Issue7

Bandersnatch
Forking daemons since 1971
Volume 37, Issue 7 • Wednesday December
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5th, 2007
In this Issue...
MTV Host at J.A.C
New Tasers, same Zap
Leia Weskey
Campus Editor
Despite the controversy over
Tasers and their potentially lethal
effects after the death of a Polish immigrant, Taser International is in the
process of developing new and more
effective means of incapacitation. .
MTV host Gilson Lubin was in the Agora
Thursday November 22 2007. His performance
was new and fresh kept the audience dieing of
laughter in their seats.
Lubin started his journey as a comedian
in high school. “People will tell me that [I] will
become a comedian and I honestly did not
understand what in hell they were talking about.
I was like a comedian? I can mop the floors
okay.” It was in college that he made his first
move towards becoming a comedian when he
overheard a student speaking to a friend about
a comedy night club that sparked his interest.
Two weeks later, he was down there performing on stage.
As soon as he realized that this was what he
wanted to do, he knew that he couldn’t let his
family know of about his new career path quite
yet. “[When] I told my dad he said ‘do they pay
money for that?’ [And] ‘I’m like no.’ He [then]
said ‘all right you’re still going to do it? [And I
said] ‘Yup!’ [And my father responded,] ‘Well all
right get a job then.” He didn’t get the support
he wanted from his family right away, but he
said he didn’t expect them to understand what
it felt like to perform on stage.
Lubin describes performing on stage as
very rewarding. “Sometimes, you may get a
rush because the audience is responding well
to your joke [and] that means they understand
were you are coming from.” Being able to
communicate with the audience about a subject
that would normally be spoken about was an
appeal to Lubin.
Page 4
Political Grinches
Page 6
It’s that time of year again, when
the roofs of houses turn white and
shopping malls become unbearable.
Children line up to sit on ol’ Santa’s
lap and rattle out the neverending
list of things they’re wishing for.
However, this year, the Christmas
grinches are out to get us with their
overbearing political correctness that
just sucks the holiday cheer out of
everything.
The movie of the season
Page 13
Every year, around the holiday season,
Hollywood releases some of the most
memorable films to the silver screen.
Once upon a time, it was The Lord of
the Rings series that captivated audiences
worldwide, and then it was the legendary
King Kong that crashed through the theatres. This holiday season is no different,
as Beowulf is a film that is sure to entertain
anyone.
Assassin’s stabby
Page 14
Life, as we all know, is about
choices. A few weeks ago, I was called
upon to make another choice, to make
a decision at a crossroad in my life.
Should I get Mass Effect, or Assassin’s
Creed? Not an easy decision (well, for
some maybe, but not for me). In the
end, loyalty to the local guys at Ubisoft
Montreal and the desire to make with
the stabby stabby prompted me to
choose Assassin’s Creed.
Sections
Campus.............................. 1
News................................... 4
Opinions............................. 6
Slanderbatch..................... 7
Art...................................... 11
Entertainment.................. 12
Games.............................. 14
Sports................................ 15
Our Town
Avi Canter
Contributor
Hello friends,
The time has come again… Showtime!
I’m speaking of John Abbott’s Theatre
showtime, of course. Now you must be
thinking of the upcoming production
“You Can’t Take It With You”, our
3rd year Professional Theatre Acting,
Designing and Technical student production opening in early December. Or
maybe you’re thinking of our C.A.L.L.
T h e a t r e Wo r k s h o p mu s i c a l “ U r i n e
Town” opening next semester…
But No!
This is a completely different play
my friends. This is “Our Town”, a great
American play written by Thornton
Wilder, which our 2nd year Professional
Theatre Acting students will be presenting at the end of our fall term.
“Our Town” is a three-act play, beginning in the year 1901 and ending in
1913. The play deals with touching moments in our lives that we “don’t [take
out] and [look at] very often”, a quote
Lubin was born in St. Lucia. He then
moved to Canada with his parents. He sees
Canada as “dream world”, despite leaving all
his friends and extended family back home.
He was suddenly faced with a new problem:
racism. “It was intriguing to me that someone
wouldn’t like someone based on the colour of
their skin.” Lubin’s experiences with racism are
usually seen in his skits.
Lubin explains that hard work is a key element towards success. He said that he wrote
down all of his goals on a paper and worked towards accomplishing them. Two of the biggest
highlights in his life were meeting Bill Cosby
and Dave Chappelle. “When I met Bill Cosby,
the first thing I did was try to get all the info on
what was it like to be on the top and he [said] ‘all
you can do is try’. To hear that from someone
so great who does so many great things, you’re
like oh my goodness, he still brings it down to
something so simple.”
Lubin’s influences are Dave Chappelle,
Bill Cosby, Chris Rock, Chris Tucker, Eddie
Murphy and Russell Peters. He says that
working at MTV is a “blast” and the range of
flexibility and support that he has there allows
him to pursue his career in comedy. Besides
wanting to become a famous comedian, Lubin
hopes to get into dramatic acting next and has
started writing his own short scripts.
ManolisZontanos ( left) Kwasi Thomas (middle) and Glison Lubin (right)
from the Stage Manager, who narrates
the play and works as a connection between the audience and the actors.
The playwright’s division of his acts
and the content within serve as a useful reminder of how quickly our lives
can breeze by and how important it is
to abide by the saying “Carpe Diem”
(seize the day).
John Abbott’s Professional Theatre
program is a 3 year career program,
boasting three disciplines: acting, designing and technical production. The
actors perform plays once a semester,
in their 2nd and 3rd year in the program, while the designers and technicians create and build the costumes,
sets and props. Feel free to contact
the Theatre Department located in the
Casgrain basement by the pool entrance
if you are interested in applying for our
program.
“Our Town” will open during the
exam period, after the semester’s completion and will remain open throughout
that week. Shows will be held in the
Studio Theatre (located in the Casgrain
basement), and will be free of charge.
The dates are Thursday the 13th of
December, through Sunday the 16th, at
14:00 and 19:00 (eight performances).
Don’t be too shy to drop by!
Thanks and hope to see you at the
show,
Avi Canter
Wednesday December 5th, 2007 • Campus Life
With Leia Wesley
G.M…uh Oh!
BANDERSNATCH
John Abbott College
21275 Lakeshore Road
P.O. Box 2000
Sainte-Anne-de-Bellevue,
Quebec, Canada H9X 3L9
Phone: (514) 457-6610 ext. 5389
Fax:
(514) 457-6091
Office: H-041
Web:
http://www.bandersnatch.ca/
E-mail: bandersnatch@johnabbott.qc.ca
Melissa Hirsh-Pearson
Contributor
“You are what you eat” is a well known
phrase that everyone has probably heard
hundreds of times from parents, teachers,
or nutritionists in attempts to stop us from
eating “garbage”. What are we then if we
don’t know what we’re eating? The answer
is we are at risk of consuming potentially
harmful substances that are not controlled
and have not been thoroughly tested.
Genetically modified organisms, or
GMOs, are organisms that have been
changed genetically, through cross-breeding, to create a new gene or trait. The first
genetically modified (GM) plant used for
commercial purposes was introduced in
1996 for the purpose of ensuring that we
have an adequate food supply to satisfy our
forever-growing population. GMOs were
projected to create crops that are able to
resist pests, diseases, cold temperatures,
drought and salinity. Some were also said to
be herbicide tolerant, which means farmers
could quickly kill weeds without harming
their crops. These all seem like beneficial
aspects to the farming industry; however
with them come severe consequences on
environmental and health levels.
Environmentally, GMOs are dangerous
for both plants and animals. The new genes
and traits, created to improve plant quality
and life, have caused several problems instead. A crystal protein from a gene called
Bacillus thuringiensis or B.t. has been used as
a type of pesticide in 25% of modified crops
because it kills insect larvae. Unfortunately,
because pollen from these crops was transferred to other plants, it caused the death
of numerous monarch butterfly caterpillars
and other insect larvae. It is not possible
to alter the B.t. protein in order to kill only
the insects that are harmful to the crops,
therefore if we continue to use this protein,
harmless insects will continue to die. It has
also been said that the harmful insects might
eventually grow immune to B.t., rendering
the pesticide ineffective. Another problem
is crosspollination which contaminates
conventionally bred plants with genes from
GM plants. This is most problematic if
pesticide-resistant genes transfer to weeds
and create “super weeds” that cannot be
destroyed by pesticides.
