Fall 2 - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

Compendium
of innards
SPEAK YOUR MIND TO THE
BROS. OF THE NOBLE NOZE
CURRENT
MATERIAL
That’s what you’re reading write now.
Skip to the relevant stuff you ignoramus.
pages 2,3.
Pissed
away
An article about what’s been most talked about around Baylor’s
proverbial water-cooler: urination!
page
4.
Faculty
Senate
Finally, something worth reading. But you’re not going to are you?
No, I bet you’re planning on skimming through this, maybe taking
a peek at the Mr. PuZzle but you certainly won’t read.
Society is disgusting.
pages 8.
Designated
Driver
Hey kids! Mr. PuZzle is having another ontological crisis and he
needs you’re metaphorical shoulder to metaphorically cry his
philosophical tears onto! And he has a puzzle for you!
page 9.
Mr.
Puzzle
Hey kids! Mr. PuZzle is having another ontological crisis and he
needs you’re metaphorical shoulder to metaphorically cry his
philosophical tears onto! And he has a puzzle for you!
page 14.
Etcetera
Various other items of varying degrees of interest, and so on and
so forth. Also, if you happen to find my suspenders while your
searching around there, don’t return them to me. I don’t own a pair
of suspenders.
page...?
NOBLE NOZE BROTHERHOOD
P.O. BOX 612
ELM MOTT, TX 77640
NOZE.BROTHERHOOD@GMAIL.COM
NoZe.ADVERTISING@gMAIL.COM
WWW.THENOZE.ORG
THE
ROPE
GAH! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!
Noze bros.
CUNNING LINGUIST
Bro. Breakin’ 2:
Electric NoZealoo
LORDE MAYOR
Bro. Hurricane KatriNoZe
SHEKEL KEEPER
Bro. Ted KenNoZedy
BORED OF GRAFT
Bro. TheNoZeous Monk
Bro. NoZe v. Wade
Bro. AbstiNoZe
E BRO
Bro. Love Potion # NoZe
THE BROTHERS
Bro. KuntNoZe Kinte
Bro. Cliff’s NoZe
Bro. NoZey Loves Chachi
Bro. No Means NoZe
Bro. Grand NoZe Party
Bro. N-O-Z-E, etc.
THAT GUY
Bro. NoZe Sequitur
VENERABLE
EXILES
Bro. Fear and NoZeing
Bro. Fats DomiNoZe
Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut
Bro. NoZe, Table for One
Bro. ArgentiNoZe
Bro. Bush’s Krispy TacNoZe
Bro. SnubNoZe
Bro. NoZe Smoking
Bro. Charles K. PoNoZi
Bro. NoZe Quervo
Bro. Mu Mu Mu MySharoNoZe
Bro. NoZeanderthal
Bro. NoZencrantz
Bro. Ultra MagNoZe
Bro. Al PaciNoZe
NEOPHYTES, SORE AFRAID
Bro. NoZa Parks
Bro. Dulce & GabanNoZe
AND A CAST OF
THOUSANDS....
VOL. 83, NO. 2
KEKO MUCKITY MUCK!
KEKO MUCKITY MUCK! MENE MENE TECKLE UPHARSIN!
SATCHEL ON BROTHER LONG NOZE, SATCH! BSSS! HRSG! BMMC! BUHCC! LHOOQ!
Come home, Baylor alumn’s! Relive campus days of old- remember when we all got plastered? A weekend of
comedic gold! Let’s light the bonfire, let’s set it ablaze. And hey, fall parties are over, let’s begin to haze! Bring family,
bring friends, let’s watch the parade, look over here, can you believe more statues were made!? Ten by my count, and
more to come, there’s where your donations go Baylor, good use of your funds? Oh well, forget it, let’s start the show:
might remember this from last year, it’s how it always goes. Here comes a ComeHoming queen hopeful in a convertable car. Where the hell’s Eric Schnupp? Probably pissing on a bar. This Rope’s packed with flavor so savor the fun,
you won’t be here long alumni, the weekend’s almost done. So drink to the days of a lost college craze. If you’re nearing the hill top, we hope you get through this phase. Can I get a Satch!? Satchel!!! Satchelissimmimmimo..oooo...ooo!
THE Cunning Linguist
spares a word:
ComeHoming! Can you believe it? You’d think
Baylor would realize what an incredible waste of
time this is by now. Annual events tend to show you
how much time you’re wasting. That and how little
you’ve accomplished in life. Well, no matter.
Campus is as humdrum as ever. A statsis,
a complete waste land of happenings. Oh the
humanity, oh the worthless wonder that is life.
But hey there, depressing Dan! Stop plaguing
the world with your sadness! Just because you’re
a human compost pile utilizing air in vain as you
whirl around this gloomy globe doesn’t mean
you’ve got to ruin it for everyone living the good
life!
Calm down. Read The Rope. It relaxes the mind, it
acutes the senses. It has helped many overcome, not
only their trials, but their tribulations as well. Where
can you get a Rope, you ask? Good news, gentle
reader: you’re holding one!
Your welcome,
-Bro’ Breakin’
Paragon of Man
Keko Keeper of Illiteracy
3
common ALL BUT PISSED AWAY
grounds
BOWL CHANCES
Football coaching staff
cant seem to flush out season
Well
keep
you
up.
1123 S. 8th Street
254.757.2957
Far more authentic than the olive garden,
but rest assured, this is not like those joints
where somebody miight tape a gun
to the back of the toilet.
After a disheartening loss to the
University of Kansas, the Baylor
Football coaching staff decided to
relieve themselves at local college
hangout Scruffy Murphy’s (a Rope
Advertiser!) through a few drinks
and discuss the defeat.
“[Kansas] Coach Mangino has
always been a wiz at putting together
plays,” said Baylor coach Guy
Morriss. “He’s great at effectively
teaching his players proper handeye coordination which is obviously
something our entire organization
needs to work on.”
There were other problems that
got under the skin and really burned
the entire staff.
“My guys were giving me way
too many false starts,” said Offensive
Line/Tight Ends Coach Eric
Schnupp. “Luckily, I was able to get
a good amount of hang and release
time out of our punts.”
Coach Schnupp apparently took
the loss harder than the rest of the
staff.
“Coach was obviously in need of
some sort of voluntary release to get
over the defeat,” said an unnamed
Chamber member. “He requested
some ‘chamber pots’ for much
needed assistance and we obliged.”
However, Schnupp isn’t one to
deal with the loss sitting down.
“Whenever Schnupp has something
on his mind to take care of, he stands
up and just does all of his needed
business,” said Ignatius Potsdam
Freeley, a childhood friend. “He’s the
best at keeping himself composed,
bar none.”
While lamenting over missed
chances, the Waco Police Department
decided it was best to take Coach
Schnupp into custody due to his poor
demeanor at the late-night hangout.
The official police report quoted
complaints from the bartender that
Schnupp was “depressing everyone”
and “raining on everyone’s parade.”
The entire football team is keeping
there fingers crossed, eyes crossed,
and even legs crossed for a speedy
mental recovery for the popular
coach.
A starting offensive lineman had
a suggestion to offer Schnupp. “To
keep from stressing out, I told him to
just shake it off afterwards.”
You there!
Ugly!
Get a Rope
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send your declarations of want to:
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Are you tired of
being made
fun of?
Want everyone
to think your
cool? Do the Put
downs get to
you? wish you
had friends? wish
someone would
talk to you? Ever
wonder what it
all means? think
someones
watching you?
wish you didnt
have such a
disasterous
childhood?
want a jet-pack?
enjoy merriment?
tired of being
picked last for
every sport ever?
wish you could
feel feelings? Etc.
etc. etcetara?
HANKS
Branch Davidian
Joke Tastefully
Left out of Headline
Controversy once again bubbled
underneath the calm underbelly of the
Baylor Baptist Bastion of Drama. Protectors
of Baptist identity and heritage are fuming
over the rise in popularity of the campus’ most
charismatic figure.
