widowedpathfinder.com | July 2014 | PATHFINDER | 1

Transcription

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Just as no two people are alike, we recognize that no two marriages are alike.
The only thing that binds us together is that we have all lost a spouse. We are
otherwise a true cross section of America. We come from all backgrounds,
and have unique dreams for our futures. By listening to each other, we find bits
of inspiration to become creative as we forge our own new path.
Pathfinder Magazine provides opportunities to learn from each other, to
enable one another, and to share our experiences.
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I
Letter from the Editor
consider marriage to be Act I of our lives. This marriage, which began with vows to “love
until death do us part”, was the core of our life. It gave structure to our home, to our family, and to our relationships in the community. When a spouse dies, the very foundation
upon which we built our lives is shaken.
The ensuing time is one of intermission. This is a dark time, filled with a wide range of
emotions. It may be shock when the death was unexpected. For others, after a prolonged illness, there may be some relief. For some, there might be anger, or guilt, or disappointment
that dreams went unfulfilled. There may be anxiety about how to function independently. For
most, there’s sadness. There is sadness that hopes and dreams won’t come true, and there is
sadness for what has been lost. Each person grieves in a unique way, based on the quality
and style of the relationship with their spouse, and based on their personality and culture. For
those who are grieving, there are support groups available in local communities.
But there comes a time in the grieving process, the “intermission”, when we perceive a
light flickering in the darkness. We start to perceive a spring in our step again, and our energy
level starts to return to normal. When you see that light flicker, you know it’s time to go back
in for Act II. The problem is, we never planned for an Act II. In other aspects of our lives, such
as parenting or career choice, we had years of joyful planning and the mentorship of so many.
But there has been no joyful anticipation for this stage of life. We’ve done little to prepare
ourselves for this major life change. In many ways, the loneliness of this stage compounds
the problems. But you are not alone. There are 5 million Americans widowed every year. This
magazine will be a way to connect with each other and to learn together how to live well despite disappointment.
This magazine is about Act II. Act II honors and remembers the marriage, and many
themes will continue. Each issue will spotlight a widow or widower who has in some way
honored the memory of his or her late spouse. But Act II will also help readers explore the
question of, “What next?” Each issue will highlight a person who has gone on to live a meaningful and joyful life after being widowed. Other regular features will address finances, family
matters, nutrition. There will be articles on safety, housing, how to work with an appraiser/
auctioneer, practical concerns, book reviews, travel, return to work, friendship, emotional well
being, health, and spirituality. There will be articles on decisions concerning return to dating.
I invite your feedback, and your suggestions for topics. Please introduce me to someone
you think is living well, so that he or she may be the subject of an article.
I look forward to journeying with you,
Dr. Joanne Z. Moore,
Publisher
3 Letter from the Editor
16 Ask Jane...
Family Matters
By Jane Milardo, LMFT
18 Health & Wellness
A Long Path To Fitness
By Dr. Joanne Z. Moore
8
22 Finance
Why You Need An Advisor
Who Will Listen To You
By Matthew A. Somberg
8 In His Honor
12 Widow/ers From History
Illustrator Norman Rockwell Finds
Poetry – And A New Reason To Live
By Lisa Saunders
24 Featured Widow
Liliane Allegretti Embraces Life After
Loss
By Patricia Ann Chaffee
12
4 | PATHFINDER | July 2014 | widowedpathfinder.com
24
28 Spiritual Direction
Spiritual Direction Can
Offer Guidance In The Storm
30 Home
Nelson Clayton On Your
Household Treasures –
Thoughts On Personal
Property Appraisals
35 Expressive Arts
The Healing Power Of
Expressive Arts
39 Poetry
For Lindsay
By David Smith
40 Books & Movies
Author Spotlight: Mary
O’Connor Writes About The
Sweet Spots
44 Nutrition
Recipe Ideas For Meals You
Might Deliver To A Friend
Who Is Sick
By Rosemary Collins, RDN
ADVERTISING
Elaine Burns
eburns@widowedpathfinder.com
We welcome readers to submit questions
to Matt Somberg, msomberg@
widowedpathfinder.com (finance) and to Jane
Milardo, jmilardo@widowedpathfinder.com
(family issues and mental health). We also
welcome your poetry and photography (Patricia
Ann Chaffee, pchaffee@widowedpathfinder.
com) for possible publication. If you know
someone who would be an inspiration for our
Featured Widow/er article, or for our In His/
Her Honor sections, please give us (Joanne
Moore, jmoore@widowedpathfinder.com) a
brief story, and contact information.
All content including but not limited to text, photos, graphics are the sole property and copyright of Act II Publications. Reproduction without permission from publisher
is prohibited. We take no responsibility for images or
content provided by our advertisers.
Pathfinder: A Companion Guide for the Widow/er’s Journey is the property of Act II Publications, P.O Box 752,
East Lyme, CT 06333. Pathfinder: A Companion Guide
for the Widow/er’s Journey contains articles on many
topics. Any information provided by Pathfinder, or any of
its contributing authors, is general information only and
should not be substituted for the advice of legal, financial,
medical or other relevant professionals. You should never
delay seeking professional advice or disregard professional advice because of information on this website. The
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II PUBLICATIONS, L.L.C. and its officers, employees,
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Pathfinder Staff
PUBLISHER & FOUNDER
Dr. Joanne Z. Moore, PT, DHSc, OCS
jmoore@widowedpathfinder.com
Dr. Joanne Z. Moore is a
physical therapist who was
widowed in 2009 at the age
of 57. Her professional experience has taught her to value
life at every stage, despite
tragedy. She has observed
people learning to adapt to
a new paradigm of life after serious injury and degenerative diseases. She has
learned that the people who are happiest are the people who can find the good in new situations. She drew
upon this experience to develop a philosophy of life
to guide this stage. She tries to live intentionally. She
honors his memory by managing 260 acres of forestland that he intended to help with his grandchildren’s
mortgages.
She also is developing her own interests. During
the “family stage”, she sewed many costumes for her
children’s drama productions, but never was on stage
herself. Now, she is a member of Laughworks, an improvisational group, where she finds laughter to be
healing. She is also a member of Toastmasters International and has achieved the Distinguished Toastmaster
level. She enjoys public speaking on end of life and
survivor issues, and she has facilitated workshops on
these topics. She is the author of soon-to-published,
Common Sense for the Widow/er: Strategies for Living a Joyful and Meaningful Life after Loss.
She is the publisher of this magazine, Pathfinder:
A Companion Guide for the Widow/er’s Journey and
is enjoying this opportunity to interview many widow/ers who have learned to live well after loss. Each
person brings a unique philosophy to this chapter of
life. She has been inspired by the creativity of artists,
politicians, teachers, and by historical figures. She is
excited about sharing their stories so that others might
find the courage to explore their possibilities.
MANAGING EDITOR
Daniel Webster
dwebster@widowedpathfinder.com
WRITERS
Patricia Ann Chaffee
pchaffee@widowedpathfinder.com
Patricia Ann Chaffee is
a poet, photographer, freelance writer and former
journalist. She facilitates
Creating a Writing Life programs for emerging writers
and designs workshops and
retreats to nourish the soul,
awaken the muse and celebrate the creative life. To learn more, visit www.PatriciaAnnChaffee.com.
Rosemary Collins, RDN
rcollins@widowedpathfinder.com
Rosemary Collins is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist with the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics since 2009. She works freelance and offers nutritional counseling to clients looking to improve both
their health and fitness with easy and practical dietary
changes. Before moving to the USA she worked in the
UK, so you may notice that some of her recipes have
a British influence!
Jane Milardo, LMFT
jmilardo@widowedpathfinder.com
Jane Milardo, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and
Family Therapist who has been practicing for 24 years
in a variety of treatment settings including inpatient
and outpatient psychiatric, day treatment, residential
treatment, and substance abuse rehabilitation. Most of
her work is dual diagnosis, that is, she treats both psy-
chiatric and substance problems in the same individual.
She is currently the owner of
Synergy Counseling Center,
LLC, in Niantic, CT, where
she sees adult individuals
and couples. Her specialties
include addictions, attention deficit disorder, womens
empowerment, depression and anxiety, posttraumatic
stress disorder, trauma issues, phase of life problems
(such as midlife issues, widowhood and divorce).
She has identified and treated many adults with previously undiagnosed attention deficit disorder. Many
of her clients don’t have mental health problems, but
struggle with life issues including marital problems,
adjustment to divorce, remarriage and step-families,
single parenting, grief and loss, and poor communication skills in a relationship.