Health-wise, GM foods have not officially been proved safe. There have been
minimal studies conducted on this topic, and
those that have been done were carried out
by companies who would benefit from the
success of the GMOs, such as Monsanto,
the largest gene-manipulation firm. Because
so few studies have been done, and because
it is not necessary to test GMOs on humans
before putting them in the market, we are
not aware of the possible effects they might
have on our health in the long run. One big
concern is that manipulating genes in our
food may create a new allergen, or make
people more susceptible to having an allergic reaction. Glufosinate Ammonium and
Glyphosate have also been used in about
75% of GM crops worldwide even though
they are confirmed to be linked to multiple
health problems such as birth defects, neurological, respiratory, and gastrointestinal
problems. Regardless of these problems,
GMOs are still being sold because they are
considered “substantially equivalent” to
non modified foods, meaning that they are
assumed to be the same as the un-modified
version of the food. It’s a legal concept developed by the biotech industry to speed up
the approval process of GM foods.
So where are these GMOs found? As
of now, the major modified crops are soy,
cotton, canola, and corn. Modified soy is
said to be in up to 60% of all processed
foods and modified corn in about 50%.
Other modified products include meat and
J.A.C Skater
Looking for a Job?
Did you know that John Abbott has
a figure-skating team?
John Abbott’s figure skaters are
putting on their skates to help raise
money for the Montreal Children’s
Hospital Foundation. This event will
taking place on December 11, 2007 at
the Mc Gill arena on campus from 11:30
to 12:30. Tickets are only $5.00 and are
available at Sudents Activities.
• Wednesday
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December 5th, 2007
Judy Gelsthorpe
Editor-in-Chief
Will Attar
Assistant Editor-in-Chief
Megan Chan
News Editor
Leia Wesley
Campus Life Editor
Need a job! The federal government
is looking for you!
Every year, the federal government
recruits hard working students like you
to work for them. This program, which
is made for full-time students, provides
over 8000 jobs. What they want? They
want full-time students in their first or
graduating year. What you need? You
need a better job, a better salary and
dairy products from cows that have been
fed with GM grain, and some zucchini, yellow squash, papaya and tobacco. Modified
tomatoes and potatoes have been taken out
of the market, but some may still remain.
What can be done about this growing
problem? For starters, we need stricter
government intervention, beginning with
the regulation process. These foods must
be tested. Also, independent studies must
be conducted to provide unbiased results
to some ongoing questions. Only once
a product has been proven safe (not just
“substantially equivalent”) with no long
term effects may be introduced into the
market, properly labelled. What can you do
to protect yourself from GM foods now?
Generally, all organic crops are GMO free.
You can also go straight to the source and
buy your food from a local farmer or a
farmer’s market if possible. You can organize groups to educate others about this issue
or even set up anti-GM food protests, which
have had an amazing effect in Europe where
it is now mandatory to label GM food.
Now that you know the possible effects
of GMOs, will you continue to consume
them and “become” a genetically modified
organism, or will you make a stand and
protect yourself from the potentially harmful substances in these foods? You have a
choice, and if you really are what you eat,
what do you want to be? Comments and
feedback are welcome: swim_chick_203@
hotmail.com
benefits then this may be your golden
opportunity to get a job. Jobs are filled
yearly, but summer job applications
start in December and continue until
February. If you’re interested then visit
www.jobs.gc.ca online application available only.
Barbara Radziwon
Entertainment Editor
Raluca Iancu
Arts Editor
Samantha Villeneuve
Opinions Editor
Justin Banks
Games Page Editor
Andrei Iancu
Sports Editor
Eric Chan
Production Manager
Sarah Michaud
Office Manager
Alex Attar
Webmaster
Bandersnatch is the student-run Alternative Press
at John Abbott College. It is published every two
weeks and is partially funded by the Student Activities
Commitee and by advertising solicited members.
Submissions are welcome and become property of
Bandersnatch. Submissions must be sent via E-mail to
bandersnatch@johnabbott.qc.ca and must be in Plain
Text format (.txt) or Microsoft Word Document format
(.doc). All submissions must include the full name and
telephone number of the contributor, as well as the
e-mail address if applicable. Bandersnatch reserves the
right to reject submissions or to edit any submissions
for length, legality, or clarity. Submissions should be
a maximum of 500 words but may be printed if they
are worthwhile. Spelling and grammar will not be
corrected on submissions as it is the responsibility of
the contributor to correct them. Submissions should be
dropped off at the Bandersnatch office, located in the
basement of Herzberg, room H-041 (across from the
hallway entrance of The Oval).
Bandersnatch Campus Life
Clydes
Twas’ The Bash before Christmas
Thursday December 13: SEE SPOT RUN
Friday December 21:
Clydes HUGE Xmas Party!
Sunday December 16:
Staff & Regular’s party
December 24 & 25: WE ARE OPEN!
Wednesday, Dec. 26: Brian Massimati Band
Have a Merry Christmas… Please don’t Drink & Drive!
University of Ottawa
Thinking international …
everything is happening here in Ottawa
Social Sciences programs:
Anthropology
Conflict Studies and Human Rights
International Development and Globalization
International Economics and Development
International Relations (Political Science)
International Studies and Modern Languages
Master’s in Globalization and International Development
Master’s in Public and International Affairs
Field courses:
The Faculty offers four-week intensive courses in May 2008 in Argentina, Kenya, Senegal,
South Africa and Tahiti.
International placements:
The Faculty offers a large number of international placements in:
Bolivia, Egypt, Mali, Morocco, Nepal, Niger, Peru
Mobility grants:
A grant is guaranteed for all candidates selected for an international exchange.
www.socialsciences.uOttawa.ca
socialsciences@uOttawa.ca | 613-562-5709
Bandersnatch Campus Life
Wednesday December 5th, 2007 • !
og
with Mo
Long-distance zapping: perfect for the holiday cheer.
Alex Attar
Webmaster
Despite the controversy over Tasers
and their potentially lethal effects after
the death of a Polish immigrant, Taser
International is in the process of developing new and more effective means of
incapacitation. Up until now, Tasers have
typically functioned in two ways: they
either shoot out two wired barbs which
send 50 000 volts of electricity through
the target’s body, or they create an arc
of electricity between two electrodes
on the device itself. The downside of
these Tasers is their range. The wires of
the former version extend to only a few
metres and the latter requires direct contact with the device. The company has
overcome these limitations by developing
a new device called the XREP (extended
range electronic projectile). It is basically
a wireless Taser. The device is, in essence,
a self-contained shell meant to be fired
out of a normal shotgun. The XREP has
two electrodes. The first attaches itself
to the target. The second electrode then
swings down and makes contact with any
other part of the target’s body. Then,
the XREP delivers its charge, causing
News Oddities
Will Attar
Assistant Editor-in-Chief
That crack makes your breath
smell nice
In Philadelphia, police are against
a new mint that The Hershey Co. has
released. These new mint packets look
nearly identical to the tiny heat-sealed
bags that dealers use to sell powdered
drugs. Police say that these new packs
glorify crack, heroine, cocaine, and the
drug trade.
These Ice Breakers Pacs are nickel-sized dissolvable pouches with a
sweetener inside. “It is not intended to
simulate anything,” said Kirk Saville,
spokesperson for Hershey.
Visuals
from the Editor
Knut, a polar bear cub, is seen in this
photo playing with a blanket. This photo
was taken March 23, 2006, at the bear’s
first presentation in the Berlin zoo.
It’s been a year since Knut’s birth.
December 5, 2006, Knut was born and
had to be hand fed after Tosca, the
cub’s mother, refused to feed her baby.
It’s been a year and Knut is still doing
well.
Happy Birthday!
• Wednesday
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�th, 2007
immense pain to the target.
Where a typical taser will last for
about five seconds, the XREP will continuously deliver its charge for twenty
seconds. This allows officers to actually
capture the suspect as he flails on the
ground. Taser International says that the
product is being prepared for a field test,
which is making some people nervous
given the Taser’s recent track record.
A s i d e f r o m t h e X R E P, Ta s e r
International is also developing a device that is essentially a taser-grenade.
Called the “Shockwave”, the company’s
promotional video asks, “What if you
could drop everyone in a given area to
the ground with the simple push of a
button?” The weapon is supposedly a
series of six darts connected into an arc,
which can be extended and stacked “like
Lego” depending on the situation. This
means that if the military is trying to
keep a group of people out of an area,
they can be incapacitated without the risk
of the user getting in harm’s way.
Amnesty International has raised
concerns about Shockwave and its potential for inappropriate use. In a given
crowd, it is usually hard to destinguish
between the aggressors and the innocent
bystanders.
The outer layer is supposed to melt in
your mouth, then the cooling xylitol
sweetner in the middle it supposed to
add taste. An interesting concept for
a candy, but maybe it has the possibility of being associated with the wrong
thing.
