking about
how all the reminders constantly popped into my head during our weekend. I wonder that if
not for all of the alcohol I consumed, if I would have spent the entire time crying. I felt like
there were triggers going off in my head continuously.
During the drive there I remembered certain landmarks where Doug checked his phone or sent
a text two years ago. It made me think that I must have been somewhat suspicious at that
time. I wondered about what he was might have been thinking about two years ago when he
was there. Did he wish she was with him? Did he resent the fact that I made him leave her for
a family camping trip? I tried my best to push
those thoughts away and enjoy the moment.
When we arrived at our destination my brother
started texting me immediately. He wanted
desperately to hook up, but all I wanted was to
pretend that the texts didn’t exist.
Unfortunately it’s hard to avoid a determined
man, so I figured we might as well do it right
away and get it over with so that we could
enjoy the rest of our weekend. Little did I
know that he wanted to expose her to us as
much as possible and we would be held captive almost the entire weekend.
The first few moments were very uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to say, what to think and
my fear of reliving Doug’s affair was becoming a reality. Every time I looked at them I pictured
Doug and Tanya. It made my head spin and made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to run
away like I have wanted so many times this past year. I kept thinking to myself “Why me?
Have I not been tested enough? What else do I have to prove?
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I just couldn’t stop staring and thinking that this is everything I have read and questioned Doug
about and it was happening right in front of me. I was able to see firsthand what being in an
affair is like, and you know… in my opinion, it’s not that special.
I know obviously there are a lot of people out there who may not agree. Just look how popular
our website is. Maybe my thought process is more mature or I have higher expectations. I
can’t deny that it looked exciting and fun– almost like they were on some drug or something.
But to me there was something missing. It just wasn’t complete.
I think the most significant thing I saw was their ability to live in their own little bubble and the
urgency to create a history together. It was unsettling to see that my brother had completely
forgotten the last thirty years of his life and is living for the here and now. Not once did we
mention his children, or any memories of the past. Honestly I was afraid to bring his kids up
because I didn’t know how this woman would react.
When Doug and I fell in love as teenagers we really didn’t have much past or a developed sense
of who we were. Thirty years later I feel that my life experiences make up who I am as a
person. Being a mother and wife, along with the good and the bad, define me as a person. I
feel my brother has put all of those experiences behind him and is acting like he is seventeen
again. He is abandoning the real him. How long can he keep that up? At some point he will
need to face his past.
I also noticed how selfish their love appeared since they are living in their own little world. I
watched them constantly feed each other’s egos. It is amazing that two people can be so
perfect. It was disgusting and the little gestures that we take for granted everyday were
magnified a hundred times. He constantly said things like, “Isn’t she great?!” I know that I am
sounding cynical, but in all honesty I feel they truly know nothing about each other– only what
they want to see.
Right now I am trying just to step back and remove myself from the situation and see how it all
plays out. It is difficult because my brother constantly wants my support and validation, and I
feel guilty because my nieces and nephew need someone to help them deal with this. I am
definitely caught in the middle of their situation, in addition to dealing with my own demons.
This has really taken a toll on me, and again running away is looking really good, but that’s what
people do when they become involved in affairs–they escape reality. I am stronger and better
than that so I will face it head on.
On the positive side, this weekend made me appreciate our relationship so much more. I
savored Doug and I have a history, a commitment and that we have come this far and still have
a deep love for each other. I loved that we had been to this place many times before and
recalled wonderful memories and that oddly enough, this place represented the cycle of our life
together. We first visited this place before we were married and laughed about the wild times
and craziness we experienced. We went back for our third year anniversary with our “first
child” — our dog, Sheba. Later we went back with our kids, and now for our 25th anniversary.
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There is something said for going full circle with the person you love. It is a feeling that will
never compare to the feeling of infatuation. It is much more meaningful, special and longlasting.
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Healing After Infidelity: Why Won’t They Stop?
Many of our recent comments from readers have centered on the problem that their spouses
are still in contact with their affair partner, and apparently unwilling to stop. As we have
mentioned many times, healing after infidelity cannot occur until all contact has ceased. I can
recall firsthand how difficult it was for Doug and me to move on while he was still involved in
his emotional affair. He continuing to lie and betray me while he was in his “fog” and his
actions and words certainly reflected that. All of my positive changes and attempts to rekindle
our love at first went unnoticed or were met with contempt, and the healing that followed was
very difficult because I couldn’t understand how he could continue to hurt me so much.
Even today I have a difficult time understanding how he could continue his affair knowing how
much damage he was doing to me and our family. Recently I read a book by Dave Carder called
“Torn Asunder” and the book gave me an inside look into the components of an affair and what
is going on in the betrayers head. This book allowed me to get some kind of understanding as
to why an affair is so difficult to give up.
Carder divides the infidel’s process into four phases. Phase one: Growing mutual attraction.
Phase two: Emotional and sexual entanglement. Phase three: Destabilization of the affair.
Phase four: Disclosure and resolution.
In phase one, the affair starts innocently enough between two parties. However, the growing
sense of appreciation and attraction allows a whole new fantasy world to develop within the
future infidel. They begin to concoct imaginary experiences and wonder “What would it be
like?” During this phase the infidel begins to starve the marriage and feed the friendship.
During phase two the relationship develops new intensity when the two entangled people
mutually acknowledge their feelings for each other. Often one partner may put out a cry for
help, but the cry may be so subtle that no one will listen. This helps to reinforce the bond
because now he believes that the only person who understands him is his affair partner.
Through this very intense phase of the relationship, maintaining the affair requires widespread
deceit. It becomes their little secret, thus they enter an artificial world about which only they
know. But it doesn’t last long as the lies and betrayal begin to catch up with one or both of the
partners and they initiate a separation. The affair becomes too much to handle.
Phase three is the most interesting because during the stabilization stage the fear of being
caught fuels the urgency to get out of the affair. Though on the outside the affair looks like it
may fall apart in reality it is being stabilized.
Carder explains that one partner may call it off, and after some time will call to see how the
other is doing and immediately the affair starts up again. This off again-on again pattern makes
the affair almost impossible to end on its own. The separation/togetherness cycle actually
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intensifies the feelings and guarantees that the affair will not end. The longer the process goes
on, the powerful the attachment becomes.
This is the time the spouse begins to suspect something is not right. Also during this period
growing exhaustion and depression begin to creep into both partner’s lives. They begin to need
each other to medicate” the fear, emptiness and new irrational “reality” they now both live in.
When they are with each other everything seems ok, when in reality everything is falling apart.
They need each other to justify the mess they have created and need to hear that they deserve
to be together in order to diminish the guilt and shame. They feel that their partner is the only
one who understands them and validates their reasons for the affair.
It is often after one of the binge experiences during the “on again” phase that the infidel
decides to reveal the affair to the spouse. The disclosure is both an acknowledgement that he
needs help to get out of his bondage and also a system of his emotional exhaustion and
depression. During this disclosure phase the infidel feels torn. Parts of his psyche belong to
different people. He will vacillate back and forth between the partner and the spouse.
However the key step has occurred—disclosure, and now it is time to make a decision on what
to do with the marriage.
Dave Carder’s book allowed me to see the process of an affair from the infidel’s eyes and also
provided the realization that there was a lot of turmoil going on during most of the affair. From
my view I believed it was perfect and magical, but after reading this book I now understand that
an affair is filled with much shame and guilt. Unfortunately, healing after infidelity is difficult
because of the situation provided in an affair, as their only escape from the reality is in their
own little world. They are the only two people who understand and justify their actions since
very few people would appreciate and commend infidelity.
Hopefully, this post has given you an idea of what is going through the head of someone while
they are in an affair, and why it can seem so difficult for them to break free from it. The
obvious next question would be, “So how do I get my spouse to end his (her) affair?” We will
attempt to give you some ways to do that in our next post.
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Ending an Affair: Getting Them to Stop
Many of us have struggled with the situation after “D-day” where our spouses have difficulty
ending an affair and we didn’t know how to act or how to convince our spouse that saving our
marriage was the best choice. In yesterday’s post I discussed the book “Torn Asunder” and
highlighted the four phases of an affair viewed by the infidel’s point of view. I believe a lot of
this information was insightful and eye opening. However, the question I had when I read
about the destabilization phase is how we pull our spouses away from their affair partner when
they are so addicted to them?
I believe there are many facts to take into consideration before desperation takes over. First of
all, affairs usually run their course and die a natural death. The affairs that result in marriage
have an extremely low success rate. Secondly, affairs never solve the problems that caused
them. They can’t; by their very nature, affairs are artificial worlds in the midst of reality.
The question is what should you do after you find out about the affair? The information I am
about to tell you is based on the book “Torn Asunder” and I am just going to give you some
advice Carder highlighted in his book.
Just as he discussed the phases of an affair, Carder also maps out the spouse’s process of
recovery. He describes the phases as awareness, anger, anguish and reattachment and
recovery.
During the awareness phase the spouse questions herself, there is a sense of shame from
perceived inadequacy. The spouse begins to make herself more presentable. Doing things that
would please the infidel. This is when the infidel becomes resentful thinking it was too little,
too late. Carder emphasizes that this is not the time to compete with the supposed enemy or
try to win the infidel back by being nice, attractive, compliant, cooperative, etc. He continues
to say by pursuing that line of attack, you would have to perform at ever-increasing levels for
the rest of your life to reassure yourself that all is well in the marriage.
He says that the key to recovery is that both of you join forces to look at the situation that
exists and to work on the marriage together to make this marriage different.
The next phase is anger and Carder believes that it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to
occur. This is the time for the infidel to tell all and the power to continue the marriage has
passed on to the spouse. One of the great fears of the spouse is that if she expresses too much
anger, the infidel will run back to the arms of the partner. You need to remember that they
have already been in their partners arms, now simply by being angry is not going to drive him to
her–there is more involved than that. If you are going to live together in the future, you need
to live together differently.
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The anguish phase is when some recovery can begin, but it won’t be a steady process. During
this phase the spouse needs to realize that they can live without the infidel. She needs to
realize that she has options and power. The chief benefit of this power is that it equalizes the
relationship unlike before the affair. One thing the angry spouse wants during this phase is
guarantees that this won’t happen again. The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t
stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. If he truly
loves his spouse (and he usually does down deep) that will hurt him so much that he won’t
want to inflict more on his loved one.
However, at this phase the infidel must make a choice whether to stay in the marriage or go
with the affair partner. They cannot have their cake and eat it too. You need to bring the
infidel to the point of choice which can be done orally or in written form. The spouse must
communicate to the infidel that it’s his move. The spouse fully releases him to his choices and
consequences no more sitting on the fence. Carder highly recommends seeking help on this by
counselor and he also recommends “Love Must Be Tough,” by James Dobson. Basically you are
telling your spouse you will not tolerate this behavior any longer and it is your choice whether
you stay in the marriage and “I will be ok with or without you.”
As you can see, getting your spouse to the point where he stops seeing his affair partner and
finally ending an affair is a process. Doug and I can relate quite a bit to the process and phases
that Carder spells out in his book. The last phase is recovery and as we all know it is a long and
involved process that I feel would be better addressed as a separate post. One interesting
quote was “reattaching often takes about as long for the spouse as it did initially for the infidel
to detach from their partner and become involved in the affair.”
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Getting Over an Affair: Dealing With Affair
Withdrawal
Getting over an affair is not only difficult for the person who was betrayed, but also for the
person who had the affair. When you have had an affair, and it ends, you might get a feeling of
“withdrawal.” As we have mentioned many times on this blog, being in an affair is a lot like
being addicted to a drug. This means that when you end the affair you will have to go through
the uncomfortable experience of withdrawal before you can get over it.
There are three major emotional symptoms of affair withdrawal: anger, anxiety, and
depression. Why you might have these emotions should be fairly self-explanatory at this point.
I feel that I did indeed have a withdrawal period, though I don’t feel that it lasted that long.
(Linda may have a different opinion on that.) After all, I was tiring of the relationship and the
hassles involved with it in the first place. As I try to remember back to that period, I know that I
felt both a sense of relief that the affair was finally over, yet a sense of loss as well. However,
the sense of loss quickly faded for me, and I was able to turn (with Linda’s support) to repairing
our damaged relationship.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg, in his book “How to Survive an Affair” says that one can expect to have
intense withdrawal symptoms for about three weeks, and you may continue to feel some
symptoms for up to six months, but they should gradually diminish in intensity and frequency
over this time period.
During this time, you are in a vulnerable position. Like an addict, you might be tempted to use
your favorite drug again. You might be tempted to contact your affair partner again to help
calm the force of your withdrawal symptoms. Doing so is a little bit like a heroin addict in
recovery who says they are “just going to do a little hit to make the pain go away.” This is
clearly a terrible idea. If you do this, it is likely you will be tempted to start using again, end up
back in the affair, and undo all the difficult work you have done up to this point.
Do not attempt to contact your affair partner as this will destroy your relationship. Instead,
reinvest in repairing your relationship. This is liable to be difficult as well, particularly if you
have just informed your partner about the affair. If you are talking to your partner at all, it is
likely that your communication is negative and difficult. It is unlikely that you will be getting a
great deal of positive feedback from your partner at this point and this is bound to make you
feel emotionally disconnected. This could worsen your withdrawal symptoms.
Remember that you are going through this painful time for a reason: you want to heal your
relationship. You can look at this difficult period as a necessary step to straightening out the
mess you have made of your relationship. Like an addict, there may be a period of time in
which you suffer.
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Going through that is the first step to putting your life and relationship back on the right course.
Keep in mind that when you maintain the course of recovery through this rough period of
getting over an affair, the reward is a relationship that is better than you ever dreamed. I can
honestly say now, that outside of blogging about our experiences, Tanya does not occupy a
second of my thoughts, and my marriage is getting better with each passing day.
For our review about Dr. Gunzburg’s program, you can check out this post:
http://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-survive-an-affair-review/
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Emotional Affair: Understanding the Phases
The recent events with my brother, along with digging deeper into Dave Carder’s book, “Torn
Asunder,” has again made me think a lot about trying to understand Doug’s emotional affair. I
know in many ways I will probably understand it more than Doug does. I think that it was a blur
of emotions and mistakes in his eyes that he would like to forget. But for me I have spent so
much time trying to figure out what happened that I am able to see the emotional as well has
the psychological side.
I kept rereading about the phases of an affair that Carder mentions trying to relate to Doug’s
thought process and reactions during those phases. I know that it would be healthier to just let
it go, but I hope for my own peace of mind and maybe for anyone else dealing with an affair
that it might be helpful.
Much of this knowledge I received from Doug’s posts or comments. Doug, like many of your
spouses, had a difficult time discussing the affair and providing details that I felt were
important. And like many of you, I memorized each comment trying to find meaning and
understanding. Many of his thoughts I was hearing for the first time and gave me valuable
insight to the dynamics of his affair and how their relationship was not perfect by any means.
You don’t know how many times I secretly thanked all of you for your questions. You were like
guardian angels for me, and checking the comments on our blog became somewhat of an
addiction for me. I couldn’t wait to see what information I could absorb next. I even attempted
to try to send you all telepathic messages so you would ask things I wanted to know from
Doug. You might wonder why I didn’t ask them myself. I guess we had been through so many
conversations that ended with both of us frustrated and upset that I just didn’t want to go
there again. Also, some of the questions were not conducive to our healing. But selfishly, it
really helped me to hear that everything wasn’t rosy and perfect with Doug’s emotional affair
like I had pictured it.
Looking at the affair phases…
Reviewing the phases of Doug’s affair helped me understand why he acted the way he did and
took away the guilt and pain that I had been carrying around with me. I realized that it wasn’t
about me or that it was my fault.
Carder’s first phase of an affair is “growing mutual attraction” and is very easy to understand.
During this phase Doug found himself in a situation where another woman showed interest in
him. She laughed at his jokes, asked for help with her computer and such, and was available to
brighten up his boring day. Doug mentioned that it was convenient as all he had to do was
show up for work and go to lunch. There wasn’t much that was expected from him. She didn’t
ask him to pay the bills, mow the lawn or clean the house. All he had to do was be charming
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and attentive. It was a great escape from the reality of work and life and it was free from
responsibility and commitment.
One of our readers had asked Doug if he ever thought about the future and where the
relationship with Tanya was going. He answered that he didn’t know. He was having fun with
Tanya and enjoying their time together. This answer was difficult to hear because I took it
personally and thought of Tanya as some party animal.
Looking back, I realize that anyone can appear fun in that situation, and honestly if I was getting
that kind of attention I would have acted like Paris Hilton. The comment also reflected the
naivety and selfishness that Doug was experiencing at the time. If he would have known the
implications of his actions those words never would have been spoken.
The next phase was when things became complicated. This is when they express their love for
each other. Carder said during this phase the infidel experiences guilt, anxiety and fear. This is
the time that I believe Doug changed jobs and realized that as wonderful as the euphoria of his
affair was, it was also “a pain in the ass to maintain.”
The easiness and lack of responsibility was over and now he was expected to put forth more
effort to maintain his relationship with Tanya. He had to work at it, lie about it and in essence
make two women happy. This was the time where he withdrew from his family, spending most
of his time in front of the TV, listening to his IPod or exercising. He also was suffering from
headaches that were alarming enough for him to schedule a doctor visit.
At the time I was so confused about his actions. After “D-day,” I even contributed to his state
of mind of wanting to be with her by the way I acted towards him. Now I believe he was filled
with anxiety as he finally realized he had got himself in a terrible mess and didn’t know what to
do about it. That was the time I wished I would have noticed the signs and that he would have
trusted me enough to bare his soul. I know he didn’t know how I would have reacted. He also
wasn’t even sure if I loved him, so this would have been a risky thing to do. If he would have
come clean during that time our recovery from the affair would have been so much easier.
This next phase was so confusing to me and the hardest one to accept and forget. This is the
phase where I found out about the affair but he continued to see her. The contradiction of this
phase blows me away and Doug can’t explain it himself. In one way he says it was a relief to
him that I found out and that he was tired of the relationship and wanted out. Yet in other
ways, the relationship seemed to take on a life of its own — more texts, phone calls, more
confusion and ambivalence.
During this phase he was definitely in an affair fog state, making comments and decisions based
on pure infatuation. He said he wanted the feeling of being in love and that was all that
mattered to him. I wish someone could explain how a person can go from wanting out of a
relationship because of the hassles, to needing the relationship so desperately that nothing else
seemed to matter.
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I wonder what I could have done differently at this phase. It was hard because I wasn’t really
certain he was having an affair. Carder says the intensity increases because of the on again off
again experiences. The infidel has such guilt and anxiety that their affair partner is the only one
who can make them feel better about their situation. They “need” each other to medicate the
fear.
I often think about what was said during this phase and what kind of justifications allowed them
to feel better about their emotional affair. Doug mentioned that what was said was “utter
bullshit.” He is probably correct, I can’t think of any other way to justify what they were doing
to their spouses.
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Recovering From an Affair: The Promissory
Note
Every now and then we get some real gems from you guys in the comment sections that can
help others in recovering from an affair, and we feel we just have to share with everyone.
Today we would like to do just that. Here is a comment left by Jay to our most recent Open
Discussion post. We thought everyone could get some value from what Jay has written:
“Why? I think there are so many different answers to the question why. I don’t think any answer
justifies any kind of an affair but I do think we need to look at all the ‘whys’ in our own unique
relationships. I am beginning to think that when people are together long enough they stop
being friends, and that is the biggest answer to the question why. They start to take each other
and everything they have for granted. We all have insecurities, we all need to be validated we
all need to feel loved.
When I really look at my relationship with my husband I can see all the things that were right.
The nice house, the successful job, good kids, good colleges, gosh from the outside we were the
perfect family. But I sometimes feel that we were so busy doing all the right things that we
stopped doing things for us as a couple. We put our needs behind everything else and we
started to neglect us.
I don’t take responsibility for his bad decision and I know it will always hurt but I decided last
night to write my husband a promissory note and ask for one in return. It’s my way of
committing myself back to US. Maybe he had an emotional affair to fulfill his needs and I threw
myself more and more into my work and my children to fulfill mine, but we had a responsibility
to each other that we neglected, so my promissory note goes like this:
Dear H:
I want you to be my best friend again and I accept responsibility for the things that I could have
done and I would like you to accept yours, so with that being said here is a short list ( which I will
add to as I think of things) of what I will do to commit myself back to us:
1) I want to hold your hand more than my Blackberry. No one in my office will die if they can’t
reach me, but our relationship could die if you and I can’t reach each other.
2) It doesn’t matter if the house is messy or the laundry isn’t done, I’d rather go for a walk
together or enjoy a cup of tea with you. The laundry will certainly wait for us.
3) We don’t always have to buy things for the house or the family, we can spend some money to
get away for a weekend and just enjoy being together.
4) Dinner can wait half an hour or more if you have had a bad day and just need an ear to listen
to you. I am sure we will not starve to death.
5) I want to know when your sad, overwhelmed or just don’t know what your feeling and I won’t
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try to fix it. You can let me know if you would like my help.
6) I want to be your best friend again too. I don’t get annoyed with my friends when they need
to vent or need help or encouragement and I want to do that for you too.
7) I want to smile when you walk through the door and enjoy your company and not discuss 11
million things about bills, laundry, car repairs, college essays, the SAT’s, your office issues or
mine. There is plenty of time for that.
These are just a few things I can think of, what are the things you would like to change?
Love,
“Jay”
I think we can all learn from Jay’s idea of a promissory note. Perhaps the rest of the readers
can use this as a template and add to it to present to your spouse. Good luck. Thanks again Jay,
and if any of the rest of you ever have anything that you would like to suggest to the rest of us,
please don’t be shy!
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Getting Over an Affair: Stop the Comparisons
My computer crashed July 4th and I had several tabs open for sites that I frequent. In order to
find them again I looked in the history to bring them back up and noticed that there were a
couple of sites that had been opened that were Tanya’s –her Facebook account and her work
site. Since I had not been the one to look at them, I knew that Linda must have done so.
Later, I asked Linda why she felt the need to do so. She implied that she did because for one it
was July 4th and it is a trigger day for her, and secondly she wanted to find out more about
Tanya since she really doesn’t know her, and is trying to understand my attraction to her.
This absolutely frustrated the hell out of me because in my opinion, this isn’t something that
Linda should be doing while we are working at getting over an affair. To me it seems totally
counterproductive and does nothing but upset Linda and causes undue stress and emotions for
her. Unfortunately, this is the type of thing she does frequently and it does nothing but
damage her fragile self-esteem.
I expressed my frustrations with her actions and said that she should not be doing that and
couldn’t understand why she would want to do such a thing while we are getting along
wonderfully and are making great strides at repairing our relationship. It almost seems that at
times she tries to sabotage our relationship with her curiosity regarding Tanya.
After we discussed it a bit, I came to understand that this is not the case. Rather, she feels the
intense need to compare Tanya to herself in an effort to better understand my relationship
with Tanya so that she can replicate it in ways that keeps our relationship fresh and exciting.
This is a natural reaction.
I tried to explain to her that though I understand what she is trying to do, there is no need to. I
know now that I only saw Tanya at her best and that my emotional affair with her was not
based on reality. The reality is that Linda and I cannot have a relationship that is fun and
exciting every second of every day. It’s virtually impossible to do so when you’re married with
kids and boat loads of responsibilities.
I further admitted that if we ever get to the point that we are in a rut, I will mention it and we
will take the appropriate measures to right the ship. I also said that it is not solely her
responsibility to do so, and that we are both equally responsible to ensure that we are meeting
each other’s most important needs and to communicate to one another when that is not
happening. If there is one thing I’ve learned as a result of this whole mess, it is that.
The lesson to be learned from this July 4th episode is that there comes a time when getting over
an affair means living in the present, stopping the needless comparisons, concentrating more
on what it takes to make each other happy and working tirelessly to maintain that happiness
regardless of what life might throw at you.
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Save Your Marriage: Building Fences Around
Your Relationship
Yesterday I was re-reading some of Dr. Frank Gunzburg’s book about how to save your marriage
by keeping danger out and love within. I got to thinking about what Linda and I have done to
not only save our marriage, but effectively keeping our love alive and growing our relationship
on a regular basis.
One of the suggestions that we can make is to save your marriage by building a fence around
your relationship. In our situation, you may ask if I had an emotional affair because Tanya was
so great or because I let down my guard and allowed Tanya within certain boundaries that
should have been in place?
Building and maintaining the fence around your marriage can be a challenge, so here are some
suggestions based on our own experiences:
Save your marriage by becoming your spouse’s number one fan – before someone else does!
Linda does a great job at this and it really feels nice when she shows this. I for one, need to
improve on this and am working at it all the time.
Save your marriage by praising your spouse often, and be as specific as possible. Make them
feel special and appreciated. Compliment your spouse and tell him or her how handsome or
beautiful he or she is. Tell them how lucky your are to have them in your life.
Save your marriage by reminding your spouse about the qualities you most admire. The need to
be appreciated is important, so express thanks, congratulations and compliments frequently. It
can be as simple as thanking them for cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry. Obviously,
something a little more romantic may be better!
Save your marriage by avoiding temptation. Stay away from dangerous situations and people
who put you at risk for violating your marriage vows. By me working from home, for instance, I
have completely removed myself from any possible temptations—except perhaps for a little
“afternoon delight” occasionally with Linda!
I’m not a Facebook junkie or anything like that, but for those of you who are, steer clear of old
flames or other emotionally needy members of the opposite sex online and at social gatherings
or at the office.
Finally, save your marriage by strengthening the fence around your marriage. A spouse who
feels loved, cherished and supported is a lot less likely to stray than someone who feels
unappreciated and overwhelmed with responsibility.
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Here are some suggestions:
•
Set aside time, on a regular and recurring basis to have fun together.
•
Have discussions together about what bothers you, what you like, what you feel
passionate about, your past, your future together, and anything else.
•
Practice understanding your partner’s experience. Try to put yourself in their shoes so
you can make sense of their feelings in different situations.
•
Be kind and complimentary to your spouse.
•
Don’t be stingy with apologies.
•
Do kind things for your partner without expecting anything in return.
•
Tell your spouse you love them and need them often.
**Feel free to add any additional suggestions you might have by leaving a comment.
It’s easy to let many of the suggestions mentioned above go for granted as your marital
relationship matures. In order to save your marriage and affair-proof it, it is imperative that
you continually work and improve upon your execution of the above suggestions.
For an additional resource try Dr. Gunzburg’s free email course, or Amy Waterman’s book,
“Save My Marriage Today.”
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Recovering From An Affair: Keep the Passion
Alive
I have been reading a book by one of my favorite authors called “Passion,” by Barbara de
Angelis. Today I have decided to share an excerpt from the book about keeping the passion of
love alive. Keeping the passion alive is especially important in preventing an affair, but also
while recovering from an affair. This sort of ties in with Doug’s post from yesterday about
building and maintaining the fences around your relationship. This passage really struck a
chord with me and I hope that it does with you as well:
de Angelis says “We can learn a lot about the passion between two lovers by thinking about
what we intuitively know about building and maintaining a fire. When you first meet someone
and fall in love, you carefully court and seduce him or her, adding the right amount of intimacy,
the perfect amount of commitment until the fire of passion flares up between your hearts and
your bodies. For a while, the blaze burns brightly on its own and you grow accustomed to the
joy it brings into your life.
But one day, you realize that there is less light, less heat between you and your mate, and that,
in fact, it’s been that way for a long time. You don’t feel the same intense degree of physical
attraction, the same desire to unite, the same stimulation you once felt with each other. “The
passion is gone,” you may conclude, “I guess I’ve fallen out of love. This relationship is over.”
How many people ask themselves at this critical point in a love affair, if the fire of passion has
died down simply because no one has been tending to it, because no one has added the fuel
necessary to keep it burning? How many people walk away from the smoking embers of their
marriage, certain that the fire has died out, without noticing the coals of love still contain
enough heat to reignite the flames, it only they are given a chance?
Respect the fire of passion, the fire of love. Understand that to stay alive, it needs to be
honored, to be cared for, to be tended as diligently as you would tend a fire you had built in the
wilderness to help keep you warm and safe from harm. Feed the fire of your love with kindness,
communication, appreciation, and gratitude, and it will always blaze strong and brightly for
you.”
There you go! You know what to do now!
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Surviving an Affair: Affair Love vs. Married
Love
Looking back when I first became suspicious of Doug’s emotional affair I remember Doug trying
to convey to me what was missing in our marriage. He said that he wanted the “in love”
feeling, the feeling of excitement and newness like when we first met. Little did I know that he
was describing what he felt when he was with Tanya. I knew that surviving an affair would be
difficult if he didn’t realize that what he was experiencing with Tanya wasn’t realistic or longlasting.
I became frustrated as I knew that would never happen again in our relationship because that
stage of love happens only once in a relationship, and then it moves onto a more mature kind
of love. I tried to tell him that we have been together for so long and that we have seen each
other at our best and worst. We know almost everything there is about each other because
basically we have experienced most of our life together. That wasn’t the case between Doug
and Tanya.
I reminded him of when I was pregnant with the twins. This was a time when he had witnessed
me at my worst. I was so sick during my pregnancy that all day he had to sit next to me holding
my hair away from my face while my head was in the toilet. I became so dehydrated that I had
to go to bed for a month while he changed my IV bags every three hours and gave me sponge
baths. To me, that is real love. I know that it is not exciting and new, but it is love that has
commitment and security. Unfortunately Doug didn’t believe that spending the day watching
me get sick was better than a lunch with Tanya.
I wished that I knew that he was experiencing an emotional affair and that I knew that affairs
are based on infatuation, then I wouldn’t have felt so hopeless and would have been armed
with some kind of power and could feel confident that we could survive an affair.
Today I have decided to compare affair love to married love. The information I’m referencing
can be found in the book “Infidelity: A Survival Guide” by Don-David Lusterman.
The definition of infatuation is “a foolishly irrational love or desire.” If you Google infatuation,
you will find the words selfish, jealous, unsustainable, insecure and blind. Obviously these are
not attributes you would want in a long term relationship, however many men and women
have left their spouses and family because of infatuation.
Lusterman states that most people associate infatuation with an aspect of “falling in love,” as it
is easy to mistake infatuation for love. When you feel infatuated you feel captivated by
someone. You’re fascinated. You’re obsessed and you can’t get that person out of your mind.
You see no flaws.
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He writes, “infatuation is often the characteristic feeling in an affair, never evolving into a more
tempered, realistic, and mature love. An affair, by its very nature a secret liaison, locks the
object of your infatuation with you in a private world. Since there are few, in any, opportunities
to expose your perceptions of this person to the light of day, it is especially easy to maintain
you illusions. You romanticize. You see the object of your desire as what you want, but not
necessarily as what they are. Thus, the infatuation can continue, untested.”
Secrecy is part of the excitement of an affair. It adds spice to life when the marriage seems
bland. The affair offers a time beyond responsibility and it is addictive, carrying with it a
powerful emotional rush. As with other addictions, the rush is often followed by a sense of
loss–real life doesn’t seem as good. So the person is drawn to return to the source of the rush.
Again with other addictions, there is always a feeling that it would be awful to have to give it
up.
Married love, unlike an affair, has an ebb and flow. Some days you feel the way you did when
you first fell in love. Other days you feel dispirited, tired, distracted, disappointed, and angry.
Even if married love begins with infatuation, it finds its continuity in married love, with peaks of
real passion, valleys of disappointment, and plateaus of OK days. Successful married couples
know this. They have learned how to communicate and deal with the ups and the downs.
For those of you who are battling the effects of a spouse’s affair, there has to be some way to
make your spouse understand that what he/she is experiencing with their affair partner is not
real. If only they could step outside of their bodies and see themselves from another point of
view, they could then realize that though they may feel great now and think they are in love
with their soul mate, that once the “affair love” wears off, chances are they are going to regret
what they have done. Certainly, surviving an affair would be much easier if they could come to
this realization on their own before so many people get hurt.
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Surviving Infidelity: The Marriage Journal
Many of you are struggling with putting a finger on just what caused your spouse to cheat on
you. After all, you may believe that everything in your marriage was just fine until the affair
happened. If you analyze your marriage over time though, you might be able to determine the
underlying circumstances that contributed to the deterioration of your marriage and your
spouse’s affair.
One effective communication tool that you might want to try as you work on healing from an
affair is to each create a marriage journal beginning as far back as your courtship and
progressing up to the point at which the affair occurred. This marriage journal can be a great
aid in surviving infidelity.
The marriage journal can help you figure out when things began to go wrong in your
relationship, and now after the affair, it can help to bring to light these circumstances so that
you can guard against history repeating itself.
After my emotional affair, Linda spent a good deal of time asking herself how it could have
happened. She played our marriage out over and over again in her head for any clues.
Eventually, we had these discussions together and it proved to be an eye-opening experience
for both of us. And because we did this together, it was not an argument or an inquisition.
Rather, it was like a project—a project to save our marriage.
Here’s what you do. Separately make a time line of your relationship from courtship through
the years of your marriage, and rate each year as to your level of happiness and satisfaction.
After you each do your rating, discuss the particulars and how you felt during those times. You
might be surprised to find that you both have similar ratings at similar time frames.
By performing this exercise Linda and I started to feel much closer to each other. We were able
to recount the times when things were very good, what attracted us to each other and what we
loved about each other. This made it easier to understand what happened and when in a
certain year of our marriage, the rating seemed to go down. When we came to a year when
there was a low rating, we each made a list as to what was going on that year that could have
caused it to have a low rating.
For instance, in our case, we noticed that a year or so after the birth of our son, there were a lot
of added pressures financially that caused me to work much more, which in turn took me away
from home, leaving much of the household duties in Linda’s hands. We stopped doing fun
things together and generally both of us felt physically and mentally worn out. A consequence
of this was that we weren’t spending as much time working on us and our marriage.
The ironic thing is that our rating went up for a while after that, but eventually went down for
many of the same reasons. Again, history repeating itself.
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Even now there are times when one or both of us is bombarded with work or other
responsibilities that creates a disconnect of sorts between us. However, now we are much
more aware of the signs and are able to nip it in the bud quickly.
Even as recently as last week, we noticed that we weren’t able to be with each other much due
to some work and various other commitments with our children. We noticed it right away and
we were able to sneak away for a bit one night for a quickie date and a little bedroom time. We
also are planning another little getaway that we can look forward to. Again, it’s nothing
extravagant, but it’s something we enjoy and it allows us time together to talk, plan and laugh.
Surviving infidelity isn’t easy, and you would hate to go through all the work only to have it
happen again because you let history repeat itself. Try journaling your relationship and
marriage history to find out the why’s and when’s. Continue to update your journal frequently
now and as time goes on. Discuss your feelings about your ratings with each other and use it as
a guide for your future life together.
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After an Affair: Should You End the Marriage?
Virtually all of our posts on this blog to date have been geared towards helping couples save
their marriage or relationship after an affair. Sometimes however, after all the soul searching,
therapy, pain and emotions it becomes evident that the only conclusion that can be made is
that the marriage must come to an end. This can even be the case after you have been able to
restore the trust and honesty in your marriage.
Sometimes this is a result of the couple determining that the affair was simply a symptom of a
marriage that had already died. Or it could just be that one partner has made a final decision to
end the marriage regardless of the other person’s feelings.
It is true that sometimes the best possible outcome after an affair is the decision to end the
marriage, but it is important to try and not rush toward any decision of action. When you
discover your partner has had an affair there is an overwhelming wave of emotions. When a
person is at their most emotional state, they are less likely to see any potential for better
possibilities in the marriage. For this reason, it is wise to refrain from taking any action until
calm.
When it comes down to it, what we’re talking about is quality of life. Would your quality of life
be better if you remained married? Or would it be better if the marriage were to end? You
might want to ask yourself “What is the best and worst thing that could happen if I stayed, and
what is the best and worst thing that could happen if I left?”
The answers to the questions above may bring to light many different situations and
considerations that may lead you to reconsidering ending the marriage–or to the contrary.
Some things to consider:
•
How would divorce affect the children?
•
What about the financial issues?
•
How would a divorce affect your emotional well-being?
•
How would a divorce affect your mate’s emotional well-being?
•
How would your family respond to you getting a divorce?
•
Are you ready to get back into the dating scene?
•
Are you prepared for the possibility of living alone?
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The point is to examine your options thoroughly before you make any decisions. You have
choices. There’s no doubt that getting yourself strong and facing the future on squarely and
intelligently can have great results where you can imagine a future beyond your marriage and
survive just fine. You can give the marriage everything you have after an affair, and if the
decision is made to end the marriage you can feel all right about it.
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The Emotional Affair Made Me Feel Worthless
Last week I responded to a reader with a comment that getting over the fact that Doug couldn’t
love me was more painful than the affair, and several people replied, so I felt a need to write a
post about my experience.
When I first found out about Doug’s emotional affair he voiced confusion about what to do and
told me that he didn’t have loving feelings for me. He couldn’t put is finger on it but said I was
attractive, he enjoyed my company, cared for me, but he didn’t love me anymore. Those were
the most difficult words a spouse could hear.
I didn’t understand because even though he had lied and betrayed me I still loved him very
much and wanted to save our marriage. I couldn’t understand how he could have such strong
feelings for someone he knew only a short time compared to his wife, who had been by his side
for the last thirty years.
The words that he couldn’t love me were devastating. I believed that I wasn’t good enough to
be loved or unable to effectively give love to my husband. I started to question my physical
self, thinking I wasn’t pretty enough, my body wasn’t good enough, maybe I wasn’t successful
enough, or too successful, or maybe I just needed to change my personality.
In the end I truly believed I was worthless. So worthless that at times I didn’t want to live and
thought about ending my life. Thankfully my children were there to remind me that I was
important to them, and even though Doug didn’t love me, they loved me very much.
I would ask Doug daily or weekly for input about his feelings toward me, which usually came
with the same answer, “I am trying but the feelings are just not there yet.” And I would walk
away degraded and hopeless and wonder what I could do differently to make him love me
again. I tried everything and something deep inside of me kept me going without giving up.
Sometimes he would tell me that the reason he couldn’t love me because I was questioning him
too much about Tanya and the affair, and if I would back off maybe he could get those feelings
back. I would try to control myself and not bring up the subject but then something would
happen and I would blow it. Doug would become upset and I would hate myself for losing my
self control. Now I can see why my self esteem suffered so much during this time.
Ironically, about a month or so after Doug had ended his emotional affair with Tanya he
announced that his feelings for me were returning and he was falling in love with me again. I
thought when I finally heard those words that everything would be OK. This was the day I had
been hoping and praying for. But you know what? I didn’t feel a thing. At that point I had
been so hurt and defeated that I wasn’t sure I even cared. I almost felt that if he had waited a
little longer I would have told him that it was too late. I had learned to love myself more than I
needed for him to love me.
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I believe that those feelings of numbness and pain stayed with me for a very long time and I
would go back over the affair constantly trying to figure out why he couldn’t love me. After
much soul searching and research I finally realized that it wasn’t about me. I wasn’t unlovable
or worthless. I learned to love myself again and in turn figured out that even though I wasn’t
perfect, I was a good wife and a good person.
I am sure that some of you who have been hurt by an emotional affair are experiencing the
same kind of helplessness and feelings of worthlessness that I did. I want you to know that it is
possible for you to eventually come to terms with this and move on with your marriage. In the
next post I would like to explain how I came to grips with feeling unloved and how I rationalized
the pain.
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The Emotional Affair Made Me Feel Worthless
– Part 2
While writing this post my emotions took over and I began to feel the pain of all of this again. I
ran up to my little hiding place and had a melt down. It is amazing how all the negative feelings
can be released with a good cry. Of course Doug was confused and upset with my crying. I
know it was difficult for him to see me like that when all of this happened over a year ago. I
believe that when things are so hurtful we keep it locked up in a little box and try not to think
about them, until something triggers us to remember and we relive the pain like it happened
yesterday.
Anyways…to continue my story from yesterday…After Doug told me he had feelings for me
again and began to recommit to our marriage, I was the one that became ambivalent. I never
really let Doug know this but I was very afraid that I would never forgive and forget everything
that happened after I found out about his emotional affair. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to
love him like I should because I couldn’t get over the pain. I would wake up at night thinking I
deserved better. How could he have done this to me? Why was I still with someone who had
such trouble loving me? Doug would say that it seemed like I would bring up the affair just to
sabotage our relationship, and he was probably right because I wasn’t sure how I felt.
I was afraid that if I told Doug how I felt he would have believed that it was all about winning.
He had mentioned early on that the only reason I was working on our marriage now was
because he had found someone else, and since I took him away from her, I had won. I am sure
that idea was generated by Tanya, because as Doug knows I am not competitive or jealous, and
regardless of how this situation ended I was the loser. It was not at all about feeling like I had
won him from her, or a ploy to boost my self esteem. I married and committed to Doug
because I loved him and my feelings had nothing to do with her.
I knew that I had to do something to figure this all out and find a way to forgive and forget. I
began reading a lot to help me understand Doug’s feelings at the time. I know that his feelings
were very real to him. He also felt terrible that he couldn’t love me and that he would have
done anything to make it better. He just couldn’t pull himself away from the affair. I compiled
a list of ideas that I garnered from some of my best resources.
I believe Doug’s fascination with Tanya began well before his emotional affair. I sensed that he
may have been attracted to her for some time. In “Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof
Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship,” author M.Gary Neuman states
that we are attracted to other people on a daily basis. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we
don’t love our spouses or are in a terrible marriage. It just means we are alive. However, what
we do with those feelings is what we need to be careful about.
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I believe that Doug thought if he had feelings for another woman then there most be
something wrong with our marriage and how he felt about me. Then after the affair began, he
needed to convince himself that he didn’t love me. Why else would he be having an affair?
Together Doug and Tanya recreated the story of their marriages, which was not consistent with
reality. This story acted as a justification for having an affair. Over time, Doug believed this new
story and found every fault possible to confirm his beliefs. He also had Tanya there to discuss
his feelings of love and obviously she understood everything he was saying because she felt the
same way he did. It is amazing how unique and perfect their love was for each other.
In Don-David Lusterman’s book, “Infidelity: A Survival Guide,” he talks extensively about how
affair love is the most potent kind of infatuation. Consisting of a chemical high similar to
cocaine, addictive qualities and blind love. Looking back on Doug’s behavior during his
emotional affair, I can confirm that he was not himself.
While writing my previous post and thinking about how Doug treated me during that time, I
couldn’t believe it was the same man I married and the man that I see today. I guess the best
way to describe him was selfish, removed from reality and on a high. I have to believe that he
wasn’t thinking clearly at the time and therefore was confused with his feelings for me. He was
comparing his experience with Tanya to his married relationship with me. As we know,
unfortunately there is no comparison when you want to be seventeen again and escape your
mundane boring life. Infatuation is the better choice.
Dr. Huizenga’s words helped me tremendously when he said, “Overcoming infidelity means
coming to this awareness and strong belief that you are not at fault, defective, or to blame for
his actions. Accept the fact that you made some mistakes, but who in a relationship of
investment doesn’t. Mistakes in a marriage are often fertile grounds for learning and growing.
Come to the realization that the decision to enter the affair was his personal decision.”
I’ve wondered if I was justifying my love for Doug by making excuses as to why he couldn’t love
me, but I truly believe during those eight months of his emotional affair that he really did love
me. I don’t think I was being stubborn or stupid, as it was a feeling that I had in my heart that I
wouldn’t let go. I knew that there had to be a reason why he couldn’t love me. Something
more than simply falling out of love with me and was suddenly in love with someone else.
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Surviving Infidelity: The Four Rules of Marriage
There are some of you who are further along in the recovery process than others. Surviving
infidelity now has become more a process of strengthening yourself and your marriage instead
of dealing with the immediate aftershocks of D-day.
Dr. Willard Harley, in his book “Surviving an Affair,” has four rules of marriage that can guide a
couple to total recovery from an affair. Harley claims that without his four rules you will
certainly fail in your efforts at surviving infidelity.
