ION- You Were Voted The Funniest

ION- You were voted the Funniest
Teenager in Chicago in 1987. Do your
remember your award winning joke?
HAL- I did a whole routine. but the
moment I think I clinched it was when one
of the judges laughed at one joke and he
had a weird deep scratchy laugh. I broke
my routine and made a joke about it,
saying that I thought it was my stomach
growling for a half an hour. That did it. I
still feel my routine was the strongest but
once they thought I had the confidence to
improv, even in a contest, I could tell they
were going to pick me.
ION- Do you remember the first joke you
ever told?
Exclusive
Interview:
HAL
SPARKS
PART I
Part II in the August
issue of ION Arizona
HAL- No. I’m sure it wasn’t mine. One
of the first jokes I ever wrote was in
boy scouts. “I like camping” I said, “It’s
Intense” which of course sounds like “in
tents!”..ah.. good times
ION- What strikes you as “funny”?
HAL- I like well written comedy. I’m
a huge Carlin fan and I like how he
would truly craft a bit. I also like people
who aren’t afraid to act goofy and risk
looking stupid. I really love Martin Short
and Gene Wilder for that reason. The
commitment is such a joy to watch. It’s
fearless.
ION- After several near-death
experiences you remarked, A coma is
a great time for self-reflection. What did
you discover?
HAL- That no one knows how long they
will live so you’d better get at it. I really
appreciate all aspects of life now, the
hard times and the fun times are of equal
value and I now feel like I can five in and
experience both fully.
ION- You were a Boy Scout and have a
Preparedness Merit Badge. Could you
survive a 3 EF scale tornado in Iowa
now?
HAL- It was an Emergency
Preparedness Merit badge so..yeah. The
Boy Scouts was a great experience for
me and I learned so much about being
self-reliant while not being anti-social.
I can unequivocally say I can kick a
category 3 Tornado right in the dangly
bits. Yessiree!
ION- Who do you think are the funniest
comedians of all time? Did any of them
influence your comedy?
HAL- Carlin and Steve Martin were
and are my two biggest influences but I
listened to a lot of old comedy records
growing up. I listened to Woody Allen,
Shelly Berman, Godfrey Cambridge,
Johnathan WInters and Richard Pryor
religiously. I am especially a fan of old
Richard Pryor records like Black Ben The
Black Smith, the Wizard of Comedy and
Craps (After Hours). After Eddie Murphy
came on the scene is seems that many
people forgot or lost sight of Pryor’s
amazing storytelling ability.
ION- Do you Love Lucy?
HAL- Love is a big word. We’re friends
with benefits.
ION- If American Idol David Archuleta
and Miley Cyrus (Hannah Montana)
got in a fight, who would get their ass
kicked?
PART I
HAL SPARKS
Exclusive Interview:
HAL- The fans.
which state you’re in. One state’s vice is
another state’s cash cow.
ION- You have several black belts in the
martial arts & study kung fu. Have you
kicked anybodys ass recently? Whos
ass would you like to kick?
ION- You were Gentle Horse on Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman. Tell us about
that?
HAL- It’s funny but the more time you
spend studying martial arts the less
time you spend looking for a fight. I
don’t have the desire to fight as much
as I used to. Although I do have a list
of people I will punch on first sight.
However the only way you’d find out is if
you were on it.
ION- You speak Mandarin
Chinese. Do you ever tell
jokes in Chinese?
HAL- Chang chang. Wo
de zhongwen hai xuyao
lien xi hen duo keshi wo
keyi shuo yidian dian
de xiao hua.
ION- You dont drink
alcoholic beverages.
Do you have any
vices? What are
they & do they make
you feel guilty?
Hal Sparks
will be performing at The Comedy
Spot only two nights: Friday and
Saturday July 25th and 26th. for
tickets and information
call (480)945-4422
HAL- The story was about settlers and
their “Indian Agents” starving Natives
and then giving them liquor filled with
which is... almost none. However, I
think people have the right to believe
anything they want. The things I’ve read
about Scientology, and some of it quite
off-putting... still pales in comparison
to some of the crazy, violent nonsense
the other big religions have done. They
have a long way to go before they can
compare body counts.
HAL- I actually don’t believe in guilty
pleasures. If something gives me
pleasure why should I feel guilty about
it?
If I choose not to do something it
has nothing to do with other people’s
opinions, it is entirely based on wether
I think it is worth doing, it’s upside
significantly outweighs it’s downside and
it doesn’t harm another person. If htose
are your criterion, guilt shouldn’t play a
part in it. As for Vices... that depends on
sugar so they would riot and they would
then have an excuse to shoot them all,
was a great story that was based on
things that really happened at that time.
It was a little sad playing my one native
role and having him be drunk but at least
the message warranted it. And I got
resuscitated by Jane Seymour so...that
was nice..
ION- You played bubble-wrap clad cult
leader Zoltan, the in Dude, Wheres My
Car?If you were really a cult leader, what
kind of a cult would it be?
HAL- You assume I’m not. My cult is a
secret one..er...I mean would be...yeah..
would be...
ION- Out of curiosity, what do you think
of Scientology?
HAL- I have as much respect for
Scientology as I have for most religions
ION- Regular on VH1s I Love The 70s,
80s, 90s, Holidays & New Millennium
series. Which decade & holiday do you
really love the most?
HAL- The 80’s will always have a
special place in my heart because of
the music and of course because I went
through puberty then, got rid of what
meager virginity I had and became a
comedian. Halloween used to be my
favorite but now I get to dress up and
play characters for a living. So now I dig
Chinese New Year. It’s a great time.
ION- You came in second place on VH1s
Celebracadabra. Do you still practice
any magic tricks? Which trick is your
favorite?
For the rest of the interview,
pick-up a copy of the August
issue of ION Arizona
8
9
10
The Return of
Just Jack
Ten years ago I packed my bags, loaded
up a U-Haul and said good-bye to my
birthplace in the Midwest to start a new
life in Arizona. It was the best decision I
ever made. And three years later I made
my next best decision of my life: starting
IONAZ.
letter I used to write every month called
“Just Jack.” While it was titled after me, it
was about you. I never wanted to be the
“voice” of the gay community. It was my
voice and mine alone. I never realized
the power of the printed word until then.
And boy, did it get me in trouble!
In 2001 there were only two mainstream
GLBT publications in Phoenix: Echo and
HeatStroke, both focusing on news and
politics, both large size formats. When
my advertising agency lost its major
account to the recession of 2001 I had
to evolve my company that I started in
1995. After months of
research, my boyfriend
at the time and I decided
to create a totally new
publication for the next
generation of young gay
people.
I want to take this time to thank some
of my original staff, who put up with my
temper and moodiness, like Colin Milam,
Chris Smith, Michael Keele and later,
Corey Blanchette and Michael Zydick.
There were many others after them that
helped grow this publication and our current staff is second to
none. I would also like
to thank Matt Woods,
who was our first cover
model and set the bar
very high for future
models.
We had no idea what we
were getting ourselves
into. While the reception
was very positive, we only
sold $5000 in advertising
and our printing bill was
$10,000. I wasn’t very
good at math (or English
for that matter) so I kept
producing issue after issue losing more
and more money. But I knew we were
on to something. Sales continued to
grow (as well as overhead) but we had
a strong foundation to grow from. And
grow we did.
But we wouldn’t be
here if it wasn’t for our
advertisers. Our advertisers who pay so you
can pick up ION for
free. You see, ION isn’t
“free.” Each copy you
are holding, - are you
ready for this? - costs
$2 each. That is why we ask that if you if
you like ION, or any publication, to support their advertisers. We say “they pay
so you don’t have to.” It never hurts to
tell them you saw them in ION and even
to say “thank you.”
We started with 48 pages black and
white. Today, we have 100 pages - all
color. We had 116 pages in April for
Pride. We started in a home office, now
we are in a 2,300 sq. ft. office in the
heart of the GLBTQ community, and
have donated over $100,000 in advertising to benefit local charities, events, and
non-profit groups. I created the first issue by myself, now we have over twenty
contributors.
The only voice that matters is yours at
the polls or when you put your neck out
to change the world. Because one by
one, we can. You can.
For this month only, I have resurrected a
12
I hope you enjoy this look back into the
last seven years. It was very nostalgic
and emotional for us to create it. It is
nice to look back and appreciate how far
we have come and our community.