Where’d it go?
“Dude…didn’t we have something
like….60 pounds of weed with us…”
“Shit dude…you’re right…” “Dude…
This photo shows six stackable darts that are expected to be used for military use. It is scheduled to be on the
market next year.
Steve Tuttle, spokesperson for Taser
International, says that the device is intended for use by the military and “not
for a riot in Toronto”.
These new Tasers don’t pose any
threat that does not already exist with
the current Tasers. It is now merely a
question of the range from which it can
be used and the number of people that
are affected at once.
where’d it go?”
This is a ver y possible conversation that could have happened between
dudes. Why? Tuesday, November 27, a
crew picking up litter found two large
garbage bags with freshly har vested
marijuana. The value of the 60 pounds
of weed was estimated to be $54,000.
It is assumed that the bag was either
thrown out of a car, or it merely fell
off.
1 million reasons he’s an idiot
A bank teller in Clearwater refused
to open a bank account for Alexander
Smith, 31, when he tried to open an
account with a $1 million bill. After
being refused, Smith began to curse at
the workers, at which point the police
were called in. Later, it was discovered
that Smith had bought several cartons
of cigarettes with a stolen check. In the
end, Smith was charged for two counts
of forgery, one for the million-dollar
bill and one for the check, and he was
charged for disorderly conduct.
Why is he an idiot? T he federal
government has never printed a million-dollar bill. Also, the bill had the
website www.wayofthemasterradio.com
on it, where in their store, you can buy
the million dollar bill for $6 US.
When you look at this picture, you
see a panda plate. Look closer and examine the detail in the face. Understand
that these plates are being made for
breast cancer fundraisers and then
you’ll figure out how the face was made
when they say that they didn’t use their
hands.
After fundraiser walks, picnics, raffles, and shows, a new way of raising
money has started. Women are encouraged to make a breast plate with the
use of said body part to create quirky
designed plates that will be sold to raise
money for cancer research.
Bandersnatch News
The softer side of dinosaurs
Matthew Guite
Staff Writer
A recently unearthed dinosaur is
helping researchers discover for the first
time new details about the long-extinct
animals that we know so little about.
Despite what movies or television might
have us think, we actually know very
little about dinosaurs. Nobody can tell
you conclusively what color a certain
dinosaur may have been, and in almost
every case, the answers to questions of
size, proportions and muscle mass are
simply guesswork based upon modernday examples and the skeletal structure
of fossils found. Now, however, a dinaosaur “mummy” is being studied extensively, and is granting us clues regarding
what kind of creature this dinosaur was
before it was wiped out.
The duckbilled hadrosaur (named
Dakota, as it was discovered in North
D a ko t a i n 1 9 9 9 ) h a s b e e n s o we l l
preser ved that it’s as close to a live
dinosaur as anything researchers will
ever see, granting them information on
things such as the shape and color of
its scales, its muscle mass, how fast it
could run and how large it was. Study
has shown it to be a much faster runner than what we previously believed,
giving it the potential to outrun many
of its predators.
Matthew Carrano, a paleontologist
at the Smithsonian’s National Museum
of Natural History, said that, “Any time
we can get a glimpse of the soft anatomy
of a dinosaur, that’s significant.” As well
as being longer than previously thought
(in museums, dinosaur vertebrae are
often placed together, whereas in this
case, a gap of a centimeter was found
between each, making it significantly
long er), the increased muscle mass
has suggested that Dakota was faster
and stronger than once believed. They
estimated the hadrosaur’s top speed at
about 45 km/h, about 16 km/h faster
than the giant T. Rex is thought to have
been able to run.
A television special is scheduled
to be aired on December 9th on the
National Geographic channel, entitled
Dino Autopsy. As well, two books are
slated for release; the children’s book
DinoMummy: The Life, Death, and
Discovery of Dakota, a Dinosaur From
Hell Creek, which was scheduled to be
released Tuesday, December 4,2007 as
well as the more adult-oriented book
entitled Grave Secrets of Dinosaurs:
Soft Tissues and Hard Science, which
will be available in January.
SUJAC UPDATE
As the semester draws to a close, the
holiday spirit can be felt through
Abbott’s hallways, and there
are just a few things left
for the Student Union
to address before settling down for the
winter break.
Fo r a l l t h o s e
who came in this
semester with feedback on parking, all
your ideas and suggestions, along with those
of the Cong ress Parking
Committee, were passed on to a
meeting between John Abbott College
and Macdonald College. Thank you
for all your valuable input. Some steps
have already been taken and we’re
excited what changes will come with
the New Year.
Thank you to everyone who helped
out with this year’s Loonie Line: sticking loonies down, guarding them or
picking them all up. It couldn’t have
been the great success it was without
you. The JAC Christmas Fund manag ed to raise an amazing $15,259
for less for tunate students! T he
Christmas Bake/Craft sale was also a
great success. Thank you to all who
contributed baking and their precious
“end-of-semester” time on November
26 and 27.
The Coalition of
Anglophone CEGEPs
m e t o n F r i d a y,
November 30, at
Vanier. If anyone is
interested in finding out more about
C OAC, o u r V i c e President External,
Tiffany Dhaliwal, will
be glad to chat with you
in the SUJAC office in
Penfield 101. Don’t forget
that our door is open for any suggestions, questions or concerns about
student life at any time. December
can be a crazy month at school; if
there’s anything we can do to help you
through it, come let us know.
Lastly, SUJAC marched in the SteAnne’s Christmas Parade on Saturday,
December 1, and a big Thank You to
all those who came out representing us
with cheer and holiday spirit.
Have a wonderful holiday everyone.
From SUJAC: study hard, but not too
hard! Don’t forget to take a moment or
two to enjoy the Season, and stay safe!
We, in Penfield 101, look forward to
seeing you again in January 2008.
Emergency help
Megan K. Chan
News Editor
The photo above shows an artistic interpretation of what the dinosaur discovered could possibly look like
with the evidence found.
There has been a dispute between
Montreal ambulance technicians and
their employers. There has been a lack
of contract since January 30 , 2005 and
this is leaving workers frustrated.
Although there can’t be a strike legally before Decemeber 13, 2007, there has
already been a vote where more than 800
paramedics have voted and 99 percent of
them are in favour of the strike.
After three years without contract,
workers are asking for better pay, extra
money for overnight shifts, and for
working conditions to be improved.
Union spokesman, Stéphane Gascon,
said, “Our priority is to stop the new
paramedics from leaving. We don’t have
a problem recruiting - they come in.
The problem is they leave after two or
three years,”
They hope that there will be a resolution before the strike starts and that
working environments change for those
who are already working and for those
who will be entereing the field.
If there is no chang e soon, the
workers are discussing what they will
continue and what they will stop during
the strike.
ATTN: HOLIDAY HELP
$15.05 base pay
Bandersnatch News
Flexible schedules, FT or PT,
students welcome, sales/serv,
cond. apply, 514-939-8800
www.winterbreakwork.com
Wednesday December 5th, 2007 • The politically correct grinches are ruining Christmas
Michelle Morningstar
Staff Writer
It’s that time of year again, when the
roofs of houses turn white and shopping
malls become unbearable. Children line
up to sit on ol’ Santa’s lap and rattle out
the neverending list of things they’re
wishing for. However, this year, the
Christmas grinches are out to get us with
their overbearing political correctness
that just sucks the holiday cheer out of
everything. In Australia, Westaff, a firm
that hires fake Santas to sit in the mall
for days on end, has banned the use of
the expression “ho, ho, ho.” Apparently,
this is frightening for children and is derogatory to women. Excuse me… what?
Do my ears deceive me or has Santa’s
trademark offended someone? Santas
must now exclaim “ha, ha, ha!” before
sending children on their way. Yes, you
read right. To be honest, I am more
offended about this ridiculous greeting
than about anything else. And the madness doesn’t end here: in England, Santas
have been encouraged to lose weight for
the holiday season. That’s right, it appears that fattening up St.Nick is giving
the wrong image to children about body
weight. Taking it a bit far, perhaps? I’m
outraged at this nonsense. I am all for
setting good examples for children and I
do wish they could look up to better role
models than those we see on TV. But you
have to admit, taking away the Christmas
fun is quite harsh. What will it be next?
We won’t be able to place an angel on
the top of our Christmas trees because
we’re degrading women and brutalizing
a feminine symbol? And forget about
stars, too: it could be offensive to some
religious groups. Next, there will be no
nativity scenes next to our piles of gift,
because that’s portraying mistreatment
of children! I ask you, putting a baby in
a wooden crib surrounded by animals,
what were we thinking? While we’re at it,
don’t hang Christmas balls on your tree
either, that could be misinterpreted as
a phallic symbol or what not. And you
know what? Don’t even bother putting
up a tree, what about the environment?
