to read the first four chapters of the book as Adobe

(a book for men – and the women who
want to know what they’re up to)
Daniel Rosen and Cris Clobber
Contact:
Rick Marcelli and Ken Kragen
Kragen and Company
(310) 854-4400
© 2003 Daniel Rosen and Cris Clobber - cybercasanova.com - All Rights Reserved.
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This book is not suitable for minors. It is for adults seeking other adults. If you are
a minor, drop this book right now, and go to YOUR section of the bookstore.
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Daniel would like to dedicate this book to all the flight attendants, actresses,
executives, lawyers, waitresses, strippers, nurses…and the very famous porn
star that he met online.
Cris would like to dedicate this book to “all the lonely people,” and to Daniel, for
showing him the way.
– Daniel Rosen and Cris Clobber
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Cyber Casanova (sī 'bər - kăs'ə-nō'və)
1. Adjective: Successful rogue male – amorously dedicated to “picking up”
women on the internet. 2. Noun: A helpful guide book to online dating for
men, and for women who want to know what they are up to.
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CONTENTS
FORWARD
Chapter 1
BE GENTLE I’M A WEB VIRGIN – IT WILL HURT A BIT,
BUT YOU’LL LEARN TO LOVE IT
(Advice to the Newbie)
Chapter 2
SERVICE WITH A SMILE
(Choosing the Right Dating Service)
Chapter 3
YOUR (NOT SO PERSONAL) PERSONAL AD
(Create the Perfect Profile Page and Get Results)
Chapter 4
WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
(Choosing the Right Photo to Post on the Web)
Chapter 5
THE HUNT FOR MISS OCTOBER
(The Do’s and Don’ts of Looking for Miss or Mr. Right)
Chapter 6
EMAIL THE FEMALE
(How to Write the Perfect Opening Letter)
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Chapter 7
REELING ‘EM IN
(Negotiating and Setting Up a Meeting)
Chapter 8
THE FIRST MEETING
(Standard Dating Tips for One on One)
Chapter 09
EXIT STAGE LEFT – HOW TO GET OUT WITH NO ONE HURT
(Physically or Emotionally)
Chapter 10
BOOKING A RETURN ENGAGEMENT
(Maintaining a Virtual Relationship in the Real World)
Chapter 11
BINARY CURIOUS
(Online Dating Sites for Gay and Alternative Lifestyle)
Chapter 12
CYBER CASANOVA SUCCESS STORIES
(Actual Stories of Real Cyber Casanovas who’ve Met and Married Online)
Chapter 13
SAFETY FIRST, POONANIE SECOND
(Important Tips for Safe Dating)
GLOSSARY OF WEB ACRONYMS
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
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FORWARD
This book is a labor of love – and comedy.
After spending countless hours trolling the world-wide web and rummaging
through endless meeting sites, we thought “why does this have to be so difficult
and boring? There must be a better way to meet people online!” Now, thanks to
us, there is.
The challenge of online dating is equally painful as any dating scenario – making
it ripe for satire. With our help, you will not only score, but you will also have
plenty of laughs along the way.
It has been said that good authors write what they know. We are two lonely guys
who hate complicated manuals and have spent innumerable years looking for
women on the internet. This qualifies us as experts.
From start to finish, this book is designed for ease of use and clarity. Simply
follow the chapters in order and we will bring out the “Cyber Casanova” in you.
– Daniel Rosen and Cris Clobber
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There is someone out there for everyone
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10
BE GENTLE I’M A WEB VIRGIN –
IT WILL HURT A BIT,
BUT YOU’LL LEARN TO LOVE IT
(Advice to the Newbie)
Chapter 1
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We know it can be difficult to break your cyber hymen and thrust yourself
into the unknown world of meeting people online
Don’t panic. Simply chant this mantra out loud; “Of the over 8 million computer
daters out there, I can’t be the worst one!” The task is daunting, but you’ll have
this book as your guide, with our patented “learn from our mistakes approach,”
which will make an otherwise depressing process interesting, entertaining…and
successful.
Let’s start by addressing the most common concerns about making your first
cyberspace love connection.
Me…a Cyber Casanova? Yes, you!
Being a Cyber Casanova does not mean that you are a “love ’em and leave ‘em”
guy or a hopeless romantic. It simply means that you wish to meet others on the
World Wide Web with some degree of success. It’s just a catchy title for a damn
handy book, so relax your politically correct sphincters and loosen up. You’ll live
longer. Other titles we considered were “Shopping the Virtual Meat Market,”
”Lookin’ for Love in all the Web Places,” and “Don’t sell yourself on EBay.”
