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The Undergraduate Magazine
Vol. VI, No.17
April 17, 2006
Seniors Sound Off
Our grads-to-be bid us adieu
Page 4 and 5
Across the Pond
Andrew’s had enough of France
Page 6
Squiggly Sudoku
It kicked our ass, see if it will kick yours!
Page 7
More Mauritius
DK tells us why his island
deserves a fighting chance
IRAQ:
YOU
BREAK IT,
Page 8
YOU BUY IT
ADAM GOODMAN | ONE LAST GOOD MAN
IT’S NO SECRET, RIGHT?
Iraq is clearly either headed for or already
entangled in a bloody guerrilla civil war.
America has failed and there is little point to
staying in Iraq any longer.
This mentality seems to be capturing
both sides of the political spectrum, with the
left triumphantly wagging their fingers “I
told you so,” and the right sheepishly whisCorey
Hulse
Hey Day, As Seen Through A Ziplocked Camera To Avoid Debris
pering mea culpa (see: Francis Fukuyama,
George Will, William F. Buckley etc.).
Regardless of whether invading Iraq and toppling Saddam was a mistake, there’s no question it would be a grave error to throw our arms up in
the air and declare Iraq a lost cause.
Admittedly, Iraq is in shambles. To vastly oversimplify, after the majority (and previously persecuted) Shia militias rose to positions of power
and began to oppress their former Sunni superiors, marginalized and
frightened Sunnis went the terror route in order to disrupt the democratic
process, a tactic to which Shiite militias have responded in kind, resulting
SHIRA BENDER | IN ALL SHIRIOUSNESS
in what seems like an endless cycle of sectarian violence. There’s little use
BY THE TIME YOU Spring cleaning to the max.
in pointing fingers now, whether at ourselves, at the insurgency, or at Iraqi
read this article, I will
The only explanation we ever got for this insanity was
leaders. Rather, we need to take a hard look at the facts on the ground,
not have eaten bread for that when the Jews were leaving Egypt, they didn’t have
weigh our options, and from there, pursue a policy.
at least five days. You see, enough time to finish baking their bread, so it never got
Firstly, is civil war in Iraq inevitable (or already occurring)? And if
I am a member of a tribe to rise. Hence, cardboard! It’s a nice enough story, but
so,can we do anything about it?
of people who throw to think that all that work and deprivation could come
That depends on who you ask. Our ambassador to Iraq, Zalmay
great Sunday brunches from a silly little thing like not having an EZ-Bake oven
Khalilzad, President Bush, and recent top political leaders in Iraq (Prime
and periodically starve seems like a bit much, I’d say. Has anyone ever really
Minister al-Jaafari, Talabani), vehemently deny such an idea. Meanwhile,
themselves. And if you’re stopped to ask themselves about that? I know I hadn’t,
political columnists and talking heads seem to scream daily that Iraq is
a Penn student, you’re which is sad, really. Why follow a tradition you have no
irrevocably engulfed in all-out civil war. That’s probably somewhat of a
either one of us, or you’re real understanding of? I’ll get back to that question in a
doomsday approach. Iraq is certainly teetering on the brink of war—it
wishing that you were so moment. First, the explanation.
would be overly optimistic to say otherwise—but there is still a diverse
you could tell those awesome jokes without feeling like
The truth is, G-d commanded the Jews to eat Matgovernment in place in Iraq. The problem is it has no power nor is it conan anti-Semite. Yes, I’m talking about the Jews.
zah before they left Egypt. In fact, they had a whole Seder
sidered especially legitimate. Still, the very fact that the most powerful
We are in the midst of Passover, which, in a nut- before they left. It wasn’t some arbitrary event that forced
and public Shiites, Sunnis, and Kurds, are clearly expressing their desire
shell, was when G-d brought the Jews out from slavery future generations to have to subject themselves to this
to avert civil war and continue the democratic process cannot be ignored.
in Egypt, almost 3,000 years ago. It was quite the spec- sorry excuse for a food source – it was The Man Himself
For the situation in Iraq to truly merit being labeled a “civil war,” these
tacle, and every year, we get together with our families, who told us to do so. The question remains: why, G-d,
leaders will need to have resigned themselves to such a fate as well. As for
and have this really long and ritualized meal called a why?? I recently learned a beautiful answer. What is
the question of whether we could help: no, America most likely would not
Seder, where we re-tell the story, eat a lot of Matzah and Matzah? It is the basic essentials of nourishment: flour
be able to do anything substantially positive if civil war broke out in Iraq.
bitter herbs, and drink a lot of wine. It’s a good time, let and water, and nothing more. Bread, on the other hand,
Secondly, if civil war does become the reality for Iraq, would that really
is about 80% air. It is pretending to be something else,
me tell you.
be such a bad thing?
But I’m not here to give you a lesson in Jewish his- something more. It puffs itself up to look nice and apAccording to a recent column titled “Let Them Have Their Civil War”
tory. Rather, I’m interested in what the implications of pealing, to taste good and to please others. Matzah does
published in The Washington Post by Professor Caleb Carr, the answer to
this holiday are for us today, as Jews, as people, and as none of this. What you see is what you get, and noththat question is a definitive no. He defends the Shiite treatment of the
ing more. When you get right down to it, you get the
college students.
Sunnis as understandable and just, and then impugns America’s right to
Passover and Yom Kippur. That’s today’s secular exact same sustenance from it as you do from its leavinterfere anyway:
Jew in a nutshell. Even if you are entirely unobservant ened counterpart. On Passover, we’re supposed to take
“Not only is it impossible for Americans to stand in the way of an inthroughout the entire year and fully enjoy your lobster that lesson from Matzah, and get down to the basics.
ternal Iraqi balancing of the scales, it also reeks of hypocrisy. We went to
sandwiches with pork sprinkled on top, you’ll go a whole We think about where we came from, and what our esIraq, according to our president, to make Iraqis free. If that is so, and if
day without eating food in the fall, and you’ll go a whole sential characteristics and values are, as opposed to that
their first decision as a free people is to declare war upon one another,
which we pretend to be and believe.
eight days without eating bread in the spring.
just as Americans once did, where do we derive the right to tell them they
So with that in mind, I ask you: how many people do
But why? You grew up that way, right? Your parmay not? We cannot, again, condone genocide (we can even cut it short by
ents did it every year, and you just figure, why not? It’s a you know who have hardly any connection to Judaism
keeping land and air units in the region); but neither can we any longer
nice thing, to hold on to something from your heritage whatsoever, but who still will not touch a slice of pizza
delay justice -- even if it is to be forcibly dispensed.”
and your history. But to be perfectly honest, I don’t fully on Passover? Even more than that, I know people who
There are plenty of others in the government, press, and academia
understand what it is about Passover that has such an go all out, with the scrubbing and the new dishes and
echoing Carr’s view. They argue that allowing the various religio-politieverything, and then the second the holiday ends, they’re
impact on people.
cal factions in Iraq to duke it out wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Carr, and
See, I grew up pretty religious. My family kept every- off to Red Lobster for dinner. I don’t get it. I don’t mean
those who agree with him, is utterly and dangerously wrong. If Iraq does
thing – Passover wasn’t even a question. And when I say to be accusatory or anything, I just find it amusingly
spiral into civil war, not only will thousands of lives be lost, but the future
we don’t eat bread, I mean we don’t eat bread. Nothing ironic that people spend all this time eating Matzah, the
government would almost certainly be an iron-fisted dictatorship. Such
leavened – that includes cereal, pastries, pasta, and any- bread of truth so to speak, without any real idea of why
an embarrassment for America in the Middle East (Iraq being our baby)
thing else with flour in it. That means an entirely new they’re doing it.
and such a triumph for terrorists and anti-Westerners would spell doom
I asked a few friends why they keep Passover. I got
set of dishes and silverware for those eight days, scrubfor democracy—beyond Israel—in the region. Conversely, success in Iraq
bing down the kitchen and cupboards and closets and a few stock responses, and actually I got a few people to
would be a hugely symbolic and tangible victory for the U.S. as well as a
bathrooms, cleaning out the pockets of your jackets for really think about it for the first time. One of my close
possible coup de grace for the Islamo-fascist terrorist movement. Iraq may
crumbs, getting a new toothbrush, and doing everything
Continued on PAGE 7
Continued on PAGE 7
you possibly can to rid yourself of the leavened menace.
THE RITUAL SKIP
Why Not Pass Over Matzah?
APRIL 17, 2006 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 17
Editorial
THE PAST, THE PRESENT, AND THE FUTURE
Vol. VI, No. 17 | April 17, 2006
The Undergraduate Magazine
Editor-in-Chief
Lauren Saul
Executive Editor
Anna Stetsovskaya
Editor
Shira Bender
Columnists
Shira Bender
Rob Forman
Adam Goodman
Mickey Jou
Andrew Pederson
Liz Thomas
Writers
Jae Bang
Kate Bracaglia
Dhinakaran Chinappen
Stephanie Craven
Thomas Haymore
Jessica Ho
Amanda Ring
Adreyo Sen
Artists
Shira Bender
Stephanie Craven
Yue Wu
Photographer
Corey Hulse
Layout Editor
Krystal Godines
Layout Staff
Isaac Katz
Michael Sall
Advertising Manager
Ruchi Desai
Webmasters
Rachit Shukla
Tim Potens
Contact Information
Kelly Writer’s House
3805 Locust Walk
Philadelphia, PA 19104
fcpaper@gmail.com
First Call has watched three separate editorial dynasties write, reign, and graduate. There have
been controversies (with Wharton Women and wily Wharton MBA’s in ye olden days), there have
been funding issues, and there have been exciting stories and exposés, including the Glee Club’s
2403 debacle and the tale of the horny horsemen. In spite of a tumultuous move from the Wharton
Journal office to the basement of Gregory to the Kelly Writer’s House pub-room and an internal
transition from a commentary on Wharton undergraduate life to a Penn-wide mouthpiece, First
Call has tried to remain consistent in its quest to provide a medium for thought-provoking commentary on the University as a whole and the world at large.
