Branksome, It`s Time to Go “Green”
Transcription
Branksome, It`s Time to Go “Green”
The Kilt Press We are not now, nor have we ever been, a dry cleaning service Branksome Hall October 2005 Branksome, It’s Time to Go “Green” Bring your lunch to school in a lunch bag. If that doesn’t work, (admittedly, I sometimes just long to toss my thermos in the garbage can), buy your caf lunch on the paper plates instead of the takeout boxes, and cut down on the Styrofoam. The paper isn’t great, but it creates a lot less waste, and it is biodegradable, sort of. While the paper is treated so the food doesn’t just leak through, causing it to decompose much more slowly, it’s still a big improvement. Buy drinks that come in recyclable containers. Bring a Nalgene with you instead of buying a bottle of water every day. By: Emma Alter It seems that environmentalism has finally become fashionable. Hybrid cars are popping up under celebrities, everyone is going organic, and PETA, as frighteningly hard core as it is, is getting some big name faces. USE THE RECYCLING CANS. That’s a big one. A little note to the school: buy more of the green recycling receptacles! Garbage, glass, plastic, and paper, all mixed up, is a problem. The weak attempt of writing ‘recycling’ and ‘garbage’ on the sides of garbage cans didn’t work at all, because it wasn’t obvious, and the cans were never in the same place. But the green boxes are good. But we need more! They are small, and two in the school (I’ve only found two) is not enough. Put one on each floor. They don’t take up much room. We need one at the end of the orange grad hallway, where there isn’t even a garbage can, and at least two in the caf and the tuck shop. This would make it much easier for students to dispose of their garbage in the proper way. Plus, more garbage cans mean less garbage on the floors! Branksome students are incredibly lucky to have so many computers. I could count all of the computers in most high schools on my fingers and toes. There have been numerous complaints about how many we have access to, but at least they are there. But do they really need to be on? All the time? The computers in the library are turned off every night, as are the computers in the English hallways, but not in the lower computer Continued on page 4 But since when has fashion ever mattered to Branksome? Going ‘Green’. Is it happening, or not? As anyone who paid rapt attention to my article last year on the middle school will remember, I spoke about an offer for the middle school to be a ‘green’ school, which Branksome declined. Nothing wrong with that; I’m sure they had a perfectly good reason. I have faith in the administration and the board (who is on the board, anyway?) and their decision making skills. Environmentalism isn’t only in the big things. It’s in the small things the things that each student and each teacher does, too. Being environmentally conscious doesn’t mean that you need to completely change your lifestyle. The opinions expressed in The Kilt Press are not neccessarily the opinions of the editorial staff or the school. Acknowledgments The editors would like to give special thanks to Mr. Persaud and Ms. Bolté. Editors: Alex Heeney and Yasin Akbari Staff Advisors: Ms. Watson and Ms. Supino Contributing Writers: Emma Alter, Hailie Auld, Anjali Curtosi, Marina Ghabbour, Jayne McCaw Gilbert, Lindsay Gobin, Alex Heeney, Priya Jain, Steph Lau Submit articles to : kiltpress@branksome.on.ca Deadline for Submissions: October 28, 11:59 PM The Kilt Press October 2005 Steven Soderbergh’s Bubble Toronto International Film Festival 2005 By: Alex Heeney I am a fanatical Steven Soderbergh fan. Two years ago, if you were to make the error in judgement of asking me who this wonderful director was, you would be met with the likely unwelcome diatribe on his life, his works, and what makes him great. Soderbergh has brought us such wonderfully directed films as Traffic, Out of Sight, Ocean’s Eleven, and Solaris, winning a best director Oscar for Traffic. It was thus a rather momentous occasion for me when I had the opportunity to see the North American premiere of his latest film, Bubble, at the Toronto Film Festival, in early September and to speak with him. In his most recent film to date, Bubble, Mr. Soderbergh introduces us to a small, blue collar town in Ohio, where the characters are decidedly banal, unintelligent, and realistic. Bubble is a jarring, truthful, and as, the writer, Coleman Hough put it, “twisted love triangle”, which descends into a murder mystery, yet remains hardly about the murder or the mystery, and more about an accurate portrait of these characters. Kyle is the main male around whom the triangle forms. He is in his mid-twenties, a high school dropout, who still inhabits his mother’s trailer park haunt and works at the local doll factory. His long time colleague, the thirtysomething Martha, has an odd affection for him which is tossed out when the newbie, Rose, turns up and a mutual attraction occurs between her and Kyle. To describe this movie by invoking love story, murder mystery, or detective genres would not do it justice, nor would it accurately depict it. Soderbergh takes an