Spring 1

The Noble NoZe Brotherhood Presents
The Rope
Lord Mayor
Bro. AmarillNoZe By Morning
Cunning Linguist
Bro. CocoNoZe Shrimp II
Shekel Keeper
Bro. NoZe Child Left Behind
Intelligent Designer
Bro. ZeNo’Ze Paradox
The Brothers
Bro. There Is a NoZe That Never Goes Out
Bro. NoZe Chance in Hell
Bro. Orange Mocha FrappucciNoZe
Bro. HakuNoZe Matata
Bro. Dr. NoZe-N-Furter
Bro. Liar Liar NoZe on Fire
Bro. Bill NoZe’Reilly
Bro. C20H25N3oZe
Board of Graft
Bro. Brave NoZe World
Bro. NoZery Loves Company
Venerable Exiles
Bro. NoZe Country for Old Men
Bro. Taco CabaNoZe
Bro. Gunfight at the NoZe.K.Coral
Bro. Fast Times at NoZemont High
A Note from the Cunning Linguist
A new year has once again arrived and the smell of love is in the air! Or is that
the smell of people planning to UnRush? One is much more likely to be seen on this campus;
however which one I’m not quite sure. Football is over, well the Super Bowl I guess counts
but the Cowboys aren’t going to be in it so who cares. To be fair the Texans are going to
be in it but their fans are much more accustomed to that. Jihadists hate jokes, Baylor
Basketball hates consistency, the GOP hates Beyoncé, and the Noble NoZe Brotherhood
hates being 12 million white guys, 14 white girls, and 249.67 Hispanics so if you would like
to change that then please UnRush (don’t check the math). Ladies have already rushed, the
men are rushing, and those left will join chamber to fade out of the world like a quarter
back at the Cleveland Browns.
For some, Valentine’s Day is a day of fancy fondue and petals all the way to the
bedroom (don’t disappoint me Bro. AmarillNoZe by Morning). For others, Valentine’s Day
Tinder isn’t really a low point unless you think about it (here’s looking at you Bro. NoZe
Chance in Hell). This new year is full of unlikely foes and unlikely allies, Seth Rogen is an
enemy to North Korea and the Kurds are working with the army that gas attacked them to
fight a Terrorist group that used to be Al Qaeda but now fights Al Qaeda (since the Peshmerga took back Kobane, does it make it the Kurd’s Kobane? Hey-Oh). Maybe lessons of
unity will echo across the world and effect our own lives. Don’t worry, you still don’t have
to forgive Jessica for talking to James even though you clearly liked him since the day you
rushed ATO with him (it’s not fratty unless it’s also catty).
Who knows what is to come this year? Maybe the news will stop adding the –gate
suffix to mild scandals, maybe the Baylor Basketball team will win the NCAA tournament (if
you don’t have Baylor all the way on your bracket you’re a sellout), February is also Black
History Month, and what is a better way to celebrate it than have a Neo class full of diversity (seriously someone besides an ordinary white male please UnRush, it’s way too pasty in
the Mansion).
Bro. CocoNoZe Shrimp II
Keko Keeper of the Stick of Butter and a Dream
Keko keeper of Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe’s Hate
Keko Keper of the Bidi Bidi Bum Bum
Keko Keeper of the Racially Ambigious Girlfriend
Sic people that don’t go to the same school as us, it’s only gay if you make eye contact.
GO SRAEB AND SATCHEL ON!
Table
of
Contents:
1 Cover (silly)
2 The Brothers (who Unrushed)
3 Official Buisness
4 Content
5 Quasi-Content
6 Filler
7 Seriously UnRush
8 Is this coming off as desparate?
9 Contraversy
10 Selling Out
11 Funny Story About That
12 NoZe on the Skreet
13 Simpsons did it
14 The Last Minute
15 The Grand Finale
Disclaimer: We have rights too!
