Vol. 1, Issue 1 - Happy Hour Kickball

Volume 1, Issue 1
HHKB Tip of the Week:
Bunting on the field is not allowed, bringing
bunt cake to the field is encouraged
The Morning After...
Summer 2007
May 9, 2007
Welcome to the first issue of the newsletter we’ve dubbed, “The Morning After.” We wanted to call it something
else, but the title was a little profane,
even by my standards.
This will be the place to come every
week of the season to get game recaps
and scores, weekly award winners, our
flip cup standings, superlative race, and
actual division news of import.
Our first issue this week is part one in a
two part series where each team will describe who they are by answering 20
questions. The questions may or may
not relate to kickball (most don’t) but
they should give all of us an insight into
their team and philosophy.
I hope you enjoy this first issue, let’s
have a great season, and I promise as
the summer goes on I will get better at
using Publisher.
See you on the fields and at the bar!
CB, JA, and EN
Upcoming Events:
Second Pre-season game
May 9
First Regular Season game
May 16
Mid Season Party
June 16
Beer Oh-Lympics
June 30
Inside this Issue
Welcome to the Morning After
1
Actual and Factual News
2
Two Short of a Threesome
3
Jenn’s Booty Shakers
8
Off in Right Field
7
Sofa King Suite
10
Slow and Weak
12
Orange Crush
15
The Morning After… Page 1
Actual and Factual News aka Stuff We Didn’t Make Up
Saturday, June 16: It’s KICK ASS PARTY #1, to be held at the Barking Dog.
Cheap drinks, specials and a hell of a time! Get wasted and see your fellow kickballers
in their nicest Saturday attire. Party starts at 7:00 pm in the sky lounge (upstairs).
Saturday, June 30: The first ever BEER OH-LYMPICS! This wonderful event will be
taking place at the Barking Dog in Bethesda starting around 2:00 pm and concluding
around 6:00 pm. The events include:
Flip Cup (8 people per side)
Beer Pong (2 people per side)
Anchorman (4 people per side)
Power Hour
You Got Served! (The game formerly known as Quarters)
Kings
The Beer Relay (this is a surprise we’re working on…)
$15 per person gets you all the beer for the Olympics and all you can drink during the
day. If you’re interested in participating email us directly at
happyhourkickball@gmail.com to save a spot.
Saturday, July 28th: Playoff day and End of the Season Party. Details are still being
worked out, but count on it being a great way to wind down after a long day of
tournament style kickball. Awards ceremony and crowning of the first ever Happy
Hour
Kickball League
Champion will take place there.
Rainouts—In the case of a rainout, the website will be updated by 3 pm, the day of the
game. If the rainout occurs after 3 PM, the division heads will contact captains, or the
appointed contact persons, and it will be the captains’ responsibility to inform their respective teams. Of course our specials at the Barking Dog will still be honored.
Referees—Each must provide a referee, either for the 6:30 game if you are playing at
7:15 or for the 7:15 game if you are playing at 6:30. Failure to provide a referee will
count as a forfeit.
Forfeits—Only really occur if you have less than 4 people, this will be very difficult to
accomplish, so we don’t think this should be an issue…
The Morning After… Page 2
Our first interview was with John Albers and Rick Nelson from Two Short of a Threesome.
Here’s what they had to say:
1) Using one word, how would you describe your team?
Cryptic
2) If your team was made of cheese or bbq spare ribs, would you eat yourself?
Yes. Or if we were a hot dog.
3) Why did you join Happy Hour Kickball?
Well, when you spend your Wednesdays drinking 10 beers while screaming along with Kelly
Clarkson by yourself, you're called an out-of-control drunkard. When you do the same thing with
150 other people in matching shirts, it's somehow okay.
4) True or false: Even after a brief ironic renaissance, mullets are still a terrible idea.
True. I honestly mistook a woman for a man last week because of her mullet.
5) Can you or anyone on your team sing the mysterious SECOND verse of Stayin' Alive?
I can only sing the refrain. I had no idea there were even verses.
6) What song is the most likely to get your team shaking its booty like a bunch of drunken fools
at the end of the night?
Anything by Journey. And one of these days I'll get a DJ to play "I'm all out of love" by Air Supply.
Don’t Stop Believing will get this team a runnin.