“He’s beautiful. I weep as he passes by
on campus,” said impressionable freshman
Theodore Snartletoober. “When I hear him
whistle, I know in my heart that all is right
with the world no matter how bad a day I’m
having!”
The hat-tipping, sunshining figure is
English Professor Tom Hanks, an unlikely and
unwilling savior.
“Don’t know what all the fuss is about,” Hanks
claimed, flashing a toothy grin and flashing a twinkle in
his eye.
“Well, I do,” said Baylor Unifarcity President John
Lilley, interrupting our interview with Hanks. “His
following spits in the face of everything that’s selfrighteous and good about Baylor.”
The Hanks Cult of Faith has clashed so violently
with Baylor’s almost questionable strict adherence to
Baptist doctrine that the administration threatened to
fire Dr. Hanks and expel his followers.
“I hate [the administration]. All we want to do is
enjoy each and every shiny, beautiful day,” claimed
Melanie Mophandle, Paris junior and Level 2B Cult
Member. “I gnash my teeth at [President Lilley]. I cast
stones upon him whenever I see him on the street,
provided, of course, that I’m in possession of stones.”
While the administration and Friends of Lilley are
furious at the rise of the friendly campus fixture, his
followers claimed he innocently wooed them with
“whistlings that could evoke a tree sloth to move like a
crack addict” and a manner of “divine equanimity.” He
did this all, impressively, mostly in iambic pentameter
“He tipped his hat to me and my vision was
restored,” said Lorena freshman and formerly blind
person Lauren Bartimaeus. “Of course, I didn’t know
had he tipped his hat to me at the time since I was blind
and all. But I asked somebody afterward and they told
SCREW
UPS!
accidentally
starts cult
me that’s how it happened. Pretty neat stuff.”
The occurrences have baffled religious
scholars internationally; the most baffled of
which reside locally.
“It’s an interesting and unprecedented
occurrence,” Dr. William H. Bellinger Jr.,
chair of the Religion Department, said.
“I’ve never seen such an abrupt and
distinct rift in a religious community. I
loathe Dr. Hanks with the unmitigated
entirety of my soul [...] To be fair, a good
portion of my soul is devoted to Christ,
but still.”
Dr. William added, “I’d say it’s
50-50; half of my soul devoted to
loathing Hanks, the other half, to
loving Jesus.”
Hanks has approached this spiritual
revolution with exceptional optimism. He
seems almost blissfully unaware of his status or the
controversy.
“Lovely day we’re having,” Hanks offered in
response to administrative pressures to cease and desist
his zealotry.
Of course, Hanks’ cult is not the first to arise in the
Central Texas area. Some shun the Hanks Cult of Faith
in the recollection of past factions, such as the Wacoan
Waco Waver Sect of Waco.
Thousands followed a local monk-like individual
known only as the Waco Waver, believing his “worldly
motions transcended life itself.”
“I was driving to Teriyaki Park when I first saw
him,” said Arthur Frink, a local college drop out. “He
waved at me, a wave just for me, and from then on I
knew the center of the universe lay in Waco, Texas.”
“He determines the motions of the universe with
those waves,” said Conroe senior David Lister.
A number of copycat wavers that suffered horrific
appendage sprains ultimately diffused the Waco Waver
Sect of Waco.
But Hanks’ denies any similarities between the
Waver sect and his own followers – who he calls
his “students.” Instead, he claims to simply instill
confidence and inspire those of his faith system.
“I hate to see another controversy brewing. What
say we settle this over a nice home-cooked meal?” he
offered. “Come on. I’ll buy the bread.
In the ‘Dr. NoZe Presents’ article,
we hint that AXO’s are of a sexually
promiscuous and chock-full of
disease. We retract this statement;
Bro. Love Potion # NoZe’s rash
cleared up and he’s back on the
scene and ready for love-making.
Kappas have recently been
found to be the peddlers of sexual
downsides. Please pray that Bro.
Grand NoZe Party’s full recovery.
In the ‘John Lilley & Bob Barker:
Separated at Birth?’ article, we make
humrous jibes at Lilley’s age and
apathy for campus happenings.
We don’t retract any of these,
or any other previous statements
concerning John Lilley.
We’d just like to point out that
we’re not as spineless as those at The
Lariat.
Except for Bro. Panic at the
DiscNoZe. That guy’ll run from
anything.
In the ‘Hill Bail Bonds’ advert,
an ampersands is used instead of a
Crime
Blotter
Burglary of a motor vehicle occured between
10:10 and 10:50 a.m. Oct. 19 at Third Street and
Dutton Avenue. Some stoeln items still missing
include a Hello Kitty purse, 24 tomagochis,
13 graphic novels, and 17 lewd anime DVDs.
If found, contact Sugarland junior and KOT
member Jake Morgan.
An accident occured at 2:30 p.m. Saturday at
Fifth Street Parking Garage. No vehicles were
harmed, only Kevin Farmer’s pride was injured.
Public exposition charges were dropped.
Minor consuming arrests occured from 5:00
p.m. to 4:00 a.m. frequently at Penland, Martin,
Brooks, Russell, Collins and those various other
dorms whose names currently escape me.
Vandalism of a Facebook profile occured
between 3:34 and 4:10 p.m. Brendon Wabb’s
Facebook status now claims ‘Brendon Wabb
is in love with his sausage.’ Please contact the
sausage-loving Brendon Wabb if you have any
information regarding the defamation.
Missing episode of ‘The Hills’ reported
between 11:00 and 12:00 p.m. The one where
Lauren and Brody hook up in Vegas. If found,
Tivo it for me.
Damage of property occured between 12:10
and 12:15 a.m. at the bench behind the SUB on a
ruined romantic evening. My heart will never be
repaired dammit Bridget I loved you I hope you
die alone.
A burglary between 5 miles north and 13:73
a.m. occurred in another dimension. Three cats
assaulted a mousketeer and the Dutchess of
Sardonia. 12 monkeys ate a beluga whale. The
schoolbus turns.
percentage symbol. We apologize,
our crack-team of copy editors are
illiterate.
We don’t possess the same
credibility as those who labor
away at our upstanding campus
newspaper. We’re not all destined
for the greatness that is the ‘Waco
Tribune-Herald.’
Speaking of, anyone catch that
raunchy headline? What is the world
coming to when ‘SEX’ is used so
willy-nilly and in such large font?
5
Vitek’ s
BBQ
1600 Speight Avenue
254.752.7591
At Vitek’s, Happy Days
are here again.
lunch?
so, arnolds
for
Dumbledore, Siegfried and RoyThe magic industry’s
Princes of the Universe.
Rowling reveals
dumbledores sexual orientation
Headmaster
Role Redefined
At a recent New York City press
conference, J.K. Rowling, author of
the popular Harry Potter fictional
series, revealed that the Headmaster
of Harry’s school, Albus Dumbledore,
was in fact a homosexual.
With the recent news of
Dumbledore’s sexual
persuasion striking the
,
nation, fans of the
to
magical series have
had split opinions over
the development.
Most Harry Potter
. readers
were surprised to
learn that Dumbledore was
gay.
“Who would have any idea that a
wand carrying, flamboyantly dressed,
phoenix taming wizard was gay?”
asked Brick Rudders, a closet Harry
Potter fan. “I sure didn’t.”
However, there were some
individuals who were able to detect
that something with the wizard was
amiss.
Leo Finkelstein, a self-described
Harry Potter fanatic, wasn’t exactly
startled about the recent revelation.
“Well, I do have Gaydar,” said
Finkelstein, Harry Potter super fan.
“I pretty much found out when I read
that Lance Bass was discovered in
sit on it potsie
were going
viteks
Dumbledore’s pensieve.”
