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The VICE Guide to Miami
By VICE Travel Staff (/author/vicetravel-staff)
February 18, 2016
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Miami is not red, white, and blue through and through. Miami has more colors—and not
just the aqua waves or pink­ and green­painted buildings silhouetted against purple and
orange sunsets. Though it has all of that too. Miami's skin has more shades. Hispanic residents make up 66 percent of the city, and
18 percent of Miamians are black. It has the particular smells, flavors and sounds of
Haiti, Trinidad, Argentina, Cuba, and Brazil. Miami can be lawless and unsafe. It's underdeveloped, but it's making up for that with
every passing minute. It's silly and ridiculous, helpless against swarming developers
and rising ocean levels. It's a dramatic slab of land. Isolated by swamp and sea, it's wild
like Mowgli or an experiment left too long in a petri dish. It's proud and free and
stubborn and loyal. It's like nowhere else in the world.
VICE City Guides: Miami
Map data ©2016 Google
Terms
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NEIGHBORHOODS WE LOVE
NEIGHBORHOODS WE LOVE
Miami Beach Arriving in Miami Beach is like stepping on set for a movie about Miami. Imagine The
Birdcage (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115685/) meets Ride Along 2
(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2869728/). Cigarette boats fly down Biscayne Bay, bags
of cocaine cramming their guts. Big brown butts bounce to Calvin Harris in the flashing
lights of LIV (http://www.livnightclub.com/). Drag queens do splits on the sidewalk
around noon while you cheer them along over your omelet. Corrupt politicians lurk
behind every palm tree.
Miami Beach is weird and dirty, but it's also otherworldly and glamorous. It has some of
the best preserved examples of Art Deco architecture in the world. If you want an Ibiza
day party, Nikki Beach (http://www.nikkibeach.com/) has overpriced mojito pitchers
with sugar cane stirrers and white beds with curtains on the sand. If comfort is more
your thing, the Delano (http://www.delano­hotel.com/) has a somehow flawless Alice
in Wonderland meets the 1990s backyard and pool area that must be visited and
worshiped. A few doors down at the 50s throwback Raleigh Hotel
(http://raleighhotel.com/), you'll spend a fortune on a cocktail and physically drool
over its iconic, 70­year­old baroque pool where Esther Williams once did laps.
But back to trashy. Grab a foolishly strong, freezing Call a Cab from Wet Willie's
(http://www.wetwillies.com/) while wearing only your bikini or Speedo, because SoBe
has probably the best swimming beach in the country, and everything feels better
drunk. The water is never not warm, and there are relatively not repulsive bathrooms
where you can change your clothes and mind­set from day to night drinking.
Wynwood As of last year, the Wynwood Arts District (http://www.wynwoodmiami.com/) has
become a place where dads from Brazil in sneakers that cost more than you have in
your savings account take iPhone photos of their tanned teens modeling in front of a
Shepard Fairey mural. That would be at the Wynwood Walls
(http://thewynwoodwalls.com/), a public space that celebrates street art with murals
by artists like Ron English and Kenny Scharf. What was once an area that had a
spattering of quality local galleries is now an all­out graffitied tourist trap. You'll probably have to wait in line for 30 minutes for a worthy cold brew at Panther
Coffee (http://www.panthercoffee.com/). There will be a faster line and a (this isn't
overstating) perfect lunch at Zak the Baker (http://zakthebaker.com/) down the street.
In an effort to fit in with the rest of the bearded nation, new breweries are popping up
like weeds in this old warehouse district (more on that in the Where to Drink section). Downtown/ Midtown/ Overtown Walking distance from Wynwood in two different directions are Midtown and Overtown.
Now, Midtown is bougie. But if you're hungry for something authentic, hit up Salumeria
104 (http://www.salumeria104.com/), where the cured meats are treated better than a
show cat. Overtown, on the other hand, is a bit sketch. But 14th Street has long been a
place where dance clubs and bars come and go. If it's heroin you're looking for, head
just west on that block. If it's musical theater you're addicted to, walk east to the
Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts (http://www.arshtcenter.org/). But if
it's delicious Persian food and a cocktail bar that stays open till the sun rises, head
south toward Fooq's (http://fooqsmiami.com/).
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor
Little Haiti/ Little River All the galleries flocked like seagulls up to Little Haiti when Wynwood property became
more valuable than healthy babies. This is a neighborhood where Caribbean families
live and chickens roam the streets like feral cats. Soon, this genuine area will be the
place you get "Caribbean" food and see "local" artists who actually live in LA. But it's
not like the neighborhood couldn't do with a little face­lift. Make sure to wander into a
botanica where Santeria and Vodou supplies are sold. You will likely leave wondering if
you now have spirits tagging along for your vacay and if you got ripped off (you did). Upper East Side If you're not all architectured out on Art Deco, a trip to the Upper East Side to see all the
weird old motels from the 50s is in order. Some are fully renovated, like the polished
Vagabond Hotel (http://www.thevagabondhotel.com/) with its posh poolside bar,
while others remain sad sex worker spots. The classic Coppertone Girl sign—the one
with the dog pulling down a little girl's bathing suit bottom—is hanging around Biscayne
and 73 Street. Photo by Christina Arza Little Havana You're going to want to get Cuban coffee and a media noche sangwish (as they say
locally) at the tacky tourist mecca in Little Havana, Versailles
(http://www.versaillesrestaurant.com/). Avocado or plantain ice cream sabores are
for sale on Calle Ocho at Azucar (http://www.azucaricecream.com/), which is easy to
find, because there is a seriously massive sculpture of a cone and scoops of the sweet
stuff on its exterior. If you want to feel shame, go get whooped at dominoes by a Cuban
abuelo at Domino Park (http://www.yelp.com/biz/maximo­gomez­park­domino­
park­miami). Also, there's a good chance that if you drive closer to the airport, you'll
find Elian Gonzalez's house, which very well might be a museum now. Coral Gables Coral Gables is simply one of the most beautiful neighborhoods in the US. The streets
are like a maze with names of Spanish cities located curbside on white hunks of
cement. If you live there and want to paint your house, you have to get the color
approved first. But so fucking what? It's gorgeous with the long hanging roots of banyan
trees and Florida oaks shading the quiet roads lined with Spanish­style and ranch
houses. Get deep in there, and eat brunch at the ridiculously luxurious Biltmore Hotel
(http://www.biltmorehotel.com/). Built in the 1920s, it defines class and is likely
haunted (it was a hospital during WWII, after all, and gangster Thomas "Fatty" Walsh
was murdered there). Tastefully caged tropical birds flutter in the lobby and oversized
iguanas lay around on the 18­hole golf course. This is living.
Coconut Grove
Coconut Grove is Coral Gables' stoned cousin. It has equally majestic residences, but
the lawns grow more freely. Down Grand Avenue, though, are tiny houses and
tenements where the first Caribbeans lived (still do, in fact) when they arrived in Miami.
"Keep Coconut Grove Weird" is something the tight­knit natives actually say. And yeah,
there are still elements of its hippy past, like the boat people and the Bookstore in the
Grove (http://www.thebookstoreinthegrove.com/). But its anchor is Cocowalk
(http://www.cocowalk.net/), which is kind of like an Orlando mall, but even there, you
can get totally shitfaced in a giant, reclining chair in the intimate VIP movie theaters.
Check out the massive Italian­villa Vizcaya (http://vizcaya.org/), a mansion on
Biscayne Bay with Renaissance gardens and plenty of things too valuable for you to
touch.
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor Hialeah/ Miami Gardens/ Opa Locka City Hall West of Dade County are the Everglades, but if you head out that way and stop just
short of the alligators, you'll see a new arts scene budding in Hialeah. Formerly the
least cool neighborhood, ridiculous rents in more central areas have pushed art makers
and young scenesters into this Cubano enclave. While you're visiting the "Leah Arts
District (https://www.facebook.com/leahartsdistrict/)," head over to be confused by
the Ali Baba–themed Opa Locka City Hall (http://www.opalockafl.gov/). Homestead Homestead is far. Like really far from everywhere else in Miami. But the thing is, you
drive through on your way to the Keys, so you might as well stop because it's really the
only place to get good Mexican food in South Florida. And there's Robert Is Here
(https://robertishere.com/), a tropical fruit stand with fenced in tortoises at its petting
zoo and shakes people drive hours to simply suck down in seconds.
