A Celebration of Vinny Allegrini`s (9/11/48-3/4

 A Celebration of the Life of
Vinny Allegrini
September 11, 1948 – March 4, 2015
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This document and the slideshows and videos are on
the internet at http://MarkdeSollaPrice.com/vinny
Mark de Solla Price
235 West 4 Street # 2-R
New York, NY 10014-2986
(212) 924-1845
mark@MarkdeSollaPrice.com
Donations in Vinny’s Memory may be made to:
First Unitarian Congregational Society Brooklyn
Attn: Weaving the Fabric of Diversity Committee
48 Monroe Place
Brooklyn NY 11201
VNS Hospice and Palliative Care
1250 Broadway, 7 Floor
New York NY 10001
PAWS New York
240 Kent Avenue, 3rd Floor
Brooklyn NY 11249
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Remembering Vinny Allegrini
By The POZ Staff on March 5, 2015 12:17 PM
By Jennifer Morton
(Managing Editor, POZ/AIDSmeds/Hep)
POZ is saddened by the loss of our dear friend Vinny Allegrini, who died on
March 4, 2015, at age 66. He is survived by his beloved husband of nearly 20
years, Mark de Solla Price. (Mark was a technology consultant for POZ from
1998 to 2006.)
Diagnosed with HIV in 1989, Vinny played a part in the pages of POZ history. In
our February/March 2001 issue, Mark chronicled the couple's journey for a liver
transplant in the feature "Liver Lovers." After years of living with HIV and
chronic hepatitis B, Vinny had developed cirrhosis of the liver and a transplant
seemed to be his only option. (At the time, only 13 HIV-positive people had ever
received a liver transplant.) His friend Gregory volunteered to donate part of his
liver, "Because Vinny is an amazing person.”
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Amazing indeed. Vinny had a strong soul. Although he ended up not getting the
liver transplant, the former hairdresser spent more than 25 years staving off one
health condition after another. But Vinny was the true comeback kid: He fell
down and then got up again and again and again.
Vinny was also featured in the August 2006 POZ article "Vital Signs," which
highlighted individuals who had survived the odds despite great adversity. Vinny
had this to say about his long-term survival:
"Giving up has never entered my mind. More than once, my doctors have said,
'Your chances aren't good.' Each time, I've said, 'I'm not going to let this get in
my way. One day at a time,' I say. Today was a good day. Tomorrow's another
day. I dream each day of returning to my passion of cutting hair."
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Vinny lived his life filled with passion, and his survival was an inspiration to
many. When I saw him at various events over the years, I was always amazed by
his strength. And amazed by the tales of his latest health battle.
Luckily, Vinny had another amazing person by his side: his husband, Mark. The
couple got married before gay marriage was legal, and then did it again when
they could make it official. They wrote their vows in Central Park's Strawberry
Fields. They supported each other in sickness and in health--and dealt with a
heck of a lot along the way. But their love for each other only grew stronger over
the years. Mark and Vinny shared their touching love story in our
January/February 2013 article "Heart to Heart." (See Pages 40 & 41)
This photo by Jason Boeckli, http://www.jasonboeckli.com
from a series of gay couples photographed in their homes
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But Vinny's best moment in POZ history probably had to be when he bared it all
on our May 2004 cover. For our 10th anniversary issue, POZ asked the artist
Spencer Tunick--known for his large installations of naked people--to create an
image for our cover featuring HIV-positive individuals. Vinny and Mark (along
with 78 others) gathered at Florent restaurant in the West Village on a cold,
February morning and dared to reveal it all. Not only was the moment captured
on our cover, HBO made a documentary film about the event, Positively Naked,
in which Mark and Vinny were one of the featured couples.
[Watch the 26-minute YouTube http://MarkdeSollaPrice.com/positivelynaked/ ]
And that was just one of Vinny's many adventures. He truly lived a wonderful life.
Rest in peace, Vinny. Your struggle is over.
Celebrations of the Life of Vinny Allegrini will be held on
Sunday, March 22, 2015 at 3 p.m. @ First Unitarian, 50 Monroe Place, Brooklyn
and on
Friday, September 11, 2015 at 6 pm Stonebridge Community Center,
714 Wethersfield Avenue, Berlin, Connecticut
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A Celebration of the Life of
Vinny Allegrini
September 11, 1948 – March 4, 2015
Sunday, March 22, 2015 at 3 PM
Please Join Us for a Repast
Served After the Service.
For more information, call (212) 924-1845
or visit http://MarkdeSollaPrice.com/Vinny
50 Monroe Place (at Pierrepont Street)
Brooklyn, NY 11201 www.fuub.org
Please send your best photos of Vinny
for our Celebration Slideshow:
vinny.allegrini@gmail.com
First Unitarian is one block from the Clark
Street subway station and two blocks from
Borough Hall subway station.
Vinny is survived by his husband Mark de Solla Price
235 West 4 Street # 2-R, New York, NY 10014 US (212) 924-1845
http://www.MarkdeSollaPrice.com mark@MarkdeSollaPrice.com
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A Celebration of the Life of
Vinny Allegrini
(September 11, 1948 – March 4, 2015)
Sunday, March 22, 2015
3 PM
Gathering Music
Adam Podd
Hymn: “Smile” (from Charlie Chaplin’s “Modern Times”)
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
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Welcome
Rev. Ana Levy-Lyons
Chalice Lighting
Maria Allegrini Gwillim
Reflection and Prayer
Rev. Ana Levy-Lyons
Musical Solo: “Everything Possible”
Liz Bachman
Reflection
Mark de Solla Price
Ellen Rosenthal
Lyz Gaumer for Judy Seicho Fleischman
Musical Tribute: “Beloved Comrade”
Derek Pearl (Weaving the Fabric of Diversity Committee)
Reflection
Linda de Solla Price
Jeffrey Price
Hymn: “(What a) Wonderful World”
I see trees of green, red roses, too,
I see them bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue, and clouds of white,
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,
Are also on the faces of people going by.
I see friends shaking hands, sayin', "How do you do?"
They're really sayin', "I love you."
I hear babies cryin'. I watch them grow.
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world
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Reflection
Melanie Allegrini Alvarez
Musical Solo: “I Am What I Am” (from “La Cage Aux Folles”)
Liz Bachman
Reflection
Esta Berman-Price
Hymn: "(Somewhere) Over The Rainbow" (from “The Wizard of Oz”)
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow why, oh, why can't I?
Benediction
Steve Alvarez
Invitation
Rev. Ana Levy-Lyons
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Rev. Ana Levy-Lyons
Vinny Allegrini Reflection and Prayer
Vinny Allegrini and his husband Mark had only been coming to First
Unitarian for six years but it feels, in the best possible way, like they have been
here forever. Vinny had an outsized impact on this congregation. I think it's fair
to say that we all fell in love with him. When he would walk into a room, he would
light it up with a smile that radiated honesty and openness. He made other
people smile. There was something so innocent about him, even as a grown man
-- he seemed just enchanted with life. As if wherever he found himself he was
truly delighted to be there -- like, "Oh, look, isn't this wonderful?" He had an
ineffable quality that lifted their spirits and made them feel good.
