Spring 5 - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

That’s a bitchin’ dragon, dawg!
The
Rope
A Noble NoZe Rag Since 1924
Lilley Kills............4
BU Tattoo...........4
Unwelcome...........5
Finals....................5
May Fifth.............6
Vol. 83 , No. 8
Silk shirt...............7
Point/Counter.....8
The Street...........9
Questions...........10
Chronicles...........11
Keko muckity muck.
A note from the CL.
KEKO MUCKITY MUCK! MENE!
MENE! TECKLE UPHARSIN!
Cunning Linguist.
Bro. Breakin’ (2: Electric NoZealoo)
Lorde Mayor.
Bro. Hurricane KatriNoZe
Shekel Keeper.
Bro. Love Potion # NoZe
Internet Lad.
Bro. Love Potion # NoZe
Bored of Graft.
Bro. TheNoZeaous Monk
Bro. Ted KenNoZedy
Bro. AbstiNoZe
The Brothers.
Bro. KuntNoZe Kinte
Bro. No Means NoZe
Bro. NoZey Loves Chachi
Bro. Panic at the DiscNoZe
Bro. Grand NoZe Party
Bro. N-O-Z-E etc.
Venerable Exiles.
Bro. NoZe v. Wade
Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut
Bro. NoZe, Table for One
Bro. Charles K. PoNoZi
Bro. Fear and NoZeing
Bro. Fats DomiNoZe
Bro. Cliff’s NoZe
Bro. Don’t Cry for Me ArgentiNoZe
Bro Bush’s Krispy TacNoZe
Bro. NoZe Quervo
Bro. Mu Mu Mu My SharoNoZe
Bro. SerpicNoZe
Bro. NoZeanderthal
Bro. NoZencrantz
Bro. Ultra MagNoZe
Bro. Al PaciNoZe
Faculty Hostage.
Bro. NoZe Better
Neophytes.
Bro. Dulce & GabbaNoZe
Bro. NoZa Parks
Bro. Tickle Me ElmNoZe
AND A CAST
OF THOUSANDS...
( And we’d just like to say we’re not at all thankful
for the help of Jim Burch and Matt Mitchell)
SATCHEL ON, BROTHER LONG NOZE,
SATCH! BMMC! HRHGS! BSSS! JLRC! What a riot
has been caused by the interlocking BU. Tradtion! they cry, cursing
Lilley and crew. What a stupid tradition, two letters that touch. How
ridiculous this is in face of tenure and such. But no, that’s not enough,
what about DP? “I’ll kill those bastards!” The prez said of KOT. What
a weird little bubble, what a campus of crazy, where administration is
absent-minded and students are lazy. Ah well, hey you! Grab a margarita! Grab two! This is the semester’s end! And hopefully it’s true, all
things time will eventually mend! Can I get a satch? Satchel!? SSSSSssssaaaaaaaaattttttchheeeeeellllissssssssiioomomomomomomoooo!!!!?????
The Noble NoZe
Brotherhood.
SPEAK, YOU!
Noble NoZe Brotherhood
P.O. Box 602
Elm Mott, TX 76640
or
NoZe.Brotherhood@gmail.com
NoZe.Advertising@gmail.com
I hate you all.
RopeSubscription@gmail.com
or
www.TheNoZe.org
Lilley kills five KOTs.
“Should’ve seen this coming,” Doaks says.
Baylor president John Lilley brutally murdered three students rumored
to have started a rumor claiming Dr
Pepper was to lose its endorsement to
Coca-Cola.
An enraged John Lilley swore his
vengeance during a Q&A on Thursday.
”I don’t know who started the
rumor about getting rid of the interlocking BU, but I’d like to kill them
because it’s taking up so much time,”
Lilley sneered.
Baylor police chief Jim Doak said it
was a morbid and entirely avoidable
occurence.
But, while Lilley created a literal
mess for the Baylor police department, the metaphorical one he left for
Baylor public relations to clean up has
proven just as gruesome.
“A president with such outspoken
disregard for his student body isn’t
exactly a PR dream,” a margarita
influenced Lori Scott Fogleman said
whilst celebrating Cinco de Mayo.
“First tenure, then the interlocking BU
and now this? Aye caramba!”
KOT members were taken back by
Lilley’s brutal attack.
“Who knew those oatmeal fists
were so powerful?” A shaken Plano
junior Larry Jameson said. “Had I
known this would happen, I never
would’ve touched a car window.”