I tell you, all this political correctness is
taking away all the Christmas symbols
we take for granted. “Merry Christmas”
has already disappeared from every mall
in Canada, “Happy Holidays!” now
being the greeting of choice. I agree
that we should all accomodate different religions, but what about my
Christmas traditions? I would not be offended if someone wished me a “Happy
Hannukah” or what not; rather, I’d
chirp a “Merry Christmas” and spread
the X-mas cheer too. Isn’t Christmas a
time to be together, to love one another,
regardless of our differences? Maybe we
should learn from the young ones a bit
and just enjoy the holidays like they were
meant to be, and take our traditions back
from those politically correct killjoys.
The nerve, honestly.
Gotta catch ’em all
Samantha Villeneuve
Opinions Editor
Facebook is the butt of many of my
jokes. Of course, you can still find me
there any time you like because obviously – like the rest of the unfortunate
youth grazing the online pastures - I
have a profile. I write pointless messages on walls and add stupid applications because I dislike my homework.
My cellphone is programmed to receive
any notifications of people posting on
my own wall because God forbid I don’t
read their messages right a-fricken-way.
I “attend events” and post pictures afterwards as proof that I went because
all the cool kids know that a party never
happened unless it’s on Facebook. Yes,
okay! I’m guilty of it all.
All except one thing. Facebookfriending. Amy Johnson has added you
as a friend! Who? John Samson has
added you as a friend! Huh? Monique
Siobhan Laruquill has added you as a
friend? WHO THE F**K ARE YOU?
DECLINE, DECLINE, DECLINE!
Are you stupid? If we don’t know each
other then I’m NOT interested in getting to know you better THROUGH
FACEBOOK. And STOP “POKING”
ME! No means no. It still means no
• Wednesday
���������� December
��������� 5
�th, 2007
after your thirty-second friend request.
It will mean no after your thirty-third.
But my favourite are those people
who I do know. Those people who I
went to high school with but have never
spoken to in my life. They surf on
Facebook the same way I play Pokemon
Pearl. Facebook is like a Pokedex.
You need as many different species as
possible or you’re not a true Pokemon
master.
These Facebook collectors have no
soul. 1,328 friends in 37 different networks but NO SOUL. They will add
you as their friends but then will show
no signs of greeting or reconnaissance
when they pass you in the hallway.
“Hey, check it out! I’ve got 78 out
of the 112 2005 Queen of Angels graduates! PSYCHE!”
Then people go to their page and
are like, “Wow, she’s so popular!” – no
… the tr uth is that ever yone hates
her. But no one can bear to press the
damned “Decline” button. CLICK THE
DECLINE BUTTON. CLICK IT.
And strangers, throw me a Pokeball,
I dare you. Samantha appears to be
caught. Oh! Samantha has broken free!
So close! Samantha is giving you a big,
huge F**K YOU FINGER. It is very
effective.
Bandersnatch Opinions
Companion Cube company
Matt Guite
Staff writer
Sl a n d e ro u s E c
s
xe
Are you tired of friends who won’t listen? Are
you sick of people bothering you to go places and
do things that you don’t want to do? Do you live
in eternal fear of the backstabbing and lying of
others? If so, then fear no more! The answer to
your prayers is here: The Companion Cube(TM)!
Developed by Aperture Science Inc., the worldwide leader in shower curtain
technology, the Companion
Cube is your new best friend!
It is everything you’ve ever
wanted in a friend: it listens, it
offers advice, it splits the bill, it offers to terminate your enemies for
you! What more could you possibly
want from a friend? Nothing, that’s
what! Once you’ve experienced the
Companion Cube for yourself, you’ll
never need squishy meat bags for friends
again! No, only the cold, metallic touch
of the Companion Cube will bring you
joy. Only it’s soothing, quiet voice in your
head will be able to offer advice and tell
you who your real enemies are! The Companion
Cube would never lie to you, because it loves you!
And nobody can ever love you as much as the
Companion Cube does. Not even Jesus, and that’s
a (currently untested, unchecked) fact!
“But wait,” you say! “This sounds a little fishy,”
you say. “How do I know this is true?” Well, you
doubting, suspicious, question-asking meat bag,
it has to be true! It’s in print! And nothing put
into print could ever lie to you! And to reassure
you even more, the
entire staff of
Judy Gelsthorpe
Plunder Woman
William Attar
Bandersnatch has been replaced with Companion
Cubes (those not yet replaced are being replaced as
we speak, please allow three to five business days
for the cleansing to be completed) so there’s no way
any of this could be false, because the Companion
Cube is your friend, your only REAL friend. The
Companion Cube is the only one who will never lie
to you, as shown by various studies conducted by a
half dozen escaped mental patient experimenting
with LSD. So you see, dear reader? What you see
here is fact. The Companion Cube is your one true
friend. Just listen to these glowing testimonies!
“Without my beloved Companion Cube, I
never would have known that Saddam Hussein was
hiding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Now,
thanks to the Companion Cube, I have liberated the
Iraqi people and allowed peace and Democracy to
reign over the Middle-East.”
– George W. Bush
“The Companion Cube is, like, so hot.”
– Paris Hilton
“They tried to take the Companion Cube
from me, but it told me they would do that. I was
ready. Now they cannot steal it from me, because
being buried underground is like being in space.
Nobody can hear you scream, and you can’t steal
people’s Companion Cubes. I know because the
Companion Cube told me so.”
– Aperture Science Test Subject #13
“Without the Companion Cube, I am
nothing.”
– Aperture Science Test Subject #7
What stunning testimony! Now you can see all
the great changes the Companion Cube can make
in your life, so why wait? Purchase one now for the
low low price of 99,99,99$!! And remember, the
cake may be a lie, but the cube is forever.
Side Stink
Megan Chan
Sanitizer
Leia Wesley
She will not be denied
Barb Radziwon
Mme. Smooch
Raluca Iancu
The Purple Lemming
Sam Villeneuve
Not-so-visible Woman
Justin “Nibbles” Banks
The Wiper
Andrei Iancu
Top Ten Rea son s to Hate Omnivox
1. It alway s seem s down when you need it the most.
2. You`re one cla s s away from the perfect schedule` every time.
3. It`s a great tracking sy stem for teachers.
4. The MIO you haven`t checked never seem s to go away !
5. That one new document seem s to follow you seme sters on end.
6.The perfect snow day gets ruined with the 148-person waiting li st.
7.The grade s graph i s alway s depre s sing!
8. Re gi stering for lockers online leave s you in the most usele s s
corner of the school.
9. The ``me s sage s intended for you`` are not alway s intended for you.
10. Some teachers are just too Omnivox-happy .
Super Lysdexic Kid
Eri- Chan
Magic Twig
Sarah Michaud
The Flasherette
Alex “Jeff” Attar
The Green Laser
Wedneday December 5th * 7
Horrorscope s
Aries (March 20 - April 20) - Accept that still being a virgin isn’t totally bad.
Just because you can’t get any doesn’t make you any less worthy…besides, it’s a
gold ticket to being sacrificed. Keep an eye out for those mutant aardvarks.
Libra (September 20 - October 20) - I see snow; lots of snow. In
fact…I see nothing but snow. Whatever it is you want to accomplish,
don’t even try. You’re just hopeless.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Angelina Jolie will show up at your house for
a secret mission; have the package ready. You will also receive a letter from
God. He thinks you need to stop smiling; you’re not supposed to be happy.
Scorpio (October 20 - November 20)- When in doubt, extra strength
liquid laxative is your key- and it’s translucent. Use it wisely.
Gemini (May 20 - June 20) - Flatulence isn’t so bad…let that air out
before it eats your intestines. You might want to air out the room, a few
scented candles and a fan before your significant other comes back because, man, they won’t be your significant other after they smell that.
Sagittarius (November 20 - December 20)- You will receive a phone
call from your priest. He misses your private attendance. Say five Hail
Mary’s and maybe call the cops while you’re at it.
Cancer (June 20 - July 20) - Don’t bother reading this. I’m about to
tell you you’re going to die.You’re going to die.
Capricorn (December 20 - January 20)- Feeling empty in the romance
department? Nothing new. Get used to it. Don’t waste your time, or your
money. Really, even those spam emails won’t help.
Leo (July 20 - August 20) - The stars tell me you need to get a makeover- that mirror didn’t break for nothing.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 20) - No use in trying to hide it,
everyone knows you’re not getting any. However, I see alternatives; your
parents toys…maybe?
