A sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford

Transcription

Stupid’s Arrow
A sample ‘Frasier’ script
by
Nic Ford
This script is set early in the third series of Frasier. The
relationships, therefore, are: Niles is married to Maris but lusts
after Daphne; Roz despises Niles, who goads her in return
whenever possible; Frasier and Martin are Frasier and Martin.
This work is distributed according to the Creative Commons
Attribution 3.0 Unported License. Copyright of individual
characters and situations from the sitcom Frasier remains with
their creators.
To view a copy of this license, visit http://j.mp/cc-by or send a
letter to: Creative Commons, 171 Second Street, Suite 300,
San Francisco, California, 94105, USA.
Nic Ford, March 2011
nicford@nicford.co.uk
+44 7957 66 62 11
SCENE 1 INT. K.A.C.L. RADIO STUDIO – DAY
FRASIER IS IN THE MIDDLE OF
TALKING TO A CALLER, WITH ROZ
WATCHING FROM THE BOOTH
FRASIER:
…and so, Tiffany, sometimes you can’t know what the
other person is feeling. In matters of the heart nothing
is ever sure. That’s what gives l’amour its delectable
frisson.
TIFFANY (V.O.):
(YOUNG) Gee, thanks Dr Crane, but that doesn’t…
ROZ:
(FROM BOOTH) Phooey!
FRASIER:
Ah! I see my esteemed producer, Roz, would like to
add the benefit of her huge experience in this area.
ROZ:
You can always tell someone is attracted to you.
There are signs.
FRASIER:
In Roz’s case, the signs are that her target’s breathing
and has a Y chromosome.
ROZ:
You never see the signs, Frasier?
Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (nicford@nicford.co.uk)
Page 1
FRASIER:
As a matter of fact, no, I don’t. When I develop a
romance with a woman, it’s always a delightful
surprise.
ROZ:
I’ve seen your seduction technique. It’s more like a
goddarn miracle. Tiffany, if a boy is attracted to you,
believe me, you’ll know.
TIFFANY (V.O.):
Thanks, Roz. But... do any of these signs show up as
some kinda rash?
FRASIER AND ROZ LOOK
HORRIFIED.
FADE TO:
Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (nicford@nicford.co.uk)
Page 2
SCENE 2 INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA – DAY
BLACK SCREEN WITH CAPTION:
“IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE –
THEY COULD HAVE SEEN EDDY'S
DOG-FLAP”
FADE IN TO:
ROZ AND FRASIER SIT AT A TABLE
SIPPING COFFEE. AS ONE
CUSTOMER LEAVES THROUGH A
NEWLY-INSTALLED REVOLVING
DOOR, NILES ENTERS THROUGH
THE OTHER SIDE.
NILES:
Look, Frasier. They’ve installed a door based on the
principle of Roz’s bed.
ROZ:
Ha, ha, Niles. Very funny.
NILES:
It’s a good thing they didn’t see your legs, Roz, or
we’d have one of those Western Saloon doors that
swings wide open to every rough-hewn Gringo
wandering by.
ROZ:
(ANGRY) Well, what if they'd seen yours, Niles? How
would we get past two... (STRUGGLING TO FIND A
BON MOT) ...beanpoles... hanging underneath...
(REALLY STRUGGLING) ...an idiot?
FRASIER:
Oh, touché, Roz.
Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11)
Page 3
ROZ:
I’m going to get a coffee. Another latte, Frasier? Niles,
some strychnine?
ROZ GOES TO THE COUNTER. NILES
SITS IN HER PLACE.
FRASIER:
Well, you’re surprisingly chipper this morning, Niles.
To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?
NILES:
Maris had a tennis lesson yesterday and sprained her
wrist again, poor thing.
FRASIER:
Still can’t get the cover off the racquet?
NILES:
No, but she keeps trying, the little trooper. So I’m out
searching for monogrammed bandages and a Louis
Vuitton aspirin case.
FRASIER:
In Café Nervosa?
NILES:
(LOOKS AROUND INNOCENTLY) Oh, is that where
we are?
FRASIER:
Your arrival couldn’t be anything to do with the fact
that Daphne is due here soon, could it?
NILES:
You know, I’d entirely forgotten.
Page 4
FRASIER:
Yes. And the price of pork bellies is sky-rocketing.
NILES:
A simple ‘pigs might fly’ would have sufficed. I knew
Dad should never have made you watch “Wall Street”
with him.
ROZ RETURNS WITH A COFFEE
EACH FOR HERSELF AND FRASIER.
NILES WAITS EXPECTANTLY FOR
HIS, AND LOOKS DISAPPOINTED
WHEN HE DOESN’T GET ONE.
ROZ:
There’s a guy at the counter checking me out.
FRASIER:
Where? You mean the muscular fellow ordering
beans?
ROZ:
That’s him.
FRASIER:
He’s here every day. Always tries something new. If
you were an Ethiopian Organic Decaf Yergacheffe
you might stand a chance, but otherwise…
ROZ:
Phooey! He’s hitting on me.
FRASIER:
Your ‘signs’ again?
Page 5
NILES:
Well, he’s not looking at you… he’s wearing a
wedding band… and he’s flirting with the waiter. Yes,
the signs are all there.