Even a famous pair of magicians
have put in their two cents about
Dumbledore. “We’ve always been
big fans of J.K. Rowling,” said
Siegfried and Roy, magical tiger
disciplinarians.
“We just know that he would’ve
been a big hit in Vegas.”
Those who have shown
disapproval of the recent revelation
have proved their intentions
to remove as much “wizarding
material” as possible to prevent
further indiscretions.
Several groups around the
country with distaste for the recent
development have coined November
“Limp-Wristed Wand Month” and
any material with the word “wizard”
will be subsequently removed at
bonfires around the nation .
Some of the items in question that
will be removed include materials
from “The Wizard of Oz,” The
Washington Wizards, and The Who hit
single “Pinball Wizard.”
Other popular fictional characters
that have come out of the closet
include Waylon Smithers from The
Simpsons, Will Truman from Will
and Grace, and every character from
SpongeBob Squarepants.
Knowledgeable Students
THIS IS THE SINGLE GREATEST
In a less than shocking report
released Saturday, research
showed a sharp decline in
the number of students who
actually know what the hell
they’re talking about over the
past decade. While no one
was particularly shocked at
this notion, the researchers
themselves fear that no one will
conduct this study 20 years from
now.
The study, which was drafted
from a sample of 700 Baylor
students, showed a low to
moderately low level of political
knowledge based on a series
of questions which included
“Who is the current president?”,
“What is the political affiliation
of Hilary Clinton?”, and “What
two countries neighbor the
United States?”
“The knowledgeable student
has always been a rare breed,”
said Dr. Ronald Simpson,
leading student
political researcher
and president of the
Endangered Student
Association. “I’d attribute
their decline in recent years
to natural selection. Most
of them don’t find
mates. Others
simply don’t find time
to reproduce. In any
case, it’s a wonder any of
them still exist today.”
Sources outside I can’t believe I’m standing here, accepting this
most noble of honors. Why, just yesterday I was
just a kid from the suburbs. A nobody with nothing
to lose and everything to gain. An average Joe, but
those who knew me weel enough knew I was nearly
bursting with potential. And here I am now.
There’s my family. My mother. Look how happy
she is. She won’t stop taking pictures of me! Haha,
oh, I love her.
Dad. That’s right dad, your son made it. You
shaped me, old man. I’m the son any father would
be happy to call his offspring. He beams with pride.
That’s right dad, I made it.
There’s little Timmy, looking up at his big,
successful big brother. Some day little Timmy,
maybe you’ll be receiving such an honor as I have
today. Keep trying Timmy, you slugger, you rascal.
You might reach this level of prominence yet.
And there’s Aunt Ruth. Aunt Ruth came all the
way from Anchorage just to see me. Me. Good
Lord, she hasn’t had any human contact or seen the
light of day for a good month. You know you’ve
accomplished something great when Aunt Ruth
emerges from the artic tundra to watch you accept
an award.
Look at all these people here. All of them in
wonder of what man has become. Here I stand, the
paragon of man! Gaze upon me!
That’s right, you guy, in the third row from the
left- the ugly one. You’re looking at the
recipient of an award so prestigious that
this is the first time they’ve given it to
anyone. You there, curly, have you ever
received something like this?
No.
And you’ve never looked
this good either. My tie is
knotted perfectly. My suit
pressed well. My pants, well
-creased.
I deserve this honor.
closer to extinction than ever
the association blame the decline
on poaching and loss of habitat,
saying that the politicallyminded student is always an
easy target for most any form of
self-hate inducing ridicule. Last
year, the population of students
interested in politics was near
cut in half, with the majority of
the loss attributed to depression
and the release of the new World
of Warcraft expansion.
“Last year actually marked
the complete extinction of the
politically-minded student in
Nevada.” Simpson said. “Some
migrated west to California, but
many were lost to
natural
causes. Studies have shown
that even apes are capable of
formulating their own opinions.
It’s said that some students can’t
do the same.”
The Endangered Student
Association has warned that by
the 2008 elections the politically
knowledgeable student may
be completely extinct, which
could spell disaster for the voice
of 18 to 21 year olds around
the country. When asked to
comment on the issue, Baylor
Democrats noted the lack of
attention to recent health care
changes paid on behalf of
the Endangered Student
Association and refused
to comment, while
College Republicans
simply noted that
association had never
given them any
money.
MOMENT OF MY LIFE
7
Hey wait a second how long
has my fly been down?
Wait. Oh no. How long have I been exposed like
this? How long have I been unfastened? I can’t
believe I’m standing here, accepting this most
noble of honors with my fly down! Oh God, just
a moment ago I was on top of the world, an elite,
but look at me now! I’m a fool, a joke and everyone
knows it! Should I zip up? If I do I’ll only bring
attention to myself! What a conundrum I’ve been
placed in.
Mom, please. Please stop taking pictures of me.
Dad, really, I don’t know how this could’ve
happened. I swear I had closed my barn door when
I finished my business. I know, dad, you don’t have
to say anything. You could never call me your son
again.
Oh no, little Timmy, please stop pointing at my
crotch. Oh dammit, even Timmy’s smart enough
to remember to zip up. Stop laughing at me! From
this moment on he will pity his dumb older brother.
How could he ever look up to an unzipped idiot
like me?
I’m so sorry Aunt Ruth. You came all the way
from Alaska to see me exposed to the world. Me,
a fool of society. Good Lord, she hasn’t had any
human contact or seen the light of day for a good
month, and here I am, fly down, showing her
society isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You know
you’ve hit rock-bottom when Aunt Ruth emerges
from the arctic tundra and you thank her by letting
your sun-don’t-shine catch air of the winter breeze.
Lord, look at all these people here. All of them in
wonder of how someone they were once going to
honor could be so stupid. ‘Paragon of man.’ I’m not
worthy of calling myself such. I should instead call
myself a simpleton. A nincompoop. A boob.
That’s right, you guy, in the third row from the
left- the ugly one. You’re looking at a boob. Go
ahead, point and laugh at the boob. Point at his
exposed crotch. Once the potential recipient of an
award so prestigious I was to be the only one to
receive it, I am now nothing. You there, baldy, have
you ever done something this stupid? No.
Curse this 4-inch fasten. Curse this mind for not
remembering to grasp that tiny piece of metal and
pull up. Curse the task that could’ve save my pride.
When I get home I’m throwing away all the
pants I own that feature zippers. No, all articles
of clothing with such an insidious clasp. I’ll purge
the zipper from my life for what is has done to me
today!
I’ll punish myself too. I’ll go back to that toilet
where I first conceived this instance of social suicide
and I’ll plunge my face in the filthy waters to let
myself know that if I ever forget to zip up again
there will be consequences. That will show me.
No, throw that award away. Don’t hand it to me,
I don’t deserve it. Can’t you see? Look. Look at it!
Look at my crotch! It’s exposed! You can see my
boxers through the hole in my pants! You think I’m
worthy of such an award? You think a knucklehead
like me could even conceive of receiving such an
honor?
You do? Oh. Alright then.
It could’ve been worse, I guess. I could’ve wet
myself.
Faculty Senate focuses
on prominent issues at recent meeting
tenure, construction
and addition of exciting
new odwalla flavor
Intensely debated
The Faculty Senate met this last week for a
much needed pow-wow regarding campus affairs.
“I’m really glad we had this talk,” said Matthew
Cordon, Faculty Senate chairman and overeager
conversationalist. “We got to iron out some of the
more important issues pertaining to our student
body and administration in this, the new century.”
Much to our dismay, he continued on. “Serious
issues have been affecting our campus in the last
few years, and it’s a wonder that no one has had
the balls to face them and come up with answers.”
He then went on to give a harsh, lengthy and
entirely unnecessary critique of the Java City in
the library basement.