unexpected approach, with a stark still camera, and large scale shots, so different from his usual movement oriented style. I asked him whether he found it difficult to contain himself, keeping the camera still; he responded that it was actually a nice change. After all, it’s all about “the scenery”. And that it is. The film is about being an observer, watching from a distance and discerning the proclivities of human behaviour. It is not about the murder. It doesn’t have that flowing, mesmerizing, classy, noiresque style to it as is the trademark of Ocean’s Eleven and Out of Sight. The film is not about charisma, and the camera allows this to come out. Each frame is shot with incredible skill, as is expected from Peter Andrews. The film has more of a documentary feel; it does not seem as though you are watching “actors”. And of course, Soderbergh used amateurs, which explains the success of the effect. The film succeeds in its wise, knowing scenes, which emphasize the small, minute moments. There is one scene which stands out to me on this matter. Rose is going out on a date and she tactfully drafts Martha as a babysitter for her two year old daughter. We suspect that her date is with Kyle; it seems to fit together, but like Martha, we are left with uncertainty. When the doorbell rings and Kyle attends, it is a perfect moment: everything is revealed and nothing is said. I have had countless conversations with people where we talk around a matter, both of us almost certain that the other is aware of what is Kilt Press film critic, Alex Heeney (right), with director Steven Soderbergh being concealed. This is exactly what Soderbergh masterfully translates to the screen, in such a satisfying manner. The scenes seem familiar and recognizable because they are so typical of human interactions. As the plot unfolds, it is predictable, not because it follows some Hollywood cliché. It is just simply fitting for these characters. Discovering the murderer is not a eureka moment, because the impending outcome is clear throughout, because of careful planning. It is true that the wide camera angles distance us from the characters, making them even indescribable; these are not the quirky characters of typical ‘indie’ fare. But, what is of import is that the film unfolds just as it ought to for these characters, however intangible they may be, engaging us at every moment. Much like its creator, the film is intelligent and, at times, amusing. When asked if working with amateurs will affect how he works with professional actors, Mr. Soderbergh responded “I’ll pay them less”. He also quipped, in response to a compliment on his unique grimaces in Schizopolis, that he can’t do that anymore “because of the botox”. And finally, on a personal note, meeting Soderbergh was a treat. At the end of the question and answer period, I wandered up to the front of the cinema to meet him, shook his hand, and asked one of my more film geeky questions, that I had been pondering for a while. In Traffic, the film for which he won the best director Oscar, there is a scene where a helicopter is taking off, shot from right below the helicopter, looking up. It is so reminiscent of the final shot in A Hard Day’s Night, when the Beatles lift off in their helicopter, that I could not help but draw a comparison, especially considering Mr. Soderbergh’s well known admiration and affiliation with Richard Lester, its director. Mr. Soderbergh confirmed that this “great shot” and “memorable end” of A Hard Day’s Night certainly came into consideration and was an influence when he constructed the similar shot in Traffic. It was one of those shots he had stored up and it inevitably came through. His method, however, is to show up on location, and figure out his shots there, rather than go through detailed planning beforehand. Bubble was a wonderful little film. Let’s hope Mr. Soderbergh continues on with such creative ‘indie’ fare and that he won’t be wasting his talent on an Ocean’s Thirteen anytime soon. 2 The Kilt Press October 2005 Startling Violence in GTA By: Anjali Curtosi As time goes on, the world is becoming more civilized and humane. We have evolved so much from the cave man into what we are today. But is this really the case? Can human kind really be classified as being better than the cave man when we use violence and hate to solve problems, especially when these problems that arise from corruption in our society, were CREATED by us? We have come a long way since the cave man days, technology-wise, and knowledge-wise. But how can we really have evolved when we continue to kill our own kind due to dislike or hate? Less than a week ago, late Thursday night/early Friday there was a shooting a block away from my house. Three people driving in a stolen jeep shot 10 bullets at a group of young men who were talking. One person was shot in the leg; this person was my cousin. When you think of a drive by, you think about it happening in bad areas of the city, or in the “ghetto”. However, these things happen everywhere. What is the world coming to when people involve themselves in drive bys, in which they shoot to kill, merely to solve a problem? What is the world coming to