Rule #1: The Rule of Protection
In a nut shell, you and your spouse avoid being the cause of each other’s unhappiness. This can
include such tendencies to be angry, disrespectful or selfish. It’s important for you both to
agree on virtually anything you do, as one spouse’s actions affect the other either positively or
negatively. This rule will also encourage you to work out any conflicts in a way that is mutually
acceptable. This in turn should help you to create a life that both of you will enjoy.
Rule #2: The Rule of Care
This rule applies to discovering and understanding your spouse’s most important emotional
needs, and then fulfilling those needs in a way that is mutually enjoyable. Piece of cake, right?
Rule #3: The Rule of Time
This rule tries to take a couple back to when they were dating. The premise is that the only way
that you can be successful with “The Rule of Care” is to spend time with your spouse, giving
them your undivided attention. Much as you did when you were first dating. In fact, Harley
suggests 15 hours a week. During this time you will attempt to meet each other’s needs of
affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. That’s a lot of
together time, for sure.
While discussing this post last night, Linda and I were trying to recount the hours we spent
together last week where we were alone and giving each other our undivided attention. That
means no kids, no TV and no computer, etc. Sad to say, last week we didn’t’ come very close to
15 hours. The point is that yes, it can and will be difficult, but isn’t your marriage worth the
extra effort to make it happen? Plus, you can make it fun, exciting and romantic just as you did
when you first started dating.
Rule #4: The Rule of Honesty
I think this statement from Dr. Harley sums this rule up nicely: “…honesty means never leaving
your spouse with the false impressions about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes,
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personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future.” Honesty is essential for your marriage
to be safe and to succeed. It will bring you closer to your spouse emotionally and will prevent
any destructive behaviors from forming.
To be successful at surviving infidelity and creating a strong and happy marriage in the future,
following Dr. Harley’s rules can a great game plan for making that happen. But don’t just set
the rules and go from there. Schedule regular review sessions (part of your 15 hours!) to make
sure that you are making steady improvement. Taking these steps can help you recover and
achieve the marriage that you have always wanted.
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Sex, Stress, Hormones and Happiness After the
Affair
I have read all of John Gray’s books in the past, and recently picked up his new one called,
“Venus on Fire Mars on Ice.” It has a lot of the scientific data that I enjoy absorbing. I haven’t
realized this about myself until after the affair, but I am somewhat of a geek. I love gathering
data, research and information to help me understand life’s problems.
The insert of the book promises to provide the knowledge required to “…ensure a steady supply
of feel-good hormones for you and your partner.” He states that he would teach me about
stress hormones, especially the ways that they harm our health and complicate our ability to
relate to one another.
Perfect! This is exactly what I need to replicate the feel good hormones that Doug experienced
during his affair and transfer them to our marriage. I can’t say that I have totally read the book
from cover to cover yet, as I am one who likes to skim the book, read the chapters that interest
me, then go back and read the entire book.
The chapter that caught my eye was “Love, Sex and Happiness.” Gray states that in a mature
relationship love is not a feeling, but rather a way of being–a decision. If we are to love we
must avoid the trap of behaving however we may be feeling on any given day. That puts love on
a seesaw with us; down one day, up the next.
He also says that love doesn’t grow from being adored. It grows when it persists and endures
through times when we or our partner are difficult to love (like after the affair). Ultimately, we
should not love to get what we want or need. Love should be its own reward. To feel love as a
result of our own deliberate actions and responses is a far greater experience than the love we
feel in response to someone else’s behaviors and actions toward us (affair love). We can only
sustain love through genuinely making sacrifices to give our support.
Gray believes that in order to give this support we must learn to support ourselves. We must
learn to create our own fulfillment if we expect to give others what they need. He emphasizes
the 90% rule–90% of feeling good is entirely our responsibility. We gain our sense of well being
through the people and activities we bring into our lives. Do not include your partner among
these people because they are only 10% of your happiness.
I had difficulty grasping the 10%, however Gray believes that it eliminates the blame game. You
can’t blame your partner for everything that goes wrong in your life. He believes that the 90%
takes us back to ownership of our well-being. He is mainly talking about stress and questions if
we are taking care to reduce the stress that complicates and weighs down all the good things in
life.
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Stress is the real troublemaker in our lives and blaming our partners for our stress-based
unhappiness only increases the stress. Gray states that the single most important thing we can
do for our health and the health of our relationships is to reduce stress.
Gray goes on to elaborate detail of how we should reduce our stress. He believes sex is the cure
for much of what ails us. Doug has been telling me that for years, but I thought is was just a
ploy to get me in bed. Sex has the ability to reduce stress, improve health, and enhance
communication.
Frequent sex raises the production of our feel-good hormones: testosterone for men, oxytocin
for women. When sex is combined with feelings of love and affection, the act triggers an even
greater release of hormones. That’s all I need to know!
The next stress reducer is taking responsibility for our own happiness. In order to find
happiness we need to look for love and support aside from our partners. I have some
apprehension about this because so many other relationship experts discuss the importance of
spending time with your partner, and establishing clearly defined boundaries with respect to
other relationships. Gray, on the other hand, seems to encourage outside stimulation. He gave
a list of suggestions on how to find happiness aside from our partners: Look to yourself, to
work and coworkers, rest, recreation, hobbies, vacations with friends, schedules, priorities,
family members, therapy, support groups, etc. I am sure you get the idea.
He cautions though, that these activities will only be effective and benefit your relationship if
you develop the right attitude. If a person begins to look at this support as something we are
not getting from our partner, we begin to resent our partner. Instead of feeling gratitude and
fulfillment from the love we are getting other places we use it to justify our feelings of
victimhood. The more we get from the world, the more we resent that our partner can’t or
won’t provide the same kind of support.
I found the book very interesting especially the chapter on stress and how it effects our
hormones, our relationship and basically everything in our lives. It helped me to understand
why I act the way I do after the affair when I am under a lot of stress, and how important it is to
try to control the stress in my life.
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After the Affair: I Want More
I was reading some of the comments this weekend and I felt that so many of them had the
same theme and many of the same problems voiced by the betrayed spouse after the affair. I
also felt the same sentiment but I really couldn’t put my finger on just what it was. I guess at
times I just feel empty. I know that our marriage is better than it has been in a long time. Our
relationship is great and the time we spend together is enjoyable. For some reason I feel
something is missing. I want more from Doug but I am not sure what that is.
I brought this subject up with Doug in the hopes that he would be able to offer some insight. I
wondered why after the affair the betrayed spouse wants the perfect, happy marriage. Why
are we not happy to settle with mediocre? Are we setting the bar so high that no matter what
we do we will never be satisfied? Doug seemed to think that we want compensation for our
losses. We want our spouses to make up for all the hurt and pain. We want everything we
believed they had in the affair.
I am not sure if that is the case. It made me think about the book I read by Willard Harley,
“Surviving An Affair” and wondered if that could hold the key to my discontent. Harley says that
all of us have emotional needs, and an emotional need is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves
you with a feeling of happiness and contentment and when unsatisfied, leaves you with a
feeling of unhappiness and frustration.
After I found out about Doug’s emotional affair, he voiced that Tanya filled a void that was
missing in his marriage. I reacted by doing a lot of research on emotional needs and meeting
the needs of my husband. I know that I have tried to do everything to figure what Doug was
missing in our marriage and feel that I am doing a pretty good job at meeting his needs. I feel
for the most part he is happy and content.
Now I am trying to figure out what my problem is. Why I am feeling happy one day, and
unsatisfied with my marriage the next. Could it be that Doug hasn’t figured out how to meet my
needs? Harley states that the five emotional needs that men usually place at the top of their list
are usually at the bottom of the list for women and vice versa. No wonder men and women
have so much difficulty meeting each other’s needs. Maybe he thinks if he does what I am
doing we will both be happy and content, but in reality only one of us would be happy.
Harley also discussed the concept of the love bank. When we are meeting each other’s most
important needs our love bank is being filled and “love units” are being deposited. When your
partner does things that make us feel bad, love units are withdrawn. Unfortunately, as we are
trying to deal with the emotions after the affair, our spouses are withdrawing love units from
our account–even though the affair has ended. Just thinking about it can cause the “love units”
to be withdrawn.
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Harley provides an emotional needs questionnaire in his book and I am going to suggest to
Doug that we both fill it out because at times I am not really sure what my needs are, and I
need a refresher course on what Doug’s needs are. I am hoping that maybe this will help with
me with my empty feelings I sometimes have after the affair. Maybe if Doug can learn to meet
my most important emotional needs consistently, my “love bank” will be completely full and
everyday I will feel love and happiness.
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The Emotional Affair Has Made Me Unsure of
Myself
Your comments from my post from yesterday were insightful and helped me to make a move in
the right direction. I believe that I should personally deal with this emptiness feeling and figure
out what is missing in my life after Doug’s emotional affair. I am not looking for a quick
solution. I am just trying to find meaning.
Jeffrey asked some good questions about if I had felt this emptiness before the affair. Looking
back I can honestly say I didn’t. I had a rewarding career. I always felt very fulfilled as a wife
and mother. I had many interests and hobbies that kept me very busy. I had friends. In fact,
these are all still present today.
The only time I began to feel like something was missing–ironically enough–was when Doug
began his emotional affair. I remember watching an Oprah show about a book she was
promoting and some of the guest’s comments made me think about my own life. At the time, I
attributed my feelings to the kids getting older and them not needing me as much. Looking
back though, I believe it had more to do with Doug and the feeling that he was pulling away
from me, which in turn made me feel helpless.
Even though our marriage was not perfect, and at times we neglected each other, I always felt
that we were one. That we had the same commitment, dreams and feelings for each other.
When I think about Tanya being jealous when Doug would spend time with me and his family, I
almost laugh because we have always done everything together. There are few families that are
as close as ours. Doug’s emotional affair shattered everything I thought we had. I wondered if
the past was all a lie. Was I living in a fantasy world?
Perhaps I am still grieving the loss of what I thought we had. I know at times I just feel really sad
and I can’t pinpoint why. I know that what we have now is different. But is it better? Are we
being “real” with each other or are we trying to prevent another affair? I guess the question we
need to ask each other is what we really want from our marriage. What do we need from each
other?
I think in many ways we are being too cautious. We’re trying to do everything right and by the
book. We’re afraid to put our relationship off balance, and afraid to hurt each other. I know
that I am trying to be too perfect by following every idea from every book I read and from every
relationship expert. I am also afraid to be myself. I don’t completely trust myself to be a good
wife or Doug to love me unconditionally. I am afraid he will stop loving me when I have a bad
day or not as affectionate as I should be. He has told me to trust him and that he will not stop
loving me– but I am still insecure.
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I just want the passion back into my life. I let that die the day I found out about the emotional
affair. I allowed something that was beyond my control take a part of me and I am having
difficulty getting it back. I believe that I have been focusing so much on this affair and how to
save our marriage that I have lost what really makes me happy. I know it is right in front of my
eyes, living under my roof and around me everyday. I am just having problems embracing it. I
don’t want to be disappointed and hurt again.
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A Reader’s View of Her Husband’s Marital
Affair
Quite coincidentally, we received an email yesterday from one of our readers who had some
words to share regarding marital infidelity as an addiction. After getting her permission, we
thought it would be an interesting and thought provoking piece to post.
Compared to many people that have shared their opinions on affairs, she has somewhat of a
unique stance regarding the way that she feels that she should have dealt with her husband’s
marital affair (addiction).
Here is her post:
“My main reason for emailing, is to ponder something pretty controversial with you. I feel that I
am further along in the healing business than many of your other correspondents so I am a bit
shy to post what I am about to write. I am not sure how it will go down with some of the others
– there is so much sadness, anger and bitterness out there (which I fully recognize – I went
through it too, for about 2-3 years) and I think what I am writing today may provoke a pretty
negative response so I’ll leave it to you whether you wish to use it on the site or not. I won’t
mind if not, but I would be interested in your opinions.
I do think of my husband’s emotional affair as an addiction he found hard to fight.
With any other addiction I would have tried to be there for him. Who else should he have turned
to than his wife, for help, support, encouragement, love, to help him through? To help him kick
his destructive habit? With something like infidelity, naturally, it was perhaps understandable
that I couldn’t do that, and shouldn’t be expected to…and yet, should I have done so?
All addictions destroy relationships, careers, lives; all addictions involve danger, lies, betrayal –
is this really that different? His lies, his wanton deception in order to “feed his habit,” his
irrational behavior, some of the crazy things he said – now these things all point to a struggle
against addiction. And where was I during this time? Hitting out at him. Screaming. Crying.
Sinking into deep depression. In my own struggle against recreational alcohol and caffeine. Even
suicidal fantasies. All perfectly understandable from a wife in my position…but constructive and
helpful? Where do you draw the line in what is expected or appropriate of a life-partner?
Somewhat humbling, this morning while thinking about this question I remembered that, just a
few years ago, my husband put aside his own prejudices and disapproval to help and counsel a
younger member of the family who got himself involved in drugs. This was a difficult situation to
face – hurtful and disappointing to my husband that the boy should have chosen this course.
That he should have “weakened” to something that gave him such a kick, and yet was so
damaging at so many levels. And yet, without asking questions or judging this youngster, my
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husband was unfailing in his support for him, who was able to deal successfully with his
addiction, and with the reasons he was tempted down that route, and it has never been a
problem again.
My husband’s example was one which, when faced with a similar situation, I couldn’t follow. I
couldn’t at that time muster the strength or wisdom.
Well, that’s how I now see it and thinking of it this way is helping me at the stage I am
now…but, even if I had had the wisdom to see this at the time it was going on, I don’t suppose I
would have reacted any differently to the way I did!
And of course, I still believe that although many common themes have emerged from the
responses on your site, all affairs are not the same and that this may not, in any case, apply to
everyone else – it just seems to work for me.
I close by saying how much your site has helped me. I had stalled in the healing progress until I
discovered you and we have made such progress since…”
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Newsflash: The Affair Fog has Lifted!
I was out running some errands yesterday when my phone ran, and it was my brother. At first I
was hesitant to answer because I have not talked to him since our weekend together several
weeks ago. I decided to pull away from him a bit because I couldn’t support what he was doing,
but I didn’t want to alienate him either, so I just pretended he didn’t exist for a few weeks.
My brother called to update me on the situation. I was afraid at first of what he possibly would
tell me, but luck would have it I was pleasantly surprised. He has emerged from his “affair fog”
and has decided to break off the relationship with the other women. I couldn’t believe it,
because only weeks before he had appeared to be so “in love.”
Apparently, he has come to the realization that she wasn’t the one, that he had a lot of work to
do on himself, and that he would like to try and work on his marriage. He has been visiting a
therapist every week, who has outlined a plan to help him reach his goals.
I wondered what happened. My brother said she was driving him crazy by trying to manipulate
him, acting differently from when they first met, and was beginning to show her faults. I was
shocked!
Several months ago when my brother first told me about his extra marital affair
he had used the same words as Doug did to describe the other woman: confident, outgoing,
fun, talkative, easy going. Ironically he used the same words yesterday as Doug did after the
affair: jealous, insecure, flirtatious, controlling, nitpicky. I wonder… do all women having an
affair have the same personality type, or did Doug and my brother choose the same kind of
affair partner? It was amazing to hear the similarities of the two situations.
Every night I had prayed for this outcome for strictly selfish reasons. If his relationship would
have been successful, everything I believed about affairs would be false and then I’d be unsure
of where I would be. I have learned a lot by watching an affair from the outside looking in. I
was honestly in a good place– not too emotionally involved, yet having enough knowledge and
insight to understand the situation. My brother’s situation has confirmed much of what I have
learned about affairs:
Most affairs end. It takes time and exposure, but they will eventually die. I also know that my
brother will probably return back to the OW several times before it is completely over. He will
tell her that it is over. She will become upset and he will call to see how she is. She will
promise that she will not act that way anymore, and that wasn’t how she really is. She will tell
him how wonderful he is and he will be back in her arms. He will feel smothered again, and
leave until he finally gets the guts to call it off completely.
Affairs are not about love. They are all about the partners’ desire to have that “in love”
feeling. They are about having a really great time while you are stroking each other’s egos.
Looking back at their behavior, I can’t deny that they were enjoying each other’s company– but
was it love? If it was love, how can his feelings change so quickly? Three weeks ago my brother
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thought she was the best thing that walked on this planet and was ready to give up millions of
dollars along with his family. Now he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her. Is that real
love?
Backing off can be effective. I am beginning to convince myself that the best plan when your
spouse is involved in an affair is to back off and let it run its course. My sister-in-law had to
back off because she was thousands of miles away. She had no choice. This allowed my
brother to experience the whole relationship. It didn’t take much time for him to see that she
was not the perfect woman for him. His affair partner was able to do that on her own without
any outside influence. Yesterday he even compared his wife favorably over the OW and
resented that the OW would put her down. There is something said for history and loyalty to
your family. I believe the best attack would be to let your husband see you moving on with
your life, be supportive–not a doormat, and then let the affair partner dig her own grave.
The “affair fog” is thick. When a person is in the “affair fog” they are not thinking clearly and
you cannot reason with them. Three months ago I told my brother the same things I told him
yesterday. He wouldn’t listen to any of it. Yesterday he understood what I was saying
and agreed with most of it. He even stated that he wanted to learn more about affairs, and
wanted to move on with his life, which meant contacting his wife and mending fences with his
children again.
I can’t tell you how happy I am that the “affair fog” has lifted from my brother’s head. It is a
potentially wonderful thing for our entire extended family. I must admit I had some selfish
motivations for this to happen, and it actually feels like a giant weight has been lifted and I can
take a big sigh of relief.
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After Ending An Affair: Get Past the Grief
Recently we have blogged about infidelity as an addiction, and many of the comments and
emails that we have received mention how hard it is for an infidel to not only leave their affair
partner after ending an affair, but also to get over them sufficiently enough to move on to save
the marriage.
Anytime that we lose a love, whether we are the one who leaves, or we are left by another,
there is pain that often leaves lasting wounds. Just as the victim of a marital affair deals with
the triggers that jump start painful memories from their spouse’s affair, so too does the
cheating spouse feel the emotional pains after they have ended the affair whenever thoughts
of their affair partner surface due to certain triggers.
These emotional pains can make it very difficult for the cheating spouse to stay away and
completely give up their affair partner. That is why they tend to have a hard time breaking
things off completely, or if there is any contact at all, the affair can start up again.
Daniel Amen, M.D., author of “The Brain in Love,” states that there are actual physical changes
in the brain that reflect this grief. Amen offers a few tips on how to survive the loss of a love:
Stay healthy. Avoid the typical reactions to grief such as isolating yourself, eating and drinking
too much or wallowing in your sorrow. Instead, exercise more and spend time with your spouse
(if possible) and family or friends.
Do not idealize the other person. By focusing on a person’s good qualities, the pain will
increase. It impairs the grieving process and makes one hurt more. Amen suggests taking time
to write out the bad times and your ex’s bad points and focus on them to help soothe the pain.
Cry, then hide the pictures. Allow yourself to feel the pain initially after the affair. Crying is a
wonderful release. Yes, men, even for you. After a good cry, eliminate all the triggers that will
constantly remind you of the other person. Get rid of the pictures, gifts and letters.
Additionally, you should wipe any possible triggers from your computer like emails, Facebook,
etc.
After doing these things it is imperative to try to rebuild the passion in your relationship with
your spouse. Passion isn’t necessarily all about sex either. Wikipedia defines passion as an
“emotion applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion
compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for something.” You had passion for your spouse at
some point in your relationship. Work like hell to get it back.
Surviving infidelity and rebuilding the passion in your marriage after ending an affair can take
time and hard work, and there will be many bumps along the road. But you can’t even get on
that road if you can’t get the affair partner out of your brain and get past the grief. If you are
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the victim of an affair you can choose to remain angry and combative during this stage, or you
can be supportive and helpful.
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Surviving Infidelity: Follow Your Pain
Dr. Robert Huizenga is a well known expert on surviving infidelity. In fact, he is referred as the
“Infidelity Coach.” He recently has written a new book entitled, “The First Step in Surviving
Infidelity – From Basket Case to Making Your Cheating Spouse Blink,” and we were asked to
review it prior to it being published. One of the chapters in the book that recently came to
mind deals with the questions that you should ask when confronted with infidelity. These
questions form a baseline and beginning point so that you can break free from the affair, save
your marriage or move ahead and redesign your life and relationships.
The one question that I thought was unique was “What Do I Think about in My Worst
Moments?” The answers to that question though, can help you confront the pain and lead you
to realizations of what is vitally important to you. Here is an excerpt from the book that deals
with this question:
What Do I Think about in My Worst Moments?… “Now that question may seem rather strange,
because most of us don’t want to go there. We don’t want to go there because it probably is
exceedingly painful, and we are naturally trying to get rid of this pain or we try to alleviate it.
We may medicate ourselves because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may drink ourselves
into oblivion because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may shop till we drop because we
don’t want to feel the pain. We may try to escape to some island because we don’t want to feel
the pain. We will try to go somewhere so that we don’t feel the pain.
It is very common to try to not feel the pain, not to think about our worst moments.
But I want you to think about your worst moment, and here’s why.
What is pain? Pain is a belief that I want something, and I’m not getting it. I want something
that’s extremely important for me, and it’s not happening.
Now let’s relate this to infidelity.
Infidelity may trigger thoughts like… I’ve always dreamt of having a family — of having a loving,
warm, beautiful family — and it’s in jeopardy right now. That’s what I think about in one of my
worst moments.
Or pain may mean I always thought that I was going to live with someone forever and that we
would have a happy life. I never dreamt that I would get divorced, and now it’s a possibility.
Pain may mean I’ve always wanted others to be proud of me, to be successful, and now with
this I feel like a failure. I feel extremely sad that I’ve failed.
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Or it may mean that I have always put hope on being a sexually desirable person. I wanted to
be wanted, and now I’m cast aside. And, I’m sexually replaced by someone else.
So this is your pain. This may be part of your pain. Enter into this pain. Face it.
And you ask yourself, “When I feel this pain in my worst moments, what are the thoughts?
What is it that’s really, really important to me?”
Your pain will lead you to that place in which you discover what is vitally important for you.
So follow your pain, and your pain will lead you to your dreams, your hopes, and your
aspirations.
And if you have a difficult time facing the pain, ask yourself, “What does this mean that I feel
this pain? What does it mean that I’m thinking this? Continue to ask yourself that question.
I’m in my pain. I must want something. What does it mean to me that I’m here? I use this
statement with people sometimes who are in pain. I say, “Gold is refined through intense heat.”
For more info on “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity – From Basket Case to Making Your
Cheating Spouse Blink” you can go to this website: http://www.break-free-from-theaffair.com/ebook-surviving-infidelity.htm
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Your Marital Affair: Should You Confess?
There has been a lot of discussion lately about whether a cheating spouse should confess their
marital affair to his/her partner. There are basically two schools of thought on this—Yes or No.
And to be honest, there are valid arguments that exist for both schools of thought. We’re not
going to come right out and tell anyone that they should, or shouldn’t tell because every
situation and relationship is different. The decision to tell is one’s own, but it is important to
evaluate yourself and your relationship and make a decision that you feel is right.
Do Tell
Susan Berger, MFT from the San Francisco area says that “If you are having a secret affair and
still trying to carry on your primary relationship as though nothing has changed, you are under
an illusion, which is; what you are observing about your primary relationship is unaffected by
your secret.” In other words, you may think that you can carry on a marital affair without it
affecting your marriage, but you are sadly mistaken.
I can speak from experience on this. I tried to keep things a secret from Linda. In my mind I
justified this because I didn’t want to hurt Linda, and I didn’t want my marriage to end and lose
my family to boot. As the relationship went on with Tanya, my actions towards Linda and my
family were affected in a major way. I became more distant and aloof and didn’t treat them
with the respect that they deserved. I was in my own little selfish egotistical world. Linda felt
unloved and unappreciated.
Berger, expands upon this very phenomenon when she says that (by not confessing) “… you are
altering your experience of your partner. No matter how much you may deny this, the very act
of deception leads to their devaluation. That is because you now know this partner as someone
who is being duped. As such, the power dynamic changes, you are in control and your respect
for your partner begins to erode.”
There are also a myriad of ethical and moral considerations that point towards confession.
There is the whole living with the guilt and the feeling that at some point the truth would
eventually come out anyways. Then what? Are these things that you would be prepared to live
with?
I wonder as I’m writing this if things would have been any different at all if I would have
confessed before Linda found out on her own. I believe that indeed they would have been. I
think that though still painful, the situation would have been easier to work out. There would
have been less lies, deception, arguments, and raw emotions and more honest evaluation of
our relationship and how to make our marriage better and stronger.
Don’t Tell
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There is a somewhat prominent author, whose name escapes me at the moment, who feels
that in no way shape or form, should a cheating spouse tell their partner of a marital affair—
except in the instance where not knowing may have an adverse effect on the health, safety and
well being of their spouse and/or family.
I suppose that this would entail issues like STDs, gun toting jealous husbands, and “Fatal
Attraction” type women.
The main argument against confessing is basically that telling will only make YOU feel better,
and your spouse feel worse. It’s the old “ignorance is bliss” mentality. I can’t say that this has
no merit, as I once subscribed to this theory completely.
The other argument is that confessing could backfire on you, and though you may have
expected forgiveness and the opportunity to work out your marital difficulties, the result could
actually be that your spouse kicks your ass out of the house.
There are no “do overs” in love. Once Pandora’s Box is open there is no closing it and putting all
the dirty secrets back inside. The relationship has changed forever. It will never be the same
and will never go back to the way it was before you confessed. Your spouse may never trust
you again. Even if there is a “forgive,” there will never be a “forget.” Your spouse will always
have doubt about you in the back of his/her mind.
Whether or not a person ever confesses a marital affair to their partner, there’s at least one
person they should get real with – themself. Figuring out how and why they ended up in the
predicament – or predicaments, if cheating is a recurring theme – would serve well towards
creating a life with more integrity and fulfillment.
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A Marital Affair is Like Shoe Shopping
I am having a difficult time understanding what is so appealing about a marital affair because all
I can see is the hurt and devastation. I search daily trying to find something or someone who
can articulate it to me. Those involved in the affair appear to have a difficult time with this as
they are unable to really pinpoint the attraction.
The best book I have read on this is “Torn Asunder” by Dave Carder, and it gave me a glimpse
into the process. But I want more. So I began thinking about it in my own terms, trying to find
something that I can relate it to that will help me understand the appeal. So I chose shopping. I
enjoy shopping– a lot. I can see how it can become an addiction, so I thought I would relate
shopping to a marital affair.
In the beginning when I would have an extra hour or two I would head to the mall and look at
some attractive shoes. I wasn’t really into shoes but they did look good. I would like to buy
them, but I really didn’t need them because I had a good pair at home. But my old pair wasn’t
giving me the same feeling I had when I first wore them, they were becoming dull and worn
out.
One day I decided to try on a pair. When I put the shoes on they felt wonderful and I looked
fantastic. Everyone in the store commented how great I looked. I decided I needed those shoes.
When I wore the shoes I felt beautiful, I felt alive. So I decided I needed to feel that way all the
time so I continued to buy more shoes. The more I bought the better I felt.
After I while I found myself thinking about new shoes more than I thought of my job, my family,
my husband. I couldn’t wait until lunch so I could head to Macy’s. I also found myself hiding my
new shoes from my husband because he wouldn’t understand why a woman would need so
many. Obviously he wouldn’t understand how good they made me feel.
I began to feel guilty about hiding my shopping from my husband. I would feel great in the store
but as soon as I got into the car I would feel terrible. So I would call a good friend of mine who
loved to shop just as much as I did. She understood my needs; she would tell me I deserved
these shoes and how great I looked when I wore them. I would call her often after a splurge and
she would make me feel better.
Eventually all the shopping caught up with me. The credit card bill arrived and I was busted. My
husband told me I had to stop. I was relieved he found out, as I agreed with him because my
shoe shopping was out of control and I was beginning to hate it.
The strange thing is I couldn’t stop. Something that really wasn’t that important to me a month
ago suddenly became something I couldn’t live without. I loved the feeling I got when I wore
new shoes. All the attention and comments made me feel great and now that it was forbidden I
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wanted them even more. Everywhere I looked I saw shoes. I would walk past store windows
just to get a glimpse. I didn’t know what I was going to do without that feeling.
Then I decided to focus on other things — my family, my husband, my job. I threw away all my
purchases and found other ways to spend my time and my money. You know I don’t miss my
new shoes. I don’t miss the negative feelings I had when I was buying them and the good
feelings I received when I was wearing them. I realized those feelings weren’t real; they were
my own selfish way of trying to receive love and affirmation.
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Healing From Infidelity: 8 Steps to a Stronger
Marriage
The whole process of healing from infidelity is meant to help you analyze the vulnerabilities
that existed in your marriage before the affair and develop a strategy to repair or eliminate
those vulnerabilities and then emerge from the process with a strong and happy marriage.
Rebuilding the marriage can often take quite awhile to do and is not easy. In fact, couples need
to take care not to allow the trauma from the affair to push them into repeating the harmful
patterns that may have actually caused the infidelity in the first place.
Patience with one another is key, as both the cheating spouse and the betrayed spouse need
time to transition back into the marriage. It may take a long time after the affair for the
cheating spouse to reconnect with their spouse due to lingering thoughts and feelings for the
affair partner, along with a sense of grief from the loss of their affair relationship. The betrayed
spouse could potentially continue to have the roller coaster ride of emotions, insecurities and
thoughts of whether or not they really want to work to save the marriage.
One of my favorite books is “NOT Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. In the book, Glass recommends
several steps in the healing from infidelity process that should be worked on together:
The final farewell. If there was any doubt that the affair has ended, then it’s hard for the
betrayed spouse to be convinced that the affair is really over. Glass suggests that the cheating
spouse should go so far as to send a letter or make a phone call to the affair partner saying that
they have chosen to stay in their marriage out of love and not out of duty or for the sake of the
children. Any such communication should be a collaborative effort that should be sensitive to
the feelings of each spouse.
Get rid of reminders. The unfaithful spouse needs to ditch all the pictures, letters and other
“stuff” that has been kept as a remembrance of the affair. Perhaps it could be cleansing for
both of you to burn these souvenirs together.
Answer the questions. As betrayed spouses, we usually have tons of unanswered questions
that help us understand the meaning of the affair. I know that I constantly “torture” Doug with
my questions at times, but they are questions that I need to know the answers to in order for
the recovery process to continue. But what is interesting is that even though I ask him the
same questions over and over, there is always new light that is shed on the affair each time I
ask.
Repair the damage. The cheating spouse needs to soothe their partner when those nasty
triggers pop up. This involves more patience and communication on the part of the unfaithful
spouse, but at the same time we as betrayed spouses need to respond favorably to their efforts
to comfort us. By doing this, it helps to get past the anger and blame that we all feel.
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Readjusting barriers. Glass uses the analogy of “walls” and “windows” when she refers to the
process of keeping the love and intimacy within your marriage and protecting it against outside
“intruders” at the same time. This involves being transparent with each other including telling
the betrayed spouse if ever there might be encounters with the affair partner. This is especially
important if the unfaithful spouse still works with their affair partner. This helps to build trust.
Another concept that is important here is to constantly maintain communication as to what is
appropriate and acceptable behavior when it comes to interaction with members of the
opposite sex.
Restoring trust. This is a subject all by itself, but the important thing to remember here is that
openness, accountability, respecting boundaries and honesty are the key elements. If these
elements are adhered to, then eventually the cheating spouse will earn the right to have the
leash lengthened a bit.
Rewriting memories. I think Glass states this best when she says: “Although you cannot erase
the painful past , you can create promising new chapters.” This will allow us to “reclaim
territory, activities, and settings that were connected to the affair.” For instance, if a past
Christmas was ruined due to the affair, then be sure to make this Christmas an extra special
celebration.
Cleaning it up. Infidelity can cause many consequences that reach far beyond just the
relationship of the couple themselves. Family members, friends and children can be put in
difficult positions as a result. There could also be issues such as pregnancies, STDs, debts or
loss of jobs that need to be addressed. Such immense fallout from the affair may need to be
addressed with the help of a qualified professional.
When you have successfully worked through this process of healing from infidelity each of you
will have a better chance of recovery and ultimately moving on from the trauma that has been
caused by the affair to a better, stronger, happier marriage.
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Emotional Affair: Getting Them to Let Go
One of the most pronounced misconceptions about affairs is that they end completely when
the spouse finds out. Most people believe when the victim confronts their spouse about having
the affair the spouse will admit guilt, promise to never do it again, bow down and kiss their
feet, send flowers etc.
Well I can tell you from experience that is not the way it always happens and that was the most
difficult part of recovering from infidelity — knowing that Doug couldn’t or wouldn’t let it go.
He said that he was relieved I found out and that he had wanted to end it, but why didn’t he?
What could I have done differently to help him break free from the affair?
In Dr. Robert Huizenga’s book “Break Free From the Affair” he discusses the seven different
kinds of affairs, the characteristics of the affair partners, what will happen, the chances of the
relationship lasting and what a spouse can do to increase the odds of saving the marriage.
I’m going to address the typical emotional affair, which Huizenga terms the “I fell out of love
(and just love being in love)” affair. According to Dr. Huizenga, this person has found a
“significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again “feels in
love.” They experience a high level of guilt and conflict because they are married to a good
person and their desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish and immature.
Intuitively they know that they are not on the right path. This person “looking for love” is
actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she
is close to perfect. This person needs to be adored or think another adores them. Being in love
fills their emptiness. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of this relationship, but
often it may end the relationship. The idealized images are held together by long phone calls,
love letters, texts, e-mails etc. (Can you tell I’m writing this for Doug’s benefit?)
The characteristics of a person who has fallen out of love and loves being in love is often
sociable, demonstrative, doesn’t think too deeply, easy impressed, can be manipulative, can be
very seductive, flirtatious and a tease, and likes to be around the opposite sex. These behaviors
often cover up the inner emptiness and contradictory feelings. Does this sound like anyone you
know?
Dr. Huizenga discusses what a spouse can expect to happen during their affair. He compares it
to a roller coaster ride. They will give all to their found “love” and at other times might find
their way back to you. The betrayed spouse will struggle with being ignored and feel that they
cannot provide the “love” this other person seems to provide. The cheating spouse will say “I
love you but I’m not in love with you.” They may depend on your stability, goodness and
understanding. The victim can also expect the feelings the cheating spouse has for their affair
partner to fade over time.
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So what is the best way to approach this type of emotional affair? According to Dr. Huizenga,
the best approach is to “back off!”
I know from first hand that hearing from your spouse that they love someone else is
devastating. For Doug to give himself to someone else emotionally tore me apart. When I
heard this from Doug, I responded by making several mistakes in that I tried to pull out all the
stops to win him back. All my efforts really had no effect when you come right down to it.
The reason is that Doug had found all the stimulation and excitement he needed with Tanya,
which in and of itself was a confusing thing to him. By me adding more “pressure” on him it
was overwhelming, and the result was that Doug basically closed the door to me. This
confusion was further fed by the fact that he was comparing Tanya to me, and all I was at the
time was a needy, depressed, desperate woman.
So what exactly does backing off mean? Basically you need to chill out. Stop asking questions.
Stop pressing. Slow down. Stop trying to get any assurances from him. Be patient, for this “in
love” feeling will fade and the affair will run its course. Eventually the cheating spouse will ask
himself questions about the affair relationship and realize that it is not true love. But he needs
the space to figure that out on his own. He doesn’t need you pressuring or cajoling him. And I
can tell you this ain’t easy!
To make backing off somewhat easier, I occupied my time and my mind by working on me and
doing some of the things that I wanted to do. But one other technique that I learned from
Huizenga’s book that I feel really worked to make Doug think about what he was doing was
contextualizing.
Basically this involved making comments to Doug about my observations of his affair. By doing
this I pointed him in a better direction. A good example would be me saying to him something
like “You know that the love you feel for her will eventually fade…” I didn’t say such things to
start an argument but to plant seeds in his head instead. It took time, but I truly feel that this
worked quite well.
In closing, I think this tip from Huizenga’s book about emotional affairs is great and I felt the
need to pass it along:
“If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for
yourself. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point.
Yes, you are OK. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within
her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person
with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and
actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions.
Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.”
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For more information about “Break Free From the Affair” you can go to Dr. Huizenga’s website:
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair/ebook
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Should You Go to Couples Counseling?
For many people, the idea of going to counseling can be uncomfortable and even intimidating.
For some of us, going to counseling, whether it’s a therapist, psychologist, doctor, or other
skilled professional makes us feel like failures because we couldn’t even manage our own lives.
For others letting some stranger in to our personal junk is unthinkable. Then there’s the
situation of a couple needing counseling, and now there are two people who have to be willing
to open up and come together and be real with each other and a stranger. The question
remains, when should a couple seek couples counseling?
Premarital Counseling
One form of couples counseling that every couple should have is premarital counseling. As the
name implies, this is something the couple does in the weeks and months leading up to their
marriage. The purpose of this counseling is not to deal with problems, such as those that may
need a rehab center, but to help the couple develop the skills to avoid them and think through
the practical challenges of joining two lives together. It helps a couple start talking about
decisions they will have to make such as whose family they will spend each holiday with, how
they will handle their finances, how to disagree constructively, if, when and how many children
they want to have, what church they will attend, etc.
Young couples in love often don’t think about what a big and potentially difficult life change
marriage will be. They’re usually too busy picking out party bags, flowers, and other wedding
essentials. Premarital counseling helps them connect with the realities of marriage instead of
the happily ever after dream. We venture to guess that if every couple that planned on
marrying would get premarital counseling that the prevalence of marital affairs would drop
drastically.
Counseling for Marriage Problems
Couples counseling after marriage usually arises because there is a stress in the marriage that
the couple themselves cannot resolve in a healthy manner–such as an affair. The philosophers
among us will tell us that any two reasonable adults should be able to solve anything. Those of
us who actually have had to live life and deal with people know that there are things in life that
it is impossible for anyone except a robot to deal with reasonably, because it’s so emotional
and so personal. Counseling can bring a couple together on neutral ground with an impartial
third party who by virtue of his impartiality is able to map out the path of reasonable
compromise. The important thing to remember about counseling, however, is that both parties
have to be willing to fight for their relationship and become better people. A counselor can
identify the causes and show people the way out, but they have to have the courage to walk
the path for themselves.
Finding a Therapist
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You can find a therapist a number of ways. One way is by talking with friends and neighbors
who may have used a particular therapist and found them to be helpful. You may also find a
good therapist by contacting the American Psychological Association or the American
Association for Marriage and Family Therapy for therapists in your area. There are also
counseling centers and hospital outpatient mental health centers in most communities.
Regardless of where you find a therapist, it is a good idea to contact the therapist to discuss
why you are coming in and to inquire about their training in general, particularly as it applies to
marital infidelity. This discussion should give you a feeling about whether or not you will be
comfortable working with this person.
During your first meeting with the therapist, he/she should give you an opportunity to
interview them further. This will give you the chance to ask more questions regarding their
training, their type of therapy and their marital infidelity experience. Don’t hold back here. Ask
all the questions you want and need answers for.
Here are a few more points to remember when considering a therapist for couples counseling
after an affair:
•
You have entered therapy for help based on the therapist’s experience training, and
caring — if any of these are missing, find another therapist.
•
Your therapist’s procedures should be explained to you clearly.
•
You are in collaboration with your therapist — the therapist is not your boss.
•
If you attend therapy together, you should each feel fairly heard and fairly treated.
Going to couples counseling, especially after an affair is an important step in the healing
process and vital for rebuilding your marital relationship. Don’t take it lightly. Pick a good
therapist that is marriage friendly and that is fair to both of you. If the therapist doesn’t work
out for whatever reason–find another one.
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Cheating Spouses Must Look Within
I came to another realization today about the mindset of cheating spouses. I just had a long
conversation with my brother and feel that he is beginning to look at his life and relationship
more realistically. One thing he said that I would like to pass on is his affair and the decisions he
made had less to do with the OP but rather what was going on and what was missing in his life.
She was just a diversion and he enjoyed her company and had a great time with her. But she
was not the real reason he left his marriage and had his marital affair. He had been missing
things both personally and within his marriage and she was just someone who temporary filled
that space.
Now I know that three months ago while he was in his “infatuation” stage he never would have
come to that conclusion. The newness has worn off now and they are both seeing traits in each
other that they have not experienced before, and my brother has realized this is not a person
he wants to spend his life with. What a shocker! (Heavy sarcasm)
I guess what my brother said confirms everything I constantly resist. To cheating spouses, it is
not about the OP. Sure they may be fun and offer things that their spouse cannot. This is due
primarily to the situation. But when it comes down to it, the affair (experience) acts as an
escape from the reality of their lives. In order to move on, the betrayer needs to figure out why
they needed to escape in the first place. They need to figure out what was missing and what
they are going to do to find it.
My brother said maybe he needs time alone to figure that out. I agree with that. He also said
that perhaps together with his wife they can fill the void. There are many possibilities for the
future, but he can’t fully see any of them until he removes himself from the OP–completely.
I believe that if our spouses had come to that conclusion and were completely honest about
their affair, we would have been more open to allowing them to figure out their lives. It takes a
long time for them to understand that the OP wasn’t what was missing in their lives, and that
she/he won’t be able to fill that void forever. They need to take a hard look at themselves and
do the work needed.
The affair allows cheating spouses to postpone the required deep thinking. They continue to
blame the marriage and their spouses for their emptiness, instead of looking within. The good
news is that my brother is willing to do that. I told him that it will not be easy, but hopefully he
will come to a place where he is at peace with himself and the people who love him.
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Do a “180” to Save Your Marriage
Michele Weiner-Davis has authored two books that I highly recommend: “ The Divorce
Remedy” and “Divorce Busting.” Unfortunately, I found these books a little later than I would
have liked, which was after months of trying to get Doug to let go of his emotional affair.
However, the contents of each book gave me hope and a new direction. I feel that many of
Weiner-Davis’ ideas helped me regain my power in our relationship and pull Doug out from
under the affair fog. If you want to save your marriage, I suggest taking some of her advice.
When I found out about Doug’s affair I did everything to bring him back to me. I called, texted
him constantly, made dates and followed him around. I basically gave up my life to be at his
side. I believed that if we spent more time together that he would remember what we used to
have and realize that he loved me. I also initiated “emotional” talks thinking that would bring
us closer. I basically did everything I thought was helpful, when in fact the only thing it did was
push him away.
I should have realized that it wasn’t working, but as many experts on infidelity will tell you it is
like a roller coaster ride. Some days it did appear that he was coming closer, but other days it
seemed we were back to square one. Weiner-Davis suggests that if you feel you have tried
everything to save your marriage and you still feel you are the only one making an effort, then
try the “Last Resort Technique” or the “180.” She states: “…when one person wants their
marriage to work, but the other doesn’t, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants
to preserve the marriage desperately pursues his mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the
alienation. Usually there’s pleading, begging, crying,-anything-to try to win back the spouse.
The more desperate the spouse wanting to keep the marriage alive appears, the less appealing
they become.” The betraying spouse sees their mate as trying to control them, which leads to
resistance.
Another downfall to appearing undesirable, controlling and pursuing is the situation allows the
cheating spouse from thinking about or feeling the real consequences of their actions. The
betrayer is thinking more about the struggle while defocusing on feelings of loss. She says that
the more you are trying to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, you are
making it easier for them not to think or feel these things because you are doing all the work.
You need to stop the chase and do a “180.”
I remember reading “ Break Free From the Affair” by Dr. Robert Huizenga and he says to “back
off” and let the betrayer experience the silence. Give them an opportunity to think about their
actions. Honestly I was afraid for Doug to think about what he was doing, thinking that he
would realize that he wanted to be with Tanya. Now I feel confident that if I would have
provided him the space to really think about what he had and what he was going to lose, he
would have made the right decision. I now know that being in his face confused him and made
it appear as if I was trying to control his actions.