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor BASIC ETIQUETTE (HOW TO ACT)
You have officially left the cultural United States once you hit the Miami­Dade County
line. Don't greet strangers at a safe, sterile distance or even shake their hands. You're
in Latin America, so you now kiss everyone you meet on the cheek. Just lean in, and
keep it dry. No one needs a sensual, sloppy cheek suck. That's embarrassing, and this
is meant to be all very civilized.
When you dress for the tropics, there's no way to cover it all up, so don't bother trying.
Miami loves exposed meat in all of its tight or voluptuous forms. Skin wins. No matter what your gender, you will be heckled on the street by all levels of perverts.
Most comments will be about your ass. But this, again, is not New York, so these
lechers expect a response. Give them the finger. In Miami, take the catcalling as a
compliment, your ass looks good! Watch "Shit Miami Girls Say (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtB29gJ6dLQ),"
because it is real. Speak up, because everyone around you will be—they're not yelling.
This is really just how people in Miami talk. The volume is always at full blast, and every
sentence is punctuated with a nuanced "bro." Also, bringing up Fidel Castro, ever,
especially in the presence of a Cuban grandmother, shows poor form. Embrace the weirdness, because with developers barreling in at full speed, this may be
the final days of a real Miami, bro.
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor WHERE TO DRINK
Miami is a weird city for drinking. Because most bars here are incredibly expensive,
shitty tourist traps, or trendy as hell, it can be hard to know where to go. A bar might be
cool for a few years, then one day its crowd completely disappears—on to the hippest,
latest spot like junkies frantically trying to stay one step in front of FOMO. That formerly
cool spot shutters, and another (probably more expensive and equally doomed) spot
opens in its place. And the cycle repeats itself. That makes it all the more miraculous
when a place lasts long enough to become a cultural staple. As such, the Miami bar scene was dealt a few devastatingly sad blows these past few
years, with the closing of Tobacco Road and the lightning quick yuppification of
Wynwood. But it's also had a sort of explosion of new bars as more of the city is getting
filled out with new development. Some of the new places still need to prove
themselves, and some already have. All in all, however, there are plenty of fun­ass
places to drink. Gramps (http://gramps.com/)
It only took a few months for this pseudo­dive to quietly become the centerpiece of the
Wynwood bar scene. While the cocktails are a little pricey, it sports some dope Miami
cubic windows, styled from the 80s, and a few different rooms and areas to get wasted
in. The place is sort of going for that Hotline Miami 80's coke­den vibe, and it succeeds.
Good music and DJs, and sometimes, you might see a great live act here. Everyone
who goes to Wynwood and gets exhausted by the other lame places ends up
decompressing at Gramps. Also, bonus points for the poster of Miami Blues, which just
so happens to be the finest film ever made about Miami. Appropriately, Gramps also
periodically hosts film nights.
Churchill's Pub (http://www.churchillspub.com/) This wonderfully smelly shithole in the heart of Little Haiti has long been a formative bar
for locals. If you ask anyone from here, he or she is more than likely to have many
memories of getting way too fucked up at Churchill's, or of getting angrily moshed to the
ground. Florida native Marilyn Manson played his first show here. Hell, someone shot a
porno in the bathroom
(http://la.spankbang.com/2r45/video/august+ames+fuck+me+in+the+public+bathroom
at Churchill's. The place hosts metal and punk shows frequently, as well as the
venerable and lovingly named International Noise Conference. Be sure to check out the
jazz/open mic night on Mondays to see some weird shit, and say to hello to Mr. C at the
door.
Gramps. Photo by Christina Arza Lagniappe (http://www.lagniappehouse.com/)
It might seem a little pinky­raising bougie to go to a place where you pick a wine (or
beer) and cheese pairing for your table and watch jazz. But it's chill. The wines can be
pretty cheap and generally are delicious. The place somehow manages to still feel
pretty casual, and people generally talk to each other and are very friendly, which is
abnormal for Miami bars. The outdoor lounge looks like a little makeshift party is going
on in your parent's backyard. There's live music every night, but word to the wise: On
Wednesday jazz nights, it gets so crowded that it's hard to walk inside. Seven Seas Karaoke (https://www.facebook.com/sevenseasbar/) You know you've made it to Seven Seas once you see the old school baby blue car and
the gaggle of motorcycles out front. This legendary Cuban karaoke place sports walls
filled with Florida Keys boating ephemera, a pool table, and songbooks longer than the
Torah. It's a great mix of clientele, and you're just as likely to see a trio of 80­year­old
Cuban men belting out some old Cuban jazz tune as you are to see a fuccboi from the
nearby university crying while crooning out some Pearl Jam song. Only go on Karaoke
nights: Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday.
Photo by Christina Arza Blackbird Ordinary (http://www.blackbirdordinary.com/) Blackbird began as a chill place to hang out and grab a cocktail, perhaps even play a
board game in one of the quiet booths. It's turned into the monstrous bar of choice for
Downtown yuppies and Brickell­ite's who are all trying to have sex with each other. The
drinks are still good, but we would suggest going there mostly to see Miami bros and
bro­ettes mating in their natural habitat, or at off­peak hours if you don't have the
stomach for that kind of thing. Wet Lab (https://www.facebook.com/pages/RSMAS­Wet­Lab/153399981347303?
fref=ts) The most unreal sunset view in Miami and the cheapest drinks are all in one place. This
might be a little bit of an intimidating visit for non­locals, as the bar is housed at the
marine science campus at the University of Miami, and it is frequented by students and
professors of the school. Also, you have to wander through the bowels of the school,
passing by parked boats and baskets of buoys to find it. But it's fucking awesome, and
totally worth it. All the beers are craft, and generally run from $3.50–$5, and it's not
uncommon to spot stingrays and dolphins in the bay. Take the stairs down to the beach
and drunkenly make sand­angels. The downside is it's only open Wednesday through
Friday while school's in session. Also, it closes before midnight, typically, so it's a great
pre­game option.
Photo by Christina Arza Mac's Club Deuce (http://www.macsclubdeuce.com/) This 1926­built bar is a piece of goddamned history. It is the oldest bar on the beach,
and one of the only places close to sand where you can get cheap drink without hassle.
Its owner, Mac Klein, is a tough 101­year­old Jewish veteran of World War II. He is a
local legend, a centenarian hustler, the man who makes the rules. In his bar, walls are
black, and they have survived some shit: Miami Vice cast parties
(http://www.miaminewtimes.com/music/macs­club­deuce­an­oral­history­
7882740), being named one of "America's Greatest Bars" by Playboy, and multiple
annoying Anthony Bourdain visits, who has rightfully called the place "a delightfully
festive establishment and antidote to South Beach." The only source of light on many
nights is the hot ­pink glow of the naked neon ladies who decorate the place. When you
walk in here, you cease to be the person you were. Here, you're just someone who's
drinking a cheap beer. And you're going to clink that beer next to someone who will
likely wind up a temporary best friend. Cash only. Free Spirits (https://www.facebook.com/FreeSpiritsBar/) The beach's other major dive bar smells exactly like Churchill's. Always full of people
looking for a cheap drink and a nice game of pool, this boozy hole sits right across from
a few major nightclubs and hotels, who no doubt wish Free Spirits would go away. It's
very satisfying to sit here and watch people line up at other clubs in their dresses and
suits, have a laugh, and realize how hollow your life is. The Broken Shaker (http://thefreehand.com/miami/venues/the­broken­shaker/) The Broken Shaker isn't exactly a Miami secret. It's fun as hell, and the drinks are
great. As a result, it's quite hoppin' most nights. This hyper­trendy hostel bar has made
a name for itself with its fresh cocktails and tiki hut­inspired vibe. People come from all
over to check out the vibes. There used to be ping pong tables and cornhole, but
they've been replaced by a garden for the bar's freshly­grown ingredients. The cocktails
are expensive and take time, but you can generally get a High Life much quicker if
you're don't give a shit about mixology (you shouldn't). Pro­tip: The neighboring
restaurant, 27 (http://thefreehand.com/miami/venues/restaurant/), is owned by the
same people and has an upstairs lounge that serves the same quality drinks with less
of a crowd. Lou's Beer Garden (http://lousbeergarden.com/) Much like how North Miami Beach is the chiller, cheaper, less crowded version of South
Beach, this bar is the much quieter pool lounge version of the Broken Shaker. It's
somewhat hidden and cool as fuck if you just want to get a drink and a nice bite. The
drinks are great, and you don't have to wait for them. And bonus: You get to sit around
a sparkly blue pool.
