Untitled - K.M. Lessing

“K.M. Lessing continues the story of her bizarre relationship with a narcissistic
Persian imam who continually seduces her with his soft speech and overblown
compliments even as he continues to play the role of a holy cleric of Islam.
The reader will possibly find the author’s inclusion of his every voicemail and their
continued verbatim phone conversations repetitive—but that is precisely the point.
This is part of the reality of any relationship with a narcissist, especially one who
plays the role of a cleric in Islam as K. M. Lessing makes plain in her descriptions of
his behavior as opposed to the promises and flattery she is inundated with in every
conversation.
She reveals plainly the smoke and mirrors aspect of such a relationship, the sliding
around the truth of anything with distractive comments about other subjects or of
accusations of a lack of some attribute on her part.
She says it quite plainly many times—‘continued his blizzard of romantic words as if
this were the most normal thing in the world’—and this brilliant summing up of the
imam’s mentality: he could not be trusted because ‘he never operated in the truth.’
The blunt honesty of thinking put into words is what gives this book substance.
This is truth-telling about a mentality and about her inability to walk away for good
because of his ability to dissemble about his real intentions in a cloak of promises
and honeyed words.
The leechlike characteristics of such an involvement are plainly discerned—she
cannot get rid of him—he keeps inundating her with phone calls, entreaties for
continuance of their interactions ad infinitum. He will not take no for an answer,
no matter how much she wants him gone.
The lessons inherent in this second book are worth heeding and remembering.
Narcissists are everywhere. The pattern is always the same—all for him and nothing
for anyone else.”
- Cassandra, author of Escape! From an Arab Marriage: Horror Stories of Women Who Fled
From Abusive Muslim Husbands
The Land of Dark
Secrets
K.M. Lessing
Copyright © 2015 Kopfschmerz Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic,
electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information
storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of
brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
A half-wit would know that this book is not intended to provide medical, relationship, legal
or other advice. If such advice is needed, take ownership of your life and seek a
“professional.”
ISBN: 978-0-9863459-3-7
ISBN: 978-0-9863459-4-4
ISBN: 978-0-9863459-5-1
Library of Congress Control Number: 2014922806
Certain stock imagery © istockphoto
Certain stock imagery © 123rf
Cover design by K.M. Lessing.
Website: www.kmlessing.is
Books by K.M. Lessing:
God Has Failed Me, A True Story, Part 1
The Land of Dark Secrets, A True Story, Part 2
Allah Is A Deceiver, A True Story, Part 3
For those who want the truth.
C
ongress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or
prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the
press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the
Government for a redress of grievances.
- The First Amendment to the United States Constitution
F
AIR USE NOTICE: This book contains copyrighted material. Such material
is made available for the purposes of commentary, criticism, and education, and to
advance understanding of human rights, democracy, moral, ethical, social, and
ideological issues. This constitutes a “fair use” of any such copyrighted material as
provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law.
This book was not written for the purposes of entertainment. It was written to tell a
true story. K.M. Lessing is a pseudonym. The characters are authentic; the events
are real. The names have been changed, with one exception, because he is a public
figure.
About the author: K.M. Lessing is an Independent Artist. She worked for too many
miserable years in the corporate world before writing her first books about her
search to find the only thing that really matters in life. As she refuses to suppress the
complexity of emotions and conflict of desires that make her a human being, she is
definitely not very professional.
Acknowledgements: Special thanks to the women who knew my secret and kept it
while I was writing my books. You showed the compassion and understanding that
only comes from someone who has experienced a similar hell.
You are now entering a Politically Incorrect Zone. By turning the page, you
acknowledge that the “right to not be offended” doesn’t exist. If this is not
acceptable to you, close this book and go watch TV instead.
CONTENTS
1
“Death To America”
1
2
The Whore Test
18
3
“You Should Tell Your Wife The Truth!”
46
4
Barbed Wire Wrapped Around My Heart
60
5
A Misanthropist on a Dating Website
80
6
What Happened In His Hotel Room
92
7
A Cauldron of Conflict
114
8
His Blond Secret
155
9
Two Iranian Princes
174
10
Birthday Disappointment
200
11
Idols In Our Hearts
223
12
A Slovenly Soul in the Masjid
238
13
Evil Nail Polish!
248
14
Prince Babak Cleans My House
261
15
The Reluctant Mistress
278
16
A Distressing Can of Worms
292
17
Do You Do It With Your Mouth?