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If you feel you have tried everything to save your marriage and your spouse is still showing
resistance, try doing a “180” and see if you notice a change. It may not come overnight, as
patience will be the key, but look for small signs that they are coming back to you. This will be a
time to focus on yourself, your needs and desires, and give your spouse time to think about the
mess they have created.
Please join us tomorrow night, August 17, at 5:00 ET for our free tele-seminar with Jeff Murrah,
and you will learn more tactics for surviving infidelity. The link to the registration page is here.
The conference will be available by telephone AND over the internet. So it doesn’t matter what
part of the world you are in, you can listen in without the long distance costs. Affairs are not
limited to countries of religions, as they are the number one threat to families and marriages
around the world.
If your marriage is in danger, or hopeless, you need to be there. It could very well be the
answers and hope that you were looking for.
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Cheating Spouses: Their Affair and Their Kids
We received an email from one of our blog readers who asked us to share a letter that her
daughter wrote to her husband. The letter shows the effects that an affair has on the children
of those involved. Cheating spouses don’t always realize (or don’t care) what their actions do
to the psyche of kids. Often they think that the child will take their side, are resilient or simply
won’t care. This letter demonstrated clearly that that is not always the case. In fact, I venture
to say that this letter reflects more accurately how a child feels about a parent’s marital affair in
most instances.
I know that when I was in the middle of my emotional affair with Tanya, I felt that sure, if my
kids ever found out they would be upset and distraught, but the “affair fog” that I was in
clouded my judgment and I was convinced that they would soon get over it and be able to
move on with little after effects. I now know just how stupid that mindset was.
When I read the letter it really hit home, and I’m so relieved that it didn’t get to the point
where I would have to explain or justify my hurting their mother the way that I did. My children
mean the world to me, and it would be more than devastating to lose their trust, respect and
love. What I did to Linda was horrible enough as it was, but to hurt them as well would have
made everything so much more terrible. I really could have lost everything that is most
important in my life.
Maybe I’m just a wuss, but I think that if more cheating spouses who have kids would consider
the effects that their actions are having outside of their affair bubble, there would be less
cheating in this world—or at the very least they would have more motivation to end the affair.
Here is a portion of the letter that demonstrates this girl’s feelings towards her father and his
affair:
“…Last of all, I’m not going to hate you forever. I don’t hate you now. I am just really
disappointed in you. I feel like you are no longer the person that raised me; the person that I
have always looked up to and wanted to be like. All of this has been very painful. I want you to
be happy and I understand your need to figure everything out, but it is an understatement to
say that you went about this the wrong way. Honestly, I feel sorry for you. You have, and will
lose so much because of your actions, and for what? I think you will find the trade-off less
than satisfying. (I still feel the same way about Rachel, and I’m sorry but I have to vent - I never
want to meet her, if she is someplace then I will not be there. If God forbid you stay together,
then I don’t want her at my graduation, my wedding, to meet my kids, nothing).
I’m sorry if any of this hurt your feelings. I will always love you and want a relationship with
you, but I’m just so mad at you right now. I’m anxious about what the future will hold for all of
us, but I guess only time will tell.”
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So for all of the cheating spouses out there, think about all the harm your actions can cause.
Not only the devastation that you inflict on your spouse, but also your kids. Perhaps you will
think twice before you have an affair, and decide to do whatever is necessary to fix your
relationship and save your marriage before it’s too late.
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Recovering From an Affair: Be More Bitchy?
I have realized that neither Doug nor I were completely at fault for our marital mess. I really
blame it all on stupidity. We really didn’t know what each other needed. I know that I didn’t
take my marriage lightly as that is not my personality. I always put 100% into everything I do
whether it is my career, my appearance, home, family and most of all being a good wife. If I
could have one thing in the world it would have been for Doug to love and admire me–
especially while recovering from an affair. I felt that I did everything to make that happen, but
unfortunately I followed the wrong path, made mistakes and went about it the wrong way.
I picked up a book recently called “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov. I was intrigued by
the title because I always thought that was the opposite of the way I tried to be (Doug may
disagree). I always tried to be the nice girl, accommodating and easy-going. Basically someone
my husband would want to be around. The book really opened my eyes. The book didn’t
recommend that you act like a bitch, but it talked more about not being a doormat. Rather, you
should display confidence, power and integrity. Reading this book made me realize that I had
become too nice, too predictable and too boring. I was trying to do all the right things making
life easier for Doug, while I should have gave Doug something to fight for instead. It’s like I
literally took away his manhood.
I am going to highlight two of the principles that hit home for me:
“Act like a prize and he will turn into a believer.” I am one of those women who have a hard
time taking compliments. I also seem to highlight my flaws instead of my attributes. Men love
confident women who know what they want. They don’t want someone who goes along with
their every whim.
“Let him think he’s in control.” He’ll automatically start doing things you want done because he
will always look like a “king” in your eyes. “When a woman acts as though she’s capable of
everything, she gets stuck doing everything”. This hits home because another mistake I made
was trying to do it all. I felt Doug would appreciate that I made his life easier. The more I did
the less Doug seemed to notice and the more upset and resentful I became. Little by little I
took responsibility for almost everything around the house because I wanted Doug to come
home and feel relaxed and proud that he had a wife that was so efficient. I learned that he
didn’t want a wife that could do it all. He wanted someone who would relax and spend time
with him.
There are many principles in the book that provide a reminder about remaining a confident
woman who puts herself first. The book pertains more to the dating woman, but someone who
is recovering from an affair can use the information so they do not become (or remain) a
doormat in the future. I found myself doing many of the behaviors that I now know
jeopardized my integrity and respect. My behaviors displayed a person who was needy,
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powerless and unconfident, and I wonder if I would have acted differently when I found out
about Doug’s affair if I knew then what I know now!
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Is The Cheating Spouse Living With Regret?
This weekend we met up with some of our old college friends and Doug’s fraternity brothers for
a enjoyable night out. Some of these guys we haven’t seen in over twenty years. It was fun
catching up on everyone’s lives, reliving old antics and feeling twenty again. For me it was
especially enjoyable because I was the only woman there who could completely appreciate all
the old college stories because I lived them as well. Doug and I met when we were freshman
and I was definitely a permanent figure at the fraternity house. I had a feeling of comfort
knowing that Doug and I have come so far and lived so much of our lives together. It was truly
a confirmation that having a history together bonds a couple like no other.
It was very disturbing to find out many of the men there are (or have been) divorced, with one
being on his third marriage. I listened intently to all the complications that have developed as a
result of divorce. There’s the switching back and forth of children, trying to move closer to the
ex-wife to be closer to the kids, etc. It was overwhelming to hear how difficult divorce is, and I
wonder if they could have looked into the future, would they have tried harder to save the
marriage.
I met one woman who was the “friend” of one of Doug’s frat brothers who also was divorced.
As we began talking, I found out that ironically her children attend the same schools and play
on the same sports team as our children do. We had a lot in common and talked for quite a
long time. She was telling me about how difficult it is being divorced and sharing custody of her
children. She said there isn’t a minute that passes when there isn’t some complication or
disturbance as a result of her divorce. She then began to tell me how she got into this mess,
and sadly it was because of her husband’s affair with a co-worker.
She said that it took her by complete surprise and that she never saw it coming. They were
going through a difficult time and were very busy working full time, taking care of the kids and
tending to her husband’s sick parents. Her husband found someone who gave him the
attention that was lacking at home. That right there makes me want to scream!
It seems to me that it’s a common thread that for some reason, the cheating spouse thinks that
the other person cares more for them than his own spouse does. I firmly believe that it is
usually not the case. It’s just that there isn’t enough time, opportunity or energy to give the
spouse as much attention as in the past due to all the stuff that life throws at us. But the poor
little deprived spouse isn’t getting enough attention, so they wander to the arms of another
person.
OK, sorry about that, I had to vent a little. Getting back to this woman…It has been six years
since this marital affair took place and I could still see the pain and anguish in her eyes. Her
story made me so angry because it represents how selfish affairs are. I wonder if her husband
ever looked past the moment to see the future and what a mess he was creating. His children
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will never again experience a life that is secure and normal. There will always be some kind of
drama because of the affair.
This woman told me that she is not even sure he is still with his affair partner, as she is still
married, and it is a subject that they do not bring up. The only thing they talk about is the
logistics of raising their kids. How sad to be so close to someone and spend a majority of your
life together and this is the end result. They probably share more feelings and emotions with a
complete stranger than they do with their ex-spouse.
I wonder how many marriages end because of infidelity with the cheating spouse regretting
their decisions. I wonder that once they make that decision, how difficult it is to turn around
and admit how wrong they were. I have to think that rarely is the other person worth giving
everything up for. The cheating spouse is giving up their family, friends, home, their past, their
assets, and almost everything in their life for this other person, who in many cases they hardly
even know. Can that one person fill all those spaces in their life and make them happy? That is
a large responsibility to put on one person.
It is different when a person is eighteen and has their whole life ahead of them. When they are
fifty and have so much history behind them, it is difficult for the cheating spouse to start again
from scratch after the affair. We have a lot of baggage to carry along with us as we grow older
and to give everything up like it didn’t exist would be virtually impossible.
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One Less Bird in the Nest
Another major thing that we did this past weekend was see our son off to college — away from
home — for the first time. I know that Doug is probably feeling the effects of our son leaving
more than I, because now he is the only male left in the house. In addition to his
premenopausal wife and teenage daughters, he also has a female dog and two female cats. My
challenge now is to find ways for him to build that testosterone level through sports, nights out
with the boys and good old competition.
Our son leaving is affecting me also, but I have no regrets. I have done a very good job at being
his mother and feel proud that he has grown up to be an independent, intelligent and caring
young man. All the sacrifices have been well worth it. Talk to me later though, when I have to
send my twin girls away in a few years. I hope that I will be able to let them leave home just as
easily!
Thinking about all of this takes me back to a conversation Doug and I had early on after my
discovery of his emotional affair. I told him how upset, hurt and angry I was that at this stage of
our lives he would decide to find someone else that he thought was better than me to live the
rest of his life with. I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and could start being
“me” again, instead of “mom,” and he wanted to jump off the boat for someone else!
Doug was confused about this. I think he couldn’t understand that I was still Linda. I was still
the person he had married, but I had to give some of “me” up to be a good mom. I think he
believed that I had forever lost all my free spiritedness, my craziness and was becoming a
boring stick in the mud. Not exactly the girl he married. He didn’t understand that as the years
progressed and we had more and more responsibility in our lives, that I had to let most of that
part of me go. I learned early on that I couldn’t stay up all night partying and get up to tend to a
baby. It is called taking responsibility as a mother, and I believe as a result, most mothers tend
to change and grow in different ways than most men do. But that’s a whole other subject!
He was also skeptical that I really wanted to be that “Linda” again. I think that shows how little
men understand women. I believe most of us moms have given more to our children than we
ever imagined we would, yet enjoyed every minute of it. However, when we look ahead we
want to begin to pay more attention to ourselves and try to get back some of the person we
had lost long ago. Maybe if men realized that there was light at the end of the tunnel and that
eventually they will get back that woman they fell in love with, then they wouldn’t go looking
somewhere else.
I know I made mistakes and lost way too much of myself in the process, but I felt I didn’t have a
choice. In my job as a teacher, I have seen way too many children feel the harmful effects of
neglectful parents, and I didn’t want to be that kind of mother. Maybe I did go overboard, but
as I said, I have no regrets. I feel I have done the best job a mother could (unfortunately at the
price of my marriage) and am very proud of myself and my kids. If given the opportunity to do it
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all over again, there are certainly things I could do differently as a wife, but as a mother, I doubt
I would change anything.
Doug and I always put our children first. It’s just the way we are and it was sort of an unwritten
decision we made long ago. I feel that we are lucky because our children love being with us as
we have many of the same interests. Just because they leave the nest doesn’t mean they will
be gone forever. When a parent puts that much into their children’s lives the rewards will last a
lifetime.
A lesson learned…
So what does all this talk have to do with a marital affair? I believe one lesson learned from
Doug’s emotional affair is the importance of paying close attention to transitions and
milestones in our lives. A couple of months prior to Doug’s affair our son got his driver’s
license, which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it changed everything between Doug and his
son. Previous to that, Doug would run our son everywhere, or our son would be at home
where the two of them would spend time together playing catch, goofing around or watching
their silly TV shows. After our son began to drive he was rarely at home and I believe Doug
became bored and lonely. I was so busy with the girls I failed to notice. Unfortunately,
someone else did and the affair began to fill the void that Doug was experiencing.
With our son away at college, Doug says he is fine, but I want to make sure that I am there for
him. Just like how he will have to be there for me in the next few years when our daughters
begin to leave the nest. Sometimes our lives are filled with so much stress and running around
that we fail to be conscious of problems that may be effecting our spouses, which makes it that
much more important to communicate effectively and spend quality time alone together.
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Building Self-Esteem After the Affair
Our open discussion yesterday centered around the topic of self-esteem. There were some
very heart-felt responses in the comment section from both the cheating spouse and the victim
of marital affairs. We also received many emails along the same lines. It became very apparent
that not only do the victims take a massive blow to their self-esteem as a result of the affair,
but the cheater does as well. I venture to guess that many cheaters had self-esteem issues that
were prevalent before the affair, which may have contributed to them having an affair in the
first place. Building self-esteem after the affair for both parties involved becomes a primary
challenge.
I thought about this and wondered if that was the case with me, and the reason for my affair.
Did I have a low self-esteem? No way. Now I’ve always considered myself to be a confident
person, at least that is how I always portrayed myself around people both socially and in a
business setting. But was (am) I really?
The whole self-esteem subject, I must admit, is somewhat confusing to me. Just what exactly is
it? Is confidence the same as having high self-esteem, or just a component? How does ego fit
into this whole self-esteem thing? Does having guilt as a result of my emotional affair affect my
self-esteem? Building self-esteem is tough to do, right?
These questions bothered me, so I did a little research on the subject and after a while of
searching I discovered Nathaniel Branden, PhD. who is a therapist, writer and expert on self
esteem issues. Much of what he offered in his program, “The Psychology of High Self-Esteem”
helped to clarify this for me—and hopefully will for you as well.
Self-Esteem Defined
The first thing I discovered is that perhaps I’m not as dumb as I thought I was because
apparently there exists a gray area when it comes to understanding the meaning of selfesteem.
Branden suggests that self-esteem has two essential components:
Self-efficacy: Confidence in the ability to cope with life’s challenges. Self-efficacy leads to a
sense of control over one’s life.
Self-respect: Experience oneself as deserving of happiness, achievement and love. Self-respect
makes possible a sense of community with others. Self-esteem is a self-reinforcing
characteristic.
This makes sense to me as I can really see how an affair can attack both components in a huge
way for both the cheating spouse and the victim — albeit in different ways. For instance,
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rejection can tear down the self-esteem of the victim, where perhaps guilt will work on the selfesteem of the cheating spouse.
In my own case, I believe I am strong in the self-efficacy component and somewhat weak in the
self-respect area. I am certainly confident in my ability to cope with life’s challenges as our life
has been filled with challenges on many different fronts over the course of many years.
But did I feel myself as deserving of happiness, achievement and love? Off the top of my head,
I would say “Sure!” But perhaps subconsciously I didn’t really believe that. Did all the problems
we had in our marriage, business and life make me feel at fault and therefore unworthy of
being happy and loved by Linda? Which in turn made me more vulnerable to an affair? Wow!
This is getting all too psychological for me! It’s amazing how all this makes you look within.
I’m starting to get nervous as I envision myself soon lying on a therapist’s couch talking about
my childhood and my relationship with my father, or something like that, and living a life of
daily anti-depressant consumption.
Branden however, sums it up well: “When we have confidence in our ability to think and act
effectively, we can persevere when faced with difficult challenges. Result: We succeed more
often than we fail. We form more nourishing relationships. We expect more of life and of
ourselves.
If we lack confidence, we give up easily, fail more often and aspire to less. Result: We get less of
what we want.”
And he adds…”Self-esteem has to do with what I think of me, not what anyone else thinks of
me.”
Great. So how does one go about building self-esteem, or in our case, re-building it? Can one
do it by oneself, or is months on a therapist’s couch the only possible way?
Branden says that building self-esteem is not a quick or easy process and that it can’t be done
directly. Rather, self-esteem is a “consequence of following fundamental internal practices that
require an ongoing commitment to self-examination.”
He also suggests that many self-help gurus would make you believe that chanting affirmations
will help, but actually this method is ineffective, or at best of marginal value, in raising selfesteem. “Telling yourself you’re capable and lovable accomplishes little if you are operating
irresponsibly in key areas of your life.”
The self examination process that Branden preaches is called the “Six Pillars of Self-Esteem” :
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Living consciously: Paying attention to information and feedback about needs and goals…
facing facts that might be uncomfortable or threatening… refusing to wander through life in a
self-induced mental fog.
Self-acceptance: Being willing to experience whatever we truly think, feel or do, even if we
don’t always like it… facing our mistakes and learning from them.
Self-responsibility: Establishing a sense of control over our lives by realizing we are responsible
for our choices and actions at every level… the achievement of our goals…our happiness… our
values.
Self-assertiveness: The willingness to express appropriately our thoughts, values and feelings…
to stand up for ourselves… to speak and act from our deepest convictions.
Living purposefully: Setting goals and working to achieve them, rather than living at the mercy
of chance and outside forces… developing self-discipline.
Integrity: The integration of our behavior with our ideals, convictions, standards and beliefs…
acting in congruence with what we believe is right. Most of us are taught from an early age to
pay far more attention to signals coming from other people than from within.
We are encouraged to ignore our own needs and wants and to concentrate on living up to
others’ expectations. (Does this sound familiar?)
Self-esteem requires us to listen to and respect our own sensations, insights, intuition and
perspective.
I must say that this research has been a learning experience for me in many ways. I also believe
that after the affair I have learned something new about myself and Linda virtually every day.
In the long run, that has to be a good thing for our marriage and for me and Linda as
individuals. Developing a healthy self-esteem will be a challenge for both of us—perhaps a lifelong challenge. You never know, I might still end up on that therapist’s couch one day!
Click the link to learn more about Nathaniel Branden’s building self-esteem program: “The
Psychology of High Self-Esteem.”
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The Awakening
I came across the following piece the other day quite by accident, but I thought that it was
excellent, and wanted to share it with you all. It’s called “The Awakening” by Virginia Marie
Swift.
Virginia is a writer who has had a lot of experience with being wounded. She was sexually
abused by her step-father from age 9 to 13. She was married to an emotionally and verbally
abusive man for 29 years, until he died in 1991. She then became engaged to another abusive
man for 4 years. However, she had grown enough to recognize how unhealthy he was for her
and ended that. She considers herself not just a survivor, but an “overcomer!”
I found “The Awakening” to not only be thought provoking, but inspiring as well, and I think you
will too!
The Awakening
By Virginia Marie Swift
A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and
insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out –
ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind
tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and
through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening…
You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness,
safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact
that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there
aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of
“happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of
acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love,
appreciate or approve of who or what you are … and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own
views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in
the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
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You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for
you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that
people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will
always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own
and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of selfreliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to
overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace &
contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all
the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through
all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much
you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should
drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should
marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children
or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of
view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines
and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process,
you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating
and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for
your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone
era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything; it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t
teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance
of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one
you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in
love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your
feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent,
more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You
stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
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You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don’t
have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.
You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the
fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the
image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.”
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and
ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your
right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary
to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and
respect and you won’t settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to
glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with
respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to
exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take
more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to
laugh and to play.
You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of
life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to
happen, is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and
perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for
help.
You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR
itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever
happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your
terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that
sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not
to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers;
it’s just life happening.
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You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings
such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate
the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are
wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted;
things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean
running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for
yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never
ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you
can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay
open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep
breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
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How to Regain Control After the Affair
A lot of people refer to the day you discover your spouse’s affair. Sometimes it is referred to as
D-Day or Armageddon or something such as that to describe how your world gets turned
upside down, and it’s so alien from what it once was. During this time it is so common to feel
completely out of control. So what are some of the things that you can do to regain some sort
of control in your life after the affair?
Jeff Murrah LPC, author of “How to Cope With a Cheating Spouse” recommends 5 things:
The FIRST is for people to make a conscience change in their thinking to go from assuming that
the affair is a crisis to looking at it like it’s a problem. There’s something about the way that we
think when we’re in crisis. We feel like we are out of control, we can’t deal with it and we’re
helpless. Yet when we start looking at problems as if they are problems, our mind starts to find
solutions to these problems.
No. 2. Focus on what you need to do. Many times what happens — with that sense of being out
of control — is that people have lost their sense of focus. They’re either looking too far into the
future or they’re looking into the past and they’re not taking care of what they need to do right
now. If you’ve ever been on a boat, the one thing that sailors do is take a bearing and find out
exactly where they are, then they can — once they know where they’re at and what they need
to focus on — set a course to get to their destination.
No. 3. Let go of unrealistic expectations. Many times we still have this magical thinking that we
want somebody or something to come along, wave a magic wand and we’ll be back in love
again like Prince Charming or Sleeping Beauty. This Disney movie mindset is something that
gets in the way when it comes to regaining control.
No. 4. It’s important to find a good support group. A good support group is not the people that
keep you out of pain. Good support is going to be the people that are going to be by your side
going through the pain. They are the people that are willing to tell you the truth. Many times
when we’re hurting we automatically assume that the best people for us are those that will get
us out of the pain. Those may be some of the worst supporters for us. They may just be telling
you what you want to hear. Many times when your support group helps so much with the
pain, you lose motivation to want to turn around and fix your marriage.
And No. 5. It’s going to be important to focus on overcoming separateness rather than
reducing the pain. After the affair there’s distance in the relationship between a husband and a
wife. It’s going to be important to look at what’s going to decrease that separateness as
opposed to what’s going to get you out of that pain.
Many people react in a knee-jerk fashion after the affair has been discovered which can be
counterproductive in the overall scheme of things. Take to heart these 5 tips that Jeff provides
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and they will help you regain the sense of control that is necessary to begin the healing process
and save your marriage.
Jeff has offered much advice on our site, and for that we are very grateful. Both Linda and I
have learned a great deal from Jeff and we highly recommend his book “How to Cope With a
Cheating Spouse,” as it offers exceptional information on what to do after D-Day.
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Surviving Infidelity: Getting Past the Anger
If your spouse cheated on you, it’s a natural urge for most people to explode (usually verbally,
but in many cases physically), especially in the very early stages immediately after you find out
about the affair. This anger can be useful to the injured person, but there comes a time when
expressing your angry feelings gets to a point of diminishing returns. It starts creating more
problems for surviving infidelity than it solves.
The problem of unrelenting anger is one of the single biggest obstacles on your path to
acceptance and ultimately forgiveness. Learning how to cope with, manage, and express your
feelings so they effectively help you change your marriage instead of tearing you apart inside is
a major goal for many who are surviving infidelity and as you search for ways to forgive your
spouse.
In fact, some of you may not even know the full extent of why you are really angry. There are
some underlying factors that maintain the cycle of anger that you may not be aware of. This
lack of awareness can perpetuate the problem.
In this first of two articles, we will discuss the three reasons you may be holding on to your
anger, and then in part two we will offer some tips for expressing your feelings in a more
meaningful way so you can begin to let them go and work more towards surviving infidelity.
3 Reasons You are Still Angry After the Affair
Dr. Frank Gunzburg, in his book “How to Survive an Affair,” says there are a lot of reasons you
might be holding on to your emotional pain and anger. One of the main reasons is that holding
onto the pain and anger feels like a kind of protection.
The thinking goes: “If I continue to feel the pain, it will keep me from being foolish in the future
by being duped or having this happen again.”
Another variation on this might be:
“If I maintain my anger, my partner will really know how much he hurt me and how important
this issue is to me. Consequently, my spouse will be motivated to take care of my hurt feelings
and not repeat the transgression.”
You may be experiencing thoughts and feelings like this right now.
However, what you might not be aware of is that there are at least three issues hidden inside
statements like these that reveal the real reason you are still angry.
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They are:
1. You want to show your cheating spouse how hurtful his or her actions were so you can get
the special treatment you desire from him or her to make you feel that you can move on from
the transgression.
2. You want your cheating spouse to know how hurtful the behavior was and continues to be,
so he or she will diligently search his or her behavior for an understanding of how this
happened, accept full responsibility for it and for the subsequent pain it caused, and be
authentically remorseful about it.
3. You want to have some assurance that this will never happen again. This is a biggie! You may
feel as though you have been made to look foolish, and you never want to feel this way again.
Through the logic of points one and two, you feel that extending the pain and anger will effect a
change in your spouse.
These issues are understandable, and they reflect important aspects of the healing process.
However, anger, particularly continuing anger will almost never get you what you want.
If you’re angry, it’s more likely your spouse will feel attacked and either withdraw, defend himor herself, or attack back.
In any case, he or she will likely stop trying to provide you with the words and actions you need
to feel better about your marriage or will do so reluctantly, feeling coerced and perhaps
resentful.
It’s true that your spouse behaved in a selfish manner that completely failed to take you and
your feelings into consideration. That’s a character flaw your spouse has to overcome.
If you decide you are going to stay and work to save your marriage, then at some point you
have to manage your angry thoughts before they become angry feelings: You begin to treat
your spouse as your friend and not as your enemy.
The anger is not protecting you. In fact, your anger is probably hurting you more than anyone
else. For one thing there is the additional psychological stress and pain you feel every day you
continue to carry this anger.
However, anger has more than a psychological impact. It changes you physically as well. It’s
hard on your heart. It alters the way your blood vessels deposit fat. It can affect the way your
body processes sugar and insulin. It can even change the biochemistry of your brain.
Anger doesn’t serve you. It’s not a shield. It’s a weapon – a weapon you use against an enemy,
but in today’s world, you are destroying yourself with it. You need to let it go. It’s killing you.
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However, that doesn’t mean you should suddenly pretend everything is rosy in your marriage
again. That isn’t realistic either.
You need to express your hurt, or, rather, the ideas that are driving your anger. You need to
communicate your pain to your spouse if you are going to move past this terrible trap and
continue down the road to acceptance and eventually forgiveness.
Communication is the core of your marriage. It’s your method to heal. If you can’t
communicate, surviving infidelity is impossible and your marriage may never heal. When it
comes to anger and the hurt that underlies it, learning how to communicate those thoughts
becomes more important than ever – especially if your spouse has betrayed you.
In part two of this article we will give you some tips on how to express your anger in a more
effective fashion.
For more information on Dr. Gunzburg’s program as well as free information on surviving
infidelity, please visit his website.
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Surviving Infidelity: Expressing Anger without
“Getting” Angry
In our first article of this two-part series, we discussed the 3 reasons you may be holding on to
your anger. Today we are going to offer some tips for expressing your feelings in a more
meaningful way so you can begin to let them go and work more towards surviving infidelity.
Once again, we will be referring to the work of Dr. Frank Gunzburg, author of “How to Survive
an Affair.” His course is certainly one of the most comprehensive resources we’ve found on
surviving infidelity. You can also gain valuable knowledge and a lot of good information from
his email course.
Dr. Gunzburg offers 3 tips to better express your feelings with your spouse:
Tip #1: Control the Inner Cave Man
Before you even begin talking to or listening to your spouse you need to control your inner
“caveman.” That is, the beast inside of you.
Dr. Gunzburg reminds us that the cheating spouse whom you are talking to is not your enemy.
You want this person to be your best friend. This may be hard to keep in mind when you are
trying to discuss feelings of anger and betrayal, but it is critical that you do so.
If you think of your spouse as the enemy, you will let out your inner caveman. Doing this will
start the cycle of anger all over again and you will feel the desperate need to win and conquer
rather than heal and repair.
You can control this beast inside you and choose to act differently. The control is in your
thinking and in your attitude. The thinking and attitude occur before you have the resultant
feelings.
You contain yourself for a reason: It’s the best way to move forward with your marriage. You
choose to change your attitude to one of friendship and accept your feelings and not act out in
rage so you can save your marriage.
Gunzburg says, “If you won’t do this, if you make excuses about it being too hard, you are
essentially giving in to your inner caveman and creating justifications for further unproductive
(and perhaps even destructive) arguments with your spouse.”
This isn’t an easy step by any means, but it’s the first step in getting past your anger and
surviving infidelity.
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Tip #2; Use “I” Statements
In order to communicate your feelings to your spouse effectively, you have to talk in a manner
so your spouse can hear what you are saying. When it comes to communicating anger and
resentment, the most important thing to remember is to use “I” statements.
Instead of saying “you did this” and “you did that,” Gunzburg recommends you focus on your
personal experience and your feelings.
For instance, you might say: “I feel crushed, I feel sad, I feel disappointed, or I feel resentful.”
You can then tell your spouse why you feel these things. But the point is to focus on your
experience. Tell your spouse how you feel, not about what “he or she did.”
Tip #3: Manage Your Feelings So You Can Truly Listen
This one is more for the cheating spouse, but does apply to the injured person as well, and it is
one of the most important pieces of the whole communication process.
You need to learn to manage your feelings so you can listen to your spouse.
That means identifying him or her as a friend instead of an enemy as mentioned above. It also
means no defending, no editorializing and no argumentation. It means accepting what your
spouse is saying as his or her experience, even if you don’t agree with or like what is being said.
It means assuming your spouse is a rational person with good reasons for thinking or feeling the
way he or she does. And it means you make an attempt to understand your spouse’s
perspective even if it doesn’t match your own.
Forget about the idea of someone being “right.” Instead focus on the experience your spouse is
questions. Be attentive. And don’t hold your spouse to previous statements made in the
conversation.
I struggled with this aspect at first, to be honest with you. When Doug and I would discuss his
emotional affair, I tended to let my emotions get in the way and consequently, I heard what he
was saying but I wasn’t really listening. It didn’t sink in. I’d always end up asking the same
questions over and over. Eventually, using this technique, I was able to put aside my emotions
and have deep, meaningful, calm discussions with Doug so that I could truly understand where
he was coming from.
It also helped me to move past having to know all the details of the affair and instead allowed
us to discover the underlying reasons that existed within our marriage that caused it to happen
in the first place.
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The bottom line is to really listen to your spouse. Understand his or her perspective. Don’t stay
buried in your own perceptions.
These tips are only a small part of a larger step-by-step program for managing angry feelings,
discussing them, and improving your communication skills overall. But if you incorporate these
tips, by themselves they can make a dramatic difference in your marriage and in your chances
of surviving infidelity. These are ways you can move beyond your anger and continue down the
path toward acceptance.
Holding onto anger and pain damages you more than anyone else. Make a commitment to
yourself to get rid of it. Please go to: www.surviveanaffair.com and get started receiving Dr.
Gunzburg’s free information.
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Cheating Spouses: 6 Reasons Why Their Affair
Won’t Last
When I first found out about my husband’s emotional affair, I frantically researched books and
the internet on surviving infidelity, as I wanted to know what experts said about the chances of
it lasting. What I found was that most resources sited only 10% of cheating spouses in affairs
move on to long term relationships. Of those 10%, only half are successful. Well, if I were a
betting person, the odds seemed to be in my favor. In my mind though, I believed Doug’s affair
was one of the 10% that could turn into a long term relationship. I felt that way mainly due to
what he hold told me about his relationship with Tanya. I felt that they were meant to be
together and that they had figured out what it took to have a lasting long term relationship.
Obviously I was wrong, and after watching my brother’s affair go down the tubes, I have come
to some conclusions on why affairs don’t last.
They begin with lies and deceit. In the beginning it may appear flattering that a person would
lie and break their commitment to their spouses just to be with another. However, as the
relationship progresses, the cheating spouses begin to wonder if they are lying and betraying
each other as well. For instance, Tanya would have a problem every weekend knowing that
Doug was spending a lot of time with me and his family. If she trusted him and believed he
kept his commitment to her, why was she jealous? Doug also had mentioned that Tanya had a
previous relationship where she got “close” to someone. Is this the kind of person you want to
spend the rest of your life with? What if you go through a rough patch? Would you be able to
know for certain your affair partner is committed to you? If it happened once, couldn’t it
happen again? A relationship that begins with lies and betrayal will always continue—and end,
that way.
Their needs aren’t being met. As Dr. Willard Harley suggests in “His Needs Her Needs,” the
affair partner may meet one or two of the spouse’s needs perfectly, but the husband/wife are
meeting all the others. During an affair, the cheating spouse may believe that they feel so alive
with their affair partner and that person is all that they need to make them complete and
happy. Little do they realize though, that the cheating spouse is being fulfilled in other areas by
their wife and family. My brother is the perfect example of this. In April, he left his wife and
family and went to live with his affair partner. He didn’t maintain much contact with his wife or
any of his kids at all. It only took him three months to realize that his affair partner couldn’t
give him everything he needed. He also found that she wasn’t doing a very good job at meeting
those needs that she initially had met perfectly.
The other person isn’t so perfect. It is an illusion that the cheating spouse sees the affair
partner as a perfect person/companion. Because of the dynamics of the affair, life’s realties
rarely enter into the affair relationship. Therefore, the cheating spouses seem to possess all
the qualities for each other that they thought had been lacking in their lives previously. There
may be some things that don’t seem so appealing, but they put these unappealing issues in the
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back of their heads, thinking they really don’t matter so much. They don’t have to live with the
other person. Eventually reality strikes, and those less than desirable traits seem to surface
more and more and doubt starts to set in. They wonder if it is worth it.
It’s déjà vu all over again. The cheating spouses also bring to their relationship the same
problems they had in their marriage. Just because everything is wonderful right now and they
feel that their spouses are the reason for their discontent, they will soon learn that their new
relationship will just be as unsatisfying and problematic. When a person moves from one
relationship to another, without any self reflection the relationship stays the same– only the
players have changed.
It gets boring after awhile. Eventually the secrecy, excitement and newness of the relationship
wear off. Maintaining an affair, and for the most part leading two separate lives, can be
stressful. This will certainly have an effect on the relationship after a while because an affair
lacks any real commitment, and therefore there isn’t much to hold the relationship together.
They begin to wonder if all the trouble is really worth it.
The cheating spouse realizes that the potential loss is too great. When the cheater is faced
with the consequences of his/her actions, they often come to the harsh reality of what
potentially they could lose. Besides the obvious of losing their current spouse, they are subject
to lose the love and respect of their children, friends and family. They are subject to losses
both financially and emotionally as well.
Experts seem to agree that most affairs don’t last and that the cheating spouses who are
involved regret their decisions. Thinking about Doug’s and my brother’s affair, it upsets me to
know that the initial feelings of admiration, attention and excitement can cause so much
turmoil to people they have been forging relationships with for years. I can’t stop thinking
about what a mess my brother has created and how difficult it will be to fix. For him, surviving
infidelity may not be possible. Affairs cause so much long term damage — all for just a short
term of gratification. You wonder that if the cheating spouses knew what the end result would
be, would they think again about starting something so dangerous in the first place? I imagine
they believe that their situation is different and that they (and the relationship) are special.
However, if you are reading the comments on this site, most emotional and physical affairs
follow the same script. There is really nothing unique about any of them.
Can you think of any more reasons why the affair won’t last? If so, please comment below.
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Searching For Quotes About Moving On
Since today is Labor Day, we decided to take a long weekend and spend some time together as
a family before Linda’s summer ends and she has to go back to her job as a teacher. She truly
hates this time of year, but I guess I would too if I were in her shoes. Therefore, today we have
a guest post from one of our readers that deals with change and moving on–whether it’s from
an emotional affair or from a job you hate.
Have a great day!
Here is the post:
Many people spend moments in their day searching online for quotes they find meaning in.
This isn’t a new phenomenon; humans have appreciated words of wisdom and knowledge
forever. Somehow, finding a quote that strikes a chord within you is similar to commiserating
with a good friend. In our darkest moments we may feel totally alone in the world. Finding a
quote written voiced by someone else reaffirms for us that we are not alone in our feelings.
When someone has felt the way we are feeling we somehow accept our emotions a bit easier.
Seeking change within our own lives is pivotal in creating the happiness and peace of mind that
we all long for. In our early years, we run full steam ahead into every adventure placed in front
of us. Many times, in the excitement of the moment, it’s difficult to stop and truly appreciate
the moment that we are living in. Therein lays the answer to the difficulty that appears in our
life down the road. One day we slow down enough to examine what our life is truly about and
we become confused. Suddenly we realize that life isn’t about the fancy cars, the big house,
and the importance we place on the perception of others. This is the moment that we begin
our quest towards individual peace.
Quotes about moving on with our emotions and our lives become very meaningful to us at this
stage. Taking the time to think about our lives from a different perspective helps to guide us in
the direction we are seeking. Of the most importance during this phase of our lives is our
ability to examine the part that we, ourselves, have played in reaching the point at which we’ve
arrived. Without analyzing ourselves and taking responsibility for our choices, we remain
rooted in the past. Accepting our past by moving freely into the present is our goal. Truly being
present in each moment of our day should be our focus.
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The Party Psychologist
Saturday night was our annual neighborhood hog roast and block party. It’s a chance to chat
with neighbors both old and new, while drinking too much booze, and eating way too much
food. Since we have lived in our house for twenty years, we have experienced many of these
parties and have witnessed the evolution of our neighborhood.
In the early years, the party for me entailed mostly chasing our kids around, while never being
able to have a long and meaningful conversation with anyone. I always left feeling tired and
resentful, as it seemed that Doug got to have all the fun and I was the one who ran around,
eventually leaving early because the kids were cranky. Now I realize this was partly my fault. I
should have asked Doug for equal time, but I thought I was being a good wife by doing it all, not
knowing that my actions would have compounded into anger and resentment for me.
As the years progressed and the kids got older, the party seemed to settle into a pattern where
the men congregated together and discussed sports, beer, cigars — whatever men talk about,
and the women would sit around and bitch about their husbands. Most of us women were in
our late thirties and early forties and we had a lot to complain about. Most of us were at the
point were we felt that we were all just surviving in our lives and our marriages. We were all
feeling overwhelmed with too much to do and too little time, often blaming our spouses for our
discontent. Looking back, most of us had built up years of resentment and didn’t know what to
do about our situations.
Saturday was different for me as I became more of an observer and an inquirer. I was playing
armchair psychologist and was interested in finding out more about the dynamics of people and
their marriages. I didn’t set out that night to analyze everyone, but our neighborhood has
changed so much through the years, and in my midst were lots of couples in different stages of
their lives, that I thought I’d make it a little more interesting and observe what happens at
various stages of marriage.
First I met an older couple in their early seventies. They looked so in love and alive that I
assumed that they were on their second marriages. After we talked about their life a bit, I
discovered that they had just celebrated their 5oth wedding anniversary by spending four
wonderful weeks in Italy. Next up for them was an adventure trip where they are going to hike
a small portion of the Appalachian Trail.
I couldn’t help but ask them the secrets to a long marriage. They responded that they always
support each other and are always there for each other. The wife said “He is my best friend
and I love being with him.” The information wasn’t really new to me as I had heard it before
when talking to other older couples, but it made me sad because I remember a time when
Doug and I didn’t always support one another, and we weren’t each other’s best friends. I
thought how easy it is for all of that to slip away.
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The next couple I observed just got done shipping their last child off to college and are truly
experiencing the empty nest. Contrary to what I thought would happen to this couple, they are
having the time of their lives. They mentioned having sex in the middle of the afternoon,
hitting happy hours, and doing things that they had put off for years. It was good to see that
they are surviving and enjoying their lives.
Next I noticed the many couples with young children. What I saw really alarmed me, because I
noticed the same looks, snarls and jabs that I remember experiencing when I was at that stage.
I noticed couples who were overwhelmed, exhausted and had stopped being partners in their
marriage. One couple in particular stuck out. The wife had been gone all day and the husband
had been taking care of their four kids. By the time she arrived at the block party, he was pissed
and she wasn’t much happier.
When she walked up, he pretty much just handed over their baby to her, said “It’s your turn!”
And he turned and walked away. There was no… “Hi honey. How are you?” “I missed you.
How was your day?” etc. Just a lot of anger and resentment. Not good.
I talked to another mom who just went back to work full time after just having a fourth child a
couple of months prior. She also was not a happy camper and was wondering how she was
going to do it all. She said her husband “…had better step up and help out around the house.”
She also felt that her husband only wanted her to go back to work because of monetary issues,
though she felt her husband made enough without her having to work. She was very resentful.
I got the feeling their relationship is heading for trouble.
Then there was the young couple with their newborn baby. They were arguing over which one
of them got to hold the baby and show it off. They were definitely working as a team and
probably thought they will never become the parents who were overstressed and angry. I hope
to follow their progress as their family – and responsibilities – continue to grow. Things will
change. They just don’t know it yet.
I wish I could have wiggled my nose and frozen the moment, like Samantha did on “Bewitched,”
and let those people see their future. I wish I could show them where they may be in five or
ten years if they continue doing what they are now doing. Most of them must somehow realize
that they are forever affecting their marriages, their relationships, and possibly their families,
but they all seem too busy and overwhelmed to care right now. They think that eventually
things will get better. Doug and I did the same things several years ago, and I don’t want
anyone to go through what we did. Little do they know it may be too late.
I thought it was quite interesting to witness our various neighbors, the different stages of
marriage and how couples reacted within each stage. I wish that I would have been more
aware of the different stages in our own marriage and how our relationship would evolve due
to circumstances within each stage. I wish I would have made a conscious effort to educate
myself on relationships and then acted on the knowledge before it was too late. Hindsight is
always 20/20 isn’t it?
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Surviving Infidelity: Rediscover Yourself
One of the most common pieces of advice for surviving infidelity that is given after a victim
finds out about their cheating spouse’s affair is to work on “YOU.” But in the midst of all the
turmoil, I found that the last thing I wanted to focus on was myself. Instead, I felt like I had to
win back my husband and save our marriage. There was a sense of urgency and I didn’t have
time to go out and change myself. Here is where I was somewhat off-base. Working on your
self isn’t about changing yourself. Actually, I feel it’s about rediscovering yourself.
When everything I had counted on was torn asunder by Doug’s emotional affair, I felt I was
literally trying to start my life over from scratch. But before I could truly rediscover who I was, I
had to get to the point where I could actually do so. After all, my emotional and physical states
were not exactly at their peak, and I was in no way thinking clearly.
For direction, I turned to Dr. Frank Gunzburg’s book “How to Survive an Affair” where he
discusses some critical steps that I needed to take so you that I could properly move forward
and design the best life possible for myself, one that takes into account my needs, wants, and
values. I’ve outlined 3 of these steps below:
Step 1: Face the Pain
As we all know, the emotional pain felt from an affair is astounding. In my opinion, the
emotional pain is far worse than any physical pain that I have ever endured. At least with
physical pain, I could always take a pill to make it go away.
But with emotional pain, you can’t ignore it, evade it, or escape it—at least not permanently.
Gunzburg says that “You have to deal with the pain, define the emotions you are feeling.” This
part is very tough, but by acknowledging the pain and the resulting emotions, it leads you closer
to acceptance of the hell you are going through, which can lead you down the path to surviving
infidelity.
Step 2: Take Time to Gain Perspective
The thoughts that ran through my head (and sometimes still run through my head) about the
affair and about Tanya haunted me daily. I constantly was comparing myself to Tanya and as a
result felt she was better than I was. My self-esteem and self-concept were at all time lows.
It took awhile to work through these painful thoughts and deal with the negative self-talk that
was going on in my head. I realize now though, that my perspective was out of whack. I also
know now that this is normal, yet I was able to regain my normal perspective over time. As a
result, I know that the affair was not about me and that I’m a far better wife, mother and
person than Tanya will ever hope to be.
