From Facebook to Family - Independent Adoption Center

Summer 2011
We’ll Teach Him Your Name
Lucky Ari Has Triple A Mother’s Love
Wait Time Stats
IAC reveals comprehensive
statistics, including a breakdown
of wait times by family type
From Facebook
to Family
The Clark Family used social media
to locate and get to know their
daughter’s birth family
What’s in a Name?
A collection of baby naming stories from
adoptive parents and birthparents
www.adoptionhelp.org
From the EDITOR
The past few months at the IAC have been eventful. Each office hosted their annual picnic,
and two offices participated in their local pride parades to support LGBT adoption. Each
event was a success — so thank you to all who attended — it was a joy to see your smiling
faces. For photos from these events, see page 10 and our Facebook page. There have also
been numerous staff changes at the IAC that are detailed on page two.
IAC has also recently published detailed wait time statistics for 2006 through May 2011.
This is discussed on page two. On page 10, we reveal a selection of comments pulled from
our Facebook page that answer the question: “What is the significance of your child’s name?
And/Or how did you decide upon a name for your child?” The answers from both adoptive
parents and birthparents are touching and inspiring.
On page three, get to know Lyn Dawn, Manager of Agency Services. Learn about her love
of animals, her feelings about family and what it’s like to be the IAC Halloween Decorating
Champion 10 years in a row.
Turn to page four to read an endearing story of how Erin Garcia-Norris and her wife bonded
with their son’s birthmother without being able to speak her native language. On page six is
our feature article, by Jamie Clark, who has two daughters, both adopted through the IAC.
She tells of her search to find her older daughter’s birthmother and how Facebook and other
social media play an important role in their ongoing relationship.
On page nine, hear from resident expert Kathleen Silber as she offers great insight into
how to teach your adopted child the significance of birth siblings. As always, the final pages
contain up-to-date birthparent statistics and upcoming support group dates. Enjoy!
ANN WRIXON
Executive Director
CONTENTS
FOUR
Summer 2011
Ann Wrixon, MBA
Executive Director
THREE
Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW
Associate Executive Director
Ann Wrixon EDITOR
Erin Grimm CREATIVE DIRECTOR
EDITORIAL STAFF
Kathleen Silber
Erin Grimm
OPEN ADOPTION NEWS Summer 2011
{Vol.28, No.3 } 800-877-OPEN (6736)
OPEN ADOPTION NEWS is a publication of
the Independent Adoption Center, a
professional, licensed, nonprofit agency.
Founded in 1982, the IAC is the largest
and one of the oldest fully open adoption
agencies in the United States.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Any use of materials, including
reproduction, modification, distribution
or republication, without prior written
consent of the Independent Adoption Center,
is prohibited. Copyright 2011.
San Francisco, CA Office
391 Taylor Blvd., Suite 100
Pleasant HIll ,CA 94523
T 925.827.2229
Los Angeles, CA Office
5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 1450
Los Angeles, CA 90045
T 310.215.3180
Indianapolis, IN Office
5162 E Stop 11 Road, Suite 1
Indianapolis, IN 46237
T 317.887.2015
Atlanta, GA Office
2060 East Exchange Place
Tucker, GA 30084
T 404.321.6900
Raleigh, NC Office
184 Raven Ridge Road, Suite 109
Raleigh, NC 27614
T 919.676.6288
Pearland, TX Office
11601 Shadow Creek Pkwy, Suite 111-221
Pearland, TX 77584
T 404.321.6900
Learn more about IAC at
www.adoptionhelp.org
www.iheartadoption.org
IAC NEWS & EVENTS
The IAC’s Newest Families p.1
IAC Staff Changes p.2
IAC Publishes Wait Time Stats p.2
What’s in a Name? p.10
Photo Booth p.10
STAFF PROFILE
Our Very Own Crazy Cat Lady p.3
Interview with Lyn Dawn, Manager of Agency Support Services
OUR STORY
We’ll Teach Him Your Name p.4
Erin Garcia-Norris
FEATURE {PAGE 6}
From Facebook to Family
Jamie Clark
ADVICE
Ask Kathleen, the IAC’s Resident Expert p.9
Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Birthparent Statistics & Adoption Keepsakes p.11
Adoptive Parent Support Groups p.12
Front Cover: Rory & Erin Garcia-Norris with son Ari
Back Cover: Stan Pollard & Kobi Margolin with their daughter
SIX
NEWEST FAMILIES
NEWESTFAMILIES
Congrats
to our
Not Pictured:
Andrew Bates & Joelle Carter-Bates,
daughter Luna
Alison Deane & Tina Stewart,
son Lucas
James Kittock & Leslie Walker,
son Milo
Mark & Arienne Bertolero,
daughter Cambria
John Hageman & Amy Dunn,
