Spring 2 - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

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Bro. 867530NoZe Bro. A NoSe Bro. African AmericaNoZe Bro. After NoSe Bro. AgNoZetic Bro. Al PaciNoZE Bro. Aladdin NoSe Bro. Ant NoSe Bro. AntebellumNoZe Bro. Aqua
Velva NoSe Bro. Archer NoSe Bro. AristophaNoZe Bro. Ark NoSe Bro. Babble On NoZe Bro. Baby NoSe Bro. Back NoSe Bro. Bad Joke And A Beer NoZe Bro. Ball NoZe Bro.
BarNoZe and Bailey Bro. Base NoSe Bro. Bat NoSe Bro. Bro. Bath NoSe Bro. Bee NoZe Bro. Beer NoSe Bro. Beetle NoSe Bro. Benedict ArNoZe Bro. Bear NoZecessities (Bored
of Graft) Bro. Berry NoSe Bro. Big NoSe Bro. Bilbo BaggiNoZe Bro. Bland NoSe Bro. Blivit NoSe Bro. Bloody NoZe Bro. Blow NoSe Bro. Blue NoSe Bro. Bob GuccioNoZe Bro.
BoNoZe Bro. Booth NoSe Bro. Brann NoZe Bro. Bridey NoSe Bro. Bring In Da NoZe, Bring In Da Funk Bro. Briscoe NoZe Bro. Brooding NoZe Bro. Brown NoZe Bro. Brush
NoSe Bro. Buck NoSe Bro. Bucker NoSE Bro. Bull NoSe Bro. Burlington NoZe Factory (Lorde Mayor) Bro. Bump NoSe Bro. Bungle NoSe Bro. Bunion NoSe Bro. Burd NoSe Bro.
Buster NoSe Bro. C20H25N3oZe Bro. Calculus NoSe Bro. Calf NoZe Bro. Call NoSe Bro. Calvin NoZe Bro. Can You Spare a NoZe? Bro. Candid NoSe Bro. CanNoZebus Bro. Cap’n
Crunchy NoZe Bro. CappuciNoZe Bro. Casa NoZe Bro. Cash NoSe Bro. Cato NoSe Bro. CBS Evening NoZe Bro. Ceiling NoSe Bro. Chap NoSe Bro. Charles K. PoNozi Bro.
Chaven NoSe Bro. Cherry NoSe Bro. Church NoSe Bro. Cod NoSe Bro. Code NoSe Bro. Companion NoSe Bro. ConcubiNoZe Bro. Conk NoSe Bro. CoNoZe The Barbarian Bro.
Coon NoSe Bro. Coral NoSe Bro. Cork NoSe Bro. Corn NoSe Bro. Corner NoSe Bro. CoroNoZe Bro. County NoSe Bro. Cow NoSe Bro. Coyote NoZe Bro. Crack NoSe Bro.
Cracker NoSe Bro. Crow NoSe Bro. Crown NoSe Bro. Crusoe NoSe Bro. Crystal NoSe Bro. Cup NoSe Bro. Cur NoSe Bro. Cured NoSe Bro. CyraNoZe Bro. DavidiaNoZe Bro.
Day NoSe Bro. DecibelNoZe Bro. DeepNoSe Bro. DeoxyribonucleioNoZe Bro. Desi ArNoZe Bro. DestructoNoZe Bro. DomiNoZe Bro. Don CorleoNoZe Bro. Dong NoSe Bro.
Dos CusaNoZe Bro. Dough NoSe Bro. Draft NoSe Bro. DraNoZe Bro. Droog NoZe Bro. Duck NoSe Bro. Dude NoSe Bro. Dull NoSe Bro. Durham NoSe Bro. DyNoZemite Bro.
EcoNoZe Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe (Cunning Linguist) Bro. Egg NoSe Bro. El CamiNoZe Bro. Elmo NoZe Bro. EmiliaNoZe Zapata Bro. ENoZe Bro. EpicureaNoZe Bro. ErNoZeto
Guevara Bro. EskiNoZe Bro. Eurp NoSe Bro. Ever NoSe Bro. Excuse NoSe Bro. ExhibitioNoZe Bro. FahrvergNoZen Bro. Fame NoSe Bro. Family NoSe Bro. Father KNoZe Best
Bro. Fearless NoSe Bro. Fidget NoZe Bro. FinkelsteiNoZe Bro. Fish NoZe Bro. Flat NoSe Bro. Flivver NoSe Bro. FortuNoZe Bro. Forty Acres And A Mule NoZe Bro. Freckled
NoSe Bro. Freebase NoZe Bro. Friendly NoZe Bro. Funky Cold MediNoZe Bro. Fur NoZe Bro. Fuzzy NoSe Bro. GalapaNoZe Bro. Gale NoSe Bro. Gawd NoZe Bro. GemiNoZe
Bro. General NoSe Bro. Gin NoSe Bro. GlasNoZet Bro. God Only NoZe Bro. Grab NoSe Bro. Grass NoSe Bro. Greazy NoSe Bro. GuaNoZe Bro. GuillotiNoZe Bro. Gulp NoSe
Bro. Gum NoSe Bro. Gyp NoSe Bro. Had NoSe Bro. Hair NoSe Bro. Hairette NoSe Bro. Half NoSe Bro. Hammer NoSe Bro. Hard NoZe Bro. Hare KrishNoZe Bro. HeatheNoZe
Bro. Heavenly Knowns NoSe Bro. HEB BagNoZe Bro. HedoNoZe Bro. Hen NoSe Bro. Hisey NoSe Bro. Hissy NoSe Bro. No Chi MihNoZe Bro. Hog NoSe Bro. HomogeNoZe
Bro. Honey NoSe Bro. Hooch NoSe Bro. Hook NoSe Bro. Hot NoSe Bro. Hoze NoZe Bro. Huey P. NoZeton Bro. Hub NoSe Bro. Hustle NoSe Bro. I Don’t NoZe But I’ve Been Told
(Keko Keeper of the Shekels) Bro. I Know, I NoZe Bro. IgNoZetius Reilly Bro. IguaNoZe Bro. InferNoZe Bro. InNoZence, Dean of Dirty Tricks Bro. INoZebriated Bro. Jack NoSe
Bro. Jacki O. NoZe Bro. JaNoZe Jameson Bro. JapaNoZe Bro. Jehova NoZe Bro. Jerk NoSe Bro. Jesus of NoZerath Bro. Johnny on the NoZe Bro. Jones NoSe Bro. Jug NoSe Bro.
Juice NoSe Bro. Just Say NoZe Bro. JuveNoZe Bro. Keiser NoZe Bro. KilltroNoZe Bro. KimoNoZe Bro. King NoSe Bro. Kiss NoSe Bro. Klepto NoZe Bro. Kosher NoZe Bro.
Laddie NoSe Bro. Lady NoSe Bro. Law NoSe Bro. Leaky NoSe Bro. LeNoZeard Peltier Bro. LibertiNoZe Bro. Libido NoZe Bro. LiebNoZe Bro. LiederNoZe Bro. Life Ain’t Easy for
a Boy Named NoZe (Bored of Graft) Bro. Ligett NoSe Bro. Limber NoSe Bro. Lock NoSe Bro. Long Day’s Journey into the NoZe Bro. Long NoSe Bro. Lord NoSe Bro. Los NoZeos
De Baylor Bro. Lover NoSe Bro. Lovin NoSe Bro. Lucy NoSe Bro. Lumber NoSe Bro. MachunkNoZe Bro. Magnesia NoZe Bro. MaNoZe, The Hands Of Fate Bro. Manuel NoZeaga Bro. Manure NoZe Bro. Marie AntoiNoZe Bro. MarijuaNoZe Bro. MarischiNoZe Bro. MashuggaNoZe Bro. Mate NoSe Bro. Mattress NoSe Bro. Maw NoZe Bro. MeNoZepause
Bro. MephistophaNoZe Bro. Mess NoSe Bro. MichelangeNoZe Bro. Milk NoSe Bro. Mire NoSe Bro. Moley NoZe Bro. MoloNoZe Bro. Monkey NoSe Bro. MoNoZe Lisa Bro.
Mooch NoSe Bro. Morris NoSe Bro. Mother NoSe Bro. Mucket NoSe Bro. Mug NoSe Bro. Mule NoSe Bro. Mu-Mu-Mu-My SharoNoZe Bro. NapoleaNoZe Complex Bro. NapoleaNoZe Bro. Nasal KnoZel Bro. NebuchadNoZer Bro. Never Look A Gift Horse In The NoZe Bro. Never NoSe Bro. Newton NoSe Bro. Nick O.T. NoZe Bro. NicodemoNoZe Bro.
NicotiNoZe Bro. NirvaNoZe Bro. Nitro NoSe Bro. No NoSe Bro. Nouvelle NoZe Bro. NoZa Parks Bro. NoZe B4 Hoes Bro. NoZen’ On The Ritz (Bored of Graft) Bro. NoZe Better Bro.