But beyond these qualities of his that he probably just couldn't help, he
also was a man of great character. He was consistently kind to people, even
when he was ill and in pain. He never took his suffering out on the world. He
didn't act angry or bitter. He had a spirit of generosity that seemed to win out
over his own discomfort every time. One congregant said, "The thing I loved
most about Vinny was his unreserved way of showing love. Even when it was
physically difficult for him to reach out for a hug or a kiss, he did it anyway. He
made a point of telling me again and again that he loved me."
And then of course, there were the haircuts. People around here credit
Vinny with giving them some of the best haircuts they ever had. Cutting hair was
an art for Vinny and something of a spiritual practice. And, amazingly, it was a
form of self-healing. He credits haircutting with bringing him back from the brink
of death when he was in hospice the first time around and given just three weeks
to live... 13 years ago. From what was thought to be his deathbed, Vinny began
cutting hair again, literally held upright by his husband Mark and a healthcare
aide. And as he cut, his spirit lifted and over the days and weeks that followed,
he cut more hair, and got stronger and stronger. He was kicked out of the
hospice program after an amazing four-and-a-third years, in his words, "for not
dying on schedule." Cutting hair was Vinny's dharma. Through it, he gave to
others and fed his own soul.
Vinny had an unquenchable zest for life that I, and people around here,
found immensely inspiring. He didn't let his illness and disabilities stop him from
living the life he wanted to. He traveled; he did what he wanted to do. He came to
services here when he could barely walk, not ashamed of his vulnerability. Many
people who were as ill as he was would have given up. But not Vinny. He lived
life on his terms. Not just for a little while, but for years.
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And of course, quite literally, none of this would have been possible
without the extraordinary, steadfast love of his husband Mark. This was not just
the kind of love you read about in romance novels or see in Hollywood movies. It
may have been that too, but Mark's love was a mature and selfless love. It was a
love that embraces the hard and unglamorous work of caring for someone day in
and day out, rain or shine, morning and night.
Mark not only attended to Vinny's every physical need over decades as he
cycled in and out of health, but he attended to his emotional comfort as well, his
sense of pride and dignity. Mark didn't want Vinny to feel that he was a burden
even when, in fact, the hard physical work of caring for him took a toll on Mark's
body as well. Mark wanted above all for Vinny to feel absolutely loved - to have
the experience of being held in a warm, nurturing embrace up to the moment of
his death.
And I am absolutely certain that Vinny did. In the last weeks of Vinny's life,
he talked to me about the love he felt, not only from his husband, but from this
community, from his friends and family. He said that he felt lifted and held and
cared for by all of you and his gratitude was beyond words. He was teary when
he talked about it.
Now may the loving spirit of life take over the embrace and welcome him
back to his source. Now may Vinny's memory bless and inspire our lives. And
now may the love that was so real for Vinny and that is so palpable here in this
room be a healing love for us all.
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“Everything Possible”
by Rev. Fred Small
We have cleared off the table, the leftovers saved,
Washed the dishes and put them away
I have told you a story and tucked you in tight
At the end of your knockabout day
As the moon sets its sails to carry you to sleep
Over the midnight sea
I will sing you a song no one sang to me
May it keep you good company.
You can be anybody you want to be,
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still
You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around,
You can choose one special one
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're gone.
There are girls who grow up strong and bold
There are boys quiet and kind
Some race on ahead, some follow behind
Some go in their own way and time
Some women love women, some men love men
Some raise children, some never do
You can dream all the day never reaching the end
Of everything possible for you.
Don't be rattled by names, by taunts, by games
But seek out spirits true
If you give your friends the best part of yourself
They will give the same back to you.
You can be anybody you want to be,
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still
You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around,
You can choose one special one
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're gone.
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Mark de Solla Price
AIDS has changed the world -- sometimes for the better. It was how I got
to know Vinny Allegrini and we got to spend 21 years, 8 months and 16 days
together.
The "People With AIDS Coalition" was started in 1983 as the first time that
patients with ANY disease became self-empowered and politically active. One of
the founders of that coalition, and the AIDS movement as well as the co-inventor
of safe sex was my late friend Michael Callen.
Michael's a cappella singing group, THE FLIRTATIONS also popularized
“Everything Possible", the amazing lullaby written by Rev. Fred Small, a
Unitarian Universalist Minister.
“If you give your friends the best part of yourself
They will give the same back to you…
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you’re gone.”
Vinny and I talked about this song often. It was part of our wedding
ceremony. Life theology, patient empowerment, political activism, sex and great
music all rolled into one.
•••
Back in the 1980 and early 90s, living with HIV and AIDS was pretty scary.
There was no effective treatment and we weren't getting support from the
government. It was like living in a wartime.
Vinny and I both choose the same path to do the healthiest things to live
with HIV and to do the least invasive treatments first. We both attended the same
monthly HIV Support group led by the New Age Spiritual Guru Marianne
Williamson. At the June meeting in 1993, we were randomly assigned as prayer
partners, and I put my right hand on Vinny's heart and he put his right hand on
mine and we looked into each other's eyes and recited some never-ending
prayer for ten minutes (or so it seemed to me at the time). Doing any prayer is
kind of funny considering how militantly atheist I am.
At the end of the meeting, I went up to Marianne to bug her about finally
getting around to writing the introduction to my book "Living Positively in a
World with HIV/AIDS" that she had promised. Half an hour later, I exited the
building and saw Vinny on the sidewalk. I asked him what he was still doing
there and he said “Waiting for you.” We went to a Caffe Rafaella, that used to be
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on Seventh Avenue at Tenth Street and talked for two hours. We then went back
to my apartment at 27 West 96 Street and had the worst sex ever.
A few weeks later, I had a regular business gig teaching for ITT Hartford
and instead of staying at the usual cheap hotel, I called Vinny and spent the
weekend at his apartment in Hartford opposite Union Station. We had a magical
weekend, and that started many years of commuting between Greenwich Village
and West Hartford for both of us.
We were in love and we held hands walking down the street -- even on the
Eastside. Back then, a gay couple holding hands outside of the Village or
Chelsea was shocking to many. Doing so was part love and part social activism –
as my mother said “people’s comfort zones need to be expanded.” Reluctantly,
Vinny became a gay, same-sex marriage and HIV/AIDS activists.
The next winter, I introduced Vinny to Miami’s Art Deco Gay Mecca “South
Beach.” Traveling with HIV as a Gay person wasn’t easy, we needed to draft
medical power of attorney, financial power of attorney, Wills and back then
Vinny couldn’t get health insurance as a Connecticut resident, so I bullied him
into legally moving into New York with me, so he could start of one-year waiting
period to get coverage without excluding pre-existing conditions. We traveled
with a 1” thick Red Binder with all our legal documents. When we were back in
New York after an amazing holiday, someone suggest that I take “my current
boyfriend” to some event. I replied that we were more married than most
married couples, and that started us on the road to same-sex marriage equality.
Back at Caffe Rafaella, I got down on one knee and proposed. Vinny finally
said “yes” but we had to save enough money for the wedding – I had wanted to
do it on credit – and Vinny wanted a real clergy person. I didn’t know any clergy
back then, but my brother had joined a liberal synagogue when he got married
and at our nephew’s Bar Mitzvah we met Rabbi Chuck Lippman. Civil Unions had
just become legal in NYC and we asked him if he’d perform a Civil Union for us.