She especially enjoys working with those who
are ready to recover from abuse of substances, and is
highly motivated to help them if they are willing. She
also loves to help couples learn to communicate in a
healthy way, and family members learn to understand
one another. She loves helping women who are insecure in who they are learn to stand up for themselves
and get what they want out of life, and to assist anyone in personal growth.
Jane is also an artist and an author, having published her first book, The Path to Real and Lasting Inner Peace in 2012. Her book is intended for those who
are tired of carrying emotional burdens and want to let
go and find real inner peace, and it received a five-star
review from ForeWord Clarion Reviews. It is available in paperback from the publisher at https://www.
createspace.com/title/3801758, and also on Amazon.
com and on Kindle.
Jane grew up in Durham, CT, and was received
her B.A. at Hobart and William Smith Colleges in
Geneva, NY, and her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy at Southern CT State University in New
Haven, CT. She was a single parent for over 20 years.
She resides in Niantic, CT, and she and her husband
(as a step-family) have four children, two wonderful
sons-in-law, and five grandsons altogether. Jane is a
person of faith, and is open to all belief systems. She
likes to garden, draw, paint, meditate, walk on the Ni-
antic boardwalk, and work out. Questions in regard
to life and family issues may be submitted to Jane at
Pathfinder Magazine, and she will make every attempt
to respond to as many as possible in her column, Ask
Jane.
Matthew Somberg, AIF®, CLTC®
msomberg@widowedpathfinder.com
Matthew A. Somberg, AIF®, CLTC® is Principal and
Founder of Gottfried & Somberg Wealth Management, LLC. He oversees over $225million dollars of
total client assets and maintains offices at 340 Hebron
Avenue, Glastonbury, CT and 15 Chesterfield Road,
East Lyme, CT. Email Matthew at somberg@gottfriedsomberg.com or visit him at www.gottfriedsomberg.com. Securities and advisory services offered
through Commonwealth Financial Network, member
FINRA/SIPC, a registered investment adviser. This
communication is strictly intended for individuals residing in the states of CA, CO, CT, FL, MA, MD, ME,
MI, NC, NH, NJ, NM, NY, OH, RI, SC, TX, VA, VI,
and WA. No offers may be made or accepted from
any resident outside these states due to various state
regulations and registration requirements regarding
investment products and services.
Lisa Saunders
lsaunders@widowedpathfinder.com
Lisa Saunders is an
award-winning writer and
TV host living in Mystic,
Connecticut, with her husband and hound. A graduate
of Cornell University, she is
author of several books and
winner of the National Council for Marketing & Public
Relations Gold Medallion. She works as a part-time
history interpreter at Mystic Seaport, is an instructor
at New London Adult and Continuing Education, and
writes for several clients. As the parent representative
of the Congenital CMV Foundation and member of
the Daughters of the American Revolution, she has
spoken on a variety of topics at venues including Cornell University, West Point Museum, The Washington
Independent Writers Association, and USA 9 News.
Visit Lisa at www.authorlisasaunders.com.
A
wonderful way to prolong
the influence of our late
spouse’ life is to carry on with
his or her unfinished work. Some people do this in grand scale. It’s common
for a senator’s wife to be elected to fill
his position, and even heads of state
transfer power that way. Most of us
don’t have such public positions, but
can still act along that line. We simply
need to understand his or her passion,
and get involved on some level.
My late husband, Joe, came from
a farm family in North Carolina. Over
the years, the family farm changed
In His Honor...
hands, and he did not own any part
of it. But his childhood memories of
summers on the farm shaped his ideas
of how life should be. There, he had
time with his aunts and uncles, and
many cousins. He worked hard, stringing tobacco. He’d also play baseball,
and enjoy garden grown food.
Whenever we would go out for
a hike, he’d rue that his only regret
in life was that he didn’t own any
land. Before he became ill, we started taking trips to look for land. After
looking for3 years, it was about two
months before he died that we signed
the mortgage on 257 acres of young forest in of life. They are lifelong learners and are very
New England. The down payment came from good company. Then, of course, there are lots
an inheritance from his mother, who had died of books to read about trees. I rely heavily on
about ten years before. She had worked as a a forester, Willum von Loon, for advice. All I
nurse all her life, and lived very frugally. We felt really do is walk the land, looking for invasive
awkward spendplants and insects.
ing her money on
Our bit of foranything frivolous.
est is a good topic
She was a firm beof conversation for
liever in paying off
my sons. It’s a projyour mortgage as
ect we all enjoy.
quickly as possiI watch the trees
ble. So that mongrow, which they
ey had sat, waiting
do pretty much by
for a worthy cause.
themselves.
But
Joe’s intention
it is a joy to feel
for the land was
Joe’s spirit in those
that we’d cut for
woods, and I feel
lumber in a susgood that his detainable fashion
sires are being carevery 30 years, so
ried out. I also rethat each generaally like that my
tion of his descenmother’s-in-law
dants would have
influence is also
some help with
being honored. As
their mortgage. He
with any family
also liked the idea
project, I anticipate
of having land beproblems over the
cause it offered opfuture generations,
tions for lifestyle.
and I have work to
It might be that
do in developing a
someone will want
management structo live on the land Forester Willum von Loon with son, ture that will keep
someday. Perhaps Ned and granddaughter, Lucy.
the land as intend(Joanne
Moore)
someone will want
ed, or that it will be
to farm part of it.
sold without causI love the outdoors, and was quite happy ing conflict among our descendants.
with the purchase. Since his death, I’ve joined
There are lots of small, affordable things
groups that provide education about forestry that we all can do. You can make a photo aland have attended seminars. The fellow forest bum, or transfer those old films to DVD.
owners at these seminars come from all walks Sometimes, you can buy a brick at their high
school or a town memorial park with their
name engraved on it. You could adopt a child
through the Christian Children’s Fund, and
send monthly payments. Maybe you could donate books on a topic (s)he loved to the public library. Plant a tree. Give a scholarship at
her high school or college. Give his tools to a
young worker just starting out. Think of one
specific thing that you can do that would
carry on the work or the passion of your
late spouse.
It’s really nice to have a concrete task that
represents our respect for the memory. The fi-
niteness of the task allows us, when it’s done,
to feel a sense of completion. But even beyond
a tangible act, it might be our best tribute to
live in a way that would make him or her
proud of us. I know that in life, he was happiest when I was happy. So I try to find joy in
every day.
Do you know someone who has honored their late spouse in a certain way? We
would love to share their story. Contact us at
jmoore@widowedpathfinder.com.
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Widow/er of History
Illustrator Norman Rockwell
Finds Poetry — and a new reason to live
By Lisa Saunders
W
hen Normal Rockwell entered his any proof of an overdose—no missing medibedroom to alert his wife, Mary, to cation or suicide note. The mother of Rocka phone call, he knew immediate- well’s three sons had appeared to be feeling
ly something was wrong. She was lying ab- well and was looking forward to the arrival of
normally still on their bed. The 65-year–old their first grandchild. The amount of drugs in
painter lost his 51-year-old wife unexpectedly her system was never known as Rockwell did
that day. Earlier in that afternoon of August not want an autopsy done. Mary was Rock25, 1959, Mary had told her daughter-in-law well’s second wife. His first wife had left him
that she was going upstairs to take a nap.
for another man in 1930 after 14 years of marIt was said that the famous Saturday Eve- riage (there were no children). ning Post illustraRegardless
tor was unable to
of the cause of
discuss his loss—
Mary’s
death,
or his spouse. Alafter nearly 30
though her death
years of marriage,
certificate said she
Rockwell the widdied as a result of
ower
appeared
heart failure, some
ill and unfocused
speculated she had
when seen about
taken an overdose
Stockbridge, Masof her medication.
sachusetts, where
She had done so
he had moved six
at least twice beyears earlier from
fore and had been
Vermont. Rocksent to psychiatwell had moved
ric hospitals. But
to Stockbridge,
there was never
a small town set
Rockwell headstone (Lisa Saunders)
among to the Berkshire Mountains, to be closer to a leading psychiatric hospital, the Austen
Riggs Center, where Mary could receive treatment. Rockwell himself sought help there as
he, too, suffered from depression and a feeling
of inadequacy. Rockwell’s psychoanalyst, the
famous Erik Erikson, became worried enough
about the possibility
of Rockwell committing suicide that
he took away the
gun the artist kept
in his studio.
