Daily Bull 2011-1-14

D
Friday, January 14, 2011
“What’s another word for
Thesaurus?”
-Steven Wright (1955 - )
Sentences 2.0!
By Jon “Big-O” Mahan
~ Daily Bull ~
Remember a REALLY long
time ago. Like REALLY long.
Think back to k-day of this
year. Yeah, that long. Remember those sentences you
gave us? Remember the article I wrote using those sentences? And remember how
there was supposed to be
another? Well... Sunshine’s a
lazy sieve, and didn’t feel like
writing it. Finally, I managed
to kick my own butt into
gear, and do it. So, with out
further ado, sentences!
Tranny housewives begin
their day like many of us
do.They start off thinking
about how Steve Knudstrup
is cooler than his cousin Megan, and quickly move on
to more important topics to
be thinking about like sugarflipmuffincabbagepatchdragonpoof. Of course this
doesnt last long, as with everyone, they begin to think
up some crazy mixed drink
ideas. Snootchie Bootchies
are a great idea for just such
...see Zzzzz... on back
AILY
BUL L
The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like a broken cheese grater!
The Blizzard of the Southern East Coast
By Sam Schall ~ Daily Bull
Over Christmas break, the southern of snow - all before cars were allowed
parts of the east coast received what on the roads again. Several homes were
several locals
reduced to
were calling a
using salt shakblizzard. They
ers to melt the
saw about a
snow from the
whopping todriveways and
tal of 2 inches
sidewalks.
at most in
some places,
One local famand reach
ily told us that
wind speeds
“The blizzard
of about 15
here really hit
mph near the
us hard. My
coast. For an
[spouse] was
area that was
trapped at
completely
work and we
unprepared
weren’t able
for snow, this
to see them till
blizzard hit
the police let
them hard.
us back on the
Meanwhile, in Houghton...
Governors of
roads. I heard
several states were forced to call a state they were even arresting people for
of emergency.
driving, claiming it was ‘reckless endangerment’ for those people shoveling. I
The snow caused all area schools to shut couldn’t even see my neighbor about a
down for a couple of days to get together half mile away through that snow though,
a big cleanup crew for the main cities to so it must have been dangerous.”
start functioning again. The smaller towns
were forced to get together a team of Even though the local college campuses
shovels to move snow off the main roads were shut down for the break, several
before the snow plows were allowed college kids who did stay on campus for
on them to clean off the last millimeter the break were in shock. Several claimed
...see Finally! on back
If you’re happy and you know it, clap
your hands! If you’ve got the clap and you
know it, don’t clap my crotch...
Amazeing
Brought to you by The Daily Bull!
... Zzzzz... from front
an occasion, when drinking is called
for, and everyone killed Mr. Sunshine
because he creeped them out.
It is of course common knowledge to
these housewives that AFROTC is better than Army ROTC. It’s just a known
fact. Like how Grant Cox kicks ass and
you should all worship his sexy body.
I mean, just think about it. Has anyone
ever been as far as to want to do to
look more like? I mean, often times
my hair is too long, I can’t find my
shoes. How frustrating is that?
On a side note. Pokemon. Yes, pokemon can be used for about everything. You can even describe my sex
life in pokemon moves: Sleep Powder, Harden, Pound, and String Shot.
But enough of that tomfoolery. Back
to the expose on tranny housewives.
One particular tranny housewife had
an interesting day, by many standards. Started by pondering things
like Ashley is Awesome, it is what it
Daily Bull
EDITOR IN CHIEF
Liz Fujita
FACULTY
ADVISOR
David the BFG Olson
ROCKET GRUNT
BREAD WINNER
Jon “Big O” Mahan
Simon Mused
MONOPOLY GUY
Alec Hamer
SCRIBE
Stephen Whittaker
Liz Fujita, Jeremy “Mr. Sunshine” Loucks, Simon Mused, Jon “Big-O”
Mahan, Alec Hamer, John Pastore, Matt Villa, Mary Kennedy, Ruben
Garcia, Benjamin Loucks, Lauren Allen, Stephen Whittaker, Sam Schall,
Sandra Custer, Frank McGuire, Mike Cardwell, Bryne Judy, Bill Melcher,
Jeremy Moore, Kyle Roe, Cameron Long, John Earnest, Olivia Zajac,
Jodhbir Singh, and 17 frivolous zombies.