He answered that he’d perform a Wedding, but he didn’t want to do a gay-only
ceremony that seemed to him to create a second-rate class of people.
On January 2, 1995, my mother died and we had to return early from yet
another South Beach vacation. This was a very good thing, as the next day Vinny
was hospitalized with AIDS-related PCP Pneumonia – he had "full blown AIDS" -but he had full insurance on January 1, and he was back in HIV-friendly NYC. Oh,
one more thing, the line-edits for the manuscript of my book had to be delivered
within two weeks or the project would be canceled.
On September 3, 1995 one hundred and twenty five of our friends and
family assembled on my brother’s lawn, under tents, and we got married.
Together, we had written our marriage vows in Strawberry field – what did we
want our marriage to mean? We made a Katuba, which is the Jewish marriage
document, but we added places for all 125 guests to sign their names in the
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Quaker tradition of not being married by a clergy or by state law, but under the
stewardship of those in attendance, like godparents to the marriage. Instead of
a honeymoon, we went on a book tour.
Marrying Vinny was the best thing I ever did. This was also the time that
there became an effective treatment of HIV/AIDS.
We kept renewing those vows and got married three times – most recently
in the UU Meeting House of Provincetown, Massachusetts in 2005. And we got
more and more active with marriage equality.
The next five years were filled with trips including to my family in Denmark
and England and taking Vinny’s niece Melanie to London and Provincetown
replaced South Beach in our travel plans.
But Vinny’s liver started to fail from the toxic effects of early AIDS meds
plus chronic Hepatitis B -- And I fought to get Vinny and liver transplant and I
wrote about it the pages of POZ Magazine, which you can read on-line. When
Vinny was told he would never get his transplant, he was admitted into Jacob
Perlow Hospice Care in 2001.
One day Vinny was in the Hospital Bed in our Greenwich Village living
room and one of his hair clients came to say “goodbye” – Vinny looked at the
dear lady and said “what dreadful hair” – I was so sad that this was going to be
her last memory of Vinny. Instead, he got out of bed – although he needed to be
held up under his armpits by the home health aide, and he gave her a
spectacular haircut. The first of many such ones. She was transformed. So was
Vinny. He sat up and as perky filled with a life force we hadn’t seen in months.
From the early days of AIDS, I helped organized way too many
“Celebrations of People’s Lives” and being a planner, I wanted to find the right
Venue for Vinny’s. All the local churches were out as they wanted their religious
funerals. Eventually, I found Community Church of New York Unitarian
Universalist, which had a useable space, for members of the church. I signed
the membership book.
Now that Vinny was out of bed, I thought I’d take him in a wheelchair to
see where his memorial would take place. He really liked the service, and the
music director said that all were welcome in joining the choir, and Vinny did just
that, and that started our time a regularly attending UU services and activities,
although many years ago we had the good sense of changing congregations.
For the tenth anniversary of POZ Magazine in 2003, it was decided that the
installation artist Spenser Tunic would do a Nude Installation of people with HIV
at Florant Restaurant. I volunteered, Vinny refused. I kept nagging. I didn't want
to be and AIDS Widower before my time. Eventually, he agreed. Five minutes
later, the folks from HBO called to ask if they could profile us as a "making of"
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documentary for the cover. In for a penny, in for a pound. That HBO
documentary is something we were both so proud of. You can watch it on
YouTube on a link from the MarkandVinny.com website.
At the end of the documentary I said "The best news you can get is to be
told you are going to die, and then not die. Because when you realize that you go
oh shit, wasn't worried about spending time with my family and I been working
more, It refocuses things.
That's one of the reasons Vinny and I have had such a wonderful
relationship is that we keep on being told that we might not have much more
time together, so you better make the most of it."
After four and one-third years, Vinny was kicked out of his first experience
with Hospice Care "for not dyeing as scheduled"
•••
Vinny had to stop working in March 2000 and I had to stop in November
2006. From then on we spent 24/7 together with few exceptions. We saw our
whole team of doctors together and Vinny required such careful medical
attention to keep him going.
In our last years together, we cuddled a lot and watched mostly british TV
Dramas. We’d come here to First Unitarian, have lunch at the GMHC, the Gay
Men’s Health Crisis. On Thursday’s Vinny would rehearse with the SAGE
Singers, a folk choir of mostly gay seniors.
We’d picket and protest when we could with Queer Nation and Weaving
the Fabric of Diversity Committee and we loved to follow the Lesbian, Gay, Bi-,
Transgender and Queer LGBTQ with the syndicated weekly TV news program,
"Gay USA” -- Vinny was so proud to get on-screen credit for styling the two
anchors, Ann Northrup and Andy Humm,
One of our favorite outings was to go the various New York Museums, and
Vinny, especially The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
In May 2013 was our last out of town trip: we spent the week in
Washington, DC.
When Vinny was too sick to make it to GMHC for lunch, God's Love, We
Deliver brought us great food, PAWS NY had volunteers to help care for the dog
that lives with us, Troika. In the final few months, we were very lucky to have
VNS Hospice help us care for Vinny at home.
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Vinny hated hospitals. He would sign himself out as soon as he could. I am
so happy that Vinny was able to die at home, peacefully in my arms with his
beloved sister and niece Melanie and her husband Steve and my brother Jeff
beside him. I am so proud that together we could help him have such a lovely
death.
•••
In the words of the great philosopher Dr. Seuss: "Don't cry because it's
over, smile because it happened."
Vinny loved the British Drama "Call The Midwife" which we watched
endlessly on Netflix. on Season 3, Episode 6 (2012), they said...
"Sometimes there is nothing you can say,
but there is always something you can do."
"You will feel better than this,
bubblea,
maybe not yet, but you will...
You just keep living until you are alive again."
Andy Humm and Ann Northrup “In Memory of Vinny Allegrini” in the
ongoing closing credits of GAY USA after years of a “Hair By” Credit.
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Ellen Rosenthal
Good afternoon. I'm Ellen Rosenthal and I am honored to have this
opportunity to talk about my best friend, Vinny.
We all met Vinny at different times and for different reasons. Some of you
were looking for a great haircut, and met Vinny. Mark was looking for love (or at
least a date), and met Vinny. Perhaps some of you in this congregation were
looking for a like-minded good person, and you met Vinny. When I met Vinny, I
was looking for God and looking for answers, and so was Vinny. Today, I want to
talk to you about what Vinny truly believed in, his spiritual belief system,
because this, more than anything, was the basis of our friendship and I believe
defined Vinny at his core.
We met about 26 years ago at a meditation class. Before the class even
started, we sat in the teacher's back yard at a picnic table and within ten
minutes we became friends. I had been involved in what we used to call the
"New Age" for a few years and Vinny was just getting started on his spiritual
journey.
Back then I was in a constant “wow” state -- everything I learned I thought
was fantastic. In Vinny I found a real kindred spirit. He shared with me that very
first day that he was HIV positive. His friend had suggested that meditation
might be a good thing and Vinny had lots and lots of questions.