7) If your team was a member of the Wu Tang Clan, which Wu would it be?
U-God. Because the game of kickball, is like a swordfight. You must think first, before you
move. Toad style is immensely strong…
The Morning After… Page 3
U-God, the strength behind the threesome.
8) You and one other person are stranded on a desert island. How would you choose to kill
them?
Shoot them with the flare gun. It could be pretty fun to watch.
9) Who on your team is most likely to kick a puppy?
I don't know. I haven't kicked a puppy in like, 3 days, so I've hit a dry spell.
10) Which player on your team is most likely to injure themselves?
Um, I already injured myself in the first scrimmage by landing my face onto my own closed fist.
11) Who on your team is most likely to let someone make it to 3rd base?
I let anyone make it to 3rd base! (ugh, how many of those jokes have you gotten so far?)
12) Who is Mike Jones?
Who? I have 281-330-8004 in my cell phone though.
13) Who on your team can drink beer the fastest?
That is a good question. Not me though. We need to figure this out.
14) Who on your team has an unusual talent, and what is it?
John can fit the top of a Solo cup into his mouth.
15) If A squared plus B squared equals C squared, can I crash on your couch?
I'm going to refrain from making pi jokes.
16) Have you, or has anyone on your team ever been touched, in an unwelcome way, by Dick
Cheney? If you answered yes, when and how?
Literally, no. Figuratively, it's like he peppered me pretty well there with his buckshot of asinine,
crass remarks on just about every subject.
17) Who on your team is most likely to get ejected from a game?
Kara looks innocent, but I think she's a troublemaker.
18) Does your team have a theme song? If not, and you had to pick one, what would it be?
Rick is over there? I don't know. I'd vote for the "Face down, ass up" song, but I always vote
for that song in everything. (OK, not a joke the song "Face Down" by the-artist-formally-knownas-Prince-when-he-was-known-as-that just started playing while I answered this).
The Morning After… Page 4
19) Please tell us something brief about the team that you think everyone in the division should
know.
If you beat us by less than 10 runs, then that should count as a Loss for your team.
20) What is your team’s favorite drinking game and why?
Flip cup because it utilizes our hand eye coordination!
Our second interview was with Chip Lipscomb from Jenn’s Booty Shakers. Here’s what he
had to say:
1) Using one word, how would you describe your team?
SEXY
2) If your team was made of cheese or bbq spare ribs, would you eat yourself?
YES
3) Why did you join Happy Hour Kickball?
To get drunk and screw
4) True or false: Even after a brief ironic renaissance, mullets are still a terrible idea. TRUE
5) Can you or anyone on your team sing the mysterious SECOND verse of Stayin' Alive? Terry
Helwig [he was born in the 60s]
6) What song is the most likely to get your team shaking its booty like a bunch of drunken fools
at the end of the night?
I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred
How very sexy indeed! Is that Chip?
7) If your team was a member of the Wu Tang Clan, which Wu would it be?
Ol' Dirty Bastard
The Morning After… Page 5
8) You and one other person are stranded on a desert island. How would you choose to kill
them?
We wouldn't...we are a peaceful team built on love
9) Who on your team is most likely to kick a puppy?
No one ...we are all animal lovers
10) Which player on your team is most likely to injure themselves?
John Helwig
11) Who on your team is most likely to let someone make it to 3rd base?
Lynn Malcioette
12) Who is Mike Jones?
A Rapper
13) Who on your team can drink beer the fastest?
Mark Greenawalt
14) Who on your team has an unusual talent, and what is it?
Katie Moerke. She is flexible enough to put both feet behind her head [beware gentlemen]
15) If A squared plus B squared equals C squared, can I crash on your couch?
The More the merrier
16) Have you, or has anyone on your team ever been touched, in an unwelcome way, by Dick
Cheney? If yes, when and how?
John Helwig, while working as his aide, he grabbed his taut ass
Cheney horny, Cheney want Helwig...GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
17) Who on your team is most likely to get ejected from a game?
Chip
18) Does your team have a theme song? If not, and you had to pick one, what would it be?
Miss New Booty - Bubba Sparx
19) Please tell us something brief about the team that you think everyone in the division should
know.
We are hot, sexy, and ready to mingle
20) What is your team’s favorite drinking game and why?
Beer Pong, because we love to play with wet balls!