daughter Maiya
Kristopher Knowles & Maria Velez,
daughter Amaya
Cynthia Cervello & Kristie Steele,
sons Jacob & Christian
Eric & Bridget Hansard,
son Miles
Scott & Holly McDonald,
son Nicholas
Johanna Connell,
son Jared
Peter & Danielle Honer,
son John
Matt & Daria Taylor,
daughter Adeline
Doug & Meg Crawford,
son William
Al King & Joel Pamos-Palaez,
son Xander
Ken & Suzanne Wallahan,
son Zachary
Adina Porter & Larry Madison,
daughter Jourdan
Ron & Marianne
Nishimura,
son Jenner
Andy & Kimberly Arndt,
daughter Sophia
Tim & Kathryn Gossett,
son Finnien
Keahi & Karen Anderson,
son Sean
Allen & Annie
Aliangan,
son Jack
Julie & Jeff Glazier, daughter Tabitha
Jen & Chris Reid,
son Jack
Kevin McCauley &
Michelle Carlos,
son Patrick
Chris & Jane
LaPaglia,
daughter Eliza
Chris Alexander &
Michael Hastings,
sons Evan and Ari
Ben & Eric Lekberg, son Joshua
Laura & Edward
Delacruz,
daughter Shayne
1
Lisa &
Marcus
Brown,
daughter
Camille
Andrew & Jill McConaghy,
daughter Evelyn
IAC NEWS & EVENTS
On the West Coast, at IAC’s
headquarters, there have been some
changes as well. Sarah Bryson, our
Marketing Director for the past four years
has stepped down from her position. She
is planning a move and will be pursuing a
career in high tech. In her place, the IAC
has promoted Ryan Schwab, formerly
Webmaster & Marketing Associate and
Erin Grimm, formerly Design & Marketing
Associate, as Marketing Co-Directors.
With their joint talents, the IAC is sure to
see great improvements in the months
and years ahead.
Kathy Batt & Nick Helfrich
with daughter Odessa
IAC PICNICS
This year’s picnics have been a success.
The IAC staff looks forward to these
events every year because we get to
see the adoptive parents, their happy,
energetic children, and the birthparents
all in one place sharing the open
adoption bond.
Thank you to all who came, and we look
forward to seeing you again next year.
Check Facebook as we post photos
from this year’s events!
GEORGIA BRANCH
RELOCATES
As of July, the Georgia Branch Office
is now located at 2060 East Exchange
Place, Suite 140 Tucker, GA 30084.
PRIDE PARADES
IAC participated in two LGBT Pride
Parades this year — Houston and San
Francisco. Thank you to our wonderful
staff in Texas for making a great first
impression in Houston. Thank you to
our staff in Pleasant Hill for bringing
your family and friends — we made a
noticeable impact on the crowd and
even managed to get the attention of
the camera and film crews resulting in
some great publicity.
And a fabulously special thank you to
the families who walked with us and
showed their support for IAC and open
adoption. It wouldn’t have been such a
grand success without all of you.
Check out Facebook and page 10 of this
issue for photos.
WAIT TIME STATISTICS
The IAC has published new statistics
on wait times. These statistics are of
particular interest because in addition
to compiling all families together, they
are also broken down into wait times
by family type: Gay Families, Lesbian
Families, Single Parent Families, and
Families with Children.
The data is representative of all families
who worked with the IAC from 2006
through May 2011. The wait time is
calculated in months, from when all
pre-adoption paperwork is completed
until a placement is made. To read
more visit adoptionhelp.org and click
on “Adoption Statistics” in the lower left
hand corner of the homepage.
Here is a summary of the data found on
adoptionhelp.org/adoption_statistics:
The average wait time from when a
prospective adoptive family completes
all of their pre-adoption paperwork
and a child is placed in their home is 14
months.
The median wait time is 11 months.
(Half of families have a wait time less
than 11 months, half wait more than 11
months)
More than 50% of families have a
placement within 12 months. 70%
have a placement within 18 months and
90% of families have a placement by
28 months.
STAFF CHANGES
STATISTICS FOR 2010
The IAC is pleased to announce
that Michelle Keyes, the Adoption
Coordinator in Indiana, is now the
Georgia Branch Director. She began her
new position in Georgia’s brand new
office on July 11.
IAC placed 168 newborns in
adoptive homes in 2010. IAC
annually places between 150 and
200 infants with adoptive families.
IAC matched 227 birth and
adoptive families in 2010.
Kristine French will remain working
full-time as an Adoption Coordinator in
Georgia.
Amber Burfeind, formerly the Georgia
Branch Director, is transitioning to
work full-time in Texas to oversee IAC’s
expansion in Texas.
IAC was contacted by 1,621
pregnant women in 2010 who
were considering adoption.