ROZ:
When I was at the counter he brushed against me.
Twice. And he spoke to me.
FRASIER:
And what sweet nothings did he whisper?
ROZ:
‘Excuse me, lady.’ But it was the way he said it. All
breathy and muffled.
FRASIER:
The poor man’s probably just had a root-canal.
NILES:
Look Roz! He’s leaving without looking this way once.
He must really want you!
FADE TO:
Page 6
SCENE 3 INT. FRASIER’S APARTMENT – DAY
FRASIER IS SITTING READING.
DAPHNE COMES THROUGH THE
DOOR AT A PACE, FOLLOWED BY
EDDY AND MARTIN, WHO IS
GLARING.
FRASIER:
Hello Dad, Daphne. I thought you were going to meet
us for lunch.
MARTIN:
We would have done, if someone had been able to
negotiate those revolving doors. (GLARES HARDER
AT DAPHNE)
DAPHNE:
Like I say, back home we drive on the left, not the
right.
MARTIN:
Do you often drive through revolving doors?
DAPHNE:
(REFLECTIVE) Well, my Auntie’s doily-shop did get
ram-raided once. I say “ram-raided”: the milkman left
the hand brake off on the milk cart.
MARTIN:
Really.
Page 7
DAPHNE:
It was like a war zone made from lacy doo-dahs and
gooseberry yoghurt. I still have nightmares.
(SHUDDERS) Ooh, I’m reliving it again. I need a
toffee. (EXIT TO BEDROOM)
FRASIER:
I wonder how they ever lost the Empire.
MARTIN:
I tell ya, Eddy was really embarrassed!
FRASIER:
And yet he’s so candid with fire hydrants.
MARTIN:
Ignore him, Eddy. He’s just jealous. (WAVES A
PIECE OF PAPER AT FRASIER) Anyway, look at
this, Fras.
FRASIER:
What is it, dad?
MARTIN:
My old buddy Frankie’s in town. Left a note for me
with Murray the doorman, wants me to show him the
sights.
Page 8
FRASIER:
And you’d be the perfect guide! What modern
sophisticate could refuse the delights of a long
weekend at McGinty’s? Not to mention the culinary
miracle that is the Old Hoboken Chicken and Ribs
Shack. Mm, the very though is making my mouth
water – not to mention, my arteries harden. Frankie’s
up for a wonderful time, Dad.
MARTIN:
Now, now, Fras. He’s a cultured fella. When we were
in training together, while we were all belching
‘Yankee-Doodle-Dandy’ he’d be doing ‘Tosca’.
FRASIER:
Really? Police methods were so much more colourful
in those days, weren’t they?
MARTIN:
(MUSING) At least, he told us it was ‘Tosca’. It might
have been that Chevy commercial.
MARTIN GETS HIS COAT AND
STARTS TO GO
MARTIN (CONT’D):
Anyway, I’m off the chew the fat with Frankie.
FRASIER:
McGinty’s is serving food now? (MARTIN GRINS
SARCASTICALLY) Before you go, Dad, there’s
something I want to ask. Do you think that if a person
is attracted to someone, there are obvious signs?
Page 9
MARTIN:
Sure! Look what Niles did last week when you
suggested toasting Daphne’s English Muffins.
FRASIER:
He jumped to his feet, raised his sherry glass, and
shouted ‘God! They’re magnificent, aren’t they?’ Yes,
food for thought indeed. (BEAT) I shan’t wait up, Dad.
No doubt you and Frankie will be reliving old beers till
the small hours.
MARTIN:
Ha! Hope so. (BURPS) Mind you, I’ve got some major
acid rising – I’ll have to go easy. Maybe just a couple
of corn-dogs. (BURPS AGAIN AND LEAVES)
FRASIER:
And thank you for sharing.
FRASIER GOES TO THE SHERRY
CABINET AND POURS HIMSELF A
GLASS.
DAPHNE WALKS IN FROM THE
BEDROOM, CARRYING SEVERAL
SEPARATE PILES OF WASHED
UNDERGARMENTS.
SHE NOTICES A PIECE OF LINT ON
FRASIER’S TROUSER BUTTOCK,
AND TRIES TO BALANCE THE
BASKET ON ONE ARM, USING THE
OTHER TO PICK THE LINT OFF.
AS SHE REACHES FRASIER STARTS
TO WALK AWAY, CAUSING HER TO
REACH FURTHER, OVER-BALANCE
AND THROW HER ARMS AROUND
FRASIER TO REMAIN UPRIGHT. THE
WASHING GOES EVERYWHERE.
Page 10
FRASIER:
Daphne?
DAPHNE:
(STILL WITH TOFFEE SO TALKING IS MUFFLED)
Dr Crane! (GIGGLES) It looks like I’ve fallen for you.
FRASIER:
What on earth are you doing?
DAPHNE:
Well, I was just bringing the washing through, and
there was something about your buttock which caught
my eye.
FRASIER IS OPEN-MOUTHED
DAPHNE (CONT’D):
And you know how it is when you see something, and
you just have to… grasp it?
FRASIER IS EVEN MORE OPENMOUTHED
DAPHNE (CONT’D):
So, I made a grab. Only, you being you, you made it
impossible for me to just go for your buttock: I had to
throw my arms around you. And here we are.
