Senior All Night Party Cancelled

Keeping Thurston High School informed every few steps of the way...
Volume π
Swimming
Pool in
Gym?
See page 4 “ Secret Swimming Pool
Revealed”
T
H
E
Pony Express
^
H
Issue Φ
Plasma in
Roberson’s
Blood?
See page 6 “Over Budget and Out for
Blood”
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Senior All Night Party Cancelled
A senior enjoys the senior all night party. This is what the seniors will not be enjoying this year.
Jess Harper | Penguin Herder
For every senior, this year
is their last chance to enjoy
the high school experience.
One way to create memories is
at the All Night Senior Party,
where only seniors can play
games and hanging out with
friends for an entire night.
But, the class of 2014 will not
see their senior night because
it will be cancelled this year.
Matt Selby, ASB president,
states that usually the parents
of the leadership group
organize the party, but because
of finances and inappropriate
behavior from the students,
the party will be impossible
this year. Selby hopes that
the plight of the class of 2014
will serve as a warning to
the graduating classes of the
future.
Due to the yearly budget
cuts, after the new computers,
printers, and P.E. equipment
there’s simply no more money
left for the seniors. Even
prom has been hard on the
administration’s pocket book
and will probably have to be
held at Thurston’s Main Gym.
Budget cuts are still affecting
the school and causing the
staff to prioritize the bills,
causing the seniors to miss out
on a few activities.
Money is not the only
reason for the Senior Party
to get cancelled, it was also
reported that the students
behavior is to blame for this
punishment. One example
is the excessive twerking at
previous school dances. The
administration would like us
to remember that just because
the Class of 2014’s motto
is “14 Twerk Team,” they
do not encourage twerking
as appropriate behavior on
school grounds. Also, the
actions of student drivers in
the senior lot have been far
too dangerous to ignore. Staff
members have insisted that
until the seniors can learn to
drive safely, consequences
must be made.
Senior
Dazie
Duckee
exclaims “It’s completely
unfair for the school to punish
us like this. The Senior All
Night Party was supposed to
be a day to remember; a day to
spend time with the friends we
probably won’t ever see again,
but now it’s been taken away
from us.”
Another
senior,
Phil
Paul, explains his view of the
cancellation, “I don’t really
care what happens. I probably
wouldn’t go anyways. I’d
just stay home and play
videogames or magic all night
long,”
Whatever the views or
opinions of this decision,
no one can undo what has
be done. There will be no
Senior All Night Party this
year. Because of this reason,
the Class of 2014 will not
experience their full senior
year.
as it is. In addition to the
extra metal, there will be two
layers of electric barbed wire
to top it off. Second, we will
be installing 14 extra hidden
security cameras in various
places around the school
(including the restrooms).
Lastly, heat sensors are being
added to each classroom,
which are linked to alarms in
the front office that will sound
if a student is somewhere that
they are not supposed to be.
To handle the issue of
underclassmen
sneaking
off campus, the school will
be hiring a security team to
guard each possible escape
route. As for stopping juniors
and seniors from assisting
underclassmen while leaving
campus through vehicles,
there will be an I.D. check
stationed at the gates near the
parking lot, which includes an
eye-scanner and fingerprint
check. “It’s about time they
stepped up the security around
here,” said junior Harley
Emery; “I’m tired of those
underclassmen sneaking off
with seniors.”
Another problem in our
school’s current security is
the fact that many objects
that can be found around the
school could easily be used
as weaponry. That is why the
administration has chosen to
ban a number of items, which
include: mechanical pencils,
sharp-pointed
compasses,
knives (metal and plastic),
stapler
machines,
spurs,
and any clothing with spikes
(including track shoes).
When the idea of increasing
security came about, the
administration was not sure
how we would afford all of
these extra measures of school
safety. They thought long and
hard about what we could cut,
and what the school could
do without, and came to the
conclusion that because the
Shop and Metals department
is known for being extremely
dangerous, that would be a
good place to start. As of next
year, Woodshop and Metals
classes will no longer be
offered.
Another idea to save
money was to limit the usage
of paper. We all know that this
has already been taken into
effect, and all of the money the
school has saved will be going
towards this cause. “I’m all for
this security upgrade. Giving
up paper is a small sacrifice
for our safety,” said senior
Erik Zack.
The
last,
and
most
prominent way we will be
saving money, is by cutting
our school’s most dangerous
sport: football. This will not
only help to fund this security
project, but it will decrease
the number of injuries in our
school by approximately 71%.
Once this new security is in
place, our school will become
a much happier and less
stressful place for us all.
Security Upgrades Strengthen Student Safety
Harley Emery | Dum Blonde
Starting on May 1st, 2014,
our school will be undergoing
some major changes, which
will focus on increasing the
security of students and staff.
This is due to many complaints
that faculty have heard this
past year from students as well
as teachers; resulting from
students who feel that they are
in danger on a daily basis, and
are unable to focus on their
education.
The primary changes will
be on the school grounds, and
the building itself. First, the
gate surrounding the school
will be heightened an extra
three and a half feet, because
clearly it is not tall enough
JUST SAY
NO TO
RECYCLING!
Sections
Hearsay.............2, 3
Futures..................4
Irrelevance...........5
Failures.............6,7
Facts.......................8
Tomorrow’s Weather
Miserable. It’s Oregon,
what do you expect? Why
do you even read this?
Senior’s inspiring dedication gives
THS hope for academic future...
Page 7, Features
2
{CURRENT EVENTS}
Blood Drive
Mishap
Thurston Gains Advanced
Literature Class
Zach Farr | Son-of-Odin
Starting in Fall of 2014,
Thurston High School will be
offering a new course to juniors
and seniors. Comic Literature,
as it is currently named, will be
offered to upperclassmen in need
of a Literature credit.
