The Rope - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

The Rope
The NoZe Sell Out
Come join us at the
Officially Endorsed NoZe
Brotherhood Crawfish Boil on
May 9th at 6 pm -Square Bar
Bros. Ted KenNoZedy and Love Potion # NoZe normally lay
in their own shame Saturday nights at the mansion. Except
this Saturday, when the two reprobates went to Square Bar
and had a grand time - watching sports and guzzling girl
drinks. Cheers, boys.
Square Bar
330 Austin Ave.
Mon - Wed: 11 to Midnight Thurs-Fri: 11 to 2 am
Sat: 4 pm to 2 am
Lunch/Dinner/Cocktails
This way to an affordable, luxurious apartment.
What? Bro. NoZey Loves Chachi flubs it up again by choosing
an inferior realtor? You should have gone with Bear Cribs. It’s
the junkyard again tonight for you, brother.
Mind the rusty metal bits.
Bear Cribs
The #1 source for campus area apartments,
houses, duplexes, condos and more
www.bearcribs.com
2
The
Rope
A Monthly
Published sporadically
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Since 1924 Vol. 84 No. 6
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Ye ShalL Know ThEm By Their NoZes
Cunning Linguist
Lorde Mayor
Bro. Hurricane KatriNoZe (1)
Bro. NoZey Loves Chachi (2)
Bored of Graft
Bro. Ted KenNoZedy (4)
Bro. Breakin’ 2: Electric NoZealoo
Bro. No Means NoZe
The Brothers
Bro. KuntNoZe Kinte
Bro. N-O-Z-E, etc.
Bro. Grand NoZe Party
Bro. Tickle Me ElmNoZe (5)
Bro. NoZe Better*
Shekel Keeper
Bro. NoZe From Above 1924
Those Guys
Bro. TheNoZeous Monk
Bro. NoZe Sequitur
Internet Lad
Bro. Love Potion # NoZe (3)
Venerable Exiles
Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut
Bro. AbstiNoZe
Bro. Cliff’s NoZe
Bro. Fear and NoZeing in Elm Mott
Bro. Fats DomiNoZe
Trembling Neophytes, Sore Afraid
Bor. TelemundNoZe (7), Bor. ThumbeliNoZe (9), Bor. NoZe Chance in Hell (6), Bor. NoZe’s Ark (8), Bor. Jesus Loves Me! This I NoZe (10)
3
K
eko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin!
Satchel on, Brother LongNoZe, Satch! BSSS! BMMC! HRGS! JLRC! Let’s
get some transportation to the Dia celebration! After much trepidation
and stagnation, you’re finally able to get some relaxation, although in
lieu of salvation.Summer vacation is coming soon after graduation and
the young generation is going to relax by the pool and get some radiation for their pigmentation. The NoZe plans to provide plenty of satirization, vulgarization and disorganization. If you can’t tell by our
written communication, we’ve been using the website rhymenation! Can I
get a Satch! Satchel? Satchellissssimmmooooo!!!
The Cunning Linguist’s
Farewel Addres
Well, it’s about time – I’m finally graduating. And lemme tell you, a lot has happened since I’ve been in the Brotherhood. I’ve been a part of a lot of wacky pranks, guffaw-inducing articles, and hilarious appearances. Like the time
I “invited Mrs. Pembroke’s old friend over for dinner” or the time I “bumped my head, began acting strangely, and
called myself Chaz.”
Actually, those are just episode synopses of Charles in Charge I got off of Wikipedia.
I never did anything while I was here.
NNB
P.O. Box 45
Elm Mott, TX
76640
Even so, I’d like to give a brief history of the Noble NoZe Brotherhood:
1924-2006: Pre-Golden Era (Also called the Shit Era)
2007-2009: Golden Era
2010-Future: Post-Golden Era (Also called the future Shit Era)
Toodle-oooooo,
Bro. Hurricane KatriNoZe
noze.brotherhood
@gmail.com
noze.advertising
@gmail.com
www.thenoze.org
4
After eons of groans,
Lariat finally gets front-page news right
Anyone looking who turns to the Lariat for
an informative read is normally let down. The
staff ’s depressingly daily publication sometimes elicits a light chuckle now that we’ve
lowered our expectations of the “news” paper
to sometimes-humorous typos and fart-related violence reports.