(NOTICES WASHING STREWN ON THE FLOOR)
Oh, Dr Crane. You’ve got me all jumbled in the
underwear department.
FRASIER, PANICKING, QUICKLY
EXTRICATES HIMSELF AND GOES
TO LEAVE
Page 11
FRASIER:
I really must be going, Daphne. I’ve just remembered,
I need to get… my ear… syringed.
EXITS, LEAVING A STILL GIGGLING
BUT SOMEWHAT BEWILDERED
DAPHNE PICKING UP KNICKERS.
FADE TO:
Page 12
SCENE 4 EXT. OUTSIDE MCGINTY’S – DAY
MARTIN IS WAITING FOR FRANKIE
OUTSIDE MCGINTY’S. FRANKIE
JOGS UP. HE IS A LARGE,
MUSCULAR AND UNKEMPT MAN
ABOUT MARTIN’S AGE.
MARTIN:
Hey, Frankie! Good to see you!
FRANKIE:
Hey, Cranium!
MARTIN:
Pardon me?
FRANKIE:
Cranium! Ya know, like we called you in training, on
account of you being so lah-di-dah smart.
MARTIN:
Oh… yeah… I’d forgotten. Well, my buddies call me
Marty now.
FRANKIE:
That’s cool. Marty.
MARTIN:
So – wanna beer?
FRANKIE:
Sure do… Smarty Marty!
FRANKIE PUSHES STRAIGHT INTO
MCGINTY’S, FOLLOWED BY A
SLIGHTLY CONCERNED MARTIN.
Page 13
SCENE 5 INT. K.A.C.L. PRODUCTION OFFICE –
DAY
ROZ IS DOING THE PAPERWORK. A
PANICKING FRASIER BURSTS
THROUGH THE DOOR.
FRASIER:
Roz! Roz! You were right!
ROZ:
(NOT LOOKING UP) Of course I was. I usually am.
About what, by the way?
FRASIER:
The signs! The signs that women give when they’re
attracted to someone.
ROZ:
(NOW INTERESTED) That’s ‘people’, Frasier, not
women. You men aren’t as perplexing as you think
you are.
FRASIER:
Most men, no. I believe, however, that I am somewhat
inscrutable.
ROZ:
Which is why you never get scruted. Women can see
right through you.
Page 14
FRASIER:
No, I… (REALISES HE’S ABOUT TO LOSE) That’s
not the point. The point is, you were right about the
signs. I’ve seen them! She showed them to me!
(BEAT) It’s lucky I got out before she showed me
anything else! Roz, you were right about them down
to the last detail.
ROZ:
Well, I am something of an expert in the field.
FRASIER:
And the stationery cupboard. And the back of an ’88
Chevrolet, if the graffiti are correct.
ROZ:
Hey! It's not, okay? (OFF HIS LOOK) It was a ’93.
(BEAT) So, who’s the lucky girl?
FRASIER SITS, WEIGHED DOWN
WITH WORRY
FRASIER:
Oh, what am I going to do?
ROZ:
Who with? Who to? Who… on?
FRASIER:
Well Daphne, of course. Signs? Ha! She showed me
the signs, transcribed them for me, set them to music
and performed them as an aria. (OMINOUS) And then
she tried to get me to read them in Braille.
ROZ:
Go Daphne! I mean, what did that trollop do to you?
Page 15
FRASIER:
She walked into the room, took one look at my…
nadir, and threw herself at me. (THINKS ABOUT IT)
Well, she’s only human. (BEAT) But it can never be. I
shall have to let her down gently.
ROZ:
Nah. She wants you, she’ll get you.
FRASIER:
Really, Roz. I don’t think I’m as easily swayed as all
that.
ROZ:
(LAUGHS) Sure, Frasier. Men decide who they go
with. That’s a good one.
FRASIER:
Well, attraction has to be mutual, Roz.
ROZ:
Sure. And if a girl decides it is, it is.
FRASIER:
Are you saying that a woman can entrap any man she
desires, and the man has no volition at all?
ROZ:
I’d never say that…
FRASIER:
I should think not.
ROZ:
…when “well, duh!” covers it.
Page 16
FRASIER:
You cannot be serious!
ROZ:
Listen, Frasier, if Daphne really wants you, she’ll get
you with one nice word about your suit. Trust me.
FRASIER:
I’ll have you know I’m not so easily led. If Daphne and
I get involved, it’ll be on my terms.
ROZ:
Absolutely. Just as soon as she tells you what they
are. But you’ve got to be careful, Frasier. A romance
with someone who works for you, that could be really
difficult.
FRASIER:
You think I don’t know that? Daphne’s a wonderful
person – attractive, intelligent, and with that quaint
old-world charm of the English…
ROZ:
Yes, I’ve given her the number of my orthodontist.
FRASIER:
…and of course in me she sees a more than perfect
match. What woman wouldn’t?
ROZ STARTS TO OPEN HER MOUTH,
BUT FRASIER WAVES HER
COMMENTS ASIDE
Page 17
FRASIER (CONT’D):
But Daphne and I? Could we ever have feelings for
each other? (BEAT) No, it’s been left too late. If
anything were going to be done, it should have been
done years ago.