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Step 3: Draft a Relief Plan
Though it’s important to acknowledge and accept the painful emotions and thoughts that you
have after the affair, it’s even more important that you don’t let the anger and negativity
remain inside you to fester. If it does, surviving infidelity will be next to impossible.
What helped me to filter out these feelings was doing things that I wanted to do for myself.
Daily exercise, weekly lunches with friends and other activities I enjoy helped to occupy my
mind’s time. The point is, you need to remember that there is more to life and to this world
than the pain you are experiencing, and that it doesn’t have to be your destiny to live a life of
misery.
Surviving infidelity has been the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. A day does not pass that I
don’t think about Doug’s emotional affair. But along the way to healing from the affair, I’ve
learned to rediscover myself and my marriage and realize that both are doing pretty darn good.
If you want to have a fighting chance to survive infidelity and save your marriage, then I urge
you to check out Dr. Gunzburg’s course and arm yourself with the same information and
techniques that helped guide me (us) on my journey from a marital affair. He has a free email
course that can get you started.
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Surviving an Emotional Affair: Surreal Love vs
Real Love
Yesterday, I blogged about rediscovering myself in order to help in my recovery from Doug’s
emotional affair. I’d like to share just a part of what I discovered along the way to perhaps help
some of you in the process.
Well, about three months ago, I was concerned about the emptiness that I had been feeling. I
was afraid the emptiness was a result of the emotional affair and that too much had been taken
away from me. I was concerned that as a result, that maybe I didn’t really love Doug or that I
didn’t want to be married anymore. It was very confusing to me because our marriage
appeared to be on the right track and we were closer than we had been in a long time. But
something was missing.
This summer I set out on a private quest to find the answer to what was missing. I did a lot of
thinking, reading and researching and I believe that I am getting to the root of my emptiness. I
have discovered that the feeling is within me and that I need to somehow become whole
again. Over the years of our marriage I have lost my true self, my power, confidence and
internal happiness. In order to fill the emptiness within me, I need to get all of those
components back.
I began reading books about happiness which helped me move in the right direction. They
allowed me to understand that remaining in the pain and hurt was counterproductive. The only
person I was hurting was me. I also learned that I was forgiving the emotional affair for me–
not for Doug—which is a good thing.
Just recently I discovered that my behavior in my marriage was counterproductive from what I
really wanted and needed. I also learned that my behavior caused me to take all the
responsibility for everything in our lives, but at the same time made me lose my power in our
relationship.
In the book “The Commitment Chronicles” Cheryl McClary, Ph.D, talks about the difference
between real love and surreal love. Surreal love is more like infatuation. It is selfish, tries to be
perfect, meeting ego needs and validates self worth.
Real love has the strength to see and forgive faults and has boundaries. Real love is being able
to make another person feel that you love them more than you love yourself. Only a person
who has real love for herself is able to give this gift to another. As complicated as it sounds I
believe the main point is that we have to completely love ourselves in order to fully love
another person.
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Basically, I discovered that I was living in surreal love. I was over-accommodating, passive,
uncomplaining and had a low opinion of myself. I also thought I didn’t have the right to be
angry, and hoped that if I could be the person others wanted me to be, then they would love
me. I felt more exhausted then empowered. I realized that I was living in fear. I was afraid that
if I didn’t act in a certain way that Doug would not love me. These feelings have been a part of
me since childhood. I guess I can blame my parents for that, I suppose.
By making these self-discoveries, I have been able to make a shift in my thinking, and as a
result, I have become a stronger, more powerful, self-assured person, who knows that she can
survive anything that is thrown at her.
Don’t get me wrong though, as I still have my bad days when the emotional affair really gets to
me, but the issue is usually more about Doug’s betrayal than it is about me and my perceived
short-comings.
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“The Schedule”
As I write this, it is the ninth anniversary of “9-11,” and every year the conversation comes up
about where we were and what we were doing when it happened. Our daughter remembers
walking in from school while I was ironing clothes. Of course I was ironing, it was Tuesday! If it
would have happened on Monday I would have been doing the laundry. Wednesday-cleaning
the house. Thursday-volunteering at the kid’s school, and Friday-grocery shopping.
I never really thought about it until now, but I was a structured, rigid fool. I thought I had to be
or our whole house would have fallen apart. At the time I was very fortunate. I was teaching
part time so I had the best of both worlds. I was able to do the job I loved in the morning, and
be the wife and mother I wanted to be the rest of the day.
Everyone appeared to benefit from this arrangement, as the house was clean, the fridge was
full and I was content. I would run around like a mad woman in the afternoon when everyone
was gone and when they walked in the door, I was happy because everything was checked off
my list and I was ready to tackle the rest of the day. This arrangement left the evenings and
weekends to tend to our second life of running the kids around, and doing things that we
enjoyed like hiking, camping, etc.
I know that even though I was structured and rigid during the week, I had the time and
opportunity to let it all go and enjoy my life and family. Unfortunately, the unthinkable
happened – I had to go back to work full time. It was something I didn’t want to do, but
financially it was a necessity. I was determined not to allow this to change our perfect
existence. People would tell me that I wouldn’t be able to do it, but as stubborn as I was, I was
determined to prove them wrong. After all I did have “The Schedule”.
I tried to keep with “The Schedule,” but quickly found out that time and energy was a problem.
I began to get resentful because I didn’t want to do it all. I was feeling tired and overwhelmed.
Doug offered to pitch in but he didn’t want to follow “The Schedule.” He wanted to do things
when it was best for him – on the weekends. Those were my days to escape and to be the free
and fun person I am capable of being. (John Gray states that men are task oriented and
approach chores differently than woman. After work they want to retreat to their caves – not a
good time to clean the house.)
For a couple of weeks we followed Doug’s plan and did everything on Saturday and Sunday. It
was terrible. I went back to work on Monday feeling exhausted and angry. I didn’t want to
follow Doug’s plan so I began taking over the chores at six o’clock in the morning or at ten at
night, only to find out that there wasn’t enough time in a day to get it all done. While I was
stomping around cleaning, Doug would be sitting in his chair watching. Not a good combination
for a successful marriage. I became angry and task oriented, and he began feeling guilty,
neglected and began to wonder who this person was that he married. From there our marriage
just spiraled downward.
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Looking back, “The Schedule” wasn’t what killed our marriage or caused the emotional
affair…the lack of communication did. We were both feeling the same pain and discontent, but
if we would have worked on a solution as a team, life would have been better. I often say that
it wasn’t that we stopped loving each other, we just stopped enjoying being together. We let
the resentment and anger take over and we started to blame one another for our stressful,
busy lives.
Today our daughter commented that “Mom has become lazy. She doesn’t iron anymore, and
the fridge is empty.” Doug, realizing this comment would not sit well with me, said “It’s not
that Mom has become lazy, she just has new priorities. She knows what is important now.”
Doug is correct, I have learned that I would much rather spend the time with him than ironing
or cleaning. I have learned what is important for my life and my happiness. I have let the anger
and the resentment go, and have thrown out “The Schedule” forever.
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Another Trigger After the Emotional Affair
Recently, after a long week of teaching and getting up way too early, I fell asleep on the couch.
This is something I have consciously avoided since Doug’s emotional affair because that was
something I’m sure he would complain about to Tanya. So I usually try everything possible to
stay awake. I read, get up and walk around, anything that will avoid making that fatal mistake.
When I woke up, Doug said “Why don’t you go up to bed?” Well that was a trigger. It was
something he would say during his emotional affair - in a not so nice voice. I would stumble up
to bed and he would go down to his computer.
When he said this I must have looked at him strangely, as my expression startled him. He said it
was a mean face, but honestly it was a look of fear. Those words shot through me and I felt
terrified.
When I went to bed I felt like a caged animal again, blanketed in insecurity and memories
flashing through my head. I couldn’t relax and settle down. All I wanted to do was go
downstairs to the computer and find something on the Internet that would comfort me. Just as
I used to do more than a year ago while his emotional affair was in full force.
I know I should have mentioned something to Doug since he is the one who should comfort
me. But sometimes I feel that this has been going on too often for too long. I wonder how
much I can expect from him, as there comes a time when I have to deal with these affair
triggers and insecurities on my own. I don’t want to continue being a victim and become a
burden and expect comfort every time I get a strange feeling.
I’m sure that since the emotional affair I’ve clued into Doug’s moods, and sometimes when he
isn’t being as receptive as normal I begin to worry. I become insecure and need reassurance
that he’s not thinking about Tanya. For me it has become a way of life, making a checklist in my
head why Doug may be acting withdrawn or distracted. Talking myself out of the negative
thoughts that are clouding my head, resisting the urge to snoop and question. The mind sure
can be cruel at times.
I guess this is part of the recovery process that hopefully diminishes over time. I know that in
the beginning the feeling occurred hourly. Now it occurs perhaps just weekly or bi-weekly. I
also know that our two year anniversary of the emotional affair “D-day” is coming up soon and I
am already reliving the memory of the days that led up to that discovery. It is a question of
strength. How strong and confident can I be to push away the memories and the fears of the
emotional affair?
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8 Key Aspects in an Emotional Affair
As I’ve mentioned previously, when I found out about Doug’s emotional affair, I became a
research maniac. One of the surprising things that I found out is that there are many different
types of affairs. In fact, Dr. Robert Huizenga has defined 7 different types of affairs. Dr.
Huizenga terms an emotional affair as the “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” type of
affair.
Looking back on many of our own conversations, it became evident by what Doug said that he
was having this issue. After more research into the book “Break Free From the Affair,” I
discovered the underlying motives and patterns of someone who is going through this type of
affair. Perhaps these will shed some light on your own situation and uncover the motives that
can lead to an emotional affair:
1. Movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, and romance comedies teach us that this is
how it’s supposed to be. “Falling in love” is the norm and the implication is that if it doesn’t
happen, or if it goes away, something is wrong with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good
relationship must attempt to rid itself of this cultural brainwashing.
2. The person who needs to find “that loving feeling” usually experiences a high degree of guilt
and inner conflict. He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that
loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Inside themselves, they
know that they are not doing the right thing.
3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. They thrive on the emotional
adrenaline rather than living their true life.
4. There is little understanding of the changes required as a relationship matures. For example,
“falling out of love” usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For instance,
he may have been fun and exciting when you first met, but now that comes off as
irresponsibility or childlike behavior.
5. The person in the emotional affair is actually looking for that perfect person, who in turn,
makes him/her feel almost perfect as well.
6. This person needs to be adored because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. In fact, sexual activity
may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become,
again, the distracters.
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8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a lull or rut in the marriage. The responsibility of
raising children, work, finances and everyday life become the focal point for the couple.
Romance and intimacy becomes a thing of the past.
After digesting these eight patterns, I could certainly see many of the same traits and feelings in
Doug, as well as within our marriage during the time leading up to his emotional affair. By
knowing and being aware of these traits, one can more easily prevent an emotional affair from
happening in the first place.
If you would like to learn more about this type of affair or the other 6 types of affairs, check
out “Break Free From the Affair” at http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/ebook.htm
If you would like to watch a brief video that gives a pretty good job of describing an emotional
affair you can go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYcy0k9uZek
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My Emotional Affair D-day Anniversary
Friday was the 2 year anniversary of our D-day of my emotional affair and it has been an
incredible trigger for Linda. The fact that it’s the anniversary is bad enough, but what really
brought it on was a comment that one of our daughters made the night before.
We were having dinner and were discussing some teenage love issues regarding one of our
daughters’ friends. It seems this girl is quite controlling and possessive of her boyfriend, which
is quite humorous to our daughters. The conversation evolved to where we were talking about
some of Linda’s girl friends and how controlling they can be with their husbands. The word
“whipped” was thrown about. The comment that was made that set Linda off was “I think Dad
is probably the least whipped father I know.” (I cringed when she said it)
Now she actually meant it as a slightly off-beat compliment to me because I don’t cow-tail to
anyone. Linda included. I never have and I never will. Some of our friends, on the other hand,
will do or say anything to their wives just to appease them or avoid pissing their wives off,
regardless of whether or not they really believe in what they are doing or saying.
Well, this struck a nerve with Linda and instantly generated those thoughts that I more than
likely acted as a “whipped” man when it came to Tanya. She was angry. She wondered why I
couldn’t act that way with her. When she mentioned this to me later that night, I kind of
overreacted and got somewhat pissed myself. I felt it unfair for Linda to be angry with me for a
comment our daughter made, and furthermore relate it to my emotional affair based on her
perceptions of my relationship with Tanya.
Linda was silent, obviously stewing the rest of the evening. We then went to bed and had one
of our infamous late-night conversations about the situation. I knew it was coming too.
Without making this an entire book, the gist of the conversation was that Linda still feels pain at
times, especially when certain affair triggers pop up. This has been a tough week for her since
it’s the anniversary of D-day, and I understand that.
She was looking for me to be compassionate and try to help her through this pain, but all I
could do was get frustrated over my interpreting Linda’s expressions as accusation and
obsession with details of something that happened two years ago – issues that we have gone
over time and time again.
I told her that I agree that she has every right to be angry with me over my emotional affair and
that I can accept that without issue. But since the affair, sometimes it seems as though she is
expecting me to be the perfect husband who knows what to say and do in every situation that
crops up in our relationship. Well, that ain’t me, and it never has been. Hell, I’m just a dumb
man! I tend to speak my mind, sometimes without regard to other people’s feelings. I also at
times have this problem with needing to be right and needing to “win,” when I should really
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learn to step back and try to understand and be more empathetic. Unfortunately, I also don’t
come to these realizations until after the damage has been done.
Even though we have both read tons of materials over the last two years on affairs,
communication, marriage and love, there are still times when we temporarily revert back to our
old ways. After all, old habits can be hard to break. Even so, at least now we both are better at
analyzing the situation and understanding where we may have gone astray, and can then
correct it for when a similar situation arises in the future.
Perhaps this is all a “male – female” thing – as far as how the sexes tend to communicate and
connect emotionally in different fashions and wavelengths. Whatever it is, I need to get better
at it. I think I have come a long way since my emotional affair with respect to communication
and giving Linda what she needs, but it (I) continue to be a work in progress. I think I need one
of those electric dog collars and set it so I get a shock every time I say or do something stupid.
I’m sure Linda would like that very much!
(As a side note…it has been two years since D-day, and Linda still feels the hurt and pain from
the triggers. We both work on things daily within our marriage, and we both have read every
book and taken every course there is with respect to infidelity. Imagine how long it would take
to recover from infidelity if we did not arm ourselves with this knowledge gained from the
wisdom of the many author’s and professionals that have created these resources. I hate to
think about it.)
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Change Your Patterns When Dealing With
Affair Triggers
One of the issues that is common amongst victims of marital affairs is dealing with the various
affair triggers that prompt the reoccurrence of intense feelings and emotions. Yesterday’s post
dealt with Linda’s reaction to the D-day anniversary of my emotional affair, and I had a brief
exchange with Jeff Murrah LPC, regarding the importance of changing the patterns when these
affair triggers occur. In this instance a D-day anniversary was the trigger – which is common –
but I venture to guess that changing patterns is a necessity regardless of what the affair trigger
may be.
Jeff stated that “Such reactions are common on anniversaries of traumatic events, birthdays,
holidays and family gatherings. Knowing the pattern and actively working to ‘rewire’ those
meanings associated with those dates is key in transforming them.”
In case you didn’t see this information in the comment section, I wanted to share with you
Jeff’s ideas on how to change patterns within your relationship to help you get past those nasty
affair triggers. Changing the patterns requires making new and stronger patterns associated
with them.
Some ways to do this include:
1. Make sure that you spend some one on one time with your spouse on those days.
2. Pray, you need all the spiritual resources you can muster in changing these patterns. If you
can, pray together on changing the meanings associated with those days or those affair
triggers.
3. Use those anniversary reactions as a call for the two of you to hold each other accountable to
each other.
4. Identify what you can be thankful for. With every crisis there are changes. There are losses
and there are gains. Focus on the gains and what you can be thankful for. Give thanks that the
marriage is still together, that your love is still intact, that you can talk to each other, that you
can find time for each other, that you have your health, that your relationship was saved from
certain destruction, that you woke up from selfishness, etc.
The key is to change the meanings. Don’t run away from it, change it!
Once again, I’d like to thank Jeff for his contributions, as he is a wealth of information regarding
infidelity and other family issues. Please check out his book, “How to Cope With a Cheating
Spouse,” as we highly recommend it.
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My Letter to the OP After the Emotional Affair
I decided not to confront Tanya after Doug’s emotional affair for reasons I will discuss during
my webinar with Dr. Robert Huizenga on October 6. However, after reading some comments
on the subject recently, something really stuck with me. The statement that rang true for me
was, “I became real to the other person.”
During Doug’s emotional affair I would ask him if Tanya felt bad about the pain the affair was
inflicting upon our family and myself. He replied that she didn’t really think about it and that
she felt she had always done what she was supposed to do, and now deserved to be happy. I
would be naïve to think that she would have responded any differently.
Looking back, I wish I would have wrote her a letter telling her about who I was, about our
family and about the man I have spent the last thirty years with. In the other person’s mind we,
the victim, don’t really exist and perhaps it should have been my responsibility to let her know
just exactly what was being destroyed by her being a part of our lives.
So here is my very belated “Dear Tanya” letter:
Dear Tanya,
My name is Linda and I am the wife of the man you are having an emotional affair with. I know
you would like to pretend that I do not exist, but I am very real – unlike the relationship you are
having with my husband.
I would like for you to know a little about our life, since you have never met me or our family, or
have ever been in our home or shared meals or holidays with us. I imagine you feel as though
you are so close to him, but honestly you know so little about his life – our life – that I feel
compelled to share with you what your emotional affair is destroying.
A little history here…Doug and I met thirty years ago on a blind date, and to be honest, it was
love at first sight. From that day forward, we have been at each other’s side. When we met we
were only eighteen and we carried no baggage and we had our whole life ahead of us to
discover who we were. I literally feel as though we grew up together, navigating our way
through life, figuring out our likes, dislikes, interests and passions.
The qualities that you find in Doug, will also be found in me. We have 30 years of blending
together, perfectly complimenting one another with our strengths, weaknesses, commonalities
and passions.
If you really knew us you would realize that instantly. You would see how well we handle our
lives around us. From something as simple as working together every morning in sync to get the
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kids off to school, to how we have faced the mountains of challenges that life has dealt us over
the years, to unconsciously knowing what the other is thinking.
We also have several traditions that we have celebrated for the last twenty-five years. Every
night we prepare meals and have dinner together as a family. We have a pre-Christmas
celebration where we eat dinner, watch our favorite holiday movie and sleep under the
Christmas tree together. For Doug’s birthday we prepare his favorite meal, and on Valentine”
Day we bake a heart shaped cake and a heart shaped pizza. Just to name a few.
Every night at bedtime for the last twenty-five years Doug kisses me and tells me “Good night,
sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite. I love you.” On my birthday he wakes me up cuddling
and singing the birthday song, which has been another tradition for the last thirty years or so.
I could go on and on, but why bore you? The point is your emotional affair with my husband not
only threatens our marriage, but the essence of our very existence over the last three decades.
And you will not just be hurting me. You will also be hurting Doug by taking these things – and
much more – away from him. You will also be hurting yourself, as I’m sure you share similar
history and traditions with your husband and family.
You may feel at this point that you have the upper hand, but do you really think that ultimately
you can compete with the love that we share and these traditions and history that define his
life? I know Doug pretty well and know that all these things, though they may seem trivial to
you, mean the world to him. Eventually you both will snap back to reality and find that you
indeed cannot compete and your relationship together will die a slow agonizing death.
If you have any conscious at all, you will back out and end this relationship with Doug and let
him live the life that he really is meant to live – with me and his family. Your relationship is only
an illusion which will fade when Doug (and you) realizes what could be lost as a result of this
emotional affair.
Please do the right thing!
Linda
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After the Affair: The Relationship Contract
Doug had some minor surgery done yesterday, so I took the day off to be with him. After we
returned home, Doug decided to take a nap as he was feeling tired from the procedure. While
he was asleep I started to delve into “How to Survive an Affair” again, and decided to re-read
the section that dealt with preparing a Relationship Contract after the affair.
We have blogged before about keeping your marriage safe by building a fence around your
relationship after you have accepted the affair. The premise being to keep the good things in
and the bad out of your relationship in order for it to be safe, and to help ensure that another
affair will never happen again.
One aspect of this fence building that quite frankly I had forgotten about, was the idea of
preparing a Relationship Contract. The idea of coming to an agreement with your spouse after
the affair defining your relationship, writing it out, and signing it. Dr. Frank Gunzburg states
that, “This contract becomes a symbol of your renewed relationship and the practices that you
intend to institute throughout your relationship.”
What a great idea! Now Doug and I can sit down and discuss everything about our life
together, and come up with an actual document that can represent not only the challenges that
we have gone through together, but also the agreements and the boundaries that we have
established. (I’m sure this is just what Doug wants to do!)
As Gunzburg puts it, the contract becomes the “gate” in our relationship fence. It is a physical
piece of evidence, if you will, that represents all the different components of our relationship.
What goes in a Relationship Contract?
Dr. Gunzburg’s course takes you through the healing and recovery process after the affair to get
you to the point where you can be ready to formulate a contract. What you include in your
contract is totally up to you, but you will probably want to address issues such as individual
needs, communication, transparency, boundaries, conflict resolution, sex, parenting, household
obligations, etc. Whatever you feel you want to include. After all it’s your contract and your
relationship.
The contract can be as simple as an outline, notes on a scratch pad, or it can be a business type
contract. You can download an example of a contract taken from the course workbook by
using this link. The important thing is that you both agree to it and commit to it.
After Doug’s emotional affair, I felt as though our old marriage kind of dissolved, and a new one
has begun. This is the perfect opportunity to cement everything we have learned about
ourselves, our marriage, the good the bad, and all the potential hurdles and pitfalls that we
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now know can cause problems. This will make each of our expectations clear and will formally
establish our future plans for our relationship.
I think the process itself of formulating the contract is the best part. It is an effective
communication tool promoting honesty, transparency, understanding, and agreement of all the
various aspects of our future life together.
I realize that many of you may not be to the point where you feel you have accepted the affair
and are ready to move on, but if you are, I suggest you do something like this. If nothing else,
at least go through the communication process to formally define and agree upon what your
future relationship together will look like after the affair.
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A Reader’s Struggle to Survive an Affair
Somebody sent us this letter via email over the weekend and we felt that it was pretty powerful
stuff. It is from a woman who is apparently working hard at surviving an affair – her own – as
well as the backlash of emotions and painful feelings felt by her husband as a result.
What struck us was how after the affair, the wife (cheating spouse) feels tremendous remorse
and wants more than anything to work on their marriage and “win” her husband back, yet the
husband (victim) wants no part of it and won’t change the way that he feels.
Utter frustration and desperation is setting in and she is at a loss for how to proceed. Divorce is
becoming a real possibility.
Here is the letter…
It seems like reading your blog accurately depicts the last year or so of my life. I went through
the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” chapter. I’ve been through “the affair” chapter, as
the cheater. I’m now in the middle of the “question of divorce” chapter and “can my marriage
be saved?” chapter.
The actual words of “I love you, but I’m no longer in love with you” came from both my lips and
my husband’s. Those words were uttered from him just recently, and I have to say the meaning
behind them scares me! I remember how I felt when I said that to him, and now being on the
receiving end of it, I now know how he felt when I said it. I also know how he feels now saying it
to me. Because of this, I get this sinking feeling that he has about thrown in the towel.
He is completely caught up in the very real pain of having been cheated upon and lied to, and I
can’t blame him at all. However, I do not want our marriage to end! I have made some HUGE
mistakes, but I believe there is hope.
I am the last person on Earth he wants to receive any help from. He is in absolute denial, and it’s
killing me! I want to try so badly! I want to do the hard work, but I’m not sure he does! So do I
sit back and wait as he stagnates?
He tells me that he doesn’t know what to say to me anymore, that he doesn’t want to hurt me,
that he doesn’t like me very much. I know that forgiveness is a process, but he won’t do
anything about the way he feels. Above all, I don’t want him to hurt anymore. I want him to feel
joy and happiness again. I want him to be able to trust me again. I want to have the happiness
we once had. If he doesn’t, then none of my desires to make things right matter. I’m afraid any
move I make will push him out the door toward divorce!!
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I read your blog, and I’ve read some of the books, and I’m willing to do the difficult work of
rebuilding my marriage. I’m willing to be completely transparent. I’m willing to be completely
open and honest, but none of this matters if he won’t listen.
I know that numbers don’t lie! I look at the stats about divorce and I know that those numbers
depict a grim future for us if we get a divorce! I don’t want to be with anyone else! I wish that I
could take it all back! I wish that it didn’t take this separation and these awful events to make
me realize how much I love my husband!!!
All of that is now water under the bridge, and I can never ever take it back. I can only move
forward, and move forward with the knowledge that I will never be that person again, and that I
will never do those things again! I will keep persevering because I believe that our marriage is
worth it! I believe my husband is worth it! I just hope that our story can someday be a testament
to truth, faith and hard work! Because right now, we are in the thick of the battle.
I don’t know what the outcome may be. I believe that if my husband is not sure about a divorce,
then there is still hope. It’s hard to see that sometimes. I get so bogged down in the sadness and
heartache that it’s hard to see that there is some beacon of hope for our marriage.
It’s in those dark times that I pray for strength and perseverance to make it through one more
day. What Dr. Gunzburg says about knowing when it’s time to get a divorce, that its clear cut
and one doesn’t have to ask others whether or not he or she should, gives me hope that there is
still a chance for our marriage to work because my husband isn’t sure. He’s questioning himself.
He is still doubting.
I believe he still loves me, even though he’s very angry, hurt, and betrayed. If he isn’t sure, if he
doesn’t feel that 100% feeling then I still have hope. It seems counterintuitive to be assured by
such a negative prospect. I look at it this way, if he wasn’t hurting, if he wasn’t doubting, if he
wasn’t questioning, if he wasn’t angry, then I would know he didn’t care.
But with all of that in mind, I can say that he does care. It may be only a fraction of a percent
right now. It may be so small that he just doesn’t see it, but it’s there nonetheless. Now, that
does not mean he will be willing to try after he gets unstuck. He may be too worn out to even
attempt at giving our marriage a second shot. That may still be the case, and if that is well,
then, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
But for now, I feel at least a small comfort in knowing that he hasn’t completely given up. His
reasons may not be very good. As a matter of fact, I asked him why he didn’t want a divorce the
other day, and he said because he didn’t want to hurt me. I can’t deny that I didn’t like what he
said. It hurt, but I also had to take into account where he was, emotionally in the game when I
asked him this question. I had to take comfort in knowing that he cares enough to try to not hurt
me even after all the hurt I caused him. It put a different perspective on what is happening at
this stage of our relationship.
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I know that I want to try. I also know that I have received lots of counseling and spiritual support
since we have separated. I have sought to change. I have taken accountability for all of my
actions. I have re-committed to my marriage because I believe it is worth all of the hard work.
I’m vulnerable and willing to remain that way. But he’s not there yet, and I can’t force him to be
there. But I also believe he is trying to be honest in the best way he knows how.
The problem is, he doesn’t want to ask for help. I don’t know if he thinks it will show weakness
on his part or if he thinks that there is nothing that anyone can do to help him out of this bad
place he’s in right now, but either way, he’s in a regressed place compared to me. I have to keep
this in mind every time I want to talk about our relationship.
Where I see hope, he sees no hope. Where I see potential he sees all the negative images of my
infidelity. And I have to remind myself that he’s just not ready. It’s the waiting that is the
hardest part of all of this.
This letter demonstrates yet again how painful and destructive an affair can be, and just how
tough surviving an affair is – especially when only one spouse is interested in doing so.
We would love to get your responses to this letter, as we’re sure that it hits home with many of
you.
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7 Tips For Backing Off After the Affair
Dr. Robert Huizenga, in his book “Break Free From the Affair,” recommends victims “back off”
from the cheating spouse after learning of an affair. We received an email recently asking me
to clarify more about what exactly I did when “backing off” after the affair. I can attest to the
fact that it isn’t an easy thing to do, as your instincts tend to tell you to do the opposite. But it
does work.
I’ve edited the email from this person somewhat so as to not give away any sensitive
information, but I think you will get the idea:
Hi Doug & Linda,
I was wondering if you can clarify some stuff for me. First, some background. My husband and I
have been together for 7 years. Lately, everything in our life has changed. My husband lost his
full-time job and I quit my job because we planned on moving. I found out I was pregnant, and
we had to move into his parent’s house.
D-day for me was about 2 1/2 weeks ago. The affair has been going on for about a month now.
My husband has a side job in the same town where she lives on the weekends, so he goes out of
town to where she lives. I know he’s having contact with her because my friends have told me
they have seen them making out in public.
He calls her or texts her every chance he gets. Even in front of me. He has told me that he is
confused and doesn’t know what he wants right now. He says he will not choose right now. I
have read the book “Break Free From the Affair” and found that in these last two weeks I have
possibly made every mistake I could have to try to get him back! I have also found out that his
type of affair was because he “fell out of love.” I know that this was the type of affair you both
went through. I know now that I have to “back off.” My questions start with this method.
Linda, how exactly did you back off? Were you still intimate with Doug? Did you still show him
affection? Did you still act as a regular wife to him, i.e. cook, kiss him, take care of him? Do I just
shut him out and act like I’m not even with him? Did you stop calling or texting him when he
was not home? These are my biggest questions because I know I’m not supposed to pressure
him or anything like that, but I don’t know how I am supposed to act around him. Any advice
will be greatly appreciated!!!
Thanks!
“Jenny”
My response to her…
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Hi “Jenny”,
Backing off after the affair can be very difficult if you are trying to do everything possible to save
your marriage. Initially I tried to give Doug everything I believed he was missing from our
marriage – companionship, dates, sex etc,. and honestly I went overboard.
For me, backing off meant stop getting in his face and start working on me. I was focusing so
much on him, Tanya, and the affair that I never really thought about what I needed in our
marriage, the pain I was in and how I was going to handle this. Here are some suggestions:
1. Let him know that you want to save your marriage, but you will not tolerate his affair. You
are going to be OK with or without him, and you will be doing what is best for you in the future.
2. Stop bringing up the affair and the other woman. As difficult as this is, try to refrain from
getting into emotional conversations about the OW and his feelings about her and the affair. I
made a big mistake here, as my words reaffirmed what he was thinking. At times I told him he
should be with her and that they did belong together. I was so stupid.
3. Don’t throw books, articles and websites at him expecting him to read them so that he can
become enlightened. It will be a waste of time right now.
4. Don’t be afraid to let him spend some time by himself. I was so afraid to let Doug alone,
thinking he would be contacting her. If he wants to contact her, he will contact her. You cannot
stop him. He needs some time to think about things. I thought if I gave him time to think he
would realize he didn’t want to be with me. But I believe the emptiness around the house is
good for them. It gives them an opportunity to feel the pain and guilt.
5. Begin doing things that you enjoy, slow down the pace, do something different from what
you usually do. Go outside and read a book. Don’t try to constantly engage him in
conversations.
6. Be his friend. Ask him how he is doing. Check on him occasionally but don’t call him all day
long.
7. I continued to be his wife, took care of him, showed him affection when he wanted it, etc. I
just stopped being needy, clingy and began to show him that I was a confident woman that was
moving on with her life after the affair.
I hope this helps,
Linda
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4 Ways to Empower Yourself After the
Emotional Affair
We have been receiving so many comments and emails recently from affair victims who are
voicing frustration about their cheating spouse’s affairs, as well as the actual state of their
marriages. When I read the comments I feel frustrated, angry and hopeless, as I remember
feeling the exact same way two years ago – not knowing where to turn or what direction to
take after Doug’s emotional affair.
Today Doug asked if I was going to respond to some of the comments. I told him that honestly I
don’t know what to say anymore. I feel as hopeless and defeated as the readers do. I feel like
telling them to walk away, and that it’s hopeless, it takes too much strength and causes so
much pain.
Well, those thoughts occurred during a moment of weakness, and by the time I went upstairs a
few minutes later I felt empowered and riled up. I am not a counselor or a therapist, but I am
someone who has been through the turmoil of an emotional affair and I have learned from my
triumphs and mistakes. I hope that maybe you can benefit from some things that I have
learned from our experience.
Here’s some thoughts:
Don’t be pulled into the fantasy of the affair. Right now your spouse is living in an illusion. The
person that he is “in love” with is an image that he created in his head. The person may be real,
but the OW is not the perfect person he believes she is. She cannot meet his needs any better
than you can. The OW is simply provided with the perfect opportunity to project her best self
onto your spouse.
Doug only experienced Tanya in a work situation, and on their special lunches. From what he
experienced during that time he believed that was her whole and true personality. He created
in his head that she was the perfect person for him. He might as well have had an emotional
affair with Angelina Jolie since he probably knew just as much about her as he really knew
about Tanya.
The affair is not your fault. Do not take responsibility for the actions of your spouse – even if
your spouse is telling you that the affair is not your fault. If he continues to tell you that what
he found in his affair partner was that which was missing in your marriage, he is still blaming
you. If he is telling you that you should have done things differently, or that his affair partner
fulfills a need, he is still blaming you.
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Until he takes full responsibility for the affair, admits that he too was part of the problem in
your marriage, and is willing to do whatever he can to make the marriage work (no contact with
other OP, see a therapist, read books, etc.) then he is still blaming you for the affair.
Your spouse may be telling you that he is unhappy in your marriage because you are negative,
bitchy, boring etc. Please do not allow your spouse to compare you to the OP and hurt your
self-esteem. Please listen to what he is telling you, then take the time to think about what is
really true and accurate.
Doug told me that I was always so negative and Tanya was always positive. I took this very
personally thinking that I could never be like her, but then I really thought about it and agreed I
had become negative over the past years. I then thought about why. I realized that I had been
working too hard, taking too much responsibility around the house, and I became tired, boring
and resentful.
I also realized there was a very easy solution to the problem, so I stopped working so hard and
started spending time doing things for myself (exercise, long bubble baths, happy hours). You
know what? The negativity magically went away.
I learned that I wasn’t doing it to save my marriage. I was saving myself and I was much happier
as a result. I took some of the load off of me and put it on Doug. Much later I realized that I
was making it very easy for him to conduct his affair. When I thought he was putting in so
much time at work, I tried to be a good wife and pick up some of his slack, but little did I know
that I was making it much easier for him to maintain his emotional affair.
Don’t be drawn into the fantasy that your spouse is perfect. Before I found out about Doug’s
emotional affair, I was very unhappy because there were many things missing in our marriage.
Our communication needed improvement, we both had become too involved with our
children’s activities and we both became boring. Doug would often stonewall me when I tried
to confront him with my discontent.
As soon as Doug told me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore I forgot everything I was
unhappy about, and blamed our problems on me. He became as perfect to me as Tanya
believed he was. I felt that if someone else overlooked his faults, then I must be too sensitive.
If he was so attentive to her then I must not be worth the effort. I began to believe that he was
as perfect as her fantasy believed he was.
Don’t go there. Make a list of his faults and look at the list realistically. Discuss this list with
your spouse . Do not allow him to treat you in a way that is not appropriate just because he
claims that the OW agrees with everything (that they communicate well etc.). Again, he is living
in a fantasy world. Their communication is not that of real life.
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Educate yourself as much as you can about affairs. You need to have the knowledge and
power and realize that your spouse has lost his mind. You are the one who needs to keep your
head on straight.
I know you are in severe pain, and you are not eating, sleeping, your pulse is moving at a rapid
rate, you are not thinking clearly, but you have to pull yourself together and pull yourself away
from the fantasy world that your spouse is experiencing.
Treat him like you understand what he is going through but you will not allow him to hurt you
in the process. Pretend you know what the future will be like, and that down the road he will be
unhappy when he finally understands that the relationship was just an illusion. Let him know
that he is risking everything for someone who he barely knows.
Do not lecture him, or constantly tell him these things, but behave in a way that demonstrates
that you know that he would be better off with you. Have the confidence that the emotional
affair will not work out and that he will regret his actions.
For many of the various books, courses, etc. that we both have used in recovering from an affair,
please visit our resource page.
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After the Affair: The No Contact Rule
We’ve mentioned many times on this blog about the harmful effects of triggers for the victim
and the necessity for the cheating spouse to maintain a no contact rule in order for a couple to
have a chance at recovering from an affair. Another important rule that I feel needs to be
enforced is a no contact rule of sorts – for the victim.
Let me explain by way of an example. Yesterday while I was working, Linda called me and I
could tell immediately by the tone of her voice that she was upset. Her first words were: “How
could you not stay with her (Tanya)?” I was taken aback just a bit, and asked what she meant.
She replied something to the effect that “She’s so pretty and she was so confident and
outgoing…and I can’t compare to that.”
I asked her where this was all coming from, as this kind of came out of left field, and why she
was feeling this way. It turns out that for whatever reason, Linda felt compelled to get on
Tanya’s work website and saw an updated picture of her. This immediately sent an emotional
tidal wave over Linda and the result was a feeling of despair, frustration and defeat.
After a few more minutes of talking, she was no better and consequently was wondering if she
can ever get over my emotional affair.
I reassured her that she can because she is a strong, beautiful woman herself, and has no
reason to be comparing herself now more than 2 years after the affair. I told her that we were
always meant to be together and that I truly f@#%ked up, but I love her and wouldn’t know
what to do without her.
After my little pep talk, I scolded her a bit for even taking a peek at the website in the first
place, and reminded her that she apparently thinks more about Tanya than I do, and for the
sake of her own mental health and for the sake of our marriage she needs to stop this type of
“contact” in the future.
She has a hard time with triggers to begin with, and if makes no sense for her to go out looking
for them when she knows how badly they will affect her.
So take this little experience to heart. If you are the victim of an affair, find out what you need
to find out about the OP immediately, then do your best to let it go. In fact, it might not be a
bad idea to make it some sort of ritual to burn the OP’s pictures, delete emails and texts, cancel
Facebook accounts – hell, pitch your spouse’s damn cell phone in the river – whatever – just as
a way of symbolizing the purging of the OP from your life. Sure the pain is there and the
memories are hard to live with, but looking for things that haunt you is not the answer.
Working on your relationship and saving your marriage is.
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I know many of you are thinking, “Yah, easy for you to say…” But you know what, as far as I’m
concerned, Tanya is a distant memory and I have chosen to focus on making things better for us
now and in the future. I choose not to dwell in the past. This may be easier for me to do than
most people, but I don’t know.
I feel as though I have been successful at eliminating Tanya from my brain. I’ve lived by the no
contact rule. I’ve never texted her, or sent an email, made a phone call, or checked her website
since I ended things. I have no desire to, and I plan on keeping it that way. And that’s exactly
what Linda needs to do. Otherwise, the pain after the affair is relived over and over and over
again.
Perhaps Linda should print off a copy of that picture and burn it. What do you think?
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A Letter to Doug About His Emotional Affair
I brought up a few conversations with Doug last week about details of his emotional affair with
Tanya that really did not make him very happy. I understand why, (my poor timing for one
thing) but I also know that these conversations are an important aspect of my understanding
and healing from his affair.
I knew that the last thing he would want to do is have another discussion about this today
(Sunday), so I thought I would write him a letter expressing my thoughts. I also thought it might
be beneficial for many of you as well.
Dear Doug,
I know that I have been bringing up the emotional affair for the last two years and feel that I
have exhausted every question, every reason. I know that you feel that there is nothing else to
say that hasn’t been said before. I want to tell you that isn’t true. Two years ago when we
began this journey your answers to my questions were completely different, and as the months
and years passed your answers kept changing to the point that I believed you were discussing a
totally different woman and relationship than you had two years ago. So you can see my
determination to finally arrive at the truth about your affair.
I know that you believe that I don’t need to know all the facts, which in some ways is true, but
knowing the dynamics of your relationship and what you received from her would greatly help
me with my healing. I want to feel secure knowing that I am doing everything I can to make you
happy. I know you say that I am perfect and am doing everything right, but I need to experience
that security myself, and feel in control. Understanding your affair is the only way I am going to
arrive at that place.
I finally feel you have come to a place that you understand the reality of your relationship with
Tanya, and for the most part you have put the illusions away. I can deal with the reality of the
situation – the fantasy was too unattainable and too out of reach. The things that you tell me
now help me understand why your relationship was so addicting and so difficult to give up. It
also helped me understand what you were missing and how she filled the void.
I also have learned that I don’t want to do the things that Tanya did. Those behaviors
demonstrate a person that has a confused idea of what real love truly is. I understand why her
jealousy and possessiveness was not a major problem for you because it was flattering. You felt
needed and loved. I can’t act that way towards you because to me jealously represents an
insecure way to gain control.
I know that there are many other ways to show you that you are a loved and needed, and I hope
that I am displaying them to you in my way and that they are meaningful because they don’t
include games, juvenile displays and being someone I am not. I hope that I show you I love you
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every day by my commitment to our relationship, always having your best interest at heart and
being supportive in everything you do.
I have resigned to the fact that I will never be a bubbling, flirtatious, jealous and controlling
woman. Deep down I know that is something you never really wanted anyways. Fortunately, I
have realized what you really need and that is to be appreciated, respected and loved and I am
confident that I know how to do that. I am warning you though, that it will not always be
magical, addicting, and exciting, but with me you will always feel secure, it will always be real
and it will last the rest of your life. With me there are no games. What you see is what you get.
I wear my heart on my sleeve but I am intensely loyal to the people I love.
So I hope you understand that if our real conversations about your emotional affair can produce
this kind of insight, that it is a positive thing for the both of us. I know it is painful talking about
something that produces so much anxiety and guilt. I really understand because I feel the same
way when we talk about my mistakes of the past, but it makes those mistakes real, and helps us
learn from them and therefore we are able to make things better.
That is all I really want for us, to move on and have a wonderful marriage, but we need to really
talk about things first. I hope you understand that until you let that illusion go we really weren’t
talking, you were just trying to pull me into your fantasy. I want everything about our lives to be
real, and I want the reality to be wonderful.
Love always,
Linda
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8 Communication ‘Don’ts’ After the Affair
Communication after the affair is necessary for the victim to understand and to facilitate the
healing and recovery process. You have many questions about the affair and it’s cause, and you
want some answers. Wanting to know all the details about the affair and the OP is very
natural. How you go about communicating with the cheating spouse though is crucial. Here
are 8 “don’ts” for effective communication that we have determined must be avoided so that
the victim can have a better chance at getting the cheating spouse to open up and talk about
their affair.
Don’t ambush. Jumping all over the cheating spouse when he walks in the door after work is
not conducive to a positive exchange of dialogue. Neither is waking him up in the middle of the
night to talk. It creates a defensive posture and resentment which will cause the cheating
spouse to shut down communication and more than likely anger him to boot. If possible,
schedule a time where you can have a productive discussion, or at the very least, ease into a
conversation when the situation warrants it.
Don’t turn every conversation into an affair conversation. I’ll explain this one via an example.
Friday night Linda and I were out on the town for a little bit while our daughters were at a
football game. We were having a good time, and we started to talk about our daughters and
Linda mentioned that one of their friends was a real flirt. The next thing I know, Linda is firing
questions at me and we were full bore into a conversation about Tanya and her flirtatious
tendencies. I got frustrated and upset that she did that, she got emotional, and basically that
portion of our evening was ruined. (Though it did get better later!) This leads me to the next
“don’t.”
Don’t ruin a good thing. As they say, “Timing is everything.” Don’t turn a positive experience
with your spouse into a disappointing and frustrating event – for both of you. If you are trying
to save your marriage by rekindling some intimacy in your relationship, by let’s say…going out
on a romantic boat cruise…This is not a good time to bring up the affair. The result is more
anger and resentment.
Don’t make assumptions. Don’t take a statement made by the cheating spouse and twist it and
turn it into something that it is not. Get a thorough understanding of what he meant – repeat
the statement back for clarification if necessary – and come to an agreement of what he really
was saying.
