Are You Angry? - Stunned By Grief

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Anger, Guilt, Depression,
and “Why?” Questions
Anger is really disappointed hope.
—Erica Jong
Anger
A
t least sometime during the grieving process, people are angry
with doctors, their family, God, their situation, themselves—
and even with the person who died.
Clearly, not all anger is rational, and can cause us to make
decisions we will later regret. While anger is normal when working through grief, if it lingers too long or harms others emotionally
or physically, it is obviously not healthy—and can be destructive.
I have encountered people in grief-support groups who did not
even realize they were angry until they started to journal or talk about
what was on their minds. As they faced their feelings and began to
identify them, anger percolated to the surface . . . and they recognized its presence lurking within their own issues. This realization
enabled them to work through the anger and move toward healing.
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Stunned by Grief
Carrie’s mom died after a long illness. Their relationship had
been a tug-of-war for control throughout their lives, but the two of
them worked hard to resolve their differences
before her mom died. Carrie wrestled with guilt
Anger: an acid
and deep sadness over her mother’s death, and
that can do more
she withdrew, internalizing her loss.
harm to the vessel
As she discussed her situation, Carrie grew
in which it is stored
angry. She blamed her husband for not being
than to anything
supportive. However, she had not shared any
on which it is
of her feelings with him. He had no idea what
poured.
was going on, what she needed, or how he could
—Seneca
help. Carrie’s withdrawal had pushed him farther
away. Once she realized what was happening, she
knew that their issues were the result of her unidentified (and unjustified) anger. She saw that she needed to communicate with her husband and begin to release the angry emotions.
Anger can actually help us. It can bring us
I have encountered
to the point when we finally say, “Enough is
people . . . who did
enough,” and we decide it is time to do whatnot even realize
ever is necessary to get better. Anger reminds
they were angry
us, after feeling numb, that our emotions are
until they started
reawakening.
to journal or talk
Anger reminds us we are still alive.
about what was on
In the following poem, I Told God I Was
their minds.
Angry, Jessica Shaver Renshaw speaks honestly
about thoughts we may have but are tough to
admit, even to ourselves.
Anger toward God can be difficult to face up to because it generates tremendous guilt. Sometimes anger focuses on others or even
on oneself, but regardless of its target, confession and forgiveness are
necessary.
Anger, Guilt, D epression, and “ Why?” Questions
I Told God I Was Angry
I told God I was angry.
I thought He’d be surprised.
I thought I’d kept hostility
quite cleverly disguised.
I told the Lord I hate Him
I told Him that I hurt.
I told Him that He isn’t fair,
He’s treated me like dirt.
I told God I was angry
but I’m the one surprised.
“What I’ve known all along,” He said,
“you’ve finally realized.
“At last you have admitted
what’s really in your heart.
Dishonesty, not anger,
was keeping us apart.
“Even when you hate Me
I don’t stop loving you.
Before you can receive that love
you must confess what’s true.
“In telling Me the anger
you genuinely feel,
it loses power over you,
permitting you to heal.”
I told God I was sorry
and He’s forgiven me.
The truth that I was angry
has finally set me free.
—Jessica Shaver Renshaw
© 1989
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Stunned by Grief
Anger is a normal response to loss. However, anger victimizes us.
Just like all other emotions connected to grief, resolving these feelings
constructively promotes mental and physical health.
In Patsy Clairmont’s book, Under His Wings, she talks about the
importance of experiencing the full range of emotions connected
with grief:
If we don’t feel, weep, talk, rage, grieve, and question, we will
hide and be afraid of the parts of life that deepen us. They make
us not only wiser but gentler, more compassionate, less critical,
and more Christlike.
Unless we squarely face the difficult, painful parts of life, we will
not go through the steps that give us the capacity to be more deeply
human. Grief work is worth the price.
Guilt
Most people (actually, all!) feel guilty and try to second guess what
they coulda, shoulda, might have done . . . and on and on. Truthfully,
most people do the very best they can with what they know at the
time. Maya Angelou talks about making mistakes and doing better:
It is very important for every human being to forgive herself
or himself because if you live,
you will make mistakes . . .
But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive
yourself and say,
‘well, if I’d known better I’d have done better,’ that’s all.
—Maya Angelou