One of two “babies” featured
in our contingent at the
2011 SF Pride Parade
2
STAFF PROFILE
IAC’s reigning Halloween
decorating champion
for birthfathers using various websites to notify
them of the adoption. Once located, I prepare
a legal packet to be personally served to him
by a registered process server. After he’s been
served, I prepare a report for an attorney to use
to petition the court to have his parental rights
terminated. This is one example of many ways
in which parental rights can be terminated that
I am involved with. I am also responsible for
preparing our clients’ Final Reports, which is
my favorite assignment, because at this point in
their adoption process the long wait is almost
over. There is only one hurdle left until the child
they’ve dreamed of is finally theirs — their
hearing day!
WHAT IS THE BEST PART
ABOUT WORKING FOR IAC?
Our Very Own
CRAZY
CAT LADY
Interview with
LYN DAWN
Manager, Agency Support Services
Lyn Dawn is the Manager of Agency
Support Services at the IAC in Pleasant
Hill, CA. Lyn is responsible for making sure
all the paperwork is in order for adoption
finalizations in California. Lyn brings a
helpful, compassionate, and energetic spirit
to the Independent Adoption Center. She is
an avid animal lover and environmentalist
who enjoys spending time with her family.
She has two daughters and a 9 year-old
grandson who she gets to see often. Lyn
is incredibly creative and enjoys a 10year reign as the winner of IAC’s annual
Halloween costume contest. She is also an
enthusiastic helper in planning for all of
IAC’s events.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
WITH THE IAC AND WHAT DO
YOU DO HERE?
I’ve been working at IAC for 16 years. I, and
others in my department, prepare all the legal
documents for the agency such as Fost/Adopt
Placements, Adoptive Placement Agreements,
Relinquishments, ICPCs (Interstate Placement
documents), and Court Reports. I also search
3
There are many good parts. First, working at
IAC is a very rewarding way to make a living.
Family is the most important aspect of my life, so
having a career that focuses on bringing families
together through open adoption is ideal. Second,
the IAC is staffed with like-minded professionals
who are committed to serving our clients and
birthparents and are dedicated to making each
adoption a successful adoption. And last, but not
least, IAC offers many “perks” to its employees,
and we’re even dog friendly. Staff and clients
can, if needed, bring their dog into the office.
I’ve even been known to have a box of newborn
orphan kittens under my desk that needed to be
bottle-fed every two hours.
WHAT DO YOU ENJOY DOING
OUTSIDE OF WORK?
I’m happiest spending time in nature and being
surrounded by natural beauty. I take walks on
trails, go on long bike rides, work in my garden,
or just lie in the hammock on my deck and watch
the birds, squirrels, deer, and other wildlife along
the creek behind my house. I enjoy going out to
eat Thai or Indian cuisine on occasion or reading
a good book. Jazzercise and walks in the park
with my daughter’s Chihuahua, Ivan, are other
favorites of mine.
WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE
HALLOWEEN COSTUME? WHERE
DID YOU GET THE IDEA?
My favorite was the Crazy Cat Lady. My
inspiration came from my personal life. I have
five cats at home (from doing volunteer work at
a local cat rescue organization), and I feed stray
cats at two locations in Pleasant Hill. I also take
care of my friends and neighbors cats when they
are on vacation. I feel like a “cat lady”— just not
crazy yet.
I worked on the costume and props with my
two daughters. We had so much fun putting it
together. We died laughing making the cat box
from tootsie roll candies. It looked very realistic
when we were finished. The trick to winning is in
all the little details.
I ALSO HEARD YOU ARE A BIG
ANIMAL LOVER. CAN YOU TELL
US A LITTLE IT ABOUT THAT?
I have my mother to thank for that. As a child,
I watched her feed every scraggly, ragged,
pitiful, stray cat that came into our yard. And
back in the 50s there were many because no
one spayed/neutered their pets. She would put
a box out in the yard with a blanket in it and a
bowl of food and water next to it. Sure enough,
the cat would move in. She didn’t stop there, she
also fed injured raccoons and opossums who
wandered into the backyard and looked like they
needed a helping hand. So I learned compassion
for animals from her and passed it on to my
daughters.
WHAT FAMOUS PERSON DO
YOU LOOK UP TO THE MOST
AND WHY?
Mahatma (great soul) Gandhi, the political
and spiritual leader. His views were the most
enlightened of all the political leaders of our
time. Gandhi is an international symbol of
nonviolence. He was a simple man, who without
wealth or violence led his country and the people
of India to independence from the tyranny and
rule of the British Empire. He also won rights for
laborers, minorities and poor people in South
Africa using non-violent means. “An eye for an
eye, and the whole world is blind” ~ Gandhi
With her daughter’s
Chihuahua Ivan
on Halloween
OUR STORY
What a smiley guy! Ari proudly displays his love
for moms Erin and Rory while playing in the park
another adoptive parent. We looked at
that contact as a learning experience as
we prepared to go into the waiting mode
again.