NoZe By Any Other Name Bro. NoZe Cuervo Bro. NoZe Of The Elder Edda Bro. NoZe The Wet Sprocket Bro. NoZe To The Grindstone Bro. NoZeama Bin Ladin Bro. NoZeeanderthal Bro. NoZeberto Duran Bro. NoZeB-GYN Bro. NoZecobo Arbenz Bro. NoZed Avenger Bro. NoZef Stalin Bro. NoZeface Killah Bro. NoZeferatu Bro. NoZekita Khruschev
Bro. NoZemoking Bro. NoZencrantz Bro. NoZeph McCarthy Bro. NoZepolean Bro. NoZeson Mandela Bro. NoZestrum Bro. NoZetoyevsky Bro. NoZetradamus Bro. NoZetre Dame
Walk On Bro. NoZetta Stone Bro. NoZeymandias Bro. Nurse NoSe Bro. Obi-Wan KeNoZebi Bro. Offer NoSe Bro. Olive NoSe Bro. OnaNoZe Bro. OtNoZe Von Bizmark Bro.
Oyster NoSe Bro. Pablo NoZeruda Bro. Pegan NoZe Bro. Pallas AtheNoZe Bro. PanchNoZe Villa Bro. Park NoSe Bro. Paul NoSe Bro. Pauper NoSe Bro. Pax RomaNoZe Bro. Peace
NoSe Bro. Penn NoSe Bro. PersephoNoZe Bro. Petty NoZe Bro. Phew NoSe Bro. Phi “oNoZe Bro. Pickyer NoZe Bro. Phill NoSe Bro. Pink NoSe Bro. PinnochiNoZe Bro. Pitter
NoSe Bro. Plane NoZe Bro. Pluto NoSe Bro. Poet NoSe Bro. Poker NoSe Bro. Polio NoZe Bro. Pony NoSe Bro. Poor NoZe Bro. Pot NoSe Bro. Praying NoSe Bro. Prick NoSe Bro.
Princess NoSe Bro. Proog NoZe Bro. Pseudo NoZe Bro. Pullman NoSe Bro. Pun NoSe Bro. PunjabNoZe Bro. Punk NoSe Bro. Queen NoSe Bro. Queer NoSe Bro. Quel Que NoZe
Bro. QuizNoZe Bro. Rabbi NoSe Bro. Razor NoSe Bro. Razz NoSe Bro. Re NoSe Bro. Real NoSe Bro. Rebel NoSe Bro. Reds NoSe Bro. Rex NoSe Bro. Righteous NoZe Bro. Rin
Tin TiNoZe Bro. Ring NoSe Bro. Rippling NoSe Bro. River NoZe Bro. Rivet NoSe Bro. Roberto RoselliNoZe Bro. Rock NoSe Bro. Rocky MarciaNoZe Bro. Rose NoSe Bro. Roseanne Rosanna DaNoZe Bro. Rough NoSe Bro. Rowe NoSe Bro. Rubber NoSe Bro. Running NoSe Bro. Sad NoSe Bro. Saddle NoSe Bro. SadduceeNoZe Bro. Saint NoSe Bro. Samir
NoZeenanajar Bro. SantayaNoZe Bro. Sap NoSe Bro. Satchmo NoZe Bro. Bro. SchizophreNoZe Bro. Scopes-Monkey NoZe Bro. Screw NoSe Bro. Scribes And PhariseeNoZe Bro.
SerpicNoZe Bro. Sexto DecimoNoZe Bro. Sheep NoSe Bro. Shine NoSe Bro. Ship NoSe Bro. Short NoSe Bro. Shovel NoSe Bro. SimiaNoZe Bro. Sissy NoSe Bro. Ski NoZe Bro.
Smear NoSe Bro. Smooch NoSe Bro. Snach NoSe Bro. SnootchNoZe BootchNoZe Golly! Bro. Snub NoZe Bro. Soap NoSe Bro. SociopathogeNoZe Bro. Sour PakistaNoZe Bro.
Spawn NoZe Bro. Speckled NoSe Bro. SpiNoZea Bro. Spook NoSe Bro. Sport NoSe Bro. SpraypaintcantotheNoZe Bro. Squat NoSe Bro. Squeeze NoSe Bro. Squirt NoSe Bro.
Squoze NoZe Bro. St. SteveNoZe The Way Bro. Stranger NoSe Bro. Strong NoSe Bro. Stumble NoSe Bro. Sub NoSe Bro. Subcomendante MarcNoZe Bro. Suffo NoSe Bro. SupercalifragalisticexpealiNoZeious Bro. SuperNoZea Bro. Sus NoSe Bro. Susan B. AtheNoZe Bro. Sweet PakistaNoZe Bro. Swiss Family NoSe Bro. Sword NoSe Bro. Table NoSe Bro.
TeaKwaNoZe Bro. Taco CabaNoZe (Media Whore) Bro. Tall NoSe Bro. Tear NoSe Bro. TechNoZe Pop (Intelligent Designer) Bro. Teddy NoZevelt Bro. TenNoZee Williams Bro. Test
NoSe Bro. TheNoZeous Monk (Intelligent Designer) Bro. Textile NoSe Bro. ThumbeliNoZe (Bored of Graft) Bro. The Brother Formally Known as NoZemoking Bro. The Nozetorious
B.I.G. Bro. The UnNoZed Soldier Bro. Theft NoSe Bro. Then NoSe Bro. Thomas AquiNoZe Bro. Thorstein VeblaNoZe Bro. Tild NoSe Bro. Tine NoSe Bro. Tinker Bell NoZe Bro.
Tissue NoSe Bro. Token HispaNoZe Bro. Tommy Gun NoSe Bro. Too Worthless To Think Up A Name Yet NoZe Bro. Tourist NoSe Bro. Tower NoSe Bro. Trouble NoZe Bro. Try,
Try and Try Again NoZe Bro. Tuplet NoSe Bro. Turtle NoSe Bro. Twitch NoSe Bro. Ultra MagNoZe Bro. UnamaNoZe Bro. UnNoSe Fortunate NoSe Bro. Upyer NoZe Bro. Ura
NoZe Bro. V.I. LeniNoZe Bro. ValentiNoZe Bro. VIA NoZe Bro. Vile NoSe Bro. Vinnie BarbariNoZe Bro. VomiNoZe Bro. W. Axl NoZe Bro. Wabash NoSe Bro. Wall NoSe Bro.
WangNoZe TangNoZe Bro. Warm NoSe Bro. Watch NoSe Bro. WaterNoZe Bro. Wax NoSe Bro. Wee NoSe Bro. Weed NoSe Bro. Wet NoSe Bro. Whale NoSe Bro. Wheel NoSe
Bro. Whimsy NoSe Bro. Where MoaNoZe Bro. Whiskey NoSe Bro. Whiz NoZe Bro. Who NoZe Bro. Widow NoSe Bro. Wild Irish NoZe Bro. Wilda NoSe Bro. WilderNoZe Bro.
William Cowper BranNoZe Bro. Win By A NoZe Bro. Windmill NoSe Bro. Wine NoZe Bro. Wonder NoZe Bro. Worm NoSe Bro. Worse NoSe Bro. Wrong NoSe Bro. XeNoZe
Warrior Princess Bro. Y NoZe Bro. Yarble NoSe Bro. Yes NoSe Bro. Yo NoZe Se Bro. Yoko ONoZe Bro. YossariaNoZe Bro. Your Mother Should NoZe Bro. YucataNoZe Bro.
ZorastoriaNoZe Bro. Jesus Loves Me This I NoZe Bro. TelemundNoZe Bro. NoZesome Dove Bro. Tickle Me ElmNoZe Bro. Hunter NoZe Thompson Bro. NoZe’s Ark Bro. Ted
KenNoZedy Bro. Yarble NoZe, Bro. Long NoZe Shoaf, Bro. NoZe Filler, Bro. Font KerNoZe, Bro. ImmagetchaNoZe Trembling Neophytes, Sore Afraid: Honey Nut CheeriNoZe /
Beverly Hills 9021NoZe / Ralph WaldNoZe Emerson / RhiNoZeplasty / NoZe Country for Old Men / Brave NoZe World / NoZery Loves Company / Good Morning, VietNoZe
Legal Mumbo Jumbo: The opinions expressed in this satirical, monthly, sporadically published publication are not necessarily representative of those held by Baylor©®™ University, its administration, faculty, staff, or less-intelligent students. Unless otherwise noted, all quotes from all individuals contained herein are entirely made up in the interest of
humor. By reading this rag, the user assumes all inherent risks which may include, but are not limited to, being exposed to new ideas, laughing at him/herself, and ultimate spiritual
enlightenment. The Noble NoZe Brotherhood recommends readers to have an open mind, thick skin, and the ability to think. All others are encouraged to hide under their beds
until the sky comes crashing down, or until they stop taking themselves so seriously, whichever comes first.
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Keko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin! Satchel on, Bro.