Is it difficult? Naw, chill out dude
You don’t have to be an alpha male “compu-geek” to meet someone online. The
web sites are “user friendly” to find women who are also “user friendly.” With a
simple point and click, anyone who uses the web can easily meet that special
someone for a lasting relationship. Or, if you like, you can point and click your
way in and out of relationships with the frequency of a cheap ham radio. The
choice is yours. Once you learn the basics, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel – and
in our case, fish with really big tits.
Is it safe? Of course, if you use common sense (see chapter 13)
Meeting people online insures as much (or as little) anonymity as you choose to
disclose and it’s statistically safer than air travel (with far less turbulence). All
forms of dating have their inherent risks, but the nice part about online dating is
your ability to gather information prior to a meeting. “Random chance”
encounters can be more likely to fail because you are often meeting a complete
stranger with much less information than even a web profile provides.
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Do people on the web lie about who and what they are?
Of course they do! We here at Cyber Casanova argue that people may lie
throughout any dating process. Whether you meet at a bar, a brothel, a church
function, a herpes support/AA encounter, a monster truck show, a funeral for a
dead transvestite, in a prison shower or on the internet, people lie. People lie
their asses off while dating, and we say this with all due respect – even women
do it. A wise man once said; “You don’t really know who you’re dating ‘til after the
6th month.” And he said that long before the internet existed.
Why be a Cyber Casanova?
•
The thought of meeting someone in person makes you incontinent.
•
Meeting new people makes you freeze up like President Bush during a
three part question.
•
Anything’s better that watching reality television.
•
You can reject women using the same satellite technology our
government uses to “nuke” enemies from space.
•
You fear rejection, but don’t mind rejection by email.
•
A Cyber Casanova has a greater success rate than your garden variety
Casanovas.
•
You can meet hundreds of women without even putting your pants
on…ever!
•
If you go to a bar, you’ll find obnoxious drunks, but if you go on the web
they’re just bad spellers.
•
A skilled Cyber Casanova can date a different girl every night, and can get
laid just as easily as ordering up a pizza.
•
Greater selection than the frozen meat section.
•
You can choose just the right words even if you’re typing with one hand.
•
You can put your best foot forward without a woman asking you what your
shoe size is.
•
Computer viruses don’t make it hurt when you pee!
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Now, let’s get fishin’!
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SERVICE WITH A SMILE
(Choosing the Right Dating Service)
Chapter 2
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Choosing the right online dating service is as important as choosing the
right condom; if it’s not right for you, it can be uncomfortable and
expensive down the road
In this chapter, we will deal with legitimate dating services for the average dater.
In chapter eleven, “Binary Curious,” we will cover services for the Cyber
Casanova with the more eclectic needs.
When most people think of dating services, they think of those cheesy video
dating commercials where a homely girl or a geeky guy nervously talk about
themselves into a camera. Not only are these uncomfortable to watch, but they
are also quite expensive. As a Cyber Casanova, with the click of a mouse you
can easily be your own matchmaker – and you don’t even have to be Jewish.
You’ll be able to choose from thousands of prospective honeys, from the crème
de la crème, to the scum of the earth.
It all comes down to what you’re seeking and your budget. There are plenty of
services that are free; however, our best successes for hyperlink-hookup have
been through sites that charge a nominal fee. This fee tends to weed out much of
the riff-raff (with fewer trips to the clinic for penicillin).
We’ve based our choices on ease of use, selection, and our own personal
success. These are subscription sites that cost less than $25 a month. Nearly all
of them offer a free trial period (to separate the sirens from the sea-hags, the
sultry from the skanks, the gorgeous from the guttersnipes – you get the idea).
Our top “pay site” choices are:
www.Match.com Match.com – This one is the most successful (and our
favorite). They boast a pool of over eight million subscribers – and some of them
are even attractive!
www.LoveAtAol.com Love at AOL – Same search engine as Match.com, but
more “AOL friendly” for those of you who are afraid to actually click outside your
AOL world (AOL Keyword: LOVE).
www.matchmaker.com Matchmaker – Number two with a bullet. Didn’t make
number one, due to slight cheese factor. However, one of our closest friends
met his last girlfriend (a very nice ex-stripper) on Matchmaker. She stayed for two
arduous years and eventually left with the dog. Boy, does he miss that dog! Also,
Daniel’s brother met his lovely wife there, and she’s wonderful.
