How to Be Your Best

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How to
Be Your
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Sherry L. Read, Principal
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Read Solutions Group
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You can be an absolutely fabulous wife, mother, daughter, friend and employee without
having to be perfect—and that makes you a better friend to yourself. by Pam George
1955 guide to help women become better
wives suggests the reader take 15 minutes
to refresh before her husband comes home
from work. She should have dinner ready, and
she should never complain when he’s late.
Today, a man is just as likely to make dinner while his
wife works late. But one thing has remained the same: Women still strive for perfection.
“Women feel like, ‘I can do it all, and if I can’t do it all, I
must be doing something wrong,’” says Bobbie Hartz, owner
of Hockessin-based Senior Helpers. Hartz often sees female
caregivers with that must-do-it-all mentality.
Whether they’re on the job, spending time with children
or caring for an elderly parent, women put enormous presW2
www.delawareToday.com March 2011
sure on themselves.
“Women need to release the need for perfection,” says
Sherry Read, an executive coach and owner of the Read Solutions Group in Wilmington. “They need to know what’s required, adjust and learn to delegate.”
We asked experts for up-to-date tips to help women better cope with their many roles. But remember: Being better
does not mean being perfect.
Be a Better Wife
After the women’s liberation movement, the Victorianera concern about being a better wife was eclipsed by the
quest for “self-improvement.” As women and men today seek
to improve their marriages, however, the topic warrants
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examination, says Lani Nelson-Zlupko, a
clinical social worker with a Wilmington
practice, LNZ Consulting. Women want to
bring their best selves, not their worst selves,
to their marriages, says Nelson-Zlupko, who
leads workshops on women’s issues. That
takes some self-reflection.
• Pause it. To improve anything in our
lives, we must take time out. “Gain perspective,” Nelson-Zlupko says. “What is not working well? What needs improvement? Am I
being the best wife-person I can be? What do
I want to make happen in this marriage?”
• Team it. It takes a team approach to run
a household. Sometimes that team requires
more than two people. “Are you expecting
too much from the two of you?” NelsonZlupko asks. You may need to farm out the
yard work, home repairs or housekeeping
rather than resent each other for things being left undone. “This takes creativity and
sometimes money. Be willing to invest in
your marriage,” she says.
• Polish it. Loose language and sloppy
habits are often the enemies of intimacy. It’s
easy to become too casual, believing true
love means we can let it all hang out, NelsonZlupko says. Take the time to polish yourself as though you are just dating. “Healthy
couples will tell you they’re still dating after
20—even 60—years,” she says. “Dating is
about offering the best possible you to someone you value.”
• Compromise. While you should look
after your own needs, be considerate of your
spouse’s needs, says Teresa Sharp, a counselor with Connections Community Support
Programs (connectionscsp.org), a 25-yearold nonprofit organization that provides
counseling, community-based housing,
healthcare and employment, to disadvantaged individuals and families. Understand
that there are times when you will give more
than you receive.
• Seek support. Don’t be afraid to find
professional help if your marriage is not
where you want it to be or you’re not the wife
you know you can be. “Good things come
to those who make things happen,” NelsonZlupko says.
Be a Better Friend
Facebook, Twitter and email have
changed the way we interact with friends.
Nevertheless, the same principles still apply, whether you’re doing lunch or sending
emails to long-distance BFFs.
• Listening is key. “If people really want
your advice, they will ask for it,” says Sharp.
“Most times, they just need someone to listen to them.”
• There’s a difference between really listening and waiting to talk. Try to be an active listener.
• Make the effort. If friends need to call
you five and six times before you return the
call, or you seldom take the initiative, they
will finally give up.
• Understand that relationships change.
A friendship that worked for you in your
20s may falter by your 40s. It may be time to
move on rather than force the friendship.
• Know your limits. “If you have a friend
with serious issues, refer them to a counselor,” Sharp says. “Don’t take on the burden of
solving their problems.”
Be a Better Friend
to Yourself
When things are going well, it’s easy to
care for yourself, says Nelson-Zlupko. “It’s
when times are tough that most people begin to tear themselves down.” And that is
precisely the point at which you must build
yourself up. Here’s how:
• Encourage. Women often know instinctively how to encourage others when they
are struggling. Give yourself the same treatment, Nelson-Zlupko says. Tell yourself, “You
can get through this,” or, “You will find a way
to make this better.”