©2010 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved.
Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk
shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The
Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse any advertisements or guest
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however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions
in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator.
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The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily Bull for
buying our own damn printer that this publication
is printed on. We would also like to thank the Student Activity Fee for helping to pay for our paper
and toner costs.
Advertising inquiries, questions &
comments should be directed to
bull@mtu.edu
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is, and the table saw safety rule #1
: If at some point you are not in contact with the board, it will come back
and make contact with you, the day
seemed fairly normal for the tranny.
Upon reaching the store, she over
heard and argument which she only
caught the end line. However, the
line “For the Love of Donut Queefing Supersluts” was enought to rattle
even the bravest of fried turtles. now
thouroughly rattled, she continued
to overhear more and more stange
conversations. From the next aisle
over “Sunshine’s beard is the most
epic thing ever. THIS IS SPARTA!” and
“Hurry up the machine is stuck, I have
struck a bonanza!”.
Now that’s an ax murderer if I ever
saw one!. Still, this did not help our
poor tranny, as she imediately began
to flee.
She ran for her life. Over the river
and through the woods, around the
bend, and up the way. Still as she approached the end of her sprint, she
hastily proclaimed “I need to pee!”
Before going about her business.
This was a fatal error on her part. For
the ax murderer was right behind her,
chanting “Every day is Mrs. Fogal’s
birthday.” A strange and bewildering
chant if there ever was one. She tried
to get the aide of a few students, as
she ran by them, trying to escape the
As strange phrases entered her shat- murderer, but alas, the student body
tered mind, she lost touch with reality. was considered too stupid to handle
She began to debate whether con- potatoes, and thus of no use to her.
crete is a better paving material than
asphalt or not. And as she came She fled into the woods, taking shelaround a corner, a large man in a ter where she could. But before long,
white mask with an axe approached . the pink and purple dotted lions
began to come out and haunt her.
... Finally! from front
never to have seen snow all their lives, hard anywhere and the locals had to
so the big statewide shutdowns were be recklessly endangering everyone
around them for working in that ena shock to their systems.
vironment.
One student, though, home from a college campus high in northern Michigan So, in the snow, they were hit by the
was arrested during the snowstorm worst snow they’ve seen in decades
for the above mentioned ‘reckless en- and it shut down several places. People
dangerment’. When questioned at the were arrested for thinking there was
station, the student seemed confused. worst snow then 2 inches in a day
and trying to
“Why would
drive in this
the roads
freak weathbe shut
er. Families
down? I
were sepawalk to class
rated bethrough
cause of all
s n o w
the roads
storms 4
being shut
times as
down. Luckbad as this
ily, though,
flur r y. I’ve
there were
seen worse
no acciin snow Ocdents with
tober. Hell, I
this road
don’t think
shutdown.
they shut
down campus in ten years for snow-weather In other news, the little town of Houghreasons.” That student was then taken ton MI is predicting a light snowfall of
in for psychiatric care; many locals and only about 2 feet in the area for today,
family member thinking the student so there will no school cancellations
was insane. It would never snow that in the county.
Fortunately, they mostly come out at “No John, you are the demons.” And
night. Mostly. This was sadly of little then John was a zombie.
use to our heroine, as the time passed
seemingly endlessly. As she slept at
night, she heard sounds from just a
little away. Sounds like cow? moo
cow? cow moo? moo moo cow? It
wasn’t long, for seven days passed,
and still no gravy. She’d lost her touch
with sanity, and quickly called the first
person she could, for help, specifically a mental hospital.
“You must stop the demons!” She
called out on the phone.