During the two semester
class, students will study various
forms of comics. Though little of
the curriculum has been detailed,
it is clear that one unit will focus
on the history of the Sunday
Funnies, and another unit will
focus on comic books with an
emphasis on both DC and Marvel
universe story arcs.
Thurston will be hiring a new
teacher for the course, as none of
the resident teachers stepped up
to take on the position. Thurston
Administration has not made its
decision yet, but hey have a few
hopefuls lined up for the position.
Literature teacher Will Ritter
said, “I don’t know where they’ll
find a big enough nerd… I mean
a brave enough teacher to take
up a job teaching an entirely
overlooked genre of literature.
Whoever they choose is a braver
man than I.”
THS administration has only
released the information of one
applicant for the position. Jeffrey
Albertson, who is considered an
expert in the field of comic books,
applied for the job as soon as
word came out about the position.
Albertson has owned a comic
book store in Springfield for
years now, and recently acquired
his teaching license.
“I’ve spent my entire life
doing nothing but collecting
comic books, and all that I can
say is, ‘life well spent.’ But now,
I want gift my knowledge to the
world, and the only way to do it
is through these annoying kids.
Worst. Job. Ever,” said Albertson.
It is likely that Albertson
will receive the job despite his
negative attitude due to his
extensive knowledge in the field
of comic books and fame as a TV
personality. To find out how to
apply for the course early, students
should schedule an appointment
with their counselors as soon as
possible.
Harley Emery | Dum Blonde
If you donated blood during
the Lane Blood Center’s blood
drive at Thurston in February,
you may want to visit your
doctor as soon as possible.
On the morning of March 2nd,
2014, administrators were
contacted by the blood drive
organizers with news of a
mishap from the drive.
Apparently, a portion of
the needles used to draw blood
had been contaminated with a
disease known as “plumeria”.
This disease is assumed to
have come from the factory
where the needles were made,
which is currently under
investigation by the United
States Department of Health.
Carriers of this illness
experience symptoms two
weeks to three months past
the date of infection, and the
disease is known for having
flu-like symptoms, as well
as bradykinesia (slowness of
movement) and borborygmi
(rumbling in the stomach).
This discovery may come
as a shock to students who
participated in the blood
drive; however there is no
need to panic. Statistics
show that 93% of plumeria
patients survive the disease,
and 87% recover without
complications. Consult your
physician as soon as possible,
because the quicker the disease
is identified and treated, the
more likely you are to make a
full recovery.
When speaking with school
administrators,
plumeria
expert Dr. Greg Hosell said,
“The students who are infected
will be fine, as long as they
refrain from using narcotics
and see their physicians
immediately.”
Carriers of the disease who
use drugs are 74% more likely to
experience harsher symptoms,
and have a higher chance of
contracting other illnesses in
addition to plumeria. Because
of their already weakened
immune systems, drug users
are far more likely to catch
communicable diseases.
In a recent interview,
infectious disease specialist
Dr. Drekard Shepp said,
“Luckily, plumeria is a
transfusion
transmitted
infection, which means that
it can only be spread through
the blood stream. Quarantine
is not necessary, and it is
perfectly safe to be around
other people.”
Even though there may
have been a mistake with
the recent blood drive, it is
important to remember that
accidents do happen. Events
like this are extremely rare,
and it is crucial to not let fear
stop us from helping others in
the future.
College Board Upgrades the SAT
Zach Farr | Son-of-Odin
The College Board has
announced that it will be
restructuring the SAT to
align with modern societal
expectations. This restructure
will come in the form of two
additional test sections, and
the removal of the critical
reading assessment.
Originally,
the
SAT
was used to determine the
intelligence level of students
in order for colleges to see
whether or not students will be
a good match for their schools.
In recent years, Universities
have become more focused on
recruiting students who will
function well in society after
graduation, and the College
Board followed suit, gearing
the SAT toward testing the
chance of success students
will experience in their adult
lives. The two new assessment
sections that are going to be
used to determine the chance
students have in life are Pop
Culture
Knowledge,
and
Physical Fitness.
“The
average American
spends over 5 hours
watching TV, so why not
test students on what they
pick up?”
-James Rutt
According to the College
Board, a person must have
Tell Us What You Think
Contact us at: publications@gmail.com
thurstonpublications@yahoo.com
The Pony Express aims to inform the THS student body of the newsworthy
events, people, and ideas around campus that simply aren’t covered anywhere
else.
We encourage you to join our endeavor by submitting a letter to our editors.
Letters may be turned into Room 140, and must be signed. Limit 250 words.
extensive knowledge on pop
culture, in order to succeed.
Starting next year, students will
be tested over their knowledge
on movie quotes and titles,
music artists and songs, and
television commercials. This
new section was proposed by
College Board researcher Dr.
James Rutt.
“Think of a time when you
were having a conversation
with a friend, coworker, or
superior, and they made a
pop culture reference you did
not know,” said Rutt. “Now
you must understand that
this awkward moment was
damaging to the relationship.
Having students assessed on
their knowledge of pop culture
Godfather
Joseph Roberson
Overlords
Madison Wilson
Zachary Farr
will prevent more situations
like this from occurring in the
future. The average American
spends over 5 hours watching
TV, so why not test students
on what they pick up?”
In the next section,
students will be tested on their
level of physical fitness. This
new SAT section will be aligned
with the new physical fitness
graduation
requirements
being implemented next year,
so it will not be as much of a
challenge for students.
The last change being
made to the SAT for upcoming
years is the elimination of the
reading section of the test.
The College Board determined
that literacy was no longer
Lieutenants
Katie Lively
Coner Jensen
Alex Youngbauer
necessary in a time of audiovisual media. The elimination
of the section is being seen
as a positive to students and
teachers alike.