www.YahooPersonals.com Yahoo Personals – Not quite as user-friendly, and
seems to have a lot of applicants from overseas. One of the best features on this
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site is the ability to “chat” via “Yahoo chat.” If you’re lucky you might even get a
nice web cam lap dance in exchange for a green card.
www.dating.com Dating.com – Visually, a very nice clone of Match.com…except
for the fact that the pictures are too small and there isn’t much of a selection. If
you have a huge monitor or a magnifying glass, this site will work fine.
www.jdate.com JDate – Primarily for Jewish daters…but fear not, they also
have a “yenta” section (A.K.A. Boy meets Goy). This is a great site if you have a
yarmulke fetish, like your men circumcised, or prefer gefilte fish (instead of tuna).
www.lavalife.com Lavalife – Well designed, easy to use, and has regular dating
combined with options for good old-fashioned “sport-porking.”
www.FriendFinder.com Friend Finder – As it’s name would imply, is a site for
women seeking sensitive, caring men who are looking for friends and
companions. So naturally we don’t spend a lot of time at this site. The same
company hosts ChurchFriendFinder.com where you can meet people of your
own faith. Ironically, they also host AdultFriendFinder.com, where you can find a
significant hump-buddy for your own private “Religious experience.”
www.2ofaKindOnline.com 2 of a Kind – "61% of singles will look for a date on
the internet this year. Most will go to sites like 2ofakind.com" – NY Times. This is
a better review than 61% of new musicals will get in the New York Times.
www.advanceddegreessingles.com Advanced Degree Singles – A meat market
for mega-brains with a master’s degree (or higher). This is a site for highly
educated professionals who prefer to only date other highly educated
professionals and Mensa candidates. Naturally, we passed the oral test but failed
the written.
www.matchamerica.com Match America – More of the same, bla bla bla, yada
yada yada.
www.heart2heart.com Heart 2 Heart – This site is very pretty. Some would say
too pretty. When we first looked at it, we thought it resembled a children’s Holly
Hobby notebook. Like a dildo; visually nauseating, but effective.
www.astromate.com Astro Mate – The only service that uses astrology to find
your match made in Heaven. We were happy to find out that “Astro” was not
referring to the dog on “The Jetsons” cartoon. Here at Cyber Casanova, we don’t
necessarily believe in Astrology, but we do believe in “Astroglide.”
www.militarysingles.com Military Singles – A dating site for single soldiers (male
and female). We suggest this site for men seeking military women, but be
cautious, cyber soldier – many of these women are the size of “an army of one.”
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www.bbwdatefinder.com BBW Date Finder – A meeting place for big beautiful
women and their admirers. Cris insisted that we include this site because he’s a
fan of the “reach-around challenged.”
www.ruralsingles.com Rural Singles – A rustic web site for cowpokes seeking
farmer’s daughters who poke like cows.
www.unionworkerssingles.com Union Workers Singles – If you’re a SWM
seeking a SWF for LTR in the AFLCIO, this site is for you.
www.latinmatcher.com Latin Matcher – This zesty site proves that you don’t
have to be Enrique Iglesias to appreciate horizontal Lambada.
www.hiphopmatchmaker.com Hip-hop Matchmaker – Yo, yo! Listen up all you
web playas, seeking fresh binary bootie. Cyber Casanova is in da house!
www.countrymatch.com Country Match – We here at Cyber Casanova believe
that there is nothing sexier than a man (or a woman) with a Camel toe and a
mullet – Yee haw!
www.SeniorFriendFinder.com Senior Friend Finder – Cyber Casanovas and
Web Vixens come in all ages. At Senior Friend Finder, you'll find a community of
singles, over 50 years old and above. You’ll find tools to make connections, find
romance, dates, friends and pen pals. Of course there is no guarantee they will
ever remember you.
Alright you cheap bastards, here are some free dating sites for the frugal,
budget-minded, low-rent guys who usually pay for dinner with a coupon.
Some of our favorite free sites are:
www.dreammates.com Dream Mates – You get what you pay for.
www.matchdoctor.com Match Doctor – You get what you pay for.
www.eharmony.com E Harmony – Did we mention that you get what you pay
for?
We don’t like using chat rooms, but for those of you who do…
What we are trying to do here is to get you out of the house, away from the
computer and eventually dating. Sure, we’ve heard stories of people who have
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hooked-up using chat rooms, but they are rare. We’ve also heard stories of
extreme web-cam group sex in adult chat rooms. If that’s what you’re into, see
chapter 11. However, we believe you will waste less time and have better
success by using the services that we have listed above.