But the Lariat mob had students surprisingly well informed a few weeks ago when
interesting news was the topic of their front
page.
On Wednesday, April 1, page one featured
an article about a NoZe Brothers’ prank that
took place the day before involving parking
tickets and an annoyed Lariat editor. Students
who were confused by said tickets were even
more baffled by the presence of said article on
a front page normally crowded with AP stories and press release-generated facts.
Students have inferred the Lariat staff was
behind the article, though it cannot be confirmed and is hard to believe since the story
contained information relevant and mildly
interesting to the student body. There were a
few clues pointing to the Lariat’s involvement.
The top of the paper in which the article ran
reads “The Baylor Lariat,” the article itself said
“By Nick Dean, Staff writer” (which probably
means he writes for the Lariat), and the NoZe
Brotherhood was mentioned as little as possible.
Calls started pouring in to the Baylor information desk and the editor’s phone shortly
after the article ran. Frustrated operators and
Lariateers became desperate as they tried to
answer the question being posed on the other
end of the line each time they picked up the
phone: “What is this Baylor Lariat? Why have
I never heard of it before?”
Those Lariat staffers who answered the
phone now have nightmares about what their
lives will become now that they’ve finally realized no one reads their paper. They have
since become one step closer to being actual
journalists by quitting the Lariat and moving
from Shirley Temples to hard liquor.
The Baylor Lariat surprised students even
further the next week when they printed an
editorial on page two about the parking ticket
incident.
Though the ed board broke tradition by
writing about something other than Obama
or the Internet, the change almost drew students’ attention away from the crossword to
the previously unexplored realm of full sentences.
The editorial went something like this:
“Look at us. We’ve got a sense of humor. See
how good we are at taking a joke? Yeah, that’s
right; we know who Ashton Kutcher is.”
The conversation between students about
the editorial went like this:
“What is all this writing growing out of the
top of my Sudoku?”
Though discovering the opinion page and
news on the front page was quite a shock for
students initially, they began to feel at ease
when the Lariat ran breaking coverage of…
uh….well… surely they’ve covered something since then, right?
Student Election Shmear Campaign
President
5
Jordan Hannah
No folks, he isn’t the other half of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon duo, but his candidacy has produced just as many laughs. This redneck ATO has been climbing his way up the ladder of StuGov
for years and this year managed to either bribe or threaten all his opponents into submission! As
the only candidate running for Student Body President, it’s no wonder his campaign is filled with
about as much enthusiasm as an athiest’s first day at Chapel. When he’s not chasing after TriDelts,
Jordan likes listening to redneck tunes, whittling confederate flags out of driftwood, and dipping
with cherry Skoal. Every Baylor student should look forward to another year of an ATO Presidency, because we all know how well Travis Plummer’s tenure worked out.
Internal
Jessica Liu
Vice President
Jessica Who is right. This girl dares to run for Internal Vice President after her lousy 3-year record as a Student Senator? Embarrassing. Besides her dubious past, we know she won’t be winning the vote of the religious right….her Facebook status lists her in a relationship with a girl.
Note to Jessica: This may be 2009, but Baylor students are not in favor of same-sex relationships.
Hey, but at least she gets “social networking” and has launched her campaign online via Twitter.
On second thought, do we really need an IVP who spends more time online than they do working for us? For the $15,000 a year price tag that comes with winning, we don’t think so.
Michael Wright
Michael Wright thinks he’s privileged. Having graduated from wealthy Memorial High School,
his pompous presence can be seen far across campus. As a Sophomore Senator, he has spent
more time concerned about his figure than writing bills. An avid sportsmen, Michael often
participates in triathalons and judging by pictures on Facebook, he’s very proud of his…umm..