when there are guns on the street that can put a bullet through a person’s leg, through his bone, and snap it in half? My cousin underwent surgery and will now have a metal rod in his leg for the rest of his life. These acts of hate do not only affect the victims, but also the victim’s family, friends, and how all of them will live the rest of their lives. Before I moved here my friends kept saying, “Be careful in Toronto!” or “Don’t get shot!” I never even thought something like this could happen to me or someone close to me… This just goes to show you that it doesn’t matter where you are: corruption is everywhere. Guns and violence are increasingly becoming a real issue these days; the world seems to be becoming more degraded as the days go by. Much recent violence is closely related to gangs. In the past few years, gangs have been popping up everywhere and causing a lot of damage to our society. Studies have shown that around 94% of all shootings, in Toronto, are gang related. Just this year the OPP has taken into their possession over 2000 guns. How can guns be so easily come by? There has been so much violence due to guns being on the streets and yet the laws do not seem to be enforced any more than they have been in the past. In mid-July to mid-August of this year, 8 people were killed and there were 25 injuries due to guns in Toronto. In Canada more than 1000 Canadians die from gun related injuries every year! Recently, in the past month, I moved to Toronto from Wasaga Beach. I moved to attend Branksome Hall and am currently living with my grandparents. I knew that it would be a huge change for me coming from a seasonal town to a very busy, huge city. In just over a week of me living here, not even a block from my house a relative got shot. Now that was an eye opener about my new surroundings! I come from a place where I knew most of the people in town, and people were a lot more trustworthy; now I go on the subway and see many different people I do not know, lately all I can think is, “Is this person normal like me? Or would they resort to extreme violence in situations? Situations like the other week, situations that we hear about almost everyday now on the news.” The government, other than taking guns away from criminals, seems not to be doing anything about the actual problem. They are taking care of the present rather than thinking about how to fix the future. We students are the future of tomorrow; if this problem does not get taken care of we have the responsibility to do it ourselves. We may be only teenagers, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make a difference in our society. So I ask all of you to think, “How can we help change and shape our society into something that we are proud and safe to be living in?” Private School vs. Public School By: Jane McCaw Gilbert There are people who have always aspired to become a part of a private school community, whereas others have vowed to stay steer clear of anything considered “preppy.” Having attended public schools for the past ten years of my education, I have had the opportunity to experience the best and worst of both worlds, and the criticism that follows. When I confirmed that I was to revolt from the public school system and move to Branksome Hall, I received mixed reactions; some friends believed that the idea was completely irrational, while others saw the benefits of my decision. Private school undeniably offers more personal development and individualism, by offering a wider variety of social clubs and sports, while public school has a very conservative “survival of the fittest” approach. Through the very well developed guidance program that Branksome provides, students are able to feel more secure, knowing that someone, no matter how big or small the issue, will consistently listen to any problems of conflicts that they may have. Public school however, is very different. With an average class size of around 30 students, one has to learn that independence is the recipe for success and prosperity. The teachers are very different as well; in my opinion, public school teachers lack the necessary desire for teaching that the majority of the Branksome teachers exercise. Teachers at Branksome aren’t satisfied with a mediocre effort or result from a student, but strive for excellence from each and every one. In the public system, teachers seem less interested in perfection and often believe that any effort is a good effort, which is the wrong outlook when developing young minds. It would be completely unjust of me not to include the reality that not all students who attend private school are stellar students, and that most students attending public schools aren’t motivated to work beyond the expectation of some teachers. The final and most differentiating boundary between the two systems, I believe, is the wealth factor. During my middle division years, attending Glenview Public School, I would always be considered “rich” because I live relatively close to Rosedale and was considering private school for my high school career. Being immersed with all diversity of kids in public school has obvious pros and cons: being recognized as “rich” can be alienating, and it is true that many students live in areas of the city which are considered “bad”. In a more positive light, you can meet and learn about people from many different cultures. Public and private schools are two very different forms of learning. I can’t honestly say which one will produce a better, more balanced individual, although the entry fee for private schools may denote the benefits of private education. 