Lilley was unavailable for comment.
What to say from
going too far with
your girlfriend/
boyfriend:
For Girls
•Maybe you should get some tips
from my old boyfriend before we
start.
•I’ve been trying to live more natural lately. That’s right, no armpit
shaving for me.
•You’re so friendly and obedient.
Sometimes I forget you’re not a
eunuch.
•Okay, role-play time. I’ll be the
black widow and you’ll be my
mate.
•Can you help sneak me into a
rated “R” movie?
•Hey, let’s watch this live-birth
footage on Discovery Health.
Baylor PD investigates the crime scene at a KOT residence. Police speculate the brutal murder could be in some way metaphorical but that’s all hearsay.
“Dude, I just got this ink.”
Man pissed interlocking BU tattoo already out of date.
In a public outcry matched only
by the Facebook NewsFeed protest of
2006, students rallied together to fight
the executive decision to dispose of the
interlocking BU. The leader of the mob
was Humble sophomore Thad Connerly, new and permanent owner of a
BU tat.
“I’m just a big fan,” Connerly said.
“I’m friends with Darth Baylor. I take
a picture on Judge Baylor’s knee every
season change. The next logical step
was to get my pride etched onto my
flesh.”
And so over Spring Break, Connerly
got the interlocking BU tattooed onto
his right bicep. When he heard of the
administration’s decision to remove the
symbol from the university, he didn’t
know what to do.
“At first I thought I was going to
have to get rid of the whole arm,” he
said. “But then someone told me I could
use my story to inspire other students to
fight for my cause.”
Connerly started the Facebook group
“Save Baylor Traditions” citing the
endangerment of many traditions as
a need to petition. These traditions included the interlocking BU, Dr Pepper’s
sponsorship, green and gold as school
colors, a losing football team, Easter as a
religious holiday, working bathrooms in
every building, the requirement of pants
on campus, and employing female
professors.
The group, gaining popularity and
overwhelming support for false causes,
bombarded Lilley with questions about
the fate of Connerly’s tattoo at a recent
Q&A.
President Lilley advised students to
think long and hard before deciding on
a tattoo design, especially if they plan
on showing off their bodies into their
old age.
“It’s just Marketing 101,” he said,
just before raising his shirt to expose his
above-the-hip treble clef tattoo.
To try to compensate for the irreversible trauma caused by this action,
Lilley reversed his decision to replace
the “BU” with “Baylor” on the football
helmets.
“We’re keeping the tradition of BU
and we’re keeping the tradition of a losing football team,” Lilley said. “And I’m
keeping my shirt down from now on.”
This was a small victory for Connerly (and a large one for everyone with
eyes). Now Connerly just has a little
bit of work to do to make his tattoo in
line with university decisions and the
proper use of the interlocking BU.
“I’m lifting weights every day now,”
he said. “Soon my bicep will be big
enough that I can fit the football helmet
on there, too. And all will be right with
the world.”
--
For Guys
•My doctor requires my partner to
sign this waiver of liability so you
won’t blame me when you get it.
•I think we should start using
more exotic fruit, like pineapples or
eggplants.
•I see you’re still making those
early morning trips to Shipley’s.
•I think it would be a lot better for
both of us if you wore this paper
bag.
•That kind of reminds me of something I saw in National Geographic
once.
•I’m having my male period right
now. I don’t wish to explain any
further.
College graduate not welcome in own home.
Hankamer Business School graduate Donald Clausenfieldston was
prepared to spend the first summer of
the rest of his life bombing around his
parent’s crib drinking Pabst Honorable mention with his local friends.
But when he discussed these plans
with his parental units, he was horrified to find himself unwelcome in the
home of his childhood.
“It just hurts, you know?” Clausenfieldston said. “I mean, you spend
six years of your life constantly going
to class and listening to people talk
for unbearable amounts of time, only
to find yourself homeless after the
graduational ceremonies.”
Converse junior and Clausenfieldston’s fraternity brother Mark Belgrut
said he was shocked to here what had
befallen Clausenfieldston.
“It makes you think,” Belgrut said.
“If it could happen to Clausie, it could
happen to anyone. It almost makes
me want to call up my parents and
ask them if they’re going to be just as
cold-blooded, but I haven’t talked to
them in like a month and I don’t want
to bother them.”