“I’m glad to see it go,”
said Literature teacher and
newspaper
advisor
Joe
Roberson. “Nobody reads
anymore, and now I can just
play books on tape, watch
movies, and relax.”
This new and improves
SAT will be implemented
for the 2014-2015 school
year. To see the details of
the physical fitness section,
see XXXXXX on page 4. For
more information, visit SAT.
CollegeBoard.org.
Made Man
Andrew Kronser
I use this to take up space.
Foot Soldiers
Harley Emery
Jesse Cope
Jess Harper
Sam Westerfield
Cody Mitts
Ryan Carr
Angel Primrose
Teddi Trotter
3
{CURRENT EVENTS}
Mr. THS Proved to be a Scandal
Ryan Carr | Not a Hipster
Mr. THS has appeared to
be an honorable charity for
years. Funds are supposed
to go to Children’s Miracle
Network, but there have
been recent allegations that
it is going someplace else.
A recent anonymous source
has provided proof that Mr.
THS funds are actually going
to KONY 2014, which has
recently surfaced.
“I signed up for Mr.
THS in order to save
babies, not send them to
war!”
- Zach Farr
Many people will recognize
KONY from the KONY
2012 campaign, and will
also remember the way the
movement was stifled when
it was revealed how little of
the money when to stopping
the South African war lord,
and how little of a threat he
actually posed.
The organization behind
the KONY 2012 movement
appear to be running their
2014 campaign by admitting
that Kony did not pose a
threat in 2012 but claiming
that he does indeed pose a
Lost School Bus Found After 37
Years
Zach Farr | Son-of-Odin
37 years after going missing during a field trip, a
Springfield School District bus
was discovered in the woods
along the border of Washington state and Canada.
On February 7th, 1977, a
group of students from Thurston High School went on a
field trip to a local pond to
study the biodiversity in the
area. While the students and
their advisor were in the pond,
the bus driver, Thomas Howell
left the bus unattended.
“Hey man, the kids and
their teacher were like 17 feet
away, man. I figured that, like,
I could step out for a few minutes and no one would notice
man,” said Howell, now 57.
The group was forced to
walk back to Thurston due to
the lack of a bus, and Howell
lost his job. After a week of
searching, the district gave up
the bus as lost and moved on.
The bus was recently discovered by a resident of Washington strolling through the
woods. Rick Williams found
the bus while playing fetch
with his dog.
“I was just taking Carl for a
walk, and decided to play fetch
with him,” said Williams. “So
I grabbed a stick and chucked
it off into the woods. I heard
a metal clang when it landed
and decided to check it out.
Turned out to be a school bus.”
Williams then contacted
the authorities about his find,
and the bus was hauled out of
the ground. Inside, authorities
found 500,000 dollars in cash
and the skeletal remains of a
man. After a brief investigation, it was discovered that the
remains were those of Jonathan Heally.
in 1977, Heally was wanted for bank robbery across the
state of Oregon. Heally robbed
five banks from Springfield to
Portland. His truck was found
two miles away from where
the bus was stolen, and authorities assume he stole the
bus in an attempt to escape to
Canada with the money. After
the case was closed, the bus
was returned to the Springfield School District.
“I’m glad the bus is back,
man. me and that school bus
had some good times together. I remember this one time...
wait no that was different
time,” said Howell, who was
excited to see his old bus return.
The bus is currently parked
at the Sprinfield Public Schools
offices, and can be visited by
anyone who is interested in
seeing this piece of history.
threat now. Somebody in the
Mr. THS chain of command
must believe the Kony frauds
and has been funneling the
funds to them.The anonymous
source provided proof in the
form of photocopied bank
statements that showed the
funds are being used to buy
thousands of rubber bracelets
and KONY brand voodoo dolls
of Kony.
None of the contestants
we interviewed admitted to
knowing of the scandal. Most
were shocked and renounced
the buckets around their necks.
Senior Zach Farr was one of
the first Mr. THS contestants
to give up the fundraising.
“This is an outrage!”
exclaimed Farr. “I signed up
for Mr. THS in order to save
babies, not send them to war!
I’m out of the contest.”
Administration is making
no plans to stop the fundraiser,
which leads some theorists to
believe that the entire staff is
in on the ruse.
Most students said they
were not planning on stopping
their donating due to disbelief
of the scandal.
New Tardy Policy
Includes Zombies
Sam Westerfield | Señor Swag
Any student at Thurston
High struggles with certain
nuisances. Locked gates and
messy bathrooms are only the
surface of a larger issue. Lakes
in the parking lot and a new
tardy system barely scrape the
core. The class of 2014 is facing
the challenge of needing more
credits to graduate than the
previous senior class. Questions need to be
asked and answers need to
be located. It’s actually quite
simple what is going on here.
Thurston High School is alive
with an un-alive problem.
That’s right.
Zombies are
Thurston’s students of the
night, who have no regard for
their fellow students of the
daylight.
They come in to our
educational institution for
their nighttime classes such
as Anatomy and Physiology,
Eating 101, and Spanish. But
when they leave, they lock our
gates to keep the sun out and
clog our parking lot drains
with yet another decapitated
teacher. Be careful roaming
the hallways during the
morning for our dead colts may
be finishing their studies. Our
new tardy system is a result of
zombie night classes running
early into the morning, and
our administration wanting
our students in the hallways as
little as possible.
We must gain respect for
the dead to get that same
respect. The Class of 2014
is being help to such a high
graduation standard simply to
compete with the dead minds
of the night. These problems
we as day students face every
day are due to the immoral
segregation of the living and
the dead.
There is no reason for
us as living Colts to fear our
dead classmates. We must
understand many students pull
a double school day and attend
both night and day classes at
THS. So next time you see a
boy or girl sleeping during first
period, realize they just got
done with a night of classes.