Long NoZe, Satch! BMMC! BSSS! HRGS! LHOOQ! KLIACH! Holy smokes! We’ve suffered chokes and strokes over the blokes who poked a certain teacher. A preacher and creature
of brilliant features of smarts, he warmed our hearts, enhanced our arts, and dealt our farts with
pristine passion and rations of ashen compassion, with no intention of being cashed in. However, another certain prez says he can’t stand, banning him from the grand land of this campus,
rampant with tramps and bamfs with differing plans. We’ll all see what will occur, even in a
blur, when our speech is slurred and our jokes are preferred (but probably deterred.) You might
find us unfit, but we’re guys who give a shit about Baylor’s writs. We write with wit, never quit,
and we like to rhyme, too. Can I get a Satch? Satchel? Anti-Gob? Satchelissimoooooo!
A Brief Note from the Cunning Linguist
Comrades,
I understand few things in this crazy world in which we inhabit. Topics such as life, death, love, and
pre-calculus make absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. I don’t even understand Microsoft Word, which is why I
always scribble the award-winning Rope on papyrus plants before it’s printed.
However, there are few things I do understand. I know how to write satire, for instance, and how much
beer I can drink before I’m hammered (two cans). I tell you this, gentle readers, because many of you are like
me. You don’t understand the world, its happenings, or even why we are all here. We all cope in different ways:
exercising, meditation, reading, alcoholism, or even prayer. These are all acceptable, even while underwater. On a
personal note, I find solace in listening to the Life Aquatic soundtrack and drinking sparkling water from my Baylor Lariat-themed coffee mug.
You may not think you’re going anywhere, but you really are. Do you think Elmo will leave you behind?
As if my parents named me Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe for nothing…Study, have fun, read, and enjoy what you have,
because some NoZe Brothers might steal it next week.
Conquests Forever,
Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe
Don’t have any friends?
Initiate parley with
the NoZe!
Electronic Mail
queries@thenoze.org
Facebook
facebook.com/NoZeBrotherhood
Twitter
@NoZeBrotherhood
Carrier Pigeon
Noble NoZe Brotherhood
P.O. Box 612
Elm Mott, TX 76640
Hypertext Landing Pad
thenoze.org
Help us make The Rope.
Advertise with us!
advertising@thenoze.org
TWEETS
From @WACOpolice
I just realized that I am a Cop for the City
of Waco and Baylor PD makes more than
I do. #ihatemylife
Just saw NoZe Brothers on campus.
#worstdayever #dontgettheirjokes
Officer down #DecribeYourPenisInAMovieTitle
Baylor girl cries and threatens suicide
after one-night stand with Waco local.
#Overused #BaylorProud
Sitting at Subway watching girls come in
and waiting for fresh cookies. Crime can
wait. #bestjobever #subway #Sing2012
Just got my new uniforms, cotton breathes
so much better than I do when chasing
nobody. #outofshape #toomanydoughnuts #copstereotypes #ugh #someonegotellthelariat
TCU drug bust; hope Baylor’s not next
#probably #Fijihouse #TKE #PiKapp
#AXO
Romney, Santorum to Settle Nomination
With Baby-Making Contest
Gingrich Says Something about the Moon
In an interview last Monday, former Massachusetts governor
and Republican hopeful Mitt “The
Private Sector” Romney admitted to
having ulterior motives in his attempt
to receive the GOP nomination for
candidacy in the 2012 presidential
election. He made the stunning announcement that he and opponent
Rick “I Can’t Believe I’m Still Here
Either” Santorum are running only
as the result of a previously-named
competition in which they attempted
to see who could produce the most
children within a five-year, beginning
five years ago.
“Yeah, I was never really
in it for the good of America,” he
began. “It all started as a joke, really.
I was Mormon, Rick was Catholic, and it was just something that
needed to happen.” According to
Romney, he and Santorum had met
at a GOP convention five years ago,
and they immediately discovered
their common religiously-motivated
opposition to all forms of birth control. They proceeded to have what
Romney described as “a fine time.”
After a night full of jokes aimed at
“hippies, atheists, and all other kinds
of communists,” Romney claims
that he approached Santorum about a
little competition – to see who could
on whether the election is simply a
produce the most children over the
rematch, he, surprisingly, happily
course of the next five years, and
replied.
that the loser had to convert to the
“Heck yes, and by golly, I sure am
other’s religion. Santorum apparently gonna’ win this one too, all for the
won, as his wife has given birth to
Glory of God!” He then proceeded
nine children,
to tell us about some
“I wonder if anyone will realize
as opposed to
piece of pro-life
this pullout quote isn’t in
Romney’s five
legislation he passed
the article”
sons.
that we think he
“The
might have men
Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe, tioned before.
bastard obviCunning Linguist
ously cheated,” Romney has been
Romney said.
dominating the
“You can’t have nine children in five
race since November, but in the last
years. It’s impossible. So I chalmonth, Santorum has made a surge in
lenged him to a rematch, double or
the polls after winning the primaries
nothing.” While most people aren’t
in Kansas, Delaware, and North Dasure what good it does to convert to
kota, three states that approximately
the same religion twice, it is cerzero people give a Chamber memtainly heartening that a politician can ber’s testicle about.
finally add. However, we do love a
“I’m surprised we even
good contest, and would like to point made it this far,” says Romney. “It’s
out here that Romney never stated
a stupid bet. Even Bachmann was in
that all children had to be from the
on it until she realized that nobody
same woman.
cared.” With Super Tuesday fast ap
“Ah, hell,” Newt Gingrich
proaching, it looks to be a close race
immediately chimed in, after hearing this March 6th.
this vital fact. “If I’d have known
“Honestly, if I win the
that, I would have entered this
nomination, I’m probably not going
competition years ago. This is my
to run for President. I have my own
specialty.” When reporters attempted planet to populate: Utah.”
to reach Santorum for comment
Kenny’s Kerfuffle
“I can’t wait to go to The
Gathering this year. “
“I’m down wit’ tha clownz ‘til
I’m dead in tha ground.”
“Whoop whooop!”
Tenured Baylor Professor
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Marc Ellis Fired
May ers to
up about March Madness Important Answ
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Unimporta
Dr. Marc Ellis, a recently terminated, tenured
professor of history at Baylor, and former director of
the Center for Jewish Studies, has officially announced
that he has been fired up about the men’s and women’s
basketball teams. He is specifically fired up about both
teams’ chances in their respective NCAA tournaments
this month.
However, most
of the news surrounding
Ellis has centered on his
current clash with Baylor Unifarcity administrators, including Most
Holy President Kenny
Starr. Dr. Ellis’ recent,
mysterious ousting
from his job has caused
quite a stir. According
to an article published
on religiousdispatches.
org, “several faculty
members with firsthand
knowledge of the proceedings confirm that
Ellis is being investigated for alleged sexual
misconduct (or misuses
of God’s gift, as the fac“Oh, I see what
ulty handbook has it).”
Ellis’ lawyer has defined
these as “bogus allegations,” and many prominent scholars have suggested
that said allegations from Baylor relate to Ellis’ Jewish
faith and his rather liberal views of Israeli policy. A
number of scholars defending Ellis have generated a
petition on change.org, claiming that the entire situation “looks more and more like a persecution to silence
a Jewish voice of dissent.”
The news of his excitement regarding the
basketball teams has diverted much attention from the
issue regarding his employment at Baylor. Both teams
have had successful seasons thus far, and this public
endorsement from Ellis will only motivate them more.
“I think it’s awesome that Marc Ellis has been
fired up about us for awhile now,” said point guard
Pierre Jackson, in an exclusive interview with the
Noble NoZe Brotherhood. Brittany Griner agreed,
chiming in that his “being fired up for apparently no
reason has been a pleasant surprise. I’m surprised a
story of this magnitude hasn’t been made more wellknown around campus.” Baylor administrators were
unavailable for comment on the issue.
Dr. Ellis arrived at Baylor in 1998, so it is truly
no wonder that he is so fired up about the basketball
programs. Throughout those fourteen years, the men’s
team in particular, has struggled mightily, dealing with
touchy issues such as corrupt coaches, a brutal murder,
and NCAA violations coming out the wazoo. These
were rough times indeed, but every university president
throughout the years was protective of the program and
virtuously defended it when necessary.
Now that both teams have lofty goals of Final
Four appearances this
March, President Kenny
Starr has placed much
of his focus on athletics
and less of it on support
of tenured professors.
Past leaders have been
more accepting of Ellis’
methods and creative
ideals, but Kenny has
been so focused on
the year-long mourning process of RGIII’s
departure that he hasn’t
had any time to think
about any professor,
including Dr. Ellis.
Anyway, some students
have been making their
totally not-pointless
opinions known as well
through the Tweeter and
you did there!”
the Facebooks.
“Ellis fired up
about bball?!?!?! Me
too!!! #BaylorProud #ILoveBrady,” freshman Ashley
McDougal tweeted last week. She is extremely excited
about the prospects of the teams in the NCAA tournament as well, provided she is able to contain her excitement in
her South Russell 316 dorm room. One particular
Facebook status posted by Student Body President
Zach Rogers resonated even louder than the sound of a
half-hearted Sic ‘Em at the Ferrell Center.