Virgo (August 20 - September 20)- Don’t deny it. Everyone knows
you forgot to take the medication. They can smell it. Perfume or cologne
just doesn’t cut it. Try a body suit next time.
Pisces (February 20 - March 20)- Don’t ignore
your mother’s phone calls...she’s been worried
ever since you started doing your homework. You
are not like that, and we all know it. Now go
paint your roses black and scratch your sister’s
eyes out like you used to.
*TZPVSDBUUPPBGSBJEUPDBUDIUIPTFNJOJBUVSF"GSJDBOQFTUT
*GTPDBMMUIF)PVTF)JQQP&YUFSNJOBUPST
$BMM,*--)*110450%":
* Wedneday December 5th
DESSERTIFICATION
Thousand s flee in terror a s We stern Europe suf fers a bittersweet apocalypse
Matthew Crawford-Appignanesi
Daniel Heron
Louis-Robert Bart
Contributors
Disclaimer: This article is a satirical
take on the article from the previous
Bandersnatch issue, “Climate war change”,
whom the co-authors of this piece found
ridiculously funny for its total disregard
of grammar, spelling, and general poor
quality. To illustrate the point, all quotes
from this article are directly lifted from
the previous one - mistakes intact - to
show what someone who skims the article
might be shocked to learn if taken out of
context.
Shock and utter terror have gripped
the world today, as the sovereign state of
Spain was, today, completely dessertified.
Grieving evacuees look back at their homes
across the Franco-Spanish border as waves
of rocky road ice cream and pie a la mode
rocket down from the skies and massive
icing formations erupt from the ground.
Scattered reports from the Iberian plateau
paint a grim picture; Barcelona
has been completely destroyed by oncoming carrot cake while Madrid, the
capitol, lies at the mercy of
a vicious chocolate rain
downpour.
This comes as no surprise to most John Abbott
students after Gwynne Dyer’s
recent lecture in the Agora,
which predicted such a tasty disaster. Dr.
Dyer shockingly predicted “...Spain, Italy,
Turkey and Southern France turning into
desserts”. Spain was, according to the honored guest lecturer “...already half dessert,
and it wouldn’t take much to push it over
the edge.” Clearly, the threshold of total
frosting was passed more quickly than
Dyer could ever have predicted.
The most pivotal of questions, however, remains: what
threshold have we passed
exactly? What could possibly
cause such a delicious tragedy
in such a short time? The answer, according to Dr. Dyer, is of course, the evils of
“emissionions”. The facts are unclear
at this point to what emissionions are
exactly, however certain authorities believe that these are in fact emissi-onions
- small forms of nano-pollution and the
by-product of Greenhouse Gases. They
have an incredibly bitter, onion like taste,
and cause a natural reaction in the Earth
which causes it to produce sugary delights
at a rapid rate to balance the emissionions
poor taste.
With the Spanish Dessert Incident now
pushing the issue of emissionions to the
forefront of media and international attention, one can only ask how it can change
the political climate. Some believe it will
usher in a period of peace and cooperation
to stop the confectionary apocalypse
from even manifesting, however,
Dr. Dyer’s view has proved to be
a pessimistic one. The United
Kingdom is prepared to might
malnutrition at the hands of
oncoming dessertification by
“black mail[ing] other country to giving
their food” through the use of “60 billions dollars worth” of nuclear weapons.
British officials have yet to comment on
which country will be the sole target of
such a massive and expensive strike; it is,
however, safe to say that said country will
be totally annihilated by the blast, and that
any hopes of recovering nutritious food
will probably prove futile.
In related news, the rate of Spanish
obesity has risen to dramatic highs over the
past few days, and the Spanish economy
shows signs of potential revitalization under private dental clinics and health centers. This silver lining to economic growth
is sadly punctuated by the incredible drop
of the Dow Jones Industrial Composite
which saw a massive hit as such famous
confectioners as Willy Wonka report huge
profit losses in the billions dollars... probably 60 billions dollars.
Wedneday December 5th * HEALTH & WELLNESS CENTRE
We are currently under quarantine due to a zombie infestation if you are in needdddddd… of brains… brains…
braaaains… brains… brains…
FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE
Need Financial assistance? It’s the holiday season, who
doesn’t?
JOHN ABBOTT COLLEGE
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Every fight’s a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
Dimitri Martin
Please recycle this info or put it back in the box,
or JACtivists will come after you
ON CAMPUS
Agora happenings:
Monday Dec 4: Nothing - because no one came 0:00 – 0:00
Tuesday Dec 5: Nothing – recovering from Monday 0:00 – 0:00
Wednesday Dec 6: Giant Book Fair – rescheduled from
Monday 9:00 – 5:00
Thursday Dec 7: Sexual Awareness Book Fair 9:00 – 10:00
Friday Dec 8: Harry Potter – because people seem to never get enough of it. 9:00 – 9:00
REGISTRARIAT
Winter 2008 Registration Fees increase of 10$ going towards secret stash fund. Please pay before the holiday
shopping ends.
Going to University next year? Ha! You wish. Just admit
that you are too comfortable in your bed and wait until next
year to give it another try.
JACADEMICS
Looking for study groups? Those who have potential started weeks ago. Stop looking.
Failures Anonymous Support Group for those who have
failed their exam. We won’t release your identity but those
noobs next year in your class will know the moment they
see you anyway.
STUDENT SERVICES
COUNSELLING
Drop ins
It’s the end of the semester. You’re all procrastinators and
all appointments are booked until next semester.
You are going to be on probation next semester, deal with
it and go sign the damn probation contract.
Do you feel as if no one understands you? Language tutors are standing by to help. Learn to speak a language
today!
HOUSING SERVICES
If you are looking for a place to stay, there are no rooms
available at the moment but I hear that there’s the cat
house under the front stairs if you’re desperate.
STUDENT EMPLOYMENT CENTRE
We’re going on vacation.
STUDENT ACTIVITIES
Learn to talk with your hands! Become a Muppeteer today!
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Procrastinators can... umm...
whatever, just do it later.
SPORTS AND RECREATION
Men’s Basketball Action – uncensored and wild! Come to
the special Wednesday night home game at 8:00pm.
SCHOLARSHIP INFO
If you’re the last son of Krypton, a rich boy with issues, or
you enjoy wearing a pretty green ring, you are eligible for
the Watchtower Scholarship. It doesn’t really mean much,
but it sounds cool.
SUJAC/CLUBS
SUJAC: This week is the last week for the Aerobic Fitness
Club. Get your exercise in before the holidays come. No
one needs the guilt.
BANDERSNATCH: We are the Bander League. We will
snatch your soul!
CSKY: No one listens to you so listen to us.
JACtivists: Actively doing some stuff occasionally, not really
GAMERS: We want our Magic cards back!
PAGAN: Shhhh…
PAGINGS
Paul Lachance – Please come to the bookstore. We have
something for you. Bring no one.
OFF CAMPUS
Christmas concert: See Alan Jones play the bagpipes,
whistle, and guitar all at once! What a way to spread holiday cheer!
LOST AND FOUND
Lost: the joy of Christmas as Ho! Ho! Ho! Has been replaced with Ha! Ha! Ha! If found, please make this insanity
stop.
Lost: Zimbabwe. If found, please point it out to me because I am too lazy to do my Geography homework.
Found: Magic cards. Gamers are hunting them down as we
speak.
Untitled
Untitled
Patricia Auer - Contributor
Acrylic Painting
Untitled
Taylor Light - Contributor
Enamel Painting
Tina Lippert - Contributor
Acrylic Painting
Untitled
Andrea Girard - Contributor
Acrylic Painting
Roasting on an open fire
Megan Chan - News Editor
Photograph
Bandersnatch Arts
Fishies
Raluca Iancu - Arts Editor
Ink Drawing
Wednesday December 5th, 2007 • 11
Finding beauty in Seether
Will Attar
Assistant Editor-in-Chief
Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces is the title
of Seether’s new album. From what I found,
there is plenty of beauty, and no negative
spaces at all.
The song “Like Suicide” begins with a very
basic melody, which concerned me because I
was afraid that the band had gone simple for
this album. Shaun Morgan begins to sing the
lyrics with a soft delicate touch, then casually
sings the verse and chorus, but once he gets
to the end of the chorus, BAM, the heavy
comes in and Seether shows you that they
mean business.
The song continues with this pattern,
no longer as simple as the intro, and with a
nice heavy bridge. Overall, a great start to
the album.
The next song was “Fake It”. This one
bugged me a little because, it seemed to have
that punkish rhythm to it. Not the familiar
hard rock or metal that Seether usually is.