Don’t interrogate. Nobody wants to feel as though they are being interrogated by the CIA. The
fact that the victim is going to want to ask questions is actually expected by the cheating
spouse. He knows he is going to have to face the music after the affair. Make it a conversation
and not a drill.
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Don’t make it a marathon. This goes hand in hand with the interrogation rule. It’s fine to have
a conversation and to answer some questions, but don’t make it something that goes on
forever at one sitting. Short, poignant conversations work best.
Don’t close your ears. Effectively listen to what your spouse is saying. Repeat for clarification if
need be. Hell, write down the answers if you need to. This may eliminate the need to ask the
same questions over and over.
Don’t be argumentative. This is pretty much self-explanatory, and goes along with the backing
off strategy. If every discussion turns into an argument, then eventually there be fewer and
fewer discussions in the future. The result is that communication comes to a standstill.
When you need to get your cheating spouse to talk after the affair, try to follow the guidelines
above, and I bet you will have a better shot at good heart-to-heart discussions regarding the
affair, your relationship and your future together.
These ideas have either worked for us or are based on mistakes that we have made after the
emotional affair, but every situation and relationship is different. We’d like to hear what has
worked for you!
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Put an End to Mistrust After the Affair
Many of the comments recently as usual have centered on the trust issue. Basically, the victims
are having a hard time trusting the cheating spouse and believing what he/she is saying after
the affair. To reconstruct a devastated relationship which has been shredded by lies, you want
to form a new foundation of trust, one brick at a time.
Knowing with 100% precision whether the cheating spouse is lying to you could be a futile use
of your resources. At some particular point, you have got to trust that your spouse is not lying
to you, so long as the cheater conducts himself in a trustworthy way. What is common with
most couples who have a commitment to this process is that the hurt spouse requires more
from the cheating spouse after the affair than just an acknowledgment of remorse. The hurt
person wants to understand the cheater is aiming at a change of personality both inwardly and
outwardly.
Here are some express actions you can take. Naturally, customize these to your relationship.
Step one. Define the Mistrust Triggers: Review your past week or past month. Think about
some actions or inactions that were private triggers for mistrust in you, if you were the hurt
person, or if you were the cheater, the way you have conducted yourself during the past. As an
example, is he returning home an hour late and not bothering to call to tell you, causing a flash
of scenes to pass across your mind?
Is she supposed to be at her desk all day, but doesn’t answer her desk telephone, and her cellphone has been turned off, leaving you to ask where she is and what is going on? Or, are you
the person showing up late or unavailable by telephone, making those triggers of distrust?
Step two. Boost your Transparency: If you were the cheating spouse, look at ways to stay in
contact more frequently and to be more open about your activities. As an example, select two
times during the day when you’ll call and have a quick conversation to talk about how your day
is going.
Step three. Remove a Trigger: Select one of the personal triggers, whether you were the
partner who cheated or the wounded partner, and work on taking away the power of that
trigger. It may involve step two, where you open your life up to observation in some way. As an
example, it could be that, if routinely you do not reveal details of your day, you share a real
story today with your partner concerning your work life. Then, do it again soon.
Initially, some spouses argue that revealing their whereabouts and activities feels like they’re
“checking in,” as if to a parent. If that’s your approach, you’re going to feel resentful. This
checking-in disposition will interrupt your capability to rebuild trust with your spouse after the
affair.
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You may want to practice thinking of your new behavior as beginning a new age of
transparency in your relationship. This is a loving gift you give your partner to prompt trust and
show your zeal to your marriage.
The leap to transparency can be a big one as the two of you will be going through a growth
process, perhaps learning new techniques of communicating with each other that you have
never attempted before. Each of you will want to make a self-commitment to conducting
yourself in a trustworthy way over some time to make a new and stronger framework inside
which to reconstruct your marriage after the affair.
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An Important Reminder About Healing From
an Emotional Affair
I was reminded this weekend of a valuable lesson about recovering from an emotional affair. A
lesson that certainly was obvious, but one that I had lost sight of. As usual, I need to explain by
telling you a quick story.
Linda and I had a great day together on Saturday. The day started usual enough with both of us
doing some chores around the house. Later, we dropped our daughters off at a friend’s house,
and Linda and I proceeded to head outdoors for a very nice hike in the woods. We both love
the outdoors, and it was a beautiful Fall day, and it just couldn’t have been any better.
After the hike we went to a place that had an outdoor bar, and had a few beers and some
chicken wings, and enjoyed some nice conversation. We then scurried home to sneak in a little
bedroom time before our girls got home. All in all it was a very nice, yet simple day together.
Just how we like them!
When we got up Sunday morning, I could tell right away that something was wrong with Linda.
So I asked her, and she said that though yesterday was great, she continues to think that these
were the sort of days that I had with Tanya, and she is having a hard time getting those images
out of her head. Further, she stated that she is afraid to leave herself vulnerable for fear of
getting hurt again. Basically, she is hesitant to fully commit and be comfortable and safe for
fear that I will either have another emotional affair or possibly even leave her.
I was frustrated (though calm) and made a comment about how I wished that these little
episodes after we have a great experience together would soon end. She then made a
comment (here’s where the reminder comes in) that I needed to remember that it took a while
for me to get out of the fog and fully come back to her after my emotional affair, and that she
was patient, and that I need to have the same patience with her while she goes through this
recovery process. Her feelings were not about me personally, and that I am doing all the right
things, but she just needs time to work through this.
So whether the victim, or the cheating spouse, be sure to remember that recovery from an
emotional affair takes time. In fact, Dr. Robert Huizenga on his website says it can take two to
four years to get over an affair. I’ve learned you can’t rush it.
So if you are the cheating spouse, be sure to be patient and understanding of his/her feelings,
response to triggers and fears of what the future holds. Give him/her the opportunity to come
fully back to you. Your spouse deserves your patience.
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If you are the victim, be sure to read and gain knowledge of affairs, garner support from
someone who has your best interests in mind and be sure to communicate with your spouse on
what they can do to help you in your recovery process.
After our discussion, I had to run an errand, and while in the car I thought to myself that there
probably isn’t a worse thing that I could have done to Linda and our relationship than having
the emotional affair. The pain and misery caused by affairs can be overwhelming. It just
stands to reason that recovery can also be overwhelming, and I need to do what I can to give
Linda what she needs to completely heal.
Linda made one other statement that I wanted to pass along… “Though healing from this has
been painful and long, there have been a lot of good things that have come out of it.” She’s
talking about our relationship and how we have renewed our love for each other after my
emotional affair. Keep that in mind as your journey continues.
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Dealing With a Marital Rut
I’m on the road today and didn’t have an opportunity to write a post, so I thought I would post
this article by Dr. Frank Gunzburg about how to overcome a rut within your marriage. Marital
ruts can be a difficult thing to deal with, yet can be tremendously damaging to your marriage.
Many marital affairs can be attributed to ruts that have not been dealt with appropriately—if at
all. So take the advice within this article and do the best to make your marriage fun and
exciting. It will not only help you to avoid an affair, but also heal from an affair as well and
possibly save your marriage.
Is Your Marriage in a Rut?
A marriage rut is formed by habits, both good and bad. You and your spouse move from the
honeymoon phase to the reality of household chores, keeping food on the table and a roof over
your heads, and raising your children. These are performed by necessity and are obviously good
habits. But what’s missing in this line-up of good habits?
Maybe you noticed: there was no mention of time set aside for you and your husband to have
fun and solidify your marriage bonds. And frankly, your marriage may feel a little less than
exciting right now, or worse—one or both of you have fallen into indifference or an affair.
Here are some ideas to help spring you free from the marital-rut your marriage has fallen into
and reignite those sparks.
Day-to-Day Details: Are They Derailing Your Marriage?
In reality, the practical details of life do require ongoing maintenance, but so does your
marriage. No one wants a life of drudgery, and yet, that’s what many married couples settle for.
Excuses for not making time to nourish your marriage include:
•
There’s not enough time to get everything done around the house.
•
We don’t have money to go out for lavish dinners.
•
What spare time we have is spent with family.
•
Our schedules just don’t line up for us to get out.
Whatever the excuse, if you’re not spending time having fun with your spouse, your marriage
will suffer. Quietly, over time, your marriage bonds will erode, and one day you’ll ask yourself:
What happened to us?
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Let’s answer that now: Nothing happened. Literally. Once upon a time, you met, fell in love, and
couldn’t stand being apart from one another. And now? It’s all about clean socks and meat
specials at the grocery store.
When you and your spouse never make plans to spend time together, realize that not planning
becomes the plan. It’s the easy way out, and also the easiest way to wear your marriage down
into the proverbial rut.
So what can you do to help your marriage?
Step 1: Prioritize Your Marriage
A lot of couples complain that they have too many obligations, between work and home, to
have fun together as a couple. Maybe you’re caring for ailing parents, or one of your children
needs extra attention right now. You have to travel for work, or stay later in order to keep up
with all of your job responsibilities.
There’s no denying these issues are important. But your marriage is also important, and it’s too
easy to backburner “fun times together” as you work to manage all the other areas of your life.
Commit to placing your marriage in the top tiers of what’s important, and not putting it on hold
for a time when things will be less busy, less demanding, less time-consuming.
Step 2: Get Your Spouse On Board
Once you’ve decided to commit to having fun again with your spouse—you need to get your
spouse on board. This may seem odd, after all who wouldn’t agree to have more fun? But, you
need to sit down with your spouse, and together, evaluate how “fun” managed to get
sidetracked and everything became one never-ending list of responsibilities, so you can beware
of these traps.
When you understand which areas in your life are being prioritized over your marriage, you can
recommit to setting time aside in favor of time spent together as a couple.
Step 3: Manage Time Better to Help Your Marriage
You have to carve out time to kick back and have fun together, as a couple. There will always be
bills to pay, grocery shopping and other chores to do, and kids needing something.
If you currently use a calendar to list important events, get it out right now and write—in ink—
time for you and your spouse to connect.
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This comes back to prioritizing your marriage. You manage to make all the other dates on your
calendar: hair appointment, the fund-raising dinner, the business meeting. Time with your
spouse is just as important, and needs to be treated as such.
Step 4: Get Creative to Boost Marriage Fun
Make the effort together to find what works for you and your spouse, in your marriage. If your
budget is lean and you can’t go out for dinner, plan a themed-dinner night, shopping for and
preparing it together. If you have an issue with your schedules not aligning perfectly, take
advantage of whatever time you can find together and do something, whether it’s meeting for
lunch during the work day or at a coffee shop in the morning.
We’d be interested to hear about your experiences …
What’s getting in the way of you and your spouse having fun?
Do you feel you’re in a marital rut?
What have you done to help get your marriage back on track?
Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.
If you would like to learn more about saving your marriage, you may want to check out Dr.
Gunzburg’s free Saving Your Marriage 10-part e-course.
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My Emotional Affair With My Best Friend’s
Husband
I realized a very important lesson recently and that is because of Doug’s emotional affair I am
very vulnerable to having one myself. For two years I have been fantasizing about what his
affair was like, and wanting to have the same feelings that he experienced during his affair. I
didn’t realize until now how desperate I was to have those feelings.
This past weekend I called a friend to confirm that she was going to a monthly get together, but
her husband answered the phone, which is usually the case. I’ve known my friend and her
husband since high school, and we have traveled together and spent a considerable amount of
time with them and their family.
Whenever I talk to her husband the conversation usually turns toward his wife and our little
standing joke that she pretty much rules the roost. She had just gone back to work full time
and I asked how she was managing, and her husband said she was managing fine because he is
still the one cleaning the house and taking care of everything else around the house.
This is usually when our conversation becomes dangerous, as he usually complains, and then I
proceed to tell him that he shouldn’t take that from her. He usually says how understanding I
am, and that I know how to treat a man, etc. You can only imagine how in our joking way that
this conversation could get way out of hand. In the past I would have thought the conversation
as just good-natured joking, but that day I felt differently. It felt good to have someone
acknowledge me. It was flattering, and it was exciting that someone thought I was better than
his wife.
I could have been in the initial stages of an emotional affair. I realized that it really wouldn’t
have taken much effort, because he is as vulnerable as I am. It could begin as an innocent text
to remind him to do a chore she had demanded he take care of or an arrangement to spend
some time as a couple. Any gesture would give him the impression that someone cared about
him and was more interested in him than his wife. On the flip side, any opportunity for him to
make me feel appreciated and validated would produce those infatuated feelings.
Before Doug’s emotional affair, if I felt this way I probably would have just put it to the side,
blamed it on our stale marriage and fantasized about what it would be like to be married to
him. Now I feel the need to let the feelings out because of everything I have learned from the
affair.
Doug was out running an errand during my phone call and when he pulled in the driveway I met
him at the door expressing my guilt and feelings. I told him I just set the ground work for an
emotional affair. I was really upset, but he just looked at me like I had lost my mind, (I get that
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look a lot lately) but little did he know that I was really concerned and understood how he felt
when he was with Tanya.
I know that I made a good decision to tell him, even though I don’t think he took my admission
seriously. I also believe that we need to talk about why I had these feelings. What is missing in
our relationship or within me personally that allowed a few complimentary words make me feel
lightheaded and confident.
The positive in this is that I know this man (my friend’s husband) pretty well, and even though
he has some traits that I find appealing, I also know enough about him to realize that being in a
long term relationship would never be something that I would want or would last. The traits
that I find appealing would also become boring over time and I would eventually find myself
needing the fun and thrill that I have with Doug.
This experience has made me realize how easy it is to enter the fantasy world of an emotional
affair, and how keeping your feelings secret can produce a lot more illusion about the person
than what really exists. I understand how important it is to communicate these feelings to your
spouse, not because you want to make them jealous, but rather to let that fantasy go.
When you keep things inside and secret it is much easier to turn it into something it is not. I am
sure the Doug took it lightly because he knows that my friend’s husband is someone I am not
compatible with. I am also sure if he would have told me about Tanya at the beginning of the
emotional affair, I don’t deny that I would have been upset, but I believe that putting it out in
the open would have eliminated the illusion and helped Doug communicate better about how
he was feeling when he was around her and what was missing in our marriage and in his life.
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The Emotional Affair Still Causes Pain
I have been struggling with a lot of emotions lately. So many thoughts are going through my
head and I am having difficulty sorting everything out. I really don’t know where to turn and
what to think. I know that I have been really focusing so much on the emotional affair and on
Tanya that I can’t think straight.
It has caused the pain to return. So much so that I feel the same way I did two years ago. I can’t
understand why, but I can’t let it go.
The other night I read a book about love and it mentioned that in love there is always
ambivalence. How we cope with the ambivalence can cause problems. The book discusses
triangle relationships (affairs) and that when you are feeling unsure you will turn to another
person or activity, etc. to escape from thinking about your ambivalence.
The book mentioned that the betrayed will do the same. They will think about the affair
partner or the emotional affair so much that it distracts them from thinking about the things
they really need to focus on.
They think that their spouses are cheats, liars and betrayers. All those things are difficult to
think about. They forget that they were unhappy before the affair started, and focus on other
things to avoid thinking and dealing with those facts.
This information really hit home for me and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t let it go. Why
do I continue to focus on Tanya and the emotional affair? Doug says it seems as though I am
trying to sabotage our relationship. I disagree. I think I am trying to avoid thinking about what
really happened to our relationship.
I don’t want to think about the implications of this emotional affair. I was living in a fairy tale. I
was the princess and Doug was the perfect prince. I never believed that he would do these
things to me. I totally trusted him and believed he was committed to our marriage.
I have realized that I have to face the fact that he is not the perfect man I imaged him to be and
I wasn’t the perfect wife. We weren’t living the fairy tale I imagined. I have to mourn the death
of those silly fantasies that I always believed. For me that is very difficult. I have always tried to
live an honest life and I always expected the people around me to do the same. I have to let
that go.
I also have problems feeling the same way about Doug that I felt before the affair. I will never
be able to look at him the same way, and that really disturbs me. I told him I will never be able
to look at him the way Tanya did and he deserves to have a woman look at him that way.
I need to totally change my expectation of love. I need to understand what love really is.
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I told Doug I need to put this triangle (the affair) behind me and focus on falling in love with him
again. Falling in love without expectations of perfection or other illusions, but with who we
really are.
I really just want to start over again with Doug. I want to look at the man that I am married to
and love him for who he is, even with the mistakes he has made. I want to look at him and see
all the good things he has done to make things right since his emotional affair. I want to move
on with a realistic notion that he will not be the perfect man, and I will not be the perfect wife,
but that is what will make our love and marriage stronger.
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The Pink Fluffy Bathrobe
When I found out that Doug had fallen out of love with me and found someone else who was
“perfect” for him, I set out to clean house on myself. I definitely took the blame, and thought I
needed to make a lot of changes to save my marriage. Obviously, I wasn’t thinking clearly and
was desperate, so I set out to change everything after the affair.
I threw away all my old underwear and bras and bought matching, sexier ones. I tossed all the
old boxers and sweats I wore around the house in exchange for cute little nighties. I also wore
my padded, push-up bra around the house (like I was really fooling Doug into thinking I have big
boobs). I put make-up on when I woke up in the morning. I even began closing the door when I
used the bathroom, and the list goes on and on.
Looking back I wonder what I was thinking. Would these stupid little things really help me to
save my marriage? If so, then the marriage wasn’t worth saving in the first place. But these little
things have been very difficult for me to let go of, and I really didn’t understand why until
recently.
Saturday morning when Doug and I got out of bed, it was a beautiful, cool, fall morning and I
preceded to put on my shear little nighty, like I have for the past two years. I have learned to
sacrifice warm for sexiness. Doug asked why I was wearing that, and why I didn’t put on my
pink fluffy bathrobe. I looked at him like he had lost his mind. I was thinking I can’t wear that
because it swallows me up and you can only see my head and toes.
He was confused why I didn’t wear the bath robe anymore, but then he told me that I looked
beautiful in that robe, and very sexy because it looked like I was naked underneath it. His
words were so sweet and genuine that I really felt secure when I put on the robe. He really did
good!
I realized that I was afraid to let all the silly little changes go. I was afraid that he would leave
me or fall out of love with me again. I guess those silly little things were my security blanket. It
really made me think about what I had changed about myself because of his emotional affair,
and that I need to bring those things back because they define who I really am.
Doug and I have made some very good changes concerning our marriage, and personally we
have definitely thought about how our behaviors and communication contributed to the
distance that had existed in our marriage before the affair. However, wearing a bathrobe,
closing the door and always wanting Doug to see me as perfect can be thrown out of the door.
I can save my marriage by just being who I really am.
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32 Questions to Ask Yourself if in a Marital
Affair
When Doug was going through his emotional affair, it was pretty safe to say that he wasn’t
thinking logically. I often wonder how things may have been different if he had been. I was
thinking about this the other day and came up with some questions (I counted 32 of them) the
cheating spouse may want to consider when involved in a marital affair. If you are the betrayed
spouse, these questions may also be a good starting point for conversation concerning the
affair.
Do you really know the person you are involved with? I’m sure that you feel you know this
person better than you know yourself, but you also need to consider that you are only seeing
this person in a limited environment. It is easy to base your assumptions on this setting,
however you also need to look at the bigger picture. You need to look at the OP’s relationships
with the other people in their life. Listen to what they say about these relationships. Is their
behavior with those people consistent with the behavior you see from your affair partner? If
you are seeing a positive, easy going person, are their relationships with their family and friends
the same, or are they more critical? Is there conflict? Begin to listen to what your affair
partner is telling you and try to base your perceptive not only on how they are treating you but
how they treat other people.
Does your affair partner bring out the best in you? Does having the affair partner in your life
make you a better person? Are you being a person who stands by their commitments to their
family, work and life, or are you being selfish and only thinking about your own needs? Are you
neglecting and removing yourself from your obligations? When you look in the mirror do you
like who you see?
Does you affair partner have your best interests in mind? A perfect example of this was during
my brother’s marital affair. One of the most important things in my brother’s life is his children.
His affair partner discouraged him to contact them and even sabotaged his relationship with
them by saying things that turned my brother against them. If she really cared about him,
rather than her own insecurities, she would have encouraged him to be close to his children
and nurture his bond with them.
Do you trust your affair partner? Has this a person been completely honest with you? Does
this person have integrity and believe in commitment? Does this person respect the
boundaries of a relationship and is loyal to the people they are committed to?
Are you knowledgeable about the difference between infatuation and mature love? Have you
read books, websites, and other resources that discuss the chemical reactions that exemplifies
what is feels like to be infatuated compared to mature love? Do you understand that
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infatuation has a very short shelf life and is often called “blind love?” Are you sure you are not
in this stage and are confused as to what it feels like to be in mature love?
Is your affair partner secure and confident enough to handle all the baggage and history you
bring with you from your marriage? Are they able to handle being a part of a bigger family that
includes your children, your ex-spouse, friends, etc.? You may leave your marriage, but these
people will always be part of your life.
Do you have enough in common to sustain a relationship? I know in the beginning you focus on
the few things you do have in common and try to put aside the differences. You need to ask
yourself if those commonalities are a passion for both of you. Is this something you want to
spend your evenings and weekends doing? Will the differences outweigh the similarities?
Are there other reasons why you are involved in a marital affair? Is there something missing in
your life that could cause you to fill this void with another person? Are you only using this
person as a diversion rather than focusing on the real problems that exist in your life and your
relationships?
Do you want to be with this person because of the way they make you feel? Are they feeding
your ego? Do you feel wanted and needed? If your spouse makes you feel this way would you
want to be with them? Are you in love with the feeling rather than the person? What would
happen if this person didn’t make you feel this way, would you still have those in love feelings
for them?
There you have it. I hope that you can take some time to ask yourself – or your spouse – these
questions (maybe not all at once!) which should help you uncover a ton of information about
the marital affair, as well as about the person(s) involved. By the way, at one point or another I
have asked everyone of these questions of Doug – probably more than once!
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Marriage Makeover: Stop Working on the
Relationship
Recently we were asked to review “Infidelity Recovery: Marriage Makeover” by Dr. Robert
Huizenga, and in the introductory section there was a story about a couple that he was
counseling and they were having a terrible time after the husband had an affair. The couple
had resigned themselves to “work on the relationship,” but for some reason they were at an
impasse.
The wife would try her hardest to make the husband comfortable when he came home from
work. She would affirm and welcome him. The husband explained how he tried to talk more,
be present for her and meet her needs. He tried to make her feel more desirable and loved.
Each was hanging on the other’s words.
In addition to a lot of tension that surrounded them, the couple was worn out emotionally and
physically. There was little life in each of them and in the relationship.
Surprisingly enough, Dr. Huizenga’s advice to the couple was to stop working on their
relationship. After a week or so, the result was a new sense of relief and freedom, and the start
of a new foundation for love and intimacy within their relationship.
The following are some difficulties that Dr. Huizenga says are typically experienced when a
couple commits to “working on the relationship:”
1. “Working on the relationship” often implies that each “should or must” act, feel and think
particular ways to make their efforts successful. A “should” sets one up for failure and
disappointment, for no one ever fully acts, thinks for feels as they “should.” An atmosphere of
effort and grinding it out permeates the couple. And, each holds his/her breath, as they both
believe that failure follows the next interaction. Talk about pressure!
2. “Working on the relationship” for a huge percentage of the couples means being “nice,”
accommodating the other and being on your best behavior. Conflict is seen as a catastrophe.
Such a strategy, in essence, obscures and clouds the truth. The truth, which sets a couple free,
is relegated to the background and buried under the surface.
3. “Working on the relationship” often means trying to find a “middle ground.” There must be
“something in common” that the couple has that will hold them together and make it better.
Well, maybe there isn’t any “common ground!” And, just maybe that is good. Perhaps the
differences, the extremes, give the couple fire and passion and create, together, that which
each, at one level, is looking for.
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4. “Working on the relationship” often means working hard to meet the needs of the other. I
“sacrifice” my needs, or at least put them on the back burner, and intentionally go about
“making my partner happy” by attending to his/her needs. This may work for a period of time
but resentment at some point emerges since one or both believe that the need meeting is not
being reciprocated to the degree he/she would like.
5. “Working on the relationship” often is thwarted because there is not enough depth.
Individual differences are not pursued with a curiosity and intensity that allows for maximum
growth of the individual and therefore couple. “Issues” are not torn apart, looked at, marveled
at, appreciated and seen as a resource for further self exploration and self disclosure.
6. “Working on the relationship” often comes up short because a couple easily reverts to old
patterns. They begin to “swirl” in the old communication patterns and ways of thinking, feeling
and acting. When lacking adequate exploration of differences and avoiding conflict the couple
easily slides back into that which was familiar, not pleasant or comfortable, but certainly known
territory.
After the affair you shouldn’t merely want to “work on” the relationship, but you should want a
total overhaul. After all, the infidelity crisis does provide a great opportunity to recreate and
redesign the relationship, now that you are wiser.
Great advice!
Click the link for more information about the Marriage Makeover program from Dr. Huizenga.
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After the Affair: Tough Love Brings Subtle
Changes
I’ve been reading the book “Love Must be Tough” by James C. Dobson primarily because I’ve
been noticing many comments where our readers are frustrated by the actions of their
cheating spouse. Not just with their actions of having an emotional affair or physical affair
itself, but with their actions after the affair. The denials, the lying, the not giving up the other
person, etc.
I happen to agree with Dobson and his idea of “tough love” and wish I would have used it with
Doug from the onset.
One of the themes I hear regularly is when the victim becomes clingy and tries to do everything
in their power to make their cheating spouse stay, or give up their affair, but to no avail.
According to Dobson, the opposite response towards the cheater tends to be the most
effective.
Dobson says that interesting changes begin to occur in the relationship if the victimized spouse
convinces the partner that his freedom is secure. Obviously, every situation is unique, but there
are typical and common reactions.
According to Dobson, three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously
“clingy” spouse begins to let go of the cheating spouse:
1. The cheating partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the clingy spouse, and their
relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain
between the two partners is often eased.
2. As the cheating spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself
changes. After wondering for weeks or months, “How can I get out of this marriage?” he now
asks, “Do I really want to go?” Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less
anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home!
3. The third change occurs not in the mind of the cheating spouse but in the mind of the
vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better — somehow more in control of the situation.
There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the spouse
to come back, the affair to end or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to
respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return.
Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all after the affair, there are ample rewards for
doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan — a program —
a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the
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utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process
begins.
Looking back, I can see how I actually did offer Doug tough love, but took way too long to do
so. Once I told Doug that he was free to go, I noticed that his apparent desire to be in his
emotional affair with Tanya started to reverse.
Click the following link to get more information about “Love Must be Tough” or to purchase it
from Amazon.
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8 Ways to Protect Your Marriage from
Infidelity
No marriage is affair proof. We are all at risk of losing our focus and being swept into an
emotional affair or perhaps even sexual infidelity. But you can do several things to safeguard
your marriage. Here are eight ways to do so according to James C. Dobson, author of “Love
Must be Tough:”
1. Stay honest with yourself and with your spouse. If you find yourself attracted to someone,
admit it quickly to yourself and to your spouse. Honesty is the key to preventing a relationship
from escalating into infidelity.
2. Avoid magazines, movies and other forms of entertainment that can increase your tolerance
of affairs.
3. Try to see your relationships from your spouse’s perspective. What would your spouse be
comfortable with? How would he or she feel about what you are doing?
4. Do not flirt. Most affairs begin with what’s considered “innocent flirting,” but there’s no such
thing! Flirting is not a part of friendship.
5. Keep your marriage as your No. 1 priority. Make sure you are working to meet your spouse’s
most important needs. If you’re not sure what those are, ask.
6. Grow together spiritually. Pray with each other and for each other.
7. Set boundaries about how you will interact with the opposite sex. For instance, you and your
spouse may decide that neither of you will be alone with someone of the opposite sex, even for
business lunches or late nights at work.
8. Surround yourselves with happily married couples who don’t believe in fooling around.
You can keep your marriage safe from infidelity, whether an emotional affair or physical one.
But it requires open, honest communication and a commitment to do whatever it takes to keep
your marriage your No. 1 relationship.
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My Struggles After the Emotional Affair
Our weekly discussion topic posted yesterday asked you what your biggest struggles were after
the affair. I certainly wanted to add my two cents, but I tend to get a little long winded and
decided to post it instead. So…
What has been my biggest struggle after Doug’s emotional affair? Firstly, it is trying to put all
the memories, the words, and actions that I know are true behind me and not dwell on them
every day. Secondly, erasing all the illusions and fantasies I have about the affair, about Tanya,
the pictures that I have in my mind, and the scenarios of what I thought their relationship was
like. And the hardest struggle of all is finding myself again.
All of these struggles have been eating me alive for the last two years. It has been a battle that
has stripped me of happiness and love. Finally, I decided I had to make a decision to either let it
go or live the rest of my life afraid of love and life.
I had been thinking a lot about the fantasy of the emotional affair and how I have contributed
to that fantasy, and have actually kept it alive with my constant questions and insecurities. I
have thought about why I continue to do this and what I can do to break the habit, and to
permanently “back off.”
This week, I’m reading a book recommended by one of the readers of this site called “Loving
What Is: Four questions that can change your life,” by Byron Katie. In the book, the author
recommends that you question the things in your life that are causing so much pain. She tells
you to first ask yourself if it is true, and continues with a series of questions until you realize
that a lot of things we fear are only in our minds. I started doing this exercise and realized that
a lot of the things I am hanging onto are no longer true. I don’t need to be afraid of them any
longer, and honestly many of them were never true to begin with. They were illusions that
Doug and I had created in our minds.
I also realized there is no room in our lives for Tanya and I have really put a stop to talking and
thinking about her. It is just Doug and I together, doing our best to love each other and enjoy
each other and our life together.
The last three weeks Doug had been spending some time out of town for work and
consequently, I have had some time to myself to really think about things and rediscover who I
am. I found however, that when he was gone I felt like my old self again. I was more relaxed
and I felt free. I was really concerned why I was feeling this way, so I thought about what was
happening. I worried that perhaps I wanted to be alone and that I didn’t really love him, etc.
I came to conclusion that I loved him very much and missed him terribly, but what I didn’t love
and was missing was ME. I wanted to be “myself” again. I lost that person two years ago. So I
have been working to bring myself back, to love myself again, and to look at my behaviors that I
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have developed over the last two years and analyze why I am doing them. Am I acting this way
because I want acceptance and love, or am I being true to myself? I really don’t know how I
came to the place where I am now, but I know that I am almost back to my old self.
Sunday morning Doug kissed me when he was getting out of bed, and I rolled over to look at
him, when I looked in his eyes I saw the man I had fell in love with 30 years ago. I looked at him
without pain or disgust. His emotional affair never entered my mind. And when he looked at
me I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. It was a feeling that I had long forgotten.
We didn’t really say anything after that, but a couple of hours later Doug said that when he
looked at me this morning he had never seen me look so beautiful. I knew exactly what he was
talking about, as it was definitely a magical moment.
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How to Get Your Spouse to Change
Many of our recent posts have centered on working on your marriage after the affair using
“Tough Love” and by backing off and not working so hard on the relationship. Relationship
expert and creator of Marriage Fitness, Mort Fertel has a really good perspective with respect
to trying to get your spouse to change, and we wanted to share some of his wisdom with you
today.
In your quest to fix your marriage after the affair, you may encounter resistance–from your
spouse! Your spouse may dwell on the 101 reasons why “this just won’t work for us” and blame
you for everything.
Or, your spouse may be emotionally “checked-out” of the marriage and not care about your
efforts to improve the situation or be willing to extend any effort of their own.
This leads to the question that many tend to ask: ”How do I get my spouse to change?”
Why would your spouse resist positive change in your marriage and what should you do about
it?
There’s a deep-seeded belief in our culture that people resist change, no matter what. But is
this true? Do people really want things to remain status quo? Do we really not want things to
change? If you look closely at human nature, it’s not change itself we resist; it’s change that’s
imposed upon us.
Think about it. We have no problem with change that we initiate ourselves. But when we feel
forced or manipulated to change, then we resist with all our might.
Your spouse may not be willing to change for the sake of your marriage right now, but that’s
not because your spouse doesn’t want a great marriage. Everyone wants a great marriage. It’s
because if they’re going to change, they want the change to be their idea.
Almost certainly, your spouse will decide to change when they’re ready to change and not one
second before. And the more you push them, urge them, nudge them, ask them, scream at
them, or beg them, the less likely they are to change. I know it’s hard to wait, but you have to
let it come from them.
It’s possible someone could inspire your spouse to change, but the person least likely to be the
inspiration is YOU. It’s sad but true. A complete stranger is more likely to get through to your
spouse than you are. A chance experience or encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse
than anything YOU could do.
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Instead, try backing off and just let your spouse be himself for awhile allowing him space to
make his own choices. Your effort to change your spouse is probably counterproductive. The
chances are good that you’re “in the way.” You need to get out of the way and create the space
for your spouse to choose to change. That’s the only way it’ll ever happen.
Often, a spouse will say that their husband/wife changed for a few days, but then returned to
their old ways. That’s because they never really decided to change. They were pressured. They
were manipulated. And so it didn’t stick.
If you tell your spouse what to do; it’s a challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it’s a great idea. You
have to let it come from them. That’s the only way it’ll make a difference long term in your
marriage.
Now you’re probably thinking, “Makes sense, but isn’t there anything I can do to encourage my
spouse’s choice?” YES, there is! You can be an inspiring example and let your spouse see how
the choices you’re making impact how YOU feel about yourself and your marriage.
Resist the urge to believe that your marriage won’t change until your spouse “gets with the
program.” The love YOU feel is much more a result of what you do for your marriage than what
your spouse does for it.
We tend to think that the love in our marriage is in our spouse’s hands. But it’s not. Love is a
verb. And if we do it – if we love – then we feel love. The choice is yours.
Consider the love you feel for your children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Is it
because they’re such angels? Of course not. The love you feel for your children is a result of
what you do for them. The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU do too.
Furthermore, there’s no better way to inspire your spouse to make the choice to change than
to make that choice yourself.
“You can lead me a mile, but you can’t push me an inch.”
So, bottom line…as Mahatma Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see…” It’s YOU
changing that has the greatest impact on your experience of your marriage and it’s YOU
changing that is the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change.
If you’re want to learn what changes you need to make in your marriage and if you want to
learn how to inspire your spouse to begin to make changes too, then subscribe to Mort’s FREE
report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. CLICK HERE
to subscribe. It’s FREE.
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Another Extramarital Affair Hits the
Neighborhood
Friday night Doug and I went out for a few drinks and ran into a neighbor who informed us of
yet another couple on our street that has decided to divorce. The story sounded the same as
all the others. The husband had an extramarital affair with a co-worker two years ago and is
having a hard time staying with his wife because he is still in love with his affair partner. We’ve
been hearing so many of these stories lately that it seems like an epidemic!
He is now living in an apartment alone, since his affair partner is still married. He has separated
himself from his two young children and wife, who is trying to do the best she can to hold
everything together.
As our neighbor told us the story, I felt myself falling deep into a hole, thinking how similar the
story was to ours, and wondering if Doug stills feels love for Tanya. I really don’t remember the
other conversations we had that night because I was only thinking about the affairs – theirs and
ours.
On the drive home I told Doug to please tell me something that will make me feel better. I had
been doing so well lately and I didn’t want to regress. He said a few things to make me feel
better and surprisingly I believed him and pretty much let it go.
When I woke up the next morning I started thinking about it again and realized that this
neighborhood extramarital affair episode has nothing to do with us. Our neighbors may not
have done all the work that we had done to save our marriage. They may not have learned
everything that we had about affairs, or had each taken fault for their contributions to the
deterioration of their marriage. It’s clear that even though most affairs appear to follow the
same script, the way you deal with the aftermath determines whether your marriage will
survive or fail.
I also began to think about a book I have been reading titled “Real Love” by Greg Baer, M.D.
and an blurb I read from Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness website. I thought about how easy
affair and new love are. How easy it is to think that this person will always make you happy and
will always make you feel the way they do early in a relationship. I started thinking about my
neighbor, and how he “supposedly” tried to save his marriage for the last two years, but
couldn’t continue because of his love for the affair partner. How desperate he felt that he
couldn’t be with the person he “loved” because he was sacrificing his love to keep his family
together.
Sure, all of this sounds like a script from a movie, as people in an affair truly believe they are
trying to do everything to keep their family together, while sacrificing their love for their affair
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partner. I can’t think of a better way to add more excitement and fuel to the powers of an
affair than wanting something you can’t have – all for the good of the family.
Mort Fertel said that new love is easy and that it doesn’t take much effort to make it exciting
and rewarding. After awhile when the newness has worn off, it takes work. I wonder what our
neighbor will face when the excitement and newness wears off. Will he look at his extramarital
affair partner and realize that he is in the same place he was with his wife, but only the scenery
has changed?
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Affair-Proof Your Marriage
It’s tough to control your spouse’s behavior, but the last thing you want to do is set yourself up
for possible betrayal and the immense pain that an affair can bring. Affair-proof your marriage
by making sure you’re attentive, involved and tuned in to your marriage.
Do You Think Your Spouse is Having an Affair?
A great thing to remember is that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. A person
having an affair reveals common warning signs like shifting their patterns with respect to
accessibility, money, reliability and secrecy. They may suddenly be very interested in grooming
or how they dress, they may be working out more, or wearing cologne. For a great resource,
check out “How to Catch a Cheating Spouse” for additional signs of an affair and ways to find
out if your spouse is cheating for certain.
Here are some suggestions if you and your spouse are having problems:
•
Turn toward your companion not away. You really cannot fix a difficulty within a relationship by
turning outward. All that does is create issues.
•
Don’t play games in your head. It’s a short step from thought to action.
•
Don’t confuse fact with fantasy. We frequently forget that there is a difference between falling
head over heels in love (infatuation) and being in love. You cannot expect a love that grows to
be like it was the first time you went out on a date.
•
If you would like to have a good marriage, be a good spouse. Put 100 % into your marriage.
•
Is your marriage in a rut? Find a passion and get energized. Spend some time together to
rediscover the love and commitment you have for each other.
•
Work on your marriage every day, not just during the bad times. Wake up every day and ask,
“What am I able to do today that will make my marriage better?”
•
Create a plan together to renegotiate your relationship. If you have gotten off track, it is not
ever too late to get back to a better place.
•
Look after yourself. Eat healthy, exercise and look your very best. Feeling great about yourself
will radiate and your spouse will notice.
Remember that your relationship must be based on a solid, underlying friendship. After all,
don’t friends talk, laugh, share, and do things they’re interested in together? Be best friends
with your spouse. It just makes sense.
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You also must realize that your relationship has to meet the needs of both of you. Know your
spouse’s needs and meet them. Know your own needs and communicate them to your spouse.
If you feel that your needs are not being met, then be certain to open the lines of
communication and negotiation, so that you can avoid any resentment.
As I look back on some of the issues Linda and I had in our marriage prior to my emotional
affair, I’m positive that if we would have been more attentive to every detail of our marriage
and really worked at it, then our marriage certainly would have been affair-proof.
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Making Progress After the Emotional Affair
A month ago I was going through a rough time. I was feeling very sad, felt helpless and didn’t
know if I had the strength to continue to fight the feelings associated with the emotional affair.
I contributed my emotions to the two year anniversary of Doug telling me he didn’t love me
anymore.
I was frustrated that it had been two years and I had not progressed the way I had hoped. I
believed by this time the insecurities, the loss of trust, and the constant thinking about the
affair should have disappeared, or at least not be still so painful. I was frustrated enough that I
came very close to calling the doctor and asking for anti-depressants. I also considered looking
for a good therapist who could make me feel alive again.
Luckily some good things happened – mainly because of this web site – that helped me feel
happy again. I now feel like I have found my old self again and I also believe that I finally have
my husband back – the husband that I have known for the majority of our marriage. I want to
thank everyone and share some of the things I have learned in the last month that have helped
with my recovery from the affair.
Some of the things I’ve learned after the affair…
The first thing that made me feel better was during my interview with Dr. Huizenga. Simply
enough, he asked me how I was doing. I responded that there were good days and bad days.
He told me that it had “only” been two years and if I was 80% there, I was doing a good job. His
words helped me realize that this is a very hard journey that takes time and patience, and if I
continue to make improvements then I am doing fine. It’s one step at a time. His words helped
to take the pressure off because I feel I don’t have to set a time limit on my recovery. I just
need to continue on a positive path.
The next thank you would be to Jeffrey Murrah. He constantly commented to me that by
keeping the fantasy of the affair alive hinders recovery and allows Tanya to live “rent free” in
my mind. This advice made me finally realize that by allowing her to enter my marriage and my
mind has taken away my happiness. I am not going to allow her to enter my life anymore.
I started thinking about what she would think if she knew I still looked at pictures of her. She
would probably believe that she is still a part of our lives and that she was more important than
she should be. By constantly talking to Doug about her and their relationship, I was keeping
the fantasy alive for Doug and myself. I was guilty of comparing a real love relationship to an
illusion, when I know there is no comparison. I know what Doug and I have is so much better. I
have stopped talking and thinking about her and the emotional affair, and as a result, our
relationship has improved immensely.
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I also read some inspiring books about love and relationships that were recommended by some
of you and have been immensely helpful to me. There are four of them: “Real Love”, “Loving
What Is”, “The Four Agreements” and “Love Must be Tough.” These books helped me to see
everything in a different light.
The books helped me see love, myself and Doug in a different way. I learned how so many of
my behaviors were based on fear and contributed to the distance I felt in our relationship. I
learned that real unconditional love begins with loving myself and not based on how Doug
makes me feel. Rather, real love is caring about the happiness of another person without any
thought for what we might get for ourselves.
I also took the advice that maybe in some ways this website was not healthy for my recovery.
Therefore, I will now concentrate most of my post writing towards helping people get past the
affair and helping them improve their marriages and lives, rather than dwelling on my feelings
and emotions during Doug’s emotional affair.
I also came to the realization that initially this website was beneficial because it allowed me to
express my feelings and pain, but I found that maybe I was using it to throw the affair in Doug’s
face. I came to this conclusion a couple of weeks ago when I was typing a post and Doug asked
“What did I do now?”
The post was about our neighbor and had nothing to do with him, but his words helped me see
that many times I was being unfair to him. At times I said things that should have been put to
rest a long time ago. Continuing to bring up the emotional affair and making him feel bad kept a
wall between our relationship.
These last few weeks I have felt like a new person, and as a result Doug has become a different
person as well. I can say that I feel he is back to the way he was years before the emotional
affair. This is partially due to the fact that he doesn’t feel as though he has to walk on egg shells
waiting for me to have a meltdown or bring up the affair one more time. He sees that I am
happy, so he is happy too.
For more information on Dr. Huizenga, check out his website at: www.break-free-from-theaffair.com
For more information about Jeff Murrah’s book go to: www.surviveyourpartnersaffair.com
For more books on relationships, affairs, marriage and love, check out “The Library”
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Recovering From an Affair is a Process
This weekend we received a comment suggesting that instead of me memorializing the day
Doug told me he didn’t love me anymore, I should celebrate the day he told me I was the best
thing that ever happened to him. I teased Doug and asked him when exactly that day was –
today or yesterday – and he teased back said it was “Just this morning.”
Teasing aside, I think we were both being pretty honest and the reason for this post is to allow
other people who are recovering from an affair to realize that there really isn’t a day or a time
when everything is the way it should be or you finally realize the love is back.
I want others to understand that recovering is a process and that I couldn’t pick a particular day
to celebrate. I guess any day when you are moving forward would be a day to count your
blessings.
I believe the hardest misconception about affairs is that they end at the time the spouse finds
out, and after that the cheating spouse falls down on their knees begging for forgiveness and
eternal love.
Well if you are one of the lucky few who have experienced this you probably don’t need this
site.
I believe we all have learned that everything is a process. The process began before the affair.