“If they’re not going to serve the blackened
chicken wrap in both flour and spinach tortillas
varieties every day, then what’s the point in the
first place? This is a prestigious university, and I’ll
be damned if bush league culinary practices are
going to find their place in these hallowed halls.”
The dangers of the lack of tortilla flavors at the
campus restaurant are all well known. It’s taken
years of pressing the issue to get authorities finally
taken to task on it. The students are responding.
“Finally we’re making progress,” said senior
Bart Matthewsonavich. “I remember protesting
about those tortillas as a freshman, and we’re
finally getting it fixed. I’m happy for the next
generation.”
Cordon continued to fume about this particular
issue long after anyone within earshot was
interested.
Other members of the Faculty Senate
had more pertinent issues to talk about. “We
have recently reviewed the prospect of
adding an extra five minutes to
the passing interval between
classes,” said Dianna Vitanza,
senate chair emeritus. “These
days, Baylor ‘s campus is
so extensive, that it hardly
makes sense to allow
students only ten minutes
to walk the quarter mile from
say, the science building to Old
Main.” She paused, “Why, that’s
a walking pace of… let’s see,
a quarter divided by ten…
roughly one pace every two
seconds! Travesty!”
Baylor regent Neal “Fuddy
Buddy” Jones chimed in, “Through
nothing but sheer clevering and
cunningness, we have found a way to suck
more money out of the pockets of our students
and their families!” He expounded, “By keeping
tuition at the same price and decreasing the
duration of classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, it
turns out that they pay us $328.33 per semester to
walk around on our campus. Brilliant!”
The Faculty Senate also debated the issue
of running criminal background checks on all
potential faculty starting next spring. Just so we’re
clear, this would imply that in the 162-year history
of Baylor University, criminal background checks
on faculty have never been required.
Furthermore, the senate saw the passing of an
official university code of ethics. While no official
draft of said code has been released, most agree
that the addition of the new code was “the ethical
thing to do.”
“The addition of this new code will ensure that
the young hoodlums entering their first years of
college here will live up to the Baylor standard,”
said Dennis Myers, faculty senate member and
all-around jaded individual. “The university
definition of ‘ethical’ purposely remains as vague
as possible in order to include as many infractions
as we choose.”
Most importantly, however, the Faculty
Senate passed a resolution to reinstate the
office of ombudsperson. While no one in the
room could give a reasonable definition of an
“ombudsperson,” or why the position was
originally terminated, several key senate members
agreed that it “just sounded cool.”
“I’m so relieved that we finally have an official
ombudsperson for Baylor’s Faculty Senate,” said
Doug Meriwether, a Houston freshman. “When I
was choosing colleges in the spring, the only thing
that had me considering other choices for my
education was the lack of a faculty ombudsman.
Glad to see that Baylor has finally stepped up.”
Still under the momentum from
such a productive meeting,
several members of the
Faculty Senate eagerly
anticipate their
next meeting.
Cordon, who
hadn’t stopped
talking since
his first quote
in this article,
said that he had
high hopes for the
future role of the
Faculty Senate.
“Now that people
are taking us
seriously, I finally
feel that we’re
making a real
difference here
at Baylor.”
Baylor alters
Designated Driver Program
Service to Carry Sinful Students to
Church after Night of Gross Debauchery
After making a slight alteration, Baylor University’s Board of Regents
unanimously approved the Baylor University Designated Driver or BUDD
program. The Board decided to change the program so that rather than
directly transporting intoxicated students home after a night of morality
abandonment, the shuttle service will instead pick students up from their
place of irreverence and immediately transit them to a local Baptist Church.
“We are truly pleased the university and the student senate could finally
work together to push this plan through,” said Junior Adam Renz, architect
of the senate initiative. “I can’t believe I was able to get these drunk kids to
safely go to church. This way they’ll live a better life and after-life. I must say,
I’m feeling pretty good about myself right now.”
Following the slight change to the program, the Board of Regents was able
to pass the resolution without a hitch. “The regents were skeptical at first
because they believed that the program would somehow encourage student
alcohol consumption,” said an unidentified source. “After the revision,
however, the board was able to come to the agreement that shoving students
into a place of worship immediately after their hell-bent night was the best
remedy for their heinous actions and the best way to get them back to some
good old fashioned clean living.”
The newly designed shuttle program consists of a fleet of 1992 Buick
LeSabres painted in the non-extravagant color of “cautious grey.” Each sedan
is equipped with Joel Olsteen seat covers, various stick-on Jesus figurines for
the dashboard, and bottled holy water cup holders.
The designated fleet of LeSabres will then drop-off the students to
any Baptist church in the Waco area. Students will be led into a brightly
illuminated sanctuary where they will sit in the pews and listen to any “fireand-brimstone sermon” of the pastor’s choice over loud speakers. Baylor has,
in addition, encouraged the churches to inform the intoxicated students that
they’re ordering pizzas so they can pass around an early collection plate.
President John Lilley wants to make sure that Baylor students know that
the administration is not attempting to control how they behave out of school.
“I want to make sure students don’t think that Baylor is a “Big Brother” that
constantly supervises them on their night out at Treff’s,” said Lilley. “That
job’s for the Big Father.”
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That taxi fares better spent on another drink.
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703 N. Valley Mills
254.772.9348
Remember
When Pizzas
Stand
For Something, Man?
Used to
friendship
"I’ll Be There for You"
Hey bud! We’ve been through a
lot together the past couple of years.
Remember when you aced your
spring semester, sophomore year? I
was there to help you through the late
night study sessions and the pre-test
jitters. After the results came back, we
threw a rager and let everyone know
what the ‘A’ stood for: Awesome!
Yeah, we’ve had a lot of good times
together. But not everyday is cool and
sometimes you’ve gotta stroll through
those damn dark valleys. When you
and your girlfriend broke up after
almost two years, I was there
for you buddy. We sat
together on your porch,
you strummed your
was a little country. You were rockand-roll. But, by God brother, we took
Penland by storm. The dirty third
was ours, we owned that floor and
we told our CL’s how it was going to
go down. Scoring chicks and raiding
losers on the second floor, we started
a friendship that’s never gonna end.
That’s right brother, I’ll
always be there for ya. And I know
you’ll always be there for me. That’s
what bro’s do, they’re there for each
other. Sure, we’ll play pranks on each
other; I’m a sucker for hiding your
keys from ya and hooking you up
with
embarrassing skanks.
Of course, you like
to drag me out to
parties
when
guitar and let
the pain fade
away. Yeah
brother, I feel ya.
‘Course, things
are still keeping on, and
we’re hanging out like we
always do. I manage to catch
ya passing between classes in
the b-school least once a day. It’s
good to have a couple of minutes
catching up and just shooting the
breeze. Plus we’ll have that class with
Delaney next fall… man we’re gonna
have to put extra time together to get
through that nut-cutter. But me and
Delaney are on pretty good terms, so
we might get a slight edge if we’re
lucky.
I just wanted to let you know,
that whatever happens this year, I’m
hear for ya buddy. I’ll be here and
if you stick around for a fifth-year, I
can work some deal with my folks
for one or two more classes and we’ll
still have each other’s back. It’s real,
brother. The bond we got…it’s real.
Since we first started hanging out
back first week of freshman year, I
sometimes I’d
just like to lay
around and chill in
the freezer. But that’s
just part of the code.
I’m gonna be there for
you through the last years at
Baylor and I’ll always check
in on ya and keep in touch.
I know you’ll be doing the
same with me. Good times and
bad times, we’ll be together
no matter who tries to come
between us.
So remember, whenever the
world’s trying to knock you down
and the man’s putting the screws
to you, you’ve always got someone
to count on. I’ll be there for you
till 9 p.m., middle shelf, back isle,
discount with Baylor I.D. Maybe
next time we hang out, I can bring
my buddies Johnny and his scruffy
pal, McCormick. I know ya’ll will get
along just fine.