Don’t get me wrong, the song is plenty heavy,
but the rhythm made me think I’ve heard it
somewhere else before. Kind of like “Miss
Murder” by AFI, but at the same time, different. It all rather confused me and I went
to the next song.
“Breakdown”, a nice soft song that uses
feedback as a wonderful tool, shows a beautiful loving side to Seether. Piano comes in
and adds a nice touch to the song. This song
is very powerful and it seems like everything
is just in the right place.
“FMLYHM”…trust me…those letter
mean something. I’m just not allowed to
publish it. Musically, it’s typical Seether: heavy,
with a softer pre chorus, and heavy once again
into the chorus.
I go down to a couple songs later and
listen to “Rise Above This”. Musically and
vocally, this song shows a much lighter side
to Seether. Kind of similar to their song “Fine
Again” off their Discaimer
II album. This doesn’t
lower the overall rating
of the album though,
only heightens it.
The next song blew
me away. Seven minutes
long, the song “No Jesus
Christ” caught my ear. I
played it and was greeted
with a bass line that made
me thing of Tool. The
drumming style seemed
to fit as well: soft high
hat and a clap, with light
toms in the back. Then,
after the opening lyrics,
a screaming guitar slides
in, intensifying the mood placed by the bass
and drums. Morgan continues to sing the
lyrics and clean muted chords are added to
the drums and bass. The intense guitar scream
returns, and instead of returning to the soft
bass and drum created atmosphere, Morgan
screams, “You’re no Jesus Christ!” The song
kicks in and gives you an awesome song to
head bang to.
Overall, the album has well written lyrics,
a balance of light and heavy, songs that have
the old familiar feeling of Seether as well
as something new, and is very enjoyable to
listen to.
While the previews for the movie
seemed pretty good, the movie was even
better than expected. Natalie Portman
plays alongside Dustin Hoffman in this
tale about finding magic and one’s inner
child. With such a star cast, it was destined
to be a great movie.
The Wonder Emporium is the biggest
toy store in the world and all is happy and
magical until Mr. Magorium (Hoffman)
bequeaths his store to the manager, Molly
Mahoney (Portman). Molly, However,
is insecure, feels like she’s “stuck” and
needs to move on with her life, beyond the
Emporium. To top things off, she is stuck
with an accountant (or more precisely, a
“counting mutant” with no imagination or
belief in magic) whom Mr. Magorium had
hired in preparation for his departure.
At 233 years old, Mr. Magorium feels
more than ready to leave this world. As
if having the store handed down to her
wasn’t enough, Molly also has to deal with
the loss of her boss and mentor. Even
the store is upset by this news, and has a
temper tantrum. Not wanting to abandon
Molly, Mr. Magorium gives her a mysterious wooden cube which only really serves
to confuse her more. Said to be the key to
her success, Molly doesn’t doubt that the
cube is magic, although she is unsure of
how to use it.
As the movie unfolds, Molly must
regain her innocence and self confidence in order to
restore the store to
its former splendor.
As her character develops, so does the
accountant’s, Henry
Watson, played by
Jason Bateman. He,
much like her, must
find the magic in
everyday life. Henry
is so used to dealing
with paperwork that
he has almost forgotten how to interact with people.
12 • Wednesday
���������� December
��������� 5
�th, 2007
In theatres
Awake
Beowulf
Enchanted
Fred Claus
The Mist
CDs
The Spice Girls: Greatest Hits
DVDs
I Know Who Killed Me
Hot Rod
Pirates of the Caribbean
Superbad
Waitress
Upcoming
Releases
In theatres
Mr. Magorim’s
��������������������
wonderful ���������������
Wonder Emporium
Raluca Iancu
Arts editor
New Releases
In her quest, Molly is also helped by
Eric Applebaum, a young hat collector
who must make new friends. Eric is an
inventive kid; unfortunately, he lacks social
skills and is an outcast in the playground.
Other children find him weird because of
his hat collection. He ends up finding an
unlikely friend in Henry.
Since the Emporium is a magical toy
store, its stock includes many exciting
magical toys. From the mischievous escape
attempts of the bouncy balls, the door to
many rooms, and the “fresh fish” mobiles,
there’s a giggle or two in store for even the
least imaginative audience. The store itself
has a mind of its own, and an unrivaled
temper tantrum is inevitably unleashed by
Mr. Magorium’s departure. Flamethrowers,
an octopus, and even an angry lemur work
their way in to wreak some havoc and
chase away all the customers.
Overall, the actors played their parts
quite convincingly. Sure, there were some
parts in which Portman performed some
questionable movements,but they were
perfect for a good laugh. My favorite character, by far, was the stuffed monkey. All
he wanted was a hug from Henry.
As a whole, the movie holds together
quite well. It’s a great experience and people of all ages will enjoy it. Whether you’re
going as a family, as a couple, or on your
own, you will enjoy the plot twist and
the overall fun spirit of the movie.
The Golden Compass
December 7
Alvin and the Chipmunks
December 14
I am Legend
December 14
Sweeny Todd
December 21
CDs
Mariah Carey: Sweet Soul Odyssey
February 25
DVDs
The Bourne Ultimatum
December 11
Harry Potter 5
December 11
Balls of Fury
December 18
The Simpsons Movie
December 18
Stardust
December 18
Underdog
December 18
The Brothers Solomon
December 26
Rush Hour 3
December 26
Upcoming
Events
Alexisonfire
December 15 at 7, Metropolis
Three Days Grace
January 14 at 8, Metropolis
Bandersnatch Entertainment
Just when you thought nothing could beat 300
Barbara Radziwon
Entertainment Editor
Every year, around the holiday season,
Hollywood releases some of the most memorable films to the silver screen. Once upon
a time, it was The Lord of the Rings series that
captivated audiences worldwide, and then
it was the legendary King Kong that crashed
through the theatres. This holiday season is
no different, as Beowulf is a film that is sure
to entertain anyone.
Beowulf takes us back to a time of folklore
and battles against mythical beasts. Based on
the epic poem, which is said to have been
written somewhere between the 8th and 11th
centuries, Beowulf follows the story of the
legendary warrior and his triumphant adventures. The film starts off with a celebration
amongst a group of villagers and their king,
in a hall known as “The Mead Hole”. The
villagers sing, dance, drink, and hale their
generous king, who is voiced by the talented
Anthony Hopkins. However, not all is fun
and games. Just beyond the small village,
deep inside a dark cave lives the monster
Grendel who terrorizes the town. Born
with an over developed left ear, Grendel is
tormented by the singing and chanting of
the people. Whenever they celebrate, their
voices echo in his home and drive him into
a killing frenzy.
After Grendel attacks and slaughters
the villagers celebrating, the hero Beowulf
arrives on the shores with his men. Thus
the story begins! Beowulf, voiced by Ray
Winstone, agrees to aid the Scandinavian
people by killing the monster that haunts
them. He orders the villagers and his men to
feast and sings as loud as they can that night,
in order to taunt the monster. Since Grendel
fights with no weapons, and bares no armor,
Beowulf decides to fight the creature completely in the nude. Sadly, this is a family rated
movie, so the thing you really want to see is
covered by the strategically placed hand, or
helmet, etc. Beowulf fights Grendel in what
is one of the most intense fist fights ever to
be created for the screens.
Naturally, Beowulf is victorious and all
seems well. The Scandinavian villagers have
a new reason to get drunk off their behinds
and the celebrations begin anew. However,
back in the cave where Grendel lived, a
new terror awakens. It seems that Grendel’s
mother, voiced by Angelina Jolie, is not too
pleased with the news that her son was killed
by Beowulf. The legendary warrior then sets
out to destroy the new demon only to find
that the creature he went out to destroy, has
disguised itself as a beautiful woman. Lust
blinds Beowulf from his goal and Grendel’s
mother makes him the new king.
Years go by, and Beowulf governs the
lands that were once plagued with evil. Wait,
did I say that the lands were once plagued
with evil? My mistake, the evil still exist, only
this time it is in the shape of a giant dragon.
Once again, Beowulf strips himself and goes
to face the dragon that is out to destroy him.
Where did this dragon come from? Does
Beowulf win the fight? The only way to find
out is to see the film.
Although the film appears to star real
people, the entire movie is computer animated. With stunning effects, you feel as if
you are actually in the movie. Stuff comes at
your face, from behind you and from below
you. It’s enough to make you sort of queasy
if you’re not ready for it. Each character was
designed after the actor who voiced them.
Therefore, you were basically watching a
computer generated Anthony Hopkins play
the role of a Scandinavian king.