Ball & Chain. Photo by Christina Arza The Corner (http://www.thecornermiami.com/) This is Miami's ultimate post­game location. No matter where anyone goes throughout
the night, he or she ends up at this old­timey dive. It gets more crowded as the night
goes on, with people staying until the 5 AM closing time. Frankly, the drinks aren't that
great, but they always pack a punch, and that's what you're here for. It's the kind of
place where the bartenders dress like they've just survived the Great Depression—all
suspenders and waxed mustaches—but it's surprisingly tolerable. We spotted Paul
Giamatti here one time, right before one hobo threw a glass bottle at one of the dealer's
across the street. Paul kept drinking, as though nothing happened. Tuesday's jazz night
is killer.
Keg South (https://www.facebook.com/KegSouth/?fref=ts) This dusty hole­in­the­wall sits under a billboard on US 1. That's not an exaggeration.
You have to walk around the base of a billboard to enter this bar. But it's got everything
you'd want from a true dive: cheap pitchers, burgers that taste like they came off your
dad's 4th of July grill, and fantastic smokey wings. This place has a little bit of a
Southern cracker vibe, but that doesn't ruin its charm. It's been open for more than 50
years, and there's a reason for that.
Ball and Chain (http://www.ballandchainmiami.com) This Calle Ocho jazz bar was built in Little Havana in the 30s, and it is another historic
Miami spot that still manages to be fun. It hit hard times a few years back, and it
reopened in 2014 with a quirky­ass drink menu. You'll find drinks mixed with tobacco
(not as bad as it sounds), Cuban fruits (as good as it sounds), and pastelitos
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuban_pastry) (probably the most Miami you can do).
There is an outdoor bandshell shaped like a pineapple made for live music and blowing
minds. And there's a gigantic mural of Celia Cruz. It gets a little intensely clubby at night
on the weekends, and some might say it's played out and touristy, but you should
definitely make the visit. It has a paella party on Sundays, where you listen to music
and eat paella. Live jazz most nights. Probably hosts the best neon sign in Miami.
King of Diamonds (http://clubkod.com/) If you're a hip­hop fan, you've probably heard of this purple stripper emporium. But if
you want to feel like you're in a Miami rap video, you're going to have to drop some
serious dime. Strippers come in all shapes and sizes here, but they all have one thing
in common: They're incredibly aggressive and very, very expensive. So we would
recommend going in, getting a drink and hiding out a bit like a coward whose greatest
fear is naked women. The music alone will make it worth it. When two strippers sit on
your lap, remember to just say no. Unless, of course, you can afford it. Also, turn in
your guns at the door.
The Broken Shaker, photo by Christina Arza Tootsie's Cabaret (http://www.tootsiescabaret.com/) Now this is a strip club that really takes care of you. It's so accessible and relaxed it
feels more like you're at a sports bar than at a place of debauchery that lets you gawk
at women as much as you want (provided you have the singles). Also, check out the
adorable windmill! Some builder really put a lot of effort into that! Tootsie's also low­key
has the best wings in Miami. Try the lemon­pepper. They're the best.
E11EVEN (http://11miami.com/) This $40 million, three­story house of "burlesque" was built as someone's dream of
bringing Vegas trash to Miami. It's an absurd place, with a rooftop bar that houses live
music and a fancy Italian restaurant. While inside the strip club—er "burlesque area"—
you can expect to see women performing gymnastic feats and doing silly dances. It's
worth visiting if only for the weirdness of it all. If you go with a group, it can be really fun.
On special occasions, the place will have a crazy famous host, like Diplo or Drake or
Usher. If you're into that.
Wynwood Brewing. Photo by Christina Arza Wynwood Brewery Scene One alternative to the trendier bars of Wynwood would be to try the various breweries
in the area. They're all within walking distance of one another and each has at least one
or two great homemade beers you can try in the lounge areas. Try the Wynwood
Brewery (http://wynwoodbrewing.com/taproom/) if you want to sit down and play
some board games with a pretty friendly crowd. J. Wakefield Brewery
(http://www.jwakefieldbrewing.com/tap­room/) has an entire wall of Star Wars
murals and the best tasting beers of the bunch. Concrete Beach Brewery
(http://concretebeachbrewery.com/visit/wynwood/) has some nice architecture and
some nice beers, but after three beer breweries, you should probably be done drinking
beer at that point.
Purdy Lounge (http://purdylounge.com/) Purdy was a Miami Beach standard before the Miami bar scene really exploded. It's
dusky and sexy, yet really small and intimate. It has a reliably great reggae night on
Mondays for those that really want to groove, and Chocolate Sundays is one of the
most fun hip­hop nights in Miami. Great place to go if you sort of want to dance but
don't want the pressure of a club. May have lost some of its crowd to some of the newer
places.
Bodega Taqueria and Tequila (http://www.bodegasouthbeach.com/) Hey! A backroom that's behind a quaint taco shack that happens to be a gigantic club
bigger than the shack. How kitschy. How Eyes Wide Shut. While the facade and giant
artificial club line are annoying, this place is a party. And the tequila drinks are fucking
tasty. There is an 'Oh­my­god how cool are we for knowing about this place?!' vibe to
the people here that can be a touch annoying, but just accept it, and drink your drink.
Flannigan's (http://www.flanigans.net/monthly­promo.php) Flannigan's is a South Florida cracker seafood chain that just happens to be a great
place to drink once you've given up on the night, and perhaps on life. You get a
separate menu that consists solely of deals, and if you walk out of Flannies without
getting a bunch of free shit along the way, you're doing it wrong. Cheap pitchers often
come with free apps. There's a Flannigan's in every major area of Miami, so you should
run into one soon enough. Once there, you'll notice it has that Florida Keys seafood
tavern interior that feels quite charming while inebriated.
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor WHERE TO EAT
Miami's dining scene is a constantly evolving mishmash of cultures, with an
unsurprisingly heavy dose of Caribbean and Latin American influence. That means
great little mom and pop restaurants on almost every block serving thick, strong
cafecitos and pressed Cuban "sangwiches." But our little city has also been invaded by
celebrity chefs upping our culinary cred—after all, who wouldn't want to take a few
business trips to South Beach in the middle of an extremely brutal New York winter.
Chefs here rely heavily on local fruits and seafood, and some of the most interesting
eateries require a bit of a trek from the neon glitz of Miami Beach, whether it be in
search of burgers and craft beer in yuppified Wynwood or fried chicken in Little Haiti.
Burgers and Fritas You might not instantly think "burgers" when you think of Miami—but we've got our fair
share of great ones. (Don't hold the fact that Burger King's headquarters are located
here against us). If you won't settle for anything less than a quality burger and a craft
beer, the two best options are owned by the same person. Matt Kuscher's Coconut
Grove's Lokal (http://www.lokalmiami.com/) (in Coconut Grove) and Kush
(http://kushwynwood.com/) (in Wynwood) both serve the kinds of burgers that would
make you consider being the type of douche who uses the word "artisanal" seriously—
they're made with free­range, antiobiotic­free, Florida grass­fed beef. That's as
expensive as it sounds but makes for one damn fine burger. Both places have great
beer selections, with an emphasis on local made­in­Miami brews, which are totes
becoming a thing of late.
Of course, Miami has its own version of the burger—the frita. This Cuban take on the
American standard starts with a beef patty seasoned with a blend of herbs and spices
that include cumin and paprika. The patty is then topped with tangy ketchup, diced
onions, and then smothered in crunchy shoestring potatoes. You can also top it with a
fried egg and cheese. (LOL @ the American burger, come to think of it.) Though many
restaurants offer the frita, El Rey de las Fritas (http://elreydelasfritas.com/), Morro
Castle (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Morro­Castle/111646905538254), and El
Mago de las Fritas (https://www.facebook.com/elmagodelasfritas/) have been
vying for the frita title for years. We highly recommend buying a big bottle of Pepto,
apologizing to your stomach, and going on a frita journey to compare and contrast all
three.
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor A Trip to Havana If you haven't been to Cuba, you can still eat your way around the island in Miami. Sidle
up to any ventanitia, a restaurant with a walk­up window that you can find on nearly any
block in Miami Beach and Downtown Miami, for a shot of sugar­laced Cuban coffee.