Mr. and Mrs. Clausenfieldston said
they had denied Donald residence
in his childhood abode because they
believe “it’s time for Donnie to grow
up.”
“Grow up?” Donald said. “I’ve got
a beard!”
Still, Mr. and Mrs. Clausenfieldston
are skeptical.
Donald isn’t sure what the future will hold for him; he said, if his
parents would turn a cold-shoulder to
him like that, how could he believe in
anything good any more?
Belgrut has offered Donnie the
option of crashing at his place till he
can find somewhere to go, but hopes
Donnie finds somewhere else to go
because he’s “sort of a douche-bag.”
Potential fifth-year senior
Blindfolded students to
discuss issues on prejudices. certain ‘finals’ not an apt title.
Hearing-impaired outraged after being left out.
An open discussion on prejudices by blind folded Baylor students
opened many eyes to many important issues on campus last week but
still left a select few annoyed by the
proceedings – specifically, the hearing
impaired.
The Partnership Among Student
Groups’ roundtable discussions led by
Baylor professors are aimed at speaking and asking questions openly about
topics deemed controversial by many.
In addition, the twist of blindfolding the students allows for students
to freely discuss these topics without
facing any prior scrutiny from others. It would have been a great idea
if it hadn’t already been stolen from a
popular children’s party game.
“It’s like pin the tail on the donkey
for college students,” said event organizer Frank Tipper. “Except you don’t
poke anything with a pin, it doesn’t
involve any farm animals, there aren’t
any children, and at the end, I don’t
wish I had a girlfriend. Well, maybe
that last one isn’t true.”
To advertise the event, the Student
Groups chose to have a clearly vocal
campaign. This promotion involved
students from nearly every organization running around campus, informing everyone of the upcoming discussion by shouting and screaming at the
top of their lungs. This quickly came
to a close, however, after a grackle
confused a student senator’s openmouth for its nest.
Despite the discussion being well
publicized, the event received more
attention because of the actions occurring outside of the SUB rather than
those inside.
The Hearing-Impaired Organization picketed the event after hearing
of the special proceedings taking
place inside the Drawing Room. The
protests caused noise around campus
as the club demanded rights for the
hearing impaired.
D.J. Francis, a member of the organization, listened to rap music too
loud in his Ipod and chose to learn
sign language to express his thoughts.
Francis is a critic of the recent forum
because he believes the hearing on
prejudices was too exclusive.
“(Rapid hand gesture from head to
mouth, clenched fists, three fingers,
five fingers, flapping arms),” emphatically motioned Francis. “(Waggling
fingers, cracking knuckles, nose tugging, middle finger).”
D.J. Francis’ words basically
translated to “This event is supposed
to increase discussion on important
prejudice issues and we won’t be seen
or heard. The event should have
given earplugs to everyone in addition to blindfolds so we could all be
included. Screw them.”
Chuck O’Reilly really believed
after this next week, he’d be done
with school and looking for a job in
the real world.
“I thought I’d be out of here and
sitting at home and surfing the
web for jobs on monster.com,” said
O’Reilly. “But then I realized that
I still had to take two more semesters of French to graduate. Who
would’ve thought that these finals
wouldn’t be so, well, final?”
Though many may be skeptical of
O’Reilly’s intelligence overall, and
rightly so, there are a few individuals who share a similar disdain for
the word “final.”
“Look I’ve had a total of 72 finals
since I’ve been here at Baylor,” said
Grant Huxley, who’s on his 3rd
victory lap. “And by no means
does the word fit the action. If they
really wanted to rename these “final
exams”, they’d call them “last test in
this class but not evers”, something
I’ve been pushing for a half-decade.
Huxley has also asked repeatedly
to be named a “tenured student” due
to his length of residence and continued studies at Baylor University.
Speaking volumes of the idiocy of
his idea, even the faculty senate was
in support of the denial of Huxley’s
tenure by President Lilley.
Though these few, vocal supporters have caused a great stir on campus about final exams being called
“finals”, the Lilley administration
has promised to keep this word as a
means of upholding a part of Baylor
tradition, much to the shock and awe
of campus.
O’Reilly has since accepted his
fate of taking additional finals, even
though he utterly disapproves of the
word.
“I just have to realize I need these
French credits to graduate,” said
O’Reilly. “Oh well, C’est la vie …
wait, is that how you spell that?”
O’Reilly questions his academic career by a staircase.
Red Bull endorsement turns
college student’s life around.