ROZ:
You mean, you’ve shared a house so long you can
only see her as a friend?
FRASIER:
Actually, I was referring to the orthodonty.
FADE TO:
Page 18
BLACK SCREEN WITH CAPTION: “DE
FRASIER IS NOT A RIVER IN EGYPT”
FADE IN TO:
DAPHNE IS STILL PICKING UP
ESCAPED UNDERWEAR.
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
DAPHNE:
Daphne, would you get that? Oh, if I must.
DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR TO
NILES
DAPHNE (CONT’D):
Hello, Dr Crane.
NILES:
Hello, Daphne. Is Frasier around?
DAPHNE:
No, he ran out half an hour ago. I must say, he was in
a funny mood.
NILES:
Really? How so?
DAPHNE:
Well, he got terribly excited when I found some lint on
his pants.
NILES:
Ah. Ever the proud fashionista.
Page 19
DAPHNE:
And then I fell on top of him, of course.
NILES IS SUDDENLY STRUCK BY
THIS IMAGE
DAPHNE (CONT’D):
He took one look at me lying there, lacy underthings
akimbo, and left! Honestly, someone needs to have a
long talk with your brother.
NILES:
(BOTH JEALOUS AND TURNED ON) Oh, I shall,
believe me!
DAPHNE:
Anyway, shall I tell him you called?
DAPHNE TURNS AWAY TO
CONTINUE WITH THE WASHING
NILES:
No, no need.
AFTER A LINGERING LOOK AT
DAPHNE’S REAR VIEW NILES TURNS
TO GO.
HE SUDDENLY REALISES HE IS
ALONE WITH DAPHNE – THIS IS HIS
CHANCE.
NILES (CONT’D):
Daphne… there’s something I’ve been meaning to
ask you…
DAPHNE:
Yes, Dr Crane?
Page 20
NILES:
How would you feel if I told you… that… I mean…
DAPHNE:
(TURNS TO FACE HIM) You’ll have to hurry up, Dr
Crane; I’ve got a load of hot and steamy knickers
waiting for me in the laundry room.
NILES:
Strangely, that doesn’t make it any easier. Daphne…
have you ever had… an admirer?
DAPHNE:
Oh, yes! What girl hasn’t?
NILES:
Well, Lilith till she met Frasier. (THINKS ABOUT IT)
She did have a couple of official observers, as I
remember, but I think one might have been a placebo.
DAPHNE:
Dr Crane…
NILES:
Sorry! Sorry! What I mean is, Daphne, you do have
an admirer. An admirer who spends a not
inconsiderable amount of time in this very apartment.
DAPHNE:
Really? Is it that air-conditioning engineer?
NILES:
No, no…
Page 21
DAPHNE:
Pity.
NILES:
Think closer to home. Think... family. (SEES
DAPHNE'S FACE AND REALISES WHAT HE'S
SAID) No, no, no, don't think that.
DAPHNE:
Thank goodness!
NILES:
All right, let’s try this another way. Daphne, let’s say I
have… a friend.
DAPHNE:
Of course you do. Probably more than one.
NILES:
And this… friend… has a problem. He’s in love.
DAPHNE:
Really? Who with?
NILES:
Well, if we’re strictly following the rules of metaphor,
we’ll have to say he’s in love with your friend.
DAPHNE:
My friend? Which one.
NILES:
It’s not important.
Page 22
DAPHNE:
Only, I doubt it’s Janice, because of her awful wind
problem.
NILES:
It really doesn’t matter which friend.
DAPHNE:
And Hermione’s a lesbian, so he’d be on a hiding to
nothing with her…
NILES:
I’m not talking about a real friend!
DAPHNE:
Not a real friend? Has someone been gossiping about
me behind my back?
NILES:
Forget your friends, Daphne.
DAPHNE:
Well, if they’re gossiping about me, I certainly will.
NILES:
No, no, no. This is all going horribly wrong. (SHAKES
HEAD TO CLEAR IT AND STARTS AGAIN) Daphne,
would you ever consider dating... a Crane?
DAPHNE:
Whatever do you mean? (REALISES SOMETHING
AND SITS DOWN IN SHOCK) No!
NILES:
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Page 23
NILES SITS BESIDE DAPHNE IN A
WAY HE THINKS IS COQUETTISH,
AND TRIES TO TAKE HER HAND
DAPHNE:
Frasier's in love with me?
NILES:
Yea... No! That's not what I meant!
DAPHNE:
Oh, don't try to cover up for your brother, Dr Crane.
It's only to be expected.
NILES:
But...
DAPHNE:
Living side by side, cheek by jowl, sooner or later it
was bound to happen. Though I never thought he'd
be so shy that he had to ask you to do his courting for
him, Dr Crane. Dr Crane? You’ve gone all red. Are
you getting a virus?
NILES:
Sorry, I was just thinking of Frasier's jowl beside
your... cheek. (GETTING ALL ANGRY AGAIN) The
brigand! Wait till I lay my hands on him!
NILES GETS UP AND LEAVES IN A
LATHER OF WILLOWY PASSION.