Versailles (http://www.versaillesrestaurant.com/) in Little Havana is the most
famous Cuban restaurant in Miami. It's the place where old Cubans go to discuss
Castro's numerous death rumors. While you're on Calle Ocho (SW 8th Street), stop in
Azucar (http://www.azucaricecream.com/) for handmade ice cream in flavors like
sweet plantain, caramel flan, and cafe con leche. If you're looking for the best Cuban
sandwich in Miami, Enriqueta's
(https://plus.google.com/100781141645160464365/about) adds a secret weapon to
its Cubano—croquetas. The crunchy snack gives the classic sandwich of sweet ham,
roast pork, swiss cheese, pickles, and mustard added dimension and richness.
Get Fancy There's no doubt that Miami is a playground of the rich and beautiful. Jay­Z and
Beyonce hang in our juice bars, and Kim and Kanye have date nights here. You can def
eat on the cheap here, but if you're doing Miami right, you've got to ball out for at least
one night. On any given evening, expect to run into a Miami Heat player or a
Kardashian at Prime 112 (http://mylesrestaurantgroup.com/?page_id=51), who go
wild for the USDA Prime beef that's dry aged for 21–28 days. Joe's Stone Crab
(https://www.joesstonecrab.com/) is arguably the most famous restaurant on Miami
Beach. The restaurant opened in 1913 and is still family­run. The dining room doesn't
accept reservations, but the hour­long (on average) wait is worth it when you crack
open your first claw and dig out that sweet meat.
El Rey de las Fritas, photo by Christina Arza The Vagabond Restaurant (http://www.vagabondrestaurant.com/) in Miami's MiMo
District is also pretty great for removing you from your money. The restaurant, which
doubles as an art gallery, was recently restored to its original Mad Men era glory, and it
is helmed by chef Alex Chang. He's a wunderkind who first received recognition as the
subject of the documentary Paladar, the story of the illegal restaurant he and his
roommates ran from their apartment while students at the University of Southern
California. Try the peanuts and chapulines, a spicy, earthy snack made with
grasshoppers imported from Mexico. Because there's no more opulent way to spend
your coin than eating bugs.
Alter, photo by Christina Azra On the Farm
Just a half hour drive from the towering high rises of Miami lies Homestead (See:
Neighborhoods We Love), Miami's own farming community. It's also home to Schnebly
Redland's Winery (http://www.schneblywinery.com/), where tropical fruits like guava
and mango are turned into wine. The winery is also home to Miami Brewing Company
(http://www.miamibrewing.org/) and the Redlander restaurant. This gorgeous, yet
casual restaurant features hyper local grub like tabbouleh made with spent grains from
the beer making process and fish just caught that morning from the Florida Keys.
Homestead is also home Knaus Berry Farm (http://www.knausberryfarm.com/) and
what could be the world's best cinnamon rolls. People drive for hours for a dozen. Pair it
with a milkshake made with strawberries grown on premises and then cry silently to
yourself. Just be forewarned ­­ the family who owns the farm still does things the same
way it did when the restaurant opened in 1965. Homestead takes cash only and is
closed on Sundays and during the summer months. If you do find yourself in the area in
the summer, head over to Robert is Here. (https://robertishere.com/) This farm
stand/fruit market/petting zoo sells milkshakes made with tropical fruit like mango,
mamey, papaya, and key lime, and it offers both local and rare fruits from around the
world. Robert will even cut up your mango for you. It even has a tortoise petting zoo for
the young­ins. The Salty Donut. Photo by Christina Arza Only in Miami Other can't miss places include Wynwood's Salty Donut (http://saltydonut.com/) pop­
up, where Miamians line up for an hour or more for the shop's boozy donut creations.
There's also Myumi (https://www.facebook.com/MYUMIfoods/), which offers
Japanese omakase dinners from a food truck that are pretty untouchable. And Garcia's
(http://www.garciasmiami.com/), a combination fish market and seafood restaurant
on the Miami River, which is as boss as Rick Ross.
Couple more shout outs before we move on...
Yambo (https://www.facebook.com/YamboRestaurant/) Wedged between a car wash and an auto parts shop, this iconic SW First Street
restaurant is what Miami locals and their abuelitas call una fritanga. (Basically, a
working­class eating spot that serves traditional down­ home Nicaraguan grub.) But
unlike the Magic City's many other perfectly serviceable fritangas, the ambiance at
Yambo goes way beyond "Central American hospital cafeteria." This place is a quaintly
kaleidoscopic eye­ fuck of Nica knickknacks, patriotic statuary, and trippy folk art, from
mischievous donkey masks to sun drenched, slightly erotic portraits of chaste pre­ ­
Colombian native babes. Oh, and the food is fucking delicious too. Just memorize the
following phrase: "Carne asada con gallo pinto, maduros, y queso, por favor."
(Translation: Gimme two chunks of tasty ­ass grilled beef, please, with rice & beans,
sweet plantain, and fried cheese.) That's the absolutely classic menu choice at any
fritanga. However, for those diners with an adventuresome palate and literal intestinal
fortitude, we also recommend la lengua entomata, a stewed beef tongue dish, and the
pig blood sausage, otherwise known by the forbidding name moronga. As for drinks,
keep it simple and slurp down either a huge styrofoam cup of cacao, a chocolate milk
made from freshly roasted and ground cocoa beans, or a cold Toña, the cerveza of
choice among Nicaraguans since 1977.
Pinolandia (https://www.google.com/search?
q=pinolandia&oq=pinolandia&aqs=chrome..69i57.1327j0j4&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=
8#q=pinolandia+miami) Pinolandia is one of the best Nicaraguan fritangas in Miami. Located in Little Havana,
this low­key spot offers classic Nica dishes: carne asada, gallo pinto, queso frito—all
satisfyingly served, as it should be, on styrofoam plates. Be sure to get extra helpings
of the ensalada de repollo if you're into really good coleslaw. (Life tip: You should be
into really good coleslaw.)
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor Tap Tap (http://www.taptapmiamibeach.com/) In Haiti, a tap tap is a pimped­out jitney with a psychedelic paint job that serves as a
form of public transportation. In Miami, though, Tap Tap is a restaurant that keeps a
pimped­out jitney with a psychedelic paint job parked at the curb as a signal to Haitian
food lovers, saying, "This place has a kabrit nan sos that will make you bleat and
scream like a cannibal goat at feeding time." (FYI, the kabrit nan sos is stewed goat in
spicy scotch bonnet pepper and tomato sauce.) Other prime gwoplats (that's the creole
word for big plate) include the pwoson gwosel, a whole fried or seared snapper
drowned in hot lime sauce, and the griyo, a platter of crispy pork chunks. But you aren't
doing it like a true Ayitian unless you order dessert: Blanc Manger coconut pudding and
three shots of Barbancourt rhum. Palacio de los Jugos (http://www.elpalaciodelosjugos.com/en) The Palacio de los Jugos is best described as a Cuban open­air market and restaurant.
The classic yellow and red awnings contain various vendors providing everything from
just­picked coconuts, fresh tropical juices (we're talking everything: watermelon, mango,
mamey, etc.), and many other foods and desserts that'll leave you saying "que rico." La Palapa Hondurena (http://www.lapalapahondurena.com/) This hole­in­the­wall Honduran restaurant off Biscayne Boulevard has amazing food
that you'll sound cool as hell ordering like baleada con carne y papusa de chicharrone y
queso. (Say it 10 times, fast!) It also gets lit on the weekends with DJs and live music,
and it usually has soccer playing on the TVs.
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor SPORTS
Miami sports are relatively young in comparison with other large television markets and
other grand cities of America. With the exception of the Miami Dolphins, the other three
major franchises—Panthers (really, they exist), Marlins, Heat— are less than 30 years
old, with the first two born in 1993. Despite that, there are plenty of die hard fans here,
enough to balance out the kind of bandwagon Miami idiots who have never seen snow
but will claim they're huge hockey bros if the Panthers make a run. Soccer Eventually David Beckham will hammer down the people of Miami with his chiseled
colonial jaw to make Major League Soccer here a reality
(http://www.mlssoccer.com/post/2015/12/04/david­beckham­ownership­group­
announces­deal­miami­stadium­site­overtown). Until then, the North American
Soccer League (http://www.nasl.com/) starts in April, and we have a team! Miami FC
(https://www.miamifc.com/) kicks off its first season at FIU Stadium, and the team is
owned by Paolo Maldini and coached by Sandro Nesta. Both were very famous
footballers in their own right back in the day. It will be interesting to see if anyone cares
about NASL or professional soccer here in general, but watch out for Beckham to be
gifted millions in either property or tax incentives for his group's privately funded
stadium (http://www.mlssoccer.com/post/2015/12/04/david­beckham­ownership­
group­announces­deal­miami­stadium­site­overtown) because Miami just can't
resist a classically good looking businessman.