Colts don’t eat Colts. We as
Colts must band together and
accept our zombie classmates
into our day classes. If this
can be done, there is certainly
hope for dry parking lots and a
kind tardy system.
4
{ ATHLETICS }
Wanna Graduate? Gotta Get Swole!
Alex Youngbauer | ‘Murican
Graduation
requirements just got that
much tougher.
Due to the rapidlyincreasing rate of obesity in
American adults, the state
of Oregon has approved
and passed laws mandating
health and fitness standards
that must be met by all
graduating students,
starting with the 2014
class. This may be a bit of
a shock for those kids who
choose to spend their free
time blasting zombies on
their parent-financed Xbox
One or sending Snapchats
to all their besties. These
new regulations will force
kids to start living a bit of
a healthier lifestyle and
actually be physically active.
“You mean I actually
have to try to do pullups?”
- Jumbo Jim Johnson
Male students must keep
their body fat percentage
below 15%, be able to
complete 10 pull-ups, and
run two miles in under
sixteen minutes. Females
must maintain a body fat
percentage of 20% or lower,
complete three pull-ups,
and finish a two mile course
under eighteen minutes.
This new graduation
requirement was a
necessary move as obesity
rates in the United States
are skyrocketing. In
1962, the U.S. held a 13%
obesity rate. Due to a lack
of activity and caring for
the health of oneself, this
number reached 35.7% in
2010, and continues to rise
today. Oregon state officials
believe that starting the
good habit of exercise and
physical fitness earlier in a
person’s life will promote
a healthier adult, starting
Secret Swimming Pool Revealed
Jess Harper | Penguin Herder
At the end of the day, when
the students are gone, most of
the teachers have left, no sports
are scheduled, and the gates are
locked, what else could one do
at Thurston High School? What
about a pool party in the gym?
A source has given information
of the secret underground pool
below the main gym floor and
has witnessed the custodians
and a few staff members
attending pool parties after
hours.
It has been reported that
the staff members have been
hosting belly flop contests,
during these parties, with a
rate from zero to ten. Other
contests include who can hold
their breath the longest, the
highest cannon bomb splash,
and various races. While the
students are at home studying
for tests, the teachers are
swimming in Thurston’s secret
waterpark.
No information has been
reported, yet, of how this
technology was distributed
or when it was put into the
school. The witness did state
that a certain key was inputted
into the lock box that raises the
basketball hoops, but instead of
raising the backboards, it raised
the gym floor off of the full sized
swimming pool.
If this knowledge is accurate,
the swim team will no longer
have to walk across the street
to the water facility, the school
could start a water polo team,
and for a fundraiser, the school
could open for a community
pool over the summers. Since
the staff has been hiding this
unique fact about the school,
they are depriving us of unique
opportunities.
When staff members were
questioned for such activity,
they denied that anything like
this could be possible, though
the unquestionable scent of
chlorine was noticed on most
of the faculty members. Also,
another source came forward
with information of over
hearing a custodian talking to
a teacher about the next pool
party. When the teacher asked
where this party would be held,
the custodian answered with,
“your work place.”
Even though these sources
asked to remain unidentified,
and both have the common
trait of receiving low GPAs, an
investigation must begin in
order to know the facts of this
possible secret the school insists
on keeping from the students.
Ryan Carr | Not a Hipster
Inspired by the US’s recent
gold medal in Cardboard Tube
Fighting at the 2014 Sochi
Winter Olympics, a band of
Thurston students have formed
Thurston’s very own Cardboard
Tube Fighting Club.
For those of you who are
unaware, the explosively popular
new sport is played in teams of
two. The goal is to destroy the
opponent’s cardboard tube with
your own; the team with the last
remaining intact tube wins. In
the case of a tie both teams are
considered losers and complete
failures.
This was the first year
the sport was featured in the
Olympics. It was included in
the winter Olympics rather than
the summer Olympics because
Olympic organizers were worried
that the winter Olympics “...were
just 40 forms of sliding.”
Only four countries sent
teams in the event. The US took
gold, Russia took silver, Jamaica
took bronze, and North Korea
went home medaless.
Inspired by the US’s
accomplishment,
Thurston
students
and
Cardboard
Tube Fighting Club captains,
sophomore Michael Clark and
senior Paul Medeiros started the
club along with 10 other students.
Clark said, “It’s not just about
the fun. Elite militias of cardboard
tube wielding ninjas have altered
the course of some of the biggest
battles throughout history. We
hope this club will hone our skills
and bring back this majestic form
of battle.”
Medeiros had a different
attitude toward the sport. “I saw
it in the Olympics and thought I
would love to beat people up with
a cardboard tube, and I was right,
I love it,” he said.
Clark had a more personal
reason for starting the club. “My
great grandfather was in Tube
Team 6, the elite special ops force
that assassinated Hitler in WWII.
The club had a difficult
time getting administration to
approve them. The sport is rife
with a type of cheating where a
competitor will hide a bamboo
shoot in their tube. For this
reason administrators had safety
concerns.
About the cheating concerns,
Clark said “We promised the
administrators that we are all
better than that. We take pride
in the sport. I can’t say the same
about the Springfield team
though.”
The club had their first
meet against Springfield High’s
club last week. Two Springfield
competitors were caught with
bamboo shoots but still lost
highlighting the extreme skill
that the Thurston team already
possesses.
The club is still accepting new
recruits. If you’re interested they
meet in the courtyard, Fridays at
lunch.
May The Cardboard Wars Begin
from the moment one
graduates from high school.
While most adults
approve of the new
bylaws (despite their own
potbellies), some students
aren’t so chipper upon
hearing this news.
“This kinda sucks a lot.
You mean I actually have
to try to do pull-ups? But I
don’t like pull-ups,” senior
Jumbo Jim Johnson, and
avid potato chip-eater,
complained.
Other students, however,
look forward to showing
their athletic ability and
prowess.