I am sure that none of us can pick a particular day or event that made our marriages
deteriorate. In our case it was a series events that started with us taking each other for granted,
which turned into resentment and not spending enough alone time together, etc.
Beginning the emotional affair was also a process. There was the flirting and crossing of
boundaries, and before they knew it they were in a full blown betrayal.
Ending the affair also took time because of the addiction, guilt, and the confusing infatuation
with real love.
Recovering from an affair has been a process for both Doug and I.
We both had a lot to deal with and figure out individually, which involved a lot of trial and
error. We each had our issues. Mine were the insecurity, the betrayal, lack of trust , guilt and
trying to get Doug to love me again.
I know Doug had many issues to deal with as well. Guilt, shame, how he felt about Tanya and
me, and how he got himself into this mess.
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There were so many times that our actions said one thing but the words just weren’t there. Or
we would say things but our actions weren’t consistent with our words. I believe that dealing
with all of these issues made the focusing on our relationship an impossibility.
Honestly, I don’t believe until recently did we arrive at the place in our marriage and recovery
from the affair where I feel totally good and secure.
I guess what I want everyone to know is you shouldn’t feel bad if you can’t honestly think of a
time when you knew that everything would be OK and that you are totally in love with each
other and the affair is something of the past.
What you need to do is look at where you began in this journey and where you are now.
Aside from the emotions and pain, is your relationship better than it was before? Is your spouse
moving in the right direction to help you heal? Are you communicating better, being more
affectionate and appreciative of each other? Are you making an effort to spend time together
and dealing with life as a team? All of these things are processes that take time.
It takes a long time for your marriage to fall apart, just as it will take a long time to put it back
together. I was always looking for the quick fix, being impatient and wanting everything to be
OK immediately. That’s not reality.
What I have learned is that there is a lot of crap to deal with when recovering from an affair,
and until you have dealt with the affair head on, and are ready to let it go, you can’t work on
being a couple. You can’t totally be there on common ground with each other.
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Emotional Affair Recovery and Forgiving
Infidelity
Someone asked me yesterday if I have forgiven the other person (Tanya), and whether or not I
have forgiven Doug. Being asked about forgiving infidelity, specifically about forgiving Tanya,
made me sit back and think for a little bit. I began to wonder if that was something I should do
as part of my emotional affair recovery process.
Honestly, I never thought about forgiving Tanya, because for me it is hard to forgive someone
who only exists in my mind. What I mean by that is I really know little about her. I only know
what Doug has revealed, which in turn has fueled my assumptions about her.
I really feel that I don’t owe her my forgiveness and that forgiving her is not worth my time and
effort. This may sound really mean, but the only effort I should focus on is eliminating her
from my head and separating the reality from the illusions. So the answer is NO. I have not
forgiven Tanya, nor do I plan to in the future. My emotional affair recovery can continue just
fine without forgiving her.
As for Doug…I believe I have finally put the emotional affair behind us and have forgiven him.
Like I wrote about yesterday, it has been a process. It was something that I tried to rush, but
ended up frustrated because I wasn’t there yet.
I knew that forgiving him would set us both free and enable our relationship to grow, but for
a long time it just wasn’t possible. I wasn’t there emotionally to the level that Doug was.
For me I had to totally feel all the emotions caused by the betrayal: grief, anger, guilt and
denial. Because of the roller coaster ride associated with these emotions and experiences, I
wasn’t able to experience each emotion fully.
I also had a lot of work to do on myself. I really needed to figure out how I fit into all this mess.
I really needed to sort out my behaviors and how they contributed to the demise of our
marriage. I had to figure how to be a better wife and a better person.
I believe that in order to fully forgive Doug that he had to take responsibility for the affair. He
had to truly understand the pain that the affair caused and show remorse for his actions. This
has also been a process for him, and I believe he had to peel away a lot of layers to arrive there;
anger, resentment, entitlement, selfishness, etc.
Doug also had to look deep within himself to figure out how he ended up in the affair in the
first place. It is hard to comprehend, but I believe the way we dealt with the aftermath of the
affair really set the time table for forgiveness.
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I can confirm that we made many mistakes along the way, however every situation is
different and there isn’t really a set way to deal with an affair. There is no systematic
instruction manual for affair recovery. We dealt with the situation the best way we knew how.
I finally came to the point when I understood that forgiveness was for ME, not him, and that
forgiveness would set me free so I would be happy again. I am not sure when this forgiveness
actually took place, but I imagine Doug could probably pinpoint the time because he did see a
change in me. I was happier, I looked at him differently, and I stopped talking about my pain
and the emotional affair itself.
They say that forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting. I can attest to that. I still have
triggers and fears, but I don’t allow them to consume my life and take away my happiness.
Honestly, I just got tired of living with this in my head and I had to make a decision to let it stay
there, play the victim and be sad and tired, or move on and enjoy the love and life that we have
created together. The process of affair recovery for me required me to do this.
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How to Control Your Thoughts After the Affair
– An Example
Controlling your thoughts after an emotional affair (or physical affair) is a difficult task to
accomplish and has been an immense struggle for me from day one. I tend to think a lot to
begin with, so to say it’s been tough for me is an understatement. I wanted to give you an idea
of how this can be done by way of an example.
Last weekend Doug had planned a wonderful getaway for the both of us. It has been
something I’ve wanted to do since D-day, but for a variety of reasons, it just didn’t materialize.
I had many assumptions as to why we haven’t gone away to a hotel for a weekend after the
affair, which I had verbalized to Doug on several occasions. Most of these assumptions were
shot down by Doug and replaced with legitimate excuses.
Without going into too much detail, I have long believed that going away with me for a
weekend -specifically to a hotel – was something he couldn’t do after the affair with Tanya. I
believed this because I had carried suspicions that he had gone away with Tanya at some point.
I was so excited and thankful that Doug had taken the initiative to arrange everything, but as
the day approached, I became very nervous. I worried that our weekend would not be
everything that I believed he had with Tanya. I was so sick to my stomach that at one point I
thought about backing out.
It is amazing how much our mind and illusions can take over and ruin something that is so
good. So I used the technique I learned in the book “Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can
Change Your Life.” That is, to question if my thoughts were real. So I asked myself if what I was
thinking was true. Do I know for a fact that he spent the night with her? The answer was NO.
Then I asked myself: “Where would I be if I didn’t have that thought?” I came to the
conclusion that I would be able to spend a wonderful weekend with my husband without
worrying that I wasn’t exciting enough, and without the pressure of having to make it some sort
of super-magical event. I could just be me and we could have a good time.
I was pretty proud of myself because for the most part I did let those thoughts go, and we did
have a wonderful time. I felt like for 24 hours it was just me and Doug in our own little world,
removed from everyday stress and focusing on just being together.
I guess it was almost like being in an affair but on a much deeper level. I felt that this was
another step closer to strengthening the bond of our relationship after the affair.
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Keeping Things Secret Within an Emotional
Affair
The other night Doug and I had a conversation about his feelings during his emotional affair.
After the conversation I began to think about how he kept these feelings to himself, and
wondered how he was able to keep such a secret.
It seems to me that when someone falls in love they would want to tell the world how happy
they are. But he kept it to himself, going about his day as if nothing had changed.
I wondered how he could come home every night to his family while he was keeping this
secret. What was he thinking? How did he cope?
I wondered if he resented the fact that we were there, taking him away from his new love.
What comparisons did he make between me and her? What faults of mine were magnified a
thousand times? What justifications were expressed to relieve the guilt during his emotional
affair?
I wonder how many of our arguments and his unkind words were spoken in order to push me
away, so I wouldn’t detect his secret.
I imagine it was like living in Heaven and Hell at the same time. Was he in Heaven during the
precious moments when he was receiving validation and attention from Tanya? Were there
moments when there was no guilt because he felt that what they were doing was right because
they felt they deserved it?
At the same time, he must have felt as if he was in Hell because he had to come home and
face the reality of his grave situation. He had to face the confusion, the decisions, the person
that he had become.
He had to face a wife who was living life as if nothing had changed, and who was oblivious to
how he was feeling at the time. He must have felt that I didn’t notice because I didn’t care,
rather than the fact that I truly trusted him and never thought something like this would
happen.
Doug said recently that when a person realizes the pain outweighs the pleasure is when they
will end an emotional affair. I think I reread those words a hundred times because I really
couldn’t comprehend them.
I believe that when a person is deeply involved in an affair the pain is already outweighing
the pleasure. They are just too blind and under the influence to see it.
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I also feel he blamed the pain on me and never saw that he had produced the pain himself
everyday by his selfish actions.
I imagine if he would objectively look back at his emotional affair, and think about all the
moments of guilt, the lies, the things that he did and said to his family to maintain those
moments of illusionary pleasure, he would realize that there was always pain.
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Infidelity is an Epidemic
We just received word about two more couples who are separating because of infidelity. One
of the couples we have known for the last 15 years. Like many of the couples, they have three
children, have been married for over 20 years and the husband has found someone new. I am
beginning to wonder what is happening to our world. Are we really meant to be married
forever?
The news is something that I don’t take lightly. When my friend told me the news, the words
hit me like a ton of bricks. To someone who has not experienced infidelity it may not be as
heartbreaking, but after I heard the news I got in my car and broke down like a baby.
I really don’t know how many more stories I can hear without believing that our marriage is
destined to fall to that fate. The stories sound so similar to ours that I can’t help but be
concerned. I wonder how we are surviving. Are we really OK, or will Doug come home one day
and break the news that our marriage is over?
As soon as I heard the news I called Doug sobbing. He kept telling me “We’re ok. We’re
happy”. I want to believe him but sometimes it seems that the odds are not in our favor. Why
is it that we keep hearing about all the marriages that are breaking apart? Why don’t we hear
about the ones that have worked their butts off to stay together?
Then I began to think about what has really happened to all of these marriages. I imagine it was
the same thing that happened to ours. We all became very busy with our jobs, our children,
our responsibilities, and stopped putting our marriage first.
I am sure that the husbands felt neglected and lonely, as did their wives. They probably
wondered if that was the way it was going to be for the rest of their lives. They felt trapped,
and the only relief was to find someone new. They found someone whom they believed could
make them feel happy and appreciated again.
Forget about pre-marital couples counseling!
I began to think about when Doug and I were preparing to get married and were obligated to
attend a marriage class. During the class we had to listen to couples discuss the struggles that
we would face as a married couple. I remember thinking (while in my infatuated state) that
that won’t be us because we love each other, and love does conquer all. Boy was I stupid.
I believe that our society is in a marriage crisis and something has to been done to educate
couples what it takes to make a marriage survive. We don’t need pre-marriage classes. What
we need are classes after our first child is born, and refresher courses throughout the various
stages of our marriage.
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We need to stop glamorizing infidelity and truly look at the real impact it has on everyone
involved. Most of the time when we hear about infidelity we tend to ostracize the cheating
spouse, or we put blame on the betrayed. We should look at it for what it really is – a sad
situation where both partners lost their way and forgot how important their marriage was.
We should make it a time for guidance not judgment.
I really don’t know what the answer is but I hope that someday the couples will wake up and
realize that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, and that everything they need can be
achieved with the person they married. I wish they would realize that marriages can be
repaired after infidelity and come out better than ever.
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Improving Your Sex Life After the Affair
There’s been some lively discussions lately from one of our posts, and I felt compelled to
comment, but as usual, I got a little long-winded, and decided to turn this into a post instead.
The discussion pertains to a person who is comparing his affair relationship with the one he has
with his wife and is struggling with the choice between staying with his wife or with the OP.
One of the issues is that there is a serious lack of intimacy (sex) within his marriage—
predominantly due to his wife’s lack of sexual desire.
Honestly Doug could have written many of the same things that this person has and it breaks
my heart knowing that I was the same kind of wife at one point. It is something that is very
difficult to think about, but I want you to know that it has a lot more to do with how I was
feeling at the time rather than not being a sexual, adventurous woman.
I have learned so much these last two years about how women and men view sex. I feel that I
was uneducated about Doug’s needs as far what he needed from me physically. As well as
Doug being unaware what I needed in order to feel loved and cared for. This created a
situation that began to spiral out of control, where we both began to feel unloved and
undesired and began to blame each other for our unhappiness. Obviously, all of this doesn’t
work well for a relationship.
I don’t want to use this as an excuse, but I didn’t have much confidence in my ability to be
sexual. Doug had been my one and only sexual partner. I was a Catholic school girl (you know
how the song goes) and in the beginning of our relationship our sex was more about quantity
rather than quality — usually after consuming too much alcohol! I didn’t have much confidence
even after we got married to do anything out of the norm, afraid that I would look stupid.
Being a mom twenty-four hours a day wasn’t the best aphrodisiac, gaining a few pounds here
and there didn’t help, and always keeping one eye on the bedroom door to see which kid might
wander in really hindered the passion.
I know that Doug would say I was beautiful, he found me attractive etc., but I would often
wonder if he was just saying that to get sex because his actions outside the bedroom
reflected a different opinion. I felt that he didn’t care for me, and would rather spend his time
doing other things than be with me. Just as he felt I didn’t care for him any longer, I believed I
was at the end of his list.
After I found out about the emotional affair and I began to read books and explore why I felt
this way, I began to understand that I didn’t hate sex and I wasn’t frigid. There was a lot more
to it. This knowledge set me free and I gained more confidence in myself sexually.
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I adapted a “what the hell” attitude and focused on the pleasure that I was receiving. I also felt
closer to Doug than I had in years because of everything we were going through during and
after the affair. We were talking, spending time together, and we were feeling a lot of intensity
as we were trying to decide what to do. All of this was very good for our sex life.
As someone had mentioned before in the beginning of our recovery, our physical relationship
went over the top. Almost like two people wondering if each time would be our last. (similar to
how you feel when you are in an affair) Now sex has become something very exciting and
special.
Don’t let a lousy sex life necessarily be a reason for an affair–or a divorce. There had to be
some sexual spark there at some point in your relationship. Discuss the situation with your
spouse and find out where the disconnect is and what each of your romantic and sexual needs
are, and try to bring that spark back. It may take some work but it can be well worth it for
obvious reasons.
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Erasing the Fantasy After the Affair
After the recent revelations of several couples we know who are suffering from infidelity, I
began to think about if our marriage will ever be safe. Will I ever feel secure that Tanya will
never enter our lives again?
William Harley’s book, “Surviving an Affair” paints a grim picture when he discusses contact
after the affair is over. He suggests definitely leaving your job if that is where you met your
affair partner, and even so much as moving to a different city or state. For many of us that is
just not possible. Am I destined to worry that if Doug runs into Tanya someday our marriage
is doomed? Is that the way we want to live the rest of our marriage?
What if I told Doug before we got married that if I ran into my high school boyfriend, I
couldn’t guarantee that I will not fall back in love with him? I am sure that Doug would have
told me to hit the road. Why should this situation be any different?
I believe that eliminating the threat of re-igniting the affair involves eliminating the fantasy
that is associated with the affair partner and the relationship.
For many years after the break up with my high school sweetheart, I used to wonder if he still
had feelings for me. Did he still think about me and love me? Those thoughts alone make the
situation a lot more romantic than it needed to be.
About six months ago Doug wrote a comment concerning Tanya. He said he didn’t have any
desire to contact her, but he was curious about how she has moved on after the affair. Those
words alone demonstrated that he may have been keeping the fantasy alive. I may be reading
into this a little, but this makes me think that Doug wondered if she still had feelings for him.
When you are trying to save your marriage after the affair, those types of thoughts and feelings
are dangerous.
A person who was involved in an affair needs to say to himself that the affair partner has
moved on and realize he is happy and in love with the person he CHOSE to be with – his
spouse.
Those revelations allowed me to get over the fantasy I had when I thought about my high
school sweetheart. I knew that I was in love and happy with Doug and my ex-boyfriend felt the
same way about his wife. There was nothing left between us and no spark to ignite.
I also began to see my old flame how he really was and not as I wanted – or fantasized – him to
be. I came to the conclusion that he really wasn’t someone I would have been happy with. He
was a little too redneck for my taste, and still stuck in the old high school mentality.
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I hope that Doug has done the same thing. I hope he has put all the feelings associated with
being in an emotional affair aside (the fantasy), and thought about what it would be like after
the infatuation phase wore off and they were living a very normal and mundane life.
I hope that we have made our marriage secure enough after the affair that the temptation will
never surface. I really don’t want to live the rest of my life having that worry hanging over my
head. I know that I have tried to do everything to make our marriage the best it can be and I
hope that Doug has done everything he can to erase the illusions, make realistic comparisons,
and learn what it feels like to be in real love.
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Accepting the Past and My Emotional Affair
Linda’s post from yesterday was by coincidence quite timely. I received an email yesterday
from a former co-worker that the once-manager of our office was moving out of town, and that
they were going to have a going away party for him. Though I’ve known this person for
probably 15 years and I like and respect him, I didn’t hesitate to decline the invitation. The
main reason was that it was highly likely that Tanya would also be there.
When I told Linda about this, she immediately felt a lump in her stomach. The thought of me
possibly running into Tanya quite frankly scares the crap out of her. She feels that as soon as I
see Tanya that I will instantly relapse back into the emotional affair.
Since yesterday, I’ve thought for a bit about just why I don’t want to run into Tanya. Is it
because I’m like a heroin addict or alcoholic where just one injection or drink sends be back into
the depths of addictive dependency? Linda of course thought it was because I was afraid to for
that very reason. I came to the conclusion that the answer is NO.
Though I have no doubt that I could go to this function and converse with Tanya and leave
feeling the same way I do now, I don’t want to put Linda through the pain and agony of
wondering whether or not all the thoughts, feelings and emotions about Tanya will come
rushing back. She already lives with that fear on a daily basis.
I understand this, I really do. I betrayed her and shattered the trust in our marriage, and she is
now guarded, thinking that if an emotional affair happened once, it could happen again, and
she can’t go through the hurt and pain again. Who can blame her?
It’s a fear that is one of the biggest obstacles that we have left to maneuver. I feel terrible that
she feels that way, but no matter how much I reassure her that she has nothing to fear, or how
much I prove to her on a daily basis that I am in love with her, the possibility of starting up the
emotional affair again scares her.
I thought also about what if I did go. I honestly think that it would be extremely awkward
seeing and talking to her again after all this time. I look at Tanya differently now, as the fantasy
has been over and the affair fog has lifted for quite some time – much like how Linda described
her feelings towards her old high school flame. I was in love with a feeling – not the person.
It’s the same feeling, but with more strength and meaning, that I have again for Linda.
I know that it is easy for me to say this, and I said this to Linda last night…but there has to come
a time where the past needs to be let go. I’m not saying she has to forget it. But accept it and
not dwell in it. We use the past to learn from our mistakes and understand our failures so as to
not repeat them again. We must turn our energies into working at and creating a marriage and
life together that is strong now and in the future. We need to look towards the future with
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anticipation of the possibilities, setting and reaching goals, having fun, enjoying each other, and
helping others who are trying to overcome infidelity.
In “How to Survive an Affair,” Dr. Gunzburg says: “Accepting does not mean that you agree
with the affair in any way. It does not mean that you just lie down and let your partner walk all
over you. It does not mean that you give up and let your needs go unmet.
Rather, accepting that the affair happened is about making a positive move toward a fruitful
future. It is about letting go of the affair so that you can move forward. Instead of getting buried
by dwelling on the past, you have the power and the choice to make a step and move forward.
You can accept the past as a means of learning how to make a better future with your partner.”
Many of you may not agree with that, or are not to the point after the affair where you can do
it, and I wouldn’t have said that 2 years ago, but it’s how I feel we need to approach things now
so that we can completely overcome my emotional affair and move onward to a great
marriage.
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A Better Way to Get Them to End The Affair
One of the biggest mistakes that I made upon discovery was reading materials about how to
have a good marriage. My behaviors at the time were based this information that I had gained,
as I tried to do everything a “perfect wife” should do. I didn’t know that it was useless trying to
do these things to save a marriage when the cheating spouse is still in the affair fog. It was just
a waste of time. To get Doug to end the affair I should have behaved in a way that was
conducive to Doug realizing that it was a better choice to stay in the marriage than be with
his emotional affair partner.
I have been rereading “Love Must be Tough” by Dr. James Dobson because I feel that the book
provides valuable information for anyone who first discovers their spouse’s affair or anyone
who is struggling with a spouse that refuses to end the affair. I highly recommend the book for
anyone in this situation.
Dr. Dobson states that before a spouse begins an affair they are often overcome with feelings
of being trapped in their marriage and their lives. They believe that things will never change or
improve and this situation will be their fate for the rest of their lives.
Even after they begin an affair and feel alive again, they still feel this entrapment because their
commitments are holding them back from the freedom of being with their affair partner.
Combined with the feelings of being trapped, they also have lost respect for their spouse.
Dobson states that “Marital discord almost always emanates from seething disrespect.” He
further says that “It involves how one party has begun to perceive the other, it is the value
ascribed to one human being by another. That perceived worth is incorporated in the word
respect, and it absolutely basic to all relationships.” When a spouse begins to feel trapped he
begins to perceive his spouse as an obligation rather than gift.
Looking back, I can attest that Doug definitely had lost respect for me prior to and during the
affair. His actions and words confirmed that. He also had feelings of being trapped in a
marriage that did not make him happy.
We talked about this recently when I asked him if he was looking for someone different or just
a different relationship. He said he wasn’t looking for any one, but just wanted some
companionship and someone to have fun with. I asked him why he didn’t do something about
it, talk about it or make changes within our own marriage. He said he just thought that being
trapped was the way it was meant to be.
I feel if I would have read “Love Must be Tough” when I first found out about his emotional
affair, I would have acted much differently. My actions compounded the feelings of
entrapment and disrespect. Many of those actions were needed when one is trying to save a
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marriage, but can be detrimental when trying to end the affair. Here are some of the things I
did that I truly regret.
•
Crying, pleading, begging and telling Doug that we couldn’t live without him and making
him feel trapped in his situation.
•
Continuing to initiate sex with him after he told me that is was pleasurable but he had
no emotional feelings about me.
•
Offering to move out of my own house without the kids.
•
Never telling him that what he was doing was wrong and that he broke our marriage
vows.
•
Sitting on his uncomfortable office floor keeping him company because he spent every
night working.
•
Changing to please him and allowing him to believe that because of my changes I was at
fault.
•
Not telling him right away that he was free to go and that I would be OK with or without
him
I am sure this list could go on and on, but my point is to really think about your behaviors and
how they make you feel about yourself. For example, I remember thinking that through my
actions I was being a terrible role model to my daughters. I wanted them to have more self
respect than I was portraying to them at the time. I was acting the way I thought I needed to
prove to Doug that I loved him and he was the most important person in the world to me.
Instead, I showed him that I wasn’t a woman who should have been respected and that he
didn’t have the freedom to make the right choice and end the affair on his own.
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Why Some Marital Affairs Last Longer Than
Others
Many authors and researchers state that most marital affairs usually die on their own. There
are several reasons for this. For instance, the excitement and infatuation wear away and the
affair becomes more trouble than it is worth. Or the infidelity may be brought out into the open
and the affair partners are forced to make a choice whether to stay in their committed
relationship or begin a new life with the affair partner.
Another reason is that one cheating spouse may begin to expect more from the relationship
than the other is willing to give. They may begin to demand more time and commitment,
therefore causing an imbalance in the relationship.
The other day I began to think about affairs that last longer than 6-12 months, and was curious
as to why and how they are able to continue. We’ve heard many stories of readers who have
had affairs for years–even a decade or more. One reader commented recently that her marital
affair lasted several years because their infatuation and affair fog had worn off and they were
actually experiencing true love.
This may be the case in this instance, but I believe their situation may have allowed the affair to
continue because they had the perfect balance. That is, their marital affair involved two
committed (married) people, which essentially allowed them to have their cake and eat it
too. An affair like this could continue forever if it goes on undetected.
Let me explain further…Within their marriage there is security, a family life and history.
Because of the affair dynamics, they have pulled away from their spouse, and as a result, do
not put forth much effort into the marital relationship. The spouse accepts this for whatever
reason, and consequently this causes everyone to just go off on their own. They end up
receiving all the benefits of being in a marriage, but without much work.
On the other hand, the affair relationship offers them an escape from their mundane lives.
Somebody new and exciting sees them as new and exciting. This person becomes the person
that they would love to be, without the restrictions of life. They do not have to deal with life’s
responsibilities with this person, so most of their time together is fun, engaging and without
conflict. The marital affair offers a vacation from real life.
At the same time, they are focusing on the negative aspects of their marriage, and how their
spouse is not meeting their needs. However, if they really looked at the positive side of things
they would realize that they are receiving a great amount of fulfillment from their marriage.
They begin to take for granted all the everyday things their spouses do compared to the “grand
gestures” demonstrated by their affair partner. These gestures might be as simple as listening
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to the affair partner complain about their spouse, going out to lunch together, or handing out
compliments.
The affair partners validate each other and their “unhappiness” with their marriage, yet
ignoring all the good things their spouses have done for them and the needs they have indeed
met, and are probably still meeting.
Even though the affair partners fantasize about being together forever, I doubt they realize that
it will never be like it was during the affair. Fantasy will eventually meet with reality.
I read somewhere that when asked if they loved their affair partner more than their spouse, a
common answer was that they loved their affair partner differently. Well, to me this is
ridiculous. Neither one loves the other unconditionally. Instead, they are madly in love with the
feeling that their marital affair partner is giving them – and that will soon fade.
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Be Thankful!
As a follow up to yesterday’s discussion topic, and since it’s Thanksgiving here in the U.S., I
wanted to change things up a bit. Sometimes we get so caught up in all of our own situations
that we forget about all the things we should be thankful for.
I found this on the web and thought it was most appropriate:
Be Thankful
Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don’t know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you’re tired and weary,
because it means you’ve made a difference.
It’s easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
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are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.
–Author unknown.
Try not to eat too much today and while you’re at it, have a very happy and blessed
Thanksgiving!
Doug & Linda
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Why My Emotional Affair Relationship Would
Never Have Succeeded
Statistics state that just around 25% of relationships that start as marital affairs will succeed.
While I was in my emotional affair, I would have thought that this statistic was a bunch of crap.
I would have simply dismissed it while in my “affair fog,” since I felt at the time that my
relationship with Tanya was so wonderful.
Many in the same boat would probably say something like “Well our relationship is different
than all the rest…” We all know that in most cases this is complete bull$#%t. The fact is, it is
really hard to make a relationship that started as an affair, succeed in the long run.
Now that I’m far removed from my emotional affair, I can honestly say that I’m surprised that
the percentage of successful relationships that start as marital affairs isn’t LOWER.
Linda pointed out a blog post from a therapist named Susan Berger that was very interesting, as
it discussed the various reasons why she felt that marital affairs were destined not to succeed.
(You can read her post by clicking here) One paragraph really stuck out as it pretty much fit my
situation to a “T.”
Berger states: “The question of whether the new relationship will succeed relates to what
function it is playing in your relationship with your partner. If you have the kind of primary
relationship where you initially experienced a significant amount of time where you were
mutually in love and satisfied with the relationship and then grew apart because of life stresses
or conflict and you entered the affair to experience being in love again, this does not bode well
for the long term success of the affair relationship. That is because almost all relationships
follow a predictable course of developmental stages, all at some point going through a period of
disillusionment which, if you can get through, lets you out into the side of a mature, dependable
and sustaining love based on reality rather than romantic idealization. If you deal with the
disillusionment by betraying the commitment you have made, then you may not have the tools
to navigate this stage which is waiting for you down the road in your new relationship.”
Now, believe it or not, I did come to realize this on my own. But I do admit that even though I
am pushing 50, prior to my emotional affair, I obviously didn’t have the tools to navigate my
own marriage with Linda, much less try to do so in a new relationship.
I had an immature “romantic idealization” at the time, and since I wasn’t seeing that in my own
relationship with Linda, I stumbled across it with Tanya. I guess you could say that was my own
period of disillusionment.
Once removed from the emotional affair, I realized that any shot of a long lasting relationship
with Tanya would have failed miserably, and Linda and I have managed to get through this
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period of “disillusionment” (on both our parts) with (as Berger states) a much more “mature,
dependable and sustaining love based on reality rather than romantic idealization.”
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Affair Withdrawal: A Difficult Hurdle
We had Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws last week, and my brother-in-law joined us as well.
As many of you may recall, he was himself recently embroiled in a physical affair, ended it, and
decided to work on his marriage.
At one point during the evening, he pulled Linda and me aside to show us some photos on his
smart-phone of his recent vacation with his wife. The vacation was an attempt at reconciliation
and a chance for them to be alone and try to save the marriage.
He also showed us pictures of his ex-affair partner. These were pictures that she has sent since
their break up, and were just normal pictures of her out an about having fun with friends, etc.
What was very surprising to us was that he was accepting the photos (and probably other texts)
from her in the first place, when he should have been blocking her. Secondly, why the hell is
he saving them instead of deleting them?
You would think if he is truly trying to disconnect from the ex-affair partner and reconnect with
his wife, he would end all forms of contact with the other person once and for all. Why did he
need to save the pictures?
While he was showing us the pictures, he mentioned that she was sending the photos because
“She was keeping him on his toes.” Linda and I assumed that meant that she wanted for him to
see how much fun he was missing—along with other dubious motives, I’m sure.
I continued to think about this over the course of the next day or so, and can only conclude that
he is struggling to completely let go of the other person, and is going through affair
withdrawal.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg says that there are three major emotional symptoms of affair withdrawal:
anger, anxiety, and depression. These emotions obviously stem from the break-up itself.
I’m quite sure that since his break-up and during his vacation, he and his wife have been
involved in many difficult and negative conversations, causing further emotional disconnection
between them, and likely increasing the effects of the withdrawal.
My brother-in-law needs to understand that the withdrawal period can last from a few weeks
to several months, and that during this time, he is in a very vulnerable position. Any contact at
all with the other person is likely to thrust him right back into the affair.
He needs to focus his energies into his marriage and not the other person. For most cheating
spouses, this is easier said than done.
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He has been uncommonly quiet during the past several weeks since he broke up with the other
person, and has not talked to Linda or his parents about any developments with his marriage in
quite some time. One can only assume the reasons for the change in him, but Linda and I
suspect that it is a combination of the affair withdrawal and that things are not going well in his
attempts to save the marriage. If he has been maintaining contact with the other person — at
any level – then he is sure to sabotage any progress that has been made.
Click the link to get Dr. Gunzburg’s free “Survive an Affair” email course along with a new bonus
report that he is offering called the “21 Step Spontaneous Healing Plan.”
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The Lack of ‘Real Love’ is the Real Cause of
Infidelity
Last night I was reading “Real Love in Marriage” by Greg Baer, M.D. (in between plays on
Monday Night football, no less) and noted a section pertaining to the cause of infidelity that I
felt was interesting and would be good to share to our readers.
The concept of “real love” is explained in great detail in Baer’s other book “Real Love.” I think
that if you can grasp the concept and work to apply it in your marriage, you could not only save
your marriage, but make it much stronger as well. We were able to purchase both books used
through The Library for less than six bucks each.
Baer states that infidelity occurs in every case due to a lack of “real love” in a marriage or
relationship. The typical scenario is that when we get married we are lacking a sufficient supply
of “real love” and expect our spouse to make us happy. This “imitation love” as Baer calls it, is
sufficient at first, as both spouses are receiving more “imitation love” than they ever have
previously. They confuse this temporary satisfaction and euphoria with genuine happiness.
Over time, the effects of this “imitation love” begin to wear off and they begin to feel lonely
and afraid again. They do not have “real love” and their “imitation love” is evaporating as well.
Baer says, “Because they once made each other happy, and now the happiness is gone, they
naturally conclude that their partner is somehow failing to hold up his or her end of the
agreement. They both feel abandoned and betrayed.”
So what happens is that they demand more “imitation love” from their partner using somewhat
selfish behaviors, which doesn’t work for long, and then they eventually turn elsewhere for
their needed supply of “praise, power, pleasure and safety.”
I must say that I could relate with what Baer is saying, and I’m sure that Linda would agree. The
“imitation love” evaporated from our marriage, so I spent more time at work, sucking in the
ego boosting praise and validation from Tanya through an emotional affair. Linda on the other
hand, also didn’t get the needed “imitation love” from me and poured herself into the lives of
our kids and her work. It was a recipe for marital disaster for sure.
Baer says that without “real love” we tend to behave badly in order to fill our emptiness. We
can get to a point where we feel so empty that we are willing to seek “imitation love” from
anyone, regardless of the risks. And even though having an affair is inexcusable behavior, it
isn’t done to hurt the spouse, but is actually done to dull our own pain. He compares it to a
drowning person trying to keep his head above water.
At the point where the infidelity is discovered, the victim reacts in a way to protect themselves
based on the feeling that the affair was done to them, and may consider separation and/or
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divorce. Instead, Baer suggests that if the victim can see the cause of infidelity and then
respond in a healthy way, the marriage can survive an affair and then be strengthened.
People need to feel they are loved unconditionally more than anything. If your spouse has
been unfaithful, you can be certain that he or she didn’t feel loved by you, and is the true
cause of infidelity. This of course, does not make you responsible for the affair, but you must
consider the contributions you made to drive your spouse away. If your spouse feels this “real
love” from you then Baer suggests that your spouse will almost certainly stay with you.
Click the following link for more information and book reviews for “Real Love in Marriage.”
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7 Ways to Get Your Spouse to End the Affair
One of the common threads Doug and I see in the emails and comments we receive is the
situation where the cheating spouse is unwilling or unable to end the affair with their affair
partner. Our friend Dr. Robert Huizenga in his book “Break Free From the Affair” offers some
powerful tactics that you might want to try in this situation.
In fact, Dr. Huizenga guarantees some great results if you follow his suggestions. You will feel
“exceedingly” better, and your spouse will notice. Don’t be surprised if your spouse decides
to work to save your marriage.
I can tell you that I took many of these suggestions to heart with Doug and his emotional affair,
and I can attest to the fact that they do work. It certainly isn’t an immediate thing by any
means, but over time (as ending an affair can be a process) they will work.
If you want to stop your spouse from having the affair, Dr. Huizenga says that these are your
best strategies:
1. Act Happy. Dr. Huizenga says to “be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior
when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be.
Be an actor/actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it until you truly do get to the point
where you experience your life as positive.”
I must admit that this was difficult for me, since I was hurting so badly inside, but I tried to put
on the best possible face I could.
2. Get a life. Take up a hobby or take up a new interest. You might want to think about what
you really liked doing when you were younger—even as a child.
3. Focus on 4 words. Tattoo these words on your forehead if need be: “I WILL MAKE IT!” This
becomes your mantra from now on. Let your spouse know that you will make it. Dr. Huizenga
suggests that you say something like this to your spouse: “I will make it! I prefer to make it with
you, but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I
will make it.” I know I used almost that exact phrase with Doug, and it had an effect on him.
4. To-the-point conversation. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point. Talk
only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such as bills,
household or other family issues. Let silence prevail if he/she sucks you into his/her
melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.
According to Dr. Huizenga, emotional affairs strive on drama within the relationship. Do not
get caught up in the situation. Be the steady, secure partner. Eventually the drama
surrounding the affair will get old and your spouse will long for the normalcy of their marriage.
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5. Tend to agree. Try to find the nugget of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it.
Acknowledge it. For instance, if he/she says, “I don’t love you anymore.” Then you would
respond with something like, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for being honest.” Or, if
he/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” Then you would respond, “I’m sure it must be
confusing for you.” If he/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” Then your response would be
something like, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me
plan for my activities.”
This was something that I failed to do in the beginning and really regret. I would throw articles
and books at him trying to convince him that he was living in a fantasy world. I believe these
tactics backfired because it made him feel controlled and pushed him further into the
relationship.
Agreeing was a very difficult task because I believed I was taking away all my control from the
situation, but all I was doing was trying to control what Doug was feeling and I really couldn’t
change that.
By agreeing, or not telling your spouse how he/she should feel, you are putting your
relationship on even ground. Your spouse will not feel threatened by your responses therefore
would be more open to listen to what you have to say. It is similar to dealing with a teenager;
the more you tell them not to do something the more inclined they are to do it anyways.
6. Expand your social relationships, including those of the opposite sex. Get out and meet
new people. Meet interesting and exciting people that seem to have the potential to care
about you. You may want to reconnect with old friends. As far as hooking up with members of
the opposite sex, Huizenga is clear to mention that this does not mean dating, or even some
kind of revenge affair. It means “being friends and learning about you and how you relate,
especially to those of the opposite sex.”
7. Get sexy – in a healthy way. Work on you. Get in shape. Lose weight. Exercise. Eat right.
Take extreme care of your body and feel healthy — and sexy.
Though these tactics are powerful, Dr. Huizenga mentions that you should not use these
strategies “as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. He/she will pick up on
your motive and see through it.” The result will be that your spouse will easily manipulate you
back to a point where you are predictable and controllable.
One last thing…utilize these exercises and strategies because you want to — for you.
Click on the following link to learn more about what Dr. Huizenga’s book has to offer. I highly
recommend his material.
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Why Men Don’t Like to Talk About Their
Feelings
A day doesn’t go by without someone asking us how they can get their spouse to talk about
their emotional or physical affair, or open up about their feelings on why it happened, etc.
Typically, these questions come from females. Obviously, one reason I think this is so is
because statistically men are more likely to have affairs than women, but also I think that for
the most part, getting a woman to talk about her affair and her feelings with respect to that
affair, would be a much easier task. You see, us men, just don’t like to talk—at least not about
our feelings and such.
I guess it’s the old Mars and Venus thing, and I firmly believe that each gender does indeed
communicate and interpret the spoken word in vastly different ways. Men clearly seem to
have a much harder time expressing themselves as compared to women, and women tend to
dissect the emotional reasons behind everything that is said.
When it comes to talking about feelings, scientists point out that the reason behind the
difference is the Corpus Callosum, the part of the brain which connects the left and right brain
hemisphere. Not to be scientific or anything, but apparently this part of the brain is larger in
women than men.
The result is that women can think and feel at the same time – while men naturally separate
their feelings from what they are thinking. I’m sure there are exceptions to this, but generally
speaking, this is what is behind a man’s reluctance to talk about their feelings, whereas women
can do so freely.
Author John Gray, who wrote “Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus,” says that when
men feel stress, they cope by becoming increasingly withdrawn and focused, while women
become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. A man feels better by solving
problems, while a woman feels better by talking about them.
I know that if something is bothering me, or something is stressing me out (like my emotional
affair), I become introspective and try to work my issues out in my own mind. This is
counterintuitive to Linda’s way of talking through her stressful situations.
In the weeks that followed the discovery of my emotional affair (stress), I didn’t want to talk
about it for a variety of reasons, namely shame, confusion and guilt. The fact that I didn’t want
to talk about it, left Linda’s mind free to interpret my unspoken inner thoughts. And I can tell
you that her interpretation was not always accurate and was often damaging to the household
peace at the time.
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She made many assumptions that caused her much inner turmoil, made me frustrated, and
were the root of many of our arguments.
As I write this and think about the situation back then, her misinterpreted assumptions are
probably one of the main factors that actually caused me to open up and talk more about my
feelings and about my emotional affair.
Like a Martian, I wanted to set her straight. I wanted to solve a problem. I wanted to “fix” her
interpretations by telling her how I was really feeling, and by answering her most pressing
questions about the affair.
Naturally, since I’m a man, I didn’t do this all in one sitting, because I can’t think and feel at the
same time for too long without become all confused, but the gist of it was that gradually I was
able to open up more and more about my feelings and about the emotional affair.
By doing so, I’ve learned that opening up and talking about my feelings is not only therapeutic
for me, but also makes Linda feel better, she’s more accepting and she’s more appreciative.
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Is Facebook the Portal to an Emotional Affair?
The other day I was taking my daughters to school, and as usual we were listening to the “Bob
and Tom” radio show, and they mentioned a recent study by the American Academy of
Matrimonial Lawyers. The study said that 20 percent of divorces involve Facebook, and that 80
percent of divorce lawyers reported a spike in the number of cases that use social media for
evidence.
This data seemed amazing to me, but not real surprising. It would seem to me that Facebook
could be the lightening rod for infidelity, especially for an emotional affair.
In fact, I bet if someone did a study about the percentage of emotional affairs that involved
Facebook, I’m sure the results would be staggering. I’d be curious to know how many of our
readers and/or their spouses used Facebook to carry on their infidelity. So, at the end of this
post there is a quickie poll to satisfy my curiosity. Please take a second to answer the
question.
When I look at my Facebook account and the friends that I’ve connected with, it’s an even
mixture of work related contacts, business associates, current friends, old friends from college,
and old friends from high school. I connect most with the old friends from college who were
fraternity buddies, but not that often. Oh, and btw…I never conducted my emotional affair via
Facebook, and Linda has my password info and can get on it anytime she feels the need—and
she does every now and then.
I have been “friended” by a few girls that I went out with way back in high school, but it’s
always been a “Hey how are you, what have you been up to for the last 30 years?” type of
conversation. It’s kind of neat to look up old friends to see what they look like, read about their
families, interests, etc. For many folks I’m sure the whole Facebook experience can become
quite addicting.
Facebook, for those of us not in high school anyways, is all about networking and reconnecting
with people. And for those purposes it’s a wonderful tool. So much so, that some high schools
even hold their class reunions via Facebook rather than actually getting together in the
traditional fashion. I think that’s ridiculous, but that’s a different subject all together.
The problem occurs when one chooses to reconnect with a lost love in an effort to rekindle a
past relationship, or when co-workers carry out their emotional affair on the pages of
Facebook. Regardless the situation, it’s a good platform for cheating to occur. In fact, a
minister (who admitted his own infidelity) calls Facebook the “portal to infidelity.”
If you suspect that your spouse is using Facebook to carry on his/her emotional affair, be sure
to keep an eye out for signs of an affair based on their computer activity, as well as if they seem
to be withdrawing from you and your family in general.
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If you suspect something fishy, talk to them about it and demand they give you access to
their Facebook profile. You may also demand to approve any new friend requests that they
receive prior to confirming them.
If you feel the need to “spy,” you can utilize computer monitoring software that is undetectable
(keyloggers). There’s no doubt that many cheaters can become quite creative when it comes
to concealing their Facebook and other online activities, so you may need to get creative as
well.
For a few videos and related story on Facebook and emotional affairs, you can go to ABC News
by clicking this link: http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/facebook-infidelity-cheating-spousesonline/story?id=12272421
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Stop Playing the Infidelity Game
Today I wanted to follow up on our discussion from yesterday and provide you with some
excerpts from the email I mentioned from Dr. Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, where he
discusses how to deal with competing with the OP and with the fantasy of the affair, or as he
calls it “playing the game.”
In the email he states that there is a dilemma when faced with this situation: Do you need to
play the game better? Or, how do you extricate yourself from the game and still care about
your spouse?
An affair is indeed a game, but just because your spouse plays the game doesn’t mean that you
have to. It also means you can still care and “connect” with him/her.
There is the tendency for the betrayed spouse to want to make improvements to themselves in
order to “compete” with the OP. But most of the time, these improvements don’t work, or if
they work, you may win the spouse back and say, “Hmmmm, is this all there is!?” And, if we
pursue these improvements to win him/her back we are merely playing the game, and feel this
lack of personal integrity.”
“Not playing the game means standing back, learning about you, seeing the affair for what it
REALLY is, and connecting to your partner by making comments ‘about’ him/her, the
situation and/or yourself.”
For example, you assume this other person is getting something special from your spouse,
some sort of movie-like “romantic love.” It may appear so, but Huizenga states that affair
relationships have a terribly horrible track record. He mentions that in his work, he deals with
many who are involved in an affair who feel trapped or on a course of self-destruction. And,
usually “those relationships self-destruct in very messy ways.”
Learning about yourself is very different from making improvements. You don’t have to
improve! You need not “get better!” But, you do want to grow and create a richer more whole
life for yourself and those you touch.