Jack Tesorero
Publisher
13
13
ION ARIZONA CENTER
3819 North 3rd Street Ste. #10, Phoenix, AZ 85012
(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939
www.IONAZ.com
CREATIVE DIRECTOR
Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 .................. editor@ionaz.com
EDITOR AND CONTENT CZAR
Deon Brown ................................. deon@ionaz.com
PRODUCTION & OFFICE MANAGER
production@ionaz.com
ADVERTISING SALES
Jack Tesorero, Ext 6 ................. adsales@Ionaz.com
PHOTOGRAPHERS:
Carl James
Richard Bolinski
Don Thompson
Mike Chesworth
NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE
Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863
CONTRIBUTORS:
Dave Jackson
Kevin Bushaw
Ted Kirby
Wes Bergman
David Alan Maxey
Addison DeWitt
Kim Ruff
Helena Grayson
Paul Sanchez
Gary Guerin
TO GROW YOUR BUSINESS,
CALL (602) 308-4662.
Published monthly by
© 2008 Tesorero Omni Media
a JMT Designs, Inc. company
PUBLISHER
Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jackt@ionaz.com
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
PRINTED IN THE USA
All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine
remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced,
altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited
usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.
NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily
reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent
company.
Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication
of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To
our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION
Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted
by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and
they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see
a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will
remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos,
and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding
that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper
written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials
of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for
unlawful use of such content.
14
ION PUMPHOUSE II
16
17
San Diego Pride
Boycott’s 3rd Anniversary at Club Vibe
Hey all you sexy grrrls! Boycott celebrates their third
anniversary and Club Vibe turns two years old. They’ve been
partying together for one year now! Join them for their White
Party on July 12. They’ve got VIP service available and drink
specials all night long. It’s all at Club Vibe at 3031 E. Indian
School Rd. Visit www.boycottclub.com for more info.
Get out of the scorching summer heat and
head over to Arizona’s official beach: San
Diego for their Pride July 19-20. D-lister Kathy
Griffin will be headline entertainment and you
know how hot those California boys are! It all
happens at Balboa Park.
Music to Wear Tour Coming to Splash Bash
Phoenix was just added to the Andrew Christian “Music to Wear”
Tour featuring DJ Kimberly S at the Coors Light Splash Bash
Labor Day Weekend. In additioin to the huge Saturday pool
party, there is a Sunday Tea Dance and, just added, a Labor Day
party for the ladies. The event is held at the Clarendon Hotel in
Phoenix. Reserve your room before July 31st and get ANY room
for $79 a night. Call (602) CLARENDON.
Made in the Shade Beer Tasting Festival
Ben Franklin said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us
to be happy.” You’ll be real happy at the Made in the Shade Beer
Tasting Festival in cool Flagstaff. Over 50 breweries from all over
the Southwest will be there. It all happens July 12 at the Coconino
County Fairgrounds in Fort Tuthill County Park. Take exit 337 off of
1-17 to get there. And don’t drive home drunk. Cheers!
ION Magazine & Switch Anniversary Parties
Two anniversaries, one great big party! ION Magazine turns
seven years old, and those whippersnappers at Switch are
one year old! And everybody’s invited to join the celebration!
Switch will be serving free food, free Italian sodas, $1 signature
cocktails, giveaways and much more! It all happens Saturday,
July 19 from 3 p.m.-6 p.m. at Switch. 2603 N. Central Ave.
American Idol Auditions
Calling all songbirds! If you can sing or if you’re just some kind of
weird freak that wants Simon Cowell to insult you on national TV,
here’s your big chance! The mother of all singing competitions comes
to Phoenix to find who’s got the talent to be called an American Idol. It
all happens at the Jobing.com Arena on July 25. Dancers from Dick’s
Cabaret encouraged to audition.
Shootout on Whiskey Row
See how the West was won and ended up with a few bullet holes
in the process. The Prescott Regulars and Their Shady Ladies
are staging some rootin’-tootin’ gunfights and historic skits on
Whiskey Row on July 26 & 27 in beautiful Prescott. See you
there, varmints!
18
ION SPECIAL EVENTS CALENDAR
DATE
EVENT
LOCATION
Th, Sat
Flashlight Tours
Desert Botanical Garden
Phoenix
6
Bellydance Lessons
Bookman’s
Phoenix
11, 18, 25 Starry Safari
Phoenix Zoo
Phoenix
11
New Works Festival
Phoenix Theatre
Phoenix
12
Monsoon Madness
Founders Park
Queen Creek
12
Beer Festival
Coconino Cty. Fairgrounds
Flagstaff
18
Mighty Mud Mania
Chaparral Park
Scottsdale
18
Summer Splash Festival
Downtown Chandler
Chandler
19
ION & Switch Party
Switch
Phoenix
19, 20
Crossroads of the West Gun Show
23
Improv Theatre
Trunk Space
Phoenix
25
American Idol Auditions
Jobing.com Arena
Glendale
26, 27
Whiskey Row Shootout
Whiskey Row
Prescott
19
CITY
AZ State Fairgrounds, Phoenix
20
Hippiefest
Like, wow, man! It’s a flashback of flower-power from the 60s
& 70s! See Eric Burdon & The Animals, (House of the Rising
Sun), The Turtles (Happy Together), lesbian fave, Janis Ian (At
Seventeen) & more! Your parents will know these songs. Go ask
Alice July 11 at The Dodge Theatre, 400 W. Washington or get
tix at livenation.com or visit www.hippiefest.net
Less Than Jake
This multi-headed ska/punk band describes
their music as “unfiltered and over-amplified.”
See them on July 23 at the Marquee Theatre
at 730 N. Mill Ave. performing with Goldfinger,
Big D and the Kids Table and Suburban
Legends. Get tickets at www.etix.com
JULY 2008 ION CONCERT CALENDAR
DATE
EVENT/ARTIST
LOCATION
1
American Idols Live
Jobing.com Arena
10
Toby Keith
Cricket Pavilion
11
Jonas Brothers
Cricket Pavilion
11
Todd Rundgren
Marquee Theatre
11
Hippiefest
Dodge Theatre
15
Collective Soul, Live
Mesa Amphitheater
17
Third Thursday
Tempe Marketplace
20
Jam Session
San Marcos Hotel
20
Steely Dan
Dodge Theatre
21
Boys Like Girls/Good Charlotte
Marquee Theatre
23
Less Than Jake
Marquee Theatre
29
Stone Temple Pilots
Dodge Theatre
30
John Mayer
Cricket Pavilion
31
Motley Crue, Papa Roach
Cricket Pavilion
31
Ringo Starr
Dodge Theatre
AUGUST
24
2
James Taylor
Dodge Theatre
2
Atomic Punks
Marquee Theatre
2
ZZ Top
Cricket Pavilion
25
27
Written by Dave Jackson
djackson@virginmega.com
Yo, DJ! What’s New?
In addition to these selections, look for
new stuff from Stevie Nicks, G-Unit, Alison
Moyet, Motley Crue and Thalia to hit
shelves this month!
Duffy – Rockferry
For those that don’t
have this or for
those that haven’t
been introduced
to what will be
one of 2008’s best
albums, now’s
your chance to get
acquainted. This
delicious UK songstress provides massive
appeal in an Amy Winehouse fashion with
grittier vocals and a clearer draw to pop
music. First single, “Mercy” is palatable
with its classic soul throwback, while
“I’m Scared” and “Delayed Devotion” just
plain deliver. Other tracks of note include
“Warwick Avenue” and “Stepping Stone.”
This will have Grammy written all over it
next year.
Katy Perry – One of the Boys
After winning fans
over with her EP
last November,
Katy offers a
sharp, witty poprock album full of
guilty pleasures.
Her sound is a
combination of a
stylish Pink, a sassy Lily Allen and smarter
Avril Lavigne. Lead single, “Kissed a Girl,”
has become an instant hit with its attitude
and catchy hooks, while “Hot N Cold”
grooves with a solid baseline and beat. And
of course the song “U R So Gay” adorns
the record and only proves why many have
jumped on the bandwagon, including the
queen of pop herself, Madonna.
Soundtrack – Mamma Mia
As if Abba Gold and the cast recording
weren’t enough, now you can add the
movie soundtrack to your collection.