300
18
“Death to Iran”
319
When a trout rising to a fly gets hooked on a line and finds himself unable to swim
about freely, he begins with a fight which results in struggles and splashes and
sometimes an escape. Often, of course, the situation is too tough for him. In the
same way the human being struggles with his environment and with the hooks that
catch him. Sometimes he masters his difficulties; sometimes they are too much for
him. His struggles are all that the world sees and it naturally misunderstands them. It
is hard for a free fish to understand what is happening to a hooked one.
-Karl Menninger
Chapter 1
“Death To America”
March 28, 2013 (Thursday)
The Imam [Khomeini] throughout his life called America “the Great
Satan.” He believed that all the Muslims' problems were caused
by America.1
- Hossein Shariatmadari, Khomeinist
Don’t tell me that you’re reading this book without having read Book 1. If so,
it will make no sense at all that Mahdi, (that’s his nickname; his real name is Abazar
Wahedy—name not changed for the story), the questionable religious leader from
Iran, had told me, “K.M., keep it a secret.” If you want to find out what this big
secret was that I was supposed to keep, Part 1 of this true story, God Has Failed Me,
is available to the world.
I hate rules. “Don’t do this, don’t do that…” The people who make the rules are
almost always breaking them. So why should I follow their silly rules?
This ordeal with The Lying Entity was by far the most bizarre thing that had
happened to me in my life. And that’s really saying something. I felt traumatized. He
obviously still wanted to continue our romantic relationship. He had said, “OK, I
want to start over,” for—the third or fourth time? I had lost track. Every time I
thought I found the truth, things shifted again. I thought that at this point, it was all
pretty ludicrous. Mahdi was married. He was not getting divorced. He was a total
liar. What was the point?
Mahdi texted me:
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K.M. Lessing
Mahdi (12:55 pm): My world would be empty without you
As with the first book in this series, text messages contained here are real,
verbatim texts that Mahdi and I exchanged. I have included as many texts as are
necessary to tell this true story. Text messages have not been edited.
Mahdi continued to pursue me, even after I told him that I knew his real
identity.
Mahdi (1:47 pm): Hi my K.M.
Mahdi (1:47 pm): How are you?
I ignored him.
Mahdi (2:42 pm): Are you ok honey?
Mahdi (2:42 pm): I’m worried
Mahdi (2:42 pm): :(
“Honey?” It was obvious he wanted to continue our romantic relationship in
spite of his “marriage” and the fact that I now knew who he really was. I wasn’t sure
how I felt about this. This whole ordeal was just wrong on so many levels. I didn’t
want a married man. I hadn’t been looking for a married man. If I had known he
was married, I wouldn’t have talked to him in the first place. Ah, but that’s why he
lied, right? He knew no woman would want a married man!
Bastard.
Did he expect me to just be OK with the fact that he was married? Like I was
just supposed to accept that? What about his wife? Didn’t he care about her? I was
confused. Mahdi was Muslim. I didn’t know that much about Islam, but I knew
enough to be aware that what he was doing wasn’t what he was supposed to be
doing…or was it? He would not admit it if I confronted him. He never, ever
admitted that what he was doing was wrong. Instead, he always made me feel like I
was crazy for thinking that!
Still, if he wanted to go against his ideology, that was his business, right? If he
wanted to go against his so-called “marriage,” that was his choice. I wasn’t the one
who was married. I wasn’t the one who was a Muslim leader. I wasn’t the one who
was lying to women on the internet!
I felt a conflict. I still loved him, but I couldn’t trust him. I knew he was very
sick, but did he really love me?
Voicemail from Mahdi 3:40 pm: “Hi K.M., this is Mahdi. I’m so worried about you
because I called you and I text to you but I did not get any response so just let me
know if you are OK or not. Thank you so much. Bye.”
As with the first book in this series, all voicemails are real and have been
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The Land Of Dark Secrets
transcribed verbatim. Voicemails have not been edited.
Would a cold, apathetic person have left a voicemail like that? If he didn’t love
me, surely he would have gone away by now.
Mahdi (8:21 pm): Hi
Mahdi (8:21 pm): How are you?
Mahdi (8:21 pm): ???
I ignored him. I thought to myself: if I ignore him, he will go away and this
ordeal will be over.
March 29, 2013 (Friday)
Our model for female development is essentially a conflict model. We
assume that a woman’s identity is a conflicted self-system of competing
roles, attitudes, and self-assessments. Inherent in her gender identity is a
double-bind conflict about female authority.2
- Polly Young-Eisendrath
I wrote in my journal:
Dear Mahdi, I’m so confused because I thought you really loved me. I thought you really
fell in love with me. The things you said…they seemed so real…
Mahdi (2:32 pm): You mean the world to me
I trusted you. I wanted you to really love me. Now I don’t know if anything you felt for
me was real.