We had just made the one-year mark and
were scheduled to meet our counselor
about going on the last minute list when
we got a call from IAC. There was a
Spanish-only speaking birthmother six
months pregnant in the LA area who
wanted to talk to us. Did either of us
speak Spanish? Well, the assumption was
that Rory with Garcia as a last name was
the Spanish speaker, but no, Tagalog is
her second language.
Yes, I know enough Spanish to get by
on a vacation in Spain, but speaking
on the phone about pregnancy related
issues seemed a bit daunting. Despite the
potential language barrier, we took the
plunge. Here was our chance that maybe
we were at last going to be parents, so we
contacted our Spanish-speaking friend,
Marvin, I took a half day off work and we
made the call at the scheduled time.
We’ll Teach Him
Your Name
BY ERIN GARCIA-NORRIS
It is on the eve of Mother’s Day 2011 as
I begin writing Ari’s birth story. This
Mother’s Day is the third year in which
my wife and I can claim this as our day:
Erin and Rory Garcia-Norris, moms to
Ari Mariano Garcia-Norris.
Every IAC adoption story I read gives me
such an emotional tug as events unfold
for each family in such unpredictable,
yet meant-to-be, ways. It is in the looking
back that we can make sense of a string
of seemingly unrelated events that have
led us to be parents.
Our adoption story could begin with any
number of moments from our past. Our
first encounter with IAC was seeing a
booth at the San Francisco Pride Parade
festivities. I already knew at that time I
wanted to have the experience of raising
a child, but adopting a child was not a
part of my reality. We laugh now when
we remember our first reaction to open
adoption. “What? A birthmother will be a
part of making our family and may even
be considered family?!”
One of our complaints now is that Ari’s
birthmother, Eunice, lives far from us
and we only hear from her occasionally
via email and phone calls. We really do
wish that we were closer so that we could
more intimately share what an amazing
child her baby has become.
While we were in the waiting period, we
only received two birthmother contacts.
The first came only three weeks after
we were in the books. That birthmother
decided she was looking for a single
person to adopt her baby and she chose
As Ari’s birthmother later reminisced
about our very first conversation, she
remembered feeling such hope when
our friend off-handedly translated, “And
you already know it’s a boy, right?” Our
reaction was like so many expectant
parents, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” we
shouted over the phone. For us, the
gender was not important, but hearing
this unknown life “named” suddenly
made our dream seem closer to a reality.
For Eunice, our extreme excitement was
one of the first positive moments she had
felt with her pregnancy. She couldn’t
believe that these strangers whom she
hadn’t even met were so excited.
We flew to Los Angeles to meet Eunice
on Friday, October 31, 2008. After
leaving the airport there was some
miscommunication as to when to meet
her, but we finally figured out that she
was on a bus headed toward the clinic
for an appointment. I thought maybe
there were some complications with
the pregnancy. Why would she have
scheduled to meet us if she knew that she
had an appointment?
We arrived at the clinic before her and
started to feel a bit like we were on a
wild goose chase. We were in the dark
as to how this mysterious birthmother
looked. She had seen our photos on our
4
OUR STORY
birthmother letter, but we
knew very little about her.
All around us were Spanish
speaking pregnant women
going in and out of their
appointments. There were
even two or three clinics
on the same street! How
ridiculous it felt to look at
each pregnant woman and
wonder … “Are you carrying
my child?!”
We continued looking around
for someone who would give
us an indication that she was
the person we were looking
for when we overheard two
women speaking in Spanish.
Did they say Eunice? It was
such an unusual Hispanic name. Was
that her? The receptionist told us that
Eunice had already had her appointment
and had left. It finally dawned on us that
we were in the wrong clinic! Our Eunice
called my cell phone to say that she had
just gotten off the bus. We went back out
on the busy boulevard and there she was
crossing the street.
We had imagined that meeting a
birthmother would be awkward. How
do you talk to a stranger about such
intimate details of life? How do you
balance the absolute joy the adoptive
parents feel with the sadness and loss the
birthmother must be feeling?
We immediately went to the correct
clinic with Eunice and waited in
the waiting room while she had a
routine appointment. There were no
complications as I had feared, however
we did find out later that when the nurse
found out that Eunice was considering
adoption she questioned her decision and
tried to talk her out of it!
After the appointment we finally got to
talk and show her additional photos we
had brought. Before we knew it Eunice
was asking us, “So, what do you think?”
My instant response was, “We love you!”
We had planned to take her to dinner,
drop her off at home to give her time to
process meeting us over the weekend
and then find out if she wanted to match
before we flew home on Tuesday. As
we were driving to dinner a translator
connected with IAC called. In this
conversation we discovered that Eunice
5
friend”, Marvin is now Ari’s
beloved Tio, my parents are
grandparents for the second
time, our brothers are
uncles and Eunice is our
dear friend who made our
amazing dreams of creating
a family come true.