“credentials.” With racy photo titles like “the home stretch” Michael seems to take literally the
gift of nakedness God granted Adam and Eve. For every other Baylor student though, the race
for IVP is not run in spandex.
External Vice President
Emily Saultz
Emily “Romans 13:1” Saultz is a Baylor legend. Haven’t heard of her? We’ll just let her actions speak for her then. During this year’s “Thanksgiving on Fountain Mall”
Emily thought it would be a good idea to invite Waco’s less fortunate to attend for a free meal. Instead of graciously eating their unthawed pumpkin pie and faux-mash
potatoes, these hobos began yelling curse words at Baylor students. If these brilliant ideas are what we can expect out of Emily, Baylor students should begin to look
elsewhere. As a Tri Delt, Emily is known for her obedience to the law. We hear she’s nicknamed “Romans 13:1” as she has been known to never have sped in her entire
life.
We offer up a new nickname for Emily : Benedict Arnold. She is after all dating an Aggie and our sources in College Station have let us know that there are plans for an
outside take-over of student government by the Corps if she is elected.
Continued on page 6...
Two thumbs way down for this one.
6
... Shmear Campaign Continued
Michael Horne
Annoying, much? Yes, he is. Michael offers the Baylor student body yet another boring choice as its 3rd
sophomore Senator running for office, is the Senate
really that bad that everyone’s trying to leave? Horne’s
diabolical nature led him to turn down a bid from
ATO, so we know he won’t be able to work well with
Fonville’s heir-apparent, Jordan Hannah. Though he
might tempt you with his charming smile, flattering
eyes and beautiful ... damn it! Not again! Save your
vote, friends; a vote for Horne is a vote for shirtless
pictures in various swimming pools.
Nicole Yeakley
As the incumbent External Vice President, Nicole is
running for re-election. Why? How the hell should we
know. As EVP, Nicole’s successfully done nothing; is
that worthy of re-election? She couldn’t even muster
up enough courage to challenge Jordan Hannah for
President, how can she have the courage to tell Mayor
DuPuy when her wig has fallen off? A vote for Nicole
is a vote for more of the same, and we all know that
“CHANGE!” wins elections nowa1days.
Dear Lorde Mayor
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Have you heard of this Susan Boyle lady? She’s pretty
amazing, huh?
Love,
Not so unattractive by comparison
Dear Kappa Delta,
Now that the world has seen that ugly girls who have
never been kissed have some musical talent, maybe
they’ll let you guys have a SING act. Of course, those
Brits are a lot more forgiving of snaggle-teeth.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Let me tell you about a great new product I’ve been
trying to market the past few months.
Sincerely,
Also a user
Hey Bro. ThumbeliNoZe,
Lay off the Scrotee’s, man.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
I’m engaged! Any tips or well wishes?
Signed,
So in love
Dear female upperclassmen,
Here’s a tip: no one wants to hear about your wedding planning. And unless it has to do with the open bar, honeymoon
or the time you kissed your hot maid-of-honor, your fiancé
doesn’t want to hear about it either. As for well wishes, the
NoZe Brotherhood wishes you the best in this and all your
future marriages.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
I’ve learned through an article in the Lariat there’s a ministry in town that teaches that Jesus loves even me, a stripper.
I think that means there’s hope for you guys, too.
Xoxo,
A respected member of society
Hey Candi,
You’re probably right. Now bend over so I can stick this
single in your bra.
Love the NoZe?
Hate the NoZe?
Buy this T-Shirt!
Buy this T-Shirt!
NoZe.Merchandise@gmail.com
7
NoZe on the Street Asks:
Who’s going to be
Baylor’s next president?
Aww shucks, I don’t know. I’m sure
there’s someone out there who could
do it ...
Baby, please. I nominate my frat
president, J.D. He was able to reduce the
homely sorority chick ratio by 15%
Pimp master funk!
Howie Batson
Chair of Board of Regents
My vote’s with that suave and
hard-bodied Batson fellow.