Until then, the big place to play rec soccer is Kendall Soccer Park
(http://www.miamidade.gov/parks/kendall­soccer.asp), Tropical Park
(http://www.miamidade.gov/parks/tropical.asp). Also, Amelia Earhart
(http://www.miamidade.gov/parks/amelia­earhart.asp) in Hialeah just opened up
brand new soccer pitches. But the real story is that basically every public park in Miami
that can handle it hosts pick­up soccer. People play footie all over and often. You just
need four cones, a ball, and a handful of not Anglo­Americans.
Fado (http://www.fadoirishpub.com/miami/) and Churchill's
(http://www.churchillspub.com/) air pretty much every Premier League game
regardless of how early they are. For specific vibes, Batch Gastropub
(http://www.batchmiami.com/) hosts Miami's Manchester United fans, and Fox and
Hound (http://www.foxandhound.com/) in Fort Lauderdale hosts Tottenham Spurs
fans. Whenever there is a big Champions League match happening, Fado and Fritz &
Franz (http://www.bierhaus.cc/enter.html) are the places to be. For big events like
the World Cup, cruise Lincoln Road and find a seat and make some new Euro friends. Basketball You have to go where the Heat play, because American Airlines Arena
(http://www.aaarena.com/) is full of people dressed like they're going to the club. (To.
The. Nines.) Alternatively, the University of Miami BankUnited Center
(http://bankunitedcenter.com/) can get very very loud, and you can get seats for
cheap. Margaret Pace Park (http://www.miamidade.gov/filmiami/gallery/park­
Margaret_Pace7918FE.asp) is by far the best green space the city of Miami has
cobbled together recently. It's amazing how active and alive it is. There's always a
game going and usually a million other things like yoga, soccer, food trucks, and ample
places for people's high­rise raised dog to shit. During the Lebron­era playoff run, the best place to watch the game by a million miles
was Mike's at Venetia Restaurant and Irish Pub (http://www.mikesvenetia.com/).
There was always a decent crowd, and you were close enough to bang some pots and
pans and maybe get caught in a Junkanoo (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Junkanoo).
Nowadays, we have to settle for mildly competitive play and the ever looming promise
of Pat Riley's genius. Stick with Mike's. It took us there and back again.
Domino Park, photo by Christina Arza Baseball Even though they have, without question, the best unofficial theme song
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fof40yqaW1U) in the entire MLB courtesy of
sad Creed frontman Scott Stapp, the Marlins are absolute garbage, and to root for them
almost means you hate the city. Due to much publicized fuckery
(http://deadspin.com/5978964/the­real­cost­to­miami­for­marlins­park­is­in­the­
billions) on behalf of the team's shit bag, art­dealing owner, our great great great
grandchildren will still be paying for Marlins Park
(http://miami.marlins.mlb.com/mia/ballpark/) when aliens land and harvest the
internal organs of every designated hitter in the American League, and finally ruin
baseball for good. If you've got a few hours to kill and a good opposing team is in town,
it's might be worth heading to the park. Otherwise, maybe best to watch the University
of Miami's baseball team, which is a perennial contender. The team plays at the
comically named Alex Rodriguez Park at Mark Light Field
(http://www.hurricanesports.com/ViewArticle.dbml?ATCLID=205561455) in Coral
Gables.
There aren't really any Marlins' bars, per se. Almost 100 percent of the time, if you ask
people to put a Marlins' game on at a bar, they think you're kidding. There's Bowl Bar
(http://www.yelp.com/biz/bowl­bar­packaging­and­liquor­miami), which is next to
the ballpark, but that place has more hookers than lights, and the only TV is a karaoke
machine. If you're looking for a place to watch a Marlins game in public, you probably
have a meth problem.
Instead, join one of the rec softball leagues at Peacock Park
(http://www.miamiandbeaches.com/parks/peacock­park/101627) in the Grove. The
field isn't the best one available, but being within walking distance of the fish tacos at
Sandbar Sports Grill (http://sandbarsportsgrill.net/) helps build camaraderie like the
pros. Also, Sandbar is a solid University of Miami hangout and a good place to catch
any kind of sporting event amongst a youthful crowd. Football Joe Robbie Stadium, now Sun Life Stadium (http://www.sunlifestadium.com/), still
has our hearts—even if the Dolphins are being run by a piece of lint Stephen Ross
made friends with in the 1990s. The best place to watch the Dolphins would be the
early 1970s. Second best place would be Shuckers
(http://www.shuckersbarandgrill.com/). Third best place would be on a yacht with DJ
Khaled. Don't watch the Dolphins unless you're getting beered up at Shuckers. They
will only leave you cold, alone, and 6–10.
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor ART, CULTURE, AND THE GREAT OUTDOORS
Putting your vapid Miami Vice fantasies of the Magic City to rest has been the mission
of a generation of millennials and settled­down Gen­Xers who chose to stay in this
sunny town instead of fleeing to New York or Los Angeles. They met their goal of
creating strong, supportive art, music, fashion, and foodie scenes in a town mostly
known for the quality of its cocaine.
And since Art Basel sat its fat art ass on Miami Beach over a decade back, culturally,
the city has blossomed from a backyard garden to an all­out jungle. There's always
been something completely other to do in Miami, and those weird­o roadside attractions
withstood the test of time, but nowadays, the city has plenty of legit cool galleries,
contemporary art collections, world­class museums, and cultural affairs that mentally
and visually transport you to tropical Caribbean islands. Yes, go to Miami Beach; that shit is amazing. The water is piss warm in November. It's
heavenly. But don't miss all of the other feats of cultural genius that have sprouted from
the minds and hands of Miami's weirdest and most ambitious creators.
The Everglades (http://www.nps.gov/ever/index.htm) South Florida has one of the most unique water systems on the planet, the Everglades.
Now, you can take your chances with the sawgrass, mosquitoes, and gators by
canoeing there, or you can just hit up the Miccosukee Indian Village
(http://www.miccosukee.com/indian­village/) for a very loud but intimate airboat ride.
The boats are driven by redneck Seminoles who are so familiar with the landscape that
they see an overlay of a roadmap on what looks like an endless river of grass. The
Village also has a bit of alligator wrestling for the kiddies. You usually get to pet a baby
gator yourself, so it's worth a trip. The HM69 Nike Missile Base
(http://www.nps.gov/ever/learn/historyculture/hm69.htm) Built in Everglades National Park right after the Cuban Missile Crisis, this
decommissioned missile base once had nukes aimed at Havana. It's one of the few
places where you can enjoy one of the most unique ecosystems in the world while also
contemplating the prospect of total annihilation. Guided tours of this creepy Cold War
relic are given from December—April. Python Spotting
(http://www.nps.gov/ever/learn/nature/burmesepythonsintro.htm) The Everglades are being overrun by pythons because a bunch of former owners
realized that having a giant snake is a stupid idea. These snakes are destroying the
Everglades ecosystem, and driving down gator and bird populations—which is why
there's a contest (http://pythonchallenge.org/) to destroy them. Though you need a
permit to hunt these exotic serpents, feel free to still take a snap of 'em. Be sure to then
report these fuckers to the National Park Service.
Vizcaya, photo by Christina Azra Ocean Drive You would be a fool not to take in all the ridiculousness of the beachside strip of Ocean
Drive. South Beach may be like that tacky old stereotypical aunt you're not sure your
friends will like, but her tasteless jokes and faux pas are what make her so special.
There's an actual gay beach at 12th Street. And you can enjoy a drag brunch with
insane acrobatics by experienced drag queens and unlimited mimosas at Palace Bar
(http://palacesouthbeach.com/) across the street. And, because fuck it, go to
Mango's Tropical Café (http://www.mangos.com/) for a drink but not food. This will
be where you realize you're no better than anyone else in the world, and that salsa
dancing kind of makes you horny.
Charles Deering Estate Vizcaya (http://vizcaya.org/) may be the fanciest castle­like villa in town—it took
James Deering nine years to build—but his less pretentious brother Charles made a
more humble but equally charming real estate investment. Down Old Cutler Road, you'll
find the succulent Fairchild Tropical Botanic Gardens
(http://www.fairchildgarden.org/), the former Parrot Jungle
(https://www.jungleisland.com/) grounds where some Macaws remain, and even a
mangrove you can bike through to a man­made beach at Matheson Hammock Park
(http://www.miamidade.gov/parks/matheson­hammock.asp). But driving farther
leads you to the Charles Deering Estate
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Deering_Estate). The three­story wooden
house built in 1900 overlooks a tropical hammock, untouched by man. Fairchild may be
more lush, but this place will blast your ass back to living in Florida in the 20s—and it
feels the good kind of spooky. It's simple, it has breathtaking sunsets, and if you're rich
and patient, you can get married there.