The Morning After… Page 6
Our third interview was with Cory Lawson from Off in Right Field. Here’s what he had to say:
1) Using one word, how would you describe your team?
Promiscuous
2) If your team was made of cheese or bbq spare ribs, would you eat yourself?
I’d ask for seconds
3) Why did you join Happy Hour Kickball?
We’re pro-choice when it comes to kickball and didn’t want to be sucked into the feudalistic monopoly of that other league.
4) True or false: Even after a brief ironic renaissance, mullets are still a terrible idea.
What are you talking about, mullets aren’t cool?
5) Can you or anyone on your team sing the mysterious SECOND verse of Stayin' Alive?
Tryouts for Off In Right Field included performing an a cappella version of Stayin’ Alive, so
YES
6) What song is the most likely to get your team shaking its booty like a bunch of drunken fools
at the end of the night?
Afternoon Delight, Starland Vocal Band
7) If your team was a member of the Wu Tang Clan, which Wu would it be?
God Zig-Zag-Zig Allah aka GZA aka The Genius
8) You and one other person are stranded on a desert island. How would you choose to kill
them?
Drown in BBQ Sauce, immediate burial service to follow over a medium heat fire.
Slowly roasted human…hmmmm…
The Morning After… Page 7
9) Who on your team is most likely to kick a puppy?
Mr. Animal Planet himself, “Cory Lawson”
10) Which player on your team is most likely to injure themselves?
Meagan, Michelle, Roach, Murphy, TK, Rachel, anyone one of them really… it’s a crap shoot.
11) Who on your team is most likely to let someone make it to 3rd base?
Brian Lapato, he’s easy like Sunday morning.
12) Who is Mike Jones?
Rapper who suffers with Alzheimers. Side note, I have been trying to keep up with that fucker
for years. He gets a Bentley, I get a Honda, he gets a Harley, I get a schwinn, he gets a house
in the hills, I get a double wide in Inglewood, he gets hot bitches, I get crack whores.
13) Who on your team can drink beer the fastest?
Great question- I would say Kieran “I aint a doctor, but I’ll take a look” Ryan.
14) Who on your team has an unusual talent, and what is it?
Rahul, he mixes water himself. Two parts H and one part O.
15) If A squared plus B squared equals C squared, can I crash on your couch?
16) Have you, or has anyone on your team ever been touched, in an unwelcome way, by Dick
Cheney? If you answered yes, when and how?
I one shook his hand at a ‘Sons of the Apocalypse’ meeting. It was cold and had no pulse. He's
got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that
terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all the poundin' and the hollerin', they all come in and they... rip you to pieces.
17) Who on your team is most likely to get ejected from a game?
Scott- hands down! Scott is the type of guy that would throw at his own kid in the father-son
picnic.
The Morning After… Page 8
Are they the best, I guess we’ll have to see...
19) Please tell us something brief about
the team that you think everyone in the
division should know.
I believe in the Church of Kickball. I've
tried all the major religions, and most of
the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees,
mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I
know things. For instance, there are 108
beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 dimples in a kickball. When I heard that, I gave
Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I
prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in kickball, and it's never boring...
which makes it like sex. There's never been a kickballer slept with me who didn't have the best
year of his career. Making love is like kicking a kickball: you just gotta relax and concentrate.
Besides, I'd never sleep with a player kicking under .250... not unless he had a lot of RKIs and
was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give
these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read
Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and
they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me
lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of kickball - now
who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake? It's a long season and you
gotta trust. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in,
day out, is the Church of Kickballl.
20) What is your team’s favorite drinking game and why?
Anchorman, cause it separates the kickball men from the kickball boys!
Our fourth interview was with Anne Walczy from Sofa King Suite, here’s what she had to say:
1) Using one word, how would you describe your team?
The Morning After… Page 9
SUITE!
2) If your team was made of cheese or bbq spare ribs, would you eat yourself?
100% Yes, even the Vegetarians.
3) Why did you join Happy Hour Kickball?
To be rebels and because it seemed like something we could get more into.
4) True or false: Even after a brief ironic renaissance, mullets are still a terrible idea.
True and False.
True if you live anywhere else besides the south, don’t drink Budweiser, are not in love with Jr.
(NASCAR reference for those that are out of the loop) and don’t live in a trailer park. False if
you do any of the above.