Because Eunice chose
open adoption, despite her
sadness and loss, she too
can share in this joy that
she made possible. On Ari’s
adoption finalization day,
Eunice called us to share
Erin holding Ari, birthmother Eunice, and Rory
her happiness with us. She
at one of IAC’s summer picnics in Pleasant Hill.
said, “I made a conscious
decision to choose the best
for my baby. You taught
Being a mother is a different me that love is also respect, smiles, hugs
and patience. Ari will know how to be
and unique experience, the
loved and to love, how to respect and be
respected. You have changed my way of
most pure expression of
thinking about the world, you opened my
love...There are no borders,
mind deeply.” (Yes, Eunice also honed
languages or colors, only the
her English skills while living with us.)
need to give love and have
the courage to give it in a
conscious, responsible way.
had no place to go that night. Apparently
everything she owned was in the little
bag she was carrying.
After discussing various avenues to find
her a place to stay, we discovered that she
was willing to come live with us. So on
November 4, 2008 we began driving back
to Northern California. Barack Obama
was being elected as our 44th president
and we were bringing our birthmother
and unborn son home!
We had three months to get to know our
birthmother and she had three months
to get to know us. We would never
have believed it could work if it hadn’t
happened to us. We were able to provide
Eunice with healthy meals, take her to
her appointments and give her reasons
to laugh.
Basically through IAC we were able to
meet someone on the streets of LA, bring
her home days later, care for her for three
months, and adopt her beautiful baby.
I had initially thought adoption was all
about the child, but it touches all those
involved so deeply. Our “translator
In an email from Mother’s Day last year
Eunice wrote, “This day could look
like one of those sad days, but it is not.
Being a mother is a different and unique
experience, the most pure expression of
love. With this in mind, I feel that I’m a
mother. When you’re a mother everything
is possible. There are no borders,
languages or colors, only the need to give
love and have the courage to give it in a
conscious, responsible way. Thank you
for every hug, for every night and day I
was with you and thanks for teaching
Ari my name. You’re the most beautiful
mothers that I know.”
At 2 years and 5 months old, Ari continues
to amaze us as he learns and grows. His
list of accomplishments already include:
reciting all 44 presidents, enjoying
listening to chapter books read aloud,
completing the US state puzzle unaided
and just recently said, “I want to talk to
birthmother, Eunice” when he heard that
she called and was on the phone.
Just as he knows that he has two devoted
moms raising him, he too will know he
also has a birthmom who chose this
loving family for him. Yes, we never had
any doubts that we would “teach Ari
[her] name.”
FEATURE
from
Facebook to
Family
appeared! I clicked on Lea’s profi le, and in her list
of friends, was her mother Lindsey and father Scott.
Lindsey had Scott’s last name, which is why I hadn’t
found her; I’d been searching under her maiden name.
Addie all smiles while Skyping her
birthsister Lea, birthfather Scotty,
and birthmother Lindsey
BY JAMIE CLARK
Ever since shortly after our daughter Addison was born,
6.5 years ago, we have had no contact with her birth
family: her birthmother Lindsey, her birth father Scott,
or her siblings Stephen, who was 6 at the time Addie
was born, and Lea, who was 2.5.
It has always been a challenge for Addie that we had no
contact with her birthfamily. We get a Christmas card
every year from our older daughter’s birthfamily, but
nothing from Addie’s side. “Why didn’t my birthmother
send me a Christmas card?” she would ask, and I had
to sadly explain, yet again, that we didn’t know where
they were, or how to get in touch with them. I would tell
Addie that she could write a letter or draw a picture for
Lindsey, and we’d send it to IAC to hold onto for her, in
case she ever got in touch. I felt this was the best I could
do and it was never quite enough.
Over the years, I searched for Lindsey or Scott on the
Internet, but never found them. Only recently was it
that I found the missing clue. I was sorting through our
adoption fi les for Addie’s upcoming doctor appointment,
when I came across a piece of information that I
must have known at some point, but had forgotten —
Scott had a child by a previous relationship, and that
girl would be about 25 by now. Realizing that most
20-somethings are connected to the Internet, I decided
to look for her on Facebook. There she was! I then
searched her list of friends hoping to fi nd a familiar
name, and what do you know, Lea, Addie’s birth sister
I clicked on Lindsey’s profi le and stared at it for a
while. I impulsively clicked “Add as Friend” but quickly
cancelled the friend request not knowing what to say.
Would I say something like, “Hi, I don’t know if you
remember me, but I adopted your baby.”? Thoughts kept
circling through my head. Why hadn’t they contact us
in all this time? We hadn’t moved or changed our phone
numbers. Maybe they didn’t want contact. Would they
reject me — reject Addie? There had been a little bit of
drama back then…Would I be opening a can of worms
by re-establishing contact?
I didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I turned to the
IAC’s online forum. I posted about my situation and
expressed my thoughts and fears. Just by laying out my
ideas on the forums, I realized what I needed to do, and
I received very helpful advice about what other parents
would do in my shoes. The overall consensus was to put
myself in Lindsey’s place, imagine how she feels about
having had no contact with her child after placing her
for adoption. I knew that I would want to be contacted
even if I wasn’t comfortable with a relationship. I would
want to know that my daughter was okay and happy. I
decided to make contact and leave the rest up to her.