Spring freshman Theodore Snartletoober spent his Friday nights reading
message boards and talking to middle
school kids too nice to ignore him at
Poppa Rollo’s.
Snartletoober thought he was
doomed to a sexless, mediocre existence, until Red Bull Energy Drink
bought the rest of his life.
“It’s great, I couldn’t be happier,”
Snartletoober said. “When Red Bull
approached me and said, ‘Hey guy,
stop crying– you want friends? We’ll
make a deal with you,’ I thought,
‘Woah Jon, remember what happened
last time someone offered you a deal
that sweet? You woke up with a bellybutton piercing and a disturbing lack
of pants.’”
But Langston, tired of his humdrum
lifestyle threw caution to the wind and
took Red Bull up on their offer.
“Sure, I’m not aloud to sleep, and
every fourth quote I’m supposed to
say the Red Bull slogan,” Snartletoober
Snartletoober shares a beverage with his ‘bitches,’ which we can only assume is a delicious Red Bull.
said. “But who needs sleep and independence when you’ve got an energy
drink endorsement and bitches?”
Bitches agree.
“Red Bull has made Theodore way
cooler to us now,” Red Bull Spokesbitch Lisa Marwood said. “We used
to giggle at him. Now, we giggle with
him!”
Other lifeless freshman hope to be-
fall the same success as Snartletoober.
“I dropped out of college to pursue an endorsement with an energy
drink,” Former freshman Jon Langston
said. “I’m hoping Rockstar notices me.
I’m keen on Rockstar’s bitches.”
Though Snartletoober’s grades have
drastically fallen due to his devotion
to endorsing Red Bull, Snartletoober’s
parents couldn’t be any happier.
“We were ecstatic to here Red Bull
bought Theodore,” Mrs. Snartletoober
said. “When he told us he was going
to declare Philosophy as a major, we
cried for a week. But now that Red Bull
has taken him under their wing, everything will be all better. All better.”
Sometimes in a sleep-deprived
haze, Snartletoober thinks of what his
life would’ve been like if he devoted
himself to the pursuit of knowledge.
But then he remembers all the free
crap and bitches he’s gained, and
proudly proclaims, “Red Bull gives
you wings!”
Drunk Nebraskan transfer student proclaims Cinco de Mayo should be annual holiday
After his fifth Spider-Man margarita, Nebraskan transfer student Alex
Rumenowsky proclaimed that the
delightfully cultural holiday, Cinco de
Mayo, should be made into an annual
holiday.
“This is awesome; all the pretty
colors and tequila and music and
all,” Rumenowsky said. “It’s like St.
Patricks’ Day, only way less violent
and green.”
Rumenowsky said he was going to
e-mail the president of America the
next morning to tell him how imperative the annualization of this holiday
was.
“Once every five years isn’t
enough,” Rumenowsky said. “If that’s
all this country is going to afford the
great and proud Spanish people, then
by God, this country is not what it
used to be!”
After the rousing but entirely too
unstable speech, Rumenowsky’s
friends helped him down from the
table at Ninfa’s and apologized to
the surrounding tables for his surly
behavior. Rumenowsky then unwillingly purged what sources say was
once el Tommy, chips and queso, and
the aforementioned margaritas.
Rumenowsky’s friends say he’ll
feel better once they get him home to
BANKSTON’S
COMICS & COLLECTABLES
1321 S. Valley Mills
254-755-0070
“HEY! ANY COMICS IN HERE!?”
STOP BOTHERING SOCIALLY COMPETENT PEOPLE AND GET YOUR COMICS AT BANKSTON’S.
have a lie down.
When asked if he would still be
contacting the president of America
via e-mail concerning the annualization of Cinco de Mayo, Rumenowsky’s friends said they highly
doubted he would be able to move,
much less work a computer for the
morning hours during Seis de Mayo.
Still, they said, they’d sure damn try
to get him to.
SCRUFFY
MURPHY’S
1226 Speight Avenue
254-753-0802
Local man’s silk shirt makes him look
‘like a New Age guidance counselor.’
Arlington junior Marvin Hollis’
new wardrobe was the talk of the
week amongst his friends as Hollis
fashioned a number of silk shirts
his roomate, Houston junior Bob
Fisher, could only describe as being
“really gay.”
Though some disagreed with
Fisher’s reaction to Hollis’ silken
attire, everyone agreed something was horribly wrong with the
change of style.