“Dr. Ellis is fired up, and I, for one, am shocked.
He has a very loud voice within the community, as well
as great knowledge of the game. He will be a great fan,
as long as he’s fired up,” Rogers posted. He has thousands (maybe even millions) of Facebook friends, so
pretty much everybody has read this absolutely vital
piece of information.
As a result, Ellis’ firing up about Baylor basketball has truly rocked the Baylor community. While we
all hope for a fair and suitable ending to the situation
(national championships for both teams), we also hope
that administration will show fairness and integrity to
the teams by providing them with the proper resources,
such as uniforms and Scott Drew’s motivational Bible
verses.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
I hear that The Band Perry is playing Dia this
year!!!! Is this true?!?!?!?!?!
- Pi Beta PhI Love Country
Dear KOT,
Unfortunately, that is true. And yes, you will get
another chance to wear your cowboy boots.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
I can’t believe the Bears are losing at home! We do
all of the cheers, and I even dyed my hair green.
-Screaming My Heart Out
Dear Bear Pit,
No one likes you.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Why didn’t you and your bros call me back after
Paper Pickup? I thought my essay entitled “Baylor
Pees on Freshman Fart-Poops” was a real hoot.
-Confused
Dear Dumb Freshman,
Nice try, but I just got my ‘brows done. They’re
not very low anymore.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Are you coming home for Spring Break this year?
-The Woman Who Birthed You
Dear Mom,
Trust me, I’d love to. Thing is, all of my friends are
going to the beach for a week of prayer and Bible
study. I might even stay after school starts again.
The benefits will be truly endless. Oh, and is that
keg shell still in the attic?
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Wanna walk around campus naked with me?
-I’m Hilarious
Dear Bro. Bear NoZessities,
That’s the best idea you’ve had in years.
Sing Reviews: Celebrating 60 years of indecency
Pi Kapp: Thrilling. We like how they had to
bring back David Dulcie and the Dulcie Experience, featuring David and the Dulcies on vocals, to take the solo.
Without that rock god, they’d have been as bad as Delt.
Pi Phi: So the theme was Alice in Wonderland/
The Mad Hatter...IN SPACE? Or on drugs? What were
they even trying to do? Even we can cook up better ideas
(and meth) than that. The entire audience was forced to
question its own sanity.
FIJI: Just by looking at the White House, cleaning up trash is an obvious hobby of FIJI’s. These guys
managed to get themselves knee-deep-in-dirt by making
Pigskin, a feat no one expected. Being friends with a hapless teen from a stupid musical five years ago probably
helps.
ATO/Tri-Delt: Disregarding the severe lack of
cookies and survival skills, this motley crue pulled off
just the right amount of sexual tension in its third-place
effort. The subtexts present in this year’s act may have
even outranked past FIJI performances.
Phi Chi: Well known for being generally unbrilliant and wrecking vehicles, these boys put themselves to good use by portraying their everyday lives on
stage. They really lived up to societal expectations by
hitting the high notes, and of course they get plenty of
dance practice from their monthly sock hops.
Delt: If you saw the tweet, you get it. If you
didn’t, a guy literally jumped off the balcony and broke
his legs to distract himself from the pain of watching their
#Sing2012 act. However, we just thought it was really
bad.
Kappa/Kappa Sig: Donning their useless halfmasks and paper plates, the Kappas and KSig managed to
pull off a win this year through sheer pity and appreciation for “the good try”. Stealing their opening directly
from Webber’s award winning musical, this act took
a more sophisticated approach while lacking the more
entertaining themes of Phantom, such as the murder, sex
and revenge present in the latter.
Chi O: Totes adorbs! It was lyke sOoOo Q-tuh!
On a more serious, less flamboyant note: Choreography
was sub-par and Chelsea Cunningham almost blew it.
This act proved that it’s beauty on the outside that matters. It was a show so incredibly sexist that it could’ve
been mistaken for a PSA announcement from early TV.
Zeta: Gypsies are usually perceived as exotic,
the original rock star, so to speak. They idolized sex,
drugs and magic as a way of life. I was saddened greatly
by the severe lack of all three of these themes from Zeta’s
act, and apparently, so were the judges.
SAE: The only thing great about this was the
follow up e-mail from Keith Frazee. Seriously, find
someone you know remotely involved with Sing read
the e-mail. Other than that, short shorts and drunkenness
never really cuts it. Sincerely, Boobs.
KOT: Taking notes from Tri-Delt’s usual approach, these guys, once again, used their same act as the
last five years. But hey, they’re busy with service projects
every single weekend and fishing trips galore. You know
what they say about small people.
KXA: We really didn’t want to be too mean
about this act. But I went to Sing this year with my 87
year old grandmother, a Baylor Alum, mind you, and
she even said it was the worst act she’s seen in ever. IN
EVER! Stick with the on-campus worship, ladies.
ADPi: Their theme was “Order Up.” In fear
of similar criticism from them in light of the previous
installment of The Rope, all jokes will be referred to
Baylor’s newly-founded “This Joke Writes Itself” Department.
AXO: Coming out of the closet is a very difficult thing to do, but the ladies of AXO make it look
so, so good. Donning the frizzled hair and more leather
chains than should be allowed, they were the epitome of
a coked-out garage band. The big transition, I can only
assume, was a visual metaphor for a classic 80s acid trip
in which the colors sound better than the sounds.
Theta: This particular show lacked everything a
good sleepover deserves: booze, spin the bottle, or even
a decent pillow fight. Come on, Theta. I thought you
were better than this. Are we still on for coffee tomorrow,
though?
Sing Alliance: Pillagers vs. Villagers? I thought
you guys center your lives on this thing. Maybe you
should change your name to “We Don’t Succeed at Sing
Alliance.” Lame joke. Kind of like your act. If you guys
can’t do Sing, NoZe Brothers don’t have to be funny.
Satch.
Chamber: Pointless. Idiotic. Pathetic. Futile.
Inane. Frivolous. Immature. Worthless. Oh wait, this is
a review of their act? Not what they actually do? Well,
that sure changes everything...Keep your day jobs, guys.
Actually, just quit your day jobs. No one likes you.
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Board of Regents Combat oZe on the
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t
Minimum Wage Stree
In a stunning move, the
Baylor Bored of Regents has approved a new joint-program degree
for graduate students who actually
wish to find a career pertaining to
their major. The new program will
incorporate the masters’ degrees of
Business Administration with the
highly Christian, traditional, and
depressing Social Work.
“This is a great idea and
opportunity for students of Baylor’s School of Social Work. I feel
like I am killing two birds with
one stone, and I didn’t even throw
it that hard,” said Buddy Jones, a
prestigious member on the Bored.
Jones is referring to the current
friction between the Baylor Alumni
Association and the alumni who
actually have a degree from the
School of Social Work. Along with
its gloomy circumstances, the job
quickly results in bankruptcy, even
from Baylor graduates.
“It’s just not fair. Do you
think I like getting phone calls
from Baylor about making dona-
tions? Shit, it’s not like I was an
engineering major,” said Roland
Johnson, president of the Alumni
Association. Jerry T. Haag, Ph.D.,
vice president for Baylor Development: Department of Gift-Giving,
supported Mr. Johnson’s statement
by adding that “no social work
graduate has ever donated a single
cent, and yet they’re supposed to
help people.”
Most of the Baylor community agrees that this new masters
program seems to be a solution to
the issues at hand. Financial theorists have theorized that with some
knowledge in business administration, social workers will take
their minimal salaries and invest
wisely to produce profits. In return,
they might even be able to open a
savings account and help ease the
phone calls by donating back to
Baylor.
While the program idea
has received praise for its promise
to correct so much in the postgraduate world, it has also been
met with doubt. The main fear is
that there is no balance between
greed and selfless service; therefore,
social workers might taint the business curriculum with their overcaring, gentle attitudes.
“If there is anything I
know about Baylor business, it’s
that they want winners; they want to
win,” said Mike Singletary, former
Baylor football star and NFL Hall
of Famer. He received his degree
in business management. Singletary went on to explain how social
workers are too soft, but before he
could finish, he was fired from his
position again.
However, this innovative
program seems like a promising
addition to a rather despondent
social work degree plan. Business
administration, which implements
a strong foundation of management
and accounting, might just overturn
a mindset of social workers who
just want something for nothing,
much like the people they help.
Baylor Releases Stadium
Renderings Forgets Football Field
Administration unveiled new 3D models for a
new football stadium a few months ago to resounding,
community-wide approval. But despite the enormous
fan shops, non-alcoholic beer stands, water slides, and
rich-conservative-alumni-donation centers, both models
appear to be missing a crucial component: the football
field itself.
“I just want to thank the Baylor nation for all
the support we’ve had. We think we’ve really come up
with a great building here that will facilitate the kind of
Christian community that represents the Baylor Line,”
said a surprisingly calm President Starr. “It will also
generate the kind of revenue any cool stadium with
ridiculously-priced but well-marketed and strategicallyplaced concession stands should. And did I mention
there are water slides?”