• Meet your needs. Women frequently
know what their family and friends need to
thrive, but they overlook themselves. Who
is looking out for you? “Often, it’s no one but
you, and that’s OK,” Nelson-Zlupko says. Ask
yourself each day what you need.
• Grieve and grow. Life marches on. It’s
not the same today as it was 10 years ago,
a year ago or even a month ago. That’s all
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fine as long as we are marching along, too.
“Give yourself permission to shed and grow,”
Nelson-Zlupko says. “What should you leave
behind? What should you move toward?”
Growth means letting go, and that can lead
to sadness. Allow the grief to come, then
keep your eyes squarely on where you’re going, she says.
• Be there for yourself. Life, as they say, is
hard. “We can’t afford to be weak, resentful
or bitter, waiting for others to make life happen for us,” Nelson-Zlupko says. “Dig deep
and be your best ally. Make things happen
that you want to happen.”
• Stuck? It may help to talk things through
with a counselor. Try a support group if you
need additional help handling stress in a
certain area. The Mental Health Association
of Delaware runs several support groups.
Visit mhainde.org/SG.asp. Nelson-Zlupko’s
website is lnzconsulting.com.
Be a Better Mother
Wadine Toliaferro sees it often. Toliaferro, the program manager of Strengthening Families, an initiative of Children &
Families First, encounters women so intent
on being their child’s friend that they slip
out of the parent role. “You have to be able
to gauge when you should be a friend and
when you should be a mother,” Toliaferro
says. “That’s not always easy.” Few mothers
would argue. Often, good parenting goes
back to the basics.
• Establish rules and stick to them. Divorced parents should establish rules for
each home, even if they don’t necessarily coincide. “They at least need to be consistent,”
Toliaferro says. “They must be clear that the
rules are to be followed.”
• Reward good behavior. Offering money
for chores is one way to show approval, but
it’s not the only way. “It’s important for children to hear, ‘I really like the way you cleaned
your room,’ or ‘Thank you for taking out the
trash,’” Toliaferro says. “Social rewards are
by far the best.”
• Make sure a child does homework. You
don’t need to breathe down a teacher’s neck
to see that your child is well educated. Start
your role at home by making sure the child
does the required assignments. Don’t do it
for them, however.
• Take care of yourself and follow your
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own dreams. Life coach Sue Frost sensed
that her mother had regrets about not following a career path or denying her own
needs. Admittedly, her mother was a child
of the Great Depression. Frost advocates being a good example for daughters and sons
by seeking your own happiness and growing
confident. Yet as with everything, she adds,
balance is essential.
For information on workshops at Children & Families First, visit cffde.org.
Be a Better Daughter
The average caregiver is a 46-year-old
female who’s often caring for both children
and her aging parents.
With people living longer, more women
are finding themselves in this position,” says
Bobbie Hartz, owner of Hockessin-based Senior Helpers, which offers in-home care for
seniors. Since hospital stays are becoming
shorter, some patients need a higher level of
in-home care. Many women experience an
emotional tug-of-war that can wear them
down. It’s important to avoid burnout.
• Before illness strikes, talk to your parents to determine their wishes. Is there a
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living will? Where is the traditional will?
• If loved ones can’t live with you or alone,
check out nearby facilities. Frost toured facilities for her mother, then narrowed down
the choices. Together, they visited each spot
for lunch to talk with the residents. The Division of Services for Aging and Adults with
Physical Disabilities offers the “2010-2011
Guide to Services for Older Delawareans
and Persons with Disabilities.” Visit dhss.
delaware.gov/dhss/dsaapd.
• Take time for yourself. Call a family
member, friend or a professional service
to spend time with your loved one so you
can get away for a few hours or a weekend.
You may take the time to attend a caregiver
support group. For information, check out
the Delaware Health and Social Services
website, dhss.delaware.gov/dsaapd/caregivesg.html.
• Consider in-home care. Hartz recommends setting regular hours, since loved
ones often require a routine. Check the
Senior Helpers website at seniorhelpers.
com. Ask the agency whether the caretakers are employees or subcontractors,
which may affect whether or not they are
covered by insurance.