However, there’s
something
not quite right
hearing “James
Bond” sing
“Voules-Vouz”
and “Gimme,
Gimme, Gimme.”
Meryl Streep
nevertheless, does a fine job and
successfully adds another accolade to her
amazing career. She gets great production
help from her cast as well as glossy postproduction. And I hear Benny and Bjorn
possibly make a cameo in the movie. Now
that’s entertainment!
Presets - Apocalypso
For something
different, check
this out. Take the
80’s sounds of Yaz
and Information
Society, add
distorted Depeche
Mode and mix
it up with The
Killers and Junior Senior to get this bold
album. Tracks “This Boy’s in Love” and
“Talk Like That” are perfect introductions
to the overall electro-techno funk vibe that
is woven throughout, while the haunting
“If I Know You” is just mesmerizing. And
don’t let the names “Aeons” and “YippiyoAy” scare you away; for they give amazing
support to one of 2008’s most daring
albums.
In other music news, two of my favorite
acts will have albums out by year’s end.
Snow Patrol, my #1 album of 2006 is
about a month into recording. According to
frontman Lightbody, much “loveliness” will
fill this third release. And Jem’s sophomore
release, “Earth” is set for September.
Working with Greg Kurstin (Lily Allen,
Kylie), expect a hip, edgier sound. To get
a taste, check out her first single on the
Sex and the City Soundtrack. Until next
month …
29
ION PRIDE IN THE PINES
30
31
Hal Sparks
You liked him on Talk Soup. You loved him on Queer as Folk.
Chicago’s Funniest Teenager may be all grown up now but
he’s still adorable, talented and ready to tickle your funny
bones at the Comedy Spot Comedy Club at 7117 E. 3rd St. in
Scottsdale on July 25 & 26. Call 480-945-4422 or go to
www.thecomedyspot.net for tix.
Eddie Izzard: “Stripped”
“I’m two lesbians in a man’s body.” Now’s your big chance to
see the one and only, wild, wacky and enormously talented
Eddie Izzard performing together for the first time July 22 & 23
at the fab Orpheum Theatre at 203 W. Adams St. in Phoenix.
Tix at www.ticketmaster.com or call 480-784-4444. “He’s quite
confident for a bloke in a dress.”
Elated Entertainment Group Theatre Auditions
The plot may be hot, simply teeming with sex. A gay divorcee
who is after his ex. It could be Oedipus Rex! EEG is seeking
actors for five one-act plays at the Herberger Theatre featuring
work by the fabulous Kenny Thames. Auditions will be held midJuly for late August performances. Call 602-538-8241 for details
& to schedule an audition.
JULY 2008 ION THEATRE & STANDUP CALENDAR
JULY 2008 ION THEATER + STANDUP
DATE
thru 8/3
thru 7/12
thru 7/26
thru 7/30
6
9-10
12
11-13
7/11-8/10
18-19
18-18
22-23
27
EVENT/ARTIST
LOCATION
The Music Man
AZ Broadway Theatre
Shakespeare Sedona 2008 Tlaquepaque
Oliver!
B’way Palm Dinner Theatre
New Works Festival
Phoenix Theatre
Leslie Jordan
Herberger Theatre West
Picnic
Theatre 4301
Best Damn Comedy Jam
Celebrity Theatre
Novaballet
Tempe Ctr. for the Arts
South Pacific
Scotts. Desert Stages
Hal Sparks
Comedy Spot Comedy Club
Por Amor/For Love Playhouse on the Park
Eddie Izzard
Orpheum Theatre
Open Mic Night
Comedy Spot Comedy Club
33
PHONE
623-776-8400
800-768-9286
480-325-6700
602-254-2151
602-258-9481
480-994-2787
602-267-1600
480-350-2822
480-483-1664
480-945-4422
602-264-0402
480-784-4444
480-945-4422
by Kimberly M. Ruff
journalist and founder of Gonzo
Journalism, a style of reporting that
involves the reporter as the central
character. Perhaps you know about his
liberal views of drug use and advocacy
for psychedelics. Thompson was a
strange and interesting character. In
Gonzo: The Life and Times of Dr. Hunter
S. Thompson, director Alex Gibney
(Enron: The Smartest Guys in the
Room) explores the career of Hunter S.
Thompson, from his near-win as Sheriff
of Pitkin County, Colorado in 1970, to his
hands-on involvement with Sen. George
McGovern’s presidential campaign
in 1972 to his years as a freelance
journalist for Rolling Stone magazine.
Narrated by Johnny Depp (who played
Thompson in Fear and Loathing...),
Gonzo paints a beautiful portrait of this
extraordinarily unusual man. Release
Date: July 4, 2008.
Usually summer blockbusters are
formulaic action-thrillers and romantic
comedies, both requiring the minimal
amount of effort on behalf of their
audience for comprehension. Does this
make them bad? Hardly. Sometimes, we
just need to suspend reality for a couple
of hours. So what’s on the menu this
month?
Hancock
Starring: Will Smith, Jason Bateman,
Charlize Theron
Did you watch The Incredible Hulk and
saw how he not only thwarted the bad
guys, but he also made a huge mess
in the process?In Peter Berg’s latest
flick, Hancock, Will Smith plays the title
character – a homegrown hero to Los
Angeles who saves the day by destroying
everything in his wake. Usually, he
wouldn’t care, but after rescuing PR
executive, Ray Embry (Bateman),
Hancock starts to consider freshening
up his image. Despite the misgivings of
Ray’s wife, Mary (Theron), Hancock and
Ray partner on the greatest feat of his
superhero life. If you like Will Smith, and
are looking for some comic relief in your
action flicks, you’ll love Hancock. Release
Date: July 2, 2008.
Dark Knight
Starring: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger,
Gary Oldman, Michael Caine, Morgan
Freeman, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Aaron
Eckhart
The follow-up to Christopher Nolan’s hit
Batman Begins, we once again find our
beloved hero (Bale) facing a threat to
life in Gotham City, the Joker (Ledger).
Teaming up with Det. Harvey Dent
(Eckhart) and Lieutenant Jim Gordon
(Oldman), Batman must find the best
method to challenge his most difficult
enemy yet. This is Ledger’s last film
before his untimely death and will prove
to be a bittersweet experience for fans.
Release Date: July 18, 2008.
Gonzo: The Life and Times of
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
Questions? Comments? Reach the
writer at kimberlymruff@yahoo.com.
Narrated By: Johnny Depp
Most of you have probably heard of
Hunter S. Thompson, the American
35
ionmovies
by Wes Bergman
wesobergman@yahoo.
com
JULY 2008 MOVIE OPENINGS
TITLE
GENRE
RATING
2
Kit Kittenridge
Mystery/ Family
2
Hancock
Action/ Fantasy/ Comedy
PG-13
11
Hellboy: the Golden Army
Action/ Fantasy
PG-13
11
Journey to the Center... 3D
Action/ Adventure/ Fantasy
PG
11
Meet Dave
Comedy/ Sci-fi
PG
18
The Dark Knight
Action/ Crime/ Drama/ Mystery
PG-13
18
Mamma Mia!
Musical/ Comedy/ Romance
PG-13
18
Space Chimps
Animation/ Adventure/ Comedy
G
25
Step Brothers
Comedy
R
25
The X files: I Want to Believe Sci-Fi/ Mystery
NYR
R
I feel so special this month because
20th Century Fox, a subsidiary of News
Corporation, sent us a box set of TCMapproved Carmen
Miranda musicals. For
those of you who don’t
know this about me,
I am a HUGE fan of
Turner Classic Movies,
because they show
all sorts of oldies-butgoodies and part of
being a film fanatic is
appreciating the pictures
of yesterday. I’m not
necessarily a fan of
musicals, but I can
appreciate campy, glitzy,
Hollywood goodness
just as much as the next
guy, so I busted out my box of Crayolas
and colored myself tickled pink when I
got this prize jewel.
Most of you know Carmen Miranda as
the “Brazilian Bombshell” notorious for
wearing fruit on her head. In fact, you
probably just know about the fruit on
her head. That’s ok. That’s all I knew.
But being a serious journalist vying for
a Pulitzer Prize for composing insightful
film reviews, I did some research. Here’s
what I found:
Carmen Miranda was born in Portugal
in 1909. When she was only three, she
immigrated to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
with her family. At an early age, she
expressed an interest in Show Business,
singing at local parties and festivals
before moving up to radio. She acquired
a recording contract with RCA, made six
films in Brazil and did work on Broadway.