3 The Kilt Press October 2005 Miss Behaviour... and the art of invitation Dear Miss Behaviour, What are the correct rules for society gala and party invitations? I am having my society début soon and I do not know what my invitation should look like. • Yours, Début Darling Dear Début Darling, • When I throw galas, custom ordering the invitations is absolutely my favourite part! Here are some important rules that every socialite should remember: • • Formal invitations that are custom engraved by an engraving company are usually only used for large formal events, like your parents’ annual winter ball. In some circles it is seen as gauche to have these invitations done for parties of twenty people or less … unless it is a wedding, obviously. (n.b. Professionally engraved invitations are different than professionally printed ones; the letters are raised on engraved invitations and are quite a bit more expensive than those that are printed.) If you are getting formal invitations done, remember that you are a modern girl! It used to be that any invitation for a party thrown by an unmarried girl began with the names of her parents, but today it is perfectly correct to • At the end of the day, gentle reader, remember that being happy at your début is more important than stressing over tiny details. Your guests will remember the fun they had rather than the typeface on the invitations. Yours as Always, Miss Behaviour Miss Behaviour’s quote of the month: “There’s a new thing called Women’s Lib. It means women get whatever they want.” – Marcia Brady, The Brady Bunch Movie Fashion 411 By: Marina Ghabbour Balloon skirts, black coats, and renaissance shirts grace the fall runways. High necked haute couture dresses flow with elegance and ruffle as they dance and shimmer across the catwalk floors. Jewel tone jackets and ripped jeans pose on every mannequin seen for miles. However, as someone wise once said, trends come and go with the blink of an eye. So, no matter how decadent the fall fashion may be, is it worth buying whole new outfits and spending loads of money? Just one week after a new style is released yet another new style will be released into the glamorous, unaffordable world that is fashion. It is a wonderful feeling to walk down streets in the newest, most fashionable clothes. But, like Tylenol, fashion must include only your name on the invitations for your début. Women’s Lib, ladies! Make the invitation appropriate to the occasion. If you are hosting a large afternoon garden party, it might be fun to have your invitations printed on paper that is pressed with flowers (many companies have this.If you are hosting an evening soirée, sophisticated invitations like gold leaf borders on linen paper (like my personal stationery) is quite attractive. Never forget to include the dress code on your invitations! Dress for events can range from white tie, for the most formal of events, to a simple afternoon dress and a hat for a tea party at a hotel. Not putting dress code on invitations can cause inconvenience (and sometimes embarrassment) for your guests. Most RSVP is done by telephone now, but you may instead include a small RSVP card for the guest to fill in and mail back to you. be taken in moderation. You can achieve the brilliant new look while keeping your wallet happy and avoiding an overdose by just choosing a few key items from each trend. Choose only things you feel are important to the style of the moment and choose them in the trendiest colour of the season. Lastly, make sure the item you are purchasing can be used in multiple outfits and variations. Following these easy tips ensures your goal of obtaining or retaining the title of incredible fashionista. The next time you walk passed that stunning window of the hottest store and the most delicate beaded top is attracting your attention, keep in mind that in just a few days, something else that is just as appealing will be on display, working its irresistible magic to reel you in. It’s Time to Go “Green” Continued from page 1 labs. Having a locker in the grad hallway, I have seen in the windows of the lower computer labs – more often than not, the screens are on all night. A room full of running PCs, plus the air-conditioning to keep the room from overheating, is that really necessary? Is it so difficult to just turn them off every night? Are you a fan of Starbucks? Need your caffeine fix every morning in order to survive in school? If so, this is for you: stainless steel reusable cups. They will fill them up for you at Starbucks, Second Cup, Timothy’s, Tim Horton’s, pretty much any major coffee store. If you are one of those people who go to Starbucks twice a day - you know who you are - this is the easiest way for you to be environmentally friendly. No more paper cups! No more cardboard cup holders! And please, especially don’t leave this garbage rotting in the bottom of your locker because then you’d have a SERIOUS environmental concern. One last point: ladies, there is a subway station thirty seconds from our school. Make good use of it. If you live in the suburbs, Etobicoke, or wherever else, strike a deal with your parents. Ask them to drive you to the subway. Yes, you are still using the car, but a lot less than you would be, otherwise. Besides, I’ve found that asking my parents for twenty bucks a week for subway tickets is a great way to make six bucks. They don’t know how much student tickets cost, right? 