Nick Lemmon
Frat Daddy
I’m not sure, but the entire presidential search
reminds me of the time Opie got whacked with
a leather belt as punishment for forgetting to
shine Andy’s badge. I guess you could say
Andy “nipped it in the bud!” Hyuk hyuk! ... I
don’t think they can show that
episode on “TV Land” anymore.
Bowie Fatson
Oddly Familiar
Don Knotts
Deceased Character Actor
8
Viagra Launches New Ad
Campaign to Target Evangelicals
He Is Risen! An Instant Best Seller
The Noble NoZe Brotherhood
announces the 84th annual:
Pink Tea
in accordance with the will of the
immaculate and supreme deity Elmo
in celebration of 85 years of vertical
calisthenics, fortunates, and Billie Brickie.
Satchel on!
Hairy legs, be prepared!
Neophytes, beware!
Companies have tried to tailor their ads to garner the religious
consumers since Biblical times. S-I-N-I news first used the tactic to
try to acquire viewers using the much hyped Noah’s Meteorology.
Then there was Kraft’s “Holy Holy Holy Swiss Cheese,” DeJesus
Rock Removal: “If there’s a rock in your way, we’ll roll it away,” and
even Oscar Mayer’s Kosher hotdogs, which promised “Only God’s
chosen pork products.”
Viagra has hopped on board the religious-oriented marketing campaign, and its new promotion has gotten more than a few
people excited.
The 30-second commercial, which is set to air this May, features
a middle-aged couple enjoying a meal on what seems to be a casual
Sunday afternoon. The two eye each other with looks that suggest that they want something more than the pasta linguini on the
plates before them. The Viagra logo then appears with the caption
beneath it: “He Is Risen.”
The final moments of the half-minute campaign feature the
middle-aged woman sitting atop the disheveled dining room table,
with a cross necklace dangling near the low cut blouse she dons.
With a wry grin she remarks, “He is risen indeed.”
Eric Shunman, Vice President of Viagra’s advertising department commented, “I think this new campaign is great! I mean,
come on, we have all read Psalms 7: 12 - ‘Let us go early to the
vineyards, to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have
opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom - there I will give
you my love.’ I think it’s pretty clear that this campaign is religiously sound, to say the least.”
Several denominations which shun birth control and favor
large families have thrown their full support behind Viagra’s new
commercial. Jerry Walsh, executive of Gideon Bible Distribution
stated, “We have been crusading for years to get Bibles in every hotel and motel room in the U.S. But let’s be honest, those rooms are
notorious for some pretty sordid stuff. We at the Gideon’s believe
that this new campaign just might be a step in the right direction
to get people to open our books in the nightstands. We are hoping
that this new Viagra “He is Risen” campaign will leave people not
just physically satisfied, but religiously satisfied also.”
9
Point: The Rope is filled with
Incessant Mockery
and Toilet Humor
By Ineeda Pair, Lariat Editor
Every single time I look into an edition of the Rope, I always see the same trash over and over again.
Is that seriously the best you hooligans can do?
Honestly, I see funnier things in the Lariat newsroom all the time. Why, just the other day Brian, our sports editor, came into work with
not one, but two unbuttoned buttons on his dress shirt! Tee-hee. Oh, that Brian is quite the nincompoop.
Or what about that time we ran that article with a title that read “Students to ‘bear’ soles?” Get it? We switched “bare” and “bear” – Baylor’s mascot! Hoo-hoo. I don’t mind telling you Liz rolled on the floor for hours after that top-notch wordplay.
Granted, the day after we insulted your publication’s potty jokes we ran an article about a man who was stabbed after some harsh pooting
was exchanged. But that was just the one time.
Other than that we report on real, legitimate news; like how the presidential search is coming. Wait, what? We don’t do that? Quick,
someone find me an article about strippers and Jesus – post haste!
Counterpoint: Thanks for Noticing
By The Noble NoZe Brotherhood
Well, it’s about time we get some recognition for our hard work. Do you think it’s easy to poke fun at Baylor institutions and students in
the Rope while also using words like “nincompoop” and “pooting?”