“[Hollis] looks like a New Age
guidance counselor or something,”
Temple sophomore Jeremy Allerheiligen said. “[Is he] listening to
Yanni now? Has he started directing pornographic material? Whatever it is, I don’t like it.”
Some commented that the material of the shirt worn was not as
disturbing as the location of the
furthest unbuttoned button.
“For Christ’s sake, that second
button is far too low to keep unfastened,” Truett student Tim Brown
said. “[Hollis has] got far too much
chest hair to bare like that. I mean
he just needs a zodiac sign and
pony tail and he’s set.”
Many, like Brown, fear this
change in garb will lead to other
poor wardrobe decisions, including chains, bitchin’ dragon and/
or tribal tattoos, sandals made of
hemp, rose-colored glasses and a
lack of underwear.
“Silk shirts are a gateway garment,” Fashion analyst and sociology professor Linda Pelwood said.
“This week it’s silk shirts, next
week he’s grown a goatee and sideburns. By the end of the month he
could be a full-blown chach.”
Red Bull endorsed freshman flies
too close to proverbial sun.
Bitches mourned the loss of Spring
freshman Theodore Snartletoober, the
Red Bull-endorsed boy who passed
away trying to fly off the edge of a
four-story parking garage. Sources
say Snartletoober’s mind was altered
by a lack of sleep and an unhealthy
amount of Red Bull.
“It’s all so sad,” Red Bull Spokesbitch Lisa Marwood said. “Snartletoober was an inspiration to a generation of freshman who could’ve led a
fulfilling life, but instead threw it all
away for an exciting, energy drink-fueled life, only to have that life crushed
by an outlandish, energy drink-fueled
death! It’s just like what happened to
Icarus.”
Some disagree.
“This is nothing like what hap-
pened to Icarus,” Greek mythology
enthusiast and inept conversationalist
Moe Homeward said.
Red Bull released a statement
today saying how deeply they regret
the loss of Theodore Snartletoober.
“We were working on a system of
wings to give the boy, but I suppose
it was too late. We’d like to clarify
something right now:
“As an ambitious energy drink
company, we’ve made some promises that we’re working to fulfill but
in our current financial situation
cannot. Thus, we’d like everyone to
know that our new slogan is ‘Red
Bull is working very hard to give you
wings.”
Snartletoober’s parents are less
than pleased.
Tuesday: $2.00 Bottles, wells and drafts All Night
Wednesday: $1 Lone Star till 11 pm
Thursday: $1.00 domestic bottles and $2.00 wells 9-11 p.m.
Friday: $1.00 domestic bottles 9-11 p.m.
Saturday: $1.00 domestic bottles and $2.00 wells 9-11 p.m.
“I’m telling you, Herbert– all he does anymore is stand here
pretending that damn stuffed teddy bear is dancing with him.
I just don’t think I can take it anymore.”
“Well jeez Janey, I think you could sure use a drink.”
SCHMALTZ’S
Located in Townwest
1412 N. Valley Mills
M-F 10 a.m.-8 p.m.
Saturday 10 a.m.-4 p.m.
254.776.3694
SANDWICHES
“Now listen Sally you’re doing a great job of seducing me and all, but a man has needs.
I’m headed to Schmaltz’s to get me a Blue Plate Special.”
Point:
We’ve been able to take care of alcohol offenses quite efficiently this year.
By Officer Cartwright,
Baylor PD
This has been quite a year for us
in terms of alcohol offenses down
here at the station.
Compared to last year, we’ve
had nearly twice as many alcohol
troubles this year.
That means for each kid we
found running around campus
drunk and half-naked last year, we
found a kid running around campus drunk and completely naked
this year.
So you may be asking yourself:
“How does the local law enforcement protect our families from
these intoxicated, no pants wearing
renegades?”
Well I’ll tell you: Through tactical electrical police enforcement.
What does that mean exactly? It
means that we use strategic and
efficient methods of handling the
underage drinking problem that
currently plagues not only this
campus, but our nation as well.
Now a few words may come immediately to your mind when you
hear some of our methods. Words
such as brutal or inhumane or painful.
But did you know that the word
inhumane comes from the Latin
root inhumanis meaning “safety
first”? If you don’t believe me,
look it up.
I don’t wear this uniform just
because it accentuates my pecs,
even though it really does.
What I’m trying to tell you is
that we have this entire alcohol
thing covered.