Aside from the striking graphics, the
story itself was amazing. Although they
did not stay true to the epic poem, director
Robert Zemeckis added his own twist to
the story. The one thing that doesn’t seem
to work in this film is that we still haven’t
mastered human faces in the world of motion-capture-animation. Most of the time
Beowulf looks good, especially when he
ages, but the secondary characters and almost
all the women have blank expressionless
doll faces. Of course, Jolie is the exception,
mainly because she resembles a cartoon
character in real life.
It seems that Hollywood has done it
again. With the Christmas break fast approaching, the big films are hitting the
screens. So if you find yourself in need of
escape from the family this holiday season,
by all means, get yourself to an IMAX theatre
and settle down for a film filled with adventure, monsters, and naked fight scenes. For
centuries, Beowulf was a legend on paper,
but now he will be a legend in film.
Merry Relient K-hristmas
Barbara Radziwon
Entertainment Editor
The days are shorter, the temperature
keeps dropping, and the snow covers the
ground…yes, boys and girls, its that time of
year again! It’s the time where no matter where
you go, you hear the same old Christmas
songs being played. Whether it is at home, at
work, in your car, or at the mall, it seems as if
everyone has the same CD of holiday tunes
playing. With all its jingling and twinkling,
it’s enough to make one heave out an entire
fruit cake. However, there seems to be hope
for those of you who want to escape these
monotonous melodies. The boys of Relient K
have released a Christmas album just in time
for the people who are ready to hang more
than just the stockings.
Formed in 1998 in Canton, Ohio, Relient
K is a Christian rock band. Although a few
band members have been replaced over the
years, the group is still going strong. Let It
Snow Baby…Let It Reindeer is the group’s sixth
album, and features 17 tracks of both old and
new Christmas songs. Relient K pumps up
all their songs so that once you press play, all
you can do is rock out. Songs such as “Have
Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” and
“Angels We Have Heard on High”, which are
both songs that are sung to a slow tune, are
completely turned around.
Not only has the band turned every
Christmas song into a rock song, but they have
added their own twisted humor to some of the
lyrics. In “The Twelve Days of Christmas”,
Bandersnatch Entertainment
the lyrics read “…what’s a partridge, and
what’s a pear tree, well I don’t know so please
don’t ask me but I can bet those are terrible
gifts to buy”. The group has also written their
own Christmas songs, such as the amusing
“Santa’s Thumbing to Town” and “I Hate
Christmas Parties”. In addition, they pay
homage to the glorious Boxing Day.
Fans of Relient K will be pleased to know
that Matt Thiessen is still fantastic as lead
vocalist, and Hoopes, Warne, and Schneck all
do their part to make the band sound better
than ever before. Thiessen’s vocal talents are
beautifully complimented and bring all the
carols to a new level.
Let It Snow Baby…Let It Reindeer is the
perfect escape from all the holiday madness.
So next time you’re shopping around for gifts
for people you can barely stand, and those so
call “feel-good” holiday tunes come on, click
your iPod to Relient K’s collection of twisted
holiday songs and have yourself a kickass
Christmas!
Wednesday December 5th, 2007 • 13
Making with the stabby stabby in Assassin’s Creed
Matthew Guite
Staff Writer
Life, as we all know, is about choices.
A few weeks ago, I was called upon to
make another choice, to make a decision
at a crossroad in my life. Should I get
Mass Effect, or Assassin’s Creed? Not an
easy decision (well, for some maybe, but
not for me). In the end, loyalty to the local
guys at Ubisoft Montreal and the desire
to make with the stabby stabby prompted
me to choose Assassin’s Creed. I guess Mass
Effect must wait.
Anyways, this article is about only
one game, not two. This article is about
Ubisoft Montreal’s latest sandbox romp
into the 12th century (and, if I may hazard a guess, probably their first romp into
said time period), Assassin’s Creed for the
Xbox 360 and PS3. Let it be known that
I am reviewing the 360 version; any difficulties or advantages found in the PS3
version are beyond my grasp and for you
to find yourself.
But enough of that, you want to know
if the game is good or not. In Assassin’s
Creed, you play as Altaïr, a member of the
original bad-asses, the Hashshashin who
are, for lack of a better explanation, the
original Assassins. While he is extremely
dangerous and one of the best assassins
in his clan, Altaïr has also grown arrogant,
and because of this he is disgraced and
stripped of all his honour for failing to assassinate his target or recover the treasure
he was sent to capture. Now, holding the
meager rank of ‘Uninitiated’, Altaïr must
perform nine extremely important assassinations if he is to have his honor restored.
Sounds like a piece of cake, right?
When you first start playing AC, there
will be a few plot twists within the first
five minutes of play that I cannot spoil
for you. Once you really get into the
swing of things, however, the first thing
you’re likely to notice are the jaw-dropping
visuals. There’s no argument that AC is
a breathtaking game. The moment you
first step into Damascus, the first of the
three large cities you’ll be visiting, you’ll
be blown away. The entire city has been
rendered historically correct, down to the
last street and back-alley.
As you later visit Acre, a more
European Dark Ages-type city, and then
Jerusalem, the city everybody’s got their
eyes on, you’ll begin to appreciate just how
much effort went into the visuals of this
game. Character animations are smooth
(especially Altaïr’s as he runs, jumps and
climbs all over the cities) and the combat
is fluid, with only a few minor graphic
hiccups and glitches to be seen (I could
have sworn I stabbed that man in the side
of the head, but apparently when I did,
my blade decided to come out the other
side at a 90 degree angle difference...oh
well). But it is the cities themselves that
will steal the show time and time again.
You’re even encouraged to be stunned by
them, as the game offers you the chance to
climb to particularly high ‘View Points’ in
order to get a look around and find where
you need to go (and, at the same time, give
you a 360° rotating shot of your beautiful
surroundings).
There is something that must be said
about the story even before you begin playing: this is part of a trilogy. We all know
what that means. Without giving anything
away, let me simply say that there will be
aspects of the story that raise questions
that are never answered, and one must
remind oneself that answers are coming,
they are simply a few years down the line.
That having been said, the story you’ll find
in AC is intriguing and truly does its job
of pulling you in, which makes the wait
for the sequels all the more unbearable.
No worries, this isn’t like Halo 2. You get
your white whale, your final boss, your
sense of closure; you simply do not get
closure on everything. The character of
Altaïr is a great mix of bad-ass and loveable ass-hole, slowly transforming into a
bad-ass who has been truly changed by the
events of the game. This is something that
is all too often ignored when dealing with
video game characters that can easily be
two-dimensional clichés. All of the targets
(except for one or two) are real individuals
who were either killed or who disappeared
during the time of the Third Crusade,
which adds to the historical context of
14 • Wednesday
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�th, 2007
the game.
In terms of gameplay, there are several
aspects that contribute to the actual playing of the game.
The first part is, of course, the assassinations. While you are given your nine
targets, you are also bound to assassinate
many others with the help of your Hidden
Blade, which is an extremely cool weapon.
Essentially, Altaïr had his ring finger cut
off so that he could use a hidden blade
that extends from his gauntlet. When
clenching his fist, the blade occupies the
space normally reserved for said finger,
and it is with this weapon that you will
deal silent, swift death. The game lets you
assassinate anybody you choose, though
doing so to civilians will result in consequences such as nearby guards turning on
you. Therefore, stealth is key. It is entirely
possible to assassinate a guard while his
friend stands with his back turned, five
feet away, and then escape swiftly, with
nobody the wiser. As for the nine “boss”
assassinations, each is unique and beautifully planned out, with numerous possible paths for you to take to your target.
Before you can find your target, however,
you must gather information, which is
done through tasks such as interrogation,
eavesdropping, helping out your fellow
assassins and more.
Another key aspect of gameplay is
stealth. While not being seen is always
considered the best way to be stealthy,
this is not always possible, so Assassin’s
Creed takes a more realistic approach: the
crowd mechanic. You are in a populated
city, after all, and will have to deal with
crowds. If you sprint through knocking
every old lady and leper down as you go,
guards are going to pay close attention
to you, if not attack outright. But if you
move slowly, brushing passerbyers aside
with a gentle push, then you will be hardly
suspicious and able to go about your business as you wish. Furthermore, if you are
caught running around like an idiot on the
rooftops then you may find yourself full
of arrows. It all depends on how stealthy
you can be.
Of course, the combat system (for
when you do get caught) is amazing in
its own right, with abilities unlocked as
the game progresses and new, and more
powerful weapons being given to you for
each succesful assassination.
AC’s biggest fault, unfortunately, is
that it becomes repetitive. The first three
chapters of the game may be good times
all around, but by the fifth and sixth,
things start to drag. You will find yourself
sick of eavesdropping, sick of interrogating, andsick of climbing tall towers. It is at
this time that it’s up to you to make your
own fun. Few people play an open game
like Grand Theft Auto without screwing
around all the time, no? AC is similar.