Mahdi (5:57 pm): Hi K.M.
Mahdi (5:57 pm): Are you ok?
Mahdi (5:57 pm): I’m worried :(
Did you ever mean anything you said?
Mahdi (5:57 pm): Why your not answering me?
Mahdi (5:57 pm): ???
Mahdi (5:57 pm): Please just let me know if you are ok inshallah !
Mahdi (5:57 pm): Please
I’m so confused and hurt about you right now. I trusted you…
Mahdi (8:13 pm): :(
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K.M. Lessing
Mahdi (8:13 pm): K.M. ??
Mahdi (8:13 pm): Are you ok?
If I talk to you, you will not listen. You will deny, lie, and re-write. I’m so sad that you
are not the person you pretended to be…
Mahdi (8:54 pm): ???
Mahdi (8:54 pm): I’m sorry
Mahdi (8:54 pm): Do you want to leave me? :(
Mahdi was like Schrödinger’s Cat. He was dead and alive. The Mahdi I knew
had died. And yet he still called me on the phone and texted me. This was not the
person I had fallen in love with. Or was it?
My soulmate who had said we would be together forever, who had said he
wanted to marry me, who had said he was very very very honest…had a wife. Did
he love her? Was she pretty? Did she suspect he was on the internet talking to other
women? How many women was he talking to besides me??
Who did I love? Mahdi? Or who he pretended to be? I was still in love with
someone. And I was hurting, hurting, hurting. What he did to me was so wrong! He
violated my trust. He violated my emotions. He violated my humanity. And he was a
religious leader! How could he do these things? How could he talk and talk and talk
about God and try to use me sexually through lying and emotional manipulation?
What kind of God did he believe in? How could I embrace that God?
Or any God??
March 30, 2013 (Saturday)
Ironically, in the modern era, the act of obtaining intercourse through
material and false misrepresentations, rape by fraud, is only penalized in a few
states. And the act of misleading a person in order to elicit love and
affection, emotional rape, is never penalized at all.3
- J.M. Short
I ignored all of Mahdi’s text messages. I thought, Surely, if I continue to ignore him,
he will go away.
I went and watched one of Mahdi’s internet videos again. And as I was
watching him recite the Quran, in the midst of my anger, sadness, and hurt, I
suddenly felt an unexpected waterfall of compassion. He looked sad in the video, as
he recited…he’s hurting and he wants to be treated like a normal person. In that moment, I
understood that his life was not a normal life…
CEO, VP, PhD, MA, PE, Miss America…people’s titles don’t really mean
anything to me. We’re all human. We all eat, sleep, get sick, and go to the bathroom.
We all die. What’s a title, really? For most people, it’s just a way to inflate their ego.
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The Land Of Dark Secrets
I’m unimpressed with people’s titles. I care more about their personality.
Mahdi’s Islamic titles didn’t really mean anything to me. Sayed, Qari, Hafiz…I
had only recently learned what these meant. And I had never heard of a Maulana or
a Hojjat al-Islam before. It was all Greek to me. Did Mahdi have a lot of status in
the Islamic world? I assumed so, but I saw him as a normal person. And I
understood that I gave him an outlet to live a sort-of normal life. I remembered
some of the things he had said…
“Life is a prison…”
“Before I met you, I didn’t want to live anymore…”
“Sometimes after I recite, people kiss my hand, but I don’t like it…sometimes at night I
cry because I wish I was the person they think I am…”
I felt sadness for Mahdi. I didn’t want to abandon him to his lonely life. After
all, surely I meant something to him if he was still texting me after all that had
happened:
Mahdi (4:49 am): Hi
Mahdi (4:49 am): How are you?
I had not texted him in two days and still he persisted. Surely if he had just
wanted sex, he would have gone away by now. After all, he wasn’t getting any sex
from me. Nor sexting, nor phone sex, nor anything other than talking.
Mahdi (12:06 pm): Hi. K.M.
Mahdi (12:06 pm): How are you?
Mahdi (12:06 pm): I’m so worried
Mahdi (12:06 pm): Please answer me
But I would never be able to trust him again! He had lied so much and I had
seen his true nature. What kind of a relationship could exist with such a person as
him?
Mahdi (12:06 pm): I’m dying
Mahdi (12:06 pm): Please
Did he love me? That was my only question. And love shouldn’t be this
confusing. If I could have determined that I meant absolutely nothing to him, I
would have left. But he continued to pursue me…
Mahdi (12:14 pm): Please
Mahdi (12:14 pm): What happened?
Mahdi (1:24 pm): ?
5
To continue reading, please purchase The Land Of Dark Secrets.