The opinions expressed in this satirical, monthly, sporadically published
publication are not necessarily representative of those held by Baylor©®TM University, its administration, faculty, staff, or less-intelligent students. Unless otherwise noted, all quotes from all individuals contained herein are entirely made up in the interest
of humor. By reading this rag, the user assumes all inherent risks which may include,
but are not limited to, being exposed to new ideas, laughing at himself/herself/their
self, and ultimate spiritual enlightenment. The Noble NoZe Brotherhood recommends
readers have an open mind, thick skin, and the ability to perform cognition. All others
are encouraged to hide under their beds until the sky comes crashing down upon
them, or until they stop taking themselves so seriously, whichever comes first.
Keko
Keko Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Takel
Upharsin! Satchelon Bro. Long NoZe, satch! EMMC!
BSSS! LHOOQ ~ KLIACH! BBBB! LWEA! Here you are, back
in the wack with a bottle of jack and you’re ready to attack
the stack of procrastinated work on your Mac. While those 8
A.M’s are coming at a rapid pace, you’ve found bags under your
eyes and butterface embraced, with a camel toe snug in its place.
Fervently pursuing, accruing, and half-heartedly booing the photos of
Tinder matches you’ll debate on wooing. Speaking on matters of woo, soon
St. Valentine will be coming through, so what’s a f***boy to do? Don’t misconstrue the hints and clues your lab partner has dropped for you, they’re just
in it for your notes. (Sorry Brandon.) And after much ado, and taming of
the shrews, you can’t help but feel askew for you’re colossally done
and overrun with this ballyhoo. Explicitly cursed and unrehearsed,
making as much sense as a metaphysics verse, this coerced
brother has found writing kekos might actually be the worst.
Ready for a drink and a Netflix binge, we’re fresh out
of opiates so pass the syringe! Can I get a satch,
satchELLLLL?
SATCHELISSSSSIIIIMOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Mormon Bicycle Fleet Advances On Baylor:
Students Prepare For Spiritual Warfare
It’s no secret that Baylor University is the last stronghold of pure Christianity in
the country. It’s also no secret that Satan and his Mormon Minions are intent on conquering
the campus at all costs. After years of frantic cycling, Mormons have built up enough leg
strength to stage a full-scale assault on the increasingly fragile bastion of faith that is Baylor University. Thankfully, Dear Leader Kenny Starr is on top of the situation. As he roams
campus atop his noble steed – Laquan McGowan – Ken Starr shouts encouragement, like,
“The sky is falling! Run away!” and “I knew those guys were a cult! Just look at those
awful ties.”
Students across campus are preparing for the fight. Nutrition majors are making
snacks, philosophy students are thinking about the situation, and freshmen Pre-Med students are eager to add ‘voluntary first-aid service hours’ to their resumes. Most importantly,
religion majors have locked themselves in Tidwell to pray for victory over the heathens.
Completely forgetting the messages of love in the second half of that one book they always
have in their backpacks to read when they think other people are watching, KXA girls are
fervently begging God to smite those “stupid, Jesus-hating infidels.”
The fraternities aren’t going to roll over and die either. After a bit of drinking, one
brave member volunteered to lead the BYX members in this new Crusade. After donning
the Chacos of Readiness and fastening the Giant Belt Buckle of Truth, FIJI member S. T.
Francis gripped a Chi-O’s Right Breast and said “Girl, when this is over, I’ll show you my
Sword of the Spirit.”
As the gang of Mormons approached Waco Hall, the two of them were met by
‘Burly’ Burt Burleson. Dressed in nothing but his “God Hates Flags” leotard (Get it? its a
mix of hate speech and football), Burleson flexed his tattoo-covered biceps and threatened
to kick the Mormons off campus faster than he’d kick a texting student out of Chapel. The
Mormons, terrified and trying to hold back vomit, jumped on their bicycles and pedaled
away as fast as their navy slacks would allow. Burleson, content with doing his “Godly
deed of the day,” walked back to his office and wondered how he could incorporate his
actions into another Chapel anecdote.
Dr. Smanger on Required PHP Class: “If you want a good salary, you better give me one first”
“Why search Google when you can take a semester-long $1500 college class?”