“Bro, like, dude, I mean,
like, I’m swole, and other
people need to get swole,
and, like, hashtag team
get big, dude!” said super
senior Chad McSwag,
“Everyone just needs to stay
swagalicious, bro!”
Whether you are ecstatic
or tormented by this news,
you need to get your body
in shape so you can look
nice and trim in your cap
and gown. Let’s get moving,
Colts!
Schulz to be
Lottery Pick
Alex Youngbauer | ‘Murican
You may have seen him
strolling down the hallways
or draining threes in the gym,
but few people really know
Spencer Schulz. A student here at
Thurston, Schulz may seem like
the average Joe, but he is much
more than that. After playing football through
his junior year, Spencer had a
tough decision to make: risk
injury and play his senior year,
or ensure his safe passage to a
spot in the pros by sitting the
season out. Generally, studentathletes must wait until they have
completed two years of college to
become eligible for the NFL Draft,
but Schulz is a special case. NFL commissioner Roger
Goodell said, “Mr. Schulz is a
once-in-a-lifetime talent. We have
decided to waive the age limit
rule in his case in order to help
Mr. Schulz pursue his dreams,
and the NFL to become a better
league.”
Schulz feels he made the right
choice, and is a likely lottery pick
in this May’s 2014 NFL Draft. “It wasn’t fun to just train and not
get to play in any games, but the
millions will be fun to swim in,”
Schulz said. Schulz said, “My position is
every position. I’ll play wherever
the coach puts me, and I’ll play
there at an All-Star level.”
Schulz waits now only to
hopefully be a lottery pick in the
upcoming draft, and begin his
professional career. Perhaps a
future star to keep an eye on.
7
{ ENTERTAINMENT }
The Breakfast Club Remake
Madison Wilson | The
“Lesser” Editor
“Saturday...March
24,
2015. Thurston High School,
Springfield, Oregon. Dear
Mr. Vernon....we accept the
fact that we had to sacrifice a
whole Saturday in detention
for whatever it was that we did
wrong, what we did was wrong.
But we think you’re crazy to
make us write this essay telling
you who we think we are, what
do you care? You see us as
you want to see us...in the
simplest terms and the most
convenient definitions. You
see us as a brain, an athlete, a
basket case, a princess and a
criminal. Correct? That’s the
way we saw each other at seven
o’clock this morning. We were
brainwashed…” These are the
famous opening lines that will
begin the remake of the classic
‘80s movie The Breakfast
Club.
This coming-of-age drama
is about five students sentenced
to detention together that
represent different high school
stereotypes. Throughout the
movie, they prove to be more
than just a stereotype and
eventually become friends.
This beloved movie is going
to be remade at Thurston.
With the cast having
already been selected, filming
for the movie will commence
this summer. All of the cast
members for the film are
students or teachers from
Thurston.
“I felt that Thurston was
a prime location for selecting
and filming this movie because
of the ever-present stereotypes
at Thurston,” said the director,
“also, Thurston has red lockers
just like Shermer High School
from the original movie. What
more similarities do you
need?”
Each student in The
Breakfast Club is, of course,
based on a stereotype even
though each character proves
that they are more than that.
As listed in the opening lines,
the stereotypes are a brain (or
nerd, geek etc.), an athlete, a
basket case, a princess and a
criminal.
“We chose each student
based on how closely they fit
the character’s stereotype.
Claire was by far the best
match,”
continued
the
director.
There was a rigorous
audition
session
before
students were selected. The
students who were eventually
chosen were Andrew Kronser
as Brian Johnson; Maverick
Wiseman as Andrew Clark,
Katie Haney as Allison
Reynolds, Matt Selby as Claire
Standish; and Zach Farr as
John Bender.
“I only go to class like
half the time,” said senior
Zach Farr, who will portray
the rebellious John Bender,
“Yeah, sometimes I don’t do
my homework right away; I’m
a total rebel. One time I even
got a B on a test. Take that
society.”
Maverick Wiseman was
also type-cast for his role as
Andrew Clark, as well as being
chosen because he’s a wrestler,
as Clark is in the movie.
“Andrew is in detention
in the movie for beating a
kid up. I beat kids up all the
time. Sometimes I don’t even
hold the door open for other
people,” Wiseman said, “I’m
also the best wrestler that’s
ever lived.”
Students not involved in
the film also agree that the cast
is well-selected.
“Katie
wants
to
go
swimming in the winter,
Unrelated Pie Chart!
that’s pretty crazy” said senior
Jess Harper, a friend of Katie
Haney who was chosen to
be Allison Reynolds, or the
“Basket-Case”.
Senior Jessica Linster
also agrees with the selection,
specifically of Matt Selby.
“Matt will be perfect as Claire.
He’s such a princess.”
A few members don’t
fully agree with the casting,
although they are excited.
“I feel like it’s kind of a
type-cast,” said senior Andrew
Kronser, who’s portraying
Brian Johnson, “the Brain”,
“But I have named all three
of my calculators: Archibald,
Stacy and Goliath.”
Whether the cast members
agree or disagree, from the
rebel to the nerd, all members
chosen for the cast are fitting.
The movie is set to premiere
next summer on July 7, 2015.
no
Kevin Hagel | Comic Relief
Well, it’s official. Nintendo has completely run out of
ideas.Their newest release
features disjointed gameplay,
an unrealistic protagonist
and terrible graphics. I am, of
course, referring to Super Mario Bros. for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
The gameplay follows the
adventures of “Mario”, whose
only purpose for existence
is saving a princess from
some undefined castle or the
hundreds of castles spread
around the world. You journey
through grassy hills, snowy
plains and the scorching desert in search of this mysterious
princess, but instead you only
find strange mushroom people
in chests. The storyline doesn’t
make much sense, and Mario’s
abilities are often misleading,
as he can swim indefinitely
underwater but cannot survive
running into a turtle.