At Poppa Rollos, they still do. They still...do.
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our sandwiches rival 12th
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Monday through Friday: 10:00 am to 8:00 pm
Saturday: 10:00 am to 4:00 pm
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Love ya bro.,
Jack Daniels, Esquire.
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254.755.7797
1620 N Lake Brazos Blvd
11
Point
Outsourcing is crucial
to any American business or education venture
By: Austin Kluck,
Senior-Accounting
Well
I must
say it’s
been quite an
eventful four years.
Good
grades and good times all through
college but yet, something is missing,
something troubles my usually
happy thoughts. As as a business
major I think it’s time I said what all
my fellow classmates in Hankhamer
have thought since their first junior
year. Not only is outsourcing vital to
American business, it’s also crucial to
American education. I know
this is impossible for liberal
arts students to understand
but believe me, it’s a fact. The
continuing integration of the
global economy and astonishing
rise in university education rates in
previously uncompetitive countries
and regions is forcing America to cut
costs. How does this relate to Baylor,
you ask? That’s easily answered:
allow Baylor to pioneer a program
allowing upper-level students the
option of outsourcing their ineffective
and outdated classes to students
in China and India. These students
produce high quality academic output
counter
at a fraction of the cost. Wouldn’t you
like to pay $400 and earn an “A” for
three hours of Biology credit? See
those kind of budget saving measures
would allow students to forego the
waste on classes unrelated to their
specialized focus (ie: Major or minor)
and invest those savings in furthering
their knowledge and productivity
in far more valuable fields. Baylor
would still get the same amount of
tuition monies and probably gain
more international students from
participating countries.
Universities have already conceded
that their priority in this age is to
prepare future graduates for their
Point
chosen professions and life in the
“real-world”.
The best way is to allow students
to practice outsourcing early to get
a head start on the competition. If
Baylor wants to be top-tier they’re
going to have to be aggressive and
create modern ground-breaking
academic programs and philosophies.
Outsourcing is the new big thing,
just like the internet was a decade ago
and contraception was a century past,
and it only makes sense for Baylor
to utilize them both like I have and
apply this new and wonderful device
to improving the academic quality
and experience here at BU.
By: Dr. Kent Gilbreath,
Economics professor and
all-around genius
an interesting point
but why shouldn’t i fail you?
Well Austin, I agree with
you that outsourcing is an exciting
and immeasurably important new
concept in the global economy. It’s the
latest update in Adam Smith’s idea on
specialization of labor. This practice
is the root from which all forms of
capitalism sprout and it allows our
economies to grow and expand,
providing new opportunities for
everyone. However, there is one slight
flaw in your argument.
You see, you fail to adjust for the
fact that you’re an idiot.
Now don’t get me wrong, you
have a wonderful presence in class and
you always provide valuable insights
into whatever topic is discussed. You
make good grades and you even
raise good questions that cause me
to seriously examine the subject. But
sadly you’ve fallen victim to the many
symptoms of seniorities, the worst
being idiocy. I understand you’ve
made good grades and you’re set to
enjoy great success in the business
world. But that doesn’t forgive you
for making outrageous claims about
which you know only the slightest.
Education is a valuable part of life
and it prepares students for the world
they’ll enter after they’re graduation.
But just like the free-market, education
requires a strong and reliable source of
accountability to ensure the quality of
any product. How, I ask, would you be
tested for the knowledge of a course
you outsource to another student? You
say that the subject or knowledge is
unnecessary and that proving mastery
of it is erroneous. Well lets put it this
way: if you had outsourced your
elementary school finger-painting,
you never would have met your first
girlfriend. This powerful experience
had a lasting impact on your approach
on grand topics like love and the
nature of life. So you see, missing that
experience would
have
the cumulative effect of
leaving you a socially-retarded nerd
without any of the charisma or selfconfidence necessary to succeed in
free-enterprise. So go ahead and try
outsourcing if you’d like to consign
yourself to a basement crunching
numbers for your superiors. Oh and by
the way, don’t order that graduation
robe just yet. I think you’re about
to learn a valuable lesson about
outsourcing that economic model
assignment to another student. The
lesson? Outsourcing education is only
smart if you don’t get caught.
2000 copies of
Norton antivirus
shipped to Zimbabwe
Jenny Miller: “Just doing my part”
I was in Chapel one day and I heard about the plight of burgeoning
oooodeeeseee’s. I know that there are people out there with, like, real serious
problems, and as fall parties are upon me and I’m surrounded by only my
sisters I realize how truly blessed I am. This year alone we managed to
raise enough money to accomplish all our goals, and our brother house was
allowed back on campus. Then it happened, we went to chapel one day as a
group, it being fall parties and all… we only go to classes we have together…
and then it hit me, just because we cant fraternize with anyone outside of
the sisters, whom I love… BFF’s. Doesn’t mean we can’t help those less
fortunate.
Did you know that viruses are rampant in Africa? Yep… it’s true, just
this last year there were 28 million cases reported in Africa. And all our
brothers and sisters over there need help. I mean I don’t know a lot about
medicine, but I do know that the lady was talking about raising money for
antivirus research, so I looked into the subject more closely. It turns out there
is an antivirus made by this company named Norton and if you buy it it’ll
automatically update to, like take care of new viruses and stuff.
Now the lady at Chapel was talking about like raising a million dollars for
AIDS, and we all decided we wanted to help, so we’d be AIDS… but like on
our own. But we couldn’t talk to anyone outside of the society (go Kappa) so
we decided we’d raise money and send the stuff over there ourselves, you
know…to...um...Africa.
Well long story short, we all dug deep and I found this company that
would give us a discount, we managed to get together enough (with bake
sales, cover charges, and new sorority shirts we required everyone to buy)
to send like 2000 copies of Norton antivirus to Zimbabwe… yep, we just
dropped them in a box and mailed them over.
I’m hoping in time that a gift this large will get us more recognition, but
that’s not why we did it… to be honest, I just hope when people think AIDS
they’ll think Kappa… we’re here to help all our brothers and sisters, and on
campus we pretty much are the only equivalent to African AIDS. But after fall
premier, we’re looking forward to spreading the AIDS of Africa mentality all
over campus.
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mister
PUZZLE
sez!
please sever
the ties of
my existence!
but first,
Your Move!
Panache
Located in “Uptown” inside Sironia
1509 Austin Ave.
While you're planning your bold
take over and concocting ways
to do away with me for good,
Ponder the question:
Do you really need
another article of
Contemporary Fashions
For Baylor Babes!
Tuesday – Saturday
10am – 6pm
BEAR BUCKS ACCEPTED!
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if it's as 'rad' as a
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Kid Nation
moves to adopt
diplomatic stance
in dealing with the
Middle-East
Tuesday morning saw a new turn for international politics as Kid Nation,
responding to pressures from the international community, adopted a diplomatic
stance in reference to the Middle East. The United Nations applauded the young
oligarchy, saying that these steps taken now will greatly affect the state as it
continues to grow.
Iran and Sierra have welcomed the developing nation with open arms, and
other major Middle Eastern players are expected to follow.
Though young and somewhat naïve, it seems the infant regime may be on to
something. The blue team, which took control of the nation after last week’s feat
of strength, say that free trade and open relations are exactly the vitamins that Kid
Nation needs to grow big and strong.
Todd “The Toad” Gold, captain of the blue team, told reporters that the
change in outlook is vital to the future of the state.
“My administration is going to be vastly different than that of yellow team.
They did a great deal of damage with trade sanctions and relaxed taxation,
which is exactly the opposite of what we need right now. It’s surprising that they
destroyed so much of what was great about our child-like culture in just last week.
“A pro-diplomatic stance is most important in the chaotic political climate
witnessed in today’s international scene, and to be frank is what’s best for us if we
want to ever live to see secondary school.”