In 1939, she and her band went to
Hollywood, where she ultimately became
one of the highest-paid stars during
the 1940s, making a total of 14 films
between 1940 and 1953. Her stateside
success came with a price; Brazilians felt
she had become “Americanized” as her
Hollywood image as the “lady in the tuttifrutti hat” was not distinctly Brazilian. Hurt
by these accusations, Miranda turned to
alcohol, amphetamines and barbituates
for solace, a choice that weakened her
heart and cost her her life at the early age
of 46.
A sad ending to a
brilliant career. Miranda’s
exposure helped
popularize the Samba
and educated Americans
about some aspects,
albeit inaccurate ones, of
Latin American culture.
That was the 1940s
Hollywood. What did
you expect? Ah, yes
– dance and song! Well,
The Carmen Miranda
Collection has those in
spades (or bananas):
The Gang’s All Here
If you see the words “musical” and
“Busby Berkeley” together, you’re
guaranteed to see some serious magic.
In this film, James Ellison plays a soldier
who falls in love with a chorus girl (Alice
Faye) before being shipped overseas.
When he comes back home, his father
has arranged a marriage for him, one
that could cost him his girlfriend, but not if
Dorita (Miranda) can help it.
Something for the Boys
Here, Miranda is one of three cousins
(Viviane Blaine, Phil Silvers) who inherit
a parcel of land in Texas. In order to get
some much needed revenue, they opt to
put on a show.
Other films include: Greenwich Village
(with Don Ameche), Doll Face (based on
a book by Gypsy Rose Lee), and If I’m
Lucky (with Perry Como).
If you want something over the top,
filled with awesome choreographed
dance numbers, fabulous costumes and
extravagent settings, check this out.
Questions? Comments? Reach the writer
at wesobergman@yahoo.com
37
ION EQUALITY ARIZONA DINNER
ANNIVERSARY
PARTY AT
SWITCH
A
LOOK
BACK
THEN
2001-2008
There are the Seven Wonders of the
World. There’s The Magnificent Seven.
Snow White had Seven Dwarfs. You
can sail the Seven Seas. Everybody
hears about the Seven Deadly Sins,
but did you know there are also Seven
Virtues? Video gamers know that Sonic
the Hedgehog collected seven Chaos
Emeralds. Mathematically, Lucky Seven
is the smallest “happy number.”
We’re happy, too.
There
are
the
NOW
Seven
Hills of
Rome.
�������� ��������
IONAZ
Premier
Issue
July
����
����
Seinfeld’s George Costanza wanted
to name his first-born “Seven” after
baseball great Mickey Mantle’s uniform
number. And who could forget Bond.
James Bond. Agent 007. Seven is a
prime number and ION has just reached
its prime.
As we celebrate our 7th anniversary,
we’d also like to call attention to some of
our friends and yours. We salute them
and thank them for their support of the
LGBT community and ION Magazine.
The saloon
called Charlie’s
which has been
a Phoenix fixture
for over 20 years
and some of the
best After Hours
dancing west of
the Pecos.
Yes, Seven! It’s
hard to believe
that seven
years ago
ION launched
its very first
issue in July,
2001. The new
millennium
was dawning and the stage was
set for Phoenix’ first entertainment
guide. Our premier issue was black and
white and 48 pages. It was then called
IONAZ (some to this day pronounce
it phonetically) Phoenx Entertainment
Guide. And now, seven years and 84
issues later, ION is full-color and some
of our issues have tipped the scale over
100 pages. So you could say that we’re
in Seventh Heaven.
Some bars and clubs and places
are a lot like Madonna – they keep
reinventing themselves. That’s not
easy! Apollo’s was once known as
Fatfinger’s and is Phoenix’s oldest gay
bar. They’ve been around forever. A
taproom on 7th Street once known as
Jan’s Canal Lounge became The Eagle
briefly before turning into Roscoe’s
Sports Bar. They’re celebrating their 12th
anniversary in August.
�
������ ���� ���������������� �����
����� ��� ��� ��������������� ����������
�����IONAZ��� �����
����
��� ��� � ��� ������
��� ���
��� ��� ������
��� ��� ������
����� ���
�����
���
Premier
����������
����� ������������
�����
����� �����
�����
������������
����������
����������
���������
���������
����
����� ����
������ ������
������
�����
����������
����� �����
������
������������
������ ����� ����
������
������������
������������ ��������
��������
�����
�����
������ �����
������
���������
���������
���������
�����Issue
����� �����
��� ����������������
��������
����� �����
�����������
������������
��������
������������
��� ����� �����
��� ����� �����
����������� ����
����
���������� ������
�����
������
������� �������
������� ����������� � ���� ��� ������� ����� ���
���� July ��� ����
�����
�����
����� ���
������ �����
������ ������
��������
��������
����
����
����������
����������
���������
����
�������
�������
������
�������������� ��������������
������
���������
���������
�������
���������
������
������
�������
44
���������
������
���
�����
����
����
����
����
���������
���������
������
������ ��������
���������
�����
����� ���������
�������� ���������
���������
���������
���������
��������� ��������
�������
������� �������
��������
�������� ��������
������� ������������
������������
������
�������������
�������������
������
������
�������������
�������������
��������
��������
������
������
�������������
�������������
���
����� ������������
����� ������������
����
����
���
���
�����
�����
�����
���
�����
�������� �����
����
����
������
����
����
��������� ����
���
�������
�������
������
����
�������� �������
��������
��������
������ ��������
�������������
�������� ���������
�������������������������������� �������� ���������
����
����
���������
���������
��������
��������
45
���
����
������
������
����
����
�����
������
2001-2008
2
A LOOK BACK
Barry Goldwater was born on the
site where Amsterdam is today, but
before it was Amsterdam it was a
place called Millie’s Flower Shop.
Amsterdam will be throwing their 10th
anniversary party in August.
Name Changes
During 2001-2008:
Once upon a time there was a disco
called Bullwinkle’s. It transformed
into the leather bar Trax before it
was Boom! and since 2004 it’s been
Karamba Nightclub.
Foster’s ---- e lounge ---- Melrose Place
Trax ---- Boom ---- Karamba
Harley’s 155 ---- Harley’s Too ---- Velocity
Anderson’s Fifth Estate ---- Club Forbidden
Misty’s ---- Z Girl Club
Ain’t Nobody’s Biz ---- The Biz ---- Club Vibe
Marlys’ ---- Taylor’s Tavern
World ---- Palazzo
Johnny Mc’s ---- Homme
Crowbar ---- Dwntwn
Padlock ---- Cellblock
Body Positive ---Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS
IONAZ ---- ION Arizona
Scottsdale is the hometown of JR’s
which became Mr. B.’s which changed
to Backstreet and has been known
as BS West for more years than I
can count. Here’s some trivia for you:
do you know what BS for? It is the
namesake of a past owner’s parent
bar called “Bread Sticks” in New
Jersey. What else did you think BS
stood for?
old place. We salute them all.
became Nasty Habits, then The
Lockerroom. It’s been renovated and
is now the popular icepics videobar.
Here at
And, boy, does time fly! We’d like to
share some of the milestones we’ve
seen happen in ION Magazine and
in our community with you over the
past seven years.
ION is proud of our community’s
heritage. Some of our favorite
hotspots are gone, but not
forgotten. ION saw a lot of them
over the past seven years. Some are
long gone. Some entrepreneurs have
taken the opportunity and transformed
into something better. Some places
lasted for years. Some flew under the
radar. Some have a new name in an
ION we
This is a flyer we sent out to gay
haven’t
even reached the
busineses to announce the coming of a new
Seventh
Stretch.
We sure
publication.Inning
Our headline:
“Phoenix
will don’t
never be
have
the Seven Year Itch! Sure, God
the same.”
may have rested on the seventh day,
but ION is always working to create
a publication to give you the best in
nightlife, entertainment, special events,
reviews and interviews, hot and sexy
photography and much more. And that
roll of the dice sounds like a Lucky
Seven to us!