We started attending meditation classes together taught by a wonderful
woman who was part of an organization called the Fellowship of the Inner Light,
which was founded by the late Paul Solomon. We enrolled in a series of
workshops that taught us how to participate in a guided imagery exercise called
the Seven Terrace Meditation. We both loved those workshops and the insights
and knowledge that we gained from the meditation experiences and from our
fellow seekers in the group. Vinny, who was never what I would call a wallflower
to begin with, really blossomed. He started to believe that he had much more
control over his destiny then he had thought. He learned that he could
manipulate his own personal energy or chi, and that ability changed the course
of his life.
In the next few years, Vinny practiced energy work and yoga, explored a
variety of meditation techniques including chanting, which he loved, and
continued to make the spiritual journey up the seven terraced mountain through
meditation. This was a journey we took together nearly every time we met. And
each time, for Vinny, it was restorative and sometimes transformative.
Eventually we started our own group for people with HIV or AIDS which we
called Positive Meditation.
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For those in that group, Vinny was a light in the darkness. He would arrive
at group in his white tee shirt that said “No Fear” on the front. He was upbeat
and every week was as enthusiastic as week one. The Seven Terrace Meditation
begins with the affirmation "I expect to be changed by this experience." The
purpose of the meditation is not to just have an experience while you're doing it,
but to carry that experience out into your daily life-to live with the power and
wonder of the universe. Vinny understood that. He got it big time -- and those in
the group benefited from his energy. "I expect to be changed by this
experience." Vinny lived that affirmation in so many ways. For years, no matter
what was going on, he expected that he would be successful. He expected to
bounce back, and he did, for far longer than his doctors thought was possible.
Another affirmation in the Seven Terrace experience happens at the sixth
level, which corresponds to the sixth Chakra, or, as some of you may call it, the
third eye. That affirmation is “I accept responsibility for all that I experience.”
Vinny embodied that in so many ways. Vinny had what responsibility really is -the ability to respond. Responsibility isn’t just what is thrust upon us, it is what
we take ownership of Vinny had that ability to respond. That was part of his core
beliefs. If someone was in trouble, Vinny wanted to help. I, like everyone else,
have been through some rough times and Vinny always was there for me. He
showed me that no matter what, there is always something we can do. Vinny
donated and discounted haircuts for those who needed them. He worked the
phones [and picket lines] for causes he believed in.
When he couldn't be there personally, he sent cards. Not just emails, but
actual cards that he imbued with his energy. “I accept responsibility for all that I
experience.” Vinny also applied that affirmation to his own challenge with AIDS.
In all the years I knew him, I never heard him say “why me?” I never heard him
blame God, or anyone else for his situation. He didn't like it, but he dealt with it.
Vinny did not have, and did not enjoy, the victim mentality. Even in our HIV
positive meditation group, he never let the participants go down that road. He
believed, as do I that there is always something to be done. He would say to
them, “Look at me. I'm OK and you will be too. You can do this.”
Vinny believed that we are all God. That God's power, or the power of the
universe, lives in all of us. He really believes that. And I use the present tense
because he believes that this universal power -- this God power -- endures. The
seventh and final affirmation in the Seven Terrace Meditation is "limitless power,
absolute harmony, eternal duration". Vinny loved this affirmation. I can hear his
beautiful voice booming it out: "limitless power, absolute harmony, eternal
duration". Vinny was able to face his illness and live his life with joy and gusto
because he had a wonderful husband, family and support system, and because
he knew, absolutely, that life is more than just the physical, we are all more than
we suspect, and our spirit is eternal. I will miss Vinny's physical presence in my
life, but I will continue to make the spiritual journey up the seven terraces with
him by my side.
Page 20
Judy Seicho Fleischman
read by Lyz Gaumer
Vinny understood love because he understood pain. Vinny struggled with
what it means to love through struggling with the uncertainty of living and dying.
To meet Vinny, to be with him, was to meet myself in every vulnerable, tender,
and beautiful space, and so to fall into the cracks in everything.
I loved sitting in the tall chair in his and Mark’s home. Facing a mirror with
Vinny behind me holding a carefully tended pair of scissors, the sparkle in his
smile greeting me in that mirror. Just as moments earlier opening the door to
their apt., he’d place a joyful kiss on my cheek. Vinny saw my true face. Vinny
had my back. Vinny held my heart close. I feel him close now. He said he loved
playing with curly hair. I loved how we could play.
Which isn’t to say that we didn’t have our differences, our struggles to
witness and respond to shared pain. Vinny being a masterful storyteller, he
would share wondrous moments of connection with many people. Some flat out,
laugh out loud hilarious.
The years with Vidal Sassoon, in London, in Connecticut, and right here in
his and my heart hometown of New York City and especially the West Village.
Vinny made the Village come alive because he offered Village vision. He so
eloquently lived this with Mark -- that shared vision come alive.
But Vinny also spoke of pain, of conflicts, as did I. We confided in one
another and at times, I had to set limits. So did he. That is how I knew we had a
real friendship, a real dialogue and that in every sense of the word, we had
become family. Brother and sister for all time. I feel that now and cannot
distinguish this love as his or mine for it remains a visceral depth of rootedness
in that heartspace so open and vivid that to call it love could never be enough.
That is why I feel held,
as write this. This love continues, flowing
through each of us who remembers Vinny and feels him close and naturally
keeps love flowing. To me, this is Vinny’s legacy. It is a shared legacy with his
beloved husband and a man I am blessed to also call brother, Gakujo Mark.
Together they walked a path of love. Step by step and breath by breath.
Inclusive love. Fierce love. Playful love. Joyful love and sometimes anguished
too, sharing the journey. Keeping it real and relevant.
Page 21
I remember many walks with Vinny and Gakujo [Mark] through the myriad
twists and turns of the West Village. Some of the happiest moments of my life.
Tears spilling out now as I see us walking, Vinny and I locking arms, Mark
looking ahead to make sure the path is safe. Such care. Such precious tender
beauty. Entering a chocolate shop where the owner, their friend, delightedly
offers us samples as they introduce me as, “our dear friend.”
This is love.
Dear friend, my brother Vinny, you blessed us and I pray that this blessing,
this gift of your life, be an offering that each of us continues to offer. Devotedly,
wholeheartedly, patiently. True love. I close my eyes and see you smiling. I seal
your smile in my heart. Thank you for showing me how to love.
Linda de Solla Price
I would like to speak for friends and family who cannot be here, as well as
those of you who also were close to Vinny, but are not speaking during this
memorial.
Vinny was a unique individual, passionate about the people in his life, his
music, and his extraordinary ability to style hair. He always gave me my best
haircuts, even when he had to be propped up to do it.
I was a little afraid during our last haircut that, if he went down or the
scissors slipped from his control, we both might need an ambulance, but it was a
ritual I was not ready to give up, and as it turned out it was in fact our last
haircut.
I interviewed about a dozen stylists referred by friends to find someone to
cut my hair so I could be here today. It was hard, because Vinny was
irreplaceable.
He meant a great deal to so many of us, and we will miss him.
Page 22
Jeffrey Price
When Mark first met Vinny at a Marianne Williamson soul-bonding lecture,
they were strongly attracted to each other, but they knew that there would be a
lot of challenges to overcome. Their health had so many hitches that it really
wasn't sensible to plan for the future, their backgrounds were delightfully
diverse, Vinny was more than a few years older than Mark and anyway, he lived
in West Hartford which was a huge commute to Mark's place in the West Village.