A bittersweet moment for all — Lindsey and her mother
Jackie prepare to say, “Goodbye” to Addison Grace,
while Jamie prepares to say, “Hello.”
6
FEATURE
and am putting together a pile of other hard copy
photos and school pictures. Addie and her sister Lea
look so similar, and Lea wrote a letter to Addie and sent
photos. Lindsey printed out a photo of Addie and placed
it in a frame on her mantle. When people come over to
visit, she says, “Who do you think that is?” and people
guess either her as a child, or Lea. She happily tells
them who it is.
Hanging out —
Birthsister Lea,
birthbrother Steven,
sister Taylor, and
dad Rob
What do I have about me that is like my family? It seems
sort of trivial, but at the same time, I think it’s a really big
deal. To see your face, mirrored in another. To see your
mannerisms, or “talents,” or eye color, whatever.
So back to Facebook I went, this time sending Lindsey a
friend request and explaining that I’d been looking for
her for a long time, and couldn’t believe I’d finally found
her. I told her that we’d been having some challenges in
school with Addie, and I’d love to talk to her about it.
Five minutes later, I got a notice that Lindsey had
accepted my friend request, and about three minutes
after that, she instant messaged me, and asked what
was going on. We chatted via IM for a while, and then
agreed to talk on the phone the next day. During our
chats, I discovered that she had very few memories of
that time in her life. She didn’t know what day Addie
was born, and couldn’t remember our last name, or
the name of our agency. She lost all of our contact
information as well, so really had no way to get in
touch with us. But she wanted to, and had thought
about Addie every day. She was so incredibly happy
and amazed that I had found her. Within a week, I had
friend requests from all sorts of her family members —
her mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, and cousin — all
wanting to see photos of Addie. Of course I accepted
them all.
We’ve since had multiple Skype calls with Lindsey,
Scott, Stephen, now 11, and Lea, now 9, and it’s been
really wonderful. I’ve sent some digital photos to them,
7
We had a Skype call recently, and it was really fun.
Among other conversation topics, Addie asked them
if any of them could curl their tongues, which they
all could, or touch their tongue to their nose. Lindsey
started to squeal and crack up, because the only
person in their family who can do that is Lea. The
minutes to follow were spent with both girls, faces
up to the cameras, licking the tips of their noses like
crazy. Later, Addie asked if Lindsey could burp on
command (another “talent” that only Addie can do in
our family), and again, Lindsey started laughing and
then proceeded to throw out some burps, to which
Addie responded in kind. The sight of the two of them,
burping back and forth to each other was pretty darn
funny. I teased Lindsey, “You must be so proud!”
Getting to know Addie’s birth family has been
comfortable and easy, and I am so happy for her. I’m
happy that she not only has this connection in her life
now, but because she can play the games that we all
play — what do I have about me that is like my family?
It seems sort of trivial, but at the same time, I think it’s
a really big deal. To see your face, mirrored in another.
To see your mannerisms, or “talents,” or eye color,
whatever.
Since getting to know these people so important in
Addie’s life, they have so naturally become a part of our
extended family. It just feels right, and like what open
adoption is supposed to be.
INTERVIEW WITH LINDSEY
ADDIE’S BIRTHMOTHER
Back in 2006 I found out I was pregnant. I
was 20 years old, and had 2 other children,
Stephen who was 4, and Lea who was 2, with
my boyfriend Scotty, who is now my husband.
We were homeless and out of work, and mixed
up with the wrong crowd. Our relationship was
unstable, and it was hard for us to provide for
ourselves and our children. I couldn’t imagine
adding another child to our family. »
FEATURE
It was a very hard decision, but I knew for both our children and
our unborn child that it would not be fair to give them a life full of
struggle. Adoption seemed like the best option. At the time, my
family did not support adoption, but I was strong and sure about
the decision I had made. When the time came and I gave birth to
Addison, letting her go was the hardest thing I have ever done. I
suppressed all my emotions and blocked everything out. That was
my way of coping, of making what I had done okay for me.
As the years went on I often thought about Addison, and not
knowing anything haunted me. I couldn’t remember any details
about the adoption — the name of the agency, the adoptive
parents’ last names, even the exact day that Addie was born. I
never thought I would be able to find her until the day Jamie
found me on Facebook.
Meeting Lindsey for the first time.
Left to right: Birthbrother Steven, mom Jamie,
birthmother Lindsey, sister Taylor and dad Rob
Yes. We look alike. I have photos of me as a child, and she is the
spitting image of me at that age. She is my only child that got my
blue eyes. Addie shares more traits with my other daughter, Lea,
who is now 9. They both have a bit of an attitude at times, very
spunky, and they both can touch their tongue to their nose — the
only ones in the family who can do that. They also look very much
alike, with the same hair, same face shape, and the same freckles
across the nose. So that’s really neat to see.