4 The Kilt Press October 2005 Sheep and Goose Productions Presents.... Podcasts: Yay or Nay By: Hailie Auld and Steph Lau Hello avid Kilt Press reader! Sheep and Goose Productions (that’s us, Steph and Hailie!) welcomes you to our first ever Kilt Press Article! But enough with the exclamation marks, onwards! In our column, we shall rant about the following: • • • Podcasts Movies Concerts that we went to or really wish we went to. Now let’s talk about the beloved iPod. Do you have one? If yes, then you probably already know what podcasting is. If not, you might not have a clue. But do you want to find out? Of course you do, and here to introduce you to the world of podcasting are your hosts: Goose (Hailie) and Sheep (Steph)! Podcast, what is: It’s a cast for your pod of course! It’s similar to broadcasted shows (from radio to learning languages to getting show recaps to just getting your crazy jabber out there) for your iPod. Hi My Name Is Mark (summary by Sheep): This podcast is written and performed by the lovely and talented bassist of Blink- 182, the one, the only… Maaaaaark Hoppus! On his podcast website (himynameismark.com) he welcomes you to his “ridiculous online podcast extravaganza". So, what will you be hearing? All things rad: bands you haven't heard of, bands he hasn't heard of, and maybe, if we're all very lucky, bands he has heard of. Mark will use this as an excuse to discus things that are important (and unimportant) to him and his friends. Mark welcomes you to a fantastic waste of time and a desperate cry for attention. Enjoy! Goose: Okay, this podcast is kind of weird since he’s just talking from the guest room in his house, but that’s why it’s so good. The music’s good – go download “Everything is Alright” by Motion City Soundtrack – so go download it if you like it! Sheep: Of course, everyone knows that podcasts always sound better when recorded from the guest room of your house. In his first podcast, Mark graces us with the song that “changed his life” and inspired him to write music, an update on his side project Plus 44 with Travis Barker, an impromptu interview with a guy from a band I haven’t heard of (Andrew Kenny of the American Analogue Set…anyone, anyone?), a bit of shameless advertising for a record he produced (Commit This to Memory by Motion City Soundtrack. And now we will do some of our own advertising by recommending this album), and a movie recommendation. And of course, “potty humour jokes”. Despite the fact that the guys from blink have a reputation for crazy antics, the podcast is actually pretty music centered (I guess that means Mark doesn’t have a lack of attention span, but then again the podcast is only 20 minutes long). So basically you really want to listen to this. And if your people say that it’s lame, that’s probably because they’re closet “Hi My Name is Mark” podcast listeners. only will you improve your Mandarin (maybe), you will also get asked if you are feeling okay, some weird looks/raised eyebrows, a good laugh, and perhaps someone might even reply to what you’re saying (this is exciting I know.)! If you’ve ever wanted to be on “Just For Laughs”, I’m guessing this would be a good audition tape. Note from Sheep: did you notice that it’s called HESS Chinese Survival Guide? Not just HESS Chinese Guide? So factoring in the survival part of this podcast, I’d recommend it (you never know where you might end up after falling down a hole. Take Alice in Wonderland as an example.) Thanks for reading our first article! And if you don’t mind, we'd like to ask you one more favour...check out our comic! HESS Chinese Survival Guide (summary by Goose): This is basically a beginner course in Mandarin Chinese. It has lessons ranging from greetings, to asking for directions, to cooking. It’s a general “repeat after me” podcast where you repeat the word spoken in Mandarin. Goose: I tried this out thinking that it would be really easy to just learn a few words in Mandarin because I want to go to China. This podcast was really basic which is good for beginners, but I couldn’t get the pronunciation right on any of the words. The lady speaking Mandarin didn’t speak slowly enough to teach me how to pronounce the words since my hearing isn’t very good. If you have good hearing, check this out. Sheep: Well, actually, I haven’t listened to this one yet, so you’re going to have to trust Hailie on this one. Since languages aren’t really my cup of tea, I can’t really say that I would recommend this to everyone…as a podcast. I