FADE TO:
Page 24
SCENE 7 INT. MCGINTY'S – DAY
MARTIN HAS A HALF-DRUNK BEER
IN FRONT OF HIM. FRANKIE HOLDS
A NEARLY-FINISHED BEER, AND IN
FRONT OF HIM THERE ARE TWO
EMPTY GLASSES. HE FINISHES HIS
GLASS.
FRANKIE:
Ah! Wanna 'nother?
MARTIN:
(OBVIOUSLY A BIT FED UP) Still on this one,
thanks.
FRANKIE:
Gee! You turning into a girl, Marty?
MARTIN:
No, I just like to enjoy my beer these days.
FRANKIE:
Ooh! Listen to smarty-Marty! Likes to enjoy his beer!
You gonna spit it out, too, like in those fancy wine
tasting places?
MARTIN:
Now, when have you ever seen me in one of those
places?
FRANKIE:
You was always going for the high life, Cranium.
Listening to your fancy music…
Page 25
MARTIN:
Sinatra?
FRANKIE:
Nah, the other one.
MARTIN:
Lawrence Whelk?!
FRANKIE:
That’s her. Your fancy music, your fancy clothes…
MARTIN:
(REMINISCING) Yeah, I was the first one in the
squad to wear polyester…
FRANKIE:
Face it, Smarty, you always was a cut above the rest
of us. Cultured.
MARTIN:
Is that what you all thought? I was just one of the
regular guys.
FRANKIE:
Ha! Yeah, if it makes you feel better.
MARTIN:
Look, I’ve had enough of this. It’s been nice seeing
you again, Frankie, but this regular guy is now going
back to his regular old chair for a regular Ballantine.
MARTIN GETS UP AND HEADS FOR
THE DOOR.
Page 26
FRANKIE:
I hope I don’t have to wait too long till you’re back
here and ready to go again.
MARTIN TURNS BACK, HOPEFUL
THAT SOMETHING CAN BE
SALVAGED
MARTIN:
Yeah? That’s nice of you to say, Frankie.
FRANKIE:
You still here, Cranium? I was talking to my beer
glass.
MARTIN GIVES UP AND LEAVES.
FADE TO:
Page 27
DAPHNE SITS ON THE SOFA,
CONCERNED ABOUT THE TURN OF
EVENTS.
MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE
FRONT DOOR.
MARTIN:
Was Niles here earlier?
DAPHNE:
Yes. Why?
MARTIN:
Well, Murray the doorman says this guy left who
looked like Niles, and said a whole load of stuff he
didn’t understand, so he talked like Niles, but he
was…
DAPHNE:
Go on?
MARTIN:
Macho.
MARTIN AND DAPHNE
CONTEMPLATE THIS FOR A BEAT.
MARTIN / DAPHNE (TOGETHER):
Nah. Couldn’t have been. / Definitely a virus.
DAPHNE:
So, how was your afternoon with Frankie?
MARTIN:
I don’t wanna talk about it.
Page 28
DAPHNE:
That bad?
MARTIN:
The guy’s nothing like I remember him. He drinks, he
curses, he belches…
DAPHNE:
And yet somehow he’s not like your other buddies?
MARTIN:
That is how he’s not like my other buddies. Frankie
used to be a gentleman. If we double dated, he’d
always insist that the ladies got first swig of the beer.
And then he’d be the epitome of chivalry: “So, ladies,
your choice,” he’d say. “What’s it to be? Front seat, or
back?”
DAPHNE:
Practically royalty.
MARTIN:
And he keeps telling me I’m not who I am. He keeps
telling me I’m (MUTTERS SOMETHING)
DAPHNE:
Pardon?
MARTIN MUTTERS AGAIN
DAPHNE (CONT’D):
Sorry, Mr Crane, I can’t understand you.
MARTIN:
He keeps telling me I’m cultured. (SHUDDERS)
Geez, Daph. Do you think it is me?
Page 29
DAPHNE:
What do you mean?
MARTIN:
Well, perhaps he hasn’t changed. Perhaps I’ve
changed, and never realised.
DAPHNE:
Wouldn’t surprise me. Today’s been a day for surprise
revelations. But listen, Mr Crane, Frankie was your
chum all through training. You can’t let that slip away,
no matter how much things have changed.
MARTIN:
No, I guess not.
DAPHNE:
Give him another chance. Go find him, make it a
weekend to remember.
MARTIN:
Yeah. Yeah, I guess you’re right. (HEADS BACK FOR
DOOR) You and Frasier won’t mind being left alone
here for the evening, will you? (EXITS)
DAPHNE:
(CALLING AFTER HIM AS HE LEAVES) No, we’ll be
fine on our own. Just me… and Frasier… alone in this
apartment together… Oh God!
DAPHNE GRABS A COAT AND
HEADS FOR THE DOOR TOO.
Page 30
DAPHNE (CONT’D):
(CALLING) Eddy! I’m just off out for… an
emergency… ear syringing. When Dr Crane gets
back, cook him the veal. And if you see any lint on his
pants, for goodness sake leave it there.
SHE LEAVES.
FADE TO:
Page 31
SCENE 9 EXT. OUTSIDE MCGINTY’S – DAY
FRANKIE IS NOW WAITING FOR
MARTIN, WHO SOON ARRIVES.