This year has seen a whole new crop of writers and artists grow as they contributed their wit
and creativity each week; it has seen a set of layout editors give First Call a smashing facelift while
a genuinely good time was had by all; it has seen the stunning replacement of a site-o-saur with a
new, truly interactive website; it has seen friendships flower; and it has seen First Call find its own
path in the midst of natural and externally-imposed growing pains.
What, then, is there to say about the future? The stars are certainly shining more brightly than
they ever have in the past. This summer the website will continually be updated with commentary
from our writers as they summer across the world, and next year will bring First Call to more distant frontiers than its creators could have imagined. No matter what the future holds, however, any
college commentary is only as good as its contributors. So, we will close the year with warm thanks
to our graduating seniors, whom we will sorely miss:
Stephanie Craven: A longstanding cartoonist who most brilliantly left her mark with her illustration of this year’s Firstcallism debutante (see the website for 09/05/05 issue in First Call archives)
and other punchy drawings, Stephanie also has written several pieces about reactions to her Classical Studies major. We will miss her artistic accompaniments to our writers’ work almost as much
as her hilarious anecdotes.
Mickey Jou: Mickey started her column with reviews of campus performance groups. After enough
a cappella and back-to-basics theater to last a lifetime, she branched out to movie reviewing, told
fascinating tales while she was on a semester at sea, and brought a kinder perspective to a paper that
could be too filled with attitude.
Sarah Ramler: Sarah joined us all the way from Melbourne, Australia for the past semester! She
was a regular helping hand at our weekly layout sessions and she also contributed some delicious
pieces of creative writing. We will sorely miss her fun-loving spirit and her spectacular accent, and
we hope to be kept abreast of her future spankin’ publishing career.
Liz Thomas: Liz has contributed an uproarious perspective on the week’s events for the past year.
Whether she was making fun of Britney, other fixings of pop culture, or world politics, Liz has occupied a unique place in FC that will not easily be filled.
And, finally:
Rob Forman: Rob is television’s next best bet. His poppy ipod collection, generosity, and easygoing
personality have brought innumerable smiles to the editorial and layout staffs (and DU partygoers).
He has spent the past four years contributing to First Call on all levels, starting with his cutting-edge
insight on TV entertainment in his weekly column, My Thirteen Inch Box. However, Rob’s biggest
accomplishment was leading First Call through a very difficult period, as editor-in-chief. Where
others may have given up, Rob persisted and fought on. We’ll miss you, and good luck in LA!
Web Site
www.firstcallmagazine.com
Submissions
Email all letters and submissions
to fcpaper@gmail.com.
Students, please include your
school and class.
Next Issue: Fall 2006
Editorial Policy
First Call is the undergraduate magazine
of The University of Pennsylvania. First
Call is published every Monday. Our
mission is to provide members of the
community an open forum for expressing ideas and opinions. To this end, we,
the editors of First Call, are committed
to a policy of not censoring opinions.
Articles are provided by regular columnists and writers. They are chosen for
publication based on the quality of writing and, in the case of commentaries, the
quality of argumentation. Outside of the
weekly editorial and other editorial content, no article represents the opinion of
First Call, its editorial board, or individual members of First Call other than the
author. No content in First Call unless
otherwise stated represents the official
position of the administration, faculty,
or student body at large of the Wharton
School or the University of Pennsylvania.
Yue Wu is a freshman in Wharton. You can write to her at yuewu@wharton.
P AGE 3
APRIL 17, 2006 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 17
IS THE SUN SETTING ON AMERICA?
BY THOMAS HAYMORE
At one point in what now seems to be the
remote past, it was said that the sun would
never set on the British Empire. In the past
several decades, the same sentiment was
voiced about America. But now many are saying that the American sunset has also come
and gone, and the sun, with cosmic precision
and irony, is rising in the East on China and
India. It is far from clear, however, that America is resigning its position as an economic,
military and political superpower and not
just weathering a temporary slump. Even if it
does retain its current hegemony, the United
States may not yield to the rising Asian stars,
but rather join a multi-polar world and share
influence with China and India.
Only recently have events seemed to support the idea that the American Century has
finally come to a conclusion, or has at least
reached its final chapters. Several weeks ago
students from universities around the country, including Penn and Tulane, discussed the
government’s bungled response to Hurricane
Katrina and its mismanagement of the recovery effort.
Community leaders complained that the
flood plain level for building and insurance
had not been set, necessary spending for temporary housing had not been authorized (at
the time), and long-standing ecological problems stemming from development of the Gulf
coast were still ignored.
Although Katrina is one of the more
powerful examples of American impotence,
the litany of other complaints is quickly approaching the Pledge of Allegiance in often
mindless repetition and ubiquity. The jobless harder than their counterparts in the West,
recovery has only recently allowed the un- America remains a young country with an
employment rate to drop below five percent. entrepreneurial spirit. The social welfare sysSkyrocketing oil prices and increased depen- tem in the US is much less burdensome than
dence on Chinese manufacturing vaulted the in Europe, where economic growth signifiUS trade deficit to over $700 billion last year cantly trails America’s 3-4%.
China and India, in turn, have their own
($202 billion with China alone). The budge
deficit lags only slightly behind at around economic ups and downs. Between 1995 and
$400 billion, and the national debt stands at 2002, China lost 15 million manufacturing
almost $8.5 trillion.
jobs while America lost only 2 million. InAmerican political and ideological hege- creasing international pressure to let the yuan
mony have also been severely tested, most seri- appreciate will likely lead to more expensive,
ously by the increasingly unpopular Iraq war. and less competitive, Chinese exports.
India’s growth was largely stagnant under
Other important initiatives have not come
socialist policies afto fruition or have
been stymied by
Perhaps this is the end of ter independence
until Manmohan
international opAmerican unipolar hegemoSingh, Finance
position: United
Minister at the
Nations reform,
ny, but that does not necestime and the
especially
the
sarily mean that America
current
Prime
Human Rights
Minister, liberalCommission;
will completely redesign its
disarming North
ized its economic
post as a world leader
Korea; preventing
policies. Regime
nuclear proliferachange, a frequent
tion in Iran.
occurrence in India, could lead to a reversal.
But the vibrant American economic and
Political troubles also loom on the hopolitical system has slumped before, only to rizon for the Asian giants. Last year China
recover. In the 1960’s and 70’s, America was faced increasingly violent riots over land and
burdened by the Vietnam War and a resur- economic inequality, and in putting them
gent Soviet Union. A decade later, it was stag- down faced renewed questions about its comnant economic performance and the Japanese mitment to human rights. India’s politicians
economic boom.
are currently debating whether to enter into
While, as Thomas Friedman indicates a nuclear participation agreement with the
in The World is Flat, the populations of In- United States; India has yet to resolve the terdia and China may be more willing to work ritorial dispute over Kashmir with Pakistan.
TO BE AUTHENTIC, À LA KOONS
BY JAE BANG
I ARRIVED AT B1 about an hour before class
was supposed to start. I wanted to get the front
row seat; I wanted to be as close as possible to
perhaps one of the most creative minds of the
21st century. I wanted to be inspired— I felt
like Picasso was coming to town.
The speaker wasn’t really Picasso—
although it would been remarkable if Penn
somehow managed to do that—but someone
who has been acclaimed to the, dare I say, of
equal merit in the art world. Jeff Koons, 51, is
an American conceptual artist. He is famous
for his factory-esque studio like that of another
famous American artist, Andy Warhol. Koons’
famous works include provocative Benality
(1988) and “Puppy” (1992). His works are
displayed in prominent galleries all over the
world including the Guggenheim. Koons is
also infamous for his copyright infringement
litigations which had resulted in consecutively
costly losses until very recently. His story is,
of course, far more complicated and lengthy
than this article can afford.
I certainly wasn’t alone in my powerful
enthusiasm over Jeff Koons’ arrival. People
were coming in couplets, massive artists’
groups aside. There were more people outside
the lecture hall waiting for the best seats
than there were diligent freshmen listening
to Shatte’s lecture on Unipolar Depression
inside. I looked around—half out of curiosity
and half out of simple boredom with the
mundane task of patiently waiting—and
encountered perhaps the most eclectic group
of people I’ve ever seen. I was sure that they
were not from Penn.
Everything about them screamed nonPennness. There were girls in bold and risqué
prints with bohemian skirts and Marc Jacobesque sweaters, and guys in decently-fitted
non-designer jeans and unique screen tees
with folded bandanas; they were anything
but average Penn. Of the few Penn students
who cared enough to part from the drunken
debauchery of Spring Fling, even fewer also
managed to make their ways into personable
clothes. We sipped spiked Italian ice together,
and patiently but eagerly awaited the thinktank’s presence. I felt surreal; I felt extra cool
to be around these people, and I felt creativity
in the air.
Jeff Koons was appropriately fashionably
late. He talked about his past exhibitions and
what art meant to him, and swiftly, I was
enthralled by his…“story”.
