Michigan Tech Mad Science: Creating Vita

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Michigan Tech Mad Science:
Creating Vita-Rays With Paper Clips,
Bubble Gum and Pennies
By Chase Peterson ~ Daily Bull
Hopefully in the conquest of the world we can do it as peacefully as possible. However, there will be times when a good old fashion beat down will
be required to get some people to fall into line. While henchmen are good
cannon fodder, they don’t exactly win the war, unless they have a name,
complete back story (that does not include a significant other), and enough
firepower to level a small city. Even with all the givens they still only stand a
small chance of doing any real harm to the hero (maybe give him a bad hang
nail or something). So we need to create our own super-soldiers from misunderstood youth (they are much easier to control, just tell them you understand
them and offer to buy them booze). We are going to recreate the mysterious
Vita-Rays that gave Captain America his awesome powers.
How can this be done? Why has this never been tried before? Why has
the Bull’s resident mad scientist taken on such a Herculean task? These are all
legitimate questions that you can ask, and my answer will be a simple one:
we need paper clips, bubble gum and pennies. As for why has this never
been tried before, they just weren’t as out in left field as me (or wherever I
am, I can never keep track). As for why I’m taking this one on, one of my cell
mates challenged me to come up with a viable way to replicate the Vita-Rays
that gave Captain America his awesome powers using a paper clip, bubble
gum and pennies. Clearly he has been reading the schlock I’ve been writing.
Challenge accepted!
Vita-Rays are nothing more than fancy gamma rays that have extra photons,
making them bright and shiny. The really easy part here is that gamma rays are
already naturally occurring in space so all we need to do is to capture these
space rays and redirect them through the sun to pick up extra photons and then
back to earth. Now this one might take some extra thought . . . . . not really.
see Mom on back
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ERIC JOHNSON
OMG
By Olivia Zajac ~ Daily Bull
So, unless all of you have been living under a rock (which is technically
possible with all the random ones lying all over campus), you’ve heard of
Eric “White and Nerdy” Johnson. Eric
has starred in multiple Tech-related
videos and has found a way to process the number of ‘likes’ the videos
get and turn it directly into an energy source for himself. So the more
views that White and Nerdy, Plots, his
super extra bonus denied graduation
speech, and him crying over how
much he loves ewoks, the longer he
will actually stay alive.
We decided to meet in the Student
Org office, and when he entered the
room, pure white doves flew to announce his presence. He took a seat
opposite me and we exchanged
pleasantries.
OZ: So Eric, let’s get down to business, I don’t want to take up too
much of your time during your last
week of classes.
EJ: Nonsense. Classes are for losers.
Just kidding. I love all my classes and
professors. Please don’t fail me; I’m
too close to getting out!
see Dad on back
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover
that your high school class is running the country.
-- Kurt Vonnegut
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
...like winter storm warnings!
The Steaming Pile - Straight from You-Know-Where!
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from Dad on front
OZ: That sure is interesting! What do
you call this process?
EJ: Kamehameha. I yell that at my
computer before I start the process.
Then I have a power struggle with my
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OZ: *laughs* So, if the views keep
racking up, how long do you think
you’ll live, assuming that your body
doesn’t deteriorate or turn to
cheese?
EJ: There are worse fates than turning
to cheese. Then I might end up getting eaten by a Packer, and then being
a part of them kicking total ass in the
NFL. Any Wisconsinite’s dream. But I
digress. At the rate that my videos are
being watched, I won’t ever die. Isn’t
that awesome?
OZ: Unless, as you predicted, Mewtwo just ends humanity, right?
EJ: *laughs* Oh no, I’d kick his ass. I’d
actually save humanity!
OZ: Well Eric, that’s about all the info
I’ll be able to fit into an article. Thank
you so much for your time!
EJ: Oh, it was my pleasure! Anything
for a fellow Community fan!
There you have it. Eric “Me llamo Tbone” Johnson is now immortal due
to YouTube. He’s also going to save
the world on December 21st. Make
sure to high-five him on campus,
while you have the chance!
from Mom on front
We need to create a way to reflect the rays to where we need them to go, this is where the pennies come in, we
need to melt them down and reform them into three huge reflective surfaces. Two we will launch into space and
angle one through the sun and the other we will angle towards the Earth. With the last reflective surface, we will
need to construct both a chamber to cram our future super soldiers into and a swivel base so we can properly
aim everything. This is where the paper clips and bubble gum come in. The paper clips will form a basic frame
with the bubble gum acting as an adhesive, holding the whole flimsy premise together.
After we get the whole thing together and calibrated, we just sit back and watch our army grow.
OMGOMGOMG!
SEARCHER
Brought to you by Jeanine Chmielewski
STEER
OZ: Alright, fair enough. Now, I’ve
started to hear rumors of the way
you manage to fuel yourself off of the
views of your videos.
EJ: You know how your parents always told you to never stick a fork
into the electric outlet? I basically
do that, but with the USB port when
my YouTube account is open. Like a
weird version of photosynthesis.
computer until I win.
the
OZ: You have multiple videos on
YouTube that you’ve made. The ladies
of campus (and some men too, I’m
sure) are wondering if you have any
super secret sex tapes that might leak
online anytime soon?
EJ: *laughs* Oh, if only you knew
how many. But no, none that will
make it online. Sorry everyone. That
Johnson isn’t for everyone to view.
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Writers of Awesome: Liz ‘Riz’ Fujita, Olivia Zajac, Nathan
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