McDowell Road is the street where
gals went to The Full Moon. It later
���
��������
����
������
�
����
��
���� �������
���
��� ���������
��
��
��������
��������
���������
��������
�����
��������
��������
��������
���������
����������
��������
�������
�����
����
�����
��������
�������
��������
������
����������
�������
�������
������
��������
���
�����
���
��� ������ ��� ������ ��� ��� ��� ���
������
�����
�����
���
������
���
�������� ��������
���
����� ��������
����� ���
������
�����
�����
���� ���� ���� �����
���������
��������
�����������
������
������� ������
����� ������
����������
�����
���������
��������
�����
�����������
����
����� �����
������ ����
������������
�������
����� ����
����������
�����
�����
������
����������
������
������������
������
����
��� ����
���������� ����
����� ������������������
��������������� ����� ����� �������������
���������� ��������������
������ ��������������
������ ������������
������
�������
����� ������������������
����� �������������
�������������
��������
��������
�����
�����
��� �����
������� �������
���
������� �����������
�� ������� �����������
�������������
������ �����
��������
����� �����������
�������������������
����� �����
�������
������������
���
����
����
����
���� ���������
������
���� ���������
���� ��������
���� ��������
����� ��������
������
����� ��������
��������������
�������� ������
�����
����
����
����� ����
����
����
���
�������� ��������
�������� ��������
��������
��������
46
����
���
������
������
���
����� ��������
����� ��������
������
���
��������
���
��������
����
�����
���
�����
����
����
���
�����
������
�������
�����
���� �����
����
���
����� ��������
����� ��������
�����
����� �������
����� �������
������
����� ��������� ����
�������
47
����
����
����
�������
����
����
�������
48
49
The Red Devil’s in the Details
Okay, you can call me a Devil
worshiper. No, I don’t mean Beelzebub,
Lucifer, Mephistopheles, the Dark
Prince, Lord of the Flies or Satan. I
mean Red Devil Italian Restaurants and
Pizzerias. Family owned and operated,
for nearly fifty years those wicked little
imps at Red Devil have been tempting
tastebuds right here in Phoenix where
they have three locations, plus one in
beautiful Pinetop.
politically correct? The devil made me
do it.
Red Devil makes a wide variety
of favorite pasta dishes: stuffed
Rigatoni, Tortellini Alfredo, Ravioli
and more. They have a great Stuffed
Baked Lasagna. Expect three layers
of thick noodles, seasoned ground
beef, sausage and a rich blend of
four cheeses with marinara sauce. I
especially liked the generous fennel
seeds evident in the sausage used.
Looking for a great way to spend an
evening? Go to Red Devil’s McDowell
Road location before you go to icepics
videobar and make a night of it. But
make sure you’re hungry. Remember,
they’re Italian at Red Devil and they
won’t let you get out of the door until
you’ve cleaned your plate. And it won’t
be difficult to do. Mangia, mangia,
bambinos!
You’ll also get a nice, crisp, simple
garden salad or soup and each entrée
is paired with your choice of spaghetti,
French fries or fresh, steamed broccoli.
And you know how important your
cruciferous vegetables are, now don’t
you? Entrées are incredibly affordable
ranging from $7.20 to $11.20. It’s easy
to make a pact with the Devil at those
prices.
I enjoyed a sinfully delicious Veal
Cutlet Parmigiana. It was everything
you’d expect it to be: large, thinly
sliced, breaded, deep-fried, covered in
rich marinara sauce and topped with
bubbling, mozzarella cheese. Okay, I’m
evil. So what if eating veal isn’t quite
You can’t ignore Red Devil pizza.
That demon Old Scratch has fourteen
different pies to choose from at either
ten, fourteen or sixteen inches. The
Red Devil Combo features pepperoni,
Expanded
Dining Guide
Coming Soon!
More great restaurants
to choose from!
50
51
served Monday through Friday from 11
a.m. to 3 p.m.
chunky Italian sausage, onions,
mushrooms, green peppers and lots
and lots of rich, gooey cheese on top
of a delicious, buttery crust. You can
even create your own pizza, too, with
29 toppings to choose
from. Pizza range in
price from about $9
to $23 depending on
ingredients and size.
If the road to Hell is paved with good
intentions, I sure hope it ends up at Red
Devil Italian Restaurant.
Remember, after dinner
you can find out just
what the wages of sin
will get you at icepics
videobar right next
door. For you thrifty
types, go to icepics on
Wednesday for FREE
Red Devil pizza and a
movie. Have a little Fire
and Ice!
Each dish is served
piping hot as youknow-where just scant
minutes after your order
was placed. However,
make sure you’re not
sitting under one of the powerful airconditioning vents. They can cool your
dinner off quicker than you might like.
Red Devil’s Central Phoenix location is at
31st Street & McDowell Rd. Phone: 602267-1036. HOURS: Mon-Thurs 11 a.m.
– 10 p.m. Fri & Sat 11 a.m.-11 p.m. Sun 310 p.m. See www.reddevilrestaurant.com
for more locations & complete menu.
Red Devil also provides a variety of
appetizers, soup, salads and sandwiches.
Don’t forget about their lunch specials
52
Meet the guys
This month’s Night Out introduces us to a cute
young couple, Kyle and Peter on an “innocent”
night out in downtown Scottsdale.
First, we took them to one of our favorite 24 hour
late night munchie restaurants, Philadelphia
Sandwich Company where they enjoyed their
huge hoagies. Then, it was off to dancing at
Club Forbidden for the 18 and over night
called “Respect is Burning”.
Let’s see how their Night Out went...
NAME: Peter
SIGN: Leo
OCCUPATION: Event coordinator
ORIGINALLY FROM: San Antonio, TX
WHEN DID YOU COME OUT?
When I was nineteen.
YOURSELF IN THREE WORDS:
Straightforward, driven, responsible.
FAVORITE MUSIC, MOVIE & SPORT:
Top 40, Action-Comic book films,
& drag racing.
TURN-ONS: Masculine, clean cut,
smooth guys.
TURN-OFFS: Clumsiness
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN?
Promote my events, sleep.
BOXERS OR BRIEFS? Boxer-briefs
FAVORITE PLACE TO HAVE SEX:
Outdoors.
NAME: Kyle
SIGN: Scorpio
OCCUPATION: Banker
ORIGINALLY FROM: Phoenix, AZ
WHEN DID YOU COME OUT?
Two years ago.
YOURSELF IN THREE WORDS:
Shy, Loving, straight-acting.
FAVORITE MUSIC, MOVIE & SPORT:
Top 40, Action-Comic book films,
& baseball.
TURN-ONS: Clean cut, good smiles, tall
muscular confident guys.
TURN-OFFS: Smoking.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN?
Go to the movies, sleep.
BOXERS OR BRIEFS? Briefs.
FAVORITE PLACE TO HAVE SEX:
The kitchen.
602-993-4567 phx
520-791-2345 tuc
Get a Date Tonight!
See ad on page 83 (Free code: 4448)
54
55
60
WWW.OUTTHEVOTE.US
Presented by:
AD DONATED BY ION ARIZONA MAGAZINE
ION JELLO WRESTLING
DOWNTOWN PHOENIX
72
73
ION SCOTTSDALE
by Mark Layne
Patience & Gaining Muscle
Gaining Muscle Mass
Takes Patience
Limit Excessive
Cardio Sessions
It can take a lot of patience to gain
muscle mass, it is really tougher to do
than simply losing weight. Remember
that it can take 6 weeks to see muscle
gains on a tape measure from the
time you begin a comprehensive
mass building program. Here are
some tips from me, with the help of
Alwyn Cosgrove that can help you to
maximize your gains in the gym.
Perform a light 5-8 minute cardio
session to warm up the body along
with stretching before your primary
workout but you need to save your
energy for the weight lifting program
during this mass building phase,
so don’t go overboard with cardio
on lifting days. On your non-lifting
days plan once a week to have a
strong cardio-recreation day such
as swimming, hiking or a basketball
game.
Focus On Compound
Exercises First
GRADUALLY INCREASE
POUNDAGES
For pure size you really need to
hit and exhaust as much muscle
fiber as possible. That means
compound instead of isolation
exercises. Some of the best
exercises are deadlifts, squats,
bench presses, power cleans,
pull-ups and standing shoulder
presses. Most of the time you will
build faster in a standing or elevated
position rather than seated or lying
down. I’m not saying that you
should avoid isolation exercises
like triceps pressdowns or leg
curls altogether but you should
make compound exercises
your first focus in any workout
then you can
hit some
isolation
moves
later in
each
session.