“I love knocking on the door…you never
know what odor will come out.” In a nutshell,
that is how Koons described his approach to
art. He said it was essential for the creation
of his pieces to preserve as much integrity of
the art as he could humanly manage, and how
he thought the inevitable sexual undertones
addressed the sense of existentialism. He
also mentioned that his work was created
after extensive consultation with his Nobelwinning physicist clients to achieve a new
height of physics in his art. He spoke about
how he utilized ready-mades and icons to
deepen the layer of profundity in his work. He
also managed to make several references to
the importance of perfection—nothing from
his original conception was to be removed—
“not even lint”—in creating his works.
But for all his explanations and their
evident genius, I felt that these were mere
details of his work, and aspects of secondary
importance. Rather, somehow I knew that
the heart of his work rather lay a proverbial
anecdote about the sense of possibility hidden
behind the door. He coined this concept when
he said, “Before this piece, [a stainless statue
of a wanderer in his Statuary Collection] I
was used to transforming ready-mades. But it
was this work that so obviously went against
everything that was Jeff Koons and my notion
of aesthetics that made me feel liberated.” By
allowing his inner creativity to override his
signature style, in this sense, Koons came
to experience the sacred idea of pure liberty.
My “Eurika!” moment was a little bit too
overwhelming; I stopped my fierce writing.
Actually, I stopped taking notes altogether.
As an ardent American who considers
creativity to be the noblest virtue, I have
always pursued the most original, and most
creative in everything I do. I tried to write
papers that either talked about something
new or something old with a new twist, or
draw things that no one cared to draw, take
photos from the most innovative angles and
proportions I could manage, and fervently
dress as uniquely as I possibly could. I tried
hard to prove my creativity to others, and I
tried even harder to prove to myself that I am
worthy of my individuality. I had done this all
my life, and still I felt inadequate.
I had always felt like I could only
dream of manicured and restricted visions.
Sanded down by societal norms, trends,
and customs, I felt like nothing was original
enough. I couldn’t help myself from always
and forever comparing myself to others. I
subconsciously obliged and confined myself
to be extraordinarily original—the dream
that was never to be satisfactorily fulfilled. I
became my own machine of self-perpetuating
paradox.
When Koons metaphorically opened that
door of unknown possibility, he wasn’t trying
so hard to capture the vision that was hidden
beyond the door, but rather, he opened the
door to let the world see what was truly his. He
said there is no system in creating his newest
collage; he spontaneously let his mind take
over, and like that he expressed his “vision.”
To Jeff Koons, being original means
creating seething that he can truly and
passionately love and defend; this creation is
what is so earnestly sought as “true art.” True
art, for him, deserves the unconditional love
like that which he has for his two adorable
sons. For me, true art is not so different from
true paper, drawing, article, or anything that
we so fervently wish were extraordinarily
original.
All it is to be original is to be true to
ourselves and have the guts to defend that
truth. I hope that with this semester quickly
approaching its final push, we can all be
little Koonzes and simultaneously liberate
ourselves from the dooming obligation to be
original.
Jae Bang is a freshman in the College. You can
write to him at jjae@sas.
In one industry in particular (besides the
military), America outstrips its rivals: higher
education. For the 2004-2005 school year,
there were over 550,000 international students studying in American institutions of
higher education, the largest proportion being from India and China. Higher education
is America’s fifth largest export. In this way,
as Friedman indicates, America not only stays
ahead of the economic competition curve
with its large knowledge base, but helps to
define it.
Perhaps we have reached the end of
American unipolar hegemony, but that does
not necessarily mean America will completely resign its post as a world leader. Instead,
it could join China and India as one of the
world’s largest and most powerful countries,
creating a multi-polar world. The billion
people-plus populations of both India and
China may dwarf that of the US, but America
is still one of the world’s largest countries and
thus able to support a strong domestic and
international economy.
In addition, America has in a large part
created the international financial and commercial world in which it is now competing.
America may be running at a relatively slower
pace in its race with some developing nations,
but its lead is great enough that it is likely to
retain significant influence and leadership in
the world for some time to come.
Thomas Haymore is a senior in the College. You
can write to him at thaymore@sas.
PRETENTIOUS
Continued from PAGE 5
sary to trek all the way downstairs and then
squeeze between the lockers and the study
desks just to pee?
38. Best bathroom to pee in for those who are
standing near the button: Second floor, College Hall. Check out the handicap bathroom
on the renovated side. It’s huge, private, and
it has great natural lighting. And there are
enough hooks to hang all your stuff.
The Wild Wild West
39. Best free musical programming at Penn,
but worst soundproofing: the Rotunda. Dynamic. Diverse. Best of all – free. But goddamn I want to fucking kill them when they
don’t shut up at three in the morning (I live
right behind them).
40. Number of times Amanda has called the
police to get the Rotunda to shut up: three.
Ok, four.
41. Number of times the Rotunda has actually
shut up because of Amanda’s phone calls to
the police: never.
42. Shadiest spot at Penn. Corner of 40th and
Spruce after 10 PM. Or the extremely well-lit
walkway next to The Rotunda.
Self-actualization at Penn (read: sex and organized religion):
43. Shadiest Penn fantasy: Having sex in the
stacks. In the BM or DD sections.
44. Best place to have sex at Penn: Not the Button. Try the stacks.
45. Worst myth at Penn that’s almost as bad as
having sex under the button: Living in the
Quad freshman year. Freshmen: live in Hill
House. It’s got camaraderie, social solidarity, and a dining hall on the premises! Wait,
what’s that? Postmodern communist-style
architecture is ugly? Fuck you. Don’t be so
superficial.
46. Most intimidating building at Penn that
possesses the best dining hall food: Hillel.
47. Best, or worst Jewish singles scene at Penn,
and in the country, after Manhattan’s Upper
west Side: Hillel, Friday night services.
48. Best four years of your life: Pe-wait. No.
High school. No, wait. Penn.
49. Most over-emphasized and irritating statement ever made by a Penn alumnus to an
almost-graduated senior: “College is the best
four years of your life, so enjoy it while you
can.”
50. Most under-emphasized statement ever
made by a Penn alumnus to an almost-graduated senior: “College was great, but moving
from Stinky Philly to NYC is even better.”
Amanda Ring is a senior in the College. You can
write to her at ringa@sas.
P AGE 4
APRIL 17, 2006 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 17
WALKING THE PLANK:
FOUR SENIORS’ LAST WORDS
HIT BY THE APATHY TRAIN... AND YOU DON’T CARE
ROB FORMAN | MY 13-INCH BOX
There are, then, these three means of effecting persuasion. The man who is to
be in command of them must, it is clear,
be able (1) to reason logically, (2) to understand human character and goodness in their various forms, and (3) to
understand the emotions—that is, to
name them and describe them, to know
their causes and the way in which they
are excited. – Aristotle, Rhetoric
FIRST CALL HAS CHANGED throughout my four years at
Penn, from the face-lift it received in 2002 to ongoing changes
in the writing staff. The opinions expressed in a college opinion
magazine change as students graduate and new ones matriculate. First Call does provide an opportunity that I wish more
students would take part in: free expression.
The first rule: have a point. The second: make that point.
It’s really rather simple. It’s fine to ramble, to reminisce, and
to share anecdotes. No matter how you frame or style your argument, you need to make a point. The point… that’s what an
opinion is. Persuasion is how you express that opinion. In this
final article, I will relate the story of how I first encountered First
Call, and why the existence of an open forum for the free expression of ideas and opinions is vitally important in modern times.
My prospective freshman overnight experience on April 8th
and April 9th, 2002 was a great experience because I got to legitimately skip high school, and I had a blast with my hosts and at
the classes and events I attended. I decided I would be spending the next four years of my academic career in West Philadelphia. Those two days also introduced me to First Call, one of
the defining aspects of my college life—I began freshman year
as a writer, moved up to columnist, joined the editorial staff, and
eventually became Editor-in-Chief.
First Call, the Undergraduate Commentary—the subtitle
has since been changed to “The Weekly Undergraduate Magazine”—was an unassuming eight-pager sitting on a table in
Houston Hall. I’d heard about the Daily Pennsylvanian. Everyone researching Penn has. I’d had some experience with school
papers. The Tower, Princeton High School’s monthly student
newspaper, had constantly rejected my freelance opinion pieces
because they weren’t assigned and they weren’t “news”. I didn’t
want to be a beat reporter, so apparently journalism wasn’t up
my alley. I imagined the DP would be much of the same, and
I wasn’t very impressed after flipping through its pages. It just
seemed so pedestrian. I had just heard two students debating
about King Lear in Wynn Commons (it was then known to me
as “that courtyard with the big, round stairs”). Where was the
intelligent thought? The biting social satire? The whole idea of
argumentation? Where were the opinions of the 10,000 undergraduate students who had enrolled in this ever-increasingly
prestigious university? What are they interested in, what issues
push their buttons, what’s going on in their minds? Certainly
the ten official columnists who write for the DP on a weekly basis
couldn’t cover the breadth of opinion on campus. And, no, they
don’t.
So, I picked up First Call. I’ll admit that it wasn’t because
the paper was particularly attractive or eye-catching; it was because Ryan Fagan had written an article on Buffy the Vampire
Slayer, pop culture, and feminism. I was and am still obsessed
with the show. More importantly, though, the article was similar
to a piece that I had written for The Tower, and had been immediately rejected as “not news”. The Tower had instead chosen
to publish a full-page spread on the best popcorn to be found
in Princeton, NJ. Imagine the chuckle-fest I had upon finding
similar material in 34th Street.
I perused the rest of First Call and found the content to be
extremely varied in topics, eloquent, and well-argued. I thought,
“This is what college students are thinking about.” It was a roadmap to Penn’s zeitgeist, whether it was a discussion of business
practices, an anonymous sex column, a pro/con argument about
a political issue, or a satirical fiction story about Judith Rodin.
