Rosalind Wiseman Parent Presentation_Oct 2014

Rosalind Wiseman
Hinsdale Parent
Presentation
Community Speaker Series
October 7 & 8, 2014
Happiness is...
• Meaning Beyond Oneself
• Hope of Success
• Social Connection
• Satisfying Work
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Have you ever wondered?
How do you take care of it when a girl is annoying you but you
don’t want to be mean?
What if your best friend is being really mean to you and he
won’t admit it?
What if you have a friend who is making you choose between
her and another friend?
What is the point of telling someone you’re mad at them?
They’ll just make more fun of you or get even madder.
I’ve been trying to ignore this kid forever but he won’t stop
bothering me. I want to tell an adult but I don’t want them to
freak out.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
I think that the most frustrating conflict with friends is
when there is a problem and a bunch of kids agree with
one person and another bunch agrees with the other. —
Alan, 11
My most frustrating conflicts with friends are not-kept
promises. We tell our parents, but they just say, “Talk it
out,” but we need advice on how to talk it out. — Felix,
11
My friends sometimes get mad at me and make fun of
me because I like to protect my stuff. Then they say I
sound like my sister. That really hurts my feelings. —
Elijah, 10
I’ve never told my friends this, but I get so mad at their little
comments. It’s fine when it’s just us hanging out, but a
couple of them make a point of saying them around other
people. They constantly mess with me about how short I am,
how hairy I am, I’m gay—I’m not that good with the ladies.
It’s the usual stuff, and it’s stupid, but I get really tired of it.
Whenever I bring it up, they just laugh at me and get worse.
Sometimes I want to explode, but they’re my friends. What
am I supposed to do? I feel like I just have to take it. Like
part of having friends is that they just get to do this to you.
- Sam, 15
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Bonding
Teasing
•Feel liked
•Don’t feel put down
•Will stop if asked
Annoying Teasing
• Doesn't know how
you feel
- Or • “I was just joking.”
“Relax!”
Malicious Teasing
• Teased for insecurities
• “Uptight” or
threatened with
ending the friendship
• Relentless and public
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
SEAL
•
STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now
or later?
•
EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t like and what
you want
•
AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge
•
LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Fake Apologizer: Didn’t realize you were so sensitive!
You: (Explain) The way you just apologized doesn’t seem like
you mean it. If I’m wrong, tell me.
Fake Apologizer: No, I totally mean it (tone is sarcastic).
You: (Affirm) Look, I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.
I just want you to say what you mean. Otherwise, don’t say it.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Our Goal
•
Become aware of behavior
•
Self-reflect of behavior on others
•
Honor the impact
•
Make amends - personal and maybe public
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
What if your child is the bully?
• This is one moment not a lifetime.
• Don’t respond with anything but this is hard to hear but
thanks
• With paper, and no siblings around, “X was reported to me.
Is any of it accurate?”
• Give them a window to “remember”
• Define your expectations which include “If the life of the
target gets more difficult as a result of this conversation, you
will force me to take more serious action
Video Games Rules
Rule: Because I lose track of time when playing, I realize I’m unable
to accurately gauge how long I’ve played. Therefore, I won’t respond
to a parent when they tell me time is up with:
Pushback: What!? But I’ve only been on for a few minutes! I’m about to get
to the next level! Let me just throw myself off this cliff! It’ll only take one minute!
I promise!
Rule: I’ll pause the game within one minute after being told my time
is up. If I don’t comply, I understand that my parent will turn off the
screen so that any unsaved progress I lose will be because of my
actions, not because my mom turned off the screen.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Rule: When I play any game with other people, the family values
apply. Therefore, I can’t use homophobic, racist, and sexist terms
when communicating with other players. If other players do, I will
immediately tell them to stop, leave the game, complain to the server
or find another group.
Rule: I won’t buy videos or apps without my parents’ explicit
permission. If I violate this rule, I understand that I’ll be forbidden to
play for the next week without exception and the amount of the
charge will be deducted from my savings account or allowance.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Rule: I’m not allowed to play during the school week unless I’m
waiting for something. During weekends: I may play up to 90
minutes per day.
Rule: The weekend is hereby defined as Friday (after school)
through Sunday night. If by Saturday night
homework/studying/projects for the upcoming week has not
progressed satisfactorily, all gaming rights for Sunday will be put on
hold.
Rule: On weekend mornings, I’ll take care of my responsibilities
before playing. I’ll brush my teeth, go to the bathroom, put on some
form of clothes, eat, and make sure all pets are given the same care.
Violation of these rules will result in automatic suspension of play
until the next day.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Want to Reach Me?
Email: rosalind@rosalindwiseman.com
/ charlie.r.kuhn@gmail.com
Web: rosalindwiseman.com
Facebook: Rosalind Wiseman
Twitter: rosalindwiseman / kuhncr