We’ll tell you, it’s not a walk in the park at all. Have you ever tried to criticize former President John Lilley’s ill-planned policies while
also making a passing reference to his frequent bathroom breaks? We have. Bro. Ted KenNoZedy nearly drank himself into a catatonic
state after that one, and that’s not an easy thing for him – trust us.
Our glorious institution has spent 85 years attempting to come up with the least subtle and most perfect toilet humor known to Baylor.
Therefore, the Brotherhood would like to present your publication the highest honor known to Baylor newspapers: “The Least Credible
Paper Award.” The Lariat is bestowed with this decoration for bothering to even mention The Noble NoZe Brotherhood within its pages.
The Brotherhood grudgingly relinquishes the honor.
10
CL Witness Protection Program
It was awful, that poor kid almost died in my arms. I held his hand as he cried and vomited
at the same time. Apparently he had gone to a SAE party and drank an entire trash can
worth of punch. I thought they would teach incoming freshman the SAEs don’t clean the
trashcan before making drinks in it. He somehow managed to stumble back into his dorm
room, but the sound of his deafening wails of painful anguish between upchucks woke up
the entire floor. I was forced to turn him in. As if spending almost 8 solid hours vomiting
bile wasn’t enough, he was ejected from Baylor and received a 0 for his semester GPA. I hate
being a CL.
- Martin Residence Hall CL
I heard some strange noises coming from a young man’s dorm room one night. It sounded like
there was a young lady in there yelling at him, something about faster, harder or not stopping. It
took me a while to figure out what was going on. I cried myself to sleep that night.
- Allen Residence Hall CL
Bankston’s Comics
1322 S. Valley Mills Dr.
755.0070
“I’m sorry Teddy, but I just can’t
marry you. For starters, all you
read is comic books. I need a man
who’s into both comic books and
baseball cards, and maybe action
figures, too. Goodbye Theodore.
Goodbye to you and your ridiculous
shorts. I’m going to Bankston’s,
where men know what women
want.”
One night, the girls from the 3rd floor decided to prank
those on the 2nd by sneaking down in the middle of the
night. Only wearing their underwear, they brought pillows
with them and decided to engage in the largest underwearpillow fight in the history of womankind.
At least, that’s what happened in my fantasy.
- Not a CL, just a lonely Penland Freshman
Grab a Kleenex Because Here Comes Some
¡Political Wisdom From The NoZe!
11
There is far too much dissension, debate, discussion, and too many downtrodden souls when it comes to political debacles. Ease your
worries; the NoZe is here to provide you with the answers to your most pressing ideological questions.
Illegal Immigration- Dear NoZe brothers, should we build a wall? Absolutely! Of humans. Get on board, kimosabe, because this one is
gold. We construct a wall of interwoven Americans; what comes next? The largest game of Red-Rover ever witnessed by mankind. Those
illegal immigrants who make it through are granted immediate citizenship. Those who don’t make it though, well, they will be sent back
with some newly acquired know-how on just what USA means.
Obama’s Gift-Giving Faux Passssssss – An iPod for the Queen? DVDs for Gordon Brown? Why, I’ve seen better gifts on a game show.
Exactly! We call Bob Barker out or retirement; the crusade to neuter every animal can wait. Take government control of the Big Wheel
and let each visiting diplomat take a spin at the wheel! Sarkozy takes home a dinette set, Putin a brand new Ford Focus. No one can
criticize the wheel of Chance. Barker’s Beauties would obviously spice up the White House gift-giving process. That is unless Obama
were meeting with a Middle Eastern head of state, in which case, Barker’s Beauties would don a hijab and become Barker’s Rightly Subservient Females.” That’s political correctness!
The Recession- Get drunk and act like it doesn’t exist. We at the NoZe have tried it and it works! Except for Brother Ted KeNoZedy. But
then again he was drinking himself into poverty long before the recession began.