More concerning to me
is the game’s underlying focus on drug use and violence.
Move over, Grand Theft Auto,
you ain’t got nothing on Mario. Most of the powers that
you use in the game appear
to be hallucinations brought
on munching down shrooms,
chewing on strange red flower petals and popping starshaped pills. Furthermore,
the only ways Mario seems to
solve problems is by violence,
either by stomping on the in-
nocent looking creatures of
the land or immolating the
mercilessly in fire. Is another
game that focuses our impressionable youth towards a life
of crime really what we want
to be putting into their brains?
Since I bought this game
for the sole purpose of complaining about it on chat
boards, I can confidently call
myself an expert on all things
Nintendo. I honestly don’t
know what they were thinking with this new game. I can’t
think of any people that would
enjoy the game in a non-ironic
fashion, and it honestly has no
redeeming qualities. Now, if
you’ll excuse me, I have to go
back to playing Call of Duty:
Modern Ghost Black Ops IV.
6
{ FEATURES }
Obituaries
Over Budget and Out for Blood
Carl Alexander Collier
Carl Alexander Collier, 17, died March
7th. He was born August 14th, 1997 in Eugene
Oregon. Collier was a junior at Thurston
High School. Prior to Thurston he attended
Thurston Middle School and Ridgeview
Elementary.
Collier was on the cross country team and
played lacrosse. He lettered in high jump and
his club lacrosse team rode on his shoulders.
Here at Thurston he loved the social studies
and took many of the department’s classes.
Collier spent much of his free time
volunteering at Greenhill Animal Shelter.
Animals were his passion and he wanted to
go to veterinary college and open his own
clinic. He was awarded the Oregon’s Young
Vet award 2012.
Among his peers, Collier was considered
to be a saint. He was being considered for
the Nobel peace prize in 2015. His teachers
also had a high opinion of Collier. Collier was
taking 27 different Advanced Placement and
College now classes in one semester.
His heavy class load led to his untimely
demise. Collier was found under a pile of text
books and assignments. There were multiple
causes of death: asphyxiation, paper cuts, and
extremely high levels of stress.
He is survived by his parents, his sister
Linda Collier, 10, and his girlfriend Isabel
Cortina, and his beloved feline Margret.
Ragnar Axelsson
Thurston High School teacher and devout
metal head, Ragnar Axelsson unfortunately
passed away on, of all dates, November
11, International Metal Day. He was not
well known on campus, as he never left his
classroom. He would just sit in his room all
day and night listening to metal, the only
sustenance he needed. Mr. Axelsson’s tragic
death occurred on a vacation to visit his
parents in the wilderness of Sweden. He was on
a snowmobile crossing the hundreds of square
miles of barren snowy plains between urban
Sweden and his parents’ remote wilderness
mansion. His snowmobile broke down, just as
an angry bear spotted him in the distance. The
rest need not be told.
At THS, Mr. Axelsson taught Death Metal
History, Djent Ed, and Mosh Pit Etiquette. His
classes were not available in the forecasting
forms filled out each year, as only the most
metal kids were handpicked by him, then put
through a rigorous audition process.
Axelsson’s band, Vlede Björnar, tours
the world during the summer, playing giant
warehouse shows with questionable substances
and rituals. Despite his outrageous, obsessive
dedication to metal, he never practiced his
skills off-stage, which caused their live show
to suck a bit.
Mr. Axelsson had about 100 cats in his
home, and a gigantic teddy bear collection. He
had over one thousand teddy bears of different
shapes and sizes, spread about his house.
Annashea Wright | Double Agent
Literature department head, Joseph Roberson, is out for Patrick Kohl’s blood in order to get the lit department back on budget
Annashea Wright | Double Agent
Literature
teacher
Joseph
Roberson stares at a small yellow
sticky note, the number 4000
scrawled neatly across the middle.
A single tear slides down his cheek
and on to the note, dampening the
paper. He realizes that the literature
department is now thousands of
dollars over budget which means one
thing: administration is out for his
blood.
With a yearly copy budget of
just 2500 dollars, the literature
department is struggling to keep
their spending down. However, their
efforts have been in vain, for they are
already at 4200 dollars and it is only
April. As a result, the administration
is now forcing Roberson to donate
large amounts his blood every
Wednesday afternoon. Why? So
Jared Taylor can sell the plasma in
his blood for 200 dollars a vial.
“It’s very practical,” Taylor says,
“not only do we receive money that
makes up for the lapse in the copy
budget, but we also get to punish the
head of the literature department.”
Overall, there are mixed feelings
about this system. Of course the
administration approves of the
new method of making money, but
Roberson does not approve.
“I think it’s a little excessive,
because we are only over by 2000
dollars,” Roberson said. “However,
my position as department head
means that it is my duty to make sure
we stay on budget.”
Currently Taylor has only forced
Roberson to give blood six times.
Senior Patrick Kohl is in
Roberson’s Advanced Placement
Literature class and frequently sees
the repercussions of the blood loss.
“His blood sugar gets super low
the morning after he gives blood,”
Kohl said. “He likes to chase me
around with a kangaroo claw trying
to steal my goldfish crackers while
screaming ‘precious.’”
Needless to say Kohl does not
think the new way to fund the
literature budget is the best option.
Chris Mudder: Extreme Recluse
Cody Mitts | Morale Specialist
Zach Farr | Son of Odin
ASB President Chris
Mudder is a mysterious
figure to most of the
students
at
Thurston
High School. Rarely seen
around others, Mudder
is quiet and reserved,
only communicating with
others when absolutely
necessary.
Unknown to most,
the day of his eighteenth
birthday, Mudder began
his career as a mixed
martial artist, competing
in any local tournaments
he has the chance to.