WHAT DOES YOUR FAMILY SAY ABOUT
HAVING ADDIE IN YOUR LIFE? WHAT DO
YOU TELL THEM?
My kids want her back, of course. They ask me, “Can we have
Addie back?” And I tell them, “We can’t, but she is still your sister,
just with a different Mommy and Daddy.”
My family is pretty split in how they feel about it. My sister-inlaw thinks it’s moving really fast, and that it can’t be healthy for
me. She doesn’t understand how we could have developed a
relationship so quickly with both Addie and her family.
My parents are welcoming it with open arms, and think it’s a
blessing from God. They are so happy to see me letting go of the
pain that I carried for so long, and being able to be so open and
honest about everything. It’s been really healing for me, and they
see that.
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT ADDIE NOW,
WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE THE MOST?
Knowing that she is a beautiful, happy little girl with a wonderful
life, and I get to be a part of it.
HAVING EXPERIENCED BOTH CLOSED AND
OPEN ADOPTION, WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE
TO YOU?
WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR
HEAD WHEN YOU SAW JAMIE’S FACEBOOK
MESSAGE?
When I saw the Facebook message, I read it and almost passed
out. I jumped to the conclusion that maybe they wanted to give
Addie back to us. All the emotions that I suppressed for so many
years came up. I spent a couple days crying, looking at the photos
that Jamie sent, talking with Scotty late at night, second guessing
our decision, basically just feeling everything that I didn’t feel at
the time of her adoption. When I realized that they just wanted to
have a relationship with me and I saw how happy Addison was, I
knew that we had made the right decision for her, and I felt peace.
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO SEE ADDIE
AFTER ALL THIS TIME?
It’s been very hard but very healing for me at the same time. Of
course I wish she was with me, but Addie is a very happy little girl,
and Jamie and Rob have done a great job. I’m so grateful for that.
DO YOU NOTICE THAT YOU SHARE ANY
SIMILAR TRAITS?
Everything. There is no comparison. I always thought about her,
but had no way to find her, so just pushed it aside and tried not
to think about it. But I always wondered and wished. Having an
open adoption has been amazing, and I’m just so glad to have
Addie back in our lives. I feel like a piece of me that was lost has
returned, and it’s been wonderful.
DID ADDIE HAVE ANY INTERESTING
QUESTIONS TO ASK WHEN SHE MET YOU?
We haven’t met in person yet, but we hope to soon. We have
had several Skype calls, and that’s been really fun. She asked me
typical kid questions – what my favorite color is, my favorite food,
what I like to do, etc. I think the difficult questions will come as
she gets older. Hopefully that gives me a little bit of time to figure
out the answers. I don’t want to say the wrong thing to her. I
don’t want to hurt her, or her relationship with her family. I think
between the IAC and Jamie and Rob, we’ll figure it out.
WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THIS OPEN
ADOPTION?
My plans are to just take it as it comes. Whatever Jamie and Rob
are willing to give, and I am emotionally ready to handle, I’m
willing to embrace it. I want to do what is best for Addison.
8
ADVICE
Q. “I have another brother?”
It’s common for adopted children to have
birth siblings. Most birthparents have other
children, either before or after a child’s
adoptive placement. When your child starts to
understand, and ask more complex questions
about adoption (typically between the age of six
and 10 years old), he might wonder, “Why me?”
That is, why did his birthmother parent other
children and not him?
Now is a good time to talk about the birthmother’s situation in more depth than you
might have done before. Children may have
difficulty understanding why their birthparents
are parenting other children but not them, so it’s
important for them to know.
Take the blame away from your child
Sometimes the adopted child wonders if there
was something wrong with him that brought
about the adoption decision. For example,
that he was a “bad” baby or an ugly baby. It’s
important to take the responsibility for the
adoption decision away from your child. Instead,
focus on the birthparents’ circumstances at that
time as the reason for the adoption.
For instance, you might explain that the
birthparents were already raising children, and
realized that all of their children would suffer if
they tried to parent another child. Perhaps the
birthmother was in a problematic relationship
when she gave birth to your son. Now, years
later, she is in a stable relationship and can raise
her newborn baby. Or maybe she felt she was
too young (then a high school student) to meet
the responsibilities of raising a child. Maybe she
wanted him to have a two-parent family. Now
she has graduated from college, is married, and
is ready to be a parent.
Expect a range of emotions
Your child may be sad or confused when he first
learns about a birth sibling. Encourage him to
share his feelings with you. Even though he’s
coming to understand what adoption means, it
can still be hard for a child to grasp why raising
a baby is difficult. Be calm and reassuring when
you talk about his birth sibling-you don’t want
him to become anxious and conclude that this
topic is off-limits.
