Daily Bull 2012-04

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The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like high school valedictorians!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tech Grad Student Sets Age Record
Nothing’s so apt to undermine
your confidence in a product as
knowing that the commercial
selling it has been approved
by the company that make it.
-Franklin P. Jones
By OLD FART ~ Daily Bull
New Spring
Relationships
Cause Fall of
Verizon Network.
by Jon ‘Big O’ Mahan
~ Daily Bull
As many of you know, this
past Monday the Verizon
network came down, resulting in hours of service
outage. Many people have
given their ideas as to why
the towers went down. Well,
our Daily Bull super hackers
have gotten to the bottom
of the issue.
Through our advanced hacking techniques, which we’ve
dubbed Bull-shitting, we
found the logs of all the data
sent through the Verizon
tower. Most of it was normal
where are you’s, updates
about class, terrible midget
deer/truck furry necrophilia
involving you don’t wanna
know what (we know what
you did 1-906-***-****).
But suddenly there was a
see AT&T LOL on back
Houghton, MI:
Michigan Tech has announced that
there is a special member of the incoming class of graduate students for
the fall. The student, one Jerry Locks,
will become the oldest known graduate student in history when he begins
his time in the Geology department.
How old is he? Apparently, older than
dirt, midget weasels, communism, and
the Simpsons.
President Mroz, when announcing the
acceptance of the elderly student, had
this to say: “Well, he graduated from
here so long ago that most people
probably forgot him. He’s from those
days when wearing a coonskin cap was
not only fashionable, but encouraged.
I think he even was around before that
newfangled Pep Band we have running
around here somewhere. I heard he’s
so old, he planted the EERC tree! Can
you imagine that?”
Graduate chair Dr. Huntoon described
her decision to allow such an odd student into school. “Well, we’ve been
drastically reaching out to different
groups for diversity: women, Minnesotans, Asians, neckbeards….women.
The largest group we haven’t reached
out to is the elderly! Plenty of older
folks with money are out there, just
wanting to relive their glory days. Why
retire to Florida when you can return to
school and hit on our ever-increasing
number of women? “
Word around campus was mixed.
Some, such as Cory Rokes, were excited. “I hear he’s a pretty crazy party
animal, especially when he drinks
some ROARING LION!!! WOO DELICIOUS ENERGY!!”
Ed Leonard (the drummer), was a bit
more contemplative. “Man, he’s going to take all the good handicapped
parking spaces! Not to mention, if he
has to have a walker in a classroom
aisle, that could be a dangerous tripping hazard!”
Cameron Morgan, a leading member of Mitch’s Misfits, also had some
input. “See, what I’m really worried
about here is that the guy is notorious
with women. I mean, once you get
to a certain age, hitting on freshmen is
just…wrong. Especially when he’s giving them free candy!”
Even some alum are weighing in on the
unusual grad student. Low brass play-
see ...Than Dirt on back
Have you or any of your friends seen a
blue Jet Trek bike around Houghton? Let
the Bull know. A 7 year old misses it dearly.
The Steaming Pile
Straight from You-Know-Where!
Worst Things To Say When Dry-Humping
I have some delubricating condoms
My dick feels like corn!
Sorry... Mexican food gives me terrible gas.
Which fold should I be grinding?
These jeans make you look fat.
I SO don’t actually want to do you.
You’re a lot softer than your sister.
Am I supposed to leave my shoes on....?
Is it supposed to feel like rugburn?
Let’s do this in every room of the house
when no one is home!
I think you bent it.
Time to do a Tebow!
Is it supposed to hurt this much?
So... when do you turn 18? I’m impatient.
Oh, God... it’s everywhere.
Pretty sure I burned a hole...
Am I supposed to feel all funny down
there?
It appears my wee wee has been stricken
with rigormortis
I’m 12 years old... what is this?
Just like grandma taught me!
It’s the dog’s turn now!
Do you want to dry-69?
Oops. (I did it again)
Honey... I think I’m pregnant...
Shouldn’t we not be doing this in the
booth at the restaurant...
Finish! Finish! Finish!
TOUCHDOWN!
Lotion is the same as lube, right?
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!
So...... which base is this?
All your base are belong to me now!
So, do I get an A in the class now?
This isn’t what the romance novel said it
would be like.
Could we just watch TV instead?
Slimy... yet satisfying.
I bet our parents used to do this.
This is WAY better than that ‘sex’ thing
SQUIRREL!
So this one time... at band camp...
At least this doesn’t sound as dumb as
“heavy petting”
At least this way I don’t have to reveal that
I’m a hermaphrodite
I’ll let you go on a hunt for MY Easter
eggs....
Smells like Tuna...
So, what do you have planned for our
second date.
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Sex Sex Sex, EVERYWHERE!
SEARCHER
the
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from AT&T LOL on front
massive increase in OMGLOL texts.
And other sappy texts. Now, normally, these texts are fine, and are
sent year round to this person and
that. But with the onset of spring (lolsnow), there was a sudden increase in
the amount of these texts. Given the
amount of texts that people send on
average, it is expected there will be
instability until after this weekend.
“We suspect these spring relationships will last until the girls get drunk
and realize they love everyone! And
that their current crush ain’t so special. It’s sad, but the circle of relationships nonetheless. Let’s just hope
that the boys scorned don’t turn into
new dude-man-bros,” said one Bull
spokesperson. So in the meantime,
be on the lookout for Verizon crashes, likely from the influx of breaking
BLUMPKIN
COW GIRL
DOGGY
HANG TEN
MISSIONARY
REVERSE COW
GIRL
RUBADUB
SPANISH OMLETTE
SPREAD EAGLE
THE AMAZON
THE ANVIL
THE BLACK
MAMBA
THE BOA
THE BUTTERFLY
THE COFFEE
GRINDER
THE COSBY
SWEATER
THE ELEPHANT
THE FLYING
DUTCHMEN
THE FRENCH
PRESS
THE GARBAGE
DISPOSAL
THE GRAVY
BOAT
THE INDRA
THE JACKHAMMER
THE LINGUINI
THE LOTUS
THE MONKEY
THE OVERLAP
THE OYSTER
THE PILLAR
THE PLOUGH
THE REED
THE RICKSHAW
THE ROCKING
CHAIR
THE SENUAL
SPOON
THE SLINKY
THE SNAIL
THE SPHYNX
THE TREE
THE T SQUARE
THE WATERFALL
THE WIDOW
MAKER
THE WOODY
ALLEN
WHEEL BARROW
up text messages the frat mattresses, I from ...Than Dirt on front
ers Kevin Brei, Chris Valliere, and Nathan Mills all sent our staff letters expressing
mean women, will be sending.
concern. Said Kevin, “Not sure he’s going to fit in. This town belongs to the
Conversely, we haven’t ruled out the Momma’s Boys, and he’s just not the type.” Chris chimed in, “He’s a bit scary,
possibility of gremlins killing the net- because all he does is look at rocks and bang things.” Nathan apparently was
work. Sadly, we don’t have access to just worried that most of the guys would shave their facial hair off rather than
the hardware situation on the tower, compare it to the awesomeness of his hobo beard.
and only Verizon knows the dirty secret of what went down and why. Regardless of what people think about him, Mr. Locks will be a student come
fall. One thing’s for sure, campus really won’t be impacted at all.
Time to go Gremlin’n.