Real Simple Magazine

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To Do: Fall inLove
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LESSONS Makinglists
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with its most,magical ones
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I HAVE ALWAYS LOVBD LISTS. My UStS,
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WRITTEU BY REBECCA BAHRY
PHOT06BAPHS EY CEDRIC ANMLES
Writing a list
can "force
you to sit down
and start
daydreaming."
38, a designer in Los
Angeles. Her to-do
list philosophy: "Put
everything on one list
and save ail the lists
for future reference."
Right: A list from
Monica Friel, 36,
owner of Chaos To
Order, a home and
office organizing
service in Chicago.
Her to-do list
philosophy: "If you
don't schedule your
to-do's, they won't
get done."
I didn't move to Texas,but that list made
a home for itself in my psyche. It didn't
stop me from dating men I wouldn't many,
but I began to look at them differently.
Good dancer, not really land enough, I'd
think. Or,Very kind.Very nice dancer.
Oops-likes to drink a little too much.
This is the real beauty of a list: Once
you make it, it begins to take on a life of its
own. "Research shows that writing down
what you want to have happen in your life
gives you a much greater chance of having
your goals come true compared to somebody who doesn't write down her goals,"
says Martha Beck, Ph.D., author of Finding
Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You
Were Meant to Liue (Three Rivers Press, $14).
It's one of the reasons many therapists
and career counselors~allkinds of
experts-like us to write things down.
Articulating our desires makes us commit
to them. Here's where "the list"+ list of
all the things you want to do with your
life, from your wildest dreams (be in a
Robert Altman film) to the more concrete
(learn to play the piano)~comesin.
Pick a time when you have a few hours
to yourself, with no one around to influence
what you write. Make a cup of coffee or
tea; sit down with paper and pen in a warm,
cozy spot. Don't make your list on a computer.You'l1 give it more weight ifit's in
permanent ink,in your own handwriting,
on a good piece of paper.
Once you're set up, let your mind go
wherever it wants. "The best argument for
one of these lists is that they force you to
sit down and start daydreaming," says
Sasha Cagen, founder and coeditor of
TO-DO
List magazine. Come up with a few
things you would do if you had no limits.
"Even if I have a wildly improbable goal, I
write it down,"says Beck. " ~becomes
t
an
enormous amount of fun when you realize
that these things actually start to happen."
Once you've dreamed up several big
wishes, think of some that are more obviously doable. If you have "Own a pair of
Jimmy Chw shoes" next to "Get a Ph.D.,"
great "That way you can cross off a few of
1\ff0 years
after I made
that list of
things I
wanted in a
husband,
I met him.
Above: From Kate
Zink, 26, a teacher
in Philadelphia. Her
to-do list philosophy:
"Write it down on
whatever is
convenient."
the more easily achievable things," says
Cagen, "giving yourself momentum to
tackle the more challengingones."
Make sure the list is coming from your
truest self, not from a part of you that is
responding to other people's expectations.
"A lot of us think we want to have experiences when what we really want is to
impress or please other people," says Beck.
"I have a lot of clients who say, 'Oh, of
course I want to have children,' but if they
look at it, they really don't. It's just that
society expects every woman to have
children, and if you don't want children,
you're considered kind of defective."
Some intangible personal goals should
be on your list. Mixed in with the crossoff-able ("Take an opera tour of Europe")
are more behavioral things ("Learn to say
no").You don't always have to do those
things, but they work nicely as reminders
of the kind of person you want to be.
"What was interesting for me was that
task-oriented goals mixing with the personal goals-like 'Be a grateful daughter'made everything seem more manageable,"
says Kate Oestreich, 27, a teacher in
Columbus, Ohio. "I think I am a grateful
daughter, but I like having the reminder
there because it's so easy to take your parents for granted. I also put down'Gossip
less," Oestreich adds. "Ha ha."
Once you've made your list, put it
somewhere private. "Not on the refrigerator or the bulletin board," says Cagen.
"Find a more personal, sacred space."
Your beside table or your journal or a
photo album. Then let it sit. "Don't look
at it more often than every six months,"
Cagen adds.
You can use the list as a reference
point on your birthday. Or when you're at
a crossroads-if you're heartbroken, for
example, or you've just been let go from
work. "It's a great way to anchor yourself
when you're at a loss,"says Oestreich."You
think, Oh yes, at some point I was feeling
good, and I had these ideas, and they're
still part of me. Maybe I should pick up one
of those right now."
BUT HERE'S WHY Ireallybelieve in this
kind of list: Two years after I made that list
of things I wanted in a husband, I met a
man at work who was unbelievably kind.
I knew this because no one could say a
bad word about him, and because when he
laughed (which he does often), it was a
rich, full, genuine laugh. You couldn't meet
this man and not notice his beautiful
laugh. And whenever he was around, I
found myself blushing. At first it happened
occasionally,like when he asked me
about my ex-boyfriend, and then it started
happening all the time. Sometimes it
was enough to hear his voice in the corridor
and my face would start to burn. Finally,
one day we were sitting in the office and it
was about time to go home, so I asked
him if he wanted a drink from the bottle of
bourbon I kept in my desk. He said,
'"Oh.Maker's Mark. Sure. I won a bottle of
that in a dance contest once." I married
him, of course. And ever since then, if I
want something from this life, I write the
sucker down.