FRANKIE:
There you are, Marty. I came outside to wait as soon
as I got your call. (BEAT) That’s two beers you owe
me.
MARTIN:
Two beers? I was ten minutes away!
FRANKIE:
You’re right. Make it three.
MARTIN:ORTH
Listen, Frankie, you're not here long. What say we
see a bit of the city rather than spend all day in a bar?
FRANKIE:
Hm. Radical. What you got in mind?
MARTIN:
Well, there’s the Space Needle, and the King Dome,
and…
FRANKIE:
Nah! I don’t wanna see that tourist stuff. Ain’t there
something more refined?
MARTIN:
Well, I don’t know. There’s a couple of art galleries
the boys have made me go to.
Page 32
FRANKIE:
Art galleries? See, that’s you all over, Cranium. I say
“refined” and you take it to extremes.
MARTIN:
Now, listen here, mister. There happens to be some
great art in our galleries. We may not be Chicago or
New York…
FRANKIE:
Or Des Moines.
MARTIN:
Hey, we’re way ahead of Des Moines. You oughtta
know that the Seattle Art Museum has a major
retrospective of fifteenth century Italian art going on at
the moment! (LISTENS TO WHAT HE HAS JUST
SAID AND CAN’T BELIEVE HIMSELF)
FRANKIE:
Yeah? Well, Smarty Marty, I thought we might take in
a show at the local boobarama, and have a few
beers. But if you think fifteenth century Aye-talian
paintings are where it’s at, the Seattle Art Museum it
is. (HEADS OFF) You coming?
MARTIN:
Hey! Wait up! (FOLLOWS FRANKIE QUICKLY)
FRANKIE:
(GOING OFF) So, these Aye-talian paintings, are they
ones where the broads don’t wear brassieres…?
FADE TO:
Page 33
FRASIER SITS AT A TABLE TOYING
WITH A COFFEE AND ABSENTLY
DOODLING ON A PAD.
AFTER A BRIEF STRUGGLE, DAPHNE
PUSHES THROUGH THE REVOLVING
DOOR AND GOES TO SIT AT A
TABLE BESIDE FRASIER. SHE
HASN’T NOTICED HIM.
FRASIER:
(TO HIMSELF) Oh no! (FACING REALITY) Hello,
Daphne.
DAPHNE:
(NOTICING HIM) Oh, Dr Crane. What are you doing
here? Aren’t you meant to be at home, having dinner?
FRASIER:
And aren’t you meant to be at home, making it?
DAPHNE:
Oh. Well. Your dad’s out with his chum Frankie, and I
really didn’t to be left alone in the apartment with…
(REALISES WHAT SHE’S SAYING) …my dumplings.
FRASIER:
Uncanny. My feelings exactly.
DAPHNE:
Dr Crane! My cooking isn’t that bad, surely. My rissole
was a triumph with your father.
FRASIER:
Well, it shut him up for an evening, certainly.
Page 34
DAPHNE:
And your brother can’t get enough of my meringues.
FRASIER:
And ain’t that the truth. I’m sorry, Daphne, I didn’t
mean to criticise your culinary skills.
DAPHNE:
It’s all right, Dr Crane. I understand.
FRASIER:
Whatever do you mean?
DAPHNE:
I’m just an amateur psychologist, obviously, but even I
know that people often lash out at people they…
(AGAIN REALISES WHAT SHE’S SAYING)
…employ.
FRASIER:
Well, I’m a professional psychologist, and I’ve never
heard such utter garbage.
DAPHNE:
See? There you go again.
FRASIER:
I didn’t mean… listen, Daphne, I think there’s
something we need to get straight between us.
DAPHNE:
Yes, you sit there in that lovely Armani suit, looking
every inch the handsome man about town…
Page 35
FRASIER:
Daphne, I don’t think… really? Handsome? You think
the suit does something for me?
DAPHNE:
Oh yes, it’s very suave. (STARTS TO WEEP)
FRASIER:
Well, thank you. (NOTICES DAPHNE) Daphne, what
is it?
DAPHNE:
It’s just… you’re so nice… and yet you think my
cooking…
FRASIER PUTS HIS ARM AROUND
DAPHNE TO COMFORT HER.
FRASIER:
There, there. Don’t take on so. Look, you’re getting
tears in your hair…
IN A ROMANTIC MOVE FRASIER
BRUSHES DAPHNE’S HAIR OUT OF
HER EYES. DAPHNE PLACE’S HER
HEAD ON FRASIER’S SHOULDER,
INADVERTENTLY PLACING IT SUCH
THAT THEIR CHEEKS ARE
TOUCHING. THEIR MOUTHS ARE
NEARLY CLOSE ENOUGH FOR THEM
TO KISS.
FRASIER (CONT’D):
Come on. Dry your eyes. A girl with such exquisite
taste as you shouldn’t be crying. Ha! You know, I
never knew you appreciated Armani suits.
(REMEMBERS ROZ’S WORDS) The suit!
Page 36
DAPHNE:
My cheek… your (LOOKS AT IT) jowl… oh my God!
BOTH SIT STOCK STILL IN EXACTLY
THE SAME POSITION, BUT THEIR
EXPRESSIONS CHANGE TO
HORROR.