On the other hand, your child might be
pleased and excited at the prospect of having
a new sibling. It’s normal for birth siblings to
be interested in one another and to want a
relationship. For some, curiosity about siblings is
stronger than their curiosity about birthparents.
This points to the power and importance of
sibling relationships.
Why ongoing contact helps
In my experience, it seems to be easier for
children who have ongoing contact with a
birthmother to understand why she is parenting
other children. Sixteen-year-old James has had
ongoing visits with his birthmother, Sue, over
the years. At the time of his birth, Sue was a
young, single parent struggling to raise her
daughter. Now she is in a stable relationship and
is parenting three daughters. Because of their
ongoing relationship, James can understand
and accept the reason Sue parented her other
children and why she chose adoption for him.
Give concrete details
As in other situations, concrete reality is easier
for children to understand than abstract
concepts (“birthmother” and “birth family” have
no meaning to a child who has no people to
attach to those words). While James has a loving
relationship with Sue, he does not think of her as
Mom (his adoptive mom is Mom!). However, he
does think of his birth siblings as sisters.
Don’t dwell on the wording
You might refer to your child’s birth siblings as
half-siblings or birth siblings, but to your child
they are just siblings. So don’t get caught up in
terminology. If your child refers to them as his
brothers or sisters, that is how he sees them.
That’s his reality, and that’s OK! Today’s world
of blended families makes it easier for adopted
children to accept the fact that living apart from
their birth siblings can be normal.
Building sibling relationships
Your child is likely to want to have contact with
birth siblings, including visits. If visits aren’t
possible or desirable (as in the case of siblings
with troubling behavior), look for other ways for
them to communicate. For example, they could
exchange birthday cards and periodic letters.
In situations in which birthmothers are in stable
relationships and parenting other children, visits
with her should include her other children. For
example, 14-year-old Maddie travels out of
state each summer to spend one week at her
birthmother Carrie’s house. Carrie’s household
includes her husband (not Maddie’s birthfather)
and their two daughters. Maddie loves spending
time with her siblings, as well as with her
birthmother. Maddie also has a sister at home.
In her view, they are all her sisters, Maddie
doesn’t view Carrie as her mom, but her sisters
are her sisters.
A birth sibling’s place in your child’s life doesn’t
threaten your family or the strength of your
relationships. It simply adds to your child’s
extended family. Accepting the birth family into
your life as relatives because they are related to
your child — isn’t that what open adoption is all
about?
ADOPTIONHELP.ORG/BLOG OR IHEARTADOPTION.ORG/BLOG
9
KATHLEEN SILBER, MSW,
ACSW, is the IAC’s Associate
Executive Director and Clinical
Director. She is a nationally
regarded expert, has written
numerous groundbreaking books
including “Dear Birthmother”
and “Children of Open Adoption”
and has advocated extensively
for open adoption. Ms. Silber
provides the IAC with clinical
oversight and the IAC’s staff with
clinical supervision.
This article was originally
published in Adoptive Families
Magazine. Adoptive Families can
also be found online:
www.AdoptiveFamilies.com
CHECK
OUT OUR
BLOG!
The best place to
find advice, support,
breaking news and
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NEWS & EVENTS
2011 SF
PRIDE
PARADE
10
ANNOUNCEMENTS
BIRTHPARENT ACTIVITY TRENDS
BIRTHPARENT STATISTICS
ARE AVAILABLE ONLINE
180
160
140
120
100
Intakes
Packages Sent
We post birthparent statistics on our
website by the third week of every month.
We offer detailed information on matches
and “Dear Birthparent” Letter statistics.
You can see them at:
www.adoptionhelp.org/bpstats.html
Matches
80
A monthly reminder will be posted on our
adoption forum located at:
www.adoptionforumsonline.com
60
40
20
➟ Registration for the IAC forums
is FREE for all IAC clients. To sign up,
email mlandon@adoptionhelp.org
0
April '10
May '10
April '11
May '11
BIRTHPARENT STATISTICS JAN-MAY (‘10 V ‘11)
GRAPHS EXPLAINED:
800
BIRTHPARENT ACTIVITY TRENDS
This graph compares stats from April & May
of 2010 versus April & May of 2011.
700
600
BIRTHPARENT STATISTICS
JAN-FEB (‘10 V ‘11)
This graph compares cumulative stats from
January through May of 2010 versus 2011.
500
400
Jan-May 2010
Jan-May 2011
300
200
100
0
Intakes
Packages Sent
Matches
Births
ADOPTION KEEPSAKES
Please feel free to email or call me if you are interested in writing an
article for Open Adoption. If you’re not up to writing an article, you
can also share your success story with the IAC community by posting
photos and/or updates on our Facebook pages and blogs.
➠
11
SEND SUBMISSIONS TO ERIN GRIMM
EGRIMM@ADOPTIONHELP.ORG
➠
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Third Tuesday of each month
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