Mudderhas gained renown
in the world of MMA as a
striking specialist.
“There’s nothing like
the rush you get when
you knock someone out,”
explained Mudder.
Despite the interest
Western
Oregon
University has in him,
Mudder has abandoned his
previous goal of attending
a university in favor of his
marital arts career. Mudder
does not plan on ending
his education after high
school, however, and he is
planning to attend beauty
school while climbing
through the ranks.
Mudder said, “I felt
like I needed to find a fall
back in case I get injured
and can’t fight anymore.
I’ve always had a passion
for making people look
beautiful, so beauty school
looked like the best option
to me.”
“He can knock your
lights out and then do your
hair up real pretty before
you even wake up,” said
senior Cody Mitts.
Before the end of the
year, Mudder hopes to
establish a legacy for the
school. Mudder hopes
to find a freshman that
he can teach the art of
being a wallflower, along
with skills in fighting and
beauty.
{ FEATURES }
7
Student Stays on Campus, Works Hard
Katie Lively | Chlorine Queen
Athletes set and break
records in sports all the time,
but THS recently saw student
Kameron Lightheart create a
monumental moment in the
school’s academic history.
On
March
6,
2014,
Lightheart, a senior, became
the first student in the school’s
54-year history to stay on
campus and show a significant
level of effort for a whole
school day.
“I
was
really
busy
attempting
to
discipline
students for not attending
class, but it suddenly occurred
to me that I had not yet seen
Kameron that day,” said
campus monitor Earl Grey.
“He is one of a very high
percentage of students
who frequently tries to
skip with varying degrees
of success—but he and I
have almost turned it into
a cat-and-mouse game of
sorts. So it really stood out
to me that he never left
campus.”
Grey was not alone in
his sentiments. Intro to
Painting by Numbers teacher
Susan Harte-Grinder, whose
Keelea Shafer | Photographer
Senior Kameron Lightheart is captured here in a rare moment in which he is putting effort into his schoolwork.
she watched Lightheart’s
abnormal
behavior
throughout the 90 minutes
he was in her class.
“I felt quite certain
that this was a hoax,”
said Harte-Grinder. “The
young man continued to
work diligently all period
long without complaint.
He displayed superb effort
not shown by any other
student as he painted
nine different sections and
followed the instructions in
“It was like a nohitter...you couldn’t
talk about it while
it was happening for
fear of jinxing it.”
-Campus Monitor Earl Grey
class Lightheart frequently
fails to attend, was stunned as
the process.”
According
to
Grey,
Lightheart did display an
unprecedented level of effort—
for him and for any other
student—as he even went to
the library during his open
study period at the end of the
day to work on homework.
“I was holding my breath for
the last hour or so, wondering,
could it really happen?” Grey
said. “It was like a no-hitter
in baseball. You couldn’t talk
about it while it was happening
for fear of jinxing it.”
Every staff member polled
felt that seeing a student stay
on campus and exhibit effort
for an entire day was a step
in the right direction for the
school.
“This is bound to get us in
the papers,” said Grey, “and
the publicity will be really
cool.”
Lightheart was skipping
class at the time this story
was written and could not be
reached for comment.
Preschool 101:
Foreign Exchange Student Leaves
Where a Thurston
Unique Impression on THS
first and watch him master it
easily.”
A part of the constellations
club, rugby team, renaissance
reenactment club, and even
the body builders club, it’s a
wonder he has any free time
at all! However, having all
these extracurricular activities
preschoolers and even sewing
many blankets, hats, and other
items to sell to raise money for
Liam Elliott, an exchange
families with someone that
student from the newly
suffers from Couch Potato
discovered country Kodecca,
Disease, causing them to be
has officially climbed the
unable to do anything that
ranks of the publications
requires actual effort.
ladder straight to the top. After
Adding to his long list of
being named Publications
accomplishments,
student of the week for
Elliott is also in the
three weeks in a row,
process of publishing
Elliott is now head of
his very own book all
Newspaper.
about Kodecca cuisine
Elliott has lived in
and how to prepare it,
Kodecca all his life in a
including their most
small town in Mannica
famous dish, Kopis.
called Sicion.
Kopis
consists
of
“It’s a beautiful
dolphin
meat
seasoned
place on the West Coast
with garlic and snails
of Kodecca with a large
scattered on top. Fried
diversity of plants and
parrot legs with lizard
animals giving it a
tongue
seasoning
dreamlike quality,” says
is
typically
the side
Elliott.
dish
chosen
for this
Coming from a very
particular
meal.
encouraging
family,
Although some of
Elliott jumped at the
his
interests may be
chance to experience
a
bit
different than
a new place and ever
most,
from
his varied
since he showed up a Exchange student Liam Elliott participates in the Renaissance
participation
to his
month ago he has been
Reenactment Club at THS.
unusual
cuisine,
I
shocking
everyone
think
it’s
safe
to
say
with his many different
doesn’t stop him from keeping that this exchange student is
talents.
“He
just
excels
at his 4.0 GPA and perfect going to be leaving quite an
everything,” his foster mother attendance. Not to mention impression on Thurston when
Nina Rodriguez boasts. “It’s so the volunteering he does, he leaves.
amazing to see him find a new blood donations every month,
interest and jump into it head reading horror stories to
Angel Primrose | Sass Master
Kid Can Be a Kid
Teddi Trotter | Sass Princess
Tired of not being able to
have snack time? Tired of not
being able to draw between
the lines? Tired of being tired?
Well you’re in luck, Thurston
High School is now offering
a class just for that! You’ll be
able to take naps, learn how to
draw between the lines, and
get to have snack time.
Many faculty members
have called this “Pre-School
101,” which is a class just like
pre-school.
It’ll be starting next year
for the new school year, and
it’s offered to any students. It
counts as half of an elective
credit, and it’s for a whole
semester.