“The field takes care of itself. I’ll just put in a
huge advertisement with all of the donation information
to Baylor. And RGIII is coming back, right? It’ll be
great.”
The architect who provided the models claims
he was told to “draw something twice as expensive
looking as the BSB, and to make it really, really, really
cool.” When he inquired as to the estimated cost range
he was to work within, the reply was stunning.
“We don’t actually have to build this thing, we
just have to get really rich people to donate to it,” Provost Elizabeth Davis said. President Starr’s onslaught
of donation requests to alumni, especially those firmly
planted in the conservative, Baptist tradition seems
to be the motivating force behind the plan. However,
not everyone in the community is as excited about the
plans. Baylor Marina employee Dan Rhycroft has been
especially vocal.
“How are people supposed to enjoy their Saturday afternoon kayak when the beauty of Nature will
be disturbed by this giant monument to materialism?
Thoreau is turning in his grave right now,” he said.
Even though local scientists have found that the Mighty
Brazos is pointless and mainly smells like dead fish
and poor people, it is not worth destroying in pursuit of
expensive stadiums.
As more information flows in about new football stadium follies, stay updated with the NoZe.
f
o
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o
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o
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What’s you Baylor?
parking at
Normal McAverage,
Freshman:
Pretty bad. Going off campus is pretty much impossible, except when
my LifeGroup drives me to Antioch,
of course.
Standard McOrdinary,
Sophomore:
It’s fine at my apartment complex,
but parking on campus is a bitch.
You expect me to walk from Garage
Majal to Carroll Science? Real bitch,
I tell you.
Regular McCommon,
Senior:
Whenever I decide to attend class,
parking seriously sucks. Is it that
hard to make more spots?
Parking Spot,
in front of South Russell:
I get lonely sometimes. I cry myself to sleep…all I want are more
friends.
TCU Drug Program Weeds out Bad Batch
Reversal Technique in Article Baffles Readers
A mere two weeks ago, tragedy struck TCU.
Seventeen of its distinguished intellectuals were arrested
and expelled from campus on confirmed charges of narcotics distribution. Immediate action was taken by TCU
officials to address the issues at hand, and bedlam around
the area has run rampant during this difficult time.
“The people in our community will work together to make sure this doesn’t define us, that this makes
us even stronger,” said Victor Boschini, TCU Chancellor
of Drugs. It was after this that Boschini announced his
new plan to renovate TCU’s drug trafficking system.
Introduced as the “Downer Complex,” the
system will slash nearly all of his workers and dedicate
his vast empire to delivering the quality products that
have become standard with the Texas Christian University name. A complete revamping, with the inclusion of
specialized dealers and narcotics consultants, will begin
within the next few weeks.
“We were aware that there were problems
with our system,” stated Chancellor Boschini. “We had
become lazy in hiring our distributors and their training.”
Again, he apologized for the lax conduct that resulted in
seventeen of their employees being caught and arrested.
“We will rebuild,” claimed a hopeful Boschini.
“We will come back stronger than before and reclaim
our reputation as one of most influential cartels in the
southern United States.” This rousing speech, given to
the entire university in the football stadium, was met
with thunderous applause and intense excitement from
all students and faculty. Many pharmacists, also known
as modern apothecaries, have predicted that the “Downer
Complex” will produce historic, national results.
TCU has been a longtime domain of drug
trafficking. For decades, substances such as marijuana,
cocaine, ecstasy, and prescription drugs have been stored
in the basements, caves, and finished mahogany cabinets
of Fort Worth.
M any other schools across the state have been
closely following this story in order to begin making the
much needed changes to protect their own respective
industries. Baylor’s own President Kenneth Starr has
expressed his concerns on the matter through mediums
such as The Baylor Lariat and those super-awesome On
the Baylor Horizon e-mails.
“Now, I’m not saying Baylor has a small,
thousand-man team of producers, dealers, and security,
but how else can we pay for this new football stadium?”
he asked, in a recent Lariat op-ed piece. “Efficient, secretive, and ubiquitous…these three words should serve as
the foundation for our renowned program.”
This unfortunate incident at TCU, though painful now, should result in the quality blow we have come
to appreciate as Americans. Every single drug program
around the nation now has high expectations indeed.
Baylor Administration Unveils Revised “Strategic” Plan
Also revises definition of the word ‘strategic’
After realizing that the original
Baylor strategic plan for the future would
be physically, scientifically, and grammatically impossible, Provost Elizabeth Davis
picked up her Etch-a-Sketch once again
and wrote up a revised version. This one,
presented last week at an open forum to the
unifarcity, contains the largest amount of
“nothing” ever written in a second version
of a plan, according to most reports.
This new plan contains six,
broad-as-a-side-of-a-barn
“aspirational
statements” in which administration reassures the Baylor community of its ideals
to Christianity, excellence, integrity, and
charitable donations. These six proclamations fail to include a follow-up to the
endowment goal of two katrillion dollars,
the plan to finance a plethora of new oncampus buildings, and most importantly,
how to tackle the issue of ignorance within
the doors of Collins Residence Hall.
“I feel like this plan will really silence the critics,” Davis said. “Baylor University is on the golden path to eternal success through this administration doing the
work of God, blah blah blah, yadda yadda
yadda, Colossians 3:12, academic excellence, RGIII. Blah.” All faculty and staff
attending this press conference understood
her perfectly, though most students only
heard exactly the absurdities you just read.
Students who weren’t stoned
enough to understand the major differences between this new plan the previous one
are still in an uproar. They claim that this
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“solves nothing” and even compared it to
how “that one bear only walks in a circle in
the den all the time. Have you ever seen it?
There’s even a track of dirt where she only
walks. I feel like that’s, like, a metaphor or
something. I don’t really know, though. I
failed Mass Comm.” Studies confirm that
this particular student did, in fact, fail the
Mass Communications course.
A final caveat of the plan includes
new, free Bibles, even more free Dr. Pepper, and best of all, a free tuition increase.
Though these items could be seen as obvious analogies to 2012 presidential candidate Vermin Supreme’s “free pony” policy,
they are most likely political ploys to gain
more donations in some form or fashion
(modern, with a side of caviar) from busi-
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nesses and alumni.
The rather vague language of the
new plan has even confused some readers
into thinking it to be any one of Baylor’s
mission statements, Constitutions, Ten
Commandments, or Code of Hammurabis.
These texts can all be found deep within
the pits of Pat Neff, but probably just in the
Chamber offices somewhere. Therefore,
the fabled six statements of Baylor strategy will remain until anything new is released. The repeated use of the phrase “six
statements” has been especially stressed by
administration, since most people interpret
them all to say the same exact, redundant
thing.
A Scholarly Critique of “The Vow”
‘The Rope Reviews’ Presents: An Unabashed Look into Mediocrity
While most of Baylor’s
cutest couples saw The Vow on
Valentine’s Day at the Starplex,
I showed my rebelliousness by
doing something totally different:
watching the pirated version on
my Mac in the basement of the
NoZe Mansion.
What I saw was truly
horrific. IMHO, this movie should
only be viewed by females, aged
fifteen to thirty-eight, at the commencement of their menstrual
cycles. Any male watching this is
either an extremely submissive,
obvi non-Bible reading boyfriend
or is under the influence of something easily found at TCU.
The plot line takes the
form of the rekindling of the
forgotten love between a man
and his recently brain damaged,
post-comatose wife (spoiler alert).
Needless to say, this is unrealistic.
Forgotten love? Post-comatose?
Please. The fact that this claims to
be inspired by true events makes
me even sicker. What happened to
the candor of Hollywood? They
didn’t say Billy Madison was true,
but Adam Sandler is an idiot in
real life. I just don’t get it anymore.
Stars Channing Tatum
and Rachel McAdams are simply
too attractive for their roles. If
a girl that pretty was ever to get
into a car accident not induced by
drunken debauchery, I’d lose all
faith in humanity. Tatum, on the
other hand, is a bisexual. Though
the Noble NoZe Brotherhood has
gone on record to report that we
are indeed “cool” about that, I believe that this specific role doesn’t
fully utilize his talent. Maybe he
should consider acting in something edgier than film adaptations
of Nicholas Sparks novels.
All in all, I would rather
bathe a flea-infested monkey
bartered from a black-market suzerain from Taiwan in ten-day old
dirty dishwater than watch The
Sugar Analysts
Make Sweet
Advancement
Researchers Leave No Granule Unturned
Our beloved, no-nonsense university has
recently made great strides in the advancement
of sugar studies by inventing something called a
polarimeter.
“We were sucrose to making an important discovery,” stated Dr. Kenneth Busch, one of the
researchers who pushed the initiative. “But our
equipment wasn’t worth two lumps. We really
just had to take it with a grain of salt.” For the
science majors still reading this, the thing-a-majig wasn’t producing enough light to go through
the watchamacallit, which, of course, was causing
a lot of miscalculations in the whatever, causing
Vow again. As the credits rolled,
I immediately decided to drink a
bottle of Jack, and then drive over
to Vitek’s for a Gut Pak. I simply
had to get into a coma-inducing
car accident to forget the horrendous film I had just witnessed.