Sofa King Suite, business in the front, party in the back!
5) Can you or anyone on your team sing the mysterious SECOND verse of Stayin' Alive?
Only Tim Hutchins could get the job done.
6) What song is the most likely to get your team shaking its booty like a bunch of drunken fools
at the end of the night?
Anything ‘80’s plus Justin Timberlake.
7) If your team was a member of the Wu Tang Clan, which Wu would it be?
Former member Ol’ Dirty Bastard. Cuz we’re old and we’re dirty bastards.
The Morning After… Page 10
8) You and one other person
are stranded on a desert island. How would you choose
kill them?
Why do you have to kill them?
to
Can’t we all just get along?
9) Who on your team is most likely to kick a puppy?
If anyone on my team ever, ever kicked a puppy they are immediately ostracized (and maybe
killed).
10) Which player on your team is most likely to injure themselves?
Name redacted with her new outlook on being balzy when playing in the field.
11) Who on your team is most likely to let someone make it to 3rd base?
We are all prudes, so no one will get to third base (in all meaning of the words!)
12) Who is Mike Jones?
My baby’s daddy and a Horrible Rapper.
13) Who on your team can drink beer the fastest?
Brett Canosa
14) Who on your team has an unusual talent, and what is it?
Delia, she can slide into second base and be safe all while wearing her work clothes.
15) If A squared plus B squared equals C squared, can I crash on your couch?
Sure??
The Morning After… Page 11
16) Have you, or has anyone on your team ever been touched, in an unwelcome way, by Dick
Cheney?
No Comment!
17) Who on your team is most likely to get ejected from a game?
Name redacted, for bringing alcohol to the field (JK)
18) Does your team have a theme song? If not, and you had to pick one, what would it be?
Baby Got Back, duh!
Little in the middle, but she got much back!
19) Please tell us something brief about the team that you think everyone in the division should
know.
We are an eclectic group of teachers, waiters, consultants and party planners and are looking
forward to kicking some ass (again, jk. I hope no one is taking this seriously)
20) What is your team’s favorite drinking game and why?
Power Hour, and there is no reason why.
Our fifth interview was with John Collins from Slow and Weak
Weak. Here’s what he had to say:
1) Using one word, how would you describe your team?
Fergalicious
2) If your team was made of cheese or bbq spare ribs, would you eat yourself?
With a knife and fork, yes.
3) Why did you join Happy Hour Kickball?
For the fierce and competitive kickball scene and the "Cheers-esque" bar atmosphere at the
Barking Dog.
4) True or false: Even after a brief ironic renaissance, mullets are still a terrible idea.
Very False. Mullets are always a good idea.
5) Can you or anyone on your team sing the mysterious SECOND verse of Stayin' Alive?
The Morning After… Page 12
It is a requirement to sing the entirety of the song during the tryouts
to be on Slow and Weak
Weak.
John Collins, the maestro!
6) What song is the most likely to get your team shaking its booty like a bunch of drunken fools
at the end of the night?
Digital Underground, "Humpty Dance"
7) If your team was a member of the Wu Tang Clan, which Wu would it be?
ODB of course. He was one of the greatest icons of our time.
8) You and one other person are stranded on a desert island. How would you choose to kill
them?
With a bamboo shoot or bludgeoning with a coconut
9) Who on your team is most likely to kick a puppy?
If it is an evil puppy, probably Melissa Fullenkamp
Fullenkamp, but if it is a good puppy, probably Lindsay
Terry
Terry. She hates dogs.
10) Which player on your team is most likely to injure themselves?
Either myself or Sarah Hedlund
Hedlund. We are very prone to hamstring and quad pulls.
11) Who on your team is most likely to let someone make it to 3rd base?
Marcos Guzman of course.
The Morning After… Page 13
12) Who is Mike Jones?
He was the star shooting guard of the Maryland Terps.
I’m Mike Jones, WHO?
13) Who on your team can drink beer the fastest?
That's probably a shootout between Cunningham and Kelly Carr
Carr, but we have not had an official
competition... yet.
14) Who on your team has an unusual talent, and what is it?
Greg Nosal is a professional foosball player. He can accurately perform the dreaded snake
shot.
15) If A squared plus B squared equals C squared, can I crash on your couch?
Sure.