One of the fastest ways
to hurt yourself and
limit growth is to try
to lift too heavy too
fast. Be patient and
increase your poundages
carefully. Increase your
weight each time
you lift by small
increments.
There are 2.5
lb and 5 lb
plates for a
reason, use
them. Go
from a 135 lb
bench press
for 8 reps to
140 lb for 8
reps, then 145,
150, 155 while
keeping the rep
count the same.
Do this with each
DOWNTOWN SCOTTSDALE
77
Don’t Over-train Your Muscles
exercise and even keep track of your
total cumulative weight lifted in each
session.
Getting big requires plenty of rest. The
same reserves that help you lift heavy
also help your muscles to recover after a
heavy workout. One of the most frequent
mistakes people make is to let their drive
to get big also drive them to hit the gym
too much. It’s a balancing act and you
need to recover between workouts. Four
or five workouts per week mixing upper
and lower body during this mass building
phase are plenty to build big-time muscle
and don’t spend more than 90 minutes
lifting in each workout session. You may
want to hit upper body on day one, lower
body on day two then take day 3 off and
repeat this cycle.
Eat Plenty Of The Right
Kinds Of Foods
If you want to grow more muscle
your have to really take in plenty of
calories. That doesn’t mean to “pig
out” and eat junk food. For starters, it
takes fuel to lift hard and that means
plenty of the right carbohydrates.
Don’t let the various fads of no carbs,
low carbs, no fats and all of the
others derail your program. Stick to a
sensible diet and get a good breakfast
with ample complex carbs to fuel your
workouts. Make sure to eat protein
immediately after your workouts and
stick to 5-6 smaller meals per day.
Make the meals during the day a little
larger than later in the day and drink
plenty of water.
Mark Layne is a Certified Personal
Trainer and Owner of PUMPEDCUT
Fitness. He can be reached at
480.430.6282 or on the web at www.
pumpedcut.com
78
Vol. 2, Issue 4
JULY 2008
�����������
OUTRAGEOUS!
������������������������������������������������������
Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.
�����������������������������������������������������
Salmonella Tainted Tomatoes Kills
Vegetarians; Cows & Chickens Blamed
FARMINGTON, N.M.
– The recent plague of an
outbreak of Salmonella
tainted tomatoes has
raised suspicions
amongst tomato farmers
throughout the United
States. This outbreak
has sickened nearly
200 people in 17 states
since April. Vegetarians
have been affected in
record numbers. Cows
and chickens are suspected of spreading the
deadly bacteria among them in order to boost
sagging sales of meat consumption.
empty Petri dishes
scattered around during
routine early morning
gardening.
�����������
Vegetarians Against
Bloody Red Meat
Butchered From Living
Creatures spokeswoman
Bree Lowenstein claims,
“We know that cows and
chickens out there are
deliberately trying to kill
vegetarians in order to boost their edibility
factor. If you kill the vegetables, you’ll kill
the vegetarians and only carnivores will be
left!”
Ttomato farmers report that a consortium of
cattle and chickens are responsible.
�����������
The Golden Sprout, a strict vegetarian
restaurant in Berkeley, California was
“My friend Amber Waves was vegan for
forced to close its doors after several cases
������������������������������������������������������
twelve years,” sobbed Spring Baxter, 23
of Salmonella were reported. “It was the
of Santa Fe. “Last week she had a tomato
gazpacho,” said one victim. “I suspected
and
tofu sandwich and three hours later she
something was wrong when my waiter,
�����������������������������������������������������
was dead!” Shortly after Waves expired
who looked remarkably like a Leghorn
two Hereford cattle and seven Rhode Island
rooster kept pushing the gazpacho and Salad
Red chickens were seen driving away in a
Caprese. I complained to the manager and all
1981 Pontiac Grand Prix parked in front of
he said was, ‘Moo, moo.’ This is definitely a
the apartment complex where Waves lived.
conspiracy.”
Coincidence? You be the judge.
On the bright side, The Beef Council and
The tomato crops cultivated at Veggie Town
American Poultry Association are boasting a
Farms revealed cattle tracks and chicken
higher membership than ever before.
scratches among the furrows with several
�����������
������������������������������������������������������
�����������������������������������������������������
80
81
�����������
U.S. Mint Announces
Honorary Quarter for Mexico
WASHINGTON, D.C. – It’s been nearly
a decade since the U. S. Mint unveiled its
popular statehood quarters. The series will
be completed this year. However, Mint
officials have decided to add another honorary
commemorative quarter for America’s 51st
state: Mexico! And, boy, is Puerto Rico mad!
bankrupt nation is not only incomparable
and you can’t compare it to anything else,
either. And I am unanimous in that. Their
commemorative quarter will be worth many,
many pesos in their own country of the
United States of Mexico and worth about 16
cents in Europe. If we’re lucky.”
�����������
�����������
The U.S. Commonwealth of
“We’ve carefully considered ������������������������������������������������������
Puerto Rico, however,
the success of the
was less than pleased
series and all of
�����������������������������������������������������
with the numismatic
the
contributions
decision.
Mexico has made
for the U.S. and
“We can’t believe
decided this
that you’re giving
was completely
Mexico their
appropriate,” said
own quarter,”
one U.S. Mint
fumed one Puerto
official. “Look,
Rico government
without Mexico
spokesman. It’s not
we wouldn’t have
like they ceded their
chalupas or Cinco
������������������������������������������������������
nation to you like we
de Mayo parties. And I
had to. They even started a
don’t know about you, but ������������������������������������������������������
war with you once. Okay, there
I love those margaritas. Wasn’t
�����������������������������������������������������
was that whole Spanish-American
José Quervo their first president or
�����������������������������������������������������
War thing that we were involved in, but still.
something? It makes perfect sense.”
We gave you material for West Side Story,
Menudo and Ricky Martin, for crying out
The reverse side commemorative quarter
loud! Doesn’t that count for something?”
will feature a portrait of famed revolutionary
national Mexican and Warner Brothers
Plans for putting a portrait of the little
motion picture star Speedy Gonzalez and the
Chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials
date ‘1867,’ when Mexico became a republic.
on the front of the one-dollar bill is being
considered.
President Bush approved saying, “Mexico’s
contribution to our great, increasingly
�����������
�����������
�����������
������������������������������������������������������
�����������������������������������������������������
���������������������������������
������������������������������������������������������
Tornados To Be
Gone With The Wind
�����������������������������������������������������
town that is hit
SILVER
by a tornado
SPRING, Md.
contained a
– Every spring
trailer park and
tornados rip
gas station that
������������������������������������������������������
through Texas,
was demolished.
Oklahoma,
Scientific
Kansas,
Nebraska,
�����������������������������������������������������
research claims
Iowa and South
that if every
Dakota, creating
trailer park
a deadly path
and gas station
of destruction
in the United
through the swath
States is torn
of the Plains
down there will
known as Tornado
be no more
Alley.
tornado strikes.
Meteorologists and weather experts working
“It’s the darndest thing,” said Cletus
with The National Weather Service are
Argonbright, 67, of Meade, Kansas, a retired
excited to announce that they have discovered
gas station attendant. “We used to get two
how to successfully eliminate the threat of
or three tornados touch down here nearly
tornados.
every year. But a few years ago some fellows
from Washington come down here and tore
“We’ve discovered out how to������������������������������������������������������
make tornados
down the Shady Acres Trailer Court, the
are a thing of the past,” claims Dr. Eli
Sinclair filling station and the Union 76 but
Weinberger, research and development
�����������������������������������������������������
we haven’t had a tornado since. Sure, we have
executive
for the U.S. Dept. of Commerce’s
to drive 78 miles to the next town for gas, but
National Oceanic and Atmospheric
the twisters here are gone.”
Administration who sponsors the National
Weather Service. “If our meteorological
Scientists and meteorologists agree,
strategic defense plans are implemented, we’ll
“Tornados always strike gas stations and
never worry about a tornado again in these
trailer parks, so it stands to reason that if
United States.”
they’re gone all tornados will be eliminated.