Photo by Christina Arza Russian and Turkish Baths People usually get to Miami and decide they "need to relax" after drinking for three days
straight. They think it'll cure their alcohol­induced acne and lurching stomach. These
people usually hit the spa at the Standard (https://www.standard.com/) or the
Delano (http://www.delano­hotel.com/), which are, granted, very nice. But if you want
a side of borscht with your back rub, head a little further north up Collins Avenue to the
Russian and Turkish Baths (http://www.russianturkishbaths.com/)in the basement
of the Castle Beach Club (https://www.vrbo.com/vacation­
rentals/usa/florida/south­east/miami­beach/mid­beach/castle­beach­club) hotel.
Not only does it have the regular spa stuff, but it also has an infrared sauna and a very
odd co­ed hammam with a heavy duty salt waterfall. There's a full kitchen serving up
Russian cuisine right next to the gym down there too. This is the strangest spa you may
ever enjoy. Venetian Pool The Venetian Pool (http://coralgables.com/index.aspx?page=167) is situated in the
heart of Coral Gables (See: Neighborhoods We Love) and is made entirely out of coral.
Years ago, it would empty out the massive pool daily because it only used freezing
cold, fresh water. Someone must have informed the place that it was sucking the
Everglades dry or something because it uses normal pool water now. There's a dark
grotto for fucking (j/k) or smooching and a waterfall that you're really not supposed to
jump off. Haulover Beach It's hot in Miami, so your wang and other unmentionables will want some air. Don't bring
them out in public unless you're on Haulover Beach
(http://www.miamidade.gov/parks/haulover.asp). This naturist enclave is at the
northernmost tip of the county with a gay and straight side, so sun accordingly. Museums Miami has museums. You may not know that, but it does. The largest is the Perez Art
Museum Miami (http://www.pamm.org/) (PAMM), which is an eco­friendly Herzog de
Meuron (https://www.herzogdemeuron.com/) structure with huge hanging gardens,
situated on Biscayne Bay where dolphins leap. You can sit on the grand, but austere
outdoor staircase to watch cruise ships float by or head inside for exhibitions featuring
some of the bigger names in contemporary art like Doris Salcedo. The much newer
Institute for Contemporary Art Miami (http://www.icamiami.org/) is currently
occupying the beautiful Moore space in the Design District while its new structure is
being built. Kim Gordon played at its first ever gala, and ICA's star curator Alex
Gartenfeld is pulling in legit shows that have all eyes on Miami.
Photo by Christina Arza Art Galleries and Collections Ever since Art Basel Miami Beach crashed down on South Florida, the local art scene
has become overwhelming. Locust Projects (http://www.locustprojects.org/) has
been showcasing the area's best artists since 1998. The Little Haiti area is booming
with worthwhile galleries like Spinello Projects (http://spinelloprojects.com/),
Dorsch Gallery (http://www.emersondorsch.com/), and Diet Gallery
(http://gallerydiet.com/). But little do many know, Miami has three of the largest
private, contemporary art collections in the US on display. They are all within a mile of
one another and function almost like museums. The De la Cruz Collection
(http://www.delacruzcollection.org/) built out a huge structure in what has become
the very high­end, posh shopping hood, the Design District
(http://www.miamidesigndistrict.net/). Two Wynwood originals and strongholds are
the Rubell Family Collection (https://rfc.museum/) and the Margulies Collection
(http://www.margulieswarehouse.com/)—all which demonstrate why it'd be cool to
make a ton of money and buy all of your favorite art. VersaceVersaceVersace (http://versaceversaceversace.net/) Formerly Guccivuitton, VersaceVersaceVersace is unquestionably the hottest artist­led
gallery in Miami right now. A space that focuses on future­bent contemporary art and
regional folk vernacular, the gallery is the perfect blend of smart, cheekily self­aware,
and is local af. Run by Loriel Beltran, Aramis Gutierrez, and Domingo Castillo, you can
expect high concepts and deep meditations on the role of luxury in Miami. Coral Castle/ Monkey Jungle/ Stiltsville National Park The only really good reason to travel by car in the US are the roadside attractions.
Miami has its share, but the most spectacular oddities have to be Monkey Jungle
(http://www.monkeyjungle.com/), where you're the one caged and the monkeys run
free. There's Coral Castle (http://coralcastle.com/), an outdoor structure with a
throne, half moons, and a Saturn made of coral rock by a tiny Latvian man in the 20s. It
has one of the most bizarre, romantic, and possibly supernatural backstories of any
attraction. There's also Stiltsville National Park
(http://www.nps.gov/bisc/learn/historyculture/stiltsville.htm), which you have to
boat to and get a permit to visit. So, I've never been there, but chilling and staring at
those houses out on stilts looks like a nice way to pass a Sunday.
The Skunk Ape Headquarters (http://www.skunkape.biz/) The Skunk Ape is Florida's filthy version of Bigfoot. The Skunk Ape Headquarters is a
kitschy "research" facility in Big Cypress National Preserve, dedicated to the hunt for
the elusive hominid. Unlike its fresher, pinier­smelling Pacific cousin, the Skunk Ape
reportedly smells like shit. Go to the headquarters for Skunk Ape swag and tours. Miami Jai Alai (http://www.casinomiamijaialai.com/) Besides the name of a local poetry magazine (http://www.jaialaimag.org/), Jai Alai is
a sport originally from the Basque region. Dudes with xisteras (curved bat things) swing
a ball at crazy speeds against a wall, (usually) barely avoiding injury. Though we're not
exactly sure how teams win, it's great to watch and bet on, especially since when
drinking cheap beer and yelling. Super Wheels (http://www.superwheelsmiami.com/) Formerly Hot Wheels, Super Wheels is a classic skating rink where many of us natives
grew up booty dancing to Miami bass. Go if you're into cheesy neon, skating in a circle
for hours, and Uncle Luke blasting at high volumes. Watch out for the 10­year­old pros
whizzing past you while skating backwards and teaching you how to dougie.
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor MUSIC AND NIGHTLIFE
Much like the Colombian women flirting with the bouncer, Miami's nightlife scene gets
frequent facelifts. It's not unusual for a club or venue to open, gain a strong following,
and suddenly close a few years later. Some don't even make it past the 12 month mark,
or even the six. Suffice to say, it's tough in these streets, and competition is stiff.
Despite the here­today, gone­tomorrow nature of most its institutions, Miami remains a
world­renown nightlife destination. While the names and faces of clubs may change,
the hunger of locals and tourists for after­hour diversions remains insatiable. Our clubs
are open until 5 AM across the board, and some of them never close—ever. Head to
these spots to get your dance on, or to see some live music. But please, do your coke
in the bathroom, and unroll your dollars before tipping your bartender. South Beach
This is it, the Vice City capital that Will Smith sang about. This is where models and
Madonna often flock, where mobsters ran mega clubs, and where most visitors spend
most of their time. Truth be told, they're not in Miami. The City of Miami Beach is its
own municipality, and it's actually an island unto itself, totally man­made 100 years ago.
Naturally, it's here you'll find the most illustrious EDM party palaces. LIV
(http://www.livnightclub.com/) is one of the world's most famous VIP­centric clubs, a
haven for both big room house DJs and hip­hop superstars. It's where Calvin Harris
kicked out that "dumb fucking bitch (https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=HQSfZDD9eyU)." Drake sings about it in "305 to My City." It's sister club Story
(http://storymiami.com/) is just as opulent but caters to a deeper taste in house. South
Beach used to be the home of Mansion nightclub, where DJ Shadow was kicked off the
decks for being "too future," but Mansion has since shut down and was reopened as
Icon Nightclub (http://iconmiami.com/), though it still caters to beefcakes in Cuban
links and their bottle rats. Those looking for a cheaper, dive­ier, music­first dance experience are better off
heading to Trade (http://trademia.com/), Treehouse
(http://www.treehousemiami.com/), or Do Not Sit on the Furniture
(https://www.facebook.com/DoNotSit), which is lined with gold­painted cassette
tapes and stuffed full of people dancing so hard they heed the warning. Downstairs
from Trade, you'll find a bunch of hunky gay dudes dancing to Beyonce at Score
(http://www.scorebar.net/). Another LGBT favorite is the multi­roomed Twist
(http://www.twistsobe.com/), which does have the dirtier (in a sexy way) reputation.