Dr. Huizenga suggests you ask the following questions to help move you in the direction of self
awareness and away from the game playing:
•
What am I tolerating? What am I willing to tolerate? How and what can I stop
tolerating?
•
How can I simplify my life – getting rid of all the relational and physical clutter – so I live
from a center of peace?
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•
How do I clear my mind of all the thoughts of what I should’ve, could’ve or would’ve
done? How do I throw off the baggage I carry?
•
How do I become a person of extreme integrity – doing that which is right and healthy
FOR ME?
•
How do I speak my personal needs in a way that others naturally want to respond, “Yes,
let me know how I can help you.” How do you get beyond your neediness?
•
What do I need to do right now to manage my life (finances, children, body, work, etc.)
in a way that gives a sense of well being, where I can say, “This is good!”
•
What boundaries need to surround me to protect my soul, heart and mind from the
slings and arrows of toxic people and situations?
•
What are the standards in my life? How can I double my standards to be more fully me?
•
How can I create reserves of time, space, money, energy, opportunity, love,
information, wisdom, self and integrity in my life – getting beyond my neediness so I
may live bound by purpose?
•
How can I live RIGHT NOW rather than regretting the past or fearing the future?
•
How can I surround me with people I want and who are good for me and me for them?
•
How do I protect what is vitally important for me?
•
How do I orient my life around my values so I feel truly fulfilled by the goals I set and
met?
As you move through these questions, which will take some time (could be weeks or months),
declare your thoughts and findings to your spouse. “Act on tolerating less, let him/her know
your boundaries, state your standards, live out your values in his/her presence.”
Great advice as always from Dr. Huizenga. Check out his site at break-free-from-the-affair.com
for more articles, advice, blog and free resources.
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The Emotional Affair Wasn’t the Catalyst for
Change
I was asked by one of our readers how I was able to get back all those loving feelings —
primarily my sex drive and level of intimacy with Doug — and whether the only way I was able
to do so was by being “shocked” after finding out about the emotional affair.
To be honest, my wake-up call didn’t have anything to do with the emotional affair. I didn’t
truly find out about the affair until much later. My wake-up, or should I say our wake-up call,
came the night that we finally had an honest conversation about our relationship.
Yes I did pull him out of bed to confront him about the numerous phone calls that I saw on his
cell, but he quickly dismissed them. Being naïve and trusting at the time, I believed him. The
rest of our conversation was what really changed our relationship.
Our marriage had been deteriorating for several years prior to this conversation. Several
factors were to blame; our stupidity, stress, being very busy with work and kids, financial
obligations, resentment, etc.
During this downward spiral we both began the blame game, believing the other person was
responsible for our discontent. We never really openly discussed our unhappiness, as we
masked it by our behaviors.
We used many of the behaviors that are described in the book “Real Love.” Doug became
angry, sarcastic, critical and overly busy with other obligations. I withdrew affection and love
(ran away), or became clingy (needy), or acted like the victim.
Being completely uneducated about relationships at the time, we both believed that these
behaviors indicated that we didn’t love or care for each other anymore. We felt as if love had
died and we were trapped in this unfulfilling relationship.
The night that I used to call “the awakening,” Doug didn’t use any of those behaviors of anger
and sarcasm. He had an honest conversation about his feelings. He told me how lonely he had
been and how he missed the time we used to spend together. He missed the closeness we
used to have and how we were always each other’s best friend. He told me how he missed
being intimate with me and how he would lie in bed each night and want to be with me. It
wasn’t the phone calls that blew me away it was the honesty and vulnerability that Doug
displayed during our conversation.
At that time I truly understood what he was saying because I felt the same way. I realized that
both of us had been acting that way not because we were angry at each other or that our
love and feelings had disappeared. We acted that way because we really missed being
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together. We missed our closeness. We were just covering up our sadness and emptiness with
behaviors that hurt the other person.
It all began to make sense to me, and the most important message I received from our
conversation was that Doug missed me. He wanted to be with me. He cared for me and he
loved me.
From that realization everything changed, as all my resentment went away and I started to
educate myself about relationships and marriage. The more I learned the more I understood
how we got to that place. The more we discussed, the closer we became. The closer we
became the more time we spent together, which in turn created everything that we both had
missed — including great sex and increased intimacy.
Unfortunately, all the good we were creating was taken away by the revelation of Doug’s
emotional affair.
It wasn’t the emotional affair that was the wake up call. In fact, having the affair in our lives
made trying to save our marriage that much more difficult. It was the honest conversations
and revelations of how we really felt about each other that jump-started things.
Doug once told me that Tanya was just a replacement for me, and that he was just waiting for
me to come back to him. It doesn’t take an emotional affair to be the catalyst for change in a
marriage, whether it has to do with sex, intimacy or other issues. It all starts with open and
honest communication.
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Why Can’t I Remember Things After the Affair?
Quite frequently I find myself having an increasingly difficult time remembering details after the
emotional affair. Especially time lines, and what events occurred and when they happened.
Now some of this might have to do with my partying lifestyle in the late 70′s and early 80′s
catching up with me, or the fact that I’m approaching the big “five-O” and am losing millions of
brain cells by the second, or perhaps I have middle-aged ADHD. Who knows? I have to think
that there is more to it than that.
Now granted, I have a crappy memory to begin with, and remembering details of past events
has never been one of my strong suits. However, you would think that an event that caused
as much pain and turmoil as my emotional affair did, I would remember the events like they
happened yesterday.
Linda called me Friday as I was shoring up her post from that day, and while we were discussing
the post, I asked her why it was that she can remember everything about my emotional affair
plain as day — dates, details, what I said, what I did, etc. — and I really struggle remembering a
fraction of the events after the affair.
She proposed that perhaps it was because I’m subconsciously shutting those unpleasant
events out of my brain due to the guilt that I feel for my actions. That seemed logical to me,
but I wanted to know more. So I posed a question to Jeff Murrah, who is a marriage and family
therapist in Texas, (visit his site) and who frequently offers advice and opinions on our blog.
My question was this: “Is there a possible psychological explanation for the fact that I have a
hard time really remembering details, time, events, etc. of my affair, while Linda remembers
EVERYTHING?”
Jeff’s response was as follows: “The simple answer is that male and female brains are different.
Despite what you may have been told at school, neuroscience has found differences. There is a
section of the female brain that has an extra belt of neurons around it. This change in structure
allows them to remember details more effectively than the male brain. The structure plays an
important role in the function of memory.
This research has come out of brain scan studies where researchers have been tracking the
functioning of the various parts. Typically the substance abuse counselors are more aware of
this research than the standard counselors. This finding raises a lot of questions among those
types that want to promote that there are no significant differences between the male and
female brain. The reality is that there is, and this is one of the areas it shows up in.”
I then asked Jeff : “Is there any logic to the notion that I might possibly be subconsciously
‘shutting down’ my memories of the events due to guilt or some other factor such as that?”
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Jeff’s response: “Logic? The term logic is often associated with the conscious use of reason. You
may be shutting down the memories due to emotional associations. If it is done intentionally, it
is avoiding, if it is unintentional then your defense mechanisms are limiting your awareness and
recall of the events in order to protect either you or others.
You may not be ready to handle it or your mind may have distorted things so that you do not
accurately recall what happened. We often only remember portions of events rather than the
whole thing. When the cheater is in their fog, their minds do not register all the details of what
they are doing (for various reasons). They are in an ‘altered state of consciousness’. Since that is
the case, their brains are not firing on all eight cylinders.
To put it simply. This is one of those ‘other factors’ you mentioned. The shutting down due to
guilt is part of the ‘defense mechanism’ function mentioned earlier.”
I think that i found my answer from what Jeff said. I believe that I’m unintentionally
“forgetting” events of the emotional affair as a defense mechanism. I’m probably protecting
myself more than anything. I don’t want to remember the bad things — the hurt I caused
Linda, and the months of agony I put her through. I also hate for her to relive the details over
and over again.
I’m sure a good portion of it might be a bit of an escape mechanism too, where I limit my
awareness so I won’t have to talk about the details for the hundredth time, having to suffer
through the guilt and shame all over again.
I also think that Jeff’s point about the “affair fog” has a lot to do with it. Hell, it’s obvious my
brain wasn’t firing on all cylinders during my emotional affair. I was in a fantasy world, and the
only part of my brain that was working was the part that deals with those types of feelings.
Now, after the affair, the details are just a blur.
I want to thank Jeff for the free therapy couch time. This all makes sense to me. At least I think
it does.
Please be sure to visit Jeff’s blog and consider purchasing his book “How to Cope With a
Cheating Spouse.”
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Save Your Marriage by Learning From the Past
and Agreeing on the Future
Despite the devastation that a marital affair causes, our experience from writing this blog tells
us that most betrayed spouses have the desire to save their marriage–and for that matter, so
do the cheating spouses. The affair however, becomes a very large painful bump in the road.
Many have said that they continue to love their cheating spouse, and that due to the many
years together, and the many shared experiences, they want nothing more than for things to
“go back to the way they used to be.”
However, I’m here to tell you that more than likely going back to the relationship you once had
is probably not where you want to be. After all, by going back, you are headed right back to
where your marital problems started in the first place.
That past relationship is now forever gone. Even though it may be tempting to look at all the
happier times of those past years, many married couples actually carry their past pain right up
into the present.
This is one reason that looking to the past and working to get back there can cause you to bring
past negativity into your attempts to save and rebuild your marriage, and possibly destroy your
chances of building a better relationship with your spouse.
Naturally, after the affair it can be difficult to move into the future if you’re not sure about the
foundation of your marriage. But we can attest to the fact that if you are willing to put forth
the effort to rebuild your marriage and strengthen your foundation, you can experience a
much stronger relationship than you have ever had.
After the affair, it might seem impossible to imagine that this is possible, and it won’t happen
overnight because saving your marriage is a process that takes time.
There is some groundwork that must be accomplished first in order to survive an affair and
build a stronger marriage. Basically, you need to resolve old issues first.
Here are some initial steps you can take to help accomplish that:
1) Determine your marital trouble spots.
You need to define the recurring issues that arise from unmet needs, such as:
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Fulfilling one another’s need in how to express affection
Lack of effective communication
The need to spend effective and adequate time together
Satisfactorily dividing up various tasks
Agreeing on the amount of effort to expend to save your marriage
The trouble spots you are defining are those problems that you constantly argue about and
where the needs go unmet.
2) Agree on the specifics
Once you have defined the trouble spots which lead to arguments and unhappiness in your
marriage, you need to specifically state exactly those needs that are important to you to come
into agreement on. Write them down so that there are no misunderstandings.
3) Develop your solutions
Now that you have decided what your needs are and have come to an agreement that these
are the items you need to put your effort into, you must now develop solutions together to
reach your goals.
For example, if Linda feels that an important need for her is to feel that she is appreciated
more, then she might suggest ways for me to be able to do so more effectively. Perhaps I need
to tell her I appreciate her verbally, as well as show it in some way too.
Now this is a very simplistic example, but often the solution can be as simple as developing a
new habit, which might take practice.
Surviving an affair and saving your marriage requires a broad range of effort from both of
you, as troublesome issues that took years to develop won’t just go away on their own. To
save your marriage and make your relationship all that you want it to be takes commitment
from both of you to set aside your old habits, fears and bias and move yourself into potentially
uncharted waters.
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Our Emotional Affair Recovery One Year Later
Today is the first year anniversary of starting this blog and we thought it would be appropriate
to present to you a status update of sorts on our emotional affair recovery over the last year.
I’ll warn you in advance that this is a long post, so hit the bathroom, grab a sandwich and
something to drink before you read on.
First of all, it has been amazing to us to see how much this site has grown over a year’s time.
We have gone from zero readers to averaging just shy of 700 unique visitors a day. Visitors
have viewed 542,264 pages year-to-date. People from 96 countries from around the world
have visited our blog so far this month alone. At the time of this writing, we have posted 268
times and there have been 3223 comments.
And when you think about it…we’re just a small blog. Imagine if you would combine the
readership of all the blogs and other various infidelity websites on the Internet. The numbers
would be staggering. This tells you that there are a lot of people suffering from infidelity all
over the world, and that it is a huge problem and source of pain.
Obviously we appreciate all of you who visit and especially those of you who contribute and
comment. We’re pretty confident that this blog has helped some people over the last year
(including us), and you all are a major cause of that.
Our intent when we started this blog was to share our experiences and pass along some
resources in the hopes that we could help others — as well as ourselves — along the way. I
think we have had some success with that, and all of you are to be thanked for your
contributions and viewpoints.
For Linda and myself, our affair recovery continues. Who ever said that recovering from an
affair is a roller coaster ride was not exaggerating one bit.
We will go through periods where things couldn’t get any better, and then a week later you
would think we were just a week after D-day. This has been a powerfully painful emotional
struggle that will continue, though it does get easier as time goes on.
Dr. Bob Huizenga says that it can take 2-4 years to recover from an affair (visit his site). I
venture to guess that many people can get over a death of a loved one in less time.
On the positive side of things, Linda and I have reinvented our marriage to a point where our
love is at an all time level. I would say even more in love than when we got married.
We appreciate each other in many ways and truly enjoy being with each other on a daily basis.
We are also much more physical with each other. Not just sexually, but also hugging, holding
hands, cuddling on the couch, etc.
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We have learned to communicate our wants, needs, feelings and desires much better than we
ever used to do. We don’t back off from confrontation with each other anymore, but we do
“fight fair.” I can still work a little on suppressing my frustrations when Linda wants to talk
about the affair, but I have become much more patient and understanding when she feels the
need to do so.
We have become much more in tune with each other’s needs. We work all the time at doing
things for each other – and they may just be little things – in order to fulfill each other’s most
important emotional needs. It is important to us that we never fall back into that emotionally
sterile rut that we existed in prior to my emotional affair. We even check with each other
periodically to make sure that we are still on track in this area.
As Linda and I build on the positives and move forward, in my opinion our biggest struggle is to
find a way for Linda to totally overcome the pain she feels from my falling in love with
another woman. She battles the emotions and insecure feelings from that every day. In
hindsight, what I thought was real love was more infatuation, but it is very painful for her
nonetheless.
Though she trusts that I will not have another affair, she has troubles at times believing that I
truly love her and that I didn’t just “settle” for her. Convincing her that is not the case has
been a challenge to say the least.
We both realize that it will take time for her to heal completely, though sometimes she doubts
she can do it. She has acknowledged that I’m doing all the right things and trying hard, but has
asked me to be patient and continue to help her in this battle. And of course I am willing to do
so.
She also will battle against certain “affair triggers” every now and then, but all in all, she has
done a good job in learning how to minimize their effects. As you can imagine, sometimes this
blog is one big trigger for her, but she manages it well for the most part, and it continues to be
therapeutic for her in many ways.
For me, I feel that I have learned a tremendous amount about Linda, myself and relationships
over the past 12 months. I realize the emotional traits and character flaws in me that caused
me to have the emotional affair. I was selfish, immature and irresponsible. I have grown a lot
over the last year and will continue to do so.
I need to continue to work on following the path to inner discovery; really understanding what
makes Doug tick, and to grasp ways to continue to move in a positive direction both mentally
and physically.
At the same time I must continue on the path I’m on as far as supplying Linda with what she
needs to completely heal from my infidelity. Patience, understanding, honesty, transparency,
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empathy, sympathy, loving, caring, helping, are just some of the components that come to
mind.
Sometimes I need a little punch to the head to remind me that these are the highest priorities
right now, and that everything else is of secondary importance. At the same time, I must
remind myself that though I’m over the affair, Linda still has a ways to go to get over it.
It is amazing to me how I can know someone for over 30 years and take for granted many of
her qualities and strengths, as well as her faults.
I always knew that Linda was talented, creative, giving, intelligent and a hell of a mother among
many other things, but this past year has opened my eyes and made me appreciate her more
and the fact that she is a remarkable and strong woman with an innate ability to relate to other
people and to truly and honestly help them with their problems.
She often says that she could be a great relationship coach and write a book, and I firmly
believe that she should because she has so much to offer people in need of her expertise
gained from her experiences. So you may just see a coaching program and a book introduced
at some point in the near future.
As for the future of this blog, we intend to continue blogging about our experiences and
offering helpful resources as always, though perhaps a little less often.
With the kick-off of the Affair Recovery Group just a few weeks away, Linda and I, along with
Jeff Murrah (visit his site) must create a ton of content for those who join. There are only so
many hours in the day, so we anticipate the need to cut back on the blog posts a bit.
The Affair Recovery Group is an exciting leap for us, as we plan on taking the recovery process
to a new level, and with that we should gain new incite and knowledge along the way.
This group format will not only help the members involved a great deal, but us as well. There is
real therapeutic value in researching, writing about, teaching and discussing various ideas
and techniques to recovering from infidelity. We encourage any of you who are struggling with
affair recovery to check out the Affair Recovery Group.
As the name of our blog suggest, it has been a journey this past year, and it’s a journey that is
not yet complete. As the saying goes this is a “marathon not a sprint.” Much like the
marathon runner who trains hard every day for that tortuous race, we must also work hard
everyday on our affair recovery so that one day we can actually look back on this and realize
there can be much to gain from all the pain.
Thank you all once again for being a part of our lives!
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A Marital Affair Can Get Real Serious Real Fast
I have learned so much from the contributions of the cheating spouses on this site because they
have provided insight about their feelings and actions during their marital affairs. One aspect
that has intrigued me was how serious an affair relationship can become in a relatively short
period of time.
One cheater claimed that after just a three month affair they were discussing the logistics of
where they would live, legal issues, how a separation would play out, etc. Most people who are
in normal relationships would still be learning the little things about each other and meeting
family and friends at that stage. I wonder why a marital affair relationship seems so different?
I recently read an article that compared an affair to a rebound relationship. The cheaters are
still feeling the effects of their previous relationship (their marriage) and want to continue from
that point, which brings all the aspects of their marriage to the affair.
I also have to believe that it is part of the fantasy. The cheating spouses believe they have
finally found someone who can meet their needs so perfectly that they quickly begin thinking
about starting a new life together.
I believe the prospects of a new life can be just as, or even more intense as being with the affair
partner. The cheaters believe that they now have an opportunity to start over with a clean
slate; with the ability to do things differently. They believe that all their problems will
disappear because their unhappiness was caused by their “bad” marriage.
The fantasy and the illusion never allow them to see all of the other implications of their
decision. They agree that it will be a difficult situation but they will certainly survive because
they have such a strong relationship within their marital affair, and since they are in the “fog,”
they feel their love can conquer anything.
They convince each other that their relationship will never be like their current one, because
they have finally found someone who provides them with everything they need to feel loved.
They are convinced they would never make the same mistakes twice.
It’s doubtful that they are aware that the divorce rate for second marriages is significantly
higher than that of first marriages. It is doubtful they are aware of the very low success rate
of marriages that are a result of a marital affair.
They believe that their relationship is different and special. They are oblivious to the possibility
that their actions also contributed to the demise of their marriages. No doubt they place more
blame on their spouses instead of taking ownership of their own actions.
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I guarantee that when Doug and I were younger and first started thinking about spending the
rest of our lives together (which was well after 3 months together), we believed that we would
always feel the same about each other as we did when we first fell in love.
We knew we would have problems at times, but also knew our love would get us through
anything. I never imagined that I would be sitting at a computer 30 years later writing about
Doug’s emotional affair.
When a person begins an affair they are looking at all the negative aspects of their lives and
marriages. I am sure they are not seeing all the things they should be thankful for. So I
understand how easy it would be to believe that a new life with a different partner would be
better than their current situation. I imagine it wouldn’t take much convincing to go along
with the fantasy that a new life provided.
Taking the leap to leave their spouses however, takes away all the fantasy and turns it into a
formidable reality. This proves to be a difficult, if not impossible proposition and is probably
the reason why most marital affair relationships end. They know deep down their relationship
is a fantasy and wonder if anything about their relationship was real.
Last week I wondered about what – if any – plans Doug and Tanya had for their new life
together and if it was different than the plans we had for our own future. Honestly, I really
don’t want to know what they fantasized about because I know that the reality of our life is
such much better.
Last Thursday was a day to see the positive in our lives and to count our blessings. That day it
snowed over 8 inches and my daughters and I had the day off from school, and our son came
home from college. As we were making our annual holiday gingerbread house, all five of us
stood around the kitchen talking about things that only a family that has been together as long
as we have could experience and appreciate.
I know that Doug would never have moments like that if he chose to start a new life with Tanya.
These kinds of moments can only happen between people who have shared a history and a life
of experiences together.
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Reconnecting Emotionally After the Affair
One essential element in surviving infidelity and repairing your marriage is to heal and deepen
your emotional connection with your spouse after the affair.
Obviously, the emotional connection between a man and wife is severely broken after
infidelity. Quite often it can be the final blow to a marriage.
Prior to my emotional affair, Linda and I had an emotional disconnect of sorts. Looking back, I
can say that we really didn’t grow apart as much as we temporarily lost sight of each other
due to a variety of factors.
If I were to rate the most important factor in our success in recovering from the affair, it would
have to be how we have been able to reconnect on so many levels—especially on an emotional
level.
It wasn’t easy at first, and when we realized that we wanted to save our marriage and wanted
to survive infidelity, we wondered how we were going to get back to some form of common
ground with each other so that we could honestly say that we had a wonderful, strong
relationship.
We questioned how we were going to get from where we were at to where we wanted to be.
We questioned if we were always going to have to talk about the affair. Linda questioned
whether she would ever be able to forgive, much less forget. She questioned whether she could
trust again. I wondered if she would ever get over the pain. The list goes on and on.
There were doubts for both of us and reconnecting emotionally seemed like an insurmountable
task as the devastation and pain seemed too much.
We realized that it wouldn’t happen overnight as there was a lot of work we both needed to do
before we could even expend the energy to work on healing our marriage.
As I look back, there were a few ideas that we adhered to as we worked to regain our
emotional connection. In our case, the emotional reconnection was fueled by effective
communication.
We both started to practice total honesty and transparency in our communication. Our hearts
and minds became open books. This was a little bit easier for Linda to accomplish at first, as I
have always been somewhat guarded with respect to my feelings and such.
It did help that since we have known each other for so long, each of us can tell when something
is bothering the other, or when the other may be holding back when they really have
something on their mind.
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By being totally open and honest it eliminated doubt, which ultimately helped to rebuild the
trust.
We set some communication rules. While practicing transparency, there were times when
Linda may have held back asking me certain questions that she may have not been quite ready
to hear the answers to. So we decided one rule was to not ask if she’s not prepared to hear the
answer.
Another rule was never use honesty as a weapon. That is, Linda never used it to make me feel
guilty or feel otherwise as a bad person. She understood that the goal was to save our
marriage, survive infidelity and move forward in our marriage, and that this type of vindictive
communication would not be constructive to our healing.
In addition to being honest, one rule for me was to keep my emotions in check when talking
about the affair. I would often get frustrated when discussing the affair.
Basically, we used common sense, good judgment and a little bit of diplomacy.
Set aside the time. We discovered that it’s not always a good idea to talk about the affair or
other marital matters whenever we felt like it. There are times after all, when one of us might
have had a bad day, and talking about it at that time would be counterproductive and actually
stifle the effectiveness of our discussions.
What we did instead, was set time aside where we could focus on each other and talk about
what we needed to talk about. This allowed us not only the appropriate time to talk, but also
gave us the opportunity to prepare emotionally and psychologically and to clear our minds of
other matters so that we could focus our attention on each other.
These are just a few things that worked for us. Even though they did take some time and
patience to implement, they did help us in communicating better and allowed us to reconnect
emotionally after the affair on a much deeper level.
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Affair Recovery and My First Experience With a
Therapist
Recovering from an affair is a long and painful experience with many ups and downs. Most
betrayed spouses want the pain and memories to go away and often we put a time limit on
how long our affair recovery should take.
I know that in my situation, it has been two years since our D-day and I had hoped by now that I
would be completely over the pain and the memories of Doug’s emotional affair.
I believed that since our marriage was on the right track and our relationship is better than it
has been in a long time, all the baggage I have carried due to the betrayal of the affair should
be gone. I have learned that this is a difficult expectation and that I have a long way to go
before I am completely healed.
Throughout the past year I have experienced many days when I am happy and the affair is but a
distant memory, and then I have days when I feel like it happened yesterday, when the sadness
spirals out of control and I begin to feel insecure and afraid.
I have days when I desperately want to feel desired and loved by Doug, and days when my
self esteem is at an all time low. When I have these days I seriously begin to think about what I
need to do to move on.
I feel I have done everything I can possibly do. I have read more books than I can count. I
exercise and take care of myself. I communicate my feelings well. I try to be the perfect wife.
Unfortunately, at times it still does not seem to be enough to get me out of this dark place.
These days are usually followed by the same thoughts. I think about running away and trying to
escape the pain. I know that wouldn’t accomplish anything as I would still be taking my pain
with me. Another thought is to call the doctor and ask for medicine to mask the pain. My last
thought is to consider talking to a good therapist.
After my last episode, which was a little too intense and lasted longer than it should have, I
decided it might help to seek counseling. I felt that by doing this it may take some of the
pressure off of Doug and it may be helpful to get a different perceptive of how I am doing.
Monday night was my first session and because this is all so new to me I was very nervous.
Thankfully my therapist made me feel very comfortable and secure. He wanted to know what
brought me there and what I wanted to accomplish from our sessions.
I told him our history and why I was there, and after about 30 minutes into our session he told
me how amazed he was at how well I am actually doing following such a betrayal. He told me
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that it takes a very long time to recover from an affair and that I am well beyond what takes
many people years to accomplish.
Those words made me feel wonderful because I really wasn’t sure how I was doing. I know in
Doug’s eyes he would have liked for me to forget everything two years ago, so I really didn’t
know how to gauge my emotions and feelings.
My therapist also asked me to think about if I went to sleep at night and one miracle occurred,
what would I want that miracle to be. I told him I wanted to wake up every morning and not
think about the emotional affair and the pain it caused. I want to forget about the affair. So
we decided that our goal would be to help me forget about the pain of the affair.
We discussed that when I fight those thoughts, I actually make them stronger and my feelings
begin to spiral out of control. So we discussed how to accept those feelings and the affair, and
when I have those thoughts I need to take a few minutes and begin a mind exercise that he
demonstrated for me.
He told me to begin breathing in and out and to focus on my breathing and my surroundings,
and to tell myself that the affair happened and that I accept that I cannot change it. He
recommended I spend a few minutes doing this exercise, and then I need to let it go and try not
to think about it. If the thought reappears, then I do the exercise again. I imagine that
eventually I will learn to control my thoughts and stop allowing the affair to consume my head.
I am curious to see if this works.
My therapist also was amazed that I was not employed in the mental health field, or have been
through years of therapy. He said I must be an awesome teacher because I am so aware of my
feelings and have the ability to express them so clearly. I also seem in tune to the feelings of
others and have a great knowledge about relationships.
He commented on how well Doug and I have progressed in our relationship and how we have
overcome the devastation caused by our faltering marriage and the emotional affair.
He really couldn’t recommend any other advice in addition to what we were already doing.
That made me feel really good and confident that our marriage was on the right track.
I asked him if it is really possible to save a marriage after infidelity and he said positively yes.
He went on to say that so many couples give up too early because it is so difficult to do. It
takes so much work and determination that even though many couples still have love in their
hearts, the task is so overwhelming that they give up.
He commended me on how hard we have worked to save our marriage and said that Doug is
one lucky man to have a wife that decided to stay in the marriage and has worked so hard to
make it what it is today.
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I decided to continue my sessions. Honestly I imagine that the therapist and I can learn from
each other. I know that I have as much to offer him as he can offer me!
I believe that even though I know all the things I need to be doing, that it will be beneficial to
hear them from someone else — a person who can guide me through the process and help me
when I fail. I plan to keep you posted on my progress here on the blog, and more so in the
Affair Recovery Group, in the hopes that relaying my experience will be helpful to all of you
as well.
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Little Reminders of What Could Have Been
We had a very nice Christmas and we hope that all of you did as well. Santa was very good to
me and our family and it truly is a blessing that we have each other and can spend the holidays
together as a family.
Things seemed to go well with Linda this year. Better than last year for sure, though I’m sure
she had some “affair trigger” moments. She didn’t outwardly show or mention them, so they
must have been somewhat minor. That, or she was able to manage them better this year.
I don’t experience triggers, and really don’t think about Tanya anymore, or anything like that,
but I did have a few moments where I thought to myself that I’m a very lucky man and that I
could have very easily screwed up so many good things. I’m so lucky that Linda was patient
and wanted to save our marriage.
Linda’s brother and his family came into town, and as many of you know, he and his wife are
also trying to save their marriage after he had an affair. Linda and I both thought that things
would be awkward, but surprisingly they were not.
What was evident though, was that my sister-in-law is still struggling. She has lost 20+ pounds.
She seemed to be trying too hard to be on her best behavior, when in the past she has been
known to be rude at times. She had a few teary moments while talking to Linda. You can’t help
but feel sorry for her.
Linda’s brother, on the other hand, seemed somewhat distant – as if his mind was somewhere
else. He didn’t seem to be very happy most of the time. He rarely interacted with his wife
during the several hours we all were together. I’m not sure that he is happy right now.
I question whether or not they will make it.
Another moment that made me realize how lucky I am, was when a friend of my son’s called
him early in the afternoon on Christmas, and said that he was out driving around with nothing
to do. You see, his parents are divorced and he apparently had already “visited” with both
sides and had had enough. So we invited him over to our house for Christmas dinner.
That seemed so sad to me because Christmas is a time for families to be together. Since his
parents were not able to stay together, he has no chance to experience that anymore. I hope
that one day when he has a wife and family, that he will be able to appreciate that once again.
One additional moment occurred Christmas Eve. One of the many traditions we have always
had since the kids were very young, is that they all sit on the couch with Linda and she reads
them “T’was the Night Before Christmas.”
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Now, our kids are in high school and college, so you would think that they would consider the
tradition to be “stupid” or “gay” or whatever – but they did not. The three of them sat on the
couch with Linda, and to me it was if they were 3 years old again. That for me was a priceless
moment. One that I would not have been able to ever realize again if my affair continued and
our marriage ended.
I don’t think these brief moments can be categorized as triggers, but they certainly serve as
reminders of how close I came 2 years ago to losing Linda, my family and all the wonderful
things that are associated with each. Not only did these moments remind me of what I could
have lost, but also of the long lasting effect it could have had on all of us.
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How to Recover From an Affair With RPL
We recently picked up a copy of “Affair Repair” by relationship expert and author Kara Oh. In
short, the book offers advice on how to recover from an affair by recreating your marriage
based on the feelings you had when you first fell in love with your spouse.
One of the techniques she describes was particularly interesting to me. She calls it the RPL
Technology, which in essence is a 3 step process towards rebuilding your marriage. The “R”
stands for Recommit. “P” stands for Prioritize. “L” stands for Love.
Though we didn’t know it had a formal name at the time, I can tell you that this 3-step process
is virtually the same that Doug and I did to rediscover, reinvent and save our marriage.
Step #1: Recommit
To rebuild your marriage and reignite love you must first recommit to each other and to your
marriage. You must put each other and your marriage at the top of the list. This is especially
important after an affair because some of the pain has to do with the one who was cheated on
feeling like they’re no longer important. You must make your marriage and your partner a top
priority once again.
“To recommit means to tell each other you’re making your marriage and your partner your
number one priority. It needs to be verbal, you need to look each other in the eyes, and make
sure your sincerity can be seen, felt and heard.” Says Oh.
Immediately after the affair, Oh suggests you recommit to each other once a day since the pain
is intense and you are trying to heal from the devastation.
Step #2: Prioritize
Prioritize means you must make your relationship with each other your number one priority.
One of the primary reasons couples fall out of love is they get too busy. They don’t spend
enough time together, they don’t think about each other “in that way,” they don’t do all those
things they did when they were first falling in love, and they no longer have fun together. Sex
even becomes an afterthought in many cases. Sound familiar?
Oh really stresses that for the RPL Technology to work you must both make a pact that you
will put your new marriage and each other at the top of the list. Kids, work, and everything
else takes a back seat to your marriage. This is a must!
Step #3: Love
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The third step in the RPL Technology is to tell, and show, your love for each other at least once
a day, but in new, and creative ways.
What’s great about this step is it not only lets your partner know, in tangible ways, that you
care about building a new and better marriage together, but it reminds you as well. It’s
important that you choose ways to say ‘I love you’ that are out of the ordinary, so they will be
noticed. Obviously, creativity here is a key element. It can also be a lot of fun!
The RPL Technology that Oh describes was a key ingredient in rebuilding our own marriage.
Re-committing is a reminder that the new marriage we’re building is important to us;
prioritizing is so we don’t let less important things get in the way of keeping our new marriage
vibrant; and offering some form of love each day will help bring back the feelings of love that
we’ve been missing out on for quite a while.
The book is very easy to read and is not overwhelming. The strategies that Kara recommends
are easy to interpret, implement and follow through. This is actually refreshing as many
marriage self-help books can seem a lot like reading a psychology textbook and can be a tad bit
on the technical (boring) side.
If you want to check out more information about “Affair Repair” by Kara Oh, you can click the
following link: http://affairrepair.com/book. It offers sound, logical advice on how to recover
from an affair by rebuilding your marriage. I enjoyed the book, and I think that you will as well.
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My Top 3 Goals for 2011
Doug suggested that I write a post about my New Year’s Resolution’s and I told him I am not
really a resolution kind of girl. I avoid making New Year’s resolutions because they often
become more of a failure than an accomplishment, and I end up feeling bad about myself.
So I thought about what I wanted for the New Year and decided that instead of resolutions, I
would make a list of practices that I would like to incorporate in order to improve my level of
happiness and to better myself in the process.
I thought about what was lacking in my life and what I felt I needed to move on from Doug’s
emotional affair, and I came up with three goals that I would like to implement throughout the
year:
Goal #1: Practice having fun every day. I know this may sound silly, but I realized in the last
several years I have forgotten how to have fun. Prior to the affair, most of my days consisted of
working from the time I woke up to the time I collapsed in bed. I was doing many jobs: wife,
mother, teacher, taxi driver, maid, etc. and life had become very stressful and mundane for
me.
On the days that I did get a break, I was either too tired, too poor, or too frustrated to enjoy
life. The truth was I forgot what made me happy and how to enjoy myself.
This reality was also confirmed by Doug during his emotional affair. He told me I wasn’t any fun
anymore, and he compared me to the fun he was having with Tanya.
I began to believe that I wasn’t capable of being a fun person and often questioned Doug if he
had a good time when he was with me. I realized I had lost all my enjoyment in life, and
therefore is something I want to bring back. I want to make it a habit everyday to do something
fun; something that brings back the child in me. I want to completely let myself go and fully
enjoy the moment.
Goal #2-Learn to tune out my brain. I know that I am a deep thinker and spend most of my day
consumed in my thoughts. I know that most of my thinking is probably unproductive because it
does focus on the past and the future, and is restricting my ability to enjoy the present.
So my goal is to learn how to turn off my brain several times a day and learn to focus on the
present. I am hoping this will be something that I will learn from my therapist, as he appears
competent in methods that allow a person to control their mind and focus on the here and
now.
Goal #3- Work on my self esteem. When I found out about Doug’s emotional affair I stopped
doing many of the things that brought me confidence and pleasure. I believed that these
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activities occupied too much of my time and energy and stopping them would enable me to be
the kind of wife Doug wanted me to be.
I stopped focusing on my job, spending as much time with my children and taking on projects
around the house. I spent every minute trying to save our marriage and unfortunately I lost a
part of Linda in the process.
I was afraid that Doug wouldn’t love me for who I was. I discovered that those activities and
behaviors make up who I am, and by not engaging in them I am taking away part of myself and
my own happiness.
I have learned that there needs to be a balance. I know that our marriage is our number one
priority, and I love every minute Doug and I are together…however, I also have to put forth
effort in other aspects of my life for the sake of my own happiness, personal growth and selfesteem.
My objective is to be confident that I can be who I am and also continue to have the marriage
we have created. I always believed that I could do it all, but that came crashing down on me
two years ago. I want to have it all again, and I want to be happy, I just need to learn to have a
balance and not expect perfection.
Well, there you have it, those are the three areas of my life that I’m going to work on in 2011. I
suggest that all of you, whether the betrayed or the betrayer, take stock in your life and really
figure out ways that you can improve yourself and your life, so that 2011 can be a fabulously
happy and fulfilling year.
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Venting About the Emotional Affair
As all of you know, recovering from an emotional affair takes much strength and patience, as
well as having constant conversations in your head. I know that I talk to myself all the time,
going back and forth between the reality side and the fantasy side. I have to remind myself
about everything I know that is true about affairs and override the fantasy thoughts that I have.
For instance, yesterday as I was lying in bed I found myself briefly going against my New Year’s
goal to stay in “the present,” because I was thinking about Doug’s emotional affair. So this post
is going to be a bit of a vent as a result of those thoughts.
To start with, I was thinking about everything that Doug receives from our relationship
compared to what he received from the emotional affair. I know that he highlighted the
feelings he received from Tanya that were missing in our marriage, however I feel he took for
granted all the ways I was (and am) integrated into his life.
He failed to look at all the things I did give him; how I have supported him and loved him
unconditionally. I feel that he can truly be himself when he is with me.
I know that he believed he was receiving everything he needed from Tanya, but I am confident
that if he took everything away – his marriage, his family, home etc., that she really couldn’t
offer him a fraction of what we do. I believe he would be empty and once again wondering
what was missing in his life.
I also had a revelation of one thing that is missing in my life. Yesterday I ran upstairs to get
ready to go grocery shopping, and Doug rushed in and closed the bedroom door. My first
reaction was that he wanted me. That perhaps while he was downstairs, he thought about me
and decided to run up to have his way with me.
Well I was wrong. He came up to brush his teeth and get ready to go to the store as well. As I
stood there disappointed, I realized how wonderful it would have felt for him to grab me and
experience the urgency of his desire.
I realized how much I miss receiving that feeling. Doug does a great job of showing me he loves
me and cares for me, but the feeling that he would move mountains just to be with me is not
there. I am sure it has to do with our present situation more than anything, but I do miss that
feeling.
I began to think that when your are the other woman (or man) you receive that feeling
constantly. The person that you are having an emotional affair with is sacrificing everything
just to be with you.
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I can only imagine how exciting that feeling can be. I would do anything to know that Doug
wants me so much that he would sacrifice everything just to be with me – his family, his job and
his marriage. That kind of feeling would be exhilarating.
I know that in a long-term marriage a man tends to show his love by working hard, taking care
of things around the house, being a security blanket, etc. But for a man to display that they
want you and they will do anything just to be with you…well I guess that is why emotional
affairs are so addicting.
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Bad News For Relationships in 2011?
Today we have something a little different for you. We are very pleased to have a guest post
from relationship coaches and authors, Susie and Otto Collins.
I’ve had the pleasure of speaking with Otto a couple of times over the phone, and I can tell that
he is a person that is passionate about relationships and helping others to improve their own
relationships. Together with wife Susie, they have developed several books and courses to help
guide people towards more effective communication, better trust, forgiveness and increased
intimacy – all key ingredients to more fulfilling relationships. They have a website that you can
visit by clicking here.
Here is their post:
Could This Mean Bad News For Relationships in 2011?
As we enter 2011, here’s something that was in the news over the weekend that could spell
disaster in all our relationships…
In case you missed it…
The headline of the New Year’s special edition of the USA Today newspaper declared 2010 as
“the year we stopped talking.”
We think that’s significant and so true…
If you doubt the truth of this, just go to any bar, restaurant or social event and you’ll see people
NOT paying attention to the people or event that’s in front of them.
They are tweeting, texting. Facebooking or viewing something else instead of being present to
what’s happening around them (especially to the people they’re with).
We especially dislike it when we pay good money to go to a movie or a concert and the person
beside us or close to us is making noise texting or operating their smart phone in some way.
In the USA Today article, Scott Campbell, assistant professor of communication studies at
University of Michigan who studies social implications of using mobile devices, is quoted as
saying…
“It (plugging in) can be a good thing. But I also see new ways the traditional social fabric is
getting somewhat torn apart.”
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While we certainly use mobile devices (though very, very slow at texting), we can see how there
can be less time and energy for true communication that fosters deeper connection, especially
between people in intimate relationships.
And how our “social fabric”–the way we have traditionally communicated—is getting “torn
apart.”
Is that all bad?
Maybe not but what we know is that without old-fashioned face-to-face authentic and
meaningful communication, a relationship suffers.
We are in no way suggesting that you toss all your electronic devices in the garbage and
become a Luddite.
We are suggesting that you become aware of how you’re communicating with your loved ones.
Make sure that there’s the time and space for the two of you to sit down and talk and share
in the old fashioned way–which is face to face.
Since we always want you to have more love, passion and connection than ever…
Here are a few ways for you to start talking more and creating deeper love and connection in
2011…
1. Set some relationship goals.
Think about what you’d like more of in 2011 in your relationship.
No matter what type of relationship—take some time together and talk about what you want
and some ways that you could practice that would bring you closer to having it.
For instance, one of our relationship goals for 2011 is having more fun together.
One of the ways we could practice is to keep a list of what “having fun” means to each of us
and then do one or more of those things every week–which might mean going to a movie we
both like.
2. Increase the amount of time you spend in bed–both sleeping and making love.
Statistics show that most of us don’t get enough sleep–and relationships can certainly suffer if
you don’t. If you aren’t sleeping very well, begin some type of meditation or relaxation
program.
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There are plenty of resources out there that can help.
If you are with an intimate partner, we suggest that you spend more time making love–from a
connected space.
If you don’t feel connected, make it a practice to feel close and connected before love making.
Talk about how the two of you can increase intimate feelings in your relationship from a place
of fun and curiosity rather than blame and accusations.
3. Forget about it.
Forget about what happened last year. It’s done. It’s over.
If you feel like you need resolution about something that was said or that happened, talk to the
other person.
If you don’t get the resolution that you want, don’t carry that resentment into the new year.
Forgive yourself or the other person.
Does that mean you allow yourself to be used or abused in any way. Of course not!
All we are saying is that unresolved grievances may hurt you more than the other person–or
more than you realize–because you relive what happened over and over.
If you want more peace in 2011, find a way to get some resolution about what happened to you
in the past.
4. Make your relationships a bigger priority by spending more physical time together
Most of us lead very busy lives and we tend to put most everything ahead of maintaining and
growing our relationships, especially intimate ones.
We’ve said this many, many times but the idea bears repeating–People can very easily get
“lost” from one another if they don’t keep coming back to revitalizing their relationship.
Committing to doing one simple thing like having a meal together once a day–or even one day a
week–and talking together can make a big difference in a relationship.
Take this opportunity to call that special person for a “date” and then go and enjoy yourself.
Is there a friend you haven’t seen in awhile and you just don’t seem to get around to calling and
setting up a time to get together?
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Are you and your partner constantly moving in different directions and you never seem to be
able to find time to even sit down and talk?
We never know how long we have on this earth and we only really have today so make a
connection with someone who you care about or even someone you’d like to get to know.
The two of us learned a long time ago that you have to “feed” the relationships that you want
to grow. Do something today to grow yours and you’ll find more love and fullness in your life
than you ever thought possible.
5. Make a change in an attitude that holds you back.
Your attitude toward life and your relationships certainly creates more of the same.
The trick is to change your attitude without “blue-skying” it or telling yourself something that
you cannot believe.
Here’s an example of changing your attitude and the way you think about your partner…
Old attitude–”My partner will never make changes in our relationship.”
New attitude–”My partner is my friend and I can start treating him (or her) that way.”
What new attitude can you begin to embody that will bring you closer to what you want?
6. Find one new (or old) common interest, desire, goal, activity or cause to share with your
partner or a friend.