But there was an even bigger bridge to cross: Vinny had to meet our
Mother, Ellen Hjorth deSolla Price. Mom was a huge advocate of anything that
had the word 'rights' attached .... women's rights, political rights, artist's rights,
and of course: gay rights. She would march with almost any radical placard ...
and she particularly adored the role of 'activist grande damme,' especially when
she could join in some gay gathering where Mark and his mother became the
center of attention. For those of you who did not know her, I've got to tell you
that along with her Danish liberalism she enjoyed adopting a countenance fit for
the upper floors of Downton Abbey, and yes, she was a social butterfly, but she
could also be a bit of a snob.
So finally when she met Vinny, a handsome and gifted hairdresser (but,
defying her expectations, not a Nobel Prizewinning astro-physicist,) she gave
him the once over and then made her pronouncement: 'I approve!' Vinny was
quick to reply that her approval was quite unnecessary, but as a matter of fact,
he approved of her also.
When our mother died in January of 1995, Vinny was stuck in a New York
hospital with a nasty case of pneumonia and couldn't join Mark and the rest of us
at her memorial gathering. Knowing how dangerous pneumonia was for a
person with HIV, we prepared ourselves for the worst. Well, that was over
twenty years ago and of course Vinny roared back from that little bump in his
road. Of course he did. Bouncing back was one of things he did best, and like
Tigger he bounced over and over and over and over again, and always with his
[Eileen] Ford Model Tigger-like smile that lit up the room.
While many folks celebrate the 'firsts' in their lives, my family and Vinny
celebrated an absolutely astounding number of “lasts.” We gathered the family
for dozens of “last birthdays” countless “last anniversaries” and enjoyed
decades of “last holiday celebrations.” Fifteen years ago I thought it might be
the last chance for Vinny to see a Yankee ballgame, and there was a golden
opportunity at the end of the 2000 season because the Yankees were playing the
Mets in the World Series. I made sure Mark and Vinny had seats in Yankee
Page 23
Stadium to watch that epic first game. It went 12 innings, almost five hours, and
became the longest game in World Series history. I've always thought of that as
symbolic for Vinny’s own long run, since he was always swinging for the fences
and piling on extra innings with his longevity records. And yes, his ever-lovin'
Yankees won that game.
I asked Vinny a few weeks ago how he kept going and how he could
maintain such a positive attitude in the face of so much adversity. 'It doesn't do
any good to complain, so you might as well enjoy yourself,' he said. And enjoy he
did. He told me year after year that he had every intention of living to be a
hundred, and I'm damn disappointed he fell short because after all those
assurances I'd come to believe him. I never heard him be mopey or complain
about his many and varied ailments. Oh, he might nod off during lunch or come
perilously close to tipping his drink into his lap, but then he would perk up and
ask how my kids were doing or share some salacious scandal about someone
we sometimes knew. He treasured his relationship with Mark and told me that
Mark was the smartest man he had ever met.
That smart man, my brother, cherished Vinny unconditionally, and he
always took great and gentle care of him, and that kept Vinny going year after
year. When Vinny had a problem, Mark was always there to pick him up, dust him
off, and make sure he was taking the right package of medications for that
particular time of day. If there was the slightest chance that Vinny was up for an
outing, off they would go to Central Park or one museum or another to wander or
roll a wheelchair through a wonderland or just enjoy an afternoon.
When my daughter Eva and her husband Rory brought their new baby
Tasman to visit last year from Australia, tops on their wish-list was to visit his
Great Uncle Mark and Vinny. Of course we didn't know if Vinny would be up for a
meal, let alone a walk to a restaurant, but of course he was and we walked a few
blocks to a favorite spot. Vinny not only made it through a long and laugh-filled
lunch, but then he wanted to join us on our visit to the Metropolitan Museum. Of
course he did. I remember rolling him past gorgeous displays and up to the
magnificent Tiffany-glass fountain, which was a special favorite for him and
Mark. That was a magical afternoon indeed.
And there was also something magical about the way my camera always
loved Vinny. He just had a way of smiling at the camera that always made for a
good picture. Some people got it, others not so much, but Vinny sure had it big
time. He would be quick to tell you that, yes, he had been a model, and he
certainly knew how to rock a hairstyle and shoot you a smile that gave his eyes a
special twinkle. That smile really projected his character. Even on a bad day, if
you pointed a camera at him he could absolutely radiate that smile, a smile that
really meant something, a smile that melted away everyone's troubles and got
rid of aches and pains too. Vinny smiled like his life depended on it, and I
suppose it did.
Page 24
And now, damn it, I'll not be able to take any more photos of that smile and
Vinny’s radiance. In his honor we should all carry a smile with us and know that
no matter what the weather or which ailments are aching, that if was up to
Vinny, we'd all get up and go on an adventure, visit some friends, bounce a few
times, catch the camera's eye, and smile, smile, smile.
Larry Kramer at lunch at GMHC with Mark and Vinny August 4, 2009.
Page 25
Melanie Alvarez
Everything I really need to know about Life
I learned from my Uncle Vinny…
A liturgy by Melanie Joy Allegrini Alvarez
On behalf of my entire family, Allegrini/Genovese, I would like to thank all
of you for being here to celebrate with us the life of someone truly magnificent,
my Uncle Vinny. Reflections ore so often sad and tedious and that is not what my
dear uncle would have wanted nor expected from me. So, I am here today to tell
you a story or two or three in what I would like to think would have been true
"Vinny Allegrini Fashion." These are some of what I believe were our happiest
memories together and many of you may well have heard them before, but one
more time won't hurt.
Some people go by the philosophy "All I really need to know I learned in
kindergarten." Well, most of what I need to know about how to live, and what to
do, I learned from Uncle Vinny. When I grew up, it was something like a version
of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" only take out the Greeks and insert Italians.
Everyone was loud, opinionated, and eating -- always eating. They lived "Italian
lives, talked about Italian things, ate Italian food, married other Italians (of the
opposite sex of course) and had Italian children -- well all but my Uncle Vinny.
Of all of the loud, he was the loudest, always was heard and never
followed "the rules." Dropping out of college to become a hairdresser, becoming
a vegetarian health fanatic and getting a boyfriend was not exactly the status
quo in our family- but he did not let that stop him from being who he was. When I
was born to a single mother out of wedlock, I guess it made sense that he felt the
need to be my advocate. After all, he had paved the way for such deviance by
virtue of the way he lived against the proverbial grain.
My Uncle was not always a man of modest means. At his peak he was one
of the top-earning stylists around. One of the benefits of that was that he got to
travel and by default I got to go to all sorts of places with him.
One of his favorite stories was when I was two and he took me to a very
upscale restaurant with all male waiters. It was around Christmas time. When
we got in the door, I said, "This is a very elegant restaurant" The maitre d'
seemed stunned and said, "What makes you say that?" I said, "You see those
pearls, hanging up over there? Are those real pearls?" Shocked he said, "Why
yes they are!" I said "See I told you it was an elegant restaurant" "My, my we
have an extensive vocabulary" he said.