Photo by Christina Arza Many of the historic hotels on Washington and Collins have been renovated to include
top­tier discotheque's. FDR (https://www.facebook.com/fdrsobe/) at the Delano is
famous for it's wild, celebrity­infested hip­hop Mondays. Across the street, the Gale
Hotel's Rec Room (http://www.recroomies.com/) fits a house party vibe between its
vinyl­lined walls. Basement (http://basementmiami.com/) at the Edition has become
a SoBe crown jewel thanks to its neon­lit bowling alley and ice skating rink. And each
month, more parties find homes on the new dance floors at the Thompson
(http://www.thompsonhotels.com/hotels/thompson­miami­beach) and The 1 Hotel
(https://1hotels.com/south­beach) rooftop. Elsewhere, there's Audiotheque (http://subtropics.org/), probably the only
experimental music space of its kind. It's an intimate venue on South Beach that
regularly brings in avant­garde musicians from around the world. The acoustics in the
space are unbeatable, perfect for jamming out to sound art. You could walk up and down SoBe's main drags and find a million places to blow your
cash, but be prepared to spend silly amounts of money wherever you go. Parking alone
can set you back $40, and a humble Heineken can run $16. Gratuity is often included
on the beach, so make sure you're not too drunk to check before you sign. No one said
Big Pimpin' was easy.
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor Mainland
If you want to have a good time and money left over for snacks, you're better off across
the bridge with the locals of Miami proper. One thing that SoBe and the mainland have
in common is a strong preference for dance music, all styles and BPMs. If seven hours
of drug­fueled oblivion is your prerogative, you're likely to end up Downtown or in the
Wynwood arts district. Wynwood is Miami's hippest emerging hood, so expect all the
trappings that it suggests. Top dogs in those streets are the The Electric Pickle Co.
(http://www.electricpicklemiami.com/) (locals just call it "The Pickle), where house
and techno reign, or Bardot (http://www.bardotmiami.com/), home of cutting­edge
indie, disco, and future beats. Coyo Taco
(https://www.facebook.com/coyotacowynwood/) is a new joint that serves Mexican
finger food with a dope, 100­person "club" in the back. We suggest the fish tacos with a
side of Murk Mondays, an always­packed party hosted by Oscar G and Lazaro
Casanova that'll get your week off on the right foot. A few blocks away in Downtown, most of the action circles the 24­hour district between
Northeast First and North Miami Avenue on the Northeast 11th Street block. Club
Space (http://www.clubspace.com/) was the first to plant a flag, and with it's 24­hour
liquor license, it made the all­day district possible. It only operates on Saturdays, but it's
the only place to catch a marathon set from someone like Eric Prydz as the sun rises.
Heart Nightclub (http://www.heartnightclub.com/) is its sister spot, open for
business on Fridays. Next door, The Hangar
(https://www.facebook.com/Thehangar305/) is gaining a reputation for great intimate
shows from rappers and DJs alike, and nearby Libertine's
(https://www.facebook.com/libertinemiami/) hip lounge atmosphere keeps the party
going Thursday through Sunday from 11 PM "till whenever." Across the street is
E11even (http://11miami.com/), the mega club­meets­strip club that never closes, no
matter the hour, day, or weather conditions. It's pretty wild. You've got to see it to
believe it. (Read more about it in our Where to Drink section) Festival Season In Miami, summer is a dead zone. It's too hot for anyone but locals to stand the pit
stains, but as soon as October comes around, the snowbirds start landing, and things
really come to life. Things kick off in early October with III Points (http://iiipoints.com/)
Art, Music, and Technology festival. With three years behind it, it's young, but it's
making waves, putting headliners from Jamie XX to Run the Jewels, AlunaGeorge, and
Duke Dumont on top of a stacked local lineup designed to show off our homegrown
talent. Early December is the time of Art Basel Miami Beach
(https://www.artbasel.com/miami­beach), an international art show that spawned 20­
plus satellite fairs and more giant concerts and high­profile after­parties than anyone
could have ever imagined. Of course, the big daddy rager is in late March when Ultra Music Festival
(https://ultramusicfestival.com/) takes over the heart of the city. For three days, that
behemoth grabs the city by the balls, totally overshadowing the Winter Music
Conference (http://wintermusicconference.com/) that inspired it. UMF even branded
its own week of celebrations, Miami Music Week (http://miamimusicweek.com/), the
new catch­all term for the nearly­endless array of satellite parties and label showcases
popping off all over South Beach and Miami proper. The whole EDM industry comes to
Miami that week. If you like partying at all, it's something to see.
Photo by Christina Arza Hang the DJ
Maybe you hate dance music. It's weird that you're in Miami but whatever. Our beautiful
beaches don't discriminate. If you want to drink and listen to rock music, there are
places you can find solace. Churchill's (http://www.churchillspub.com/) in Little
Haiti, which we blurbed in the Where to Drink section, is a favorite of Iggy Pop and has
offered mud­covered punk rockers a sub­tropic place to call home since 1979. Wood
Tavern (http://woodtavernmiami.com/) has a pretty diverse range of tunes—
everything from New wave to 90s hip­hop—although it's been discovered by
mainstream crowds, so prepare to wait in line. If you want to feel the heat of Latin rhythms, head to Little Havana and check out the
live musicians at Hoy Como Ayer (http://www.hoycomoayer.us/), where salsa reigns
supreme, or have a drink and a dance at cozy Ball and Chain
(https://www.facebook.com/BallandChainMiami/). Less authentic but also very fun is
the dinner show at El Tucan (http://eltucanmiami.com/), where you can enjoy steak
and burlesque at the same damn time. If you're not too white, get your bachata on at
Club Tipico Dominicano (https://www.facebook.com/clubtipicodominicano/) in
Allapattah. La Covacha (http://www.lacovacha.com/) is off the beaten path in the
warehouse district of Doral, but it's one of the best places in town to dance with locals
to salsa, merengue, and vallenato. If you're stuck on the beach and looking for
something with an infectious beat, head to Mango'sTropical Café
(http://www.mangos.com/). It's a bit of a tourist trap, but the dinner show is fantastic,
and honestly, every local has done it at least once.
Family Friendly If you're in town with your parents or just love big ticket pop shows, there are a few
places you can head to satisfy all age groups. The American Airlines Arena
(http://www.aaarena.com/) is both where the Heat and superstars like Adelle play.
The Klipsch Amphitheater (http://www.klipsch.com/klipsch­amphitheater­at­
bayfront­park)at Bayfront Park is a great place to catch an open­air show, and the
beautiful Adrienne Arsht Center (http://www.arshtcenter.org/) frequently brings
great musicals, bands, and jazz performers for a more highbrow audience.
Fillmore Miami, photo by Christina Arza Across the bay, on the beach, is the 2,000­capacity Fillmore
(http://www.fillmoremb.com/) at the historic Jackie Gleason Theater, complete with
an intimate space in back for drag shows and other frivolities. Across the street is the
New World Symphony (https://www.nws.edu/), which often projects its classical
concerts and other performances outside for free. A lot of free shows also go down at
the North Beach Bandshell (http://www.northbeachbandshell.com/), which actually
books a lot of fantastic local and nationally­touring acts, so check its site when you
come to town.
Sweat Records. Photo by Christina Arza WHERE TO SHOP
Miami is tacky and materialistic—that's not news to anyone who lives here or has
visited the city. Or has any passing knowledge of it at all, really. Miami Vice certainly
cemented the city's reputation for outlandish, if impractical, fashion. And the weather—
which can only be described as being stuck in someone's swampy tender bits after an
intense cardio workout—means things like layers and all­black ensembles are more
torture than fashion statement.