However, as I was about to leave,
Bro. MeNoZepause made me help
her look around the Mansion for
her relevance as a NoZe Brother.
It took all day, but we finally
found it in the guest bathroom.
Though The Vow pulled
a Truman and dropped an A-bomb
on the global cinematic network,
there are some other expected
hits coming up in 2012. Those
looking especially good are The
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn:
Part 2: The Saga Ends: Finally
and Christopher Nolan’s The Dark
Knight Rises, Falls, Rises Again,
Trips, Then Decides to Cut His
Losses and Stay on the Ground.
E
M
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N
HOLY TMAN!
A
B
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G
N
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H
C
The Southern Baptist Convention recently
decided not to officially change its name after some months
of deliberation.
Here’s a brief list of the rejected name changes:
KFC- Kentucky Fried Convention
BASCAR- Baptist Association of the South That Also Cares
About Other Regions
PMS- People Meeting the Spirit
DOM- Drinks Only with Methodists
DMB- Dancing Makes Babies
ISWACTWB- I Swear We Aren’t Connected to
the whole experiment to blow up indefinitely. In
layman’s terms, the fancy microscope didn’t work
well enough.
But then, a sweet discovery
was made by one of the refined researchers.
“As we glucose to the end of our research,
we found some important data that got us out
of the sticky situation,” continued Busch, “And
eventually, the whole idea crystallized into this
new microscope. It was indeed a sweet discovery
by we refined researchers.”
Baylor administrators are thrilled with
the excess money that could be brought into the
university through this new innovation. Provost
Elizabeth Davis hopes this will propel Baylor to
the ever-elusive Ivy League status.
“We’re going to be so rich!” she exclaimed. “I can’t wait to see the fruits of their
labor. I’m sure it will be delicious!” She will be
very involved with this process as all developments continue to carmelize.
“This new polarimeter will really be the
icing on the cake,” President Kenny Starr added,
in a desperate attempt to keep the joke going.
Westborough Baptists
CoS- Christians on Sundays
TEBOW- Need we say more?
WLMC- We Love Mega-Churches!
SC?LHC- Starving Children? Let’s Have a Cookout!
xXJesusLovers777Xx
BBC- Big Baptist Conference
IBC- International Baptist Convergence
GCSTUITMONSTIONA- God Came And Spoke To Us In
The Middle Of The Night So This Is Our New Acronym
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British CL is a
a point and
a counter argument to
the previously stated point
Pseudointellectual!
By Nate Gethard, Freshman
Here’s a conversation we once had:
- Hey James, what’s up?
- Ah, Nathaniel. How might you be this divine afternoon?
Point: Disband the NoZe!
By Chris Green, Phi Chi
I have had it up to here with these NoZe Brothers!!! Their sacrilege and disrespect appalls me with every issue of The Rope. Do they not
know that the Baylor community actually reads it?! It’s not the Lariat! I,
for one, love this university with all of my heart, and these NoZe Brothers
mercilessly ridicule it, complete with profanity and sexual innuendo.
However, my biggest issue with these rapscallions is their treatment of religion. Excuse me, but Baylor is a Christian university! Didn’t
these hooligans listen to the Good Word from Dr. Burleson and Chapel
Ryan? No, they were too busy dropping ping pong balls, trying to be all
“funny.” Just when I thought I could escape the NoZe Brothers, I see that
garbage while watching online Chapelcasts from over 8 years ago. My
four letters to President Starr pleading for their disbandment have gone
unnoticed, and my Facebook group isn’t helping either. This is ridiculous.
I don’t know where to turn…
- I’m fine. Dude really, you can call me Nate.
- Ah Nathaniel, my boy, I could never partake in such
whimsical uses of monikers.
- Uh, alright. Well I’m going to head back to my room-- Pray, why do you step with such zest? I want to express a concern of mine to you that is of top priority.
- Um, okay.
- I noticed you the other evening as you stumbled into
your room, appearing inebriated. I asked why you carried such a joyous disposition about yourself, and you
responded with a mere chortle, as if I had told you a joke
written by those damn NoZe Brothers…rapscallions, the
lot of them. Anyway, if I may be so bold, exactly what
ensued that fateful eve?
- Oh, gosh. I don’t even remember…I was just with
some friends and things got a little crazy. I’m really
sorry about that, man.
- Yes, Nathaniel. This is much more than a miniscule
misstep in your development. While I sometimes fancy
a crisp glass of Pinot Grigio after consuming a dish of
pasta primavera with an ambrosial spinach basil pesto
sauce, alcohol never graces my lips. Shame has truly
come upon your family name, Nathaniel.
- Listen James, I’m getting really tired of-- Yea, do not elevate your voice! I need not engage in
fisticuffs with you, Nathaniel! Return to your dormitory,
you f***ing scoundrel. We jolly men of Martin enjoy
a merry hoot every now and then, but we have also
acquired pristine standards which must be constantly
upheld.
- For the last time, I’m sorry. I guess I’ll just be more
careful next time. Just chill out.
- Nathaniel, my dear boy, there shan’t be a ‘next time.’
This folly has overwhelmed your entire career. I have
already reported you to our director, Sir Hugh Worthington. He holds true power. Pure and true, indeed.
Counterpoint: We appreciate your concern!
By Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe
I’ll tell you where! queries@thenoze.org is always open for
your electronic messages! I would very much like to immediately end
this piece, however, my NoZestincts are instructing me to counterpoint
your argument, young Mr. Green.
Firstly, we’re actually fans of Baylor, despite all of its shenanigans, balderdash, and twaddle. Secondly, we totally love God; we
worship him five times a day in the direction of Venus while partaking
in the sacred meal of chicken quesadilla and Pabst Honorable Mention.
Thirdly, the ping pong balls were, in fact, “funny” according to Webster’s definition. Fourthly, President Starr is an ornery NoZe Brother,
meaning you actually sent us those letters. Fifthly, your grammar is
mediocre, at best. Eighthly, we will crash your next Phi Chi event.
Tenthly, stop hitting on me.
Gentle Reader,
A serious problem regarding the previous installment of the award-winning Rope has been
brought to our attention, and we would like to address said problem here.
The previous issue referred to a lonely Delt’s hair as a “soggy, mushy, resemblance of a wet,
white potato casserole.” It should have been referred to as a “butt-colored and slightly-soaked pile of
junebug semen.”
We wholeheartedly apologize for this egregious error and any inconveniences it may have
caused.
Regrettably,
The Noble NoZe Brotherhood
Baylor Student Drinks Orange Juice After
Brushing Teeth: New Level of Hell Discovered
On a seemingly normal Wednesday morning in his rather large Bandera
Ranch apartment, junior Ryan LaMont
significantly worsened his day after
foolishly sipping on a fresh glass full of
orange juice merely minutes after brushing his teeth.
“This has been a rough time for
us all,” roommate Chad Williams told our
reporter. “I’m actually pretty offended that
you’re even in our apartment right now.
Show some damn couth,” he added.
According to his morning routine, Ryan normally has a small breakfast
at approximately 8:25 A.M. Central Standard Time, then drives to campus about
twenty minutes later to make his 9:05
A.M. psychology class. However, young
Ryan surprisingly arose at approximately
8:30 A.M. this past Wednesday, resulting
in a rushed morning indeed.
He hurriedly put on some shorts
and his latest crush t-shirt, brushed his
teeth thoroughly, then remembered that
he had not, in fact, had any nourish-
cana resulted in a cantankerous grimace
ment whatsoever before his trying day
on his face, along with a raucous groan of
of school, which some sources report
discomfort. His roomincluded an
mates rushed over
economics exam
to the scene to find a
at 12:20 P.M. His
distraught LaMont,
intense studying
standing alone in the
for said exam the
kitchen. He awkwardprevious night
ly described what
could have been
happened, grabbed his
the cause of his
backpack, and walked
lateness; however,
out the door.
roommate Chad
Ryan has deWilliams angrily
clined all interviews
described this
and questions regardstartling rumor as
ing the incident.
“ludicrous.”
His Facebook page
The
exact moment
and Twitter account
the orange juice
have been filled with
concentrate
condolences and
Archived photo of L. Jenkins Tampico,
graced his lips,
comments from not
the first unfortunate soul to experiance
only his friends, but
Ryan recognized
this unbearable phenomenon.
other supporters who
his blunder. The
sympathize with him. Baylor students are
audacious clashing of minty aftertaste of
quickly raising awareness of the incident
Colgate Total with citrus splash of Tropi-
and how it can be prevented in the future.
Also, Baylor scientists are in the
initial phases of researching why LaMont,
and all others unfortunate enough to experience this phenomenon, expresses such
disdain for the feeling. Roommate Chad
Williams, once again, put in his two cents.
“I’m tired of all of this attention.
You think it’s easy being me? It’s not,”
he told our reporter. “Leave us alone. You
guys aren’t even funny.”
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Throughout history, millions of men have taken the blue
pill. Why couldn’t I? I still have
night terrors from my experience
with...them.