It was exactly what I was looking for. Even better, writers were
In truth, the average student
at the University of Pennsylvania doesn’t openly care
about much of anything.
screened not by application, but by the quality of writing and of
the argument being made. I wanted to become involved, and I
joined in September.
As it turns out, I wasn’t wrong in my initial estimation about
what Penn students were thinking. I was just wrong about the
willingness of people to express their thoughts. In truth, the average student at the University of Pennsylvania doesn’t openly
care about much of anything. There is an alarming amount of
seeming apathy at this school. Apathy is cool. It isn’t just at
Penn, of course, but this is our microcosm. When the war in
Iraq began, I joined the protest rally and did an overnight Houston Hall sit-in, in lieu of studying for a COMM 130 midterm.
Maybe a couple of hundred people—on both sides of the argument—took to the streets to make their voices heard.
I knew this wasn’t what was going on in people’s minds. I
had countless conversations with people about the war, or about
whatever the issue du jour was (gay marriage, abortion, student
government elections controversies, etc). But no one was talking
about it openly or doing anything. It was okay to have an opinion
in closed quarters, in a small circle of friends—who, more likely
than not, share the same opinion—after all, that’s how tend to
we organize our social networks. In 2006, many people blog.
The people who read opinions on a blog are probably those who
seek validation of their own opinions and occasionally want to
flame someone else’s opinion, not people looking to have their
views challenged or to be persuaded otherwise.
In short, we have become very comfortable with preaching
to the choir and very uncomfortable with the idea of true persuasion. We live in a world of spin, in a comfort zone. I recently
heard Pink’s song “Dear Mr. President”. The song exhibits this
very idea. Pink and her father agreed not to speak about politics
because of their highly conflicting views—she is strongly antiBush—until she played him this song, off of her upcoming album called I’m Not Dead. He reportedly told her that she might
have been right about Bush. I think everyone should listen to
the song, no matter your thoughts on Bush—in fact, I challenge
those conservatives reading this to listen to it. I wonder what
effect it will have.
I love “Dear Mr. President”, but I love the story more. It’s
the very core of what First Call at its best can do: persuade. You
won’t find that in news reporting. It’s called reporting because it
is supposed to be about objective fact. Opinions aren’t planned;
you shouldn’t be forced to apply to be a weekly columnist in order to express the ire, frustration, satisfaction, or whatever you
may be feeling about any particular subject matter at any particular time.
If I can leave any mark at Penn, I would choose this: put
yourself out there. Never stop honestly expressing your opinions. Express yourself to people who aren’t comfortable with
your point of view. Have an argument. Have a discussion. See
an issue in someone else’s shoes before judging, before condemning, and before ignoring. Never take information at face
value, always question. Craft your own opinion before being
told someone else’s, and for the love of God, don’t agree just to
appear amenable or to win friends.
First Call is a fantastic forum for the expression of your
opinions. You have them. I challenge you to take this fabulous
opportunity to express them. It doesn’t really exist outside of
college unless you go on to become an opinion writer for, say, the
New Yorker. Without First Call, Penn would just have popcorn
ratings.
I would like to thank First Call for being my forum over the
last four years. I do not expect that First Call will feature opinions about television in the near future. Television may not be the
weightiest of topics, but I strongly believe that pop culture is one
of the strongest influences on our lives, and television remains a
huge part of that. Thank you to my readers, who have been proactive enough to contact me with television suggestions, or with
thank you notes for recommending something they would never
have known about otherwise, much less watched and enjoyed
(most recently Arrested Development and Veronica Mars).
So, for the last time… happy tubing.
Rob Forman is a senior in Wharton. You can write to him at
robertf@wharton.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN OF THE CLASSES THAT
ARE NOT GRADUATING THIS YEAR
MICKEY JOU | SITES AND SOUND
DON’T PROCRASTINATE. If I could
offer you only one
tip for your career
at Penn, not procrastinating would
be it. The shortterm catastrophic
consequences
of
procrastinating are
being proven everyday by your fellow stressed-out classmates
who are ready to cry like a baby at the thought
of end-of-term exams and papers, whereas
the rest of this very short list of suggestions
are partly cribbed from Baz Luhrmann’s “The
Speech Song” and partly based on my own meandering experiences.
Choose your classes wisely. Don’t be afraid
of English if you’re a math major, or math, if
you’re an English major. Keep an eye out
for classes that are worth taking, not just the
classes that take the least time. The more you
challenge yourself, the more you will realize
how many possibilities lie before you, and how
much more intelligent you are than you had
thought.
You are not as [insert adjective here] as
you think.
Study abroad.
Go to Penn events and be greedy about
student discounts, especially at restaurants and
cultural venues. Unless you are planning on
becoming a professional student, student discount is one of the greatest advantages you will
ever have in life. Think of Penn as an exclusive
club – with free or discounted athletic games,
concerts, gym membership and classes, and access to a kick-ass library.
Sleep. A lot more.
Find your soul mate.
Just kidding.
Be considerate to people around you and
try to remember that there is a reality beyond
Penn. Specta Guards, security officers, and
cafeteria workers are here to provide us with
a comfortable learning environment and it’s a
luxury, not our birthright, to be provided with
these resources.
Trick or treat at Amy Gutmann’s house
once, but leave before you get sick from ingesting all the sugar and the alcohol that your
friends snuck in.
Go to the Penn football and basketball
games once, but don’t leave before you throw
the toast or do the “whoosh” thing with your
fingers.
Maybe he’s on the Facebook, maybe he’s
not. Maybe you’re on the Facebook, maybe
you’re not. Maybe you’ll get poked by the annoying guy from Econ, maybe you’ll find your
long-lost identical twin by going through the
Facebook four times a day. Whatever you do,
don’t forget that there is a thing called reality
and the Facebook is no more than a handy contact information resource – not a way to scare
the crap out of your crush by stalking his every
move.
Annoy the UA by signing petitions against
what they want to do when possible.
Don’t feel intimidated if you don’t have a
resume filled with internships at The New York
Times, working as a research assistant in Madagascar, and spending a summer in Afghanistan
as a Red Cross volunteer. Everyone at Penn
strives to be impressive – you are here because
you are impressive in your own way. Do what
you feel that you need to do, not what someone
else’s summer experiences make you think that
you need to do.
Get along with your roommates. You never
know if they’ll turn up in one of your classes at
some point.
Recycling on Penn campus is a lie. Do
something about it.
Take a chance.
Everything you do has its price. Work,
class, friends, dating, partying, clubs, sports,
politics, dinners, coffees, lunches, reading, concerts, games, TV, movies, drinking, passing out,
midnight ping pong, being in student performance groups, going to student performing
group performances, residential programs,
community service, family: you will never be
able to do everything at once, and if you try,
you’ll find that you’ll do everything only half as
well as you can do than if you make a commitment. Or end up passing out during an exam
worth 40% of your final grade.
Accept certain inalienable truths: you need
sleep, not caffeine; there are always more things
to do than the time you have to do them; and
the SAS webmail server and Blackboard website will be down, usually at the most inconvenient times for you. When you feel like you’re
utterly overwhelmed and failing at the game of
college life, remember Green Day: “For what
it’s worth, it was worth all the while.”
A wise man once told a wise man who told
me: procrastination and masturbation are a lot
alike – in the end, you’re just screwing yourself.
So trust me on the not procrastinating.
Mickey Jou is a senior in the College. You can write
to her at myjou@sas.
P AGE 5
APRIL 17, 2006 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 17
PENN, THE
PRETENTIOUS WAY
BY AMANDA RING
All Around Beauty
1. Best all around wax including eyebrows:
Effie Xidous – Ettore Salon and Spa at the
Marriott Hotel. 1201 Market Street. 215-9289010. She’s only there Wednesdays through
Saturdays.
2. Best Hair, especially for non-hideous-SDTstick straight blowouts: Eduardo at Vanity Salon: 1126 Walnut Street 215-925-2211.
Goodbye, flat SDT-head and hello, Veronica
Lake…
3. Best manicure/pedicure: Nowhere. Save
your money and go to New York.
Sushi! (ie food)
4. Best Gelato: Capogiro – 13th and Sansom.
Truly, it’s the best.
5. Best cheap, non-pretentious sushi eatery and
take-away: Sansom Street Sushi Delight, on
20th and Sansom.
6. Most inauthentic,
yet very pretentious sushi/hangout spot which
tries hard to imitate NYC-chic but
ultimately
fails
miserably: Pod.
7. Best spot for NYC
expatriates who
are too cheap or
lazy to train it up
home to get a genuinely pretentious
sushi/hangout experience: Pod.
8. Best sushi/hangout spot for NYC
expatriates who
aren’t too cheap
or lazy to cab
it
downtown:
Morimoto.
9. Best dinner/postdinner hangout
place for those
who gave up on
faux-pretentious
dining experiences in Philly and who seek
genuine Philadelphian cuisine and an appropriate casual-cool mise-en-scene: the 34th
street Sansom strip. Shout out to the White
Dog bar menu and New Deck for keeping it
real.
Le Style
10. Best chic, trendy (and vintage) boutique:
Echochic – 17th and Sansom. It’s the only
boutique in Center City Philadelphia to carry
L.A.M.B. and Sass and Bide slim-leg denim.
11. Worst on-campus trend less obvious than
the Ugg boots/miniskirts combination: flare
leg/boot-cut jeans. Get rid of them. Cut them
all into Bermuda’s, and then get your soon to
be toned butt (see number 12) over to Echochic to pick up some slim leg jeans.