FADE TO:
Page 37
SCENE 11 EXT. OUTSIDE THE SEATTLE ART
MUSEUM – DAY
A SECURITY GUARD THROWS
MARTIN AND FRANKIE OUT.
MARTIN:
Well, I hope you’re satisfied.
FRANKIE:
Me? It was you got us thrown out!
MARTIN:
Me?!
FRANKIE:
Yeah. If you hadn’t made me look at Aye-talian
broads with no brassieres, I wouldn’t have wanted to
touch.
MARTIN:
Sheesh! Couldn’t you just look at a painting without
groping it? Or saying, ‘Wow! Aye-talian bazongas’ at
every single one? And couldn’t you, just for me, have
stopped yourself trying to draw extra breasts on that
last one?
FRANKIE:
She was very flat-chested.
MARTIN:
She was Pope Pious the Fourteenth! Geez, Frankie,
can’t you just stand back and listen to what the
painting is trying to say?
Page 38
FRANKIE:
There’s one hundred fifteen Aye-talian paintings in
there, and you know what they’re all saying to me?
MARTIN:
What?
FRANKIE:
Hubba-hubba!
MARTIN:
Listen, I’ve had it. I’ll be seeing you, Frankie.
CUT TO:
Page 39
SCENE 12 EXT. OUTSIDE THE SEATTLE ART
MUSEUM (CONTINUOUS) – DAY
MARTIN WALKING AWAY FROM
FRANKIE.
P.O.V. OVER MARTIN’S SHOULDER
AT FRANKIE, BEHIND; BUT ALSO
SHOWING MARTIN’S FACE.
WE SEE FRANKIE YELLING AND
MARTIN’S REACTION, WHICH GOES
FROM DISTASTE, THROUGH
DETERMINATION, TO MOUNTING
HORROR AS HE REALISES WHAT
FRANKIE IS SAYING MAY BE TRUE.
FRANKIE:
You know what you are, Cranium? A snob! A beer
with the guys, that’s not enough: you gotta look at art.
And I’ll bet you started going to opera, too, aintcha?
You didn’t want to, but someone made you, and now
you secretly enjoy it. You know what you’ve turned
into, Smarty Marty? One of those guys we used to
laugh at. You know, the tall, pasty, bald ones that
drink sherry and eat at fancy French restaurants, and
don’t understand sports, and always use long
words…
MARTIN BREAKS INTO A RUN
FADE TO:
Page 40
MARTIN RUNS IN TO THE
APARTMENT IN A STATE OF
SHOCKED HORROR. HE GOES
STRAIGHT TO THE SHERRY
CABINET, POURS HIMSELF A
SHERRY AND DOWNS IT IN ONE.
MARTIN:
Ah! (RELAXES. BEAT. LOOKS AT THE GLASS)
Sherry? I hate sherry!
IN MOUNTING HORROR MARTIN
REALISES THAT HE IS TURNING
INTO FRASIER. HE CONVEYS THIS
WITH A HORRIFIED GRIMACE, AND A
HITCHCOCKIAN FAST ZOOM-IN TO
HIS FACE. APPROPRIATE PSYCHOSHOWER-SCENE STYLE VIOLIN
CHORDS OVER.
CUT TO:
Page 41
FRASIER’S FACE FILLS THE SCREEN
EXACTLY AS MARTIN’S DID IN THE
PREVIOUS SCENE, WITH THE SAME
HORRIFIED LOOK. IN FACT, THIS IS
EXACTLY THE SAME LOOK AS THE
LAST TIME WE SAW HIM.
CUT TO:
Page 42
(CONTINUOUS)
FRASIER AND DAPHNE ARE STILL
SITTING SIDE BY SIDE, EXACTLY AS
WE LEFT THEM. BOTH ARE
HORRIFIED, STOCK STILL,
NERVOUS.
THEY SLOWLY MOVE APART.
PAUSE.
FRASIER:
We need to talk, Daphne.
DAPHNE:
Yes, Dr Crane, I think we do.
FRASIER:
Of course, it’s only natural that you should be drawn
to the Alpha Male in the social group…
DAPHNE:
Oh, my feelings for your father are entirely
professional.
FRASIER:
Not my father.
DAPHNE:
(VISIBLY TRYING TO WORK OUT WHO IT IS)
...Eddy?
FRASIER:
Me, dammit, me! Look, we’re both going to have to
cope with this. There’s going to be some regret…
Page 43
DAPHNE:
Oh, I know. But you’ll get over it, after a while.
FRASIER:
Yes… I’ll get over it?
DAPHNE:
You’re a man, you have your needs. But we can
never be together.
FRASIER:
The only need I have at the moment is for a good
Armagnac. Daphne, you’re obviously disappointed,
but this transference…
DAPHNE:
Oh, don’t come your psychobabble with me. You’ve
been dumped, deal with it.
FRASIER:
I’ve been dumped? No, young lady, you’ve been
dumped!
DAPHNE:
Me? I never had a thing for you…
FRASIER:
Well, I didn’t have a thing for you.
DAPHNE:
Good.
FRASIER:
Good.
Page 44
DAPHNE:
Good.
FRASIER:
What on earth made you think I was attracted to you?