This semester, Dr. Switchard Smanger,
Committee Member and definetly not the Director of the Pre-health Science Office, required
that his PHP - Foundations of Medicine class,
be taken by all Pre-health students aspiring to
attend medical school. In response to backlash
from most of the upper-level student population,
last Wednesday, Dr. Smanger agreed to comment on his decree, due to the fact that other
members of the Pre-Health committee have no
idea why the course is required in the first place. “Becoming a doctor is a long and arduous process,” said Smanger, as he continued
to fill his dollar sign embroidered burlap sack.
“Students need to understand what that process
consists of, in detail, even if they already know.
Oh, also be sure to buy my books ‘Dr. Smanger:
Teacher of Students’ and ‘Fast Times Being
Dr. Smanger,’ now online and your local bookstores, for more information.”
Dr. Smanger’s book ‘Guide to Becoming
a Physician,’ an $80 text required for the class,
illustrates in immaculate detail the curriculum
that medical students undergo in order to become a physician and includes interviews of
Baylor students already in medical school.
“This book is amazing,” said Freshman
#01485, a Bio/Pre-Med major. “I’ve always
wanted to know about all the classes I’ll be taking
four years from now! Now all I have to do is get
above a 2.0 GPA… right?”
Students taking Foundations of Medicine
this semester have expressed views on Smanger’s class, in which students are given Class
IDs to distinguish themselves from their fellow
comrades and watch Scrubs for relevant medical
material. Students that are positively impacted by
these methods cite the information taught by the
class to be simultaneously “Pointless, necessary,
and insightful.”
“J.D. really is the best isn’t he?” Asked
Junior #03456 after the class on Tuesday evening.
“Did you see him pull the ‘rewind’ lever in his
head? That was hilariously beneficial! I love this
class!” Sophomore student #02151, an AMSA
leader who’s involved in many medical summer
internships and participated in several Global
Health forums, stated, “Making this class part
of the curriculum really illuminates the ins and
outs for all students planning for medical school.
Obviously, if we’re required to take it, we’re not
dedicated enough to know how to become doctors on our own.”
Other students, especially Biology, Chemistry, and Biochemistry Pre-Health majors, are
skeptical, but glad for the additional help that the
Guide to Becoming a Physician provides.
“I’m supposed to get good grades, take
the MCAT, attend four years of medical school,
and go into residency before I can be a doctor?”
Junior #03999 inquired after reading an excerpt.
“I didn’t know you had to do all this work stuff
before people can trust you with their lives! I
better find another major!”
How-to: Bag a Hottie and Save Money on Valentines Day!
“You’re barely able to purchase textbooks, why waste it on something that you can do on the cheap!”
(Get it? The ‘Something that you can do’ is ambiguous)
First you have to select, what Bro. HakuNoZe Matata calls either
a “shawty” or “whodie” that you would like to use for your date. Usually, your thinking and writing class has a good selection of dates you
can pick-up for Valentine’s. If you aren’t currently enrolled in that class
you can sit in a Chapel and make your picking of a cute guy or girl sitting near the exit just looking for an escape from the degrading talk for
the day. Once selected, start up conversation about how you are already
exhausted of this semester of school and wish you were helping tutoring
those underprivileged orphans or disabled dogs from an unnamed shelter in your hometown. Once you start getting the ball rolling, woo them
using large words you learned from a calculus class such as “undulating”,
“orthogonal”, and you could even sprinkle in “pedantic.” After they seem
intrigued, ask them for a date on Valentine’s. If they already have a significant other, move on to the next person of choice.
The second step takes part when you are already en route to the
date. That’s when you fake reservations to a nice restaurant (I recommend
Diamond Backs), with a willing third party to pose as a maître d’ over the
phone. It would be advised to have your phone on speaker, this way he/
she can hear the full conversation. Let the “maître d’” say something that
will impede the date, but make sure it sounds believable. I usually like to
go with “we lost your reservation in the mass confusion of Valentine’s”.
At this point you can act horribly disappointed that the restaurant has misplaced your table.