The “Bod”
12. Best way to get your butt and thighs small
enough to look good in those slim-leg jeans:
Pilates.
13. Most life-changing non-academic experience at Penn: Pilates. With Kimberly Ruf.
14. Best non-academic building on campus:
Pottruck. Especially the Pilates Studio.
15. Best fashion trend to try once your life (and
body) has changed because of Pilates: leggings.
Shop ‘til you drop!
16. Most fun and exciting shopping venue that
might just be more awesome than Echochic:
Off Fifth – the Saks Fifth Avenue outlet store
in Franklin Mills Mall. So it’s leftovers from
last season. But for classic, (heavily discounted!) Tod’s and Gucci handbags – it’s worth it.
17. Best place for non-designer-dud freaks to
get cool shoes and sneakers: Ubiq – 16th and
Walnut – next to Diesel (where you can pick
up their “Live Straight Leg” Jean).
18. Best place to buy all of the above if all these
places ultimately fail – and you’re too lazy
to Amtrak your now-toned Pilates butt up
to NYC: Shopbop.com. Also highly recommended for procrastinators or those with a
severe case of Senioritis.
Food Glorious Food
19. Best on-campus eatery for whiny and snobby Tri-State area expatriates: Gia Pronto.
20. Favorite café that’s more chilled out than
Gia: Metropolitan Bakery. Maggie, Green
Line Café is a bit too “out-there” for the riffraff.
21. Favorite outdoors spot to chill with said-coffee or custom-made salad: Perelman Quad,
on the steps. Or on the benches in front of the
library. Don’t sit on the grass. It stains.
22. Best lunch food for those sick of overpriced
café’s: Magic Carpet.
23. Best food
source in Philly for
those who don’t
like to buy custommade salads or eat
from food trucks:
Trader Joe’s.
The Penn Frolic
24. Most interesting building at
Penn:
Williams
Hall. Multicultural, multi-lingual,
diversity, café-culture: everything
Penn lacks, all in
one place!
25. Least interesting building at
Penn: Huntsman.
26. Best looking
building at Penn:
Fine Arts Library.
It is uber-quiet,
yet its lights are
way too dim for
proper alertness
and studying.
27. Penn’s ugliest
architectural decisions: Anything built during the 50’s and 60’s. Stiteler, Steiny-D, DRL,
McNeil.
28. Best example of what Penn academic buildings should look like: College Hall.
Oh, Yeah, Classes:
29. Best academic experience in the College:
any history class. Especially those in College
Hall.
30. Best department in the College: History.
31. Best History Professor in the College: I would
like to graduate. Email me. Ringa@sas.
32. Most useful Penn resource for choosing
classes outside of the outstanding history department: Penn Course Review. And a good
College advisor.
33. Coolest class I EVER took at Penn that I
found off of the Penn Course Review: Beginning Sitar I with Professor Allyn Miner
One Last Building Rant
34. Best example of College cheapness: Second
floor of College hall – half of it is renovated
and half of it is not. I guess the graduate student lounge and Professors Granieri, Hackney, and Breckman et. al aren’t as cool as the
History Department’s mailboxes.
35. Best demonstration of how a good College
department got stuck with a bad building:
the Music Department.
36. Most impressive demonstration of College
non-cheapness: the Bennett Hall renovation.
It looks and smells great. Although, I wish
they could have relocated the bathrooms so
they’re not so goddamned far down the hall.
And why on earth do they smell like airport
restrooms?
On that note…
37. More annoying bathroom situation than
Continued on PAGE 3
SELLING CAESAR
Pars Secunda: Employ me Please?
BY STEPHANIE CRAVEN
SINCE MY LAST ARTICLE, where I talked
about the difficulties of addressing the competition within the field of Classics and the
skepticism from outside it, I have embarked
on a new adventure: trying to get hired. As of
April 12 I have been listed with two different
teaching placement agencies, gone to three
different teaching conferences, had twelve
interviews, taught two sample lessons, visited
two schools, been offered jobs by two English
schools in Seoul, South Korea, completed the
Teach for America application process, and
written a 90-minute essay-on-command (in
lieu of an interview). It’s been a complete
whirlwind, with new possibilities surfacing
or disappearing each day. The strange part is
that I’m doing all of this to put off going to
graduate school – the same way many of my
friends are going to graduate school to put off
working.
The common strand pulling everything
together is Latin. My aim may be to someday
teach Classical History, but this experience
has taught me that, if nothing else, the ten
years of Latin study are the most marketable
thing on my resume. At the beginning of the
year, one of my past Latin professors told me
not to worry about job prospects, that Penn
always got more requests for Latin teachers at
high schools than it could fill. I passed this information on to satisfy my skeptical parents,
only half-believing it myself. I did not realize
how right my professor was until I went to a
conference in Boston. There I saw how much
secondary schools alone need Latin teachers.
I was waiting for my prospective interviewer to return to his abandoned table when
a married couple in their late 30’s who had
been teaching in China and were looking for
jobs as science teachers started talking to me. When I told them
that I was still in college,
they were surprised. “I
thought Carney Sandoe didn’t look at
your resume until you
had taught for two
years. What are you
proposing to teach?”
Latin, I answered. “That’s
why! You’re a rare bird.
A lot of schools are
looking for Latin
teachers, but there
aren’t that many out
there.”
What has become
very apparent to me
as I have spoken to
other schools is that
I’ve been riding a
very recent wave
of popularity for
Classical Studies.
While Latin was
a standard offering at the turn of
the last century,
the subject fell
from many curricula over the
years, with the number of Latin students
reaching its lowest
in 1976. I have seen
a rise in popularity even during my
own short experience. Since I entered
Ridge High in 1998,
my own school added two
more Latin teachers; at Penn,
the size of an Advanced Latin
(LATN 309) class has gone
from 10-15 people my sophomore year to around 40 my senior year. Until the department
assigned a TA to teach half of
the class, students were actu-
ally sitting on the floor. There are statistics to
back those anecdotes. An October 2005 New
York Times article reported the numbers of
students who take the National Latin Exam,
a test administered each March. The Times
reported that 6000 students took the test in
1977, the year it was first offered; by 2005 that
number had increased to 134,873. Even assuming that the exam has gained a reputation
among Latin teachers that it did not initially
possess, a 22,500% increase is staggering by
any measure.
I couldn’t tell you exactly what has caused
this increase. One suggestion, in a 2001
National Geographic website article, says
that the transition from treating Latin as a
purely reading course to one more closely
resembling a modern language course has
triggered a renewal of interest. According to
my father (who hated it), my professor (who,
I guess, didn’t hate it), and some prospective
employers (who just want someone competent enough to teach it), my secondary school
Latin education was not the same as theirs.
This is probably very true: in middle school,
my class spent a good deal of time doing Roman history, cultural activities, singing songs,
reading myths, making skits, and bringing in
food, as well as memorizing noun and verb
endings. On the other hand, my dad’s class
was a hellish experience involving a lot of
chanting.
One caveat of this method is that teachers
can spend too much time on other activities
and not enough on the language itself. My
high school experience had this shortfall, with
my heavily-tenured, well-entrenched Latin
teacher cultivating a reputation for an easy A
– I didn’t realize how bad I was after five years
until I pitted my skills against kids from other
schools at UDallas’ Latin-in-Rome program.
Luckily, while my high school education
may not have been orthodox, it sparked
my interest in Roman history, which
pulled me back to Latin and Classical
Studies in college.
In the process of interviewing, it
has been interesting to see how this and
other issues play out. I have learned about
strange curricula and I have been asked even
weirder interview questions. The best was,
“Do you think that Christianity caused
the fall of the Roman Empire?” No. But
we Classicists have more subtle ways of
turning your students into little budding atheists… wink.
Altogether, the search for a job
has been an eye-opening experience. Most irksome, though, is
maintaining the presence of
mind to realize that just
because Latin
and Classics
are important to me
doesn’t make
them important or necessary to anyone else. If I get
a Teach for America job,
you can bet that Latin is not
even going to be on their
list of considerations. I’ll
probably find myself fully
immersed in the realm of
the basic and useful, because
there are some schools that
can’t afford to ride the tides
of popularity.
Stephanie Craven is a senior in
the College. You can write to her
at spcraven@sas.
P AGE 6
APRIL 17, 2006 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 17
THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS
OF BEING ABROAD
ANDREW PEDERSON | BRUT FORCE
THERE’S truly no place like
home.
The
long anticipated dream
of studying
abroad in a
wonderland
of
Renaissance art and
idyllic chateaux far away
from a crime-ridden metropolis full of snobby future I-bankers and management consultants has at long last been beaten into a
bloody, unrecognizable pulp by the unrelenting club of reality. Despite what I thought
when I signed up for this academic *cough*
adventure into another culture *cough*, I am
counting the days until I return to the land
of food carts and violent gun crime. The
reasons are numerous and complicated, but
generally split between and exasperation and
nostalgia. I do miss you, Penn, and here’s
why.
Despite the often ridiculous ostentation
of the American
upper
crust, rich
European
kids have
centuries’
more
experience
being assholes behind
them
than
any mere four
generation Penn legacy. Whereas in Philly
the cracked out nouveaux-riches roam from
one Steven Starr restaurant to another in
search of a martini of a new and interesting
color, the continental Bourgeois give whole
new meaning to arrogance without flaunting
it so crassly. A case in point is the following
absurd statement: “As much as I’d like to be
around this weekend to work on the project, I have to be with my family at the chateau.” When all is said and done, even Ivanka
Trump doesn’t have a castle, or a lineage that
can be traced back to Charlemagne. If only
all rich students could be as unassuming as
the Top Ramen fortune kid.