Have you ever seen tornados hit an Amish
Trailer parks and gas stations are proven
community? I rest my case.”
conductors of tornados. Statistically every
�����������
���������������������������������
�����������
�����������
������������������������������������������������������
�����������������������������������������������������
�����������
������������������������������������������������������
�����������������������������������������������������
Arcadia Lemonade
Stand Robbed
up the wealthy, peaceful
PHOENIX – It’s a
street, screeching to a
quiet Sunday summer
halt at the lemonade
afternoon on Calle del
stand. A gunman
los Millionaires in the
������������������������������������������������������
wearing a fake Louis
silk stocking Arcadia
Vuitton hoodie charged
neighborhood of east
in shouting, “Give me
�����������������������������������������������������
Phoenix.
Temperatures
all your money or I’ll
are climbing steadily
pop a cap in your trust
past the century mark.
fund ass!”
The quaint, time
honored tradition
After a heated
of an old fashioned
discussion with
child’s lemonade stand
Feingold who initially
is operating selling
refused, the robber
glasses of the sweet
made off with nearly
beverage to wealthy
$675 in cash.
neighbors.
�����������
�����������
“That wrecks the
‘The Wealthy Arcadia
whole afternoon,”
Fancy Lemonade &
said Feingold. “I was
Beverage Emporium,
planning on depositing
L.L.C.’ opened for
that in our Schwab high yield investment
business on June 14. Business
owners are
������������������������������������������������������
account today. Britney and I have been
Britney Kaitlyn Cartwright, 9, and Simon
saving to open a new location in the Biltmore
Feingold, 7, both students at Phoenix
neighborhood. Construction is slated to begin
�����������������������������������������������������
Country Day School. Their “stand” is an
in July.” The pair is eventually hoping to
120 square foot, air-conditioned building
branch out into corn dogs.
in Britney’s two-acre front yard built by
Britney’s father, a successful developer
This scenario is not unusual. Lemonade stand
and financed by Simon’s father, a financial
robberies are up 200%. Twelve different
analyst and mortgage broker. An eightlemonade stands throughout the metropolitan
ounce glass of lemonade sells for $4.50.
Phoenix area have been hit. Police suspect
the robber is acting alone. His license plate
But last Saturday morning was different.
says, “LMN8 PIMP.” Please contact the
At 12:30 p.m. a black Chrysler 300, also
police with any information.
known as a “ghetto Bentley” came speeding
�����������
�����������
������������������������������������������������������
�����������������������������������������������������
85
ION AMSTERDAM
DOWNTOWN PHOENIX
PHOENIX NIGHTLIFE
88
1.
Amsterdam
718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown Phoenix
(602) 258-6122
2.
Apollo’s
5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix
(602) 277-9373
Area Phoenix
2104 N. 23rd Ave. (North of McDowell Rd.) - Phx
3.
Bar 1
3708 N. 16th St. - Phoenix
(602) 266-9001
4.
BS West
7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale
(480) 945-9028
5.
Bunkhouse
4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix
(602) 200-9154
6.
Cash Inn
2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 244-9943
7.
cellblock
998 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 266-5640
8.
Charlie’s
727 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 265-0224
9.
The Chute Men’s Club
1440 E Indian School Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 234-1654
C
Clarendon Hotel / C4
401 W. Clarendon Ave. - Phoenix
(602) CLARENDON
10.
Club Vibe
3031 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 224-9977
11.
Cruisin’ 7th
3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix
(602) 212-9888
12.
Dick’s Cabaret
3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 274-DICK
13.
Friends
1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 277-7729
14.
Forbidden
6820 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale
forbiddenaz.com
15.
Homme
138 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 266-0875
16.
icepics videobar
3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 267-8707
17.
Incognito
2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 955-9805
18.
Karamba
1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 254-0231
19.
Kobalt
3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix
(602) 264-5307
20.
Miami
716 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix
(602) 258-6122
21.
NuTowne Saloon
5002 E. Van Buren St. - Phoenix
(602) 267-9959
22.
OZ
1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 242-5114
23.
Plazma
1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 266-0477
24.
Pumphouse II
4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 275-3509
25.
Retro Bar
3114 E. Cactus Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 493-0355
26.
The Rock
4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix
(602) 248-8559
27.
Roscoe’s
4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix
(602) 285-0833
28.
Taylor’s Tavern
15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 867-2463
29.
Velocity
2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix
(602) 956-2885
30.
Wild Card
801 N. Arizona Ave. - Chandler
(480) 857-3088
31.
Z Girl Club
4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix
(602) 265-3233
89
Happy Hour 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4-7pm
Karaoke @ 9pm w/ Tim
$5 Martinis & Manicures
Happy Hour 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4-7pm
Divas @ 9:30 / No Cover
Happy Hour Free Pool
$1.75 Dom Bottles 6-9pm
$1.25 Drafts
$1.50 Corona 8pm-Mid.
$2 well & dom drafts
$3.50 margaritas/mai tai
1/2 price u call it 8-mid
Karaoke w/ Ron @ 9pm
$1 Beer 2-8pm / Karaoke
$1 Beer 2-8 / Strippers 10 Underwear Party 9pm
$2.50 All Day & Night
Jock Night $4 u call it
Karaoke w/ Ron @ 9pm
2-4-1 from 2pm-8pm
2-4-1 from 9pm-12am
Karaoke / $3 DnkyPunch
$2 Domestic Beer
$5 Grey Goose
2-4-1 (Hotspot)
Karaoke @ 9pm
$2 Pitchers 2-7pm
.75 Happy Hr. 7-9pm
$2 Long Islands
1/2 off - w/only Undies
$2 Specials / 2-Steppin’
$2.50 L.Islnds @ 7pm
$2 Ptchrs/ 2-4-1 @ 7pm
Paco Paco & Drag
Boycott - $5 Martinis
$2 Corona @ dom pitch
CLOSED
CLOSED
Sandras Ecstasis
Dia. & Studs - 1/2 beer
Afterhrs.-Dance ‘til 4am
Afterhrs.-Dance ‘til 4am
CLOSED
CLOSED
CLOSED
CLOSED
CLOSED
Prizes and giveaways
Prizes and giveaways
Service Industry 1/2 off
2-4-1 Dances
$5OFF w/ ION Keychain
Myspace Wednesdays
$5OFF w/ ION Keychain
2-4-1 5-10p/$5 ‘tinis 5-8
2-4-1 8-10pm (Hotspot)
$2 drafts Skyy Vodka
CLOSED
CLOSED
75¢ well/drafts 8pm-2am
Resspect is Burning 18+
Bling: Hip Hop & R&B
Happy Hour: 2-4-1 4-8pm
2-4-1 Show tunes 2-8pm
Drag Queen Bingo 8pm
Comedy / 2-4-1 all day
Free dinner & Movie 8pm
ASS - Underwear Night
Karamba Dancers
No cover before 10pm
$3 Pitchers w/Diamond
CLOSED
CLOSED
$3 Pitchers w/Diamond
$3 Pitchers w/Susana
Karaoke @ 9-close
Hotbodz/Savannah 10:30
Beer Bust 2-7pm
2-4-1 7pm-close
Dart tournament
2-4-1 well & domestic
Hot Bodz/ Drag 10:30
Beer Bust 50¢ Drafts
2-4-1 beer and well
2-4-1 ALL DAY
Bingo 8:30 pm
$1 Beer Night
Happy Hour / All Star Grill Lunch from 11a-7p
Karaoke 9:30pm
Diamond Dolls 9:30pm
Beer Bust
L Word $ drinks
Karaoke 10pm
Wild Card Review 9:30
Drag Bingo 8:30pm
$2.50 well/dom 12-8pm
$2.50 well/dom 12-8pm
$2.50 well/dom 12-8pm
$2.50 well/dom 12-8pm
$2.50 well/dom 12-8pm
$2.50 well/dom 12-8pm
$2.50 well/dom 12-8pm
Happy hour 11am-8pm
Happy hour 11am-8pm
Happy hour 11am-8pm
Happy hour 11am-8pm
Happy hour 11am-8pm
Happy hour 11am-8pm
Happy hour 11am-8pm
90
91
TUCSON NIGHTLIFE
ION BLING FRIDAYS
CLUBS, RESTAURANTS, AND NIGHTLIFE
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
Ain’t Nobody’s Biz
Colors
Howl at the Moon
IBT’s
Miguels Mexican Restaurant
Rainbow Planet Coffee House
Venture-N
Woody’s
Yard Dog
2900 E. Broadway
5305 E. Speedway
915 W. Prince Rd.
616 N. 4th Ave.
(520) 318-4838
(520) 323-1840
(520) 293-7339
(520) 882-3053
606 N. 4th Ave.
1239 N. 6th Ave.
3710 N. Oracle Rd.
2449 N. Stone
(520) 620-1770
(520) 882-8224
(520) 292-6702
(520) 624-3858
445 S. Alvernon Way
5335 E. Broadway Blvd.
5900 N. Oracle Rd.
204 S. Scott Ave.
3800 E. Sunrise Dr.
(520) 881-4200
(520) 745-2700
(520) 887-4800
(877) 670-9022
(520) 742-6000
ACCOMODATIONS & LODGING
1
2
3
4
5
PHOENIX
Doubletree Hotel at Reid Park
Embassy Suites
La Posada Lodge and Casitas
Royal Elizabeth B&B
The Westin La Paloma
93
Libra
Aries
Be brutally honest with someone. At first you’ll come off as an
insensitive jerk, but in the long run,
you’ll save yourself a tremendous
amount of time from beating around
the bush.