Uncle Vin always told me, "Melanie, you are special because you are
prettier, smarter, and more grown up than most people your age. Well needless
to say neither of us could do any wrong in the other's eyes, so we embarked on a
Page 26
journey together and these were some of my lessons: The ABC's: Aveda, Boys,
Cosmo
Aveda: I learned about the importance of your hair looking good at a
young age. When I was two I got my first Uncle Vinny haircut. I remember
begging him to cut my hair because “Aunt Jane cuts my bangs too short and
crooked and makes me look stupid.” He said, “Well if you want me to cut your
hair, you have to sit very still like a statue”
Boys: When I was three years old, I had my first boyfriend. One day Uncle
Vinny picked me up from daycare and I was in timeout. He asked the teacher
what happened and she explained that I was in trouble for hitting a little boy in
the nose and making him bleed. Apparently, there was a little boy Michael who
had been bothering me at school and pushing me down. When Uncle Vinny
asked me why I hit him, I responded, “Well I told the teacher and she didn't do
anything, and I told him to stop and he wouldn't so I gave him a ‘Mr. T’ right in the
nose” Uncle Vinny Said: “You know he's your boyfriend now, right?”
Cosmo: Fashion -- every year for my birthday, I got to go to Macy’s
shopping. Most of my friends had never even heard of Macy’s. I also learned a lot
about being a woman and feminist from my uncle who believed that you could be
downright sexy, a true diva, and still be a feminist. He himself was a perfect
example of that.
He taught me my colors: and that love has no color: When I was three I
met Uncle Gregory. This was a pretty big day where I got to go to Quassy
Amusement Park and go on all the rides. I had led a pretty Italian life up to that
point so when Uncle Vinny's friend Gregory, the brown man, showed up, it took
me a little while to get used to the fact that he wasn't Italian. By the end of the
day, I was sitting on his lap, playing with his ears. I was so excited when I got
home, I said “Nonnie, I met Uncle Vinny's Friend Gregory, the brown man!” My
grandmother was not too pleased, "Oh geez Vinny, your new boyfriend is
black?!" I said, “No Nonnie, he's not black, he's brown!” I later went on to marry
my wonderful husband, who happens to be brown.
When I got older, I learned about the “rainbow flag” when I got to go to
pride in Greenwich Village. I later became one of the only "straight" members of
the Rainbow Center at UCONN [University of Connecticut.]
I learned about culture: There are all different types of beliefs -- Although
my life was dominated by the catholic religion, my uncle broadened my
perspectives of meditation, Buddhism. He taught me that we are all different and
that is ok. There is even a group of men that like to dress in women's clothing
and wear makeup -- the culture known as drag queens -- and they are Fabulous!
I learned about geography: Every year I got to go to New York for my
birthday, shop at Macy's and eat at Serendipity. When I was around 7, I asked
Page 27
my uncle to take me to London where he had been going every year to study and
work at Vidal Sassoon. I told him when I was a grown up all of my friends would
have already been to New York and I wanted to go somewhere special. I told him
that I would be a grown up when I was 16.
He told me that it was a very expensive trip and I told him he had 9 years to
save and I was pretty sure he could make it happen! When I was 16, he and Mark
took me on that trip.
When I wanted to study abroad in college in Costa Rica, my mother was
absolutely against it. There had been some American girls involved in an
unfortunate incident not long before. I knew my Uncle would fight for me to go.
He always was on my side when it came to things like that- I called him and he
said, "let me handle your mom." I later found out that he told my mom if she
didn't pay for it, he would but that I was going no question. My mother called me
and said, "well I guess I have to let you go to Costa Rica. Stunned, I said, "really,
why did you change your mind?" "Well," she said, "You called in the Calvary!
When mom says 'No,' call Uncle Vinny.'
I learned about science: At eight years old, we were driving in his car. He
said, "Melanie I have to tell you something, I have HIV. You might hear about it on
the news" I said, "What is it?" He said, "It's a sickness that some people get" I
said, "Can they cure you, like give you some medicine or something?" He said,
"No, they can't cure me." I asked, "Can I get it from you?" He said, "No, you
can't" I asked, "Are you going to die?" He said, "Nope, I'm not going to die, I
have too much to do!" I said, "Ok, well that's good, so what are we going to do
today?" That was my introduction to HIV I AIDS. I have been in the HIV field for
over ten years, helped hundreds, of people living with HIV and their families. I
am now the Director of Treatment and Care Services at the largest AIDS Service
Organization in CT -- the very agency that Uncle Vin facilitated an HIV support
group with Ellen Rosenthal over 20 years ago. He always had a can do attitude
and never let his diagnosis or health get in his way of enjoying life and soaking
up every minute!
I learned how to share. When my Uncle met Uncle Mark I was about 11
years old. I did not really like the idea of having to share my uncle. He had
always had boyfriends, but I knew that Mark was different. They always had a
special connection. He always told me "Find someone who adores you, like Mark
adores me!" Thank God for Uncle Mark who really took very good care of my
Uncle in his final years. He may well not have been with us so long otherwise.
On the final leg of our journey, I have learned that sheer will and
determination can be enough to motivate you to do anything that you put your
mind to. If my Uncle was here today, he would tell everyone, “Don't cry because
it's over, Smile because it happened!”
Page 28
Maria [Allegrini Iozzo] Gwillim
read by Melanie Alvarez
My Mom asked if I would please say a few words on her behalf.
Good afternoon I am Vinny's sister Maria Gwillim. My brother and I shared
a very special relationship. Vinny was not only my brother he was my best friend.
Growing up he was my greatest supporter and biggest cheerleader always
letting me know that he was there for me and I could accomplish anything I
wanted to do.
He set the tone for me with some our favorite singers. One was Johnny
Mathis and the other was Barbara Streisand. Vinny and I always said that one of
our dreams was to see Barbara in person one day, which became a reality in
2006 with Mark’s help and a few others we saw her at Madison Square Garden.
It was truly a memorable evening.
As you all know Vinny’s true passion was being a hairdresser and what a
hairdresser he was. I was 15 years old when he got his hairdresser license and
from that time forward he solely cut my hair.
As ill as he was at times, cutting hair made him so happy and always made
him feel so much better. He was as proud of me, as I was always so proud of
him. I felt blessed to have him as a brother and such a important part of my life,
from our long phone conversations -- which were just about daily -- to my trips to
New York to his trips to Connecticut I treasure all of it.
I will miss my brother more than words can say but I know he is my angel
now and will be with me forever. Thank You.
Page 29
Esta Berman-Price
My name is Esta Berman-Price and I am married to Mark's brother Jeff.
That makes Vinny and Mark my brothers-in-law.
Years ago Vinny confided to me that his ideal memorial service would be
an all singing, all-dancing musical drag review with a Wizard of Oz theme and all
the assembled guests wearing Ruby Red Slippers. Well Vinny I’m doing my part.
So if I can ask each of you to close your eyes, click your heels together
three times and send your wishes up to Vinny I know he'd really love that.
I first met Vinny about fourteen years ago when Jeff and I first started
dating. We had planned to meet the guys at a downtown restaurant called City
Hall. As Jeff directed me to the table Vinny stood up, and before a formal
introduction, not so subtly begin to look me over.
Page 30
First the shoes, then the outfit, the bag, the jewelry and then the hair. He
stepped forward ran his finger through my hair and said, " Nice cut ... but. .I
would have added more layers around your face and possibly fewer highlights in
the back. I knew then I loved him immediately! Whenever I was seeing Vinny I
always took a little extra time choosing my look because I knew nothing escaped
his critical eye and fashion sense.