Gold, who was named leader after winning Tuesday’s tug-of-war challenge,
has had an eye on leadership since his youth.
While at an age that many Kid Nation analysts deem past political prime, the
12-year-old seems to mix an FDR style of leadership with a “Brando-es” charm. A
reformer, Todd’s inaugural speak reignited support from the green and red team,
which hardly ever play a large role in the juvenile county’s politics.
Still, not all of Kid Nation’s population agrees with Gold’s actions.
The yellow team is gunning to win back their leadership and some fear their
militaristic outlook might ignite tempers.
Next week’s challenge, a hot dog eating contest, will determine the future of
the fledgling nation. This could spell disaster for Gold and his administration as
“Beluga” Billy Barnstein is competing for the yellows, and accounting to reports
“once ate an entire 6 inch sandwich in one bite.”
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15
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Hola Seniorities! I’m here to show my appreciation of the fairer sex.
Ladies, we’ve had plenty of good times together, here at Baylor. There’s quite
a few I can’t actually remember, but the stories I’ve heard and messages of
thanks, sorrow or anger all sound like it was pretty intense. The experiences
that I do remember, however, were totally great. Like the time I surprised
Amanda with a candlelight dinner for two with a café setup and genuine
French cuisine and wine, served by well-dressed pledges. Yeah, good times
have been had by all. But ladies, as with all things, college is soon coming to
an end. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Oh no, we could never land a guy
like you to be our hubby. You’re SOOO big!” Normally, you’d be right, but
here’s the deal Lucille: you ladies are waiting longer and longer to make the
hitch. (Yeah, I read that in the Times, I’m sophisticated bitches).
Why does that matter, you ask? Because, unlike guys, the longer you
wait to get married, the less attractive and in-shape your spouse is gonna be.
Ladies, I know you’re looking to live that TV fantasy life and skip through
Manhattan in a pair of Christian Louboutins, going to a hip night-club for
cosmos with the girls. But here’s the deal, single men don’t find 40-year olds
attractive, they find 20-year old women attractive.
Don’t believe me? How many times do ya’ll been checked out by older
guys every day? Yeah, now ask yourself why so many single women in their
40’s never hook-up. Because unlike the wines you so love, you won’t get
better with age. And it’s not a one way street, us guy’s will get wrinkled and
we’ll move slower. Our joints will get stiff, we’ll get lethargic, and we’ll be
overweight.
Seriously though, which of you ladies aren’t planning on getting
married and having kids? Aside from you ladies in Birkenstocks, ya’ll are
going to be settling down and having a family (two-mommy families don’t
count). So if you want to be skipping
along with your adderol-calmed child
in your matching Lilly Pulitzer outfits,
I suggest you skip this “single-girl”
fantasy and just go ahead and settle
already. If we put off the inevitable we’ll be
getting less attractive spouses, with no time to
find our second spouse after the 50% chance
divorce. And who wants to be alone in
their golden years?
It even makes sense
economically. If you ladies start
your careers before you start
your inevitable family, you’re
going to miss a lot of serious time
in the workplace.
This is where you’ll miss those
promotions and opportunities that
go to less qualified male counterparts.
If you do the “kid thing” before entering
the workplace, then by the time they’re
old enough to be left by themselves, you
can start a career without any maternal
interruptions. Ladies, it makes perfect
sense. We’re going to wind up together
sooner or later, so why don’t we make it
sooner and enjoy each other while we’re
still sexy? Call me.
Gyarr!
Shiver me timbers,
ye Landlubbers!
By The Grade Point Pirate
Ahoy, ye scallywags! Tis I, the
deadly Captain Firepants! I’m the
scourge of students far and wide,
and now, I’m here to raid ya’r
booty!
Gyarr! Ya think you can win
a match of wits wit’ the deadly
Firepants?! I’ll slice and dice wit’
me wits o’ steel and leave your
grade point in ribbons!
Ha, ha! Ya n’er even saw me
coming ya sea-slug! Ya thought I be
a harmless classmate wit nothing
more than coasting-by on me mine.
But avast ye wretch! I’m here to take
ya’r chances of academic success for
me treasure! I’ve plunder the riches
o’ the helpless students throughout
the seven seats I’ve sat.
And now I’m stealing the curve
for me own! I’ll sack sophomore’s
and senior’s grades alike, and leave
no one to complain; since I’ll be
sending their averages to Davey
Jones’s locker! Gyarr! No student
has ever made an ‘A’ when I’m on
the prowl and no ‘limy professor
can save ya from the devastation I’ll
set upon ya wit!
Ya think ya’ll be saved by the
fleet of tutors on the horizon? No
mind is quick enough to catch the
Fleeting Pun, me pride and joy!
I know the ins-and-outs o’ every
course that’s there to take, leaving
the slower students trembling in me
wake: ha, ha!
Perhaps I’ll be in one o’ me good
moods when the battle of wits
comes to be, and I’ll be kind enough
to leave ya a ‘C’ to row away on. I
left many o’ average get away with
a ‘C’ to be rescued the next semester
by the fools of British Literature,
aye, they’re me unending foes.
But for those unlucky dogs that
cross me, I make ‘em hold the heavy
weight of an F an’ make ‘em walk
the plank for me own pleasure!
Gyarr! But I’m no heartless heathen
like me deckhand, Popoa Librésea.
I’ll n’er force a lady to walk the
plank.
But a common wench or harlot?
Ha, ha! She be knowing full and
well that she’ll only be getting the
D from me! So be ware, ya salty
sea-dogs! Ya’r fate for this class be
sealed.
Beg me for mercy and I’ll spare
your average and give ya a chance
at future success. But as for those of
ya that raise me ‘ire, I’ll be showing
ya just how far down the endless
deep of the Grade Point Average
can go! Gyarr!
Freshman Girl hit with
massive case of “Senioritis”
Causing a minor stir on campus, claims of an impending outbreak of
senioritis are circulating among the ladies of Collins. “I’m not sure, I haven’t
been tested,” said one anonymous girl. Unsubstantiated claims put the
outbreak originating with Whitney, Cassie or Becca on one of their typical
adventures. While usually harmless to students, senioritis can be fatal if
contracted by freshman. “Yeah, I’ve got senioritis. So what? Doesn’t do
me no harm. Why should I get treatment?” bragged senior Matt McDade.
Freshman girls receiving long-term exposure to “senioritis” are instructed to
seek treatment anonymously at the SLC. Senior guys are instructed to seek
freshman girls at the SLC with braggadocio.
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Board of regents
screw over
Alumni association
as BAA turn
a blind eye to vision 2012
In an unparalleled display of appreciation towards the former students
of Baylor University and their contributions, the Baylor Board of Regents
officially decided last week to screw over the alumni association.
“With Homecoming right around the corner, we wanted to make sure all
the alumni coming back understood that we don’t give a shit about them
anymore,” said chairman of the board Harold Cunningham. “As a university
attempting to achieve a delusional vision, we just don’t have time anymore to
listen to what they have to say. Our students are the future!”
While it comes as no surprise to some that Baylor doesn’t care for its
alumni, regent Neal “Buddy” Jones was eager to clarify the board’s position:
“It’s not that we’re entirely disinterested in them (we still love their money),
it’s just that we wish they’d shut up and stop being so concerned for the wellbeing of this university.”
To achieve their means, the board of regents decided last May to terminate
the alumni association’s fee-for-service relationship with the university,
leaving the BAA with a 13 percent deficit in their operating budget.
“We offered them the choice to accept Baylor’s glorious Vision 2012 several
times, and if they’re not going to follow us blindly, then I think that the
money is better spent elsewhere,” said Jones. “Besides, the money that was
going to the BAA constituted a whopping .06 percent of Baylor’s operating
budget. This could be better spent elsewhere, like say, replacing Burleson’s
statue with a more progressive one of Robert Sloan.”