DAPHNE:
Your brother told me you fancied me. Well, he said I
had an admirer who was a Crane, anyway. (LOOKS
CONFUSED) Perhaps he meant Lilith.
FRASIER:
Ah. I think I see now.
DAPHNE:
So, why did you think I fancied you?
FRASIER:
You jumped on me.
DAPHNE:
I was trying to get lint off your pants.
FRASIER:
You said… I’d got you jumbled in the underwear
department.
DAPHNE:
I meant the washing! Honestly, men have minds like a
Nebraskan railway: one-tracked and dirty. (GETS UP
TO LEAVE) How on earth could you think I was
attracted to you based on that? (EXIT)
Page 45
FRASIER:
Well, I wasn’t attracted to you either, remember!
(CALLS AFTER HER) At least admit you ‘fancied’ my
suit!
FRASIER FOLLOWS DAPHNE OUT
THROUGH THE REVOLVING DOOR.
AS HE DOES SO NILES ENTERS
THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE. HE IS
OBVIOUSLY STILL ANGRY, AND HAS
HIS TIE TIED AROUND HIS HEAD IN A
RAMBO STYLEE.
NILES:
(DEEP, MACHO VOICE) Where… is… my…
brother…?
FADE TO:
Page 46
BLACK SCREEN WITH CAPTION:
“FRANKIE, REMEMBER ME”
THE SONG “FRANKIE, REMEMBER
ME” BY SISTER SLEDGE STARTS TO
PLAY. IT CONTINUES OVER THE
ENSUING SCENE, REPLACING THE
SCENE’S ACTUAL SOUNDTRACK
FADE IN TO:
MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR,
STOCK STILL AND LOOKING DAZED.
EDDY BRINGS A BEER IN FROM THE
KITCHEN FOR HIM, AND PLACES IT
ON THE TABLE BESIDE HIM. MARTIN
DOES NOT MOVE.
THE FOLLOWING EVENTS OCCUR IN
QUICK SUCCESSION:
FRASIER AND DAPHNE COME IN
THROUGH THE DOOR, AND MOVE
BEHIND MARTIN. THEY ARE STILL
ARGUING – LOTS OF ARM WAVING
AND POINTING AT FRASIER’S SUIT.
THE ARGUMENT ENDS: THEY MAKE
UP AND HUG, AND THEN DAPHNE
EXITS TO THE KITCHEN WHILE
FRASIER POURS A SHERRY.
UNNOTICED, NILES HAS COME
THROUGH THE DOOR AND SEEN
THE HUG. AS FRASIER WALKS BACK
TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM
NILES LAUNCHES HIMSELF IN A
PHYSICAL ATTACK. THE PAIR LAND
UNSEEN BEHIND MARTIN AND THE
SOFA.
DAPHNE COMES BACK FROM THE
KITCHEN, SEES WHAT IS
HAPPENING, AND GOES TO
INTERVENE: SHE IS PULLED DOWN
TOO.
Page 47
THE FIGHT CONTINUES BUT IS ONLY
SEEN AS A SUCCESSION OF ARMS
AND LEGS, AND THE OCCASIONAL
HEAD, RISING ABOVE AND BEHIND
THE SOFA AND MARTIN.
MUSIC FADES DOWN AND SCENE
SOUNDTRACK FADES UP (FIGHT
RELATIVELY QUIET).
PHONE RINGS. MARTIN ABSENTLY
ANSWERS IT, STILL SITTING IN HIS
CHAIR.
MARTIN:
Hello? Frankie. Listen, I don’t wanna talk to you.
(BEAT) You’ve ruined my life, you deadbeat, you
know that? Ruined! I was happy, not knowing, but
now it’s hell. And you know the worst bit? I’ll never be
able to go to the Seattle Art Museum again. (HE
REALISES WHAT HE’S SAID) I’ll never… be able to
go… to the Seattle Art Museum... (BEAT – A SMILE)
... again!
MARTIN SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN,
AND GRINS. HE IS BACK TO
HIMSELF.
MARTIN (CONT’D):
Ha! Thanks, Frankie, I owe ya!
MARTIN OPENS HIS BEER AND
DRINKS.
NILES’S HEAD APPEARS OVER THE
SOFA AND LOOKS AT HIS FATHER IN
WONDER.
FRASIER’S HAND RISES TO PULL
NILES BACK DOWN AGAIN, AS WE…
FADE OUT.
Page 48
(CLOSING CREDITS)
CLOSING MUSIC AND CREDITS LIST,
OVER.
ROZ IS SITTING AT THE USUAL
TABLE IN CAFÉ NERVOSA. THE
REVOLVING DOORS HAVE BEEN
REPLACED BY WESTERN-STYLE
SWING DOORS, AS SUGGESTED BY
NILES IN SCENE 2.
A HUNKY, HISPANIC WORKMAN
COMES THROUGH THE SWING
DOORS: HE IS NOTICED BY ROZ,
WHO IMMEDIATELY TOUCHES UP
HER MAKE UP.
AS THE WORKMAN PASSES HER
TABLE, ROZ TRIPS HIM WITH HER
FOOT AND USES THE ACT OF
HELPING HIM UP AS AN
INTRODUCTION.
END
Page 49

A sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford

Transcription

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