Vinny could be audacious, outrageous, and bawdy. But he was also funny
and sensitive and sympathetic. He was fond of recalling for anyone who would
listen the story of how Mark proposed to him at Caffe Raffaella in the Village
those many years ago. He never forgot a birthday, often sending the card weeks
in advance so he wouldn't miss the date and always calling with his musical
rendition of the birthday song in English and Danish!
Whenever we were together we made sure to sit next to each other. We
could have been dishing about what was being served at the next table or the
waiter serving it but we had a way of whispering to each other in this most
conspiratorial way that it probably looked far worse than it actually was. I will
miss that special bond. As the three siblings Mark and Linda and Jeff would be
discussing some childhood memory we would be sitting on the couch discussing
the latest episode of Downton Abbey and what a Be… Atch Lady Mary is to poor
Edith.
Vinny was very loved as evidenced by the way you have all packed this
room today to honor and remember him. He loved all of you and Troika too but
his heart had a special place for Mark, Maria and Melanie. He was so proud of
them. One day as he was recounting Maria's many fine qualities he also
happened to mention her bra size. Needless to say I was thoroughly surprised
by his vast knowledge of her assets and when I asked him how he had to come to
this piece of information he looked at me incredulously and said, "Of course I
would know this… she's my sister"! As an aside folks I don't think my brother
even knows I have breasts and frankly lets keep it that way.
Vinny will always be remembered for his indomitable spirit and will to
overcome all adversities. But for me he will always be remembered as my
fashion consultant, gay guru and very dear friend
Page 31
Benediction, by Judith E. Meyer
read by Steve Alvarez
"The work of grieving is a journey back to new
life. The wound may be deep; it does not go
away. Rather, the wound too becomes part of
the new life; it gives us a new way of being
ourselves. We become life going on after loss
and grief, life going on to new experiences and
joys, life going on to greater compassion and
wisdom. These are hard-won gains, but they
are ours and they make us who we are. For that
reason we celebrate and give thanks for the
dead, who have given us new life.”
Give thanks for Vinny, who has given us new life.
Page 32
Randall Ryotan Eiger, Sensei
From the Zen Buddhist Memorial
on June 2, 2015 at the Village Zendo
For Vinny
When the heart is open, the world walks in.
There is room for the queen of England, the arthritic dog,
the boy living on the churchyard steps.
You said: “My mother always told me,
‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ”
You were a master of giving and receiving:
supporting your husband, cooking a meal,
singing in the choir, taking clients when
you could hardly stand.
In Zen we have a saying, "Seven times knocked
down, eight times get up."
In your case, dear friend, more like 100 and 101.
You were the bravest man I ever knew.
Eeeeeeeeee!
When one hair is cut, all are cut.
The top of the head stays clear and pure.
Page 33
Vinny and Mark’s Marriage Vows
After Vinny and Mark had been together for a year, the logistics of a couple both
living with HIV/AIDS became and issue. They drafted a whole notebook of legal
documents to allow each to care for the other in the event that one should get ill.
These included being registered domestic partners, health care proxy, financial
power of attorney, wills, and assorted other notarized letters and directives. We
joked that we were a lot more married than most married couples. Mark
proposed that they marry and they went to Strawberry Fields in Central Park to
draft their wedding vows to work out exactly what a they meant by this.
As Mark told on pages 15 and 16, same-sex marriage was not yet legalized, so
we patterned our ceremony after a Quaker model where the couple is not
married under the laws of the government or through the power of a religious
minister, but under the stewardship of all those who witnessed the marriage.
Not unlike being godparents. The 125 wedding guests all signed the “Katuba”
pattered after the traditional Jewish wedding covenant. Mark and Vinny carried
these vows and repeated them frequently to each other, including on Vinny’s
deathbed and while scattering part of his cremation ashes in the Hudson River.
“As we reaffirm this sacred bond of marriage, we renew our wedding vows and
pledge to do whatever it takes to celebrate life together, and live to the fullest in
the present moment. We will strive to be brave when facing life’s challenges
together, and we will laugh and love and hold each other often. We will do
whatever we can to help each other to be healthy and grow along our own
unique paths. We promise to always be supportive of one another with
gentleness and love, and communicate honestly and openly, no matter what. We
will create a wonderful home together that can be an oasis filled with serenity,
happiness, and our love. And most of all, we will cherish this never-ending love
for one another and for our family and our friends.”
Page 34
First Unitarian Celebrating Vinny Allegrini’s
Life at the Brooklyn Gay Pride Parade
Saturday, June 13, 2015
To Honor Vinny’s life, many groups and individuals from First Unitarian,
most notably the Weaving the Fabric of Diversity Committee, arranged to
walk as “Straight Allies” in the Brooklyn Gay Pride Parade.
Thirty or so members of the congregation participated and strangers on
the sidewalk cheered for “Vinny Allegrini” as we went by. It was
surprisingly very moving event filled with love and support.
Page 35
After Ten Years of Marriage, Now Legally Married on September 16, 2005
Page 36
On June 26, 2015 the US Supreme Court issued “the Obergefell Decision”
ruling that the US Constitution guarantees Same-Sex couples to Marriage
and all the Rights entailed. That same week, Social Security finally rules
that Mark was entitled to “Widower’s Benefits” as a disabled surviving
spouse “inheriting” much of Vinny’s retirement Benefit. This permits Mark
to continue to (just barely) aford living in the one-bedroom apartment that
they shared for about 21 years…
Page 37
Background
When Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) Act was struck down
on June 26, 2013 by the US Supreme Court in the "Edie" Windsor case, ALL
same-sex couples that got legally married in States that permitted and
recognized such unions and lived in a State that recognized such unions, they
would now be granted all the Federal Benefits and tax refunds that any mixedgender married couple would enjoy. This did not force States who prohibited
or simply did not recognize same-sex unions to change.
“After DOMA”
by Joanna Fantozzi
August 29, 2013
The LGBT movement shifts its focus
beyond marriage. Vinny Allegrini shuffles
slowly into the diner down the block from his
West Village apartment, his gaunt legs
shaking as he sits down cautiously. Vinny is
followed closely by his husband of almost 20
years, Mark de Solla Price, who keeps a close
eye on his partner. The wait staff smile. They
know Mark and Vinny well. "Back again?" says
their waitress. "Vinny was just here early this
morning." Both Mark and Vinny have been
living with HIV and AIDS for the past two
decades. They share an omelet for breakfast,
and order identical iced coffees.
tried to stand up, and a hospice nurse had to
help him, and he did this spectacular haircut
for her. The rest of the day he was glowing.
Before that, he was this pale guy about to die
and then he did his art." "I never thought I was
dying," said Vinny with a boyish grin. "I knew I
was going to beat it." For four and a half
years, Vinny was told he was going to die any
day. To this day, both Mark and Vinny's list of
daily and weekly medications fills an entire
sheet of printed paper. But they are still alive
and fighting, and they join a steadily growing
number of aging gay men with AIDS known as
HIV veterans.