President John Lilley was particularly frustrated with the BAA’s refusal
to embrace Vision 2012. “I tried everything I could to get them to hop on the
bandwagon with us,” he said. “I was courteous, I smiled often, and I even
deceptively insinuated that if they were to accept the vision that they would
have more influence over the administration!” Lilley chuckled, “I guess
if coercion doesn’t pressure them into giving up their free-thinking hippie
ideals, then we must resort to what the Good Book says and cast them into
the fire.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said regent Steve Carmack, notorious
for misunderstanding the situation at hand. “They’ve been fighting for their
independence from the university for years now, so why does it matter if we
decide to kick them onto the street like the poor? Maybe they should have
been careful what they asked for.”
BAA president Jeff Kilgore noted that the alumni association has in fact
been independently governed for almost 150 years, verifying Carmack’s
notoriety.
“Since the alumni association won’t officially support the Vision, we have
decided to find some people who will,” said Buddy Jones. “We’re looking
to publically announce our association with the group Friends of Baylor,
who we hope will replace the BAA. Founded a few years ago by a generous
‘donation’ in support of Robert Sloan, they’ve showed us more silent support
in three years than the alumni association has in 150 years.”
The administration wanted to make sure that all the alumni know knew
of their change in policy concerning the BAA, so that everyone could jump
ship and join up with Friends of Baylor. “While it is true that we’re giving
our alumni the finger,” Lilley said, “we still want them to reminisce of their
formative years this weekend and feel at ease while we suck up their money
during the festivities.”
New Class Based on
Harts and
by Studying
Crafts
Facebook Interrupted
A new sociology class based on the dynamics and socio-political effects of
Facebook is experiencing difficulties keeping students on task. Professor Miller,
who teaches the new 4000 level course, reports that he often finds students
engaged in math homework, history assignments, or English essays while he’s
attempting to lecture.
“The first week I explained the socio-ecological implications of the
wall, and students seemed interested”, said Miller, working on his iLike
Challenge. “Lately, however, students seem to spend all their time studying for
other classes. I caught one student memorizing physics formulas during my
Facebook Mobile seminar.”
The course, which covers the greater meaning and social wealth behind
Facebook, had many students sign up. The curriculum is structured around the
basic interface, then the applications, followed by a lengthy section on groups
and group dynamics that bleed into the cumulative final exam.
“I was under the impression that this class would be a test of how
well I use Facebook.” said Freshman Kara Singer, a University Scholars major
from Calabasas. “I didn’t come here to learn how the Zombie Application has
changed the structure of college social life. He’s also asking us to comment on
his Artbox, or to poke him. That’s just plain weird, who does that?”
The groups unit might pose a problem for some students, who simply
no longer attend the class. Miller has said that he wanted to be one of those
“laid back profs” who didn’t care about compulsory attendance, but now he
regrets not keeping track.
“It’s very discouraging” said Miller, reading his Honesty Box with
remorse. “Most students don’t even bring their laptops to class anymore. And
not a single one has written on my wall, not even during the instructed class
time. I guess I could just tag them all in this note I wrote up, but I don’t want
everyone reading my poetry.”
The class is the first of its kind, and seemed to be favored when
mentioned in student senate last spring. If things continue at this pace,
however, things don’t look good for this course or others like it. With a lot of
new classes looking to capitalize on the advent of the course, the results of this
year could spell disaster for the Intelligence of Solitaire, 4301.
3
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TIPS
For all you alumni in the house
Homecoming is a wonderful time of year, a time of school spirit, drinking
and merriment. Everyone guzzles that good old Baylor wine until they puke
green and gold. Hangovers are forgotten just in time to watch the mighty
Bears hand over their dignity to whatever team is scheduled to spank them
this year.
For you alumni, it is even more than that. It is the time when you come
back to introduce your non-Baylor wives to your old Baylor lives. Though it
can be exciting to show them the traditions, the campus and the bears, there
is also the potential for several uncomfortable moments when you run into
those old schoolmates you don’t quite know how to explain to your bride. Just
stay calm. Memorize these lines. When you see trouble coming your way, you
can whip out these little jewels and your wife won’t even be suspicious.
Situation: Here comes that one-night-stand you had sophomore year.
And two more times junior year. She’s headed straight for you.
You say: “I have no idea who that chick is. Let’s go get a Dr. Pepper
float.”
Situation: Your old college flame is walking towards you with her
husband.
You say: “I went on one date with that girl and she started calling me her
boyfriend. She’s crazy. Don’t believe anything she says.”
Situation: You see a girl who was way better in bed than your wife is.
You say: “That girl was not way better in bed than you are. I swear.”
Situation: You run into that guy you experimented with one drunken
night. And every Saturday after for a month.
You say: “This is my old FIJI brother. I could always count on this guy to
be behind me 100%.”
Situation: You’re over at the bear pit and Lady recognizes you from that
unforgettable night you spent together.
You say: “What? We were young. We were in love. I was in Chamber.
What do you want from me?”
Three-legged Dog
not as Happy as Owner claims
Early last month Danielle Carter,
a Junior from Plano, came home
after her advanced sewing class and
happened upon a stray dog sitting
at her doorstep.
“Usually when I encounter strays
I give them some snacks and a
bowl of water from [my apartment]
inside. However,” she quickly
discovered, “this young pup was a
far different breed.”
“As I pulled my keys from my
purse I saw the little guy stand up
and start to hop, and that’s when I
realized he was missing more than
just a home.”
The young stray, recently named
“Lucky”, was missing his left-front
leg. After seeing him hopping with
joy, Danielle quickly fell to her knees
and embraced this plucky little
survivor.
“I just fell in love with the
little guy,” Carter said. “He was a
helpless puppy with no home and
only three legs, but he managed to
overcome it all and make it onto my
doorstep and into my heart.”
Danielle brought the stray inside,
cleaned, and then checked him,
making sure he wasn’t ill or harmed
in any unnoticed fashion. Since
then, she has spent countless hours
with
Lucky playing fetch, tug-of-war,
and taking walks along the Bear
Trail. “He really is a precious dog,”
Danielle said a beaming. “He never
misbehaves and he hasn’t needed
any training. It’s like he’s a little
miracle sent to make me happy
whenever I’m feeling down.
” While Danielle and her friends
unanimously agree that Lucky is a
happy, playful puppy, Lucky tells a
different story.
“Yeah, I guess I should be glad
I’ve got a home,” said Lucky. “I
spent my first few weeks with some
people, and then they got tired of
me and shoved me out… closed the
door right behind me. After a few
hours, I realized life might not be
as fun as that dog-food bag made it
seem.”
The dog paused briefly to
sniff the air then resumed his
tale.
“So, I start looking around
for food or some place to
curl up and sleep. I ended up
spending the next couple of
days sleeping behind a dumpster.
Things were pretty steady until
some homeless guy claimed my
spot, lousy bum. After that I hopped
past a lot of cars till I finally got
tired and just went to sleep. When
I woke up,” Lucky stopped and
scratched his ear.
“Like I said,” he resumed, “I
woke up and I was on a patio next
to somebody’s front door. About a
minute later, this girl comes strolling
up to the door, acting like she
doesn’t see me but I know what’s
up. Anyway, she looks over and
smiles, then I figure I’ve got one
shot so I decide to play the gimpcard.” He licked himself for a few
seconds before continuing.
“If a girl sees a puppy the worlds
beat-down but he still manages to
pant and wag his tail whenever she
shows up: game over; you’ve won
yourself a new home.”
However, his happiness quickly
dissipated as life with Danielle
proved unbearable.
“Ok, I’ll play a little and maybe
go on that walk-thing once a week.