But don't let Miami's thirst for designer labels fool you. Places like Bal Harbour Shops
(http://www.balharbourshops.com) and the Design District
(http://www.miamidesigndistrict.net) are meant for the wives of Russian oligarchs
and rich Latin Americans with questionable backgrounds. For everyone else, shopping
around Miami is more about looking like you earn a drug lord­sized payout while
shopping on a dime bag dealer budget. Places like Flamingo Shopping Plaza
(https://www.google.com/maps/dir/%27%27/flamingo+shopping+plaza+miami/@25.832
80.2605215!2d25.832666), a thrift shop mecca in the suburb of Hialeah anchored by a
Red White & Blue (http://redwhiteandbluethriftstore.com) and the Community
Family Thrift Shop (http://www.communityfamilythrift.com), have long been a
locals­only secret. And it's not unheard to find high­end brands among the mountains of
clothes there. Over in the Miami neighborhood of Little Haiti, Little Haiti Thrift & Gift Store
(http://thriftshopmiami.com) also offers someone else's discarded threads but without
having to wade through the stretched out and discolored shit brands from your local
mall. Instead, the shop keeps it simple and better organized in case you lack the
willpower of trying not to elbow someone's abuela while thrifting. Other not­shit places to help feed your inner shopaholic include...
Sweat Records (http://sweatrecordsmiami.com) Compared to most record stores, Sweat is miniscule. But the place makes good use of
its tiny space, offering the latest vinyl you're looking for plus some harder­to­find and
out­of­print selections in case you're the kind of asshole who likes bragging about how
complete your record collection is. To Miami's music scene, Sweat is more than just a
record store, it's also a gathering place and event space, hosting everything from
comedy nights to live performances. Yesterday & Today Records (http://www.miaminewtimes.com/location/yesterday­
and­today­records­6419054) Located in an area where strip malls and chain fast food joints are more common, if you
are looking for collectable and reissued vinyl, Yesterday & Today probably has it in
stock. The shop, which is packed wall to wall with records, carries everything from rock,
punk, soul, blues, disco, experimental, and more. It's the kind of place you'll get lost in
while mindlessly looking through racks and racks of records.
Books & Books, photo by Christina Arza Books & Books (http://www.booksandbooks.com)
Believe it or not, between all the silicone, cocaine and neon, Miami has a pretty
awesome literary scene. Anchoring it is Books & Books, the local independent
bookstore in the posh suburb of Coral Gables. It has a vast selection of literature, with
special attention paid to local and Florida authors—because you can never read too
much Carl Hiaasen. There are other locations in Miami Beach, Bal Harbour, and
Downtown, but the Gables' locale is still considered the ultimate safe space for Miami's
intelligentsia. (Which exists, we swear!)
Base Superstore (http://www.baseworld.com) Most bros on South Beach dress a bit like douches. Especially if they buy their clothes
somewhere nearby. A way to avoid that is by shopping at Base Superstore, which has
been the fashion barometer for Miami men since 1989. It carries a rotating array of
international brands, and not all of them will make you look like a deep V­neck wanna
DJ dickhead. A good store to help you avoid looking like you're trying too too hard.
C. Madeleine's (http://www.cmadeleines.com) There's vintage shopping, and then there's C. Madeleine's in North Miami. To call it a
consignment or thrift store is an insult to what the store's namesake has done. One­of­
a­kind vintage designer pieces are always in stock. With items from Bob Mackie to
Oscar de la Renta, you'll come out looking like Elvira Hancock
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elvira_Hancock) by the time you're done shopping.
Often overlooked is the store's menswear collection, which isn't as extensive as the
womenswear, but is just as top notch.
Base Superstore, photo by Christina Arza Miami Twice (http://www.miamitwice.com) Don't let the dumb cutesy name fool you: This suburb vintage store is the sort of place
weird girls in high school get their prom dresses. Miami Twice (it really is a bad name)
also carries contemporary clothes targeting the city's many subcultures from rockabilly
to tropigoth (look it up). For the serious shopper, it carries vintage designer pieces and
thrifty finds that have made it a favorite since Crockett and Tubbs refused to wear
socks. Conveniently located next to the city's biggest reptilian feed store, Miami Mice,
and Dungeons and Dragons' game­piece supplier, Miami Dice. Flossie's From Santeria to Vodou and Obeah, Miami's mix of cultures have also imported the
Afro­Caribbean religions that mix Christianity and African religious practices. As a
result, botánicas are a dime a dozen around the city. Flossie's is probably one of the
most popular ones thanks to its central location Downtown. The store stocks crystals,
candles, oils, and spells as well as plenty of items to please astrology buffs. Fly Boutique (http://www.flyboutiquevintage.com) This MiMo District store has plenty of vintage and designer clothing, but what sets it
apart from similar stores nearby are the vintage furniture pieces it carries that range
from mid­century to art deco. There's also artwork, lamps, rotary phones, and
tchotchkes for arranging around the house. Because what would you do without a
rotary phone? ¡Ñooo! ¡Que Barato! (https://www.facebook.com/Ñooo­Que­Barato­
194037873948260/) You aren't going to find the most fashionable stuff here—the store's name roughly
translates to "Damn, that's cheap!"—but what you will find is the most Miami store in all
of Miami. From bata de casas (the uniform of Hispanic grandmothers everywhere) to
off­brand jeans, guayaberas, and blue­collar job uniforms, the only thing holding you
back from a new wardrobe is some needle and thread to refashion whatever cheap
pieces you end up buying. Even if you don't end up spending a nickel, it will get you out
of South Beach and exploring the real Miami for a couple of hours Style Mafia (http://stylemafia.us) Despite claiming to be fashion­forward, Miami has few homegrown designers not
making the kind of stuff Sofia Vergara wears on Modern Family. Style Mafia's founder
and creative director, Simonett Pereira, has made it her mission to strengthen the city's
fashion culture by repping Miami's style in a way that's functional yet affordable and
fashionable yet comfortable, going beyond just making tight dresses for fiery Latinas.
Photo by Ian Patrick O'Connor HOW TO GET AROUND
The jitney (http://www.miamidade.gov/licenses/jitneys.asp) is almost the cheapest
way to get around the city at $1.50 a ride. You'll have a truly Haitian experience in one
of these big, white vans that run mostly north of Downtown Miami. There's no air
conditioning, but the jitney driver will stop anywhere on his o her route if you ask. Each
has a Passenger Motor Carrier Certificate of Transportation, so you won't have a Ted
Bundy moment on your trip to ICA Miami (http://www.icamiami.org/). The actual
cheapest form of transport are the free, red trolleys
(http://www.miamigov.com/trolley/) that roll through certain neighborhoods like Coral
Gables and Midtown. For those, you can just hop on and off as you please. But you'll probably want to either rent a car, or take your chances with Uber
(https://www.uber.com/) or Lyft (https://www.lyft.com/). It's likely that, unless you hit
surge charges, it'll all cost you the same as a rental. There is the MetroRail
(http://www.miamidade.gov/transit/metrorail.asp), which has a limited route running
southwest to northwest and out to Miami International Airport. The Metrobuses
(http://www.miamidade.gov/transit/metrobus.asp) run regularly, but they are not as
cheap as you might think at $2.25 a ride. Still, the interactions you'll have with folks are
worth the extra quarters. Buses run from 4 AM to midnight, and you'll be arriving home
at about 5, so that works. To visit your bubbies in West Palm and Fort Lauderdale, the Tri­Rail (http://www.tri­
rail.com/) is probably the fastest way to go. The omnipresent Citi Bike
(http://www.decobike.com/)—aka Deco Bike—makes it easy for an eager cyclist to
pedal through the swampy, flat terrain, dodging BMW drivers high on flakka
(https://www.vice.com/tag/Flakka) the whole way. Finally, there are boats and all sorts of vehicles that you can use to ride on waves. You
can rent sailboats, canoes, surfboards, jet skis or yachts. There was even an UberBoat
(https://newsroom.uber.com/us­florida/uberboat­powered­by­stella­artois/) that
assisted in dodging the soul­crushing traffic during Art Basel Miami Beach. You can
honestly rent airplanes to fly over the Everglades too. You'll just have to decide if your
budget is more beach bum or DJ Khaled.
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TOPICS: cityguide (/tag/cityguide), cityguides (/tag/cityguides), city guide (/tag/city+guide), city guides (/tag/city+guides), travel
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COMMENTS
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Saggs McKee
definitely an experiment left too long in a petri dish. escape before you become one of them.
Like · Reply · 21 hrs
Doug Palmer · Diver at P & L Towing and Transportation
you hit the nail on the head
Like · Reply · 22 hrs
Frank Nordquest
Like many other major cities you pay "more" for everything in Miami.
Like · Reply · 22 hrs
Dillion Wolff · Prep Chef at Cafe Ponte
No micheals genuine food and drink anywhere??
Like · Reply · Feb 18, 2016 3:12pm
Ed Mack
Fantastic guide!
Like · Reply ·
1 · Feb 18, 2016 12:29am
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