From this point, insist on a last second date like grabbing a stack of
tortillas and heading down University Parks to the bridge, do not fret about
tortillas or if there are too many people on the bridge because
you can use this opportunity to grab some free tortillas (You can also use
these for future meals instead of eating the even cheaper dining hall food).
After your great display of your tortilla tossing skills, your date will
almost be entirely in the palm of your hand. You can then head to Common
Grounds where you can use those frequent customer punch cards that you
had previously punched yourself the night before. This way you will only
have to pay as little as possible. On some dates, you may only have to pay
a max of $5. After grabbing the coffee and finding a seat, talk about how
you are tired of dating people and that you really wish you could just find
the right one. Do this while staring deeply into their eyes. Discernibly reach
for their hand, but immediately sit back, cover your eyes and apologize for
seeming disgruntled. Now you can seal the deal by stating how you are,
“tired of giving too much in relationships.” Just ask them if they would
like to come back and watch a movie that they won’t cry at but will feel
moved by such a notion of affection. I prefer “Groundhog Day” because it
gives the implication of being stuck in a terrible loop of isolation day after
day and feel such an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, usually desperate
for any sign of affection. That’s when you move in for a slow kiss. If they
consent, you’re golden! Now just take them to your bed and ignore your
non-consenting 3rd party that is your roommate!
Dear Lorde Mayor
Dear Lorde Mayor,
What cost effective gift should I give my girl for Valentine’s Day?
Dear Lorde Mayor,
I’m thinking about rushing Chamber. Should I?
-She’s visiting from Canada and I’m ready
-It gets better right?
Dear Sucker,
My advice? Break up with her on the 12th. Snapchat her “I’m sorry” on the 15th.
And be back to normal by the 17th. Total cost: $1.29 to RedBox a movie to pass the
weekend by.
Dear Didn’t Even Get a TKE bid,
Ehh, if you are thinking about joining Chamber, life has been as bad as could be by now.
Have you considered transferring schools?
Dear Lorde Mayor,
I am having a problem being bullied, what should I do?
Dear Lorde Mayor,
How do I get buff?”
- XxChaosMaSt3R69xX
-Not Bro. Orange Mocha FrappucciNoZe
Dear Art History Major,
Just deal with it. Sticks and bones or whatever. If you never learn what it’s like
to be verbally, emotionally, or physically abused, you will never be ready for marriage,
straight or gay.
Dear 5’4 with a dream,
If you already have a problem with being short, you might not like my answer.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
What’s it like to pop a molly and sweat?
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Can you believe they are gonna start letting those illegal aliens get driver licenses?
-Not Bro. HakuNoZe Matata
-Not xenophobic, just American
Dear Choir Boy with Secrets,
Man, I don’t know! I don’t do hallucinogens. And don’t ask me about drugs, ask
Josh Gordon.
Dear Baylor Business School Professor,
Yes I can. It makes complete sense. Border control clearly can’t keep the Mexicans out of Texas, but dealing with the old lady at the DMV definitely will. NCAA Rules on Joe Pa’s Wins
Says, “It would be a tragedy if we allowed well documented and systemic
events such as these to be covered up”
FRIDAY- At the end of a legal battle lasting the span of eight days,
the NCAA ruled to find Joe Paterno guilty of 112 discovered victories in a
span lasting from 1998 to 2011 and officially labeled him as the “winningest coach of all time”.
When asked why they were moved to investigate in the first place,
NCAA President Mark Emmertt explained, “While there has always been
speculation surrounding Joe Pa’s tenure at Penn State, his actions were
swept under the rug as a “boys will be boys and play football” kind of
thing, and no one spoke out. But as eight witnesses from different collegiate teams across the country bravely came forward and told their stories
regarding experiences at Penn State, saying “we had no choice but to step
in and indict Joe Pa of the victories.”
Emmertt went on to stress the importance of the ruling, adding
“Even though Joe Paterno has been deceased for three years and can no
longer take personal responsibility for his actions, it would be unjust for
both the players and their families to believe someone can commit multiple victories, such as this, and go entirely unnoticed”
Jake Stock, one of the key witnesses, spoke out as well. “Let this
serve as an example. Let us not overlook the overall message. Speak up,
and don’t be afraid. You can stop the problem. If you walk into a room and
see someone playing football, tell someone.”