16) Have you, or has anyone on your team ever been touched, in an unwelcome way, by Dick
Cheney?
Bill Howard was shot in the butt while turkey hunting just last week.
17) Who on your team is most likely to get ejected from a game?
Probably Brad Tomaski
Tomaski. He is a heated competitor.
18) Does your team have a theme song? If not, and you had to pick one, what would it be?
Joe Esposito - "You're the best!" (From the Karate Kid soundtrack)
19) Please tell us something brief about the team that you think everyone in the division should
know.
"Slow
Slow and Weak
Weak" is what Willis was talkin’ ‘bout.
20) What is your team’s favorite drinking game and why?
The Beer Mile (www.beermile.com). No other event combines beer chugging with athletics in a
ballet like balance of ying and yang.
The Morning After… Page 14
Our sixth and final interview of this 2 part series was with Aryan Rodriguez of Orange Crush.
Here’s what she had to say:
1) Using one word, how would you describe your team?
Eclectic.
2) If your team was made of cheese or bbq spare ribs, would you eat yourself?
Barring any vegetarians or lactose intolerant team members, yes.
3) Why did you join Happy Hour Kickball?
I think that Christopher Bocquet is hot and I will follow him anywhere.
4) True or false: Even after a brief ironic renaissance, mullets are still a terrible idea.
False. Dare we remember Uncle Jesse from Full House? Love it.
Uncle Jesse OR
Uncle Jesse?
5) Can you or anyone on your team sing the mysterious SECOND verse of Stayin' Alive?
Only when inebriated and our speech is decidedly slurred.
6) What song is the most likely to get your team shaking its booty like a bunch of drunken fools
at the end of the night?
Um, hello? "Baby Got Back," of course!
7) If your team was a member of the Wu Tang Clan, which Wu would it be?
Oooh, this is a tough one. Although Red Man's barking is adorable, I'm going to have to go with
Method Man.
8) You and one other person are stranded on a desert island. How would you choose to kill
them?
Kill them? This is a slightly awkward question as I've never planned any ritual killings. Uh, next...
9) Who on your team is most likely to kick a puppy?
Too bad Dan Holloman isn't on my team. This would be such an easy question to answer! But
since he's not, I'm going to have to go with the next best thing: Jeremy.
10) Which player on your team is most likely to injure themselves?
The only person I know who would sprain his ankle while playing basketball by himself: Orlando.
The Morning After… Page 15
11) Who on your team is most likely to let someone make it to 3rd base?
What kind of third base are we talking about? The proverbial "third base" or the actual white
square on a field? I'm going to assume it's the latter, and I will say NO ONE! That's right! That's
how amazing Orange Crush is.
12) Who is Mike Jones?
Who?
13) Who on your team can drink beer the fastest?
Again, Jeremy.
14) Who on your team has an unusual talent, and what is it?
That would be Heather. She can dance for 5 hours non-stop and has won several dance-offs in
the U.S. and Guatemala. Seriously.
15) If A squared plus B squared equals C squared, can I crash on your couch?
You can have my couch.
16) Have you, or has anyone on your team ever been touched, in an unwelcome way, by Dick
Cheney?
Is Dick Cheney even alive? I still believe that he doesn't exist and that there's a robotic wax
statue who is used as his double. Kind of like Bernie. Although the sneer seems pretty lifelike...
Ugh, the thought of spending more than a minute thinking about this piece of poop is upsetting
me. Next...
17) Who on your team is most likely to get ejected from a game?
Sadly, me.
18) Does your team have a theme song? If not, and you had to pick one, what would it be?
This is a tough one b/c team songs are so defining. Hmm, I'm going to have to go with
"Superstar" by Charm Farm as our debut song (highly recommended by team member Justin).
The Charm Farm, starring Justin Fusco!
The Morning After… Page 16
19) Please tell us something brief about the team that you think everyone in the division should
know.
I believe we have the two tallest players in the league... The obvious aside, I love our team because we have great energy. We've got kickball veterans that have over 4 years of time and
memories dedicated to this sport, and we have newbies that are going to take the league by
storm.
We really look forward to engaging with everyone in the league.
20) What is your team’s favorite drinking game and why?
Flip cup! It involves lots of people and we can usually guarantee getting someone wasted off it.
The Morning After… Page 17