Saturday. 3:37 A.M.
I received a phone call from a
synthesized voice instructing me
to put down my Archie comic
and immediately drive to the
Dallas Airport garage, level four.
It told me to wear “a lady’s cut
blazer with an 80’s style brooch
and six inch heels.” Luckily,
my roommate has no modern
fashion sense and enjoys wearing
women’s attire, so I was ready.
I arrived at the airport
around 5:45A.M and parked. I
received a phone call fifteen minutes later, and the same electronic voice told me to get out and
take the elevator to level two.
Even though I was apprehensive
about the entire situation I knew
I had to do this if I wanted in.
I stepped on to the elevator and pressed level two. The
elevator doors closed and it started to move down. Suddenly the
elevator stopped, and as the door
opened I was quickly grabbed,
zip-tied, gagged, and blindfolded. I had no clue where I was
but I could hear the sounds of the
highway and whispers amongst
my abductors. We drove for
miles before the vehicle slowed
and the road changed abruptly.
Finally, the vehicle came to a
halt, and I was thrown out onto
a dusty roadway. I screamed for
help, and then everything went
black; I assume I was hit on the
head with a frozen seal.
Weakened, I slumped
in a chair. The same synthesized
voice asked if I was hungry.
Ravenous, I replied in the affirmative. He placed a box in my
lap with an “Enjoy, shithead.” I
ripped open the box, and when
I realized it was a frozen TV
dinner, I heard a laugh. The pure
piercing of this wretched sound
knocked me out once again.
I awoke strapped to a
bed with a man hovering over
me. He had a large beard, wild
hair, glasses, and a large NoZe.
“By now, you know who we are,
correct?” I replied, “Yes, you’re
the Noble NoZe Brotherhood.” I
swore to him that if he let me go
I wouldn’t say a word. He chuckled. He proceeded to tell me a
story about an old mine shaft.
When a worker stole diamonds,
they had to punish him, but needed to make sure he would still
work. He called it “hobbling.”
The bearded man placed a piece
of wood between my legs, and
I begged of him, “Whatever
you’re thinking, please don’t.”
He smiled and said, “Trust me,
it’s for the best.” The NoZe man
had a mallet; he swung it back
and struck it against my foot. He
took no sympathy in my sobbing
voice as he swung at the other
foot. I had no more tears to give;
death would have been my only
salvation.
Three days later I woke
up in a hospital in Mexico.
Since I’m a film major and
don’t speak Spanish, I was still
confused about how I got there
but more thrilled to be alive. An
English-speaking nun walked
up to my hospital bed and told
me the story of how I got there.
With no ID, Mexico had a legal
obligation to treat me. I stayed
in Mexico while my wounds
and fractures healed. I learned
to speak Spanish, fight cocks,
and play the guitar. One day as I
was walking to my villa, a message carrier handed me a pink
parcel. I opened it and inside
was a baseball card signed by Bo
Jackson with a written note that
said, “Meet us at the same spot,
and your torture will resume.”
NoZery Loves Company
It had been an entire
week since I had last seen the
Noble NoZe Brotherhood at
Paper Pickup, and I could only
assume that they were done with
me and my paltry scribbling.
This did not stay true for long, as
an invisible teleportation device
took me from a porcelain throne
in my dorm to the terrifying
NoZe Mansion. Clad in nothing but my Dark Knight undies
and my left sock, I was forced to
begin the worst night of my life.
As the brothers approached my shivering corpse of
a body, I was overcome by the
unmistakable scent of alcohol
and Uncle Ben’s Creole Rice
Mix. Once my vision cleared and
I began to make out the distinct
shapes of these wild Brothers,
I was immediately blindfolded
and handcuffed. From here, I
was taken to the dungeons of the
Mansion and was forced to read
old copies of the Lariat to educate myself in what a real joke
was. After going through three
or forty of those damned things I
was teleported once again, only
this time to the NoZe’s private
underground arena equipped with
spa amenities, a water park and
an all-you-can-eat Waffle House.
It was in this arena that the
great and mighty Lorde Mayor
approached me. He drunkenly
ordered me to be funny through
the use of witty anecdotes, clever
songs, and humorous religious
ridicules.
“Shoot, darn, fudge bananas,” thought I. I simply could
not be funny, no matter how hard
I tried. Every single joke, wheth-
er Baylor-related, Christianrelated, or even mustard-related,
was even more unsuccessful than
that one Lariat article. I think we
all know the one of which I refer.
The punishment for my intense
failure was a few rounds of hairpulling. To this day, my scalp
still recovers.
It took about two days
before I finally reached the
hospital. Once there, I fell under
the influence of oxycotin. My
dreams were filled with shadowy NoZe Brothers surrounding me, reeking of alcohol and
cream cheese absolutely filled
with trans fat. They gave me a
message instructing me where
to meet them again. I remember
waking up on stage at Chapel,
still only clothed in my unmentionables. I think Chapel Ryan
told me something about God,
than pushed me off the stage. I
don’t think I received credit for
that day.
NoZe Country for Old Men
Just like every Friday
night, I was sitting in my dorm
room drinking alone and watching Pawn Stars when my phone
rang. After noticing the call was
strangely blocked, I answered
with a frightful “hello.” I heard
only the sound of heavy breathing and what sounded like an
18th century Cambodian Voodoo
Carnival. After a few seconds
of remaining awkwardness, the
line went dead. Finding this odd,
I made a note to call the phone
company in the morning, and
gently went to bed.
I was awakened by
a crash at 4:27 A.M. My eyes
flew open, and I found myself
surrounded by NoZe Brothers
wielding various assortments of
weaponry, ranging from Louisville Sluggers to rabid ferrets…
or were they marmots?
Fearing for my life,
I made a desperate effort to
escape, but was swiftly knocked
unconscious by means of
cinnamon-scented coffee and
whiskey. I woke up, disoriented,
in a dark and foul-smelling room.
Looking around, I saw shadows
dart just out of focus and I could
hear maniacal laughing from the
hallway, which I believe was redcarpeted. Where was I? Was this
the NoZe mansion? Who could
live in such a place? I was just
beginning to come to terms with
my reality when the Brothers
entered the room.
I was violently pushed
into a chair and was asked more
questions than a contestant on
“Love Connection”. Oh, and I
had to be funny. Honestly, it was
rather difficult to be funny when I
had tons of ruffalin-spiked Febreze being sprayed at me every
time I didn’t make them laugh.
After five hours of questioning and more brutal fragrance
spraying, there were only two results: No one had laughed, and I
smelled like lavender and spring
sheets. After each Brother had
come in and had their fill of questioning with me, it was time for
my final performance. Back into
the coffin I went. Ah yes, embracing fear and the unknown, just
like before
While I don’t remember
much of what happened during
the following days of horror, I
do remember two things that I
will never forget, even though I
have Alzheimer’s: the demented
screams of the voices, mercilessly yelling “Be Funny,” and the
excruciating pain that followed
when my jokes, gleaned from the
back of candy wrappers, fell flat
on the beer-stained floor. After
what I later discovered to be 9
days, I awoke in the lap of Judge
Baylor, covered in the stench
of malt liquor and tattoos on
my ass, which told me where I
could meet these tormented souls
next…
Harrowing Tales of Trembling Neophytes, Sore Afraid
The Worst Articles in The Rope:
Brave NoZe World
The night began as
abruptly as it ended. After waiting a few minutes in an obscure
parking lot, I was suddenly
tackled onto the pavement by
the sold force of a wild bull in
the form of a college student
with a drinking problem. Pinning
me down as if he were Rodolfo
Martinez (a famous calf wrestler, duh), the stranger screamed
slurred, unrecognizable words,
informing me of my situation.
I was then forced into the fetal
position, incapacitated with an
unnatural amount of duct tape,
and shoved into the trunk of
some car with a small trunk.
After a drunken, Vin
Diesel-inspired car ride, we
drifted to a stop. The trunked
creaked open, and I was immediately blindfolded. A pungent
aroma of urine and stale whiskey filled the air, and a frightful
thought crossed my mind: I was
at the NoZe Mansion. “Abandon
hope, all ye who enter here!”
laughed a woman’s voice. My
bowels loosened.
Within a couple of
minutes, I was within the depths
of the Mansion, strapped to a
chair, ignored for hours, and was
then slapped in the face, all the
while being forced to complete a
beer bong filled with vodka. At
this point, I was fully inebriated
and pissing myself with even
more fear than I usually do. The
wretched creatures bombarded
with incomprehensible questions
such as “Would you sell your
soul to Elmo?” and “Would you
name your wildebeest Henry?”
But most importantly, they kept
asking, “Can’t you be funny?”
I couldn’t. Every wrong answer
was punished with a branding, and I had no right answers.
When it was deemed that I was
the most unfunny person alive, I
was informed that it was now my
time to meet “him”.
I was soon released
from my throne of mortification.
I was violently spun around,
thrown into a room, and told to
take my blindfold off. Inside
were an interrogation room and
a man in NoZe garb. He simply
looked into my eyes for five
seconds, and I abruptly passed
out in spectacular fashion. The
last thing I remember was my
puke on the gentlemen across the
table and a mighty head butt on
the table on my way to the floor.