In response to
a condolence letter
Rockwell received
from a friend about
Mary’s
death,
Rockwell wrote,
“We all loved Mary
so much…” Within
a year of her passing, he donated
$1,000 to buy children’s books for the
Stockbridge Public Library. Mary
had been a school
teacher.
Rockwell himself never
graduated from a
traditional
high
school, having left
it early to study art.
A year after Mary’s
death,
Rockwell
began working on
The Golden Rule, a composite of 28 faces of
people from all walks of life and religions.
In the top right corner, he painted the face of
his Mary holding their grandson, born a few
months after her death.
Erikson, Rockwell’s psychoanalyst, in-
sisted the artist get out of the house and get
among people by joining a group. In October
of 1960, he took a Monday night poetry class
at a nearby library. While disrupting the class
by voicing his amusement at the seriousness
of the students when discussing the intention
of famous poets, and his nonstop pipe smoking, he was falling in
love. The object of
his desire was his
instructor, the never-before-married
64-year-old English teacher, Mary
(Molly) Punderson.
Upon her recent retirement form the
Milton Academy,
a prestigious prep
school in Massachusetts, Molly
returned to Stockbridge, where her
father had managed
the Red Lion Inn
for six decades.
Like his late
wife Mary, Molly
loved
literature.
Apparently, Rockwell admired women who could quote
passages of it. For
their first date,
Rockwell
asked
her to join him at a
play that just opened
in nearby Pittsfield. As far as anyone knew,
Rockwell was Molly’s first male suitor.
Two years after Mary’s death, at St. Paul’s
Episcopal Church, where Mary’s funeral was
held, Rockwell married Molly on October 25,
1961. When people commented to Molly that
she married late in life, she replied, “Norman
was worth waiting 62 years for” (for some
reason, she took three years off her age). The
couple went to the Plaza Hotel in Manhattan,
New York, to begin their honeymoon – and the
next chapter of their lives, one that would last
17 years.
Without children and grandchildren of her
own to distract her, Molly set about taking
over Rockwell’s care—especially his sched-
enjoyed watching the musicians perform.
Molly was willing to play the role of “bad
guy” in the couple’s personal life by insisting
his friends and family limit unscheduled interruptions so Rockwell could paint—which
he did seven days a week in his studio. Molly
insisted his daily schedule include a nap and
their 4.7-mile bike ride together throughout
Stockbridge. In the evenings, they relaxed in
the gazebo they built in a private area of their
ule and finances, which freed him to concentrate, paint, and meet his commissions on a
timelier basis. Molly’s wise handling of their
money helped them afford several major trips
a year, which helped him find the rest and refreshment he needed to face his next assignments. Although Rockwell wasn’t one to sit
around discussing literature with Molly, he
did accompany her to classical concerts as he
yard—away from the prying eyes of fans and
friends who strolled by. In their gazebo, Norman enjoyed a hot toddy and Molly, a gin and
tonic. She dressed every day for Norman as if
they were going out to dinner.
With Molly as Rockwell’s body model,
Rockwell wrote and illustrated his only book
specifically for children – Willie Was Different: A Children’s Story. Originally written in
1967, it was about a wood thrush name Willie who was painfully different from the other
wood thrushes because he wanted to create his
own tunes. Willie could only find peace away
from his father’s disappointment by going off
to live in the woods by himself. One day, his
life changed forever when he heard a flute being played at an open window by the elderly,
spinster-looking town librarian. Filled with joy
at her playing, he sang along with her, making up his own variations. The librarian, having never been accompanied by a bird before,
was enchanted by Willie so they played duets
together. News of Willie’s genius reached bird
experts who insisted he be brought to the city
where he could be celebrated by all. Though
worried he would be unhappy, the librarian
agreed and took him there by train. But Willie
didn’t like his bustling new home – he was unable to eat, sleep or sing anymore.
Many believe Rockwell’s children’s story is autobiographical—everything from the
sketch of the skinny wood thrush to the elderly librarian whose name is Miss Polly (one
letter different from Molly). At the end of the
story about the gifted yet unhappy Willie in
the big city, Miss Polly puts her foot down and
brings Willie back to the quiet of their woods
so he can find rest. The story concludes with,
“Very softly, just for themselves, Willie and
Miss Polly, his true old friend, brought to life
the songs they had created together.”
When Norman became too frail for the
couple’s daily bike ride in his 80s, Molly took
him for daily car rides. Near the end of his
life, dementia gradually came to call and the
past resurfaced. At times, he would be heard
calling out for the long-gone mother of his
children: “Mary, Mary…” he would repeatedly say.
Except to attend her church activities on
Sunday, Molly kept her husband company in
his bedroom when he became too ill to leave
it. He died of emphysema at the age of 84 on
the evening of November 8, 1978. He was
buried in Stockbridge Cemetery beside Mary.
Molly, who died six years later in 1985, was
buried on his other side.
For a man celebrated for his ability to tell
us stories with his paintings—some nostalgic,
others with social impact—his simple headstone tells us very little. The front says merely
“Rockwell.” The back states:
NORMAN ROCKWELL
FEBRUARY 3, 1894 – NOVEMBER 8, 1978
HIS WIFE
MARY RHODES BARSTOW
NOVEMBER 26, 1907 – AUGUST 25, 1959
HIS WIFE
MARY PUNDERSON (MOLLY)
SEPTEMBER 15, 1896 – JULY 20 1985
________________________
BIBLIOGRAPHY
About Norman Rockwell. (n.d.). Retrieved
January 22, 2014, from Norman Rockwell
Musuem: www.nrm.org/about-2/about-norman-rockwell/
Claridge, L. (2001). Norman Rockwell. New
York: Random House.
Norman Rockwell. Biography. (n.d.). Retrieved January 22, 2014, from Bio. True
Story: www.biography.com/people/normanrockwell-37249
Rockwell, N. (1994). Willie Was Different:
A Children’s Story Hardcover. Stockbridge,
Massachusetts: Berkshire House Publishers.
Solomon, D. (2013). American Mirror: The
Life and Art of Normal Rockwell. New York:
Farrar, Strauss and Giroux.
Ask Jane...
Family Matters
W
hat is a family? If you ask yourself that question, what do you
picture? Once upon a time, a family was a mother and father, son and daughter.
There may have been a dog and a cat, and they
all lived in a house with a white picket fence.
That may be the fairy tale stereotype, but it is
far from the whole picture of American families.
Today’s family smashes every stereotype.
Today, ethnicities blend. There may or may
not be two parents, and they may be gay or
straight; it could be headed by a single parent,
male or female, by an aunt, uncle or grandparent, foster parents, or adoptive parents. The
family may have lost a child, or it could be
headed by someone who has been divorced or
widowed, especially since over half of American marriages end in divorce. Only 49% of
households today are headed by married couples. Not all families are biological. Sometimes a church group or other type of group
can function as a family, giving its members
support.
The truth of the matter is that there is no
real norm of what constitutes a family, if there
ever was. The one common factor is that they
are persons who have made a commitment to
By Jane Milardo, LMFT
care for each other emotionally and financially throughout life, as a unit. It is true that love
makes a family.
If you have been widowed or divorced,
have you found yourself thinking sadly, “If
only we were still a family”? Well, if you have
children, siblings, parents, or other committed and loving persons in your life, you ARE a
family. Families are not static units, always remaining the same over the years. Families are
fluid, always changing and evolving over time.
Children grow up, grandchildren are born, and
members pass away. People marry and sometimes divorce; others move away or go off to
college. In other words, the unit that constitutes the family is an ever-changing one, and
it is meant to be that way over the years. If we
are open to what our families now look like,
and don’t forever hold onto how they used to
be, we open ourselves up to the many wondrous possibilities that await us as we travel
down new pathways.
Questions in regard to life and family issues may be submitted to Jane at Pathfinder
Magazine at widowedpathfinder.com/contacts/questions-to-jane-milardo, and she will
make every attempt to respond to as many as
possible in her column, Ask Jane.
SUBSCRIBE TO
or call 860-448-5149.
CULTURAL EMOTIONAL ENVIRONMENTAL
INTELLECTUAL OCCUPATIONAL PHYSICAL
SOCIAL SPIRITUAL CULTURAL EMOTIONAL
Health & Wellness
ENVIRONMENTAL INTELLECTUAL
O C C U PAT I O N A L P H Y S I CA L S O C I A L
S P I R I T UA L C U LT U R A L E M OT I O N A L
A L o n g Pa t h To F i t n e s s
T
here were years in my youth when I woke
on a summer day, threw on a pair of
shorts over a bathing suit and ate a quick
breakfast of cereal and juice. I did my chores
(this was back when kids did chores) as a matter of routine. As soon as possible, I rode my
bike to the beach and swam out to the raft.