• Stay calm. Alzheimer’s patients have a
tendency to repeat questions or mention a
family member who’s been long gone. Hartz
once accompanied an Alzheimer’s patient to
the dentist. Upon the exam’s completion, the
woman asked if she could go see her mother.
Hartz said, “Sure.” The woman was happy,
and by the time they arrived at the woman’s
home, she’d forgotten about it.
Be a Better worker
The glass ceiling. Dress for success. Gender equality. Over the past 50 years, women
have learned a lot of buzzwords surrounding
women in the workplace. But even with all the
books, articles and workshops, many women
still find it challenging to navigate the workplace with ease. A change in approach can
work wonders.
• Realize that your work won’t speak for
itself. You need to speak for it. “Talk about
what you’re doing,” says Sherry Read of Read
Solutions Group (readsolutionsgroup.com).
“Make sure people see your success.”
• Be more assertive but politically astute.
When you ask for what you want, find out how
it will benefit the other person, Read says. If
you receive the account, promotion or new
assistant, how will that help the company
or your boss? “Men seem to understand
that there are tradeoffs,” Read says. “There’s
a price to be paid.” Learn to negotiate. Too
many times a woman will take a job without negotiating salary, benefits or vacation,
notes Judy Czyzewski, ex-officio of Wilmington Women in Business, a support and
networking organization. A man, however,
often plays hardball.
• Don’t bring your personal life to work.
Never whine about a family situation. Ask
for what you need, such as time to care for
a sick child, but tell your boss how you will
compensate the company for the time you’re
away from work, such as working from home
or putting in the extra hours when the child
is well, Read says.
• Find a way to respect colleagues you
don’t like. If you can respect them, you can
work together, Read says.
• Learn and network. “You can really
garner support. ‘We can do this together,’”
Czyzewski says. For information on WWB,
visit wwb.org.
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Delaware Commission for Women
820 N. French St., No. 201, Wilmington, 5775287; 861 Silver Lake Blvd., No. 204, Dover, 7607034; commissionforwomen.delaware.gov
Delaware Girls Initiative
100 W. 10th St., Suite 611, Wilmington
657-0903, delawaregirlsinitiative.org
Girls Incorporated of Delaware
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575-1041, girlsincde.org.
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100 W. 10th St., No. 1004, Wilmington
658-0410, nc100bwde.org
National Organization for Women
P.O. Box 26076 , Wilmington
731-7316, now.org
Women’s Leadership
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180 Graham Hall, Newark
831-8971, ipa.udel.edu/wldp
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Business Women’s Network of Delaware
131 Canal Way, Newark, bwnde.com
Forum of Executive Women
PO Box 1796, Wilmington, fewde.org
National Association of Women
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P.O. Box 4657, Greenville Station
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P.O. Box 4285, Greenville
388-2885, NEWS4Women.org
Office of Minority and
Women Business Enterprise
State Office of Management and Budget
122 William Penn St., Dover
672-5192, omwbe.delaware.gov
Office of Women’s Business Ownership
Small Business Administration of Delaware
1007 N. Orange St., No.1120, Wilmington
573-6294, sba.gov
Wilmington Women in Business
P.O. Box 100, Hockessin, 656-4411, wwb.org
Women in Business Committee
1201 N. Orange St., No. 200
Wilmington, 576-6578
Women’s Opportunity Link of Delaware
2601 Annand Drive, No. 11, Wilmington
225-3988, wolde.org
Academic
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Delaware Higher Education Commission
820 N. French St., Wilmington, 577-5240 or
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University of Delaware Women’s Club
udel.edu/WomensClub
Women’s Center of Delaware
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333 Shipley St., Room 113, Wilmington
573-5454, dtcc.edu
Treatment And Counseling
CONTACT Lifeline
P.O. Box 9525, Wilmington, 761-9800
P.O. Box 61, Milford, 422-1154
contactlifeline.org
Delaware Coalition
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100 W. 10th St., Wilmington
658-2958, dcadv.org
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405 Foulk Road, Wilmington, 655-3953
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Delaware Women, Infants
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(800) 222-2189, dhss.delaware.gov/dhss
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100 W. 10th St., No. 515, Wilmington
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111 W. 11th St., No. 3, Wilmington, 778-1102
165 Commerce Way, No. 2, Dover, 672-6435
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625 Shipley St., Wilmington, 655-7293
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