The Trinity Trombone - Horsham Trinity Cricket Club

The Trinity Trombone
Incorporating “The Trin”
21/07/11
No one is safe…..
MATT MILES, THE GREY GIRAFFE
IS THIS TRINITY'S BEST EVER NEWCOMER?
Never a paper to shy away from the big issues, this
week we ask you the reader Matt Miles - Is he Trini-
ty's best ever newcomer?!
Since his whirlwind arrival on the square at Trin, our
new grey giraffe has become a permanent fixture at
the Club both on and off the field. With his enigmatic haircut and interesting voice, Matt has romped onto the scene with the kind of impact that could only
be made more significant if he was naked. Or carrying a ventriloquists dummy. In this edition, we look
at the hard statistics that will provide us with conclusive proof either way, and give us an answer to this
burning question. So read on and decide for your
self it Matt really is Trinity's best ever newcomer?
APPEARANCE: Generally well turned out, Miles has hard hitting impact from brow to sandal. Possibly
smiles a bit too often for a man of his size but some might view this as a positive.
ODOUR: No significant odour or odours
LANGUAGE: Usually speaks in English but his ability to converse at ease with Roussos suggests other language skills. Possibly teaches Greek to an evening class at Collyers packed with middle aged women who
pinch his arse as he walks past their desk
BATTING: Can bat. but usually gunned down by Ben Ford before he reaches double figures so hard to
judge this category with any real confidence.
BOWLING: Obviously one of his stronger categories, Miles has cemented the trademark 'wipe' before he
delivers his left arm spin with guille and skill. Left handed though, so worth considering if he suffers some
form of birth defect, or the possibility that he might develop a stammer without regular management.
FIELDING: Ridiculous agility for a man of his size. Able to reach low balls driven at pace and willing to give
chase in the outfield. Probably on Steroids.
EMPLOYMENT: None it would appear.
MANNERISMS, HABITS AND QUIRKS: Very well spoken for a Club that usually does not supply toilet roll,
and has a huge property portfolio in France. Might be a bad dancer, and if he'd been given the cane more
as a child, might've developed a nervous twitch when doors slam or glasses are dropped in his earshot.
So that just about covers everything that matters, and it is the considered opinion of those in the Editorial
team, that Miles has siezed the title with relative ease from close contenders Daneil Mkinde, Richard Hall
and John Attfield. Be sure to buy him a can of Guinness and a Stinger bar.
The Trinity Trombone
Incorporating “The Trin”
21/07/11
No one is safe…..
BREAKING NEWS * BREAKING NEWS * BREAKING NEWS * BREAKING NEWS * BREAKING NEWS *
In a shocking and extremely serious development at the Club, Pat Rogers has become confused over the identities of two leading players. You'll probably already have an idea who this unfortunate pair are, but in case you
have serious problems with your sight or are just plain stupid, it's Tony Lewis and Keith Smith.
Yes it seems our beloved buggy bumbler has fallen in the familiar trap of mixing this combo up. We here at the
Trom have not yet been able to ascertain whether it is the glasses, the hair, or the constant smell of cigarette
smoke that is fooling Pat, but we're are certain of one thing. It's a mistake easily made. She won't be the last
and she certainly isn't the first. Remarked Lewis "It's always happening. Only last week someone rang me to
Tony “Donkey Drop” Lewis
Keith “Keithy” Smith
Who am I?
Can you name this Trinity player? Score 5 points
for guessing from the first clue, 4 for the second, 3
for needing 3 clues, 2 for 4 clues and 1 for 5.
If you still haven't guessed then down a shot of tequilla.
1. My favourite meal is halibut on rye bread
2. Roussos is my bowling machine
3. I'm handy with a broom
4. My grandparents refuse to turn up if I'm not
playing
5. I have a brother that used to play a lot and lives
on the sun bed
The Trinity Trombone
Incorporating “The Trin”
21/07/11
No one is safe…..
Survivors Streets ahead of Youth in Long March
Stunning; memorable; surreal. All simple words that can’t be used to describe events at Trinity Cricket
Club as members finally put to bed one of the pavilion’s longest serving visitors. Tim Street’s Survivors
won the inaugural Trin Ashes match in memory of Jay (the Dog!) Teams were selected on the basis of
those who were older than Jay against those who were younger.
On a sultry summer’s evening (in Spain) the tiddlies took to the field, whilst those veterans who had
bothered to turn up on time prepared to bat. Bart and Dinger opened the innings but the partnership
was quickly ended when Dinger was done by the Roo Dog’s surprise straight ball. Bart and Derbs quickly
moved the score towards 50 before Bart lofted a pitching wedge short of the gren and was niftily
pouched by Gus.
Coxy added a quick 43 before retiring bored and Michael smashed 59 off 34 balls. Chicken contributed 7
not out; although 5 of these were scored flapping to square leg where he was smartly caught by Max
Lee, who had kindly offered to umpire. After 15 overs the Survivors had amassed 162.
Tim Street was obviously in a hurry to finish the game as he caught the Kidd and ran out Tiddly Hemp
in quick succession. Wickets continued to tumble until finally Roussossssss strode to the wicket. This
prompted the captain to make important field changes: employing 3 deep square legs, 3 deep midwickets and 4 long ons. The dog duly obliged but forgot to hit it in the air and snaffled a single. Two
straight ones from Fud left him on a hat-trick before the final wicket fell, when Ian Fry bamboozled Gus
with his Tony Lewis-like pace and flight and Gus was gone.