I floated on my back and recited memorized
poetry to the gulls. My friends soon came
along, and we played cards and talked about
who knows what. By the time I rode my bike
the two miles back home, I was tired from
the sun and activity. Mom cooked a dinner of
meat, potatoes, and vegetables, with a home
made dessert most days. Then, after helping
with dishes, I would go outside, climb a tree,
and read a good book. That routine lasted until I was 16, the magic age of needing a summer job and getting a drivers license. I wasn’t
smart enough then to grieve the passing of that
glorious summer lifestyle.
What happened to that girl? How did she so
willingly let go of the personal freedom of riding a bike around town, thinking that driving a
car was a step up? Why can’t the woman she
became remember how joyful movement is?
Has she completely blocked out the memory
of the wind in her hair as she rode downhill,
and the feeling of power as she climbed up?
How did she come to think that it was her job
to work without play breaks?
That girl was me, and by the time my husband died, I was 50 lb. overweight, and it
was all I could do just to accomplish all the
business of taking care of the estate and the
house. My son and his wife announced that
I would soon be a grandmother for the first
time. I thought ahead to what kind of relation-
ship I wanted with my
grandchild. I wanted to
ride a bike with her, to
ski with her, to swim with
her, and even just get up
and down off the floor
with her. What I saw in
this child was a playmate.
Once again, it would be
socially accepted to be
silly and active. Now, one
does not become so overweight in a straight line.
There were lots of diets
that failed along the way.
So, initially, I intended
simply to get stronger BEFORE, with my son Steve and AFTER, having
and fit. I joined Anytime followed my exercise and nutrition plan.
Fitness and worked with (Joanne Moore)
Axel Mahlke, a personal
trainer, twice, to get an
ology, that after 12 weeks of exercise that raisexercise program going . I exercised faith- es my heart rate for at least 20 minutes, my
fully 4 days a week for 60 minutes each time.
muscle cells developed more capillaries and
The work-out was 30 minutes on the elliptical
machine for aerobics, then light weight lift- more mitochondria. The mitochondria are the
ing, balance and stretching exercises. After 3 part of the cell that burn fat for energy. That
months, I had not lost a pound. But I knew, chemical reaction requires oxygen, and the inbecause I have my masters in exercise physi- creased capillaries provide that oxygen. Now
that the physical changes had occurred in the muscle cells, I knew that I was more capable
of burning fat. So I met with Rosemary Collins, a registered dietician, and she helped me
develop a nutrition plan. Based on my sex, age, and activity level, she prescribed the number of calories that I could take in every day in order to lose one pound a week. She taught
me how to use an “ap” on the computer to be sure that my proportion of fat, protein, and
carbohydrate were appropriate. I will admit that it was hard, and I was hungry most of the
time. But, science was right. I lost one pound a week until I lost all 50 pounds. I went from
a size 16 to a size 4. That was 4 years ago, and I’ve kept it off. I have met my goal of skiing,
swimming, and playing with now 2 granddaughters. I’ve yet to ride a bike with them, but I
have started riding my bike to work in good weather.
I’ve also been able to discontinue medications for blood pressure and cholesterol.
My biggest reward is being able to play. I have a general sense of well being that is joyful, and peaceful, and positive. I encourage anyone who has a sense that there might be a
better way to live, to explore a more active lifestyle.
Fitness For
Caregivers
This program is designed to help
caregivers gain the strength and
endurance to meet the demands
of caregiving more easily. Just as
flight attendants instruct us to don
our own oxygen masks before
helping others, caregivers must
first see to their own physical
fitness, to ensure they are strong
enough to help others.
The Fitness Guide ALL Caregivers Should Have!
Call for the DVD and Fitness Guide Today!
860-448-5149
jmoore@widowedpathfinder.com
FINANCE
By Matthew A. Somberg
Why You
F
Need an
Advisor Who
Will Listen
To You
amily finances can often be an uncomfortable subject. In many homes, it’s not
uncommon for one spouse to be more
responsible for handling the finances and financial planning, and the other takes no role.
If your late spouse handled the finances, then
you may be feeling completely overwhelmed
with trying to understand, and become expert
in, an area that you have no interest in. Let me
reassure you—you are not alone. A qualified
financial advisor can help, and here’s some
guidance in helping you find the right one.
First, you need someone who is willing
to listen to you. If you already have a financial advisor, this is an opportunity to reevaluate if he or she is right for you – especially if it
was your spouse that was the primary contact
with the advisor. You are a unique individual
with your own goals, dreams and fears. It is
critical that your advisor be just as good as lis-
tening as they are talking. When meeting with
potential candidates, keep track of how much
talking do you get to do, and how much talking they do. It is important that the advisor be
“interested,” not just “interesting.” Make sure
they listen to you. Make sure you feel that you
are important to them. If you aren’t getting
this feeling, then you should interview other
advisors. Your financial well being is too important to work with someone who doesn’t
make you feel like less than a partner. Second, find out how your financial advisor earns a living. It’s one of two ways:
1. Commission-based advisers sell investments and earn a percentage of those
sales from the corporation or company that
offers them. This means their choices of
investments for you could be more influenced by a third party than your needs or
goals.
2. Fee-based advisers work with you on
an an hourly basis as a consultant, giving
you advice which is up to you to implement. Or they can manage your investments for a management fee, irrespective
if your account balance goes up or down.
Their motivation is to keep you happy by
providing good service so you keep your
account with them. And they’d also prefer
to see your account balance grow so that
they can earn a larger fee. Thus, generally
speaking, the interests of a fee-based adviser are aligned with your own.
Let me be very direct about the role of a
financial adviser in your life. Your money
is your money – not the adviser’s money. If
you are not comfortable with your adviser for
whatever reason, then you should end the re-
lationship and switch to another one. Make
sure they listen closely to you, communicate
clearly with you, and make you feel like you
are being well taken care of.
As a financial adviser for the last 14 years,
I have worked with clients at both ends of the
spectrum. I’ve met clients who are really interested in their finances and those who have
no interest at all. The moments that I have
found most personally rewarding are those in
which my team has been able to look a widow
or widower in the eye and let them know that,
financially, they are going to be okay – That
financially we are going to take care of everything for them and that their job is to take care
of themselves emotionally. I wish you the best
of luck in finding that right adviser for you.
Matthew A. Somberg, AIF®, CLTC® is Principal and Founder of Gottfried & Somberg
Wealth Management, LLC. He oversees over
$225million dollars of total client assets and
maintains offices at 340 Hebron Avenue,
Glastonbury, CT and 15 Chesterfield Road,
East Lyme, CT. Email Matthew at somberg@
gottfriedsomberg.com or visit him at www.
gottfriedsomberg.com. Securities and advisory services offered through Commonwealth
Financial Network, member FINRA/SIPC, a
registered investment adviser. This communication is strictly intended for individuals residing in the states of CA, CO, CT, FL, MA,
MD, ME, MI, NC, NH, NJ, NM, NY, OH, RI,
SC, TX, VA, VI, and WA. No offers may be
made or accepted from any resident outside
these states due to various state regulations
and registration requirements regarding investment products and services. widowedpathfinder.com | July 2014 | PATHFINDER | 23
Liliane Allegretti
Featured Widow
Embraces Life After Loss
L
iliane Allegretti had a wonder- United Service Organizations (USO),
ful life after she arrived in the to soldiers at Westover Air Reserve
United States from Switzerland Base.
They encouraged and sponsored
in 1951. She got married and enjoyed
38 years of wedded bliss before her her move to New York City where
husband passed away in 1994. Despite a brief career in the spotlight was
launched.
She
this heartbreakcontinued singing
ing loss, she conin French as well
tinues to thrive,
as some modeling
throwing herself
gigs, an occasionin to her art, her
al off Broadway
friends and her
performance role,
family.
dancing at the
Liliane grew
Copacabana and
up in Geneva,
most notably, actSwitzerland and
ing as a stand in
moved to Holydouble for Marioke, Massachulyn Monroe. Her
setts with her parstage name was
ents when she was
Lili Lisande.
18. She spoke no
English and did a
As exciting as
variety of odd jobs
that was, so was
Frank
&
Liliane
including housethe man she was
Allegretti
cleaning, pumpabout to meet.