Whatever keeps the kibble coming,”
he said. “But it’s like this girl’s
trying to kill me. I mean she drags
me three miles every other day on
that damn leash. HEY! Do I look
like a runner to you? And the games
and crap she makes me play; I’m so
drained that at the end of the day,
I can’t even hop outside to tinkle, I
just lie there and soil myself.” Lucky
finished the interview with a sting
of profane utterances about, “being
from the streets” and “giving her the
‘Lucky’ treatment”.
At that point, Danielle returned
to the living-room with a bag of dog
biscuits, causing Lucky to spring
from the floor and hop to amuse
his owner. The next day Danielle
reportedly took things too far as she
asked Lucky to, “hop on one leg”
Lucky promptly responded and bit
the hand that fed him.
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New HP to resolve
parking problem
some hope to never hear
‘Save me some space' again
After receiving multiple
complaints from faculty and staff,
Baylor will be including a new class
to next years catalog: Parking 1301.
Campus PD is greatly
disheartened by this addition, said
Baylor police chief Jim Doak. “We’ve
been passing out tickets left and right
on these kids. If they start learning
what to do now, what’re we going to
do with the 500 ticket books we just
ordered?”
Robert Manowitz, a veteran
parking services officer, agrees with
the schools decision.
“I’ve been patrolling these
parking lots for 20 years, once
around Collins and twice at Allen,
and every now and then I’ll glance in
on those Kokernot girls,” Manowitz
said. “In the past, students may’ve
done little things like turn their
wheels the wrong way or creep over
the lines a bit, but never has it been
this bad before. Everywhere else,
people understand that parking is
a one-step process- you get the car
between the lines and then you turn
it off. But here at Baylor, these kids
assume there’s more than one way to
do it, and all of them are wrong.”
Human Performance chair
Richard Kreider said the class
is meant to show
students the
best way
to use the
vehicles they’ve been given.
“Students are required to
take a quiz before getting behind the
wheel, so instructors will know how
to best serve their needs. If a student
received a score of a 50 or below
versus someone else in the class
that got an 80, then it is assumed
that they will only be driving when
their driver has the day off or has
been fired, therefore their lesson
plan would be less strenuous and
things like parallel parking would be
omitted. This is by no means, you’re
typical driver’s ed course.”
The class itself will consist of one
lecture period accompanied with
a lab of at least one hour of actual
parking time. In one semester,
students can learn the very basics of
parking, which consist of getting the
car in between the lines. 3000 level
classes to be offered will be: parking
lot manners and proper outlets to
road rage.
Students, the ones that’ll be most
impacted by this class, go on blind to
their parking blunders.
“Friday through Sunday
I’m too wasted to care about those
yellow lines they put down,” Kappa
Sigma’s Thomas Michael
Phillip III said.
“Aren’t they just
for decoration
anyway?”
Neophyte account
I was settled into my bed when I
suddenly heard my door become ajar.
“Roomie, is that you?” I called
out into the dark. “Close your eyes,
and don’t ask questions-” all I heard
before everything faded into black.
Chloroform. Why didn’t I see it
coming? How did I not feel the rag
over my face? Eventually, I came too,
but everything was still black.
“Where am I? What is this?” I
asked. What have I gotten myself
into? And how can I get out of here
alive?
‘Stand up, no, wait, stay seated.’
Here’s the way it’s going to go
tonight, just do what your told and
you’ll make it out of here in one
piece, understand that cupcake?
Do you understand?’ ‘Yes…I think
so’’ I answered. “Oh, and be funny.
Always, always, be funny, or else”
and with that the voice was gone.
Be funny, I’m always funny this
shouldn’t be a problem.
“Stand up, we’re going for a
walk” came a different voice. “Where
are you taking me?” “You should
worry a little less about where you’re
going and more about what you’re
going to say, the last guy that wasn’t
funny got his glasses super-glued to
his face and dropped off far away
from here, and you wouldn’t want
for me to have to mess up your pretty
little face would you? There’s a chair
in front of you, sit down, and don’t
say anything.”
Is that sweat or tears rolling down
my face. This whole experience is
beyond janky and now I’m sitting in
a dark room waiting to see what my
fate is.
“Take off your glasses, don’t look
at us, look into the light”
“What? I don’t understand” I
called out.
Suddenly, there was nothing to be
seen but a white hot light burning
into my eyes
“Why have you come here
tonight?” another voice asked.
“Uh…I’ve read your writings
before and knew this was something
I wanted to join” I replied. Good
answer, if I just play it cool, maybe
they won’t super-glue anything to
me.
“That answer sucked, did you stay
up all night thinking of that one? And
Why haven’t you been funny yet?”
“I...I...just wanted to be honest”
“Awww….does she know she’s
being a cunt? You’re being a cunt in
case you didn’t know, screw this, get
rid of her, and you weren’t funny”.
Picking what was left of my face
up off the ground, I went out with all
my hopes crushed.
“We’re going for a ride,
I’m going to walk you over to a car
and get in when you feel the door
handle”
Slience. The only sound that could
be heard was the purr of the engine
and the tremble of my bottom lip.
“Close your eyes and count down
from a thousand, and hum the entire
‘Top Gun” theme song, when you
open your eyes”
“Where am I?” I asked.
“Along the sea of green, there is a
place of red comfort; Elmo is where
you’ll be”.
Here I go…1000, 999,998, 997, 996
Bro NoZa Parks
Horror! Dismay! SHOCK! GUFFAW!
THE NEOPHYTES TELL ALL!
Fundamental life lessons: Look
both ways before you cross the street.
Don’t take candy from strangers.
Don’t pinch Aunty back when she
claws your cheeks at Thanksgiving.
And never put on blinders and get
in a van with six sketchy men at 3
AM on a Tuesday (my post-traumatic
stress consultant says this is also
an enlightened general rule). It’s
inapposite that they pleaded, “Just
trust us.” I caught a glimpse of their
shifty eyes… Oh I knew better, that’s
for sure. Don’t get me wrong-the
Noble NoZe are the exemplum of
perfect gentlemen- I would simply
advise caution when fraternizing with
these fellows.
“You drink?” a Brother catechized.
Was that directed at me? I thought
they had forgotten me after they
shoved me in the trunk an hour ago.
What should I say? What is the wrong
answer? More contiguously, what is
not the wrong answer?
“In moderation.” I copped out;
I rode the fence like Dub Oliver on
Greek housing and stanchioned
myself for the backlash.
“You’re not hitting the seven
deadly, or the big ten, but you aren’t
of age now are you?” The brother kept
it coming, “By drinking you claim
you’re 21. That makes you a liar and
we don’t condone liars. So you can
just go to hell- Revelations 21:8”
I clearly chose the wrong answer.
It is over. Just make this better, don’t
make it worse, say something to make
this better:
“No drinking, huh? So I take it
you’re not Catholic?”
In retrospect that was not by any
stretch of the imagination the right
thing to say.
I felt the car slowing down. It was
pretty clear what would happen next.
I screwed up and now they are
deserting me on hobo row. The doors
opened. I felt a wave of nausea come
over me as someone pushed me out
of the trunk and onto hard gravel. I
could only pray.
“We don’t accept into our ranks
those who are prejudicial, of
questionable morals or of any relation
up to thrice removed from the mild
retardation that is Aggie. You have
failed on each count. Goodbye young
one.”
Silence. I don’t deal well with
silence. I started to sing myself a ditty
as they slammed the car doors and
drove away. I was blind, optatively
alone, and afraid of where and with
whom I might find myself if I were
to man up and remove my goggles.
Overcoming my sense of dread only
by sheer practical demand for vision,
I reached up to remove the blindfold.
The last thing I heard was a stern
voice admonishing me,
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
And that voice sure didn’t sound
like a Wacoan.
It wasn’t until the next morning as
I stared down at the vomit coating my
overpriced flip-flops that I realized
that maybe this wasn’t such a good
idea. Why is it that I do what it is that
I do, you ask?
I must be a masochist.
Bro. Dulce GabbaNoZe
23
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