Get wasted at least twice this
month. Dance on the bar and take
the liberty of blacking out so that
you won’t remember the regrets
of your poor judgment. Happy
smokin’, drinkin’, and all that ill-ass
shit.
Scorpio
Taurus
If the shoe fits ... buy it in every
color and style! You’ve been second-guessing yourself lately, but
now is the time to get flossy, Flossy
- and I’m not talking about a trip to
the dentist!
Usually you’re a pretty practical kat,
but this month get kooky and creative. Ditch your everyday routine
and rock the boat.
Gemini
Get crazy in the bedroom. Your
partner could use a little extra
stimulation. Bust out a new toy
or try some raunchy role-playing.
Talk dirty or maybe even punch a
hole in the bedroom wall when you
climax.
Sagittarius
Cancer
Beware that if you party like a rockstar in July, you’ll end up paying for
it and spend all of August sulking
about your new “has been” status.
This month you’ll find yourself in
cosmopolitan company. Enjoy your
posh surroundings and savor your
new found sexy style and hip happenings.
Capricorn
You need a spiritual douching.
Take some time to cleanse your
soul and repent for your scandalous summer behavior.
Aquarius
Leo
You’re probably getting scammed.
If it’s too good to be true, it probably is. If you feel like there’s a
catch, it’s coming. Stay cautious of
sneaky cons this month.
Remember that it’s not your fault.
Don’t waste your time assuming
any sort of guilt or taking responsibility for your actions. This month,
take a break and be sure to pass
the blame on to other people.
Virgo
Pisces
Remove boundaries. Take a trip.
Go to the beach. And if your schedule doesn’t permit travel, there’s
always the option of dumping sand
into your bath tub and using your
best imagination.
It’s a cruel, cruel summer, but
everything will be dandy by fall so
stop complaining already, you pansy! In the meantime keep it cool in
the shade, kick back and relax.
94
95
by Addison DeWitt
If you can’t stand the heat, come
clean my kitchen. That’s what I
always say. The temperatures have
hit the triple digits and everybody’s
getting hot and bothered. Some
more than others. But there’s always
a little bit of good gossip out there.
Even if it’s at somebody else’s
expense.
“The bells are ringing for me and
my guy!” Looks like everybody’s
favorite misanthrope, BS West
bartender and resident curmudgeon,
the handsome Joel Rattner, has
finally found true love. Yes, folks,
it’s official! Our Joel has found
someone who can appreciate just
how much Joel really does hate
just about everything. I hear the
lucky duck who’s going to the altar
with Joel is a certain Brett Barry.
The two are planning their conjugal
matrimonification this November
and have even sent me an engraved
invitation to the reception. You’re
gonna love the Waring blender I
bought you, honey!
BS West was forced to cancel
a cabaret show featuring Las
Vegas personality Bonnie Bitch.
Apparently the porcine performer
had a stroke just scant days before
her Scottsdale debut. What kind
of a reason is that? I swear, some
people will do anything to get out of
a commitment. Here’s wishing her a
speedy recovery.
David Hernandez, our very own
singing stripper made good returned
for the grand finale of American
Idol where he participated in a
tribute medley to singing stall queen
George Michael. Now, inquiring
minds want to know who was the
wag at Fox that planned for little
Gypsy Rose Lee, Jr. to sing the lines
from Michael’s hit, Father Figure,
“That’s all you wanted … Just for
one moment to be warm and naked/
At my side.” Huh? Did the Music
Director for AI and Fox execs forget
what David used to do for a living, or
were they simply rubbing his hose
– er, nose – in it? Still, props go to
David who totally owned the lyrics,
especially the sexily whispered
“naked” part. I think I ejaculated a just
a little bit when he sang.
Spies tell me that la Hernandez
recently stayed The Clarendon
Hotel + Suites where extraordinarily
unreliable informants report that
he demands that the mini fridge be
stocked with Naked Juice. Where do
you people hear these things? Really
now! And if I had any shred of selfrespect or propriety I wouldn’t repeat
them let alone print them. And my
editor would delete them. But where’s
the fun in that now, I ask you?
Speaking of George Michael, wasn’t
that Pistol Pete Kelly I spotted at
the George Michael concert last
month? I wouldn’t have taken Energy
Radio’s hot talk jock Kelly to be a fan.
Michael, the talented half of Wham!
put on a heckuva show and does a
great impersonation of the 1990s
version of Clayton McKee, this
year’s winner of the George Hamilton
Tanning Open. Wake me up before
you go-go!
I went to the Dodge Theatre to relive
my Goth days at The Cure concert.
After I read some Edgar Allen Poetry I spotted hotelier Ben Bethel
and pal Mike Chesworth applying
eyeliner. Joey Sarandos-Durisek
99
(Continued)
Jesse. Is there something I need to
know, honey? The winning Michael
Cazier arrived with his pal, Tim.
and Thomas Sarandos-Durisek DDS
(the hyphens are silent) kibbutzed
in a skybox with Roberta and Tom
Anderson of Forbidden.
We’re in a Recession, you know, and
I’ll be darned, those adorable, cashpoor lads Chad, Derek and Ryan from
BrokeStraightBoys.com came to Bar
1 with their handlers Patrick Curran
and Jerry Lewis (no, not the comedian)
to entertain a bar full of lascivious
lechers and pick up a dollar or two.
Charley Bertini
saw the boys strip
to some ultra-sheer
underpants while
off-dutybartender
Scott Stowe and his
beau, the Darling of
Dealware, Shawn
Bailey drooled. I
divided my time
between making sure
those kids didn’t nick
my wallet and ogling
the bartender, Truitt
who just makes me
lose my senses.
I had a fab time at the recent Customer
Appreciation night at Pumphouse II.
Owner Chuck and his bar’s top-notch
manager, Paul, rolled out the welcome
mat for their friends and fans with a
delish banquet of snacks, shrimp and
deli meats. And speaking of deli meats,
I got a gander of the
tube steak those
stripping baloney boys
had in their casings
for the entertainment.
Gage is always a
favorite on the menu. I
went back for seconds!
Savannah, the
Pumphouse’s multitalented resident
drag queen gloried
all effulgent in the
limelight and pulled
all the stops out along
with gender-bending
glamazon Winnie
Gozinya. Bartender
Pandora always brings a little bit of
pandemonium with him wherever he
goes – and that’s a good thing. Who
wears short shorts? Next time you go,
be sure you get a load of bartender
Ranger Dale’s summer wardrobe.
Darling, it’s so you!
What up, dog? Bling Fridays was
inaugurated at icepics videobar
with those fun-loving folks at SWAY
Events at the helm – so you know
its gonna be da bomb. DJ Medik got
crunk at the turntable while handsome
Tim DePlanche hip-hopped with Kiki
Vermont. Gilbert Gamboa was seen
with a very becoming young man named
100
Yikes! There’s a lot
of other rumors start
circulating around town these days,
and don’t blame me for starting them.
I’ve learned my lesson the hard way,
poppets. Doubtless countless readers
have heard about the permanent
closure of two popular central Phoenix
watering holes and it simply isn’t
true. I encourage you to support your
local watering holes whether they be
scandalous, scrofulous or glamorous
and glitzy. Wherever you go, I hope to
see you there.
Send your gossip and news to a
BrokeGayGossipGuy. You can write to
Addison at RumorHound@aol.com
101
VAUDEVILLE CLASSIC