(Patricia Ann Chaffee)
ing gas, and doWhile vacationing
ing whatever she
at Misquamicut
could while learning the language. In Beach in Rhode Island in 1951, she
Switzerland she had been a hairdresser met Frank Allegretti, bartending at the
and so she cut hair in Holyoke, MA Andrea Hotel. She was 19 and he was
until a couple of show business folks 30.
spotted her singing in French with the
“I couldn’t talk to him, I thought,”
said Liliane. “He was a bartender, had gray had their first child in 1957 and another in
hair and was too old.” She got over it, learning 1958. They bought a house that year and evthat he was a school teacher at Waterford High erything was great. Jack and Michelle later
School where he taught industrial arts, and gave them four grandchildren.
“Frank was gentle and nice,” said Liliane.
bartending was a short term summer gig. She
returned to New York and during another visit “I loved him. Everybody did. I was very, very
to Misquamicut in 1956, found him hanging much in love with him.”
He proved his love for her when in 1971,
out with his buddies on the beach.
“There he was, lying on the beach. while skiing at Powder Ridge Ski Area in
Middlefield, Conn.,
Ooooooh, the elecLiliane broke both her
tricity,” remembers
legs. It took two years
Liliane. “That was
for her to recover and
the end of it, or the
Frank did everything
beginning. He was a
that needed to be done
nice fellow, kind of
during that difficult
quiet and very good
time, including caring
looking. He wanted
for the kids who were
nothing to do with me
then 12 and 13 years
when I was in show
old. With a hospital
business. ”
bed stationed in their
Three months latliving room and both
er, on September 22
legs in casts, Liliane
they were married at
needed him for everythe Cathedral of St.
thing. Her mom came
Patrick in Norwich
to help but Frank took
and New York beover when he arrived
came history. Frank
home from teaching
had a big Italian famby 3. He even conily that outnumbered
structing a ramp for
Liliane’s 300 to 11.
her wheelchair so she
“It was tough.
could go out with her
They didn’t accept me
Liliane Allegretti
(Patricia
Ann
Chaffee)
friends who would
right away. You know,
load her into the back
I was in show business and from Switzerland and didn’t have of a station wagon. “Frank was fantastic,” said
much family here.” It took a few years for his Liliane.
Frank continued teaching, and when she
family to come around which left Frank devastated because his family was such a close was literally back on her feet, she opened Lilknit group. “On his mother’s dying bed she iane’s Salon De Coiffure in Niantic village
finally said she loved me. We had a wonderful which she ran for 15 years, making use of
her cosmetology skills. Frank handled all the
marriage anyway.”
The couple settled in Niantic, Conn. and books and financial matters.
In the late 1980’s Frank began having signs I love flowers, just love them. I’m in my own
of prostate cancer that he was reluctant to ad- little world. I get a good feeling when I paint,”
dress and in 1994 he lost the battle. During she says. “I’m just so fortunate.”
She has exhibited her work over the years
that time it was Liliane’s chance to take care
in different venues but has no interest in doof him.
“He used to do everything for me,” said ing that now, choosing to forgo the sometimes
Liliane. “Then he got sick and I had to diaper competitive nature of the art world. Liliane
him. One night I had to take him to the hospi- says she is the oldest in her class of about 15
tal at 3:00 a.m. He died 10 days later. We had students.
Her days that begin at 5 a.m. are filled with
a great, great marriage.”
What she cherishes most about their mar- activity that always starts with walking 30
riage was the honesty they shared. “Real hon- minutes, followed by breakfast and tending
esty. Lots of good love. He was a nice guy and to any appointments she may have. She often
participates in senior
I loved him dearly.”
center trips, takes in
Liliane still lives in
a show at the Goodthe house they shared
speed Opera House
together and she has
or visits with friends.
long since sold her
Liliane recognizes the
hair salon. She conimportance of havtinues to “do hair” for
ing a support network
friends and family in
of friends and famher home and Frank’s
ily when dealing with
passing opened up
loss of a spouse. That
new pathways in her
was valuable to her
life that she hadn’t
when she needed it
pursued previously.
most. The years have
“It wasn’t too great
Liliane
Allegretti
passed and as fit as
but I pulled through,”
she is, she does admit
says Liliane. “I’ve alto having to call on
ways been a doer. I
didn’t even know how to write checks to pay other help to tend to household maintenance
the bills at first, but I took care of things. The and yard work. As helpful as sharing her life
with someone might be these days, she chooskids guided me a bit.”
Somehow Liliane found herself over at the es not to date and has no plan to sign up for
Lyme Art Association taking classes in pastels membership on Match.com any time soon,
with award winning pastel artists Joann Ball- quite comfortable being on her own.
“I turned 80 last January and I feel pretty
inger. Seventeen years later she is still there,
painting every Friday morning. Landscapes, still good, I must say. I’m busy enough to be conlifes, mountain scenes, memories of Switzerland tent by myself. It’s not selfish; I just don’t feel
I need someone to watch TV with“, says Liland especially flowers pique her interest.
“I paint whatever catches my eye. That’s iane. When a little loneliness sets in, she can
my therapy; in fact it’s cheaper than therapy. pick up the phone and call a friend.
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Spiritual Direction...
Spiritual Direction Can Offer
Guidance In The Storm
S
piritual Direction is a sacred companioning that can be helpful as we
journey through this life, especially
during life changing events that challenge us
most. It is an ancient practice that originated
in the Roman Catholic tradition and is now
practiced widely across all faith traditions.
Because of that, it is more spiritual than it is
religious, requiring only openness to the belief
in a holy something, greater than ourselves.
It is an interfaith experience when the central
belief is that there is one God whom we all
choose to worship differently.
“Finding a spiritual director who is trained
and open to meeting a person where they are,
and willing to set aside their own image and
understanding of God, is important,” says executive director of the Spiritual Life Center,
Melina Rudman. “There is one voice of God,
spoken through many languages and traditions. No matter who or what we believe, as
human beings we have a spirit. Especially in
times of grief and challenge, our spirits need
tending to.”
It is different than therapy in that there is
a spiritual focus as people grapple with unfathomable loss. Finding the right spiritual
director can best be explored through recom-
mendations from friends and even interviews
to determine if you and the director are a
good fit. Spiritual directors in your area can
be found through Spiritual Directors International (www.SDIworld.org). They can also be
located through retreat centers and places like
the Spiritual Life Center in West Hartford,
Connecticut. Rudman recommends inquiring
about a director’s background, whether or not
they are in ongoing formation, and sharing
some of your story with them and watching
for a reaction.
“Your spiritual director can be with you
throughout your journey, listening to the guidance of the voice of the Holy, and helping you
tune the ears of your own heart toward that
voice,” she says. “You should feel a connection with your director, a sense that your experience of God is respected, especially if you
are someone familiar with having mystical experiences.”
In a typical session the director should do
far more listening than speaking, and you can
expect to be asked guiding, open ended questions. If you want to begin or end your session
with prayer a good director should be open to
that. And if you find that it’s not working out,
don’t hesitate to make a change.
During a time of grieving, we might wonder if that is the best time to begin or even to
continue spiritual direction. We may feel mad
at God for “taking” our loved one. “Everyone
is mad at God at least once in their life. God
can take it! Anger in the face of a huge loss
is an appropriate response.” says Rudman.
“When people are grieving there is often great
loneliness and unresolved business. At times
like that, God is a container that can hold our
grief, loneliness, regrets, anger and pain. Being able to explore those things in the presence
of the holy, with someone who holds our story
as sacred, offers resolution, comfort, closure
and life can be found.”
She says spiritual direction honors grief and that it is
part of the human and spiritual
experience. “It’s handled tenderly and respectfully. It’s not
rushed. Spiritual direction allows you to stay with the grief
and move in and out of it. It is
a place of acceptance.”
Society doesn’t care much
for the grieving process and
encourages us to get on with
Melina
it. But spiritual direction is an
invitation to take all the time you need. We
all grieve differently and there is no right or
wrong way. Spiritual direction invites us into
relationship with the divine, to explore places we may have found too painful to go. And
with the right spiritual director, the process
provides a safe and sacred space to make that
journey.
Spiritual direction sessions typically last
one hour and are scheduled once a month, but
during particularly difficult times, sessions
may be scheduled more often. Fees vary depending on the director or program and can
run $50-70 per session, although many places,
including the Spiritual life Center, have a flexible payment policy and do not turn anyone
away due to inability to pay.