We have noticed that most news stories involving web improprieties have
involved “web chat.” Many of these people have been caught in “sting”
operations while trying to hook up with minors. Should you enter a chat room, be
aware that you will often be “chatting” with minors who are pretending to be
adults.
Paying for a service as we suggest lessens your chances of being duped by a
child. Let’s face it, how many kids are willing to give up their lunch money to date
out of their league. It’s better to be a Cyber Casanova than a Cell block
Casanova (and less painful).
If you must sit around all day, in front of a computer, with your eyes going bad
from staring at your screen, fine.
The most popular chat services are:
AOL (AOL Keyword: Chat)
Yahoo chat – http://chat.yahoo.com
For a more complete list of pay and non-pay dating sites, please visit our web
site at www.CyberCasanova.com.
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20
YOUR (NOT SO PERSONAL) PERSONAL
(Create the Perfect Profile Page
and Get Results)
Chapter 3
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This is the most important part of online dating; Setting up your profile
Your success as a Cyber Casanova depends upon this often painful task. Like
any job resume, your personal profile represents you and enables you to fill the
position – and trust us, there are many positions to fill (see Kama Sutra). Unlike a
job resume, where you have a full page to sell yourself, you will generally have
one paragraph to describe yourself and a separate paragraph to describe what
you seek.
Before you get too nervous about this paramount undertaking…remember
that you can always go back and change your bio/profile
We strongly suggest that you change and update your information weekly. Why
change so often? The more you work on your profile, the better it will get. Also,
updated profiles tend to show up at the top of the search results (tricky tricky!).
Your prime objective is to stand out, get noticed and start a dialogue with
your next Cyber Vixen
General rules for writing a winning Bio/Profile are:
•
Pick a good username that is cute or clever – not something boring like
John123 (not to be confused with the Bible passage). Use a name that
they will respond to (and inspire correspondence). Names to avoid are
“BiPolarBob,” “NewCarSmell,” “CamelToeMullet,” “DutchOven,” and
“NeverConvicted.”
•
Have an eye catching and/or interesting headline for your profile.
Headlines to avoid are “Pull my finger!”, “All you can eat!” and
“Emotional Succubus”.
•
Keep it short and simple. Don’t go on and on about yourself. Leave
something to talk about on your date.
•
Be honest about yourself – but not brutally honest.
•
Be confident, not cocky.
•
Be interesting, different, creative and funny…even if you are not.
•
Be friendly.
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•
Be positive about yourself and others. Don’t use this as a forum to
voice your complaints about the opposite sex and your own
insecurities.
•
Know your competition. Check out other Cyber Casanovas and see
what they have to exploit (and what to avoid).
•
Read over your profile for errors. Use a spell checker.
•
Update your information regularly using our guidelines – wash, rinse,
and repeat – wash, rinse, and repeat.
Information you might consider putting into your profile:
•
What makes you tick (assuming you tick)?
•
What are your hobbies (preferably legal ones)?
•
What is your profession (optional)?
•
How do you spend your spare time (if you have spare time)?
•
Favorite authors, films, plays, music (preferably non-adult)?
•
If you could travel any where, where would you go and why?
•
Where are you from (be more specific than saying “planet earth”)?
•
Do you have any pets (don’t list pet peeves)?
•
Do you dance (if you don’t, best not to mention it)?
•
What are you looking for (be general, not too specific)?
•
Show off your positive qualities (keep looking, you’ll find them).
•
What do you want in a relationship (not sexually – we know what
you’re thinking)?
Rather than simply listing these items, we suggest that you make your
profile fun to read
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Remember what we have been telling you. Be interesting, creative and
stand out from your fellow Cyber Casanovas
We will show you a couple of examples of profiles; the right way and the wrong
way to write a personal. The successful Cyber Casanova is honest about himself
and creative. Please do not simply duplicate verbatim the personals below –
especially the second one.
Here is a good example of a successful Cyber Casanova profile:
Handle:
“Mambo_King”
Headline:
“Come Dance with me”
Bio:
“I’m a genuine guy, the tall dark and handsome type (in my humble
opinion), I‘m athletic and have a good sense of style. I give GREAT
massages! I've always tried to get into a diverse range of things – I
am an actor, and I write and perform comedy, I've taught salsa
classes. Music & dance are very important in my life. Currently, I'm
employed as stand up comic headliner, and I love what I do. Even
though I work very hard, I always make time for people who are
important in my life. I foresee a massage therapist degree in my
future, but I need someone to practice on...any suggestions?