On the other hand, in France one can find
the other extreme just as easily. The summer
of ’68 shall live forever here, and the most
obvious proof is the rag-tag band of Marxist
social science students at the satellite campus
in the restive, car-burning suburb of Bron.
Uniting against fascist imperialism under
the power of dreadlocks and unwashed, secondhand gypsy costumes, these brave bohemian souls formed the backbone of the recent
grassroots campaign against the CPE, the
employment contract which made news all
over the world over the last few weeks. This
merry jaunt back into the annals of popular
revolution à la Mao crippled the university
system for well over a month and caused millions of dollars worth of damage and losses
during the associated demonstrations. Just
this week, the government yielded to the
student protests and withdrew the contract.
Congratulations— now get a fucking job and
quit wasting my time.
As much as the hippies and ubiquitous
labor unions disrupt daily life to an absurd
degree for no reason at all, the government
responds with equally inexplicable and
equally excessive state sponsored violence.
The University of Pennsylvania Police may
be guilty of racial profiling, but the CRS
(Compagnies Répuplicaines de sécurité,
specialized French riot police units) indiscriminately knocks the shit out of people of
all creeds and colors, even if the lazy flower
children had it coming. Are you young? Are
you in the street? Are you chanting naughty
things about the government? Are you sensitive to high velocity rubber projectiles and
tear gas? Then your ass is grass!
Speaking of gratuitous violence, the
redeeming qualities of Philadelphia and
America in general, often overlooked in the
context of the folkloric preparation to study
abroad, have become increasingly obvious.
Eight months of separation have erased any
remaining negative feelings with regards to
Penn and amplified home’s positive aspects
to near epic proportions. In particular, there
have been three facets of la vie américaine
that have been lacking in recent weeks.
First, the concept of a 2 A.M. taco run
does not exist outside of North America, it
seems. Being the crafty people they are, the
French have secured themselves a 35 hour
work week. As a result, most businesses are
closed from Friday afternoon through Monday and never open otherwise outside the
hours of 9 A.M. and 8 P.M., leaving anybody
unlucky enough to be on the street during
peak alcohol consumption hours with few
options for food. Am I the only one who
gets hungry after a long, hard night of drinking? Apparently so. Along with apple pie,
NASCAR and obesity, drunken midnight
strolls to Taco Bell for 50 cent tacos are a true
American tradition, not to be imitated correctly anywhere else.
Along the same lines, European life does
not permit the same style of unchecked consumerism and orgiastic self-gratification
which truly makes life in America la dolce
vita. Recycling
and conserving natural
resources
is certainly
a laudable
goal, but
there
are
limits
to
everything.
For example,
saving the two
lemon slices leftover from the fish dinner or
communally hang-drying underwear in the
living room. Furthermore, the French seem
to have conveniently forgotten that buildings
are designed with heating systems for a reason: living human bodies need to be a kept
above a certain temperature, or else they will
cease living. Despite any empirical evidence
to the contrary, I’m now ready to insist along
with Pat Robertson that God smote the dinosaurs down into petroleum reserves precisely
so that we would not have to wear sweaters
indoors.
Finally, apart from any other possible
faults France may have, there is one grave
and unforgivable sin that stands alone as a
shameful black mark against the hexagon:
peanut butter. Sweet Sweet Peanut Butter.
Sadly, the French don’t have much taste for
this quotidian delicacy, which they consider
“too fattening.” Ahem. Fattening, unlike,
say, the pounds of non-peanut butter that
finds its way into every single meal to prevent food from being too “dry.” Then again,
the French would know about eating habits, since their women have been scientifically proven to be impervious to fat. French
women are somewhat less impervious, however, to a couple cartons of unfiltered Lucky
Strikes and a bottle or two of red. With a
bit of effort, however, I’m sure we could win
them back from the dark side of the Peanut
Butter Divide. What this country needs is a
giant fleet of Jiff trucks that distribute free
bagels laden with your choice of creamy or
chunky every morning before anybody has a
chance to even think about the calories that
they didn’t bother to floss out of their teeth
the previous evening. That and a few million
tons of butter flavored nicotine gum.
Despite all that is wrong with France, it’s
important not to let bitterness and disappointment overtake the equally numerous
enjoyable experiences that exist abroad. Take,
for example, the Irish guy in the Amsterdam
hostel who smoked half a gram of hashish,
ate a pack of shrooms and then proceeded to
spend the entire night in the shower making
conversation with the faucet. Certainly that
alone was worth the trip. In the meantime,
though I miss you all terribly, I will survive.
After all, butter is an acquired taste and the
occasional Marlboro never killed anybody.
Don’t cry for me, Pennsylvania. I’ll be back
soon.
Are you chanting naughty things
about the government? Are you
sensitive to high velocity rubber
projectiles and tear gas? Then
your ass is grass!
Andrew L. Pederson is a junior in the College,
studying abroad in Lyon, France. You can write
to him at awl@sas.
THE R7 FANTASY SESTINA
BY JESSICA HO
The platform started to move, sluggishly, and I knew
That two minutes later I’d be standing in the aisle
Searching my heart for you,
Wondering if there’s any chance I’ll be missed,
Searching my pockets for the fare
And wishing the train would take me home soon.
I always have a list of things to get done soon
Written on my palm; I think I need a new
Work-ethic. The right hand hands the fare
To the conductor and the wrong one I’ll
Keep facedown on the seat because I missed
Numbers five and six on the list. You
Say that I work too much but you
Don’t know how I’m always behind and soon
All the chores that I’ve missed
Will be reborn as regrets. I knew
It would happen when I glanced across the aisle
Out the window down the rails, and noticed just how fair
The skies were. The world’s not fair
But there’s a world where I won’t take you.
Across distant seas of thought, the isle
Where nothing needs to get done anytime soon
And the important things always feel new
Lies, cloaked in sheets and scarves and tendrils of mist.
Rounded peaks shrouded in sapphire mist
Reach toward skies that are always fair
And the sun shines with the brightness of the new
Coins on grimy sidewalks that you
Pick up for luck. I don’t need luck here; soon
I’ll be happy on this sun-kissed isle.
“Levittown! Levittown next!” rustling in the aisle
Accompanies the loud call I nearly missed.
The train and I will be in Trenton soon
Where the station is anything but fair.
I’m torn from the place where I don’t need you
And thrown back to the things I always knew.
Wishing for all the truths I never knew,
Soon I’ll be back in the aisle thinking of you.
All you need to do to ride the train is pay the fare.
Jessica Ho is a freshman in the College. You can write to her at yjho@sas.
APRIL 17, 2006 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 17
HIT ME BABY ONE LAST TIME PASSOVER
Continued from PAGE 1
LIZ THOMAS | THE HIT LIST
THEY SAY THAT THE BEST NEWS HAPPENS when no one
is looking (which explains why I just landed on the front page
of the Inquirer with trolley tracks on my face.) In all likelihood,
you spent last weekend staring eagerly into a bowl of Shells &
Cheese rather than perusing papers. And who knows? Maybe
you even found newsworthy material therein. Two birds with
one stone, right? Britney just went a whole day without a visit
from Child Services, proving that strange and miraculous
things can happen. But in case you did miss out, these are my
picks for the best stories of last week.
1. Some Parents Make Their Kids Pay for College: In a move
that’s totally bumming out lots of college students, increasing
numbers of middle class parents are refusing to pay the undergraduate tuition prices that are spiking faster than their offspring’s blood alcohol content. This unquestionably spells either doom or an
influx of state school students. Or lots of whining and groveling. I’m predicting the third.
2. Tanning is Addictive: Scarily, the effects of tanning are similar to opiate use, and scientists
have concluded in a recent study that people who tan frequently have trouble dealing with a lack of
ultraviolet light. The study was, in my expert opinion, financed by a coalition of sunscreen companies. Which explains why the report was sexily slathered up before submission. Sticky…
3. Gwyneth Likes Bizarre Names: Considering that her first child’s name was Apple, it should
come as little surprise that Paltrow and husband Chris Martin named their second child – born last
weekend - Moses. I’m thinking that Apple got the raw (haha) end of the deal on this one; after all,
she’s just fruit. Moses, on the other hand, gets his name from one of the greatest Biblical prophets to
ever sport giant pieces of rock. Plus, Charlton Heston as Moses kicked some serious Egyptian ass.
Is there any better version of success?
4. Soda Makes You Chunky: Although sales of soda have dipped nationwide, people are still
gaining weight from hefty frappuccinos, beer, and wine. Although I’ve never even considered sampling the last two, I can formally attest that fraps are essentially milkshakes peppered with crack.
Because I have sampled crack. A recent panel sponsored by Lipton Tea urged consumers to choose,
shock of all shocks, tea over sodas and other high-Cal drinks. The panel then fell asleep on a rocking
chair while watching reruns of The Lawrence Welk Show on PBS.
5. NASA Will Crash Stuff for Water: In 2009, NASA plans to crash a space probe into the moon
– a collision big enough to see from Earth through a telescope – in an effort to detect underground
traces of water on the planet. Why? One of the Bush administration’s goals is to investigate the possibility of living in colonies on the moon. Maybe the solution to finding water lies in beating things
with blunt objects. After all, it worked for Moses (not Paltrow’s) in the desert. Given Bush’s affinity
for all things church, I’m thinking that this plan was influenced by his picture Bible. The rest came
from a night of heaving, boozing and some bad mayo.