Rudman arrived at spiritual direction after
pursuing a degree in psychology from Baypath
College. While attending the Women’s Leadership Institute at Hartford Seminary in 1999
she had a mystical experience of her own that
prompted her to explore spiritual direction for
the first time. “People were always telling me
their stories and coming to me to share their
joys and pains. I knew this was a gift for me.”
She received her certificate in spiritual
direction from Sacred Heart
University in 2002 and later
became involved with the Spiritual Life Center serving on its
board of directors. She ran the
Servant Leadership School at
the Franciscan Center for Urban Ministry in Hartford, CT
for nine years and joined the
staff as executive director of
the Spiritual Life Center in
August of 2013.
When asked why she chose
Rudman
to be involved with this sacred
practice she responded, “I can’t imagine my
life without it. I think that for me, it took me
beyond religion into relationship. That has
healed my life in so many ways.”
The Spiritual Life Center is located at Holy
Family Retreat Center, 303 Tunxis Road, West
Hartford, CT (860)243-2374. Rudman is
also the author of Reimagining the Gospels,
Prayerful Wonderings On the Life of Jesus of
Nazareth, published this past September. It is
available at www.Amazon.com. widowedpathfinder.com | July 2014 | PATHFINDER | 29
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Home
Nelson Clayton On Your
Household Treasures
Thoughts On Personal Property Appraisals
D
uring many life transitions, the value of personal property can come
into question. When you begin
to wonder if the items that your family loves
may have more than sentimental value, consider calling in a trained personal property appraiser. These highly skilled professionals can
guide us not only in determining the value of
our treasures, but can suggest how we might
best liquidate when downsizing or just cleaning out is on our agenda.
Nelson (Ned) Clayton is one such experienced appraiser, and his interest comes from
his own family history. He has traced his family geneology back to the mid 1600’s. 800 related families gather in New Jersey annually
to reunite, celebrating their family history,
and Clayton was a part of it. His home has furniture laced with boyhood memories. Among
an eclectic blend of contemporary pieces and
antiques, a crazy quilt made by his family in
the 1890’s adorns a wall, filled with symbols
representing his family. History and family
means a lot to this Old Lyme, CT resident so
it makes sense that as he neared retirement in
1991, he decided to pursue an art and antiques
appraisal certificate program at Long Island
University. With lots of inherited items, and
family dating back to the American Revolution, Ned and his wife Stephanie pursued
training together and the pursuit of education
in this field hasn’t stopped.
Clayton is an Accredited Senior Appraiser
with the American Society of Appraisers, Inc.
and is a graduate of the Winterthur Institute
at the Winterthur Museum in Delaware. Prior
to retiring, he traveled the world as a banker for Citibank and brings his well- traveled
experience to this second career. Despite his
many years as a personal property appraiser,
he continues to attend educational programs
through professional appraisal organizations
and museums worldwide, but some of his best
learning experiences come from a least likely
source. “Every time I go into a house I learn
something new,” he says. “If I don’t know or
can’t figure out what something is worth, I’ll
find someone who does.”
Although he has encountered many unique
items over the years, he recognizes his limits
as well as the gifts of others, so he calls in
specialists as needed, people who specialize
in carpet, fine art and jewelry. He can handle
everything else himself, including glass, furniture, decorative
items, china, silver, collectibles,
even vehicles,
and he specializes in antiques
and decorative
arts, especially
American antique
furniture and silver.
Sometimes he is
called in to look
at one item, a
handful of cherished heirlooms
or even a whole
house, and he is
called upon for a
variety of reasons. “Everyone has something,
but they may not know what to do with it,”
says Clayton, who doesn’t deal in antiques
himself but can advise his clients in liquidation.
The majority of people who contact him
have had some kind of loss in their life or want
to protect against loss. Typical reasons to call
on a personal property appraiser include estate
planning or estate settlement; insurance pro-
tection or claims; donations; and divorce.
People may be surprised to hear that the
value of an item varies depending on the reason for the valuation. For example if there is
the loss of an item that needs to be replaced,
and if it was a rare or one of a kind item, it
will have a higher value. In an estate scenario
where things are likely to be distributed among
heirs, one person might want an item and a
sibling might want the cash equivalent, so the
value will determine the equal share. During
divorce, the value is needed for equitable distribution requiring a value that
is fair for both
parties involved.
The state of
the
economy
factors into values. Since 2008,
Clayton
has
seen significant
changes, reducing values in
the household
marketplace. He
also sees generational effects as
younger family
members have
increasingly less
interest in items that used to hold significance.
“The younger generation doesn’t sit down for
dinner anymore so there is no need for silver,” says Clayton. “They don’t want to wind
clocks, so old grandfather clocks are no longer
wanted or they replace the mechanism so they
don’t have to wind it. They aren’t interested in
carpets because they want to have hardwood
floors. They want pretty, not history. For the
first time ever, a new piece of furniture costs
more than antiques.”
With estate planning or settlement, decisions need to be made about what do with the
things you have. People may choose to keep it,
give it to the kids, donate it, or sell the item. The
emotional factor is the biggest issue according
to Clayton, and one of the hardest things to get
over. Clients often believe in the story of an
item, and that story may not be more family
lore than accurate. “George Washington could
only have slept so many places,” he jokes. But
once he helps clients to get past the emotional
factor, he can assess a piece of furniture for
example, by looking at its patina, period and
construction.
For
folks
looking to donate a piece, it
is useful to find
an institution
such as a library, museum,
or educational
organization
with a common
purpose aligned
with the object.
For tax deductible donations,
an item may
have higher value, especially for items that are
rare and will be on display in this setting. Another thing to consider in parting with an item
is the location and whether it’s worth it to ship
something, as that can sometimes be costly.
It is important to call in an appraiser in
several scenarios. For insurance purposes, a
documented appraisal of value for expensive
items can be crucial in the event of theft or
fire. Or in the case of sibling disagreements
during estate settlement, he becomes an arbi-
ter. He advises parents to talk with the kids in
advance to eliminate disagreements later. Or
when folks are downsizing, sometimes preparing a move into extended care facilities,
there is much to get rid of because where they
are going doesn’t have room for all the things
they cherished in their home.
When considering calling in a professional,
it’s important to consider credentials and how
much experience they have. Typical scams
that folks should be leery about are when an
individual will come in, take a look around
and throw a number out. “Their main purpose is to get it cheap,” he says. “They run tag
sales.” Auction
houses are a bit
more selective
and tend to give
a range that they
think an item
will sell for.
They tend to be
fairly accurate.
When Clayton goes out to
a home he follows up with a
thoroughly researched written report of appraised value. He charges by the hour, and
what he charges is in no way affected by the
value of an item, and if people don’t know
where to begin he is happy to come out for a
consultation. A consultation involves a walk
through, discussion to make a plan as decisions are made about what has emotional or
monetary value, and he offers suggestions on
how to dispose of the items which may be
needed to pay off bills in a situation such as
estate liquidation. An appraisal follows.
The thing he likes best about this work is
the people he meets and finding things he’s
never seen before. His greatest discovery was
a desk belonging to an early Connecticut family. He appreciated the value of it because of
its history.
Because he enjoyed this interaction with
people so much, he has done presentations
at Senior Centers where he would bring four
items and ask the seniors to value them. The
closest guess received a prized. He invited
them to bring their own items to try to stump
him. Only one audience member was successful, with a lighthouse light lighter that looked
like a smudge pot.
Clayton clearly enjoys the work he is doing in his retirement years, bringing insight,
education and value to the people who call
on him. He enjoys viewing interesting items
that always have a story and helping folks
determine value and sometimes direction in
their lives. And every now and then he gets
stumped and reaches into his cadre of research
skills and relationships with colleagues to find
the answers people need. With a great appreciation for the history of each heirloom, while
understanding its sentimental value, he helps
clients gain clarity about the true value of each
treasured piece.
For more information contact Nelson O.
Clayton at (203) 561-8298 or visit www.
AppraisalsOfDistinction.com. widowedpathfinder.com | July 2014 | PATHFINDER | 35
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M
any people become familiar with hospice
care as they watch their
loved ones slip away, moving toward
the end of life. And as they grieve
that unimaginable loss, hospice might
be the last thing they want to hear or
read about. But for folks familiar with
the Center for Hospice Care Southeast Connecticut, hospice can make a
difference long after their loved one
has moved on.