We never, ever use our tasers
unless we feel people are in harm’s
way or there is a clear violation of
the law.
Except for that time I used it to
heat up a corndog for lunch.
Located Downtown
105 S. 5th Street
M-F 10 a.m.-8 p.m.
254.753.2332
Counterpoint:
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
By Adam Murphy,
Taser victim
You’re kidding me, right?
So we were just trying to have a
kickass party on 10th during Dia and
minding our own business when this
pig comes by and tries to stop all of us
from having a good time.
Yeah I know. Lame, right?
Then, while the guy’s going around
and breaking everything up, Brody,
my frat buddy, dares me to go over
and give this cop some refreshment,
you know what I’m saying? So I walk
on over to this guy and give him a
little taste of my Pabst.
And I don’t even pour that much
on this guy’s head. I really don’t. Gas
prices may be going up, but so are six
packs, ya know? Then I made the biggest mistake of my life. I ran.
Instead of just blending into the
crowd, blaming it on someone else,
and walking away, I decided to make
a break for it. Next thing you know
VITEK’S
the cop catches me. I’ll never know
how he did it. Must have had a
chocolate glazed donut that morning
instead of a bear claw.
Oh but don’t worry. Nothing really
happened. Just a slap on the wrist.
He told me boys would be boys and
decided to let me go. Oh wait. No.
That didn’t happen at all. The bastard
Tased me!
While I’m rolling on the ground
convulsing from all of that electricity
running through my body, everyone
at the party just forms a circle around
me and stares. My own frat bros are
taking pictures with their Iphones,
while my young life of constantly
getting crunk flashes before my very
eyes. Some friends.
Now I might have to do jail time.
Or community service. But come on,
who wants to do that?
I just wish the cop would’ve
clubbed me with his nightstick, instead.
I hear chicks really dig bruises.
BARBECUE
1600 Speight Avenue 254-752-7591
“Oh dear...Mrs. Lanchester, I’m afraid if you don’t eat a GutPak in the next six hours, you’ll die.”
VITEK’S: IF YOU DON’T EAT HERE YOU MIGHT DIE.
POPPA
“Now you listen to me, Mac, and you listen good.
You show me a large sausage or there will be consequences.”
ROLLO’S PIZZA
NoZe
“I’m going to lie to
all my friends and
tell ‘em I got some
sweet action, and
then sob violently
into my pillow. ”
Confused, frustrated
Penland roommate.
“Snort some Adderal,
then drown my sorrows in the form of
Great Texts. ”
frentic and not quite jaded
Brooks freshmen.
When life demands sausage, come to Poppa Rollo’s.
703 N. Valley Mills
254-772-9348
on the street asks:
how do you plan to effectively
utilize your dead days?
“I’m going to dress
like a woman of the
night and hit up
the sultry streets of
Waco. ”
“WHAT!?”
Hearing-impaired yet
beloved Grandma Ethel
Nelson Golthwaite,
Chamber Pot
The mind of a warrior rarely coincides
with the mind of a wizard. Especially
when one is so constantly interrupted
by the triviality of reality.
Monday 11 a.m.-7 p.m.
Tuesday-Thursday 11 a.m.-8 p.m.
Friday 11 a.m.-10 p.m.
Saturday 10 a.m.-8 p.m.
Sunday 1 a.m. -6 p.m.
GAME CLOSET
Escape reality.
24-Hour Service,
10% off for Baylor students
Life behind bars is far too strange to handle.
Avoid it with the help of
1723 West Waco Dr., 254-757-3636 or 254-379-5319
HILL BAIL BONDS
A whole bunch of crazy questions are asked.
Licks to center of tootsie pop, chucked wood, corn dog consistency all question in name of questioning.
Less than 5 percent of American’s
tithe ten percent of their income fifty
percent of the time studies show.
Baylor statistics department Professor Drabman Graph commented on
the recent release of the information
by revealing a little known statistical secret, “90 percent of statistics are
made up.”
Professor Graph couldn’t be
reached for further comment when we
tried to verify whether or not his own
statistic was one within the falsified 90
percent.
Local Pastor Lou Stoops remarked
when asked about the statistic.
“We all know Genesis 14:20 says
And blessed be God Most High, who
delivered your enemies into your
hand. Then Abram gave him a tenth
of everything, that’s irrelevant trust in
Jesus you’ll go to heaven yadda yadda
yadda. What really concerns me is
how many licks does it really take to
get to the center of a tootsie pop?”