Seeking:
“I'm looking for anyone that likes to have fun. You gotta love
dancing! I like honesty and confidence in a companion. I love
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laughing, I love making a woman laugh even more: I’m very
affectionate, and I’m looking for the same. Most of all I appreciate
women with intelligence & a sense of humor.”
Let’s talk about this profile
First of all, this guy seems clever, conversational and positive. He has talked
about himself with out sounding needy or egocentric. He seems to understand
what “Cosmo” has been telling us for years – women are looking for men who
dance, have a sense of humor and a steady job. Our “Cyber Fred Astaire” has
also planned ahead for his date giving the two of them something to talk about
when they meet (i.e. comedy, dance, music, etc.). Best of all, if the date is going
well, she is going to ask for a massage – and you know where that leads.
Now, here is an example of what not to do. In other words, this one sucks
out loud!
Handle:
“Born2Bitchslap”
Headline:
“You never had it so good.”
About me:
”If my picture didn't do enough for you you're a dike like my ex. You
can't believe everything you read in a restraining order. That fat
cow liked playing a lot of games. Even though I'm not divorced yet,
I think the fact that my wife makes me fly of the handle is close
25
enough. She says I have a pattern of “systematic abuse” but she's
wrong – I've never had a system. I enjoy watching the sports
channel so much, I sometimes forget to wash myself for days. My
hobbies are strip clubs, passing gas at both ends, collecting my toe
nails, slapping mom, and porn.”
Seeking:
“I hate it when chicks tell me what I can and cannot do when we're
“bumping uglies”. Condoms are for people who don't already have
sores. I want someone who tikes being contradicted and corrected
when she talks, I hate this stupid dating thing so much. I can't
believe I'm crying while I write this – God, I miss her. Who would
ever want to be with me any way?”
Yes, the last example was an exaggeration, but you’ll be surprised when
you look at other guys profiles; many of them are just as bad
Once again; be interesting, be creative and stand out from your
competition!
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WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
(Choosing the Right Photos
to Post on the Web)
Chapter 4
27
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You can not be a successful Cyber Casanova without a photo
We cannot over stress the importance of posting the right photos to accompany
your personal profile. Whether they admit it or not, women do care what you look
like. Although they say “it’s what’s inside that matters,” women still line up to
catch a glimpse of Brad Pitt. Unfortunately, the rest of us don’t look like Brad Pitt
– and in the morning, neither does Brad.
Here are some guidelines on choosing the appropriate photos that will
bring out the successful Cyber Casanova in you:
•
Choose clear and recent photos of yourself. Don’t use photos that are
several years (or several pounds) from your present state. You won’t be
able to explain away an inaccurate photo, and you will be starting your first
encounter with disappointment…possibly disgust.
•
Use photos that show you in a good mood. Teeth are best – show ‘em if
you got ‘em.
•
Black and white photos tend to be more flattering and will also give you a
classy feel (and we all want to be felt in a classy way).
•
Make sure that at least one photo is large enough to see your face. There
is nothing more annoying than a picture the size of a postage stamp (that
no one wants to lick).
•
Avoid red-eye photos that make you look like a crazed albino on crack.
•
Avoid glary photos with the sun at your back – unless the sun rises and
sets from your ass.
•
Take a picture outside. Natural light is often flattering and makes you
appear active – even if you’re a couch potato with a glandular problem.
•
Don't choose a picture with other people in it – especially if they are better
looking than you…and they probably are.
•
No porn – unless that’s what you’re looking for. Keep your shirt on, or you
will look like a regular on the TV show “Cops.”
•
Don’t send a photo of someone else, claiming that it’s you. Otherwise,
sooner or later you will get “busted” (like we did, when we used pictures of
the Baldwin Brothers). Trust us and learn from our mistakes.
29
•
Don’t send pictures of your kids – unless you want to attract Michael
Jackson. It’s creepy. Enough said.
•
No masks, unless you are Michael Jackson.
•
Do not use wedding photos or shots of you in your past relationships.
Don’t even use a photo with a plutonic “friend” in it.
•
Don’t use photos showing you naked and having sex. Instead, send them
to us at PatheticVoyeur@CyberCasanova.com.
A Successful Cyber Casanova never goes fishing without bait
Once you have uploaded your profile and photo, many of the services require
that you wait a couple of days for them to be “approved.” Don’t write any
prospective matches until your profile is visible. Telling a woman that your profile
and photo are “on the way” is as believable as saying “the check’s in the mail.”
Be patient. You’ve been lonely this long, a couple more days won’t matter
We hope you enjoyed this short preview. For more information about the
Cyber Casanova family of books, please visit us at:
www.cybercasanova.com
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