The Center for Hospice Care has
an Expressive Arts Program that offers
opportunities for creative expression
for children and adults. Those opportunities enable folks to deal with their
grief through remembering, creating,
and socializing in an atmosphere that
is nonjudgmental, compassionate and
supportive. Linda Bradley is the expressive arts therapist and coordinator
of the program that has been growing
since it began as a pilot in 2010 when
she was on staff only 6-8 hours per
week. Her hours have tripled, reflecting the success and demand for her
program.
“I always felt comfortable with art
as a way of expressing the soul, using
my art to work through my feelings
about grief and death,” said Bradley.
“When my Mom died in 1998 I found
it therapeutic and very, very helpful
to work through my feelings through
journaling and art. It became a focus
for me to help others in the same way.
My dream was to facilitate an expressive arts program that supported
individuals in expressing their grief
The Healing
Power of
Expressive
Arts
through a variety of creative modalities.”
two cents about what we’ve done wrong, how
She was fascinated by expressive arts and inadequate we are, how we’ve hurt others and
the way it can help people deal with what is im- so much more. But if we can move past the reportant in their lives. So with a Masters degree sounding epithets and accusations that go with
in Fine Arts from the University of Connecti- them in order to get quiet and tap into our aucut under her belt, she pursued a Certificate thentic, beautiful and ultimately creative nain Advanced Graduate Study in Art Therapy ture, we can do something powerful. We can
at Springfield College in Massachusetts. She use the process of creating to deal with our
then became a Registered Art Therapist (ATR) grief.
after completing her studies in Springfield.
“Once they get involved, and overcome the
Bradley brings that passion for helping people anxiety of being in a group, they find a welthrough the arts, to this program at hospice.
come, supportive, environment,” said Bradley.
No two ex“They can see the
pressive arts therbenefits. Someapy programs are
times they come
the same. They
once and that’s all
all draw on medithey need. Othums that connect
ers come for the
with the senses
whole six week
including paintseries and some
ing, crafts, music
stay longer”
and movement,
Initially pardrawing, journticipants arrive
aling, cooking,
and their grief
gardening. The
is so raw they
common theme
can barely say
is a creative flow.
their loved one’s
Linda Bradley
And each particiname, she says.
pant approaches
Through the exit as they need
perience
they
with no right or wrong way, making it ideal bond with others in the group, who although
for everyone, even those who assert, “I can’t each experiences grief in their own way, they
draw a straight line.”
have empathy for one another. The program at
“Everyone is creative,” says Bradley. Center for Hospice Care is somewhat unique
“We experience creativity in so many differ- according to Bradley in that there are few exent ways. It’s not always studio art. It’s about pressive arts programs like it, that focus on
taking what’s inside and articulating feelings supporting those who are grieving.
in some tangible way.”
Barry Rhodes heard about the program
Children have an easier time accepting after his wife Diane of 18 years passed away
their artist within. We adults allow that inner three years ago. His stepdaughter signed him
critic to reside on our shoulders offering their up for a bereavement group, where he was in38 | PATHFINDER | July 2014 | widowedpathfinder.com
troduced to the expressive arts program. It was is making hand crafted greeting cards for the
there that he painted a picture frame to display a social workers and staff to use as needed. This
photo of Diane, but he received so much more. sharing with the program is as therapeutic as
“Just being there was helpful,” said Rhodes. is the group dynamic and the creative process.
“There were others there who knew what loss “The process of the group is amazing as they
was like. I liked the people in the group. Per- moved from being barely able to contain their
sonally I don’t get out a lot. Other people, they own grief, to wanting to reach out and help
don’t want to hear about someone’s loss. But others,” said Bradley about the alumni group
in this group, evthat has now been
eryone has been
meeting for over
through similar diftwo years. “They
ficulties.” He had
have become close
been working up
friends.”
until last year, as a
Louisette (Lou)
shipwright at MysWasilewski is part
tic Seaport where
of that group. She
he worked on the
lost her husband
restoration of the
Michael in 2010
Charles W. Morafter a three year
gan, the last woodbattle with cancer.
en whaling ship in
She
remembers
the world. Since
one of the first achis wife passed
tivities she did
away, he has been
in Bradley’s prodiagnosed
with
gram was going
cancer
himself.
through a maga“It’s not as hard
zine to search for
as dealing with
images and words
my wife’s cancer,”
that resonated with
said Rhodes who
her and reminded
continues to be a
her of Michael.
Linda
Bradley
part of an ExpresShe chose pictures
sive Arts Alumni
of a garden scene
Group. They conbecause Michael
tinue to meet weekly to support each other and loved flowers. Her collage ended up growing
give back to the organization that has given into something like a scrapbook as one thing
much to them.
led to another. She has painted frames and
The Expressive Arts Alumni Group is birdhouses, made holiday wreaths, and made
made up of four individuals who had lost a chest for keepsakes. “A lot of things about
loved ones and had gone through the expres- how we feel can come out of it from black
sive art therapy program. Their latest project clouds to beautiful flowers,” said Wasilewski.
Expressive Arts Alumni Group
(L-R): Lou Wasilewski, Barry
Rhodes, Penny Gadbois, and
Cheryl Thevenet
Linda Bradley
“It kind of helps to take some of the grieving
away. And you are with people who are all going through the same thing. We all lost someone we love. Talking with other people puts
things in perspective and eventually you can
see some light at the end of the tunnel.”
The expressive arts process is helpful because it makes feelings tangible, according
to Bradley. Anger, sadness, confusion, anxiety, and indefinable emotions can be worked
through by making these tangible things. It
is about making memories and about finding
comfort. The Memory Scrapbook is one activity that people have found helpful. Participants bring mementos and photos from home
and work with a binder filled with pages.
There is anintensity about them when they
are sorting photos,” says Bradley. “It takes
them back and triggers an opportunity to share
treasured memories with others in the group.
It is a way to reflect on things about the person
they want to remember. And they can go back
to it when they want. It is a way to celebrate
their life together and the life of the person
they’ve lost.”
Using a Grief Inventory, they explore col-
ors, shapes, temperatures, etc. and create an
image that allows them to take something as
huge and unmanageable as their grief and
break it down, so that it is more contained,
explains Bradley. In that container they can
share with others. They gain self-awareness
about what they are experiencing. Defining issues helps in developing coping skills.
“Their whole life has changed because
of this loss. They have to learn how to work
with all these changes. They find comfort in
knowing they are not alone. It is a solitary
journey through personal grief but they know
they are not alone. They’re not going crazy,
they’re grieving; a normal natural process and
response to the death of a loved one.”
Expressive Arts Programs are free at the Center for Hospice Care Southeast Connecticut.
They are located at 227 Dunham Street, Norwich, CT. Learn more at www.hospicesect.org
or visit them at www.facebook.com/hospicesect or call (860)848-5699. 40 | PATHFINDER | July 2014 | widowedpathfinder.com
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Poetry...
For Lindsay
By David Smith
This storm of emotions
washes me clean
till I sparkle with the promise of a sunrise.
The water’s edge at peace in pure light,
till the wind comes and carries me away.
Promises, promises, promises.
Life holds so many.
How many sunrises are you willing to see
knowing they are not limitless?
Are you willing to open your eyes to the ugly
in order to see wonder?
Do you see the beauty in terror,
and in beauty, the terror of losing it?
Are you willing to share a love that is fluid;
that ebbs and flows, awe inspiring
and sometimes roiling and achy?
We own all of our promises.
Look for the sunrise and be cleansed.
Fulfill yourself, and have faith.
For in faith, there is truth and life.
Books & Movies
Author Spotlight: Mary O'Connor Writes
About the Sweet Spots
M
ary O’Connor has been writ- travel guide for those searching for joy. She
ing all her life and it wasn’t until transforms what she sees out her window in
she retired about seven years ago, the earth, sea and sky, and the human experithat she decided she wanted to use her gifts ence, into an inspiring, practical, often heartto make some contribution to humanity. She warming path to finding joy in the sweet spots
found a way to do that with her latest book, of life.