It’s no secret that one of the important elements to a great relationship is sharing time and
interests. When our lives take us over (and we hear that phrase a lot), we tend to stop doing
the things that have helped us keep our connections with each other.
We forget how to enjoy each other’s company, whether it’s doing something or just “being”
together.
What would you like to do together that you haven’t been doing lately? Maybe it’s something
new that you haven’t tried yet?
Maybe it’s something simple like eating a meal together without distractions or taking a walk
together. Maybe it’s planning and planting a garden or learning to scuba or ski.
Whatever it is, do it in part for connection.
7. Have more fun.
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We would certainly be remiss if we didn’t include having more fun in our list.
So our question to you is this…
What’s “fun” to you?
Is it being with others, doing something that you all enjoy?
Is it being with your loved one having a quiet evening at home snuggling on the couch?
Is it playing with your children or grand children?
Is it learning something new that you love to do?
Is it laughing at a silly movie?
Whatever it is, decide that you are going to do more of it during this year.
If you do, you’ll find that your life and relationships become filled with more love and deeper
connection.
-Susie and Otto Collins
Again, to visit Susie and Otto’s site, click here.
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A Marital Affair is an Oasis From the Mundane
When having a marital affair, all you have to give the other person (OP) is yourself. To you, the
cheating spouse, this is just fine since the OP does not expect you to make the money, do the
household chores or take care of the kids. When the only requirement of your affair partner is
that you be yourself, it is naturally very liberating. There is no stress, no responsibility, no
pressure.
You are able to give yourself freely. You begin to believe that you do not have to be successful,
work hard, be a great dad or be a great spouse, because the OP only wants you. That is the
fantasy of the situation. The affair becomes the oasis from the stress and the mundane.
While in your marital affair, you become addicted to the belief that the OP wants only you.
When they call or text you, they want YOU. This can be very exhilarating, but again, it’s nothing
more than a fantasy. The OP doesn’t expect anything from you but your company.
This cannot last however, as the real world will eventually infiltrate the affair and you will be
asked to offer more than just your companionship.
At some point, perhaps when you get caught, or perhaps when you profess your love for each
other, the OP will want more of a commitment. This is unsettling because this means that you
will have to give more of yourself, more of your time, more of your money, and more of your
responsibility. This is probably not what you really want with their OP since that is what you
were trying to escape in the first place.
I believe the lure of an affair is the belief that OP loves you just as a person, and does not care
about your accomplishments, how successful you are, how helpful you are, what a great father
you are, etc.
Unfortunately, what you are really portraying to the OP during your marital affair is
something and someone you are not. You only show them the traits that they find appealing.
Those traits that are missing in their spouse. You are displaying conditional love.
All of us want to feel that our spouses only want us because of who we are, not because of
what we do for each other. Even though love is based on how we make the other feel and
what we bring to their lives by our actions. I guess all of us long to feel that our spouse wants
to escape with us, and that WE can be their oasis from the stress and the mundane.
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Debunking Some Marital Affair Fantasies
Being involved in a marital affair is surrounded by fantasy and illusion. The most difficult part
for me was that I was also drawn into the fantasy. I romanced Doug’s emotional affair just as
much as he did.
By romancing the affair, I mean that I didn’t follow through on some of the most important
things a betrayed spouse should do when recovering from an affair – to look at the affair as it
really was – a betrayal of commitment. Instead, I looked at it as if it was something magical;
something out of a romance novel that we all long to experience. Today I am going to debunk
some of the fantasies associated with affairs.
Fantasy 1: The betrayed spouse is sacrificing everything just to be with their affair partner.
Reality: They are not really sacrificing anything because they believe they will never be caught.
They are not thinking about their spouses or their family, but only about their selfish pleasure
they are receiving from the affair. Only after they are caught, when the guilt and shame set in,
do they fully realize the implications of their actions.
Fantasy 2: The affair just happened. They just clicked. They weren’t looking for an affair.
Reality: Every day we meet someone who we have something in common with, or have a
personality that we find attractive. However, how we deal with this depends on how
committed we are to our partners and what kind of boundaries are in place to stop things
before they get out of hand.
The affair partners may have “clicked,” but somehow they also sent a message either verbally
or with their body language, that they were interested in something more. At that point they
had a choice whether to act on it or walk away. They always had a choice. It didn’t just
happen. The affair partners tell themselves that it just happened to alleviate the guilt and to
make it appear a lot more romantic than it actually was.
Fantasy 3: The affair partners put so much time and effort into the affair and to be with their
affair partners.
Reality: I believe the most difficult realization that most of the betrayed spouses deal with is
knowing how much time the affair partners spent texting and talking on the phone to each
other. We also know that during the affair recovery our spouses are not putting in half the
effort we believed they displayed during their marital affair.
I have given this a lot of thought and I wanted more than anything to have that much attention
from Doug. Then I really started thinking about how much effort he did put into his affair, and
realized that it didn’t take that much effort at all.
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Heck, he worked with Tanya, so all he had to do was show up at work every day, take frequent
breaks to talk to her, and take her out to lunch. He wasn’t making dinner for her, or getting up
early with the kids so she could sleep in. He was only going to work!
He also mentioned that when he changed offices to a different location, that maintaining the
affair became a pain in the ass. It wasn’t so easy and available. I imagine the ease and lack of
responsibility were very appealing during the affair, but when it became more difficult and
required more work (like being in a marriage) it lost some of its sparkle.
As far as the 100’s of texts and long phone calls…well if any of you have teenagers, then you
know they text all day long. It really doesn’t take much thought or effort as they are mindlessly
moving their fingers and spewing things that they really don’t remember or mean.
I understand how the texting in an affair can be exhilarating and addicting mainly because the
messages received are like forbidden fruit, and no one knows but the cheaters. I imagine it can
be even more exciting when they receive a text in the presence of someone else – like their
spouse. The level of excitement from texting has to wane at some point in an affair and
eventually will become a painful habit.
As for the long phone calls…well I imagine that initially it was very flattering to have the
opportunity to talk about yourself and your situation to someone that will find everything you
say exciting and new. Unlike your spouse, who knows everything about you, and who 25 years
ago stopped laughing at your silly stories that you have repeated a hundred times.
Just as with the texts and phone calls, the excitement and newness of the lunches and secret
meetings will eventually wear off and it will take more effort to maintain the excitement that
was once provided by the affair. In many cases the effort was something the cheating spouse
was trying to escape.
The truth is that most wayward spouses (as well as betrayed) became very lazy in their
marriages. They stop putting forth the effort to curb the boredom that happens with living in
the reality of a marriage. A marital affair provides an opportunity to receive a tremendous
amount of admiration and validation without showing much creativity, planning or effort.
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Ashley Madison a Marriage Preservation Tool?
Over the weekend, we were lounging around watching the NFL playoff games, as we are big
football fans. During one commercial break there was a spot that featured a man that was
professing his distaste for Ashley Madison, which in case you were not aware, is a site much like
Match.com or other dating sites, except it promotes or facilitates marital affairs.
The man, Ryan Hill, mentioned that he was promoting family values and asked that viewers
check out his site at MyMarriageMatters.org. My curiosity of course led me to check it out.
Basically his site displays a replay of the commercial and asks visitors to sign his petition.
At first glance it seemed an admirable thing to do, but I couldn’t help but be skeptical as I felt it
odd that someone would pay big bucks to advertise on a nationally televised, highly rated NFL
football game for something like this – especially just to sign a petition. My skepticism was
further fueled by the fact the commercial showed the Ashley Madison logo, images and website
information just a little too much.
It turns out that someone else felt the same skepticism back in May of last year, as the author
of the Manogamy Movement blog has a few posts that detail his views, along with a
confrontation he had with the man behind MyMarriageMatters.org (who by the way,
interestingly enough seems to be a divorce attorney).
According to Manogamy Movement, it appears that the Mr. Hill and Ashley Madison are pretty
much one in the same, or at least affiliated in some way. Check out the blog posts for the low
down.
Well, I didn’t want to stop there. Since I’ve never been on the Ashley Madison site, I decided to
check it out as well. What struck me right off the back was their tagline: “Life is short. Have an
affair.” I think that it should probably be more like, “If you want a short life, have an affair!”
They also guarantee that you will have an affair if you use their site. Geesh!
I clicked around a bit and read the FAQ, and some of the articles, and eventually got to the page
that mentions various media coverage for the site. There were several videos, and other links
to view, but I found the video below with Mike Huckabee and the founder of Ashley Madison,
Noel Biderman to be pretty good. It gets into the premise behind the site and Biderman’s
justification for its existence. The two men are also joined by a couple of women who used the
site and they explain why they were compelled to do so.
One phrase Mr. Biderman used was that his site is a “marriage preservation tool.” Though I feel
that my emotional affair has wound up helping to make our marriage stronger, I wouldn’t
recommend any kind of an affair as a way to preserve a marriage.
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We’d be curious to hear your thoughts about Ashley Madison, the founder’s justification for
such a site and whether or not you feel it can be a “marriage preservation tool.” You might also
take a little time and read some of the media articles on their site. But be forewarned, some
may get you riled up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha2vucTepPA
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The Cheating Spouse Should Not Romanticize
the Affair
Many of the recent comments have made mention of the cheating spouse and his/her affair
partner having special songs, exchanging sappy emails, special gifts, etc., and to be quite honest
(and blunt) I am fed up with all this romantic bulls#!t associated with an affair.
I am certainly appreciative of the honesty from everyone, cheating spouses included, but to me
this all sounds like a bunch of teenagers in love for the first time.
This type of thing just solidifies the notion that the cheating spouse is (or was) still going over
the fantasy in their minds. The cheating spouse believes that the affair is something so special
in order to escape the reality of the situation.
They cheated on their spouse; they broke their marriage vows and possibly changed the
course of their lives and their family’s lives forever. That is the reality of the situation.
This stuff about special songs, and long emails, exciting sex, texts, etc., has nothing to do with
love. It’s about two people who were together in a perfect situation – their little utopia –
removed from any obstacle that could hurt a relationship and immune from the trials and
tribulations that living in a real marriage can cause.
I wonder if the cheaters ever romanticize their relationship with their spouse they way they
have with their affair partner. Do they think about their special songs, the memories they have
experienced together, the special places they visited or the passionate sex? Or do they only
think about how much their spouses may have neglected or hurt them in some way?
The cheating spouse has to understand that as far as the OP is concerned, there are only good
memories. Everything was at its best. They have very few negative thoughts of the affair to fill
their minds.
It was not because the other person was perfect. It was because they had the perfect
situation. If you were able to have that kind of situation with your spouse they would be
perfect in your eyes as well.
I believe that the cheating spouse would be able to get over the OP much faster if they looked
at the affair in a realistic light. It was a moment of insanity where they almost lost everything
they loved and cherished.
Instead, they need to look at their spouses in a romantic light and as someone who sacrificed
their ideals, beliefs and did everything they could to make their marriage the best it could be;
a person who they should realize will love them even though they may have made mistakes and
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lost their way; a person who will stand by them, protecting their integrity and ultimately
forgiving them.
Their partner is the person the cheating spouse should be daydreaming and thinking about, not
the OP who only gave them a brief experience of selfish pleasure.
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Control Your Thoughts So The Emotional Affair
Doesn’t Control You
During my last counseling session there was much discussion on how the thoughts of the
emotional affair still consume my life. My therapist asked if there was any time that I do not
think about the affair, and honestly I couldn’t really recall many times during the day that it
doesn’t enter my head.
The thoughts are about memories, comparisons of the OP, understanding why it happened,
confusion, etc. He said that this is a terrible way to live and asked what I would be thinking
about instead if the affair had never happened. I mentioned a few things and then I broke
down and agreed that the emotional affair has robbed me of much of my happiness. He
wondered why it still consumes me so much. After more discussion, he asked if I feel the
affair is my fault. Through my tears I whispered yes.
We talked about that for some time, and even though Doug has told me many times that his
emotional affair wasn’t my fault, some of the things he said concerning the affair points at
things that I should have done differently in our marriage.
When Doug and I discuss our relationship prior to the affair, we both conclude that it was the
way we treated each other that contributed to Doug getting his needs met elsewhere.
However, to me that is the same as it being my fault.
We then discussed what kind of wife I was prior to the affair and he pointed out that there
were many ways that I was a good wife and Doug was lucky to have me. He wondered why it
was so difficult for me to see the good things I did compared to what Doug could have done to
be a better husband. I told him I was afraid to see Doug’s part in the deterioration of our
marriage, because then I would be angry, and it was difficult to be the perfect wife and love my
husband when I am angry.
We talked about my need to be perfect and I how it was impossible to compete with the
fantasy of the affair. He told me it is better to be angry than to feel that everything is my
fault. He also suggested I stopped working so hard on my marriage, as he felt it might take the
pressure off and I could focus more on just being me.
So for the next few days I allowed myself to be angry. I also thought about all the reasons why
the affair was not my fault. I began to see the affair as something totally separate from what I
did and didn’t do in our marriage. It really set me free.
I also began focusing on times when I wasn’t thinking about the affair. I realized that when I
was fully engaged in my job, the affair escaped my mind. I also learned that when I brought up
the affair, it affected the rest of my day.
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Often in the morning when I would review new comments on our blog, I would find myself
bringing up Doug’s emotional affair. So I stopped discussing the web site, the comments, and
the affair in the morning which allowed me to maintain better focus on my job, and other
aspects of my life, which allowed me to have a better day.
I also began to control my need to ask Doug questions about topics that are mentioned in the
comments on the blog. I’m trying hard to separate issues that our readers bring up from issues
within our own marriage. I analyze why I need to know these things and if they would help my
marriage.
For instance, the day that everyone was talking about how their cheating spouses had favorite
songs with their affair partners, I had the urge to text Doug and fire questions at him about that
subject. Instead, I was empowered to not allow the fantasy of the affair to take over, so I wrote
a post about debunking the fantasies of the affair instead. I felt more in control.
I found that by not thinking about the emotional affair opened up my mind to be occupied by
good thoughts. Good things like how beautiful the snow looked on the trees, how great my
children are, how wonderful I feel when Doug and I are together, a new decorating project, etc.
For the first time in two years I felt like I was getting back to my old self again. I am more
focused, more productive and definitely happier. I hope that this will continue. It really affirms
that with practice and awareness you can control your thoughts and live in the present.
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I’m Finished Competing With The Emotional
Affair
Last week I wrote a post about romanticizing the affair and the affair partner. I know that
during our affair recovery there was so much focus and discussion about the dynamics of
Doug’s emotional affair, what was happening during their relationship, what needs were being
met by Tanya, etc.
I know that many experts recommend that when recovering from an affair you need to
understand what the cheater received from the affair that was possibly missing in your
marriage. I agree that is an important aspect, but by focusing solely on what the cheating
spouse was getting from the OP, there is added pressure placed on the betrayed spouse to
provide exactly what the OP did during the affair.
Focusing on this aspect of the affair is a bad idea because the betrayed spouse feels
compelled to compete with the OP and the affair. As we know, this is a losing battle because
we are competing with a fantasy and no matter how hard we try and how much effort we put
into our relationship, we will never win.
Last week Doug and I did a session for the Affair Recovery Group on overcoming the affair
fantasy with Jeff Murrah LPC, LCDC . During the session I really grasped an understanding of
how fantasy plays such a significant role in an affair.
Just recently I realized that many of my questions, along with Doug’s answers were used as a
guide to help me mold our marriage to mimic the affair and the way Tanya treated Doug.
Obviously I have learned that this has been very unproductive and frustrating. I finally
understand how significant the role of fantasy played in their affair relationship and how trying
to have an affair relationship in a real life marriage is only setting us up for failure.
There are many ways that we can bring excitement to our relationship, but I am finished
trying to make our marriage into an affair and trying to be someone I am not.
If your struggles to heal from infidelity are weighing on you and are becoming too much to
handle, I highly suggest that you join us in the Affair Recovery Group. Even though Doug and I
are over 2 years into our recovery from his emotional affair, we are both learning an incredible
amount during these sessions. This is not only helping us to understand all aspects surrounding
the affair so much better, but it has also stimulated a deeper level of communication between
us and has brought us closer together.
Check it out by going to the information page, and remember…it’s only $5 for the first month to
try it out!
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Remind Yourself You Are Not Responsible For
The Affair
We wanted to expand a little on the discussion from yesterday with a suggestion that I learned
from Dr. Gunzburg’s book, “How to Survive An Affair” pertaining to the importance of
reminding yourself that you are not responsible for the affair.
It’s an unfortunate truth that the betrayed spouse in an affair often feels that they are
somehow to blame for the affair, and possibly even ashamed that they weren’t able to
prevent it. You will never get over the affair if you continue to blame yourself.
Remember, the affair is not your fault and if you get bogged down in the idea that you are
somehow responsible for the affair and start to feel some shame cropping up inside you, one of
the things Dr Gunzburg recommends is to carry a note with you that reminds you that you are
not responsible for the affair.
The note could have one of the following statements (add more as needed):
•
The Affair was NOT my fault. (Explain why this is true.)
•
I’m going to get through this. (You might add the word “too” at the end of this sentence
if it applies here).
•
He (or she) had the affair without my permission, encouragement, consent, or
knowledge.
•
Just because he (or she) was dishonest and acted like a creep doesn’t mean I have to
lower myself to his (or her) standards.
•
I am a good person worthy of being treated well.
In the space below write that note to yourself now. When it is written, photocopy it and carry it
with you to remind yourself that you have nothing to be ashamed of. This will help you cope
with feelings responsibility for the affair and the shame that accompanies it.
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
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__________________________________________________________
For more information about Dr. Gunzburg’s course, click here.
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Deciphering the Cheating Spouse’s Stories
We have been hitting on a lot of great information during our Affair Recovery Group sessions.
Our last session on fantasies was especially valuable for me. I have gained much insight into
Doug’s emotional affair and am getting closer to fully understanding it. The more I understand
it, the more I feel removed from the affair. I am seeing it in a whole new light.
In the past I put all the blame on me, my personality, my habits and my ability to be a good
wife. I now understand that even though I wasn’t perfect, the affair had a lot more to do with
our relationship and what was going on with Doug than it was about me personally.
During the session, Jeffrey Murrah talked about listening to the story of the affair. That is,
really clueing into what your spouse is telling you when they are discussing their relationship
with the OP. Clueing into what they are receiving from the affair, because this story will give
you an indication of what they really may have been needing at the time.
He also cautioned the betrayed spouse not to get all fired up about everything the cheating
spouse says because much of their story is magnified. The cheating spouse may believe that
they strongly needed certain things, but in reality there may have been other things that were
missing.
For example, a person may have an intense physical affair believing that sex was what was
missing in their marriage. However, it may actually mean that they were missing admiration, or
the feeling of being desired from their spouse. They may not need sex as much as they
thought. Jeff recommends that you listen to their story, but try to use what you already
know about your spouse to decipher this information.
When Jeff suggested asking about the story of the affair, I thought about how difficult it was for
me to hear Doug talk about his relationship with Tanya. I took everything he said personally,
and I really didn’t concentrate or understand what he was telling me.
For instance, when he said Tanya was always positive, I thought to myself that I must be a
negative person. I must be a terrible person to be around. It made me feel worthless. I now
believe what Doug meant was that Tanya didn’t complain to him about things he was or wasn’t
doing.
From listening to some of the things Doug said about Tanya, I know she wasn’t always positive,
especially when it came to her husband. What I believe happened, was that Doug heard me
complaining about finances, or his lack of help around the house, but there was no way he was
hearing that from her. She was always positive when it came to him, which of course is easy to
do when you aren’t living together.
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Doug also would talk about how much fun they would have, and consequently I started to
believe I wasn’t a fun person, that I was boring or we didn’t have that much in common any
more. Then I tried to prove to Doug how much fun I really was by constantly telling him “I am
fun.” Well that wasn’t very productive.
Instead, I think Doug meant that he missed our time together. It appeared to him that I was
always cleaning, running or taking care of things, and that he wasn’t a priority to me and that I
had no desire to hang out with him as we once did.
Doug also said he was bored and lonely. Well of course I looked at this as though I couldn’t
excite him, be interesting enough, and that I wasn’t there for him. He just recently told me that
I really had nothing to do with his boredom, as it had more to do with what was happening with
his job and other things in his life at the time. His loneliness had a lot to do with how busy we
were and how we didn’t have time to spend together. Also, this happened at a time when our
son became more independent and wasn’t around as much for Doug to be with.
I look back on how I misinterpreted so much of the information from the affair and how this
information really affected my self esteem. I truly took everything personally, and believed it
was all my fault. I am now re-analyzing the stories Doug has told me when I first found out
about the affair and am trying to figure out what was missing and what he really needed. I
need to figure this out to get more insight on how to make our relationship the best it can be. I
suggest you do the same.
For more information about the Affair Recovery Group, click here.
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After the Emotional Affair: The Security I
Needed
I had discussed my last therapy session in a previous post and during that session the therapist
and I also explored the implications of taking fault for the affair. He really helped me realize
that I shouldn’t blame myself for Doug’s emotional affair, and by doing so for so long has
definitely caused many problems for me. It has really taken a toll on my self esteem and my
confidence to be a good partner. I was having a hard time being able to look at the situation
objectively. I was focusing so much on the OP and their relationship that I really failed to look
at what our relationship was like before the affair.
My therapist told me that I didn’t have to accept the betrayal, the lies, the way I was treated
during his emotional affair, and that even though I believed I didn’t have a choice (because of
my guilt), I indeed always have a choice to stay in the marriage or leave.
So for the first time I really began to think about what I really wanted. You know I never really
put that out on the table as I constantly asked Doug why he was still here. I gave him a choice if
he wanted to stay or not, but Doug never asked me why I stayed in our marriage, or told me he
would understand if I didn’t want to continue. I asked him if he would have been able to stay in
our marriage if it were me who cheated, and he said he didn’t know. I wonder why it is so
impossible to understand that I may feel the same way.
I knew I loved Doug, but I wondered if that was enough to erase the lies and the cheating. I
knew that my family was very important to me and it would devastate me to tear all of us
apart. You know all of this really stinks because I had to contemplate a decision about our
future based on something that Doug didn’t consult me about in the first place.
Well recently, all of these feelings came out and I told Doug that I had been struggling with
these thoughts about staying in our marriage. I wasn’t sure that I could live with the
memories, the lies and in many ways I fantasized that I would have a better life without him.
I had brought this up before, but Doug dismissed it at the time as me having a bad day. But I
believe this particular day he knew I was serious. Well, he broke down and told me how that
he wouldn’t be able to live without me. The last time he was that emotional was the time over
two years ago that he confessed he had told Tanya he loved her.
To be honest until that point he really hadn’t expressed his feelings for me with such emotion,
and I realized immediately that was something that I really needed. Until that point I wasn’t
sure of his feelings for me. He always tells me he loves me, but to hear his words come out
with such emotion and pain had an entirely different affect on me.
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After this experience I have felt free and secure. I guess knowing that I do have a choice and
finally realizing that I should not take the blame for his emotional affair took the weight off my
shoulders. Doug putting down his guard and really expressing how much he loved me finally
gave me the security that I needed.
I feel like a different person. I am not dragging the affair around with me anymore. I have
stopped thinking about it so much. I have stopped many of the comparisons and have been
successful blocking the memories of his emotional affair from my head.
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The Fantasy, Role Playing and the Playbook
All affairs begin as a fantasy. During our Affair Recovery Group, Jeff Murrah stated that even
one night stands begin with the person thinking (fantasizing) about what it would be like to
have a sexual encounter with another person. When the cheater begins either an emotional or
physical affair they have ready made assumptions about the lover based on what they are
fantasizing about.
For instance, if the cheater sees the affair partner as fun, happy and outgoing at work they
begin to develop a fantasy about how that person would be if they lived together. They then
believe that the OP is that same way in all aspects of their life. If those traits that the cheater
sees at work are appealing, then this fantasy could become very dangerous.
As we all know these assumptions are often inaccurate because how a person acts in work and
social situations may be totally different then the way they act in their real everyday life.
When the affair begins, the partners begin to express their fantasy about each other. They may
express to each other how much they love their fun personalities, and how they wished their
spouses acted the same way. The lover begins to take on the role of a perfect person because
they are receiving affirmation and attention for acting this way. And obviously, the cheater
begins to believe that this person is perfect for them.
When I would ask Doug if Tanya was the perfect woman, he would respond that no one is
perfect. However, in my head she was perfect at the time.
My theory is that it is all about the acting out, or role playing of the fantasy. What I mean by
this is that the cheater only sees the OP in one aspect of their lives, which makes it easy for the
OP to role play as the perfect companion.
Another theory of mine that allows the affair partner to become this perfect fantasy is that they
are in possession of the “playbook.” The lover knows everything the cheater is unhappy about
in his marriage and with his spouse. The lover has been given a guide – a “playbook” – on how
to be the perfect partner. All they have to do are the things that the spouse is not doing, and
don’t do the things that drive the cheater nuts. This way they are sure to meet the most
important needs of the cheater. It’s a piece of cake!
So as the betrayed spouse, how can we take this “playbook” away from the OP, or at least be
able to give it less power? It’s not about competition as you might think. It’s all about
communication, listening and not making assumptions, and I will address this in greater detail
in my next post.
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Discussions
Here are the links to the discussion topics we have had up to the time of
compiling this book. Feel free to click the links to any of them and read the
comments or make one of your own.
Something new! Open Discussion: Talk Amongst Yourselves
Open Discussion: How Did You Handle the Affair?
Open Discussion: Would You Confront the Other Person?
Open Discussion: How Much is Too Much?
Open Discussion: What Will You do to Save Your Marriage?
Open Discussion: Why Are You Here?
Open Discussion: When do you Give up?
Open Discussion: After the Affair Will You Trust Again?
Discussion: What Would You Do Differently?
Open Discussion: Lessons Learned From the Affair
Open Discussion: Talking About the Affair
Open Discussion: Are We Really Meant to be Monogamous?
Open Discussion: Should You Spy on Your Spouse?
Open Discussion: Infidelity Effects on Children
Open Discussion: Are You Working on YOU After the Affair?
Open Discussion: How Important is Knowing Why?
Open Discussion: Has Your Views on Commitment Changed?
Open Discussion: Is a Cheater a Bad Person?
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Open Discussion: Can an Affair be Good for Your Marriage?
Open Discussion: Is Marital Infidelity an Addiction?
Open Discussion: What Are You Learning About You?
Open Discussion: Are You Ready to Accept the Affair and Move On?
Open Discussion: What if the Shoe Were on the Other Foot?
Open Discussion: Your Self-Esteem After the Affair
Discussion: How Do You Handle the Anger After the Affair?
Discussion: The Biggest Impact of the Affair
Discussion: After the Affair Is it Harder to Rebuild Trust or Respect?
Discussion: Do You Feel Responsible for the Affair?
Discussion: What Does Your Spouse Need to do After the Affair?
Discussion: What Stands in the Way of Restoring Trust After the Affair
Discussion: Have You Had Success With Couples Counseling?
Discussion: What Will You Do to Make Them Stay?
Discussion: What Are Your Greatest Struggles After the Affair?
Discussion: Do Cheating Spouses Regret Their Actions?
Discussion: Should a Cheating Spouse Confess?
Discussion: What are You Thankful For?
Discussion: How Do You Get Over the Past Pain?
Discussion: How Do You Compete With a Fantasy?
Discussion: How Have You Dealt With Your Feelings?
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Discussion: What’s Your Miracle After the Affair?
Discussion: Your New Year’s Goals for Affair Recovery
Discussion: What Efforts Are You Making to Save Your Marriage?
Discussion: How Do You Cope With The Negative Thoughts?
Discussion: Acknowledging Responsibility vs Feeling at Fault
Discussion: Can You Make Your Marriage Better After the Affair?
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Videos and Audios
Here are the links to most all of the videos and audios that we posted to the
site. There are a few still in the main body of the book that were part of longer
posts.
Signs of An Emotional Affair Part Two
I thought it would be helpful to show you a brief video of what renowned relationship
therapist, Dr. Sheri Meyers considers as signs of an emotional affair. Enjoy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pFrkC7PFHc
Ending the Affair
I wanted to share another brief video by Dr.Sheri Meyers, as I feel this one is also very good and
is one that I can really relate to. She mentions that people who get involved in any type of affair
usually have something that is missing in their relationship with their partner which they
subsequently find in their affair partner. This was the case with me and Linda which eventually
caused me to have my emotional affair with Tanya. Though I still loved Linda, I was able to find
qualities in Tanya that I actually needed (and should have asked for) from Linda, but was not
getting. As Dr. Meyers says, it was like I had my cake and was eating it too.
After I realized what I had at stake and could lose very easily, I knew that I had to end the affair
with Tanya. Unfortunately, it took a while for it to end once and for all. As I mentioned, Tanya
was like a drug that made me feel good, and it was difficult just to walk away, even though I
knew that I had to. I knew that I had my family and all the great things that go with having a
family, a wife who loved me regardless of how badly I hurt her, and at the same time a
relationship with a woman that gave me many of the things that were missing in my marriage.
What man could ask for more?
The pressure started to mount big time, and all this bliss was starting to explode in my face. I
was torturing Linda and consequently faced her emotions on a daily basis, and at the same time
Tanya was starting to talk more seriously about our relationship, and was becoming more
demanding of my time and energies. I knew what I had to do, but rather than just cutting things
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off with Tanya, I started to become more distant, we talked less and we didn’t see each other
nearly as much. Naturally, all of this didn’t sit too well with her and consequently we would
argue sometimes when we were together. I didn’t need all of this!! Suddenly, the relationship
was becoming more of a hassle than it was worth. It finally got to a point where I couldn’t take
it any longer and I simply told Tanya that it had to end. Things were going way too crazy for me
and I wasn’t about to leave my family. It was time for me to start rebuilding my relationship
with Linda.
After ending the affair, it was difficult at first because I would often think about Tanya and
would wonder how she was doing, which I think was only natural. It didn’t help either that
Linda would bring up something about her and our relationship on a daily basis. But I promised
myself I wouldn’t make any contact with her and would do what I could to save my marriage
with Linda. That is when our whole new journey began.
Now, here is the video from Dr. Sheri Meyers. It’s only a little more than 5 minutes long, but it
has some good stuff in it. I hope that you can get some value from it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBSRTHP8YyM
Think Before Having an Affair
Today I’m going to do something a little different and present a little audio clip that I put
together this morning. It basically deals with the importance of thinking before you act on any
type of affair, whether sexual or emotional in nature. Don’t worry, it’s not extremely long or
anything and will only take less than 8 minutes to listen to.
During the audio I will run through a list of questions to ask yourself (or your spouse), so you
might want to have a pen and paper handy to jot them down. If you happen to be the victim of
an affair, these can be good questions to ask your spouse. They will no doubt create some
dialogue between the two of you, and may help you to realize the underlying reason for the
affair and point you in the direction to save your marriage.
I hope you enjoy the recording, and would appreciate any feedback as to whether you like the
audio format or not.
Here’s the link to the audio file: Think Before Acting
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Salvaging Your Relationship After An Affair
Here is another short video from Dr. Sheri Meyers about what you need to do after the affair.
Many of the ideas that she mentions, Linda and I have done, and they do work. Check it out and
give it a try.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPvrrXPfxVM
Causes of Marital Infidelity
I have another short video hot off the press to show you today. I found that the statistics that
expert, Whitney Casey, noted were quite interesting:
•
•
•
•
•
48% of men cheated because they were not feeling emotionally connected to their
spouses.
66% of those men who cheated never thought that they would have cheated, and are
feeling guilty that they have.
77% of cheating men tend to hang out with other cheaters.
40% cheated with a co-worker.
And surprisingly…Only 12% of the men who cheated thought their mistress was better
looking than their wife.
What stands out from these numbers and the rest of the video is the importance of couples to
work hard on the emotional aspects of their marriage. The cause of marital affairs aren’t
necessarily due to a man (or woman) simply wanting to have sex with a hot woman (or man). It
is caused more often by a lack of emotional connection within the marriage or relationship. So
instead of working on our waistline or getting breast implants, perhaps we should try talking
and listening more!
http://www.better.tv/videos/m/32087037/why-men-cheat.htm#q=whitney+casey
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Video: How to Get Revenge…
Linda and I were online last night looking at some forums that we like to participate in, and saw
several videos having marital affair themes. Now there is nobody who knows more than us how
serious a subject this is, but this particular video absolutely made both of us laugh out loud.
Sometimes, we all need a little bit of humor to help us through. Check it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlrYqs_5aH0
Infidelity: 8 Stages of Recovery
Today we wanted to show you a nice video from Dr. Huizenga, the Infidelity Coach, and author
of “Break Free From the Affair” about the 8 Stages of Recovery. In the video he goes through
the 8 different emotions that one feels after being victimized by infidelity. One of the main
points of the video is for the betrayed spouse to focus more on yourself so that you can move
yourself through the 8 states of recovery faster.
We have referred to “Break Free From the Affair” many times throughout our ordeal, and it has
been an extremely valuable resource for us. In fact, our copy of the book is all dog-eared and
almost worn out, and is sitting underneath my comfy chair in our family room!
After viewing the video, please comment on what stage you or your spouse are currently in and
how you are focusing on you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaWtrdivBes
Cheating Spouse Gets Dumped On
This video of a cheating spouse getting her beloved convertible filled with horse manure was
forwarded to us the other day, and I must say that we had a nice chuckle watching it. However,
one thing that we discussed after viewing it was the issue of taking revenge after discovering
your spouse had an affair. Luckily for me, Linda didn’t exact any revenge, but I’m sure it
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happens every day. Whether it’s dumping horse crap in your spouse’s car, having a “revenge
affair” or exacting revenge in any other form, we’d like to hear your comments on what you
thing about the subject. We’d also be curious to hear if any of you did indeed perform some
sort of revenge act against your cheating spouse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvgpUcpd8vs
Coping With Infidelity: Q&A with Michele
Weiner-Davis
It’s Saturday and we have another good video for you today. Linda really likes the work of
Michele Weiner-Davis. She especially enjoyed the book “The Divorce Remedy” (found in The
Library). Weiner-Davis’ advice for those coping with infidelity is practical, reasonable and very
much pro-marriage. In this video she answers a question from a person who has suffered from
her husband having an affair. Her situation is very similar to many of our readers who make
comments or send us emails detailing their experiences. The video is only around 7 minutes, so
please take the time to listen and we’re sure you’ll learn something from it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=je_VuhRKph8
What NOT to Do to Save Your Marriage
Well, it’s video Saturday and we’ve found a good video from Lee H. Baucom, PhD. In the video
he says that often when we’re faced with problems in our marriage we think of all the things
that we have to do to save our marriage. But what about the things that we should NOT do?
Watch the video for some sound advice and if you’re interested in more information from Mr.
Baucom to help save your marriage, you can go to his site: Save the Marriage.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=5QlhesgOomI&vq=medium#t=48
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Cheaters Caught on Video
Well once again it’s video Saturday. Our open discussion this week was about reactions to
finding out about affairs. Today we have a couple of videos from the TV show “Cheaters.” Most
of you are probably familiar with this show, and while I admit the pretense of the show is a bit
cheesy, and the host Joey Greco is a slime ball, it is interesting (and humorous at times) to see
the reactions of those involved when they confront their cheating partners.
It’s quite funny watching the guy who cheated in the first video run around in a laundromat
trying to find some pants to put on, while his spouse actually reacts quite calmly. The second
video is a little different and shows the reaction of a man who was cheated on by his girlfriend.
He was somewhat calm when he was made aware of the affair, but then reacted with rage
when he confronted the two of them. Tipping over the port-a-john was priceless! Then
afterwards, he was calm again and admitted he could have done better in their relationship.
Pay attention to Greco’s update at the end. Any of that sound familiar?
So how would you react?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGX0TAEL0qc
Recovering After an Affair
This week’s video is a very good one and well worth watching. It is rather long, about 30
minutes, give or take, but hits on many of the issues that we have been discussing lately. The
video is an interview from a show called Marriage Uncensored and is with Dave Carder, one of
our favorite authors (“Torn Asunder’) and he offers great advice on recovering after an affair.
Unfortunately there was no direct way to embed the video on this site, so you will have to
follow a link to the actual show. It’s well worth it! Have a great weekend!
http://www.marriageuncensored.com/assets/flash/Season6/Show613.php
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Save Your Marriage Help
This week we have a series of three videos with Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of a great book
entitled
“The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage”, about the
practical tools for repairing a relationship with time, practice and patience. Discover how you
can single-handedly hold your marriage together and create the relationship you want.
As we’ve mentioned in the past, Michele puts out some really good stuff and is one of our
favorite authors on this subject. Please take some time to view these videos and let us know
your thoughts.
Have a great weekend!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zauQ8hXWqg8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwW28VOogls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XWlCWHVKrU
Recovering From a Broken Marriage: Video
This week’s video is a good one. It is with Dr. David Hawkins, the author of “Love Lost.” The
discussion centers around recovering from a broken marriage. Dr. Hawkins himself suffered
from a traumatic event when his wife of 28 years told him she didn’t love him anymore and
asked him to leave. He offers his advice to those who may be suffering from such an event–
including the aftermath of an affair.
Watching this video brought to mind our neighbors who ended their 27 year marriage because
of an affair. The wife was back last week clearing out the remainder of her belongings and
Linda was able to talk with her about what had transpired.
It turns out that her husband (now ex-husband) and a co-worker who is 20 years younger than
him hooked up. One day he comes home and says he wants a divorce. A week later the wife is
talking to a lawyer and 3 months later they are divorced, sold their home, and moved away.
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The kicker is that now the husband has to pay his ex-wife half of his salary, half of his pension,
and cover her with insurance. On top of that, both of his sons are mad as hell and won’t talk to
him, and one of them is really taking it badly. So much so that he has dropped out of college.
Oh and one more thing…the new girlfriend wants to have his baby! Yikes! Just what I’m sure
he wants being the 54 year-old man that he is. We’re really curious to see how this all plays out
in the future.
Oh well, check out the video as it is very good. Unfortunately there was no direct way to embed
the video on this site, so you will have to follow a link to the actual show. It’s well worth it!
Video: Are You at Risk For an Affair?
Happy Saturday!
Once again we have a very good video with Dave Carder. This time he is interviewed based on
his book “Close Calls-What Adulterers Want You to Know,” which discusses characteristics and
reasons for why people have affairs.
Did you ever wonder what causes an affair? This video and Carder’s book go over many reasons
why one would have an affair, why a person is attracted to someone, and in what times
individuals are the most likely to have an affair. Just knowing these facts can make us all more
aware of what to look for, and how to avoid having an affair. We highly recommend reading
this book. For now though, click on the link below to enjoy the video! After viewing it, you
might want to take his test: “Are you at Risk for an Affair?”
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Video: Building a Marital Affair Proof Marriage
We’ve established that marital affairs occur in most cases because one or both partner’s needs
are not being met within a relationship. This week’s video is with Dr. Bill & Joyce Harley. Dr.
Harley is the author of “His Needs Her Needs-Building an Affair Proof Marriage” and in this
video he, his wife and co-hosts discuss the primary needs of men and women and how they can
be recognized and utilized to affair proof a marriage.
This video can be helpful for you in both prevention of affairs and repairing your relationship
after an affair. There is also a helpful Emotional Needs Questionnaire download that you and
your partner can complete so that you can better understand each other’s most important
needs.
Please click on the link below to view the video. Have a great weekend!
Video – Why Women Have Affairs
If you haven’t noticed by now, this Marriage Uncensored show has become one of our favorites
as they always seem to have good guests with interesting and valuable things to discuss. This
week their guest is discussing the reasons why women have affairs. Of course, men can
certainly have affairs for many of the same reasons.
There is also a list of 10 boundaries to protect and affair proof your marriage. You can
download it by clicking here.
Click on the link below to watch the video, and have a great weekend!
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Video: Regaining Trust After an Affair
Happy Saturday, and an early happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there!
The comments this past week have been jumping with respect to regaining trust after an affair.
Our video this week is a brief one with Esther Perel, author of “Mating in Captivity,” where she
discusses this subject rather well. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FidYWOMURxE
Video: Tips for Resolving Conflicts
Here is a really good video featuring Dr. David Hawkins. He discusses a major topic that we all
probably can do better at in our relationships: Resolving Conflicts.
Though the video is not specific to surviving infidelity, the strategies can be applied to each of
our situations. After all, an affair is a conflict, is it not?
You can also check out Dr. Hawkin’s “Top Ten Tips for Resolving Conflicts in Relationships.”
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Video: Saying Your Sorry After an Affair
Good Saturday!
This week we have posted about forgiving infidelity, and today’s video centers on the other side
of the forgiving process, and that is saying you are sorry. The video does not deal specifically
with apologizing after an affair, but discusses apologizing in general and why it’s important for
the healing process.
The guest is Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of “The Five Languages of Apology.” This may be a
good video to show your spouse who committed the betrayal of an affair.
https://www.marriageuncensored.com/clips/Season4/Show424.html
Video: Meeting the Needs of Your Spouse
Good Saturday!
This week we have a nice little video about how men and women have different needs and how
they can be met. Not meeting each other’s needs is a major reason for affairs and the breaking
up of marriages in general.
Check out this video and you might learn a few things about how men and women look at
things differently and the importance of continually meeting their needs.
Click on the link below to watch the video, and go enjoy your weekend!
https://www.marriageuncensored.com/clips/Season4/Show430.html
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Video: Recognizing & Dealing With Emotional
Infidelity
Well Saturday is finally here and we have a very good six-minute video for you today that
features author Danine Manette. In the video she discusses emotional infidelity and it’s
definition, effects and signs, as well as tips to repair your marriage after an emotional affair.
Please check it out. For a six-minute video it has some good information.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFepIUJCJ7c
Linda’s Interview about Confrontation After
the Emotional Affair
A couple of weeks ago Linda was involved in a webinar with Dr. Robert Huizenga, author of
“Break Free From the Affair.” Linda was interviewed about her opinions on confronting the
other person. In her case she chose not to confront Tanya, and in the interview she explains
why.
Right click the link for the MP3 download to the interview , and click “Save link as” so that you
can listen to the hour-long discussion at your leisure. It will take a minute or so to upload
depending on your connection speed, so please be patient.
In addition to discussing the confrontation issue, Linda and Dr. Huizenga also discussed several
other subjects:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Linda’s initial thoughts, feelings and emotions just after D-day.
Dr Huizenga sites the characteristics of an emotional affair.
Why it’s risky in an emotional affair to confront the OP.
What questions to ask yourself before you confront the OP.
What types of affairs lend themselves to confrontation.
How to get past constantly asking questions of the cheating spouse.
453
•
Learn how Linda uses self-talk to help her move past the difficult aspects of the
emotional affair.
Once again, right click the link to download the MP3 of Linda’s interview with Dr. Huizenga.
Click the following link to check out Dr. Huizenga’s new book, “Confronting the Other Person.”
For more information about Dr. Huizenga, “The Infidelity Coach” please visit his website at
www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Good Morning America Profiles Couple Trying
to Survive an Affair
Good Morning America today had a segment profiling a couple who is trying to survive an
affair. The husband was feeling unloved and neglected by his wife and ended up having an
affair. A familiar story indeed.
You may want to read their story and watch the video of his marital affair and then watch the
follow up segment tomorrow morning which will film them while in a couples counseling
session. We will try to post the follow up tomorrow as well. For now, follow this link to their
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/marriage-rocked-cheating-couples-counselingstory:
session/story?id=12019175
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“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all
has finally come together. What you have always
wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and
laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself...
'How did I get through all of that?”
We want to sincerely thank you for joining us on this journey from an emotional
affair. It is our true hope that in reading this, we have been able to empower you
with knowledge, hope and motivation as you travel your own journey from an
affair. Don’t let anyone get in your way!
Doug & Linda
Emotional Affair Journey
Affair Recovery Group
Email: help@emotionalaffair.org
455

The Emotional Affair Journey Handbook

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