Pastor Stoops couldn’t be reached
when we tried to verify exactly how
many licks it did take.
Political science, history, and
environmental studies major Tris
Cripton commented “So people don’t
tithe? That’s just more money getting
pumped into a legitimate economy
right? What really chaps my ass is
how much could a wood chuck chuck
if a wood chuck could chuck would?”
Tis Cripton couldn’t be reached for
further comment when questioned
as to the exact quantity of wood
chucked.
Philosophy scholar Sophia Socartes
responded when presented the data:
“5 percent of people tithe ten
percent of their income fifty percent
of the time? So what. The real question that has plagued mankind and
that’s answer will one day reveal the
meaning of human existence is what
happens when the unstoppable force
collides with the unmovable object?”
The data collected seemed to be
outside of the realm of distinguished
scholars in various fields and so after
deciding to consult ordinary people
we stumbled across a local Weinerschnitzel employee.
Cheeto Bunman remarked “Tith-
ing, tootsie pops, wood chuckers, who
cares? I have been around in this crazy
world long enough to realize that
these questions are irrelevant. What
really gets me is the corn dog. How
do they get the wiener in that corny
exterior? You figure out how that’s
happening and I’d be a happy man”.
The information that should have
given us definite answers concerning tithing seems to have only led
us down a more ambiguous path of
confections, timber, momentum, and
fried frankfurter sandwiches.
For more conclusive determinations
on this seeming conundrum those
interested should consider reading
Oxi Moronis’ What if there were no
hypothetical questions?
Chronicles of a Computer Science Major
Greetings and salutations fellow
Baylor Bears (sic em!), it is I. Now, I
must admit that I haven’t been the
largest campus presence during my
four years, and some of you may
recognize me by my web-handle
CaptainSp0rk. Still don’t know who
I am? I’m that one guy, who, on that
fateful day, got assigned seating next
to you. Sure, you were late to Art
History that morning on account of
your walk of shame back to Collins
that morning, but hey, I like to think
a small molecular fiber of your being wanted to sit next me. The first
couple weeks consisted of uncomfortable silence, punctuated by the stench
given off but my unpredictable sweat
glands.
Well, I’ve got to hand it to you,
when that test came around; you really came out of your shell. You were
really interested in what I had to say,
and at that point, I felt like a regular
Arthur Fonzarelli. With your newfound social zeal towards me, prospects of dating you were increasing
proportionally to my message board
post count. Yes ladies, that high.
But, junior and senior year were
my veritable summer of discontent;
which, like any summer in Texas, can
last upwards to a couple years. Snagging that seat next to you in Theatre
Appreciation was going to be that
sweet manna that would level me up.
Things just didn’t work out
though, there wasn’t so much a test,
and our conversations had quite
rapidly digressed back to my profuse
sweating.
And here I am, one week left in
school; we really need to try and salvage our lost connection. Really now,
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UPDATE
Just as Columbus found the New
Worlds and single handedly wiped
an entire race of peoples, I have done
the same. Except, this time it’s not an
indigenous people, but that box of
wine coolers. Damn right, Art History buddies for life! You bet I’ve got
my shirt untucked!
I gulp down that list bit of fruity
nectar of the Gods, and its time to do
what I’ve came here for. The soundtrack to our contentment appears to
be the likes of great urban poet Lil’
Wayne. Like any great predator, I
have stalked my prey and covered
any possible escapes. Its my time to
shine baby, for this night only, I am
channeling Arthur Fonzarelli. So here
it comes, the best I can muster. As I
begin to deliver that fateful line, the
wine coolers pop up for an unexpected visit.
“Hey, ummm (I can taste the wine
coolers again, weird), you never took
that…. Uhhhh… oral exam in Art
History.”
As she stood there in silence, her
mouth hanging open, I knew that she
was mine. But, contrary to my plans,
the wine coolers had their own set
of plans. They reentered the world
the same way they left it; in a steady
stream. But instead of the bottle,
or even a waste basket, it was dear
Mary’s blouse.
As the party and my last week of
collegiate fun rages on, I find myself
wading in a pool of my previously
consumed wine coolers, v-card still
intact.
“I hate you Margerie. I hate you, your friends and your small living arrangements.
You’ve made a fool of me yet again, and I want a divorce. Should’ve read the floor plan measurements.”
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