While you cannot sleep with hookers or
shoot anybody with an AK-47, you can run
around, climb every building, find hidden
flags, assassinate anybody you want or
simply draw the attention of every guard
in the city and then spend twenty minutes
in combat slaughtering them all. There’s
no doubt that something should have been
done to make this game less repetitive, but
short of marching down there and giving
them a piece of your mind, having fun
your own way will have to do.
In the end, A.C. is not the game of the
year. It looks great, it brings something
new to the table, the story is intriguing and
the combat is exciting, but the repetitiveness of the game truly drags it down in the
second half. The PS3 version apparently
has problems with freezing, and minor
glitches can take you out of the experience in a way that simply should not be a
case at this point. While it is a wonderful
title nonetheless that I encourage anyone
to buy, we will have to wait for Assassin’s
Creed 2 to see if any of these flaws are
dealt with. Here’s hoping.
Verdict:
BUY
Bandersnatch Games Page
John Abbott press release
John Abbott Press Release
Tuesday
PROVINCIAL CROWN FOR
TENNIS ISLANDERS
The John Abbott Tennis islanders
capped their awesome season with a
nail biting Provincial Championship win
this past Sunday at Cote de Liesse. The
Islanders, having beaten Vanier 13-2 in
the semis, faced their arch rival College
Brébeuf in the finals. The sea-saw affair
began with a lead for JAC after No.1 player Jillian O’Neill won her match handily
6-1, 6-2. The tide turned to Brébeuf
favor when Abbott singles players Ryan
Bouttell (6-1, 6-3) and captain Charles
Tischler (6-2, 0-6, 6-2) went down in
tough, close matches.
The momentum swung back to John
Abbott when Paule Guilbert fought to a
comeback win (6-2, 5-7, 7-5) to tie the
score at 2-2. Then Abbott took the lead
back with a victory by Alcindo Vincenti
jr. and Kevin Chow (6-4, 6-3). When
Abbott’s number 2 doubles team and
their girls doubles teams both went down
a set and were behind in their 2nd sets,
it looked like a Brébeuf victory was at
hand. But both JAC teams fought back to
force tie-breaks and when the JAC teams
won both, 3rd sets were needed to decide
the outcome. Captain JS Downs and
German import Max Malessa clinched
the Provincial victory with a 4-6, 7-6, and
6-1 win, while the girl’s team of captain
Sam Dimitraki and Lir Fri were leading
in the 3rd set when play was stopped
(5-7, 7-6 3-2).
In the end the Tennis Islanders won
their 12th Provincial crown in dramatic
fashion with a 5-2 score (11-8 in sets).
WOMEN’S HOCKEY WINS 1st
GAME UNDER NEW COACHING STAFF
On Sunday after noon, the Lady
Islanders played host to Lévis-Lauzon
and won their first game under new
head coach Billy Campbell, 2-1. The lady
Islanders played inspired hockey in the
first period, taking a 1-0 lead on a goal
from Darragh Hamilton with 7 minutes
left in the period. The Lady Islanders
kept the intensity up and it wasn’t before the 17 minute mark in the second
period before Lévis-Lauzon was able to
break goalie Karine Loiseau. In a heavily
battled third period, the Lady Islanders
were rewarded for their hard work when
Darragh Hamilton scored her second
goal of the game with 2 minutes left in
the period. This win is the first one under new head coach Billy Campbell and it
was much deserved one. It should help
build momentum for the Lady Islanders
who have a hard week ahead of them,
playing St-Laurent on Friday night and
then leaving for a tournament in Stowe,
Vermont
WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL
The Lady Islanders played their 3rd
tournament of the season at Maisonneuve
on Sunday and they did not achieve the
desired results. Many of the players
themselves will surely admit the effort
just wasn’t there for this tournament;
however, this is not to say that they
are not capable of much better. After a
split with Montmorency, the Lady Isles
lost matches to Maisonneuve, EdouardMontpetit, Andre Grasset and to MarieVictorin.Even after a disappointing
showing, there were some bright spots
with ver y g ood perfor mances from
Caitlin Haines and Maya Bialy in the
middle. Ariane Sauvé, in what will most
Habs losing streak, deja-vu or bad timing?
Andy Iancu
Sports Editor
It’s already been 26 matches into
the season, and the Habs have been all
around the block. They started out the
season on the right foot, giving fans
that spark of hope for the ultimate goal.
However, the Canadiens have started to
slip. In their last ten games, they managed to get only eight points out of a
possible 20. This happens to worry a
lot of fans, but mainly the players. Last
year, the Habs went on a losing streak
at this time of year. The freefall caused
them to be locked out of the series, and
no “last ten games” effort was enough,
thanks to the Leafs.
You can’t really say their motivation
is at its highest either. In Saturday’s
game, the Habs were up by three until
the third period. Guillaume Latendresse
scored the only goal in second, and his
team’s only goal in third, while Chris
Higgins and Thomas Plekanec scored in
first. Eight minutes and 40 seconds into
the third, Jed Ortmeyer scored shorthanded. Two minutes later, Guillaume
Latendresse replied with his second of
the game, and his seventh overall. It
was all downhill from there. The Preds
scored at 12:26 to get within two, then at
16:55 to get within one, and then finally
created the tie at 19:13. In overtime,
neither team managed to rattle the net,
Bandersnatch Sports
and the game was headed in shootouts.
Here, Radek Bonk scored on the first
shot, putting Habs down 1-0 right off
the start. Aside from Bonk, only Koivu
managed to score for the Habs, but it
was too late as Merat had already put
his team up by two goals. On the bright
side, the Habs received no penalties during the first and the second period.
But it gets better. On tuesday reports
came that Huet was injured, and Price
has a cold. So Huet is sidelined, and
Halak was called back, while Price is
number one until Huet recovers. With
Price in the spotlight, it’s the perfect
time for him to prove himself, and for
Halak to try and come back to Montreal.
The good news is that Huet’s injury has
nothing to do with the one he suffered
last season and he says that he should
be back soon. The injury happened in
the first period, but Huet said “it wasn’t
enough for [him] to leave the game”. He
adds that the team is treating his injury
more seriously than it really is, but it’s
only preventive.
Tuesday, the Habs were playing
Detroit. The Red Wings are currently
holding the best record in the league,
so it’s up to the Habs to “slow them
down and minimize their chances”, as
Carbonneau said. However, Carbonneau
also jokingly added that his game plan
is hoping “they’ll be snowed in back
home in Detroit.” Detroit is 18-6-2 with
5-4-1 in their last 10 games, while Habs
are 13-9-4, with 4-5-1 in their last ten.
Since Detroit is known for being a quick
and smart team, the Canadiens plan
was to be careful in order to minimize
mistakes, and as in their last match,
avoid penalties. Another impor tant
point was for them to play defensively
in order to slow down Detroit’s attack.
The Red Wings have big quick attackers,
and if the Habs don’t manage to slow
them down, the Red Wings have a huge
opening to run away with the win early
in the match.
likely will be her last tournament of the
year, also had an excellent showing and
Olivia Nowak, Viviane Vo and Marilou
Côté also displayed some encouraging
performances.
MEN’S BASKETBALL AA
The men’s AA basketball team travelled to Vanier on Friday night and the
Islanders were looking at improving
their record to 8-1 in league play. The
players worked very hard and executed
perfectly on offence and defence in the
first half which gave them a 39-31 lead
at half time. However, the second half
was a different story; a nightmare. Vanier
increased their intensity on defence and
all of sudden; the Islanders became tentative, looked out of synch and didn’t
match up to the effort displayed by
Vanier. Vanier went on a 24-0 run and
had a 10 point lead by the end of the
third quarter. In the fourth quarter, the
Islanders refocused on the task at hand
and closed the gap to 1 point with about
1 minute to go. However, costly turnovers, fouls and lack of execution resulted
in a 72-65 loss. Scoring in double digits
for the Islanders were Jason Kramar (17
points), Jason Griffiths (14 points) and
Stephen Fox (12 points).
Upcoming Games
Tuesday Dec, 4
Red Wings @ Canadiens
Thursday Dec. 6
Canadiens @ Bruins
Saturday Dec. 8
Hurricanes @ Canadiens
Tuesday Dec. 11
Lightning @ Canadiens
Thursday Dec 13.
Canadiens @ Flyers
7:30
7:00
7:00
7:30
7:00
Wednesday December 5th, 2007 • 15
16 • Wednesday
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December 5th, 2007