6. CVS Likes to Shame You: To the dismay of teenagers everywhere, many CVS stores now lock
their condoms in glass cases, accessible only by an employee of the store. While some are outraged
by this move, CVS spokespeople claim that it’s actually intended to stop thieves. Wait, is this an
actual problem? Now, I’ve been pretty broke, but life has never kicked me hard enough to inspire
prophylactic stealing. Rubber bands – that’s an entirely different matter. Don’t judge me.
7. Christian Colleges Will Accept You In More Ways Than One: Because of the huge influx of
college apps in recent years, more students than ever are gunning for traditionally under-populated
private Christian schools. These institutions, which faced dangerously low enrollment in the 1960s
and 70s, are now being bombarded by eager eighteen-year-olds. Jesus Christ released a statement
on Tuesday confirming the existence of a bargain with school leaders but declined to explain the
specific terms of the agreement. In a recent story, the percentage of Christian school presidents
sporting beard and sandal ensembles has skyrocketed.
8. Old People Do It Slowly: An 82-year-old woman in Los Angeles was ticketed for crossing
an intersection too slowly; the woman began crossing Foothill Boulevard but did not finish before
the light turned red. For the record, she was walking – not driving. A rise in pedestrian accidents
prompted the ticket. I’m trying to imagine a scenario whereby a cop would wait for a very slow
woman to cross a large boulevard, all the while contemplating the ticket he was about to bestow on
her. And what was the ticket for exactly? Slowness? Oldness? Unclearness?
9. Wear Dead People Around Your Neck: Eiwa, a Japanese jewelry company, has recently begun marketing necklaces that contain actual strands of a loved one’s DNA. Free spirited couples can
purchase interlocking versions of the metal necklaces, which cost upwards of $400 a pop. I don’t
know what to say about this except to accuse Eiwa of being an underground cloning organization
that uses necklaces as a front. Like mob restaurants, who use fettuccini alfredo instead of necklaces.
It is more creamy and delicious than metal. Trust me.
10. Moles Are Naked, Sexy: The Knoxville Zoo has just opened a naked mole-rat exhibit. Among
other things, the naked mole-rat does somersaults, sits around, eats, and generally looks, well, naked. There really isn’t anything left to say about this story. Go back to your Shells & Cheese.
Liz Thomas is a senior in the College. You can write to her at ecthomas@sas.
Hard Squiggly Sudoku #22
http://www.dailysudoku.co.uk/sudoku/index.shtml
friends even told me that he’s decided to stop
keeping the holiday this year for these very
reasons – he doesn’t see why he should do
something he himself doesn’t wholeheartedly
feel, and I agree with him completely. I think
it’s great that people want to do something to
connect to their heritage, but when it’s done
with no understanding of it, and with no belief
or even real desire to keep the traditions, then
what’s the point? I am a huge believer in tradition, but not when it’s only kept up to make
your parents happy or to make yourself feel
like you’re doing your part.
True to form, I am being a huge hypocrite
here. I too am a shopper in the proverbial
Judaism supermarket, basically picking and
choosing which practices and observances
work for me and which don’t. Sure, I keep
kosher, but I don’t keep Shabbat, I don’t wear
skirts all the time, and I hug boys…occasionally. I know I’m not one to talk.
I just really wonder: Of all the holidays
secular Jews could keep alive, why pick the one
that’s the most annoying to observe? I asked
this question at the Seder on the first night. It
was the perfect focus group; almost everyone
IRAQ
Continued from PAGE 1
not have started out as the primary front for
the war on terror, but it has certainly become
it, and that makes the outcome of our activity
there incredibly pivotal in how this conflict
will play out. One simply cannot understate
the importance of success in Iraq.
Having established that Iraq is not quite
yet embroiled in civil war and that civil war
must be avoided at all costs, what can America do to avert this disaster?
Well, as our increasingly less enthusiastic
allies would say, therein lies the rub, right? It’s
not too difficult to discern what needs to be
accomplished in Iraq, but it is tremendously
complex to implement. Essentially, the government needs to earn the trust of the Iraqi
people. Polarizing figures like Jaafari must
step down and Iraqi politicians in general
DRINKING
Continued from PAGE 8
said. “It also lets the kids know that their parents aren’t serious all the time.” He smiled.
“We can have fun too.”
I couldn’t agree more. Yuengling is always
fun, and drinking with your parents is an important part of growing up. It improves your
relationship with the people who raised you,
and allows you to get to know them as people,
rather than as parents. And while my mom
and dad still persist in their parental duties
(insisting that I “get a job” is their favorite),
P AGE 7
at the table keeps Passover very strictly but
does not keep kosher throughout the year. One
response was that they like the family element.
When I asked why keep all eight days even
when family isn’t around, I got some blank
stares, and I got the “because it’s easier to keep
something for eight days than for a whole year”
thing. I also asked my brother why he’s stopped
keeping Passover after doing it all those years
growing up, and he said because he doesn’t feel
he can observe some things and not others.
After speaking to all these people, and questioning all these practices and traditions, I am
left feeling like I need to play
devil’s advocate for a moment. While I wonder why
Passover, at the same time, it
almost seems obvious to me.
It’s the one that stands out.
It’s the one that makes you
painfully obviously Jewish,
without having to deal with
a year-long sacrifice. When
you see someone eating
Matzah while you eat your
Philly cheese-steak, there’s
no question he’s of the tribe.
Matzah’s our “essence”
these days. It has become
the ultimate fake-out: the
bread that hides nothing is
what so many of us hide behind. And while I would rather the traditions
be kept than lost to the annals of history, I have
a feeling that without actual introspection and
belief in the practices you uphold, you’re bound
to lose touch with them eventually anyway.
This Passover, take a lesson from the unleavened food you’re begrudgingly swallowing. Be true to who you are, and to who your
people are. If you’re keeping the traditions up,
figure out what they’re all about before you
walk around complaining about how much
you miss cereal. Basically, if you’re going to go
shopping, at least be an informed consumer.
Happy Passover.
Shira Bender is a sophomore in the College. You
can write to her at shiratb@sas.
must be willing to make substantial concessions to one another. The insurgency wants
Iraq to be bogged down in civil war—that is
their ultimate goal. They cannot be negotiated with. Given that, the Shia militias must
be convinced to show restraint against their
Sunni opponents, as difficult and unfair as
it may seem to them. It is then in American
hands to quell the insurgency, doubtless a trying but inevitable outcome.
It is for capable diplomats like Khalilzad
to see that these goals are achieved. If they are
impossible, so be it, but we must try. Caleb
Carr wants to lecture about our moral rights
to Iraq. Defeating the temptation to cut and
run, above all else, is our responsibility and
moral obligation to this hopefully nascent democracy.
Adam Goodman is a freshman in the College. You
can write to him at adamlg@sas.
popping my intoxication cherry allowed me to
see them as friends as well.
This summer, I can’t wait for Bracaglia family happy hours. And while I will still have to
censor some of my Spring Fling stories (such
as the time I drank half a handle of Banker’s
Club and threw up in the sink), I know the
experience will be nothing but enjoyable. Besides, at Mom and Dad’s house, I don’t have
to worry about losing the keys to my High
Rise apartment, and my parents never buy
Banker’s Club.
Kate Bracaglia is a junior in the College. You can
write to her at katiej@sas.
LASTCALL
THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE | A PRIL 17, 2006 V OL . VI N O . 17
MAURITIUS: THE
SINGAPORE OF AFRICA?
BY DHINAKARAN CHINAPPEN
AS THE WORLD TURNS into a global village, strategic outposts have decline. Despite world class hotels, gorgeous white sand beaches and
gradually emerged: New York City, Dubai, Shanghai, Cairo, Paris, Lon- very decent green tourism, the law of diminishing returns will disdon are but a few examples. In just 41 years, Singapore has positioned place tourism from its 40% share of GDP. There is therefore is a call
itself as the trade doorway to Asia, dominating the region in manufac- for transforming the island into the business center of the SADC. The
face of tourism has to change no matter what, simply because its present
turing, overseas, and tourism.
Our attention turns to the gateway to the world’s emerging conti- structure is too volatile and dependent on world security (events such
nent, Africa. Located 600 miles east of Madagascar, Mauritius, the Star as September 11th caused a 20% drop in tourism). The reputation of
and Key of the Indian Ocean, is poised to have one of the brightest fu- the island around the globe as a safe destination is central to the idea of
tures of any African nation. The successes of Singapore and Hong Kong transformation into a duty-free island. Though the concept was brilliant
should only inspire Mauritius in its quest for economic prosperity. But and is still feasible, its financial structures were not properly constructed
what are the real odds? And is the present path the correct one?
to prevent illicit trade and black markets.
History
Apart from the sugar sector, the Mauritian
Discovered and abandoned by the
Government should offer financial incentives for
Portuguese in the sixteenth century,
local and foreign private companies to purchase
Mauritius obtained its name a censtocks from the SADC region and to represent
themselves on the Stock Exchange of Mauritius.
tury later when the Dutch re-occupied
At the end of 2003, 280 fund management comthe island and named it after Prince
panies were in operation, with a total NAV of more
Mauritz of Nassau. Rats and Maroon
than US$9billion, up 50% on the previous year.
slaves ultimately punished the colonizOne major attraction is that companies have acers who were supposedly responsible
for the disappearance of the legendcess to the Double Tax Treaties with 32 countries,
ary dodo. The French were the first to
including China, India, France and the United
reap the benefits of their occupation,
Kingdom. Offshore insurance companies are also
but in 1810, the British came back to
welcome, though only fewer than 30 companies
take revenge on the French. Both the
are licensed to operate at present. Even though
French and the English brought in
Mauritius has adopted a safe, vigilant and wary
indentured laborers, artists and slaves.
approach to Offshore Banking, with stringent apThe British recognized the strategic
plications for Offshore Banking Units (less then
location, with India and Asia open for
10 at present), the Government has realized the
trade to the East, and with Europe just
huge potential for foreign investment in Africa
over and above. Mauritius would be a crucial military base for control of and around the world via its financial network. Should SADC economic
the southern area of the Indian Ocean. 1968 saw a peaceful handover of activities grow, Mauritius could stand as the grand winner. Double Tax
power from the British Government to new independent Mauritius.
