Their Lives Depend on It

Health
Start Talking Sex with Your Kids Early:
Their Lives Depend on It
By Julie Revelant
D
on’t think sex is on your
kid’s mind? Think again.
One in five children are having sex before they turn 15 and
only 30 percent of parents are aware
that it’s happening. What’s even
more alarming is that most sexually
transmitted diseases (STD) occur
in young women ages 15-19, and
the United States has the highest
amount of teen pregnancies of any
industrialized nation. “More teens
than ever are engaging in unprotected sex,” according to Dr. Laura
Berman, author of Talking to Your
Kids About Sex: Turning “The Talk”
Into a Conversation For Life (DK
Publishing). Dr. Berman says these
statistics can be attributed to abstinence-only education. “They’re told
not to do it but they aren’t getting
information about pregnancy and
STD prevention either,” she says.
28
May2010
And sexual activity isn’t strictly
intercourse either—with half of the
teenage population having oral sex
and one in 10 teens having anal
sex. “There is such an emphasis on
virginity right now, and what that
has inadvertently done is to encourage other forms of sexual activity
that you can do and still technically
be a virgin,” says Amber Madison,
a 26-year-old sex educator, lecturer
and author of Talking Sex With Your
Kids (Adams Media). “It’s important
for parents to tell their kids that just
because you can have oral sex and
still be considered a virgin, it doesn’t
mean it’s not a big deal,” she says.
STDs are serious business and
once you have one, you’re at a
greater risk for contracting HIV if
you’re exposed. “Most STDs have
signs that are very subtle, but it’s not
the message most kids are getting in
www.nymetroparents.com
their health classes,” says Madison,
who adds that teens think that if
they don’t see sores on their partners’ genitals, they’re safe. Yet herpes and genital warts aren’t always
visible, and teens can have human
papillomavirus (HPV) and not show
signs. Although many STDs are
curable, others, like gonorrhea and
chlamydia, can permanently damage
a woman’s reproductive system if
they’re not treated early. And even
if a condom is used, herpes can be
transmitted through skin-to-skin
contact during foreplay or even just
when cuddling naked.
Communication Is Key
Even if your children aren’t teenagers yet, starting the conversation early
can help prevent them from making
unhealthy physical and emotional
decisions when they’re faced with
peer pressure later on. “You want to
start the conversation before they’re
overwhelmed by hormones and
sexual thoughts and feelings,” says
Dr. Berman. “If you’ve already established a respectful, mutual relationship with them around these topics,
they’re going to be much more open
and communicative with you at an
otherwise very un-open time.”
Dr. Berman says that parents
should be the primary source of
information and that “teachable
moments” allow them to present
and reinforce the information several times throughout childhood
and during the teen years. “You
can have the identical conversation
about the mechanics of sex at four
different points in their lives and
they will hear the information completely differently because of where
they’re at developmentally,”
Sex Talk:
Dos and Don’ts
• DO be open to your kids’
ideas while sharing your own
values.
• DO respect your child’s
privacy.
• DON’T avoid the conversation, be judgmental or lie to
your kids.
• DON’T create ambiguous
parameters like “You can
have sex when you’re in
love, or when you have a
boyfriend.”
• DON’T wait until you
think your kid is about to
have sex to talk.
says Dr. Berman. Teachable
moments can start as early as two
years old by using the correct names
for their body parts in the bathtub
or on the changing table. “From a
very early age, you help give them
support and strategies for combating peer and social pressure and help
them feel good about their bodies
and who they are as human beings.
The more they feel positively, the
more empowered they are to say
‘no’ to sexual pressure and to protect themselves.” And when they’re
tweens and teens, starting conversations by asking them what they think
about teen celebrities in the news or
magazine headlines and then giving
your own thoughts are also great
teachable moment opportunities.
“It’s not a speech, it’s a conversation. The more you listen to and
embrace their thoughts and opinions
without judgment, the more open
they’re going to be with you and the
easier it’s going to be to communicate your own ideas,” Dr Berman
says. Many parents are concerned
that by giving the information,
they’re giving their kids permission
or that somehow they’ll be corrupted, which simply isn’t true, she says.
“At each stage, you are imparting
and wrapping the information in
your own family values in context.”
Fear No More
Getting over your own fears
about sex is the first step. Madison
suggests looking in the mirror and
repeating the words, “penis, vagina,
oral sex, anal sex” over and over to
yourself. “Get used to saying the
words and don’t be too clinical; use
words you normally would when
talking to your kids,” she says. If
you simply don’t have the vocabulary or the answers, Dr. Berman says
it’s okay to do some research and
get back to them. Talking to your
kids about sex may not be the easiest thing for either of you, but in
the long run, it will pay off. “There
are a lot of things they don’t want
to do, but you make them do
because it’s important for their
health,” says Madison. “Maybe they
won’t like it at the time, but when
they’re in a situation where they
have to use some of the information
and values that you taught them,
they’ll be so happy they have it.”
Love and Support
Research shows that kids with low
self-esteem are more likely to make
unhealthy sexual decisions that will
affect them both physically and emotionally. Yet parents can empower
their children to respect their bodies and, in turn, protect themselves.
“The most important thing parents
can understand when talking to their
kids about sex is that they need to
address the emotional issues that
are important,” says Madison, who
encourages girls in particular to look
at their vaginas and know what’s
normal and what isn’t. “Teach
them that there’s nothing shameful
or dirty about their genitals; until
you’re comfortable with your own
body, you’re probably not comfortable enough to be having sex,” she
says. The emotional component is
also very important when young
men make the decision to have sex.
“Boys also need to know that they
shouldn’t automatically be ready
for or have sex just because they’re
guys,” she says.
32 N Moore NY NY 10013 (646) 484-6849
19 North Broadway Nyack NY (845) 358-5670
www.playing-mantis.com
playing mantis
toys for life
VOGUE
"Imagine tiny, moss-covered dwellings with stone pebble
paths, little wooden chimneys, small twig-lined doors, and
entranceways that would fit only a fairy. This is the magical
window scene that greets one at the new Tribeca store
Playing Mantis. Enter the shop and.."
Stephanie La Cava
deltaskymagazine
Walk into Playing Mantis
toy store, and you get an
i m m e d ia t e f e e l i n g o f Z e n .
Playing Mantis has
"an incredible selection of
hand made toys and games
from around the world,"
Edward Burns says.
Featured in Eye Witness News for Earth Day Celebration.
For all the right reasons, Imelda McCain can't help
but restore you faith in humanity. She's caring
and smart in a traditional yet forward-looking way.
Her worldview is local in nature and global by
design. And her simple, unwavering desire to
make it all work to everyone's benefit is as
egalitarian and humble as it is inspired.
Making
Makin
Mak
king
ing Sense of
of living
livin
liv
ving
ing and Playing
Pla
You may shudder at the thought
that your kids have had or will have
sex in the future, and it’s okay to tell
your kids that because of religious
or moral reasons you don’t approve
of them having sex until they’re
married — but remember that they
may not always make the decisions
you want them to. “Be realistic and
know that there is a possibility they
may not make that choice, so then
you need to talk with them about
how to keep themselves safe,” says
Madison. “Show them that you
care about their health and their
physical and emotional well-being
more than anything,” she adds.
“You want to give your kids advice
they can use throughout the rest of
their sexual lives.”
www.nymetroparents.com
BigAppleParent
29