Joe Paterno’s family is expected to release a statement to different
news sources around the country in order to tell their side of the story and
hopefully maintain their image during this turbulent time.
Terrible Chants Seen as Reason for Bad Basketball Attendance
“It’s not on me, it’s on you-you-you-you-on….man that’s stupid”
While bad attendance was once synonymous with Baylor Football, it has still held its place in the Ferrell
Center, even though Baylor is a top 25 basketball team. However, a poll conducted by the Pue Research Center
for Rope Article Shticks suggested that the reason for low attendance at basketball games is because of really
terrible basketball chants, rather than students not being huge fans of Baylor Basketball.
“Are you kidding? I love the shooty hoops. I just don’t go because it’s almost embarrassing to see and
hear our chants at basketball games. I mean come on!” What is up with the “on you” chant when the other team
fouls? I know the old Baptist policy was just to point and yell sin…but we’re good at basketball now, we don’t
have to do that anymore,” said Junior and former Bear Pitter Hugo Fakursalv. While the sentiment that Baylor
should develop some sort of fun chant like any other school with a team talented enough to be in the top 25,
many students disagreed on the reason for low attendance at basketball games.
In-con-sis-tent *clap-clap-clap-clap-clap*
“I mean we don’t have all bad chants, the ‘fun-da-mentals’ one is kind of funny. I mean, every other chant is to that same pattern but that makes
it easy to remember…and forget. I think the real reason that no one shows up to games is because of the terrible music like Y-M-C-A and anything Bon
Jovi,” said sophomore and A$AP mixtape connoisseur Robert Schmurda. Schmurda’s opinion coincides with many basketball fans, that basketball games
should continue with the same decade of music and excitement as the sold out football games, instead of “Living on a Prayer,” a song that somehow has
been overplayed since 2009.
The Baylor Bears have a chance to make the big dance two times in a row, and in the most competitive league in college basketball it would probably help to develop the student section whose high point of the night does not involve Sandstorm (if I wanted to hear that song I’d go play laser tag).
Noze on the Street Axs…Who’s your Valentine this year?
Bob Bowlsby: Oh I just can’t decide. I love my wife and Gary Patterson equally.
Girlfriend in another state: Snapchat and Jergens again this year.
Marshawn Lynch: I’m just here so I don’t get fined.
Mike Huckabee: It’s definetly not Beyoncé so don’t even ask, because it’s not. I don’t even like 7/11, heck, I feel bad for anyone
that does... someday Queen B.
David: My ATO pledge brother James!
Kanye West: The most perfect person I’ve ever met, the parent of my child, me. hahn!
Tri Delt Marcy: God and only God, because for some reason guys won’t talk to me.
Bill Cosby: Nobody, I’m never talking to another woman again.
Chi-O Shannon: I think I really like like that American Sniper guy, Bradley Cooper, he’s like such a hero.
Senator Harry Reid: I think I’m seeing someone special on that day... at least from this angle it looks like someone special.
What’s Wrong With America: An Infographic
Written by guest writer Bro.
NoZe Korea is the Best Korea
The citizens of the United States of America seem to
believe that they are the greatest nation in the
world. Americans are always boasting about
their freedoms, Republican form of government
and capitalist economy. Americans are also
always posting and tweeting pictures of puppies, kitties, “selfies,” and some of them send
naked photos to each other, while the others
lie about sending said photos. With all of these
cute animal photos and nudity, one might be led
to believe that America could be the greatest
nation to have ever been. I am here to stomp
out that notion and shed light upon some of the
largest and most glaring problems that the United States faces today:
There are too many different styles of
hair cuts. Why would a nation that claims to be
“Under God” have so many haircuts?
According to a recent survey, 93% of
American homes have and continue to purchase, on what seems to be a weekly basis, 1-2
gallons of milk. Don’t they know that a cow’s
udders look like penises?