When Vinny's unsteady hand causes some
egg to spill onto his t-shirt, Mark immediately
wipes it off. After their first date at Rafaela's
Café in 1993, they knew they had to get
serious fast, because of their medical
conditions. A year later, Mark had proposed
marriage at Rafaela's, and over the years the
two have gotten married three times: once by
a rabbi who lost his congregation for marrying
a gay couple, once by a Catholic priest, who
was kicked out of the church for performing
the ceremony, and once in 2000 [sic 2005]
when Vinny got sick.
These are the issues, says Janet
Weinberg, chief operating officer of Gay Men's
Health Crisis, that have been swept under the
rug in recent years, as the fight for marriage
equality has absorbed much of the media's
and public's attention. But since the Defense
of Marriage Act, or DOMA, was overturned in
June, New York LGBT activist organizations
like Queerocracy and Gay Men's Health Crisis
feel that it is time to focus on some of the
unanswered questions and issues of the LGBT
community: How do we treat a new generation
of elderly AIDS survivors? And how do we
curb the spread of HIV among the largest
demographic of new contractors - young
black men?
Shortly after he was diagnosed with AIDS,
Vinny had to quit his job as a hair stylist. He
was told that his death was imminent, and
Mark placed his partner in home hospice that
same year. "We had a visitor one day and she
came in with a bad haircut," said Mark.
"You see, I worked under Vidal Sassoon
for two years," interjected Vinny. "So Vinny
"Unfortunately everything old is new
again," said Weinberg. "We sit here and watch
the epidemic numbers for HIV amongst young
black gay men and it's a very underserved and
under-discussed population. We have an
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aging LGBT population for the first time since
our movement began at Stonewall who are
now having aging issues like diabetes and
cardiovascular problems, coupled with HIV."
For Mark and Vinny, everyday living will
become much more difficult once Vinny turns
65 in a couple of weeks. When that happens,
he will no longer be eligible for the private
disability income that he began receiving
when he officially retired as a hairdresser.
Mark and Vinny will have to scrape together a
living for two years until he can file for social
security at age 67. "There's nothing anyone
can do for us," said Mark, shaking his head.
"Tell them to call my office," said Senator
Brad Hoylman, an openly gay Senator who
lives with his husband and their two-year-old
daughter. "I'm going to be fighting for
increased funding for NYS AIDS institute to
help our seniors with AIDS, as well as the
young homeless kids with AIDS."
But New York State just may be the best
place for all members of the LGBT community
to receive proper healthcare. Doctor Barbara
Warren is the director of LGBT services at
Beth-Israel Medical Center, the only program
of its kind in the country. Beth Israel,
according to Doctor Warren, is a leader in all
modes of criteria- from sensitivity to nondiscrimination policies and educating staff
members about how to treat people of
different sexual orientations. This is still a very
different scene from 20 years ago, when Mark
had to fight to be acknowledged as Vinny's
partner and next of kin - not just a casual
acquaintance. "I could not have imagined 25
years ago we would be where we are today,"
said Dr. Warren. "But there's still a lot to be
done. We know there is a lack of access to
LGBT preventative healthcare in New York
City. There are a couple of these centers
around the city that have done amazing work,
but they're small and overwhelmed."
For Perry Halkitis, an NYU professor,
Chelsea resident and published psychologist
who has written multiple books on gay men
and living with HIV, finding an LGBT-specific
healthcare clinic has always been an
important, though difficult, task. "I was born
and bred in New York City so I haven't
experienced discrimination, but I prefer
talking to an LGBT provider because you feel
more comfortable talking about sexual habits
and experiences," said Halkitis.
Like Mark and Vinny, Halkitis has been
surviving the HIV/AIDS epidemic for a long
time. He has had HIV -- but not full-blown AIDS
-- for 30 years. He said that although he has
been successful in his career, and has stayed
relatively healthy, he constantly worries about
the future. At age 50, Halkitis looks at the long
lineup of pills he has to take every day and
wonders how he is going to afford this in years
to come. "For me what it feels like is that
you're in awe that you've survived this war,
but you're afraid the war is hiding and ready to
re-emerge," said Halkitis.
"There are people my age who think that all
this attention on DOMA detracts from other
issues. They feel that we've forgotten about
HIV. I think there's still an HIV problem but our
health options are constantly improving." For
Halkitis, Vinny and Mark, luck, survival and
access to modern medication has not
prevented them from watching their friends
pass away, one by one. "No one I knew who
had AIDS made it through the 90s," said Vinny.
And as survivors, they are left with battle
scars: at one point Mark contracted HepatitisC, but was able to beat it, and was left with
back and leg problems, along with diabetes.
Mark explained that with HIV, his body
has aged two or three years for every year he
has lived with the disease. And of course,
Vinny's body has been significantly weakened
by his brush with death. Between the costs of
their medication and doctor's visits, and the
steadily climbing rents in their neighborhood,
Mark predicts that they within the decade will
not be able to live in the West Village anymore.
For now though, hobbled with disease, the
two live on West 4th Street right near the 1
[Subway] stop, where they have resided for
years. You can barely move in their tiny,
narrow apartment, which doubles as a living
space and storage from when they sold their
old office. They look at each other silently, as
Mark helps Vinny into a chair. They kiss. It is a
private moment - that of two men who have
memorized each other's every tick,
personality flaw and pharmacy prescription.
Like thousands of men and women in the
LGBT community, they struggle. But they fight
like New Yorkers.
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Vinny’s Last Spectacular Haircut was on February 19, 2015, with amazing
Hospice Aide, Genevieve, gently holding up Vinny so he could cut Rochelle
Zabarkes’s hair one last time. Afterward, Vinny announced emphatically
“I’m Done!” Clearly meaning more than just today’s haircut. He had enjoyed an
amazing life and was loved and loved others, and now he was done. Less than two
weeks later, He was dead. My love with Vinny helping him through so many things,
including one of the best death’s I have ever known, is something I will treasurer.
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Vincent Salvatore Allegrini Obituary
Vincent Salvatore Allegrini born in Waterbury CT to parents
Elizabeth Genovese and Livio "Big Moe" Allegrini. He was very close
to his paternal Grandmother, even cutting school at age 5 to take the
bus alone across town to her house so he didn't have to be without
her.
He attended Our Lady of Mount Carmel Catholic School and then
went to Wilby High School in Waterbury, CT. Although Wharton had
accepted him, he attended Uconn Storrs [University of Connecticut]
for three years where he studied to be an accountant.
After realizing that accounting would probably not lead to the
most interesting life he could have, Vinny decided to leave the
university for a more glamorous career in the beauty industry. He was
a Ford Model in the late 1960's in New York.
Modeling brought him an appreciation of style. He trained in hair
design, excelled, was licensed, and went on to study with Vidal
Sassoon in London.
He then returned to America to work in Westport, Hartford, and
New York. His first job was working for Gervasio's and he also worked
for Tiago's in Hartford and Hair design in West Hartford. He liked to
keep his skills fresh, and so moved to Oggi, La Luna, and then Image
on Park.
In West Hartford he met Mark de Solla Price, to whom he was
married several times. Although their first legal marriage was not until
September 16, 2005, they had committed themselves to each other
years before, on September 3, 1995.
Mark and Vinny first commuted from West Hartford to New York,
and then settled in New York where they supported each other; and
enjoyed their friends, families, and dog, Troika for the next 20 years.
Vinny died on March 4, 2015 after his long illness, with friends
and family around him, and is missed by many.
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