Holy Law # Enough ads
to make you cry
1600 Speight Ave.
752.7591
For any other problems that you may have and that have not
been addressed in our succinct and informative periodical address all concerns to David_Garland@Baylor.edu. Profanity is
required but not appreciated.
Vitek’s Barbecue
Somalian Pirates- Pirates are supposed to be rum-loving swashbuckling braggarts, not people who hijack multi-million dollar
boats. So let’s make them just that! “Pirates of the Somalian”
featuring, not Johnny Depp, but the up-and-coming kooky go
lucky Jikeed Mutuba. Curse of the Black Pearl lacks universal appeal. Now Curse of the Tainted Goat Meat, that’s a winner. Does
anyone smell a sequel? Well, you’ll smell something.
Wait a sec ... didn’t
that guy create
“Bambi?”
Come to Vitek’s.
We don’t serve
irony.
12
Email Mix-Up leads to Mormon’s
As the evening drew to a close, the varying sweat-drenched LDS
Dancing and Latin Dancers members
exchanged contact information and asked to be left on the
e-mail list. Several of the Latin Dancers vowed to check out one of the
Trying some New Things Latter Day Saints’ events, and several of the Latter Day Saints were
914 Lake Air Dr.
741.1661
Lone Star Music
Last week Latin Dance Society secretary Eva Salsazar sent out an e-mail:
“Hey LDSers, bring your dancing shoes b/c we’re meeting this Monday at 7
at Fountain Mall!”
When Salsazar showed up that Monday, there were more than four times
as many attendees as expected, and more than a few unfamiliar faces. After
a little questioning, Salsazar discovered that her email had been sent not
only to Baylor LDS Latin Dance Society, but to Baylor LDS Latter Day
Saints as well.
Salsazar and others didn’t let the mix-up ruin their good time and LDS
members and LDS members alike danced the Bachata.
Jerry White, a Latter Day Saint member present at what was later
deemed the “Spicy Fellowship,” commented, “I’m really glad this mishap
happened and that I was part of the chosen few at Baylor that took part in
this. I didn’t really understand the music, they may have been speaking in
tongues, but that didn’t stop me from dancing for Latinas and Jehovah.”
Several of the male Latin Dancers enjoyed the chance meeting as well.
Benny “Fire Foot” Jinny, self-proclaimed Latin Dancer extraordinaire,
remarked, “I really like the way the LDSers get down; they taught us some
new stuff. I mean who knew you could dance with 3 or 4 girls at the same
time and that was OK? I love it!”
“Ma, the kids at school beat
me up yesterday.”
“They’re fools, Sammy.
They’ll never understand the
beauty of polka music.”
Buy your loved one a guitar
so he doesn’t get beat up by
school children.
already thinking of ways to spice up their own events. The evening
was not without nay-sayers however.
Regina Collin, heir to the Collins lineage remarked, “This University is going straight to Hell!” Spit flying from her lips at the utterance
of each syllable, each word increasing the fiery hate in her eyes, “Mormons and the Bobo Spiritual Life Center? Dancing on Campus? Next
thing we’ll be putting up gay dorms and getting rid of Chapel!”
Hey Man, Check Out
This Youtube Video
By Your Roommate
7:15 PM:
Yo bro, how’s it going? What are you doing? Oh, just working on studying for that
midterm you’ve got in Organic Chemistry?
Sweet, that’s totally interesting and I am legitimately concerned with you furthering
your academic career; I can totally relate as
I just finished my take-home test for Mass
Communications. However, despite your
being quite adamant about the importance of your O-Chem midterm, I’ve got an exciting, dare I say, quite compelling counter offer.
So I was lurking around the ol’ YouTube a couple seconds ago, going through my usual cycle of looking for nude scenes from late 1980s
action films, amateur renditions of Soulja Boy’s “Crank Dat” dance
(the dude is the songbird of our generation!) and of course the old
stalwart- funny cat videos. But then, something quite magical came
along, so I decided to share it with my Frisbee buddy. It’s totally cool,
man. I know you’re totally busy, but check it out, man. No, seriously.