would, however, recommend it as game! Why don’t you or a friend try repeating this lesson (out loud) somewhere public (like the bus, your Ortho’s waiting room, or even waiting in the tuck shop line)? Not 5 The Kilt Press October 2005 ‘Light is heard in Zigzag’: an unforgettable performance By: Priya Jain What would life be like if you woke up every morning to darkness, not being able to hear the birds singing incessantly and cars rushing quickly to work? What would you do if you never knew how beautiful your children were, let alone yourself? What would you do if you had big dreams that suddenly became shattered by a disability? What would you do if you were deaf and blind for the rest of your life? These are some of the many questions the grade ten and twelve dramatic arts students, a group of which I was a part, wondered after having visited the Nalaga’at Theatre in September. Together we witnessed an unforgettable performance entitled ‘Light is heard in Zigzag’ by a group of deaf-blind actors. Nalaga’at (‘Do Touch’ in Hebrew) is the means in which blind-deaf individuals (most of which are afflicted with Usher’s syndrome) communicate. It is hard to imagine being reliant on a single sense: touch, since we are accustomed to communicating through our visual and auditory senses. Tactile communication enters into a different world, both limiting and modifying perception. One of my peers noted that seeing this performance was almost like connecting these two different worlds. ‘Light is heard in Zigzag’ reflects upon the actors’ difficulties to see and hear. Translators guided the actors on stage and throughout the performance. Through brilliant choreography, short skits were performed, all of which portraying the deepest dreams of each actor. It was an emotional experience seeing how much hope these talented actors had. Their dreams were humble, like longing to have a birthday party, or being able to drive a bus, playing the piano and even having the opportunity to dine at the best restaurant in town with a pretty girl. It was most upsetting knowing how simple and innocent their dreams were. Unfortunately, it would be impossible for them to ever experience them as easily as we do. After every skit, we cheered, clapped, and even stood up too, hoping every time that they would maybe be able to see or hear us. Unaware of our appreciation, their translators would have to tap them quickly on their palms to indicate that we were applauding. Suddenly smiles would be bursting across the stage, and all the actors would be vigorously tapping each other’s palms too. I could not describe in words the amount of happiness I witnessed from these brave and talented people. All would agree that the most inspiring moment of the excursion was the opportunity to personally meet the actors and their translators. Remembering that the actors could not see, hear, and for the most part not able to speak in English, one would think it would be most difficult to communicate. Through modified sign language, the translators explained to the actors of any questions we had, and how grateful we were to see them perform. The actors were most flattered by our appreciation, and rather curious to know more about us. They enjoyed our company, and feeling the texture of our uniform and style of our hair. We left them with big hugs, and tears in our eyes. I speak for all of my peers who attended this performance when I say that ‘Light is heard in Zigzag’ has been an unforgettable and life-changing experience. I highly encourage everyone to acknowledge the message of hope these unbelievable actors are sharing with the world, and to remember once again how grateful we must be for all that we have. For more information, please visit: www.nalagat.org.il It’s All You By: Lindsay Gobin Why is it that celebrities are losing so much weight that you can’t even see them, operating on every inch of their bodies, yet we still strive to be just like them? We would give anything to look like that woman that nobody will stop talking about. But why? Why not strive to be your own person, with your own personality, for a change, instead of the one that strikingly reminds us of the girl from the movie you saw last week. Individualize your style. You know…find something other than what Lindsay Lohan wore to the last teen choice awards. I promise you, if you don’t like it, you can go right back to being that girl you think everybody wants you to be. But I am almost positive you will never regret being YOU! Lets face it ladies, the media won. They have us right where they want us: wrapped around their finger. And for some of us, it’s almost impossible to break free of the hold they so tightly have over our lives. We are the bright and beautiful women of tomorrow, aren’t we? So why are we letting the media brainwash our way of thinking? Let’s try making individuality the new UGGS. For all those future doctors, when you’re performing that heart transplant, do you honestly think your patient really cares whether or not your bottom is clashing with your top? Or how much those new diamond earrings cost you? No, of course not! All they want is to be able to live long enough to