The poor have places called “Shelters”
and “Soup Kitchens” where they may go when
they need a place to stay or a meal to eat.
The Supreme Leader in America is a man
who has to both pee and poop to rid his body of
excess liquid and food.
The parents in America pay more attention to the well being of their children than they
do to the knowing and reciting of various Neil
Diamond songs.
The average lifespan of the American
Citizen is 77.6 years, but Burt Reynolds turned
78 last February and is still alive today.
American movies suck and inaccurately depict
the settings and characters that are based on real
places and people.
America has a police force that catches
and imprisons criminals, yet many American
fishermen catch and release the fish that they
hook.
The American film branch of Sony Pictures is very easy to hack into.
Americans eat hot dogs on buns, the hot
dog portion comes from a pig, but the buns do
not even come from the pig.
Some American citizens go to college to
become Doctors and some go for reasons that
are not even related to medicine.
James Franco and Seth Rogen are Ameri-
can citizens and are kind of douche bags, if you
think about it.
They think that they are so clever like,
“Ohhhh look at me, I’m James Franco” and
“Yeahhhh look at me too, I’m Seth Rogen. Let’s
make movies and not take into consideration
that people have feelings!” And then James
Franco is like “L-O-L Seth, that sounds like a
great Idea. I’m so glad that we are mean and
don’t care about people’s feelings.” Then Seth
says “Cool man, let us start to get the funding
for our new movie.”
Most American citizens live under the assumption that the man who drives the ice cream
truck in their neighborhood is not the same man
who works the help desk at their local Home
Depot.
Most Americans believe in global warming, yet
they still do things like wear watches and get
breast implants.
I hope that this short, but informative,
infographic has shown you, at least to an extent,
why the United States of America might not
actually be the greatest nation in today’s world.
In fact, we at the “Not Democratic People’s Republic of Not North Korea” hope that you take
this information and share it with your friends
and family while you are busy not watching the
new movie, “The Interview.”
Baylor Sports Aren’t Just About Balls
“Ball iz lyfe but other sports are lyfe too”
What’s more fun than downing a few drinks with your friends and
going to watch a Baylor sporting event? If your answer is anything other
than attending Chapel or reading the Bible, stop for a second and pray for
forgiveness. Then, go ahead and pray for all the lost souls that read this
and didn’t pray. Lastly, pray that Chaplain Ryan comes up with some new
ways to introduce bands that couldn’t even get stage time at Common
Grounds.
Anyway, the real answer, as we all know, is downing even more
drinks and watching some of Baylor’s most prestigious athletes compete
for eternal glory. In a record turnout, about a dozen students showed up
to watch some of Baylor’s horses run around and prance at an Equestrian
tournament. “Like, oh goodness, those girls are so talented,” said sophomore Angela Neale, “I can only imagine how hard it is to sit on a horse!”
Baylor’s fencing team was blown away when someone came to watch
them. As it turned out, it was just a homeless guy that stumbled in to get
warm, but all 3 members of the fencing team still received encouraging
texts from their mothers, so they stayed in good spirits.
The overwhelming commercial success of these previously ‘fringe’
sports has led Ian McCaw, Baylor’s Director of Athletics, to push for
more sports teams. “Did you know we had a Quidditch team?” asked McCaw,
“I had no idea we even let homeschoolers attend Baylor, but who cares as
long as they generate money, right!?” McCaw, an avid supporter of Baylor’s Pro Futuris plan, had this to say about his vision for Baylor athletics:
“I just want to create some sports that will be as popular as football.”
Thankfully, this wasn’t too vague and he was happy to give us this partially implemented list of his ideas:
Men’s Basketball: “Sorry It’s Not Football”
Pseudo-Intellectual Speed Writing: see “The Lariat”
Greased Thumb Wrestling: ‘The 2nd Largest Amount Fun You Can
Have With Your Hand!’
Underwater Poetry Reading: ‘A Better Use For That English Degree!’
Undergraduate Survivor: ‘Which Rich White Kid Wins?’
Homoerotic Intramurals: see “Men of Martin”
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