Following Jennie’s wise choice of ‘hot dogs’ and chilli as refreshment, the presentations were duly made.
A tearful Fred and the Chairman made back-to-back speeches before the urn found its way into the victorious skipper’s hands.
In a show of solidarity the players and spectators went Pole to Pole as Jay went to his final destination.
A stunned Roossssooss commented, ‘This is the first funeral I’ve ever been to!’
The long march was almost complete. But wait – there’s Chicken; nearly half a lap behind…
The Trinity Trombone
Incorporating “The Trin”
21/07/11
No one is safe…..
CAPTION COMPETITION
The winner of the caption competition from the last
edition was Jenny Wise with
'Can I go to the loo please? I'm desperate!'.
Jenny wins a trip for two to WIlkinsons and a selection Fitz’s cocktails
This week's competition features a new face for the
Trin, Drew Powell. Once again send your entries via
the website or hand them into the bar.
X RATED SEEN THIS WEEK
Horse - Hovering around a gloryhole in Milton Keynes
Neil Fitz - Cottaging in Luton
Tim John - Abseiling outside Holland And Barret in County Mall
Tom Emsom - Queuing for Erasure tickets outside the Brighton Centre at half 5 in the morning wearing a
'Relax' T shirt
Mark Derbyshire - Wearing only a shirt and latex gloves in a bush behind the goal up the far end of the
rec, and covered in talcum powder
Bezza—Snorting toilet duck in the Carfax bandstand
Huw Waller—Practicing frotage in Hawkins Bazaar
Cheese of the week
This week we at the Trombone turn our focus
towards Double Gloucester….
Yes it is and it really did happen corner
The Trinity Trombone
Incorporating “The Trin”
21/07/11
No one is safe…..
HOWZAT!!!!!!!! with Ben Ford
In yet another world exclusive, The Trinity Trombone brings to you an all new feature starring our very own Ben Ford. This column
tackles head on, the on field snags you the reader might face when asked to Umpire your stint on any given Saturday or Sunday
afternoon. Utilising his vast Umpiring Knowledge, the Fordster will answer your questions on all white coat matters, and give you
the knowledge to take forward to fill your role with confidence and know how. Send your questions in the Trin and we'll pose them
to Ben. Here's our first week's questions
Q. I've gone back to a straight one pitching off and hitting middle but I've played a shot, and was wearing a hat? What's your
decision umpire HOWZAT!!!? A. That's out Sir
Q. The bowler is coming right arm over the wicket and manages to swing one in to me, possibly hitting middle and leg, but I was
wearing an inner thigh guard. HOWZAT!!!? A. That's out Sir
Q. I've come left arm round the wicket to a new bat on 0. He's tried to sweep me and it's hit him dead in front. HOWZAT!!!?
A. That's our Sir
Q. Bowling off my long run, I've got one to nip back on a wet track at the opener and it's cut him in half. I heard something but it
may've been thigh guard. HOWZAT!!!? A. That's out Sir
Q. I don't turn it much and it usually pitches outside leg. In order to give myself a little help, I put my foot slightly over the line and he played and missed. HOWZAT!!!? A. That's out Sir
Q. I was having a dump and no one told me I was batting 6. By the time I got padded up, I was 30 seconds late getting to the crease. HOWZAT!!!? A. That's out
Sir
Q. The bowler bowled me a long hop that bounced twice. It trundled past me slowly and ran out to second slip, stopping just short of him. As he bent to pick it up,
1st slip appealed in a hilarious fashion and the fielding side chuckled at his excellent banter. HOWZAT!!!? A. That's out Sir
Q. I've just creamed the ball back over the bowler's head into Jenny's garden. The Umpire's signalled 6 and Roussos has said 'Fuck Me' loudly in front of away parents,
but the bowler has made a witty little one liner as he walks back to his mark. HOWZAT!!!? A. That's out Sir
Q. I've just raised my bat to the pavillion to acknowledge the applause for my half century but I didn't don my hat as well with the other hand. HOWZAT!!!?
A. That's out Sir
Q. It's change of overs and Liam Donnelly has just brought out the drinks with Ben Jarvis. My batting partner has offered me his glove to 'touch' as a little sign that we
have survived a hostile spell but I don't see it as I'm adjusting my jock strap. HOWZAT!!!? A. That's out Sir
Q. The orange at 20 overs is really weak as no one bothered to buy any squash. I haven't actually batted yet as I'm number 10 but people have made comments on
it's poor flavour. HOWZAT!!!? A. That's out Sir
Q. I haven't left the house yet as we don't meet for another 3 hours, but I've packed my kit as it is still in the bag from last week. HOWZAT!!!? A. That's our Sir
Q. I'm an illegal immigrant from Albania and have never heard of the game of cricket. I do however own some white trousers as they are considered high fashion in
Gjirokastra. HOWZAT!!!? A. That's out Sir
Q. Do you know how long it will take me to walk to Comptons Lane if I miss the bus? A. That's out Sir
Q. Nobody actually appealled there though! A. That's our Sir
Q. But. . . .A. That's out Sir
Q.
A. Plum
So there you have it. The first in the latest red hot Trinity Trombone series, from the Fordmeister himself. Send us your questions and we'll put them to our Umpire in
Chief Ben Ford and print his answers in the next issue of this fine slightly odd publication.