See, was that not hilarious? I can’t believe that chimp just did that to
the poor duck! Okay, dude, I’m done.
7:20:
Wait! I almost forgot, man. Check out this sweet trailer that I saw
before Adventureland last week. Oh, you’re gonna love it. Can you
believe Rob Schneider just switched bodies with a Somali Pirate? See,
it’s like an edgier version of The Hot Chick. Remember we watched
that movie last Thursday after pounding a couple Zimas? Alright,
dude. I’m done. Go back to your Organic Chemistry stuff.
7:23:
Shit haha. Check out Judd Apatow’s new movie; they just put the
trailer up like two days ago. Come on, it’s only two minutes. Alright,
dude, you’re right. You’re busy, but I swear this is the last one. Alright,
shut up, it’s starting. Woah, out of left field, huh? Its even got that fat
curly-haired guy from all of his movies. No, not Seth Rogen. Nah, not
Peter Segal. It’s the Jewish one. Still no? Come on: Jonah Hill, Superbad guy.
Two hours later, and countless videos touting themselves as “Megan Fox
Nude!!!11!”:
Wait, stop… you aren’t going to believe what just went online…
13
Point: Hate the Sin, Not the Sinner
By Doug Weaver
As the good book says in Leviticus 19:18, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Don’t get me wrong, the good book also says in Proverbs
21:19, “Tis better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.” Now believe me, I’ve spent time in the desert and
it’s much more unpleasant than the alternative…although it is quieter and calmer. But yeah, I digress.
Yes, it states in 1st Corinthians 6:9-11, “Or know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God?” As good Christians, we know that wayward children of God indulging in sodomy will face an eternity of suffering. But as it also says in Ephesians
4:32, “Be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you”.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have trouble looking at those men that oil themselves and parade down the street, playing volleyball
every afternoon. But as distasteful as the thought of sin-dripping sodomites might be, we as Christians are called upon to forgive such
sinners and pray for them. As we pray for them, we must pray that they pull themselves out of their evil and that the only man they
tenderly embrace be the Son of Man. So, I say to you, as it says in Luke 23:34, “Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.”
Although, with their frequent drinking and meth smoking, who can blame them?
“Son, you’ve asked me many times
how I met your mother. Well, it’s
time you knew. It was a hot night.
I was drinking at some Irish place,
she found me on the floor in my
own shame in a lady’s room stall.
Your mother... well, your mother
wasn’t much of a looker. But 5
shots of tequila later and a
carefully placed brown bag, and
you were conceived. It was the
happiest moment of my life. I
think her name was Joy or
something.”
Scruffy Murphy’s Bar
Homosexuals do what? Ugh! In every place they can put…?
Ech! How is that even possible? What do they, you mean…
Guh-ROSS! I’m sorry, I know we don’t have fancy post-graduate degrees and a lifetime commitment to the Church, but we
are pretty smart. Just look at our shirts, very political, huh?
But all of that stuff is soooo unnatural. The idea of it makes
our stomachs turn. Just think, two people of the same sex, being constantly together, probably even looking alike and taking
pictures together?
Sickos!
Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got to go sing for a Neo-Nazi
rally.
Bringing the wonders of alcohol to you
for over 20 years!
Ewww! They do WHAT?!
That’s disgusting!
By: Brittany and Betsy
1226 Speight Ave.
753.0802
Counterpoint:
14
The Story of Easter
Leave the mixing to the professionals
-Two months ago my dog Fluffy went missing in the woods. We found her
two weeks later and it was pretty obvious she had rabies. We couldn’t force
ourselves to abandon poor Fluffy or allow a vet to put her down. So we decided to keep her around as long as we kept a safe distance. But one day she
bit me. I kept it secret because I knew that if Fluffy was to be implicated in
injuring me, the state would have her put down. My parents forced me to go
to the hospital when I started to foam at the mouth and had severe twitches in
both hands. The doctor told me I had waited too long for the rabies treatment
and would have only a few days to live. The doc was also obligated to inform
the authorities about Fluffy’s violent outburst and her rabies infection. They
killed Fluffy yesterday and I will be dead by the end of the week. FML
“Leonard Sambrozy, I’m
impressed. It appears you’re
actually losing weight!”