This class seems to be very
stress free for students.
“No
homework,
no
assignments, and get to take
naps? Sounds like a class that
I definitely want to take,” said
sophomore Abigail Smith.
This new and exciting class
has not only just taken a wide
spread around the school, but
it’s also been spread around
the halls of Thurston Middle
School, as well.
“I’ve
never
really
remembered all my memories
in pre-school, so it’ll be nice to
finally remember it, and take a
lot of stress off my shoulders,”
said Liam Elliott, an eighth
grader at TMS who will be
coming to THS next year.
Also, I would like to include
that THS isn’t the only school
that is now offering a preschool class; now Springfield
High School and Sheldon
High School are thinking
about offering the class too.
They see it would be a better,
more appropriate class to be
in, rather than kids wandering
through the halls, or going off
campus.
“Oh yes, I’ve heard about
the new class that’s being
offered at Thurston High
School. I think it’s a rather
great class to have, because
it’s better than kids going off
campus to do other things
that aren’t that responsible,”
said Jared Stewart, a literature
teacher at Sheldon.
Furthermore, this class
is stress free, where you get
to eat snacks, learn how to
draw between the lines, and
even take naps. This is a great
opportunity to go back in time
and re-live your glory days in
the pre-school age.
{Commentary}
But I Wanted a Pony...
Zach Farr | Son-of-Odin
Remember when you had
a class pet? A mascot for your
class that brought you joy in
times of hardship. In high
school, a time of nothing but
harship, class pets are needed
more than ever.
Students need an animal
that they can deepend on
to keep them happy during
class, but as the studetns have
matured, their expectations
have risen. Hampsters, mice
and fish will no longer suffice.
Sophomore Josh Leteulehopes for over-the-top class
pets.
“I think that we need way
cooler animals now that we’re
so much cooler. We need class
pets that have as much swag
as we do. Like, I want to have
a class with a freaking giraffe.
Giraffes have major swag,”
said Leteule.
There are no negatives
when looking into adopting
exotic animals as class pets.
Of course, we’ll have to cut
A Classier Thurston,
A Better Thurston
Jess Harper | Reporter
The recession hit every
family hard, but the economy
is finally turning up. Now that
people are getting jobs, and
parents don’t have to struggle
as much, let’s use this upturn
as an opportunity to improve
our school that we all know
and love. Here are some tips
to take Thurston High School
from average to worthy of
royalty.
Just getting to school is
hard enough from traffic, to
the long carpool line, and to
the rushed noisy people, so
let’s make the journey easier on
the students and parents. Hire
ushers to open the doors for
students and help the athletes
with their bags. Replace
those school buses with
limos to make the ride more
entertaining. The fancy rides
will create jealousy in those
non-Thurston kids. For the
hard working seniors, a great
reward would be to valet their
parking. Studies show that
parking cars and walking into
the school takes, on average,
five minutes longer than when
a student is dropped off at
the front entrance. Fast valet
means more students studying
and graduating.
Most students spend all
night studying for that big
test, so give the opportunity
for students to relax their tired
bodies and minds. At the front
entrance, free massage chairs
should be offered in order to
give students relaxation.
The concrete floors are
hard on bones, but with
water repellent memory foam
hallway floors, students will be
less one edge and more willing
to learn without the aches and
pains of walking from class to
class.
It has been reported that
more students are seeing
treatment for back pain,
and the doctors believe that
hard, uncomfortable chairs
are to be the cause. How can
teachers expect students to
pay attention when they are
forced to sit in desks that
shoot pain up to their spins?
Here’s a cure: cushioned
chairs. Not ripped up pillows
ducked taped to the chairs, but
the best and most soft of chairs
as seen in waiting rooms. Now
students can learn quadratic
equations with ease.
In the middle of the day,
students are famished for
desirable lunches. But why
should students be herded
like cattle to their own food?
The food should come to us
with waiters and waitresses,
serving only the finest cuisine
for hungry kids. After a meal
like that, students will be ready
to take on the rest of the day.
After a long day of stressful
classes, what better way to let
off some steam than in a steam
room. With Thurston High
School’s Student Spa, anyone
can wind down in heat rooms,
hot tubs, and steam rooms.
Also, for the hard working
teachers, the Staff Room
should become a Spa Room for
themselves. A relaxed school is
a happy school.
With all of these changes,
students won’t wait to go to
school and take on classes.
Relations with kids and
teachers will be positive once
everyone is at peace. This town
will truly become T-Town
once the school becomes a
desired location. Now’s the
time to become the prize of
Springfield and to create a
school that students and staff
can be treated like celebrities.
funding from certain areas,
like the salaries of teachers
and sports teams. But hey,
we’re getting giraffes.
As an investment of this
magnitude will require major
funding, it has been proposed
by the student body that the
senior gift for the next five
years be taken in advance
8
to purchase the necessary
medical equipment and food
to support the animals. Also,
all electronics should be sold,
and school will needs to be
reduced to two hours a day
twice a week. But having
giraffes in class is worth less
class time and a meaningless
education, right?
I’ll Make a Headline
Later
I forgot to take
a picture...
My bad.
Ryan Carr | Not a Hipster
Procrastination is a problem the majority of students struggle
with these days. Many of us can relate to the Sponge Bob episode
where Mr. Square Pants can’t finish his essay on stop lights.
Even as I write this article about procrastination I’m struck
with the ailment.
I spent an hour on tumbler, thirty minutes on twitter, and
two hours playing Frisbee with friends. I justify this by lying to
myself that I’ll do it in class tomorrow.
-fix tomorrow; readers don’t know when tomorrow means.
-say something about how there are more fun things to do.
-im so tired
(insert quote about how procrastination from some ignorant
freshman that thinks they’re hot stuff because they’re going to be
quoted in the paper)