I
awoke in a corn field
with a note taped to my forehead.
Drunken scribbles informed me
of the dry cleaning bill I had to
pay and where I was to meet
next. I spent the wee hours of the
morning finding my way through
the corn and the rest of the day
searching the world for my dignity. What did I learn from this
experience? I hate these people.
Ralph WaldNoZe Emerson
The moment she walked
into the room I knew she was
nothing but trouble. I could tell
from the smell of cheap cigarettes
and rat poison that there was
more to her than her red lipstick
and fishnet leggings let on. This
hallucinogenic, female NoZe
Brother only added to my fear of
the rain. It was like God had nev-
er pissed before in his life. She
looked me over from beneath her
hat, as if she had never even seen
before. She just stood there. From
the look of things, I’d guess there
were a lot of men to sort through.
I stared back like a snake charmer
into the eyes of a cobra – because
in a situation like this, one only
thinks in metaphors – but before I
could play my proverbial flute, all
was dark.
I woke up tied to chair,
blindfolded, and naked, with the
stench of sweat and what can only
be described as pigs, sex, and
Taco Bell invading my nostrils.
I sat there for days, living off of
only the piss-poor beer and granola that was delivered every 12
hours or so by a mysterious set of
footsteps.
Finally, a voice. “Be
funny,” it said. I was prepared,
and immediately threw out the
one-liner I’d been practicing in
my head for weeks. After weeks
of rehearsing it like a murderer rehearses his alibi, I was convinced
it was undeniably funny.
“A dyslexic man walks
into a bra.”
Silence. Enter cigarette
burn number one.
I was told I was in the
NoZe Mansion, “where cigarettes
were currency and Filipino hookers were more common than old
Ropes – and trust us, there are
a butt-ton of old Ropes.” I was
ready for this, too and spouted
off some pun about butt-tons
and hookers that would only be
funny to a man deprived of food
and dignity for the better part of a
month.
Enter cigarette burn
number two.
This wasn’t what I expected. I’m not sure what I had
expected, but it certainly wasn’t
an interrogation as if I had stolen
top-secret funnies from the Iraqi
government. Suddenly, the blindfold was removed and I was staring into what initially appeared to
be an erotic Dali painting before
a giant NoZe, a beard, and a set
of rotting teeth came into focus. I
looked down to see that not only
was I still naked, but my skin was
an obscure shade of blue, and I
had tattoos of Miles Davis’ face
on choice parts of my body. My
gaze returned to the dark, hazy,
man in front of me, whose breath
smelled of Swishers, Jim Beam,
and banana peppers. At this point
the blindfold was retied, (I guess
he just wanted to show off his
teeth), and I could tell I was surrounded.
BefunnybefunnybefunnybefunnybefunnybefunnybefunnyBEFUNNYbeFuNnYbEfunnYbefunny.
“What was the name
of the Detroit hardcore punk act
formed by John Brannon in 1981?
What is the dialect spoken in Rijeka, Croatia? How many licks
does it take to get to the center of
a tootsie pop?”
I tried to remain calm,
but it’s hard to do so while being
strapped to a chair like that.
“You know, I actually
tested that on my own once, and
it takes-”
Darkness.
I wake up five minutes
before my 8 AM Chemistry test,
in my bed, with cigarette burns
three, four, five, and six. I roll
over hoping to see red lipstick and
fishnets, the representation of my
most morose dreams. But there is
only a disposable cell phone, and
it’s ringing.
RhiNoZeplasty
The night was cold, and
skepticism clouded my mind as
my shoes obnoxiously squeaked
on my way to the front of Waco
Hall. I was walking to my ren-
dezvous when a van pulled up at
precisely 9:32 P.M. Four NoZe
Brothers jumped out, commanding me to tell jokes and sing classic show tunes.
The forced me into the van. The
air smelled of rich mahogany, my
uncle’s fingers, and a faint hint of
egg yolk. Even though the drive
only lasted four minutes and thirty-four seconds, it felt like nine
days. They were the most relentless nine days of my life.
I was only allowed to
speak in Pig Latin, and everything had to be funny. Trying
my hardest to impress them, I
dug in deep and tried my best
Pig Latin humor. Nothing. I
didn’t even hear a chuckle.
I knew I was in for a long
night.
The drive was over. I
was being pushed out and told
to follow their voice. I felt
the walls start to get smaller
into what I thought was a coffin. I was right. I can’t even
begin to describe my time in
this dark, closed off space.
Good thing my grandpa got
the claustrophobia gene and
not me.
They told me that if I was funny enough, I wouldn’t have to
see that coffin again. So my
one goal was becoming very
clear, like a glass eye of my
stuffed walrus: Be funny.
I was thrown onto a
stage with over seven hundred fifty-two incandescent
light bulbs facing my way. I
was blinded with fear, heat,
and I think I saw a butt somewhere in there. But I’ll never know. I was told to stare
at the light and to be funny.
Joke after joke was a fail. I
was humiliated.
With failure in my
soul and Chloroform in my
lungs, I woke up the next day
in a coffin at the front of a
cemetery with a letter taped
to my nose. It told me to be at
the same meeting place two
days from now. Ever since,
my tears have flowed like the
mighty Brazos.
diarfA eroS ,setyhpoeN gnilbmerT fo selaT gniworraH
:epoR ehT ni selcitrA tsroW ehT
Waco Water Turned Down By Refugees
"I wish I’d died in the tsunami instead," Says Local
this as an opportunity to grab the unwanted water. With
Soon after the tsunami ravaged Japan last year,
Mexico having the vilest water, it seemed only approprithe entire United States was ready to help, and Waco lent
ate that our fence-hating neighbors would receive the
its helping hand as well. The students of Baylor Univerplentiful donations of
sity, in partnership with
water. Immediately the
the city of Waco and
Mexican natives became
Red Cross, gathered
deathly ill after contogether and decided to
sumption and lost their
send the people of Japan
appetite for rock candy.
gallons upon gallons of
“What crazy powerwater. However, when
ful person would dare
the two hydrogen molcreate this liquid hell,”
ecules and one oxygen
said Montezuma, Creator
molecule arrived, all
of Montezuma Revenge,
refused.
himself.
"What is
Oddly this refusal of
this terrible drink you
Americans gave to us?"
Wacoan relief is not the
asked Yoshihiko Noda,
first to be denied.
Prime Minister of Japan.
"After the Hurricane
He was especially upset
Katrina disasters, Waco
Waco water - refreshing spring bubbled aqua
about the overall quality
sent relief in the form
of water from Waco.
of pizza made by the
fortified with undiscovered vitamins.
Penland Dining Facility"
"The aqueous substance
Ralph Taylor of the Red
is so unfit that it is not
Cross told the Noble NoZe Brotherhood, "the hurricane
even given to the unwanted daughters of China," he said.
victims literally cried more over this than losing their
With all the commotion and the quickly defamily...It’s all appreciated" he continued "but what the
veloped national awareness, many other countries saw
CARBAJAL
R E A LT Y
carbajalrealy.com
Is your rent
too damn
high?
Come to
Carbajal, the
only place where
Jimmy McMillan
shops for housing.
254.235.8343
hell, Waco?"
“There seems to be a real disconnect between
what the people think they need and what the people of
Waco know the people need,” Burty Burleson commented, “obviously people who are in the midst of a natural
disaster need Waco water and Penland pizza.”
Later the water was tested and trace amounts of
Chapel Ryan’s sweat were found.
“This could be the cause of the water’s cheery
sheen yet bitter aftertaste,” a researcher later told us.
After this incident Waco may actually lose its
Facebook membership to the world relief something or
whatever.
Holy Law
#6345
Don’t tell anyone your PIN number
HEMINGWAY’S
4700 Bosque Blvd.
254.776.9733
facebook.com/hemingwayshole
Skip American Lit
and drink with this
n
smooth gentlema
at Hemingway’s
The sun always rises
at Hemingways.
Mr. PuZzle sez:
Let the video to load and
figure out the riddle!
BANKSTON’S
1321 South Valley Mills
254.755.0070
comics - sports cards - collectables
Our Batman
comics are
100% nipple
free.
WWW
THE
NOZE
ORG
1226 Speight Ave.
254.753.0802
SCRUFFY MURPHYS
PUB O’ THE IRISH
sun - $3 MexicAN BEERS & tequila
Mon - $2 drafts and wells
TueS - $2 all beers and wells
Wed - happy hour ‘til 11 and karaoke
Thurs- $5 long islands and Texas teas
Fri- Happy hour un til 11
Sat- Happy hour until 11
gh?
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Still not I
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Skip AA a
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Happy hour:
$2 domestics not named shiner
$2 well drinks
703 N. VALLEY MILLS DR.
254.776.6776
POPPA ROLLOS PIZZERIA
AND ARCADE/SPEAKEASY
$3.50 HALF PITCHERS ON MONDAY AND TUESDAY
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