experience the things that really do matter in life: education, values, family, etc. Why are we letting a magazine be the judge of what we are going to wear tomorrow? Why have we lost sight of the important things in life? Step up to the plate. It’s time to be leaders and not followers. It all starts here Branksome. Express youself, and be you! In the famous words of Dr.Seuss “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind” IT’S ALL YOU! 6 The Kilt Press October 2005 Just Like Heaven - Isn’t By: Alex Heeney I can imagine screenwriters Peter Tolan and Leslie Dixon sitting next to each other as they wrote the script to Mark Waters’ latest film, Just Like Heaven, with a checklist of every possible film cliché in front of them. They could have easily sat there and systematically entered each of these clichés into the script, to ensure that they avoided any semblance of originality. They become so unilaterally focused on inserting these clichés that they forget that they neglected to write characters, even clichéd characters. Sadly, I find my invented story of the criminal creation of this film to be far more interesting than Just Like Heaven. In fact, I’m currently wishing that I’d seen a film about my silly idea rather than the terrible mess which was Just Like Heaven. But alas, the film I saw was Just Like Heaven, if heaven were a torture chamber, and the characters in it are more lifeless than fake plastic trees; they aren’t even two dimensional because we have so little information about them. Elizabeth (Reese Witherspoon) is a workaholic and a fantastic doctor, until she decided that her radio wasn’t loud enough and ended up in a car crash from turning the knob up, apparently requiring all of her attention and subsequently an inability to watch the road. David (Mark Ruffalo) is a man who still hasn’t got over his dead wife and “doesn’t want to talk about it”. He chooses his apartment based on the couch it contains. While this information is all given within the first five minutes of the film, I fear I have now revealed everything we ever find out about these characters. Usually, I can be forgiving about a film so steeped in clichés or full of preposterous scenarios if I find the characters mildly interesting. But this film gives us absolutely nothing to grab onto. In fact the only unique or remotely substantial character is Darryl, the Napoleon Dynamite fellow, who shows up as the authority on ghosts, and UFOlogy. Tolan and Dixon craft a tale about poor David who gets visited by the ghost or spirit of Elizabeth. Elizabeth is here intent on being an annoying little pestering dear who, quel surprise, is destined to fall in love with David. The writers get so caught up in the plot of the spirit visits that nothing at all is developed. When a film has so little substance that it can be described in its entirety in about three paragraphs, it’s certainly a painful experience to spend two precious hours of one’s life watching, and worse, to have paid to do so. The film succeeded in but one thing: I left the theatre appreciating the “greatness” of George Lucas’s screenwriting skills, wishing that he had been brought on to this film as a script doctor. Just Like Heaven starts off with a potentially engaging story and potentially likeable, engaging characters, but then forgets to develop them. I sighed throughout the entire film. I think the most entertaining part of my filmgoing experience was when an audience member sitting behind me gasped a statement - which was master of the bleeding obvious ten minutes before she made the statement- as though it were breaking news. The Kilt Press Introduces... Sheep and Goose productions (that’s us! Steph and Hailie!) Presents: Edie enjoys all things Warhol, and other than that, we don’t know much about her except that she often joins Kelly to do reviews for the Kilt Press. THE ADVENTURES OF BH GIRL AND EDIE! (Due to budget cuts, you’ll have to imagine your own superhero music here...) As for BH Girl’s arch nemesis, no one knows much about Gross Guy, other than the fact that he’s gross, really gross. His sidekick Steven Grlsch once attempted world domination by removing all the vowels in the words s vryn hd t spk lk ths (so everyone had to speak like this), but that’s another story. Name: The Adventures of BH Girl and Edie Motto: Plaid is rad! Back story: Kelly Clerk works for the Kilt Press. Her secret identity is super crime fighting heroine, BH GIRL! She is commander of the BB SQUADRON, and fights against the dirty deeds of her arch nemesis GROSS GUY and his sidekick, the notorious Steven Grlsch (aka Steven no vowels), who wreaks havoc around the school. Kelly is also a huge music fan and one day hopes to start her own band. Along with Edie, Kelly must fight crime, work for the Kilt Press, keep her secret identity secret and sleep, of course. This issue we are having a pre-comic comic. Stay tuned for next issue’s comic, where we will start the story. See Page 8 for the comic. Kelly’s sidekick is the mysterious Edie M. (whose brother just happens to be Allan M. from the Josie and the Pussycats comic...). Edie’s secret identity is ‘the girl in plaid’. 7 The Kilt Press October 2005 8