Life is Full of Sweet Spots – An Exploration
When O’Connor set out to write this book,
of Joy. And it is just
that became a four
that. O’Connor pulls
year project, she had
Sweet spots are the extraordinary places
together
personal
already published a
and things in life that bring us joy and are
stories, hers and
book of poetry titled
often
found
among
the
mediocre.
others from around
Dreams of a Wingthe country and beless Child. She had
yond. Using art and
just retired from a
imagery, poems and
long career that inpromise, quotes and
volved great listenconcrete
advice,
ing skills and a variThis book is an invitation to the journey, an
along with practical
ety of writing skills.
ongoing, life long journey of discovery of
information, she deShe worked as a
that which makes our hearts sing.
scribes her book as a
newspaper reporter
So What Is A
Sweet Spot?
and editor and in the field of communications, story.
marketing and publicity as well as serving as
“I met a lot of nice people doing this book,”
the executive director for the Guilford Arts says O’Connor. “I really wanted to make a
Center just before she retired. For the past contribution. My poetry book had triggered
seven years she has been offering poetry writ- something in people. People said the poems
ing workshops to
were bringing them
the inmates at York
joy. They said, we
Correctional Instidon’t see things the
tute.
way you do, lookThis optimistic
ing out your winauthor questioned
dow.”
her own ability to
She wanted her
write about joy
new book to show
and soon realized
them how to find joy
that finding an “exin nature, through
pert” on the subject
their bodies, hearts
would be difficult.
and spirits. Life is
After all, it’s not
Full of Sweet Spots
as if one can major
is divided into three
in joy at your losections: Drawing
cal university. She
on Nature, Tapping
searched on line
Into our Bodies
seeking out people,
and Stretching Our
many of them blogMinds and Souls. It
gers, who had overis much more than
come challenges in
just inspiration. It
life (like so many
offers practical sugof us) and found
gestions on where
joy despite their
to go, what to do,
Life
Is
Full
of
Sweet
Spots
hardships. She foland the resources
–
An
Exploration
of
Joy
lowed their blogs
helpful in the proby Mary O’Connor
to see if they had
cess. It is an invita(Patricia Ann Chaffee)
something worthtion to discover joy
while to say and if
in our everyday life
what they had to share could be helpful to inspired by nature, people and their stories.
others who were experiencing difficulties of
In one account Barbara Parsons, a former
their own. Most of her contacts were more inmate at York Correctional Institute shares
than happy to be interviewed and share their her love of flowers and gardening that helped
Mary O’Connor
get her through her sentence at York. When
a local newspaper featured Barbara’s experience of joy in sunflowers, O’Connor was impressed. “Barbara said that growing flowers
brought her peace and contentment, and that
enabled her to experience joy in the unlikeliest
of places. It opened her mind to allow other
things in. She took writing courses to fill her
mind and relieve tension. She tapped into the
creative side of her life. There’s a therapeutic benefit to many things in the book,” says
O’Connor. “For example if you are busy with
something you like, time flies by. It can take
a tragedy and offer some relief to an extent.”
Tammy Hendricks was moved to create
memorial teddy bears to honor a great nephew who lived only seven hours after birth.
Now she makes them for other people who
have lost a loved one, using their clothing or
favorite blanket. With a background in counseling at a mental health center, she finds that
her new avocation continues to help people in
a similar way. They often write to her to share
information about the person who passed
away and she incorporates a sense of that person into the bear. The sense of touch experi-
enced through a teddy bear, is an important
piece of experiencing joy despite the pain of
grief.
The book is full of people doing interesting things that elicits joy. The hardest part of
the project for O’Connor was choosing what
stories and how much information to include.
It is the kind of book that you pick up and randomly open to see what you might see, rather
to do with the skills I have. It gave me a challenge and a way to contribute to life.”
As she began looking for people and places
that led to joy, the possibilities were abundant.
For that reason another book may be on the
horizon. O’Connor lives along the Connecticut shoreline where she is inspired by her natural surroundings and incorporates that into
her creative expression both as a writer and
Mary O’Connor
than sitting and reading it all at once. The nuggets of wisdom are meant to be nurtured and
digested over time, then put to use.
“I myself am a naturally optimistic person“, says O’Connor. “ I’m happy to have a
talent for writing that I could share. I’m an active person and I was looking for something
as an artist. For now, the author keeps painting, enjoying her own sweet spots and posting photography and thought provoking comments on her blog.
Life is Full of Sweet Spots is available
through Amazon.com or visit www.Lifeisfullofsweetspots.com.
Nutrition
Recipe Ideas For Meals That You
Might Deliver To A Friend Who Is Sick
By Rosemary Collins, RDN
T
here is nothing nicer than having a neighbor
or friend call round with a hot, delicious,
ready prepared meal when you are unable
to cook!
Having a “friends roster” for meals with
each person volunteering to prepare for one
night during the week makes for good planning
and helps to coordinate the week.
Cooking for a friend and then eating together can also be a nice way to keep your friend
company, especially if they if they are alone.
There is nothing better than the taste of familiar or comfort foods when feeling out of
sorts – so it’s a great idea to chat to you friend to
check if they have any particular favorites. Also
if they have any special dietary needs which
might need a little adjustment to the menu.
I have put together some of my favorite recipes for meals that are easy to prepare. They are
also healthy, reheat if needed, travel well and
taste good!
Everyone loves a homemade “mac and
cheese” this recipe adds the delicious taste of
acorn squash….
Grown Up Macaroni
and Cheese with
Acorn Squash
SERVES 6
INGREDIENTS
4 cups acorn squash, about 1¼ pounds
2 cups macaroni (try using wholegrain for a healthier option)
1 tablespoon plus one teaspoon canola oil, divided
2 shallots, chopped
3 cups 2% milk, divided
1/3 cup all purpose flour
2 teaspoon dijon mustard
1 teaspoon fresh rosemary
¼ teaspoon salt, ¼ teaspoon ground white pepper
6 ounces white sharp cheddar shredded (about 2 cups) 3
tablespoons breadcrumbs (white or whole-wheat)
½ teaspoon paprika
DIRECTIONS
1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Coat a 2-quart baking
dish with cooking spray.
2. Meanwhile steam or microwave squash until tender,
about 10 minutes. Mash half the squash in a small bowl
and set aside.
3. Bring a large pot of water to the boil and cook macaroni
2 minutes less than package instructions. Drain and set
aside.
4. Heat 1-tablespoon oil in a large saucepan over medium
heat. Add shallot and cook, stirring often until softened
and starting to brown 1-3 minutes. Add 2 cups of milk
and bring to a simmer. Whisk the remaining 1-cup milk,
mustard, rosemary, white pepper and salt in a small
bowl until smooth. Whisk in the flour mixture into the
simmering milk until it thickens. Remove from the heat.
5. Whisk the cheese into the thickened milk mixture until it
is melted. Add the mashed squash and whisk until combined. Stir in the macaroni and the remaining squash.
Transfer to the prepared casserole dish.
6. Mix the breadcrumbs with the remaining 1-teaspoon oil.
Add the paprika and stir evenly until moist and bright orange. Sprinkle over the macaroni. Transfer to the oven
and bake until bubbling and browned on top about 1015 minutes. Let cool at least 10 minutes before serving.
Serve with green beans, or broccoli.
Can be portioned up into entrée serving dishes if you
wish, so there is an extra meal to go in the freezer as well
as one for dinner!
Carrot and Coriander
Soup (Sainsbury's)
SERVES 4
Soups are always good for light and quick meals – use
your favorite recipe, bring out your best chicken noodle or
for something a little different try this:
INGREDIENTS
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 onion peeled and finely chopped
Pinch of cumin
Pinch of crushed red pepper flakes (optional)
2 pints vegetable or chicken stock
1 lb. carrots, peeled and finely chopped
1tablespoon fresh cilantro leaves, finely chopped plus a
few sprigs to garnish
Vegetable chips to garnish (optional)
DIRECTIONS
1. Heat the oil in a large pan, add the onion and cook for
3-5 minutes until softened.
2. Add the cumin red pepper flakes if desired and cook
stirring for a further 1 minute.
3. Add the vegetable stock and carrots and bring to the
boil, then simmer for about 15 minutes, or until the carrots are cooked thoroughly.
4. Transfer the soup to a blender and blend until smooth.
Stir in the chopped cilantro then ladle into serving container.
Fresh Fruit Parfait
Serve hot with warm whole wheat bread.
________________________
SERVES 1
Last but not least everyone likes something sweet to
eat! This is a parfait that can be eaten any time of day,
breakfast or dessert! It takes just a few minutes to
prepare, looks wonderful served in a small glass and is
packed full of good nutrition.
INGREDIENTS
Take 2 tablespoons of Greek yogurt (2% fat or fat free for
lower calories)
2 tablespoons of fresh fruits, blueberries, raspberries,
peach or drained tinned fruits in natural juice
1 tablespoons of granola
DIRECTIONS
Place Greek yogurt in glass or cup. Top with fruits of your
choice and sprinkle with granola. Place in fridge.
Tastes delicious for a dessert or snack!
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