Treaties with most key countries in the region, such as Botswana, and
The economy diversified from a single crop (sugar cane) as the gov- South Africa, have already been ratified.
ernment of Sir Seewoosagur Ramgoolam, now considered the father Ties to neighbors
In addition, Mauritius’s cultural and historical ties with India ensure
of nation, strengthened the textile industry and the tourism sector. Sir
Aneerood Jugnauth led strong 1980s growth, while Paul Berenger and that it will always enjoy a major link with Asia. The Indian government
his counterparts were still trying to strengthen the financial and fiscal is more than ready to help Mauritius: one Indian company has recently
sectors. Since growth has slowed to 4%, the government is taking radi- planned to establish an electronic network within more than 20 councal measures to attract more foreign direct investment and increase rev- tries in mainland Africa, with the central help of Mauritius. The United
enue from the banking sector. If Mauritius hopes to live up to one of Nations Global E-Government Readiness Survey has placed Mauritius
its emblems, Star and Key of the Indian Ocean, its GDP has to at least as number one in terms of e-government for 2005. Tremendous effort
double by 2020, in order to make funds available for the country’s infra- to diversify the economy has led to the construction of two cyber towers,
structural development in transportation system and technology.
one of which has been in operation since 2003 and was named the most
Because Mauritius cannot depend on surrounding nations for intelligent building in the world in its construction year. Indian compawater, as Singapore does, it has always tried to preserve its wildlife and nies such as Infosys are ready to take advantage of the high literacy (over
maintain a clean, delicate ecological balance, one of the many reasons 95 %) and lingual abilities of the Mauritian population. Indeed, Frantourists pour onto the island each year. However, Mauritius has a great cophone and Anglophone countries are targets for the new cyber era.
deal to learn from Singapore.
Africans also do not consider Mauritians to be as foreign as they would
consider the Europeans or the Chinese, for example. This diplomatic
Building Exports
While Mauritius seeks to catalyze growth in the economies of its card is essential for local acceptance.
Mauritians have always helped their African neighbors. MauriAfrican brothers and sisters, it will be difficult to solve Africa’s myriad
of problems. Sugar cane yield per hectare
tian experts have set up financial sectors
in Mauritius is one of the highest in the
Mauritius is poised to have in 5 countries over the last two years, inworld and Mauritius ranks among the
cluding Madagascar. The ideology of the
one of the brightest futures
ten leading world sugar producers. Such
‘Intelligent Island’, proposed by several
a reputation has encouraged the govgovernments, can only be maintained if
of
any
African
country.
But
ernment of Mozambique to literally give
investment in the educational and social
what are the real odds? And
away land to the Mauritian government
sector is increased to offset the shortage in
for exploitation. Mozambique and other
trained personnel in the information and
is the present path correct?
neighboring countries can only benefit
communications technology sector. As far
from the local production of sugar, as it
as the Exclusive Economic Zones (200
provides jobs for the locals as well as the
nautical miles radius around the island) are
end product itself. Sugar companies directing operations abroad from concerned, Mauritius is glad to welcome the use of high resolution satMauritius are concrete examples of how the future could look if Mauri- ellite images from India’s satellites to track down plankton, the food
tius becomes the region’s financial tower.
for tuna and sardines. The idea actually underlines a project to make
Even though agriculture has always been one of Mauritius’s main Mauritius and Madagascar the seafood hub of the region. A fishing
sectors, the EU’s recent cut in quota prices has hit the economy with an partnership between the two nations has recently been formed. Exportestimated loss of 4 billion euros, perhaps prompting a more rapid cen- ing seafood to mainland Africa is an option. However, for this to happen
tralization of the Mauritian sugar industry. With regard to manufactur- on a very large scale, Mauritius will need to develop bigger port facilities,
ing high class textile, Africa seems to be the solution. Labor in China and especially, in comparison with Singapore and its reputed sea port faciliIndia is much cheaper than in Mauritius, so the island has set its objec- ties and nine airport runways.
tive on countries like Madagascar and Mozambique, where labor prices
The above description paints a bright future for the Republic of
can still be competitive. Proximity is vital for diplomatic negotiations.
Mauritius. Mauritius has recently addressed issues of corruption and
In addition, the US Senate’s Africa Growth and Opportunity Act public safety, and such problems should always be in the limelight be(AGOA) will only favor Mauritian investors. The AGOA provides duty- cause they are a stable, working government’s most vulnerable shortfall.
and quota-free exportation of textiles and other products from African With these tools in hand, Mauritius is the place to be for business, at
countries to the US. At least, the Republic should invest much more in least within the SADC. Africa is a large continent with multiple oppornow-stable Madagascar or other potential SADC countries. The South tunities for investment. Beyond that, Mauritians should not forget their
African Development Community is a group of 15 countries via which business ethics: Africans are not only their business partners, but also
Mauritius plans to increase regional trade. These countries which can their brothers. If Mauritius is to take a different position from the ones
produce their own cloth and therefore encounter no issues with second taken by previous Western countries in African business, its approach
or third party non-AGOA countries, as the AGOA stipulates that raw should be love, compassion and discipline, as the island should also
materials should be produced locally or regionally.
serve to help a continent in great danger.
Both the sugar and the textile industries serve as security blocks for
the economy and while tourism, which is the government’s main source Dhinakaran Chinappen is a junior in the College. You can write to him
of income, is booming, it should eventually slow down and ultimately at dchinapp@seas.upenn.edu
BRACAGLIA
FAMILY
HAPPY HOUR
BY KATE BRACAGLIA
AS A NAIVE PRE-TEEN SUCKLING the teats of adolescence, I always wondered why after knocking back
a few Rollin’ Rocks, my dad would start belting out
Joe Cocker songs at the dinner table and recollecting
the time his college fraternity built a pool out of large
sandbags.
I found it equally odd when, after finishing off a
bottle of Chianti, he persuaded my classmates to hold
a chair-throwing contest at my high school graduation party. Similarly, I could not fathom why eggnog
drove my mom to perform interpretative dance to the
“Twelve Days of Christmas” every year at the family
holiday party.
It took a mere semester of college (and many, many
late night fraternity parties) to realize that my parents
partake in the same shenanigans as many university
students: drinking.
At first, such a discovery troubled me. My freshman year drinking exploits had always felt deliciously
sinful, and nothing killed the debauchery quicker than
the realization that my parents have shared the same
hobby for the last thirty years. It was awkward, watching my dad down gin and tonics and pretending I had
no idea what tipsy felt like.
Luckily, time was on my side. By the time I hit 21
(okay, 20), my parents allowed me to partake in the
ritual Bacchanalia. This time, as father belted out “You
are so beautiful,” I joined in merrily, a glass of Merlot
in my hand.
Almost immediately, I was able to conclude: drinking with your parents is really weird.
When I drink with my friends, there are certain rituals we enjoy upholding. We like to talk about the last
time we were drinking and how wasted we got. We like
to play drinking games. We like to dish/flirt/make out
with attractive members of the opposite sex and blast
80’s music while dancing around the common rooms
of our High Rise South apartments.
These rituals are particularly uncomfortable with
one’s parents.
Inevitable difficulties arise right away: do you admit that you have been wasted before or that you know
the rules to multiple drinking games or have listened
to Billy Idol on repeat for hours on end? Do you bust a
move in front in front of the dishwasher? And flirting
with your parents? Gross.
Admittedly, I was skeptical to pop the parental-intoxication cherry, yet as I continued downing
Yuenglings, my father’s stories seemed to take on a life
of their own, and for once, I stopped judging his tales,
and started enjoying them.
His face lit up like the Philadelphia skyline and he
gestured extensively. Accounts of days past revealed a
youthful idealism tinged with the wisdom of Grandmother Willow from Disney’s Pocahontas. I was absolutely entranced. I felt proud to be born of a man
whose drunken ramblings rivaled even the most hilarious of fraternity clowns.
Looking back, the experience with my father
seemed a proud moment. Yet I couldn’t help but wonder what it was like for him. Curious, I decided to do
the unthinkable: I decided to interview my father about
drinking with me.
Not surprisingly, the interview made me feel like it
was my first time all over again. Our conversation mirrored the clumsy progression of our initial inebriating
experience; at first, my dad stammered and coughed,
yet as he continued, his thoughts gradually became
clearer.
“It was initially awkward,” he told me, between
stutters, “because I thought you would be immature
about it. What is she going to do? I wondered. Guzzle
down her beer and say I want another one?” he recalled,
excitement pouring forth in his retelling. “Then I saw
that that wasn’t happening, and I realized that maybe
you‘d developed half a brain.”
(This seemed like a bad time to mention all the
times I had guzzled down beers and reached for seconds, so I kept quiet, and let my dad continue.)
He began to wax philosophical.
“[Parent/child drinking] makes the parents realize that their kids are no longer kids; they’re adults,”
Continued on PAGE 7