“It’s all the Poppa Rollos! Their
salads are exquisite!”
“That, or it could just be that
you took off that ridiculous plaid
robe.”
Poppa Rollo’s Pizza
Now Serving Lunch and Dinner!
719Austin.com
Open 7 Days a Week
719 Austin Ave.
Live Music Nightly
-Today I got a B on a test. FML
-I ran out of beer, guys! FML
“We’re Still Avoiding Sausage Jokes”
“Men, I’ve got it, the perfect drink. 4
parts gin, 1 part water, 3 parts cherry
schnapps, 1 part... love. Gentlemen, tonight, we drink at Austin’s.”
When someone told me Baylor’s getting rid of FML my first thought
was “What?!! They’re taking away my French Maid Lesbians?! That is entirely
inappropriate.” However, after further explanation, I learned that Baylor’s
blocking FML, a website where people jot down the unfortunate events of
their lives for the whole world to see. Apparently, most people find this display of other peoples’ misfortune hilarious. Also, (thankfully) it is not an acronym for Fornicating Mexican Llamas.
I decided to update on FML myself:
Delicious Pizza!
705 N. Valley Mills
772.9348
Austin’s on the Avenue
In the late 1080s, an event known as the Hare Rebellion occurred through
Europe’s Christian kingdoms. The event believed to have happened around the
month of March due to the coined term “mad as a March hare.”
Although not many texts survived these chaotic times, many scholars believe
that the mastermind behind this rebellion was a hare by the name of Oschter
Haws. Early Christian resistance forces found their new foe a more formidable
menace than their war against the Prophet’s believers. In one account of the
Battle of Dresden a clergyman described the foe as multiplying by ten for every
one that a Christian warrior cut down. In only two years the Hare overlords
managed to do what no Muslim could ever achieve: the conquest of Europe.
All hope seemed lost, until when on the first Sunday after the Paschal Full
Moon, the Lord Almighty Jesus Christ descended from heaven to liberate his
faithful from their suffering. A glorious day it was indeed for all of Christendom
for Jesus Christ along with a time traveling Mr. T and Chuck Norris defeated the
Bunny Battalion. Because of their unforgiving slaughter of Christian souls, the
hares were cursed to lay eggs and hide them once a year to commemorate their
defeat.
Although most of the fighting hares where killed, legend says that some survived, for example a British legend has King Arthur fighting the Rabbit of Caerbannog which many scholars believe is a descendent of these heathen hares.
Baylor Blocks FML
15
Mr. PuZzle Sez:
Schmaltz’s Sandwiches
Great Sandwiches
1412 N. Valley Mills
Dr.
776.3694
Clay Pot
Charlie, I had no idea! Schmaltz’s, really?
I’ll get my coat! Oh, Charlie!”
“Betsy behaves just like a
regular human. She rides in
cars, she stays quiet while
I’m on the phone, and she can
even ride in the car with
Julia, our pet bear. If she
keeps up this behavior, I
might just take her to Clay
Pot.”
920 S. Jack Kultgen Expressway
756.2721
ClayPotCuisine.com
“Oh Charlie, I just don’t know. Today’s
Thursday, and I have to wash my hair. I
just can’t go to the sock hop with you right
now. Besides, wouldn’t you want to take a
girl like Betty, or Sue, or-
Try our new Clay Pot Chicken Wings!
For when all you really want is to get good and
Schmaltz’d.
Look through the circles and
people will bow to your every whim!
“As your interim president, I demand you put a shirt on!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an interview at Claypot.”
Bear Cotton
1211 Speight Ave.
296.0095
Screenprinting/Embroidery/T-Shirts/Caps